← Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out
Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out
171. Nikki Glaser Returns: The Team Captain of Comedy (Plus: Mike’s New Special!)
00:57:22
Nikki Glaser returns to the podcast for the first time since her acclaimed performances as the host of the Golden Globes and on the Roast of Tom Brady. Nikki breaks down her approach to the Golden Globes, explains her perspective on controversial comedy topics, and explores the possibility of a “vegan hour” of comedy. Plus, Nikki’s awkward encounter with Lana Del Ray, and Mike’s new special The Good Life arrives on Netflix!
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- [00:01]
Mike Birbiglia
I believe you're the team captain of comedy right now.
- [00:03]
Nikki Glaser
What does that mean?
- [00:05]
Mike Birbiglia
Okay, I texted you this. I wrote, you're a great captain of the comedy team because you're number one, funny above all else. Number two, not pandering. Number three, nice to people. And you responded. Thank you, Mike. Number three, legit means the most.
- [00:21]
Nikki Glaser
That means so much from you. And I don't believe a word of it.
- [00:25]
Mike Birbiglia
Okay, perfect.
- [00:25]
Nikki Glaser
It won't ever enter into me, and I cannot process it, and I'll never believe it ever. But thank you. And I want to believe it. Thank you. I try. I don't try. Actually, I should. I could try harder. That's the problem.
- [00:42]
Mike Birbiglia
That is the voice of the great Nikki Glaser. So excited to have Nikki Glaser back on the podcast she was on in 2021. She has always been an incredible comic, but so much has changed in her career since then. She has basically gone to becoming a household name. She had an incredible special last year called Someday youy'll Die that was nominated for an Emmy. It's on hbo. She crushed at the Roast of Tom Brady. She was the host of the Golden Globes. She crushed on that. She's doing it again next year. Thrilled to have her on the podcast today and on a really exciting day for me, I have released into the Wild, my special the Good Life. It is on Netflix today. It is for all of you. I really hope you like it. I'm sure you'll recognize some jokes that I worked out on this very podcast and on the tour. I've been on tour with. This special for two years. Is very, very close to my heart, I would say. You know, I make a lot of very personal comedy specials. I would say this is the most personal. It's the most. It's the most in the present in terms of. A lot of my shows are about things that happened in the past. And it's very much. Without giving away too much. It's very much about stuff that I'm dealing with in the present. And. And it's probably got the most jokes and the best jokes of any special I've ever done. So it's. Yeah, I'm. I'm really proud of it. Seth Barish directed it. Beowulf Barrett did the design, and Aaron Kopp did the lighting, and Graham Willoughby filmed it. It was like an extraordinary team of people. Arina, Portna, Gina did the painting. That's behind me. It is. I mean, I could go on and on about all the people. My wife Jenny and my Brother Joe and Mabel and Gary and Peter and all the people who work on this podcast who worked on that special. I'm so proud of it and I really, I really hope you like it. Big news for the podcast, by the way. We have an all new website for the podcast. As you know, our back catalog, about 170 episodes is always free, always available. Our new website allows you to browse the back catalog very easily. You can search by guest by topic, share episodes more easily. You can check that out@birdbigs.com WIO that's for biggs.com WIO I think you're going to love this episode. Today with Nikki Glaser. We talk about the Golden Globes. We talk about doing controversial material. I just think Nikki is so funny and so insightful. Increasingly through the years, just more and more herself on stage. I saw her at the Beacon Theater. I actually did a set on one of the shows one night and I just watched her full hour. And if you can possibly see her on tour right now, you can see her in Chicago, Orlando, West Palm, Florida, St. Petersburg. All of her dates are on Nikki glaser dot com. Absolutely. Check that out. We talk about that material today on the show. We talk about the hour that she's working on in process. We talk about the Golden Globes. We talk about controversial material. She's so funny, so insightful and honest. Enjoy my chat with the great Nikki Glaser. You're special. So funny. And it's so dark. Like it's so far. I was watching it last night.
- [04:04]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, the suicide chunk.
- [04:05]
Mike Birbiglia
Well, the suicide chunk, certainly. Yeah, but I mean, certainly that's thematically what it's about in a lot of ways.
- [04:12]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah.
- [04:13]
Mike Birbiglia
But I would say the gangbang section.
- [04:16]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, is that dark?
- [04:17]
Mike Birbiglia
I mean, sort of.
- [04:19]
Nikki Glaser
I feel like then I didn't do a good. See, I never felt like I finished that bit because to me, gangbangs are like, I'm trying to celebrate. Like this is amazing. Like this woman does. It's. There's a sadness to it when they have to do it for like, because they have nothing else to do. But my, the joke that's not working for me about porn is like because I'm having, I'm struggling. I'm trying to talk about porn addiction and how I could see going to that place. Cause the, where, where I'm going with porn now or where I'm at, it's not where I started out.
- [04:48]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [04:48]
Nikki Glaser
It's like things that I used to be like, I would never do that kind of, like, I would never shoot up. I just take pills. I just snort. Like, I'm doing that with porn. Like, it's starting to progress into, like, stuff that I'm like, I don't want to be into this. Gang bangs. Like, I just.
- [05:00]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, I get that.
- [05:00]
Nikki Glaser
You know, like, it's. But it's progressed past gang bangs. The next special is gonna explore the next part. It is. But my. I was trying to start that bit. I'm already pitching, like, what should I do for this bit? But I was trying to get into.
- [05:12]
Mike Birbiglia
It, like, because you've been on the show before, we can jump around.
- [05:15]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, that's right. But get me back on track.
- [05:18]
Mike Birbiglia
Gang bang.
- [05:19]
Nikki Glaser
Okay. Gang bangs. Okay. So I just want to set up the thing that, like, the porn I'm watching is disturbing and it's not ethical. Like, the girls in it are not.
- [05:27]
Mike Birbiglia
I think about this all the time.
- [05:28]
Nikki Glaser
Are not happy. This wasn't their dream. But the lines that I have to prove that, which is, no one dreams of playing White trash whore. Doesn't work at all. Literally doesn't work. But it's like, why doesn't that work? That's the. That was. I was watching a porn once, and I was like, oh, that's a funny thing. Like, title.
- [05:45]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [05:46]
Nikki Glaser
Like. And I'm like, who wants to be the ingenue of white trash Whore? But, like, that is a role that a girl played, and she didn't want that. I can't lie to myself and be like, this was her dream.
- [05:54]
Mike Birbiglia
No, I know.
- [05:55]
Nikki Glaser
But it doesn't work. For some reason, the audience doesn't like it. And then the other proof I have is that. And this one doesn't work either. That the porn I watch.
- [06:01]
Mike Birbiglia
This one doesn't work.
- [06:02]
Nikki Glaser
It doesn't. And I'm like, I want to ask you why the porn I watch? And so I can tell these. So I. I don't think it's going to end up in a special because they will not work. So maybe they'll work in this format.
- [06:11]
Mike Birbiglia
They might go. They might. Because I thought that what you pulled off with the gang bang joke was impressive. Like, I just to. Just to scroll back. You're special. It's like you have a joke where the premise is about you enjoy watching porn that has gang bangs and then your boyfriend in a hilarious turn. I don't know how much is true and how much is not. Does kind of an act out for you. Simulation of a gang bang. Yeah.
- [06:37]
Nikki Glaser
I mean, it's based in a real thing we did. And Then I made it ridiculous.
- [06:42]
Mike Birbiglia
He does the voices.
- [06:43]
Nikki Glaser
Maybe in real life there's been voices. I mean, I don't think it's like. I think he's put on different, like, gruffness. Not, like, really committing to a voice, but it was inspired by true events.
- [06:54]
Mike Birbiglia
But my favorite part is when he goes, there's a line of men in the hallway waiting. And you go, that's a train.
- [07:01]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, yeah. Would I correct him? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [07:04]
Mike Birbiglia
That's a great joke. But anyway, the whole thing leads towards. And spoiler alert, the special's been out for two years, so. And whatever.
- [07:09]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, watch the specials.
- [07:12]
Mike Birbiglia
But. But it all leads to Life is a gang bang.
- [07:16]
Nikki Glaser
Yes.
- [07:17]
Mike Birbiglia
And it's so satisfying of a punchline.
