No, I Won't Be Your Bridesmaid

Summary

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Modern Love Podcast: "No, I Won't Be Your Bridesmaid"

Host: Anna Martin (The New York Times)
Guest: Ruhama Welle (author, "I Hope You Elope")
Release Date: April 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of Modern Love centers on the true—and often unspoken—emotional and financial costs of being a bridesmaid. Host Anna Martin welcomes Ruhama Welle, author of the new book I Hope You Elope: A Bridesmaid Survival Guide, who shares her “bridesmaid resignation letter,” candidly detailing why she’s stepping away from wedding party duties for good. Together, they dissect the pressures, group dynamics, and evolving cultural norms around weddings, blending humor, vulnerability, and practical advice for anyone who’s ever felt squeezed by the wedding industrial complex.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Real Costs of Being a Bridesmaid

[02:24 – 09:38]

• Ruhama wrote a public resignation letter declaring she’d no longer be a bridesmaid after being "slapped with" three wedding invitations back-to-back, right after the pandemic.
• She estimates spending "in the mid-4000s" dollars on three weddings—without even attending all the bachelorettes and showers. With all events, the costs could have easily reached $7,000–9,000.
  • Notable quote:

    "I look back at it, and I'm like, this could have easily been 7, 8, $9,000 for three weddings at a time where I'm like, I think I was making 60K." —Ruhama Welle [04:18]

• The expenses aren't just dresses ("both Western and traditional for multi-ethnic weddings") but also travel, beauty treatments, and mandatory group outfits, all coordinated via “a flurry of Google Docs and emails.”
  • Notable quote:

    "We are just talking about a dress. The dress, the dress." —Anna Martin [06:42]

• Financial strain leads to sacrifices on everyday comforts and socializing (e.g., skipping birthday dinners or late-night Ubers for safety).
  • Notable quote:

    "There are the folks who come in, and they're like, entree, appetizer, two cocktails… and then there's someone… I'm getting an appetizer because that's truly what I could afford. And then you're splitting that bill evenly." —Ruhama Welle [10:08]

The Emotional Toll & Group Dynamics

[09:38 – 18:32; 20:08 – 41:13]

• Beyond the financial, there’s significant emotional labor: managing group expectations, competitive collaborations (e.g., bridesmaid dress selection), and the sense of performing happiness and support.
• Being a bridesmaid is likened to being on the “production team” of a big event—often as amateurs.
  • Notable quote:

    "Weddings have really lost the plot… a melting pot of what the wedding industrial complex is now." —Ruhama Welle [15:34]

• The pressure to show up perfectly can strain even close friendships, as illustrated by Ruhama's candid sharing of a fraught hair-related disconnect at a friend’s wedding.
  • Notable quote:

    "I was hoping...some kind of affirmation that it was not a big deal or it was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, because… if I told you how much I spent to be here now for the second time, I get it." —Ruhama Welle [33:00]

• Ruhama discusses how the role often feels limiting, making it hard to voice boundaries, and how group chat “silence” prevents healthy communication.
  • Notable quote:

    "I feel like someone had put duct tape over my mouth. But it's because when you're in these group dynamics, when everybody has said it is her moment, her day, her season...I just was, okay. That's what she wants." —Ruhama Welle [37:00]

• Even with open, long-term friendships, wedding culture can silence even the closest friends.

Navigating Boundaries, Saying No, and Evolving Traditions

[44:51 – 53:50]

• Ruhama advises anyone asked to be a bridesmaid to first honestly assess their financial and emotional capacity before accepting.
  • Notable quote:

    "You need to have your gap and your grace… Once you calculate the full cost after kind of running through everything… you can then be like, okay, I can probably participate as a bridesmaid. I just probably can't tap into a bachelorette, especially if it's a destination one." —Ruhama Welle [45:11]

• The pressure for an instant "yes" is immense, but it's okay, and sometimes necessary, to decline.
• Specific, early, and honest communication is key: explain your reasons clearly rather than vaguely, and offer alternative ways to support.
• Suggested responses:
  • "I love you and I'm so honored you asked me, but I need to be honest that I can't be a bridesmaid in the way this role requires or the season really requires..."
  • Offer alternate support: a spa day, joining a hair & makeup trial, coming to the wedding as a guest.
• If things get tricky after accepting, approach the bride early, lead with compassion, and suggest practical solutions or boundaries (e.g., skipping a costly activity).

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Notable & Memorable Quotes

• On cost unseen:

  "It's also kind of like obfuscated in ways. It's obviously not polite to talk about finances while on the Bachelorette." —Anna Martin [08:15]

• On emotional labor:

  "We overextend ourselves and just slap love, loyalty, and support around it." —Ruhama Welle [18:21]

• On group dynamic stress:

  "Splitwise is… oh, if I never have to do a Splitwise again…" —Ruhama Welle [07:19]

• On shifting boundaries:

  "Being in this role, experiencing any of this, made me feel… I have to kind of take myself out of this." —Ruhama Welle [36:38]

• On tradition-breaking:

  "I don't imagine having bridesmaids myself." —Ruhama Welle [39:51]

• On the heart of the matter:

  "You can not want to be a bridesmaid, but still feel so drawn and committed and in love with the love of a wedding." —Anna Martin [44:26]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Bridesmaid Resignation Letter and Financial Reality: [02:21 – 09:38]
• Cost Breakdown (Dresses, Travel, Beauty, Bachelorette): [05:07 – 13:56]
• Group Dynamics & Splitwise Disasters: [06:49 – 08:38]
• The Emotional Math and Friendship Strain: [11:43 – 20:08]; [20:08 – 41:13]
• Hair, Identity, and the Breaking Point: [24:11 – 37:33]
• Advice: How to Say No / Renegotiate Roles: [44:51 – 53:50]

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Tone & Final Thoughts

The conversation is candid, empathetic, and laced with humor and gentle resignation about “the wedding industrial complex.” There’s a deep affection for friendship and love, but unflinching clarity about personal limits and the need for evolving traditions. The episode offers practical scripts and validation for listeners, whether they are “career bridesmaids,” brides, or wedding-resistant romantics.

Closing Note:
Ruhama remains firm:

"Absolutely. Oh, my gosh. I'm like, I would never put myself through that again." —Ruhama Welle, on being a bridesmaid again [39:30]

Anna and Ruhama leave listeners encouraged to be honest, compassionate, and to find new ways of supporting friends—without losing themselves in a haze of pastel tulle and spreadsheet stress.

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Transcript

[Anna Martin]

Some days are just made for good food and great conversation. On Be My Guest with Ina Garten. Being a guest means sharing recipes, stories, asking questions, opening up and eating something delicious together. That's when things really happen. This season, hear from guests like Jon Batiste, Allison Janney, and Hoda Kotb. Listen to Be My Guest with Ina Garten wherever you get your podcasts. Love now and did you fall in love last fella?

