I Tried Everything to Escape My Heartbreak. Only This Worked.

Summary

Modern Love Podcast Summary

Episode: I Tried Everything to Escape My Heartbreak. Only This Worked.
Host: Anna Martin (The New York Times)
Guest: Lauren Banz, TV writer
Date: May 20, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of Modern Love explores how Lauren Banz, a TV writer based in Los Angeles, coped with the heartbreak of her marriage ending while seven months pregnant. After trying every classic strategy to heal—from therapy to crying in public—Lauren discovered, almost by accident, an unconventional and surprisingly effective cure for her pain: escape rooms. Anna Martin and Lauren discuss the depths of Lauren’s heartbreak, the strange liminality of new motherhood, and how immersing herself in solving puzzles gave her a path back to herself.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Catalyst: Heartbreak While Pregnant

• Lauren's Marriage Collapse: At seven months pregnant, Lauren’s husband suddenly confessed to infidelity during what was supposed to be a celebratory dinner. The moment was described as “the rug getting pulled out from underneath me. Just like a full life” (03:01).
• Aftermath and Support: Her parents and sister rushed in from Minnesota, acting as emotional caretakers. Lauren describes the days post-separation as feeling like “hospice,” with loved ones tending to her shattered self (06:39).

Grieving and Loss of Identity

• Loss of Self and Capability: Lauren reflects on feeling completely lost and incapable, both as an individual and as a future parent. “I already felt like I was in an alien body... I don't recognize my own life” (07:50).
• Commonality of Breakups: The conversation highlights how breakups universally shatter self-confidence, no matter one’s circumstances. “Any breakup is kind of the great common denominator... Your smarter version of yourself would say, well, that's ridiculous. But... will I ever love again?” (09:57).

Coping Attempts (And Failures)

• Traditional Remedies: Lauren tried the usual diversions—therapy, reiki, support from friends, even Tinder, but all fell flat or left her feeling worse. “I cried in about every restaurant bathroom in Los Angeles” (14:05).
• Reiki Anecdote: She humorously recounts a failed reiki session where the practitioner hovered and made monkey noises: “I was like, what are you pulling? She's like, there's a lot of heartbreak here. And I'm like, yeah, obviously. I'm sobbing pregnantly” (15:58).

Discovery of Escape Rooms

• First Experience: Lauren’s younger sister, a puzzle enthusiast, drags her to an escape room. Lauren is skeptical, viewing it as a “corporate team building” gimmick, but is too numb to protest (18:31).
• Immersive Distraction: As soon as the room’s clock starts ticking, Lauren is swept up in the puzzle-solving. For the first time, she finds total relief from her heartbreak. “There was a simple puzzle objective in front of me and a countdown clock, and I just focus on the puzzle. And it was such a relief” (23:09).

What Escape Rooms Address

• Restoring Capability and Agency: Solving puzzles offers Lauren tangible proof that she can “do hard things,” a feeling she sorely lacked. “I just hadn't felt capable in any way since it happened” (26:47).
• Mindfulness “By Accident”: The immersive, all-consuming nature of escape rooms forces her into the present moment. “It was the only thing that brought me to the moment” (30:59).

Escalation and Healing

• Solo Escapades: After her sister leaves, Lauren starts attending escape rooms alone—even those designed for groups, with employees stepping in to help. She does mafia, space, and even “Zombie on a Chain” rooms while visibly pregnant (31:15).
• Gradual Improvement: The sense of accomplishment and control spills over into her real life. She’s able to shop for baby furniture and make decisions incrementally: “I could plan my baby's room now” (35:05).

From Escape to Actual Life Progress

• Making Practical Choices: The confidence gained from escape rooms enables Lauren to finally make a birth plan: “I chose to be induced. We set a date... I know exactly what's happening to me and I feel in control of the situation” (38:46).
• Motherhood and Postpartum: Giving birth during the Covid pandemic, Lauren is surprised to discover she feels capable and even joyful: “It felt like I had the opposite of postpartum depression. It like snapped me back somehow” (40:47).

Full Circle: Escape Rooms as Connection and Continuity

• Co-Parenting and New Love: Lauren and her ex-husband co-parent amicably. She eventually dates again and meets her now-boyfriend—also a TV writer and escape room enthusiast. “We do them maybe one every two weeks. Just the two of us” (42:14).
• Bringing Her Daughter In: Lauren introduces her daughter Ellie to a Scooby Doo-themed escape room. “She was a little scared, but when they opened the door and were like, ‘Congratulations, you did it,’ the light in her face... she was so happy to feel victorious. She has the same dopamine reward system that I do” (44:41).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the shock of her husband’s news:
  “I was very deep into this menu when he told me he had to tell me something. And I was like, does he not want the protein?... then he told me that he had cheated on me.” (Lauren, 04:49)

• On the aftermath:
  “It really felt—the aftermath of this felt like I was in hospice. It was just people taking care.” (Lauren, 06:39)

• On universal heartbreak:
  “Albert Einstein, when he was broken up with, was like, will I ever love again?” (Lauren, 09:57)

• On failing to find relief:
  “I cried in about every restaurant bathroom in Los Angeles. Cool.” (Lauren, 14:05)

