Thanksgiving With My Wife and Girlfriend

Summary

Modern Love Podcast: "Thanksgiving With My Wife and Girlfriend"

Host: Anna Martin
Guest: Townsend Davis
Release Date: November 20, 2024
Podcast: Modern Love by The New York Times

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Introduction to Townsend and Bridget's Marriage

Anna Martin opens the episode by recounting the unconventional wedding of Townsend Davis and his wife Bridget.

Anna Martin [00:49]:
"When Townsend Davis and his wife Bridget got married, their wedding honestly sounded like one of the wackiest I've ever heard of. First off, Bridget was five months pregnant. She arrived via speedboat, since the wedding was on a lake. She was barefoot and wearing a dress that had been made just the day before."

Townsend adds a personal touch to the story, highlighting Bridget's spontaneous nature and his own feelings during the wedding.

Townsend Davis [00:49]:
"I remember her stepping off the boat, running up the dock to the ceremony, and feeling like everything was just so right."

Bridget's Personality and Their Life Together

Bridget was characterized by her laid-back approach to life, contrasting Townsend's more structured demeanor.

Townsend Davis [03:14]:
"She was very much about not sweating the small stuff. Did not make the kids make their bed or learn a sport or learn an instrument. She just wanted to have as many friends in the house and sleepovers, you know, at the drop of a hat."

Bridget's creative side emerged later in life when she began drawing cartoons, providing a new avenue for her expression and a source of joy for the family.

Townsend Davis [03:41]:
"One day my son was taking paper lunch bags to lunch in third grade and she scrawled with a Sharpie, a little cartoon figure. I think it was of my son as a bird, like, just cool."

Early Signs of Alzheimer's

Their marriage thrived for nearly a decade filled with Thanksgiving dinners and family moments until Bridget began exhibiting signs that were out of character.

Townsend Davis [06:34]:
"I noticed that she was slipping in terms of her executive function... managing a calendar, managing the kids' after school activities... seemed out of character."

Initial attempts to explain Bridget's behavior suggested possible late-onset ADHD, which Bridget humorously dismissed through her cartoons.

Townsend Davis [06:34]:
"In the cartoon, I'm this bumbling moose doctor who's telling her that she has ADHD and she's basically laughing it off."

The Diagnosis Journey

The couple's concerns led them to seek medical help, culminating in Bridget's diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer's after a series of tests revealed a neurodegenerative disease.

Townsend Davis [11:20]:
"I remember sitting right next to her... the doctor looked straight at us and said, 'You have a neurodegenerative disease that is consistent with Alzheimer's and we don't have any other explanation.'"

The emotional toll of the diagnosis was profound, leaving both Townsend and Bridget to grapple with the future.

Townsend Davis [12:32]:
"We sat there and took it in... we have to go to the pharmacy and get our first meds and start this new life together."

Becoming a Caregiver

Transitioning into the role of a caregiver, Townsend faced the challenge of balancing work, parenting, and his responsibilities toward Bridget.

Townsend Davis [20:50]:
"We had full-time help for her... but starting with that moment, she was not seeing me as her husband or knowing me as her husband anymore."

The emotional strain was compounded when Bridget began misnaming Townsend, signaling the progression of her Alzheimer's.

Townsend Davis [19:43]:
"When she called you Marcia, I felt this was the moment I was dreading the most. What am I to her now?"

Meeting Deb: A New Connection

Amidst his caregiving duties, Townsend met Deb, a journalist interested in surf culture, sparking a friendship that eventually blossomed into a romantic relationship.

Townsend Davis [26:08]:
"Deb showed up in the parking lot with her beach chair and a cooler full of food... we went on a walk down to these amazing cliffs."

Their relationship developed slowly, marked by deep conversations and mutual support, while Townsend remained mindful of his commitment to Bridget.

Townsend Davis [28:24]:
"I forgot what it was like having that kind of interchange... I just became much more confident that Bridget would not be harmed."

Inviting Deb to Thanksgiving: A Pivotal Moment

After dating Deb for over a year, Townsend decided to bring her into the family’s Thanksgiving dinner, aiming to blend his love for Bridget with his newfound relationship.

Anna Martin [38:00]:
"By that time Deb and I had been dating for over a year... This felt like a natural extension."

The dinner arrangement placed Bridget and Deb at the same table, setting the stage for an emotionally charged gathering.

Townsend Davis [39:15]:
"I'm sitting at the head of this long table. Deb is to my right. Bridget is to my left... Before she sits down to eat, William got up from the table and said, 'Hello, Mother.'"

Emotional Reactions During Thanksgiving

The dinner was a poignant moment where Bridget's lack of recognition and Deb's emotional response highlighted the complexities of their intertwined relationships.

Townsend Davis [40:16]:
"I thought it was because of what she had just witnessed... But later, Deb confided that she felt like an interloper."

Deb expressed feelings of being an outsider within the family dynamic, leading Townsend to reassure her of her importance.

Townsend Davis [41:39]:
"I said, 'We're as I feel that we are married because of what we do for each other every day... the way we work together and help each other.'"

Integrating Bridget and Deb

Over time, Deb and Bridget began to develop a unique relationship, with Bridget showing subtle signs of acceptance and appreciation toward Deb.

Townsend Davis [46:43]:
"Deb has spent time with Bridget since Thanksgiving... Bridget came up to her and said, 'You are a good person.'"

These interactions fostered a sense of community and support within the family, despite the unconventional setup.

Future Plans and Moving Forward

Looking ahead, Townsend is planning to further integrate his life with Deb while ensuring Bridget's well-being through separate living arrangements within the same building.

Townsend Davis [48:43]:
"Deb and I are planning to move in together in Brooklyn, and have Bridget live in a separate garden apartment in the same building."

This arrangement symbolizes the intricate balance Townsend maintains between his enduring love for Bridget and his new relationship with Deb.

