Modern Love: "The Kind of Pain She Wanted"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Modern Love
• Host/Author: The New York Times, hosted by Anna Martin
• Episode: The Kind of Pain She Wanted
• Release Date: August 6, 2025

Introduction

In the episode titled "The Kind of Pain She Wanted," host Anna Martin engages in a profound conversation with Grace Hussar, a writer and mother of two, about her journey to embracing pain as a means to stay present and deeply connect with her body. Grace shares her transformative experiences that intertwine extreme endurance running and BDSM, highlighting how pain became a pathway to mindfulness and self-acceptance.

Grace's Struggle with Overthinking

Grace Hussar opens up about her lifelong battle with staying present. She describes herself as an "extreme overthinker," constantly striving to perfect and remember significant moments, which often left her feeling detached.

• Grace Hussar [01:01]: "In the most important moments of my life, my brain was instead focusing on, how do I remember this so that it's perfect."

Anna relates to Grace's experience, emphasizing how overthinking hindered her ability to fully inhabit the present.

The Turning Point: Ultrarunning

Grace's life began to change when she took up ultrarunning—extreme endurance running of 31 miles or more. This intense physical challenge served as a catalyst for her transformation.

• Grace Hussar [02:14]: "You become an animal. You become a physical, a physical being without the burden of a body. You become just all id."

After completing her first ultramarathon, Grace experienced profound physical and mental exhaustion, which paradoxically left her feeling more fulfilled and whole than ever before.

• Grace Hussar [02:30]: "I had never felt more fulfilled. I had never felt more whole."

She realized that enduring pain through running allowed her brain to shut off, providing the relief she subconsciously sought.

Discovering BDSM as a Path to Presence

Inspired by the relief she found in ultrarunning, Grace sought additional ways to experience controlled pain and be fully present. This quest led her to explore BDSM, initially perceiving it through stereotypical lenses of latex and leather.

• Grace Hussar [05:42]: "What does submission mean to me and what does it mean to give up power in a way that doesn't cost me my agency?"

Grace's interest deepened after an intense massage experience, where physical pain led to unexpected emotional openness and attraction to her masseur. This encounter nudged her towards exploring BDSM more seriously.

Entering the BDSM Community

Grace joined FetLife, a social networking site for individuals interested in BDSM, feeling overwhelmed by the diversity and intensity of the community's expressions of pain and submission.

• Grace Hussar [09:23]: "It was overwhelming. Like anyone else, you look at that stuff and you're like, well, those people are freaks."

Despite initial reservations, Grace found herself drawn back by the nuanced emotions depicted in the community's images, particularly a poignant photograph of a woman seemingly at peace amidst physical contortion.

• Grace Hussar [11:08]: "She looks like she has the kind of relief that I want."

The First Session with Peter

Grace recounts her first encounter with Peter, a respected figure in the kink community, whose transparent and respectful approach stood in stark contrast to her fears of losing control.

• Grace Hussar [17:08]: "You have permission to enjoy sexuality and you have permission to explore sexuality."

Their initial meeting involved meticulous planning and consent, ensuring Grace felt safe and in control throughout the experience.

During the session, Grace experienced intense pain as Peter tied her with coconut rope and placed her in a vulnerable position. However, his attentive presence and emphasis on consent allowed her to stay present despite the physical discomfort.

• Grace Hussar [37:59]: "I felt my toes getting numb... It's too much... I said, yeah, and he just untied it."

Transformative Aftermath

The release from the physical restraints brought a profound sense of gratitude and intimacy between Grace and Peter, fostering a deep connection founded on trust and mutual respect.

• Grace Hussar [39:21]: "You are the one in control... We were doing it together."

Over five years, Grace reflects on how BDSM reshaped her relationship with her body, viewing it as a tool rather than an object of scrutiny or perfection.

• Grace Hussar [46:21]: "It made it so much easier to love my body the same way ultrarunning has."

Empowerment Through Duality

Grace discusses the duality of her experiences in BDSM and ultrarunning, highlighting how both practices empowered her by fostering a balanced relationship between control and surrender.

• Grace Hussar [48:20]: "Kink has allowed me to step into my power more in my personal life now, like at work, you know, as a mother."

Key Takeaways and Insights

• Control and Consent: Grace emphasizes the importance of explicit consent in BDSM, ensuring that any surrender of control remains within her boundaries.

  • Grace Hussar [22:19]: "I have permission to enjoy sexuality and I have permission to explore sexuality."

• Mindfulness Through Pain: Both ultrarunning and BDSM serve as mechanisms for Grace to stay present, harnessing pain as a tool for mindfulness rather than a source of anxiety.

• Reclaiming Power: Through these practices, Grace has reclaimed her power, transforming her relationship with her body and enhancing her self-acceptance.

Conclusion

"The Kind of Pain She Wanted" is a compelling exploration of how controlled pain and extreme physical challenges can lead to profound personal growth and self-acceptance. Grace Hussar's journey illustrates the delicate balance between control and surrender, highlighting the transformative power of embracing vulnerability and trust.

Notable Quotes:

• Grace Hussar [07:19]: "I like this thing. I like that. And there's a moment where you're like, this gives me some relief. I wonder if I push it to the extreme, I'll get a ton of relief."
• Anna Martin [41:48]: "Did you feel in control?"
• Grace Hussar [37:00]: "Being intrigued by something right is one thing, but actually kind of setting out to try to get involved in that thing, you know, is another."

Further Information

For those interested in exploring similar stories or contributing their own, the Modern Love team invites submissions of essays or tiny love stories, with instructions available in the show notes.