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Being Sick, Why A.I.?, H.O.A. | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-12-26 - Monday Morning Podcast | Wave AI Podcast Notes

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Being Sick, Why A.I.?, H.O.A. | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-12-26

Monday Morning Podcast

Thu Mar 12 2026

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast – Episode Summary

"Being Sick, Why A.I.?, H.O.A." | March 12, 2026

Host: Bill Burr
Podcast: Monday Morning Podcast (All Things Comedy)

Overview

In this lively, wide-ranging episode, Bill Burr riffs candidly on his recent run-in with illness, meanders through rants about aging, food, and the quirks of modern life, and digs deep into big topics like the dangers of artificial intelligence, societal power structures, and the absurdities of HOAs. As usual, Burr delivers sharp observations, personal confessions, and tangents on sports, relationships, and conspiracies—punctuated with his signature exasperation and irreverent humor.

Episode Breakdown & Key Themes

1. Being Sick, Getting Old, and Food Poisoning

Timestamps: 00:01 – 05:30

Opening Confession: Bill recounts three miserable weeks with a cold, like “these people just walk around, have allergies all the time … it’s a fucking nightmare.” (00:06)
Food Poisoning Saga: Details a rough patch of "appetizer’s worth of food poisoning" after eating a tuna fish sandwich.
- “How many fucking times ... if you get food poisoning, it’s always tuna.” (04:05)
Getting Old and Food: Goes off on hot vs. cold food, ranting against “warm tuna” and hot Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Nostalgia for Brands: Laments old brand names disappearing (KFC, Dunkin’ Donuts) and how this alienates older generations.

“Those are the things they talk about, getting older ... you just become that old man, ‘hey, let’s go to Dunkin’s’ ... ‘Donuts! Dunkin Donuts!’” (05:18)

2. Conspiracies, Power & The Super Rich

Timestamps: 07:00 – 10:15

Satirical Conspiracy: Suggests a "Hunger Games" where the super-rich hunt "the super fat," riffing about how society and power structures have shifted.
Signs of Power:
- “You know when you made it to the top? ... when some shit you did is coming out, and the only way to get out of it, your own country will go to war to protect you. That’s when you know you have got some juice.” (08:27)
Sociopolitical Riff: Blasts the red/blue two-party system as ending in the same place: “Sociopaths, narcissists, and pedophiles.”
AI Paranoia:
- Ties rise of machine intelligence and robots to the desires of the super-rich to “become God” and eliminate the “annoying” wants of ordinary people.
- “That’s what these robots are about ... they want to be God.” (11:21)

3. Why A.I.? & Tech Skepticism

Timestamps: 13:00 – 15:20

‘I Need Answers’ Rant: Inspired by a viral PetSmart meme, Bill passionately questions the motives behind A.I.:
- “Why are you doing this? Nobody is asking for this. Why are there self-driving cars? Nobody asked for those things. Nobody wants any of this shit!” (13:55)
Riff on Nerds & Silicone Valley:
- “Stop building fucking robots, alright? Learn how to talk to a human being. Just because you don’t know how to talk to a human being doesn’t mean you have to replace them!” (20:56)
Physical Differences Bit: Wonders why fat accumulates differently for men and women, ending with, “I need answers! These are the questions.” (14:25)

4. Stand-up, Sports, and Old School Comedy

Timestamps: 16:00 – 19:30

Upcoming Shows: Talks about upcoming road dates, especially in Texas, and reminisces about the early days when selling out comedy clubs meant you “made it,” not theaters or arenas.
NHL Nostalgia: Praises old-school Bruins players and the “second golden age in hockey” during the 80s.

5. The Future: Robots, Class, and Dystopia

Timestamps: 31:00 – 38:34

Class Divide & Artificial Scarcity: Bill envisions a dystopian future where only “the 1%” and robots remain, with everyone else obsolete.
Organ Harvesting Satire: Imagines the super-rich keeping a few humans alive to harvest organs and remain immortal, riffing, “... they never have to face a God that’s going to judge you until you die.”
Religious Themes: Mixes in musings about the afterlife and divine judgment, suggesting God will ultimately outplay even the most powerful.

6. Rants on HOAs

Timestamps: 32:50 – 34:50

HOA Anecdotes:
- “You can’t call yourself a cowboy if you’re dealing with an HOA.” (33:20)
Power and Pettiness: Points out how people with a “little bit of power” often become tyrants in their neighborhoods.
Ideal Behavior: Advises, “If you ran an HOA, wouldn’t you want to be cool?... I’m not trying to be an asshole. That fence—we have a rule.” (34:07)

