Being Late, Line Cutting, Karate Cowboys | Monday Morning Podcast 5-18-26

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary: "Being Late, Line Cutting, Karate Cowboys"

Air Date: May 18, 2026
Host: Bill Burr
Episode Theme: Reflecting on lateness, social etiquette, life in the modern world, relationship advice, sports rants, and a dash of conspiratorial humor

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Episode Overview

Bill Burr returns with his signature blend of observational humor, rants, and life reflections. This episode, recorded with a notably hoarse voice after a grueling run of shows and family obligations, touches on personal anecdotes about being chronically late, navigating life’s frustrations, sports heartbreak, the awkwardness of social generations, and philosophical observations about society’s systems and public figures. Throughout, Burr seamlessly transitions from lighthearted jokes to deeper commentary, all while peppering in his trademark sarcasm and expletive-laden insights.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Life on Low Energy & Musical Generations

• Bill opens with a recap of his recent hectic schedule—shows in Atlanta, Florida, and LA, culminating in a "kid Coachella" event at his child’s school, leaving him “with no voice.”
• He reminisces about how each generation renames musical genres (“yacht rock” used to be “soft rock” or “easy listening”) and expresses mild generational irritation:
  • Quote: “I don’t like when somebody from another fucking generation starts redefining what the hell I was doing. Just stay in your own fucking generation.” ([03:41])

2. American Propaganda, Generations, & Political Cynicism

• Riffing on societal attitudes toward foreign countries, slavery, and American exceptionalism, Bill criticizes the era of “they don’t like our freedom” propaganda, biting into hypocrisy and privilege.
• He launches a sharp rant about a notorious political figure (heavily alluding to Donald Trump) dodging taxes and suing the IRS:
  • Quote: “There’s no way they played back to back and this game's already happening. You guys are already laughing at me.” ([12:04])
  • “The guy lives in litigation. That’s a home game for him, and he wins every time.” ([10:22])

3. Sports: Buffalo Sabres & American Leadership

• Recaps the Buffalo Sabres thrilling playoff run, poking fun at the perennial heartbreak faced by Buffalo sports fans.
• Draws parallels between the Sabres’ string of near-misses and the revolving door of disappointing US presidents:
  • Quote: “When it comes to picking leaders, we’re like the Bears trying to get a quarterback.” ([13:42])

4. Personal Anecdotes: Lateness & Social Pet Peeves

• Self-reflects on being constantly late to trends and life milestones: starting comedy late, getting married and becoming a dad late, etc.
  • Quote: “I did everything fucking late. Stayed back in first grade, fucking, you know, graduated late... Day late and a dollar short.” ([17:18])
• Shares a story about confronting a line-cutter at a breakfast spot—“Brian with a capital B”—and reframes his anger with empathy, imagining the guy’s deep-seated insecurities instead of escalating the situation:
  • Quote: “And then I just started picturing him banging his wife... ‘Say it with a capital B!’” ([21:36])

5. ADHD, Technology, and Modern Life Annoyances

• Discusses the chaos of losing his glasses and new in-ear monitors (for drumming), attributing it to his ADHD and modern distractions.
• Criticizes technological advances for making people worse drivers, especially singling out the Tesla truck:
  • Quote: “All of these cars, man, with all this technology, is just making people worse and worse drivers.” ([28:20])

6. Karate Cowboys, 1970s Culture, and Performative Wokeness

• Reminisces about 1970s fashion, noting that if you saw a white dude in a cowboy hat and moccasins, “that meant he was taking karate... And he definitely had a knife.” ([23:23])
• Comments on performative activism—people who talk about whales or Native Americans, “not to help them, but to talk about it and pretend you’re actually doing something.” ([24:36])

7. Advice Segment & Listener Questions

• Responds to a listener defending Neil deGrasse Tyson, pokes fun at Tyson’s public educator status, and ruminates on the “lizard people” monetizing scientific discoveries.
  • Quote: “For everything they figure out, the lizard people somehow take it, monetize it, and use it as a way to kill people...” ([41:40])
• Tackles the debate about juvenile justice, specifically a kid on Reddit who drove over some geese—ultimately inclines towards rehabilitation over harsh punishment:
  • Quote: “Jail’s just going to make him a worse person. I don’t know about that one, man.” ([46:49])

8. Mental Health, Anxiety, and Self-Care

• Reflects on routines to manage anxiety: reading books to reduce phone time, breathing exercises, therapy, and being present with family.
  • Quote: “I got away from my phone and started reading, which slows your mind down... It really helped me.” ([50:57])

9. Celebrating Musicianship & Human Connection

• Shares the joy of jamming with an all-star band at a benefit and the camaraderie among musicians:
  • Quote: “I really think what musicians do is the closest thing to magic... To be able to be the make-a-wish kid in the band last night was incredible.” ([57:13])
• Fittingly ends with praise for his wife and her culinary skills—“She made the greatest charcuterie board I ever had in my life”—emphasizing appreciation and being kind to others. ([55:04])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Lateness: “I was always late to the party. Like, ah, five years ago, you should have been here. I did everything fucking late.” ([16:14])
• On Empathizing with Jerks: “All my upsetment with him just went away. I realized: oh, he’s insecure. Started picturing him going, ‘Say it with a capital B!’” ([21:01])
• On American Leadership: “When it comes to picking leaders of this country, we’re like the Bears trying to get a quarterback.” ([13:42])
• On Modern Life: “All this technology is just making people worse and worse drivers.” ([28:20])
• On Science & Society: “The history of science is tragic! For everything they figure out, the lizard people monetize it. Scientists, stop figuring shit out!” ([41:40])
• On Anxiety & Self-Help: “I got away from my phone and started reading, which slows your mind down... It really helped me.” ([50:57])
• On Family Joy: “She made the greatest charcuterie board I’ve ever had in my life. Literally fucking putting it in my mouth like a Greek god!” ([55:04])
• On Being Nice: "Go fuck yourselves. But be nice to each other. Help each other out. God knows these fucking cunts above you aren't gonna do it." ([55:40])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:41: Bill’s reflection on music genres and generational naming
• 05:19 – 10:22: Rant about politics, taxes, and “the guy who always wins”
• 11:05: Buffalo Sabres’ playoff run and sports/Sabres heartbreak
• 13:42: Comparing US presidents to the Chicago Bears’ QB problems
• 16:12 – 17:29: Anecdotes about being late in life and career
• 19:34 – 22:12: The “Brian with a capital B” line-cutter story; empathy and ego
• 23:23 – 24:39: 1970s karate cowboys and performative activism
• 39:41 – 41:40: Listener defends Neil deGrasse Tyson, Bill riffs on science exploitation
• 46:19 – 47:49: Juvenile justice and the case of the goose-murdering kid
• 50:57: Strategies for managing anxiety: reading, breathing, slowing down
• 55:04: Appreciation for his wife’s charcuterie skills and relationship advice
• 57:13: Reflections on musicianship and gratitude to fellow benefit performers

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Closing Notes

Bill Burr maintains his blend of hard truths, dark humor, and moments of genuine vulnerability throughout the episode. Whether railing against societal idiocy, recounting the absurdities of daily life, or celebrating tiny victories and personal growth, he remains both relatable and sharply incisive. The episode, underpinned by his gravelly-voiced delivery and frequent digressions, is quintessential Burr—a mix of rants, laughs, and reminders to appreciate simple joys, be kind, and, of course, “go fuck yourself.”

