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I wish you knew…what it was like growing up low-income

Mind If We Talk?

Thu Mar 26 2026

Summary

Podcast Summary: Mind If We Talk? – “I wish you knew… what it was like growing up low-income”

Host: Srila Roy Green (BetterHelp)
Guests: Viviana Vasquez (Financial Educator/Influencer), Javi (Viviana’s Husband), Special Expert: Sarah Close (Licensed Therapist)
Release Date: March 26, 2026

Overview

This episode of "Mind if We Talk?" dives into the experience of growing up low-income and explores how early financial hardship can deeply influence not only our relationships to money, but also our sense of self-worth, emotional wellbeing, and intimate partnerships. Host Srila Roy Green facilitates a courageous, vulnerable conversation with Viviana Vasquez and her husband Javi, who detail their contrasting upbringings, the unspoken pressures and shame that come with money differences, and how open communication and therapy helped transform secrecy and isolation into trust and collaboration. The latter part of the episode features therapist Sarah Close, who explains the psychological impacts of financial trauma and provides practical advice for individuals and couples navigating similar issues.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Viviana’s Money Story: Childhood in Low-Income, Immigrant Family

[04:22–08:07]

Viviana describes growing up in a family of five in Manhattan in a rent-controlled but rundown apartment. Issues included unreliable utilities, mice, and roaches.
She absorbed her parents’ financial stress early, feeling a responsibility (as the eldest daughter) to “fix” things.

“When I was in high school, I had to fill out the FAFSA by myself…that’s when I realized we were living below the poverty line.” (A, 04:58)
There was both normalization (because many peers had similar backgrounds) and alienation, especially in comparison to middle/upper-class classmates.
Internalized the ambition to “save” the family: “Cuando yo este grande tolla comprehend…when I’m older, I’m going to buy us all a home. I’m going to pay for everything…” (A, 07:38)

2. Shame, Secrecy, and Relationship Dynamics

[09:02–16:35]

Viviana and Javi discuss how their different financial backgrounds (hers: low-income and financially responsible for family; his: relatively stable, middle-class) created initial barriers.
Viviana hid her financial struggles and debt for nearly two years out of embarrassment and fear of judgment.

“For a really long time, I never told him that I was struggling financially…it wasn’t until maybe two years in where I told him.” (A, 00:00 / 12:45-13:44)
The reveal was pivotal. Javi responded with empathy, not judgment:

“I understand, but not really, and I’m here for you.” (C, 09:50)
Javi felt both sadness for Viviana’s situation and some guilt for not recognizing her distress sooner.

3. Breaking the Silence: How Openness Changed Their Relationship

[19:04–27:48]

Post-revelation, they shifted from “50/50” financial strategies to more collaborative, compassionate planning.

“For her to tell me that…it made me really sad and proud at the same time, because…I wouldn’t have been able to do what she did.” (C, 14:00)
Viviana’s reluctance to accept financial help stemmed from hyper-independence learned as the eldest daughter.
They ultimately built a foundation of trust, regularly discussing money and supporting each other’s families as needed.
Viviana acknowledges progress, but notes some scarcity mindset “triggers” remain (e.g., guilt about spending on “wants” like getting her nails done).

4. Tools for Healing and Growth in Inter-Class Relationships

[20:32–29:44]

Tough but open conversations (about quitting jobs, prenups, financial plans) strengthened their unit.
Both stress the ongoing nature of healing from money trauma and learning to “shift from a scarcity to an abundance mindset.”

“You could be in a completely different place as an adult than you were as a child and still think the way that you thought about money as a child. And I think that’s okay.” (A, 28:07)
Advice for couples: Practice patience, understanding, and honest, nonjudgmental communication.

Therapy Segment: Expert Analysis with Sarah Close

[35:24–59:00]

a. How Early Financial Strain Affects Children

[35:40–36:30]

Chronic financial stress impacts the developing nervous system; kids often become hypervigilant and may try to “fix” the situation (parentification).

“The things that are not spoken out loud are often felt…that sense of stress can really impact a developing nervous system.” (D, 35:40)

b. Separation of Past & Present – Changing Money Narratives

[37:13–39:23]

Healing is possible, but it’s ongoing. Recognize when adult reactions are rooted in a child’s fear.