- [07:21]
Nikki Glaser
It's just a woman juggling a lot of things at once. Like, the more you can juggle, the more impressive of a woman you are, if you can be at all. And, like, in that moment, she's, like, jerking off a guy, taking it in every single hole. Acting enthusiastic. Like, you think about liked. I realized I liked watching it because I related to that, right? And I feel like that I'm still exploring that, like, with the stuff. Like, now I'm into, like, the next feat of athleticism. Like, I think this is my sexual thing, too. So it's kind of mixed in, but it's all mixed into stand up, too. I like when people are disgusted by me, but they're also like, damn, that's my Venn diagram. Disgusting. And, like, I gotta be impressed. And that's the same kind of reaction that certain porn I watch has, where it's like, she's doing that. What the fuck? That's pretty awesome. Like, I like when people have that reaction about my standup, too.
- [08:10]
Mike Birbiglia
No, I think that that's great. And I think it's like, that's. I think part of the reason I like your stand up so much, because I'm trying to do something analogous, which is, like, if I can go to the saddest topics, if I can talk about cancer or sleepwalking or death and all these things.
- [08:26]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, sleepwalking. One of the saddest topics. Cancer. Sleepwalking.
- [08:30]
Mike Birbiglia
Through sleepwalking, of course.
- [08:32]
Nikki Glaser
Of course. No, I think about you every time I see a La Quinta or whenever I get a ground floor. I'm going on Mike Birbiglia tonight. Ground floor. Not feeling safe. But if I had his thing, I would be.
- [08:43]
Mike Birbiglia
If I had his thing. But I do try to do that thing, which is, like, if you can bring an audience to a dark place or a sad place, and you can come out the other side of that. That's. I think that's the best kind of comedy.
- [08:58]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. I like talking about things that people don't talk about. Yeah, that's my thing. That's my kink. I like it on stage. I like. I like doing it where it's like, what's wrong with it? Like, if. If it's actually offensive, I don't have any interest. But if it's just like, I'm just telling the truth, why are you offended?
- [09:15]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah. Yeah.
- [09:15]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, I love that. I love when I tell a joke where I'm like, what. What am I saying that's offensive here, right? What, like, what are you. What are you going? Oh, about. Let's unpack it. Like, there was one recently where I'm like, I, like, say something to people who are molested in the crowd.
- [09:30]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [09:30]
Nikki Glaser
And I like. And people get so weird, and I'm like, just, oh, no, no, no. The joke that I have right now is. I was talking about. I have a joke about, like, I think fat people are discriminated against in society. And if you don't think that they are, next time you're with your fat friend, be like, as a fat person, do you feel discriminated against? I dare you. And I go, why? Why wouldn't you? If there's nothing wrong with being fat?
- [09:54]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [09:54]
Nikki Glaser
You know, like, if there's no discrimination, what's wrong with saying, you wouldn't like. And so I like having a thing where it seems like I'm making a fat joke, but I'm not. I'm making a joke proving that you're uncomfortable with fat people. And why are you like, that's not the best example of it. But I just like when people get offended and I get to go, you don't get to be. It's very passive aggressive.
- [10:14]
Mike Birbiglia
No, I think it's fun. I think that, like, I love it when comedians challenge their audience to just go, oh, yeah, I guess that is something that I'm repressed about.
- [10:24]
Nikki Glaser
Talking about, oh, I'll have a better example. I say something about, oh, I'm. I'm talking about pedophiles. I have a really big pedophile chunks up.
- [10:34]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, yeah, I saw it. It's a great hour.
- [10:35]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, God.
- [10:36]
Mike Birbiglia
God, your hour at the Beacon was amazing.
- [10:38]
Nikki Glaser
God, it's so much better to talk to you about when you haven't seen it. But you've been so nice. It sounds real nice. I have this whole chunk about pedophiles it's really edgy. I can't wait for you to see it. You're like, I have. I nearly forgot about.
- [10:53]
Mike Birbiglia
I have a funny anecdote about it, which is, like, the week afterwards, I saw you at the Beacon, because I was at the Beacon for six shows, and then you were at the beginning, I think for six shows. Like, it was, like, back to back. And I did a spot on one of your nights. You were nice enough to have me on.
- [11:08]
Nikki Glaser
Nice enough? Are you kidding me?
- [11:09]
Mike Birbiglia
But it was. No, it was super fun. It was a good hang. It was a big.
- [11:12]
Nikki Glaser
It was so fun. You were the best hang.
- [11:15]
Mike Birbiglia
And it was like. And I'm at, like, pickup for my daughter's school, and a bunch of the parents were like, oh, I saw Nikki Glaser at the Beacon Theater. And that's how famous you are now. And it's such a funny thing. I'm like, that's my friend. I go. I was on the. Thursday night. I did a spot, and the parents were like, you were on stage? Yeah. I do this too, you know?
- [11:36]
Nikki Glaser
Do they not look at you like that?
- [11:38]
Mike Birbiglia
I don't think so. I don't know.
- [11:40]
Nikki Glaser
They do. If they know who Nikki Glazer is, they know who.
- [11:42]
Mike Birbiglia
No, I don't know. But it's great. What is that? We'll circle back to the edgy.
- [11:49]
Nikki Glaser
Yes, yes, yes.
- [11:50]
Mike Birbiglia
We'll circle back to the joke. But I will say, like, what does that feel like to have that kind of household named them? Like, what's the best thing about it and what's the worst thing about it?
- [11:58]
Nikki Glaser
Ooh. Well, you. I think you've been here, so I think the best thing about it is that you get, like, free desserts a lot. Because if you call and say it's a reservation for Nikki Glaser, and they, like. If they clock it or if someone in their system clocks it, you're gonna get some free dessert. Free desser. You're gonna pay for it in the tip anyway. You know you're gonna. But it's still. You get to. You have to eat a dessert. What, are you not gonna eat it?
- [12:22]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [12:22]
Nikki Glaser
So.
- [12:22]
Mike Birbiglia
No, it's great.
- [12:23]
Nikki Glaser
That's nice.
- [12:23]
Mike Birbiglia
That's really nice.
- [12:25]
Nikki Glaser
And it's cool to, like, show my family that I am, like, I made it. Like, I'm like. I don't think I'm household yet, but I'm, like, adjacent. And so that's, like, a big achievement, because I really didn't think I was ever gonna be a household name. I had given up on that long ago, I was totally fine with never being that. So it's just nice that it, like, came up when I least expected it. And then the worst thing is I don't think there's any bad things.
- [12:50]
Mike Birbiglia
Huh?
- [12:50]
Nikki Glaser
It makes you rich. It does. And being rich is comfortable and it makes you. It's true. And, and people are, you know, what's the coolest thing you get to give the gift of, like, yourself to, like, if you meet people and you're cool to them and you take a picture or something, you get to, like, make people's day. Like, again, I have a joke right now where I get. I always get recognized. Girls will recognize me when they spray, but they won't say it until I'm naked. And I. And they go, my boyfriend and I are such big fans. And I was like, well, I'm excited for you to tell him about my naked body later tonight. And she goes, I would never do that. And I go, I would tell them about my boobs. Take it in. Because, like, there's no way she's not. But also she gets to see her a person she's a fan of naked. That's kind of a gift.
- [13:35]
Mike Birbiglia
That is so funny.
- [13:37]
Nikki Glaser
I would kill to see, like, some of the people. If someone, if Taylor Swift walked into a tanning place that I was doing and I, I, I wouldn't tell anyone about it. It would be like, I'm not gonna say Taylor Swift, but like, someone. Because she's on a different level. I don't wanna. But like, I don't know, just someone I like.
- [13:52]
Mike Birbiglia
Jason Bateman.
- [13:54]
Nikki Glaser
Yes. I would love it. I would keep it a. Again, I would keep a secret. I wouldn't be telling people. I wouldn't, like, talk about his. Whatever I saw. But, like, I probably would, right? I probably would. And that's a gift to have a celebrity story and they're naked, but you.
- [14:09]
Mike Birbiglia
Don'T have any self consciousness about that.
- [14:12]
Nikki Glaser
What my vagina looks like and I describe. What I describe is worse than what it is.
- [14:15]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [14:15]
Nikki Glaser
And I'm not, I'm not like, ashamed of my body when I'm doing those things, like when it's in a medical procedure, like a spray tan.
- [14:23]
Mike Birbiglia
Circling back, I have a question about Alive and Unwell. I think it's a great title.
- [14:27]
Nikki Glaser
Thanks.
- [14:28]
Mike Birbiglia
That's gonna be the special title, right? I don't know, like, it's such a good title.
- [14:32]
Nikki Glaser
Okay. Yeah. You know, someday you'll die was, I think, one of the best titles I've ever come up with. And will ever come up with. And so. And that wasn't the name of the tour, so I leave it open. But I do think alive and unwell is a good name.