7. Miscellaneous Riffs, Pop Culture & Relationship Q&A

Timestamps: 41:45 – End

Cleaning & Minimalism: Argues hoarding is more environmentally sound than minimalism, since your junk isn’t going to a dump.
Weightlifting Update: Describes working out as he ages, “All my weight training, it looks like it’s made out of Play Doh.” (71:55)
Standup Shows & Audience Plant Conspiracies: Shares a story about a disruptive audience member in Vancouver, jokes about conspiracy theories in show business.
Relationship Questions:
- Gives advice to listeners about relationship struggles, cheating, attraction to a friend’s spouse, and the double standards in media about infidelity.
- “Generally when it comes to women, OK, if you fuck up, it’s your fault. If they fucked up, it’s because of something you did.” (90:00)
Gun Laws, Sports Teams, and Food Sourcing: Weighs in on Vermont’s gun laws and the impossibility of trust in the food industry.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Aging & Alienation:
“This is the stuff that bugs you ... That fucking makes you feel like you don’t fit in the world anymore. It’s stupid shit like that.” (05:18)
On Artificial Intelligence:
“Why are you doing this? Nobody is asking for this.” (13:55)
On the Ultra-Rich and Power:
“You know you’ve made it when your own country will go to war to keep you out of trouble.” (08:35)
On HOA Power Trips:
“It’s fucked up how so many people handled a position of just a little bit of power ... Let me see your hands! Like, that’s their vibe. Fucking relax.” (34:07)
On Relationship Double Standards:
“If you make a show where a guy cheats to feel young again, the amount of attacks that show would get … but if it’s a woman, it’s empowering.” (91:00)
On Nostalgia for Food:
“If I eat Kentucky Fried Chicken when it’s hot, I don’t know what’s going on over there. But cold? I’ll eat a whole fucking bucket.” (05:00)
On Future Class Divides & A.I.:
“There’s going to be 1 percenters, and everybody else can go fuck themselves, and they’re totally going to get away with it.” (33:28)

Highlighted Timestamps

00:01 – 05:30: Being sick, food poisoning, aging, and nostalgia for old brands
08:27: The power game, sociopaths, and the ultimate sign of status
13:55: “Why is there AI?” and PetSmart viral video
20:56: “Stop building fucking robots … You are a human being, you dumb fuck!”
33:20: “You can’t call yourself a cowboy if you’re dealing with the HOA”
71:55: Reflections on aging and lifting “play-doh” dumbbells
90:00: Relationship advice—on double standards in infidelity
92:55: The friend’s wife attraction story and honest advice

Tone & Style

Bill Burr’s delivery throughout is personal, raw, and relentless—equal parts self-deprecation, social criticism, and blunt honesty. He weaves his trademark sarcasm with empathy for everyday struggles and frequent bursts of comic absurdity. He leans heavily into tangents, seamless rants, and stream-of-consciousness storytelling, peppering serious subjects with levity, profanity, and self-awareness.

Final Thoughts

This episode is classic Bill Burr: unpredictable, hilarious, and surprisingly insightful. Whether he’s sick, questioning the motivations behind AI, roasting the ultra-rich, or giving (semi-serious) relationship advice, Burr keeps the energy up, the observations sharp, and the digressions endless. Even in moments of existential dread and cultural criticism, he circles back to the basic joys—and absurdities—of daily life.

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Transcript

Bill Burr (0:01)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in, checking in on you. Whoa. Oh, Billy virus. I don't know what the hell. Whatever this three week cold thing is, I'm finally getting past it. Now I know what it's like to be a, like, you know, these people just walk around, they have allergies all the time. Like they can catch a cold and just also have like allergies or whatever. It's a fucking nightmare. Three weeks of this shit. Ah, geez. I didn't know what I was gonna do. And then to add to it,

Bill Burr (0:46)

don't know when the fuck it was. A couple days ago I got like mild, mild food poisoning. You know what I mean? Like an appetizer worth of food poisoning. I had a tuna fish sandwich. Oh, Jesus. And I ate that thing as you do, had some chips with it. I was all happy about it and I was like, ah, you know, I got that little nub. Am I gonna go smoke that little. Ah, whatever. Fuck it, I'll do it. So I go out my back porch, I sit down, I was like, I had a cup of coffee, little cigar. I was ready to go. And I was just like, yeah, I don't, I don't feel so good. Let me just wait a second here. And I had taken my little fucking vitamins and stuff and I thought, did I take the vitamins on an empty stomach? Is that what it's doing? And then it's just like, nah, I don't think that's what it is. So I was like, I gotta go back inside. So go back inside. Upside is I didn't smoke the cigar or drink the coffee. I just said, fuck everything. And I went inside and then I was like, you know what? It's like it's gradually coming on. So you start by just sitting down. Then after sitting down, sitting down doesn't work. Then you start changing plans. I was going to do this, I was going to do that, I can't make it right. So I was supposed to do flappers. My apologies to everybody. Monday night I was supposed to go to flappers. All right, hang on a second. All right, sorry, I had to clear my throat. So you have to listen to that, the whole podcast? Yeah. So it's like, I gotta do flappers tonight. You know, I gotta get my. This, I gotta get my. Together here. So I go upstairs and I lay down and then I just pass out. And for like I Don't know, two hours. I have weird ass dreams and then I wake up and I. I feel like I ate a boot or something. And I was like, oh, my God, this is horrible. I can. I can still do the show. I can still do the show, right? And then I got all achy and I was like, what the. I thought, then I thought. I thought it was just this three week thing. It's like I was coming out of this. How's getting worse? So then my legs were achy and then I said it. I'm taking an Epsom salt bath. Maybe that'll. I don't know what make my legs not ache, but I got like a stomachache. I don't want to get in that hot water. Jesus Christ, people. I was just throwing against the wall at that point. And then I get in the tub. I was in the tub for like five seconds and then I just wretched. And I said, oh, no,

Bill Burr (5:00)

