Guest/Co-host (3:02)

I can still do the show, right?

Bill Burr (3:04)

And then I got all achy and I was like, what the. I thought, then I thought. I thought it was just this three week thing. It's like I was coming out of this. How's getting worse? So then my legs were achy and then I said it. I'm taking an Epsom salt bath. Maybe that'll. I don't know what make my legs not ache, but I got like a stomachache. I don't want to get in that hot water.

Guest/Co-host (3:30)

Jesus Christ, people.

Bill Burr (3:31)

I was just throwing against the wall at that point. And then I get in the tub. I was in the tub for like five seconds and then I just wretched. And I said, oh, no,

Guest/Co-host (3:44)

No. Oh no.

Bill Burr (3:47)

And then that was it. I got out of the tub and oh my God, just puke my brains out. And then immediately felt better. Immediately felt better. So I said, all right, that's what that was. But by then I was. And I've been coming out of it the last couple of days, so I'm still feeling a little queasy. I'm not gonna lie. That's why I'm queasy. I'm queasy after tuna sandwich. How many fucking times. I always feel like if you get fucking food poison, it's always tuna. Everybody fucking loves tuna. But I just, I don't know. I'm not a big fan of tuna fish unless it's cold. Like a tuna melt is one of the worst sandwiches I've ever had in my life. There is just like warm tuna. That's enough to make me. I don't want to be gross here. It's disgusting. That and Kentucky Fried Chicken, both of those things can go themselves if they're hot. But cold. Forget about cold. Kentucky Fried Chicken. I'll eat a whole fucking bucket. I'm fine if I eat that shit when it's hot. I don't know what's going on with the grease over there at kfc. I really hate how they, they're ashamed of what they're doing over there. Kfc, Come on. Kentucky Fried Chicken just sounded like it gave it. Like it gave it, like status. Kfc, like some fucking bootleg mixed martial arts fucking league. NBA, aba, ufc, kfc. It's Kentucky Fried Chicken. Kentucky Fried. I remember as a kid, I didn't know what? Kentucky. It sounded cool to me. Kentucky Fried Chicken. God damn it. Kfc. You know, the older you get, Sears Roebuck just becomes Sears. Then it goes out of business. Kentucky Fried Chicken becomes kfc. Dunkin Donuts is just Dunkin's now. Those are the things they talk about, getting older. This, like the stuff that bugs you. That fucking makes you feel like you don't fit in the world anymore. It's stupid shit like that. Then you just become that old man, hey, let's go to Dunkin's. And you're across the street going, donuts. Dunkin Donuts. Then they come up to you, whoa, what are you talking about, mister? When I was a kid, it was called Dunkin Donuts. Wait, Duncan's used to make donuts? I thought it was just coffee. No, they had donuts. They did miles of them, all different flavors. They just totally abandoned that. That just reeks of a fucking CEO coming in, trying to cut costs. How much is it?

Guest/Co-host (7:07)

Well, the. What's.

Bill Burr (7:08)

What's the profit on the coffee?

Guest/Co-host (7:12)

You.

Bill Burr (7:16)

I went to the original Dunkin Donuts in Quincy, Mass. Quincy. Quincy. And I went in there and they had an. Like a. What do they call that? When. When they bring. They bring in, like, you know, half the staff. Not a ghost staff, a shadow staff, A fucking. That's what they have with the donuts, trying to spread them out. Whatever happened to that guy, the bald guy with the mustache, trying to make the donuts? And he'd get up and he'd fucking make the goddamn donuts. I'll tell you what was amazing, is people ate those donuts. And as fat as they were, they were like medium fat. They weren't like this fucking hippo fat.

Guest/Co-host (8:04)

Big game.

Bill Burr (8:06)

Big game, you know, that used to be a thing when I was a kid. Hunters would go over to Africa, big game hunting. They go over there and shoot lions and elephants and shit like that, you know, they came back and they'd fucking brag about it and they'd have the heads hanging on the wall and all of that. I don't know what happened. Then all of a sudden, people got as big as those animals over there. It's a long flight, you know. Hunger Games comes out, gives you some fucking ideas. Did I just stumble on a new conspiracy theory? Are the super rich hunting the super fat? And then do they put their big heads, their big fat heads on the fucking wall? You know, only for it to be exposed later and then redacted. And then we bomb a country you know, is that gonna happen? Dude, that's when you know, that's when you know you have fucking made it in the power game. In my game, you know, the stand up or whatever. You know it when. When you. When you start selling out comedy clubs. I know all the kids now, they want to do theaters and fucking arenas. That shit didn't even exist when I was. It was a. It was the comedy club. You sold out a comedy club. You made it. If you could go around the country and sell out comedy clubs wherever you went, I mean, that was like fucking amazing. And then I don't know what the fuck was my point. I was talking about Hunt, okay? So being like a power person, that's a whole different game. This is this when you know you made it in the power world. And I don't give a fuck which tree you climbed up, the red one or the blue one, it all ends in the same place. Sociopaths, fucking narcissists and pedophiles. You know when you made it to the top, when some shit that you did is coming out and the only way to get out of it, your own country will go to war to protect you. That's when you're like, dude, I have got some juice. Sir, we're gonna. We're gonna prosecute you. You're gonna proxies prosecute you for X, Y and Z. It's probably not a good idea if you try to do that. We're gonna bomb a fuck. A lot of people are gonna die if you try to get me. And I gotta tell you, like, that's a bad message to send. The same way I feel like young comics today aspire to do arenas, you know, I don't think that's a bad thing to people in the power game. Be like, I want to get so powerful that when I create something that poisons half of my own countrymen and that information is coming out, my own country will then bomb another country to keep me out of the noose. I mean, that's amazing. That is like, I saw this thing that this person was talking about the other day. It was like, deep, but it was scary. Was talking about how power is in so few people's hands and they've like transcended to the point where, you know, whatever you want to run, this amount of people, you want to run that you want to run a country, you want to run the planet. Now, now they want to be God and they want to like, that's what these robots are about, that they just want to have like, you Know, because we're annoying with our needs and our rights, you know, and our opinions. That's all. Like when you get to that level of money and like, power where your buddy has an island and you're doing God knows what on it, like, the second somebody just looks at you. And after you. I don't know what, after you go to one of those Bilderberg meetings and then somebody comes and has a difference of opinion, it's like, offensive to you. It's like. It's like they farted in an elevator. Like, what the. Who the. What the fuck is that? Get rid of that. I don't want to deal with that thing. It's really amazing. I'm kind of excited. Like, you know, after this shit, when you die, like, I hope there's something after this that just explains what all of this was. I don't need to fucking go to some fucking spa for the rest of my life. What are that stupid afterlife heaven and hell and all of that. Just, you know, just give me. Just explain what the fuck that was. That's why I love that you've seen that. That petsmart thing that that kid did, which, by the way, is like such that. That fucking guitar riff and the drums, I mean, that's. It fucking rocks that. That kid who goes, is it pets smart or is it pet smart? Are you saying that pets are smart? Are you saying you're a march for pets? I need answers.

Guest/Co-host (13:37)

Which one is it? And it can't be both.

Bill Burr (13:40)

Like, I feel like that song, those lyrics transcend what the fuck he's talking about. You could say that about everything from Epstein island to the petsmart to turning your own food supply into poison. I need answers. Which one is why would you do that? I would say, why would you do that? Like, that's my whole look at, like this fucking AI. It's like, why are you doing this? Nobody is asking for this. Why is there. Why are there self driving cars? Nobody asked for those things. Nobody wants any of this shit. Like, just go to those fucking nerds in silicon. Silicon, right? I kept calling it silicone. Silicon leads to silicone. After you make your billion dollars as a nerd, you marry a whore There not saying everyone with fake tits is a whore. Do you think women who want bigger boobs resent fat guys that have bigger tits than they do? Like, it's kind of weird that, like, if men eat, we can get bigger tits than women, and then women want big tits, but if they eat, they become like, they get a big ass. Like, why why wouldn't it just go to their tits?

Guest/Co-host (15:06)

Another one.

Bill Burr (15:07)

I need answers like, this is the shit. These are the qu. Answer my question. John McEnroe, the question.

Guest/Co-host (15:20)

Jerk.

