He’s Gay. She’s Straight. They’re Newlyweds.

Summary

Modern Love Podcast Summary: "He’s Gay. She’s Straight. They’re Newlyweds."

Podcast Information:

• Title: Modern Love
• Host/Author: The New York Times
• Episode Title: He’s Gay. She’s Straight. They’re Newlyweds.
• Release Date: February 5, 2025
• Host: Anna Martin

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of Modern Love, host Anna Martin delves into the unconventional yet deeply romantic relationship between Jacob Hoff and Samantha Greenstone. Drawing inspiration from the New York Times’ vows section, Anna explores the complexities, challenges, and profound love that defines their union as newlyweds where Jacob identifies as gay and Samantha as straight.

Meeting and Early Connection

Jacob and Samantha met during a callback for the musical Fiddler on the Roof. Their initial encounter was marked by Jacob’s admiration for Samantha’s boldness during an audition.

Quote:

Jacob Hoff [04:19]: "This person literally didn't give a fuck. And I was enamored."

Anna Martin [00:50]: "Now, typically, these conversations come from the Modern Love column, but today we were inspired by the vows section of the paper."

The immediate connection they felt was described as unique and almost inexplicable, laying the foundation for their deep bond.

Developing Romantic Feelings

As their friendship blossomed over seven years, both Jacob and Samantha began to recognize deeper feelings beyond mere friendship. Samantha experienced a sacred connection with Jacob, while Jacob grappled with his established identity as a gay man.

Quotes:

Samantha Greenstone [02:18]: "When you are with the right person, this thing is tethering you guys so firmly together that it is an unbreakable bond."

Jacob Hoff [08:09]: "I never considered saying something or taking it anywhere further because I didn't want to disrupt what was going on."

Challenges in the Relationship

Navigating a relationship where one partner is gay and the other is straight introduced significant emotional turmoil. Jacob struggled with societal expectations and his personal identity, while Samantha dealt with uncertainty about the sustainability of their relationship.

Quotes:

Jacob Hoff [12:45]: "I think I just knew that that was going to be a part of it. And that's where I felt I was inadequate or that where this thing was gonna fail."

Samantha Greenstone [22:52]: "I just felt... am I holding Jacob back from living his full, happiest potential in life if he's gay?"

Coming Out

A pivotal moment in their relationship occurred when Jacob decided to come out to his conservative family. The support he received from his father was unexpectedly positive, easing some of the burdens he had carried.

Quotes:

Jacob Hoff [27:10]: "I just told him. And I said, you know, dad, I'm gay. I feel I am a gay person, and Samantha is my girlfriend."

Samantha Greenstone [30:24]: "The second he got off the phone with his dad, he calls me and he's like, I just told my dad I'm gay."

Navigating Identity and the Relationship

Despite their profound love, Jacob and Samantha faced ongoing challenges in aligning their individual identities with their shared life. Jacob remained committed to his identity as a gay man, while Samantha embraced her role as his soulmate, transcending traditional labels.

Quotes:

Jacob Hoff [32:44]: "The label gay is so important to me because for my mental health... it's the label that fits. I'm solely attracted to men."

Samantha Greenstone [34:22]: "If anything, I feel it actually makes me feel more attractive. The way Jacob's eyes look at me is so beautiful."

Impact on Family and Community

Their relationship, while unique, also highlighted the privileges and challenges of being perceived as a straight couple. This dynamic offered them certain societal benefits but also drew criticism from within the queer community.

Quotes:

Jacob Hoff [36:21]: "We are a straight white couple that can just go around the world looking and presenting that way without people having to see the intricacies of what's going on."

Samantha Greenstone [38:09]: "It's just a true love story of two people who fell in love with one another for all of the right reasons."

Conclusions and Insights

Jacob and Samantha’s story is a testament to the complexities of love that defy conventional norms. Their journey underscores the importance of honesty, vulnerability, and the courage to embrace one’s true self within a relationship. Despite societal challenges, their bond exemplifies a profound and authentic love that transcends labels and expectations.