Reflecting on Gratitude and Love

In the closing moments, Townsend reflects on his gratitude for both Bridget and Deb, acknowledging the profound impact they have on his life.

Townsend Davis [51:27]:
"My luck... I keep thinking that I lucked out. Oh, with Bridget and with Deb and with my children. So just may it continue."

Anna Martin [51:57]:
"Hearing your story, Townsend, you are a lucky guy. You really are a lucky guy."

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Key Takeaways

• Complex Love Dynamics: Townsend navigates the challenges of loving two partners simultaneously—his wife with Alzheimer's and his girlfriend—highlighting the complexities of modern relationships.

• Caregiving and Personal Growth: The journey underscores the emotional toll of caregiving and the personal growth that stems from such experiences.

• Acceptance and Integration: The integration of Deb into the family dynamic, especially during Thanksgiving, showcases the importance of acceptance, empathy, and evolving family structures.

• Gratitude Amidst Adversity: Despite the hardships, Townsend maintains a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the relationships that enrich his life.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bridget's Wedding Arrival:
  Townsend Davis [00:49]:
  "I remember her stepping off the boat, running up the dock to the ceremony, and feeling like everything was just so right."

• Bridget's Cartoons:
  Townsend Davis [03:41]:
  "One day my son was taking paper lunch bags to lunch in third grade and she scrawled with a Sharpie, a little cartoon figure."

• Diagnosis Revelation:
  Townsend Davis [12:32]:
  "We have to go to the pharmacy and get our first meds and start this new life together."

• Deb's Initial Reaction:
  Townsend Davis [26:21]:
  "She looked at me from behind those sunglasses and was like, mm, okay. See how long that lasts?"

• Thanksgiving Dinner Moment:
  Townsend Davis [39:15]:
  "Bridget is not reacting. But eventually, she accepts a hug from him."

• Gratitude Statement:
  Townsend Davis [51:27]:
  "My luck... I keep thinking that I lucked out. Oh, with Bridget and with Deb and with my children."

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For more details and to read Townsend’s full Modern Love essay, "A Family Dinner with My Wife and Girlfriend," visit the show notes.

Transcript

[Townsend Davis]

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[Anna Martin]

When Townsend Davis and his wife Bridget got married, their wedding honestly sounded like one of the wackiest I've ever heard of. First off, Bridget was five months pregnant. She arrived via speedboat, since the wedding was on a lake. She was barefoot and wearing a dress that had been made just the day before. Townsend told me he remembers her stepping off the boat, running up the dock to the ceremony, and feeling like everything was just so right. So, Brigid, she'd organized the whole thing herself.

[Townsend Davis]

Her idea was Thanksgiving in September. That was the atmosphere that she was shooting for.

[Anna Martin]

Wait. She explicitly said, I want this to be Thanksgiving in September.

[Townsend Davis]

She says, I want Thanksgiving in September.

[Anna Martin]

Tell me why she wanted.

[Townsend Davis]

So we had a tourist. That was our wedding food, our banquet.

[Anna Martin]

Wait, tell me why Thanksgiving? A Thanksgiving themed wedding was something that she wanted.

[Townsend Davis]

She just loved Thanksgiving. This was her favorite holiday. And I think she just. What she liked about it was the ability to have a core group, which is our family, and add people to it. And it was the biggest holiday, more so than Christmas or Hanukkah or Easter or Passover.

[Anna Martin]

For a time, things went smoothly. Townsend and Bridget had two kids, built careers, and enjoyed nearly a decade of Thanksgiving dinners together as a family. But then Bridget got some news that would change everything. Her marriage and the life she and Townsend had built together. She was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's, and how she and Townsend dealt with it is truly remarkable. From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin. This is Modern Love. Each week we bring you stories inspired by the Modern Love column. This week's episode is based on Townsend's Modern Love essay, A Family Dinner with My Wife and Girlfriend. It's a Thanksgiving story unlike any other. Stick with us. So, Townsend, you and your wife Bridget were married for more than 10 years before she got a really difficult diagnosis. But before we talk about that, I want to know, what was Bridget like? How would you describe her? What was she like as a Partner as a parent.

[Townsend Davis]

Yes. So she was very much about not sweating the small stuff. Did not make the kids make their bed or learn a sport or learn an instrument. She just wanted to have as many friends in the house and sleepovers, you know, at the drop of a hat. And one thing she did do later in life that became a real anchor for her is that she started drawing cartoons.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Townsend Davis]

One day my son was taking paper lunch bags to lunch in third grade and she scrawled with a Sharpie, a little cartoon figure.

[Anna Martin]

Do you remember what the cartoon was?

[Townsend Davis]

I think it was of my son as a bird, like, just cool. And then it probably took her 30 seconds.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Townsend Davis]

And then he wanted more of those, and then his friends started wanting them. And one thing led to another and she started cartooning for real, all self taught. Wow. And each member of the family was an animal. And all the friends, different animal characters and two scenarios. I was a moose. Yeah.

[Anna Martin]

And why were you? I still don't remember Wisconsin.

[Townsend Davis]

I still. I've racked my brain. I still don't remember why that. How that came to be.

[Anna Martin]

Okay. Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

I think maybe because I'm kind of a lumbering, watchful presence.

[Anna Martin]

Sure.

[Townsend Davis]

Compared to her, I sort of. I'm a foot taller.

[Anna Martin]

You have huge antlers for the listeners in the right.

[Townsend Davis]

I don't know if people know that, but it's an unusual feature. But I think it was more my watchfulness. And compared to her, I was sometimes quiet.

[Anna Martin]

Hmm. What was she? Did she have a character?

[Townsend Davis]

She was a pony.

[Anna Martin]

Tell me about that. Why that selection?

[Townsend Davis]

I think just very sort of perky and peppy and can get herself in trouble pretty quickly.