Forget about cold. Kentucky Fried Chicken. I'll eat a whole fucking bucket. I'm fine if I eat that shit when it's hot. I don't know what's going on with the grease over there at kfc. I really hate how they're ashamed of what they're doing over there. Kfc, Come on. Kentucky Fried Chicken just sounded like it gave it. Like it gave it, like status. Kfc, like some fucking bootleg mixed martial arts fucking league. NBA, aba, ufc, kfc. It's Kentucky Fried Chicken. Kentucky Fried. I remember as a kid, I didn't Know what? Kentucky. It sounded cool to me. Kentucky Fried Chicken. God damn it. Kfc. You know, the older you get, Sears Roebuck just becomes Sears. Then it goes out of business. Kentucky Fried Chicken becomes kfc. Dunkin Donuts is just Dunkin's now. Those are the things they talk about, getting older. This, like the stuff that bugs you. That fucking makes you feel like you don't fit in the world anymore. It's stupid shit like that. Then you just become that old man, hey, let's go to Dunkin's. And you're across the street going, donuts. Dunkin Donuts. Then they come up to you, whoa, what are you talking about, mister? When I was a kid, it was called Dunkin Donuts. Wait, Duncan's used to make donuts? I thought it was just coffee. No, they had donuts. They did miles of them, all different flavors. They just totally abandoned that. That just reeks of a fucking CEO coming in, trying to cut costs. How much is it? Well, the. What's. What's the profit on the coffee? You. I went to the original Dunkin Donuts in Quincy, Mass. Quincy. Quincy. And I went in there and they had an. Like a. What do they call that? When. When they bring. They bring in, like, you know, half the staff. Not a ghost staff, a shadow staff, a fucking. That's just what they have with the donuts, trying to spread them out. Whatever happened to that guy, the bald guy with the mustache, trying to make the donuts? And he'd get up and he'd fucking make the goddamn donuts. I'll tell you what was amazing, is people ate those donuts. And as fat as they were, they were like medium fat. They weren't like this hippo fat. Big game. Big game. You know, that used to be a thing when I was a kid. Hunters would go over to Africa, big game hunting. They go over there and shoot lions and elephants and shit like that, you know, they came back and they'd fucking brag about it, and they'd have the heads hanging on the wall and all of that. I don't know what happened. Then all of a sudden, people got as big as those animals over there. It's a long flight, you know, Hunger Games comes out, gives you some fucking ideas. Did I just stumble on a new conspiracy theory? Are the super rich hunting the super fat? And then do they put their big heads, their big fat heads on the fucking wall? You know, only for it to be exposed later and then redacted. And then we bomb a country, you know, is that gonna Happen, Dude, that's when you know, that's when you know you have fucking made it in the power game. In my game, you know, the stand up or whatever. You know it when. When you. When you start selling out comedy clubs. I know all the kids now, they want to do theaters and fucking arenas. That shit didn't even exist when I was. It was a. It was the comedy club. You sold out a comedy club. You made it. If you could go around the country and sell out comedy clubs wherever you went, I mean, that was like fucking amazing. And then I don't know what the fuck was my point. I was talking about Hunt, okay? So being like a power person, that's a whole different game. This is this when you know you made it in the power world. And I don't give a fuck which tree you climbed up, the red one or the blue one, it all ends in the same place. Sociopaths, fucking narcissists and pedophiles. You know when you made it to the top, when some shit that you did is coming out and the only way to get out of it, your own country will go to war to protect you. That's when you're like, dude, I have got some juice. Sir, we're gonna. We're gonna prosecute you. You're gonna proxies prosecute you for X, Y and Z. It's probably not a good idea. If you try to do that, we're going to bomb a fuck. A lot of people are going to die if you try to get me. And I got to tell you, like, that's a bad message to send. The same way I feel like young comics today aspire to do arenas, you know, I don't think that's a bad thing to people in the power game. Be like, I want to get so powerful that when I create something that poisons half of my own countrymen and that information is coming out, my own country will then bomb another country to keep me out of the noose. I mean, that's amazing. That is like, I saw this thing that this person was talking about the other day. It was like, deep, but it was scary. Was talking about how power is in so few people's hands and they've like transcended to the point where, you know, whatever you want to run, this amount of people, you want to run that you want to run a country, you want to run the planet. Now, now they want to be God and they want to like, that's what these robots are about, that they just want to have like you know, because we're annoying with our needs and our rights, you know, and our opinions. That's all. Like when you get to that level of money and like, power where your buddy has an island and you're doing God knows what on it, like, the second somebody just looks at you. And after you. I don't know what, after you go to one of those Bilderberg meetings and then somebody comes and has a difference of opinion, it's like offensive to you. It's like. It's like they farted in an elevator. Like, what the. Who the. What the fuck is that? Get rid of that. I don't want to deal with that fucking thing. It's really amazing. I'm kind of excited. Like, you know, after this shit, when you die, like, I hope there's something after this that just explains what all of this was. I don't need to fucking go to some fucking spa for the rest of my life. What are that stupid afterlife heaven and hell and all of that. Just, you know, just give me. Just explain what the fuck that was. That's why I love that you've seen that. That petsmart thing that that kid did, which, by the way, is like such that. That fucking guitar riff and the drums, I mean, that's. That fucking rocks that that kid who goes, is. Is it pets smart or is it pet smart? Are you saying that pets are smart? Are you saying you're a march for pets? I need answers. Which.

