'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary

Episode: 'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Release Date: February 13, 2025
Host: Bill Burr
Publisher: All Things Comedy
Description: Bill Burr rants about relationship advice, sports, and the Illuminati.

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1. A Week of Hiccups and Hiccups: [00:00 - 05:28]

Bill Burr kicks off the episode by sharing his recent battle with persistent hiccups, detailing how they disrupted his daily life and performances. He humorously recounts his attempts to overcome them, including dietary changes and doctor visits.

"I had the fucking hiccups for like two days... I have to drink some fucking water to try to keep this shit down."
— Bill Burr [00:13]

Bill reminisces about childhood fascination with the Guinness Book of World Records, particularly the record for the longest hiccups, highlighting the absurdity of such achievements.

2. Musical Revelations: 'Becoming Led Zeppelin' and Paul McCartney Concert Review [05:28 - 13:32]

Bill delves into his experience watching the documentary "Becoming Led Zeppelin," expressing admiration for John Bonham and lamenting the lack of comprehensive content for fans. He shares touching insights about Bonham’s personal life and struggles with alcoholism.

Transitioning to a vivid recount of attending Paul McCartney’s intimate concert at the Bowery Ballroom, Bill describes the electrifying atmosphere and McCartney's enduring energy at 82 years old.

"He just comes out and just, boom. Goes right in. Can't buy me love... Every song sounded great."
— Bill Burr [06:00]

He praises McCartney’s performance, highlighting memorable moments and the camaraderie between the band and the audience.

3. Fashion Faux Pas and Language Rants [13:32 - 16:18]

Bill shifts focus to critique modern fashion choices in sports, specifically Travis Kelce’s outfit, which he deems inappropriate and absurd.

"I think it's stupid that they do this whole fashion thing or whatever, but, you know... that outfit just said cocaine."
— Bill Burr [05:34]

He extends his rant to the misuse of gendered terms like "actress" and "stewardess," arguing that modern alternatives often fail to capture the intended meaning without being offensive.

4. Superstitions and the Curse of Friday the 13th [16:18 - 31:15]

Addressing superstitions, Bill explores the origins of Friday the 13th’s bad luck, dissecting historical and biblical references with his signature irreverent humor.

"It's just bullshit. That's what it is."
— Bill Burr [30:40]

He debunks various myths, including the biblical story of Eve and the Knights Templar’s downfall, emphasizing the irrational fear surrounding the date.

5. Comedy, Relationships, and Parenting [31:15 - 43:10]

Bill discusses his relationship with Nia, his partner, highlighting everyday challenges and humorous mishaps. He shares anecdotes about attempting to find a gym with a functional steam room, critiquing inappropriate behavior in such spaces.

"You cannot use a steam room or a dry sauna in a gym... there’s going to be two guys in there having a sword fight."
— Bill Burr [15:34]

He also touches on parenting, detailing the chaos of raising a young child and the humorous aspects of fatherhood.

6. Sports Highlights and Personal Anecdotes [43:10 - 66:24]

Bill offers passionate commentary on various sports events, including Bruins hockey and NCAA basketball. He vividly describes the intensity of a Duke vs. UNC game, praising the atmosphere and the players' performances.

"It was like how loud the crowd was when Vinatieri kicked that field goal. It was that loud the whole fucking game."
— Bill Burr [55:00]

Additionally, he shares his admiration for Coach K and recounts memorable moments from his own sports experiences, blending personal stories with sports analysis.

7. Health, Lifestyle, and Meditation Rants [66:24 - 83:20]

Bill explores themes of health and lifestyle, critiquing the misuse of steam rooms in gyms and sharing stories about a 130-pound tumor mistaken for excess weight.

"He had 130 pound tumor and he just thought it was part of his love handle. He is fat."
— Bill Burr [30:15]

He also discusses his journey with meditation, emphasizing its impact on reducing his temper and improving his mental health.

"My temper has really reduced... I just have to believe that I am."
— Bill Burr [83:20]

8. Political Commentary and Global Events [83:20 - 86:48]

In his final segment, Bill provides a scathing critique of the European Union’s attempt to control Italy’s army, labeling EU officials as fascists driven by self-interest.

"The European Union, which in my opinion is run by fascists with self interest..."
— Bill Burr [27:56]

He humorously addresses the stereotype of conspiracy theorists wearing tin foil hats, reflecting on the absurdity of certain political narratives.

"If you just started saying what the fuck you just said, you'd probably run into the same problem."
— Bill Burr [43:10]

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Notable Quotes

• "I have to drink some fucking water to try to keep this shit down."
  — Bill Burr [00:13]

• "She sold it. And Julian wants to get it back, but because Yoko sold it, he has to buy it back."
  — Bill Burr [29:34]

• "Everyone's already like, what? Oh, my God. She's like. Just for somebody to show up at a Hollywood event like that in a dress that says, like, you know, it's pro Trump is pretty."
  — Bill Burr [42:45]

• "You've got your tin foil hat on. You know, I don't even know what the fuck it means."
  — Bill Burr [43:08]

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Conclusion

Bill Burr’s episode of the Monday Morning Podcast is a blend of humorous rants, personal anecdotes, and sharp social commentary. From battling hiccups to attending legendary concerts, discussing the absurdity of modern superstitions, critiquing fashion and language, to delving into sports and political conspiracies, Bill’s candid and unfiltered take offers listeners a relatable and entertaining journey through his week.

Whether he's sharing laughs over a Paul McCartney concert or venting about steam room misconduct, Bill Burr maintains his signature comedic style, making this episode both engaging and thought-provoking for fans and new listeners alike.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in, checking in on you.

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

Jesus Christ, what a fucking week I'm having. Jesus Christ, dude. I had the fucking hiccups for like two days. And I'm not saying they won't happen right now. Alright? So get ready. How's that for a teaser? Oh my God, am I gonna hear some hiccups? Have I tuned into the fucking perfect podcast or what? Evidently you can't have a couple cups of coffee and then balsamic vinaigrette two days in a row. It's too. I didn't know balsamic vinaigrette was acidic. And like I, I didn't, I didn't even know what the was going on. And they just wouldn't stop to the point I was at rehearsal doing my. With the hiccups. I did interviews with the hiccups to promote my. That I was doing with the hiccups. I was waking up in the middle of the night with the hiccups. I feel like I'm going to get the hiccups again right now. So I have to drink some fucking water to try to keep this shit down. I had to go to the doctor, the whole fucking thing. And I started thinking about, I remember like when I was a kid. Oh, when I was just a lad. One of, one of the most amazing books when I was a kid was the Guinness Book of World Records. And he'd always look for the fattest guy, you know. Then they had the fat twins on the, the mini bikes, the tallest man and all of that, the longest fingernails, all this stupid. And then one of them was the world record for the, the longest hiccups. And this poor bastard had hiccups like he got him and then just had them for the rest of his life, like decades. This guy had hiccups and had the intestinal fortitude to not kill himself. Like, I don't know at what point, at what point your diaphragm is feeling like, you know, your organs are doing sit ups, right? You definitely got a nickname, you know, you know, Billy Jumpstart. Be something. So I finally went to the doctor, something German Irish people do not do. But I was being smart and I went there and the lady told me what was up and got me some over the counter shit that I'm supposed to take for like a week. And evidently I'll be all right. So just laying off the coffee, the Balsamic vinaigrette. No pasta, you know, red sauce, basically, right, that's acidic tomatoes. Eat some root vegetables and see what the hell happened. But the last time I had heartburn like this was me and Versi were doing a gig in New Orleans, and we had the gig on Friday at the casino. On Saturday, we went to the LSU Alabama game in Death Valley. Then we hung around Sunday, and then on Monday, we went to Monday night, the New Orleans Saints versus the Philadelphia Eagles. Your super bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles, who should have fucking won two of the last three. Think about that. They should have won two of the last three. That fucking hand on the small of that fucking dude's back. And they called that holding and put the fucking Chiefs. I swear to God, if I was the Chiefs, you know, even though they, they, they didn't give many calls the other day, they actually said, all right, you have to win this football game legitimately. They should have sent him a thank you letter for all the calls they got the last few years. And they should have had that Bette Midler song underneath it. You are the wind beneath my wings. And just show a highlight of throwing or picking up flags in these crucial moments. Did you ever know that you're my hero. By the way, I stand by Travis Kelce's outfit. I stand by that a hundred percent. A hundred percent. I stand by that outfit. That outfit was the. And I'm. And I think it's stupid that they do this whole fashion thing or whatever, but, you know.

[B]

If.

