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Monday Morning Podcast
Bears, Open Carry, Salmon | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-16-25
02:16:12
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- [00:02]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in, checking in on you. Oh, Jesus. What's going on? How are ya? Hope everything's good with you. I have low key. Become a Seattle Mariners fan. Hear the rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. That's what I would be playing before the games. And they'd be like, like, I don't know, maybe like 800. Over 55 year old guys, white guys with tribal tattoos. No tribal tattoos. Was the 90s with Bud man tattoos, flipping out. There goes the marina.
- [00:54]
Paul Virzi
He died.
- [00:59]
Bill Burr
Anyway, sorry I missed the. I watched last series. They don't even give you a chance with the MLB playoffs with the cold weather coming. I was just stretching my legs thinking I missed game one. It was already game three. And the Mariners, the curse, it lives on in his eyes. Won the first two games in Toronto. The second one handily, absolutely destroyed him. And I was like, holy. The Mariners are on their way to the goddamn World Series. They have never been to the World Series ever, in their entire existence. Interesting fact, they had a team, they had a baseball team before the Seattle Mariner. They were called the Seattle Pilots, as in aviation, I believe. Didn't go well. They left, and I believe they became the Milwaukee Brewers. I think that's what happened because Milwaukee has lost the Braves, which they got from Boston, and they may have even been the Baltimore Braves before that. These are the kind of things that I kind of know that don't help me in life. Interestingly enough, the brewers playing the Dodgers, there's some sort of connection there. See, I got the connection, but I don't have the cool answer. Anyway, so I finally tuned in yesterday. Me and my family took a little car trip up to Big Bear.
- [02:42]
Paul Virzi
And.
- [02:46]
Bill Burr
We'Re up here, and I put the goddamn game on. And it was like 12 to 2 Toronto. And I'm like, ah. And they would just. It was like what Seattle did to Detroit, that one game where all of a sudden one person hits a home run and it just becomes contagious and they just start shelling people. Like that's what was happening. So I don't know. Like I said, I literally became a Brewers fan during that Detroit game because of that first baseman, Josh, who's built like Dustin Bufflin. And he had a collision with this guy on first base and sent the dude flying and then he like, stole third base. I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? I love this guy. And also, I feel like the 95 Mariners was one of the, you know, most underrated as far as fun teams to watch. So I was like, yeah, fuck it, you know, my team lost to the Yankees.
- [03:39]
Paul Virzi
I'll.
- [03:40]
Bill Burr
I'll. I'll root for the Mariners, So we shall see. I don't know. But somewhere along the line, I. I kind of hate. I don't like the Blue Jays more than I don't like the Yankees, which doesn't make sense. But it all comes from Getty Lee. That was. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Getty Lee was getting interviewed, and he was at a Toronto Blue Jays game, and they were playing the Red Sox. And he pointed at a Red Sox fan going, look at this fucking guy. And he just started shitting on him. Like, Getty Lee was like, you know, gonna do something. Like, Getty Lee and his base weren't stuffed into a locker every other day in high school. All of a sudden, you know, the guy's a rock star, and he starts talking like he's gonna fucking start throwing people around in the bleachers. And I. And I just was like, you know what? This isn't just Getty Lee. This is all Toronto Blue Jay fans.
- [04:35]
Paul Virzi
F.
- [04:42]
Bill Burr
I swear to God, he just caught me in the wrong mood. And I. And I am just like, you know, German, Irish, math, that whole thing, you know? And then I also hate another thing I hate about Toronto is I root for the goddamn Leafs every year, and I'm like, on their side. I don't want to see the drought go any longer. I thought we had a common person we didn't like, you know, we were going to be mean girls to the. To the fucking Canadians. But no, they're like, no, you too? It's weird because they're Canadian, but they. They kind of have a everybody vibe up there. I don't know what their deal is, I think, because they're the biggest. They're the media center of basically half of North America, but most of North America doesn't care. Maybe that's what it is. Because I never thought that Russia's music had that aggressive type. A, you know, athlete who the. Is this guy. And all of a sudden, Getty Lee's doing that. Now, listen, I can separate the man from his music, okay? Getty Lee, the rock star, I have no problem with. But Getty Lee, the baseball fan, like, you know, he ever comes to Fenway and I happen to be there, we're gonna have words. Hey, Getty, why don't you say something.
- [06:12]
Paul Virzi
Now, dude.
- [06:18]
Bill Burr
What'S the matter? You're not near a Timmy Horton. So all of a sudden you fucking got no balls anymore. Speaking of no balls. You know, I have, I have fears in life. Some of them irrational. One of them is bears. And we're staying in a place called Big Bear. So I'm nervous, you know, not only is it a bear, it's a big bear. That's redundant. Bears are big. But the fact that you then have to call it Big Bear, these must be like, you know, it's like white guys in Nebraska, you know, they just make them big out there, you know, and they block for Mike Rosier. Corn fed. They got corn fed bears up here. Big bear, right? So anyway, I'm out getting coffee and you know, I tell my wife and kids, I go, dude, there's like bears here. There's, you know, there's mountain lions, coyotes, all of this shit. So keep your head on a fucking swivel, you know. Not saying don't go out in the backyard. I'm just saying, you know, situational awareness, which is so stupid because these things are lightning quick and they sneak up on you. So anyway, I'm coming back from get, getting coffee, go in town to get coffee, right as you do, I take a coffee order. Traumatized dad doesn't want to sit around the house and have his memories come in. Hey, anybody, is there a job to do? Can I get the rented car and go somewhere? All right, yeah, I do that, right? So I go down to get coffee and on the way back, I can't. You know, every house looks the same up here. I'm like, I don't know where the I am. What's our address again, right? So my wife goes facetime me, like. So I'm like, all right. So I facetime her and she's videoing in the backyard. There's a giant big bear, black bear in the backyard house. Like you knew. You know those new incredibly cool looking Volkswagen buses that they just, it looked like it was that big. She goes, oh my God. She goes, I was outside stretching and I looked over and it was just laying on the grass looking at me, eating berries or some. So I ran into the house. So I'm like, Jesus Christ, keep the kids in the house, right? So I pull into the driveway. I don't have a key to the house. I'm standing there with this little to go cardboard crate of three coffees. So I go up, I go to open the front door, it's locked, which is good because bears don't want to open doors. Now, these 2.0 fucking bears, right? So I knock on the door semi frantically enough to get attention but not draw attention, right?
- [09:16]
Paul Virzi
Because I don't.
- [09:17]
Bill Burr
There's a bear on the property. So it's a big glass door. My wife, bless her heart, she comes walking up, and as she walks to the door, she stops and does the. Oh, my God, right? And all of a sudden, I feel like Chichi and Scarface. Like, tony, open the door, right? I go to her, I go open the door, right? And she looks at me like, what the. Because, you know, she's a woman. It's in the backyard. The bear is in the backyard, right? I'm sorry, but what if it has a friend in the front yard or cubs or some shit? I don't. One of my Grizzly Adams, open the fucking door. Right? So she opens the door, and she's looking at me like, what? And I'm like, what?
- [10:08]
Andrew Theles
What?
- [10:08]
Bill Burr
There's a bear on the fucking property. Like, let me in the house. Now I'm going. Mark Wahlberg, remember that early movie he had right before Boogie Nights, when he was right, you know? Right. The peephole, you know, let me in the house.
- [10:26]
Andrew Theles
Yeah.
- [10:26]
Bill Burr
So she let me in, and then there was just, like, weird energy in the house. Like, she's looking at me like, why did you just yell at me? And I just had to, like, calm down and just be like, all right, you know, she's not gonna get it, you know? And then she tried to say, I thought you had a key. And then I felt like Joe Pesci and Casino, you know? Oh, you didn't know. That's why you had it ready. Same thing. You thought I had a key. That's why I'm knocking. Whatever. But then, you know, I sat down, I had a couple sips of my coffee, and I just. I just said, there is no way I'm gonna try to make this point to my wife. I'm gonna do some breathing exercises. I'm just gonna let it go. Because, you know, she goes, well, Bill, she goes, it left. It left. It's. Oh. I said, oh, yeah. Did it tell you where it was going? Like, all of a sudden, now she's an expert. No, I probably went over to the next person's yard, you know, and it's. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, city girl. What else is the bear doing? What else?
- [11:41]
Paul Virzi
Wait a minute.
- [11:41]
Bill Burr
You watch a lot of those National Geographic things late at night with the kids. Maybe you do know something. When the black bear leaves your yard, it goes over to the next person's yard and it will no longer try to eat your husband. I can't do that guy's voice. Oh, my God. Open the fuck it. Ladies, Any ladies listening to this? If there's a bear on your property and the front door's locked, and your dumb ass husband, the only thing he has to throw at it is fucking. At this point, room temperature coffee. Open the door. Jesus Christ. I lived every movie except the one I was the most afraid of, the Revenant. Oh. Anyway, so I'm a Mariners fan.
- [12:39]
Paul Virzi
There we go.
- [12:39]
Bill Burr
Back on track. Still sipping my coffee here. Jesus Christ. Remember that chichi opened the door and he. Right across the Uzi. Oh, the Uzi. Everybody loved an uzi in the 80s. That thing, it looks so, like, looks so archaic now, but that thing was the slickest, coolest in any movie if somebody had a fucking Uzi, literally like a fucking blackboard eraser with a magazine hanging out of it. I always thought machine guns or semi automatics are for people who suck at shooting. You know what I mean? I really think that this should just be like, you know, like, I feel like the semi automatic and the. And unless you're in a war, I get that. But just for like the regular homeowner, if you have like a semi automatic or an automatic weapon, I don't even know if they're legal. Semi is right. I don't know if fully automatic is. But that's like the gun version of being like, hey, Siri, can you kill this serial killer that just came in my house? I'm sorry, I don't understand. That's the same thing. You just grab that gun and you just. I mean, you can see where you're missing and then.
- [14:20]
Paul Virzi
Correct.
- [14:22]
Bill Burr
And then you do it anyway. And then the shotgun is just. That's the perfect like, like, oh my God. You know, just. And then you have the old school revolver. That took skill. You know, we should go back to that. I wonder if gun people would go with that. Like, all right, dude, everywhere you go is open carry. But all you're allowed to have is a six shooter. That's it. You can have it right on your hip like Clint Eastwood every where you go. We'll get your customized handle, carve a four wheel your four wheeler into it. You know, what are your truck, whatever the you want. And I'm not making fun of you either because I, I have a four wheeler and I own a truck and I like all of that shit, but I'M just saying. Anyway, I was death scrolling on YouTube because I was like, well, it's not Instagram, so I'm off social media. That means I'm a good person. Before I realized, like, I'm just sort of transferring this behavior, you know, I don't drink anymore, but I smoke weed every day. I was doing like the video version of that, right? So this guy had like these traffic cones which you wouldn't think would stop anything. So he had them all lined up and he goes, all right. And the last thing was like a dummy sitting in a chair. So he just worked his way up from a.22 to a.50 caliber pistol to then that sick ass, like, can stop a tank. You ever see that gun? Come on. You guys know what it is? It literally looks like it has binoculars at the end of it, at the end of the muzzle. It just goes 1000, 1000, 2003 and like nine miles away just goes, right? He went all the way up to that. So the.22 could only get through like three cones. I think it hit the third cone and it bounced off. I was surprised at that. And then even like he went up to like the dirty, hairy.44 Magnum that didn't make it all the way to the dummy. The.50 caliber came close. And then when he finally had the. I figured he had a lot of traffic codes. It was like 12 of them, but still, I didn't think that they were going to be any match. Once, once she got up to like the.300 and.57 and A4. And also, I don't know anything about it. But I will tell you this though. I, I, I do enjoy looking at them. You know, my ears are just too messed up to go to like a gun range. And like, I know they have hearing protection, but I just don't need to be doing other loud. But the same way I like old cars and manual transmission, I just. The revolvers are just the coolest looking ones. I mean, oh my God, the.44 Magnum, all black with that wood handle. I mean, dare I say, it's, it's gorgeous. I mean, I would just have that on the wall just to look at it, you know, I got one on the wall. I got one under my bed. I got a lamp made. I can turn a lamp on and blow your brains out. It is a smart idea though, to have a weapon in every room. It seems paranoid until you need it and then you're like, oh, thank God. Oh, how convenient. Anyway, so it's Thursday, everybody. I have a new gambling Theory. You want to hear mine? Let's. Let's do gambling theories. This is my gambling theory, and it's worked two weeks in a row, so it's almost. It's almost fact. I was kidding. Who. There's no facts in gambling. All right, so my thing. Thursday night game, division rivalry, take the points. Okay? I've always been big on taking the points in a division rivalry game. Unless it's like a pick him or whatever, then I'll go with the favorite. But anything, when it starts to get four or five points, I like to take the underdog. You know, they see each other twice a week, twice a year. They know each other. That doesn't make any sense. It's like, even through all of those Tom Brady years and even when the Dolphins suck, they still somehow beat us once a year. So you use that theory, and then the fact that it's a Thursday game, I think it just.
- [19:24]
Paul Virzi
It.