Final Quotes:

Jacob Hoff [38:09]: "Being open and honest about your feelings is always, always the right answer. And that will guide you to peace and tranquility and stable relationships."

Samantha Greenstone [38:09]: "Love just can be that simple."

Closing Remarks

Anna Martin wraps up the episode by expressing gratitude to Jacob and Samantha for sharing their heartfelt love story, highlighting the episode’s exploration of love’s diverse and intricate forms.

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Notable Production Credits:

• Produced by: Emily Language
• Edited by: Jen Poyant
• Production Management: Christina Josa
• Theme Music: Dan Powell
• Original Music: Rowan Nimisto
• Mixed by: Daniel Ramirez
• Studio Support: Maddie Masiello and Nick Pittman

For more stories and to submit your own, visit nytimes.com/podcasts.

Transcript

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[Anna Martin]

Love now.

[Jacob Hoff]

And did you fall in love last fella?

[Samantha Greenstone]

Love. But stronger than anything, can I love you more than anything, there's still love. Love.

[Anna Martin]

From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin. This is Modern Love. Every week we bring you stories about love, lust, heartbreak, and all the messiness of relationships. Now, typically, these conversations come from the Modern Love column, but today we were inspired by the vows section of the paper. And we're talking to a pair of newlyweds, Jacob Hoff and Samantha Greenstone. Right away, the details of their wedding stuck out to me. Like, for example, the song Jacob chose to walk down the aisle to I.

[Jacob Hoff]

Wanted to come down to the Phantom of the Opera. There's this moment, this woman just screams and it's like, dun dun dun dun dun d. And I was like, that's what needs to happen as I appear in a mask.

[Anna Martin]

And then Samantha also wanted to put her own spin on the wedding.

[Samantha Greenstone]

I love Titanic. There was a point where I wanted to have a sinking Titanic on top of our wedding cake, but my mother and the wedding planner said, no, you want to have an event where thousands of people died on your wedding day. And I was like, I mean, it's also like the most beautiful love story.

[Anna Martin]

Clearly, their tastes are aligned, but they're actually an unlikely pair because Jacob is gay and Samantha is straight. A lot of people don't understand their relationship, but they describe their connection as romantic and special. They call it a soul tie.

[Samantha Greenstone]

When you are with the right person, this thing is tethering you guys so firmly together that it is an unbreakable bond. And I think if people just did look for the partners, that made them feel secure in that way. I don't know. I think that it's like the secret to love.

[Anna Martin]

Samantha and Jacob have been together for over seven years now, but I wanted to know what does their relationship mean for their individual identities and what did it take for them to come together in a marriage Stay with us.

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[Anna Martin]

Okay, Jacob and Samantha, I gotta know how the two of you met.

[Jacob Hoff]

We met at a callback for the musical Fiddler on the Roof. And so we both were sticking around for a part and they bring the part in for Frumicera. Who is this ghost in a nightmare sequence? And it's just, like, dead silent. And then I just hear this through the door and I'm like, whoa, who was that? And what person could be that ballsy? This person literally didn't give a fuck. And I was enamored.

[Samantha Greenstone]

It was me.

[Jacob Hoff]

And I, like, immediately knew that was her. I just had.

[Anna Martin]

How did you know? How did you know?

[Jacob Hoff]

I don't know. I just had this, like, laser vision.

[Samantha Greenstone]

I looked like a cackler.

[Jacob Hoff]

Yeah. And I just ran up and I was like, if they don't give you that part, they're crazy. And it was kind of like a diva meeting a fan at that moment. Like, she was like, you know, thank you.

[Samantha Greenstone]

I needed just this, like, high five to let me know that, like, I feel good about this. So it was amazing to have this, like, reiteration that, okay, like, you did a good job.

[Anna Martin]

Samantha, did your connection with Jacob feel like anything other than friendship?