Transcript

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[Bill Burr]

All right, everybody. This is kind of exciting. Billy. Old school Billy Analog. I partnered with Vinyl Moon to create a special edition album of my best Monday morning podcast ad reads over the years, available alongside their amazing vinyl mixtape club. Here is the album here. I think, you know, they did the whole old timey style here. Some of my favorite ones. The zip, the sweaty balls with the John Huston piano remix. Weapons of Mass Destruction, no tear. I remember that one. What the fuck am I reading? Who was that one? That was Sherry's Berries, Nature's box.

[Mike]

Oh my God.

[Bill Burr]

They now. They had no fucking sense of humor. And all that time I made my lovely wife laughing, talking about that guy

falling off the scooter.

It's really cool. The artwork is incredible. Check out the color of the record. Are they all like this? Is this limited? They're all this color, man. They're not messing around over here. Anyway, so now you don't have to go on YouTube and click through a whole bunch of them and get them all in one. Put them on, take your gummy, eat your mushrooms, whatever you want to do. This beautiful custom album comes with a handful of my favorite ad reads over the years. Pressed on a custom color with the unique MMP art, Vinyl Moon partnered with me to press this limited edition run of these albums, which are available only when you sign up for Vinyl Moon subscription membership for a new Vinyl Moon subscription membership.

Did it.

[Mike]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

Vinyl Moon is an independent vinyl club for music lovers and adventurous spirits. What are we talking about, swingers?

[Mike]

What are we doing here?

[Bill Burr]

Vinyl Moon has been creating and sending mixtapes of new music and original artwork pressed on vinyl to members around the world every month for over 10 years.

[Mike]

They got experience.

[Bill Burr]

Each of their vinyl mixtapes comes in a super deluxe packaging and they collaborate with different visual artists. Look at these things. They open up. I mean, this is the kind of stuff back in the day, you know,

[Mike]

you take your drugs out, you take

[Bill Burr]

the stems out, you do all of that.

Let me get. Look at this one.

Psychedelic man. And they got all of these. They're also. If I can take one of these records out of here, they're all different

[Mike]

kinds of colors, you know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

Look at.

Look at that one.

Get the, look at that.

They didn't make shit like that when I was a kid.

All right, sorry, I got carried away there.

Anyway, they collaborate with different visual artists to create really original jackets, special features

and more, as you saw.

And just like my album, their mixtapes are pressed on a beautiful color vinyl. For a limited time Monday morning podcast listeners can get this limited edition record of my favorite ad reads for free when they join Vinyl moon with a three month or longer membership. Head to vinylmoon.com spurr for more information about club details and to get your free limited edition record from yours truly. V I N Y L m o o n.com.co sorry, slash burr. V I N Y L M O O N CO Slash Burr. All right, that's it.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 18 to 20002000 2026.

[Mike]

6 6.

[Bill Burr]

I got no voice.

[Mike]

I got nothing, man.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I did three shows in Atlanta, one in Florida, had a night off, but then I had like a fucking 6am pickup, flew back from Florida, landed, went straight to my kids school from this talent contest thing that was kind of like Kid Coachella. Like, it was like there was a whole bunch of bands and it just, you know, standing outside talking over the music like an idiot. Right? And, and then last night I did a benefit for a buddy of mine and had to do my act again. So this is what I sound like. So it's gonna be chill. I'm not gonna say it's gonna be easy listening, you know, which is what they used to call yacht rock. Before those people called it yacht rock. It was never yacht rock. It was soft rock. It was easy listening. It was singer, songwriter, that's what it was called. Had nothing to do with boats. I still don't quite know how that happened, but it kind of annoys me, you know what I mean? I don't like when somebody from another fucking generation starts telling me, starts redefining what the hell I was doing, you know, Just stay in your own fucking generation. You can't. This has nothing to do with that person either. It just has to do with the fact I'm annoyed that my voice is like this right now.

[Mike]

Or at least if you're gonna do it, fucking compliment them the way Tom

[Bill Burr]

Brokaw blew the Greatest Generation.

[Mike]

I mean, what were they called before that?

[Bill Burr]

The Farmers or whatever the hell they were.

[Mike]

What were they called? Why do they name generations? I'll tell you why. Because we're all slaves, man. I did a joke last night, and in the middle of doing the joke, after all the up, I said, this person, I brought up Brazil. Somebody yelled out this. They have slaves in Brazil. I'm just like, all right, what am I supposed to do? Do I have to vet every country? Like, what is. What are safe countries to bring up

[Bill Burr]

where somebody can be like, well, just

[Mike]

to let you know, you know, they're the reason that fucking there's no real sugar and coke anymore.

[Bill Burr]

Whatever the fuck they're gonna say, right? What? I feel like Iceland and New Zealand, as far as the white world goes,

[Mike]

and whatever race you are, why don't you chime in? Like, what's the best represent. What's the best your people are doing? I feel, like, Caucasian.

[Bill Burr]

You know, Obviously, the bar is set really low.

[Mike]

I love when, like, white people talk

[Bill Burr]

about black people stealing, and they don't have the.