- [19:24]
Bill Burr
It. The Thursday game elevates the worst team and. And brings down the better team. Okay, so what do we got? We got Joe Flacco versus Aaron Rodgers. Okay. Joe recently got activated. He's been backing up. Aaron Rodgers is totally rejuvenated in Pittsburgh, so I would give him the nod. However, it's only four days rest, so they're both banged up. They're both in their 40s. That sort of even makes them a little more even. Same thing with coaches. And then the game plans on Thursday are really simple. They don't have a whole week to try to break down the other team, so they just sort of keep it meat and potatoes. And I think that that elevates the underdog. So I'm taking the Bengals getting five and a half. That was the line when I saw it. I first did this two weeks ago with the 49ers, I think, against the Rams. I forget. And then last week, I didn't do it, but I kept an eye on it, and the underdog won again. These are just theories, people. Well, it's just a theory. It's just the theory of mine. I said it. I'm throwing it out there. There you go. All right, let's do a little bit of ad reads here. Oh, it's true work, everybody. Fall weather changes fast. Hot, cold, wet, and windy. Sometimes all in one shift. True work is performance workwear built like it matters, because it does. Founded by a trade professional who was tired of wet, heavy gear weighing him down, True work set out to make workwear that keeps pros comfortable, capable, and ready for whatever the day throws at. Them designed with advanced performance fabrics for lasting comfort, all day mobility and year round job site protection. Every piece is tested on job sites with trade pros so when conditions change you're still ready. Over 50,000 five star reviews from pros in every trade in every climate. 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Securities this is for big boys here. Securities offered through Robinhood Financial LLC member SIPC Future trading is offered by Robinhood Derivatives LLC and not SPIC or FDIC protected Crypto offered through Robinhood Crypto LLC. Parentheses NMLS ID 1702840 not FDIC or SIPC Protected portfolio management offered by Robinhood Strategies on SEC Registered Advisor and SEC Registered Advisor. Okay, all right. Plowing ahead here. Anyway. Oh, Billy went to the doctor. He went to the doctor, got blood work. Some levels are high, some levels are low, but overall, he's okay. They told me to lay off the eggs. And I just said to the guy, I said, can we. Can we just. You know, the eggs are like the Jeff George of breakfast foods. You know, what are we getting here? This is a top tier quarterback. Is this guy really this big a pain in the ass? He's got a cannon for an arm. He's winning games, but then all of a sudden everybody's like this guy. I. I don't get it. Eggs are the same way. Eggs are great for you, then they're bad for you, and everybody's eating egg whites. And then they became good again, and now they're fucking bad again. The guy goes, what do you think about egg whites? I'm like, actual egg whites. I don't have a problem with them. But that shit in one of those little cartons. Yeah, I'm not fucking that. Whatever that is. I know they're not egg whites, and I know that there's plastic inside that cardboard so it doesn't soak through. And that probably sat in some heat somewhere, right? So what do I have? I have some sort of embryo with. With microplastics in it that's going to bring my cholesterol down. I'm all right. I'm all set on that. So I just got to eat some oatmeal, you know, I got to eat more fish. I don't like eating fish. I'm not a fish guy. All right, I see what we've done to the ocean. I'm like, why don't we just leave the fish alone? Let. Let the schools build back up again, you know? And then I've also seen that man made salmon, you know, like, by the way, if you're making man made salmon, is there a reason you can't make it in a healthy way? Do you have to make that much money that there's maggots and cloudy over the things eyes? These people, I swear to God, they're just. You're gonna feed that to people? How is that not terrorism? How is that not treason? I don't know.
- [26:48]
Paul Virzi
Oh, I know why.
- [26:49]
Bill Burr
Because they're not telling jokes.
- [26:53]
Andrew Theles
That's why.
- [26:53]
Bill Burr
That's what separates it. You can poison the food supply and you can sell people arms.
- [27:03]
Paul Virzi
There you go.
- [27:04]
Bill Burr
I get it, I get it. Just don't fucking tell them jokes.
- [27:06]
Paul Virzi
Oh, Jesus.
- [27:08]
Bill Burr
Oh, Jesus. We got our fucking priority straight around here. Poison that person, do not make them laugh. Understood?
- [27:20]
Andrew Theles
Sir, yes, sir.
- [27:21]
Bill Burr
Yes, Sergeant. That many other passive aggressive comments to come. Anyway, plowing ahead here. So I just got to eat better. Which is fine. Which is fine. You know what I mean? Oh, Billy. Belly's got to take it down. I, I, I, I gained this weight and I've had it on for five years, you know, since my son is born. The pandemic and all of that and a thousand other excuses. So now. But I'm locked in. I have a doctor now. I get blood work done, and I'm just gonna keep, I'm just gonna go there every, like, six months, check in. All right? You don't see me dying in the next six months. All right, good. Oh, you do? All right, well, let's fix that. Just being a responsible old dad is what I want to do. And anyway, I got to get stricter as a dad. My kids just don't respect me and it's their complete lack of respect and the jokes that they make. What I try to tell them to do something and they, it just makes me laugh, which makes them more disrespectful. So it's, I'm in this circle of silliness with them. Even my daughter said it. I'm like, why don't you guys listen to me? She goes, because you're the fun parent. Everybody knows that. Fun parent, read crushing. Need to be liked. Overriding the job that I need to be doing. Every once in a while, though. Every once in a while, though. But I, I really have to, I got to go up like three octaves before they listen to me. I got to throw it at guys. That's when I'm halfway there. But when I do a full on. Hey, then it always causes them to jump and then I feel bad. So I, I gotta work on my regular speaking voice, you know, and I gotta sort of inject a little. I'm not around here, you know, little art form or whatever fucking Dodgers is that. Are we really gonna watch another billion dollar team win it again? It's so stupid. So dumb, you know, I just, I don't understand. But Major League Baseball is all right, though, because brewers are in it. The Mariners are in. It's like, all right, well, there's some things coming around here. Blue Jays, you know, Blue Jays haven't been this far in a while, right? So there's sort of parody, but not. But yes. Like, I don't know where the Dodgers got all this fucking money. They were literally going bankrupt or something. Then Magic Johnson came in. Magic Johnson, who? Like, nobody really seems to understand that that guy is as good a businessman as he was a basketball player. I mean, I think he was already crushing it in the business world, like, before he was done playing. Amazing. But I haven't said that I. You know, you spend $750 million on one player, and I know they don't give it to that. They don't. That's his overall contract. But still, you had the money, you know, no wonder that guy pays his interpreter so much, you know, but you got to watch out. You know, you try to be a good shot. Next thing you know, your interpreter's $14 million in debt. I mean, it's gambling debts. I mean, it's a slippery slope. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Enjoy the football this weekend. Have a great weekend.
- [31:04]
Andrew Theles
You can't.
- [31:04]
Bill Burr
And I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 16, 2017. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Freckles is in a good mood. He is in a great mood. What a. What a fucking great win. A gutty great win by the New England Patriots. Non controversial, nothing to complain about. I don't understand what the jets are going. It was clearly.
- [31:48]
Paul Virzi
Hey, the guy looked like.
- [31:49]
Bill Burr
You ever see when, like, people join the Mafia and they got to hold that little candle? Like, he was doing that from one hand to another. Clearly not a catch. I mean, oh, he caught it and then it was a fumble. I'm fucking with you, you green cunts. I don't get it either. That looked like a touchdown to me. And you know what sucks? I wish that they called it a touchdown because then it would have been tied up and I could have watched Tom Brady go right down the field and break your green hearts once again. The fucking nerve of you Jet fans to act like you got fucked out of a victory. What you got? You know what you got. The nf. The refs gave you mercy. They gave you some mercy. Let's just put them out of their fucking misery. Come on, man. Think of how many you fucking fair weather bastards because of that call, we're able to go down there and get to your fucking green and white Hyundai, whatever the fuck it is you're driving right and left the stadium early because of that wonderful, accurate call. I'm fucking with you guys. I'm Just being a douche. I don't, I don't get it either. I don't. I, I wish it was a call. I wish it was called a touchdown. Then it would have been tied up. Would have been an exciting game. It was exciting game, but, you know, add to the drama. Tie score. Who's going to win? The jets, who the Patriots have used as a fucking blow up doll for the last 15 years. They're sick of it. They're sick of losing to the. They're sick of losing to these New England Patriots, these Patriots of New England. This is what I love. You know what was my favorite part of that game was when the jets scored the first touchdown to go up 7 to nothing. If you can look at the highlight, look in the crowd. The dude, the Jet fan with the. He's got the jersey on, he's holding his smartphone and he's giving double fingers at like one of the New England Patriots defensive backs. Like, fuck you. I gotta admit, as a sports fan, I know what that feeling is like. You know, I haven't known it for a good 15 years, 16, 17 years, but I, you know, the first 32 years of my life, 34 years, you know, depending on the sport, was. That's what it was. We just did not win. I saw myself back when the Patriots would always lose to the Dolphins and Dan Marino. Like, we, we'd finally sack him somehow finally sack him and he'd be on the ground and be like, fuck you. Like, we finally got him. So I took that as a nod of respect to the Patriots as much as. Plus the guy, he's a real fan, man, if he gives a shit that much. So anyways, I'm out here. I am manic right now because I am in a mild depression. I miss my family so much. I'm gonna try to. And I'll get him to fly out here this week. This is fucking ridiculous. I got to see my kid. One way or another, I got to see my kids. So I just been. I've just been fucking watching sports, everybody. That's all I've been doing. I mean, I know I always do it, but like, I literally was like, what am I gonna do on Saturday? You know, they don't shoot on weekends. What am I gonna do out here? I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. So I drove three hours up and three hours back. I went to that Tennessee volunteer game against the, the South Carolina Gamecocks. The messy Sea accent. I gotta be swapping some paint. I went up There. And it was. It was fucking awesome. It was a great drive. You know, if you're a comedian, you gotta love driving after a while. And you also gotta love driving by yourself. You know, if you're. If you're comedian, you don't like doing that, you usually end up getting an acting career or a writing career, or you just quit the business. I don't know what is. But I've always enjoyed it. So I had a great time driving up there. I never drove from Atlanta into Chattanooga up to Knoxville. I want to see what it looks like. And I was driving up there, it was a 12 noon game, so I didn't leave it, like quarter to 8 in the morning. But this is good because it can go all the way up there. It's gonna be three hours for the game and three hours to drive back by the time I get back. I can still do a spot down the street at the club. Ian Edwards is going to be down there. One of the best fucking comedians in the country that nobody, not enough people know about. All right? Like, I looked up the other day, I looked up this guitarist. I found this guitarist that, you know, was, for the while, was known as the greatest guitarist nobody ever heard of. Like, Danny Gotten or something like that. I got to get his fucking name right. The guy's unbelievable. He's. I mean, unfortunately, he's dead, but, you know, guy was. He was like a fucking Danny Gatton. G, A T, T O N. Look that guy up, and there's a thing. When he plays Austin City Limits, where I'm gonna be next week, I'm at the new one, not the one he was at. They say he plays a song. They say with a beer can. He actually does it with a beer bottle. I've seen people do it, the slide and all that. But watch what happens, because the beer gets all over, like, starts. You know, there's beer in there, so it starts fizzing up. It gets all over his fretboard. And then he puts a towel over the fretboard to dry it off while continuing to play. I've never seen. I mean, I've seen a lot of tricks. It was amazing. So, Ian Edwards, I'm telling you, you got to see. You got to see that guy. It's just there's something wrong with our fucking business that more people don't know who that guy is. So I was like, I got to go down and go see him do a set. And plus, not only that, that'll take up my whole fucking Saturday. Then I'll stay out late enough, I come home, fall asleep, Boom. Done, right? So anyway, so I'm dry, I'm driving up through northern fucking Georgia into southern Tennessee and there's all this fucking traffic. So the robot lady and my phone starts talking to me, creeping me out, telling me there's a quicker way. And it's just like, how do you have time to pay attention to me?
- [37:48]
Paul Virzi
Who are you?
- [37:49]
Bill Burr
But thank you. So I get off the fucking road and I'm driving up north there and I went by this fucking house. You know those houses where they. Somebody just has like 20 old cars sitting in the front yard. This fucking lunatic had like 30 not cars. He had riding mowers. Not like the landscape level ones like the ones like your dad had, you know, and you try to fucking, you know, steal the keys to take it out or whatever. You'd run over a friend of yours and he'd lose a foot or whatever. You know, that type of shit. Jesus. What's going on out here? Oh, Christ. Is a gay pride parade still going on? Is anything on fire? They had the gay pride parade out here. Went right by the hotel yesterday. And you know, it's fucking funny. There's always one guy who has to just ruin it. You know what I mean? There's always one guy that just ruins it for everybody else. Like, you know, sports fans are cool. And then just one douchebag at a Panthers game has to turn around and blast a 63 year old guy in the face. Not once, not twice, not three times a lady, four times. At least they caught the guy. Dude, that guy is looking. I think it's some serious jail time. Serious jail time. You know, the first two, maybe he could get some fucking, you know, Andy Griffith, Laura going, well, you know, emotions were running high. And that guy, he said a lot of names. Calling him, going back and forth, you know, we just, well, you know, got a little bit hot on the collar, right? Maybe he could, I don't know what, just get him a couple, like a month in jail or something. It's the fact that they broke it up and he came back for those last two brutal ones. Jesus Christ. And I hope old people learn something out there. Okay? You know, as much as it hurts your lower back, you got to keep that head moving. Can't. You can't just be a stationary target. These goddamn old people, you know, it's like if you want to talk shit, you. You gotta move your fucking head. I'm sorry. Anyways, this fucking guy, he had like 30 riding lawnmowers sitting in his front yard. I was doing like 70 miles an hour when I drove past it. And I wasn't gonna stop because I was worried I wasn't gonna get to the game in time. And it was fucking hilarious. The ironic part was like the grass had all grown up around him. Like this front yard needed to be mowed, but he couldn't mow it because he had snip. You know, he had all the fucking tractors. Do you get it, people? There's something. There's a joke in there somewhere. I just don't know where. Anyways, I ended up getting up there to the stadium, the Tennessee game place I always wanted to go to. And it was. It was awesome. And not only that, as a freckled, borderline albino cunt, I picked the perfect row. I called up StubHub and I told him, I said, I'm an old man who gets sunburned. I want to be in the lower deck, right above the roof of the, you know, of the upper deck. And the lady's like, okay, well, actually, for once I looked at the. The stadium map, you know, and, you know, soon, ladies, I know you don't give a. You just. You just sold a ticket to a World cup game. Now I'm. Now I'm. I brought you into Tennessee, you know, you don't even know where you're at. So I went with row 57. And it was the perfect row. It was the last row that the sun didn't touch because I was on the visitor side. If you ever go to the stadium, the sun creeps up the visitor side, it goes down on the home side. So it creeped all the way up to row 56. And at the end of the game, it was on like from like mid calf down. I fucking. I nailed it. I mean, actually, if I did 58, it would have been perfect, but it was just. It was an awesome time. One of the biggest stadiums. I believe it's the fifth largest stadium as far as the amount of people that it holds. And it's an old school stadium. Fuck. I didn't even have the nerve to go in the bathroom. I just saw this door that looked like a fucking closet door. And I was like, there's a bathroom in there. There's no way. There's not piss troughs in there. And I am not peeing in a fucking piss trough. I'm not doing it. And I gotta tell you, when you're on the lower level and you're walking through there, you feel like you're in a bunker if you're claustrophobic. I wouldn't do it. I got all these great pictures. I gotta post them, man. They're just like. The stadium is so fucking cool and I have to go there. You know, they have a decent team. I want to go there to an SEC game. At night, under the lights, when it fucking matters. Underrated city, Knoxville. Underrated. Chattanooga, Tennessee's the shit. You go to Nashville. Nashville is like Austin, Texas, where it's just everybody's moved. Or Atlanta, everybody's just. They're just fucking overcrowded and they're two great cities. So I went there. You know, the fucking band's playing. You know, there wasn't a bunch of screaming and yelling. They didn't have giant flat screen fucking TVs and explosions and shit. It was just. It was like the old school, just going to a game. There was a hilarious guy in my section, which there always is. You just can't hear him now when you go to a game. There was this fucking big fat dude. Dude, there was a lot of fatties at the game. Tennessee, what's going on up there? Lay off the fucking barbecue. Jesus Christ. I could tell why you guys love those fucking checkered overalls. Hold your fucking beer belly really nicely. This guy was fucking hilarious. He looked like he was dressed like Herb Tarlock, except it was all Tennessee gear. And he was so fucking amped up for the game and he was getting the section going. And he would always get right up to the borderline. Is this guy fucking nuts? And then you'd look at him, he'd have this shit eating grin on his face, like, laughing at himself, knowing that he was nuts, that he was getting this amped up for the game. But it was a great game. And I stayed till the end like my mother taught me. And it came right down to the last play. I fucking, you know, I videotaped it while I looked over so I could watch it, you know, live and not look at it through my screen. And it looks like the guy had a chance. It looked like it went right to his, his, his fingers. And it didn't work, whatever. And then I drove fucking back. I came down here, I went down to the Laughing Skull, and I got to watch the great Ian Edwards. Just fucking blew me away. I'm telling you right now, if you get a chance to see that guy live, you got to do it. You got to do it before he blows up. Hung out with him, some of his friends. Got a grilled cheese sandwich and some French fries. Late night. Oh, Jesus. Just eating like a fat chick on prom night. I'm depressed, all right. Fucking dealing with this shit. So anyways, so that was that day. So then Sunday comes along. I'm like, well, how am I gonna kill this day of loneliness? And it's like, oh, shit, The Atlanta Falcons are home. They got a fucking home game. Holy shit. They're playing the Dolphins. Fucking Jake Cutler. I'm gonna go see that. I've already saw them play against the Rams this year. No, the Chargers this year.