[Samantha Greenstone]

It definitely felt sacred and it felt like Something that I had never experienced with anyone before. But it was also confusing because I knew that Jacob was gay. So I was like, okay. Like, I'm feeling, like, this, like, connection of that da na na na na na na na. Like, that's the best way I can describe it. I can't even put it into words. I can only put it into that sound. And. But it was confusing because I'm like, well, he's gay, so can it be that? But it felt like that, yeah.

[Anna Martin]

Jacob, how would you have described your sexuality at the time?

[Jacob Hoff]

That was interesting. Internally, I knew I was gay. And I shared that with select people who I felt comfortable with. There was still. I had not shared that with my family yet. And there was some avoidance and some fear of coming out. And there were certain people that I didn't feel comfortable sharing it with. So I kind of just kept quiet about things most of the time or. But to somebody like Samantha, who was my close friend, I would confide that in. And so it was. Yeah, there was a lot of sort of inner turmoil with that having not fully come out to everyone yet and living the truth yet. She comes in and, like, adds to the confusion. Cause I'm just like, now, wait a minute. Now I'm like. Like this person. It's weird. Like, this connection is unique. And maybe it does go beyond just friendship.

[Anna Martin]

How were you sort of processing this friendship at the time?

[Jacob Hoff]

You know, the first indication that something was different? I remember. I think it was like the second or third time we hung out and we went to a restaurant together. And I remember, like, the excitement of getting ready and then going and, like, picking her up. And I was like, God, this feels like a date. Like, this feels the way somebody would be, like, giddy about going on a date with somebody. And there was, like, this weird nervousness in me, and it was throwing me for a loop. But I never. I never considered saying something or taking it anywhere further because I didn't want to disrupt what was going on.

[Anna Martin]

Were you. Were you attracted to Samantha?

[Jacob Hoff]

I was attracted to Samantha. But as I talk about the way. And I continue to talk about the way our attraction works, it's such a soul connection, and it's such an attraction to who she is and the person that she is and her entity. And it's not in that. It's not in that sort of almost lustful sense. It's not in that the body parts or the way I'm attracted to men feels very different than the way I am attracted to Samantha and that her hers is a much. It's a very deep well. And the way I'm attracted to men feels very shallow and surface.

[Anna Martin]

Samantha, when you and Jacob were going on this maybe date, maybe not a date, did you feel that same, like, nervous, fizzy giddiness?

[Samantha Greenstone]

Yeah, I do. I did. And I mean, like, he paid for my food, and it did kind of feel like it had this, like, special thing about it, but, like, it felt like I was, like, kind of being courted, but also I'm like, okay. And being courted by this friend.

[Jacob Hoff]

This homo.

[Samantha Greenstone]

This homo.

[Anna Martin]

I mean, I wanna ask, like, for you, Samantha, like, you're starting to feel what you would consider, like, romantic feelings towards Jacob at this time. Is that true to say?

[Samantha Greenstone]

Yeah, I think I was feeling these feelings, but I was also very guarded and really taking it slow with this. And then, of course, you add the gay element to it, and I'm like, okay, this can't be that. But, like, this is something. And I guess I'm just going. I knew that it was so special that I didn't want to mess anything up, and I was okay with having to be patient and seeing how it played out.

[Anna Martin]

I don't know. Did these feelings that were building for Jacob start to feel like you. You couldn't ignore them? Like, you kind of had to act on them.

[Samantha Greenstone]

About 18 months into our friendship, I decided to text Jacob to ask if he had more feelings than just a friendship for me.

[Anna Martin]

How did you decide to do that approach? What was your. What was your method of sort of opening up this conversation that I would say both of you had been pretty terrified to begin, you know, this. To look this thing in the face. What did you do, Samantha?

[Samantha Greenstone]

I literally just sent him a text message, which is probably, like, in theory, the worst way to do it. I was at a place where I was just like, I need to cleanse the uncertainty from my life, whatever that means. Even if he doesn't feel more feelings for me than a friend, you know, at least it's out there and I have an answer and I don't have to live with this anymore. I was just like, it needs to be purged from my being. But we knew each other so well that I was like, okay, this. He's gonna just understand what I'm trying to say here. So I texted him and I was like, do you ever feel more than just a friend for me?