[Mike]

They don't have, like, the irony, you know? They don't see any irony in that. It's just like, if you want to talk about thievery, I think we got it down. How many genocides have they committed? I mean, like, what. What the are you doing? You know, what you're doing is you're. You're reading. You're listening to the propaganda. All those times when I was growing up and we would attack another country or another country would do something to us, we used to always say, they don't like us. They don't like our freedom. They don't like our freedom. They don't like our movies and our jeans. Is that what they're doing? Is that why we're in Iran right now? We don't like the way they dress. Did they have a miniseries on Netflix that we weren't a fan of anyway? Ah, the fucking worst ginger of them all. Did you see this shit? This is fucking amazing. The guy doesn't pay his fucking taxes, and somebody at the fucking down at. Down at headquarters published that he doesn't pay his taxes, and then he sues for defamation of character. Dude, that guy always wins. It's unbelievable. There's like, nobody does vengeance. Like, this guy. This guy is like. I don't know who to compare him to. He's like the. It's like an undefeated record. Like, if you. With that guy, that guy is gonna come back, take whatever the. You said he shouldn't have. He's gonna take it, like, right in front of your face. I mean, even if you don't like the guy, you gotta be amazed at that. He Went to a fucking roast, and they made fun of him, including Obama. And then, like, fucking two years later, Obama's like, all right, enjoy your house. Handed him over the fucking keys. This piece of shit doesn't fucking pay his taxes. Or I should say this typical fucking, you know, businessman at that level doesn't pay his fucking taxes. He gets busted for it. And I guess it's supposed to. It's not like being a sex offender. You're not supposed to put it on telephone poles. So somebody down the fucking headquarters did it at the irs. So now he's suing him for defamation of character. There's no like, hey, buddy. There's no, like, welcome. You didn't pay your taxes, you piece of shit. I thought you're trying to make it great again. How's it going to be great again if guys like you don't pay your fair share? There's none of that. It's like, how dare you let everybody know that I'm a piece of shit? And then he's also infiltrated the irs. He put his own people in there. He's suing him for $10 billion. They've never paid out more than 100 million. They're settling for, like, one and a half billion. By the way, that's our money to pave the roads and for public schools. He's gonna take it because they had the audacity to publish the fact that he doesn't fucking pay any taxes or he doesn't pay his fair share. So now that he's getting shit about it, he goes, I'm gonna give the money to the people on January 6th. And that's all he has to do. Now, who's gonna follow up to see if he actually does it? I don't think anybody is, because they're gonna be afraid he's going to sue them for 20 billion for snooping anyway. You got to give it up to the guy. The guy lives in litigation. That's. That's a home game for him. And he wins every time. He goes into every thing. He fires everybody, puts his own people in there, and then just does whatever the hell he wants to do.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Mike]

And people still love him. It's amazing. I mean, the guy basically said the last time, oh, you know, they. You know, they stole this election from me, which caused January 6th. And then this time around, he wins. And a couple times he slips up and says, the Tesla guy put his thumb on the scale, and the same fucking people who attacked the cap. I got no problem with it. I guess it really is like sports. Speaking of sports, speaking of sports, how about those Buffalo Sabres facing elimination going

[Bill Burr]

into the Molson center in Montreal, Canada,

[Mike]

with the most passionate fans. And I mean, they're loud as I hate to say it, but they are. But I will tell you this. Buffalo survived at their goalie. Three stage straight shots, three straight goals. They pull them, the other guy shuts him down. Buffalo comes back to tie it, it's three to three and they score five more goals.

[Bill Burr]

And I gotta tell you this, it was 8 to 3 in the Molson center was empty. At least the lower bowl was. And I'm not gonna on Canadiens fans because every fan base does that in a game like that. They just walk out. And then you want your team not to quit, even though you did. Even though you did. You know, like, I'm not going to watch this loss and sit in traffic and you choose yourself and you leave. So shout out to the the Canadian fans that actually stayed. So we got a game seven people, you know, and when you have no life and you got nothing going on and maybe life is kicking in the fucking seeds, you know, you gotta love a game seven to pull you out of the mud. So I'm excited. I'm assuming that's tonight. Game seven. Jesus Christ. There's no way they played back to back and this game's already happening. You guys are already laughing at me. So here's the thing. They're the Buffalo. A team from Buffalo called the Sabres. Are they not only gonna win games six and seven, they're gonna go home for game seven? Is it in Buffalo? Bill, do you think you could have

[Mike]

done some fucking research before this? That's not what this podcast is about.

[Bill Burr]

They fucking. Historically, Buffalo teams have grabbed their fan

[Mike]

bases hearts, ripped it out of their chest, showed it to them and thrown it down the street. So now here we go again. A game seven.

[Bill Burr]

Wait a minute, what am I talking about?

[Mike]

Mayday, mayday, Mayday. Brian May

[Bill Burr]

won that game. Was that against us?

[Mike]

That overtime game?

[Bill Burr]

Overtime, dude, the Sabers have it in them. And they also got that. That 99 thing. So it's weird. I have a lot of friends of mine that are Canadian fans and I don't give a about that rivalry anymore. They haven't won in, I don't know, since what, Bill Clinton's first. Since Bill Clinton didn't stick a cigar in that woman's vagina.

[Mike]

Dude, when it comes to picking leaders of this country, we're like the Bears trying to get a quarterback. Hopefully we'll get like them and we'll finally. We had that horn dog in office for eight years and then we had the fucking summer school kid, George W. Right? And then we had fucking Obama, who was really like probably the best at all as far as like speaking and all of that, actually being able to give a speech. But then he had hope and all of that stuff and it just, it just didn't happen. So it was sort of the typical results. Then we got the reality show guy, then we go to Mr. Magoo, and then we go back to the reality guy. I don't know, this is like, like a fucking.

[Bill Burr]

It's like a rock band that can't

[Mike]

get out of its own way. It's like every time they start getting going, somebody else has to go to rehab. I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

We'll see though.

[Mike]

We'll see.

[Bill Burr]

Who knows?

[Mike]

Who knows? Maybe this billion dollars will make the Grinch grow a heart. But who gives a fuck if he doesn't. That doesn't mean citizens can't do great things. Last night I did a fucking benefit and I want to thank everybody who

[Bill Burr]

came out during this brutal fucking economy. It means a lot to me. We raised money for great cause. And at the end, one of my buddies, amazing musician, he put together like an all star band and we played like four songs, did a quick little rock show. And I gotta tell you, one of the songs we did was Kiss. Rock and Roll all night and party every day I. We did that song. And that's a fucking fun goddamn song to play. I was never like a Kiss guy, but I liked Heaven's on Fire my freshman year of high school. Like, that's the one that I liked, but I kind of missed. They had already taken the makeup off, you know, that's kind of a reoccurring theme. I just, I fucking. I'm always late to the party. Like, ah, dude, five years ago, you should have been here five years ago. That's when this, you know, when I moved out to la, Sunset Boulevard was dead. Everything that was all fucking. I'm talking about the 90s. You missed it, man. During the hair metal scene.