[Ruhama Welle]

Love love.

[Liberty Mutual Advertiser]

But stronger than anything for the love love and I love you more than anything.

[Ruhama Welle]

There's the love love

[Anna Martin]

from the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin. This is modern love. I'm 31, which means I am in the thick of my bridesmaid era. By the end of this year, I'll have been a bridesmaid four times, officiated two weddings, and gone to five Bach bachelorette parties. For these weddings and the bachelorettes that come with them, I've traveled to Cabo and Miami and Philly and the Hamptons and a small Korean island called Jeju. I've bought shoes and dresses and purses and makeup, most of which I'll never wear again. And I want to be incredibly clear. I'm lucky to be able to do this. I love my friends. I love celebrating them. I love love. I host the show, but I've been thinking about how much all of this costs us. Of course financially, but also emotionally. Being a bridesmaid comes with a ton of expectations and you're supposed to navigate all of it while saying yes to the bride and smiling for the cameras. I've been thinking about this stuff a lot and so has today's guest, Ruhama Welle. She's written a new book called I hope you elope. It's a bridesmaid survival guide that I think is long overdue but might ruffle some bridal feathers. Rahama told me why she's decided she will never be a bridesmaid again and she has advice if you happen to find yourself in the position of being asked to buy yet another color coordinated pastel satin dress. If you know, you know. Ruhama Welle. Welcome to Modern Love.

[Ruhama Welle]

Thank you, Anna. It's such a great pleasure to be here.

[Anna Martin]

Ruhama. I wanna start by talking about an article you wrote for Glamour magazine a few years ago. It's called to all my friends, this is my bridesmaid resignation letter. Yes. What was in this letter? Whew.

[Ruhama Welle]

There's a lot in the letter. It essentially was my way of publicly saying that I was no longer Gonna be a bridesmaid. I had experience being a bridesmaid for first wave of weddings, as I put it, which it catches most of us in our mid to late 20s. And mine came in post pandemic. I mean, I think the pandemic got a lot of folks in love, and I was all for it. But I came out of the pandemic, and I was slapped with three invitations. Right, Slapped. Okay.

[Anna Martin]

That word choice is very telling.

[Ruhama Welle]

Essentially, I was a bridesmaid three times back to back. It honestly felt overwhelming. And the reason I use overwhelming is because it caught me at a very particular season. I'm single. I am in New York City, an assistant navigating New York City for the first time, also living alone, paying my own bills. No one is financially responsible for room.

[Anna Martin]

You're painting an expensive picture here. It's expensive to live the life you're living.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah. Yeah. So I feel like I got hit with the wave and underestimated what it would all come with. And I think the finances was a big, big part of it.

[Anna Martin]

I want to put, like, a. A number to it too. If you know this off the top of your head, you're saying you did at the time of writing this op ed, this resignation letter. I'm never gonna be a bridesmaid again. You bid a bridesmaid three times in three weddings.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

How much money had you spent on those three weddings?

[Ruhama Welle]

I had spent around in the mid-4000s. And I say that because some people are like. But I'm like, wait for it. I did not attend two bachelorettes and two bridal showers. Right. And if I remember correctly, one was in Palm Springs, one was in Jamaica. And so just sum up what a Jamaica weekend trip would cost. So I look back at it, and I'm like, this could have easily been 7, 8, $9,000 for three weddings at a time where I'm like, I think I was making 60K.

[Anna Martin]

So that mid-4000s number, I'm just, like, saying it back because I'm kind of marveling at it, but also being like, yeah, that. That sounds. In my experience, that sounds about right. Of course, let's acknowledge that this class absolutely plays a role here. Not every bachelorette's gonna cost thousands of dollars, so we can certainly say that. But that's a lot of money. Yes, that's a lot of money.

[Ruhama Welle]

I'm like, that's three months of rent.

[Anna Martin]

You always gotta count it in terms of rent. I'm like, how much rent would this be? It's a lot of rent.

[Liberty Mutual Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

Let's just do like a rundown. Like, what were you asked to pay for as a bridesmaid?

[Ruhama Welle]

So I was asked to pay for the dress, which, mind you, there's the Western wedding dress. Right. If you are having a multi ethnic wedding. And then there are the traditional dresses. Right. Whether you're. I was experiencing both a West African wedding and an East African wedding and what that looks like. Cause I'm also adding a little bit of the logistical emotional nightmare.

[Anna Martin]

Add it on, Add it on. I mean, of course it is. I've had the. Well, you go, you go.

[Ruhama Welle]

Then I'm. No, it's like, it's the way the aunties say it where you're on WhatsApp. Right. Someone is helping coordinate. You're trying to pick the fabric and then. And essentially send your measurements. Right. And you pray. You pray and hope that the measurements translate accordingly.

[Anna Martin]

So you are doing. You are dealing with like bespoke dresses. Because I was gonna say, like, even in my experience, where it's certainly not bespoke, we're like ordering from a business or company or whatever.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

There's this thing that I've been a part of where it's like, okay, we're not all getting the same dress. We're getting different styles of dresses in the same color. So we need to coordinate across, you know, 10 to 13 women, the different styles that work for them. And some people sort of both want the halter top, so we can't do that. So we're gonna have to work that out and. Oh, this color. But actually maybe we're gonna go with this color. And of course, you know, the color might not necessarily be flattering on everyone's skin tone. And in my experience, it's also like, this is all done through a flurry of Google Docs and texts and emails. Like, there's so much coordination. And we are just talking about a dress. The dress, the dress.

[Ruhama Welle]

That's it.

[Anna Martin]

The dress, the dress. Let's talk about the other stuff. I mean, and even before the wedding, let's talk about the bachelorette parties.

[Ruhama Welle]

There's the bachelorette parties, which logistically become a back and forth because we're trying to decide on a city, a location. Then it becomes, is the bride keen on one particular location or is it a bride who's kind of like, let's let everyone throw options, which gets dicey because then it's the loudest. Sort of end up being able to

[Anna Martin]

when you're ending up in Nashville.

[Ruhama Welle]

That's. Thank you. So group dynamics really Plays a part in that. And then it becomes this like split cost.

[Anna Martin]

The split wise.

[Ruhama Welle]

Split wise is. Oh, if I never have to do a split wise ever again because you.

[Anna Martin]

My resignation letter for split wise. Okay, for the uninitiated, this is a, this is a app that allows you to break down a check, but it's like we're split wise in, you know, the multi course meal and then we're split wising to like waters we got. You know what I mean?

