Bridget Everett Says a Best Friend Can Be Your Greatest Love

Summary

Summary of Modern Love Podcast Episode: "Bridget Everett Says a Best Friend Can Be Your Greatest Love"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Modern Love
• Host/Author: The New York Times
• Host: Anna Martin
• Guest: Bridget Everett
• Episode Release Date: November 6, 2024
• Episode Title: Bridget Everett Says a Best Friend Can Be Your Greatest Love

---

Introduction to the Show "Somebody Somewhere"

Anna Martin welcomes Bridget Everett to the podcast, highlighting her role in the HBO series Somebody Somewhere. The show, now in its third and final season, stars Bridget as Sam, a woman in her 40s who rediscovers her passion for singing through her deepening friendship with Joel, played by Jeff Hiller.

Notable Quote:

Bridget Everett: “I think of it as... Some tender moments, some, you know, and maybe a fart.”
(03:20)

Exploring the Genre and Themes

Anna and Bridget discuss the unique mix of genres that Somebody Somewhere embodies. Bridget describes the show as a blend of dramedy and slice-of-life, infused with genuine moments of humor and heart.

Notable Quote:

Bridget Everett: “I think of it as... a slice of life.”
(03:20)

The Central Friendship: Sam and Joel

The conversation delves into the profound friendship between Sam and Joel. Bridget emphasizes how their bond transcends typical friendships, showcasing unwavering support and deep emotional connection.

Notable Quote:

Bridget Everett: “He's so charismatic and charming, and he's got a smile... There's a really wonderful, warm chemistry between the two of them.”
(08:35)

A Defining Episode Moment

Anna recounts a pivotal scene where Brad, Joel’s boyfriend, struggles to express his feelings in front of friends. Sam steps in to help him sing a love song, illustrating the depth of her support and the essence of their friendship.

Notable Quote:

Bridget Everett (singing): “I wake in the morning and I see your face... I can't explain it But I know it's love.”
(12:34)

Reading and Discussing a Modern Love Essay

Bridget reads a moving essay by Victor Lodato titled "When Your Greatest Romance is a Friendship." The essay narrates the deep, platonic relationship between Victor and Austin, two individuals of different ages who find profound love in their friendship.

Notable Quote:

Bridget Everett: “Such a beautiful, beautiful essay.”
(25:20)

Parallels to Real-Life Friendships

Anna and Bridget explore the challenges of maintaining close friendships amidst life's evolving dynamics, such as friends entering romantic relationships. Bridget shares her personal experiences with feeling secondary and the importance of mutual affirmation in friendships.

Notable Quotes:

Bridget Everett: “You have to let it in.”
(34:32)
Bridget Everett: “It's okay to have a friendship that slips into the core of your life.”
(36:51)

The Concept of Friendship as Romance

Anna prompts Bridget to discuss the notion of describing deep friendships with romantic terminology. Bridget embraces the idea, advocating for a broader understanding of love that includes platonic bonds.

Notable Quote:

Bridget Everett: “I love the idea of using romance to describe a friendship.”
(38:03)

Conclusion

Anna wraps up the conversation by reaffirming the significance of platonic love and the pivotal role friendships play in our lives. Bridget expresses hope inspired by the show's portrayal of enduring friendships, emphasizing the importance of staying open to deep, meaningful connections.

Notable Quote:

Bridget Everett: “It just hits me right in my heart. I don't know.”
(27:50)

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Key Takeaways:

• Deep Platonic Love: Friendships can be as fulfilling and profound as romantic relationships.
• Personal Growth: Supportive friendships play a crucial role in overcoming self-doubt and personal challenges.
• Authentic Representation: Somebody Somewhere is praised for its genuine portrayal of friendships, blending humor with emotional depth.
• Balancing Relationships: Navigating friendships alongside romantic relationships requires communication and mutual affirmation.
• Redefining Romance: Expanding the definition of romance to include deep platonic bonds enriches our understanding of love.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Bridget Everett: “I think of it as... a slice of life.” (03:20)
• Bridget Everett: “He's so charismatic and charming, and he's got a smile... There's a really wonderful, warm chemistry between the two of them.” (08:35)
• Bridget Everett (singing): “I wake in the morning and I see your face... I can't explain it But I know it's love.” (12:34)
• Bridget Everett: “Such a beautiful, beautiful essay.” (25:20)
• Bridget Everett: “You have to let it in.” (34:32)
• Bridget Everett: “I love the idea of using romance to describe a friendship.” (38:03)

Final Thoughts:

This episode of Modern Love with Bridget Everett offers a heartfelt exploration of how deep friendships can rival romantic relationships in significance and emotional fulfillment. Through discussions about Somebody Somewhere, a poignant essay, and personal anecdotes, Bridget and Anna highlight the transformative power of platonic love and the importance of nurturing meaningful connections in our lives.