Bill Burr (15:21)

I love when he called him a jerk because, you know, he wanted to. You wanted to call him a motherfucker. But he's like, all right, this is still tennis. This is on television. I got to be careful here. I'm doing my first road dates this week, man, and I'm going to fucking Texas, baby. Biggest goddamn state down here in the lower 48. I'm going out there. I'm going to Houston, Texas. Smart move. I'm going there in March before it gets super hot. Great food, great people. Then I'm going to dirty ass Austin, Texas. I'm. You know, whenever. Whenever I picture Austin, Texas, I always picture a white dread playing hacky sack. That's what the. It was when I first used to go there. It was a dirty, dirty ass city. It was weird. It was a college town, you know, but it was a dirty ass city. There was a lot of dirty people just walking down the street, you know. Definitely had the anarchy vibe. A lot of outdoor people, but it was always a fun town. Good barbecue down there, too. So I'm looking forward to both of those. I'm doing that south by Southwest thing out there and. Yeah, and then I got Utah and then I got North Kakalacki after that, I think going to a couple of Bruins games, which should be fun. My Bruins won the other night. Both goals scored by defenseman. Who was. It was Mason. No. Yeah, Mason, Laura. I got the first one and then they fucking tied it up. And then we won an overtime. The 3 on 3 with David Posternak anticipating. Was it Castellik who got the puck? I don't know. Passed it up to him and then he passed it to a streaking Charlie McAvoy for the goal. I don't know. We've been. We've been like, win some, lose some. We win, we lose. We win, we lose. Ever since the Olympic break. So still, definitely a fun team to watch. How about the other day, the Thursday, the Thursday afternoon. Thursday afternoon, just before Friday. Monday morning podcast. How about that? Rick Middleton, Nifty. The great Rick Middleton, number 16 for the Boston Bruins. He was that guy. You should watch a highlight reel of that guy. That guy's goals were absolutely gorgeous. Like it would turn. And he played in the 1980s, which I would say was the second golden age in hockey, because I'm sure hockey purists Would talk about those years when every other year, Montreal or Toronto would win it up until 67. And then I don't know what happened to the Maple Leafs. I don't know what the fuck happened, but it's insane anyway. The 1980s was the perfect balance of finesse players and enforcers. The size of the players and then the pads that they were were still those, you know, they weren't made out of that hard plastic. So you can only hit people so fucking hard. That's why in the 90s, when the equipment improved and they were still playing by the old school rules, guys, careers would get ended. When people, when they were, like, following through on a shot and a certain someone, that was his move. He would wait for you to follow through with your shot. He would come by and clip you right in the jaw with your shoulder, and you would helicopter around and it was a. It was like getting hit by a bus. But anyway, All right with that. Let's get into the advertising fluid. Quo, man, if your team is still operating like a group chat with commitment issues, that's a problem. Nothing kills momentum faster than an opportunity slipping through the cracks because everyone assumed someone else was on it. Eventually you look at the chaos, sigh, and think, let's fucking quote. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U, O. The smarter way to run your business communications. If your business is still running, like a game of telephone gone wrong, Scattered messages, missed calls, who's handling this? It's time to fix that. A modern comms system is like handling your team. Hand it, hold. Wait. It's like handing your team a GPS instead of a treasure map drawn by a toddler.

Bill Burr (20:52)

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Bill Burr (23:22)

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Bill Burr (26:55)

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That's another question I would ask, like, why does that always happen? That would be funny to ask God, just questions like that. He's looking at you like, don't you want to know, like, how it all started and the meaning of life and all that? No, I want to know why the fuck, you know, if I went to the gym, like two, three fucking weeks all of a sudden, then I would get like, sick or like, you know, I'd hurt myself. Like, how come that always happened? Why does that always happen? Like past a certain age, it was almost like life won't let you get in shape past a certain age. They're like, no, fuck you. Fuck you, okay? You've lived long enough, you've procreated, and we are phasing you out. You are the older model. You will not be going to a Mecham auction. I bet in the future though, in the future, when these fucking nerds and these billionaires do away with all of us, which is clearly what they're on their way to doing is getting rid of the middle class. And there's going to be, you know, 1 percenters and everybody else can go fuck themselves and they're totally going to get away with it because people are going to continue to be racist and homophobic and nationalist every fucking thing that plays into their hands. I mean, I don't think it is in any way, shape or form a surprise that the disparity in wealth right now and all of the crazy shit that is happening is on 10. And so is racism and nationalism, homophobia and all of that, because those are the tools that they use when they're about to go do some fucked up shit. That's just my opinion. What the what? Hey, hey, what do I know, huh? Well, you know what? I'm just a guy sitting in some sweatpants who puked his guts out two days ago and is trying to figure out what the hell I can eat. That's that. They don't. That's all I'm doing anyways. I started watching an amazing movie on the Criterion Collection. It's a three hour movie and I got kids, so it's. It's difficult to. I gotta finish watching it. It was called like Drive My Car or something. I gotta get. I think it's a Japanese, Japanese movie and I'm about an hour and 15 minutes in it. I can't into it. I can't stop thinking about the movie, wondering how it's gonna end. So that's what the I'm doing tonight. I'm gonna watch the rest of that goddamn movie and. And then I'm gonna, I'm gonna take my ass out to Texas. I remember how excited I was the first time I went to Texas. That was like something as a kid you wanted to go to Texas because you thought everyone was going to be a cowboy riding horses. And then you get there, it's a bunch of people dressed like cowboys riding around pickup trucks. And most of them live in like condos or have to deal with like an hoa. You can't be a, call yourself a cowboy if you're dealing with the hoa. You know, if you can't wear your spurs around your goddamn property without some goddamn HOA person coming over telling you, you know, asking you about that hitch you put on the back your truck. I can't imagine like why people would ever get involved with an hoa. The one thing you know, if you're lucky, you move into a neighborhood, there's a couple, two or three families that you vibe with. I'm not saying you don't like the other families, it's just you don't have anything in common, you know, especially when you have kids. Like, your kids got to be roughly the same age. So this. You know, there's something to do there, right? And then there's all of the other. You know, there's philosophies, the way people raise their kids. Some people are hands on, some people are hands off. Some people are lunatics. So you got to figure out, you know, you got to figure out the spectrum that you fit into, right? And then what's great is if you move it to a neighborhood and there's no fucking hoa, then if you meet some people you don't want to deal with, you don't have to fucking deal with them. You get it to an hoa, it's like the biggest fucking cunt. Not only do you have to deal with them, they. They tell you what to do. Start talking about your fence.