• On the first escape room and immediate relief:
  “Immediately he closed the door and the clock went on... something just clicked inside of me, and I was like, I have to solve this... there was a simple puzzle objective in front of me and a countdown clock and I just focus on the puzzle. And it was such a relief.” (Lauren, 23:02)

• Connection between puzzles and healing:
  “I was so scared that I was going to be incapable... just feeling capable of a dumb puzzle...was such a gratifying feeling.” (Lauren, 26:47)

• On the dip after the puzzle “high”:
  “It is meaningless. You're in a totally made up story in a totally made up land. But it feels so good to solve something.” (Lauren, 33:22)

• On restoring decision-making ability:
  “I think I went shopping... for a changing table. You know, it was like I accomplished something there. I got my brain and body used to the feeling of solving things again. And then I was able to translate a little bit.” (Lauren, 33:58)

• On confidence post-divorce:
  “I always thought I was an observant, intuitive person... going into a room and finding clues for where the pirate's treasure is made me feel like, okay, I can see things. I mean, maybe I'm less good at the emotional clues, but I can find clues for where the treasure is.” (Lauren, 35:17)

• On bringing her daughter through the circle:
  “When they opened the door and they were like, 'Congratulations, you did it,' the light in her face, she was so happy to feel victorious. And I'm like, oh, she has the same dopamine reward system that I do. So that's good. That was handed down.” (Lauren, 44:41)

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Important Timestamps

• 03:01: Lauren describes how her marriage ended while pregnant.
• 09:57: Discussion of universal pitfalls of breakups.
• 14:05: Trying and failing with conventional coping methods.
• 18:31: Introduction to escape rooms by her sister.
• 23:02: First experience of true relief in the escape room.
• 26:47: Realization that solving makes her feel capable.
• 31:15: Montage of solo escape room adventures.
• 35:05: Reclaiming ability to take real-life action, one task at a time.
• 38:46: Decision to be induced, regaining control.
• 40:47: Surprise at capability and joy of new motherhood.
• 42:14: Incorporating escape rooms into new relationships.
• 44:41: Doing a kid-themed escape room with her daughter, symbolically closing the loop.

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Tone and Style

The conversation is candid, funny, and moving—with Lauren self-deprecatingly narrating her own downward spiral and recovery. Anna Martin brings warmth, empathy, and sharp humor, often finding universality in Lauren’s specifics.

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Conclusion

This installment illustrates the power of unexpected outlets for healing and the ways that immersing ourselves in simple, solvable problems can restore faith in handling life’s most overwhelming complexities. Lauren’s journey from heartbreak to wholeness—by way of strip-mall escape rooms—offers both practical wisdom and poignant reassurance for anyone lost in transition.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Before we start the show, I've got a question about AI. We want to know if AI has changed a relationship in your life in some big way. And we want to know how maybe you and your partner kept having the same fight so you let AI listen in as a kind of couples therapist. Maybe you discovered a friend's chat history and figured out how they were really feeling about you. Or maybe you needed to impress a girl who you couldn't believe was texting you back, so you used AI to draft up some witty responses and then you had to meet up for a real life date. We're interested in all types of relationships. Romantic, friendship, family, work. Tell us how you've encountered AI in your personal life, how it changed a specific relationship, and what you've learned or taken away. Record a voice memo and email it to [e-mail] and we might use your story on the show again. That's modernlovepodcastytimes.com thanks. We can't wait to hear from you. Now here's today's episode. Love now and did you fall in

[A]

love last fell I love her love but stronger than anything for the love

[B]

of love and I love you more

[A]

than anything there's to love love.

[B]

From the New York Times. I'm Anna Martin. This is Modern Love. Look, I have tried lots of things to get over a breakup. I've done the classics. I've gotten a new haircut. In my case, I also bleached my hair. I've gone on shopping sprees. I've taken trips. I've eaten entire family siiz bags of salt and vinegar potato chips and had extreme mouth irritation for days after. But my guest today found herself going through a breakup that no haircut or family siiz snack could heal. Lauren Bands is a TV writer who lives in la. And when she was seven months pregnant, her marriage fell apart. And then, almost by accident, she discovered one of the most unique cures to heartbreak I've ever heard of. Lauren got into escape rooms like, really into them. And somehow in the process of escaping, she found herself again. That's today on the show. Stay with us. Lauren Banz, welcome to Modern Love.

[A]

Thanks for having me, Lauren.

[B]

We're here to talk about an unusual cure for heartbreak that you discovered. Before we talk about that, I want to hear what got you there. What was happening in your life?

[A]

Well, this was back in 2020, and I was married seven months pregnant with my first child, and my husband and I separated suddenly. The short story is there was infidelity. The long story is there are probably things I wasn't noticing about our marriage, issues that I wasn't addressing because it was pretty scary for me to be pregnant for the first time. So I put some blinders on. I had noticed he was distant and he seemed unhappy, but when it happened, it truly felt like a shock. The rug getting pulled out from underneath me. Just like a full life.

[B]

Share with me the sort of breaking point of this marriage.

[A]

So it was in December, it was right after Christmas.

[B]

And you were seven months pregnant.