- [44:54]
Paul Virzi
Year.
- [44:54]
Bill Burr
I'll go down and go check up and evidently the. The fucking Falcons have this new dome stadium that's going to be unbelievable. So I was like, all right, I'll go to this fucking game. Last time I was here was in fucking 2004. I saw Michael Vick back when he was drowning the dogs and nobody knew. The most electrifying fucking football player I ever saw. Every time he went out of the pocket, the whole stadium stood up like it was the last play of a championship game. And a Hail Mary was coming. Place would go crazy, right? So I'm like, all right, I'm gonna go over there. I don't have a ticket. I'll be all right. I'm just. I'll scalp a ticket. I'll sit at the top of the stadium. Who gives a fuck? So I get over there and there's like, no scalpers. And I'm like, what the f. Oh, no, no, I didn't. The gay pride parade. I walked through the gay pride parade. I got to get back to the one guy who ruins it. So it's a typical gay pride parade. Bunch of people fucking rainbows on their faces, you know, a couple guys walking around in high heel shoes.
- [45:52]
Andrew Theles
Shoes.
- [45:52]
Bill Burr
Gay Pride parade. Everybody's having a good time. What's not to like, right? There's always the one dude who has to ruin it. This jerk off is standing there on the side of the road. He has like a giant dick and balls, like balloon animal that was is like 3/4 the size of his body. This giant pink, erect dick with balls. And it's just like, dude, there's kids here. This fuck. What is wrong with you? This is what blows my mind, is you're able to do that at the gay Pride parade. I'm trying to think of a parade that I could go to with a giant inflated vagina with kids around and just in public. I just don't think you could do it. But anyways, hey, I'm trying to be progressive. God bless this guy with this giant dick and balls, like fucking twisted up balloon animal. I actually had to wonder if that was like a plant from the religious right to show all gay people represent them as, like, they just see sexually deviant fucking people, you know, like, you always see those conspiracy theories that they have, you know, whenever there's a peaceful demonstration, they send somebody down there to throw a rock through a window just to get everybody going to start rioting. So they, you know, all the people protesting get to be lumped in with that one douchebag. So whatever. So I totally judged this guy with his giant fucking balloon twisted dick and balls going, what a fucking. What the fuck is wrong. How the fuck was this guy raised? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Smash cut to me. Not even 20 minutes later when I find there's no scalpers and I go up to the fucking. One of the ticket windows, they say they're sold out. And the only way to get a ticket is I have to go on my phone to Ticketmaster. And I have no idea how to do this. I've avoided computers. I don't. I don't. I just. I'm bad with the shit, you know what I mean? You know, like. Like me trying to figure out this shit is like to ask somebody, like somebody tone deaf to sing a fucking song, you know, it's just you can't do it, right? So could you tell? I got a text message in the middle of that. I didn't even finish off whatever funny thought I was trying to have there. Mildly amusing thought I was trying to have. So anyways, I fucking get over the stadium and now I gotta figure out this tick Ticketmaster thing. So I walk away like, and just like cursing my fucking brains out. Fucking, goddamn fucking cock sucking Buck Rogers fucking cunty bullshit. Walking by, kids and shit. And I see parents looking at me like, dude, what the fuck? And in the way in the back of my head is that voice of reason. Hey, Bill, Bill. There's no reason to get this, to get this crazy. Come on, reel it in. There's children here. And I just did the fucking demon in me. Just fucking cock sucking motherfucking cunts, right? So I sit down like a little fucking boy, like a little. Like the little fucking baby that I am. Jesus Christ, Bill, download the fucking app and figure it out. Trying to figure out it's not working. I'm just. Every time it wouldn't work, I'm like, dude, what the fuck? I would literally yell that loud. People walking by looking like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? Right? And finally some 20 something security kid came walking by with his yellow coat. I was just like, dude, I'm an old bastard. I don't know how to do this. Can you help me out with this? And he was just like, yeah, just click on this, click on this, click on that again. All right, there it is. There's a ticket. And I'm just sitting there looking at saying, I'm like, this is a ticket. He's like, yeah, it's a ticket. I go, what do I do? And he's just laughing. He goes, just bring your phone. And then they scan it. I'm like, this is gonna work. And he's like, yeah. So now I'm standing in line. I have so little faith that technology is going to work for me. All I could think of was Midnight Express in the beginning of the movie when the dude has the drugs taped to him. I'm like, I'm going to get. This isn't going to work. They're going to toss me out of the fucking stadium and I'm going to be out this, whatever 100 bucks or whatever I paid for this ticket. And it went up and they scanned it and it worked. And I was like, wow, what the fuck? It worked. Then I was just like, well, what's with. How do I add this to my. All my stack of tickets? Do I got to fucking put my phone in there now? Do I take a picture of it and then print it out on my printer and then that's the ticket. I don't get it. So anyways, I go into this stadium and Jesus Christ, I'm telling you, you gotta go to this stadium. This is the best NFL stadium out there. It is like, I mean my, my top of the new ones before that, I mean, you gotta go Cowboy Stadium. Even though that TV is just so big and obnoxious, it's actually stupid. If they took the TV out of there, the Cowboys, I think they would like, you know what I mean? The Cowboys stadium is like, I don't know, you ever see like a beautiful woman that's just absolutely shit faced and she's got like fucking lipstick on her teeth and red wine breath and you're just like, oh my God, she's getting, you know, and she's a 10, but you're like, get the fuck away from me. Right? That's what the Cowboys stadium, that's what that TV is just fucks up the whole stadium. And the Seahawks have a great stadium even though they're cheating, making their crowd sound louder than it is. But Anyways, speaking of cheaters, the fucking Atlanta Falcons, who got caught pumping crowd noise in. So I'm at this cheaters, right? I'm in the stadium, dude. It's fucking breathtaking. It's one of the cleanest, design, sickest, fucking. Like, Jerry Jones is going to be upset if he. I'm sure he's. He got on his private plane, you know, getting Botox injections on the way over there. I'm sure when he walked in there, these goddamn motherfuckers, right? He's goddamn motherfuckers. He probably fucking. I don't know. God help the woman that he's banging that weekend. Jerry, I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Oh, shut the fuck up, bitch. Just taking out everything on her, dude. That stadium is fucking. I felt like I was in a spaceship. It was fucking awesome. I'm just like, you know, and it was great. I'm missing my family. I'm down there. I'm just like, oh, good, good. Now I'm in a good mood. And, dude, I am sitting at the top of the stadium, and it's still fucking awesome. I was so fucking high up when the plane plays were happening. You could kind of just watch the whole defense, you know? I love doing that. When you go to a game, when you sit up high, just watching the defense, you kind of have, like, in your peripheral where the ball's going and just trying to see, you know, the lineman. If they come down and try to pick up a linebacker or something like that, or like, you know, try to figure out which receiver is open. I'm a nerd. I love doing that shit. However, I gotta tell you something, man. The experience of going to that game, I. I get that the NFL cares, but Jesus Christ, I think the NFL has kind of forgot that sports is like an escape, you know what I mean? Especially now with social media and all that. You just can't get away with all the. Just all the shit that's. Oh, my God, this. This city just got hit by a hurricane.
- [52:55]
Jake the Snake
This made.
