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Monday Morning Podcast
CEOs, Andor, Theater Drama | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-12-25
01:50:54
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- [00:00]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.
- [00:08]
Nia Renée Hill
Woo.
- [00:10]
Bill Burr
How are you? How are you? How are you? I'm gonna continue because I, I did the. I shortened up the podcast because my lovely wife was in town. Thank you for all the birthday wishes. I am fortunate enough to have my health, I have a family and I have a job which a lot of people don't have. And my heart goes out to everybody, especially all of these people that are having their families ripped apart. Like you're watching Roots. These fucking assholes going after all these illegal immigrants. I just don't understand why we want to cause riots in our cities. Why, Like I'm still. I don't understand how, why we're. This is the problem. Like this is the problem. I thought it was billionaires not paying anybody and evidently what we get rid of illegal immigrants in this country and then what? Then what? The Amazon guy is going to become generous and everybody's going to have benefits and the middle class is going to come back. I guess that that's what's going to happen. I have, evidently they're going to get rid of all the undocumented illegal immigrants and then billionaires are going to start paying people a living wage. I got to be honest with you, if you're watching what these people are doing to these poor people who have no money and can't vote, who have no effect on your fucking life, if you think, you know what do you what's going to happen when all of them are gone? Like, what do you think's going to happen? Do you think that those fucking ridiculous armored car, fucking cop vehicles they have, you don't think that that's going to come towards you? You think that all of this shit that you're fucking co signing on, defunding a state, the United States, Hey, I got an idea. Let's fuck one of them because I don't like the jokes the talk show host made. If you were a football coach, would you go on the field with less than 11 guys? I don't understand. We're a team. It's the United States. Yes, we have differences of opinion. This is just. Unfortunately, this is. All of this stuff is why they used to have rules about ownership of media, that one person couldn't own too much media because you can control public opinion. And the amount of people that actually think that the reason why they can't afford to pay their bills is because of illegal undocumented immigrants. And you see these fucking billionaires trying to be trillionaires with, and you see these CEOs and the bonuses that they take at the end of the year, whether or not their country, their company has made money or not. And why that isn't the problem is fucking beyond me. Like, you know what's amazing to me about these fucking CEOs is anytime people bitch about their company, right? What do they always, they always blame the shareholders. They always go, well, you know, we, we wouldn't, we would try not to pollute the water, but our shareholders just, they're giving us pressure to make money, right? That's what they say. But then somehow the shareholders never have a problem. At the end of the year, when these CEOs are working for a company, whether it made money or not, and they turn around and they give themselves an eight figure bonus, for some reason, the shareholders never say anything. Then it's always amazing how much the shareholders complain when a company is trying to do something for the people. But if it's a fucking CEO, it's totally fine. I can tell you this. If I was running shit, I would not be going after illegal undocumented immigrants. I would be going after fucking CEOs that are giving themselves eight figure fucking bonuses when their employees don't even have dental insurance. The level of greed and the, the shift in power and how few fucking people have it is completely out of control. And what is going on in this country right now is they have. The common man is we're fighting with each other. They're leading us towards ruin just because of their own fucking greed. And they just keep pointing it up. That's the problem. This is the problem. This is the problem. It's never them. And I've been fortunate enough to travel the world and guess What? And all 50 states, people are cool. They're cool. I, you know, go to Louisiana, fucking cool people. I go to fucking California. I live there. People are cool. People are not fucking walking around like fucking demons or whatever the hell they're trying to say, regardless of the color of the state. And the same thing with these fucking countries. It isn't. It's just people at the top with all the money and the power stirring you up. Stop hating your brother and your sister. Stop fucking. You know, or maybe you want to, maybe you want it to, to be as simple as that. Oh, they get all these undocumented people out here and then magically we're gonna go back to a world where one week's pay. You could pay your rent to your fucking mortgage. If you really read up on the super rich, they have never wanted to pay anybody anything. I don't know. I don't know. But somehow, you know, the genius of racism, that's all they got to do is point at somebody who doesn't fucking look like a fucking problem. It's like, no, dude, you're the fucking problem. I don't understand those people. It's like, how can you enjoy your money if you know that your employees are walking around with a fucking toothache or they're laying in bed at night going, I just don't know how I'm going to make fucking ends meet. Who, who would, why would you want your employees to feel that? I don't do these people. They're fucking heartless. All those Shark Tank fucking cunts who like that, they're. They hang their hat on how fucking heartless they are. And what kills me is people who don't have a fucking pot to piss in or health insurance, idolize them. They're not good people. I know they look like you. So you see yourself and you think you're gonna fucking be them. I don't know. Go bring him, go bring him an idea. Go bring him a zillion dollar idea. And you watch who gets the zillion dollars and who gets 10 bucks and who gets the fucking credit. This shit that's going on in LA right now, it's one of the saddest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. And how anybody can watch that and watch children crying as their parents, brother, sister, anybody's being pulled away, watching a 12 year old be fucking handcuffed while a male officer of whatever ICE is, is frisking this person is insane. I saw a video of a woman trying to get to her apartment and this cop shot a fucking rubber bullet at her. Like, what are we doing? What the fuck are we doing? Would this, this is making America great again. Starting a civil fucking war. I just, I don't understand it. I don't understand it. I can tell you this. I respect all of you guys, Republican or Democrat, and we are all on the same team. This is the United States of America. Please do not let sociopath billionaires for their own fucking profit turn you against one another. I, I got no beef with any of you. I don't. All right, there you go. I'm off my stump. And with that, I, I got to go do another fucking shelf. So I'm gonna be doing this in, in Pieces. All right, I'll see you. Did another Glengarry and The Glen Ross two shows today. Glengarry and Glen Ross. 20 more shows to go. Get your tickets now. Final date is January 28th. Um. What the hell was I babbling about? Oh, yeah. Illegal immigrants. From the people who poisoned your supplies comes. You know who the problem is? Illegal immigrants. Did they do that? Did the illegal immigrants poison your food supply and then partner up with the pharmaceutical fucking business to try to treat the ailments that they then created and infiltrated the FDA so they could pass all of this shit on both sides of the aisle? The food and the medicine. Are they the ones who did that? I don't know.