[Anna Martin]

Jacob, I wanna switch to you right now. What were you doing when you got Samantha's text and how did you react?

[Jacob Hoff]

I remember looking at It. And two very distinct feelings happened. One was, of course I feel this way. And I can't believe she's taking the initia to say it and being bold enough to say it after we've both been beating around the bush for 18 months. And the other was immense fear that this was going to ruin our friendship because I wasn't going to be capable of having a relationship with her. And then I sent her a text back saying, what do you mean? Which was the stupidest thing. And I was like, oh, that was like, me just stalling. And then, like, two minutes later, I'm like, what did I just say? Like, that's so dumb. And so then I said, of course I feel more for you than a friend, and I'm willing to try and see where this goes.

[Anna Martin]

I mean, what was your biggest holdup? I'd imagine there was maybe some fear around whether you could perform physically or sexually.

[Jacob Hoff]

I think I just knew that that was going to be a part of it. And that's where I felt I was inadequate or that where this thing was gonna fail. Cause I knew every other aspect of it would work. I mean, we can hang out for umpteen hours and do everything else, but that was the one kink in the hose.

[Anna Martin]

That first meeting, after these text exchange, like, tell me, did you explicitly acknowledge it? What were the conversations that you had when you met up in person for the first time after all of this?

[Jacob Hoff]

It was like. It was like an elephant in the room that, like, okay, now we're gonna try it this way. But we never said another word.

[Samantha Greenstone]

Yeah, it was like we just went on existing the way we would have before I had approached him.

[Jacob Hoff]

We were. She was living with a friend at the time, and they. They. We were up chatting till late with the friend and hanging out. And then she had her own room there. And so we just went. And I just. We had platonically slept in the same bed many times. So we were just like, okay, we're, like, gonna go to bed, retire like the old folk. Yeah. And it just. It just happened that way. Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

Even when, like, the door was closed and you guys were, like, in the same bedroom together, and you didn't say, like, you didn't talk about the sort of changed nature of the relationship?

[Jacob Hoff]

No, I think we were just laying there watching, like, a Marx Brothers movie.

[Samantha Greenstone]

I think so.

[Jacob Hoff]

And I think I just, like, leaned over and kissed you.

[Samantha Greenstone]

Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Jacob Hoff]

Yeah. And I think it just went from there. Yeah, it got raunchy from there.

[Anna Martin]

I mean, how did it. How did that feel that first kiss?

[Samantha Greenstone]

The first thing was like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe this is actually happening. But then it felt like, so what were we waiting for? Why did we wait 18 months to come to this very easy, amazing place where, I mean, it didn't feel awkward. It didn't feel, like, uncomfortable. It just felt like we'd always kind of fit together.

[Jacob Hoff]

Yeah.

[Samantha Greenstone]

Which I had never felt before.

[Jacob Hoff]

That fear. I mean, all of that just slipped away in that moment, and it was just, like, normal. And it felt like there's no pressure here if something doesn't happen. Like, it was just. Cause it was us and our relationship.

[Anna Martin]

Was there relief? There'd been so much confusion about your relationship. Was there relief after this night?

[Jacob Hoff]

Oh, yeah, totally. Just the fact that it could successfully work was major relief. Now down the road in our relationship, things started to get more. After that honeymoon period. There became doubts and uncertainties and fears that crept back in. Cause I think just the longevity of it and the sort of, okay, we're moving to this phase where we live together and, like, we're really creating a life together, imposed a new set of, like, is this something maintainable? Is this something that can really last a lifetime? And for. I think Samantha has said that she was worried she was taking me away from, you know, being with a man. And I was very resolved with Samantha. But there was always that fear that I would. Wouldn't be able to just successfully go through the boxes of, like, getting married and having a child and all those things that come with a straight relationship. Like, my world was shook.