- [52:55]
Bill Burr
Oh, my God, Puerto Rico. Then why. Why isn't. Why aren't they getting help out there? You know what I mean? All these veterans are coming back. They commit suicide. Blah, blah, blah. All this fucking shit, it's just. It's fucking brutal. So what do you do? You need to shut it off for a while. You go to a fucking game. This was the experience at the Atlanta game. First of all, dude, it was so fucking loud in there. And just take all this with a grain of Salt. Because I'm an old cunt. All right? I get in. It was so fucking loud. They have these giant flat screens up at the top all going around in a circle. And they're amazing. I don't think that they're too big and they're not hanging down in your face, so they're not really that distracting or anything. But it was like the cheerleaders came out and they fucking were playing this music. I felt like I was in an AC DC concert. It was that fucking loud. And all of a sudden, like, Sam Jackson. No, no, no, wait, before that. Wait, before that. Little John and another Atlanta rapper. I don't. I mean, I'm white as shit. I don't know who the fuck this guy is. I'm sure he's great. Whatever. They did like a public service announcement on fan behavior, all right? Which I'm sure is based off the one cunt who fucking punched the 63 year old guy four times in the face. So now we got to get a lecture on how to be human beings. And they just sit there going like, you know, dona, you know, don't be discourteous to the people next to you. It was funny. It was really bland copy. And watching Little John trying to, like add something to it was hilarious. And at one point they say, don't say anything racial. I believe that's what they were saying. It was so loud, it was echoing and I couldn't hear it. And then there was something about not saying anything politically charged. I was just like, where the fuck am I right now? Who the fuck gives a shit about politics? I'm at a football game. Who gives a fuck? I'm trying to think back when I was a kid, when I went to a Bruins Patriots game or something like that, you know, in the late 80s. I don't ever remember anybody yelling out shit about Mike Dukakis versus George Bush Senior. Anyways, let me get back to this guy real quick. Yeah, so they said, today this whole fucking thing happens. And then the fucking cheerleaders come out and they're playing some fucking crazy loud song. All this DJ shit. They're out there dancing, shaking their ass. I literally had my fingers in my ears, like, jesus Christ, I should have brought earplugs to this fucking thing. And then out of nowhere, Sam Jackson starts fucking screaming at everybody to get up. Something about the heartbeat. You know, we gotta fucking do this. First of all, it's like, sam Jackson, you're from New York. When did you start giving a shit about the Falcons? You know, What? I mean. I mean, you would think he had enough Capital One money to take a fucking weekend off. The guy's in Star Wars. He is like, Capital One. He's everywhere you want to be, right? This fucking guy's screaming and he's doing the whole fucking. Like. It was something about a heartbeat. He yelled some shit. We got a fucking gun out there. And then this giant heartbeat would go, gah guh. Deafening. And then they'd cut to, like, you know, and when it was, like, beating, they would cut to, like an Atlantic falcon, like, thumping his chest. Mean mugging you. And I'm just. Dude, I'm not playing. I don't need to get this amped up. Screaming and fucking yelling. It was so loud and so fucking distracting that I didn't even notice that the fucking players had taken the field. And what alerted me that the players had taken the field was after Capital One, Sam Jackson had stopped screaming and the heartbeat had ended. All of a sudden, I hear a locomotive train horn. It just goes, whaaaat? Loud as shit. And they kicked the ball off, so it was the cheerleaders. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sam Jackson. Get the fuck up, you motherfuckers, you. And then. And after all of that shit, the fucking ball just goes out of the back of the end zone. And then the announcer just goes, touch back, Atlanta. So I burst out laughing, and the lady next to me starts laughing, and I look at her like she saw what I saw and thought it was funny. And she was just laughing because I made her uncomfortable because I was at the game by myself and I just bursted out laughing. So I think I came off as, like, a crazy person. All right? And then. Then I. All this shit starts happening, okay? And intertwined with all of this is, like, the trail of tears that for some reason, the NFL, I don't know what they're trying to do. I understand that there's a lot of people suffering in the world. I get it. I do benefits. I give to charities. You know, I try to do my fucking part. I don't know what the solution is. I don't know why we can't get along. I don't know why there's disease and all that. But what we do have is we have music and we have sports, and it's a way to kind of get away from it, right? This is what the. I saw at the game, okay? The game starts, and they have a veteran who's missing a leg, runs out with the flag, okay? Which is uplifting, but also depressing. He lost his leg. I'm like, ah, these kids, man, this whole generation, generations at this point we gotta be in the second generation that's over there fighting wars. Why, why, why, why do we stop try to solve things this way? This poor fucking guy, man, he's losing, he missed. He's lost a leg, all right? So I'm thinking about people losing limbs in the war. The lady goes out, the lady goes out to sing the national anthem. Now, it was so fucking loud when they announced, I forget what her cause was. There was some sort of ribbon and it was cancer related. So we got the one legged vet and then I'm like, ah, fuck the veterans. Ah, Jesus Christ. God, how do we get out of this fucking war, right? I'm thinking about that, then I'm thinking about people with cancer. And then the coin toss, they bring this cute little boy out, nine year old kid or something who survived bone marrow cancer. And then I start thinking, oh my God, what if my, that's horrible. What if my kid ever got cancer? How would I handle that? What would I do? Oh my God, if my kid died, I'd fucking kill myself. I start, I'm thinking suicidal fucking thoughts here, all right? Then the fucking game starts. Touch back, Atlanta, right? They're playing all this shit, loud as fucking shit. And I'm trying to shake off all the misery of the world that I've been reminded of. Like five different examples. And then out of nowhere this, they show this woman, they show this guy on the screen and then they show this woman who's married to the guy and she's now a widow because the dude died in Afghanistan. And I'm like, oh my God, she lost her husband. Oh, the poor woman, that's fucking terrible. And then they cut to her wearing an Atlantic Falcons jersey with their two kids who are now fatherless, wearing the jersey, smiling and waving at this giant fucking flat screen. And all I'm thinking is like, those fucking kids are going to grow up without a father. Second down in three, Atlanta, right? I'm just like, what the, what is going on here? It was one of the most depressing. Dude, there was like nine minutes left in the first quarter. And in case you missed the veteran running out with one leg, they fucking showed that again. And all I could think at that point is like, what is the halftime show going to be? Am I going to watch somebody die in an iron lung while their family members are holding hands crying? And then the PA announcer be like, yeah, that's right. Look at them, look at their Misery. Do you people realize how lucky you are? You don't have to spend your life in your own personal submarine, inhaling and exhaling may. Jesus Christ NFL. Why stop there? How about every time they fucking throw the ball, you show me the cow that was slaughtered so they could have the skin anytime they shoot T shirts into the crowd. Why don't you just show me the fucking sweatshop labor that put it together? You know what it is? Caring is a great fucking thing, but how about you pick a cause rather than they. I mean, what did they show in the. I mean, I left. I left with like five minutes left in the second quarter. It was just like, you know what? This is a great stadium. I want to be here with the friends and shit. And I'm already depressed that I'm on the fucking road. I'm missing my family. I came here to get away from that sadness. And I've been reminded that I'm kind of being selfish because there's. People have way bigger sadness than I do. And somewhere in all of that, I saw a balloon fucking dick and balls twisted fucking balloon animal while kids were walking by. I'll tell you, it was a hell of a day, you know, so I actually. And I saw that the jets were coming at the Pats, and I was like, why don't I just go sit in a bar and watch this thing? This is the other thing too. Like, I just. I just don't 100% buy that the fucking NFL truly cares that much, you know what I mean? Because, you know, they got busted whenever they show a veteran in the crowd. We have one of our heroes here. Ba ba ba ba ba ba. The whatever branch of the service they're showing, they have to pay the NFL, they considered a recruitment video. Like it like a commercial. I heard they recently adjusted it. I don't know. But what the fuck, right? How much fucking money do you have to make? So I believe the owners individually, I believe that they all care about these causes. I'm sure all of them have had, you know, friends or whatever fighting in wars have been touched, you know, unfortunately had a family or family or a friend that got cancer or something like that. But I really have to believe that just because it is a corporation and the way that they handled. The way that they've handled their players, you know what I mean? But all the brain damage and shit, and they just fucking ignored it, allegedly, after they knew about it. And then when they did the class action suit against the NFL, they basically gave every player like 800 or 1,000 bucks. It just comes off like a PR move, like that. They feel that they can grow their brand. This is my conspiracy theory. I'm not saying I'm right. I think the NFL resents soccer, that it's worldwide. And the ufc, that started well after them, that also went global. I think they want to go global, and I think they've reached the maximum amount of sports fans. So now they're trying to grow their brand through caring. Everybody's trying to show how much they care. Or maybe it's a symptom of this fucking social media craziness where everybody's like, I don't know, just going nuts, screaming and yelling at people that they try to get out in front of it and care about every cause that's out there. I have no fucking idea. But all I know is I went to that game, you know, going, all right, let me kill a day here and forget how much I'm missing my wife and my kid. And I went there and it's just like, wow. I guess the good thing was I realized I don't have a lot. I don't have. My troubles aren't as big as other people's troubles, but Jesus fucking Christ, NFL. How about you just pick one? Pick one. You know, the Fred Sox always had the Jimmy fun. You know, they had that. And it was.
- [64:51]
Andrew Theles
That was it.
- [64:52]
Bill Burr
That was. I mean, Jesus, it was fucking unreal. So anyways, having said that, you got to go to the stadium. You got to go to the stadium. All right? But I would. Before you go to the Falcons stadium, I would recommend you watch Raising Arizona. Watch something really funny. Get yourself in a really elevated mood, because they are going to bring you down. They are gonna bring you fucking down. Jesus Christ. The only thing that they were. You know. And plus, it's also like, what they choose to care about is really fucking like, planned out, too. Like, I'm waiting for one of those NFL teams to bring out a bunch of fucking recovered heroin addicts that got addicted through pain pills, that they got through the pharmaceutical industry that is allegedly basically synthetic heroin dealers. Why don't they show that? Oh, that's right, because pharmaceutical companies advertise on those networks. They're not going to show that shit. They're not going to bite the hand that feeds. They're not going to go, well, why do people keep getting cancer? Why is cancer through the fucking roof? Let's look at pesticides. Let's look at what we're doing to our food supply. Stay away from that. Stay away from that big on the military. Big on the military. To the point literally, of, like, I felt in a way that I was so sort of in Like a Clockwork Orange. And they should have just had my eyes taped open as they're selling me, you know, our foreign policy, like, squirting tears into my eyes. It's just like, you know, it's like, guys, what you're getting involved with is way more complex than a football game, okay? So just keep it simple. Stupid, as people have always told me. So anyways, that was my experience. Overall, it was a great experience. I feel bad that I left the fucking game. My mother always taught me never to leave the game. And I left and I. The Dolphins came back and won. And oh, by the way, here's another loud thing. Anytime it was third down, this is hilarious. Anytime it was third down, this lunatic would just go third down to get the crowd, like, amped up. And it's just like, dude, I have a flat screen TV in front of me that is easily two and a half times the size of my fucking house in. And it says third and two. I can see it. I don't know. But having said all that, I'm going to give a shout out here to the. Whoever the fuck designed that fucking stadium. It is unbelievable. It's gorgeous. And the college super bowl is there this year if you want to blow some fucking money. And the super bowl is going to be there next year. It's fucking amazing. It's amazing. And the NFL cares, you know, it's another great one is Ford, Ford Motor Company. They got a tie out there where they go, 100% of the proceeds go to fight cancer, which is great because a lot of times it's a portion of the proceeds and they keep a lot of it. So I will commend Ford for that. But what's hilarious is their website is something like FordCares.com it's like, well, I'm glad you care about that because you certainly didn't give a fuck where you put the gas tank and the Pinto and the Crown Vic, did you? Anyways, all right, that's it. I'm done with my sports rants here. But thank you to the NFL and thank you to the world of college sports. You guys got me through this fucking weekend of loneliness. Thank you to the new punchline in Atlanta. I got to do a spot there last night in the laughing skull down the street. I've been having a great time trying to stay sharp with my act, and I. Guys, I can't Tell you the name. I don't know what I can. I can't talk about the movie that I'm in, but I think. I think this one's gonna be a good one. Dude, I am, like, really excited looking at all of, like, the shots that the direct. I don't want to say the director's name because I never know what the he can say and can't say. But the shots that I've been seeing, it's literally, I'm sitting like, dude, I'm gonna be in this thing now watch. They're gonna cut my. They'll cut my part out. When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut? All right, you know what? Let's. Let's do a little advertising here. All right. What do we got here? All right. Hey, guess what I started watching yesterday on Netflix. I watched. I watched the first episode of Narcos, and it's funny, I tried to watch it the first time, and I don't know, I think the subtitles, I got intimidated because in the beginning, they have this whole fucking thing about magical mysticism or some bullshit like that. And it's on the screen, whatever the paragraph is before that, it goes by too fucking quick. I can't read it. And then I'm just like, okay, if this is going to be the pace of the reading, I'm not gonna be able to keep up with it. Well, anyways, I'm lonely on the road. I finally figured out my Netflix account. It's fucking hilarious. I got a show on Netflix and I never watch it because I. I just. I don't know. I just. I don't interact well with computers and all of this shit. And then once there's passwords, I'm going to forget the password, and then I'm going to say, email me my password, and then somehow it's going to end up in my junk folder and I won't be able to find it. And I just figured, you know what? Fuck it. I'll just put on METV and watch the Rockford Files, right? Well, I finally figured it out, and I watched the first episode of Narcos, and I am 100% in. What a goddamn shoot. Also, by the way, the producers of the show, whatever the production company, whatever you say is Gomont, which also does F is for family. How fucking great are they? So anyways, when I watched that first fucking episode, when he's sitting there talking to those army guys and starts naming their names, when Pablo Escobar is doing that, and he starts, you know, just letting them know that he knows all of their family's members and like, basically, you know, without saying it, something bad's gonna happen to him. I still don't understand why they just didn't take a gun and blow his fucking brains up. There's no loyalty in. In that world. Once you fucking killed him, then all. Then they would. They. You cut the head off the snake. I know I'm oversimplifying this, but I'm just saying this. If there's any DEA agents that are listening here, if he just blew his brains out right then and there, wouldn't all the other gangsters underneath him want to then be the next Pablo Escobar? So then they would start fighting with each other. Wouldn't that happen? And then they would have to establish. Then they would have to pay up. They'd have to start all over again. Like, hey, we had a deal with Pablo. He paid us off. You didn't. You know, wouldn't it start all over again? And then they wouldn't have time to come after your family. I know, I know. I probably totally fucking oversimplified that fucking thing, didn't I? All right, how much time do I have left here? Oh, Billy's got to hit the fucking treadmill. All right? Keep his little fucking. You know, I haven't been boozing. I've been doing all right. I haven't been doing the greatest. I've been fucking.
- [72:01]
Paul Virzi
I'm not gonna lie to you.
- [72:02]
Bill Burr
I'm in a. I'm in a fucking mild depression right now. And. But I'm gonna see my. My wife and my daughter this week. Hopefully, somehow I'm gonna get him out here.
- [72:14]
Paul Virzi
All right.
- [72:15]
Bill Burr
Okay, let's. Let's read some of the fucking. Oh, wait a minute. I get an All Things Comedy Festival podcast read. That's right. I'm doing my first live Monday morning podcast. This could be a total fucking train wreck. No matter what, it's going to be exciting. We're having our first All Things Comedy Festival at the end of the month, October 26th through the 29th, in Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be there recording my first ever live Monday morning podcast. The great legendary Doug Stanhope is doing his podcast at the Orpheum Theater. Bert Kreischer, Ari Shafir, and the Crab Feast are also on the lineup. We're taking over downtown Phoenix with the Pop up podcast studio, and the whole network is going to be there. If you're in the Phoenix area, come and hang out with us. Go to allthingscommy.com. get your tickets. Absolutely. I'm going to be walking around, fucking shaking hands, kissing babies.
- [73:14]
Paul Virzi
Right.