- [09:29]
Nia Renée Hill
I don't.
- [09:30]
Bill Burr
I don't think so. All right, we got some questions left over from the. From the podcast there that I did on Monday. I didn't get a chance to read these, so here we go. Glengarry says, hi, Bill. I was wondering if the play has been filmed and will be shown on any of the platforms. I wanted to see it live, but alas, the stars did not align. Thanks for your humor and the podcast. There is talks about possibly doing it. I don't know that it's going to happen. It's. That's above my pay grade. It's. It's being thrown around. We shall see. It could be fun. I don't know. You know, be cool about is if they did film it, it's like that's how they used. They did TV in the very beginning, way back in the 1950s. It was like you just did a play on TV. There was none of the recording them. They just went out and performed, and it was just broadcast. And I want to say that Desi Arnaz was the first one who taped his shows and kept. He kept the tapes. They let him have. The network let him have it because they didn't understand the idea of reruns. So he was the first guy. And then they lost all that money because they gave it to Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball, and then they never made that fucking deal again. That's how that shit works. Every once in a while, an artist will get the suits, and then the suits make sure that that can never, ever fucking happen again. And then they also make sure that they set themselves up where they can just totally fuck the artists 20 ways to Sunday. That's how they set up every goddamn deal. But, you know, once they get these illegal immigrants out of this country, then, you know, people in those positions will no longer be Screwing over artists. It's the number one thing we need to address right now in this country. All right. Retroactive and or commentary. Bill, read an article on screen rant that sounds like a happy place suggesting that your Star wars character Migs Mayfeld not being included as one of the snipers that participated in Andor's Gorman massacre was a missed opportunity to give an additional reason for the character's delusion with the Empire beyond his involvement with Operation Cinder. All of that. That's a lot of stuff. My question is this. If Disney asked to use your likeness to digitally mask one of the unnamed snipers, in that event, no lines, no shout outs, just your face that shows Migs was there, would you let them? Oh, that's such a cute, innocent question. Do you think I own my likeness? They can do whatever the fuck they want as far as I know. I, I don't. You think I have any? Do you think Disney would call me up? Excuse me, the fucking contracts. I'm surprised I didn't have to give him one of my kids. Yeah, you got to go take that up with the mouse. I, I have no fucking idea. That's a very interesting question. That's a very interesting question. All right. Funny sailing story. Oh my God. All right, here. That are the tales from the sea. Hello, Billy Breadfruit. Oh, before we get into that, what about the fucking Florida Panthers losing in overtime, winning Game 2 in overtime, and then coming back and giving him a fucking ass kicking in game three? I don't know what's going on right now. I forget if it's the NBA final or the NHL final. My lovely wife was in town and I lost track of those series. But the Florida Panthers, man, that. They are a unit. They are a unit. I really hope Edmonton comes back and ties up the series, but Jesus Christ, being down in a series against Florida is like, I don't know that that is beyond skating uphill. And then when you're up in a series against Florida, they're like fucking cockroaches. You can't kill them. They just keep coming back, keep coming back. They will not quit until the whole fucking thing is done. And you have to, you got to admire that. It's an unbelievable collection of players that were not satisfied with just winning. They won one. They've gone like three years in a row. They lost the first year, I want to say, to Vegas, and then they won last year and now they're trying to go back to back. I mean, that's incredible to still be playing with that Level of heart is. Is very impressive. But Edmonton, they beat Edmonton last year. That's right. And now Edmonton is back. Oh, man. We'll see. We'll see what happens. All right. Funny sailing story. Hey, Billy Breadfruit. A couple years ago, this really funny sailing story came up where a lesbian couple and two innocent dogs. Wait a second. Where a lesbian couple, parentheses, and two innocent dogs they held hostage tried to fake a survival story. They held the dogs hostage from who? Other dogs. Their dog family. How do you send a ransom note to a dog? I don't understand this. I don't understand this story at all. A couple years ago, this really funny sailing story came up where a lesbian couple, parentheses, and two innocent dogs they held hostage, were they not their dogs, tried to fake a survival story. I guess the plan was to write a book about it afterward and sell the rights to Hollywood. Well, I mean, somebody would have bought that idea. Two lesbians go on a fucking sailing trip. It's. It's like Tom Hanks Castaway Meets the L Word with a couple of dogs. They. That's it. They would. They would buy that. Anyways, it didn't go so well. All right, long story short. They claimed a storm took them adrift. This is what they based everything on. Where everything parentheses on the boat allegedly broke during the storm. Mast, communications, etc. But the storm was made up. It wasn't in the weather logs. It didn't happen. Why didn't they just write the story? You don't have to go out and go fake the story. They're not in the business.