[A]

I mean, that outfit just said cocaine. I mean, you know, I like when people steer into it. Rather than go away. Don't. Don't fucking show up trying to be wholesome. Show me how filthy the world is, all right? Show me how there's two sets, if not three sets of rules out there. Show me. I don't know, fucking come up there like you're gonna do the Lawrence Welk show, huh? Nice reference there.

[B]

50 years old.

[A]

All right, I had one of the most incredible fucking weeks. I don't know where to start as far as just like, going out and seeing shit. I went out and I saw that becoming Led Zeppelin movie where if you're a John Bonham fanatic like I am, there's very, very, very, very little. There's like one black and white video that has him talking. I think it's him and Robert Plant early in their career, and he just didn't want to do it. You know, the press used to rip them to shreds and everything. So I Think he was just like, I don't give a fuck. Fuck these guys, right? I don't need them. We're selling out arenas, you know, that's it, right? So there's a bunch of new stuff in there because they found some interview that he did, just the audio of it. And I'm telling you, just to hear his voice, just to hear him talking, to hear him laughing, to know what his laugh sounds like. And there's. There's a. There's a laugh at, like, on the second side of the Physical Graffiti album. And now, after all these years, I always wondered who it was. And I'm like, oh, my God, that's Bonham's laugh. And they have pictures of him when he was a kid. You know, he was kind of like a fat kid when he was growing up. So it kind of made sense, you know, when he got older, that he kind of was going in that direction again. Now, had people known about addiction and alcoholism and all of that, they could have had, like, an intervention. People just didn't know how to help people. They could have got to the root of the problem that, you know, he was a great dad and he missed his family and he'd get sad and he would drink. Like, that's basically what it was. And as far as what. Look, obviously I don't know the real answer, but, like, I feel like that's what happened on that night when he. What did they say? Death by misadventure. When he drank too much, got sick in his sleep and asphyxiated. I just think the thought of going back out on the road again and being away from his family, because there's pictures there and a couple little video things of him with his son. And I don't know, I could always tell, like, a good dad, because, you know, the kids are really physical with them, like, crawling all over them, and they're like sort of like fake wrestling them with them and stuff like that. To me, that's always. That shows me that the dad is involved, that, you know, the kids crawling all over you and stuff like that. That means doing the dad thing. You're getting down on the floor with them. You know what I mean? You're recreating WrestleMania. You're coming up with all, you know, chasing them around and all of that stuff. So it's really, really cool to see that part of them. And then also to hear these guys talking about his playing and some of the footage and stuff. It's. It's really cool. Anyway, so I saw that Tuesday Night. And then last night, out of nowhere, my buddy Josh, Adam Myers goes, dude, Paul McCartney is playing the Bowery Ballroom. It's like a 600 seater. Do you want to go? And I'd never seen him. And I'm like, it's a Beetle. I gotta go. So we end up going down there and it was sort of a last second show and you couldn't get tickets online. You had to go down there and physically buy them. And I don't think a lot of people heard about it or whatever, but, like, it was, like, it was full, but it wasn't like jammed. Maybe they listened to the fire code. So we were standing on the floor down below, but it wasn't like suffocating, you know. And he comes out with this killer band, you know, finally got to see Abe on drums, who's just a killer drummer, having so much fun. And they came out, it's Paul McCartney. And I'm standing like, I couldn't have been more than, you know, 40, 50ft away from him. You know, like, if it was like a regular giant arena, I would have been like 10th row. It was crazy. And he just comes out and just, boom. Goes right in. Can't buy me love. And it was just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's singing a Beatle. A Beatle is singing a Beatles song to me, 50ft away from me. And every song sounded great. Like, even the stuff, I wasn't familiar with, his newer stuff or whatever he played. Let's see. Okay, let's go through the Beatles stuff. He played can't buy me love. Baby, you can drive my car. People went nuts. And there's all these young people there and they were like jumping up and down and stuff, like, going crazy. It was incredible. He played Blackbird. Oh, my God, I'm going blank. Let it be, hey Jude. And then he came out, he played that whole medley like, boy, you're gonna carry that weight. And then, ah, you're gonna be in my dreams tonight. Then Abe played the drum solo. They went into that and then closed with the final part. And in the end, and then he played some like Paul McCartney in Wings. I got to get you into my life. It was unbelievable. And he sounded incredible. He sounded incredible. And then beyond that, he was hilarious in between songs, like, just going back and forth with the crowd. Really, really, really funny. But I am so, like, thankful that I got to see him. And then also, just as somebody, you know, who goes on stage too, to see a guy 82 years old with that amount of energy. Still killing it that hard and having that much fun is. It's just a great thing to see, you know what I mean? You don't want to go there and fucking see somebody up there because they got fucking tax problems and shit and just, you know, I don't know. Like, we've all been to those shows where you go to.

[B]

Like.

[A]

I always said that some you go to see an older entertainer, one of two things is going to happen. You're either going to be thinking about your own mortality. Some of them make you think about dying, and the others make, you know, a very rare few make you feel about going out and living. And Paul McCartney, thank God, made me want to go out and live. Uh. Oh, here come the hiccups. Yeah, here we go. Starting. I was hoping I could get through this whole thing, but you know what? They're not as bad as they were. So I don't think I'm gonna be setting any sort of Guinness book of world record thing anyway, so anyway. Yeah. Oh, and. And then, like, you know, up on the. The balcony, there was all these famous people that. That had come in to go check them out and, you know, musicians and. And comedians. Saw an NFL owner up there. I don't want to rat anybody. I don't like saying names or whatever, but like, it. Actors, actresses or whatever. I still don't understand why you can't say actress. Like, why is actress offensive? You know what I mean? You're one of the, you know, if you're a incredible actress, the. Did you say, you know?

[B]

I. I don't. There's a couple.

[A]

I never understood that actress is offensive, stewardess is offensive. And then they come with flight attendant. Stewardess. Sounds like more like mysterious.

[B]

Like.

[A]

I don't know what. Like flight attendant. They just saying what you're doing. You're attending the flight. We know what you're doing.

[B]

Why.

[A]

Why are you so ashamed of it? Little people. Is that better? I get not wanting to be called a midget. Once they said what it was and where it came from, it's like, I get that they couldn't come up with something better than little people. See if I can. I don't know, off the top of my head, I probably can't do better. Little people, second string. No, that's still insulting. I don't know, man.

[B]

Maybe that's tough.

[A]