- [14:45]
Mike Birbiglia
Describe to me. And I agree with you, but describe to me why you think someday you'll die is a great title.
- [14:51]
Nikki Glaser
It gets the people going.
- [14:53]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, interesting.
- [14:53]
Nikki Glaser
Like, it's like, someday you'll die. It's just like. I just feel like it's like you go, okay, whoa. We all know it. It's just. It's, like, offensive, but again, it seems offensive, but it's not.
- [15:04]
Mike Birbiglia
Right. It's a shot of espresso.
- [15:07]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. I mean, I've had some bad names in the past, but actually, no, I stand by all of them. I like them all. Do you like all yours?
- [15:13]
Mike Birbiglia
I like all mine. I have second guesses sometimes about the Broadway show the new one, because whenever I say it, people just go, like, wait, the new one? Or there's a special called the New one.
- [15:27]
Nikki Glaser
Yes.
- [15:28]
Mike Birbiglia
You know, and it's like, ah. There is a part of me that, like, kind of bums me out that. That is a conversational confusion that you.
- [15:35]
Nikki Glaser
Have to live with forever and ever.
- [15:36]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah. But I love the Old man in the pool as a title, but I.
- [15:38]
Nikki Glaser
Think the new one is. It's too good.
- [15:40]
Mike Birbiglia
Aww.
- [15:40]
Nikki Glaser
It's too good of a title, and it's too good of a special, and it just fits with it too much. You just have to. You just have to suffer.
- [15:45]
Mike Birbiglia
That's so sweet. You know what's so funny is in your special, you make, like, this extraordinarily good case for not having children. You came to the new one, which is about me having a child, and it's very emotional, and you were emotional afterwards.
- [15:57]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah.
- [15:57]
Mike Birbiglia
And so it's like, where. Where do those two things meet? Oh, but my dad.
- [16:02]
Nikki Glaser
You're a dad.
- [16:03]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, that. I'm a dad.
- [16:04]
Nikki Glaser
I would be a dad. Without question. I would love to be a dad. It seems. It seems hard, but not too hard. But being a mom seems too hard.
- [16:16]
Mike Birbiglia
That's.
- [16:17]
Nikki Glaser
And that's what I'm exploring in the next episode.
- [16:18]
Mike Birbiglia
So you're emotional. Okay. So you're. Yeah, I love that material. So you're emotional when you watch mine because you're in my shoes as a dad.
- [16:25]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah.
- [16:26]
Mike Birbiglia
You're, like, living my experience as a dad. Yeah.
- [16:28]
Nikki Glaser
And it's. And it's. I think it's even. It's maternal, too. Like, it's the same feeling, but you get to have it because it's a Little to me, I would do what you're doing because it seems a little bit easier. Not easy by any means. I just exaggerate that for the stage. But I think that it's. Yeah. I get to live out even what I would feel as a mother through you as a father. I think love is the same feeling. You just have to do less.
- [16:53]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [16:53]
Nikki Glaser
And so that's why you will get to feel it and I probably won't.
- [16:57]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [16:58]
Nikki Glaser
So. But I do get to feel it through your stuff. And I'm good on love. I feel very loved. The thing I'm worried about is I'm gonna want kids when my parents die, because they're still kicking and they're my best friends, and it's unconditional love. It's me, you know, it's my lineage. So I think if they go, I'll have this. Like, I might. The scaffolding might give way. And I'm like, I'll be. But then I'll adopt.
- [17:23]
Mike Birbiglia
They're pretty young, though.
- [17:25]
Nikki Glaser
My dad's 70. My mom's. Yeah, 65. So it's like. I mean, they're. They can't be forever.
- [17:30]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [17:30]
Nikki Glaser
Someday you'll die.
- [17:32]
Mike Birbiglia
You're like the best case scenario of a child. Like, if my daughter treated me as well as you treat your parents.
- [17:38]
Nikki Glaser
Am the best daughter ever. Mom, you're watching this. You know, she. Like, I. I do. I learned from Kathy Griffin. Remember how she would just bring her parents everywhere?
- [17:51]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [17:52]
Nikki Glaser
They're fun. They're hilarious. They keep me grounded. They don't. They're impressed by me. Cause they're so supportive, but they're not too impressed. So it's just like. They're just great hangs and I pay for everything. It's like, they're my kids. My mom is always. I can't. Nikki, I'm not letting you pay for that. Who buys their mom a facelift? Who does that? I go. I do.
- [18:14]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, my God.
- [18:15]
Nikki Glaser
And you need one. You don't need one. You want one, and I'm gonna buy one for you.
- [18:20]
Mike Birbiglia
This is. We're all over the place, but I feel like people can follow it.
- [18:24]
Nikki Glaser
That's gonna be the name of my next tour.
- [18:26]
Mike Birbiglia
All over the place.
- [18:27]
Nikki Glaser
Because that's kind of the vibe.
- [18:28]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah, I like that.
- [18:29]
Nikki Glaser
I might have you take this out, but maybe I'll just keep it, because I'm gonna talk about it in a perfect way, or at least try to. So I woke up to a text from a writer that I've worked with for a while, and it was to, like, a group chat. And he's. To a bunch of writers on this chat, and he said, oh, I was at this party tonight, this kind of eccentric party, and I ended up talking to this girl who. Gorgeous, but, you know, definitely funny and kooky and was in this conversation, and she asked me what I did and I said, oh, I write. And she said, what do you work on? And I mentioned Nikki. And she said, oh, I like her, but I wish she wasn't so dirty. And he goes. And I walked, then she walked away. And my friend came up to me and goes, what were you talking to Lana Del Rey about?
- [19:17]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, my God.
- [19:18]
Nikki Glaser
And I was so sad because I love Lana Del Rey and Brilliant. Yeah.
- [19:24]
Mike Birbiglia
So she's dirty.
- [19:26]
Nikki Glaser
I thought she would have been into that stuff. And now I'm like, oh, my God. And now it was helpful advice. Literally, it was helpful advice. And she's. But I. At first I was like, how dare she? What? And then I was like, I've got some notes too, for her. Like, we can't. She's one of the best, brilliant artists ever.
- [19:45]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah, One of the greatest.
- [19:46]
Nikki Glaser
And yet I'm entitled to not, like, things of hers. I definitely. There's songs that I'm like, eh. So she's allowed to be, eh. About me. Like, I can't be. Like, she doesn't like me. She just wants me to be less dirty. I, like, took the note and I'm working on it.
- [19:58]
Mike Birbiglia
Are you serious?
- [19:59]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. Because I think not just to appeal to her, but to appeal to people like her. Like, people that I could be sharing my message with, but that are turned off because they're like, oh, I hear she's too dirty. And I just don't want to hear that. Some people are deeply uncomfortable by it. It's not even like they're prude, they're just like, ew, it's gross. So.
- [20:15]
Mike Birbiglia
Well, that. That's why when I was. When I was starting out, I veered towards being cleaner for that exact reason, which is that there's certain people who just can't hear cursing. They can't hear whatever. And so, like, I was like, oh, I don't want to lose those people, because I think I can connect with those people.
- [20:34]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah.
- [20:35]
Mike Birbiglia
So I veered cleaner, but I. I'm not fully clean.
- [20:38]
Nikki Glaser
No, you've gotten a little bit, like, more honest.
- [20:41]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah, I think so.
- [20:42]
Nikki Glaser
In terms of what subjects interest you or what, you know, you don't. If you want to go somewhere, you'll go somewhere. You go dark too.
- [20:48]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah, it's pretty dark.
- [20:49]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, you go real dark.
- [20:50]
Mike Birbiglia
Especially that comes out in May and it's pretty dark. Yeah. The Good Life.
- [20:56]
Nikki Glaser
That's a good name.
- [20:57]
Mike Birbiglia
Thanks.
- [20:58]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, and you can use all those old the Good Life shirts as merch. Go get those.
- [21:03]
Mike Birbiglia
Go get those.
- [21:04]
Nikki Glaser
Go get those. With the little stick figure. That was just always, like, chilling in the hammock.
- [21:21]
Mike Birbiglia
The Golden Globes was unbelievable. Yeah. Jenny and I watched you on the Golden Globes were just like, she's just every. She's killing every second and threading the needle, which is someone's hosting something, whether it's an award show or their. Or their local co op meeting.
- [21:40]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah.
- [21:40]
Mike Birbiglia
What is. What are your tips for hosting something?
- [21:43]
Nikki Glaser
You need to come out of the gate right away strong.
- [21:46]
Mike Birbiglia
Okay.