[Ruhama Welle]

It's just, it is literally counting nickel and dimes. But you underestimate it because I think there was one or two folks who kind of waited until the tail end of the trip to kind of punch in all the numbers and you're like, ah, I wouldn't have maneuvered a little differently. But now you're like, I owe this. Because they clearly, and mind you, you also don't know what the total is until they've sent it. Cause if someone's like, oh, don't worry about it, we'll do it in the split wise app and they'll go and charge their card. You don't know what that total came out to. So you're, you're processing money in a very delayed fashion and form when it comes to this.

[Anna Martin]

That is such a good point. It's like I come away from these weekends, whatever experiences being like, okay, I think that'll cost like X amount of money. And then I'm always surprised when the final Venmo or whatever comes. So it's, yeah, it's all this cost, but it's also kind of like obfuscated in ways. It's obviously not polite to talk about finances while on the Bachelorette.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

In this time where you were writing this letter and your budget was so tight, did you spend beyond your means? Like, did you? You did?

[Ruhama Welle]

I did. I definitely did. Here's my thing. When I say beyond my means, it's not a I put it on a credit card and got myself into debt. It's more so that I had to take a lot of like financial sacrifices. So I wasn't able to go anywhere and travel outside of that. I had to. It's so funny.

[Anna Martin]

You can take a vacation of your own desire.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah, but that is like the privilege element of it. Right. The other is like, I remember and my best friend knows this where I'm like, it's midnight, but a girly has to trek on the train because I can't afford that 60, $70 Uber to go back home. But in New York City, I Have a rule for myself that at midnight, anytime after a certain time, I will always just Uber myself. Right. And so moments like that, where I'm like, in the grand scheme of things, was that. Was that how I want to.

[Anna Martin]

You know, you're saying that you are thinking of these financial calibrations in terms of, like, even something that just makes you feel comfortable in the city you live in, like, a way that you want to navigate New York for your own sense of safety. You were having to think like, okay, well, should I just walk, or should I take the train? When I normally wouldn't because my budget is so tight because of these weddings. These calculations were very clear to you.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes. I mean, like, limited dinners with friends. Right.

[Anna Martin]

Because of these wedding scenes, like birthday

[Ruhama Welle]

dinners, I'm like, I can't do birthday dinners. The birthday dinner dynamic sort of is like this uncovering of what, like, a full bridesmaid bachelorette experience of itself is, right? Where everybody comes in, everybody has different income levels and statuses, and it's one girly's birthday, and we want to have a great time. And there are the folks who come in, and they're like, entree, appetizer, two cocktails, and just have fun and really are there to enjoy and indulge. And then there's someone who's like, I'm here to support a friend, and I want to be here and be my friend. I'm getting an appetizer, and I'm getting an appetizer because that's truly what I could afford. And then this, and then you're splitting that bill evenly and that.

[Anna Martin]

Mm, sorry I cut you off just because I'm.

[Ruhama Welle]

But that brews so much frustration and resentment. And I know friends who are like, I can't do group dinners anymore. And it's sad because I've heard the other version of the conversation where it's like, well, if you can't afford it and you're gonna be the person who's just coming in for a salad, then, like, don't be there. But I'm like, really?

[Anna Martin]

Well, then we think about the emotional support. This is so. I love this. The birthday dinner as metaphor for the experience of being a bridesmaid.

[Ruhama Welle]

This.

[Anna Martin]

I'm like, yeah, that is exactly it. And you outlined, you know, sort of the. The intricacies of a birthday dinner, and it's not only the cost, it's the emotional negotiation. And this sort of in the group dynamics and the. And the individual relationships are at play, which I think are so important to highlight, is There anything else before we move on from finances that we want to talk about costing for bridesmaids? Then I'm going to move on to emotional costs. But I'm like, we have to be missing something. No, we're.

[Ruhama Welle]

Oh, my gosh, we're missing so much travel. Travel to the wedding, Accommodation at the wedding, destination wedding.

[Anna Martin]

Travel to an accommodation at the bachelorette. Destination weddings. Yep, yep.

[Ruhama Welle]

And some folks end up contributing to the bridal shower. Right. If family is not coming in.

[Anna Martin]

Oh, my gosh, that bridal shower. Yeah, yeah, I forgot about that.

[Ruhama Welle]

So bridal showers very much a thing. I think people also forget the beauty element of it. It's like, you know, the girlies gotta get waxed. The girlies got to get their eyebrows threaded and get a little facial. And so there's also, like, additional haircut nails done. I'm not.

[Anna Martin]

I'm pale. I'm pale. I'm pale. I need a weekend spray tan.

[Ruhama Welle]

It's a work that you've got cameras and videos on you at all times, so you want to look your best. You want. And there's always the prep work that we do in that lead up. I think people forget about the fits for the bachelorette as well. Sometimes you're required to do matching fits.

[Anna Martin]

Like, wait, we have not talked about.

[Ruhama Welle]

We barely scratched the spot.

[Anna Martin]

Outfits on the bachelorette. Let's talk about that. Because there is, of course, again, there is a range. I've been to some bachelorettes where there's not a dress code in sight.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

I've been to other bachelorettes where it is outfit, I guess, recommendations, but not really. It's like requirements for each event speak on these matching outfits.

[Ruhama Welle]

I mean, it. I mean, it starts with the dress, and then it goes all the way to the bachelorette of it all. Um, here's the thing. I. I love a good themed party and a good themed celebration. If you were saying, like, on Friday night, we're going to this fancy dinner spot in Miami. Let's all wear black. Bride's gonna wear what? That's an easy. Like, most of us have a black. A little black dress in our. In our closet. So that I don't think is the issue. I think when it comes down, I need you in this swimsuit that's this particular brand, and it's gonna have lettering that says the hashtag. And whatever the hashtag is for the clothes.

[Anna Martin]

Or the husband's face.

[Ruhama Welle]

Or the husband's face. And then now we're down these rabbit holes of more cost, more spend. And then it becomes a. I need you in neon for this day. And you're like, I don't have neon.

[Anna Martin]

And I. I understand you in floral. I said, I don't have that, but I now need to buy it.

[Ruhama Welle]

There you go.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah. It raises my stress level.

[Ruhama Welle]

It raises my stress level because thinking about it.