“Anytime that it comes up, we are able to ask ourselves: does this feeling or experience feel younger than I am?” (D, 37:31)

c. Therapy & Self-Compassion

[39:40–40:44]

Therapy helps unpack money stories, slow down trauma responses, and reveal underlying fears and needs (connection, safety, worthiness), not just “the numbers.”

d. Belonging & Identity: The Psychological Throughline

[41:52–45:18]

Childhood lessons about not belonging can snowball into perfectionism, hyper-independence, risk aversion, or hopelessness.

“That concept of money and belonging…is literally their life or death experience. This is a survival response.” (D, 41:52)

e. Money in Adult Life: Triggers, Conversations, and Differences

[45:49–53:36]

Money struggles and shame resurface in work, relationships, and major life choices.
Open, heart-level communication is key to healing but especially difficult for those with a history of scarcity.
Couples with different money backgrounds can find strength in their differences by acknowledging and balancing each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

f. Practical Advice for Couples

Write and share your “money stories.”
Recognize that money arguments are seldom just about numbers—they’re about safety, trust, and identity.

“You’re not fighting about dollars, you’re fighting about what the dollars mean.” (D, 57:22-57:30)
Shift from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.”
Practice slowing conversations down, pausing to self-regulate, and affirming unity (“We got this”).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Viviana, on scarcity and self-reliance:

“As the eldest daughter…hyper independent…embarrassing to ask for help because it would just make me feel like I failed.” (A, 16:37)
Javi, on loving through differences:

“I understand, but not really, and I’m here for you.” (C, 09:50)
Srila, on breakthrough moments:

“Viviana, you had to break the dam. It’s like once the dam broke though, everything just flowed.” (B, 20:07)
Viviana, about generational healing:

“I feel really bad for [young me]…all of the financial and emotional stress…fell on young me…I never want any child to feel like that.” (A, 29:44)
Sarah Close, on changing the narrative:

“It’s not about the money. It’s about our sense of belonging in the world, our sense of connection to ourself and to others, our sense of safety.” (D, 40:32)

Key Timestamps

04:22 – Viviana’s first awareness of being low-income; family context
07:38 – Childhood promises to parents; sense of responsibility
12:45–14:00 – Viviana’s admission of debt to Javi; opening up
16:37 – Why it took two years to be honest about money struggles
19:04 – Shift to honest, collaborative financial conversations
20:32 – Hardest conversations: quitting job, prenup
27:48 – Advice: patience, emotional work of breaking cycles
29:44 – Healing for the “inner child”; desire not to repeat cycles
35:40 – Sarah Close: the impact of ongoing stress on children’s psychology
41:52 – Psychological link between money, belonging, and survival
57:22 – Therapist’s key insight: arguments aren’t about dollars, but their meaning

Actionable Takeaways & Pearls of Wisdom

For Individuals:
- Healing money trauma is a process; be patient and compassionate toward yourself.
- Reflect: Are my attitudes toward money and help rooted in old fears?
For Couples:
- Start honest money conversations, even when afraid or ashamed—secrecy is heavier than openness.
- Recognize and value what each partner brings; differences can be strengths.
- Learn each other’s “money stories.”
- Move from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem”—affirm unity.
From the Therapist:
- Money issues in adulthood are rooted in childhood experiences of safety, worth, and belonging.
- True healing requires compassion—for our partner, our “inner child,” and ourselves.

Final Thoughts

This episode offers a rich, relatable exploration of how experiences of poverty shape adult relationships and internal narratives, and how courage, honesty, and therapeutic support can help rewrite those scripts. Whether you’ve faced similar struggles or are partnering across class lines, the episode stands as a powerful reminder: you are not alone, and there is a way forward—together.

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Transcript

A (0:00)

It was a secret for a really long time. I never told him that I was struggling financially and it wasn't until maybe two years in where I told him. Hey, I really need to talk to you about something. I'm super embarrassed about it, but I just want to be open and honest with you and I am in a lot of credit card debt. Hey, can I talk to you about something?