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Transcript

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[Bridget Everett]

Love now and did you fall in love last fella I love but stronger than anything you love love can I love you more than anything there's to love love.

[Anna Martin]

From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin. This is Modern Love. Every week we bring you stories and conversations inspired by the Modern Love column. We talk about lovers, families, friends, and all the messiness of human relationships. Today I talked to the actor, singer and comedian Bridget Everett on the Peabody Award winning HBO series, Somebody Somewhere. Now in its third and final season, Bridget stars as a 40something woman named Sam. Sam has always loved to sing, but over time she's lost her self confidence and she's given up on music entirely. It's only after Sam becomes best friends with a sweet, supportive man named Joel that she starts to build herself back up. He even pushes her to sing again.

[Bridget Everett]

One of my favorite singers in the entire world is here with us tonight. Sampire, come on up here. No. In this proud land, we grew up strong. We were wanted all along.

[Anna Martin]

The two of them become so close they even call each other from the toilet after eating a questionable hors d'oeuvre called St. Louis sushi.

[Bridget Everett]

If you ever tell anybody what just happened to my asshole, I won't come over.

[Anna Martin]

Oh no.

[Bridget Everett]

Oh no. Joel. This is a new level of intimacy.

[Anna Martin]

To watch Somebody Somewhere is to fall in love with these two friends and to hope that nothing gets in the way of what they share together. So I wanted to talk to Bridget about how central a best friendship can be if we're willing to make the space for it in our lives. And Bridget reads an essay about two friends with a bond so close, maybe we need a new word to define it. Bridget Everett, welcome to Modern Love.

[Bridget Everett]

Hi.

[Anna Martin]

I'm so happy you're in the studio with us. So the show you star on, Somebody Somewhere, is currently on its third and final season. I love this show, but I'm really struggling with something. I hope you'll help me out. I find it tough to categorize the show in terms of genre. I'm like, I want to call it A romantic comedy, but it's also sort of like an ensemble slice of life at times. It's a musical. How would you describe the show?

[Bridget Everett]

Well, I have a terrible time describing it too. So maybe that's why we have such an intimate audience. I don't know. I think of it as, you know, people say dramedy, but kind of just a slice of life. Some tender moments, some, you know, and maybe a fart.

[Anna Martin]

I was gonna say some tender moments. And then like a big diarrhea scene in season two.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah, because that's real life.

[Anna Martin]

Of course it's real life.

[Bridget Everett]

Well, maybe not for you, but for, you know, people. I know.

[Anna Martin]

St. Louis sushi. Is that a real thing?

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah, my friend Larry Krohn, it's one of his signature dishes. At parties, you know, he always passes around his little canopy or whatever, but it's basically ham wrapped around cream cheese wrapped around a pickle. And you know what? It's always a hit.

[Anna Martin]

No, it sounds so good is the thing.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah, but, you know, on the show we had to kind of, you know, make it fun.

[Anna Martin]

You had to make it fun. And by that you mean you had to fill it with a lot of farts. Okay. Your character on somebody somewhere is a woman named Sam who is somewhat inspired by your own life. Like you, Sam grew up in Manhattan, Kansas, where the show takes place. Sam loves singing, but she has a lot of fear and self doubt around it. Whereas you, Bridget, have a cabaret song where you proudly describe all the shapes and sizes boobs come in. I love that song. You just seem fearless on stage. Have you ever had any of Sam's self doubt in your own life?

[Bridget Everett]

Sure. I mean, a lot of what I have in common with Sam is obviously the love of singing. And Sam really comes alive when she sings. And I feel the same way. I feel like I connect. I kind of plug into life when I'm singing. There's a way that I can connect to my emotions when I'm doing that that I can't sometimes do otherwise. Right. And I also struggle with self worth like she does. So over the course of these three seasons, as she has acknowledged kind of to herself what she's working through, I mean, she doesn't say, oh, I'm Sam and I have self doubt. You know, we sort of see her trying to push through some of that. And I've learned a lot from her. Like sometimes we write the scenes and I'm like, man, I wish I could be like Sam.