[A]

You said I was seven months pregnant. And I remember we were going out to dinner at this fancy restaurant, which was part of my Christmas gift, and I was scanning the menu, trying to plot out what I was gonna order. As any normal does, you can't go

[B]

to a restaurant and be surprised by the men.

[A]

No, you can study it like a

[B]

historical text or like something you're going to have a test on. Right, of course.

[A]

Exactly. And I was also planning what my husband would order, cuz which is maybe why I'm divorced. We didn't talk about that reason, but I was like, what if you got a protein and I got a pasta? I'm going to share.

[B]

I do the exact same thing. It's not just for me. It's like, well, this. Obviously we're splitting to double our food. So here's what I'm going to get and here's what I'm gonna suggest you get anyway. Keep going. So you were looking at this menu?

[A]

Yes. I was very deep into this menu when he told me he had to tell me something. And I was like, does he not want the protein? And then I looked up and he seemed very upset and he told me that he had cheated on me.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

It was clearly, you know, I think looking back, it was his way of kind of imploding our lives because he didn't want it anymore. But at the time, wildly shocking.

[B]

He drops this news on you. It's a moment where everything changes in the days that follow. Are you thinking like, let's salvage this thing, or, where's your thinking around what this means for your future and your baby?

[A]

No, I think at that point, it all kind of came flooding in. Like, I realized there was something seriously off between us. I had weirdly gotten coffee that morning with my friend Willa and was complaining about how I felt so alone, and I didn't know what was going to happen with my marriage, and it was so scary. And I remember Willa saying something along the lines of, it's so crazy how people need an event to end things.

[B]

Willa. Willa.

[A]

And then this happens. No, I was like, am I in a mood? That seems very blatant, foreshadowing.

[B]

If you were in that writer's room,

[A]

you'd say, well, that's not believable. A little on the nose. A little on the nose. And then I got the event, and I was. I think this is it.

[B]

I'm understanding that this was, like. It felt final to Willa's, you know, point. This was the act. How did you explain what was happening to friends or family? Or did you explain what was happening? I did.

[A]

It was rough. You know, my parents loved him. He was such a nice guy. He was the kind of guy you see and you're like, I should marry that guy. He's super sweet. He's soft, skinny spoken. He's smart, he's nerdy. The kind of guy that kind of feels safe, especially to parents, you know, I. My parents flew in from Minnesota right away to kind of be with me. It really felt. The aftermath of this felt like I was in hospice. It was just people taking care. Of course.

[B]

I mean, you're. You're laughing, but I. You know, I've never been married and I've never been pregnant, and I've never been cheated on while married and pregnant. But I will say, of course, I've had my own. Just complete ruptures with reality, and I have been cheated on. And it feels like, yeah, it just. It completely destabilized. And I'm curious if it felt like this for you, but just my sense of who I was, I was like this person who had value and knew it and who could handle things and was, you know, desirable and in any way. It just. It completely knocked me out of myself. I wonder if that resonates for you at all.

[A]

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, I already felt like I was in an alien body because I didn't recognize it in the mirror. And you have someone kicking inside of you, and just pregnancy is one of those Strangest feelings already. And then to have this happen, I was like, I don't even know what my life is. I don't recognize my own life.

[B]

I mean, and that was my next question is like, there's the immediate pain of it. And it really. I've had people come in shuffle in one after another. It is like you're sick because you do feel that way, right? Like, I also had a kind of constant barrage of people. But as you were there and in such pain, what were you thinking about in terms of the future, in terms of being a parent, in terms of what that would look like for you?

[A]

I was just so terrified. I just, I think my nervous system was in complete control and I couldn't regain any sort of hold on it. I would sometimes wake up with a start at 4am or the middle of the night. You know that feeling? Sometimes you wake up in a hotel. It was like everything was alien to me. I was in my sister's bed. Her husband had kindly moved into the office. So I was just sleeping with my sister every night and waking up at 4am thinking, where in the world am I? What is my life? But I think the hardest moment for me every day was the first wake up in the morning. If you manage to fall asleep, there's a split second when you wake up before your body and brain register your circumstances where there's this glimpse of hope that you're just waking up as yourself. And then you realize what your life is and it all comes flooding back in and it is so paralyzing. And you know, I do think any breakup is kind of the great common denominator. And you all have the same terrible thoughts that your smarter version of yourself would say, well, that's ridiculous. But I'm like, sure. Albert Einstein, when he was broken up with was like, will I ever love again?

[B]

I love thinking about him in that position. And thank you for putting that. He's like crying, he takes off his little glasses, he's doing that tongue out thing that there's that famous picture of. What were some of these thoughts that were racing through your mind?

[A]

All the most cliche thoughts a broke up person could do. You know, will I ever love again? How will I ever date? How will I have this baby? How will I raise this baby? I couldn't even get into specifics of the future. They were so terrifying to me. I think my parents ended up doing most of the. The baby prepping for me. I couldn't go to the store and pick out a crib. It just was too much for me. So I told someone else to do it. I'm like, this is obviously going to come at some point. There's a clock on it.

[B]

But you couldn't, you couldn't even think about. I mean, it's striking to me, too, that it's like if you're not feeling capable of choosing a crib to feel capable of bringing a human into the world and feeding it and doing all of the things that humans require.

