Modern Love — "Andrew Garfield Wants to Crack Open Your Heart (Encore)"

Overview

In this encore episode of Modern Love hosted by Anna Martin, actor Andrew Garfield delves deep into love, loss, and longing. The conversation centers around his film We Live In Time (co-starring Florence Pugh), explores the powerful Modern Love essay “Learning to Measure Time in Love and Loss” by Chris Huntington, and becomes unexpectedly vulnerable as Garfield is moved to tears during the reading. The episode ranges from playful banter to profound reflection, offering intimate insights into grief, the fleetingness of life, and the courage it takes to savor love—even in its impermanence.

Main Topics & Key Discussion Points

1. Why Andrew Garfield Chose We Live in Time

• Midlife Reflection & Artistic Resonance
  • Garfield describes accepting the role not as a career move, but as a response to a midlife "reckoning" (06:00–06:30).

    "It was a life move... I was on a kind of unofficial sabbatical because I was tired and entering midlife... I didn't have a good answer. And then I read this very, very beautiful script." (04:08)

• The Film’s Realism & Emotional Impact
  • The movie’s grounding in small, everyday moments makes it feel authentic and “epic” in intimacy.

    "You see Tobias and Allmet washing dishes...or they're eating a biscuit in the tub together...through all these intimate, small, everyday moments, you can just tell that these characters love each other deeply." (06:31)

2. The Beauty and Pain of Transience

• Letting Go Versus Holding On
  • Garfield is deeply moved discussing the film’s theme of finding beauty in fleeting moments, especially when facing loss.

    "But the problem is, you can't hold on to anything. It's all letting go. This life is all a letting go... Sorry, it’s, like, emotional." (09:16)

• Gratitude Rituals & Savoring Ordinary Joy
  • He references the Jesuit spiritual practice of the Examen as a way to review and savor life daily.

    "At the end of the day, every night, just to lay down, close your eyes, go back over the day...where you felt alive, where you felt close to yourself, where you felt connected to the mystery..." (09:45)

3. On Brokenness and the Expansion of the Heart

• Cracking Open and Longing
  • Garfield sees heartbreak and sorrow as essential to feeling joy and meaning.

    "There’s no joy without sorrow, there’s no sorrow without joy...the only gateway to true vitality is through a broken heart." (12:16) "The only way our hearts can expand is by cracking open and cracking open further and further...the finite nature of us being here is the only thing that makes it meaningful." (12:56)

• Onism — The Sorrow of Limited Experience
  • Introduces “onism”—the painful awareness that we can only live one life and will miss countless experiences.

    "It’s the sense of knowing and the sorrow of knowing you will only be able to live your own life...it’s a kind of an imprisonment in the life you have." (13:37)

4. Reading “Learning to Measure Time in Love and Loss” by Chris Huntington

• Garfield Becomes Overwhelmed and Pauses
  • During the essay, Garfield has to stop mid-reading, visibly emotional.

    [Voice breaking] "Sorry. Sorry. Fucking hell. I’m sorry." (23:49)

  • The essay’s themes of loss, longing, and acceptance bring up personal memories—particularly about Garfield’s own mother and the transience of life.

5. Reflections on Grief, Vulnerability, and Legacy

• Processing Loss and the “Prison” of Life/Body
  • Garfield discusses how the body and the circumstances of our lives are both a “prison” and a calling to become our best selves within those limits.

    "This body. Onism. The gravity...I like the idea that at the end of our lives...them asking, hey, were you Andrew?" (34:55–35:33)

• Are We Alone in the Prison?
  • Shares his wish for spiritual connection—believing in unity and “one-ness,” especially after losing his mother.

    "I think the loneliness we feel here and the longing that we feel here is a kind of unconscious remembrance...we’re all actually one thing...she’s back with her tribe...she can be in a thousand places at once now." (39:05–40:32)

6. Tying It Back to the Film and Personal Longings

• How the Film Informed His Grief
  • Discusses how We Live in Time parallels his real-life grief and honors the totality of loss and joy.

    “What the film does beautifully is it honors grief. It honors the experience of grief...we don't get to be in charge of what we lose, how we lose it, and when.” (41:28)

• Naming Longings and Vulnerability
  • Garfield shares his own desires for love, connection, courage, and boundaries.

    "I long for love...to connect with life, to connect...I want to make things that are beautiful...I want great friendships. I want great time with my family..." (45:17)

7. Playful Closure & Emotional Safety

• “Best Part, Worst Part” Ritual
  • Andrew and Anna play the “best part, worst part” game from the essay; Garfield’s “best part” is this honest, vulnerable conversation.