[Anna Martin]

Have you ever applied? I mean, I know it's like, loosely autobiographical. But of course, the show is a work of fiction. But you're saying that you've learned things from Sam. Have you ever found yourself, quite literally, applying, like, a lesson that she's learned in the show to your own life? Like, do you ever do something in your life and think, wow, I learned this from Sam, my character in Somebody somewhere.

[Bridget Everett]

Absolutely. There's something that Sam says in season two. She's like, nnp, no new people.

[Anna Martin]

Yes.

[Bridget Everett]

And that's kind of like me. I have a lot of friends. My life is full enough, and I just. I'm socially anxious, you know, like many people are. So I just, like, I'd just rather not. But Sam, especially in season three, is allowing more people into her life and into her heart. And I think that I have honestly been trying to work on that myself.

[Anna Martin]

Interesting. Okay, so what you're saying is in season two, Sam kind of adopts this. Yeah, life ethos. I don't know, mantra. No new people, meaning no new friends. But then in season three, we see her sort of open back up again. And you're saying that you're trying to do the same thing in your life right now.

[Bridget Everett]

Because I think for me and for Sam, it's like, you know, if you're somebody that does struggle with self worth, every time you meet somebody, you're like, they're gonna see the cracks.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, totally.

[Bridget Everett]

Or that they'll just see what I don't like about myself, you know? And I think Sam feels that way. So she's like, I've got this person that makes me feel good. This person makes me feel safe. And that was why it was so devastating in season one, why her sister died, because her sister loved her, warts and all, you know, And Joel, he loves her warts and all. And, you know, I think it's just something that not everybody walks into a room and thinks people are gonna like them.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bridget Everett]

Maybe most people don't. I really don't know.

[Anna Martin]

I don't think most people do. I certainly don't. But you're so right. In season three, this current season of Somebody somewhere, we see that sort of protective shield start to crack in the best way.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. And she's terrified, but she does it anyway. Which is the theme of the season is growth against all odds. And I think that that is. Oh, I love that.

[Anna Martin]

Is that something you said in the writer's room? Growth against all odds?

[Bridget Everett]

It is. And I do have the necklace now, and I'm not wearing it right now. Wait, stop.

[Anna Martin]

You should have worn. Wait, is the necklace that says Growth Against All Odds.

[Bridget Everett]

That's a lot to put on.

[Anna Martin]

Necklace?

[Bridget Everett]

No, it's gaao. I have on one necklace. I also have a golden toilet, which is obviously from season two. And then from season one, I have a one. Cause I'm number one on the call sheet. And I was like, this may never happen again. So I'm buying myself a necklace.

[Anna Martin]

I am so sad that you didn't wear all three.

[Bridget Everett]

I know I normally do, but I just. I don't know. I don't know why I didn't do it today. I was, you know, I got my day started kind of early.

[Anna Martin]

You got a lot of things going on. I. I also want to say I love it. There's a lot of acronyms. I'm realizing. No new people. Nnp.

[Bridget Everett]

There's agg, there's all Glory to God, which is something that kind of goes by pretty quick. But I talk that way. That's kind of my.

[Anna Martin]

You're an acronym gal.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. DDHG is my theme. You know, I got that from LL Cool J. Dreams don't have deadlines.

[Anna Martin]

This is such a fun thing to figure out about you.

[Bridget Everett]

Murray Hill and I text each other every day. Rfb. Ready for Bed.

[Anna Martin]

Murray Hill also stars on the show as Fred. I love Ready for Bed. Rfb.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

You've talked a bit about the relationship between Sam and her best friend Joel, played by Jeff Hiller. For people who have not had the pleasure of seeing somebody somewhere, how would you explain who Sam and Joel are to each other? It's a friendship, but there's so much more there.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. I think, you know, Sam has lost her sister, and it was everything to her. And then Joel kind of sneaks in, and he's so undeniable. He's so charismatic and charming, and he's got a smile.