[Anna Martin]

Thinking about it. And there's a dual thing here, too, which I wonder. I wonder if you experienced when you wrote this op ed, which is. I'm saying all this, and it's very emotionally true for me. And I'm also in the back of my mind being like, God, But I don't want to sound like I don't love my friends.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

I don't want to sound like a bad friend, not a good supporter. I mean, female friendship is, like, one of the core tenants of my life, you know? And I. I don't want to seem ungrateful for that, but this is the kind of psychic knot we find ourselves in where it does feel financially and emotionally tough.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah. And I think. I think you've hit it. And here's the thing. I have been seeing this ongoing Internet battle of. Even around the wedding and the bridesmaid conversation, where, folks, boundaries is, like, our favorite word these days. Right. And the other side of the argument is, like, what happens to showing up for the people that we love and community and friends? And yes. Like, yes, for a season, it might require you to do the most, but it is just for a season. And I hit two points on that right. In the book. One is, like, you say that, but it is very much a revolving door for women, because by the age of 27, the average woman is expected to be asked to be a bridesmaid three times. Right.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Ruhama Welle]

And the amount of people that I've talked to, they're like, oh, three is nothing. I've been a bridesmaid nine, 11 times. I'm like, oh, like, how does that happen? How many friends?

[Anna Martin]

Revolving door. It keeps. But it's the. So.

[Ruhama Welle]

And the revolving door of asks, right. It's not of just, like, how many times I'm being asked to be a bridesmaid, but it's like, what am I being asked even in one role for one wedding? It's. It's a revolving door of so many asks. And I think weddings have really lost the plot. And that really comes down to social media. That comes down to Pinterest. Right. All these components that have really built this recipe of a melting pot of what the wedding industrial complex is now, which is something that is very visible to the world. A union of two, I think was a lot more intimate than it is playing out now. And so all these nuances hit the bride, hit her for the first time, and you're watching your girly navigate something, which I always sum it down to. I'm like, she's producing a huge event. And nine out of 10 times, she's probably never produced an event before. And I speak from a career experience of producing events and being like, whew, I don't know.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Ruhama Welle]

And they're doing that while juggling a nine to five. Right. And then there's that trickle down effect, which is whatever stressor is hitting the bride, it's ultimately going to hit the. The bridesmaid. And I think people underestimate that element about it.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, you're so it's like, well, I guess weddings were always events, but it's like eventify with a capital E. You know what I mean? It's like a. Yeah, it's so much, at least in my experience, it's an outward kind of performance. And of course, there are very authentic feelings. But, yeah, the performance aspect is good to note. I want to go back to this letter. It's like, why did this particular moment that you wrote this letter, published it, why did it feel like your breaking point? What had tipped over the edge of the.

[Ruhama Welle]

For me, by the third wedding, like, finishing off the third wedding and coming back to New York and being like, yeah, I didn't enjoy any of this. And there were pockets and moments of the wedding and seeing the people that I love find their partner, like, celebrating that I enjoyed. But I was like, there was too many nuances where I didn't feel like myself or I compromised myself. So I feel like it wasn't from a place of bitterness, but from a place of clarity. I wanted to show up for my friends differently. So I thought for me, it was writing the piece was partly me processing that shift. Right. But also, if I'm being honest, it was a way of making it real. There was something about putting a boundary in writing that makes it harder to walk away from, you know? And I knew that if I had just said it to a few friends, another friend could convince me into being a bridesmaid or I backtrack on it. And so I was like, once it's on there and it's public, I'm so. I'm serious. I am never being a bridesmaid again. And it wasn't just a personal story. It was something a lot of people were living through quietly, which I think women continue to do that, Right? Especially in friendships.

[Anna Martin]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Ruhama Welle]

Which is overextend ourselves and just slap love, loyalty, and support around it.

[Anna Martin]

Stay with us.

[Ruhama Welle]

Okay, I have to tell you, I was just looking on ebay, where I go for all kinds of things I love. And there it was. That hologram trading card.

[Love's Rewards Advertiser]

One of the rarest.

[Anna Martin]

The last one I needed for my set. Shiny like the designer handbag of my dreams. One of a kind. Ebay had it. And now everyone's asking, ooh, where'd you

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get your windshield wipers? Ebay has all the parts that fit my car.

[Anna Martin]

No more noise, just beautiful. Millions of finds, each with a story.

[Ruhama Welle]

EBay, things people love.

[Liberty Mutual Advertiser]

And, Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual, even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Anna Martin]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[Love's Rewards Advertiser]

Oh, no.

[Liberty Mutual Advertiser]

We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Liberty Mutual Advertiser]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Ruhama Welle]

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

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[Anna Martin]

So we talked about the financial cost, and we've also spoken. I want to go a bit deeper into the emotional lift required very often of bridesmaids. And, you know, this was really driven home in your letter, your resignation letter, and in your book where you talk about one specific friendship where your experience at the wedding really caused a strain on the friendship.

[Ruhama Welle]

Can you.

[Anna Martin]

Can you tell me that story? Ooh, yeah.

[Ruhama Welle]

So, essentially, best friend, who I navigated undergrad with, met freshman year, and as anyone can say about those are very much like, beautiful years of a lot of unlearning, a lot of discovery. And I think we grew up into adulthood together. So there was just that beautiful sort of core understanding of, like, this person has seen me in the lows and has seen me in the highs. Right?

[Anna Martin]

Mm.

[Ruhama Welle]

I think the nuance of her wedding that sort of was different from the other two. Was that her?

[Anna Martin]

This is one of the three. This is the.

[Ruhama Welle]

It was one of the three.

[Anna Martin]

One of three that you had. Gotcha.

[Ruhama Welle]

The traditional was Separated from the western white by a year. So it meant travel happening twice, costs happening separately. Right.

[Anna Martin]

Two different ceremonies.

[Ruhama Welle]

Two different ceremonies. And so the first one, west coast, which was the traditional, very backyard esque wedding. I think 50 tops, is how many folks it was. Friends were truly just bridal party. Anybody outside of bridal party was family and intimate. Small, very intimate. No dress code. It was like spring wear, some traditional wear. And she was like, would you, can you do my makeup? I was like, absolutely. You trust me to do your face for your big day? And she's like, it's. That's, that's how much this is very much like, you know, I was able to show up a few days early to like help set up. And so yet again, trying to find ways to be able to support in the ways that I can.

[Anna Martin]

It sounds intimate. It sounds not as Instagrammy to use it. You know, it doesn't sound as.

[Ruhama Welle]

Oh, it wasn't Instagrammed at all. At all. She didn't even Instagram it at all. When I tell you that gives you that like photos probably never made it to the Internet. Like, it was very intimate. And it wasn't like a nobody post. But like, that wasn't how she was moving. That wasn't the goal.

[Anna Martin]

That wasn't the focus.

[Ruhama Welle]

We did utilize that weekend to prep for the western wedding of it all. Gotcha. So she went dress shopping. We tagged along. I think we all teared up.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, I know. I know that feeling. I mean, there is. There's something that overtakes you. It's like, it's full body. It's like, oh, my God.

[Ruhama Welle]

And I'm a crier. I'm a crier.

[Anna Martin]

I'm a crier.

[Ruhama Welle]

I'm a cry now.