[A]

Oh, absolutely.

[B]

I mean, that's terrifying. It is really scary.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And that, like, compounds the fear. You're like, oh, man, I can't do anything right now. And I'm about to have a dependent human life. How am I gonna do it?

[B]

We'll be right back.

[A]

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[B]

I'm a White House reporter for the New York Times. Our job as reporters is to dig out information that powerful people don't want published to take you into rooms that you would not otherwise have access to. There's no robot that can go and talk to someone who was in the situation room and find out what was really said. In order to get original information that's not public. And we actually need journalists to do that, I'm asking you to consider subscribing to the New York Times. Independent journalism is important, and without you, we simply can't do it. Was there anything besides, I guess, sleeping? Was there anything you found that made you feel better?

[A]

I tried everything. Um, you know, friends took me to dinners and movies, and there was some, you know, just hearing a story by a friend of something funny that happened to them. Maybe a small breath of relief. But I think I cried in about every restaurant bathroom in Los Angeles. Cool.

[B]

They should give you an award for that. They should. They should.

[A]

At least a free dessert. They did not. They did not.

[B]

Oh, my God. The pregnant crying. I mean. Yeah, it is. Listen, I'm only laughing in recognition because we. It is like a. It's a thing where you just can't stop it. And at a certain point, it's like, at least again, for me, in terms of my breakups, which were not as extreme, I'm like, well, why stop it? I sort of lost my embarrassment about it almost. And that was actually quite productive for me to feel like I could cry in public.

[A]

Right. I got a little mean at some point, which is strange for me. Cause I'm from Minnesota. Sure, maybe. You know, we have a reputation for being very nice, and I normally consider myself very nice. But I remember being in Whole Foods, dragged along by my parents or a friend. I think it was my parents. And this sweet older woman who kind of looked like June Squibb, but wasn't June Squib, came up to me and touched my back lightly and asked, like, is it a boy or a girl? And I just looked at her and said, I'm not pregnant. Was so clearly pregnant. She was so flustered. She got tears in her eyes. I'm like, oh, God, am I going to give her a stroke? This is a horrible thing to do. But I, like, weirdly would get off on doing little acts of aggression just to be like, the world was so mean to me. I'm going to be mean to this, like, sweet old woman for no reason.

[B]

And let's pour one out for her, like, wherever she is, if she's listening. You were.

[A]

I was pregnant. I was pregnant. Oh, my God, you're the best. I'm so sorry.

[B]

She's so. So. We're sorry.

[A]

Yes. Because I immediately went back to therapy. I did all the Los Angeles things one can do when you're going through this. I did Reiki. Did not like it. This woman just kind of hovered above my heart with her hand and made monkey noises.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

Literally. I was like. And I was like, what are you pulling? She's like, there's a lot of heartbreak here. And I'm like, yeah, Obviously. Obviously. I'm sobbing pregnantly.

[B]

The monkey is new Y.

[A]

And then she's pulling it out.

[B]

What else? So there's Reiki in the LA Playbook.

[A]

There's what?

[B]

Going to the beach. I'm not even sure what you guys do over there.

[A]

I did. A friend did take me to the beach, and I screamed into the water. I mean, normally the playbook for me would be similar to when I was broken up with in New York, which would be going out, drinking a lot of wine, and trying to make out with some strangers.

[B]

So basically, that's mine too. Yeah. Yeah, that's mine too.

[A]

Yes. But hard to do when you're pregnant.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

You know, you can't drink. Really. I mean, you can, but I didn't. And I did join Tinder for a blip. I was like, I'm gonna be like everyone else, just using it for attention. And then the second I got a swipe, I was like, should we meet for a date?

[B]

Pics from the shoulders up.

[A]

Yeah, Full catfishing. Just old pics. Didn't mention I was pregnant or married.

[B]

But you're trying all these things. Nothing is working.

[A]

Nothing is working.

[B]

And this, Lauren, is where escape rooms come into the picture. How did you end up in one of these rooms?

[A]

So my younger sister came to visit me.

[B]

You were with your older sister?

[A]

I was with my older sister before, and she is a scientist. She runs a little more dorky than I do, but no shame. I. I am dorky in my ways as well. And she came and I had been doing a lot of daytime movies, but I found with movies that. That I could find any piece of a narrative and make it about myself and feel bad. Like, I saw Bad Boys 2 and there was a small romance plot, and I was like, I can't take this. This is too much. So movies weren't working. And my sister is a big puzzle fan, and she loved doing escape rooms in Atlanta, which is where she lives, and she brought me to an escape room.

[B]

How did she even bring this up? This does not feel like on the bevy of normal, like, hangout options. Right. Like, how did she even bring this up to you?

[A]

Well, I think the people who are coming in to visit me were tasked. They might be huddling behind my back, tasked with getting me out of the house at least once a day. And with coming up with something to do because I was making no decisions or offering. I said no to everything.

[B]

And so she was like, hey, sis, we're gonna go to an escape room. What was your immediate reaction?

[A]

I really thought that they were for corporate team building.

[B]

Yes. To me it's like ax throwing. It's like that only exists for like the corporate retreat of the tech company. Right?