[Mike]

I sometimes wish I started being a

[Bill Burr]

comedian before that and ended up in fucking la.

[Mike]

Just so I could have walked down

[Bill Burr]

the street and just seen that whole fucking. All of that stuff that was going on. All of those goddamn bands going to the fucking Rainbow Room. I started comedy right after the big 80s, you know, and everybody was fucking in rehab and getting their, their wages garnished.

[Mike]

It was a little bit of Fucking

[Bill Burr]

confetti in one party, hat on the floor.

[Mike]

When I walked into Nick's Comedy stop, it was just over.

[Bill Burr]

Every comedian I opened for, every headliner, they all kind of had the same opening joke, like, you know, so I've been sober for one year. So I've been sober for eight months. Everybody was in a program. Everybody who didn't die fucking cleaned up. And then if they wanted to do a gig in like New Hampshire, they had to call the fucking IRS to make sure it was okay. I got married late. I became a dad late. I did everything fucking late. Stayed back in first grade, fucking, you know, graduated late.

[Mike]

Just everything.

[Bill Burr]

Worked my way through college. Didn't get my diploma till I was 25.

[Mike]

I'd just been behind it, day late and a dollar short. Fucking freckles.

[Bill Burr]

So anyways, last night, rented this Gretch kit, 24 inch kick. And they fucking tuned it up, man. It sounded like the snare and the kick. Well, the snare specifically sounded like Bonham snare. And then the. The kick drum was just incredible. It was incredible. So I thought I played pretty good. I always get nervous to play Phils. When I'm playing in front of a crowd, I'm like, ah. I just don't see this coming back out on one. I'm good at starting them. I don't know about ending them, but I can lock in with the band. So anyway, that was a great time. Had a great time down in Florida. I love that state. You got to be a tough son of a bitch to live down there, man.

[Mike]

Forget about the hurricanes.

[Bill Burr]

Every bottle, body of water potentially has an alligator in it. It's like they coexist with mon.

[Mike]

How do you ever let your fucking kid outside?

[Bill Burr]

I worry about coyotes out here in la. And I'm not even in the fucking hills.

[Mike]

Those things, you know, when they come down out of the hills, they.

[Bill Burr]

They don't give a shit.

[Mike]

They fucking. They come all the way down to

[Bill Burr]

the flat ground here and all of

[Mike]

a sudden you just hear it. You hear. Sometimes you hear all that fucking shit. You don't know what's going on.

[Bill Burr]

If they're barking the dog, you know, the dog is barking from the other side of a fence or he's getting fucking eaten. And then it just stops. And then you hear the howling. That's enough for me.

[Mike]

Jesus Christ, lady, can you put some fucking pants on?

[Bill Burr]

What are you wearing a bathing suit?

[Mike]

She has on a onesie bathing suit. Butt cheeks hanging out, flip flops. Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

I'm on the side of the goddamn road here. Cause I don't have time. I'm doing this shit. Cause I did a show last night. I usually do the podcast. Oh, my God, can we start something called Douche of the Week?

[Mike]

Didn't I used to have something like that?

[Bill Burr]

A long time ago, I went to this breakfast place, right? I woke up in the morning, right? And my wife had just had one of those nights where she couldn't get to sleep. And, you know, it's a lot if you have kids and stuff. So I said, you want me to take the kids out to breakfast? She goes, yeah, could you do that? I said, yeah. So I take them out to breakfast, and, you know, I'm like, I'm not coming back till, like, 11. I'm gonna give her, like, you know, good three and a half hours here. So I go to this breakfast place, and I've been there before, and the line's supposed to work its way out the door, but the people sort of lined up where the line was going towards the booths. And so there's, like, people eating. There's people standing next to them. So I kind of get the line to go out the door, and the guy behind me doesn't play ball, and he cuts the fucking line. So I'm just looking at this guy, like, really? He cuts the line, and I swear to God, he orders two cappuccinos. Excuse me? He orders two cappuccinos, and they go, okay, can we get a name on that? He goes, yeah, it's Brian with a capital B.

[Mike]

I swear to God. Brian with a capital B. Oh, who's a big boy? Who the fuck says who? Doesn't capitalize it. Brian with a capital B. And then right in that moment, all

[Bill Burr]

of my, like, upsetment with him, it just went away. And I was just, oh, this guy's just. He's one of these really insecure guys. And he just goes into his egos. His ego, his egos, his ego. You know, lines don't apply to me. I'm staying here. I'm just gonna get a fucking coffee. He's doing. Making all of these justifications, Brian with the capital B. I'm doing things. So the anger went away. And then I just started picturing him banging his wife. And she's going like, oh, oh, Brian.

[Mike]

Oh, Brian.

[Bill Burr]

And he's fucking hammering away, going, stay with the capital B. Stay with a capital B.

[Mike]

There you go. And that's how you avoid getting into a fight with somebody. A little empathy. You see that they're insecure.

[Bill Burr]

He probably Had a fucking mom and a dad that didn't build him up. So now he's insecure. So now he's got. He probably read that fucking. The Art of War. Like most boys who weren't loved when

[Mike]

they grow up, at some point they just fucking.

[Bill Burr]

You know, they read that book, the Art of War, and then they think they have to be a cunt.

[Mike]

You know, that's like a red flag

[Bill Burr]

if you even buy the. Actually, I bought the book one time to see what the big deal was, and I was just reading this shit, going like, yeah, you know, or you could, like, try to get along with people. You could go in a different way. Trying to get the upper hand on everybody all the time. Whatever the fuck this book is about. Keep your friends closer, your enemies closer.

[Mike]

That type of shit where your whole

[Bill Burr]

life you're just, like, fucking plotting so you can sell more widgets than the other fuck. So I got to put the windows down. It's getting hot here.

[Mike]

It must, like.

[Bill Burr]

I guess it's gonna be fucking hot today.

[Mike]

Jesus Christ.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, she's got, like, Spanx on underneath it. Oh, hang. Hang on a second.

[Mike]

Oh, a little Bruno Mars for you. Sound the same

[Bill Burr]

now.

[Mike]

What the.

[Bill Burr]

How many buttons do I have to hit?

[Mike]

Look at this. Okay, how do I shut it off?

[Bill Burr]

What do I do? Just hit. Is there.

[Mike]

No shutting it off?