- [73:16]
Bill Burr
Doing public service announcements on a. On a giant flat screen TV reminding you that people still get tuberculosis. Anything I can do to depress you at our podcast. No, I'm not. I'm not gonna do that. Afterwards, I'll do a meet and greet at the end of the fucking, you know, at the end of the. The mm podcast, whatever, the live thing, you know, I'll do all of that unless I have a really bad show, and then I'll just go in the back and cry. All right, let's get to the questions here. All right, Bill, did everyone know about Harvey Weinstein? And then parentheses from a lady. All right. I don't know why he had to let me know. It's from a woman. Okay. Hey, Bill, I'm a big fan of your podcast, and your show I saw in Montreal earlier this year was epic. Seeing a master at work is a beautiful thing. Ah, you buttered me up. You buttered me up. I have a lot of respect for you as a straightforward forward guy. Oh, look, this person's brilliant. She's going, you know, you're brilliant at what you do. I know that you never lie. This is great. This is the way you ask a question if you want to get an honest answer. You're one of the few I'll believe unequivocally on this subject. Do you think everyone in Hollywood knew about Harvey Weinstein? I can totally understand how no one spoke out until now. He was scared, Jerry, and clearly had the press in his pocket. I'd like to think I would have spoken out, but honestly, I probably would have put my life and career on the line with little chance of taking him down. I just wish all the stars feigning shock would just be honest and admit they knew they didn't have the balls, parentheses, or were too smart to step up. Would love to hear Nia's thoughts on this. So would I, but she's not here. Congratulations on your amazing and daughter. Love hearing about you being a dad. Go yourself. All right, first of all, thank you for talking to me as if I'm on the big star level and I know what all of them think. I got to be honest with you, I didn't know a thing about that guy other than he had a lot of hit movies. I came up as a stand up comedian and have risen to the having a vulgar animated show on Netflix. That's. That's the level I got to. So I'VE done some movies with some pretty big people, but his name never came up. So if I had to guess, I imagine a lot of people knew that he around on his wife. This is all speculation. I have no, but I don't know, I think the women that he did it to obviously, you know, allegedly got to say alleged, not trying to get sued here. It's still all alleged. He has not been convicted of anything. The 58 people that came out with the same fucking story, it's all alleged. I'd have to think that they knew and then their friends would know. But how far it goes from that, it's, it's, it's, I don't know. I have no idea. I gotta be honest with you. We were in between takes and on the movie and we were shooting in this fucking really cool fucking motel, man. I felt like I was in a Coen Brother movie. So one of the rooms we had was like the little green room and they, the story was on and these women were coming forward and like my mouth was literally agape listening to it. I can't I be honest. All I can speak for me, I can't fucking believe somebody could do that and get away with it for that fucking long. I mean, and the, the tape of that woman and how that isn't enough, I guess because he never said, yes, I grabbed your boob. I think he just keeps going like, I understand, just come inside. I, I, I'm used to this. I'm used to this. None of that is an admission, just goes, you're used to this. Like, I don't know, I just gotta be honest with you. It's the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. And if this guy is as guilty as he looks, I'm worried that he's not gonna go to jail because I don't know what evidence there is in the statute of limitations. I, you know, you're going back decades with this shit. I don't know how it fucking works, but in a perfect world, they take him out to the desert and they put two behind his fucking ear. I mean, if he's guilty, if he's innocent, I think I just fucked my whole career. I have, I have no idea, I don't know who knew what or whatever. But I will tell you, I've been enjoying watching Fox News, having a field day with this trashing Hollywood. And you know, given that guy who was in the fucking hot tub with the 13 year old girl who now hides out in France, giving him an award and all that shit. I love watching them call Hollywood out. I love watching Hannity calling out the hypocrisy of Hollywood, you know, trashing Donald Trump for what the fuck he's doing while that shit's going on in their own town. And then all the while, Hannity never bringing up Bill O'Reilly while saying that the friend. What the fuck is that guy? I always forget his name. The French dude there. Whatever. The guy hadn't out in France or whatever, saying. And they gave this guy an award afterwards. And it's just like, yeah. And you had Bill O'Reilly on your show afterward. So everybody is like, I don't know. It's just such a fucking amazing time for that shit. Hillary Clinton complaining about the fucking electoral college while the Democratic Party went to court and admitted that Bernie Sanders got more votes, but they colluded with Hillary's, you know, campaign to be like, no, you give us the best shot, so we're gonna pick you. Fuck what the people say. I don't know. I don't fucking know. And then me saying that I fucking hate listening to people to talk politics. And then here I am talking it. Yeah. I have no idea who knew what. But I would definitely say that, you know, the same way, like Fox News. There's no fucking way they didn't know that Bill O'Reilly was settling out of court in these fucking things. You know, this same way that there's no way at the Weinstein Company, they didn't know something was amiss. I. I just don't. I don't. I'd be honest with you. I am as shocked as anybody else. I just don't get it. I don't. I don't understand. It's. It's just one of the worst things, you know, I. I have no. I don't have any jokes. It's just one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard. And I don't want to pay attention to the story because I don't think he's going to go to jail. And listening to his comments, he's the typical piece of shit that does stuff like that where he actually feels like the victim. You know what I mean? He's making it about himself and how bad he feels. You know, the victims, you know, whatever. The alleged victims, whatever. I don't. I don't know. I don't know what people knew, but somebody knew something, and they should have fucking said something anyways. All right? Asshole neighbor threatening our dogs. Jesus Christ. All right. Dear Billy Butter Tits. Hey, I'm in good shape right now, by the way. Could you guys just insult me in a little more? You know Billy. How about Billy chiseled albino chest? You know, something like that? I'm not chiseled. Whatever. I'm a lady. Lady you wrote into my fucking podcast, and I love you. I'm a lady in my 20s, late 20s, here in the southeast United States, and I have an issue with an older male neighbor. I'll keep it brave as possible. Why am I doing this accent? This keeps coming onto my property. My property. And letting our dogs out of the fence. Oh, my God. You need to beat this guy in the bottom of his feet. Don't do that, by the way. I don't condone that. Violence is never an answer. We live next door to a busy road, and I hate to think what would happen if someone came speeding down and hit one of my dogs. I have a big yard, so he has to come over into our property to open the gate. He waits until we leave to do it. This is easy. Go down to the spy shop and get some cameras because some of our neighbors snitched on him. He's an old white trash dude that sits on his porch smoking all day. And he claims that our dogs bark 24. 7. They don't. And the rest of the neighbors have said they don't hear the barking, or when they do, it's minimal. All right, this is what I would do. I would get a. I would get a lock on my fence, okay, that he can't get past. And then I would go down to the spy shop and get some cameras. And then what I would also do is let them know. I would write a letter and say that that's what you've done. Okay? Just so. Because God forbid, he jumps over the fence, throws your dogs over, and then they get hit and died. You know, hit and die. And you're gonna be like, all right, well, I caught the guy, but one of your dogs had to die. What you really want to do is just make. Prevent this guy from doing it. So let him know that you know what he's doing, that you've taken these men measures, and then maybe he will off because, you know, who wants to see a dog die and then an old guy go to jail or whatever. Just stay on your porch and be old. All right, buddy? Get him a pair of wireless headphones, you know, so he can listen to Baba dooba Doobo and his headphones. Anyways, he goes, my question is, what the hell do I. That's what she says. My question is, what? What the hell do I do? I've started locking the gate, so that shouldn't be a problem anymore. But what if this asshole tries to poison them or something? That's where the cameras come in. I'm probably being paranoid, but I'm pissed off. I also have a temper, which doesn't help. What do I do, Bill? You're asking a guy who has a temper who immediately suggests you beat the bottom of the guy's feet. I heard you talk about dealing with old people, neighbors, and I'd really like your advice. Thank you. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, he's an old guy, you know. You know, I would just. I would send a letter over there and say, I apologize if you find my dogs annoying. Other neighbors say they don't bark that bad. Here's a pair of earplugs and some old man fucking. I don't know what you give them. Give him some brats or some shit. We are now locking the fence so you can no longer go in there. And I also have a camera set up. Okay? I don't want to. You know, I would just do that. Whatever the fuck I said earlier, I would do that. And then every time you see him, even if he tells you go fuck yourself, just smile and wave and just tell him, it's nice to see you, I hope you have a wonderful day. I would just do that. All right? And then if you ever have a house party, I would invite him over and just try to kill him with kindness rather than beating the bottom of his feet. All right. Dating in Asia. Asia. Asia. Oh, this is interesting. I never even. I never heard about any of this. Dear Billy Meundi Stains. Ah, I like that one. Good for you. All right. I've been living in Asia for the last four years and dating has been tricky. Asian girls are beautiful, kind, and much more giving in bed than their white counterparts. I don't know what the fuck that means. I'm certainly punching above my weight class here. All right, you're punching these women. I think the better thing is saying that you out kicked your coverage and having relationships one night stands with a much higher quality of girl than when I was back in the U.S. dude, this is the deal. You're over there and you have an accent, okay? That's it. Same way if you come over here, if you have a fucking accent, the women like it. Does that work with Asian guys? If you come over here and you have an accent with Asian women, I have no fucking idea. Anyways, however the biggest problem is they are boring. Most spend their whole life studying until they are 26. Then they work insane hours at work and they live with their parents until they get married. Not to mention that my sense of humor can be totally lost on someone who speaks English as a second or third language. Yeah, well, dude, you're on the other side of the world. Things are going to be different here. I seem to be stuck between beautiful, boring Asian girls and the typical basic white girl. I'd apologize for the sweeping generalizations, but you do it all the time. Do I do it like that? What a fucking cunt. Dude, can you own your cuntiness and not fucking get your fucking twat stench on me? I know, I'm a fucking moron. I don't know. You don't point it out. Oh, boo hoo. I'm on the other side of the world fucking a bunch of hot Asian girls. You got a girl that was way too good for you, so I'd love to hear what you think. All right, I agree with that. Thanks. And go have a wonderful day. I live in Korea and I love it. Didn't want to talk shit. Well, dude, you're either gonna have to accept. Accept that those are your options or move out of there. I don't know what to tell you. Do you want the entire country to change because you're there? It sounds like there's a bunch of smart women over there. That's not. It's not like they're perfect.
- [87:28]
Paul Virzi
Right?
- [87:29]
Bill Burr
They're educated, they're working their asses off. They're fucking. They're a bunch of animals in the rack. Well, what is the problem? I don't know. I don't know. I would start dating a prostitute over there if you want a little more excitement. Sounds like you're living the dream over there, buddy. If I was you, I would try to appreciate what you have. I mean, I don't. I mean, that's kind of perfect when she fucking blows your mind in bed and then goes off and goes studies and then you can sit down and watch the game. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know exactly what else you want from them, but all the problems to have in the world. Certainly after all the problems that I learned in the world in the first fucking seven minutes of that Falcons game. I don't. I really don't have any sympathy for you.
- [88:23]
Paul Virzi
All right.
- [88:24]
Bill Burr
Heckled by veteran comedian. That was fucking hilarious. Hello, Billy Bald foreskin.
- [88:32]
Paul Virzi
Hey.
- [88:32]
Bill Burr
After about two months ago now, I don't know if they're making fun of my dick there or what my head looks like, but either way, it's funny. About two months ago, I gave the open mic night a try. Oh, he heckled you as an open micr, That's. That's fucking not good. I prepared for it for a while and finally worked up the nerve to do it. Had material, had some semblance. Semblance of a planned attempt. I get about four, four minutes into it and I'm getting laughs. Not a lot, but some. And a bunch of smiles. All right, good for you. Plus, even the beginning, all it's about is just having the balls to go up there when they call your name. It has nothing to do with how well you do. Anyway, so I was confident and busted out a joke that was a little racy, but nothing mean spirited. No one laughed. Oh, well, I moved on. A few days go by and I'm getting hate on Facebook for the joke from a comedian that has been working the scene for longer than I've been alive. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Really? Comic on comic violence. Ah, you hate to see it. I take what he says as wisdom. Then he tells me that you shouldn't ever say anything on stage you don't believe even. Wait a minute now. Wait a minute. You're saying you're getting hate on Facebook? This guy is basically giving you advice and being heckled. Heckled is. It's interrupting a live performance. You don't get heckled on Facebook. I hate when they say the comedian heckled the crowd. The crowd is not giving a performance. I call bullshit on that and always thought as a comedian, you get to push the envelope some because when it's all said and done, as long as you weren't hateful for the sake of hate, you're good. Anyways, I haven't had the nerve to go back on stage out of the fear of getting trashed on Facebook. Anyways, love the podcast. Hope you come to Memphis soon and go make love to yourself. Also, I can't get hard. Please fix this with magic. All right, first of all, I don't know what you said. I'd have to know the joke that you said. I know how you feel about the joke. I know how the other comic feels about the joke, but it just seems like the comic is giving you some advice there. I don't know how hard the person went. Personally, I wouldn't do that, but you sound way more seasoned than someone who just did it for the first time. Wait a minute. I opened my. I Gave open mic a try. I prepared for it for a while, yada, yada, yada. I get my. About four minutes into it, getting laughs. And then you did the joke. That didn't go well. I mean, I don't know, dude. I don't. I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't say that to an open micr. I also don't know what you said, and it doesn't sound. It just sounds like he's giving you advice. I can tell you this right now. If you're gonna let one fucking person and some bullshit on Facebook make you not go back on stage, then. Then this guy did you a favor. Because you got to be weights. You got to be way tougher than that. Because if you think this is the first fucking time, like, it's just. You know, when I was sitting in that motel when we were shooting the other day, I walked in and I just laughed. I was like, all these places smell the same. And one of the actors asked me, he goes, what's the worst gig you ever had? And I thought about it for a second, and then I just laughed. And I was just like, that is just too big a subject for me to pick any one gig. I mean, you literally have to go, like, worse gig without a microphone. Worst gig in a cafeteria where they didn't know that there was a show. Worse nooner, worse. You know, am I going to get the shit kicked out of me? Worst gig where I didn't get paid. Worst gig where the fucking middle lap was a former headliner and he did 45 to an hour in front of me and tried to burn out the crowd. You got white crowds, you got black crowds, you got college crowds, cruise ships. I mean, it's just. It's just. And you know what's funny is I haven't forgot any of them, but I can't remember any of them either. They just all are this giant ball of hate, hate and humiliation. And that's what you're signing up for. And I'm not trying to discourage you here. What it is, is what you need right now, rather than writing to me, is you need to go to more open mics. And what's going to happen is you're going to get comedian friends from your graduation class, right? And what you do, how you get through all of that was I used to call up, you know, the comics that I started out with. Like, if I had. I remember Patrice having some brutal show in front of a bunch of cops when he started up, and he ate his balls so bad that he called me up, and through talking to me, he was able to laugh about it, and I was laughing about it. And, you know, then when I bombed all the fucking time, I would call him up. You tell the stories, then what becomes is then other comics try to top your story about the worst gig that they ever fucking had. And that's what it just starts to become as you're going through it. You just get seasoned, and then you're just literally on stage going through some of the worst humiliation of your life while thinking, I can't wait to tell this to my buddy when I get home, or whatever. I mean, just don't let this fucking guy discourage you. Fucking shake it off. You know, you got to be like a relief pitcher. You gave up a home run. Give me another ball.
- [94:52]
Andrew Theles
I'm gonna get.