[A]

Exactly. Really? We're gonna do the some like the thing 3M employees do to bond. I don't wanna do that. But I also didn't have any other ideas and I weirdly was open to people just taking control of my body and mind.

[B]

Does she tell you anything about like what type of escape room? Or do you just roll up to a place and you're surprised?

[A]

Roll up to a place. It's I believe it was called 60 out was the company. And it's in like a derelict strip mall on a weird in between neighborhood. Like in between Koreatown and Silver Lake.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh cool. We're here at 10:30am to dumpster dive or whatever we're supposed to be doing

[B]

and I'm going to put use some context clues. 60 out. You have 60 minutes to get out.

[A]

Smart. I hadn't thought about that. Oh, you had an escape room.

[B]

Take me next time. Okay, so. And bring me into this. Actually, before we even do this, why don't we zoom out and just talk about how escape rooms work. I have never done this. Can you describe just sort of broadly what an escape room is?

[A]

Yes. So the companies themselves call it an immersive interactive experience. Which is maybe the most jargony thing you've ever heard of.

[B]

Sounds like an experience, but yes, yes.

[A]

Basically you go into a themed room. Think like a cheesy motel that would have different themes to each room. Pirates, undersea, outer space, whatever the theme is.

[B]

Yeah, I'm excited.

[A]

And there's like pretty cool set deck. It kind of looks like a private high school's play. You know, you're like, oh, they spent some money on this. This looks good. And there's a puzzle master, which in my experience is usually a 19 year old boy with kind of long stringy hair and a goatee. And he explains the rules of the game and the story of the room. And then you basically have a task which is, you know, to free the patriarch of the family or find the hidden treasure. And there's an escalating series of physical puzzles. Rearrange these photos on the wall in the right order to make this key pop out. So you're in this themed room solving these puzzles, finding clues for 60 minutes and there's a big timer on the wall that shows you where you're at and you're trying to solve the last puzzle before the timer.

[B]

Okay. So this is good to know. This is good to know. So you roll up to 60 out.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

You walk in, bring me into this first one. What was the mission?

[A]

My sister had picked a Mount Olympus themed escape room.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

I believe the objective was to end there was a war between the Titans and the gods, and we needed to end it and restore Mount Olympus to its place of peaceful glory.

[B]

That makes sense as a mission for you two on, like, 10:30 on a Monday?

[A]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. A pregnant lady is the one to do. Not Hercules or anything. It should be me.

[B]

And is this puzzle master, I assume, given your description, is telling you this? You know your sister has done these before. This is the first time you're hearing this. Tell me how this is hitting you. Are you, like, rolling your eyes like this is ridiculous, or are you feeling like, let's go.

[A]

I think I was crying as he was going. My sister was nodding avidly at his story. I was already in tears, like, trying to stifle them back, thinking about my life. I think the puzzle master was like, what in the hel on. I'm going to close the door gently behind this sobbing pregnant woman. But immediately he closed the door and the clock went on. And I don't know if this is the Tracy flick in me left from being, like, a studious high school student. I just, like, went into gear. I was like, okay, I think we have to do this. Oh, a problem. And a countdown clock. Say no more. And something just clicked inside of me, and I was like, I have to solve this. This is a problem before me that I can solve.

[B]

Tell me more about that feeling. Had you felt that way since the divorce?

[A]

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I didn't even realize at the time that I was, for the first time, not thinking about my circumstances. I didn't even think about the fact I was pregnant. I was just. Just. There was a simple puzzle objective in front of me and a countdown clock, and I just focus on the puzzle. And it was such a relief.

[B]

What's next?

[A]

We get out on Mount Olympus and then I believe. No. Yeah, we're just at Mount Olympus. You know how that happens?

[B]

Me and my sister get off at Mount Olympus.

[A]

Yeah. Strip mall in Silver Lake. That takes you to Mount Olympus. I believe you went into. I mean, this was six years ago now, but kind of this beautiful heavenly circle with ionic columns that were probably made out of cardboard because it is an escape room. But at some point, a trapdoor opens. I know that that was the one hiccup in this room. I was so into it. And then at minute 45, the trapdoor to go underground opened. It was the Minotaur's cave. Oh, cool. And. And I was like, I feel like I'm pregnant and shouldn't slither through this one. So my sister gets down to do it and I just am kind of waiting her for her to, you know, spelunk to the end of the Minotaurs cave.

[B]

And then does she come get you? Like what do you do? How does that.

[A]

No, she came out with there was a key at the end of the Minotaur's cave, which was the final clue. And then we had to unlock the box that would bring the peace treaty to Mount Olympus. But during that time when she was slithering around and I had nothing to do but wait, things came flooding back to me.

[B]

I was going to ask, was it like that moment upon waking where you kind of recognized again your circumstance?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Shoot. It happened that fast?

[A]

Yeah. So she came out of the Minotaur's cave. I mean, it took her about five minutes. She really had to slither. And I was like sad again. But we then solved the escape room. We did it. I think the guy was very impressed with us.

