Podcast Summary: Modern Love – "Want to have better sex this year? Here’s how."

Host: Anna Martin
Guest: Dr. Nicole McNichols (Professor, University of Washington; Author)
Date: January 7, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the topic of sexual fulfillment, exploring why sex and pleasure are central to well-being and relationship satisfaction. Host Anna Martin speaks with Dr. Nicole McNichols, a professor specializing in human sexuality, whose new book is called You Could Be Having Better Sex. Together, they break down the science, social myths, practical strategies, and communication skills surrounding better sex for both singles and couples—promising insights for listeners seeking more excitement and connection in their love lives.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Importance of Sexual Curiosity and Pleasure

• [04:04] Dr. Nicole McNichols: College students are deeply curious about sex, often because of inadequate or even misinformation from their previous sex education.
• Pleasure isn’t a luxury but foundational to well-being and creativity.
• [05:17] “We’ve all grown up in this very puritanical culture that treats sex like dessert… But there’s reams of research showing how critical positive emotions and pleasure are to our well-being.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

2. Dr. McNichols’ Personal Journey

• [06:47] Dr. McNichols shares her own struggles juggling motherhood and intimacy, and how teaching sexuality—and delving into research—transformed her own relationship.

3. The Science: Sexual Satisfaction Drives Relationship Satisfaction

• [09:07] Longitudinal studies show that sexual satisfaction typically leads to relationship satisfaction, not just the other way around.
• [10:46] “Sex is the mechanism for relationship satisfaction.”
  – Anna Martin, paraphrasing Dr. McNichols
• [12:16] The “magic” target frequency for sex’s positive impact is about once a week. Having more is fine, but benefits plateau after that point.

4. Blueprint for Better Sex (Overview)

• [13:19] No quick fix or “shot” for better sex, but there is a data-backed blueprint about to be discussed (“When we come back…”).

Practical Advice Segments

Casual Sex: Satisfaction, Motivation, and Consent

[15:41]–[26:24]

The Reality of Casual Sex

• Not inherently detrimental or negative; can be “awesome, pleasurable, a form of adventure,” for all genders.
• [17:29] “In the right context, casual sex can lead to an increased GPA.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

Gender Differences and the Orgasm Gap

• The enjoyment discrepancy between men and women vanishes when women orgasm; “when women have an orgasm, they enjoy casual sex on average just as much as men do.”
  — Dr. Nicole McNichols, [19:12]

Motivation is Key

• Autonomous motivation (wanting adventure, play, affirmation) predicts more satisfying casual sex.
• [21:39] “You’re coming to the experience from a place of freedom, true freedom—not because of norms, not because you think it’s the only thing available, but because you are driven and have a sense of purpose about it.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

Expanding the Definition of Consent

• Modern consent should encompass emotional honesty, “respect for each other’s social and emotional boundaries,” and mutual pleasure.
• [23:33] Normalize phrases like “Are you okay if this is just for fun?”; check in with your partner for alignment.
• Communication tools for pleasure:
  • “Guide me.”
  • “Show me.”
  • Using moans/sighs to nonverbally communicate pleasure and direction.
• [26:24] If there's one takeaway: “Make sure the woman comes.” – Dr. Nicole McNichols

Rekindling Sex in Long-Term Relationships

[28:20]–[41:22]

Five Research-Backed Ways to Revitalize Sex

1. Set the Mood

• Don’t expect to move from “work emails to amazing sex.” Internal and environmental setup matters—lighting, music, even saying “I love you” during sex.
• [30:00] Kissing during sex increases orgasm likelihood (especially for women) and emotional closeness.

2. Prioritize Orgasm (But Not at All Costs)

• [31:01] Orgasms are important, but great sex can occur without them—it’s about broadening the idea of what good sex means.
• If orgasms are consistently one-sided, “something to examine.”

3. Communicate

• Keep sharing wants and feedback in the moment and outside the bedroom. Phrases like “Guide me” are simple but powerful.

4. Inject Novelty

• [33:14] “If you want a number… couples who try to do something new once a month or more… that tends to be the threshold.”
• Dr. Nicole McNichols explains “micro-novelty”: minor changes (e.g., new positions, different rooms/times, lights on/off) suffice. Macro-novelty (roleplay, sex toys, etc.) is also great but not necessary every time.

5. Planned Sex Can Be Hot, Too

• Despite cultural bias for spontaneity, the data shows “planned sex is just as pleasurable as spontaneous sex.”
• [36:46] Planning gives space for anticipation, fantasy, and novelty; it’s about making sex a priority.

Dealing with “Not in the Mood”

• [38:21] Normalize rescheduling “planned sex”—but do it within 48 hours.

Introducing Novelty or Big Changes

• Approach it with curiosity and positive reinforcement. “Ask your partner, ‘What is the best sex we’ve ever had?’… Usually when you talk about that incredible sex, your brain naturally goes to what comes next.”
  — Dr. Nicole McNichols, [39:56]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [05:17] “We’ve all grown up in this very puritanical culture that treats sex like dessert… But there’s reams of research showing how critical positive emotions and pleasure are to our well-being.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

• [13:03] “Having sex one time a week is implementable and quite doable and not intimidating.”
  – Anna Martin

• [19:12] “When women have an orgasm, they enjoy casual sex on average just as much as men do.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

• [23:33] “We need to start bringing in not just respect for each other’s physical boundaries, but respect for each other’s social and emotional boundaries as well.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

• [26:24] “If there’s one takeaway, make sure the woman comes.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

• [33:14] “If you want a number… couples who try to do something new once a month or more… that tends to be the threshold.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

• [36:44] “It’s just as pleasurable when it’s planned.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols

• [42:09] “Own your pleasure.”
  – Dr. Nicole McNichols’ closing mantra

Actionable Takeaways & Mantras

• Prioritize pleasure as a need, not a reward.
• Open communication, including emotional honesty and consent, transforms both casual and committed sex.
• For long-term relationships: once-a-week sex, novelty at least once a month, and planned sex sessions can all move the needle.
• Positive conversations about past great sex can spark new adventures.
• Mantra: “Own your pleasure.” – Dr. Nicole McNichols ([42:09])

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [04:04] – The importance and context of pleasure and sex
• [09:07] – Sexual satisfaction’s impact on relationships
• [12:16] – Target sex frequency for couples
• [15:41] – Casual sex: myths vs. data
• [19:12] – The role of orgasm in casual sex for women
• [23:33] – Expanding consent to emotional honesty
• [30:00] – Setting the mood, the power of saying “I love you” and kissing
• [33:14] – Frequency and definition of novelty
• [36:44] – The case for planned sex
• [39:56] – Positive reinforcement in discussing and introducing novelty
• [42:09] – Dr. McNichols’ “Own your pleasure” mantra

Final Thoughts

With warmth, humor, and research-backed insights, Dr. Nicole McNichols and Anna Martin make a compelling case for embracing sexual curiosity, communication, and agency. Whether you’re looking to improve casual encounters or long-term intimacy, their advice is both actionable and freeing: pleasure matters, communication is sexy, and you have permission to prioritize your own satisfaction.

For more: Find Dr. McNichols' book You Could Be Having Better Sex, take inspiration from Modern Love stories, and remember—“Own your pleasure.”