- [21:47]
Nikki Glaser
So you need a joke. The shortest joke possible. Welcome to the Golden Globes. Ozempic's biggest night.
- [21:51]
Mike Birbiglia
Yep. Great.
- [21:52]
Nikki Glaser
Like, right away. I mean, we took forever. I was like, I just want it to be quicker. And they're like, it's literally the first sentence, like you're saying it was other stuff we were trying. I forget. And then that one was just like, oh, good. There's no words between the joke and the. What it is.
- [22:05]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [22:06]
Nikki Glaser
And I also think, like, especially if I'm giving advice to people who are scared to public speak, I think this is just actually something that people need to know. Remember that when you're watching someone public speak, you're not. You're not wishing they do a bad job. No one's in the audience going, like, look how nervous they are. I hate them. I hope they're more nervous. Everyone's rooting for you.
- [22:29]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [22:29]
Nikki Glaser
And I think that kind of attitude, like, can help you just think about how you are when you watch someone nervous and how you want them to feel like you just have compassion for them. You're not like, look at this idiot.
- [22:39]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [22:39]
Nikki Glaser
No one's doing that to you in your classroom presentation. Like, I was. I was a nervous speaker in high school and middle school. Like, wouldn't get up in front of people would come in during recess to give the presentations because I would shake so bad. And I just wish someone would have said, nikki, no one's, like, wanting you to be bad.
- [22:56]
Mike Birbiglia
Totally.
- [22:56]
Nikki Glaser
Everyone's just, like, wanting you to be comfortable. And so, so true. Remember that and listen to a meditation beforehand. That's like a performance meditation.
- [23:04]
Mike Birbiglia
Well, that's nice.
- [23:05]
Nikki Glaser
I don't do it, but I think it would work. I would do it if I needed to. Feel like you can do this?
- [23:13]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [23:13]
Nikki Glaser
Like a sports one. Like, they have ones for sports. So I would do that. Like, if I was just giving a presentation at work and I was nervous. That's what I do. Do you.
- [23:20]
Mike Birbiglia
It's funny.
- [23:21]
Nikki Glaser
I.
- [23:21]
Mike Birbiglia
It didn't occur to me until I.
- [23:23]
Nikki Glaser
Went, one more thing. This is too good. Because people might actually need this. Do with. I learned on Mass Singer, if you want to, like, if your heart's just going crazy and you're shaking and you feel like you're gonna pass out because you're so nervous, hold your breath for four seconds and then let it out slowly. So, okay, four seconds. Because it'll slow your heart rate right away. And I learned it on the Masked Singer, because you need your vocal cords to be so, like, you need to be, like, relaxed. And I would get tense right before. And it just makes you relax.
- [23:48]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [23:49]
Nikki Glaser
So that's a good one. That I didn't know until recently. So I want to pass it on.
- [23:52]
Mike Birbiglia
We have to get back to the topic that we were on about dark jokes.
- [23:55]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah.
- [23:56]
Mike Birbiglia
What was the. What was the. How did we arrive in that?
- [23:59]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. Yeah. So I do a pedophilia chunk, and I do the. I think that one of the darkest things I say on stage that I get away with, and I don't know how is that I talk about, like, pedophiles when they, like, realize they're a pedophile. Cause I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts.
- [24:13]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, yeah.
- [24:13]
Nikki Glaser
I've listened to, like, interviews with pedophiles. Like, how does this happen? You know, and the thing. A lot of times they just do the thing where you go, what do I want to call kids? I go, you know how. Like, you've thought that before? Because you have. You know, it's a thing you have to ask yourself that.
- [24:26]
Mike Birbiglia
Right?
- [24:27]
Nikki Glaser
And they kind of. They usually laugh. But if they don't, I go. And if you haven't, like, I think you're scared of the answer. And then that, like, gets them for, like. So they can't be mad anymore because they know that's true. Like, if you.
- [24:37]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [24:38]
Nikki Glaser
And if it. You put. And most of us pass it. You know, when we go, yes. Like, oh, my God, that makes me sick. And you're like, you're not that thing. But some guys go, no, no, no, I'm getting a boner. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then the joke goes on and on, but that's really dark. But guess what? I think child abuse is one of the Worst things that can happen. It's the worst thing for society. It's like where why we're in the state we're in is because these people did not learn empathy. Cause they were abused as children. Whether em. Physically, sexually, spiritually.
- [25:10]
Mike Birbiglia
And the cycle repeats itself.
- [25:11]
Nikki Glaser
And if we don't talk about it.
- [25:14]
Mike Birbiglia
No, I know.
- [25:14]
Nikki Glaser
Then if kids are. If people are made to feel ashamed of getting molested, which is. It's in the air because everyone goes, you can't talk about it. That's too dark. Why is it too dark? Did that person. It's not a bad thing that that happened to her. That was an. It was like a car accident. She could talk about being in a car accident when she was 5, but she can't talk about being molested when she was five because it makes everyone feel weird. Or she like, you know, and both those things can be very triggering things. I'm not telling people. I feel because some people have been like, Nikki, some people don't want to talk about their molestations. It's too much for them. Like, then that's fine. But I don't think we should live in a world where that's really weird. You brought that up. It's like it's happening all around us. And it's very simple way to make it stop is if everyone just is able to report it and talk about it naturally.
- [25:54]
Mike Birbiglia
I've always felt that way about. You know, I bring this up in one of my books where I got really emotional when I saw the movie. Spotlight is about all the abuse in the Catholic Church. Tom McCarthy directed this movie. It's a brilliant movie. I think it's one of the best movies in the last 25 years. But I cried and cried and cried when I saw it. And I think it's because I grew up in that repressive Catholic, Massachusetts altar boy universe. And the movie is about putting a spotlight on things like that.
- [26:21]
Nikki Glaser
Yes.
- [26:21]
Mike Birbiglia
And that's what jokes do too.
- [26:22]
Nikki Glaser
I don't want to get on my like high horse about like, that's our job as comedians. Like that's. But like if you're a good comedian artist, which it's okay if you're not. If you just want to make people laugh and get the easy joke or whatever you do. Like, I think even like goofy stuff. That's not saying something is important. Yeah, but I'm saying if you want to say something, I think we have to. My only job, I think is to talk about things that people don't know how to say. Themselves or they haven't heard yet on tv. Because I get to say it because I'm in a. The things I say live on stage, on my tour. They're not going in a special. They're insane. And I'm like, how cool is it that I get to feel safe saying things into a microphone in front of thousands of people? And if this gets out, my life is kind of fucked.
- [27:03]
Mike Birbiglia
That's so funny.
- [27:04]
Nikki Glaser
It's a thrill. It feels like shoplifting again. I'm like. Like, I will go to bed after a night of a show, and I'm like, oh, my God. If someone recorded that one line and took it out of context, I'm cooked.
- [27:12]
Mike Birbiglia
You know, it's so. That's a great way of life, but.
- [27:15]
Nikki Glaser
It'S cool that I get to do that still. Like, I feel safe enough, even in this. We don't even take people's phones. I probably should start. Now that I put this out there, people are gonna be like. But now I catch them, I go, I can stop filming. Stop filming. I just go quick. Because I go, if you want to film comedians, get a matte case because we can see the shine off or put your hand in front of it. But I. I'm really, like, fired up. I've been working on this pedophile joke for literally, like, yeah, it skipped. It hasn't made it into two different specials. And I. The other night, I go, the pedophile joke's not going in the special.
- [27:44]
Mike Birbiglia
As.
- [27:45]
Nikki Glaser
When I got off stage the other night to my friends, I was like, it's. It's. It can't. It's just like. It's one of those jokes that can only take place there because I think out of context, people could just destroy me over it and be like, I'm on the wrong side of things or I'm being insensitive, and. But the truth is, I'm like. Like, all four people. Like, if you were molested, like, I'm writing it for you. Even though I wasn't molested, I could still write a joke for people who have been. I have a lot of empathy. Even though I'm not fat. I'm, like, trying to write a joke about fat people, and I'm not fat.
- [28:14]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [28:15]
Nikki Glaser
But I could be.
- [28:16]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [28:16]
Nikki Glaser
And I would like to be. I would like to live in a world where I could be and wouldn't feel like I would be treated less than. And I'm angered by that. And so I want to say something about. So it's like, I'm Kind of. It's kind of scary to talk about things. It's like, you don't have a right to talk about that. You're not that thing.
- [28:29]
Mike Birbiglia
Sure.
- [28:30]
Nikki Glaser
But why can I. I could have a bad take, actually, on this thing. I'm allowed to.