Anyway, I would. Well, listen, if they were the ones who actually came up with it, you know, they had like a meeting. You know what I mean? They had a little meeting. Sorry, it's just easy jokes. Anyway, plowing ahead. So I got to see those two things. And then I saw highlights of the Super Bowl. Jesus Christ. That was a mugging. Anyway, at some point I'm gonna watch that. I'm sure the NFL Network is going to have it on or I'll be able to watch it. Someone's gonna, you know, it's gonna be great. Somebody's gonna post it without the commercials, which will be fantastic. And I don't know, you know, it's a bad super bowl when most of the controversy is about the halftime show. You know what I mean? I guess it was people upset that they, they felt like they couldn't understand Kendrick Lamar. I did see some funny fucking videos though, where they were like, you know, middle aged white people saying they can't understand Kendrick Lamar, but they understand this. And then they show Eddie Vedder singing, I mean, that one song. What is that one song? Oh, Jesus Christ. Somebody made a whole video of it and it just makes it seem like he's singing these people's songs off of their IDs. Just their names. Sorry. Not singing these songs, singing their names off their IDs. But then somebody had a funny comment in this section going. It's not Pearl Jam. White people who are saying that they can't understand Kendrick Lamar. All right, well, there's so much I want to tell you guys about, but I just, I can't talk about it until the is over. That's just how it works. I'm gonna at some point tell you an absolutely hilarious story about trying to find a gym to work out in in New York City. Fuck it. I'm gonna tell you a little bit about it. You know, I love taking steams and I love going into the fucking sauna. You know what I mean? It's really good for you. There's, there's studies out there. Studies have set said that it's great for your heart and it really, you know, if you do it a couple times a week, it really staves off like heart disease. All right, I'm an old dad. This is an important thing for me. But like, you just, you cannot use a steam room or a dry sauna in a gym. You can do it at a spa. I feel if there's a lot of women there in couples, you can use it or you can use it at a hotel, but you in no way shape or form can use a sauna or a steam room at a gym because there's gonna be two guys in there having a sword fight. Or they just did. And there's a sign outside the thing and the place is temporarily closed. You cannot believe how many gyms we were trying to find. And there would be like a sign where it would just say like the steam room do. The steam room is closed indefinitely due to ongoing inappropriate behavior. And it's just like I, for the life of me, I don't understand why anybody in any way, gay or straight, would want to have fucking sex in a. In a fucking steam room. The fungus, the athlete's foot, the planters wart, the fucking shit that you can get off of that floor. You taking your dick out. Not only will I not go into a sauna without flip flops on, I won't go in there unless they're mine. My flip flops. I'm not even using the other ones because I don't trust that they fucking wash the other ones properly. So I don't know, I just think I'm convinced that that's all just closeted married guys, you know what I mean? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. What are you doing? I don't know. Like, maybe some people get turned on with the idea of fucking in the rainforest. Is that what it is? And you just don't have the money to go down there with somebody or you don't want to deal with the wildlife. You know, being in the middle of having sex with whatever the hell you're into and all of a sudden some jaguar jumps on your back or a fucking anaconda. I don't know, I don't get it. But I really feel like if because other people are fucking have an inappropriate, you know, behavior in the sauna that like everyone else who's not fucking in the sauna should get a discount because part of my. The fee for working out there is, is fucking that you, you get. You know, you gave me the tour. You said there's a sauna and a dry sauna. You know, you didn't say. If you could just fucking somehow navigate whatever the fuck inappropriate is going behavior is going on in there. You can take esteem, you know, Is that part of the tour we go like, all right, you know, if you don't want to see psychologically scarring behavior, try to come here doing. Is it, Is it better to come in during peak hours or. Because there's a lot of witnesses or non peak hours, but it's fucking out of control. I can't tell you that. But I'm going to tell you some fucking stories later anyway. What are you going to do? All right. Well, that's the podcast. This is a few minutes short here. I got to do. I gotta go here, so I'm gonna be late for work anyway. I want to thank Jimmy Page for putting together that becoming Led Zeppelin thing. And I want to thank Paul McCartney for doing that small show. I want to thank Josh Adam Myers for getting me a ticket. It was unbelievable. It was life changing. I will never forget that concert. It made me want to. It made me feel great. I felt amazing. I was floating when I was coming out of there. And the fact that Paul McCartney can still do that over 60 years into his career is really inspiring, and it's something I'm so happy I got a chance to experience. All right, that is the podcast. Listen to the music picked out by Andrew Themless, and then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast coming out after this. MotoGP stats soon. So does F1. Baseball season's coming up. And basketball. What do we got? We got March Madness, Bill. We know what we got. I don't know. I get excited because everybody gets all sad when football's over, but there's still a lot of good shit out there. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend. You can't. And I'll check in on you on Monday.

[B]

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wondering where it will go I'm feeling the cracks that ran through the door and kept my mind from wondering where it will go and it really doesn't matter hey, what's going on? What's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 13, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How y'all? How you doing over there? Why is it. Why is Friday the 13th unlucky? And Monday the 13th? Oh, that's just fucking fine. You know who's the pussy who came up with that one? You think Monday the 13th. Fuck unlucky 13. And it's Monday, and I got five fucking days in front of me. I have to work Friday 13th. Who gives a shit? You stub your toe a couple of times, the next thing you know, you're at the TGI Fridays, right? You're down there eyeballing one of the ladies, you know, you come up to her, you tell her you like her striped shirt, Start bitching about the horrible day you had, you know, and she's a woman, so she'll listen to it. She'll kick into that motherly instinct. Unless she already has kids and then she doesn't have time for it, you know, Then she looks and just says, listen, I ain't sucking your dick, all right? So just get the fuck out of here. And then you move on to something younger. Isn't that how it goes? Why? What is so fucking unlucky? You know what? I didn't even know I was going to. I got to look this up now. Why is Friday the 13th unlucky? Hang on, let me hit pause for a second. All right, before. I just looked it up. I didn't read any. I just got. I just got to the Google thing where they got whatever it is on the first page. All right, who's kidding who with the Internet? Whatever. The fact is. The fact is whatever you look up within the first two fucking clicks on the first page becomes the truth. That's it. Okay? So that's what the fuck I'm looking at. You know, if the right answer to any question is fucking beyond what you have to scroll down on the first page of any subject of the Internet, it's. It's over. No one's ever going to know the truth because who. Who the fuck ever goes to page 14? Not even journalists do that. They don't give a shit. All right, I'm gonna say it either. Has to do with. It's gotta be religious. It's gotta be religious. Jesus did something. He always had bad Fridays, didn't he? No, he had a good Friday. Today's Good Friday. What happened on Good Friday? Did he the Rock roll back? And he came walking out, you know, like one of those fucking movies where they thought they killed a guy and he didn't. And then he comes back, except not like Tom Sawyer, fucking creep. Hanging out at his own funeral. I was done with that kid once he did that show. This kid's a fucking weirdo. All right, Friday 13th. Why is it unlucky and other Facts about the worst day in the calendar. In the calendar, not on the calendar. We're in it. We're not in it. We're not on it. Alright? Friday the 13th, considered by many, is one of the unluckiest days of the year. Is almost here again. This is from January 2017. Oh, shit. January 13th. Well, fuck. Nothing happened to us. If you're still alive, if you're worried about what's in store, what the fuck? In 2017. Here's some of the fun facts. When is the next Friday 13th? No. Why? Stupid. All right. Biblical origins.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Of course it Always goes back to the Bible. Oh, Jesus. Dad's mad. Dad's coming home. He's not in a good fucking mood. He had a bad week, you know. Of course it's the kid's fault. Stupid cunt. He tried to build everything in six fucking days. Typical do it yourself job. Why didn't you farm it out to someone who knew what the fuck they were doing? Built the thing up to code, you dope. Fucking sticking a steel beam in the middle of a fucking wood wall. Yeah, everything above it is supported better. What about below it? Dad, what about below it? The fuck did this music come from? All right, let's read with this music on in the background. The superstition about this day is thought to have. I can't do this. It's thought to have come about. All right, that's enough of that. During the Middle Ages, and many have biblical origins, some historians have claimed it was the day on which Eve bit the apple from the tree of Nah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Holy. That just scared the shit out of me. Nia. The lovely Nia, everybody. Oh, with my beautiful daughter. Two lovely ladies. What's going on?

[C]

Uh, I thought you were done.

[B]

Sorry, no, I was watching the videos that people sent me this week. What's going on? Are you gonna drop her off? No, I can't do the podcast the way I talk. That's why I was in here with the door closed. It's a pocket door, by the way, if you wonder why. It just squeaked like we live in a haunted house.

[C]

No, I just found another. I just saw another place that I wanted to show you that maybe you wanted to order from.

[B]

Yeah, just order me something remotely healthy.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Something to stave off the calories I consume in alcohol.

[C]

Okay. Would you like some sort of, like, a bowl, like, with rice and tofu and that sort of thing?

[B]

I hate tofu. It's gotta be a real dead animal to vegetables.

[C]

Okay, so you want. You want meat? So I shouldn't order from a vegan place then?

[B]

I like I vegan. As long as there's none of that tofu. I don't understand what that stuff is. That's like, the type of shit that they seal caps with.

[C]

So tofu?

[B]

Yeah, so liquid doesn't leak. It's not good for you.

[C]

Tofu's not good for you?

[B]

No.

[C]

Are you sure you're thinking of tofu.

[B]

Or are you thinking of tofu? Doesn't come from a tree, does it? There's no tofu trees.

[C]

I thought tofu was made from soybeans.

[B]

Yeah, but isn't soy bad for you?

[C]

Not always.

[B]

I have no idea. Let me get your phone for you. I. I don't know. Just. If you're gonna order from a vegan place, just get me vegetables. Shit that I. You know. I know what it. I know what it is. I don't know what tofu is. It's like fucking algae or something. All right, Shuffles. Nia, do you know why Friday the 13th is unlucky?

[C]

Why?

[B]

I don't know either. I've been reading about it here. The New in the. They try to say that Eve fucking maybe bit the apple. They were in paradise. There was no calendar. What do they have to worry about? It's no bills. They have to go to work, you know, what did they do in fucking eat. Oh, shit, Monday. Same shit, different day. It's fucking paradise. I also don't understand why, if it was paradise, why they had a fucking snake in there trying to fuck everything up? It was the devil. Yeah, but that's on God.

[C]

God and the devil are two separate entities.

[B]

They're not two separate. If God made everything, he also made the cunt of all cunts, did he not? Oh, no.

[C]

But the devil was an angel that got cast out.

