Introduction

Hello Wonderful Readers*,

A very contentious topic came up in a conversation with my female friends this week. I discussed with them how I’m single and looking for a partner in bed and in life. But how old is too old? And how young is too young?

When I decided to write about this topic, a cultural icon immediately came to mind: founder and innovator Cindy Gallop. She’s currently 64, and she has shared her sexual preferences and experiences with dating apps publicly:

“I date younger men for sex. I want lots of stamina and very short recovery periods. I don’t get those with men my own age...I was completely honest about everything, including my age…I got an avalanche of responses, which was very good for the ego. 75% of those responses were from younger men.”

Her perspective got me thinking. How common are big age differences in heterosexual relationships? Is Cindy Gallop a lone wolf (or a lone “cougar”) in today’s world? And are relationships with big age gaps less likely to work out?

I dug into the science to answer these questions. While I’ve found some fascinating things, I will say that to get a complete picture, I could have looked at more data from studies on dating apps and whether these findings hold for LGBTQIA couples because these statistics focused solely on heterosexual couples. The reach of my work here is limited, and there’s always room for improvement.

So, let’s dig in!

The State of Age Affairs

There’s a clear trend in heterosexual marriages in the United States: now, more than ever before, husbands and wives are likely to be the same age. According to Pew, the average age difference in the United States was 4.9 years in 1880, 2.4 years in 2000, and 2.2 years in 2022.

In the data below published in 2008, you can see that for marriages in England and Wales (a proxy for “Western” cultures), there is a bell-shaped distribution of the average age differences between couples. Most married couples in recent history have had a husband who is slightly older than the wife. But this is a difference of less than 5 years, and it has been declining since 1963. Indeed, 51% of opposite-sex marriages today have spouses who are two years apart in age or less, which is up from 46% in 2000 (Pew).

Are Relationships with Larger Age Gaps Less Successful?

To answer this question, I looked at large-scale studies on divorce rates by age difference. Of course, divorce rates are not the perfect measurement of relationship success. A couple can fight every day and stay married, which is probably worse than a couple that divorces civilly and stays friends. As Divorce Therapist Oona Metz has shared, “What the new research shows is that conflict is bad for kids.” Ideally, I could have looked at relationship conflict and age differences between couples, but as far as I’m aware, no such data exists.

It turns out that the age difference of a couple is NOT a major predictor of whether the relationship will end in divorce. The bottom line, according to this 2008 study from the National Office of Statistics, is that, at least for now,

“propensity to divorce is not strongly associated with marital age difference at an aggregate level, although further research would be required to control for mortality and any other factors that may affect the risk of divorce.”

Other studies have suggested that in order to interpret these findings fully, researchers would need to disaggregate the data based on whether one of the partners was married before and who initiated the divorce. It’s well known that about two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women, so these divorce statistics may well be skewed toward women’s preferences.

Unfortunately, as I dug into this data, I found a lot of crappy news outlets that totally blew findings from certain studies out of proportion and came to conclusions that were misleading or just plain wrong. One poorly researched article on a website called MarketWatch concludes, “The bigger the age gap, the shorter the marriage.” This is not true. The second source they cited has since redacted an inaccurate chart where they tried to show the increased likelihood of the marriage ending based on the age difference. I smell b******t! Still, I had to get out my magnifying glass and relearn how to read coefficients from my Statistics classes at Wharton just to determine that this was indeed a shitstorm of statistical insignificance.

As far as we know today, an age difference does not significantly impact the success of a relationship. However, there are a couple more interesting insights below the surface.

Extra Interesting Tidbits: Things To Consider

Male Preferences For Younger Females and Vice Versa

A study conducted by Professor David Buss at UT Austin investigated sex differences in mate preferences in 37 cultures with 10,047 participants. Its findings might partially explain why men are slightly older on average in married couples than women. Their key result was:

“Females were found to value cues to resource acquisition in potential mates more highly than males. Characteristics signaling reproductive capacity were valued more by males than by females.”

Basically, females take more than just physical appearance into account when selecting a mate, as they might want a partner who signals resource acquisition for their potential offspring. Additionally, males might prioritize physical appearance and have a preference for younger females because of “a biological adaptation resulting from the greater potential fertility of younger women” (Office for National Statistics), especially if they want to produce offspring and have a family.

However, this is a generalization and certainly not a rule. There is also a variety of other social trends happening. For example, women’s increased access to education throughout the world has coincided with an increase in the age of marriage. Plus, while women might have preferred older men for their access to financial stability and resources, the gender pay gap is decreasing with more of us females entering and staying in the workforce, so this is becoming less socially relevant. Indeed, among unmarried adults, single women without children now have, on average, as much wealth as single men (Pew).

Until Death Do Us Part: Widowhood & Living Alone

The only reason to be concerned about a large age gap with your partner is whoever is much older is obviously more likely to die sooner, leaving the other person widowed and most likely living alone.

According to Pew, as the share of husbands who are older than their wives has fallen, widowhood for women ages 65 and older has fallen to 30% today, down from 45% in 2000. Given this spousal age gap and the fact that women tend to live longer than men globally, about 20% of women over 60 live in a solo household, compared to about 10% of men (Pew).

Is Everyone Coming to Cougartown?

There’s been a lot of talk about “cougars” in the news, or “age-hypogamy,” where the female is older than the male in a heterosexual relationship. A study released in 2003 by the UK's Office for National Statistics concluded that the proportion of women in England and Wales marrying younger men rose from 15% to 26% between 1963 and 1998. Still, these forms of relationships are rare, even though they are slightly on the rise. By a di...