- [28:34]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [28:34]
Nikki Glaser
That's when people bothers me is like, you can't talk about that because you. It's like, well, I'm. I could have a horrible take. That's still okay, too.
- [28:41]
Mike Birbiglia
I can have a horrible take.
- [28:43]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. I have the take of someone who hasn't experienced it.
- [28:47]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [28:47]
Nikki Glaser
Actually, I can talk about molestation because it hasn't happened to me.
- [28:50]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [28:50]
Nikki Glaser
That's actually why. Like, if it happened to me, I probably. Like, I don't. I was anorexic and I can make jokes here and there about it and I can talk about it seriously, but comedically I can't. But other people, I mean, I have lines here and there, but my own experience with it. There's like too much pain and like shame there.
- [29:06]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [29:07]
Nikki Glaser
And so someone else could probably talk about it and say some things that I can't. So. Because it didn't happen to them.
- [29:23]
Mike Birbiglia
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- [31:36]
Nikki Glaser
It depends on my mood. But, you know, I just cue up a song of what I'm going through. But I remember one that was, like, really heartbreaking was the Drugs don't work by the Verve. I remember hearing that song and being like, I think this is the saddest song I've ever heard. And I, like, sent it to my dad with an emotional email attached that he never really wrote back to. So it just was like, you need to hear this. It's just about someone they love, like, dying of cancer, and it's not working, and they're gonna go, oh, my God. And it's so good. The Verve. Underrated. What about you?
- [32:09]
Mike Birbiglia
I've answered this before. I'll answer it again. I can't make you love me. Oh, funny rate.
- [32:16]
Nikki Glaser
Why does that one hit for you? What's going on?
- [32:19]
Mike Birbiglia
I think it's. Cause it's at the heart of so many feelings of. Of, like, so many things, you know, so many things in your life are out of your control. Yeah, I feel like that that's what that song's about.
- [32:35]
Nikki Glaser
Do you know it's written? Why it was written?
- [32:38]
Mike Birbiglia
No, I know she didn't write it.
- [32:40]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. So that song, I think, was about a guy. The guy that wrote it, like, witnessed some interaction in court, whether he was in jury duty or something of, you know, a marital dispute. And it was a guy really wanting to, like, stay together with this woman. And it was just the divorce was finalized, and his, like, last statement after he kind of did his thing was like, and I can't make you love me if you don't. Wow. And then the person, just the songwriter, like wrote it down, was like, like, I can't make her. Like he was just some. Like it was like, oh, but that is really. I mean that's, that's.
- [33:09]
Mike Birbiglia
It's deep to me. Right. Because it's like I'm. I think I'm a bit of a control freak. I think that that's one of my Achilles heels.
- [33:15]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, did you ever love someone and they didn't love you? It's the.
- [33:20]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh yeah.
- [33:21]
Nikki Glaser
It's the. That's why I pick people who can never love. Like. Like I. That's why I go like when they start to love me. I'm like, this is boring.
- [33:29]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh God. Yes.
- [33:30]
Nikki Glaser
I live for someone who doesn't love me even though my parents love me so much.
- [33:34]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [33:35]
Nikki Glaser
I just didn't believe it. I think that's it. Cause by all accounts they did. But I just didn't buy it. I didn't get it.
- [33:43]
Mike Birbiglia
You did the quality control on it. You didn't. It didn't pass.
- [33:46]
Nikki Glaser
I didn't believe, like I didn't let it in. And because my mom's always like. But we. I did hug you and there's like evidence of it. I'm like, you didn't hug me. That's why I'm desperate for strangers attention. It's like I realize now they did love me as a normal child, that would have been enough. But for me, I needed something more.
- [34:02]
Mike Birbiglia
Is there a group that wouldn't let you in ever in your life?
- [34:06]
Nikki Glaser
All the time. Yeah. Like I feel like that's. That's also what drives me is like I. I want to be one of the popular girls.
- [34:13]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [34:14]
Nikki Glaser
I want to be in that play.
- [34:15]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [34:16]
Nikki Glaser
I want to be one of the best singers in acapella. I want to be seen as one of the. As exceptional. And I just, I never was and now I am.
- [34:25]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [34:26]
Nikki Glaser
And I don't believe it. So why. Because why now? Why did it take 40 years? Yeah, I think although I have a lot a track record of proving that I'm not worthy of. Of being special. And now I am. I'm just kind of like too little too late. Like I'm not. Like it's never happened before. I've never been. Like no one's ever been like, you're the best. Or like any kind of like not saying that like even one of the best. Like I don't relate to being. I was always. It's not the popular. I was a minus student, a minus popularity, which is fine. But as someone who Wants to be the best. It's very frustrating. But then I made peace with it and now it's here and I just. And now once you get it, it's like I can't even enjoy it. As I didn't enjoy going to the popular kid's house when I did get invited.
- [35:07]
Mike Birbiglia
Right.
- [35:07]
Nikki Glaser
Stressed out the whole time that I didn't belong there.
- [35:10]
Mike Birbiglia
I, I think this, I think you should do this in the special.
- [35:15]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, I think I'm getting into like having low self esteem or just like.
- [35:19]
Mike Birbiglia
Because this is thematically a lot of what you're talking about. In that Beacon hour, we've been trying.
- [35:24]
Nikki Glaser
To like, me and my team have been trying to be like, what, what, what do I want to say? Like, I've been asking myself that and it's like. Or no, they've been saying something that's interesting about your life right now that you haven't been able to talk about in specials is that you got famous. Why don't you talk about being famous? People want to hear that. And I'm like, but I don't have anything to say about it. But that is something to say about it is that it's reaching a new level that I have since Tom Brady roast hasn't brought me more happiness. I mean, it has in terms of the desserts and the money and stuff, but like, but it's not made me believe in myself anymore. In fact, I feel like there's so much more to lose now if someone figures out that I'm not good. And so now it's just like, I gotta, I just really wanna let go of that stuff.
- [36:06]
Mike Birbiglia
Is there a story? Cause you were saying like I was invited to the popular girls house eventually and I didn't.
- [36:12]
Nikki Glaser
Is there a story around that?
- [36:13]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah, you have it. Do you have a story?
- [36:14]
Nikki Glaser
I have so many stories of being.
- [36:16]
Mike Birbiglia
Tell me. Because I feel like that should be in the show. Because I feel like thematically that's what the show's about already. But I think if you had like a childhood story where we're like, oh my God, of course we've all been there. We've all been the unpopular kid who gets invited like one time to the popular kid's house.
- [36:32]
Nikki Glaser
Well, oh yeah, you know, it was always just like, I thought this was like a funny image that I. But I don't know how to make it something because I always feel this way whenever I go to like a Golden Globe. Like not gold globes because I host it. But even there I was just kind of like, I Am sorry I'm here. Like, I'd be in the crowd doing a thing, and I'd just be like, no one talk to me. Whereas everyone was like, we don't want to talk to her because she's hosting. And I'm like, they hate me and they're mad I'm here, and they think I'm a fraud, but just always going. And, like, one person, like, were you popular?
- [37:02]
Mike Birbiglia
No, it was a. It was like a winding road.
- [37:05]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. So you the same kind of.
- [37:06]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah, yeah. In and out, in and out.
- [37:08]
Nikki Glaser
You would, like, become friends with someone in class that was of the popular group, but they were maybe lower level or, like, one of, like, the chill stoner guys. I befriend him. He would invite me to the popular hang.
- [37:17]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [37:17]
Nikki Glaser
No one else there knew I was coming. And then it's all like, why is she here? And by that time, Gavin's in the bathroom, so I can't be like, Gavin brought me. So it's just like, I just appear.
- [37:26]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, God.
- [37:27]
Nikki Glaser
And you, like, they only notice you because you knock over, like, something.
- [37:30]
Mike Birbiglia
That's a great.
- [37:31]
Nikki Glaser
Why are you here? Who invited her? I'm like, gavin. And he's nowhere. He's getting high outside. And so, like, that's always how I feel at things is like, the person who brought me there isn't explaining to people why I'm here. And so it looks like I've snuck in, like, right, like at the Comedy Cellar.
- [37:48]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [37:48]
Nikki Glaser
I remember Amy and Anthony back in the day, you know, 2009 or whatever, bringing me to the Cellar 10, and me being back at that table, being like, I don't belong here. I need to get the fuck out of here. Like, Esti's here tonight. Like, I've only heard about her. It's a Saturday night, and I order food. They're like, it's fine, Nick. It's fine. You're with us. We're regulars, which they were. They go down to, like, watch Aziz or something. They're like, stay here because your food's coming. I stay there. I'm alone at the table. Chris Rock walks in, and Esti sees me, and he sees the table, turns around and goes. Gets a booth, but I don't have time to even, like, leave or anything. And Estee's just like, who are you? Like, nightmare. Nightmare. Cause I didn't even want to be there in the first place. I fought sitting there, and then all of a sudden, it looks like I'm like, this is my table, and I don't even Work there. She doesn't even know my name. I'm so glad she didn't remember me as a table.