[Bill Burr]

What is. This is clicking this car. Do you know it took me, like, six months to figure out how to shut off the. They were projecting onto the inside of the windshield. You know the thing you look out so you don't run anybody over. Oh, I know that dude. I know that dude. There's this guy in my neighborhood. I swear to God. I swear to God. He wears a cowboy hat like Billy Jack, and he wears the moccasins, too. And I'm just. I've just been waiting for multiple attackers to descend on that guy and watch him. Him all up, you know? See, I'm an old guy, so I remember. You know, a lot of people don't know this, but in my generation, if a white dude had on a cowboy hat, you know, and he was wearing moccasins, that meant he was taking karate. Not karate, karate. And that meant he was gonna. You didn't fuck with that guy. He definitely had a knife. Like, walking around with a knife was a big thing in the 70s, you know?

[Mike]

And then for some reason, people were

[Bill Burr]

into whales and Native Americans. Not in a way to help them, but just more in a way to talk about it and pretend that you're actually doing something about the problem.

[Mike]

It was sort of like,

[Bill Burr]

what do they call that? Not grandstanding. What do they call that on social media when you know there's some sort of social problem and you talk about it, but it's more you're not going to do anything about the problem. It's just more like you're talking about it so people can see what an awesome person you are and say that you're brave. Dude, this guy's got a tank top on this. I guess it's gonna be fucking hot out today. This dude looks miserable. Oh, my God. Fucking miserable. I hope wherever he's walking is gonna put a smile on his face. Dude, he looked like a little kid.

[Mike]

I don't wanna fucking go. Remember that sketch on snl, The Whiners?

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, what else? I'm sitting outside this breakfast spot because I got a. I'll tell you, I got fucking therapy this morning. I don't know if you guys know this about me. I'm a little fucked up.

[Mike]

So every once in a while I

[Bill Burr]

gotta sit down and talk about it. I think today I'm gonna talk about my fucking add. I don't know if there's any cure for it, but I lost my glasses, you know, And I've been reading like a son of a bitch. And it's kind of funny. You don't need glasses. You just need to adjust where you hold the book. I know that sounds stupid, but it works. That's what it really is. You just gotta adjust where you hold the book. That's what I was doing. Oh, there it is. There's my prescription right there beyond my navel, but not quite to my dick. That's where I need to hold the fucking book. So anyway, I couldn't find my. My glasses for like weeks. And I was like, I gotta get some new ones. And I just never got around to doing it. And simultaneously, I got these in ears for like when I play with bands and stuff. Just so I can have the mix in my ear and just see what that's like. Cause I've never done it. I did it when I sat in. I sat in with Primus one time. I can't believe I have these fucking stories. I don't know how this happens, but I did. I sat in. I played that too many puppies and they gave me like in ears, but, like, you know, they're not molded to my ear. So I finally got those. And then I got some just to put in for like when I go to concerts and something or Something, right? So yesterday I find my glasses and I lost my in ears. Like, I literally had them for like, fucking like four hours. I don't know what the fuck I did with them. And my wife Nia, she's going like, you know you got add And I guess, like. I know, I know. I got like a thousand things on my mind. I remember leaving my drum room and I had difficulty putting the top on the. Looks like a mini hockey puck. What he put him in. I don't know. What the fuck are you gonna do? Oh, this guy with his Tesla truck. What is he doing sitting in the middle of the fucking road? Course he is, dude.

[Mike]

In what world is that pulling over? This guy's like five feet from the fucking curb.

[Bill Burr]

I swear to God.

[Mike]

All of these cars, man, with all of this technology, is just making people

[Bill Burr]

worse and worse drivers. All right, this is a controversial opinion. I don't mind the Tesla truck. I don't like the guy. The guy was sieg tiled for some reason and didn't get into trouble for it. I like that truck from behind. It's fucking wild looking. I don't know really what you could put in it. Why they have, like, that window shade. I don't know that I've ever seen anybody put anything in the back of their truck, but you can say that about a lot of trucks. Look at this guy now.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's right.

[Bill Burr]

Give him a look.

[Mike]

Now he's got to ride the bike

[Bill Burr]

on the outside of the thing, and

[Mike]

the person behind him's got to slow down.

[Bill Burr]

Just giving traffic reports at this point.

[Mike]

All right, let's do the. Let's do the advertising here, shall we?

[Bill Burr]

Anyways, that Michael Jackson song Man in the Mirror came on, and I was really hungry, and I just started singing along about my breakfast. You ever do that by yourself and you don't even realize what you're doing?

[Mike]

I was like, I'm gonna get some eggs and fucking coffee too and sit my freckled ass down. Gonna eat real good, you know, just

[Bill Burr]

not even paying attention. Like, you know, this song is actually

[Mike]

about something, you know? Bill, it's not about your breakfast. What are you, fucking Weird Al Yankovic? All right, here we go. Ship station. I'm starting with a hot fucking latte. I'd like you to use whole milk. Oh, yeah. All the gospel singers in the background singing about my breakfast. This guy is sitting like a fucking quarter into the road.

[Bill Burr]

It's dry and everybody's got a fucking.

Come on, there's a cop.

[Mike]

Do your job. Do Your job. That's right. Go right by him. Go right by him. You got better things to do. All right, ship station, everybody. You know the. As the old sayings goes, if it ain't broke, don't fucking fix it. Sounds right until you actually do the math. What the fuck? You got me so chill and now

[Bill Burr]

I have to do math? I'm not good at that.

[Mike]

For most businesses, shipping is that thing.

[Bill Burr]

What's it actually costing you?

[Mike]

Because if nobody's questioning it, it's probably costing way more than it should. Shipstation makes switching easy and the savings are immediate.

[Bill Burr]

Most businesses are overpaying on shipping without realizing it. You calling these people dumb?

[Mike]

ShipStation automatically compares rates across UPS, USPS, and FedEx on every order with savings of up to 90%. They also do it for you, so that saves you a lot of time. So you can start with the hot latte talking points, select at least two talking points, rotate across reeds, variations. All right, I think I can do that. All right, I'm going to choose the first two. ShipStation is an end to end order fulfillment platform for e commerce businesses built to handle your entire shipping workflow so your team can focus on growth, not on other bullshit. Everything from order management to inventory and returns is centralized in one platform. And with automated rate shipping or shopping, you can compare rates. I think it's supposed to be shipping. You can Compare rates across UPS, UPS, PS and FedEx, with savings up to 90% off. Excuse me, ladies.

[Bill Burr]

I'm doing a podcast. Oh, that's a horrific back tattoo.

[Mike]

And she is proud of it. She has it out.

[Bill Burr]

Oh my God, that tight onesie. She looks like the American dream. Dusty Rhodes.