[B]

So the devil was basically a bad hire that came back and tried to take his company down. All right, okay, let me finish reading this. Okay. In the New Testament, I love how they blame the woman. Like, that's why everything's all fucked up. I mean, without a doubt, if you told abroad to not go over there and eat the fucking apple, she's gonna be intrigued, you know, like a guy wouldn't. Whatever you. That's the classic thing, like a substitute teaching. Whatever you do, don't laugh. Next person who laughs gets detention. That's it. You're done. You're fucking squeezing your nose, doing that fucking little kid laugh. That's it. Next thing you know, you're missing a week of recess. That's why you got all these fat fucking kids. The regular teacher takes the day off. The substitute teacher creates the tension. The one skinny kid starts laughing and then he's done. He's eating that fucking food down the cafeteria that's got all the preservatives in it. Do you know, if you fucking kill somebody and nobody figures it out, you're not in the clear for a good 40 years. That's how they're digging people up from 12 years ago. And it's like they took a fucking nap. Hey, I tell you, these people, they're full of preservatives, you know? All right, in the New Testament, there were 13 people present for Jesus. Jesus, Last Supper on Maundy Thursday. Maundy. M A U N D Y Is that some other fucking day of the week they used to have? What do you mean, the New Testament? That wasn't in the Old Testament. Oh, wait a minute. We fucked up. Thought there was 12. There's 13. The day before Christ's crucifixion on Good Friday. Oh, Good Friday. So he went out, he had a couple of beers, he had a good fucking time. And the next thing you know, he got the old right there, Fred. All right, more bad luck. On Friday, October 13, 1307, Philip IV of France shouldn't be. Philippe Le Cate arrested hundreds of the Knights Templar in his. Well, what the f. What did they do? In his novel Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown cites the 14th century execution. Oh, who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? You know something? It's just. It's just all bullshit. That's what it is. You always knew it was. I'm trying to think of anything bad's ever happened me on the 13th, but I pay. Oh, Fatima, get bad luck today. Fucking old ladies. Keeping that shit going. That's what it is. Oh, by the way, really good friend of mine and one of the fucking best comedians I've ever seen, Nick Depaulo, the great Nick Depaulo. He has a new stand up Special, a new one hour standup special that's debuting this Thursday, February 16th at 8, 8pm on CISO TV called Inflammatory. I don't get to watch him as much since I'm out here, but he is somebody. Last time I worked with them was at Comics Come Home. Once again, legendary set. And that's it. He's just one of those fucking guys. He's just. He's the guy, he's the shit. And he's got a new special on CISO. Check it out. Thursday, Friday, Thursday, February 16th at 8pm it's called inflammatory. And he also used to host a show with Artie Lang and now he's doing his own podcast. To subscribe to his podcast, you can go to connect pal c o n n e c t pal.com Nick. All right, there we go. So you know what the fuck I did today? You know what my dumb ass did today? Aside getting on the elliptical, which was a good thing, all right? I took my life insurance fucking test. This guy had a problem hitting my vein. He goes, you're gonna bruise a little bit. You should See me, I look like. I don't look like I've been doing smack. I just look like somebody just pinched my fucking inside of my elbow really fucking hard. Anyway, so I did all that. Ugh, what a shit show that was. Fucking guy sitting there going, do you drink at all? Right? And like, he's got his back to my bar, which I told you is murderer's row. The bottles I have there, I told you right now, I put it up against the 27 Yankees, the 96 Bulls. Let's go. Some underrated teams, the 83, 76ers somehow lost in history about how fucking great they were, right? The 86 Celtics, the 85 Lakers, the fucking 2016 New England Patriots. The 98 Yankees. That was a great team before they fucking free agent their way. I mean, speaking of which, the Red Sox are doing that this year. It's a good year to get the package. No matter what. You're gonna be entertained. You either get to watch like a fucking 900 million dollar team shit the bed or just, you know, there is no Santa Claus. We're buying it one or the other. Either way it's gonna be dramatic. So anyways, I got a such a funny question. How many drinks do you. I don't fucking know. Do I have a pocket protector? I don't count them. I like, you know, they always. You know what's funny? They fucking say having a glass of wine with your meal is actually good for you. You know what I mean? So, I mean, I don't understand that. Do you smoke? Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Just fucking lying your ass off. Oh, Jesus. Can you imagine if you can imagine anybody, even the fucking people who work there, if you answered any of those questions fucking honestly, you know what I mean? All right, Bruins. And I probably shouldn't be talking about this. Who gives a shit? There's a comedy podcast. These are all jokes, everybody. This is what I did today. My fucking dumb ass did today. So, you know, I'm gonna be the person presenter at the Writers Guild. No, the. Yeah, the Writers Guild Awards thing, right? And so they say it's a black tie thing. And I'm like, ah, fuck, I gotta get a fucking tuxedo. So I call up, by the time I call up, it's too late to get one. So Nia, Google some pictures. And everybody seems like relaxed, like they're just wearing suits with the black tie. So I say, fuck it, I wear one of my suits. So I pull out a suit, I get the shirt, we do the whole fucking thing. I Got it to go and all that. So today I'm dressing up, you know, I'm hanging with my daughter. I'm putting my time in, you know, because I'm gonna be gone for three, four hours and NIA's gonna be handling it by herself. And I'm gonna go out and go do this, this fucking Hollywood thing, right? And I'm sitting there and I know, you know, the red carpet and everything's between three or four and I'm like, I can't. I don't know when the fuck the car's coming to pick me up. I'm all dressed up, ready to go, you know, 2:00, 2:05, 2:10, 2:15. I'm texting people, hey, when's this car coming to get me? 225. I walk outside, I'm looking around, I don't see anybody. I'm just sitting there and it finally dawns on me. I'm like, wait a minute. And I just looked up the date of the fucking awards show. It's next Sunday. Isn't that hilarious? You know, the funny thing about it is Nia got mad at me. Why don't you write things down? Who gives a. It's not. I didn't miss it. I just was a little early. And now I know, you know, I know that, you know, I know what I'm going to wear now. I'm actually way ahead of the game because I fucked up. What do you want from me? Anyway, speaking of, this is something I got to let you guys know about. The Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. The fifth annual Patrisse O'Neill Comedy Benefit. We're actually going to be releasing some. Some tickets, some high quality tickets, I guess you say. Some really good seats. And we're gonna be doing that Monday. Today, if you listen to it, on Monday. Jesus Christ. With the fucking opening of the door there.

[C]

Because it's ridiculous, that's why.

[B]

What is ridiculous? How am I trashing you?

[C]

Because you were saying like I got mad at you because you.

[B]

Come here, come on. Come here. Come. Come in here, come in here. Come in. Don't yell, don't yell. You got the kid there. What?

[C]

It's absolutely absurd for you to not know when things are anymore. It's like you're a grown ass man and you got all dressed to go to this.

[B]

Why is it always grown ass? Why can't you say you're a grown up?

[C]

I can say whatever I want to say. And I'm choosing to say that you're a Grown ass man who can't seem to write anything down.

[B]

Is that because you're a strong woman.

[C]

To the point where you're going to get all dressed up and be like.

[B]

Oh, what am I going to wear?

[C]

This and that and the other? And then you come downstairs five minutes later like, well, it's next. Like, what's wrong with you? You need to get it together. It's not cute.

[B]

Yeah, that's like, the first thing I've screwed up like that in a long time. I have a bunch of events in my phone, right in the calendar section.

[C]

Forgetting when things are. You're always getting the dates wrong, and it's frustrating. It's just annoying.

[B]

All right, but how am I doing as a dad?

[C]

What does that have to do with anything? You're doing amazingly as a dad.

[B]

All right, well, stop acting like I'm in some shooting heroin in an alley.

[C]

I'm not acting like you're shooting heroin in an alley, but you just need. I just don't understand why you can't ever get your schedule straight. You're always getting the dates wrong. You're like, oh, it's tomorrow, not today, it's next week, not this week. Like, I don't. I don't get it.

[B]

I'm busy and I don't have an assistant. You.

[C]

Well, you should get an assistant.

[B]

I don't want another person to talk to.

[C]

I've been telling you to get an assistant for, like, three years now because of this very reason.

[B]

Nia, you want to hear all the shit I did this week that I made? Totally got there on time. No, you don't. Okay, you know why? Cause that would prove my point if I was a baseball.

[C]

What is your point exactly?

[B]

99% of shit I get there on time.

[C]

99%.

[B]

That's a little 98. No. And you did get mad at me. I'm not.

[C]

I did.

[B]

Well, then what's the problem? Why did you have to dramatically open our squeaky pocket door to come in here and insert yourself on the podcast?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

All right, are you done?

[C]

Are you kicking me out now? Are you almost done?