Bill Burr (38:35)

Rourke movie with Lisa Bonet. What the fuck was that movie called? I forget. It was a fucking good movie, though. So basically the movie was this guy had sold his soul to the devil, this musician or something. And then he figured out a way how to get out of it. And what it was, was he had to. He had to eat the heart of a live person. Like, rip it out of chest and eat it. And then that person's soul would go into his. And that, not only that, he wouldn't remember who he was and then he wouldn't remember the contract and then he wouldn't have to go to hell. I swear to God. Like, that was, that was the thing. So I feel like with these super rich people, they're going to want to live forever so they never have to face a God that's going to like, God can't judge you until you die. So at that point they got to be really worried about slipping and falling. But then here's the thing. Like, you're not going to outdo God. All he has to do is be like, oh, okay, so you figured out how to air quote, live forever. Did you ever hear the dinosaurs? You remember what happened to them? Well, guess what? You drop to World War II. I'm fucking gonna take your fucking nod and I'm dropping my second one and a fucking asteroid's gonna come and take all those fuckers out. And then what? Because you basically, they're ruining. If you're a religious person, they're ruining God's work. But if you play by the numbers, you look at these psychos and you realize they are part of God's work. And then you got, you know, I need answers, right? Like, why would you make people like this? Like, everybody just needs to fucking relax and chill out and stop trying to take everything just for yourself. Everybody fucking relax. There's plenty of food, plenty of water, plenty of places to live. If everybody just like relax. It's all good. How you doing? You good? I'm good. Everybody okay, cool. I don't get the fucking manifested hysteria of this time. Other than the fact that very few people are trying to take a lot

Bill Burr (58:34)

World, Right. But they don't have that one. So I'm like. And then we scrolled down, and then they had Thelma and Louise. And I was just like, man, I have not. I have literally not seen that movie since I saw it when it came out in the movies. And, oh, is that a great fucking movie. Fucking great goddamn movie. And it still holds up. And now with all this MeToo shit, you watch it now and it's. It's more relevant than ever. And every guy in there was just this piece of shit hitting on him. Like the guy who plays Geena Davis's husband, Christopher McDonald, He Fuck. He fucking steals every scene that he's in. Like, you gotta. You gotta watch it again. When they tell him that his wife might be involved in her murder, he just goes, what? Wait, wait, what? Just the way he. I'm gonna put. I'm butchering it. He's fucking hilarious in that movie. And we watch it in the end, you know, I don't ruin the ending for people who haven't seen it, but, you know, anything that you know is a little nod to Vanishing Point. You gotta love that. Have you ever seen Vanishing Point? That's one of the first, like, anti hero was during that. Not the first, but during that era of the anti hero. Like, up until then, I guess with movies and shit, it was always like, you know, the guy with the white hat and who's kidding who. The white skin was always like, the fucking hero. He was always trying to do the right thing. He didn't rob, he didn't steal, and he was a fucking hero. And if you stole and you were a piece of shit, you wore the black cat. You were the bad guy. You know what I mean? I would say that they put minorities in those roles, but way back then, I don't even think they did that. They just had, like. They even had white people playing, like, Native Americans and Asians. Even Asians. I remember that when I posted that thing from fucking Hawaii 5o and they had that fucking white dude, and they did something to his eyes to try to make him look. He just looked weird, which was really strange. Because they had all those. I don't know if they were Asian, Hawaiian, what the fuck they were, but I mean, they had plenty of people who weren't white on that show. I don't know, didn't make any sense. But anyways, you gotta love Jack Lord's Mercury Marque. I like the first one he had the 67 that he had, or the 66, that was a mean fucking looking car. Anyways, but we sat, we watched that movie and it's still, it's just. Still holds up. Still fucking holds up. This is the time when usually I would start doing some reads, but I don't fucking have any Thelma in my reads. Oh, Jesus, Bill, why would you make such a bad fucking joke? You know, I can't even sign into my fucking Gmail right now. I don't know what the problem is. Oh, Instagram. I'm instinct. I'm inching closer to getting on Instagram. I figured out what my password is and now they're like, yeah, there's been too many fucked up attempts to get into your account. I'm like, all right, that was me. But there's nobody to say that to. So they go, we're gonna send this fucking code to you. Then they never send it. Well, who's kidding who? They sent me something back in September and I never fucking responded. So now I think they're looking at