Bill Burr (15:21)

I love when he called him a jerk because, you know, he wanted to. You wanted to call him a motherfucker. But he's like, all right, this is still tennis. This is on television. I got to be careful here. I'm doing my first row dates this week, man, and I'm going to fucking Texas, baby. Biggest goddamn state down here in the lower 48. I'm going out there. I'm going to Houston, Texas. Smart move. I'm going there in March before it gets super hot. Great food, great people. Then I'm going to dirty ass Austin, Texas. I'm. You know, whenever. Whenever I picture Austin, Texas, I always picture a white dread playing hacky sack. That's what the. It was when I first used to go there. It was a dirty, dirty ass city. It was weird. It was a college town, you know, but it was a dirty ass city. There was a lot of dirty people just walking down the street, you know. Definitely had the anarchy vibe. A lot of outdoor people, but it was always a fun town. Good barbecue down there, too. So I'm looking forward to both of those. I'm doing that south by Southwest thing out there and. Yeah, and then I got Utah and then I got North Kakalacki. After that, I think going to a couple of Bruins games, which should be fun. My Bruins won the other night. Both goals scored by defenseman. Who was it was Mason. No. Yeah, Mason. Laura. I got the first one and then they tied it up. And then we won an overtime. The 3 on 3 with David Posternach anticipating. Was it Castellik who got the puck? I don't know. Passed it up to him and then he passed it to a streaking Charlie McAvoy for the goal. I don't know.

Guest/Co-host (17:41)

We've been.

Bill Burr (17:41)

We've been like, win some, lose some. We win, we lose. We win, we lose. Ever since the Olympic break. So still, definitely a fun team to watch. How about the other day, the Thursday. The Thursday afternoon. Thursday afternoon, just before Friday. Monday morning podcast. How about that? Rick Middleton, Nifty. The great Rick Middleton, number 16 for the Boston Bruins. He was that guy. You should watch a highlight reel of that guy. That guy's goals were absolutely gorgeous. Like, it would turn. And he played in the 1980s, which I would say was the second golden age in hockey, because I'm sure hockey purists would talk about those Years when every other year, Montreal or Toronto would win it up until 67. And then I don't know what happened to the Maple Leafs. I don't know what the fuck happened, but it's insane anyway. The 1980s was the perfect balance of finesse players and enforcers. The size of the players and then the pads that they were were still those, you know, they weren't made out of that hard plastic. So you can only hit people so hard. That's why in the 90s, when the equipment improved and they were still playing by the old school rules, guys careers would get ended. When people, when they were, like, following through on a shot and a certain someone, that was his move. He would wait for you to follow through with your shot. He would come by and clip you right in the jaw with your shoulder, and you would helicopter around and it was a. It was like getting hit by a bus. But anyway, All right with that. Let's get into the advertising fluid. Quo, man, if your team is still operating like a group chat with commitment issues, that's a problem. Nothing kills momentum faster than an opportunity slipping through the cracks because everyone assumed someone else was on it. Eventually you look at the chaos, sigh and think, let's fucking quote. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U, O. The smarter way to run your business communications. If your business is still running, like a game of telephone gone wrong, scattered messages, missed calls, who's handling this? It's time to fix that. A modern comms system is like handling your team. Hand it, hold. Wait. It's like handing your team a GPS instead of a treasure map drawn by a toddler. Oh, geez. If I had a dime for every time a toddler threw me a treasure map. Everyone stays aligned, nothing falls through the cracks, and at some point you just say, all right, let's fucking quo. And that's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo. Quo, the smarter way to run your business. There, I read it verbatim. Are you happy in all capitals yelling at me in the copy? What did I ever do to you, Quo, Why don't you relax? Let's quo relax. Nerds. Bunch of nerds came up with this stuff.

Guest/Co-host (21:15)

Just relax.

Bill Burr (21:17)

In fact, all nerds fucking relax. Learn how to talk to other people. Stop building fucking robots, all right? Learn how to talk to a human being. Just because you don't know how to talk to a human being doesn't mean you have to replace them. The rest of us like human beings. And by the way you are a human being, you dumb fuck. Go watch Frankenstein anyway. Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2, with over 3,000 reviews built for how modern teams work. That's why more than 90,000 businesses, from solo operators to growing teams, rely on Quo to stay connected, professional, and consistently reachable. You know what? There's never going to be a better time to be a ghost than when, after these nerds get rid, they look at 90% of the population as obsolete.

Guest/Co-host (22:12)

They have their robots.

Bill Burr (22:13)

Get rid of us, phase us out. Whatever they say, you're going to want to be a ghost. Not to haunt, just to watch the fucking show. And watch those robots gradually kill the fucking nerds. Oh, my God. It's almost worth killing the other 90%.

Guest/Co-host (22:33)

All right, that's why.

Bill Burr (22:34)

All right, I said all that shit. Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. No more missed messages or disconnected conversations. Everyone sees the full thread, making replies faster and customers feel genuinely cared for. It's easy. Calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all live in one clean view with full context at your fingertips. Your team communicates faster, stays aligned, and delivers a more personal experience. Make this the time where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try quo Q U O for free. Plus 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.comburr. that's quo.comburr quo. No missed calls, no missed customers.

Guest/Co-host (23:21)

Oh, my God.

Bill Burr (23:22)

Look who it is. It's him. Erectile dysfunction doesn't mean your love life is over. It means it's you. Just. You're having a rebuilding year. You dumped your dick at the trade deadline. It means it's just getting started. With personalized treatment options to help you take back control and spontaneity thanks to daily meds. Daily meds? You walking around taking Viagra all the time. You're fucking ready to go through hims. That's like when the Nazis were taking, like, methamphetamines and they'd be up for three days. It's like your dick is just fucking stuck staring at a tree line waiting for its wife.

Guest/Co-host (24:07)

You know, the wife to come home.

Bill Burr (24:08)

All right, through hims, you can access personalized prescription treatment options for erectile dysfunctions if prescribed. HIMSS offers access to ED treatment options ranging from personalized products to trusted generics that cost 95% less than brand names if prescribed. You know, I don't want to be an.

Guest/Co-host (24:32)

But if.

Bill Burr (24:33)

If we're talking about my dick, I'm going to go with the. The name brand, all right, I'm not going to get the Chevy Biscayne, okay? I'm getting a, you know, I'm getting a Bel Air for my dick, right? All right. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. Him brings expert care straight to you. Straight like you standing up at attention, saluting the flag with 100% online access to personalized treatments that put your goals first. This isn't a one size fits all care that forgets you in the waiting room. It's your health and it goals put first. Hey, if you have a bigger dick, do you have to take more erectile dysfunction, do you got to take more? You know, is it like tranquilizers where something that would knock me out a fucking horse could, like, brush it off with real medical providers making sure you get what you need to get results. Think of him as your digital front door that gets you back to your old self with simple 100% online access to trusted erectile treatments for erectile dysfunction. My dick don't work, man. And more all in one place. To get simple online access to personalized affordable care for ED, weight loss and more, visit hims.com I love that they do weight loss too. You're going to get a flat stomach, your dick standing up, you got a full head of hair. All you need is some veneers. You could host a award show. That's hims.com bur for your free online visit hims.com burr featured products include compound

Guest/Co-host (26:16)

drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restriction and important safety information. Actual price will on depend the better the product and subscription.

Bill Burr (26:29)

The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time, scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment. If you missed the podcast, you should definitely check it out. Quite, quite, quite the thrill to talk to him. So anyway, I feel like I'm finally getting to the end of this. This goddamn virus thing, whatever the hell it was. I mean, I've had. I've had this for three weeks. Man. So I don't know. I don't know. I was doing well too. I was going to the gym, everything was going well. And then just something always just comes along and kicks you in the balls. That's another question I would ask, like, why does that always happen? That would be funny to ask God. Just questions like that. He's looking at you like, don't you want to know, like,

Guest/Co-host (27:48)

how it all

Bill Burr (27:48)

started and the meaning of life and all that? No, I want to know why the, you know, if I went to the gym like two, three weeks, all of a sudden that I would get like, sick or like, you know, I'd hurt myself. Like, how come that always happened? Why does that always happen? Like past a certain age, it was almost like life won't let you get in shape past a certain age. Like, no, you. Fuck you, okay? You've lived long enough, you've procreated and we are phasing you out. You are the older model. You will not be going to a Mecham auction. I bet in the future though. In the future, when these fucking nerds and these billionaires do away with all of us, which is clearly what they're on their way to doing, is getting rid of the middle class and there's going to be, you know, 1 percenters and everybody else can go fuck themselves and they're totally going to get away with it because people are going to continue to be racist and homophobic and nationalist every fucking thing that plays into their hands. I mean, I don't think it is in any way, shape or form a surprise that the disparity in wealth right now and all of the crazy shit that is happening is on 10. And so is racism and nationalism, homophobia and all of that, because those are the tools that they use when they're about to go do some fucked up shit. That's just my opinion. What the what? Hey, hey, what do I know, huh? Well, you know what? I'm just a guy sitting in some sweatpants who puked his guts out two days ago and is trying to figure out what the hell I can eat. That's that. They don't. That's all I'm doing. Anyways. I started watching an amazing movie on the Criterion Collection. It's a three hour movie and I got kids, so it's. It's difficult to. I gotta finish watching it. It was called like Drive My Car or something. I gotta get. I think it's a Japanese, Japanese movie and I'm about an hour and 15 minutes in it. I Can't into it. I can't stop thinking about the movie, wondering how it's gonna end. So that's what the I'm doing tonight. I'm gonna watch the rest of that goddamn movie and. And then I'm gonna. I'm gonna take my ass out to Texas. I remember how excited I was the first time I went to Texas. That was like something. As a kid, you wanted to go to Texas because you thought everyone was going to be a cowboy riding horses. And. And then you get there, it's a bunch of people dressed like cowboys riding around pickup. And most of them live in, like, condos or have to deal with, like, an hoa. You can't be a call yourself a cowboy if you're dealing with the fucking hoa, you know, if you can't wear your fucking spurs around your goddamn property without some goddamn HOA person coming over telling you, you know, asking you about

Guest/Co-host (31:10)

that hitch you put on the back of your truck.