- [94:52]
Bill Burr
I'm coming right back with the heat. You got to be like that. I'm not saying that comic is right or wrong, because I don't know what you said. And he evidently felt it was serious enough to reach out to you on Facebook, but that's not something I would have done. I don't try to be the comedy fucking cop here, all right? So good luck with you, sir. All right? Joe Bartnik says, take your balls out of your purse and fucking get back on stage. All right. Good luck to you. All right. Caught wife shoplifting. Dear Bill, Bill. Nosaurus rex. Okay. My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for about half that time. Basically, we are best friends with a romantic relationship. Congratulations. Things have recently started getting even better for us. All of a sudden, I've noticed all these extra knickknacks around the house. I got my first job as a university professor, and she got a job job in administration at the same university. Oh, my God. She's shoplifting. I believe our relationship is as strong as it is because I can trust her with my life. I think that just changed. Last night after getting home from the mall, I found her taking makeup out of her purse. The same makeup that she refused to buy because it was too expensive. Her reaction told me I wasn't supposed to see that she had it. I confronted her about the potential shoplifting. The confrontation resulted in a long argument, one that swung from denial to anger at me to crying and then back to anger. She could never prove that she paid for it. Giving her reaction and the circumstances, I am as confident as one can be that she shoplifted. Absolutely. She would have just produced a receipt. Trust me. Trust is important to me. Bill, my wife is beautiful and she's constantly approached by men. I need to trust that she will stay loyal to our relationship. Her shoplifting and then so brazenly lying to me about it puts everything into doubt for me. How is this risk worth her career or our relationship? Is shoplifting not that big a deal? Could this also increase the likelihood that she is dishonest in other areas of our relationship? Am I crazy? I will be listening to your advice. By the way. You killed it in Toronto. Thank you. Ah, dude. I mean, I don't know where. I think it's all of those things. I think it. It might not be that big a deal, or it could be the tip of an iceberg. I have no idea. I have no idea. But this is like the beginning of a great movie, and I'm sorry that you're starring in it. Like, this is like some Alfred Hitchcock shit like Rear Window, except you're in the apartment with the murderer potentially. Or, you know, it just sort of ends like that War of the Worlds. Anticlimactic. I don't know. But, yeah, like, do you pursue it? Do you pursue it? Because I'm always about. Like, when you feel shit like that, sit down with them and just say, look, not saying you're a bad person. I'm just saying how what you did make makes me feel all right? And then tell her everything that you just said to me. However, you could also be pulling some threads here and the whole thing comes to crashing.
- [98:52]
Andrew Theles
I don't.
- [98:52]
Bill Burr
Fuck. You know what. Do you know what I would do? Dude, fuck this. You know something? This is what women do when they're feeling something. They. They. They sit you down. Her tears, her anger, this. You got to validate what you're feeling. You see, like, this is what men do when they get in a relationship. You te. You treat your wife, your. Your. Your girlfriend like a ticking time bomb because they so much. This guy's right. I do generalize a lot on the fucking podcast, don't I? They fucking. They control the relationship with their emotions, and then it's all subtly tied to special teams, which is your fucking, you know, sex life. And if they're in a fucking bad mood about you, you're not going to have any fucking sex. It's. It's fucking ridiculous. But that's how it works. So. But fuck that, dude. If this is what you're feeling and all of that shit, you're supposed to sit on it.
- [99:58]
Paul Virzi
Fuck that.
- [99:59]
Bill Burr
What do you think your wife would do? You don't think she would do that. You don't think she would start snooping on your Facebook? I don't know. I'm not saying don't fucking snoop on the Facebook. What I'm saying is, is what you should do is you should tell her. I don't know what to do here. If you fucking do a stake out. If you start. Oh, man, that's creepy. Because then if you're wrong. No, don't do that. Because then if you're wrong and she catches you spying on her, then. Then she has the upper. Then. Then you become wrong because you caught her shoplifting. Yeah, I would sit her down and just say, listen, okay? I'm not saying you're. You're a bad person or anything. I'm just saying. Telling you how I feel, seeing you shoplift and then lie to me about it. And dude, if she starts crying or she gets angry, fuck that. She's being a fucking baby and she's manipulating it. And then I would also sit there and if she does that again, I would say, and now your inability in a mature way to handle what it is that I'm saying to you and let her get as fucking angry as she wants to get. And it's like you're getting angry at me. I didn't steal anything. I didn't lie about it. Okay? I'm just letting you know what. How this is making me feel. And we can totally get past this if you're going to be an adult about this and sit down, own up to what you did and talk me through this. Oh, is she gonna get mad at you? And you know what her. Okay, because this is what they'll do. This is exact thing that she do to you. And I by no means superimposing all the issues I have with women on you in your relationship. I absolutely am, but that's what the I would do. And you know something? What else do you want from me? That's all I can do is tell you what the fuck I would do.
- [102:02]
Paul Virzi
That.
- [102:02]
Bill Burr
That is what I would do. All right? It wasn't fair of her to put you in that position and now for you to sit there walking around, carrying this stress. So I would address it with her. All right? And there you go. That is the podcast. An hour and 20 minutes. Jesus. You know, I should do these once a month. The fucking. The Billy Red Rag podcast, You know, once a month. I'm just going through my cycle. There was a lot of fucking bitch moaning and complaining on this one. But I just feel like for me, all Right. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Alrighty. That's it. Oh, by the way, congratulations to the Vegas fucking Gold Knights. You know what I mean? You beat my Bruins last night. I saw we. Suban was in fucking net playing goddamn great.
- [102:54]
Andrew Theles
I know.
- [102:54]
Bill Burr
He was in our farm system. That's PK's brother. I forget his first name. It's so fucking great. And the fans are going crazy. It's so awesome. Vegas is gonna be a huge goddamn hit. I can't wait to go to a game out there. And their colors. I don't know about their colors, but I actually like that logo. I didn't notice that. You know, there's a little V there in the fucking helmet. I think that's kind of cool. Vegas night helmet. Oh, that's clever. All right, go yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. What's up, everybody?
- [103:27]
Andrew Theles
And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show for NFL Week. We're going into week seven, which is unbelievable, with your host, Paul Burzee over here, Bill Burr over there, we got Andrew Theles, and of course, we have our injury reporter, Jake the Snake. Guys, what can I say? I went one and three, which puts me 11 and a half games, back of 500. I mean, to say I'm reeling is an understatement. But you know what? We got a lot of time left. I'm not. I'm not quitting just yet. Bill, what did you go this week?
- [104:05]
Paul Virzi
Three and one.
- [104:06]
Andrew Theles
Oh, Bill. All right. Somebody's saving the show.
- [104:10]
Paul Virzi
Jesus. I mean, well, dude, it was a show until the past two weeks. Past two weeks, I went three and one. And before that, it was like, you know, a lot of one and three. There's just been weird games. Dude, this just been weird. But that doesn't excuse it, because as much as you get someone else got, somebody else just won that bet. So.
- [104:30]
Andrew Theles
Yeah, what it is, is what I found this year is nobody's that good and nobody's that bad. Like, everybody is, like, except, hey. Except the Jets.
- [104:39]
Paul Virzi
All right, well, I gotta. I gotta. Yeah, I got a new name for those footballs that the field goal kickers are kicking. I'm calling them the Floaties.
- [104:48]
Andrew Theles
Floaties. I like that.
- [104:49]
Paul Virzi
Give me a break. And that's just like, the whole game right now is just rigged for offense. Offense, offense. More scoring, more scoring, more scoring. It's insane. 22 seconds left. Plenty of time. Plenty. There's plenty of time.
- [105:07]
Andrew Theles
Dude, that is the truest statement, dude.
- [105:10]
Paul Virzi
Like reverse parenting. All everybody says Go by quick. Goes by quick.
- [105:15]
Jake the Snake
Right?
- [105:15]
Bill Burr
You.
- [105:17]
Paul Virzi
This goddamn NFL football. Plenty of. There's plenty. There's five seconds left. Plenty of time. You know, quick out. That's a 72 yarder. He was hitting 83 yardage. And big practice.
- [105:29]
Bill Burr
Okay.
- [105:29]
Paul Virzi
With nothing.
- [105:30]
Andrew Theles
Dude, 38 seconds left in a game is an eternity now. It's. It's crazy. 100% right. It's nuts.
- [105:38]
Paul Virzi
I. I don't get it.
- [105:39]
Bill Burr
It's. It's.
- [105:40]
Andrew Theles
Dude, I'm gonna tell you what.
- [105:41]
Paul Virzi
Annoying. Especially when you have your bet one. And then Collinsworth goes. Dad, is plenty of time left. You're just like you. Then he's right.
- [105:50]
Andrew Theles
Well, dude, you went. You went three and one back to back weeks, which the show needed. But dude, I gotta tell you, Buffalo losing to Atlanta. Atlanta just. Every time Buffalo scored. Atlanta just took it to him. Dude, I gotta tell you something. The Falcons look good. That's what's weird. The Falcons look good. Then all of a sudden the Chiefs look like they're back against the. The Lions. I can't see it.
- [106:14]
Bill Burr
Can't see it.
- [106:15]
Paul Virzi
Well, I think this week they're going to destroy the Raiders because I think the NFL backed off the preferential treatment enough. And then last week against the Lions, guess how many penalties they committed. Jake the Snake. How many?
- [106:31]
Andrew Theles
Yeah, let's bring in Jake here.
- [106:32]
Jake the Snake
Big fat 000.
- [106:36]
Paul Virzi
They didn't hold anybody. There was no illegal hands to the face. There was no illegal motion. Not one false start. I mean, dude, they were dialed in.
- [106:47]
Andrew Theles
Jake, you look like. Jake, you look like somebody's gonna tell you to read a statement to your family right now.
- [106:54]
Paul Virzi
I know, dude, that the shadow on the back wall is brutal.
- [106:59]
Andrew Theles
I'm just waiting to see the shadow of a gun. What do we got, Jake? What do we got for injury reports this week?
- [107:06]
Jake the Snake
Well, we'll start off with the Chiefs since we're talking about them, but their top receivers coming back from suspension. He was right. Like guilty for a hidden run last year, so they suspended him six games. So he's coming back for the Raider game just in time for the Chiefs to get right. And then there's a Kyler Murray missed last week, so we're unsure if he's gonna play. We'll have to kind of monitor it because there's only been one day of practice. But it sounded like he was back at practice at least. And the Rams will be without Puka Nakua. You know, he's off to an incredible start, but he hurt his ankle against the Ravens and they have a Buy, so they're probably gonna. Or they have a buy following week, so they're probably gonna arrest him. And then last one I'll say is Cowboys and Commanders play each other and they should get their top receivers back. CD Lamb and Terry McLaurin. So those are kind of the big ones. I mean, that I have written down.
- [108:01]
Paul Virzi
Best in the business.
- [108:03]
Andrew Theles
I mean, Jake the Snake, he just comes in and he just starts nailing it.
- [108:07]
Paul Virzi
The man has answers. You know, Jake, you didn't stutter once.
- [108:12]
Andrew Theles
And you know what? He's happy to do it. Nothing like a guy that likes his job.
- [108:17]
Paul Virzi
Hey, Paul, you never work a day in your life.
- [108:20]
Andrew Theles
Look at a kid comes on with a big smile. He tore his meniscus and his acl. He'll be three. Three weeks next.
- [108:27]
Paul Virzi
Yeah, he's having so much fun looking at the injury reports, he doesn't even have time to go to IKEA and get some furniture. I mean, this kid is dialed in, Paul. All right, let's get into it. I'm. I'm. I'm with my family right now, so I gotta.
- [108:42]
Andrew Theles
All right, guys, let's. Let's get into the picks. Before we do the picks, we gotta shout out bedmgm. Guys, you know how to do it. You go to your any device and you download the BetMGM app and you use our code Burr. B U R R. All you got to do is put a minimum of $10 in and you place your first wager. Wager loses. You'll get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets. Bet responsibly. Have fun. We also have the first touchdown promo, which means you pick a player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown. And if they do, you win. But if they don't, and in fact get the second touchdown, you'll get your stack back. You'll get your cash back. There you go. Bet responsible. Use our code burr and have a little fun. It is week number seven, which is an odd week, which means, Bill, you have the honors, my friend, to take the first pick.
- [109:28]
Bill Burr
Pick.
- [109:28]
Andrew Theles
And guess what, everybody. Don't look now. Bill Burr. Eight and two the last two weeks.
- [109:34]
Paul Virzi
No, six and two.
- [109:36]
Andrew Theles
So six and two.
- [109:37]
Paul Virzi
Hey, folks, we went to public schools.
- [109:39]
Andrew Theles
Hey, I mean, listen.
- [109:42]
Paul Virzi
Like a fake background, huh? Your house looks like a fake background.
- [109:47]
Andrew Theles
I. I had to. I couldn't do it outside today.
- [109:49]
Paul Virzi
You just grabbed and stuck it behind you. I don't believe it. I don't know where you are, Paul, but, you know, I'm worried about you. First I was worried about Jake, but It was too hot. Jake looks like he's on Al Jazeera right now. All right. Anyways, I'm not going to tell you where I'm at, but I need a hat on my bald head. Put it that way. All right, here we go. I got a new theory, everybody. I got a new theory. A new Thursday night theory. When it's a division rivalry game, they got four days. You know, I've been talking about this the last couple of weeks. I feel like you just take the points. The Bengals are at home. They got Joe Flacco coming in from a YMCA near you to get under center. I mean, Aaron Rodgers is Aaron Rodgers. He even looks good in the uniform with the Steelers. They're killing it. But, like, I just feel like there's simple game plans. The simple game plans, and it makes them come closer together. Division rivalry games are usually close. They see each other twice a year. Am I really talking to you guys or am I trying to convince myself? I don't know. I'm taking the Bengals getting five and a half.
- [111:03]
Andrew Theles
All right. I like it.
- [111:07]
Paul Virzi
That's what the Bengals are.
- [111:09]
Jake the Snake
I'm around against the packers on last Sunday. So, I mean.
- [111:15]
Paul Virzi
The tail of two jokes it. Let's go. What do we got, Paul? Come on, Paul. Pick a winner. Paulie's due.
- [111:22]
Andrew Theles
All right. I'm too. Hey. Overdue. Let me see here. I don't like it, dude. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the list.
- [111:32]
Paul Virzi
Oh, he's gambling. Scared everybody. You hate to see it.
- [111:36]
Jake the Snake
Come on, It's October.
- [111:38]
Paul Virzi
This is the top Gun moment. Matt Mavericks lost his edge. Are you sitting there? I just can't see it. Just can't. Can't see it.