[Anna Martin]

It's like, you know, just remembering this. I sat with my sister, with him. It's like, oh, my God, I love you. You are so beautiful. I'm so happy to be here with you for this.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah. And we were able to also, which I think the beauty of how she handled this, I commend her for it at the time. And it was, let's all in person go and try on dresses and find one. Because she was very much the person.

[Anna Martin]

I like these dresses.

[Ruhama Welle]

Wow.

[Anna Martin]

That's really nice too. That has never happened for me before. Yeah.

[Ruhama Welle]

And for her it was because she wanted us all in the same style color. It was like, let's all collectively agree. Let's have everybody try it on. We went, tried it on and all ultimately decided on a dress that we all felt great in Did I love the dress? No. But I was like, ah. Did I get like, did I. Was I able to participate to some capacity? Absolutely. Totally.

[Anna Martin]

And will you ever love a bridesmaid dress? I'd say probably not. But if you feel like it's passable, even, you know, the color's okay, I feel like that's a win.

[Ruhama Welle]

Exactly.

[Anna Martin]

And the fact that you guys did it as a collective.

[Ruhama Welle]

Exactly.

[Anna Martin]

It does just seem like in a lot of these elements, she's kind of doing it differently than other weddings. Okay. You have this traditional ceremony that's low key from everything you're telling me, very collaborative, pretty relaxed. And then a year later you have this western wedding. Tell me about that. When it came time for that, what was that like?

[Ruhama Welle]

So in the buildup to that, I remember the maid of honor being like, hey, no pressure right now to buy the dress. When we were trying on dresses, you'll get essentially a text from me since this is not for another year out.

[Anna Martin]

Sure.

[Ruhama Welle]

I'll let you know when to order and we'll go from there. We're like, great, sounds good. And I remember receiving a text in the lead up from the maid of honor being like, hey, ladies, time to order the dress. And there was like a small note that essentially said, small change of plans. Here's like the new style. Right. And in my mind I was like, there's no way it was like anything drastically different from what we had initially all agreed on.

[Anna Martin]

Cause you all tried it on together. Yeah. Oh, it was.

[Ruhama Welle]

So if I remember correctly, like, it had sort of like that tank top, square neckline is what we decided on. And this one right here, like complete high neck.

[Anna Martin]

That is a very different silhouette.

[Ruhama Welle]

I felt like a five year old in a like flower girl dress. But for an adult, like, that's essentially how that dress is completely constructed.

[Anna Martin]

And you hadn't tried it on. So. And these are again.

[Ruhama Welle]

And the color had changed as well. It went from like a burnt orange to a cinnamon. And even though the color change wasn't drastic, that undertone was completely different than what we had initially tried on. And it's funny because it's the group dynamic, the group chat of it all, where you're sitting there and you're like, is someone gonna say something? Like, what was the point of all that? Like, what was the point of talking about?

[Anna Martin]

Did anyone say anything?

[Ruhama Welle]

No one said anything. It just chucks up to the whole. I guess this is the style that she wants and it's her day, so what she Wants is. What she wants is, you know, I

[Anna Martin]

understand why no one would want to text like, hey, bride, can you explain this change? Because it feels inappropriate. This is her day and, you know, what she says goes. So the group chat remains silent. The dress is different.

[Ruhama Welle]

So the dress was different. But like I said, the same way. I didn't speak out in that text message conversation. I was like, girl, this is a different color than we expected. And even then, she didn't say anything. And so I was like, we'll make it work. Of course, had to pay for tailoring and alterations, and I think that probably cost me 80 bucks. And then in the lead up to the wedding, I remember we just had like a small, quick chat, which she was like, hey, Ru, what's the plan for your hair for my wedding? And I had it naturally curly at the time. And I was like, oh, probably something like this. She was like, oh, great. That was the end of that conversation. Only reason I remember it is because I had to kind of look back in hindsight and be like, wait, what happened? What went wrong? And I want to say, probably a few weeks before the wedding, we get a share notes app, similar to, like, how people would utilize a Google Doc, which is like, here's all the things you need to know, ladies. But like, at your fingertips, which is, here's all the addresses, here's all the

[Anna Martin]

timings, the big doc. I've gotten many of them. The big doc.

[Ruhama Welle]

So it's like you have no. There's no questions because all the answers are in the shared notes app. And it says, you got it. So the part that I saw it, I glanced through it, did not even think through it was this hair piece, which was essentially saying, here's the do's and don'ts for hair, which was like, no slick back. She clearly slicked back bun, ponytail, no braids. Like, she really wanted it to be either down or half up. Half down. Like, that's what she wanted the hair to be. And then it said, preferably lean into your natural textures. And then of course, wanted it curly. Right. My mind, I was like, it's going to be down, it's going to be curly. All is well.

[Anna Martin]

Gotcha. And I want to just pause too, in case anyone like these kinds of stipulations, whatever you want to call it, that's not rare. In my experience, like, I have had these docs contain, like, your shoes should. Should not look like this. They should look like this. Your hair. Yeah, no slick back, like, but also no down. Yeah, it's really extreme front, really detailed,

[Ruhama Welle]

very detailed down to nail color. Red nude shoes. Open toe versus closed toe versus, like, don't come in with six inch stilettos because you might be taller than, like, where we have you standing. So there are so many nuances that people forget about.

[Anna Martin]

And because you'd had so many of these, I understand why you'd look at that in the Notes app. And you're already looking at the time I have to be at the makeup. And it's 7am and so you. You're like, okay.

[Ruhama Welle]

And then here comes the little left turn that I made, which was essentially that I extended my LA trip to the west coast. And that essentially anytime I'm traveling for long periods of time, especially over a week, a girly does not want to take so many products and pack all that. So in my mind I was like, she wants it down, she wants it curly. Let me straighten my hair and then I'll curl it. Did not think twice about it. And I remember sitting at the dress rehearsal the night before, and we were in the church, and I kid you not, one of the bridesmaids sitting next to me, which it's hysterical at this point, and it's all love. But it was just like dynamics and tension had happened and fallout had happened post undergrad. But the beauty of truly, that wedding that happened the year prior was the first.

[Anna Martin]

The traditional ceremony was us really coming

[Ruhama Welle]

together and being like, we're grown women. We're here celebrating someone that we all truly love. And we kind of fell back to old ways and catching old jokes, right? Running down memory lane. And so she felt comfortable to be like, ru, are you getting preferential treatment? And I was like, come again?

[Anna Martin]

Like, about what?

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah, thank you. And she was like, your hair, it's not supposed to be straightened.

[Anna Martin]

And I.

[Ruhama Welle]

This is where sometimes I operate in Delulu, because just being observational, both of them were very much in their natural state of hair, right? Which, like, not to get into the dynamics, but, like, as black women, not everyone is going fully natural when it comes to, like, gala style events and moments. And so I remember being like, wait, did I do something wrong? And she was like. Cause I was like, I clearly missed a memo. Like, there was clearly a gap. And she was like, we were told we couldn't straighten our hair. She wanted it natural. Natural. And I was like, oh, oh.

