Modern Love – "What Happened When My Dad and I Came Out to Each Other"

Host: Anna Martin (The New York Times)
Guest: Julia Stoller
Date: February 18, 2026

Episode Overview

This moving episode explores the story of Julia Stoller and her father—two people who, while living under the same roof for years, believed they had little in common. Everything changed with a single phone call: Julia learned her dad was bisexual and leaving her mother. In the shockwave of that revelation, Julia also came out to her father as bisexual, sparking a new, honest relationship between them. Host Anna Martin guides the conversation as Julia reflects on family dynamics, the complexities of identity, generational struggles in coming out, and, ultimately, the journey toward living as one’s authentic self.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Moment Everything Changed ([01:34–04:53])

• The Revealing Phone Call:
  Julia describes the surreal moment when her mother calls and abruptly says, “your father's a bisexual and he's leaving me” ([01:34]). Julia, in shock, calls her dad and confirms the news. Both speak in hushed, unfamiliar tones, underscoring how “it was 180 degrees away from who my father was” ([02:59]).

• Disclosure and Shared Identity:
  During that first tense call, Julia also reveals to her father, for the first time, that she is bisexual too ([04:03]).

  “Turns out we had this in common. But the reason I felt like I could never tell him was because he had been burying this thing so deep that he became a person who you couldn’t confide in.” –Julia Stoller ([04:03])

Growing Up Under the Roof of Secrets ([06:49–09:47])

• Dad as Provider, Not Confidant:
  Julia paints her father as warm and loving, but highly conventional, disconnected from his own vulnerabilities.

  • He prioritized “what was needed to be done,” even giving up an architect career for reliable income.
  • Julia didn’t think of her dad as someone to confide in:

    “Dads didn’t…weren’t there to really understand you so deeply.” –Julia Stoller ([09:06])

• No Model for Openness:
  Julia’s sense of self was compartmentalized, matching the family’s emotional dynamics.

Julia’s Own Coming-Out Journey ([10:09–15:17])

• College as a Catalyst for Realization:
  At college, Julia is immersed in a queer-friendly environment, which accelerates her self-discovery. She dates a man, Caleb, but realizes she is, in fact, bisexual ([10:09–12:20]).

• Complications of Bisexual Identity:
  Julia hesitates to own and express her bisexuality, partly due to being in a “straight-presenting” relationship ([12:20–12:37]).

  • She doesn’t come out explicitly to Caleb until years into their relationship—during a pivotal conversation about marriage ([12:45–14:16]).

    “The thing I respond with is, ‘I’m bisexual.’…Now I don’t know what road I want to go down.” ([12:51–14:04])

• Paralyzed by Binary Choices:
  Before hearing from her father, Julia feels compelled to choose between two mutually exclusive futures—marrying a man or a woman. Her dad’s revelation complicates and magnifies that struggle ([14:24–16:36]).

Building a Relationship from Scratch ([16:36–21:29])

• Pursuing Understanding:
  Julia flies home to Chicago to interrogate her dad directly, literally announcing, “Dad, we need to have a gay talk” ([19:54]). On the porch swing, Julia interviews her father about the timeline and motivations of his life choices.

• Father’s Perspective:
  Her dad admits, “I always knew,” describing losing friends after moving to the suburbs and marrying her mom ([20:33]). He says he had happiness in marriage and family, “and it was what he wanted until it wasn’t.”

• The Limits of Parental Knowledge:
  Julia is frustrated by her dad’s inability to articulate when things changed or exactly why; there are “more I don’t knows than I could handle” ([21:29]).

The True Cost of Hiding ([22:18–24:37])

• Legacy of Secrecy:
  Julia recognizes that the real harm comes not from being in a straight-passing relationship, but from “having to tuck away a part of you…It can seep into other parts of you” ([22:18]).

• Emotional Distance and Missed Connection:
  Her father’s avoidance of vulnerability shapes how Julia relates to him:

  “I ended up withholding a lot of stuff from him, including the huge fact that I, too, was bisexual. This crazy thing that we’re both secretly holding…” ([23:35–24:37])

Reconnection and New Beginnings ([24:56–29:37])

• Blossoming Closeness:
  Her dad’s coming out transforms their relationship: he acquires new friends, joins a gay dads’ support group, and embraces a newfound social life ([24:56–26:14]).