[B]

When you are there triumphant with your sister, bring me into your body and your brain. I mean, it feels like, you know, quite literally this was an escape for you. How were you feeling? I don't know. In the moments after, in the car ride home, I was feeling relief, which

[A]

I really think is the greatest emotion you can have as an adult. Just relief. You know, I think I was able to get out of, you know, just a full nervous system response, just constant dread and the lump in your throat. Like the physical symptoms for at least a good chunk of that escape room were gone. And I think on the way home, she was staying about five more days.

[B]

Your sister?

[A]

My sister. And I said I would do another one, which is the first time I had offered to do anything in the last six weeks.

[B]

You making a decision and actually, you know, the escape room is a series of very quick, rapid decisions. I mean, it strikes me that after this period of feeling completely paralyzed, this was a moment where you had to be extremely decisive. And you were.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Did that mean to you that like you had to do another escape room? Like it felt imperative to do one cuz you'd found this thing or.

[A]

I definitely felt curious about it. Um, I noticed that this was basically the first time besides for sleep, when I wasn't thinking about it and thought, you know, I was doing all these things that address the problem head on, like therapy and Reiki, and you're talking through it. And I think for me, I was so scared that I was gonna be incapable of taking care of this human life that was about to come into the world. Just feeling capable of a dumb puzzle, of putting portraits in order on a wall was such a gratifying feeling. I just hadn't felt capable in any way since it happened. And it was just proof, as, you know, a stitch pillow might say I could do hard things, but I kind of needed that. I just needed that so much like some validation that that that part of my brain still works, that you could do it. Yes.

[B]

We'll be right back.

[A]

Foreign. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. For a limited time, when you get a new Apple card and purchase AirPods Pro 3 at Apple, you can earn back the cost up to 250 daily cash. New AirPods Pro and up to $250 daily cash back. Now that's music to my ears. Subject to credit approval, limitations and spend requirements apply. Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs bank usa Salt Lake City Branch Terms and more at Apple Co AirPods hey, hold up.

[B]

This is your minute. It's your minute in this life, on this day. It's your day to play, to play, to make, to move, to move through, to explore. It's your morning to share, your weekend,

[A]

to shape, to cook, to soak, to listen to, to wait.

[B]

It's your body to rest, to nourish, to grow. It's your mind you know. It's your place, your country, your life, to love, to rise, to dream, to change. It's your world as much as anyone's. It's your world to understand the New York Times. Find out [e-mail] YourWorld World. Your sister. You do another escape room with your sister? It sounds like yes. She eventually leaves though your entrance into the escape room community. So once she's gone, what's your plan? What do you do?

[A]

I start doing them by myself during the day, which is such I can't tell you what a crazy sight this is. 1. It's just weird to go. I don't know why they have 10:30am time slots, but they do.

[B]

It feels early.

[A]

Yeah, it feels a little early.

[B]

And it is like a group activity, one would assume, right? So going alone also feels so weird.

[A]

Some of them aren't even possible to do alone. You need someone to stand on this mark while the other person does that and for those, the puzzle master would just come in and help. They're literally supposed to be for group bonding, but I found I got better and better at them and I found just I could fully lose myself in the puzzle. I just was like, got that. I'll put these clues together. And I did not think at all about the future. I could just be in the moment. It was the only thing that brought me to the moment.

[B]

Give me like a you're in the movie biz. Give me like the movie montage of you in these escape rooms. You know, first slot, like what are you seeing? What are the sets, what are the puzzles? Who are the people you're meeting? Like give me that montage if you can.

[A]

I did a mafia escape room where at the end the bones of the guy the mafia killed fall out on you. And I was like, oh, can I

[B]

do that to a pregnant woman? I do feel like also your pregnancy is something that I know must be

[A]

a little scary space one where the stakes are you're running out of oxygen, so you have to bring oxygen back. And I was really able to fall for the stakes. So I would get really nervous.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think that was good. My ability to believe it let me really hone in. Yeah. The funniest one I did is I did Zombie on a Chain which involves a live actor just alone as a pregnant woman.

[B]

You gotta describe that one. You can't say zombie on a chain. Like I know what zombie on a chain is. So what was happening in Zombie on a Chain?

[A]

Well, it turns out it's very self descriptive. There's an actor who is a zombie on a chain at one end of the room and every five minutes that goes by, the chain loosens up about an inch. And if the zombie gets you, the game is over. So it's not just time, it's like if the zombie can reach you and attack you, it's like scary.

[B]

It's like haunted house x escape room type thing. Collab.

[A]

Exactly. And this I was about eight months pregnant. Maybe eight months in a week.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

And truly I scared the live actor more than he scared me. He really was worried about like sending me into labor. So he was like, rawr. Like really not giving in his all. And at one point he was like, you're doing okay. And I'm like, don't break character. Don't break character. I paid for this.

[B]

The zombie on a chain's like, hey lady, listen, I don't want to be responsible for anything like that.

[A]

Yes, he's like, there's a lawsuit here. I'm not gonna.

[B]

You're like, I paid for this. Oh, my God. Well, did you. Did you solve it before the zombie on a train?

[A]

I did, I did.

[B]

Are you solving all of these?

[A]

I am solving.

[B]

Turns out I'm also good at this. I mean, sounding like it. Like, these sound complicated, these sound, like, difficult. And it seems like you escaped from all of these rooms.