[Anna Martin]

Just lights. Lights everyone up.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. And he's got a great giggle. And. And he's kind. And she's kind of like a little, like, you know, got a little more of an edge. But most importantly, there's a really wonderful, warm chemistry between the two of them.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Bridget Everett]

And even when she kind of gets reactive or reactionary, he still loves her. He's not going to dump her. What she thinks that he's going to do so. And she's so. You know, she's such a raw nerve. And, I don't know, just the way that Joel takes care of her is very moving to me. And what I love about the relationship is, you know, sometimes you don't Expect that you're gonna meet such a central relationship to your life in your 40s. And I think that's incredible. It goes against the NNP. No new people. But I just love it. And I also love that it's a real primary thing for Sam. Like, her friends are her people. And it's not like she's looking for a romantic love. She's looking for her person. And that's kind of what she is finding. Angel.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, her person. I mean, I think it's a really. I don't know if I. I'll say, like, kind of radical. Reframe the idea that your person can be a friend.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah, absolutely. And it doesn't mean that you can't have, you know, romantic relationships and you can't, you know, have a couple rolls in the hay and a little, you know, a little smoochy smooch in the alley after a couple drinks at a bar. But I think that, for me, it was really important that this show be about the friendship and not about, like, girl meets boy boy in the way that you meet a guy and all of a sudden he thinks you're beautiful. You fall in love in that way. This is a different kind of love. Which is why I love the essay that we're gonna be talking about later, but. Yeah, yeah.

[Anna Martin]

And we're gonna go to the essay reading in just a bit. But before we do, I wanna talk about a moment on the show that I think is the epitome of this kind of love between friends that you're talking about. Early in this new season, Sam helps Joel's boyfriend, whose name is Brad, write a love song as a secret surprise for Joel. And first of all, that's already a nice enough gesture from Sam, but it means even more because we've seen her really struggle with the fact that Joel is now in a couple and isn't around for her as much. Can you tell us what happens when they're all at the party and Brad gets up to sing this love song for Joel?

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. The character of Brad, played by the wonderful and underutilized Tim Bagley.

[Anna Martin]

That's Joel's boyfriend.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah, that plays. Joel's boyfriend gets up to sing this song. And he loves Joel, but he hasn't really been able to or had the need to say that publicly. And he's doing it in front of Joel's friends and his church friends. And as soon as he starts to try to speak, he's so overwhelmed. And it reminds me of. It's a very Midwestern thing and probably Other places, too. But when my brother did the toast at his daughter's wedding, he was like, okay, I just want to. And he like it just like. You know, that thing, like. And he couldn't talk, and it was just like. You know, when you get that huge.

[Anna Martin]

The emotion is hot in the throat. Oh, yeah.

[Bridget Everett]

That's exactly the thing when it's too much. And what I love about it is, like, that Sam is right there with him. And she's like, I'm gonna help you get through this. Because she knows what it's gonna mean to Joel.

[Anna Martin]

And she jumps in and she starts singing for him.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. She knows how special Joel is. And so anytime that she can communicate that, share that, especially through music, she's gonna do it.

[Anna Martin]

Bridget, would you mind. If you want. It would be amazing to hear, like, a line. But I don't know if you're prepared to sing today.

[Bridget Everett]

Do you like the beginning of the song?

[Anna Martin]

I would love to.

[Bridget Everett]

Okay, sure. I wake in the morning and I see your face I'm the luckiest guy in the entire human race A cup of coffee or a trip to the store I'll take forever and then I'll take some more but, oh, the way you look at me I can't explain it But I know it's love oh, love, love That's. First one.

[Anna Martin]

Oh, my God. Don't do this to me right now. I don't know why it is so. God. And you wrote these lyrics. It is so simple, and it's perfect. Of course, this is a love song, ostensibly for, you know, one man to another man. You know, between two men who love each other. But also, I don't know, like, I really.

[Bridget Everett]

It's also Sam's love for Joel and.

[Anna Martin]

The way that she's looking at him. Absolutely.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah, absolutely. I 100% agree.

[Anna Martin]

Thank you so much for singing that. I really feel grateful to be in the room when you do that. I'm serious. Okay. That is. That's a tough act to follow. You are also here to do us another favor, which is to read a modern love essay. Do you wanna say anything about this essay before you get into it? Why you chose it?

[Bridget Everett]

Well, I chose it because, you know the title when your greatest romance is a Friendship. Yeah, because it's something that I can relate to. And I read it. I thought it was such a sweet and moving examination of two people not romantically linked. I don't know. I just thought it was really special.