Bill Burr (66:28)

It's like the kind of haircut like a wrestler, you know, would have. They wanted to make a splash, like, oh, my God, who the fuck is this guy? But anyways, you imagine the balls of me just sitting here fucking completely bald, sitting there trashing these people's haircuts. I gave Trump a nod. I don't think it looks that bad. Compared to what. Compared to what I'm fucking dealing with, I guess. Although I think I look better than, hey, well, let's do that. Let's do that on the Photoshop, you know, when they go, who wore it best? You know, do a fucking Trump, me and Kim Jong Un and just vote worst haircut and fuck all you assholes who pick me just to be cunts. I respect it, but fuck you too. All right? CIA Director Mike Pompeo has defended Donald Trump's decision to meet North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, saying the President understands the risk. I actually think it's fucking great that he's doing this. This should happen more. Go talk it out before a bunch of people fucking die, you lunatics. He said. Mr. Trump isn't doing this for theater. He's going there to solve a problem. The spy chief told Fox News Sunday. It's funny. He's a spa. A spa. A spy. And he's going on the fucking news. The President has said the summit could prod the greatest deal for the world. What else would he say? He's been saying that that's how it got him in the office. Everything's great. But critics have warned that if the tops talks go poorly, the two nations will be in a worse position than before. It's the political gamble of the 21st century that the tricky task of preparing for the Trump Kim summit. Why is everybody so like, why is it better that the two of them don't talk? Says no sitting US president has ever met a North Korean leader. Mr. Trump reportedly accepted the offer to do so on the spot when it was relayed by South Korea. South Korean envoys on Thursday, taking his own administration by surprise. Let me ask you this, please tell me they're not going to meet in some fucking Italian restaurant in the village, okay? And at any point Kim Jong Un says, I need to go to the bathroom. All right, you better, you better have something down by your ankle. That's all I'm saying. Anyways. Attempts to negotiate aid for disarmament deals have failed repeatedly since 2003 when the north pulled out of the Nuclear non proliferation treaty. Mr. Pompeo told CBS the administration had its eyes wide open to the challenge of dealing with North Korea. I gotta be honest with you. I don't understand what the fucking problem is.

Bill Burr (71:40)

Who cares? I don't care. I actually stopped caring in the middle of that. All right, I guess I have to hit pause at this point because I don't have any of my fucking advertising or any other bullshit. What else can I talk to you about? Oh, you know what? My fucking shoulder is doing great. I did yoga for 20 minutes before my shoulder was like, you know, getting a little like, hey, take it easy there, huh? I got weightlifting going again a little bit. I got to get in shape. Girls, you know the pink. Oh, my God, you had a girl. One pounders. I got the baby blue, fucking five pounders. And I don't know, at some point I'm going to work back up to the iron. But at this point, all my, all my weight training with the shit I grabbed looks like it's made out of play. D'oh. But I'm fucking psyched because I told you guys, you know, I'm turning 50. I don't know if I brought that up 50,000 fucking times, but I'm turning 50 in June and I'm gonna get into the best shape of my life. That's what I plan on doing. That's my plan. Whether I do it or not, I have no idea. Not the best shape of my life. Best shape of my fucking, like the last 10 years. Because matter how good a shape I get in, you know, the parts of 50 years old, right, you know, they always try to say that, you know, they used to do that where it's just like, you know, I did a test, you know, I'm 50, but my fucking legs are 40. It's like, no, no, they're not. Those are your. Those are all original parts. Okay. Unless you lost a leg and then they stuck a new one on there when you were 10. Then that leg would be 40 years old. The prosthetic. All right, that was negative. All right, let me. Let me hit pause here. All right, And I'm back. That was half a second in your life, but all right, I guess. Oh, geez. We got a new advertiser here. Okay, I just realized I left the monitor in the other room. I don't want my daughter to wake up without me. All right, hang on. All right, you know what? She's still sleeping. And I just realized that it's not 4:15, it's 5:15. So I need to wake her up. I hate having to wake her up, but I got to do that or else she's gonna throw her all off. All right, I gotta hit pause again. Hit and pause again. All right, I'm back. He's back. All right, I was all set to launch into why Postmate sucks as I finally downloaded it onto my phone, the app, and I was like, all right, I'm gonna do what all the kids are doing. Baba ba ba ba. Fuck Adobe and order the food, and some fucking kids gonna show up. And they haven't, you know, they can't fucking ring a doorbell anymore. They're sitting there, they're texting you that they're outside of the knock on the fucking door. So anyways, I've used it twice, same place, okay? The first fucking guy say I said I. That I live on fucking 9,000,858 Main Street, North Main Street. He went to the south main street. He's just like, oh, bro, I'm nine miles from your house, bro. What the fuck, dude? So now we talked. He was actually a good shit. And I. I sat there blaming myself, going, I probably it up. I just signed up about all this and turned out I didn't fuck up. I put my right zip coping in they. They up. I still tip the guy, right? I gotta need to be liked. He was a good guy, whatever. So I ordered it again, same place. And I'm waiting and I'm waiting and then I'm looking and it says, it's going to be here at like 6. And I'm like, fine, you know, But I can't negotiate it. And then, I don't know, I hit something and it said, oops, there's been a problem. Your order can't go through. So I was just like, you postmates and all this shit and I ate something else. And in the middle of prepping that, the doorbell rings and my order came. So I don't know what I did. So I apologize to Postmates for all the shit I just said about him walking around my house. Evidently, I fucked it up. I went back to some other screen. All I knew is I couldn't tell if I ordered it and had gone through. I don't know. You know, it doesn't take much to fucking, you know. Sorry, I'm typing my password. I can't fucking think and type at the same time. It doesn't take much to throw me off. That's all I'm saying. All right, so whatever. Postmates is fine.

