Modern Love Podcast Summary

Episode: “I Didn’t Want to Have Kids. My Husband Did. Could Our Marriage Survive?”

Host: Anna Martin
Guest: Helena DeGroat
Date: February 25, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of Modern Love features a candid conversation between Anna Martin and Helena DeGroat, a podcast creator whose new series "Creation Myth" explores her decades-long ambivalence about motherhood. The discussion traces Helena’s journey from certainty about not wanting children, through the complexities of her marriage to a man who did want kids, to the dissolution of that marriage. The episode explores themes of personal identity, doubt, societal and relational expectations, and how major life decisions can shape—and shake—relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Certainty and Influences

[02:05]

• Helena was certain from a young age that motherhood wasn’t for her.
• “When I was a little kid, I already imagined when I'm a grown up ... there was no kid in that scenario.”
• Inspired by her unconventional aunt who lived a vibrant, kid-free life.
• The societal and family conversations around motherhood only deepened her introspection.

[03:30]

• Early adult conversations with her friend Sigrid, who wanted kids, provided a supportive but probing environment to discuss her feelings.

2. Assembling "Reasons" Against Motherhood

[06:27]

• Helena developed a “debate kit” of reasons: desire for an interesting (if not lucrative) career, family history of mental health struggles, personal depressive episodes.
• "It was my mental health ... when you say to people, like, I don't want a kid because I struggle a lot with depression ... Usually they're like, 'Oh, okay, yeah.'"
• She felt uncomfortable with doubt and strove externally for certainty.

3. The Husband Conversation — or Lack Thereof

[09:05]

• Helena’s first “non-conversation” with her future husband happened four hours after meeting, following a condom mishap. She stated:
  • "I wouldn't go through with it anyway. I don't want kids."
• She told him again, days later, as they stood in line at City Hall to get married:
  • “You know this about me, right? I don't want to have a kid.”
  • He replied, "[I'd] rather be with you than have kids." ([13:56])

4. The Issue Resurfaces

[16:37]

• After she moved to the US, her husband soon began raising the subject of children again, reflecting an unspoken hope that she might change her mind.
• His mother had advised him, “Don’t worry about it, she'll change her mind. At her age, I didn’t want kids either.”
• Helena resented the assumption that she would eventually cave, noting that this topic reopened painful debates.

5. Accidental Pregnancy and Its Aftermath

[20:06]

• Several years into marriage, Helena became pregnant by accident. At the same time, her husband’s sister passed away, creating a moment fraught with symbolism about life and death:
  • “Here I have this new life inside me. Like this one life begins as this other life ends ... Maybe I should stop imposing my will.”
• For about two weeks, she felt good (“I felt like such a woman”), but after a trip to California, clarity and old feelings returned:
  • “I was still me, and I still didn't want this.” ([26:28])
• She planned an abortion, telling her husband and traveling alone to New York for the procedure, heartbroken over his pain but certain of her choice.

Memorable Moment

[27:26]

• Helena: “He was so kind. ... He held me. He booked my plane ticket for me. He drove me to the airport.”
• At Planned Parenthood, the staff’s openness and support left her feeling cared for and validated.
  • “I told [the nurse] ... I feel guilty. And she said, 'You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you don't want this, it would not be right to do this.'” ([30:15])

6. The Marriage Unravels

[31:50–36:29]

• The abortion and its emotional toll led to distance; her husband became subdued and withdrawn.
• They stayed together for about a year, but eventually, after a birthday party, he confessed he still needed to try to have a child:
  • “I really want to have a kid. I have to try this.” ([36:29])
• They separated, a decision that left both questioning and grieving, especially Helena, who re-examined her motives and whether fear was holding her back.

7. Grappling with Doubt and Identity

[38:53]

• Helena realized her certainty was less about wanting kids and more about coping with self-doubt and societal pressure.
• “What is wrong with me? Why am I this kind of person? And can I change?”