[A]

Yes, I think there were one or two. I didn't make it in time, but got close. But even then, it just is such a nice sense of accomplishment.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It is meaningless. You're in a totally made up story in a totally made up land. But it feels so good to solve something.

[B]

You're talking about how in these moments, you feel capable, you feel relief, you feel locked in. I mean, you feel this kind of intense focus that allows all things to fall away. I guess I wonder, like, when it's such a high like that, when it's such relief, is there a comedown? Like, would you leave these rooms and feel like, oh, my God, I gotta go back to my real life? Or did real life start to feel a little less scary?

[A]

It might. It was still terrifying. But I do think it started to feel a little less scary. You know, at the same time, I. When I started doing these rooms, I hadn't even planned a nursery. There was nowhere for my baby to sleep. I sent my parents out to buy baby furniture, and then I would go in and I would save, you know, Artemis 2 from Space Peril and then come out. And I think I went shopping at Mini Crate and Barrel with my mom for a changing table. You know, it was like I accomplished something there. I got my brain and body used to the feeling of solving things again. And then I was able to translate a little bit. I don't think I could solve my life or figure out what was going to happen to me after the baby came or come up with a satisfying plan for the future. But I could take care of things increment by increment into the future. I could plan my baby's room now.

[B]

Huh. That feels really powerful. Honestly, even though you say it's increment by increment, going to Home Depot with your mom, that does not sound like something you could have done before the escape rooms.

[A]

No, it absolutely wasn't. And I think another aspect of it was I was feeling so bad about myself for either ignoring or missing the signs of my marriage, you know, for not noticing that my husband was so unhappy, for not picking up on the clues And I always thought I was an observant, intuitive person. And was it. It totally broke my confidence in that notion that going into a room and finding clues for where the pirate's treasure is made me feel like, okay, I can see things. I mean, maybe I'm less good at the emotional clues, but I can find clues for where the treasure is. Yes.

[B]

Like, well, no. I mean, that makes sense to me too. It's like, yeah, we talked about how these kinds of things just sort of your identity is thrown into question. All these abilities, whatever, like, values, things you thought you could do, you can't do anymore. And so it makes sense to me that even this ability to, like, look really closely would feel like something you were reclaiming. Almost absolutely. Did you, like, tip them a lot when you left the escape room?

[A]

I did.

[B]

I did. I feel like I would be like, here's $500 or something. Like, you guys are helping me more

[A]

than, you know, you know? It felt. Felt crazy to be earnestly. Escape rooms really saved my life. But they did. I mean, I turned it into a bit, but they did.

[B]

Yeah. You mentioned the worst part of your day, being waking up and remembering. Was that happening to you less when you started doing escape rooms?

[A]

On the days I had an escape room booked, yes. I mean, there's still that initial gut punch when you wake up. And then immediately after the gut punch, I'd think, oh, I have an 11am Booked. You know, you kind of know what you're gonna do in the immediate future, and it lessens the unknown horror of it all.

[B]

Yeah. And meanwhile, it sounds like you are preparing space for the baby. I mean, literally physically, with the crib and all the stuff. And emotionally, it seems like you're better able to imagine, you know, caring for this child. And of course, you can't keep doing it. Like, you are getting pregnanter and pregnanter by the day.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So you had to end it at some point. Yes. Do you remember yours?

[A]

Well, I remember very close to my due date, my OB was like, okay, so what is the birth plan?

[B]

Which is your OB About? About this.

[A]

About this game? I don't think so.

[B]

I'm just curious. Okay.

[A]

They were like, what is the birth plan? She said she asked. And I had been putting it off because I didn't know. I'm like, I don't know. Do I want to be induced if it doesn't come out? There's all these questions you have to answer. And I had been putting off answering any questions, and I think I might have done maybe Five or six escape rooms. When I was like, oh, I think I know what I want to do. And I was like, Lauren, that is really.

[B]

It's really moving to me actually. Like you'd worked five or six escape rooms. That is your measure of time, which I really like.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And so what was the plan that you came up with? You were able to make these decisions, so what was the decision?

[A]

Yes, I think I didn't want to be surprised by birth. It was. That was too scary. I just had a big surprise in my life that upended my world. So I chose to be induced. We set a date to be induced. And. And besides for it being the first week of full blown Covid everywhere, I really liked that decision. I was like, I know exactly what's happening to me and I feel in control of the situation.

[B]

Oh my God. It was Covid, though. That's really intense.

[A]

It was Covid. It was so intense. I gave birth in a full blown N95 mask. They kicked my sister out after the baby came out. It was really. At one point I threw up in my mask and I was like, I need a change.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

That was really intense.

[B]

You do this with your sister? It sounds like with family present. Is your ex husband in the picture

[A]

at all at this time right now? No, because you could only bring one person to the hospital and I did not want him, I wanted my sister. But after the baby was born and we got back to my apartment, he came into the picture very soon and came over and was a dad and had spent time. And now we co parent. 50%. 50. 50. So things are good. You know, he's a very present loving

[B]

parent in that moment. I wanna stay in that moment. You know, I've heard this from, you know, many mothers, my own included. You know, you're handed this. You'd said you felt alien. You're handed basically this alien and they're like, okay, go home. And you're like, what? You know, like, this is on me now. This is. And you'd mentioned being just, you know, it was like incomprehensible to you how you could care for this baby, this daughter. You had a daughter, right?