B (0:28)

I wish you knew. I wish you knew how lonely menopause felt.

C (0:33)

I wish you knew why it's so hard for men to share their feelings.

A (0:38)

I wish you knew what it was

B (0:39)

like growing up in a low income family.

A (0:41)

I wish you knew how hard it was not having a college degree.

B (0:44)

I wish you knew what it's like to be me. Welcome back to Mind if We Talk where you get to be the fly on the wall for many therapy sessions and learn some mental health tips in the process. I'm Cyrila Roy Green, a licensed mental health counselor with BetterHelp with over 19 years experience and your friendly guide for season two. This season is all about bringing people together who see the world a little differently and who want to understand one another better. In each episode, I'll be sitting down with two people who've agreed to have a real vulnerable conversation. No subject is off limits. We'll be diving into everything from grief to menopause to caregiving. And just like last season, after each mini therapy session, we'll spend the second half of our episodes sitting down with an expert to break down what we heard and how you might apply it to your own life. Today, to kick off our season, we're talking about what it's like to grow up low income and the lasting implications it can have. See, here's the thing. Money isn't just about numbers. It's the leading cause of stress for people everywhere and can contribute to anxiety and even depression. While a lot of us don't often talk very directly about social class, it shapes us more than we realize. Research shows that most people tend to partner with someone who grew up in a similar financial environment. When that happens, couples often share unspoken assumptions about spending, saving and what normal looks like. But when two people come from different class backgrounds, those assumptions don't always match. And that can create tension. So what happens when two people love each other but carry very different money stories? Today we're speaking with Viviana Vasquez, a financial educator and influencer. Also joining the conversation is her husband, Javi. The two met in college. They were both first generation students, but their childhood experiences with money were not the same Viviana grew up knowing money was tight. She was aware of her parents financial stress from a young age and as the eldest daughter, she felt a sense of responsibility to help. Javi's parents were also immigrants, but he describes his upbringing as more solidly middle class. When he and Viviana began dating, those differences were weren't immediately apparent. For nearly two years, Viviana kept her financial struggles to herself. Not because she didn't trust Javi, but because she was embarrassed. She was worried about being judged. When she finally told him, it opened up a much bigger conversation. Not just about credit card debt, but about childhood experiences, expectations, fear, and what partnership really means. Later in our episode, I'll sit down with licensed therapist Sarah Close from BetterHelp to explore how growing up low income can shape the nervous system, how financial shame shows up in relationships, and what can help couples move from secrecy and defensiveness toward collaboration and trust. Let's get to talking. Viana Habi, it's so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for joining us today. It's so exciting. So jumping in and really kind of getting into some of the more nitty gritty of why we're here, right is I want to hear from you, Viviana, what was the money story that you learned as a child?

B (33:04)

This is an ad by Better Help in this episode, we're talking about what it's like to grow up low income and how our early experiences with money can shape the way we see ourselves and show up in our relationships. Money conversations can feel incredibly vulnerable. They can bring up shame, fear, or comparison, and that's often why we avoid them. But when we're able to talk about them openly, it can relieve some of the pressure we've been carrying alone. Therapy can help you navigate conversations like these, especially when you're trying to communicate across differences without losing connection. BetterHelp makes it easy to get the help you deserve. Visit betterhelp.com mind if we talk for 10% off? That's betterhelp.com mindifwetalk my conversation with Viviana and Javi left me thinking about the complex, uncomfortable feelings that many of us have when it comes to money. It can be hard to talk about, but as Viviana told us, hiding your financial struggles from loved ones is a heavy burden to bear. Leaning on a partner is not always intuitive, especially when you're used to being the one that other people rely on. Even breaking the barrier of that first conversation can be nerve wracking. But for Javi and Viviana, open ongoing communication has made all the difference. They've been able to reframe their thinking from I've got this to We've got this. Of course, building this type of trust doesn't happen automatically, but. But therapy is a great tool to do this, whether it's helping people work through these tough conversations together or figure out how to bring it up to their partner on their own. Now, to help me unpack my conversation with Viviana and Javi and for more tips on how to approach sensitive money discussions, I sat down with Sarah Close. Sarah is a licensed therapist with BetterHelp. We delved into what's happening psychologically in moments when money activates painful fears or memories. We also answered a couple of listener questions on this topic. If you want to write in to our show, check out BetterHelp's Instagram stories for the latest prompt. You may hear your question in a future episode. Let's dive in.