• Vivid Metamorphosis:
  Julia is amazed to see her father’s style change (“lots of orange”), more playful attitude, and even visits a drag bar with him ([26:31–28:22]).

• Emotional Integration Over Time:
  Julia senses her dad struggling to merge his “dad mode” and “gay mode,” but over time, sees him become his full self more completely ([29:19–29:37]).

Resolving Identity and Choosing a Path ([31:53–34:38])

• Realizing the Root Issue:
  Julia concludes that hiding is the problem—not the gender of one’s partner.

  • “If you keep those things separate, that is what hurts you. And if you can integrate yourself and be your full self, that's the thing that matters in a relationship.” ([31:53–33:04])

• Claiming Wholeness in Love:
  With the confidence that she can be her truest self with Caleb, Julia proposes to him, wielding a welded anatomical heart ([34:17–34:38]):

  “There’s so many things I’m not sure about, but you’re one of the things I feel the most sure about.” ([34:38])

Ongoing Family Redefinition and Acceptance ([35:11–39:49])

• A New Kind of Family:
  Both parents attend Julia’s wedding (“on either side”), but with no new partners present to keep things simple ([35:20–35:54]).

• Mixed Emotions: Grief and Joy:
  Julia grapples with the split in the family but acknowledges her dad’s right to live fully—and her own growth in refusing to hide her bisexuality ([36:34–37:57]).

• Looking Forward:
  Now, her father lives with his boyfriend in Palm Springs (“He’s having a great life…out on the town. I’ll call him Saturday night…I’m on my couch and he’s like bar hopping with his friends.”) ([38:02–38:42]).

• Teaching the Next Generation:
  Julia reflects on how to casually and honestly present family diversity to her son so “all the different ways of being are just in the air around him from the moment he’s born” ([38:55–39:49]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Julia, on mutual secrecy:
  “The exact things that made me not want to tell him were the things that were hiding the thing that he was. Which we had in common.” ([04:03])

• Julia, the out-of-body shock:
  “It is so unfathomable to me. I have this whole part of my brain that—where my dad lives and the part of my brain where there's gay. They're not connected at all... I'm just muttering [‘my dad is gay’] to myself.” ([06:20])

• Anna, on Julia’s unique wedding proposal:
  “You welded a damn heart and you proposed to the love of your life. That's not so small to me.” ([34:38])

• Julia, on normalizing difference for her son:
  “You get to be whatever you want. I want it to be really normal... I hope that my kid doesn’t ever have to make a choice like my dad did, about having to choose between his family and his sexuality.” ([38:55–39:49])

• On the cost of hiding:
  “If you feel like you have to hide something and that what you want isn't allowed, a part of you isn't accepted, then you might try to downplay other parts of yourself. And I think that is what took the toll for my dad.” ([22:18])

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:34] – The bombshell phone call
• [04:03] – Julia comes out to her father
• [09:03] – Family roles and emotional distance
• [12:51] – Coming out to her partner, Caleb
• [19:54] – “Dad, we need to have a gay talk”
• [22:18] – Realization about the true cost of hiding
• [26:31] – Her dad’s new wardrobe and self-expression
• [28:17] – Father-daughter bonding at a drag bar
• [31:53] – Julia’s revelation about being her “full self” in relationships
• [34:17] – Julia’s wedding proposal story
• [35:20] – Both parents at the wedding
• [38:02] – Father’s new life in Palm Springs
• [38:55] – Teaching her child about family and identity

Takeaways

• The episode underscores how unspoken family secrets shape relationships—sometimes preventing genuine closeness for decades.
• Julia’s journey shows that living authentically isn’t about conforming to expectations (queer or straight), but about integrating all parts of oneself.
• The process of coming out can be rocky and intergenerational, but it also holds the potential for profound connection and mutual understanding when people are brave enough to be honest.

For more stories like this, listen to the Modern Love podcast or read Julia Stoller’s essay “From Bi to Beige and Back Again” at nytimes.com/modernlove.