- [111:46]
Andrew Theles
You know what? I'm gonna take the New York football Giants getting seven against the Broncos. They beat up the Eagles. They beat a good Chargers team. If they don't have those stupid fumbles against the Saints, I think they win that game, too. But Jackson Dart and Cam Scatter. Boo.
- [112:03]
Bill Burr
Got a little.
- [112:04]
Andrew Theles
Got a little something going. I like the points. I could see Denver winning the game by a field goal, but I think the Giants hang with them. I'm gonna take the seven. I'm taking some points. I'm gonna take my New York football Giants. You see the sweatshirt? I'm excited about them. Okay. Camp Scatterboo.
- [112:25]
Paul Virzi
I went to high school with him. That's. That's one of those names.
- [112:28]
Andrew Theles
Yeah, he's all right.
- [112:31]
Paul Virzi
Oh, dude. There's a lot of games I like this week. And for whatever reason, I'm gonna pick this one. I like the, I like the Colts getting one and a half going into San Diego. I just, you know, I've been watching them. I've been betting on them. They got a great offensive line. They're competitive. And the Chargers, what are they doing, Jake? They coming back from injuries? Have they. They bottomed out with their injuries.
- [112:57]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, injuries are pretty bad, especially on the O line. And it's, it's probably not to be resolved this week. They might get Khalil Mack back on defense, but offensively, that offensive line is really is in trouble. So it's a scary game. It's kind of interesting the Chargers are favored with all those injuries. So it's. That's gonna, that's could be a close game.
- [113:17]
Paul Virzi
Yeah, I know. It's like, what do they know? Is that come down to head coaching because I. Harbor's a better coach. But it, ah, what am I doing? I'm taking the Colts.
- [113:28]
Andrew Theles
Bill, you're on fire. You're on fire. You're on fire right now.
- [113:32]
Paul Virzi
It's all relative.
- [113:34]
Jake the Snake
Hey, Colts are 5 and 1. You know, sometimes you gotta ride the hot hand.
- [113:37]
Andrew Theles
Oh, dude, by the way, let's talk about this for a second. The Colts are five in one with Daniel Jones. When everybody wrote the kid off, I mean, the kid's an MVP candidate right now.
- [113:48]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [113:50]
Paul Virzi
How about this? If you play quarterback in New York the last couple seasons, you look like your career's over. You never should have had one. And then you leave. Aaron Rodgers looks like Aaron Rodgers again. Daniel Jones. Come on, Paul, you got to take that. You got to take that.
- [114:04]
Andrew Theles
I know, but couldn't even run in New York.
- [114:07]
Paul Virzi
He fell on his face, you know.
- [114:09]
Andrew Theles
Bill, you're kicking a man when he's down. They say, quan, I'm wearing my sweatshirt.
- [114:14]
Paul Virzi
No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna. If I have to sit through Nick fans during the NBA playoffs every year acting like they. They don't know what the. Has been going on for 53 years. And the New York sports media bias is going to keep. Dude, they show Knick fans, man, more than they show Celtics fan. You guys never take the hit, Paul. You guys never take the hit. It's a bum ass place to be a quarterback the last two seasons. Exhibit A Daniel Jones. Exhibit. Aaron Rodgers, an exhibit from MTV's Pimp My Ride. Case closed.
- [114:55]
Andrew Theles
Look, I can't, I can't argue it.
- [114:58]
Bill Burr
Literally.
- [114:59]
Paul Virzi
Exhibit. The rapper would have had the same numbers as those guys. The Last. That's how bad your guys offensive lines were.
- [115:07]
Andrew Theles
All right, well, here's what I'm gonna do with my. Hey, just listen, Paul.
- [115:11]
Paul Virzi
It's not. I'm just with you.
- [115:12]
Andrew Theles
No, listen, you. You're. When you're right, you're right.
- [115:16]
Paul Virzi
And then he agrees with me and I feel even worse.
- [115:18]
Andrew Theles
I'm gonna. Nothing's like when you make your point to someone and they go, no, no, you're right.
- [115:24]
Paul Virzi
You went John Candy on me.
- [115:25]
Andrew Theles
Go ahead.
- [115:26]
Paul Virzi
You know I'm an easy target.
- [115:28]
Andrew Theles
I like me.
- [115:31]
Paul Virzi
You know why? Because I'm the real article. I just watched that documentary, dude. It was one of the greatest and saddest thing. Colin Hanks murdered that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, he killed it, dude.
- [115:44]
Andrew Theles
John Candy. John Candy was. Was such an unbelievable animal. Animal uncle.
- [115:51]
Paul Virzi
Actor. Can you just give it up to him? Because I keep cutting interviews during it. They just go like. You know, people like a fat guy, he's just sitting there going like the. How many movies do I have to crush?
- [116:01]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [116:03]
Andrew Theles
That'S why I like that one thing Jonah Hill did where the guy was just like, yeah, dude. So, like, as far as, like, being a heavy actor. And Jonah Hill just goes, dude, do you got any other questions, man, that are like. And he just totally went at the guy and. And he's like, do you have any other. Because that's got to be like, after a while, being the fat actor, it's got to just weigh on you. You know what I mean? It's got to be like, all right, man, I get it.
- [116:26]
Paul Virzi
Really? He just did that. What? First of all, you laid into fat.
- [116:30]
Jake the Snake
You go, after a while, being a.
- [116:32]
Paul Virzi
Fat actor, then you go, it's got a way on you. Did you really just do all of that by accident?
- [116:39]
Andrew Theles
I swear to God, it's like you.
- [116:40]
Paul Virzi
Were on Jonah's side.
- [116:43]
Bill Burr
Foreign.
- [116:44]
Paul Virzi
Let's tell a good bonus story before we move ahead. Have you seen it with the Morgan Freeman one?
- [116:49]
Andrew Theles
No.
- [116:50]
Paul Virzi
He tells the story. He was working with Morgan Freeman his first day. They're sitting in a car. They're shooting in this car all day. Morgan doesn't talk to him at all. So he thinks, all right, well, he's got all this dialogue. It's an important part of the movie. Maybe that's not why he's talking to me. They rap on the day before they leave. Morgan looks at him and sings like the banana song with his name. He just looks over. First time he talks to him all day, he goes, jonah.
- [117:13]
Bill Burr
Jonah.
- [117:14]
Paul Virzi
You saw that? Yeah, I saw that. And then he finishes it and he's like, all right. He goes, now do me. He goes, what? He goes, say mine. Do my name. He's like, morgan. Morgan Borg. And he does the whole thing and then he gets out of the car and he never talked to him for the rest of the movie.
- [117:31]
Bill Burr
What is that? What is it?
- [117:32]
Paul Virzi
Like a test? Like, if he didn't do it?
- [117:35]
Andrew Theles
Yeah, that's like.
- [117:36]
Paul Virzi
All right.
- [117:39]
Andrew Theles
All right, guys, for my second pick, look how many games Jake has the Browns won.
- [117:47]
Jake the Snake
It's either one or two.
- [117:50]
Andrew Theles
I'm gonna take. I'm gonna take the Browns over the Dolphins. Dude, the Dolphins are just. The Dolphins are. I think the coach is done. I think they're done. I think they're going to be sellers during the trade deadline instead of buyers. I think it's. Yeah, I like the three point spread in Cleveland and. And the Dolphins have just shown nothing but disappointment. So I'm going to take the Cleveland Browns at home to win the game by a field goal.
- [118:20]
Paul Virzi
Dolphins have been covering.
- [118:22]
Jake the Snake
Dude.
- [118:25]
Paul Virzi
That'S been my money. I don't know what you're talking about. They just won a couple of games.
- [118:31]
Andrew Theles
They're one of five.
- [118:32]
Paul Virzi
I thought they won two games.
- [118:33]
Jake the Snake
They're just covered.
- [118:35]
Paul Virzi
Hey, Paul. Both things can be true. I hate how everybody says that now. All right, I'm gonna take.
- [118:46]
Jake the Snake
I don't know.
- [118:46]
Paul Virzi
I don't give a fuck, Paul. I'm shooting from that. From the freckled hip this week. I'm gonna take the Saints. Getting five points with the Bears. I liked what I saw last week against the Patriots. I like their quarterback. They got. Who's. Who's there? They're. Fucking great running back. He was doing some good things there. I like the Saints. I don't think the Saints as much as everybody's trashed them, they're. They're much better than their record. They got one win. Yeah.
- [119:11]
Jake the Snake
They're competitive.
- [119:13]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [119:14]
Paul Virzi
I could tell by the. Just absolute silence on that end that that was a wild pick. All right, all right, you guys.
- [119:21]
Bill Burr
I don't need you anyway.
- [119:22]
Paul Virzi
I don't need you guys. Support my picks.
- [119:28]
Andrew Theles
Oh, dude, this is gonna be.
- [119:30]
Bill Burr
I'm an idiot.
- [119:30]
Paul Virzi
I saw the Saints one game this year.
- [119:32]
Bill Burr
All of a sudden I know who they are.
- [119:34]
Andrew Theles
Dude, if I go 043 times in seven weeks, I may just hang it up. Just.
- [119:40]
Paul Virzi
Guys, it's been a great run.
- [119:43]
Andrew Theles
I'm crying. I just want to thank mgm.
- [119:46]
Paul Virzi
No, you're like that athlete. Like, back in the day, people got old in one off Season, it was like you could play. And then all of a sudden, like, right around 35, 36, you just couldn't play anymore. And it was embarrassing. You just. It was embarrassing. Dude, retirements before steroids and aerobics or whatever the. These kids are doing nowadays. Taibo, like, the end of your career, if there, There was a. You had to pay attention to it or most of it. It was really embarrassing.
- [120:20]
Andrew Theles
Yeah, well, look, I mean, you know, it's me, and you know I'm coming back. That's what I do.
- [120:27]
Paul Virzi
Come on, man.
- [120:28]
Andrew Theles
Come on, dude, it's me. Four times in a row. Dude, what are we talking about here?
- [120:34]
Bill Burr
Dude, I.
- [120:38]
Paul Virzi
I've never seen you reeling like this. Paul, this is not you. Paul is always in playoff talks.
- [120:45]
Andrew Theles
Hey, it's been a rough month, all right?
- [120:49]
Paul Virzi
Book four years in a row. I know you're coming out of this. It's like the Chiefs.
- [120:55]
Andrew Theles
I feel like I'm gonna.
- [120:56]
Paul Virzi
You know, the Chiefs are coming back, Bill.
- [120:59]
Andrew Theles
I'm in a hospital bed, and you're sitting next to me, holding my hand, going, you'll be all right. I got a deer coming.
- [121:05]
Paul Virzi
Oh, yeah, it's the Brian Piccolo story.
- [121:08]
Andrew Theles
God forbid. All right, Jaguars are getting three. They're coming off a loss, but, dude, I mean, Puka's out, right?
- [121:17]
Paul Virzi
Dude, I looked at that game, too.
- [121:20]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, it's in London as well.
- [121:23]
Paul Virzi
Oh, I hate those London games.
- [121:26]
Jake the Snake
Me, too. Me, too.
- [121:28]
Paul Virzi
As far as, like, betting on them, like, it's just a stupid vibe. We're Americans. We don't go to other countries.
- [121:38]
Andrew Theles
I, I hate the 0.3 with. I hate the 3. The 0.3.
- [121:42]
Paul Virzi
The.
- [121:42]
Andrew Theles
The 0.5 with the Seahawks. I hate.
- [121:48]
Bill Burr
I heard that. Hate, too. You really hit the T on that.
- [121:51]
Andrew Theles
Yeah, I hate that. Dude, this is a tough, tough week, man.
- [121:58]
Paul Virzi
You know what they should call the guys that handicap games in Vegas, they should call them the cunts. You know, it's respectful and it's accurate.
- [122:09]
Andrew Theles
Give me the Jacksonville Jaguars, getting three in London, coming off of a loss. I, I. You know what?
- [122:17]
Paul Virzi
I like that.
- [122:18]
Andrew Theles
I think that if they're. They're a good team. They have a good record. They have. You know, I'm gonna take the Jags to bounce back this week.
- [122:25]
Paul Virzi
I hate how fast you just did that. You know, like when you're not ready to order and you hope the person before you is gonna, like, host the salmon.
- [122:33]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [122:34]
Paul Virzi
You're hoping they're gonna do that. You just let me get a cheeseburger, French fries, well done, and a Coke.
- [122:40]
Andrew Theles
Okay, sir.
- [122:40]
Bill Burr
What are you having then?
- [122:41]
Paul Virzi
You're gonna be like, for my fourth and final game. Who do I like? There was something. There was a couple of things that I saw here. That Chiefs, Raiders game, 12 points. What kind of bets on that game? That.
- [122:57]
Jake the Snake
That game jumped up, too. It opened at 10, so people are clearly all over the Chiefs.
- [123:03]
Bill Burr
I know.
- [123:04]
Paul Virzi
Who doesn't love The Chiefs at 10?
- [123:07]
Bill Burr
Yeah, exactly. You know, you find out where your.
- [123:09]
Paul Virzi
Real friends are when it's at 12. Where did everybody go then?
- [123:14]
Andrew Theles
What's the Raiders record, Jake?
- [123:18]
Jake the Snake
I believe they have. They won this week, too. They probably have two wins here. Let's see. Yeah, two and four. Two and four. Thank you.
- [123:28]
Paul Virzi
I got a question for you. The Cowboys can't even beat the goddamn Panthers.
- [123:34]
Jake the Snake
Embarrassing.
- [123:34]
Paul Virzi
All right, now they're at home against the Commanders, and they're only getting two points. What's going on? That game.
- [123:44]
Andrew Theles
I was looking at that game, too.
- [123:47]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, Drop two.
- [123:50]
Paul Virzi
Four before it's like.
- [123:52]
Jake the Snake
Two and a half. But, like, you know, nothing crazy, but.
- [123:54]
Paul Virzi
Still, is there a reason why we get the lines when they're contiguous? But where will we win all of this stuff? Well, this stuff was happening chiefs at 10 earlier in the week.
- [124:06]
Jake the Snake
They open them Monday for the real. Dj.