[Mike]

She got a Dusty Rhodes back. You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

You know where the straps fucking push

[Mike]

the fat out on both sides. Are you fat shaming? No, I'm giving in a salute to the.

[Bill Burr]

To the American dream, Dusty Rhodes.

[Mike]

All right. Over 1 million businesses leveled up this their shipping game with ShipStation with customers reporting scaling fulfillment up to 40 times while cutting costs up to 30%. Paint this picture for your listener. Oh, you. You got the brush, you write it. You're still piecing together. You're shipping across multiple tools. What's that actually costing you?

[Bill Burr]

Every day.

[Mike]

Not just in money, but in time and headspace. That's what I was trying to say earlier.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you to whoever wrote this copy.

[Mike]

What would it be like, what it

[Bill Burr]

feel like just to have that one thing handled, to handle all of it?

[Mike]

It feel fucking great. Sooner you switch, the sooner you'll Start saving money and time. Get started with Shipstation today and get 60 days for free at shipstation.com with Code Burr. That's shipstation.com Code Burr shipstation.com Code Burr. Taxes and fees apply. Oh, another part of that deal. They can never audit him again, which means he's making sure they'll not bust

[Bill Burr]

him again when he doesn't pay his fucking taxes.

[Mike]

Oh, also, this fucking Tesla is parked on a corner, so if you wanted to make a left,

[Bill Burr]

you had to go all the way around him. And he drives away. I wonder what his name is. I know it starts with a capital letter. All right, hims, Erectile dysfunction doesn't mean your love life is over.

[Mike]

It means it's just getting started.

[Bill Burr]

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[Mike]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Mike]

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[Bill Burr]

Sorry. To get simple online access to personalized, affordable care for erectile dysfunction, weight loss

[Mike]

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[Bill Burr]

Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan.

[Mike]

Okay, well, there you go. There's that.

[Bill Burr]

That just happened. All right. Look who it is, everybody. Oh, it's Squarespace.

[Mike]

Squarespace is the all in one website

[Bill Burr]

platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

[Mike]

Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your

[Bill Burr]

brand, and get paid all in one goddamn space.

[Mike]

Squarespace gives you everything you need to

[Bill Burr]

offer all in one flag. I hate when they do that.

[Mike]

From consultation to events and experiences.

[Bill Burr]

Showcases your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your businesses.

[Mike]

Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions on auto generated sitemap and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Check out squarespace.com burr for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use Offer Code Burr B U R r to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com brrrr. All capitals. All right, Brian. For a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use Offer Code burr to save 10% off your first purchase

[Bill Burr]

of a website or domain. All right, guys, this one's got to be. This is the last one. All right? Simply save. Look, we all want to feel safe at home. But for a long time, home security has meant expensive monthly fees and ironclad contracts that locked you in for years. It was like joining Bally's Total Fitness.

[Mike]

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[Bill Burr]

around for a service appointment.

[Mike]

Comprehensive protection. It's not just a camera.

[Bill Burr]

It's a comprehensive ecosystem of sensors, cameras for inside and out and 24.

[Mike]

Seven professional monitoring in the event of a break in. Jesus Christ.

[Bill Burr]

Fire.

[Mike]

A flood. Simplisafe.

[Bill Burr]

Man, they went biblical there, huh?

[Mike]

SimpliSafe agents are ready to take action. Affordable pricing. 24. 7 monitoring for a fraction of what the traditional brands charge. I want you to experience the same peace of mind I do, which is

[Bill Burr]

why I partnered with SimpliSafe to offer an exclusive discount to my listeners.

[Mike]

Right now, you can get 50% off

[Bill Burr]

your new system by visiting simplisafe.com brrrr that's half off at simplysafe.com/burr. There's no safe like Simply Safe.

[Mike]

I lied. There's still one more.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, this is the last one. Policy genius. Everybody talk about how spring is a time to take stock of the important things you need to do. You know, people in spring, you know, I don't know if you do this, but sometimes I like to take stock of some of the important things that I need to do. Policygenius is an insurance an online insurance marketplace that allows you to compare quotes from some of America's top top insurers side by side for free. Their licensed team helps you get what you need fast so you can get on with your life easily. Find what you need coverage, amounts, prices, terms. No guesswork, just clarity. Policygenius helps you find your most affordable policy that meets your needs. They answer questions, handle paperwork and advocate for you throughout your business. Policygenius has thousands of five star reviews on Google and Trustpilot from customers who found the best policy to fit their needs. Protect your family with the policy that grows with your life. With Policygenius you can see if you can find 20 year life insurance policy starting at just $276 a year for

[Mike]

$1 million in coverage.

[Bill Burr]

Head to policygenius.com Bill Burr ALL CAPS

[Mike]

Brian to compare life insurance quotes from top countries and see how much you could save.

[Bill Burr]

That's policygenius.

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[Mike]

Hey, what if Jesus doesn't come back? What if it's Judas and he's just like I'm back. Guess who's back. Back again. Judas is back. Rat, not a friend.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Jesus. The shorts with the knee brace. You hate to see it.

[Mike]

All right, let's do the that's that let's talk to you questions. You guys mind if I go a little short this fucking week?

[Bill Burr]

My goddamn voice. Here, let me see here. Oh, Neil degrasse Tyson. I'm gonna get some shit about this. I love making fun of that guy. I don't know why. He just reminds me of the dude who fucking passes the class and I don't. It's childish. It has nothing to do with him.

[Mike]

All right. Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Dear Philly Baguette, I couldn't let the Neil DeGrasse Tyson slander continue without writing in. Well, that's why I make fun of him. He's held in such high esteem. You got to do it. You know, I always do that shit. It's just fun. Who's that computer guy? Steve Jobs. I made fun of him too. I'll start by saying that he is an accomplished astrophysicist who has contribute original research, published papers and written multiple books in his field. He's also been on government advisory boards for the US Space program. I wouldn't do that if I were you. That's him advising the government? I don't know. Seems kind of risky. He's also been on the government advisory boards of the US Space program, is the director of the Hayden Planetarium. I don't know what any of this stuff is.

[Bill Burr]

This sounds at all impressive.

[Mike]

And was even mentored by Carl Sagan.

[Bill Burr]

Or Sagan. Or Sagan.

[Mike]

I get that he's best known for cringy clips of blowing stupid people's minds on talk shows. That's where I fit in. But for the most part, he's making science more accessible and engaging for people who might not otherwise be exposed. Yeah, why should we level up when Neil can dumb it down? It's important work and we could use more public educators like him. Especially in today's world where scientific literacy is being dangerously suppressed and politicized. Thanks for all you do and go fuck yourself. P.S.