Bill Burr (31:14)

I can't imagine, like, why people would ever get involved with an hoa. The one thing you know, if you're lucky, you move into a neighborhood, there's a couple, two or three families that you vibe with. I'm not saying you don't like the other families. It's just you don't have anything in common, you know, Especially when you have kids. Like, your kids got to be roughly the same age. So this, you know, there's something to do there, right? And then there's all of the other, you know, there's philosophies, the way people raise their kids. Some people are hands on, some people are hands off. Some people are fucking lunatics. So you got to figure out, you know, you got to figure out the spectrum that you fit into, right? And then what's great is if you move into a neighborhood and there's no fucking hoa, then if you meet some people you don't want to deal with, you don't have to fucking deal with them. You get it to an hoa, it's like the biggest fucking cunt. Not only do you have to deal with them, they tell you what to do. Start talking about your fence.

Guest/Co-host (32:30)

I don't know.

Bill Burr (32:32)

Looks most of what I learned about an HOA I saw on the Internet. So a lot of it is just the confrontations, but always seems to be some broad coming up telling you what to do. Dude, it's fucked. It's really fucked up how so many people handled, like, a position of just a little bit of power. Like, if you ran an HOA Wouldn't you want to be fucking cool

Guest/Co-host (32:58)

once

Bill Burr (32:58)

you just, you know. Hey, you know, I'm not trying to be a dick, but you might want to just move that barbecue away from the. That's as hard as I would go. You always got to come up and be like, I'm not trying to be an asshole. That fence, we have a rule here.

Guest/Co-host (33:15)

I know it sucks.

Bill Burr (33:18)

I hate to be the guy to tell you this, but they can't go. They got to come in there with, like, fucking, you know, like, they got FBI written on the back of their jacket.

Guest/Co-host (33:27)

Let me see your heads.

Bill Burr (33:28)

Like, that's their vibe. Fucking relax. Yeah, I was six hours on the Internet a lot, which is not a good place to be. I saw this video where these cops are pulling this guy out of a car. He's going, I'm a paraplegic. I'm a paraplegic. You could hurt me. And they're going, stop. Stop at yelling at a paralyzed guy. Stop what? Telling you I'm a paraplegic. Just fucking. I don't know. That's another one. That's another question. You want to know, like, how the fuck does that happen? How does somebody say, I'm a paraplegic? I mean, all right, maybe they're lying, because anybody can say that, but once you see the fucking skinny legs, I mean, what are we doing here? What are we doing here? We'll be back after these messages. I'm not going to lie to you. I can't remember who the fuck we played. We blew. We, the Bruins. We blew the game to the. We beat the Capitals, then we blew the game to the Penguins. And then who the fuck did we beat the other night? We beat him in overtime. Who were we playing? It wasn't the Rangers, the Islands, the Devils, the Sabers. Wasn't anybody from Canada do. It wasn't Minnesota. Oh, the Kinks. We played the Kings. Wouldn't you know.

Guest/Co-host (35:02)

Oh, dude.

Bill Burr (35:02)

How about Kopitar? That made me sad. I love that the Bruins all went out and shook his hand and everything. Class act.

Guest/Co-host (35:10)

What?

Bill Burr (35:10)

He went, two cups, 1500 games. They did a whole thing about him. They were saying the odds of playing in the NHL was like something like one in a million. And then playing, they just kept upping what it was. Playing 1500 games in the NHL for the same team was like 1 in 350 million. And then to do that from whatever country he's from, considering he's the only NHL player ever from his country, they were like, basically, he is one of One. Oh, that's what I was going to say. In the future when, when, when these lunatics phase out all human beings or they're just banging robots at that point. Like, I think that they'll buy like at a Mechum auction, they'll be selling one of us for them to, you know, just every once in a while, like, you know, where, you know, all the, that we eat is processed and all of that crap. And every once in a while somebody comes over with the tomato from their garden. You know, you're like, oh my God, is this what the world used to be? You know, I feel like they're going to do that with human beings. They'll have like all robots and then every once they'll just have like, oh, that. No, that was my theory. They would keep some of us alive to keep reproducing so they could keep harvesting our organs, you know, so they could continue to live forever so they don't have to meet. See, that's amazing to me. That actually reminds me of

Guest/Co-host (36:59)

this Mickey

Bill Burr (37:00)

Rourke movie with Lisa Bonet. What the was that movie called?

Guest/Co-host (37:09)

I forget.

Bill Burr (37:09)

It was a good movie, though. So basically the movie was this guy had sold his soul to the devil, this musician or something, and then he figured out a way how to get out of it. And what it was, was he had to. He had to eat the heart of a live person. Like, rip it out of chest and eat it. And then that person's soul would go into his. And that, not only that, he wouldn't remember who he was and then he wouldn't remember the contract and then he wouldn't have to go to hell. I swear to God. Like, that was, that was the thing. So I feel like with these super rich people, they're going to want to live forever so they never have to face a God that's going to like, God can't judge you until you die. So at that point they got to be really worried about slipping and falling. But then here's the thing. Like, you're not going to outdo God. All he has to do is be like, oh, okay, so you figured out how to air quote live forever. Did you ever hear of the dinosaurs? You remember what happened to them? Well, guess what? You dropped to World War II. I'm fucking gonna take your fucking nod and I'm dropping my second one and a asteroid's gonna come and take all those out. And then what? Because you. Basically, they're ruining. If you're a religious person, they're ruining God's work. But if you play by the numbers, you look at these psychos and you realize they are part of God's work. And then you got, you know, I need answers, right? Like, why would you make people like this? Like, everybody just needs to fucking relax and chill out and stop trying to take everything just for yourself. Everybody fucking relax. It's plenty of food, plenty of water, plenty of places to live. If everybody just like relax, it's all good. How you doing? You good?

Guest/Co-host (39:36)

I'm good.

Bill Burr (39:36)

Everybody? Okay, cool. I don't get the fucking manifested hysteria of this time, other than the fact that very few people are trying to take a lot anyway. And with that happy thought, I'll fucking see you in Houston. Anyway, that's the podcast. Enjoy the music. Picked up by the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

Guest/Co-host (40:10)

And that's it.

Bill Burr (40:12)

Have a great weekend, your guts and I'll see you on Monday.

Guest/Co-host (40:14)

Is this train the Frankfurt special? Ain't this outfit something special? Well, we heard rumors from the bases. Frankfurt girls got pretty faces. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 12th. March 12th. A very important day in the history of March. That was the day, that was the first day Slash ever wore a top hat on stage. Or was it Abraham Lincoln? Or would you say that those the most famous people who ever wore a top hat right? Now, did Lincoln just get shot while he was wearing one? So that's how everybody always draws him. I don't know, I feel like you got to be a certain height. That's. That's tall people, you know, to have a top hat and tails, you know, is there anything funnier than seeing somebody short wearing tall people? You know, like when you went to your prom, that little 5 foot 6 inch fire plug showing up wearing the tails, looking like a little goddamn penguin. Do people even wear tails that even have problems anymore? Is it considered unsafe? I know that they're supervised and that they started to fucking book comedians at them. And who's kidding who? I guess they always should have been, especially if you have a daughter. Speaking of ladies and ladies. Ladies get in for free. They never talk about that when they talk about equal pay, huh? Ladies night. Leave your money at home and bring your snatch because you're not paying for shit, right? They don't talk about that, do they? All the nightclubs, they get in for free. For free. Actually. What they really mean, don't they really Mean, beautiful women. Beautiful women get them for free, you know, mediocre to ugly women. Then they just start going like, hey, you know, we're. We're kind of full right now. And what does that do? That causes a movement.

Bill Burr (42:44)

I went to a club the other night and they said it was full and it wasn't. You know, I know that because all of a sudden these other women who, yeah, they were skinnier.

Guest/Co-host (42:54)

Yeah, they had better bone structure. Yeah, they were better looking.

Bill Burr (42:58)

And they wouldn't let me in. They let them in. That isn't right.

Guest/Co-host (43:05)

When are people who aren't good looking just going to admit that they're not good looking and just realize that they're going to have to walk through another door in life? It makes you stronger, you know, I'd love to have sympathy for you, but I'm a bald redheaded male, so, I mean, you're fucking preaching to the choir, you know? You think the club wasn't full when I showed up? Boo hoo. Make me my own room. This is the fucking poor me era of human beings as we ignore real, real, real shit. Real shit that's going on. What kind of real shit is going on, Bill?