    "My best part was absolutely, generally this conversation, but also particularly in a moment of cracked open vulnerability...to feel safe...felt like quite a privilege." (50:18)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Purpose of Art:

  “This is what my art is so important because it can get us to places that we can’t get to any other way.” — Andrew Garfield (24:12)

• On Life’s Limits:

  “This body. Onism. The gravity. The time of my birth to the time of my death...how do we surrender to our fate so that we can live into our destiny?” — Andrew Garfield (34:55, 36:21)

• On Savoring Life:

  “My God, it’s all so transient, and it’s all leaving constantly. And the people that I’m inspired by most...seemed to be giving himself away like seed, just planting himself like seed as he exited this earth.” — Andrew Garfield on Mike Nichols (09:44–11:51)

• On Vulnerability:

  “I feel this man’s writing, and it feels like, for all of us, it feels like he’s tapping into something so universal...a longing to be here.” — Andrew Garfield, explaining why the essay moved him to tears (24:51)

• On Emotional Conditioning:

  “The impulse...that is not mine, that is inherited, that is conditioned from our culture to not feel, to calcify the heart, to not reveal the heart, to not trust another person with our hearts is what gets us into trouble.” (26:56)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:01] — Introduction to Garfield’s film and their connection to Modern Love themes
• [04:00–06:30] — Garfield on why he chose We Live in Time during his “reckoning”
• [09:16–12:16] — The impossibility of holding on; the necessity of letting go; the rarity of true savoring
• [12:56–13:36] — The only way the heart can expand; introduction of “onism”
• [14:41] — Why Garfield chose the Modern Love essay to read
• [16:00–23:49] — Reading “Learning to Measure Time in Love and Loss” (Garfield pauses, overcome by emotion)
• [24:12–26:56] — Garfield unpacks the emotional resonance and the taboo against male vulnerability
• [34:55–36:21] — The “prison” metaphor and spiritual legacy
• [39:05–41:02] — On togetherness, unity, and his mother's passing
• [41:28–43:20] — How playing Tobias connected to his personal grief
• [45:17–46:54] — Garfield names his own longings and challenges with boundaries
• [47:57–50:54] — Best part/worst part ritual; both hosts express gratitude for the rawness of the conversation

Memorable Exchanges

• On Meeting the Movie’s Emotional Challenge:

  Anna Martin: “I cried so much.”
  Andrew Garfield: “Oh, good. I cried a lot in a good, nice, cathartic.” (03:40)

• On Everyday Moments in the Film:

  Anna: “…you can just tell that these characters love each other deeply. It feels like you’re watching a real life couple live their life…”
  Andrew: “I think what’s amazing about the film…is it’s all of us…If they feel representative of these liminal spaces between the larger, more explosive, dramatic moments…” (06:31–07:13)

• When Garfield Breaks Down Reading the Essay:

  Andrew Garfield: “…Sorry. Sorry. Fucking hell. I’m sorry.”
  Anna Martin: “No, it’s—it’s beautiful. Do you want to take a break?” (23:49)

• On the Nature of Grief and Longing:

  Andrew Garfield: “I'm sad at losing anyone…I'm sad at losing anything…I’m sad at the transience of certain relationships in my life. I’m sad at losing my mother, of course. I’m sad at the idea of losing my father, of not being there when my nephews are my age or older. Like, I’m sad at the concept of not having children of my own…I’m sad at…But the sadness is longing. It’s true longing. And there’s no shame in it.” (25:23)

• On Being the “Best Prisoner”:

  Anna Martin: “What is the prison?”
  Andrew Garfield: “This body. Onism. This body. The gravity. The time of my birth to the time of my death…” (34:55)

Tone & Atmosphere

The conversation sways between playfulness (joking about being run over as a meet-cute; discussing cockroaches) and raw, life-affirming seriousness. Andrew Garfield is candid, philosophical, and genuinely vulnerable, regularly pausing to reflect and even becoming emotional—a rarity for the show, as the host acknowledges.

For Listeners

This episode is a meditation on why the pain of loving and losing is inseparable from the beauty of our short, limited lives. Garfield’s willingness to be “cracked open” brings Modern Love’s mission to life in a way both intellectually rich and emotionally unforgettable.

Recommended Segments to Listen To:

• Letting Go & the Jesuit Prayer (09:16–12:16)
• Garfield Reads the Essay & Is Moved to Tears (16:00–26:49)
• Discussion of Legacy, Fate, and Finding Meaning (34:55–41:02)
• The “Best Part, Worst Part” Ritual (47:57–50:54)

Episode Takeaway: Love is finite, messy, and fundamentally about learning to savor small moments while letting go. Grief is not the opposite of love, but its echo—a testament to how deeply we have experienced life.

“The only gateway to true vitality is...through a broken heart.” — Andrew Garfield (12:35)