[Bill Burr]

come down to San Diego sometime. I know I haven't been there forever.

[Mike]

I get that. But you know something? If Neil's going to come our way, can we go his way a little bit? I've been reading my science book written by that Billy guy. A Brief History of Practically Everything. I can tell you the history of science is fucking tragic. It's really tragic because for everything that they figure out, the lizard people somehow take it. They monetize it and they use it as a way to kill people, poison them, oppress people and take more power. So hey, scientists, why don't you stop figuring shit out? What about back in the day when scientists used to get fucking credit before the lizard people started selling them to, signing them to fucking360 deals where they get a piece of everything, including the created by credit. He figured it out. I will give it up to him. He figured out how to be a famous scientist where you don't get credit

[Bill Burr]

for any of your. Of your inventions anymore. You just sign off. Everything that I invent, you know, this company's gonna own. There's such pieces of shit. There's such pieces of shit. It's gonna happen. Last time this happened was the feudal system and there was a plague and something else happened. And then, you know, then the Industrial Revolution.

[Mike]

It's just.

[Bill Burr]

It's just. It just keeps happening. I don't know what to tell you. Oh, I got this. I listened to 94.

[Mike]

6 the wave.

[Bill Burr]

You got Prince on right now.

[Mike]

I want to be your lover Going

[Bill Burr]

back to the radio

[Mike]

Everybody's wearing shorts today. What is it, Bill May in California? All I'm thinking about right now is

[Bill Burr]

my scrambled eggs and my latte.

[Mike]

I'm thinking about my scrambled eggs now.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Mike]

Teen facing character charges.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, boy, this.

[Mike]

This got real serious.

[Bill Burr]

Well, you know what? My apologies to Neil DeGrasse Tyson. I'm just fucking with him.

[Mike]

The best part is, is I know he never sees it.

[Bill Burr]

He's too busy figuring shit out to listen to some fucking bald, ginger summer school kid. There's an old school guy, he's got pants on and a giant fucking Hannibal Lecter hat walking his chihuahua. Anyway. Oh, my God. Just walking down the street with his mouth wide open. Just get to that age. I could do an impression of him, but my fucking voice is. Remind me on Thursday.

[Mike]

All right? Teen facing charges.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, God, isn't the world negative enough? I don't want to hear this ginger genius.

[Mike]

Oh, that was nice.

[Bill Burr]

That would be my wrestling name. That would be a wrestling manager. The ginger genius. I commented on a Reddit post about a kid driving over some geese.

[Mike]

A few of the comments on the post were talking about how the kid should be tried as an adult for the crime. I had to disagree. Yeah, it's disgusting and buddies should face consequences. But get a grip, people. Try him as an adult. What is the point of juvenile law

[Bill Burr]

if we just try everyone as an

[Mike]

adult the moment we get our feathers ruffled?

[Bill Burr]

I see what you did there.

[Mike]

I see what you did there. And I'm tipping my hat to you.

[Bill Burr]

I like that.

[Mike]

That was nice. Minors are mentally disabled. That's why we have laws to protect them from themselves. Yeah, their brain, it doesn't get fully

[Bill Burr]

developed according to Neil DeGrasse Tyson, until they're 25. I don't know.

[Mike]

But aren't you also.

[Bill Burr]

You know, your brain is developing in a bad way. If you could fucking run over a bunch of geese on purpose, I could see if you didn't see him.

[Mike]

Sure. The law shouldn't be based on a static age. Not everyone develops at the same speed. But you're just ready to throw this

[Bill Burr]

kid into federal pound.

[Mike]

Federal pound me in the ass prison over what amounts to a fraction of

[Bill Burr]

what your favorite fried chicken restaurant does every 30 seconds.

[Mike]

I mean, that's a decent point. If you're gonna try this kid as an adult, you gotta fucking lock up the kernel and throw away the key. What about us all being complicit eating that shit? I mean, fuck this guy. But do we really need another drain on the system? He could still turn Things around and become a functional influencer or something. You know what? This person's a funny bastard. Love the podcast. Obviously, I'll check in on you Thursday. Oh, kind of creepy when someone else says it, huh? Oh, Jesus, this guy's got jokes.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

I've been here so long that. That Dusty Rose side piece went by again. Yeah, you know, that's always. That's a tough one. And I don't have the background, honestly, to. You're in a car and you just

[Bill Burr]

run over a bunch of geese.

[Mike]

Okay, he's a juvenile.

[Bill Burr]

You don't want to try him as an adult. Jail's just going to make him a worse person. I don't know. I don't know about that one, man. That's. You know, God makes a lot of fucked up people. It's not always just the parents. Sometimes they just. He just doesn't, you know?

[Mike]

You remember those Camaros they used to make?

[Bill Burr]

It was called the. The rally sport.

[Mike]

And to look at it, you know, it had the same body as the

[Bill Burr]

Z28, but under the hood was only a V6 and it couldn't get out of its own way. And if you got air conditioning and you were going up a hill, you had to make a choice. Am I shutting off the air conditioner? Is somebody getting out?

[Mike]

You know, he does that with people and their brains. He makes the runts of the litter. And all the other species are smart

[Bill Burr]

enough to not feed that one, but we feed him and then we give it a driver's license, and next thing you know, he runs over some geese.

[Mike]

I honestly don't know what. I see what you're saying. I think that. That it really would have to be.

[Bill Burr]

A psychologist would have to talk to

[Mike]

this kid, see if he truly understands

[Bill Burr]

what he did and if he has any sort of remorse for what he did.

[Mike]

But I also don't think that they're

[Bill Burr]

not gonna throw him in with, like, fucking murderers and rapists. Won't they please tell me that he'll at least have protective custody or some shit. Just the shame of having to say why you're in jail. You know that classic old joke going around. What did you do? This guy ran over a bunch of geese in my mom's station wagon. I miss station wagons, you know? I really do.

[Mike]

All right, here we go.

[Bill Burr]

What do we got here? Oh, Billy's Book Club.

[Mike]

Oh, Billy. Hey there, Billy Bookworm. Billy bookworm tits.

[Bill Burr]

There we go.

[Mike]

Last week you talked about reading a history of nearly everything.

[Bill Burr]

That's what I'M reading.

[Mike]

Yeah, I read that book a few

[Bill Burr]

years ago and loved it.

[Mike]

Regarding that book. Reading that book, Sorry, made me feel

[Bill Burr]

like I was back in history class. Except this time I was actually paying attention. Every school needs a teacher like Bryson, so I think it's Billy Bryson. I highly recommend his other book, one Summer America, 1927. I would love to read that.