[Anna Martin]

After the break, Jacob tries to navigate the challenges of wanting to come out of the closet while in a relationship with a straight woman. That's coming up.

[Jonathan Swan]

I'm Jonathan Swan. I'm a White House reporter for the New York Times. I have a pretty unsentimental view of what we do. Our job as reporters is to dig out information that powerful people don't want published, to take you into rooms that you would not otherwise have access to, to understand how some of the big decisions shaping our country are being made. And then painstakingly to go back and check with sources, check with public documents, make sure the information is correct. This is not something you can outsource to AI. There's no robot that can go and talk to someone who was in the situation room and find out what was really said in order to get actually original information that's not public, that requires human sources, and we actually need journalists to do that. So as you may have Gathered from this long riff, I'm asking you to consider subscribing to the New York Times. Independent journalism is important, and without you, we simply can't do it.

[Anna Martin]

So, Jacob, after that night that you and Samantha slept together, did it change the way you were thinking about your sexuality? Were you like, I'm queer. I'm bi. Like, did this night change your self assessment?

[Jacob Hoff]

No, I didn't really reassess myself. I. I basically just was like, this is my situation in life. I'm in this relationship with her, and she's my friend, and that I still knew my identity to be my identity. And I think that's where the confusions set in for both of us.

[Anna Martin]

Hmm. Talk more about that.

[Jacob Hoff]

Well, I think, like I said, there was a. There was a honeymoon period, and then there was a period where we faced a lot of doubts and were like, how is this working? How am I. How are we maintaining this? How are you fulfilled by me if I'm a woman? From Samantha's angle, I think. And it was daunting because I didn't have the words for that. I didn't have the a. I didn't have the verbal tools or skills because my whole life was like. I say, I'm like. My default is like a brooding Marlon Brando or James Dean. Like, I just am like, no. And she wants to talk about everything and get it out there. And I didn't have the words for that yet.

[Anna Martin]

Was that the first time you'd had sex with a woman?

[Jacob Hoff]

Yes. I had had, you know, little interactions with women that were unsuccessful through high school. And just trying. When I was trying to figure out my sexuality. And eventually in college, I got to a point where I realized, this is never gonna change. You think, this isn't really me. I'm not really gay. I can change this. This is just some sort of, like, not a phase, but something that I have that if I concentrate hard enough, I will change this. And eventually there gets to be a point where you grow up enough and you go, this just is who I am. And I don't. I'm not attracted to women. And that's fine. And I'm going to just accept that. But I also was worried about my family accepting it. I was mostly worried about my dad's side of the family accepting it because they. It was a very, like, conservative Christian upbringing, and they had said things. I mean, I went to a church where the pastor held up a petition to get everybody in the congregation to sign against gay marriage when they were trying to Legalize.

[Anna Martin]

What about your father specifically? How was he treating you?

[Jacob Hoff]

You know, growing up? He had speculated. And I mean, he would drive me to school and I'd be sitting next to him in the car with my portable DVD player watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And he's like, looking at this and making fun of it and being like, what is this?

[Samantha Greenstone]

What is this gay shit?

[Jacob Hoff]

Yeah. Literally, it's like the gayest thing ever. And then and I'm like, dad, this is like my favorite thing in the world. And there was. There were like these moments in childhood where, like, I distinctly remember, like, seizing up and him, like, confronting me about it. And so there were these really, like, definitive moments in my life where I'm like, I'm not going to be accepted or be normal or be, you know, the hotshot guy if I'm a gay. And I wanted to be the hotshot guy and have success. And, you know, that was troubling.

[Anna Martin]

I mean, Jacob, that's really painful to feel like there's this truth that you cannot deny. And you're surrounded by family, by a church, by a community that's telling you that that is the wrong way to be. And that must have been a really difficult acceptance to reach.