[A]

Mm.

[B]

What was the reality of these first days, weeks with her? Did you. Were you able to make decisions? Did you know what to do?

[A]

Yeah, somehow it was wonderful. She came out and it felt like I had the opposite of. Of postpartum depression. It like snapped me back somehow. That's really wonderful. I felt ready to handle it. And because it was Covid and we Were kind of isolated to our apartment. I really didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. You know, this is what I would be doing with a baby anyways. Kind of hunkering down and it kind of felt like it had an escape room vibe. Like, I'm like, we're trapped in a space together and I'm used to this now.

[B]

So what's the mission here? Raise an adult that's empathetic and caring and so that one's a little harder.

[A]

And it's a good an hour.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

We get a longer time limit. Thank God.

[B]

I wonder too. You know, before the escape room discovery, you were nervous about finding romantic connection again. And I wonder how that progressed too.

[A]

It was all in my head, all of my nerves. I have dated a couple people, like lovely people, since my divorce, and I'm currently have a very lovely boyfriend who is also a TV writer, also divorced. And we weirdly love to do escape rooms.

[B]

Don't you even say that. How did you. Was that, like, on your profile or whatever, if you met online? No, no, no.

[A]

I had to bury it as kind of a joke in an early date. You know, when you're pitching with someone new, you're like, we could see a movie. We could go to this restaurant. We could do an escape room. I, like, threw it in the middle of a bunch of options. And he was like, I love escape rooms. And I was like, okay, we're masks off now. So we do them maybe one every two weeks. Just the two of us.

[B]

Are. No way. We.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Are you running out of escape rooms? In the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area,

[A]

they, like, revamp them every few years. But, like, we've had to slow our roll because we don't want to run out.

[B]

I guess that's really often.

[A]

Yes. A new place. There's a new company that just opened here called Escapology. So we've been, like, running through theirs.

[B]

You're like their first and best customers. One every two weeks might. Wow. What a truly full circle. What does it feel like to do an escape room with, like, with a romantic partner? Is he good at them? Actually is my main one.

[A]

He's very good at them.

[B]

He is.

[A]

He's very, like, puzzle brained.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I thought it was gonna be this grand, like, wow, full circle. Look at me. All these thoughts I had. I'm usually just like, slightly annoyed with him doing them. I'm like, give me the book. You're hogging the book.

[B]

He's like, are you just doing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, is he yeah. What's your dynamic in the room? Are you the leaders? Are you both leaders? And that's why it's tough.

[A]

We're both leaders. I think that's why it's good we cap it at just us. I think if we added friends, and they would be so annoyed with us. Like, he can help himself. The last time we were doing it, I was holding the skull key and he just grabbed it out of my hand and was like, sorry. And I can't believe I just did that. Like, we're just. Just can or help ourselves.

[B]

And you're like,

[A]

we'll be going to dinner and talking about this later.

[B]

Will you bring your daughter to an escape room when she's age appropriate?

[A]

I have. I just did in the last few months.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah, we did a Scooby Doo themed escape room. It's a kid theme. No, they said that kids were allowed. I did like it recommended kids 8 and above. And she's just a very tall 6. So I slid her in and she was a little scared in there. They were playing eerie music and she was plugging her ears and saying, why is it so spooky? She didn't do much in terms of clue finding. And I like doing it so much. I'm just like, you can poke at stuff. I'll take care of it.

[B]

Okay, well, now that to me and sorry that I'm forcing so many full circle moments onto the story that is still, you know, continuing. But you were pregnant with Ellie, doing these escape rooms, scared for her to come into the world and to be in this creepy Scooby Doo escape room with your daughter. I mean, that must have been quite meaningful.

[A]

Yes, it was. I mean, part of me had the thought beforehand is, you know, they say if you play classical music to your baby, maybe they'll come out like a musical virtuoso. I'm like, did she seep the knowledge of escaping the room in utero? And now she'll be incredible at it. And the answer is no.

[B]

Well, she's six. Lauren. She's six? Yeah.

[A]

She's six. Yes. Yes. But she was. So when they opened the door and they were like, congratulations, you did it, like the light in her face, she was so happy to feel victorious. And I'm like, oh, she has the same dopamine reward system that I do. So that's good. That was handed down.

[B]

Lauren, what a delight. Thank you so much for this conversation.

[A]

Of course. It was so lovely to talk to you. If you ever want to do an escape room, call me.

[B]

Oh, Believe me, I know who to call.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

Lauren wrote about escape rooms in the New York Times Magazine. If you want to read her story, there's a link in the show notes. The Modern Love team is Davis Land, Elisa Gutierrez, Lynn Levy, Reva Goldberg, and Sarah Curtis. This episode was produced by Davis Land. It was edited by Lynn Levy. Our mix engineer was Daniel Ramirez. Special thanks to Elena Saavedra Buckley. Original music in this episode by Pat McCusker, Alicia Beitup, and Dan Powell. Dan also composed our theme music. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones, and Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. If you'd like to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got the instructions in our show notes. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.