[Anna Martin]

And one of your sons was a bird, and your other son?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes, our oldest, William was a puppet.

[Anna Martin]

Oh, Pat.

[Townsend Davis]

But he always had a beret on because he became a film fan and a filmmaker.

[Anna Martin]

Is there one cartoon that she perhaps made of the two of you that you remember? Moose and pony?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes. Well, the first time we sat down to talk about Alzheimer's, she ended up turning into a cartoon.

[Anna Martin]

No way.

[Townsend Davis]

Yes. So after I noticed that she was slipping in terms of her executive function and it really wasn't memory at all, it was managing a calendar, managing the kids after school activities and things like that seemed out of character. So we sat down in December of 2013 and had a serious conversation. And genius that I am, I decided, oh, well, maybe she has late onset adhd. That was my theory. So I floated that theory. And she howled with laughter. She thought it was the funniest thing I had ever said. And she actually took a list of supposed symptoms and turned to me and basically cross examined me and said, let's see, am I a risk taker? No. Am I have trouble finishing books? Laughable. She had like over 1000 books on her Kindle, you know, and just went like point by point by point rebutting this idea. And then she did a cartoon about it.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Townsend Davis]

And in the cartoon, I'm this bumbling moose doctor who's telling her that she has adhd and she's basically laughing it off.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Townsend Davis]

So. And then for two years, you know, we didn't really talk about it.

[Anna Martin]

When did you first start to sense that something was off with Bridget? What were some of the signs that led you to the two of you to seek medical attention?

[Townsend Davis]

So the very first time I remember this coming up, she was still in her late 40s and we were driving with the kids in the backseat and we were talking about submitting health insurance forms. I guess we were still on her health insurance from work. And for some reason she just could not get the claim submitted. And I just couldn't understand someone who was so organized and capable couldn't get this done. And I remember I got so upset. I was driving, I had to pull the car over and probably saying something like, just do it. Can't you just do it? I don't understand. You can do things like this with your eyes closed. And she would say, oh, you're making too much of a big deal of it. Or she would make excuses. They keep saying they lost it. And I said, yeah, but you know what to do. You just keep submitting it until they accept it. And I just couldn't understand it. So that's the first I remember. Of course, that could have been nothing, and that could have been completely unrelated. And then it was more managing a calendar later, when the kids got older and busier, and anytime something slipped, either a missed appointment or a lost homework or something like that, play dates, something like that, play dates. She would just brush it off and say, you're making too big a deal of it. You're the one that needs control. And then she started blaming her computer. She started saying, oh, the software is, you know, it's planned obsolescence. They're trying to get us to buy new computers. This is someone who was super proficient in Excel and very proficient with all the Outlook software and the kinds of things you use in her job, which we had sort of imported into our personal life. And so this just became out of character. But she Always had an excuse. And she always fell back on the parenting style I talked about earlier, which is, you know, I don't sweat the small stuff. You do, and this is just a difference we're having. There's nothing going on.

[Anna Martin]

Was that convincing to you?

[Townsend Davis]

No, not at all. Because it just. I mean, I doubted. I doubted myself because, yes, things were hard, and I was having a really hard time at work. It was a very intense period of child rearing as well, when the kids are preteens. And so I noticed I would sometimes say something, and then I just often would keep it to myself because it was always such a fraught area, because.

[Anna Martin]

It sounds like she would get quite.

[Townsend Davis]

Defensive, very defensive, and always had an answer. And I think eventually things started happening. Like her friends organized a 50th birthday party for a small group of her old, old friends in Manhattan. Just women only. She forgot. She forgot to show up. They called me from the restaurant, said, where is she? And then she, you know, apologized. But that was very out of character. That was, you know, she was 50 at that point.

[Anna Martin]

What did she say when you called her? Like, your friends were at your birthday party.

[Townsend Davis]

I must have, you know, forgotten or I must have. I must have made a mistake with the calendar or something. And then that caused a rift with some of those friends, you know, all of whom forgave her ultimately, but were very, very angry with her.

[Anna Martin]

And so when did you learn that it was actually Alzheimer's? Did Bridget decide to go see a doctor?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes. So in 2015.

[Anna Martin]

So a few.

[Townsend Davis]

How many years by this time? She's 51.

[Anna Martin]

Gotcha.

[Townsend Davis]

I just at the time had. Didn't even know what early onset Alzheimer's was. We thought maybe it was menopause. We thought maybe it was adhd. So I remember the doctor gave her just a basic tabletop cognitive test from her laptop.

[Anna Martin]

Were you there with her in that room?

[Townsend Davis]

I was there sitting right next to her. And it was a classic initial neuropsych battery with all the usual questions and asking her to draw the hands of a clock to show a certain time. And I could. I could see that she was bombing it. And I didn't say anything. And the doctor stopped, didn't even complete the test. She stopped and said, look, and just to back up for a minute, when we initially made the appointment, we went there and Bridget said to the doctor, oh, I'm just here because my husband is making me. I don't think anything is going on, but just to humor him, I'm here to be tested. She does the test, she bombs it. And then the doctor looked straight at her and said, well, I hate to say this, but your husband is right. Something is going on that is ahead of schedule. And it's not just natural aging or menopause. You need to see a neurologist. And even I was taken aback by how swiftly she had come to that conclusion. And then we went through a whole six month process of testing that was also very trying.

[Anna Martin]

When you're leaving this initial, this first appointment where the doctor says you need to see a neurologist, do you remember saying anything in particular to her or her saying anything particular to you?

[Townsend Davis]

I don't remember specific words, but I do remember that it brought us closer, that I said, wherever we're going with this, we're going together. See where this goes. And we were. It was. It was a bonding moment. I remember going home. And I mean, what I really remember was the day of the diagnosis. It came six months later.

[Anna Martin]

Tell me about that.

[Townsend Davis]

Six months later?

[Anna Martin]

Yes. So there's six months of testing.