8. Processing Through Conversation and Creation

[41:50]

• Helena used voice memos and conversations with friends—sometimes recorded for her podcast—as a way of processing her feelings and quest for clarity.

9. A New Relationship & Decisive Actions

[43:19–47:07]

• Six months after her separation, Helena began dating again—unexpectedly swept up in a crush.
• She was forthright with her new partner: “I do not want kids.” He was fine with this and indifferent to the topic.
• Seeking finality, Helena pursued sterilization ("I’m gonna get my tubes tied") for both birth control certainty and personal closure:
  • “My goal was not to get myself to a place where I could want a kid. It was just like, I wanna transform. I wanna be a different kind of person.” ([48:48])

10. The Limits of Certainty

[52:14]

• As the date of her surgery approached, Helena was surprised by a wave of sadness and last-moment uncertainty:
  • “It was like a fingernail thickness big ... wait, do I want to have a kid?”
• She realized:
  • “You either jump or you don’t, but it will be uncertain either way. You will have no way of knowing where you’re going to land.” ([53:06])
• Ultimately, she did not have the surgery—choosing to live with the ambiguity.

11. Living With Curiosity, Not Regret

[53:41–55:10]

• Helena acknowledges she doesn’t have children and, while she wonders about the alternate path, she isn’t afraid of regret:
  • “Regret is a very big word ... I think I will always be curious what if, you know? And that will always have a little sadness around it.” ([53:57])
  • Anna Martin reframes this as:
    • “What a beautiful way to reframe regret is curiosity about what could have been.” ([55:13])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Depression as Reason:
  • “It's almost as if there is very dark wallpaper in my mind, and that's just where I live.” (Helena, [07:15])
• On The Marriage ‘Agreement’:
  • “He said, ‘I’d rather be with you than have kids.’ So to me, this settled the issue.” (Helena, [14:02])
• On Hormonal Changes in Pregnancy:
  • “I felt like such a woman. … I need dresses. … All this stuff, you know, from just the hormones.” (Helena, [24:03])
• On Abortion and Support:
  • “They treated me like a human, you know, who was making a very important decision for her, her life, and they were taking that seriously.” (Helena, [28:53])
• On the End of the Marriage:
  • “I want him to have what he wants, and I can’t give it to him. So he left.” (Helena, [36:29])
• On Finality and Uncertainty:
  • “It will be uncertain either way. You will have no way of knowing where you're going to land.” (Helena, [53:06])
• On Regret vs. Curiosity:
  • “Now I’m just like, that is so freaking cute. I feel my heart ache a little ... And then I’m gonna go on with my day. ... It’s curiosity.” (Helena, [54:32])

Important Timestamps

• [02:05] — Helena describes her early certainty and influences.
• [09:05; 13:41] — The “kid conversation” (or lack thereof) with her husband.
• [16:37] — The issue resurfaces after marriage.
• [20:06] — Accidental pregnancy and the emotional crossroads.
• [27:26] — Helena’s abortion and Planned Parenthood experience.
• [31:50] — Marital shifts post-abortion.
• [36:29] — The final conversation and separation.
• [41:50] — Helena’s approach to processing her feelings (voice memos, podcasting).
• [43:19] — Entering a new relationship and making the decision to pursue sterilization.
• [52:14–53:13] — The realization that certainty is unattainable, and the decision not to have surgery.
• [53:57–55:10] — Final reflections on regret, curiosity, and acceptance.

Tone and Style

The episode’s tone is deeply personal, confessional, and often wryly humorous. Helena’s vulnerability and self-awareness drive the narrative, while Anna Martin’s questions are empathetic, gently probing, and often laced with warm camaraderie.

Summary Takeaway

Helena DeGroat’s story is an exploration of the ambiguity at the heart of major life choices—especially those as intimate and irrevocable as parenthood. The episode underscores that sometimes, no amount of deliberation brings certainty, and embracing curiosity and self-acceptance can be the wisest path forward.