- [38:37]
Mike Birbiglia
Cut to Chris Roxa at your Beacon show with Padma Lakshmi, like 10 years later.
- [38:42]
Nikki Glaser
Cut to.
- [38:43]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [38:43]
Nikki Glaser
And yes, I did belong there. But that's always how I feel is like I somehow tricked someone. Do you have that? Do you have imposter?
- [38:53]
Mike Birbiglia
Yes. Yeah, yeah, Certainly. Oh, yeah, yeah. All day. I mean, yeah, of course. I think like it similarly, though. It goes in and out. Like, I. Like, I'll have. I'll have weeks where I'm going. Like, no, I'm actually pretty good at this. And then I'll. We have weeks where I go. I am fundamentally not funny.
- [39:14]
Nikki Glaser
No, I.
- [39:14]
Mike Birbiglia
And it's a grip. Crazy feeling to be like, I'm fundamentally not funny. And I'm walking in front of a thousand people.
- [39:22]
Nikki Glaser
I am the least funny person. Maybe that's in this place. These people are all funnier than me because they. They are going to see a show of someone who is funnier. And I was only funnier then because I had the right help. Like, I always just attribute anytime I kill it because there have been times where I'm like, couldn't have gone better. Yeah, yeah, I nailed it. I'm great.
- [39:40]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [39:40]
Nikki Glaser
But I just go because of all these people that helped me.
- [39:43]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [39:44]
Nikki Glaser
That all. All these other reasons that weren't me or I just got lucky that someone else turned that down. And also, I had enough time. And also the movies were really good to make fun of. So I just lucked out. Like, you can't compare me to someone who had. Who. You can't say I'm better than this. So and so host. Well, some you can, but like, others you can't. Because I had more to work with. Cause I had wicked. Like, I'll make any excuse why I did that.
- [40:06]
Mike Birbiglia
That's really funny. You're such a good fodder that year or whatever. That's insane.
- [40:10]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. Yeah. Anyone could have done that.
- [40:12]
Mike Birbiglia
I wrote down tons of notes during your show.
- [40:15]
Nikki Glaser
Thank you so much. That's more notes than I've taken on my.
- [40:19]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, really?
- [40:19]
Nikki Glaser
Honestly? Yes.
- [40:21]
Mike Birbiglia
It's so funny. This is. I don't know if this will translate, but you.
- [40:25]
Nikki Glaser
You go.
- [40:25]
Mike Birbiglia
People criticize people who have plastic surgery. They go, she ruined her face. Do you still do this?
- [40:29]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, yeah, but I haven't broken it yet.
- [40:31]
Mike Birbiglia
What's the joke, though?
- [40:32]
Nikki Glaser
Well, the. There is no joke. Okay. The joke is. Well, she didn't want this. Like, why are you getting mad at Her. Like, no one would ask for this. She wishes she had died during anesthesia. She has to walk around like this. Why are you mad at her?
- [40:43]
Mike Birbiglia
So then I wrote down. It's like being like, she shat her pants. It's like if she. I wrote down is. It's like if she shad her pants. And people are like, her pants were so clean before she shit in them.
- [40:57]
Nikki Glaser
Yes. It was an accident.
- [40:59]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah, No, I know. She didn't mean to shit in her pants.
- [41:01]
Nikki Glaser
Why did you shit your pants?
- [41:03]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [41:03]
Nikki Glaser
Why did you choose to do that? Yes. The only thing it's missing for me is that I want the analogy to have the effort behind it, the effort.
- [41:12]
Mike Birbiglia
That goes into it doing something.
- [41:13]
Nikki Glaser
Or so maybe she was trying to.
- [41:14]
Mike Birbiglia
Doing something. It went wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [41:16]
Nikki Glaser
She was trying to fart and she. Her pants.
- [41:18]
Mike Birbiglia
That's right.
- [41:18]
Nikki Glaser
She was just trying to pass gas in a very discreet way. She didn't mean for this to happen.
- [41:23]
Mike Birbiglia
It went south. It went too far.
- [41:25]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. And now you're mad at her pants. She's walking around with shit on her pants all night, and it can. She can't fix it.
- [41:31]
Mike Birbiglia
Her pants were so clean.
- [41:32]
Nikki Glaser
They were so clean before she showed. Why did you ruin your pants?
- [41:35]
Mike Birbiglia
You're trying to fart.
- [41:36]
Nikki Glaser
I used to jerk off to your pants, and now I can't anymore because you've ruined. Ruined it. But there's also the thing of, like. No, because men. Men are the ones that mostly say, she ruined her face. Like, I hear men in my life who I love, who, like, love. Women are. Feminists are like, God, what'd she do to her face? She ruined it. I'm like, she's trying to stay hot for you. It didn't go well, but I promise you, she's trying to keep her looks up for the patriarchy. Not to use that, you know, make it unalive or something. Whatever. You can't use that word on. You'll get demonetized.
- [42:09]
Mike Birbiglia
Right?
- [42:09]
Nikki Glaser
I don't really think so. But, like, it is a. It's not a good word to throw out there if you want people to listen to you. But it's, like, true. Like, don't be mad at her. She's trying to look pretty.
- [42:18]
Mike Birbiglia
And then you had this joke about when people who have been molested should have a separate boarding line at the airport before veterans.
- [42:26]
Nikki Glaser
I don't even think it's active service. But active service doesn't work. People just think it's active. Or can veterans board? I don't think veterans get to board early. But for some reason, no one questions.
- [42:36]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, it's only active service.
- [42:37]
Nikki Glaser
It's active service, but active service isn't funny as veterans.
- [42:40]
Mike Birbiglia
That's crazy.
- [42:41]
Nikki Glaser
I know. Because. But then it would be a little big group.
- [42:45]
Mike Birbiglia
We're not.
- [42:46]
Nikki Glaser
They're not that giving.
- [42:47]
Mike Birbiglia
I just wrote, we're now boarding Mosaic. Okay. Now molested.
- [42:50]
Nikki Glaser
Yes.
- [42:51]
Mike Birbiglia
And then. And then I wrote get in the back. Which is, like, kind of a really dark joke.
- [42:55]
Nikki Glaser
That is.
- [42:57]
Mike Birbiglia
It's maybe too far.
- [42:58]
Nikki Glaser
Yes, it's too far, because the only reason that won't work for me there is because I want. I want to go so far. I want to, like, be like. This is still in the part of the joke where I'm like, it's awesome. You were molest. Like, you survive something. You get all like, no, of course.
- [43:12]
Mike Birbiglia
So you want to uplift.
- [43:13]
Nikki Glaser
But I do it. But then I. I do throw a little jab later on. That's just, like, a dumb molestation joke. But that's a perfect kind. It's just too early because I'm trying to gain their trust. Like, what happened when they were on the phone.
- [43:27]
Mike Birbiglia
Did you. Have you been doing the Wiggles? No. Meet and greet line.
- [43:32]
Nikki Glaser
Yes, every time. And I love it because I get to. You gave me that line. And I won't. You'll see it in the special. But I love it because it's just like. It's actually like a third tag. Like, they don't see it coming. And it's just one more. That's just like. It's great.
- [43:48]
Mike Birbiglia
You have a great line, which is. People are nicer to you when you're symmetrical.
- [43:54]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. Because I'm trying to figure out how to say.
- [43:57]
Mike Birbiglia
But also to your point earlier, when it's true.
- [44:00]
Nikki Glaser
It's true.
- [44:01]
Mike Birbiglia
Then what are you gonna do? That's your experience of life.
- [44:04]
Nikki Glaser
It's not even my experience.
- [44:05]
Mike Birbiglia
People are nicer to me when I'm symmetrical.
- [44:07]
Nikki Glaser
I experience it for sure. But I also have proof. I looked into studies that prove people make more money when they're attractive. They have better lives. It is. Honestly, that's a whole other thing. I really want to make a whole section about ugly people and how they are discriminated people. People who are asymmetrical or who are, like, jarring to look at. It's really hard to talk about it because people go, that's so mean. But it's like. It's not mean. It's literally what their face is. It's not symmetrical. Equals.