[Townsend Davis]

Six months of testing. And during the process, they were ruling out other things. So by the time we went to the neurologist, they had ruled everything else out. So she spent about a half an hour going through all the tests and what they showed, Bridget and I were side by side. And I remember listening and getting frustrated with the doctor, why are we going all these tests again? Can't you get to the bottom line faster? And finally the neurologist looked at us with tears in her eyes and said, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a neurodegenerative disease that is consistent with Alzheimer's and we don't have any other explanation. And Bridget said, and I remember this because she grabbed my hand and said, what will I do about the children? And we sat there and took it in. And then we asked a couple of questions. Should we do more testing? And the neurologist said, don't bother. This is pretty clear. You could spend money for more PET scans or whatever, but really, you should start living your new life with Alzheimer's. And her first question after asking what she'll do about the children is, how much time do I have? And the doctor sort of gave a rather vague answer.

[Anna Martin]

What did she say?

[Townsend Davis]

I think she said something like, you have between 5 and 25 years or something like that.

[Anna Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Townsend Davis]

Which is not super helpful in terms of trying to envision the rest of your life. And then I really remember coming home on the subway after that appointment and lying down on the bed. It was the middle of the day. It was a Thursday, June 16th. And we laid on the bed, holding hands, looking up at the ceiling. And I remember the kids came home from school and were banging on the door, and we were ignoring them and just trying to take it in. And then that night, we were like, okay, well, eventually we got up and said, all right, well, we have to go to the pharmacy and get our first meds and start this new life together.

[Anna Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Townsend Davis]

And I was like, okay, I guess that means I'm now the caregiver and she's now the cared for person. And, like, our roles became visible at that point, although we had done. You know, we had cared for each other in a different way in the marriage, but. And then I remember we went to the pharmacy and got the meds and took the meds and, like, bought our first pill box and came home. And then we. I remember we had. We decided to have a drink on the deck at the back of our house in Brooklyn. And I had a beer, and I don't remember, maybe she had, like, a blueberry soda or something. Supposedly blueberries are good for you. Not that there's any blueberries in the soda. And she said, what is it I have again? And I thought she was kidding. I thought she was just kidding. And I was like, you kidding? No. What is it? I know I have something. And I said, it's Alzheimer's. And she goes, oh, yeah, yeah, right. Okay. So. Yeah. And then we just. I just remember the quiet moment in the back deck where we're just taking a deep breath and.

[Anna Martin]

Townsend, I mean, can you tell me, how did you feel when you realized she wasn't joking? Like, she didn't remember?

[Townsend Davis]

I thought it was funny because I was like, after all this, like, we used the word Alzheimer's a lot in terms of wondering what it might be, and the doctor just told us all about it. And so I really thought she was kidding. And it would have been. That would have been in character, but she wasn't kidding.

[Anna Martin]

She really didn't know.

[Townsend Davis]

I don't think she was kidding. No, it didn't look like it to me.

[Anna Martin]

You know, I guess I'm. I'm wondering, was there a moment like that maybe further along, months or years later, where you realize, like, okay, this disease has really progressed, and the Bridget I know is not the Bridget standing in front of me anymore. Was there a moment like that that you can point to?

[Townsend Davis]

Mm. It was in May of 2022, and I was standing in the kitchen. It was a Saturday morning. I think I was making breakfast or something, and she came down and she said, oh, hi, Marcia, to me. And Marcia is a name of our longtime housekeeper who also cooks. But she wasn't there that day. And, you know, for months before that, she had been calling other people Townsend. She had been calling me by other names. So there was some looseness with labeling and naming. So I didn't really count it as a lack of recognition. It sort of made sense that she would mistake me for someone who was there and doing the same kinds of things as the housekeeper. But so it was a gradual process. It wasn't this, like, one day she knew me, and the other day she didn't. But ever since then, she started using all of our names, that is, me and the kids and her mom and dad, less often. And in the beginning, she was afraid of getting it wrong, and now I just don't know.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah. When she called you by, it's clear that this date, even if it was gradual, sticks in your mind. When she called you Marcia, what did you feel?

[Townsend Davis]

This was the moment I was dreading the most. When is she not gonna recognize me? What's that gonna look like? What am I going to do about it? I had a whole movie scene in my head of how it would go. Like, she would say, well, wait, who are you? And I would say, I'm Townsend. I'm the moose. I'm your husband. And she would smile, and it would all be fine again. That wasn't the way it went at all. But, yeah, for weeks after that, I went over and over it, like, wow, that was it. That was the moment. And what does that mean? Who am I to her now? Does she know that I'm still her husband? And what am I to her then?

[Anna Martin]

Okay, at this point, Townsend, you're taking care of Bridget at home. Her Alzheimer's has clearly progressed significantly. You're working, you're parenting, you are juggling a ton. What was that like for you? How were you doing emotionally?

[Townsend Davis]

Well, first of all, by that time, I had full time help for her.

[Anna Martin]

Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

So we had a number of different caregivers who came during the day and also at night because she at that time was very, very agitated and needed a ton of comforting and was starting to need help with her personal care.

[Anna Martin]

Like hygiene, going to the bathroom, stuff like that.

[Townsend Davis]

Yeah. Feeding, getting dressed and everything. So in some ways, my job as a caregiver had gotten a little easier.

[Anna Martin]

You'd help. Yeah.

[Townsend Davis]

But starting with that moment in May of 20, 22. She was not seeing me as her husband or appeared to not be knowing me as her husband any longer. So those existential questions about, what am I to her, what is she to me, how do I arrange things, what should I do with myself? Were percolating.

[Anna Martin]

Were you lonely?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes, I was, for sure.

[Anna Martin]

Did you.

[Townsend Davis]

Even though I probably wouldn't have admitted.

[Anna Martin]

It, I was going to say, did you admit that?

