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You know, three days ago, I had a plan. I had a plan for preaching the choir and what I was going to talk about. And now it's completely lost on me because I can't remember On Thursday at 7:33pm, the idea I had for preaching the choir was derailed when a friend texted me with a question. He said, when you were in the dark place and wanted all to end, what was the one thing that kept you going? What a powerful question. I actually pulled my vehicle over, stopped to answer this question. I said nothing. At my lowest, I didn't want to live because I felt like I lost everything and honestly, that I've had a full and complete life, many lives. But then I realized, as long as I am breathing, I'm able, even on my deathbed, to have an impact on my children. There's a lot to be said, and maybe not today or even this year or next. If I'm gone, there's no chance for me to tell my kids the important things I must say. My life's not fulfilled until I've imparted my last words to my children. So they keep me going. They keep me in the fight. My spouse, my children, and the promises I've made to God. That was my response when he said, when you were in the dark place and want it all to end, I thought to myself, I'm in a dark place. You might be in a dark place. And have you noticed it's just human nature that when you're in a dark place, it's hard to be optimistic about your future, your life, when you're out of the dark place because it's seemingly behind you. Oh, are we so optimistic? Positive. We have energy, endorphins, adrenaline, But when we're in it, we're complacent. We have little to no gratitude at all. And we ask often, as in the case of my own personal situation, why? We ask the question why? And I've noticed a pattern in my own life where the closer I was to a traumatic event, the death of a teammate, the loss of a friend, my own mortality, a surgery where I almost passed away. True story. A firefight where I almost lost my life several times over. True story. I've tended to be more optimistic about life the closer that was. So it happens. I go home and I love everybody. It's similar to my experience in ibogaine. You do ibogaine and then five meo. And then you have this realization that we're very closely connected to each other. One and two. Life is precious. And it's hanging on by a threat. It could be here today, right now, and gone instantaneously in one moment. And when you experience that physiological, mental and physical feeling in your body, in your heart, you come out of that very optimistic. You want to call everybody. You want to tell everybody you love them. You want to tell everybody that you've hurt, that you're sorry. But as the hours and the days tick by, weeks now, months, we get complacent. We forget I wrote a substack article on this idea prior to my friend asking me this question, and it perfectly highlights the specifics of what I'm talking about. The title of the article, which I'll link in the description below, is Live More Often. Lmo Live More Often. And it begins with I watched a documentary recently where a man with stage four lung cancer said something that stopped me in my tracks. He said, I've been so lucky to be sick this long. Most people would hear that and think it sounds insane. Lucky to be dying, lucky to be sick. But what I recognized is people that are living, weighing their mortality on their deathbed, in some cases get it because they're closely connected with the thin line that exists between life and death. Again, the further we get away from that, the more complacent and the less gratitude we have. In the book of lamentations 322 through 23, it says, because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. Around this time March, April time frame Beautiful spring morning years ago, over a decade ago, I was driving to range 37, a special forces training center where several of my friends, close friends, were meeting up that morning because they were instructors. It was a Saturday morning. Beautiful Saturday morning. Crisp air, not a cloud in the sky. You're gonna have a range day. You're gonna run and gun and train. I was currently under orders to ETS from my unit, Bravo Company, 2nd Battalion, 3rd Special Forces Group where I was a sniper and I was going back to Combat Applications group after a two year probationary period. So I was scheduled to go back to the unit and I wanted to do train up. I wanted to get myself physically fit, mentally prepared and technically proficient. So it was a Saturday morning. I was driving my 1999 Jeep Wrangler and I slow rolled to an intersection leaving my house in Lillington, North Carolina where I had 10 acres in between pig farms. There's a tobacco farm on the backside and two pig farms out in front. My Backstop was a church, a Baptist church, very typical of rural North Carolina. I pulled up to the intersection, was going to take a left on this main road that headed into town. And at the light at the intersection, I saw my team sergeant, Stephen Walker Booth Walker was on a Harley Davidson motorcycle and his beautiful wife dawn was riding shotgun. He would. He was driving the motorcycle