Modern Love Podcast Summary: "That Time I Bought My Husband’s Girlfriend a Burial Plot"

Introduction

In the January 29, 2025 episode of Modern Love, hosted by Anna Martin, listeners are introduced to an emotionally intricate story based on the essay “Here Lie the Biggersons Side by Side for All Eternity” by Robin Ilene Bernstein. This episode delves into Robyn’s tumultuous marriage, her subsequent divorce, and the unexpected complexities that arise following her ex-husband Mark’s untimely death.

Robyn’s Marriage to Mark

Robyn Ilene Bernstein recounts her long-term marriage to Mark, highlighting both the initial attractions and the underlying tensions that eventually led to their separation.

• Initial Attraction: Robyn describes how Mark’s spontaneity and affection initially drew her in. “He just had all this energy, and I just got swept into that,” she shares (07:14).

• Life Before Marriage: Before marrying Mark, Robyn was a drummer in a band, living a vibrant life in Manhattan’s West Village. “I was living this kind of fun, you know, city life. It was just fun,” she reflects (07:10).

• Marriage Challenges: Despite sharing similar values and desires for a family, Mark’s controlling nature became a significant strain. “He kind of had this sort of my way or the highway approach to life,” Robyn explains (04:35). This behavior led to constant bickering over minor issues, making daily life exhausting. Robyn likens their relationship to battling relentless ocean waves: “it was just like, this is exhausting” (07:06).

The Decision to Divorce

Robyn and Mark struggled to maintain their marriage despite numerous counseling sessions and self-help efforts.

• Counseling Attempts: They sought marriage counseling immediately after their honeymoon and continued for years, with Robyn actively searching for resources to improve their communication (06:33).

• Realization and Decision: Over time, Robyn concluded that their relationship was unsustainable. She describes their final agreement to divorce as a relief: “It was a relief, I think, to finally just not to stop trying so hard” (11:37). Interestingly, it was Mark who initiated the formal divorce when Robyn thought she might be the one to leave, stating, “you’re gonna get a letter from my attorney” (10:28).

Post-Divorce Relationship

After separating, Robyn and Mark maintained a unique dynamic, continuing to live separately while remaining legally married.

• Living Apart: Their arrangement allowed for a semblance of normalcy, especially around their children. “We were now able to communicate without this constant bickering,” Robyn notes (12:51).

• Mark’s New Relationship: Mark quickly began dating someone else, whom Robyn initially found agreeable. This new relationship led to interesting family dynamics, as evidenced during a holiday gathering where Mark humorously addressed both Robyn and his girlfriend: “It was so funny and so real” (16:40).

The Death of Mark

Mark’s sudden death brought unforeseen complications to Robyn’s already complex situation.

• Heart Attack Incident: On a serene Sunday afternoon, while spending quality time with the kids, Mark suffered a heart attack. Robyn recounts the immediate aftermath, including the unforeseen presence of both her and Mark’s girlfriend at the hospital (19:20).

• Emotional Turmoil: Robyn felt conflicted witnessing Mark’s girlfriend’s distress. “I just wanted her to not feel like I’m elbowing her out,” she shares (23:10). The lack of a formal separation intensified her emotional response during this crisis.

Buying the Burial Plot

Facing Mark’s impending death, Robyn made a remarkable and unconventional decision that would profoundly impact her future.

• Decision to Purchase: Upon learning that Mark would not survive, Robyn decided to purchase two burial plots—one for Mark and one for his girlfriend. “It helps her to feel included,” she explains (24:44).

• Interaction at the Cemetery: At the cemetery, Robyn met with Mark’s brother and the sales representative, who visibly reacted to her request. Despite the awkwardness, Robyn proceeded with the purchase: “I did it. I bought the two plots” (26:18).

• Inscriptions Dilemma: Choosing inscriptions presented another challenge. Robyn opted for “loving father” and “caring husband” for Mark, and “beloved companion” for his girlfriend, a choice she later questioned: “It was literally written in stone” (28:26).

Reflections and Current Thoughts

Years after Mark’s death, Robyn reflects on the decision to purchase the burial plot and its lingering implications.

• Ongoing Uncertainty: Robyn grapples with whether to leave the plot as is or make changes. The hesitation represents her unresolved feelings and the enduring impact of her past relationship: “It tells me that it's like, it doesn't make any sense on a lot of levels, but on a lot of levels it does make sense for me to be there” (31:54).

• Humorous Acceptance: Embracing the absurdity of the situation, Robyn humorously imagines co-burial with Mark, anticipating endless bickering beyond life: “We’ll just be bickering into eternity about, I don’t like those flowers” (33:06).

• Final Reflections: Visiting Mark’s grave, Robyn contemplates the nature of their relationship and the complexities of moving on while still being technically bonded: “We split up, but we were still married” (34:01).

Conclusion

Robyn Ilene Bernstein’s story is a poignant exploration of love, separation, and the lingering ties that bind. Her experience underscores the complexities of human relationships and the unexpected ways in which love and loss intertwine. Through humor and heartfelt reflection, Robyn navigates the shadows of her past, offering listeners a deeply relatable and thought-provoking narrative.

Notable Quotes

• “The ratio was off.” – Robyn Ilene Bernstein (04:35)
• “It was just like, this is exhausting.” – Robyn Ilene Bernstein (07:06)
• “He thought he was helping.” – Robyn Ilene Bernstein (05:33)
• “He just diffused it.” – Robyn Ilene Bernstein (16:40)
• “It was a relief, I think, to finally just not to stop trying so hard.” – Robyn Ilene Bernstein (11:37)
• “We’ll just be bickering into eternity about, I don’t like those flowers.” – Robyn Ilene Bernstein (33:06)

Timestamp Reference Key:

• [07:14]: Robyn discusses initial attraction to Mark.
• [07:10]: Life before marriage.
• [04:35]: Challenges in marriage due to Mark’s behavior.
• [07:06]: Robyn compares marriage to battling ocean waves.
• [11:37]: Decision to divorce as a relief.
• [10:28]: Mark initiates divorce.
• [12:51]: Living apart without constant bickering.
• [16:40]: Holiday gathering interaction.
• [19:20]: Mark’s heart attack incident.
• [23:10]: Emotional turmoil during Mark’s hospitalization.
• [24:44]: Decision to purchase burial plots.
• [26:18]: Interaction at the cemetery.
• [28:26]: Inscriptions on the burial plot.
• [31:54]: Reflections on burial plot decision.
• [33:06]: Humor about eternal bickering in burial.

This episode masterfully balances humor and sorrow, providing listeners with a nuanced look at the enduring complexities of love and loss.