Modern Love Podcast: Carrie Coon on What Being Worthy of Love Really Means

Hosted by Anna Martin | Release Date: February 26, 2025

Introduction

Modern Love, a New York Times podcast hosted by Anna Martin, delves into the intricate landscapes of human relationships. In the February 26, 2025 episode, titled “Carrie Coon on What Being Worthy of Love Really Means”, actress Carrie Coon joins Martin to explore themes of self-worth, familial roles, and the transformative power of love. Drawing from Coon’s experiences both on-screen and in her personal life, the conversation offers profound insights into how our upbringing and family dynamics shape our understanding of love and our capacity to both give and receive it.

Exploring Family Dynamics in "His Three Daughters"

The episode begins with Anna Martin discussing Carrie Coon’s role in the film His Three Daughters, where Coon portrays Katie, a sister grappling with her father's impending death while managing strained relationships with her siblings.

Carrie Coon (01:34): "The trick is, I guess the thing I'm saying is that I hope we can make this easy on him, just not make a thing out of anything."

Coon highlights Katie’s attempts to maintain composure and handle family disagreements maturely to spare their dying father from additional stress. However, Katie's rigid perceptions of her siblings prevent genuine understanding, mirroring real-life familial conflicts where preconceived notions hinder authentic connections.

Carrie Coon (02:19): "Here's the thing. I get it that you don't want to go into his room... everyone deals with death their own way and I'm not going to tell you what to do."

This dynamic underscores how entrenched family roles and unresolved misunderstandings can create emotional barriers, making it challenging to foster true empathy and support among family members.

Personal Reflections on Familial Roles and Self-Worth

Transitioning from her character to her personal life, Coon shares her own experiences growing up with five siblings, where differing perspectives led to varied interpretations of family events.

Carrie Coon (03:52): "Yes, because they still see each other as they saw each other, you know, 20 years before."

She reflects on how these enduring perceptions can impede personal growth and mutual understanding within families, emphasizing the complexity of sibling relationships and the difficulty in breaking free from long-held familial narratives.

Coon delves deeper into her childhood, recounting her father’s secretive behavior and the absence of traditional family activities like game nights, which contributed to her feelings of isolation and unworthiness.

Carrie Coon (06:03): "I try not to presume who they are or what they're going to be or what they're thinking. So I put so much energy into it. I do not do that at all for my siblings."

This self-awareness highlights her conscious effort to avoid projecting preconceived notions onto her children, a lesson she struggled to apply with her siblings, illustrating the enduring impact of early family dynamics on adult relationships.

The Transformative Influence of Grandparents

Central to the discussion is Coon's relationship with her maternal grandparents, who provided a haven of unconditional love and stability amidst a household marked by her mother's postpartum depression and her father's demanding work schedule.

Carrie Coon (23:52): "My maternal grandparents... they were just wholly available to us our entire lives."

Their home became a sanctuary where Coon could simply be a child without the burden of familial responsibilities or emotional suppression. This environment allowed her to experience a different kind of love—effusive and intuitive—which contrasted sharply with her parents' more reserved and utilitarian expressions of affection.

She recounts how her grandmother intuitively understood and met her needs without explicit communication, fostering a sense of security and worthiness that her immediate family dynamics lacked.

Carrie Coon (26:54): "She would go to Dillard's and buy me 10 little black dresses... she knew my mom wasn't gonna take me shopping."

These interactions not only provided comfort but also modeled a healthy, nurturing form of love that Coon desperately needed but seldom experienced at home.

Personal Transformation and Redefining Love

Coon shares a poignant reflection on her personal journey towards understanding love and self-worth, particularly through motherhood. She describes a moment of profound connection with her daughter that challenged her long-held beliefs about her capacity to love.

Carrie Coon (09:41): "I so didn't believe that my needs were worthy of being met."

This internal struggle, rooted in years of feeling unworthy and emotionally disconnected, began to shift as she embraced motherhood. The birth of her daughter became a catalyst for redefining love—not as something destructive or unmanageable, but as a deep, intrinsic connection that transcends previous misconceptions.

Through this transformation, Coon realizes that her previous inability to love was not a deficiency but a manifestation of emotional compartmentalization shaped by her upbringing.

Carrie Coon (35:38): "The pity is not the same as love is a really important lesson for women."

This realization underscores the difference between utilitarian relationships and genuine emotional connections, highlighting the importance of boundaries and self-awareness in fostering healthy, loving relationships.

Conclusion: The Evolution of Love and Self-Worth

In the latter part of the episode, Coon discusses how her relationship with her husband facilitated further growth in her understanding of love and self-worth. Meeting someone who saw beyond her behavioral patterns allowed her to embrace her authentic self without the need for self-preservation tactics developed during her childhood.

Carrie Coon (32:12): "I was worthy of it. That somebody saw all of me, flaws and all, including the way I was conducting myself in the world and saw that that actually wasn't me."

This acceptance from her partner enabled Coon to dismantle the barriers she had erected, allowing her to experience love in a more integrated and fulfilling manner. She credits her grandparents for planting the seeds of self-worth and unconditional love that eventually blossomed in her adult relationships.

Carrie Coon (35:38): "I think about my grandmother... and what I want them the ability to articulate their needs and know that sometimes their needs are gonna inconvenience other people."

In closing, Coon emphasizes that love is both an inherent and learned experience. It requires ongoing self-discovery and the willingness to redefine oneself beyond the roles and stories imposed by family and society.

Carrie Coon (36:07): "I think it's a combination only because so often we're just so unknown to ourselves... holding space for other people, which my husband did for me."

Final Thoughts

Carrie Coon's candid exploration of her journey towards understanding love and self-worth offers listeners a relatable and enlightening perspective on the complexities of human relationships. By intertwining her personal anecdotes with her artistic endeavors, Coon illustrates how confronting and redefining internalized narratives can lead to profound emotional growth and healthier connections with others.

Notable Quotes:

• Carrie Coon (09:41): "I so didn't believe that my needs were worthy of being met."
• Carrie Coon (26:54): "She would go to Dillard's and buy me 10 little black dresses... she knew my mom wasn't gonna take me shopping."
• Carrie Coon (35:38): "The pity is not the same as love is a really important lesson for women."

Produced by Reeva Goldberg and Davis Land.