- [44:35]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [44:36]
Nikki Glaser
Harmonious. And like, of Nature, you know, and things that aren't make you kind of go, oh, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means you were born with an abnormality, which is fine.
- [44:44]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [44:45]
Nikki Glaser
But you get treated worse. And it's worse discrimination than any of the discriminations in the workplace. And so it actually is. Like once I looked into it, I was like, no, I need to like shout out to ugly people. And by the way, I could become an ugly person. It's like I could get disfigured in some kind of accident that would make me make people like scared to work with me or look at me. And so it's like it needs. And I'm gonna get old. Which equals less symmetrical, just like less vibrant, less ovulating. And so thus, I don't want to say ugly, but not as pleasing to the eye.
- [45:20]
Mike Birbiglia
Sure.
- [45:21]
Nikki Glaser
And so it's going to befall all of us.
- [45:24]
Mike Birbiglia
You go adopted kids.
- [45:26]
Nikki Glaser
Oh, yeah.
- [45:29]
Mike Birbiglia
May have, may have more than dog love.
- [45:34]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. I mean it's, it's a. No, it's not made. They definitely do. But like it's a point about adopting it. Yeah, no, that, that's about, about how like I don't want to have kids and I, if I don't want them now, I'll probably like age out and need if I want to. If I change my mind later, I'll adopt, which I think will be easier because I don't. You don't love them as much. And then people groan, but they know it's true. And, and it's not a bad thing to say. It's more than dog love. And everyone would argue like, dog love is huge.
- [46:06]
Mike Birbiglia
Dog love's huge.
- [46:07]
Nikki Glaser
It's. It's so huge.
- [46:09]
Mike Birbiglia
Here's what I wrote down. Definitely more than plants.
- [46:12]
Nikki Glaser
Yes, yes. Well, there is a hierarchy. But wait a second, let me. There was a bit I wanted to work on. Has it been done before? Of like.
- [46:23]
Mike Birbiglia
I wrote azaleas, golden retriever, Adopted kids. Your kids just kids in general. Yeah, yeah. Kids in general. Your kids.
- [46:33]
Nikki Glaser
So you love adopted kids less than just the idea of kids?
- [46:36]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah, yeah.
- [46:38]
Nikki Glaser
I like the idea of a hierarchy.
- [46:40]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [46:40]
Nikki Glaser
But do you, did you have a dog before you had a kid? Did you?
- [46:44]
Mike Birbiglia
And your wife was a kid, but then we had cats.
- [46:46]
Nikki Glaser
You had cats?
- [46:47]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [46:49]
Nikki Glaser
I want to write a bit about when. And I think it's like well trod territory, but I don't know that there's been a stand up bit about how like when people have kids, they like their dogs that they Used to have an Instagram for that was the center of their life. Like, dies of neglect within two weeks. Like, what? People hate their dog that they want. Like, my friends are like, I literally hate my dog because they have a baby.
- [47:09]
Mike Birbiglia
This is great.
- [47:10]
Nikki Glaser
It's so funny. But I'm like, because I love my dog. It's enough for me. But it is interesting to me that, like, even my friends who love their dog more than I even love my dog.
- [47:18]
Mike Birbiglia
My dog. Yeah.
- [47:18]
Nikki Glaser
Are like, where is she? I don't know where she is. She's matted hair. I barely look at her. I don't even want to be. She smells bad to me. And they used to, like, cuddle all night. It changes because.
- [47:30]
Mike Birbiglia
So funny.
- [47:31]
Nikki Glaser
New love comes in. You're.
- [47:34]
Mike Birbiglia
Which part is wrong? Which part is wrong?
- [47:36]
Nikki Glaser
None of it.
- [47:37]
Mike Birbiglia
I know.
- [47:37]
Nikki Glaser
All true. And yes, there's going to be times where it's not true.
- [47:41]
Mike Birbiglia
But people get mad at you when they go, that's not true for me. Mm.
- [47:44]
Nikki Glaser
No.
- [47:45]
Mike Birbiglia
No one gets mad at you like that.
- [47:47]
Nikki Glaser
I don't pause enough for people to heckle me.
- [47:50]
Mike Birbiglia
Here's my main thing on your hour, which is like. Like, my favorite thing in your last hour is the. Is the. Is the thing where your. Your boyfriend role plays a gang bang for you.
- [48:00]
Nikki Glaser
I'm so glad you liked that.
- [48:01]
Mike Birbiglia
That was so funny. But I think I love it because it's a story and I get who you are. I get who he is, and I get the dynamic between you. I love you as a couple because he does this thing for you.
- [48:15]
Nikki Glaser
Yes.
- [48:15]
Mike Birbiglia
About this really extreme thing about you. Right.
- [48:18]
Nikki Glaser
Yeah.
- [48:18]
Mike Birbiglia
And I feel like I want more of that in this hour.
- [48:22]
Nikki Glaser
Like, I'm just like, you want more microbiglia.
- [48:24]
Mike Birbiglia
I know, but. And you've accused me of this before. As friends, we're like.
- [48:28]
Nikki Glaser
We like what we do.
- [48:29]
Mike Birbiglia
No, we like each other's act, but we also.
- [48:31]
Nikki Glaser
We want to see potential.
- [48:32]
Mike Birbiglia
We see potential. No, but it's so funny. You've said this to me before. You're where you're like. People always give advice of, like, the thing they do.
- [48:40]
Nikki Glaser
I do it too, though.
- [48:41]
Mike Birbiglia
I know. And then it's like.
- [48:42]
Nikki Glaser
And I get so mad and go, why aren't they doing what I do? It's like, because it's not their style. But actually that I don't do what you do because I'm scared of it.
- [48:50]
Mike Birbiglia
No, but even if you.
- [48:51]
Nikki Glaser
It's like the crowd work thing, like telling stories, I've just never did it. I started out as a one liner Comic. It's only, like, because I've written enough jokes about one thing that I ever even produce a story out of it.
- [49:02]
Mike Birbiglia
I'm begging you to go to the Cellar and on stage, tell the story as you remember it of your guy friend taking you to like an all girls cool party. It won't go.
- [49:16]
Nikki Glaser
I'm telling you, Mike, I'm begging you. I'm telling you right now. I know what will happen and there'll be a few punchlines, but I will be too nervous because it's such a departure from how I perform that if I was maybe on a storytelling show and someone was asking me about it, I can get there. But I need to know where the punches are. I couldn't just be like, let me just work this out.
- [49:38]
Mike Birbiglia
Here's my theory on people who tell jokes but don't do.
- [49:41]
Nikki Glaser
But maybe I'll trust.
- [49:42]
Mike Birbiglia
Well, I just think all you need is a beginning and an end. Because as long as the audience knows there's an end, they're like, okay, this will be fine. New beginning and end and then like two jokes in between.
- [49:53]
Nikki Glaser
That's really great advice.
- [49:54]
Mike Birbiglia
Just throw it up there and just see what happens. Because fundamentally, you're funny in your bones and it will be funny. And then the next time you do it, you'll have three punchlines. The next time you do it, you'll have four punchlines. And then it'll be a fucking story. It'll be in your special.
- [50:06]
Nikki Glaser
Okay, that's really good advice because it's having a. As long as I know where I'm going.
- [50:11]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [50:12]
Nikki Glaser
And I have an out because I think that's what. Of course that's the right way to do it, but I never thought of it that way. And that's a. That's great advice.
- [50:18]
Mike Birbiglia
I just had a couple jokes that I was like, oh, I. These are. These are up, up your alley. And also made me your special. Made me think of some of these jokes that I've written, which is, if my wife had sex with someone else, I would be fine with it as long as she told me something annoying about the guy.
- [50:34]
Nikki Glaser
Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. If you could gossip afterwards.
- [50:37]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah. If she was like, I slept with this guy and it was great, but he was so dumb. And I'd be like, that's my girl.
- [50:45]
Nikki Glaser
Yes, that's my point. I don't care if my boyfriend hooks up with other girls because I know I'm cooler. I have that self esteem in terms of that part of our relationship. And as long as. But you can't talk about me to her.
- [50:57]
Mike Birbiglia
Yes, yes.
- [50:58]
Nikki Glaser
My thing is, like, that's the cheating. That or the full cheat. The cheating is, don't watch White Lotus with her. Oh, you can do whatever you want physically, but you do not watch the new love on the spectrum.
- [51:09]
Mike Birbiglia
That's pretty deep, actually, what you're saying.
- [51:12]
Nikki Glaser
I think physical. It's like someone else cooking you a meal for you. I don't care if I cook for.