[B]

No, I've just started.

[C]

Oh, you just started?

[B]

Well, people sent me. Oh, no, I'm 17 minutes in.

[C]

Oh, Jesus. I came up here to watch the Grammys, but I can't turn the TV on now.

[B]

Right. It'll watch the Grammys.

[C]

Okay, I'm going to.

[B]

Is there gonna be a bunch of people, like, writing new verses about how Trump's the most evil thing ever?

[C]

There's Some chick that showed up on the red carpet wearing a sparkly dress that said make America great again, and then Trump on the back of it. I don't know who she is, but everyone's already like, what? Oh, my God. She's like. Just for somebody to show up at a Hollywood event like that in a dress that says, like, you know, it's pro Trump is pretty.

[B]

Pretty. Paint by numbers. Shock.

[C]

I guess so.

[B]

I don't know. Do you think she'll get some free press out of that?

[C]

I think she will.

[B]

Was she wearing Madonna's beret?

[C]

No, she was not.

[B]

I'm going to a protest. What should I wear?

[C]

No, she's wearing a pro Trump. A Pro Trump dress is what I'm saying.

[B]

I know, I know, because that other shit is played out. Acting like the sky is falling, so now they're gonna go the other direction.

[C]

Yeah, I know, but I feel like that's not gonna be, like, good press for her. You know what I mean?

[B]

Hey, toots, any. Any press is good press. It's how this dirty town works.

[C]

Yeah, I guess so.

[B]

Okay. Or you could just put out a.

[C]

Good album, right, and not rely on your stupid clothes.

[B]

Yeah, if you put out a good album, you can keep your clothes on. You don't have to say who you voted for. You can just go up there and accept your shiny thing.

[C]

That's true. All right, I'm gonna take the baby.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Okay. Bye. Bye. Anyways, Hi, everybody on the podcast. All right, close. If you pull the door lower, it doesn't squeak as much.

[A]

See?

[B]

There you go. See that? You almost did it. You can watch the Grammys near. Go ahead. Anyways. Oh, by the way, I'm gonna fuck this up the two fucking best channels right now. In my. In my not humble opinion, people say, in my humble opinion, like, you're a humble person. You're not. You're injecting your fucking ideas, most likely into a conversation that you just overheard. Or is that just me? In my opinion? I don't know. When the humble came about, you know, hey, you know, who am I? Who am I? Who are you? You're the fucking guy that is, you know, holding court right now with your opinions. There's nothing fucking humble about this. You're shining a spotlight on yourself. You know, I'm actually in a good mood, too. Hang on a second.

[A]

Let me.

[B]