[Anna Martin]

And you thought back to the note and you were like, shit.

[Ruhama Welle]

I didn't even think back to that note in that moment. I was like, what? And I'm like, Where is this notes app? Like, did I read it wrong? Because I remember I just. All I took was curly, either half up, half down, or down. And I was like, and I'm hitting those notes. Right, Right.

[Anna Martin]

It was straightened, but then you had curled, so it was curly. Essentially, this bridesmaid's thing was like, did you get special dispensation to straighten your hair and then curl it as opposed to having it natural?

[Ruhama Welle]

Because they were told that they couldn't straighten their hair. But also, I learned that because they were also asking questions that clearly, I wasn't asking questions. Right. Like, they were probing to be like, let's, like, just to triple check what we read is correct. Like, is this what you want? And so they got that clarification for me. The clarification, I guess, happened on my birthday when she had asked and she had checked it. She's like, oh, I don't need to have this conversation with Rue, because she's usually natural and curly.

[Anna Martin]

So when you are, like, kind of playfully, but also sort of not playfully called out for not doing this thing.

[GoFundMe Narrator]

Right.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

Or with the bride, how the bride wanted, Yes, I can put myself in your shoes. And I would feel really bad.

[Ruhama Welle]

Oh, I. I felt like, shit. People, please are here. Right? And so that's when. When the dress rehearsal ended and we were about to go to dinner, I was like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna chat with her. And so they followed with the bride. With the bride. Caught her in the. In the parking lot. And I was like, hey, boo, did I. Did I do something wrong? And the conversation was so quick. The response was so quick. But it was. When I tell you that conversation, like, lingered, because it was a quick no ru. Like, it was not supposed to be straightened. And she was like, can we now go to dinner? And that was the end of that. Right. And it wasn't coming across as, like, there was no, like, attitude or anything. She was just like, yeah, you missed the memo. But, like, can we keep pushing? Because, like, what are we about to do? Sit here and have a conversation about hair? Like, that's, I think, what she was trying to come across. And in that moment, I was like, oh. Cause now I'm okay. So then I proceed to go to the car, and then it becomes this, like, unraveling of me processing everything.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah. What were you processing? Like, bring me into your mind. Because ostensibly, if you hear that conversation, you might be like, okay, that doesn't seem maybe so intense, but there's clearly emotional weight here. So tell me about that. What was that?

[Ruhama Welle]

I think what I was hoping in that parking lot is I really wish I got sort of just that quick. Girl. Yes. That's not how your hair is supposed to be. But it's irrelevant. You're here. Like, that's all that matters. I love you. Like, let's move on, right? I think if I got some kind of affirmation that it was not a big deal or it was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, because I'm like, child, if I told you how much I spent to be here now for the second time, I get it. And like. And it's like this conversation just left me feeling even more confused. Like, where was the miscommunication? And like, damn, this made me feel like shit. But, like, I don't think her intention was to make me feel like shit.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Ruhama Welle]

And I washed out my hair for the next day. And it's not to, like, add insult to injury, but it's when you have your hair straightened and you try to bring back your curl patterns within less than 24 hours, it takes a minute. The volume is not the same. So in the grand scheme of things, did a girl feel like a baddie on top of that neckline? Like, on top of that neckline? I was like, no, I'm sorry. I felt like a five year old. And in the cinnamon. No, I felt like a five year old at that wedding. To the point where people Wait. To the point where people were saying no. Just even in this, like, press tour of this book, I'm like, no one's gonna see daylight of these photos.

[Anna Martin]

You're like, that's not.

[Ruhama Welle]

I'm like, I don't feel like myself all the way in it. Which is so sad to say, because that was her goal. And I found that out so late in the game when we were sort of having.

[Anna Martin]

Her goal was for you to feel like yourself.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

I'm taking all this in because, again, it's like. It's like we were saying with the dress. It's about the dress. And it's not about the dress. It's about the hair. And it's not about the hair. When you were in the car having this emotional reaction to your friend's comment, which, as you're saying, was not said in any kind of, like, dismiss. It was just. It was short. Yeah, it was. Yeah. You didn't. You know that wasn't right. I didn't ask for that or whatever the exact words are. But this. This was. So this was emotional for you because.

[Ruhama Welle]

And she didn't ask me to wash out my hair. Right. Like, I.

[Anna Martin]

She didn't ask you. It's important, but it's because. And what I'm hearing you say is it's because it put the emphasis on the hair. Right. As opposed to the friendship, the love, the support.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

And so you tell. But it sounds like it felt like, huh, Is all this other stuff I've done, all this love, all these years of for real, like, hair.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

Is that how it felt?

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah. And I sort of started hitting on it, which is when we finally had sort of, like, the unraveling and getting to the root of the conversation. She kind of took it back to freshman year undergrad days, which was like, remember that? Like, we struggled to be fully natural, and then we had to go through that journey together. And, like, she practically shaved her head, and I chopped it all the way, like, right below my ears and learned essentially, how to navigate our curls together. And that was such a beautiful journey. And for her, this was, like, a celebration of it. But none of that was communicated. And I was like, child, if you had told me all this, I would have shut up. And I don't think she's trying to be a bad friend. And I don't think she's a bad friend. I didn't process this as her being a bad friend. It really. I think, if anything, solidified for me that I was like, none of this. Like, being in this role, experiencing any of this, made me feel great about myself. So I have to kind of take myself out of this. And that's where I was. Like, now I feel like I can for sure say, I don't want to be a bridesmaid again.

[Anna Martin]

There you go.

[Ruhama Welle]

Not because of the hair of it all, but it was more so of just being able to say this role puts me in a position where I feel like I can't even be my full self, let alone vocalize my boundaries. So maybe choosing not to participate is probably the move moving forward. Cause I clearly felt there was no moment even where she was like, girl, I'm your best friend. Why couldn't you tell me in all these moments that you were feeling this or you couldn't afford this? And I was like, I couldn't. I don't know. Like, it felt like someone had put a duct tape over my mouth. But it's because when you're in these group dynamics, when everybody has said it is her moment, her day, her season, and you're telling us in the ways you want us to pour in and champion you and support you in this time. I'm like, I just was, okay. That's what she wants.

[Anna Martin]

Yes. I mean, the duct tape imagery is really. It's like you couldn't say something because the boundaries of the role do not encourage that kind of dialogue. That could be seen as pushback. And it's interesting because it's like, in this moment of you going through this experience, washing out your hair, showing up to this wedding in a way that didn't make you feel physically great or even, like, emotionally yourself, that's when you come back. That's when you decide to write that resignation letter.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

Did your friend read it, and how did she react? If so, whew.