- [51:16]
Mike Birbiglia
You every night in the morning you watch your show, even by someone else.
- [51:22]
Nikki Glaser
It's like, yeah, you would rather be alone than with. It's like, it's. It's so hurtful.
- [51:28]
Mike Birbiglia
And then the tag of that is because the least fun part of an affair is you can't tell anyone. That's why the most fun part is telling your husband. And if he doesn't kill you, it'll make the marriage stronger.
- [51:40]
Nikki Glaser
Yes, I've thought of that before. Like, I actually am into my boyfriend having a girlfriend. If we could, like, I wouldn't care if he could juggle both of us.
- [51:51]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [51:51]
Nikki Glaser
Talk about. But as long as you complain about it to me and, like, I get to hear about it. What was your other point there?
- [51:58]
Mike Birbiglia
The least fun part of an affair is you can't tell anyone.
- [52:00]
Nikki Glaser
Yes, it's. It's fun to. When you're falling in love with someone, it's really fun to talk about. And it's gotta be. That's why. That's why guys. Guys that cheat or women that cheat always get busted because they will find a way to talk about their secretary to their wife in a different way. Just like, oh, that she. Oh. And this girl said this funny thing to, like, they'll. That's a way to. You think someone's. It's a tell. They'll. Just because they are dying to talk about their crush, because it's in all of us to do that. So that's a tell.
- [52:26]
Mike Birbiglia
Ooh. Okay. So then I have this I thought was interesting in relation to all of your animal activism stuff is. I, I. The. The. I was. I was writing about the ethics of porn and how. I don't support the ethics of how porn is made, but to me, it's kind of like the ethics of eating meat. It's like I've all. I've watched all the documentaries about the meat industry, but I also love fried chicken sandwiches, and I believe that those contradictions can coexist peacefully. And I think they're gonna have to. Cause I don't think people are gonna stop eating fried Chicken sandwiches while watching porn.
- [53:08]
Nikki Glaser
Okay. I like where that comes around. And I actually. I love that argument because it's the way I feel about porn. It's like, I stopped eating meat. I didn't wanna stop eating meat. I love it. But I stopped because I saw the truth. But why isn't it working for porn? If I watch a documentary about how grim this is? And the difference is women can talk and like, oh, my God. Ask for help. Oh, my God, your chicken can't.
- [53:32]
Mike Birbiglia
That is dark as hell.
- [53:34]
Nikki Glaser
And that brings us back to parrots. Parrots are the only bird that doesn't get eaten because it talks. If animals could talk, we wouldn't eat them.
- [53:41]
Mike Birbiglia
That's a good point.
- [53:42]
Nikki Glaser
And that's why people are like, why do you care so much about animals and not about people? And I'm like, people, at least I hate human suffering, but at least people can, like, understand what's happening to them. It really hurts me to think of an animal being like, I don't know. And I'm so scared. Like, that breaks my heart. It's like they're kids, you know, they don't have words for it. And it's like, it's. Animals, to me are like babies in that way that they can't express the fear or pain. And it's like, yeah. And they don't because we eat them because they're dumb. But because they're dumb, it makes it so much more heartbreaking that they don't understand their situation. They can't even be like, I'm unlucky. They're just like, life is hell. Like, every fucking. From the moment they're born, they're like. And then they die. And then you eat that pain.
- [54:23]
Mike Birbiglia
I think that that could be an hour.
- [54:26]
Nikki Glaser
I wanna. That's my. My biggest goal, is having a really strong vegan message. Like, I do a little bit on stage where I'm like. And I just, like, go vegan. Like, it's not only good for the world, but, like, I just feel better than you. Yeah, I just, like, I'm a better person. Like, it didn't land. I feel better than you. I just. I feel like I'm better than you. I don't know how to phrase it, but it's true. Like, you know, there's always one vegan. I go, you know you're a good person, right? Because you're vegan. Like, it gives you this grounding of, like, you, meat and cheese are delicious. I'm doing a hard thing because it's the right Thing. So I get to like always be like, I'm good. And then I get to watch porn. That's, you know, being horrible to women and feel like bad about that. But at least I'm a vegan.
- [55:07]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah.
- [55:08]
Nikki Glaser
And because we are. Right.
- [55:09]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah. My joke, my other joke about the ethics of porn is like, I sometimes feel guilty if I watch porn, but then I'm like, well, they already filmed it.
- [55:17]
Nikki Glaser
You're so right. It's. You didn't. That's the same with like, when people are like, I'm so sorry I'm eating this in front of you. I'm like, it's already done. I mean, I don't care.
- [55:23]
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah. Like, ship has sailed.
- [55:25]
Nikki Glaser
But I did sneak that vegan messaging in and I did shame everyone.
- [55:28]
Mike Birbiglia
I love that.
- [55:28]
Nikki Glaser
Like a true vegan.
- [55:29]
Mike Birbiglia
I think it's going to be an hour. It's going to be a vegan hour. Meatless.
- [55:34]
Nikki Glaser
Can you think of a worse title than plant based?
- [55:38]
Mike Birbiglia
Plant based comedy?
- [55:39]
Nikki Glaser
It would have negative views.
- [55:47]
Mike Birbiglia
The last thing we do is working out for a cause. Is there a non profit that you like to give to. And we will link to them in the show notes and contribute.
- [55:53]
Nikki Glaser
Yes. Thank you so much. It is called Rescue the Birds and it is a avian rescue organization that I won money for when I did who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
- [56:04]
Mike Birbiglia
Oh, wow.
- [56:05]
Nikki Glaser
And I, I got them a hundred thousand dollars and it was just like for birds. And we went to go, I went to go visit and it's just like a park. This couple living at a house with so many parrots to take care of between the two of them. And it was this whole rescue operation in the suburbs of Chicago for parrots because they're often the animal people get without understanding how much care they take and how they're not. They're wild animals. They're not really domesticated. And then these all, so many birds are abandoned and everyone's like, not everyone, but people give to cats and dogs. But I think it's nice to focus on birds because birds are so smart. These birds talk and then they're abandoned and they're supposed to fly and they're in fucking cages. It's fucking brutal if you think about it. There should be no new birds bought ever. It should end breeding, should end now. They're stolen out of like nests in the rainforest. Babies are stolen and they spend their lives in prison. At least your dog has the yard. Your bird seems happy because it's as happy as it could be in that condition. But it's like, I love birds and love them as pets, but I would never buy a new bird and you can only rescue. So this is a place that just does it right.
- [57:08]
Mike Birbiglia
We will link to them in the show notes. We'll contribute and thank you for coming on. And you're. You're the captain of comedy.
- [57:17]
Nikki Glaser
It feels so good to finally like, it feels like captain of the pep club or captain of the cheerleading squad was not even an option in high school. So it feels really good. Thank you.
- [57:28]
Mike Birbiglia
Working it out. Cause it's not done. We're working it out because there's no that's going to do it. For another episode of Working It Out, Nikki Glaser is on tour now. Like I said, she's all over America and also Australia and New Zealand. For our New Zealand and Australian listeners, get tickets@nikki glazer.com follow her on Instagram at Nikki Glazer. You can watch the full video of this episode on our YouTube channel @Mike Birbiglia. Check that out and subscribe. We are posting more and more stuff. Check out burrbigs.com to sign up for the mailing list. To be the first to know about my upcoming shows, thanks for watching the Good Life on Netflix. If you like it, post about it on Instagram or Facebook or wherever. You let your friends and enemies know about different things. It it means the world to me. Our producers of Working it out are myself, along with Peter Salomon, Joseph Birbiglian, Mabel Lewis, associate producer Gary Simons sound mix by Shub Sarin supervising engineer Kate Balinsky. Special thanks to Jack and Enough and Bleachers for their music. Special thanks as always to my wife, the poet J. Hope Stein, and our daughter Una, who built the original radio fort made of pillows. Thanks most of all to you who are listening. If you enjoy this show, do us a favor and rate us on Apple podcasts. It really helps if you're new to the podcast and you enjoyed this episode. We have 170 more episodes. Episodes we've done. They're all free. There's no paywall. We've had some incredible guests. We've had Please don't destroy a couple times we had Sarah Sherman. We've had David Sedaris. Just tons and tons of great people. Thanks most of all to you who listen. Tell your friends, Tell your enemies, tell your vegan friends. Next time they ask you to try going vegan, make them a deal. Say, I'll try going vegan for one full week. If you listen to both Nikki Glaser working It out episodes. I go vegan. You listen to Working It Out? In a week, we'll meet up for tofu. Thanks, everybody. We're working it out. We'll see you next time.