[Jacob Hoff]

It was a really hard pill to swallow because I think at that point I went into even a darker idea which is just like, this isn't going to change. But I'm. Unless I'm so comfortable with the person, I'm just not going to share anything about myself that way. So that was hard to just kind of live this closeted life to so many.

[Anna Martin]

Samantha, I want to know from you, did the fact that Jacob was closeted to his family make you doubt your relationship with him in any way?

[Samantha Greenstone]

I just felt. I mean, the doubts that I personally had were maybe, am I holding Jacob back from living his full, happiest potential in life if he's gay? Because I don't want him to, like, eventually one day just feel like he's like, trapped in this relationship. And he wasn't a communicator. So I would try and talk to him about these things. And I don't think it was because Jacob did not feel safe communicating these things with me. I think Jacob just didn't know that there is. Is a healthy way to talk about hard things with people. And there are safe spaces and safe people that you can go there with and that it's not going to end up in this disastrous place. Like, that's kind of the point of having a partner in your life.

[Anna Martin]

Can you give me an example maybe of a conversation that you tried to have during this time and how it went down? Do you remember a specific moment?

[Jacob Hoff]

I mean, there were over a hundred of them. I mean, this was a weekly occurrence of maybe Samantha saying something to me like, well, why does your family doesn't know about this dynamic? And what do they think? Do they. You know, it just kind of looks. Feels like we're living this lie without them knowing you're gay. And they feel like, just like a normal relationship, which it is, but that sort of. That dynamic isn't fully being truthful to that side. And so she kind of probably felt like a beard at that point. For my family, where it's like, I can go home on Christmas and everybody can see me having a normal hetero life, or even me just explaining the fact that I have no attraction to women was a major thing. Because it was just like, you know, she'd ask me, she'd ask me like, did I. Would I find this girl pretty or something? Either someone we know or someone in public. And I'm like, no. Like, I. I can say, hey, that girl, you know, takes care of herself or is. Is fabulous or does this or that, but there's no. Nothing a woman's gonna do that's ever gonna make me attracted to them.

[Samantha Greenstone]

And that was my way of trying to just understand. Cause Jacob wasn't like fully talking about his feelings, and he hadn't found his groove of communication yet. So my tactic was like, okay, let me see if I can do it through real world examples.

[Jacob Hoff]

And that then for me, translated into unfortunately a lot of anger. I would. I would be. It was like explosive. Like, you know, she would ask me something and I'd just be like, I'm gay. Why don't you get I'm gay, you know? Or like, why don't you. How can. How don't you understand this? And I would take it out in crazy ways. I had road rage. I would get in arguments with people at stores or anything, because there was just so much bottled up crap from this. From a lifetime of. Of navigating this. And, well, I can tell her, but I can't tell them. And they, you know, maybe this will change. And now it's not gonna change. And now they can't see I'm gay.

[Samantha Greenstone]

And I think I was worried. I wanted Jacob to feel like his relationship with his family was not based upon this, like, character and this idea that he was showing them. Cause I did. I was worried at one point he would Then start to feel like, well, my dad accepts this idea of who he thinks I am.

[Anna Martin]

Your family, Jacob, saw you dating a woman, and they did not know the full truth behind your sexuality. And this led to a lot of confusion and a lot of anger, as you say, on your part. Can you tell me about how you finally told the truth to your family and what that experience was like?

[Jacob Hoff]

Yeah. Well, throughout the years, Samantha always said, I think you're gonna get rid of a lot of this anger if you tell them. And I was like, oh, tell them you're gay? Yeah. And I was just like, no, no, no. Like, that has nothing to do with it. Like, I don't care what they think or what they know or not know. And that's between me and you and not them. And we go to Florida. Samantha stays in Florida to be with her family. I come back to LA to work, and on the way back home, I get Covid. And I got, like, just a bad fever and chills. And I'm alone in our apartment. And it's one of those sicknesses where you're like, wow. Like, I feel like I could die. Like, it's not. That wasn't that dire, but, you know, you have one of those. Or you're throwing up or something, and you get that feeling. And all of a sudden I thought, I need to tell my dad about this.