Let me fucking find this stuff. There's two fucking channels out there. Viceland is the shit. I already told you about that. And now what's his face Puffy has a new network. Puffy, you cunt. Puffy's network. They said net worth revolt. It's another great fucking channel. Both of those channels remind me of the early days of mtv. The early days of MTV was somewhere between, obviously, regular television and then just basic cable. Fucking lunatics, which I really miss. I remember I used to watch this guy, Damon Zechs talked about this a long time ago on the Opie and Anthony Show. Used to pretend he was running for office. Damon Zechs. There it is. There it is. This guy was a fucking superstar. I think it was Channel 8. There he is. I love this fucking guy. This is. This isn't gonna translate well. D A M O N Z E X. And he used to do this thing where you pretend that he was running for office. This crazy makeup on and just saying all this fucked up shit. And me and Bobby Kelly were living together and stone sober. We would just watch that guy, like, late night after we did our spots, just ordered Chinese food, and we just sit there watching the guy, laughing our asses off and fucking getting freaked out. I don't know, but the early days of MTV was like that. And I haven't seen, you know, network television or basic cable be like that in a long time. And I gotta tell you, those two channels, just great. A bunch of random shit in there. Original shows, I don't know. Puffy's channel's more like. I just sat there watching it and it was that guy. What the fuck's his name? Not Mike Jones. Guy's really killer Mike. Killer Mike. And I guess the guy he raps with is white. I don't know anything about, but they fucking just filmed them. They just sat around talking about their albums. One guy smoking weed, he has like a fucking coughing fit for, like 30 seconds. They don't even edit it out. And I was just sitting there and I'm like two hours into this thing going, how the fuck am I still watching this? But it was way more interesting than a lot of. I don't know. I like it. Check it out. If you. If you. If you like it, you like it, whatever. What are you going to do? Anyways? All right, let's. Let's talk about the world of sports. As I always do, as I eventually do, as I always make my way back to the old bread and circus here. Bruce Cassidy, new coach of the Boston Bruins, former player, came up with the Blackhawks in, like, the 80s and unfortunately had, like three or four knee injuries. This is all I know about the guy. And then he Paid his fucking dues as a coach. Coming up, my favorite stop that he had on the way up. He coached for the Jacksonville Lizard Kings, which, you know, I'm throwing in. I'm throwing my vote in. That's one of the best. That's one of the best fucking names for a minor league team, huh? The Lizard Kings. It's a reference to the Doors. They got a bunch of reptiles in Florida. And fucking Jim Morrison got arrested in Florida for allegedly taking his dick out. Also known in some circles as your lizard. And who doesn't want to be a king? You know, you got the Sacramento Kings, you got the LA Kings, and you got the Jacksonville Lizard Kings. Anyways, he's undefeated so far. You know, granted, you know, we were playing our best hockey, I felt of this season when. When he took over. But this is the new guy, you know, I got to support there. What's his face? Pasternock with the fucking. With the game winner against the Vancouver Canucks after he made a very sketchy pass in the first period, he makes it up. Fucking unbelievable. Came down the fucking left side, slammed on the brakes just like I do and pick up hockey, except he actually stopped, rather than continuing into the boards and hurting himself. And then fucking little. Whatever the fuck he did, and he put it in. It was fantastic. Oh, it was tremendous. But I got to tell you guys about the greatest sporting event I think I've been to since I went to the New England Patriots vs Los Angeles Rams when we won our first Super Bowl. And all I can tell you about Duke at Cameron Indoor arena, it's like how loud the crowd was when Vinatieri kicked that field goal. It was that loud the whole fucking game. I've never been to anything like it. And we sat in the low. We were sitting center court. I thought we were gonna be behind the bench. Sorry about that. We were at center court, not on the student side, across from them in the lower area. And, dude, I'll tell you, there's no fucking way to get out of there. There's no way to go to the bathroom. There's no way to fucking. There's nobody coming around to concessions. You are fucked. You are in there, and that is it. Old school. Fucking barn you went in. It's so small. I guess it holds like 9,000 people, but you felt like you were in there with like 200 people. And we came in and it was already. They were already shooting around before the game. And we finally got to our seats. Like, you just don't think that your seats are Even going to be there because everybody's so jammed in. And we didn't sit down for the whole fucking game. I started sitting down during timeouts because I'm old. And I got to tell you, I've never. I've never seen an atmosphere like that ever. This beats everything I've been to the ncaa. The championship game was in the fucking Georgia Dome. So, I mean, that's a shitty place to watch a basketball game. Even if people are going nuts, it just floats up to the top of the Dome and you don't even hear it. I've just. I don't even know where to begin. And then it was an unbelievable game. Just back and forth, back and forth. When it looked like Unc was going to pull away, Duke would come back. Then it looked like Duke was going to have the game on ice. And then Unc would come back, somebody hit a three. Somebody. Someone else would hit a fucking three. Was unbelievable. And I was very impressed with both teams. I like that kid on UNC, number 44. He doesn't rattle. He doesn't fucking act like he changed the game of basketball. When he hits a shot, all he gave a fuck about was winning. He hit some big three pointer and then they immediately called timeout. Rather than thumping his own chest and acting like he's in Braveheart, he came back to the bench, high five. But you see he was pissed because they just had just let up an easy bucket before he hit his three. And I don't know. I don't know shit about anything, but if I was a scout, I would pay attention to that just as much as somebody actually doing great things out on the court. And it was insane, dude. Fucking Coach K coming out. I just reminded me when I went to the Kings game, when they wrapped it up one time to win a Stanley cup, and I saw them bring the Stanley cup out, it was like that, except I could walk around talking. So I want to thank. I want to thank Mike hall at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte for two awesome shows, and thank you so much for getting us in touch with the person that hooked us up with the tickets. Me, Versey and Bartnik. We're all sitting there going, I think that might have been the greatest sporting event I went to. Obviously seeing the Patriots win the super bowl was bigger, but the level of excitement, like, I just never been. Never been to anything like that. And if you ever get a fucking chance, that is definitely one worth stubhubbing. Oh, the college give fucking. The students were crazy and they had all these Funny chants. And I'm sure everybody's gonna say, oh, they stole this from you. They stole this from this guy. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't fucking know. But it was making me laugh, you know, when they were introducing the UNC players. I'll just use my name. They just say, yeah, playing fucking point guard, number fucking zero, Bill Burr. And then the whole student section just goes, hi, Bill, you suck. And they just did it through the whole thing. It was childish. It was fucking hilarious. They started chanting. I couldn't tell what they were chanting. And then I gradually figured it out. This crazy towel guy. I was like, crazy? What the fuck are they saying? Crazy what? And people start turning around, looking at us. And then I realize they're looking beyond us. We look up, and all of a sudden this fucking old guy gets up, starts whipping this towel around his head. This old fucking lunatic. I'm like, ah, I guess that's. I guess that's the crazy towel guy, right? So it's going back and forth, back and forth, all these crazy chants. You let your whole team down, all of this shit. The next thing you know, it's like, halftime. We're sitting there going like, dude, what the fuck was that? That was 20 minutes of basketball. That felt like a minute. My ears were ringing like I'd gone to a concert and there was still another half to play. Then all of a sudden, this Asian lady comes out. This Asian lady coming out on like a fucking three story unicycle, and she's doing that act where you fucking. You flip the saucer onto your head, okay? Which I had seen before. I've seen the act done before. I've never seen it live. What was fucking hilarious. Virzi and Bartnik had never seen that. Not saying I wasn't blown away. I was definitely blown away. So she. She goes to, like flip it on her head. Now, first of all, you know when you stop on a unicycle, you can't just stop. You got to do that front, back, front, back, front, back, doing. Now she's doing that with one foot on the fucking pedal. She's got a goddamn soup bowl on one of her. The end of her feet, on her toes. The end of your feet. A lot of people know it as your toes, right? So everybody's sitting there, right? She fucking flips it. It does like a triple Lindy and lands on the top of her head. And everybody's just like, oh, shit. Right? So then she fucking with the thing still on her fucking head. The little Soup kitchen cup there, right? She rides down to another, the other corner of the basketball court. Now she puts two down. Now Virsey starts going, no way. No fucking way. No fucking way. Right there, Fred. It fucking lands. Whole crown. Oh, shit. Then she goes to do three. So she's got one upright, the other's upside down, the other's upright just going, like, right up her fucking shin. And she fucking landed that. And Versi stood up. You ever see when black people go to church and what do they call it? Catching the Holy Ghost? That's what looked like happened to Paul Verzek. Everybody was sitting down. Verzi stood up and applauded. I'm fucking dying, laughing. She goes to four bulls. Everybody's like, no shit. Four bulls go in the air, land right on her head. 1, 2, 3, 4. Whole crowd, what the fuck? Right? Then she goes down her closing bit. Not one, not two, not three or four. She puts five fucking soup bowls. It's all the way up to her knee, okay? Oh, I forgot to tell you this. This guy's like, flipping the bulls. So he flipped one to her and he fucking threw it too short, and she dropped it. And I was going, ah, fuck. He just jinxed her. He just fucked with the rhythm. It's like calling a timeout to ice the kicker. So she's got five flips him up in the fucking air. 1, 2, 3, 4. And the fifth one bounced off her head. Everybody's like, ah, geez, there is no Santa Claus, right? You know what she said? She said, fuck that. Set him up again, right? Teaching these kids, these fucking millennials or whatever the fuck you call these kids nowadays. These kids who grew up with knee pads, elbow pads and helmets, when they rode bicycles, they had play dates. They weren't left alone in the company of adults that no one really knew who they were. These kids were sheltered. They don't know how to make a comeback. These kids get drunk, they call Uber, right? Everything's just set up for them. So they don't know how to fucking pull themselves off the mat, you know? Well, let me tell you something. This lady on this one fucking tired bicycle, she showed them how. Cuz she said, hey, fuckhead, I don't give a shit that you throw me five more. She set him up again, right? Flipped him in the air, landed all five. Fucking place goes nuts. Nuts. Just as loud as the goddamn. Almost as loud as the fucking game. There was no break. There was no break in the excitement. That fucking ends. We're looking going, what the fuck did we just see? And out comes Coach K. Fucking Duke and Unc. And it gets loud again. More chanting, more singing, more fucking screaming. Came all the way down. Duke finally put the game away with like, a fucking minute left with a couple of foul shots. And I just sat there in the last few seconds when I knew that Duke was gonna win. And I just looked in, looked around, looked at everything I could look at, try to make as enough mental pictures as I could to take it in. Because I knew I was just like, I don't know if I'll ever get back to seeing one of these again, but I don't know. If that didn't sell you, I'd fucking. You gotta do it. That is. Dude, fuck Madison Square Garden. It's a Mecca. Fuck that place. You can go down there and see the fucking Ice Capades. Save your money. Go on StubHub, all right? Go on StubHub and just get yourself some tickets and go there. You will not be disappointed. And you got to go while Coach K is still there, who, by the way, I believe tomorrow the 13th is his 70th birthday. How great does that guy look? Fucking guy looks like he's, like, maybe a year younger, two years older than me. I don't know. Who would have thought with a job that stressful, you could still look that good, you know? Anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising, all right? And with that, you know, this thing is just really not responding the way it used to. Is it time for a new laptop? All right. Do I have anything else? Hey, what is all this attacking on fake news lately? I don't understand it. Why is the government getting so mad at fake news? It's so fucking hilarious watching them getting upset about that. Hey, don't read their fake news. Read our fake news. Read our version of the fucking. It's all fake fucking news. Have you ever gotten into a car accident, little fender bender, and the cop shows up? Are you a police officer? Have you ever heard two people tell you the exact same story? This guy came out of nowhere, then you go over the other guy. What happened? I came out of nowhere. I wasn't even looking. Never happens. It's all fake news. It's. It's all opinions, right? For the most part, other than, you know, if somebody dies, this guy is dead, okay? You can agree on that. How he died, why he died, who's. Who's responsible. Oh, Jesus Christ, Bill. We get it, okay? That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm really saying. Here. All right, let's get to. Let's get to the content here. Read some. Some of your letters here. All right? Yoko Ono makes Julian Lennon buy letters he wrote to his dad at auction. All right, Bill, is there a worse woman in history? I hate to be hacky. I know the Beatles days were numbered and wasn't just her, but it didn't help. Yeah, but at the end of the day, John chose her. This is what happened. Something happened between John and his mom. She died or she fucking. I don't know, she beat him with a wooden spoon. I forget how the fucking story went, all right? But whatever she did, or if she died, it's not her fault. It left him with the psychological makeup to be susceptible to not trying to just find a mate. He also wanted a moment. And all she had to do was make some cookies, right? Make him some cookies on his fucking birthday, whatever the fuck he wanted. And then that was it. This guy was done. You know, I think he would, you know, if he lived they. Somewhere in his mid-40s, he just would have been like, all right, you know what? What the fuck was that? Maybe he would have got out. Maybe he liked it. I have no idea. But anyways, let's continue. He said, then there's the video where you call her out for screeching like a maniac during a powerful moment in history. Now she won't give her husband's son some paper he gave his dad 20 years earlier. This story might be a bit old, but it doesn't seem to make. But it doesn't make it any less true. I watched the clip. What it is, was she auctioned off a bunch of his shit is what it is. She's not making him pay for it. She sold it. And Julian wants to get it back, but because Yoko sold it, he has to buy it back. Now I. In defense of her, what I would say is the cash cow died. It's not like Yoko could go out and fucking sell take records like a beetle. So all of a sudden she's going like, holy fuck, how am I still gonna be able to live in the Dakota? So she starts selling all his shit. Or maybe her husband died, she wanted to fucking move on and didn't want to look at all his old shit. You know what I mean? I have no idea. But yeah, I watched a little of that video. Julian definitely goes hard on her and says that he thinks she's extremely manipulative and that she knew what the fuck she was doing from day one. And I can't Remember, if that's actually his mother, I don't know. How is he related? Who the fuck knows? I don't know. Is there a worse woman in history? Yeah, there's way worse women. There's women that ran empires and had people killed, you know, for whatever fucking reason. You know, the story of Scarface, the second one, the one that Pacino did, was based on a. You know, there was the original movie, but the stories that they used in the second one were based on a drug dealer of that time who actually was a woman. So, I mean, yeah, I would say she was worse. You know, having people shot in the fucking street is probably worse than selling some postcards. But, you know, it's all up to interpretation, you know, this is the new me, the new meditating Bill, the more relaxed Bill, who's undoing the fucking knots of anxiety in his mind. I cannot say enough about fucking meditating now that I'm not trying to, like, get good at it. I'm just trying to do it. I don't flip out to the level. I used to, like. I think, you know, say, like, 10 is the worst flipping out. I think I used to walk around, just walk around. On a good day, I was already at a six compared to how most people are when they're just, like, totally chilling out. So it was a very quick and easy trip up to 10. Now I feel like I walk around at, like, a three. I feel like I've cut it in half. So now when I flip out, I kind of just go to six, which is still totally unacceptable for most social situations. I still flip out. And people look over their shoulders, startled, but not with the level of. Of what the. You know what I mean? Reminds me. This time I saw. I was on, like, Highway 8 or something, Interstate 8. I think I was in Arizona or New Mexico. I don't know where the. I was at. And this bull had somehow gotten free. I mean, I was in the middle of nowhere. I was. And there was two cowboys right on horses. And these are cowboys. They're trying to fucking rope a goddamn bull, which I don't even know if you can do. I don't know what the fuck they were doing. So one of them is trying to distract the bull is. The other one is on a horse that is sneaking up behind it. And the horse is sneaking up the way horses sneak up in a fucking cartoon. And this bull, at the last second, figured it out and he fucking turned around. You know that look Bruce Willis always does when he looks over his shoulder in Die Hard. It's the same thing, except it was a fucking bull. That's the look that people. When I would lose my shit prior to meditating, I would get that look. Everyone would fucking turn around like, you know, a skyscraper was on fire and it was just some fucking balding redhead flipping out because he couldn't figure out the new operating system on his. On his smartphone. Completely unacceptable. So my temper has really reduced. And I'm telling you, if I can just not do. I just made this statement out loud. It's like I'm. My daughter's not going to see me flipping out. You know, I'm not saying I want everyone. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. When she's drawn on the wall at some point, but she's not going to see me yelling at computers. It's just not going to happen.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