Bill Burr (43:43)

I don't know. I don't pay attention.

Guest/Co-host (43:47)

I know there's got to be something more important than fucking bathrooms, right? Where you got bathrooms? Pick one. Sorry. Anyways, plumbing ahead here. You're probably wondering why I'm in such a weird, fucked up mood. I'm really not in a weird. I'm in a good mood. This is me in a good mood. I cleaned up my office. Finally, finally put things in their proper place. Found a lot of shit that I thought I lost or misplaced or even forgot that I even had. Now a minimalist will be like, well, that's. That's what you need to get. You need to get rid of all this. You need to get rid of those. Where does it go there, minimalist? Into the ocean? Into a dump? Okay, stop acting like every post that you have out there, you're gonna go sell on Craigslist and someone's gonna want to buy it. Okay? Isn't it more environmentally sound to be hoarder? Rather than sending all your shit to the dump, poisoning the soil, you have it contained within your own apartment or house or cabana or guest house, depending on your living situation. You can't tell me ever since OJ that when you're in a guest house, you can't, you can't be the guest and think, what if the fucking person who owns this kills their spouse and somebody else who happened to be there. Wait, am I gonna be the person who happens to be there? All right, note to self, the entire time I'm a guest in this guy's house, just make sure I'm always where I'm supposed to be. How will I know where I'm supposed to be? I'm just gonna avoid this fucking guy and pay the rent on time. That's what O.J. did. A lot of people talk about the bad that he did, okay? Which is pretty obvious at this point. But the good that he did is, I think, the behavior of people in guest houses. I bet if you were able to chart it, if you had an algorithm or whatever is these number cruncher crunching people do, they would find that the behavior of the Cato Kalins of the world dramatically improved after O.J. you know? Well, I guess you can't say he killed those two people. He was acquitted.

Bill Burr (46:21)

It's fucked up.

Guest/Co-host (46:22)

How the fuck are you supposed to say that? I. You know, I don't. I think I just talked myself into a corner.

Bill Burr (46:25)

Look at the bird.

Guest/Co-host (46:26)

Look at that fucking bird out there. You know, a lot of you know, I'm just sitting there looking at that fucking thing.

Bill Burr (46:34)

How that fat.

Guest/Co-host (46:35)

That bird just flew the way it just did. I think it's all about the legs, I think. Yeah. You know, I bet if you got a fucking really skinny person, right, had a beer belly and they had little bird legs, nah, it still wouldn't work, would it? You know what? I bet you could get him to try. If you talk to him long enough. If you talk to him long enough, you know. Come on, dude. Look at you. You're shaped just like a bird. And you're smarter than that fucking thing. Give it a jump. Come on. Um, sorry. Anyways, this is Sunday afternoon. Uh, I just put my absolutely darling daughter in the other room for a nap. So I got the fucking Big Brother camera going here. Where the fuck is it? Ah, shit. Where the fuck's the camera? God damn it. I just fucking had this thing. I was killing it. I had everything going the way I needed it to be going. Oh, there it is. There it is. What is she doing? Oh, she's sleeping. Rock up by Cutie in the other room. Something, something. And I'll get a broom, clean up all the shit that fell on the floor, and then you'll come out and do it some more. Oh, dad, can you stop singing your nerd songs anyways? You know, it's fucking amazing is I'm Getting my Invisalign off. Allegedly. Just like OJ Allegedly. I'm getting my Invisalign off this Wednesday.

Bill Burr (48:05)

I can't wait.

Guest/Co-host (48:07)

I'm on train number 13. It was projected to take 16 weeks, but I had these in the whole time. I did. I did my half of my stand up sets. I left them in spitting all over the stage. I just wanted to get it over with, right? That's a big thing in life when something sucks. Just get it over with, okay? You, you get tossed overboard in the ocean, you know what I mean? You see that shark fin? Don't swim away from it. You swim at it head first. Get it over with.

Bill Burr (48:46)

What do you say there, sharky?

Guest/Co-host (48:50)

Anyways, I'm getting my Invisalign off and then they give me a mouth. God. So for the rest of my life, when I go to sleep, I just pop in the mouth guard and then I'm fine. And the will stay the same. And, and it's also cool because, you know, occasionally I will grind my teeth at night because I'm a lunatic or I'm stressed. I don't know what it is, but it's something I've done ever since I was a little kid. So anyway, so it all worked out. It all worked out. And I highly recommend it. And they're not paying me to tell you guys that Invisalign is the. But it's the, you know, considering what they used to do, put all that barbed wire in your mouth, you know, then God forbid you got into a fight. It was just like you were a bleeder. All someone had to do is just punch you right in the mouth. I went playing. We were playing kill the man with, not kill the man with the ball. That's what we used to call that game. You just pick up the football and start running and half your grade would tackle you. And then you just coughed it up and someone else got it. It was fucking great. We played it. We played it every day, outdoor recess. Just about you'd come in, you weren't even sore. Your body was brand new. You had a big puffy coat on. That's all you needed. So we were playing football one time, and it was right around time junior high, when kids started getting braces. And I remember this kid, Sean, he got somehow hit in the mouth. And when he got up, like the wires that go from like, you know, you know the. On each tooth they had like a, like a little central hub where the wires would go through and like the thing had like popped off the Wire popped off. Those things are still glued on. That's right. And he had, like, two wires sticking straight out of his mouth. I remember him getting up, like, making this weird noise, and he was bleeding. And we were all just standing there like,

Bill Burr (50:44)

somebody get applied.

Guest/Co-host (50:47)

But now they got Invisalign, and it's tremendous. And you, too, and 13. Well, it depends on how fucked up your teeth are and how much you're willing to wear them. Because I know somebody else that's getting them and doesn't want to wear them all the time. So she's given into the fact that it's going to take, you know, like a year and a half or some shit. And she's like, why wouldn't you get it over with? And she was just like, why wouldn't you just fuck off? And I was like, fine. Hey, fair enough. Fair enough. Who am I to tell you how to fix your fucking dentition? All right? I'm just, you know, I'm excited. I want other people to be excited. Hey, here's something to be excited about. I finally watched. I watched two Bruins games this weekend.

Bill Burr (51:28)

Yeah,

Guest/Co-host (51:31)

I finally saw Rick Nash playing with the Bruins. Big physical presence, Scored a goal on Saturday. Now matinee game. Those games usually suck, right? Because their fucking team's tired. They're just waking up. They used to, like, they're still shaking off a hangover, and all of a sudden they're dropping the puck. There's a bunch of kids there and shit. It feels like. Feels like a charity game, you know? It doesn't feel like the season, but they played a wild one on Saturday, seven to four. They won. They were up two to nothing. Looking like it was gonna be nice smooth fucking time. And then the Hawks gave a steal right there, Fred. Then it was 2 to 2. I can't remember. 3, 2, 3, 3, 4. 3, 4, 4, 5, 4, 6, 4, 7, 4.

Bill Burr (52:12)

Right.

Guest/Co-host (52:12)

I think that's what it was. And then today, like to fucking. You know, I thought we were gonna. We tied it up. I thought we had the goddamn thing one. And then Charo, I don't know, the Patrick Sharp took a stick to the face from Chara semi. Get Char in the box for four minute fucking major for the rest of the goddamn game, right? A double miner, I should say.

Bill Burr (52:31)

And then,

Guest/Co-host (52:34)

of course, they go out there and fucking. It reminded me when we lost the Stanley cup to him.

Bill Burr (52:37)

We were like, oh, there is going to be a game seven.

Guest/Co-host (52:40)

No, there isn't. It's over. They did that. Fucking Patrick Kane. Jesus Christ. Guy's a sniper. So I'm going to try to watch some more of the games. But I mean, I've watched so many fucking games in the last 10 years that it didn't feel like I was away that long. And I still knew most of the team because I've been watching, looking at the stats and all of that. So I don't know, I guess I'll try to. I don't know. Now that I got the kid, man, it's just. It's hard, man. I haven't been able to watch my Celtics, my Bruins, you know, Patriots are easy because it's like once a week, you know. So anyways, I'm just, I'm meandering right now because I'm waiting for the. All the reads and all that to come in because as always, I have 50,000 things I have to do today. Even on a Sunday. This is a day of rest. Even God rested on Sunday. I'm working harder than God, people. I shouldn't have said that. You know, this person sent me this, this, I don't know, this thing where this guy was convinced that I was possessed by Satan. And his eye for cinematography was incredible. The way he was breaking down something that he did, he got every fucking thing that we were doing right. He just had the motivation wrong. He was like, this is hypnotic. They're trying to hypnotize you. It was all to serve Satan. And it's like, no, it's not to serve Satan. It's so I can sell tickets. The reason why there's no crowd shots is because I feel your brain resets every time they cut to the fucking crowd. And then you got to try to draw them in again. When you go to a fucking stand up show, you you're not looking at the comedian and then turning around looking at people laughing every fucking eight seconds. That would be a shitty experience. So I'm trying to recreate the live experience. That's all I'm doing. I'm not trying to serve, you know, the guy down under. All right, with my stand up special. I do that effortlessly, the way I live my life anyways, but it's this YouTube video. This guy's comparing, like he goes, look at the P90X. Look how they use black and white. And they do all this was really. It was really insane. My favorite part was when he told his kid to knock it off.