with ape hangers. He had Oakley sunglasses on and a little skull cap helmet. His wife had her arms wrapped around his waist, and he was taking her to an EMT class. She was getting certified as an EMT. Nine, 9:30 in the morning. As I took the left, I knew he was going to be behind me, and for sure he recognized my Jeep. He pulled up behind me, then beside me, looked at me, waved in good old boy Walker fashion. I actually think he flicked me off and his wife waved. And they drove in front of me. And we rounded the corner on the roundabout near where you would go down a road to go to either the CAD compound, range 37's compound, or Pope Air Force Base. He rounded the corner and I saw some debris and something that didn't look or sit right with me. And I saw what appeared to be a motorcycle kind of come up in the air, which later I'd realize was Walker's wife, Dawn. And moments later, seconds later, I came up on the scene of a horrific accident where a young Air Force girl on a beautiful clear day was on her cell phone, pulled out of a gas station, pulled out right in front of Walker and his wife. She passed away tragically, instantly. And I became the first responder on the scene, someone who was looking at Optim very optimistically about life, especially after a difficult rotation. That rotation. Walker, who was my team sergeant at the time and a good friend, who is basically teammates, he was another sniper and another troop, and we worked together downrange. We had a successful rotation, but it was still difficult. When I arrived on the scene with my Jeep, I turned my jeep sideways to block traffic, and Walker was crumpled up, laying next to his bike where he had impacted the vehicle that pulled out in front of him. He was rolling around and he was still alive. I ran back to my jeep and I carried first aid equipment on the back of my seat, and I grabbed that and I went to him and I started training, treating his injuries. In my assessment of his injuries, I knew that it was likely he broke a femur, he broke legs. He had a punctured chest wound that was causing his lungs to collapse. Long story short, we winded up needle decompressing his chest. After we put a chest seal on the open wound, some life did come back to him. But in the end, he. He perished. He passed away right before we loaded him on the helicopter. As I was holding his hand, I'll never forget the look when he looked at me and his eyes dilated and his life left him. All I could do is tell him that his beautiful wife dawn, was okay and that he was going to fight and he was going to be okay. It was a curse, I thought. But it's also been a blessing because it's a reminder to me, despite the difficulties that I'm going through, where I look at my beautiful children on little Polaroid snapshots and I'm surrounded by the memories of them. In that I'm reminded that life is fleeting, it's temporary. God has promised us, every one of you, through being saved through his son, Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior, that you'll have eternal life. And I don't think there's any catches to that. So I am preaching to the choir. And what I'm saying, in a nutshell, is I get it. Just like the original question that was asked of me, I'm living it in the present. And how I get through is by reminding myself that as long as you're breathing, as long as you're capable of implementing action in some way, you're alive. And if you're alive, you're capable. What I mean is, you're capable of fighting not just for yourself, but the people you love. And if you've made mistakes, if you've gone through difficulties in your life, it's never too late to repair, redeem, reunify, and continue your life moving forward. That's all we can do on this earth in this temporary amount of time that we have. Wrapping up what I said in my substack in this article I lined out, you need to start choosing gratitude more often. You start by noticing the small blessings that used to slip past you and notice you hug your kids longer, you call your friends, you forgive faster, you speak truth even when it's uncomfortable. And you start living like the clock actually means something. Most of us will never hear a terminal diagnosis that forces us to confront our mortality head on. But we don't need one. All we have to do is pay attention. Every graveyard we pass, every obituary, every soldier whose boots never made it home, they are reminders not just of loss, but of urgency. Life is short, but it is also unbelievably rich if we have the perspective to see it that man in the documentary understood something most people miss. Being close to death didn't rob him of gratitude. It gave it to him. And maybe the real challenge for the rest of us is learning how to live with that same clarity without having to stand at death's doorstep first. Appreciate you guys. I have a lot of gratitude today. I'm going into the week with a lot of gratitude and remembering. As long as I'm alive, then things can get better in my life. They will improve. I'll see this plan through as God intends, and I'll continue to fight, never give up, never quit, and go into this week with gratitude as well. Love you guys.