[Anna Martin]

And it's like, wow, what about that? Because it felt like. Because why?

[Jacob Hoff]

I think it was just my brain confronting my life a little bit. Like, it just in. In that feeling of, like, sickness, my brain confronted maybe some of. Some things I would regret or some things that I. My life were problematic in my life. And that was. That just reared its head, was like, you need to tell your dad you're gay. The next morning, I called him and I just told him. And I said, you know, dad, I'm. I have to tell you something. I'm gay. I feel I am a gay person, and Samantha is my girlfriend, but this is just our relationship, and that's. It's different than my sexual preference. And he was like, okay. And he was a little taken aback. And I was like, dad, like, I was like, you had to have, like, thought that. I was like. I mean, I was like. I was listening to Cher my entire childhood. Like, how are you not thinking that? And he's like, well, I just thought that was, like, the music you liked and stuff. And there was definitely, like, some shock, but he actually was so accepting, like, so. So just like, okay. And it went over almost too Easy.

[Anna Martin]

Jacob, when you came out to your father, you also spoke about your relationship with Samantha, which they already knew about. But I wonder, like, do you think, do you think that because you were in a relationship with a woman, it made it an easier pill to swallow for him? Do you know what I'm saying?

[Jacob Hoff]

Like, yeah, I mean, potentially, I mean, if Samantha didn't, let's say, and I just lived my life, I think I probably would have just been avoidant my whole life. And Samantha, one of the amazing. One of the many amazing things that have come out of me by being with Samantha and knowing and loving Samantha is the ability to verbalize and confront things and talk about hard things and.

[Samantha Greenstone]

Something I'd love to add about Jacob. And I will tell you, the second he got off the phone with his dad, he calls me and he's like, I just told my dad I'm gay. And it was like a new person was talking to me. It was.

[Jacob Hoff]

So much of that anger dissipated instantly. Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

It seemed like the fact of your relationship with Samantha perhaps softened this news for your father. But then also what you're saying is that it was only because of your relationship with Samantha that you were even able to deliver this news. And I guess, like, did this heterosexual seeming relationship offer you some sort of protection that. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the question is. I'm sorry, I'm having trouble.

[Jacob Hoff]

No, I think it totally did. I mean, I think it. It was the anchor that allowed me to open up to my family about what was going on inside, because otherwise it just wouldn't have happened.

[Anna Martin]

And Samantha, your doubt that you were or this feeling, this fear that you had that you were keeping him trapped in a relationship and not letting him explore his sexuality, what about that fear on your end?

[Samantha Greenstone]

You know, I think as I have seen the number of ways that Jacob shows up for me and his expression of love and just everything we've been through, I know that it's just deeper than just a sexual preference. I really think that once I understood that this is my soulmate and this is my person in life, and we have just found ourselves in this dynamic and form in this lifetime, it made me realize, okay, this is. He's not going anywhere. I'm not certain about a lot of things in life, but I am certain that Jacob is in this forever. And so that kind of just went away completely.

[Anna Martin]

Mm. Jacob, why is identifying as gay, as someone who is only attracted to men, so important to you?

[Jacob Hoff]

Right. And this is, to me the most Important thing and why we talk publicly about our relationship. The label gay is so important to me because for my mental health, for the years of turmoil that I lived in, struggling to come out, and for the true definition of my sexuality. It's the label that fits. I'm solely attracted to men. And Samantha, being my soulmate, is its own star in another galaxy. And that when people say, well, why aren't you bisexual? Well, bisexual means you're attracted to both. And I don't feel I'm attracted to both. I know I'm not attracted to both. I've never been attracted to a woman and never will be. And Samantha isn't a woman. She's a soulmate and a companionship.