Bill Burr (55:00)

I'm like, all right, he's a good dad.

Guest/Co-host (55:02)

Hey, knock it off. But, yeah, anyways, you're gonna get that, right? I guess if you put a special out, you're gonna get some shit like that. Who gives a fuck about my stand up specials? You know, it was awesome. Last night I stayed in with my lovely, beautiful, gorgeous wife and we hung in and I started to watch Peaky Blinders. I don't know nothing about no Warp, right? She's like, I don't want to watch this. All right, Bill, you're white enough. I have a difficult time, enough understanding. You forget about these fucking people, right? So I was like, okay, fair enough. So then we were scrolling through and I looked for the Nice Guys once again. Netflix, can you make my year and get the Nice Guys starring Russell Crowe and Jesus, how could I forget this guy's name? The guy from Drive. The guy from La La Land. I'll remember it later. I always. The fuck is his name? He's fucking hilarious in that movie too. You know, fuck this. Hang on a second, I'm gonna hit pause. I gotta get this guy's name. Sorry. Ryan Gosling. They're fucking hilarious in that move. Ryan Gosling's hilarious. Russell Core was hilarious. It's such an underrated comedy. And it reminds me of one of my favorite comedies of all time, Midnight Run. As far as I feel like the comedy, so much of it, their reactions and the way they're doing things, it's. It comes from a real place. I don't mind wacky, I don't mind absurd or any of that bullshit, but I fucking love that movie. And so I looked it up, and for whatever reason, Netflix has every fucking movie just about on their streaming service.

Bill Burr (56:56)

The biggest streaming service in the world.

Guest/Co-host (56:59)

World, right. But they don't have that one. So I'm like. And then we scrolled down and then they had Thelma and Louise. And I was just like, man, I have not. I have literally not seen that movie since I saw it when it came out in the movies. And, oh, is that a great fucking movie. Fucking great goddamn movie. And it still holds up. And now with all this MeToo shit, you watch it now and it's. It's more relevant than ever. And every guy in there was just this piece of shit hitting on him. Like the guy who plays Geena Davis's husband, Christopher McDonald, He Fuck. He fucking steals every scene that he's in. Like, you gotta. You gotta watch it again. When they tell him that his wife might be involved in her murder, he just goes, what? Wait, wait, what? Just the way he. I'm gonna. I'm butchering it. He's fucking hilarious in that Movie and we watch it in the end, you know, I don't ruin the ending for people who haven't seen it, but, you know, anything that you know is a little nod to Vanishing Point. You gotta love that. Have you ever seen Vanishing Point? That's one of the first, like, anti hero was during that. Not the first, but during that era of the anti hero. Like up until then, I guess with movies and shit, it was always like, you know, the guy with the white hat and who's kidding who, the white skin was always like the fucking hero. He was always trying to do the right thing. He didn't rob, he didn't steal, and he was a fucking hero. And if you stole and you were a piece of shit, you wore the black cat, you were the bad guy. You know what I mean? I would say that they put minorities in those roles, but way back then, I don't even think they did that. They just had like. They even had white people playing, like Native Americans and Asians, even Asians. I remember that when I posted that thing from fucking Hawaii 5o and they had that fucking white dude and they did something to his eyes to try to make him look. He just looked weird, which was really strange because they had all those. I don't know if they were Asian Hawaiian, what the fuck they were, but I mean, they had plenty of people who weren't white on that show. I don't know, didn't make any sense. But anyways, you gotta love Jack Lord's Mercury marquee. I like the first one he had the 67 that he had, or the 66. That was a mean fucking looking car. Anyways, but we sat, we watched that movie and it's still. It's just. Still holds up. Still fucking holds up. This is the time when usually I would start doing some reads, but I don't fucking have any Thelma in my reads. Oh, Jesus, Bill, why would you make such a bad fucking joke? You know, I can't even sign into my fucking Gmail right now. I don't know what the problem is. Oh, Instagram. I'm instinct. I'm inching closer to getting on Instagram. I figured out what my password is. And now they're like, yeah, there's been too many fucked up attempts to get into your account. I'm like, all right, that was me. But there's nobody to say that to. So they go, we're gonna send this fucking code to you. Then they never send it. Well, who's kidding who? They sent me something back in September. And I never fucking responded. So now I think they're looking at my, you know, my account like it's fucked up or some shit. I have no idea. But anyways, who gives a shit? Enough about that. Oh, so thank you to everybody who. Who came out to my shows in Vancouver. Jesus Christ, did I have a good time. I had such a fucking great time performing up there. Such a beautiful city and all that. And this woman started running down to the stage. She was yelling something about how lesbians were better at something. And I was just like, what? I don't know what you're talking about. And, you know, and I was being an asshole, you know, making fun of all that Me too. Shit, you know, just, you know, feminists, they're just so easy to get mad. How do you not do it? It's just so fucking tempting as a comic. So I'm up there just saying this fucking ridiculous, ignorant shit and everybody's laughing, including all the rest of the women there, because they know what I'm saying is so fucking ridiculous. They know I don't believe it, right? But nowadays there's. There's always the, you know, Franny face value in the fucking crowd, right? Gotta fucking take everything. Like, did he mean that? Now I'm offended. Now I'm offended. So I don't know what the fuck she was doing. She started, like, marching down towards the stage and all this security came and just got in her way. And next note, next thing I knew, she was being escorted out, which sucked because that meant the fun was over. I heard people. I had some friends who came out to the show. They were trying to. People walking out saying that she was a plant. How funny is that? Like, I got that kind of time and money to fly an actor up to Vancouver to interrupt my show. It's just like, at that point, wouldn't I just hire somebody to write me better material? Who knows? I don't. I have no idea. I don't know why people always think that. That's such an old showbiz thing to have a plant in the crowd. But people used to do it. They did used to do it. So I guess it's fair that they. That they. That they think that. But anyway, so she got kicked out. I never kick anybody out of the show. It wasn't my call either. They just fucking escorted her out, which I thought was funny after. I mean, I kind of felt bad. I was like, well, you know, would have been fun if she stuck around. I could have heard some more of her fucking crazy theories. You know, I don't know. I don't. There's this. And I had. I had another two women walked out of my show when I was down the improv. Now, if I was some sort of thinking man, I would be like, well, hey, Bill, that's two incidents in one week. Maybe it's you. But, you know, I really don't think it is. I just think that the. The extreme left are out of their fucking minds now, and they have this thing where if you. If that there's only one way to think and it's their way, and there's only certain subjects you can joke about. And if they don't think that you should be joking about it, that they're. They're just gonna really. Just behave like children. It was funny when they got up and walked out when I was at the improv. Like people were gonna care. I don't know. Hey, you know what? You know what? It's just the world that we're living in, huh? Just this overly sensitive fucking time that we're living in. So anyways, the fuck am I gonna get these reads? Hey, did you see? Trump is gonna go talk to Kim Jong. They're gonna go hang out. So I actually looked up the story, right? I looked this story up. Let me see if I can find this shit. And my first thought when I saw that picture side to side is like, you know, Trump gets way too much shit for his fucking hairdo. The picture they have on the Google News, his hair looks good to me. You know, I think it was bad for a long time where he had. He did have a comb over, but since then, hair plugs got way better, and I think he filled it in. But he likes having the big swoop and thing because I think that's part of his look. But I think that's all his hair. But whatever. But Kim Jong Un's haircut, however the fuck you say. Jesus Christ. I don't want to sabotage this meeting, but, my God, he has, like a Joseph Stalin meets Mo Howard with a little bit of John Travolta, all in the same. All in the same fucking haircut. It's incredible.

Bill Burr (64:53)

Really is.

Guest/Co-host (64:54)

It's like the kind of haircut like a wrestler, you know, would have. They wanted to make a splash like, oh, my God, who the fuck is this guy? But anyways, imagine the balls of me just sitting here fucking completely bald, sitting there, trashing these people's haircuts. I gave Trump a nod. I don't think it looks that bad. Compared to what? Compared to what I'm fucking dealing with, I guess. Although I think I look better than, hey, well, let's do that. Let's do that on the Photoshop. You know, when they go, who wore it best? You know, do a fucking Trump me and Kim Jong Un and just vote worst haircut and fuck all you assholes

Bill Burr (65:36)

who pick me just to be cunts.