[Townsend Davis]

No. I said, I'm very active. I've got all my friends. I've got my men's doubles on Wednesdays. And, you know, and people did take pity on me. And so if they had an extra theater ticket, you know, it would be like the third wheel in the third going to the theater with a couple or filling in for someone who couldn't make it.

[Anna Martin]

Did you think about trying to meet someone else? Like, romantically?

[Townsend Davis]

Not actively, no.

[Anna Martin]

I mean, was that something you and Bridget had ever talked about when she was still able to have those kinds of conversations?

[Townsend Davis]

Yeah. I don't remember exactly when or where this was, but sometime shortly after the diagnosis, she said to me, in kind of an offhand way, she said, you know, you know, you're going to have to find someone else, you know, when I'm gone. And I just remember it being an act of empathy on her part, that she was picturing me being alone. And I was like, what are you talking about? I'm not ready to think about that. And that's crazy. I kind of shut it down, I think, because I wanted to focus on what we still had. I couldn't really imagine a life without her. I kind of said, honey, that's, you know, I can't think about that.

[Anna Martin]

There's so much else to think about. I can't think about that.

[Townsend Davis]

Yeah, I can't think about that. And I want to. It's clashes with us, like, being here together. So I sort of, sort of blew it off. I didn't want to hurt her, hurt the children or her parents. And again, that point at which she used a different name for me, I didn't know exactly what she could perceive. So I just decided I didn't need a partner. I decided I'll get different things from different people. And I felt pretty good day to day. I just thought it was enough to have a full life.

[Anna Martin]

After the break, Townsend surprises himself when he meets someone special. Stay with us. AI is coming to your industry, if it isn't already here. But AI needs a lot of speed and computing power. So how do you compete without costs? Spiraling upgrade to Oracle Cloud Infrastructure, or oci. OCI is the blazing, fast and secure platform for your infrastructure, database, application development, and AI workloads. Right now, Oracle is offering to cut your current cloud bill in half if you move to OCI. For new US customers with minimum financial commitment. Offer ends December 31, 2024. See if your company [e-mail] NYT this podcast is supported by the following advertisement at Morgan Stanley old school hard work meets bold new thinking to help you see untapped possibilities and relentlessly work with you to make them real. To learn more, visit morganstanley.com why US investing involves risk Morgan Stanley Smith Barney, LLC. Welcome back. So at this point, Townsend had all but written off finding a new partner. Bridget and him were still married, so trying to date again just seemed too complicated. He still loved Bridget. He didn't want to hurt her, even if she didn't seem to recognize him anymore. But then one day, Townsend got a call from a friend who was pitching him something kind of weird. Basically, he knew this journalist named Deb, and Deb was interested in learning more about the surf culture in Long Island. And Townsend was a surfer. So could he show Deb around? Townsend said, sure, fine. He started texting with Deb to arrange a meetup. But the friend told Deb something different. He told her he was arranging a meet. Cute.

[Townsend Davis]

And apparently you can ask Deb, but she said she's, you know, wait, you're asking me to go meet a married man, you know, way out on Long island somewhere? You're crazy. I'm not doing that.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Townsend Davis]

So I wasn't thinking of it as a dating prospect at all.

[Anna Martin]

Was she thinking of it as a dating prospect?

[Townsend Davis]

I think so. Maybe.

[Anna Martin]

Okay. Okay. It sounds interesting.

[Townsend Davis]

All I know is that the friend's a bit of a puppeteer here, so.

[Anna Martin]

It'S like trying some strings being pulled.

[Townsend Davis]

Some strings being pulled.

[Anna Martin]

Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

But she showed up in the parking lot with her beach chair and a cooler full of food and sunglasses and sweatpants. And I thought, great, she looks like she knows her way around a beach. Hop in. And since she purportedly was there for this surf culture, I was trying to tell her about those things. But then we went on a walk down to these amazing cliffs and she, I've come to learn, doesn't think there's any such thing as a personal question. So she was getting right into it. What's it like caring for your wife?

[Anna Martin]

So she knew the situation?

[Townsend Davis]

Yeah, she did know that.

[Anna Martin]

Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

And we had talked a bit about that, and Then she said, well, you know, what do you do for companionship?

[Anna Martin]

And I was like, she asked you that directly?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

On the first time you met?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes. So I think I repeated this line of I'm going to get different things from different people.

[Anna Martin]

Right. I'm doing triathlons.

[Townsend Davis]

I'm a rock. I am an island. But no, I think she was trying to come clean a little bit by saying, you know, I'm not just here for the surf scene. You know, my friend thought we might be a good match. And I said, well, just so you know, I'm not dating anyone.

[Anna Martin]

And how did she react when you said that? Like, I'm not. She kind of lobs a ball over the net to you, and I'm not catching that ball. You say, like, I'm not dating right now. How did she react?

[Townsend Davis]

I think she looked at me from behind those sunglasses and was like, mm, okay. See how long that lasts? No, I think it was amazing to have someone to talk to. And she had had, you know, her own trials and tribulations, so. And she told me about those. So we just were buddies for a while.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Townsend Davis]

And I had forgotten what it was like having that kind of interchange and, you know, texting and sharing funny things and just things that came up. And so we got to know each other and gradually, and we did something together maybe once a week, every two weeks or something. But we texted more often than that. And it kind of built from there. And I was like, wow, this is fun. I forgot what this feels like. And I really become much more confident that Bridget would not be harmed.

[Anna Martin]

Well, I mean, I was gonna say, like, as you were texting and hanging out more with Deb, and it's feeling fun and you're excited, are you also thinking about Bridget in the back of your mind?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes. The whole time? Yes, of course.

[Anna Martin]

What's that, like? Like a split screen type?

[Townsend Davis]

It's just, can I do this? Can I dip my toe in? Or is dipping the toe in a betrayal of some kind?

[Anna Martin]

That's a heavy question to ask as you're maybe starting to build something with someone else.