- [124:08]
Andrew Theles
What? Wait, what.
- [124:09]
Paul Virzi
What. What beers do you have on tap? Sorry, just.
- [124:12]
Bill Burr
Paul, that Browns.
- [124:14]
Paul Virzi
I don't know why. I don't know why.
- [124:17]
Andrew Theles
What's that, Andrew?
- [124:18]
Paul Virzi
That Browns line moved to two and a half, so give you the two and a half. Usually we record on Thursday mornings.
- [124:23]
Jake the Snake
I usually go by those lines.
- [124:24]
Bill Burr
So, yeah, it's. It's two and a half.
- [124:27]
Jake the Snake
So beautiful.
- [124:28]
Paul Virzi
The Falcons, 49ers. Both of mine say minus two. Oh, that's gotta be. The 49ers. Got to be getting points with all those injuries.
- [124:37]
Jake the Snake
Typo.
- [124:37]
Bill Burr
Hang on.
- [124:38]
Jake the Snake
Let me just double check that. That Niners is.
- [124:42]
Paul Virzi
Yeah, it's. Yeah.
- [124:43]
Jake the Snake
Niner. Niners or minus two. That's. That's what Niners are favored.
- [124:47]
Paul Virzi
Yeah.
- [124:49]
Andrew Theles
Yeah.
- [124:50]
Jake the Snake
That's crazy. Which is very strange after last week's. For the year.
- [124:57]
Paul Virzi
Am I gonna do it? Am I gonna go into the dmz, My DMZ of the NFL? Am I gonna go.
- [125:03]
Bill Burr
Am I gonna bet on the Falcons? Am I really gonna do this?
- [125:08]
Paul Virzi
Yeah. You know what? Because the game's gonna be on. I can actually be televised in my area, so I will. I'm gonna take the Falcons getting to. Oh. Oh, my God. With those floaty footballs they've been kicking around. I like it. I like my chances. I'm going to take the Falcons. Paul, I was so. I just. I thought I had this week figured out in. Somewhere along there, I just realized I didn't. We'll see.
- [125:42]
Andrew Theles
All right. For my fourth and final pick, I think I. Dude, the Lions are coming off that loss. The Lions are coming off of that loss against the Chiefs, and they're home.
- [125:55]
Paul Virzi
This is Paul versus Bread and Butter.
- [125:57]
Andrew Theles
They looked pissed. It's five and a half. I know Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers are really good right now, but the Lions have to, dare I say, Mayfield mvp.
- [126:11]
Paul Virzi
I know.
- [126:12]
Jake the Snake
That's what I was gonna look up. It's funny you brought this up, because I definitely wanted to ask you guys. I was trying to pull up the odds for Baker mvp.
- [126:21]
Paul Virzi
Well, I think what Versi said earlier, like, nobody's good, nobody's bad this year. So, I mean, why not him?
- [126:27]
Jake the Snake
Tampa's five and one with all. Without. With all those injuries and.
- [126:31]
Andrew Theles
What are the Lions? Five, five and one, or four and two? They're four and two.
- [126:35]
Paul Virzi
Yeah.
- [126:35]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. It's a test for the Lions because the two best teams they play, you know, have been losses, but they've been looked good against the bad teams.
- [126:42]
Paul Virzi
I should have taken the Seahawks.
- [126:44]
Bill Burr
I'm an.
- [126:46]
Jake the Snake
It's funny. I took them. I took them in real life and I forgot to put them on the show. I was so bad. But, yeah, that. I liked them a lot last week.
- [126:53]
Paul Virzi
They're good.
- [126:53]
Jake the Snake
They're really good.
- [126:56]
Paul Virzi
That's a good game. Paul, you know what? Three and a half.
- [127:00]
Andrew Theles
Nah. That. The 0.5 scared me right when I saw it. That the 0.5 has got Vegas smiling at me. Smiling down the barrel.
- [127:11]
Paul Virzi
I know my friends in Kansas City. Yeah.
- [127:15]
Andrew Theles
Dude, I'm gonna do something right now because I need. I need to mix things up. I'm taking a lot of dogs. I'm gonna actually take Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers getting five and a half in Detroit.
- [127:28]
Paul Virzi
I like. I like it.
- [127:29]
Andrew Theles
I'm taking the points and Baker, They've only lost one game. I think the Lions win the game by a field goal. I'm taking the bucks.
- [127:39]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [127:39]
Paul Virzi
I like Paul. You got the yips. You just gotta eat, dude.
- [127:42]
Andrew Theles
I'm like Simone Bile when she was afraid to cannon pull in the air. I just. I. Dude, I got the yips, dude.
- [127:49]
Paul Virzi
Dude, that was one of the most understanding yips of all time.
- [127:53]
Andrew Theles
Totally, dude.
- [127:54]
Paul Virzi
Jumping up, spinning around blood.
- [127:56]
Andrew Theles
Yeah.
- [127:56]
Paul Virzi
One day you're gonna get old enough to be like, the. Am I doing? It's inevitable, but I'm like.
- [128:03]
Andrew Theles
I Mean, I'm shell shocked. I mean, I'm 11 and a half back. I don't know what happened. I mean, I'm going.04 every other week here. I mean, this is. But I'm gonna. Dude, I'm gonna tell you what. It's gonna be triumphant when I'm done, right? I'm gonna Frank Reich this. What game?
- [128:21]
Bill Burr
What game?
- [128:21]
Paul Virzi
Buffalo versus Houston.
- [128:23]
Andrew Theles
There you go. 35 nothing he came back from. Against the Oilers. I never forget that game. All right, those are our picks, dude.
- [128:34]
Paul Virzi
All right, let's do Monday Night special. Here we go.
- [128:37]
Jake the Snake
There's two Monday night games.
- [128:38]
Andrew Theles
Two Monday night games. We have.
- [128:41]
Paul Virzi
Hate that there's two Monday night games claim at the same time.
- [128:44]
Andrew Theles
I know. It's like, it's.
- [128:45]
Bill Burr
What are they doing?
- [128:46]
Andrew Theles
It's one hour difference, which sucks. And both games are good.
- [128:51]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [128:52]
Paul Virzi
All right. Let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. Wait, did we hit it? We got you twice. No, go for three. No, we did money line on both.
- [129:05]
Jake the Snake
Those games and, yeah, they both lost.
- [129:09]
Paul Virzi
No, but we've won twice, though, this year.
- [129:11]
Jake the Snake
Yes, we have. Yes, we have. And we can win again right here. That's right.
- [129:15]
Paul Virzi
There you go. Jake.
- [129:17]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [129:17]
Paul Virzi
Trying to sing something positive here.
- [129:19]
Jake the Snake
Well, which game would you guys prefer? I mean, Detroit, Tampa seems like the better game, but Houston, Houston. Seattle will be a nice, physical defensive game for the old school, folks.
- [129:34]
Andrew Theles
Well, I like Baker Mayfield to throw one for sure.
- [129:38]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, yeah.
- [129:39]
Paul Virzi
Okay.
- [129:40]
Andrew Theles
I like Jared Goff to throw one.
- [129:43]
Paul Virzi
And then you just want to do money line. You just money line, pick who thinks winning the game.
- [129:48]
Bill Burr
I think the Buccaneers are going to win.
- [129:50]
Andrew Theles
Let's do it.
- [129:53]
Jake the Snake
You don't even want the points, huh? You don't even want the points with the bucks. You just want to do the points.
- [129:58]
Andrew Theles
You want to take the points. This way we have a little kush.
- [130:01]
Jake the Snake
You can even get it up.
- [130:03]
Paul Virzi
Like I said, dude, I went to summer school every year. I was just giving away five and a half points.
- [130:07]
Andrew Theles
All right, so let's do the Buccaneers.
- [130:09]
Paul Virzi
I'll take the money line. And the underdog. That's how confident I.
- [130:13]
Andrew Theles
Me and Bill are on such different emotional wavelengths right now. Like, I'm. I'm afraid of everything. And Bill's like, all right. Like, Bill.
- [130:19]
Paul Virzi
No, I'm John Starks, dude. I'm just putting it up. I'm just. No, no, I don't care.
- [130:23]
Andrew Theles
You're. You're the guy in the casino that won 30 grand last night. So you're like, yeah, let's go to the High stakes for a little while.
- [130:30]
Paul Virzi
130 grand. I blew 40 on hookers. I give a. All right.
- [130:36]
Andrew Theles
Okay, so we'll do. We'll do the Tampa Bay Buccaneers getting five and a half, Baker to throw one, Jared Goff to throw one.
- [130:47]
Jake the Snake
Love it. That all makes sense.
- [130:48]
Andrew Theles
Okay, there you go. That's the Monday night special. You guys have our picks. Download the app, use our code Burr B U R R. Put a minimum of $10 in, and after your first wager, if that loses, you'll get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets and the first touchdown Promo, guys. You pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown, and you win. If they don't but they get the second touchdown, you get your cash back, which is a great deal. You have our picks. Listen, Paulie's down 11 and a half, so, you know, I hate to say don't go with me. Bill's right. Bill's got the hot hand at the poker table right now. Jake. How'd you do last week?
- [131:22]
Jake the Snake
I went two and two.
- [131:24]
Paul Virzi
Okay, so Jake is. Jake does very well. Two and two is like the worst. He does.
- [131:32]
Jake the Snake
For the most part. Yeah.
- [131:34]
Andrew Theles
Dude. I woke up and looked at my phone to see if the commanders was my only hope, and it lost. And I just go, I mean, look, I need you.
- [131:43]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, I was on them, too. I was like, ah, dang it.
- [131:46]
Andrew Theles
I'm the guy staring at the phone, afraid it's gonna ring.
- [131:49]
Jake the Snake
The team I keep betting on is the Titans, and they're just so bad. I'm like, why did I do this again?
- [131:54]
Paul Virzi
They're like, well, you're standing in right field right now saying, please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me.
- [132:02]
Andrew Theles
Yeah, dude, I'm that. Yeah.
- [132:03]
Paul Virzi
One more out and I get. There's a fly ball, a right field. Feel that.
- [132:10]
Andrew Theles
It's all right, though. You know, I'mma bounce back. I'm gonna bounce back.
- [132:13]
Paul Virzi
Dude, I played baseball with this kid. Every time, the ball, he would always rush in on it, and then the ball would go over his head, and then for whatever reason, when he turned around to run after it, he'd throw his glove and his hat on the ground to go get.
- [132:29]
Bill Burr
Why?
- [132:30]
Paul Virzi
I don't know why. I think he was trying to make it look like, at least I'm making an effort to go after this ball. He did it every time.
- [132:41]
Bill Burr
Dude.
- [132:42]
Andrew Theles
That was like.
- [132:42]
Paul Virzi
Oh, no, wait. He was a kid on the other team. That's what it was. I was just like, Well, I was thinking.
- [132:46]
Bill Burr
I Remember?
- [132:47]
Andrew Theles
Like, what the. Does he. Dude, is there anything worse than being a pro athlete? And the home crowd's booing you because of your poor play, and they keep putting you out there, and every time it's to you, dude. Like that, like, trade them. Get rid of. Dude, that's. I wouldn't handle that. Hey, I would. I wouldn't be good with that.
- [133:05]
Paul Virzi
I would do better with that than A plus. That's how up I am. No, I do really. I do really well with negativity.
- [133:18]
Bill Burr
I just.
- [133:18]
Jake the Snake
Good.
- [133:19]
Paul Virzi
I don't like you either. Good. But people. People are all like, hey, we're really happy to have you. It just freaks me out. I mean, the room is perfect. The crowds are great. Yeah. Then I'm like, I'm gonna bomb.
- [133:33]
Andrew Theles
Oh, dude. I saw Nick DePaulo do that. Everything was going good, and he was just waiting. He was waiting in the wings. He wanted something, anything funnier than a guy that just can't have a good thing going.
- [133:49]
Paul Virzi
I used to tell Nick, I go, I. I remember when I worked with him, I'm telling you, he would stand on stage and he had his head.
- [133:55]
Bill Burr
Down like that, and he would be.
- [133:56]
Paul Virzi
Going back and forth like this. His head was moving back and forth like a security camera. And I was always wondering what he was doing. He was trying to see underneath the lights because he wanted. Because he knew someone was going to come at him. Dude, I've seen. I've seen that guy. Oh, eviscerate people.
- [134:16]
Andrew Theles
No, dude, I saw him say something at the stand in New York that everybody hated. And then the next thing he said got an applause break. It was. It was. Dude, it was masterful. But one of the funniest things that I ever heard was, this is A great Nick DePaulo story. He's in Chicago, and I guess he killed. And they're. They're meeting him after the show, and he had just, like, a cocktail in his hand, and this woman just go. This woman just goes, oh, my God, you were so hilarious tonight. He goes, how the would you know? She lost it. Oh, my God. So, so funny. All right, everybody, you know what? I'm getting back on that horse. Go Giants. I'm not out of this yet. It's only week seven. Listen, I'm not going to lie. If this was week 11 or 12, I would just be passing the baton saying, guys, you got to get to 500 for the show. I still got time. Bill is killing it.
- [135:07]
Paul Virzi
Just have fun. Paul. Paul, you've done the impossible. I don't think anybody who's been listening to our show is beating the book four years in a row, dude.
- [135:17]
Andrew Theles
It made me feel bad, though. I had fans come up to a show in San Francisco going, It's October 1st. It's your time. And then I went one in three. I felt horrible. But you know what? Hey, hey, there's always November.
- [135:30]
Paul Virzi
You, you will turn it around. All right, I gotta get running here.
- [135:33]
Bill Burr
I gotta enjoy.
- [135:34]
Andrew Theles
Enjoy week seven. Bet responsibly. Have a great time, Use our code, download the app, and we will see you guys next week. Oh, I'm in Buffalo tonight with Joe Bartnick. I'm in Buffalo tonight with Joe Bartnick at Helium Comedy Club. Check that out. And then Texas, November 5th and 6th. All kinds of dates coming in December. Go to PaulVirzi.com we'll see you guys next week.
- [135:55]
Jake the Snake
It.