[Mike]

It's a little more laid back as it deals with events such as Charles

[Bill Burr]

Lindbergh crossing the Atlantic, Babe Ruth breaking the home run record, and the rise and fall of Al Capone. I mean, that all sounds great to me. So much more going on during that time. Aviation, baseball, and bootlegging. I think you would really enjoy this one. Anyways, looking forward your book recommendation for next month. All the best to you and the lovely family. Go yourself.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And you know what? Thank you.

[Mike]

I

[Bill Burr]

have also found that, like, you know, I was kind of walking around, I just had, like, this anxiety, and it's gone away, but I've never been like. Well, at least not in a long time. I didn't walk around carrying, like, anxiety. And I think what happened was I just had too much work and I was sort of avoiding it by just going on my phone. And I started scrolling and doing all of that stuff. And it's just. Instead of quieting your mind, it just ramps it up. And I have found. What the fuck did that lady just do?

[Mike]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

Oh. She was waving to somebody else that was walking up from behind my car. I was like, what the. She literally, like, bro, both her arms up. All right. Oh. Because she didn't know she was gonna run into that guy. Okay? I just figured it out. She just fucking lifted both her arms up at the same time like she got into a cold pool. That was her reaction to seeing this guy coming up the street. He's wearing a blue hat, a blue pullover with two thin black stripes, black

[Mike]

shirt, shorts, blue socks, totally color coordinated.

[Bill Burr]

Then he has on orange sneakers. He blew it. He blew it. He's trying to be fresh to death. Is that what the kids say? I have no idea. All right, this guy's playing with his zipper. This is just getting weird. Pat's his stomach. Good breakfast. He's got a little zip in his step. All right. Yeah, so I. I got away from my phone and I started reading, which slows your mind down, and you fucking slip off into naps if you're my age or whatever. And it really kind of helped me. And then also, like, focusing on breathing from my diaphragm rather than the fight or flight up in the top, you know, chest. You know, when you just do those big. You just keep doing. You do like fucking 10 of those and really just try to just melt into the chair or something. It's gonna be all right. That's what you gotta keep telling yourself. It's gonna be all right. There's always times in the world where it's not all right. But then most people are good people and they don't want to hurt other people. They don't want to run over geese. And they're not racist and that homophobic. And if they're in a business, they actually want to pay their employees. They don't want their employees to go to work scared, go to sleep scared, wake up scared. Whatever those fucking nerds talk about. I was. NIA was watching Shark Tank last night, and we had such a great night. After I did the benefit, I went over to a buddy of mine's birthday party, and we were going around the table sharing stories. And of course I. I'm thinking, I gotta break balls and all of that stuff. And I was like, bill, what if you're just actually nice? What if you just say. What if you're just not a comedian for half a second? So I didn't say anything mean. I just told a funny story. I still told a funny story. I still went to my go to. You know, I'm the Neil DeGrasse Tyson of avoiding my emotions anyway, you know, it'd be hilarious is that he was ever a guest on my podcast. Not saying I want that. I like not having guests. And, like, he came on all, like, pissed. He saw a whole other side to him, like, you know, the Al Capone side. I'm a famous scientist, you know, hard that is. They don't give us credit for any of our inventions anymore. They own them before we even come up with them. So for me to actually be famous, you know, I don't fuck around. I dot all the I's and cross all the T's, and you and I got unfinished business.

[Mike]

You gotta be like, oh, shit, Neil is going in. Then I would just squash it.

[Bill Burr]

I'm sorry. People like you, so I just make fun of shit that people like. That'd be great if they just lined up everything that I've made fun of that I truly actually didn't really give a shit about. Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Star Wars. I mean, look, I'm not saying I don't enjoy Star Wars. I just made fun of it because everybody liked it. Anyway, I think that, that's the podcast, everybody. Yeah.

[Mike]

So start reading.

[Bill Burr]

Think about your breathing and all that. Try one of those breathwork massages that I did. Actually talk to the person before you do it. Tell them all the pain that you're in and that you're nervous about letting this stuff go and you just kind of get it out there and then they'll make you feel relaxed and you can, you can heal. You'd be nice to hang around. You can have a night like I had last night, going home to my lovely wife. I watched Shark Tank with her. I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't roasting everybody on the fucking thing.

[Mike]

And.

[Bill Burr]

And she went downstairs to make a midnight snack and she was down there forever to the point I actually fell asleep and I came back up. And I'm gonna tell you this right fucking now.

[Mike]

She made the greatest charcuterie board I've

[Bill Burr]

ever had in my life. And she like knows all of this stuff about food, so she wasn't letting me take it off the tray. She was organizing it and literally fucking putting it in my mouth like a fucking Greek God.

[Mike]

She goes, all right. She goes, chew that, blah, blah, blah.

[Bill Burr]

But now have this little, this little fucking.

[Mike]

It was a little mini piece of toast now because she goes, put that in your mouth as you're finishing that part off. Then she had those little pepperoncinis in there to add a little zip to it.

[Bill Burr]

It was fucking amazing. Fucking amazing. So shout out to her for being such an awesome person.

[Mike]

All right, that is the podcast, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. But be nice to each other. Help each other out. God knows these fucking cunts above you

[Bill Burr]

aren't gonna do it.

[Mike]

That's it. Thank you once again to everybody who came out. And thank you to all the incredible

[Bill Burr]

fucking musicians that came out last night. Billy Morrison, Dave Kushner, Mark McGrath, Frankie Perez. I mean, we just had a fucking great time. We had a great time. And oh, Scott Shriner on base. I mean, how about that band, huh? I mean, it was fucking. They sounded so good. So all I did, I just do what I do. I fucking Phil Rud the thing. I stay in my lane. And they were fucking. They were awesome, man. We. We got together, we did the, the sound check at like three, and it was one of my most favorite jams I've have ever done because everyone had a great sense of humor. Everyone was being self deprecating around and then just all telling stories and everything. And I don't know, man, I love musicians. I. I really think what they do is, like, the closest thing to magic. Like, literally learning how to speak through a instrument with you can just express yourself like that is incredible. So to be able to, you know, be the make a wish kid in that band last night was incredible. Thank you to mates who brought all the equipment out and whoever tuned up those drums. I. In the words of acdc, I salute you, man, because that's one of the best sounding kits I've ever played in my life. It. It sounded so good. And thank you to everybody at the United Theater in downtown la. I just had an awesome time. All right, that's it.

[Mike]

I'll check in on you on Thursday.