[Anna Martin]

We'll be back in just a minute with Bridget Everett. Reading today's Modern Love essay Stay with us.

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[Anna Martin]

Okay, Bridget, you are about to read a Modern Love essay for us by the novelist Victor Lodato. Whenever you're ready.

[Bridget Everett]

One of your greatest romances of friendship Is this your grandson? People sometimes ask Austin when she's out with me. No honey, he's my friend. At this point, folks usually smile tightly and turn away, perhaps worried there is more than friendship going on between the old lady and the younger man seated at the bar, giggling like teenagers. Why we're giggling, I couldn't tell you. Often our mirth seems fueled by some deep celled delight at being together. When I met Austin, I was in my early 40s and not looking for a friend, I'd come alone to this small Oregon town to finish a book. So when a bony blue eyed stranger knocked at my door, introducing herself as the lady from across the way and wondering if I might like to come over and see her garden, maybe have a gin and tonic, I politely declined. Watching her walk away, though, in her velvet slip ons and wrinkled blouse, I felt a strange pang, a slow pin of sadness that I suppose could be best described as loneliness. Suddenly I was dashing into the dirt road to say that I was sorry that she had caught me in the middle of work, but that yes, I would enjoy seeing her garden. Not the gin and tonic, she said. I'll share that too, I answered, blushing, and before I could suggest a visit the next week, she said, so I'll see you in a few hours then. Shall we say 4:30? I had to admire her sense of time. Next week is for someone who can afford to put things off. Austin, in her 80s, surely felt no such luxury. I liked your face, she admitted later, telling me she had spotted me at the mailbox. As she poured the gin, I told her that I had seen her at the mailbox as well, and I liked her face, too. I wish I had better eyebrows, she said. They used to be fabulous. Her garden was astounding, like something dreamed rather than planted, a Mad Hatter Gothic in which a lawless grace prevailed. At dusk the deer arrived, nibbling the crab apple blossoms. We had been talking for hours, slightly tipsy, and then we were in the kitchen cooking dinner. A retired psychologist, Austin had traveled extensively, spoke terrible Spanish and, worse, French, and was a painter. Now she had two husbands, the second of whom died in this house in a small bed in the living room. That's what I'll do, austin told me. This room gets the best light. We turned to the windows, but the light was already gone. That we could be quiet together so soon and without strain felt auspicious. So you've run away from home, she said at one point. There was something about our interaction that reminded me of friendships from my childhood, in which no question was off limits on religion. She claimed to be an atheist. I admitted to being haunted by the ghosts of a Roman Catholic upbringing. She said her sisters believed in hell and worried about her soul. Austin, though, seemed afraid of nothing, least of all death. I said I was still afraid of the dark. Living alone, she said, it can make you funny. I laughed but changed the subject, telling her I would like to see her paintings later, crossing the road back to my Craigslist sublet, I wondered what I was doing. I reminded myself of my plan. Hiding out, staying in the dream of the book. I wasn't here to socialize. I could finish a draft in a few months and head back home. Besides, if I wanted a friend during my retreat, I would find someone my age to throw back beers with gin and tonics with an old lady in her garden. And that was not the plan. But there I was the next weekend, having dinner with her. And then it was every weekend. Austin's older friends seemed confused. Is he helping you with a computer? One asked when I first started talking about Austin to my out of town friends. They assumed I'd found a new boyfriend. Austin's a woman, I would say. Besides, she's in her 80s. She's just a pal. Even as they replied, that's cool, I could almost hear them thinking, must be Slim Pickens out in Oregon. What was perplexing, I suppose, was not that two people of such different ages had become friends, but that we had essentially become best friends. Others regarded our devotion as either strange or quaint, like one of those unlikely animal friendships. A monkey and a pigeon perhaps. Admittedly, when I would spot us in a mirror, I saw how peculiar we were. This vivacious white haired imp in her bright colors and chunky style jewelry sitting with a dark haired man in his drab earth toned sweaters and Clark Kent glasses. Maybe I looked like some nerdy gigolo or this woman's attentive secretary. If we made no sense from the outside, it didn't matter. We were mostly looking at each other. One night Austin chatted about her life as a middle aged wife in academia. I completely missed out on the wildness of the 60s, she said. I told her I'd missed out too. You weren't born yet, she said. Or hardly. Often we cooked together as we had that first night, after which she would show me whatever painting she was working on. At her request, I also started reading to her from my book in progress. We gave each other feedback. Our work improved. When my six month lease was up, I renewed it. The novel wasn't finished, plus I couldn't imagine a better neighbor. Before I knew it, three years had passed. I was writing seven days a week and spending most evenings with Austin. Sometimes she had spells of vertigo now, and when we walked together she held my arm. Often she couldn't find the right word for something. Once she wanted to keep away visitors so she could paint. She hung aside on her studio door. Do not destroy. Soon the headaches came and more jumbled language. I need to screw my calls, she said, meaning she needed to screen them. We laughed, then sobered. Tests were scheduled. Now she is eight months into what the doctors say is a quick ravaging illness deep in her brain. They say there is no stopping it. A year more if she's lucky. Even as I refuse to believe this, I prepare for it. How? By keeping my promise to her. A few months before her diagnosis, Austin had attended a wedding. She showed me a copy of the vows which had been distributed at the ceremony. A detailed list. I read it carefully at Austin's bidding. We were sitting in a car waiting for our favorite Thai restaurant to open. I never had anything like that with the men in my life, she said, pointing to the vows. We loved each other, but we didn't have that. She was crying now, something she rarely did. I took her hand and said, well, you have it with me. Everything but the sex, at which point the monkey kissed the pigeon. That night I had an odd some of the Greatest romances of my life have been friendships. And these friendships have been in many ways more mysterious than erotic love. More subtle, less selfish, more attuned to kindness. Of course, Austin was going to die long before I did. That's not what this is about. This, I have come to understand, is a love story. Austin continued to paint for several months. More fractured, psychedelic self portraits in scorching colors, her best work lately, though she is tired and hardly leaves a couch. I sit with her at the opposite end, our legs intertwined. Read to me, she says. When I tell her the book is finished. She tells me to read her something new, but whenever I do, she promptly falls asleep. I don't leave, though. I stare out the window. Austin was right. This room does get the best light recently. Her hair is thinned, but she has a shock of white up front that a friend's daughter has died. With a streak of fuchsia. She looks like some punk girl I might have dated in high school. She had a bit more energy the last time I came to visit and said, oh, Victor, I had the most wonderful dessert today. Peaches in Connecticut. Have you ever had it? No, I said, smiling. I love the idea of it. Two things that don't seem to go together. Monkeys and pigeons. Peaches in Connecticut. Unlikely, yes, but delicious beyond measure.