[Townsend Davis]

Yeah. But at some point, I just thought, what am I waiting for? I don't see a downside here. If it's a complete disaster, we'll go back to our separate corners, and life will go on as before.

[Anna Martin]

Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

You know, I didn't. And so I. After a couple of months of this. Of this non Dating. Dating, and exchanging some pretty deep emotional.

[Anna Martin]

Of course. Of course.

[Townsend Davis]

The whole time. So I said, well, maybe I'll just take it slow and we'll see. Yeah. I had a buddy who was like, yeah, just go hang out there in our apartment and take it slow.

[Anna Martin]

Okay, So, I mean, it sounds like you decide for yourself. I'm gonna go for it. Right. Like, I'm gonna make a move.

[Townsend Davis]

Right.

[Anna Martin]

So what did you do with. Did you tell Deb this?

[Townsend Davis]

No.

[Anna Martin]

Okay. So.

[Townsend Davis]

So we had already set the rules of engagement at the beach. We're friends, and that's the way it was gonna. That's the way it went. It was actually really fun and amazing. And, no, I didn't really preview this.

[Anna Martin]

Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

I went over to her apartment. She had been in the emergency room that morning, so her hand was still bandaged from, like, an infected splinter.

[Anna Martin]

Oh, my gosh.

[Townsend Davis]

She was wearing the same clothes that she wore to the er. She said, well, I'm just gonna watch this documentary. Do you wanna watch it with me? I was like, sure. Her son was working at a restaurant that night. And then I sort of pulled her toward me on the couch and. Yeah. Taking it slow. Yeah. Was not. Didn't end up being. Didn't end up happening. So what was it?

[Anna Martin]

Did you watch the documentary?

[Townsend Davis]

I don't remember much about the documentary.

[Anna Martin]

I'll leave that to the.

[Townsend Davis]

But how fun, though. But it was great. And then it was just electric. And then I wanted to see how it felt after that. I remember going back to the house.

[Anna Martin]

And where Bridget is.

[Townsend Davis]

Correct. Is. And where my son, who was then Teddy, was then a senior in high school, is. And I looked around, and I remember wandering around the house, and I was like, nothing has burned down. Nothing is different here. I feel different inside. I feel totally alive and electrified by this new relationship possibility. And I can still care for Bridget. This is not a conflict. I can still do her pillbox. I can still talk to her. I can still hold her hand, do all the things that we do. And I was like, okay, maybe. Maybe this can work.

[Anna Martin]

I mean, I guess, too. Like, I'm thinking about again, that conversation with Bridget where she told you to find someone else. Did it feel like you needed to tell her? Did you have a moment where you came to her?

[Townsend Davis]

It was months, maybe three months later.

[Anna Martin]

Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

And Deb and I had just gone on this surf trip to Costa Rica together. And I was like, okay, this is going somewhere for real now. I need to tell Bridget. And my reason was, if there was an issue, I don't know what I would have done about it. But if she had reacted negatively, I wanted to know, I wanted to know how she was going to tell her.

[Anna Martin]

Were you nervous to tell her?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes, I was terribly nervous. I remember scripting it out.

[Anna Martin]

What did you say? Do you remember the words?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes, I remember. I said, I just want you to know that I've met someone and she is my new partner, I think is the word I used. And I didn't use the word girlfriend. I didn't use the word lover. I think I used the word partner because that felt. Well, that was the description that fit the description. And then I said, but I want you to know that I'm going to take care of you to the end. Nothing here at home is going to change. And I'm going to be with you. I'm going to stay married to you to the end. And she kind of looked at me. I remember she was like fiddling with her. The hem of her blanket or something. And she said kind of quietly, well, I think that's a good idea. I don't know what she meant. I don't know if she was talking, reacting to the second part of what I said or the first part of what I said or if I was too vague. And I kind of. I just wonder if I did. It was clear enough and she didn't seem upset. And I was like, okay, well, that's good. Again, if she had been, I don't know what I would have done. I would have had a real dilemma there. And so I was relieved. And then I remember telling the caregivers, listen, I want you to know, is she upset? Is she upset that I have a girlfriend? Is she.

[Anna Martin]

You were really looking for fallout here.

[Townsend Davis]

Is she using my name? Is she asking for me? Is she asking for her husband? And they to a person said, no, she's not.

[Anna Martin]

She's not agitated.

[Townsend Davis]

She's not.

[Anna Martin]

But she's also not asking for you.

[Townsend Davis]

Which is she's not asking for me. And she does not appear upset by this news that I've given her.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah. What about Bridget's family, who I assume you were close with? How did you tell them?

[Townsend Davis]

Oh, boy. Yeah, I was nervous about this too. So telling her parents was a phone call. They live in San Francisco. Wow. I'm just thinking about how nervous I was then. Yeah, I had the same script that I had used with Bridget, which is, I've met someone, it's serious, it's wonderfully life giving, but I'm still gonna take care of Bridget to the end. And. And so I told them this and they didn't ask a lot of questions. Which was okay. And then her mother said, well, it's about time, and I said, what do you mean? And she said, well, we didn't want to be the ones to bring it up, but we expected that this would happen someday and we're glad you found somebody nice.

[Anna Martin]

After the break, Townsend tells us about bringing his wife and his girlfriend together for a Thanksgiving meal and what it felt like to continue caring for Bridget while building a new life with Deb.

[Townsend Davis]

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[Anna Martin]

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[Townsend Davis]

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[Anna Martin]

So Townsend, at the beginning of this conversation we talked about how important Thanksgiving was to Bridget and how she loved bringing in new people and expanding. You know the group at the table. I know from your Modern Love essay that about a year into dating Deb, you decide to invite her to your family's Thanksgiving. So both your wife Bridget and your girlfriend Deb will be at the same table. When did you get the idea to invite Deb to Thanksgiving or to do Thanksgiving together as it were?