Bill Burr (79:31)

And then of course, we had two football teams there for a minute. We had the New England Patriots and we had the Boston breakers in the usfl. I went to a game against the Washington Federals at Nickerson Field. No, I don't, I don't. You know, this is the deal. We don't need more than one team in every sport the way New York does to try to fucking win some championships. I'm telling you, the fucking New York Yankees are the sugar daddy of New York City. That's the reason why New York City is not looked upon, is one of the most pathetic fucking sports towns ever. Just considering the amount of titles versus the amount of fucking teams. You know, the Knicks haven't won in forever. The Nets have never won. The Mets haven't won in 30 something years. The jets haven't won since Super Bowl 3. Who else? The Knicks, you know, the Knicks since what, 73. The Rangers have won once since 1940. And they're going on a 25 year drought again. They're about halfway through that fucking curse again already. Just like that. They went 54 years the last time. They're almost at the halfway point of. The. Giants are decent, Giants are respectable. And also they did it by, you know, some Giants also won some NFL titles too, so. But what kills the fucking city for me, aside from my blind hatred of them, is the Fact that you know you can just go, oh, what about the Giants? Because you already have the jets so that you don't have to have the jets hanging around your neck. Ah, the fucking Mets. Oh, what about the Yankees? You know, I mean they always have like a fucking option. So. Yeah, I don't know. And I gotta be honest with you, I don't understand how the Clippers fucking survive. But they do, they do. I just don't see that happening in a city like Boston. The size of it and the, the ridiculous loyalty that you would bring a new team. Like who the fuck would you bring in there? I mean everybody hates us at this point and everybody's talked shit about us. So what are you going to, what are you, who are you going to move there? The Jaguars, The New England Jaguars? Would you put them out in Worcester, change their name? The fucking Worcester Wildebeest? I don't know. Former vegetarian and anti weight lifter. Dear Billy Bison thighs. Heard you talking about lifting weights with Kenny Aronoff. Can I just read that sentence again? Heard you talking about lifting weights with Kenny Aronof. How fucking awesome was he on the podcast? I can't believe I got to meet that guy. Really glad you understand the benefits. I was a vegetarian who only did cardio for five and a half years. I recently started eating animal fat again and I feel a lot better. I'm not going to preach against vegetarian vegetarianism, but the mental benefits of those types of cholesterol is complete. Improved my hormone energy and cognitive levels. I only eat grass fed meat and try to eat in the morning to improve brain function. Also since I started lifting weights once or twice a week, my upper body feels better than when doing, when doing basic tasks around the house and yard. What's your take on red meat? Are you picky where it comes from? Nah, dude, I'll literally, I'll eat a cow that. Eat another cow. I don't have, I don't have the patience. There's a butcher you know, couple of towns over I guess I could go to. Sometimes I go there, but generally speaking I don't know what I'm eating but I try to eat as well as I can. What's my take on red meat? It's fucking delicious. You know, I start to read up on all of that shit and it just gets so fucking depressing. So I try, I mean, and then you go through. They just say it's grass fed. Okay, so it's grass fed. Everything says it's organic. It isn't organic, it's Got a bunch of crap put in there. Like the system to monitor what's in your food, like most systems at this point is so corrupt. I don't. I don't know how to. I don't know what to do. But, yeah, I'm actually. I will go back to lifting weights. I don't think I'm going to do, like, bench pressing. I'll do it with dumbbells. For some reason, with dumbbells, I can control the angle independently on both shoulders, and I don't have a fucking problem. But bench pressing is for young people, and I am not young. All right. Vermont gun laws Bill. I'm from New Hampshire, and I always found it fascinating how lenient Vermont's gun laws are. Here's a basic rundown of how Bernie runs things and why he's always careful around the gun law conversation. Minimum age to purse, purchase, and possess in Vermont. Vermont allows any person age 16 or older to possess a handgun without the consent of a parent or guardian. There is no minimum age to possess a rifle or a shotgun in Vermont. Vermont law allows firearm sales to anyone 16 years or older. Thanks.

Bill Burr (87:29)