And I say it out loud. When I say it out loud, that means it happens, right? I hope so. Anyways. I'm trying, you guys, I'm trying. Anytime I talk about this too, on my stand up act, I'm going to try to fix my temper. People just start laughing. They laugh and they point. They make me feel bad. All right. Italy and the European Union. Hey there, Capitol Hill bill. I'm just a Bill. Yes. I'm only a Bill. And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill and okay, I'm a political science professor from a school I won't name to keep with your policy of not naming names. Having studied and taught the subject, it's fair to say I look at what goes on today from a much wider scope. Wider scope than who? Me? I would hope so. I would hope so. Wider than me. All right? And that's not something that is only exclusive to receiving a master's in political science. Could you pat yourself on the back anymore, sir? Did your elbow patch fly off your fucking left arm of your sport coat when you reached back to. That is all. I love this guy. And that's not only something that is only exclusive to receiving a master's in political science. This guy should be wearing a scarf with a nice breeze going. Anyone can read souls and eatson. Thank you for sound spelling that for me and others who have honestly captured an important perspective of history and have a much clearer understanding of how and why governments and socialites have evolved through history. Anyways, there is one thing that has flown under the radar. Now that I've gotten my resume out of the way, there's one thing that has flown under the radar and I think it should scare the Shit. Out of most European countries. All right, let me start by saying, in short, that the European Union, parentheses. Which, in my opinion, is run by fascists with self interest. Can I just stop here and say this is the most well written fucking email I've ever received on the podcast. This is incredible. Let me start by saying, in short, that the European Union, which in my opinion is run by fascists with self interest, tried to take control of Italy's army. For the sake of your time, I will spoil the ending. Italy did not vote to allow the EU to take over. That move by the EU alarmed some of my peers, who I, in 20 plus years of knowing them, have not seen them alarmed by anything in terms of government. In the scheme of things, a banking institution openly financing legislation that is trying to gain control of a foreign country's foreign government's military is, for the lack of a better term, really, really ballsy. Why do I feel like I missed some information here? Okay, so the European Union tried to take over Italy's army. Okay, I see that Italy did not vote to allow the EU to take over. So when you joined the European Union, they took over your army? Is that what you're saying? Okay, so that move by the EU alarmed some of my peers. What move? Oh, trying to take over the. Okay, you're jumping back and forth here. I can't tell what you're talking about. Okay, to take control of Italy's army. So them trying to take control of their army. Yeah. How would you do that? Okay, the idea that. Let me just finish this. The idea that certain globalist groups are trying to take control of the world is not an incredible idea among people who are versed in political economics or conspiracy theorists like myself. But you know something? Me, they just go, oh, what do you got your fucking tin hat on? And you. If you just started saying what the fuck you just said, you'd probably run into the same problem. Like, you just. I just said it was the best written email ever and I got lost in it because I'm too fucking stupid, understand what you're talking about. So it's got to be hard, man. You just got to hang out with people with the fucking elbow patches on their sport coats, right? Anyways, the idea that certain globalist groups are trying to take control of the world is not an incredible idea among people who are versed in political economics. I have heard you talk about stuff like this in the context of a conspiracy. And so other than this possibly being interesting to you, it's also affirmed that you are not out of your mind. I attached an article if you'd like to read further. I absolutely would. Look at this. How about that, everybody? All you cunts saying I got a tin hat on. Tin foil hat on. Whatever the fuck that means. Half of you say that. You don't even know what it means. You got your tin foil hat on. You know, I don't even know what the fuck it means. Is that like my antenna if I'm doing some sort of pirate radio? Tin foil hat meaning. I know what it means. It means you're out of your fucking mind. But how did it come about? A tinfoil hat is made from one or more sheets of aluminum foil. I didn't want the exact. Or a piece of conventional headgear lined with foil worn in the belief or hope that it shields the brain from threats such as electromagnetic fields, mind control, and mind re. Oh, I see. I see. Well, you know, that's some MacGyver shit. I can go with that, right? Is that a bad thing? Anyways, well, where the fuck was I? I've attached. I would actually listen. How long is this, though? Is this something I can read? You know, I'll read about this and I'll give you my uninformed opinion, my moronic opinion on the next podcast. How about that? Does that work for you? Does that grab you? All right. Fat guys turns out to not be fat. Billy Twinkle Bows. This guy told. Was told by a doctor his whole life that he was fat. He had this huge frontal thing on going on that turned out to not be a giant belly, but 130 pound tumor. How many people do you know will start using the tumor defense? I actually looked this fucking thing up. The guy is fat. He's very fat. Even after the fucking tumor. I mean, like, he's laying in bed and he has. It's like he has an inner tube of fat going around. That's what his neck is. This guy's so fucking fat. He had 130 pound tumor and he just thought it was part of his love handle. He is fat. I'm glad they got it out of there. Jeez, how do you. How do you get that out of there? £130. How the fuck do you. I mean, you got to take it out in sections, ten pounds at a time. You need to make 13 fucking incisions. Jesus Christ. And just throwing it over your shoulder, hitting the ground like a fucking bowling ball. Jesus Christ. Do you know, I knew a guy that, you know, everybody's talking about probiotics and they talk about the bacteria in your gut that will. You know, there's bacteria in your gut that's supposed to be there. They try to scare you shit out of you, but it's supposed to be there. It's there for when you die. And it begins the decomposing process, provided you're not full of fucking preservatives and you just decompose because you're not important and you just become part of the earth again. But we stick ourselves in these fancy fucking boxes because we think we're too good to be worm food for whatever fucking reason. But anyways, alcohol eats away at the good shit, the good bacteria that you need while you're alive. Like, you're supposed to be balanced and you're supposed to have more of the good bacteria, because if you have more of the bad bacteria, you can actually, in your own fucking way, you're beginning to decompose while you're still alive. Or in a short way, you're starting to die. This is the way this guy explained it to me. So he started getting a distended belly. They didn't know what the fuck was going on. And he wouldn't go to the doctor. And then finally he found out. You know, somebody said maybe he got a tapeworm, and that freaked him the fuck out. There could have been something alive in him. And he went to the doctor, and then they found out that that's what it was, and they gave him some medicine and, you know, and he had to shit it all out. That's basically what happened. So, I don't know. Even then, I always buy the Greek yogurt and it goes bad. I always think, like, you know, I'll slam a couple of scotches, and the next morning I'll have two spoonfuls of fucking Greek yogurt, yogurt, and I'll be fine. I was happy in the life insurance. They said I had a nice fucking easy, you know, heart rhythm. I was also meditating when they did it. You know, I was being totally present. I was listening to the sounds of the room. I slowed my breathing. I tricked those fuckers. But I also had the Bruins game on in the background. So I was trying not to react to what the fuck was going on because we got this fucking cunty goal at the end of the second period with, like, one second left. All right. Crazy Saddam story. Crazy. All right. Hey, Bill. Thought I'd brighten your day with this crazy account of what went down in Iraq when Saddam took power. Basically, they gathered all government officials in one room the current military leader gets brought out on stage. He's clearly been beaten. He admits to having committed treason, but clearly he hasn't. They then start calling out officials one at a time. So everyone was scared shitless that they'd be called out and marched out into a courtyard with the others. Then after half of them were gone, the remaining officials were all taken out to the courtyard and told that if they didn't shoot the traitors, they and their families would be killed. That way they all had blood on their hands. Insane. Here's the whole account. And to think the US still did business with Saddam, with them after that. Ha ha ha. Dude, as far as I know, we kind of put that guy in over there, you know, and we were cool with the guy until he fucking tried to go around us and start selling oil to other. I don't know what the he did. We, you know, you know what I mean? Saddam Hussein to the United States. He was like one of those fucking first round draft choices. That, that's a bust. He was a bust for us. You know, he had a very promising college career. And, you know, he just, he just didn't have the passion. Actually. He was a very passionate guy. He just wasn't passionate in the wrong. I, I don't know. Who the fuck knows? I mean, it's all evil shit. That shit is just like the most base level evil because they're not even trying to hide it. But I gotta tell you, when Trump was talking to that fucking guy there on from Fox News, Bill o'reilly, and Bill o'reilly's giving him shit that he was friends with Putin, Putin or whatever the fuck his name is. And he goes, the guy's a, he's a killer. To have a fucking standing president go, well, look at this country. Look what, look what we've done. My jaw hit the fucking ground. Like, is he actually gonna say this? You can't say this. Everybody knows it's true, but you can't fucking say this. No, we only kill the bad people the fuck out of here. It's all fucking evil. And that goes back to that fake news. That's why they need to take control of the fake news, so they can spin it. You know what I mean? The guy, he came out of fucking nowhere, this Saddam Hussein. We had a green light. He came out of fucking nowhere. Everybody does it. Everybody does it. You know what? And I fucking do it too. We're all spinning it. We're all spinning our own horseshit. We all think we're fine. I'm not gonna speak for you guys, but I'm spinning my own bullshit, right? This is my favorite video anybody sent me in a long fucking time. Oh, by the way, if you want to watch that Saddam thing, I'll post all these videos. I don't know if I want to watch it, that stuff. I don't know. I don't like watching shit like that. All right, 109-year-old guy smokes cigars and drinks whiskey. Dear Farm State Bill, I know you have a life insurance policy test, but I thought you might want to see this. This 109 year old guy smokes cigars all day. Not saying it's great for everyone, but figured you'd want to hear the title. Actually marginalized this guy's life. He's got a great attitude. He still drives. He's the oldest living World War II veteran. You'd really enjoy this. He talks about having a truck for a long time. And they show his old school TV with the giant dials. He keeps it all because it works and he likes it. Come to Boston. I fucking love this guy. He said at one point, he smokes 12 cigars a day. He goes, I don't inhale. So you inhale, he goes, you get in trouble. The bottom line is, you know, whatever his genetics are, this works for him. Because I know If I smoke 12 a day, first of all, I couldn't physically fucking do it. But he had like a 79, looked like a 78 or 79 Ford pickup truck. He had an old square TV that still had the legs on it from like the 70s. He built his house in like 1940. He still lives there. He said, I like the shit that I have. It still works. So I'm not buying more shit. It's like what I'm trying to do now, get rid of all this extra shit that I bought. And I gotta tell you, watching this guy, watching his life is the life that I'm slowly moving towards. It's the life that I want. After running around like a fucking lunatic, reacting to everything for the first fucking, you know, 40 something years of my life, you know, I would like to slow down a little bit as far as being of. I mean, look, I'm still. I know all you guys are worried, like, oh, God, he's gonna slow down. He's not gonna be fucking fine. I'm still gonna completely fuck up. Still gonna do dumb shit. I'm gonna be fine. But I don't have to be walking or. I basically walked around stuck in fight or flight mode. Probably from the age of 8 till now. And I don't know, it's a stupid. It's not. It's funny to observe, but it really wears on the people around you, and eventually it fucking wears you down. And it's just like the amount of fucking time that I have wasted arguing with people where they're not gonna change their mind. I'm not gonna change my mind. I've just. I. I've. I'm done. I'm past that point in my fucking life, and it feels fucking great. I just have to believe that I am. I'm trying to do now when I flip up, because I know there's other angry cunts that listen to this. And you listen to this because I'm an angry cunt, too. And it probably makes you feel better about yourself, which is why I love Bobby Knight. You watch Bobby Knight and you're like, oh, my God, I'm a fucking saint. This guy. Now, this guy's got a temper. I'm telling you right now, if your wife ever gives a shit for having a temper, it's like, you think I got a temperature? Just cut the. You could be married to that. And I love Bobby Knight, by the way. So anyways, I just now, like. I don't know, I try to. In the moment, I just try to fucking. Like, this is funny thing that happens, like when my daughter, you know, needs a diaper changed. It's like, you know, you hear him farting and everything, so you're thinking, like, okay, that's definitely, you know. And without getting into the gross details, just think you hear the fart and you think that's the gun sounding the end of the game. And then once you get into it, you realize that wasn't the gun sounding the end of the game or even the end of the half. That was the sound of the fucking jets flying over the game, over the stadium, right after the fucking national anthem. And the game's about ready to begin. I had a left pad save yesterday. Blocker, cheese, block. Saved my wall. Took it all on my shirt and all that. It's just like. It's fucking unbelievable. And whenever that happens, like, a couple times, I went like, nia, why did you tell me to come in? She's still going. Like, she could tell. Like there's any way for my wife to know whether my daughter is done going to the bathroom or not. She's got no fucking idea. And I apologized and I just addressed that. I was angry, and I did it two more fucking times. And now. Now I Got it down. Now I just say something as I walk up to the changing table at three or four in the morning, and I just basically say, if she's not done and you know, this is not anybody's fault. This is just part of having a kid. Don't flip out. And I'll see how that works for me tonight. That's just basic.

