Modern Love Podcast: "Thanksgiving With My Wife and Girlfriend"

Host: Anna Martin
Guest: Townsend Davis
Release Date: November 20, 2024
Podcast: Modern Love by The New York Times

Introduction to Townsend and Bridget's Marriage

Anna Martin opens the episode by recounting the unconventional wedding of Townsend Davis and his wife Bridget.

Anna Martin [00:49]:
"When Townsend Davis and his wife Bridget got married, their wedding honestly sounded like one of the wackiest I've ever heard of. First off, Bridget was five months pregnant. She arrived via speedboat, since the wedding was on a lake. She was barefoot and wearing a dress that had been made just the day before."

Townsend adds a personal touch to the story, highlighting Bridget's spontaneous nature and his own feelings during the wedding.

Townsend Davis [00:49]:
"I remember her stepping off the boat, running up the dock to the ceremony, and feeling like everything was just so right."

Bridget's Personality and Their Life Together

Bridget was characterized by her laid-back approach to life, contrasting Townsend's more structured demeanor.

Townsend Davis [03:14]:
"She was very much about not sweating the small stuff. Did not make the kids make their bed or learn a sport or learn an instrument. She just wanted to have as many friends in the house and sleepovers, you know, at the drop of a hat."

Bridget's creative side emerged later in life when she began drawing cartoons, providing a new avenue for her expression and a source of joy for the family.

Townsend Davis [03:41]:
"One day my son was taking paper lunch bags to lunch in third grade and she scrawled with a Sharpie, a little cartoon figure. I think it was of my son as a bird, like, just cool."

Early Signs of Alzheimer's

Their marriage thrived for nearly a decade filled with Thanksgiving dinners and family moments until Bridget began exhibiting signs that were out of character.

Townsend Davis [06:34]:
"I noticed that she was slipping in terms of her executive function... managing a calendar, managing the kids' after school activities... seemed out of character."

Initial attempts to explain Bridget's behavior suggested possible late-onset ADHD, which Bridget humorously dismissed through her cartoons.

Townsend Davis [06:34]:
"In the cartoon, I'm this bumbling moose doctor who's telling her that she has ADHD and she's basically laughing it off."

The Diagnosis Journey

The couple's concerns led them to seek medical help, culminating in Bridget's diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer's after a series of tests revealed a neurodegenerative disease.

Townsend Davis [11:20]:
"I remember sitting right next to her... the doctor looked straight at us and said, 'You have a neurodegenerative disease that is consistent with Alzheimer's and we don't have any other explanation.'"

The emotional toll of the diagnosis was profound, leaving both Townsend and Bridget to grapple with the future.

Townsend Davis [12:32]:
"We sat there and took it in... we have to go to the pharmacy and get our first meds and start this new life together."

Becoming a Caregiver

Transitioning into the role of a caregiver, Townsend faced the challenge of balancing work, parenting, and his responsibilities toward Bridget.

Townsend Davis [20:50]:
"We had full-time help for her... but starting with that moment, she was not seeing me as her husband or knowing me as her husband anymore."

The emotional strain was compounded when Bridget began misnaming Townsend, signaling the progression of her Alzheimer's.

Townsend Davis [19:43]:
"When she called you Marcia, I felt this was the moment I was dreading the most. What am I to her now?"

Meeting Deb: A New Connection

Amidst his caregiving duties, Townsend met Deb, a journalist interested in surf culture, sparking a friendship that eventually blossomed into a romantic relationship.

Townsend Davis [26:08]:
"Deb showed up in the parking lot with her beach chair and a cooler full of food... we went on a walk down to these amazing cliffs."

Their relationship developed slowly, marked by deep conversations and mutual support, while Townsend remained mindful of his commitment to Bridget.

Townsend Davis [28:24]:
"I forgot what it was like having that kind of interchange... I just became much more confident that Bridget would not be harmed."