However, my wife routinely gets nostalgic about her teenage years. She's unable to get a steady job, keeps changing topics at school, so she attends a certain course for a couple years, gives up heads on to the next one. I was hoping becoming a mum would help, but it looks like it hasn't. Recently she's even been asking how upset would I be if she told me she was cheating. What the fuck? That's a. She has apparently been watching some fucking show on Netflix where the protagonist is a chick that cheats to feel free and young again. Isn't it? It's just women. I swear to God. I swear to God. Do you know if they ever put a show on the air where a guy was cheating on his wife to feel free and young again? The amount of attacks that that goddamn show would get. You know, this is one thing that I have learned. Generally when it comes to women, okay, if you fuck up, it's your fault. Okay, it's your fault. If they fucked up, it's because of something you did. That's kind of how it works. I told her I think that's bullshit. I can go out on a guy's night out, smoke a cigar, drink some alcohol and have a fucking great time. And that's basically more than Enough for me. Unfortunately, I have also found out she's been trying to engage in conversations with her first big crush. Oh, boy. Dude, like, I. You know, you don't have to be a genius to read these tea leaves here, man. At least the way you're presenting it. So what's your takes on this? What the fuck do I do with this woman? We're planning on having a second child, but honestly, I'm not sure if it's a good idea. It's fine for me to stay with my daughter, and she can fuck off if that's what she wants. I almost think you have to tell her that. Find out first. What's. Just be like, what's going on with you? You're asking me how I would feel if you cheated on me? You're watching this show where this woman's cheating and you're. You're having conversations with your. Your first big crush. Okay, I need to know what's going on. Are you going through a phase? Because if this fucking thing's over, it's fucking over. I'm not having another kid with you. And I wouldn't get upset the way I'm getting upset for you to say it. I would just put it online, like, what's going on with you? And I don't know how much I would trust her, listen to what she has to say. And before I have another kid with that person, I would fucking. I would hire a private investigator to follow around to see if she's not fucking somebody else. No, I wouldn't. But you should. By the way, he said I'm doing very well professionally and have also some hobbies that keep me entertained. Having a daughter certainly takes a toll on a relationship. I'm guessing she's had. She has too much free time and maybe consequently feels neglected. We do try to watch a show every now and then, and we go out as a family regularly on the weekends. Sex life is okay. Not sure if we can blame this situation on me. Thanks a lot. Well, God knows she's gonna. I mean, what man doesn't feel neglected, too, when they have a kid? I mean, your sex life does suffer, you know, should you then go out and, you know, do something to feel free and wanted? Yeah. You need to sit down and talk to her, find out what the fuck is going on. And I would just tell her what you're doing. And the way you're making me feel right now is not even remotely fair, and it's not something I would do to you, so what the fuck just Clean that up. Say it in a nice way. Man, that's fucking annoying. There's a show out there where a woman fucks around to feel free and young again. Listen, here's the thing, all right? It's not that I even fucking mind that show because I believe that there are people out there. Like there's people out there that they're just not designed to be married. There's people out there that can actually do that and it doesn't mean shit to them, both men and women. And they can just fucking walk back in. It doesn't mean shit to him. The problem is the person they're with. It means something to.

Bill Burr (95:26)

Okay. I was pretty overwhelmed and thrilled because I thought she was a bit out of my league. I'm also. I'm also am not the happiest in my relationship. What makes it harder for me to sort out my feelings on the matter? This girl excels in the areas that my girlfriend doesn't. I certainly am very attracted to her and enjoy this type of attention. I didn't know if she was unhappy in a relationship or what. I've tried to see what this girl wants or if there's a problem with their marriage. But she has had a lot of dodgy answers like I wasn't looking for anything or this isn't supposed to go anywhere or I'm perfectly happy in my relationship, etc. She also has a hard time time committing to any boundaries. I'll fuck this chick. This chick. Or maybe she just got drunk and said something stupid. It all sounds like bullshit to me. I think she is lacking affection from my buddy and she's bored and horny. She also sounds like she just doesn't want to admit that there's a problem. She's trying to have the security of a marriage and the thrill of a new romance. We haven't kissed or anything yet. Big word yet. But I feel like we've already desecrated both of our relationships. I also feel like any increased fun talk about and the tension will eventually reach the inevitable breaking point. Yeah, you got to stay away from her. What should I do? My girlfriend will lose a shit if she hears about this. My buddy will be really unhappy. I think you flip those. I think your girlfriend will be unhappy. Your. Your buddy will re. Lose his shit anyways. And I already feel like I couldn't trust this girl if we did get together. However, I don't really care. I just love to hook up with her. I can. Well, it's honest. I can tell this girl has something wacky going on, but I don't have the strength to reject her advances. What should I do? Thank you so much and go fuck yourself? Stop going out to the club with them or fucking rub one out before you go out or don't drink when you go out there. Yeah, that's going to blow up. That is going to fucking blow up in your face. But who's kidding who, man? That type of shit happens all the fucking time. All the fucking time. Married women will come up to another guy and say that they're attracted to him. I mean, there's all this shit out there now about guys behavior and that type of shit. You know, Women do it all the fucking time and they say they're better at it. I don't think they necessarily are. I think what the thing is is that just women are into vengeance. So, you know, they, you know, if you get like something like that going and if the end. If they don't get a fucking check for a million dollars in a house, they're gonna try to do something to blow up your life. That's what they do. Guys. We walk away. Fuck you, bitch. And we just, we generally speak and we just, we walk away. They. They don't. They burn down your fucking life. So dude, there, first of all, break up with the fucking chick you're with now and go find somebody else to fuck around with, all right? You don't need to be fucking around with your buddy's unhappy wife because you're never going to be able to trust her. All right? You're just not. And then you're going to lose your friendship for 12 years with this other guy. All right? This is basically like your dicks in Congress right now, like filibustering. You know, your dick has the floor right now. That's what the problem is. If you just sit down, okay, and you listed all the pros and cons of doing this. If you were where I was at right now, sitting there, the answer is easy, don't do that. Don't do that. But when you're in it, and your dick is there. All fucking logic goes out the fucking window.