Guest/Co-host (65:37)

I respect it, but fuck you too. All right. CIA Director Mike Pompeo has defended Donald Trump's decision to meet North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, saying the president understands the risk. I actually think it's fucking great that he's doing this. This should happen more. Go talk it out before a bunch of people fucking die, you lunatics. He said. Mr. Trump isn't doing this for theater. He's going there to solve a problem. The spy chief told Fox News Sunday. It's funny. He's a spa. A spa. A spy. And he's going on the fucking news. The president has said the summit could produce greatest deal for the world. What else would he say? He's been saying that that's how it got him in the office. Everything's great. But critics have warned that if the tops talks go poorly, the two nations will be in a worse position than before. It's the political gamble of the 21st century. The tricky task of preparing for the Trump Kim summit. Why is everybody so like, why is it better that the two of them don't talk? Said no sitting US president has ever met a North Korean leader. Mr. Trump reportedly accepted the offer to do so on the spot when it was relayed by South Korea. South Korean envoys on Thursday, taking his own administration by surprise. Let me ask you this, please tell me they're not going to meet in some fucking Italian restaurant in the village, okay? And if any point Kim Jong Un says, I need to go to the bathroom, all right, you better. You better have something down by your ankle. That's all I'm saying anyways. Attempts to negotiate aid for disarmament deals have failed repeatedly since 2003, when the north pulled out of the Nuclear non proliferation treaty. Mr. Pompeo told CBS the administration had its eyes wide open to the challenge of dealing with North Korea. I gotta be honest with you. I don't understand what the fucking problem is.

Bill Burr (67:39)

Like, why are there.

Guest/Co-host (67:40)

Do we have, like, economic sanctions on them? Is that why their people are starving? And we have that on them because they were part of the communist expansion? You know, there's gotta be a better way to do it. We got, you know, economic sanctions We. Why don't you go the other way? Why don't we ever go the other way and just become like the fucking. You know, just be like a good shit, you know, fight the guy to the super bowl, get him some whores, you know, Then he doesn't want to blow this place up. Yeah, I can't fucking blow that up.

Bill Burr (68:09)

Yeah.

Guest/Co-host (68:09)

I go to the football game, I got my dick sucked. What are we doing here? I like those guys, right? It's like when the Bruins and the Rangers hated each other and then they all played on the same team and they went and they played the Russians and all of a sudden the rivalry fucking died. That's what you do. These people, they got. They got to hang out, you know, I don't know how good that'll be for the rest of us because then they'll probably like join forces. I have no fucking idea. So I don't read the news. I mean, it's Princess Diana's iconic Minefield walk. What the fuck is this about? How slow a Newsday is it that they're gonna bring this shit up? I mean, that was like she died what, 97. Rosa Parks. Before Rosa Parks, there was a 15 year old girl. From hero to big friend. Is Bernie Sanders running for president? Five women, five countries, five babies. That sounds like a bad movie, doesn't it? The man Brussels can't stop. Brussels can't stop talking about. That's the winner right there. Who's this guy's Brussels can't stop? The man at the heart of the Brussels saga. Saga. I have no idea what this is about. The European Commission has denied allegations of cronyism after a protege of its president, Jean Claude Junkner, was given one of the most powerful jobs in the EU civil service. Yet everybody hooks everybody up in politics. Martin Cell Mayor has been appointed Secretary General General of the Commission. Not Martin Satan Mailer Cell Mayor, the organization that monitors whether countries are sticking to EU's rules, dreams up new laws and runs the Brexit talks day to day. Who is he? He's a 40 something lawyer. Who gives a fuck? This is why I can't pay.

Bill Burr (70:05)

Who?

Guest/Co-host (70:05)

Who cares? I don't care. I actually stopped caring in the middle of that. All right, I guess I have to hit pause at this point because I don't have any of my fucking advertising or any of that bullshit. What else can I talk to you about? Oh, you know what? My fucking shoulder is doing great. I did yoga for 20 minutes before my shoulder was like, you know, getting a little like, hey, Take it easy there, huh? I got weightlifting going again a little bit. I got to get in shape. Girls, you know the pink. Oh, my God. You had a girl. One pounders. I got the baby blue fucking five pounders. And I don't know, at some point, I'm going to work back up to the iron. But at this point, all my. All my weight training with the shit I grabbed looks like it's made out of play. D'oh. But I'm fucking psyched because I told you guys, you know, I'm turning 50. I don't know if I brought that up 50,000 fucking times, but I'm turning 50 in June, and I'm gonna get into the best shape of my life. That's what I plan on doing. That's my plan. Whether I do it or not, I have no idea. Not the best shape of my life. Best shape of my fucking, like, the last 10 years. Because no matter how good a shape I get in, you know, the parts are 50 years old, right? You know, they always try to say that shit. You know, they used to do that shit where it's just like, you know, I did a test. You know, I'm 50, but my fucking legs are 40. It's like. No, no, they're not. Those are your. Those are all original parts. Okay? Unless you lost a leg and then they stuck a new one on there when you were 10, then that leg would be 40 years old. The prosthetic. All right, that was negative. All right, let me. Let me hit pause here. All right? And I'm back. That was half a second in your life, but all right, I guess. Oh, geez. We got a new advertiser here. Okay. I just realized I left the monitor in the other room. I don't want my daughter to wake up without me. All right, hang on. All right, you know what? She's still sleeping. And I just realized that it's not 4:15, it's 5:15. So I need to wake her up. I hate having to wake her up, but I got to do that or else she's gonna throw her all off. All right, I gotta hit pause again. Hit and pause again. All right, I'm back. He's back. All right. I was all set to launch into why Postmate sucks as I finally downloaded it onto my phone, the app, and I was like, all right, I'm gonna do what all the kids are doing. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Fuck Adobe and order the food, and some fucking kids gonna show up, and they haven't. You know, they can't fucking ring a doorbell anymore. They're sitting there, they're texting you that they're outside of the house, knock on the fucking door. So anyways, I've used it twice, same place, okay? The first fucking guy say I said I that I live on fucking 9,000,858 Main Street, North Main Street. He went to the south main street. He's just like, oh, bro, I'm nine miles from your house, bro. What the fuck, dude? It's not how he talked. He was actually a good. And I. I sat there blaming myself going, I probably it up. I just signed up about all this and turned out I didn't up. I put my right zip coping in they they up. I still tipped the guy right. I gotta need to be liked. He was a good guy, whatever. So I ordered it again, same fucking place. And I'm waiting and I'm waiting and then I'm looking and it says it's going to be here at like 6. And I'm like, fine, you know, but I can't negotiate it. And then, I don't know, I hit something and it said, oops, there's been a problem. Your order can't go through. So I was just like, you fucking fuck. Postmates and all this. And I ate something else. And in the middle of prepping that, the doorbell rings and my order came. So I don't know what I did. So I apologize to Postmates for all the shit I just said about him walking around my house. Evidently I fucked it up. I went back to some other screen. All I knew is I couldn't tell if I ordered it and had gone through. I don't know. You know, it doesn't take much to fucking, you know. Sorry, I'm typing my password. I can't fucking think and type at the same time. It doesn't take much to throw me off. That's all I'm saying. All right, so whatever. Postmates is fine. Okay.

Bill Burr (74:33)

All right, bill.

Guest/Co-host (74:34)