[A]

I just.

[B]

Before, I just kept it all in my head and then it becomes like, it isn't. Let's. It's sort of. It's sort of real, but isn't. I just find when I say it out loud, then I can fucking address it. And so we'll see that. But I gotta tell you, I actually fucking really enjoy changing diapers and everything. We gave my daughter her first bath ever, right in the kitchen sink, old school style. Sure, we were supposed to have like a fucking hazmat suit team come in and disinfect the sink and she's supposed to wear a helmet and some scuba gear. But that's not how we're bringing her up. We're going old school. I've been playing music for her and everything. Got this exercise ball. It really just kind of puts her to sleep and I just play music and she just totally chills out. The stuff that she's enjoyed so far, she likes Herbie Hancock. I was playing some Billy Cobham. Some of this shit I'd just been listening to. What else has she been listening to? Some of the pop stuff she really likes. I think they just like music in general. They're just kind of like, what the. What is that? And I don't know, it's getting to that point she's just starting to be able to look around and you kind of sit there going like, I think she's actually looking at me right now. Then right as you make eye contact, like, hey, are you fucking looking at me? Her eyes just kind of drift away and look at something else. I'm like, all right. I guess I'm still like an acid trip when she looks at me. But anyways, we're having a great time. And even though I'm not getting any sleep, it's totally fucking worth it. And it's. It's. I'll tell you, if you're. If you're an older dad, it's not as fucking hard. They try to say, oh, my God, you're old and gonna try to do this. It's like, yeah, I'm old and I have a house, you know, I'm not some fucking struggling 20 something. You know what I mean? Fucking broke kid trying to pay off student loans, and then you have a kid. People in their 20s, if they complain about having a kid. Yeah, without a doubt I'll listen to that. But if you're in your 30s and 40s. Yeah, go. Go fuck yourself. All right, that's it. Okay. That's the podcast for. For Monday. Once again, please check out Nick DePaulo's special on CISO this Thursday at 8pm I'm telling you, he's one of the best of his generation and one of the best of the last fucking whatever, whenever the fuck he started 30 years ago. One of my favorites. And it's. It's an honor to be able to plug his special. All right, so check it out, you cunts. I'll check in on you Thursday. I will go and it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right where I belong I'm right where I belong People run around they worry me and.

[C]

Never ask me why don't get past my door.