[Townsend Davis]

Yes, by that time Deb and I had been dating for over a year. Her children were scheduled to be with her ex husband, they taking turns so she didn't have anywhere to go and I felt like it was our relationship had reached that point where I wanted to involve her in family things. She had already met the children and she had met Bridget on a number of occasions. She had met her at an Alzheimer's fundraising walk. She had met her at Teddy's graduation from high school. She had met her at an exhibit of Bridges cartoons which was instrumental helping me put on so they'd been in a room together a lot and so I didn't really think much of it. This felt like a natural extension Yeah, a natural extension. And I didn't think it would be any big deal. She had met everyone else at the table. She had met my mom, my kids, my friend who was there. So I was like, how hard can this be?

[Anna Martin]

So you sit down, set the scene for me. Where is everyone sitting?

[Townsend Davis]

So I'm sitting at the head of this long table. Deb is to my right. Bridget is to my left. And I think, maybe. But maybe my mother is in between us. Bridget is there with a caregiver, or more accurately, there's a place setting for her. And before she sits down to eat, William got up from the table.

[Anna Martin]

Your son.

[Townsend Davis]

And said, hello, Mother. It's me, William. Ann goes to approach her, and Bridget just doesn't seem to react. But eventually, she accepts a hug from him. And I noticed during that time that Deb was crying quietly. But then she pulled herself together and was able to get some food, and we ate.

[Anna Martin]

Can I ask you, though, when you look over and you realize Deb is crying, do you understand why she's crying?

[Townsend Davis]

Not. I thought it was because of what she had just witnessed that she. With William and his mom. And it was that. It was that. But I didn't. You know, I just squeezed your hand, and I felt that we were gonna talk about it later.

[Anna Martin]

And when you did talk about it later, when the dishes were cleared, when the. You know, there's so many dishes, the leftovers are put in the Tupperware. Like, bring me into the conversation you had with Deb after Thanksgiving.

[Townsend Davis]

Well, she had a lot of. Lot of. A lot of mixed emotions about the whole night. So at that point, we're kind of debriefing the whole night. And about that moment with her son, she said, I thought it was really amazing that he was able to embrace her even though she wasn't reacting. And then I told her that she'd done an amazing job of carrying forward this tradition and, you know, and being part of it. And she said, yeah, but I still felt like an intruder. The word she used was interloper, Something like that.

[Anna Martin]

What did that feel like to hear?

[Townsend Davis]

I was like, why? And at first, I really challenged her on it and said, you know, you're such an important part of my life. Everybody knows it. You belong here. You were such an incredible addition and presence here. And she said, yeah, but it's different. I really felt it was Bridget's holiday, and she just had these feelings of trespassing on our family. Tristan. And eventually I stopped fighting her on it and said, okay, well, I guess I would feel worse if you didn't feel that way. Sure.

[Anna Martin]

Sure.

[Townsend Davis]

And later that night, we talked about. I know that we can't be married right now, and sometimes that's hard for me. And I said, I understand. And I thought you. Because I had asked her that question many times, and she had always.

[Anna Martin]

You'd asked her what question?

[Townsend Davis]

Do you. Do you feel in any way compromised because we can't be married?

[Anna Martin]

You'd asked Deb that person.

[Townsend Davis]

Yes. That there's some limitation in the relationship. She always said no.

[Anna Martin]

And now it's this night.

[Townsend Davis]

Yes. She admitted that she felt it. That she felt it. Sort of the whole swirl of emotion of being in Bridges and my home and being part of this tradition. And I think she felt like part of it. And she also felt that it was a limitation, too, because it wasn't something that just we had created. So. And I think she's had lots of. I don't know how many times she's felt that pang since then. She's never told me that she has, but I tried to reassure her by saying, you know, we're as I feel that we are married because of what we do for each other every day.

[Anna Martin]

Wow. What did you mean by that?

[Townsend Davis]

Just the way we work together and the way we help each other and enjoy each other. And by that time, it had really become such a big part of my life.

[Anna Martin]

She had become such a big part.

[Townsend Davis]

Yes.

[Anna Martin]

And what did she. How did she respond to that?

[Townsend Davis]

She. I don't remember what she said, but she took that in and. But it was intense. And I.

[Anna Martin]

It sounds so intense.

[Townsend Davis]

Thompson. I again felt a bit silly that I didn't see any of this coming.

[Anna Martin]

Well, it's like you had not anticipated Thanksgiving being so emotional. It clearly was. You saw her crying. You'd had so many conversations. It sounds like talking about, you know, how Deb felt knowing that you were still married and devoted to care, and she'd assured you that, like, she understood, and she clearly does understand. She's, like, living out a totally empathetic way of treating Bridget and your family, but at the same time, this is a woman that you love. Telling you. It's really hard for me. It's really hard for me to be here in this house, to be in this relationship.

[Townsend Davis]

It's hard in this moment. Yes. Yes, it was for her. But I couldn't think of another way that would be better because I wanted her there. And just as she had been so tolerant of my describing aspects of my marriage, and she always said to Me that's part of you. It's always going to be part of you. Of course I want to know about that. I was sort of trying to reciprocate that and say, well, this is part of me. Can it be part of you, too? Like, can you. Can. You know, because I had this sort of geographically convenient system where when I was at her apartment and doing things with her, I wasn't really preoccupied with what was going on at home. There were emergencies, and I would check in and make sure things were fine.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah.

[Townsend Davis]

And then when I came home, it was a focus on.

[Anna Martin]

On Bridget.

[Townsend Davis]

On Bridget.

[Anna Martin]

It's so interesting what you're saying. It's like, this is a real reckoning for both of you at really what it means to love each other fully, for you to love Deb fully and for Deb to love you fully.

[Townsend Davis]

Yeah. And I didn't see that. I didn't see that it would be that kind of test or turning point. I just didn't. But in the end, I was so happy to hear her being honest about it and frank about it. And then, since then, she's spent a lot more time with Bridget since that meal, yet.