[Anna Martin]

Mm.

[Bridget Everett]

Such a beautiful, beautiful essay. Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

Tell me your thoughts. How did that feel to read?

[Bridget Everett]

Well, I. You know, I think that for me, as I mentioned before, you know, when you read about great loves, it always seems to be about a romantic relationship. And I just. I just love that these are two people that have found each other, and they just. And they're the one for each other. I don't know. I think what's so great about this relationship is they just sort of slip into kind of a life together. And. I don't know. I just. I want that.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Bridget Everett]

I'm surrounded by people in romantic relationships, and it's not what I'm looking for. At least not right now. And so when I see somebody that finds. First of all, it gives me hope that you can always find somebody. They may not look like what you think you're going to. What you're gonna want or what you're gonna need. It reminds me to stay open. You know the part where they talk about sitting on the couch and their legs intertwined? It's like to have that kind of intimacy with somebody without the expectation of a romance is. It's just. It just hits me right in my heart. I don't know. I'm moved. And I have this new neighbor and she's. She's great. And I can tell that she really misses the person that lived there before me. And not that she's Austin or anything like that, but I just think about the possibility of keeping yourself open and not running away from it. Because look at the great reward. Look at the great reward between Victor and Austin. And it is a thing, too. It's like when all your friends are in relationships, you sort of. And you're like, nobody's emergency contact, you know, it can feel a little lonely. But there are other people out there that might be the same and looking for this totally, totally, totally. You know, there might be a lid for my pot. I'm like, I hate that expression. But you know, maybe my lid comes in the version of a lady with some comfortable slip on shoes that's checking me out at my mailbox.

[Anna Martin]

Your new neighbor. I was gonna say that. The fact that you are keeping yourself open to this friendship with your neighbor lad.

[Bridget Everett]

No, I'm trying.