[Ruhama Welle]

So she said something that kind of, like, really stuck with me, which is Rue. I thought we were close enough. And she was like, I guess when you think about a friendship, there's two POVs, right? Like, there's the version where there's the relationship that you see and the relationship that she sees. And for her, she was like, I thought, you can come to me at any time of, like, anything I like, we're experiencing. If I've in any shape and form made you uncomfortable. I always just figured Rue would be vocal about it because we have that friendship.

[Anna Martin]

Sure.

[Ruhama Welle]

But there is. I mean, there's huge learnings from it in the sense of being able to really. Because I'm like. She had a point. If. If you say this is somebody that you're super close to and someone you are yourself around and someone who knows the darkest secrets of yours, I'm like, those people that I can confidently say the same for. I can probably, in real time be like, girly. This is not sitting well with me. Can we take a beat and take a pause? And I'm sure that a lot of folks can say that for their best friends in their core community. I still think that there is something about weddings that really just silence us up in a way where you don't know until you're in it. And you're like, ooh, yes.

[Anna Martin]

Do you still maintain that you will not be a bridesmaid anymore?

[Ruhama Welle]

Absolutely. Oh, my gosh. I'm like, I would never put myself through that again. And it's funny because people are like, what if your sister asks you?

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, well, that's my question. Yeah.

[Ruhama Welle]

And she's very much like, you do not have to worry about me. I will be the girly who doesn't have bridesmaids. Right. And I feel like there is a little bit of that wave coming about. I Don't imagine having bridesmaids myself.

[Anna Martin]

And that was one of my last questions. But you answered it.

[Ruhama Welle]

Now, there you go. I will. No, I will not have bridesmaids. But there is a part in the book that I write and I say, I'm not above this right when I tell you I am sure if you give a mic to any of my close friends and sister and cousins, they'd be like, she's a fraud in the sense that I am so big on weddings. Like, I was the girl.

[Anna Martin]

Interesting.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes, I know, I know.

[Anna Martin]

So you don't like being a bridesmaid, but you do love weddings. And this is why humans are so amazing, is cause they're full of apparent contradictions.

[Ruhama Welle]

Ah, yes, we're complex.

[Anna Martin]

We'll be right back.

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[Anna Martin]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

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[Anna Martin]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

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[Ruhama Welle]

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

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[GoFundMe Narrator]

My name is Mackenzie and I started a GoFundMe for the adoptive mother of a non verbal autistic child. The mother had lost her job because she wasn't able to find adequate care for this autistic child. So she really needed some help with living expenses, paying some back bills. So I launched a GoFundMe to help support them during this crisis. And we raised about $10,000 within just a couple of months. I think that the surprising thing was by telling a clear story and just like really being very clear about what we needed, we had some really generous donations from people who were really moved by the situation that this family was struggling with.

[Ruhama Welle]

GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform trusted by over 200 million million people. Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this podcast is supported by GoFundMe.

[Anna Martin]

What do you love about weddings.

[Ruhama Welle]

Okay. I mean, I blame media, television. It's just the things that, you know, has just been sort of engraved in us at a very early age. Whether it's the Disney princesses, the coming to America, the tlc. Right. The four weddings. Like, it's so funny because I look back and I'm like, I really was treating my friends weddings as like, four weddings. Because I was like, ah, it's like a great example of how to know what to do, what not to do.

[Anna Martin]

But it's like, these weddings meant something to you.

[Ruhama Welle]

Absolutely.

[Anna Martin]

They meant something beyond the what do they mean? Like, why were you drawn to them?

[Ruhama Welle]

I mean, we as women, I definitely look at relationship and life differently now. But at the time, I always. I think the biggest core belief that I have is, like, who you choose to spend the rest of your life with is, like, one of the biggest decisions you will make. Right. And so when you think back to, like, high school, the girly moments of, like, wanting your. Your friends and the people that you love to find that. Right. And then when they find it in a way where you're just like, oh, this is their person.

[Anna Martin]

You are into weddings because, oh, I'm a helpless romantic.

[Ruhama Welle]

I love love.

[Anna Martin]

Yes, you're into love. Which might not sound so radical. It's like, yeah, duh, weddings are about love. But it's like your book and your resignation letter and this conversation have showed that there are all these layers of other stuff that's wrapping this core of the event, which is love.

[Ruhama Welle]

Right.

[Anna Martin]

And so you cannot wanna be a bridesmaid, but still feel so drawn and committed and in love with the love of a wedding. Okay. I wanna, like, I feel you've spent so much time immersed in this topic, both personally and now professionally. You've written this book called I Hope youe Elope. In this book, you have a bunch of tips and advice for people.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

So if someone gets asked to be a bridesmaid, what should they ask themselves before saying yes? Oof.

[Ruhama Welle]

They have several questions to ask themselves. I think one is really being honest about their capacity. Whether that is just strictly, do you have the pto? Right. And also understanding the season you're in. Cause life stressors happen. Like, are you in a career transition? Are you out of a job? Are you about to have a baby? There's so many nuances that you have to consider for yourself. And then truly asking yourself financially, are you able to take this on? You need to have your gap and your grace. Right. If you are telling yourself, I Can come in and spend 250 on a bridesmaid dress. What is also that wiggle room that you have to either go up 100, go up 50, and that is your boundary. And once you calculate the full cost after kind of running through everything, you can then be like, okay, I can probably participate as a bridesmaid. I just probably can't tap into a bachelorette, especially if it's a destination one. Then that sort of sets you up to be able to have these honest conversations up front. Right. When you do say yes. And there is something of how our culture has made the bridesmaid proposal of it all. Whether that is a phone call, a text that you just automatically. A basket, a proposal box. Right. That you are automatically gonna say yes if the ass comes to you. Right?

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

It doesn't feel like there's an option to say no.

[Ruhama Welle]

We are literally told that there's no option to say no. Because on the flip side of saying no is that friendship is completely over after the fact. Right. That is just the assumption. That's what's sort of brewing under. But you were not supposed to be showing up as a bridesmaid for every single person that asks you to be a bridesmaid. Because in the same ways that there is that nuance of, like, showing up for somebody you haven't talked to in a long time, you're also asking, why are they asking you to be a bridesmaid? Right. Are they just filling in this, like, fifth person spot that they need because their partner has a fifth person as well. And so now you're feeling resentment and frustration on a whole, whole nother level because, why am I doing this? Why are you doing this for somebody who honestly just needed you as a placeholder and you fortunately, boo, boo the fool, like, said yes because no. I have to be so real in that of being able to say, like, if it was even difficult in some moments for me showing up for the people that are, like, top tier, my community and my core friends and family. I can't imagine what you're feeling for somebody. You're like, they're asking me to spend a thousand dollars, and I haven't talked to them in years.