Inviting Deb to Thanksgiving: A Pivotal Moment

After dating Deb for over a year, Townsend decided to bring her into the family’s Thanksgiving dinner, aiming to blend his love for Bridget with his newfound relationship.

Anna Martin [38:00]:
"By that time Deb and I had been dating for over a year... This felt like a natural extension."

The dinner arrangement placed Bridget and Deb at the same table, setting the stage for an emotionally charged gathering.

Townsend Davis [39:15]:
"I'm sitting at the head of this long table. Deb is to my right. Bridget is to my left... Before she sits down to eat, William got up from the table and said, 'Hello, Mother.'"

Emotional Reactions During Thanksgiving

The dinner was a poignant moment where Bridget's lack of recognition and Deb's emotional response highlighted the complexities of their intertwined relationships.

Townsend Davis [40:16]:
"I thought it was because of what she had just witnessed... But later, Deb confided that she felt like an interloper."

Deb expressed feelings of being an outsider within the family dynamic, leading Townsend to reassure her of her importance.

Townsend Davis [41:39]:
"I said, 'We're as I feel that we are married because of what we do for each other every day... the way we work together and help each other.'"

Integrating Bridget and Deb

Over time, Deb and Bridget began to develop a unique relationship, with Bridget showing subtle signs of acceptance and appreciation toward Deb.

Townsend Davis [46:43]:
"Deb has spent time with Bridget since Thanksgiving... Bridget came up to her and said, 'You are a good person.'"

These interactions fostered a sense of community and support within the family, despite the unconventional setup.

Future Plans and Moving Forward

Looking ahead, Townsend is planning to further integrate his life with Deb while ensuring Bridget's well-being through separate living arrangements within the same building.

Townsend Davis [48:43]:
"Deb and I are planning to move in together in Brooklyn, and have Bridget live in a separate garden apartment in the same building."

This arrangement symbolizes the intricate balance Townsend maintains between his enduring love for Bridget and his new relationship with Deb.

Reflecting on Gratitude and Love

In the closing moments, Townsend reflects on his gratitude for both Bridget and Deb, acknowledging the profound impact they have on his life.

Townsend Davis [51:27]:
"My luck... I keep thinking that I lucked out. Oh, with Bridget and with Deb and with my children. So just may it continue."

Anna Martin [51:57]:
"Hearing your story, Townsend, you are a lucky guy. You really are a lucky guy."

Key Takeaways

• Complex Love Dynamics: Townsend navigates the challenges of loving two partners simultaneously—his wife with Alzheimer's and his girlfriend—highlighting the complexities of modern relationships.

• Caregiving and Personal Growth: The journey underscores the emotional toll of caregiving and the personal growth that stems from such experiences.

• Acceptance and Integration: The integration of Deb into the family dynamic, especially during Thanksgiving, showcases the importance of acceptance, empathy, and evolving family structures.

• Gratitude Amidst Adversity: Despite the hardships, Townsend maintains a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the relationships that enrich his life.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bridget's Wedding Arrival:
  Townsend Davis [00:49]:
  "I remember her stepping off the boat, running up the dock to the ceremony, and feeling like everything was just so right."

• Bridget's Cartoons:
  Townsend Davis [03:41]:
  "One day my son was taking paper lunch bags to lunch in third grade and she scrawled with a Sharpie, a little cartoon figure."

• Diagnosis Revelation:
  Townsend Davis [12:32]:
  "We have to go to the pharmacy and get our first meds and start this new life together."

• Deb's Initial Reaction:
  Townsend Davis [26:21]:
  "She looked at me from behind those sunglasses and was like, mm, okay. See how long that lasts?"

• Thanksgiving Dinner Moment:
  Townsend Davis [39:15]:
  "Bridget is not reacting. But eventually, she accepts a hug from him."

• Gratitude Statement:
  Townsend Davis [51:27]:
  "My luck... I keep thinking that I lucked out. Oh, with Bridget and with Deb and with my children."

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For more details and to read Townsend’s full Modern Love essay, "A Family Dinner with My Wife and Girlfriend," visit the show notes.