[Anna Martin]

You're trying. But that's breaking the end. The no new people rule. You're breaking the no new people rule, which is beautiful and amazing and brave and human and all of those things.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. And I just love that, you know, that she's like, okay, 4:30, you know, like she's, she's bringing him in and what's she saying? You know, you don't have the luxury, you know, like, later is for people who have time. Who have time. And honestly, like, the amount of loss I've experienced over the last few years, it's. We don't always have time.

[Anna Martin]

So, yeah, you know what?

[Bridget Everett]

So have the gin and tonic.

[Anna Martin]

Have the gin and tonic while you can. Absolutely. We'll be right back. This podcast is supported by the following at Morgan Stanley, old school hard work meets bold new thinking. To help you see untapped possibilities and relentlessly work with you to make them real. To learn more, visit morganstanley.com why US investing involves risk Morgan Stanley Smith Barney, LLC.

[Bridget Everett]

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[Anna Martin]

You know, you're speaking about this neighbor. And I want to ask, like, reading this essay, obviously, the friendship between Victor and Austin feels very similar to the. Or not similar. But it reminds me that resonances of the friendship between Sam, your character, and somebody somewhere, and Joel, her best friend. And I wonder, too, like, is there anyone in your real life where you read this essay and you're thinking about.

[Bridget Everett]

You know, this friend, um, specifically. No. I mean, there's somebody, when it comes to Joel, that reminds me. Um, you know, I did have what I thought was this person. And then, you know, they. And they're still, you know, we're still very close. You know, still one of my best friends, but, you know. But I miss that, you know. Cause then, you know, he's in a relationship now, and it just changes. And Sam says that to Joel, like, it's never gonna. It's not gonna be the same. And it doesn't mean that you can't. That, you know, we still have a very valuable relationship. But. But I just think this was that.

[Anna Martin]

Huh? And it changed.

[Bridget Everett]

And it changed.

[Anna Martin]

You know, it's so interesting that you said.

[Bridget Everett]

And that's okay.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, I was gonna say, how did you. Yeah, of course it's okay.

[Bridget Everett]

And it was awful when it did.

[Anna Martin]

But it's so interesting what you're saying, because as much as you're willing to share, I feel like that's something I can relate to. I think many listeners can relate to it. And you said it's really freaking hard.

[Bridget Everett]

It is.

[Anna Martin]

How did you get through that? Like, what did you tell yourself?

[Bridget Everett]

I mean, it took me a long time. I was really reactive, you know, reactionary and immature and, like. But he. And, you know, and at first, they kind of disappeared together. And that's also okay. Like, I understand both sides of it, like, why you want to get lost in a romantic relationship. And, you know, you think your friends are always going to be there, But I've kind of always been that person for people. I've always kind of been like, she'll be there. And after a while, you start to kind of. It affects you. And, like, it's like, you don't want to feel like the second or third string. You know, it's just like, you can't help but feel that way. But I also don't think that just because somebody's in a romantic relationship that that means that you can't be a focal, you know, a. I'm trying to think of the right Word. Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

A focal point in that. A focal point. She's not the only one anymore.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. And so you have to kind of acclimate and adjust. And sometimes you need your friend to let you know that they have this new, wonderful, romantic relationship, and. Great. And I am happy for my friend, and Sam is happy for Joel. But sometimes you need to know that you matter.

[Anna Martin]

It's accepting that you might not always be as primary to someone as they are to you.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. And the truth is, a lot of my friendships are like, you know, if I ask them to do something, they're like, well, let me check with so and so first. And I understand that you have a life together, of course. But it does make. If everybody's around you is kind of like that, then you start to feel like, well, I'm just like, you know, I'm here when it's convenient for other people.

[Anna Martin]

Totally.

[Bridget Everett]

And it hurts.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Bridget Everett]

So seeing something like this is like. It just is. It's a dream, and it gives me a lot of hope.

[Anna Martin]

I love what you said that, you know, I asked you, what can you do as the friend who feels like the backup or whatever? And what you said is, it's really good for them to let you know you matter. It's to be reminded.

[Bridget Everett]

It feels like it's always up to the person that's, like, unattached. That's unattached. To kind of adapt and sort of. And you do, and you should, obviously.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Bridget Everett]

But I don't know. I'm probably being selfish, but I. I.

[Anna Martin]

Do not think you're being selfish at all. I mean, there's no. I refresh it. Yeah. Put it on. Be like I said it. No, but I think that's so. It's kind of a perfect distillation. I mean, a simple one, but I think a true one of what friendship can be. It's just looking someone in the eyes and saying, you matter. You matter to me. You will always matter to me. Yeah. That feels to me like that is what friendship is.