[Anna Martin]

If you run the numbers, like you're saying, and not only numbers, you weigh the financial costs very specifically. You think about the emotional costs where you are in your life, like you said, in terms of stress. Can we add this other emotional lift on top if you do all those things? And the answer that you arrive at is, I actually can't do this. I don't have the capacity. I'm not able. How do you recommend that someone do this thing we're told you cannot do, which is say no. Turn down this invitation.

[Ruhama Welle]

I mean, I think the best way to say no is to do it early and do it clearly and make it about what's real. Right? Not what sounds nice. Right. Sometimes it's, I love you and I'm so honored you asked me, but I need to be honest that I can't be a bridesmaid in the way this role requires or the season really requires. And then you say what that is. Right. Whether that's financially, boo. This is literally where I'm at, or logistically or, you know, I'm juggling family stuff right now. Especially, like, being responsible for so and so's health. And like, when the truth comes in. Right. Like the specifics matter. Especially when it's a close friend asking you to stand next to her on one of the biggest days of her life. Because a vague no can feel more hurtful than an honest one. Right? Yeah. And then give her. I would say, give her truly, like, something true to hold onto. Right. And I say that to say, like, I still want to celebrate you, be there for the wedding and support you in a way I can actually show up well for. Right?

[Anna Martin]

So it's like, I really like that because it's actionable. It's. Respond early, don't delay because you feel bad or because you're. So respond as early as possible so potential replacement can be found if needed. Although we just kind of talked about problems with that. But so respond early, be specific and honest because, you know, this is. It's not a secret. You know why you can't do it. So be honest. And then you're saying too. What was the last thing you were saying? Be honest and specific.

[Ruhama Welle]

And then also just the way I worded it was like, give them something. Something true she can hold onto. Right? Because I think saying no and just letting her sit with that is like a. Oof.

[Anna Martin]

Like, give her a different way that, like, propose a different way that you are able to show up. And I like those. I mean, let's think too, about some actual. So it's going to the fitting, obviously, being at the wedding, maybe it's even like you and I. I don't know. I' now spitballing here, but it's like, maybe we go for. For dinner and I buy you dinner. That is different than, like, I don't know, to celebrate just you and me.

[Ruhama Welle]

This is like, we could do a spa date together. And, like, whenever, like, you tell me a date, and we can do a spa date, my treat. And it could essentially be when it feels like the stressors are really kicking in. I will be your reprieve for you. Right?

[Anna Martin]

And why don't I come to your hair and makeup trial? Cause you always need another set of eyes to let you know if that cat eyes too much. You know what I mean? It's like, I really like that. It's. It's. Here's this other way that I feel like I have the capacity to show up for you. Let's say if someone is. Runs all the numbers, runs the emotional cost as well, says, okay, yes, I do want to do this. I'm excited to do this.

[Ruhama Welle]

Does it?

[Anna Martin]

And things start to feel tricky on the Bachelorette or with a dress or with something, like, in the moment, you've already said yes, you've committed, and things start to feel weird. What are some ways that we can deescalate that don't include, like, crying in your room in the Hampton Inn Suites? Like, what's a. How can we deescalate?

[Ruhama Welle]

So anytime you're already deep in the role and you are noticing things sort of piling up, this is very much the moment to be able to then say, very similar to the first advice. Speak. And speak early.

[Anna Martin]

And scary, though.

[Ruhama Welle]

Very scary. And I think this is why I'm like, I truly hope that this book sort of gives people sort of this, like, shield. Because I'm like, once people start talking, hopefully it becomes a little bit of the norm to be able to say, hey, can we pause for a second? I love you, and I want to be able to continue showing up for you and supporting you. I cannot afford tomorrow's yacht adventure. I'm gonna sit this one out. Tell me how that, like, how does. How do you feel about that? Can we just, like, sort of approach it as if it is a dialogue? You don't wanna come in with, like, hard no's. Just be like, hey, I didn't expect this to come at me the way it has. Financially, I've been able to keep up up until this point, but right now, that's gonna just throw me a little over the edge, you know, I can't swipe that credit card and go into debt for a yacht, although I love you. And just, like, there's, like, humor and, like, reality that can all kind of overlap and coexist. And I think true friends will just come back and be, like, girly. I hear You. If you wanna sit it out, sit it out. If not, there is. I think people also underestimate the world of, like, if the bride can afford it, she'd be like, say less. I can cover that. I have heard of stories where it's like, I just wear the dress and show up. I don't need you to be anywhere else. I don't need you to pay for anything else. Just wear the dress and show up.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah. I mean, it does strike me that there's a real importance of obviously approaching and this is kind of like in any conflict.

[Ruhama Welle]

Right.

[Anna Martin]

But in this context, it really does feel kind of radical to me because of it is so breaking the norm of not speaking up. So it's approach early, lead with compassion

[Ruhama Welle]

and truth and timing and tone are everything. Right. Like, you don't call her unreasonable. Like, you name what's not working. Right. You don't go in and be like child. You are the issue. You say, I love you. And I want this issue. I want this to feel good for everyone. But this part feels like a lot. Can we find a version that's more realistic? Whether that's you posing it to change the entire group activity or if that's cause you'd be surprised. Once one person chimes in, then another person's like, okay, I was thinking the same thing. Right.

[Anna Martin]

This is what I'm gonna say. It's like opening a little, like, the conversation you're starting with this article in your book and hopefully even this conversation too. I think it, like, opens a little window and lets in a little air.

[Ruhama Welle]

It does.

[Anna Martin]

And I do think there will be a kind of, I hope, like a domino effect in the best way. Not of people declining these things willy nilly, but being able to accept this role of a bridesmaid in a full, excited, loving way, that is within their means, right? Absolutely. That allows them to be themselves in this role.

[Ruhama Welle]

Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

Ruhama Wele, thank you so much for this conversation.

[Ruhama Welle]

Thank you, Anna. What a pleasure. I'm like, truly one of my favorite conversations I've had in a minute.

[Anna Martin]

If you'd like to read Ruhama's bridesmaid resignation letter, we'll have the link in our show notes. The Modern Love team is Davis Land, Elisa Gutierrez, Lynn Levy, Reeva Goldberg, and Sarah Curtis. This episode was produced by Sarah Curtis and Reva Goldberg. It was edited by Lynn Levy. Our mix engineer was Daniel Ramirez. Original music in this episode by rowan Nimisto, Pat McCusker and Dan Powell. Dan also composed our theme music. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. And Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. If you'd like to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got the instructions in our show Notes. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.

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[Anna Martin]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

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[Anna Martin]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

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[Ruhama Welle]

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