Tour dates 2nd and 3rd. Late shows added to some of these dates. Oh, nice, nice, nice, baby. Boo boo boo boo. Oh, Billy Big Head's got a tour he's doing. I'm gonna be In Kitchener, Ontario, March 7th. We added a late show. I'm sorry. March 17th. Oh, St. Patty's Day too. Raul and the Green Alligator and the Something something and the Long neck goose. Conor McGregor and a something. All right. Tulsa, Oklahoma, March 30th. Where? San Antonio. We added a show mark. March 31st, we added a late show in Pittsburgh. April 6th, we added a late show in Cincinnati, April 7th. As I go through the fucking NFC, AFC Central, the old AFC Central Division, Nashville, we added a late show, April 21st, San Francisco. I'm there the May 14th, 15th, 16th and 17th. 17th is the only day with tickets left. Look at you fucking guys showing up for the bald, freckled cunt. Thank you. Then I'm doing the 3Arena in Dublin, Ireland. And then I'm doing Royal Albert hall in London, England. Can you believe that? If you fucking think that I'm not setting up an old Ludwig kid there during the fucking day and playing a bunch of Zeppelin when the place is empty, you don't know me. I'm gonna do that unless they tell me I can't. Then I'll be like, oh, sorry, didn't mean to offend the Queen, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to say. Added a late show in Minneapolis on June 29th. We added a late show in Seattle, July 15th. What other ones? What other ones? All right, whatever. You'll see all this shit. You'll see all this shit where I'm gonna be at. Oh, man. Oh, this is going to be a fun year. It's going to be a fun year. All right, enough of me fucking drooling over all those great places. I get to perform at Boston Sports. Hey there, Billy Russell. Do you think Boston is the type of city that could have supported two teams in any sport? Do you think it's something it could handle in the future? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, we had that opportunity way back in the day. We had the. See, we had the. The Boston Braves and the Boston Red Sox. The Braves ended up leaving. Um, I don't know. I don't know. I gotta be honest with you. I don't know how the Brooklyn Nets did it. Where all those people out there were Knick fans. And then all of a sudden the New Jersey Knicks move out there and it just says, Brooklyn. And everybody just jumps on the bandwagon and says, fuck the Knicks. I don't get that. Especially if you're a long time suffering Knicks fan. And then what if they win it? You know, even if the Brooklyn Nets win it, it's not going to be the same. You didn't. They showed up during your life. You know, that's like the second wife. You don't love her the way you love the first one because the first one went bad, I would think, right? I don't know. And then, of course, we had two football teams there for a minute. We had the New England Patriots and We had the Boston breakers in the usfl. I went to a game against the Washington Federals at Nickerson Field. No, I don't, I don't. You know, this is the deal. We don't need more than one team in every sport the way New York does to try to fucking win some championships. I'm telling you, the fucking New York Yankees are the sugar daddy of New York City. That's the reason why New York City is not looked upon, is one of the most pathetic fucking sports towns ever. Just considering the amount of titles versus the amount of fucking teams. You know, the Knicks haven't won it forever. The Nets have never won. The Mets haven't won in 30 something years. The jets haven't won since Super Bowl 3. Who else? The Knicks, you know, the Knicks since what, 73? The Rangers have won once since 1940 and they're going on a 25 year drought again. They're about halfway through that fucking curse again already. Just like that. They went 54 years the last time. They're almost at the halfway point of. The. Giants are decent, Giants are respectable. And also they did it by, you know, some Giants also won some NFL titles too. So. But what kills the fucking city for me, aside from my blind hatred of them, is the fact that, you know, you can just go, oh, what about the Giants? Because you already have the jets so that you don't have to have the jets hanging around your neck. Ah, the fucking Mets. Oh, what about the Yankees? You know, I mean, they always have like a fucking option. So, yeah, I don't know. And I gotta be honest with you, I don't understand how the Clippers fucking survive. But they do. They do. I just don't see that happening in a city like Boston. The size of it and the, the ridiculous loyalty that you would bring a new team. Like who the fuck would you bring in there? I mean, everybody hates us at this point and everybody's talked shit about us. So what are you going to, what are you going to move there? The Jaguars, The New England Jaguars? Would you put them out in Worcester, change their name? The fucking Worcester Wildebeest? I don't know. Former vegetarian and anti weight lifter. Dear Billy Bison thighs, heard you talking about lifting weights with Kenny Aronoff. Can I just read that sentence again? Heard you talking about lifting weights with Kenny Aronof. How fucking awesome was he on the podcast? I can't believe I got to meet that guy. Really glad you understand the benefits. I was a vegetarian who only did cardio for five and a Half years. I recently started eating animal fat again and I feel a lot better. I'm not going to preach against vegetarian vegetarianism, but the mental benefits of those types of cholesterol is complete. Improved my hormone energy and cognitive levels. I only eat grass fed meat and try to eat in the morning to improve brain function. Also, since I started lifting weights once or twice a week, my upper body feels better than when doing, when doing basic tasks around the house and yard. What's your take on red meat? Are you picky where it comes from? Nah, dude, I'll literally, I'll eat a cow that ate another cow. I don't have, I don't have the patience. There's a butcher you know, couple of towns over I guess I could go to. Sometimes I go there, but generally speaking, I don't know what I'm eating, but I try to eat as well as I can. What's my take on red meat? It's fucking delicious. You know, I start to read up on all of that shit and it just gets so fucking depressing. So I try, I mean, and then you go through. They just say it's grass fed. Okay, so it's grass fed. Everything says it's fucking organic. It isn't organic. It's got a bunch of crap put in there. Like the system to monitor what's in your food, like most systems at this point is so corrupt. I don't, I don't know how to. I don't know what to do. But yeah, I'm actually, I will go back to lifting weights. I don't think I'm going to do like bench pressing. I'll do it with dumbbells. For some reason, with dumbbells I can control the angle independently on both shoulders and I don't have a fucking problem. But bench pressing is for young people and I am not young. All right, Vermont gun laws bill. I'm from New Hampshire and I always found it fascinating how lenient Vermont's gun laws are. Here's a basic rundown of how Bernie runs things and why he's always careful around the gun law conversation. Minimum age to purse, purchase and possess in Vermont. Vermont allows any person age 16 or older to possess a handgun without the consent of a parent or guardian. There is no minimum age to possess a rifle or a shotgun in Vermont. Vermont law allows firearm sales to anyone 16 years or older. Thanks. All right. Well, I really don't have a problem with any of that. I just have a problem with people who are mentally ill getting them. That's the Problem. And nobody on either side seems to know how to stop that from happening. You know, the guys, the fucking people who buy guns keep making this. This guy made this whole video showing how like this, this rifle he had had a bullet twice the size of an AR15 going. But this is the, this is the friendly gun. Nobody's scared of this one. And it's got a bolt twice sip. It's. Yeah, but it's not fucking semi automatic. It can't. You know what they're saying? You know what they're saying? Everybody's just gotta fucking just sit there and act like they don't understand. What the f. Doesn't everybody want this shit to stop? Somebody, for the love of fucking God, just come figure out how to fuck. You can't be a fucking nut job and just walk in and get a fucking gun. That's the fucking problem. But people who like to buy guns, they don't want it to be extra difficult for them to get the fucking thing because they're not nuts. So. Which is crazy to me. I don't, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but watching both of those arguments, they're talking about two totally different fucking things. One side just like get rid of

Bill Burr (84:35)

all of the guns.

Guest/Co-host (84:37)

Stupid. Guns are great. Guns do great things, okay? They, they. You can defend yourself with the gun and you can provide. You can hunt with the gun, okay? You can scare somebody off with the fucking gun. There's great fucking things and then there's bad things you can do with the gun. It's a hell of an invention. Hell of an invention. All right. Wife unable to grow the fuck up. Okay. Hey there, Billy. Sad old sober ball sack. Now I'm not sober anymore. I got a rack of Bud Talls sitting in the fridge. I love a Budweiser every once in a while. And it can. Takes me back to when I first got shit faced down in Faneuil Hall. Been a listener for a few years. Actually. I was drinking Micheloblight that night. I'm a particular. I'm particularly a fan of the way you look at sensitive topics like religion. Not everyone is able to question the fact of why all other religions sound silly like our own. I love that. That bit on your special. Well, thank you. You know, and as much as you loved it, somebody else thought I was a servant of Satan. Now for the question. I'm a guy on my early 30s. You mean in my early 30s, married, with a beautiful two year old daughter. Congrats on yours, by the way. It's a Wonderful thing, being a father. Yes, it is. However, my wife routinely gets nostalgic about her teenage years. She's unable to get a steady job, keeps changing topics at school.

Bill Burr (86:02)

School.

Guest/Co-host (86:03)