[Anna Martin]

Tell me about Bridget and Deb's relationship since then.

[Townsend Davis]

This is so wild. And so unexpected, too. So Deb has spent time with Bridget since Thanksgiving. More time with her. And so now Bridget is kind of used to Deb. And we've had fun trying to speculate who she thinks Deb is.

[Anna Martin]

Right? I was gonna say yeah.

[Townsend Davis]

But I think she's kind of this beneficent presence. They're about the same height. And I think she's this sort of warm, very talkative presence that Bridget finds amusing. When we were setting Bridget up in her new apartment, Deb helped me move the furniture down, and she was making up Bridget's bed. And one of the things Bridget's doing now is she's pacing the length of the apartment. And I heard her going by, and she's pacing, and she's got a pillow in her hand, and she goes, deb, good. Good, good, good. I was like, okay. I don't know if she meant that, but okay, that's interesting. And then after she noticed that Deb was making her bed, she came up to her and said, you are a good person.

[Anna Martin]

No.

[Townsend Davis]

And I was like. I was stunned. I mean, I hadn't heard her say something like that in a while. And Deb was very touched by that. And Townsend.

[Anna Martin]

What?

[Townsend Davis]

You are a good person to her.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah. So this was after last Thanksgiving Right. I would love to know what your plans are for this Thanksgiving.

[Townsend Davis]

Well, this will be emotionally rich and interesting, too. So this year it's her turn to have her children for Thanksgiving. Her?

[Anna Martin]

As in Deb. Deb has her children.

[Townsend Davis]

There's three children. Yes. Who are 29, 28, and 18.

[Anna Martin]

Wow. Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

And because Deb and I are planning to move in together.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Townsend Davis]

In Brooklyn. And have Bridget live on a separate. In a separate garden apartment in the same building.

[Anna Martin]

Wow.

[Townsend Davis]

So that is actually happening right now. That is Bridget now lives not in our old bedroom on the top floor, but has her own dedicated ground floor apartment.

[Anna Martin]

Her own space. And in the same building you and Deb are planning on living.

[Townsend Davis]

We are planning on living there in what was my old bedroom renovated and done over. So if she doesn't feel like she's just moving into my old place, then we're gonna have. We're gonna reconfigure things so that there's room for my boys and her youngest child. So that's in process now. But of course, by Thanksgiving, the whole place is going to be a construction site, so we'll be.

[Anna Martin]

There's a big metaphor there.

[Townsend Davis]

I have to say yes for sure. So Deb will host Thanksgiving.

[Anna Martin]

Okay.

[Townsend Davis]

So Bridget will come with a caregiver.

[Anna Martin]

Wow. You know, I mean, are you nervous?

[Townsend Davis]

Maybe I'll be the one who's crying this time.

[Anna Martin]

That's kind of what I was.

[Townsend Davis]

Am I nervous? I. Not any more than anything else that we do.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Townsend Davis]

Which is that lack of orthodoxy seems to be something that is very routine for us.

[Anna Martin]

I guess I just wonder, like, if someone were to ask you, townsend, you're doing Thanksgiving dinner with who? How would you explain these two women?

[Townsend Davis]

So I'm doing Thanksgiving with my wife, who has Alzheimer's, and my romantic partner. I mean, it's interesting, the reaction you get when you say that.

[Anna Martin]

Well, I was gonna say it sounds simple, but does it feel simple to you?

[Townsend Davis]

It does to me.

[Anna Martin]

Yeah, it does. Really? I'm surprised by that.

[Townsend Davis]

Well, just because it's just super clear to me that I want to keep doing it. I just don't. I can't imagine my life without either of them, really, at this point.

[Anna Martin]

I'm going to ask you, I think, what might be a bit of a corny question to close us, but I hope you'll play ball. In my family. I'm sure we're not the only family to do this. But, you know, Thanksgiving rolls around and each of us goes around the table and we say a thing we're grateful for. And I'm hoping you will meet me in the cheese. But really think about this and tell me it doesn't have to be one thing, but what are you grateful for in your life and in your love right now?

[Townsend Davis]

My luck, which is takes a lot of different forms, but I keep thinking that I lucked out. Oh, with Bridget and with Deb and with my children. So just may it continue.

[Anna Martin]

Hearing your story. Thompson, I really, I mean, you would not say it at the beginning, but hearing this story in full, you are a lucky guy. You really are a lucky guy.

[Townsend Davis]

I'm glad that you. I can see that.

[Anna Martin]

Townsend Davis, thank you so much for talking to me today.

[Townsend Davis]

It's been a pleasure. Thank you.

[Anna Martin]

If you want to read Townsend's Modern Love essay, a Family Dinner with my wife and girlfriend, look for the link in our show notes. Also, before we go, we are working on our end of the year goodbye 2024 episode. So we want to know what was the worst date you went on in 2024. Tell us the story of what happened and why it was so awful. Also tell us what you want to do differently when it comes to love in the new year. Please note you do not have to be single to share your story. If you're partnered and went on a really bad date this year, we want to hear from you too. To send us your story, record a voice memo and email it to us at Modern love [e-mail] that's ModernLove podcastytimes.com include your name and where you're from and you just might hear yourself on a future episode of the show. Modern Love is produced by Riva Goldberg, Davis Land, Emily Lang and Amy Pearl. It's edited by Lynn Levy and our executive producer, Jen Poyant. Production management by Christina Joseph. The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell. Original music by Amin Sahota, Alicia Beitoup, Carol Sabaro, Pat McCusker and Rowan Nimisto. This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez. Studio support from Maddie Masiello and Nick Pittman. Special thanks to Mahima Choblani, Nell Galogli, Jeffrey Miranda and Paula Schuman. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. If you want to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got the instructions in our show notes. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.