[Anna Martin]

You know, I wanna ask something that I think. I mean, I don't know. This whole thing is so vulnerable and sensitive. And I appreciate you guys going there with me. I'm thinking about Jacob, how you explained that, you know, to you, Samantha isn't a woman, she's a soulmate. Right. And that's also how she's in this different plane than physical attraction. And I guess, Samantha, from you, I wanna know, like, does that make you feel. I don't know, any less sexual or desirable. Does that make sense to not be seen as sort of a physical. You not have that component of physical attraction?

[Samantha Greenstone]

Yeah, I get what you're saying. If anything, I feel it actually makes me feel more attractive. Like, the way that I see through the way Jacob's eyes look at me is so beautiful. I never feel more beautiful or secure. When Jacob looks at me, he's seeing me for me and my being. And I don't have any insecurities about him being gay. And it is important for me that he has that label because I know the work and the pain that he went through to get to a place where he could feel so comfortable. Shouting it from the rooftops. I know sometimes people comment and they're like, wow, poor Samantha. I could never be with a man who's not attracted to me. And I'm like, if only you could see and feel what I feel and how attractive I feel and how much I know Jacob is attracted to me. And how amazing it is for someone to think that your being is the most beautiful being they've ever encountered, that it can transcend even their sexual desires because they've just found that this. There's this weight in gold in just a soul.

[Anna Martin]

I'm thinking about how it's really important to you, Jacob, as we've discussed, to identify as gay and Part of a community that has faced discrimination, has faced violence, has fought hard for its right to exist in this country. And at the same time, you know, in your relationship, Jacob and Samantha, you will have this ability to move through the world with the benefits of being straight. A heterosexual couple. Right. Like having kids relatively easily, walking down the street without fear. How do you two make sense of that?

[Jacob Hoff]

You know, I consider that an immense privilege. And I don't take that for granted at all that we are what we are. We are on the surface in the world. We are a straight white couple that can just go around the world looking and presenting that way without people having to see the intricacies of what's going on. And some of the backlash we receive has even come from the queer community where they think we're trying to threaten that or say other people can have this dynamic and should force it or something. And we are in no way, shape or form saying to seek out a dynamic like this. We believe we're one in a million, that this can work. So, you know, any marginalized community that has something come in that's out of their definition of who they are and what they've had to defend themselves to be in this world, they're gonna feel defensive about it. And whether it's a straight conservative being, like, I know that getting married to a woman and being a Christian and doing those things, like that's the right way, that's worked for me so well and so many other people. And a gay person will say no. Like, I know being with a man and being, being gay, expressing that, that works for me and does so well. Like, we all have these set definitions we're trying to defend so that our own life can feel valid. And we're not trying to threaten anybody. We're trying to add to the conversation and say, we're here too, you know.

[Anna Martin]

What do you want people to understand about your relationship?

[Samantha Greenstone]

I think in the most simplest terms, it's just a true love story of two people who fell in love with one another for all of the right reasons. This love happened. It really was kind of a love at first sight thing. And it should be easy that the origins of it all should be easy. If there's ever any work involved, it's just the natural work involved in a relationship. But when you know, you know, and we want people to know that love just can be that simple.

[Jacob Hoff]

Yeah. And I think just for me, it's. Being open and honest about your feelings is always, always the right answer. And that will guide you to peace and tranquility and stable relationships and all of that. That thing that we're all hoping to attain and me finding my truth and being able to speak it, which was really the issue. It wasn't finding it. Being able to talk about it gave me peace. And don't worry about the rejection.

[Anna Martin]

Jacob and Samantha, thank you so much for sharing your love story with us. I'm really grateful.

[Jacob Hoff]

Thank you.

[Samantha Greenstone]

Thank you.

[Anna Martin]

This episode of Modern Love was produced by Emily Language. It's edited by our executive producer, Jen Poyant. Production management by Christina Josa. The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell. Original music by Rowan Nimisto. This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez with studio support from Maddie Masiello and Nick Pittman. Special thanks to Mahima Chablani, Nell Galogly, Jeffrey Miranda and Paula Schumann. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. If you want to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got the instructions in our show notes. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.