So she attends a certain course for a couple years, gives up heads on to the next one. I was hoping becoming a mum would help, but it looks like it hasn't. Recently, she's even been asking how upset would I be if she told me she was cheating. What the fuck? That's a hell. She has apparently been watching some fucking show on Netflix where the protagonist is a chick that cheats to feel free and young again, isn't it? It's just women. I swear to fucking God. I swear to God. Do you know if they ever put a show on the fucking air where a guy was cheating on his wife to feel free and young again? The amount of fucking attacks that that goddamn show would get. You know, this is one thing that I have learned. Generally, when it comes to women, okay, if you fuck up, it's your fault. Okay, it's your fault. If they fucked up, it's because of something you did. That's kind of how it works. I told her I think that's bullshit. I can go out on a guy's night out, smoke a cigar, drink some alcohol and have a fucking great time. And that's basically more than enough for me. Unfortunately, I have also found out she's been trying to engage in conversation with her first big crush. Oh, boy. Dude, like I. You know, you don't have to be a genius to read these tea leaves here, man. At least the way you're presenting it. So what's your takes on this? What the fuck do I do with this woman? We're planning on having a second child, but honestly, I'm not sure if it's a good idea. It's fine for me to stay with my daughter and she can fuck off if that's what she wants. I almost think you have to tell her that. Find out first. What's just be like, what's going on with you? You're asking me how I would feel if you cheated on me? You're watching this show where this woman's cheating and you're having conversations with your first big cr. Okay, I need to know what's going on. Are you going through a phase? Because if this fucking thing's over, it's fucking over. I'm not having another kid with you. And I wouldn't get upset the way I'm getting upset for you to say it. I would just put it Online, like, what's going on with you? And I don't know how much I would trust her, listen to what she has to say. And before I have another kid with that person, I would fucking. I would hire a private investigator to follow around to see if she's not fucking somebody else. No, I wouldn't. But you should. By the way, he said I'm doing very well professionally and have also some hobbies that keep me entertained. Having a daughter certainly takes a toll on a relationship. I'm guessing she's had. She has too much free time and maybe consequently feels neglected. We do try to watch a show every now and then, and we go out as a family regularly on the weekends. Sex life is okay. Not sure if we can blame this situation on me. Thanks a lot. Well, God knows she's gonna. I mean, what man doesn't feel neglected too when they have a kid? I mean, your sex life does suffer, you know, should you then go out and you know, do something to feel free and wanted? Yeah, you need to sit down and talk to her, find out what the is going on. And I would just tell her what you're doing. And the way you're making me feel right now is not even remotely fair. And it's not something I would do to you. So what the fuck? Just clean that up. Say it in a nice way, Man. That's fucking annoying. There's a show out there where a woman fucks around to feel free and young again. Listen, here's the thing, all right? It's not that I even fucking mind that show because I believe that there are people out there. Like, there's people out there that they're just not designed to be married. There's people out there that can actually do that, and it doesn't mean shit to them, both men and women. And they can just fucking walk back in. It doesn't mean shit to him. The problem is the person they're with. It means something to. So I'm pretty fucking open minded. But I'm just annoyed that if you made, you know, did they, I guess was Californication like that? I have no idea. I never watched that show. I couldn't get into that show. I didn't get what this guy's problem was. Ah, man. You know, these fucking young chicks just want to keep banging me. I'm supposed to feel bad for this guy? Anyway, friends wife is attracted to me. Jesus Christ. Dear Billiard, the cue balled the cue balls. I like that. Appreciate the podcast and everything you do, and thank you for taking the time to read this email. No problem. Thank you for the funny nickname. I like it. I'm in a tricky situation here. There are four people involved. My buddy of 12 years. Oh man. His wife of two years. Dude, where's your loyalty? My girlfriend of six months and myself, we are all in our mid to late twenties. Oh boy. It has recently come to light that the wife is interested in me. Oh, geez. You just skipped over a lot of fucking details. How did that come about? She said you have Valentine or you guys having inappropriate conversation that led to that. Anyways, I met her about three years ago while she and my buddy were still just dating. She was my type and I was drawn to her immediately. She is at least a nine for my taste, but I just put her in the unobtainable compartment in my brain. Since she wasn't available, I did not give her any additional thought beyond being cordial. I didn't really care to get to know her and I didn't think about what it would be like to date her, though if she had been single, I would have gone after it. All right, so so far, according to you, you've been a good guy. Fast forward to the recent past. My buddy's wife and I got to know each other on a bit more of a personal level on my birthday a few months ago, my girlfriend was there too. And it seemed like my bud's wife took an interest in getting to know my girlfriend as well. Since then, the four of us have hung out a few times and the wife has gotten to know me a lot better. I've also been hitting the gym, which has gotten the attention of my buddy's wife. Ah, Jesus Christ. All right, they've been married two years. You're 20 in your late 20s. So she's looking to pull a ripcord. Where the was I? Okay, so one weekend, a group of people, including myself and my buddy's wife go to a club. My girlfriend was invited, but decided to go to sleep instead. Obviously, alcohol was flowing and there isn't much room on a dance floor. I'll spare you the details. Dude, what do you mean spare me the details? It was just getting good.

Bill Burr (93:36)

Fuck.

Guest/Co-host (93:37)

What the fuck? This is like a Cinemax movie. I'll spare you the details and suffice to say that I learned that night that she was into me. When What? She was doing the running man on your dick?

Bill Burr (93:50)

I don't know. What?

Guest/Co-host (93:51)

Okay. I was pretty overwhelmed and thrilled because I thought she was a bit out of my league. I'M also. I'm also am not the happiest in my relationship. What makes it harder for me to sort out my feelings on the matter? This girl excels in the areas that my girlfriend doesn't. I certainly am very attracted to her and enjoy this type of attention. I didn't know if she was unhappy in a relationship or what. I've tried to see what this girl wants or if there's a problem with her marriage. But she has had a lot of dodgy answers like I wasn't looking for anything or this isn't supposed to go anywhere or I'm perfectly happy in my relationship, etc. She also has a hard time committing to any boundaries. I'll fuck this chick. Fuck this chick. Or maybe she just got drunk and said something stupid. It all sounds like bullshit to me. I think she is lacking affection from my buddy and she's bored and horny. She also sounds like she just doesn't want to admit that there's a problem. She's trying to have the security of a marriage and the thrill of a new romance. We haven't kissed or anything yet. Big word yet. But I feel like we've already desecrated both of our relationships. I also feel like any increased fun talk about and the tension will eventually reach the inevitable breaking point. Yeah, you got to stay away from her. What should I do? My girlfriend will lose a shit if she hears about this. My buddy will be really unhappy. I think you flip those. I think your girlfriend will be unhappy. Your your buddy will re lose his shit anyways. And I already feel like I couldn't trust this girl if we did get together. However, I don't really care. I just love to hook up with her. I can. Well, it's honest. I can tell this girl has something wacky going on. But I don't have the strength to reject her advances. What should I do? Thank you so much and go fuck yourself? Stop going out to the club with them or fucking rub one out before you go out. Or don't drink when you go out there. Yeah, that's gonna blow up. That is gonna fucking blow up in your face. But who's kidding who, man? That type of shit happens all the time. All the time. Married women will come up to another guy and say that they're attracted to him. I mean there's all this out there now about guys behavior and that type of shit. You know, women do it all the time and they say they're better at it, but I don't think they necessarily are. I think what the thing is, is that just women are into vengeance. So, you know, they. You know, if. If you get, like, something like that going, and if the end. If they don't get a fucking check for a million dollars in a house, they're going to try to do something to blow up your life. That's what they do. Guys, we walk away. Fuck you, bitch. And we just. We generally speak, and we just. We walk away. They. They don't. They burn down your fucking life. So, dude, there, first of all, break up with the fucking chick you're with now and go find somebody else to fuck around with, all right? You don't need to be fucking around with your buddy's unhappy wife because you're never going to be able to trust her, all right? You're just not. And then you're going to lose your friendship for 12 years with this other guy. All right? This is basically. Like your dicks in Congress right now, like filibustering. You know, your dick has the floor right now. That's what the problem is. If you just sit down, okay, and you listed all the pros and cons of doing this. If you were where I was at right now, sitting there, the answer is, easy. Don't do that. Don't do that. But when you're in it and your dick is there, all logic goes out the window. So, you know, I. I don't know. I. I just, you know, I. I would just. She said there's nothing else to it. I would leave it at that. And if she brings it up again, I would just say, look, you said there was nothing to it, okay? So I don't want to hear any more of that kind of talk. I already. You can't hang out with her anymore.

Bill Burr (98:20)

You can't.

Guest/Co-host (98:20)

You cannot fucking hang out with her unless that dude is there. And if this guy's really your fucking friend, by the way. Wait a minute. If this guy's really your friend, you know, you wouldn't be thinking about doing that. And b. Oh, man. I don't know if you tell him. I. I don't know if you should tell. I wouldn't tell him. It's. It's a mess. You know, A woman would. Women would. Women would initiate the conversation and then turn around and, you know. Yeah, don't tell him. Don't tell him. That's a stupid idea. Because she'll flip the story, start crying, he'll feel bad, and he's going to choose her over you. Dude, you got a situation. This just so many ways that this can go, and none of it's good unless you just walk away. Walk away. Go back to the room. Go back to the room.

Bill Burr (99:09)

It.

Guest/Co-host (99:10)

It's that moment in when you're playing cards where you just gotta admit you're not gonna win tonight. Just cash out and go back to the room. That's what you should do. Jerk off to her. As much as you want to get it out of your system, go find somebody else that you like that makes you not think about your buddy's wife.

Bill Burr (99:27)

How about that?

Guest/Co-host (99:27)

There. There we go. But I'm sure she just wants to feel free. All right. I know I was a little bit of an asshole, but what are you gonna do? All right, that's the podcast. Once again, thank you for everybody that came out in Vancouver, and I'm going to be in Ontario coming up this weekend on the 17th. Wherever the I'm gonna be. I came up because with an L, I think it's up on my website, billbird.com. that's the podcast. Go find yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Around wheel singing on the long flat track? Water busting the blowing stack? Towns and villages flying by? Fly by, fly by? Well, for all that don't you cry you'll soon get a nice another g Come on train and get the l

Bill Burr (100:22)

out

Guest/Co-host (100:24)

One more day we got to sweat out frantic FR at the station we're ready for a celebration. Sa. Come on training and get to let out One more day we got a sweat out frantic frolines at the station they're ready for celebration Go special, go blow the flow Brave bird special's got a special way to go.