D (49:35)

I guess I used to work with couples, I think talking about, like, inviting them to do a practice around writing out their money story can be really, really powerful. I know we've talked about money stories as if maybe it's just a concept that can, you know, people immediately know. But I think there's so much to it that having people go, you know, between sessions, talk to each other and maybe bring to session their identity that was shaped of money growing up, their sense of where. Where it shows up in their lives and how it continues to impact them. Often money is. The conversation is connected to fear and shame. Like, we've talked about a sense of belonging. And so asking our partner, instead of having accusatory responses around, like, oh, I noticed you're hiding things from me, maybe notice there's behaviors that are happening. And like I said earlier, behaviors are communication. And so really being able to try to step out of the accusation or judgment mode and check in with yourself and see if you can get down to the level of what are you Afraid of what? Were you afraid that I would find out? Can we talk about it from this level where it's slowing down? We're at the heart level now. We're not talking about what's on the surface. We're going to figure out the numbers. But right now I just need to check in with your nervous system because I notice this behavior is probably communicating that you're holding onto and acting out something from your childhood. And I say this with a lot of awareness that, you know, sometimes finances, we really are in dire situations and so it can be really hard to access this heart level communication if you're not able to get there because the activation level of the conversation is too dire. And we actually are in a situation where we need to just be focusing on how we're going to get out of this. You're in survival mode and you're not going to get, you're not going to get to this healing depth level right now. But it is possible for you, for sure.

D (53:36)

I think the bravery that a conversation like that can lead to and her ability to flip that script for herself and allow her to go from a sense of, I'm gonna do everything on my own to I'm going to trust. I'm gonna trust Paul and allow my partner to take over. And. And, I mean, it's so brave. And it's actually, I would imagine her experience could have been very empowered as well, you know, to shift out of that narrative. So those are really tricky conversations to navigate, I think, because money touches on all of the different levels of society and the different aspects of who we are. It's really one of those examples of a time where would probably take a lot of slowing things down and making sure that every step of the way feels safe, that there's room for conversation without judgment. Because I think at every level of the conversation, those stories and parts of our past would probably come out because it doesn't feel safe. We're entering very uncharted territory, right? We're entering. We're entering murky waters of uncertainty when we're having these big shifts. And so to be able to start talking from a place of. I'm going to start this conversation, but if my young part comes out or if I start to notice shame or I start to collapse in on myself or I become really angry, or I start, you know, pacing the floor. Like, there's all these different ways that our bodies and our. Our emotions can communicate that this is becoming too much to really practice grounding techniques, really practice trying to support each other into taking care of ourselves before we continue the conversation. I think those. Those tips. Maybe it sounds kind of elementary to be like, we have to take this really slow, but I think that type of conversation, the slowness is actually connected to our ability to regulate ourselves. And when we're in a relationship, our goal is to get to. I like to call it a regulation shift. I don't know if I trademarked that, but we're trying to get to a situation where we're actually Able to co regulate, which is that concept of, like, if I'm activated, my partner can help me kind of get back into my system, into my body. And so getting back into a more steady rhythm before we're able to actually make any decisions. With couples with systems, anytime that the activation level gets to a certain point, we're not able to actually communicate and continue that conversation. So, yeah, I think I just wanted to highlight that. That's incredible. A great example of people who are able to notice that maybe this is exactly opposite of what they've ever imagined for themselves culturally. They didn't see that as a priority. They didn't see, maybe in a gendered sense, like you mentioned, maybe she had put a lot of pressure on herself to be able to do it all her own, Be kind of like Wonder Woman and take care of things. And then to be able to ask for help, especially from a man, maybe in this situation can be completely triggering because it's the opposite of maybe the story that she had for herself. But you mentioned a good thing early on, which is the question is like, is this still serving? Is this still serving me? Does this whole experience of I don't want to be taken care of by a man, does that whole experience have to be true?