[Bridget Everett]

You've just.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Bridget Everett]

And I think there, you know, something like that happens in this season with Sam and Joel, and, like. And she needs it.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah. Can you describe a moment where you really felt sure that you mattered to a friend? Like, was there something someone did or said where you felt that?

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah, I think my friends know that I. You know, they tell me they love me. I know they do. I know that. I know that they do. But it's also up to me to hear it, you know? And that's.

[Anna Martin]

What do you mean by that?

[Bridget Everett]

Well, I mean, I have to be able to take it in. And it's, you know, it's. It's challenging sometimes.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Bridget Everett]

I was just with Mary Katherine, who plays Trisha, my sister on the show, and we roommates and, you know, and. And she said something to me. She's like, you know, I love you. Right. And I was like, you know, I'd had a couple margaritis, and I was like, don't try to unpack my. Me right now. But she's, you know, she's a great friend, and she's always done a lot. My friend Zach has really invested a lot of time into making me hear it, so. And I think that's kind of the most important part, that you have to. You have to let it in. Yeah. It's not easy.

[Anna Martin]

You know what I'm thinking, too, with, you know, people have expectations when we get older and we enter into romantic relationships that, like, friendship will become less important. Right. It's just, like, lower down on the hierarchy. It's less important than, you know, your spouse or your kids or your job or whatever.

[Bridget Everett]

A whole host of things.

[Anna Martin]

Right. How can we cultivate close friendships in our adulthood when there's so much else competing for our time or for our friend's time?

[Bridget Everett]

I don't know. I don't know. I. Yeah, I guess that the. You know, my dream is to be. To have a central. You know, be central in a friend's life again. And I don't know. I just. I love all my friends. I don't want to, you know, I don't want them to listen.

[Anna Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Bridget Everett]

I don't want them to listen to this and think anything, you know, less than that. But when my friends are making me a priority, it matters. Yeah. Because it is like all those things you say. Like, there's just. Life sweeps people up, and sometimes the friendships, you know, they become a backseat. And it's not that way for Sam and Joel. And that's what I love. I feel like it's fantasy.

[Anna Martin]

And it's so true that it's so clear, rather that it's not that way for you. And I think. I mean, not to get, you know, a bit cheesy with it, but I think there are a lot of people who feel that way about friendships. And I do think that somebody somewhere helps those people feel very seen, as you say, those stories are. We have so many romantic comedies where it's, you know, girl meets guy or girl meets girl, guy meets guy, whatever. But it's romantic love. And the connective thing about your show is that that love story is a friendship.

[Bridget Everett]

Yeah. And learning to and that it is central. But it's also just then how you can both go about your lives with keeping each other at the, at the forefront, you know, at the core. Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

My final question you near the end of this essay, Victor tells Austin that their relationship has everything but sex. And he realizes that, quote, the greatest romances of my life have been friendships. What do you think about the idea of using romance to describe a friendship? That word, does it work? Do we need better words? Citizens?

[Bridget Everett]

I love it. I love it. I say that all the time. I'm like, you know, with Sam and Joel, like they, they fall in love with each other and it is a romance. It is like you can get swept off your feet by a friend and you don't have just because there may not be the sex involved. You are in love with them in some degree.

[Anna Martin]

Bridget Everett, thank you so much. This was such a lovely and affirming conversation. I really appreciate it.

[Bridget Everett]

Thank you. I appreciate you having me in.

[Anna Martin]

Don't miss Bridget Everett in season three of Somebody Somewhere now streaming on Max. And you can find a link to Victor Lodato's essay When youn Greatest Romance Is a Friendship in our show. NOTES Modern Love is produced by Reva Goldberg, Davis Land, Emily Lang and Amy Pearl. It's edited by Lynn Levy and our executive producer, Jeanne Poyant. Production management by Christina Djose. The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell. Original music in this episode by Rowan Nemestow, Dan Powell, Aman Sahota and Diane Wong. This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez with studio support from Maddie Masiello and Nick Pittman. Special thanks to Mahima Chablani, Nell Galogli and Jeffrey Miranda. And to our video team, Brooke Minters, Sawyer Roquet and Eddie Costas. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. If you want to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got the instructions in our show notes. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.