- [16:47]
Nia Renée Hill
They should just.
- [16:48]
Bill Burr
They should have just wrote it rather than faked it. But wait a minute. Now they should make a movie about them faking a lesbian castaway movie. There's your movie. Now it's a comedy. It's like that fucking Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin movie. We say, oh, so bow finger. All right, then they deliberately floated around in the sea for six months with no intention to jerry rig some sort of solution. They stayed out at sea for six months. I mean, this. What they attempted to do with this. This is the movie. They had inconsistent, bullshit answers for everything. You figure six months together they could get their story straight. How tiger sharks tried to eat up the boat in coordinated attacks. Oh, my God. I would have a beer with this couple, but not two. Not two beers. If I still drank, I'd have a non alcohol beer. Okay. And how that prevented them from blah, blah, blah. They apparently had distress beacons, but never used it. After six months, they got rescued first by a Taiwanese fishing boat. But that was not the story ending they wanted and worked so hard for. So they claim the Taiwanese guys tried to kill them. Oh, Jesus, Donald Trump. It's true. It's true. These Taiwanese. Taiwanese sailors, they're eating the lesbians and the dogs. So they claim the Taiwanese guys tried to kill them and they waited for the US Navy ship instead. They must have had food on the boat for six months because they looked as fat and as happy as ever. Complete clowns. Hey, I mean, there's something funny about this shit, though. They didn't shower for fucking six months. But the worst part is how they abandoned their stupid boat in the ocean. That is not something you want floating around out there for no real reason. If you hit 50 foot ghost sailboat during bad weather or in the dark and you do that because two idiots tried to fabricate a story. Not good. Oh, yeah, there you go. They did a Matt Lauer interview. Very funny stuff. Worth a watch. If you think I'm making this crap up. All right, cheers. Good luck with that car model. I mean, them just faking all of that is. That's a fucking movie right there, isn't it? It's at least a fucking Netflix series. I don't know. I was entertained. Wildly entertaining progressive tale. He called the lion lesbian. And then whatever reason you make them, you make them speak in, like, a pirate accent. Ah, we're adrift, but we're still licking our beavers. All right, I don't know what to do with that. I mean, okay, God bless them. You know, it's a tough economy. You got to get out there sometimes and fake your, you know, fake the fact that you're, I don't know, out there doing when you're not really doing it. And then you make it about what you were pretending you were doing. Right? Something like that. I don't know. Cash App. Everybody is paying the entire bill and saying, just get me back next time.
- [20:44]
Nia Renée Hill
Cool.
- [20:44]
Bill Burr
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Or so I believed. After our final performance, we all went to the bar next door to celebrate later that, oh no, I don't like the direction this is going. Later that evening, I planned a quiet celebration with my then girlfriend, a nurse who was exhausted after her shift. So we decided to pick up takeout and have dinner at home. While waiting for the food at the restaurant, I heard familiar voices coming from the other side of the decorative plant. Oh, no. It was the entire cast. I hadn't realized they'd gone out again after the bar. They didn't see me, but I overheard someone raise a glass and say cheers to never having to team up with my oh, parentheses my name ever again. The rest laughed and echoed things like finally and oh my God. Yes. Holy, dude. Oh my God. Like, I. I would have been. That's, like, one of the most humiliating things I've ever heard, he said. I was stunned. I generally thought we were all close. The moment hurt deeply. Dude, that, like, hurt me to read that. Did your girlfriend hear it, too? Oh, my God. I quietly grabbed my order and left without saying a word. That night stuck with me for a long time. Well, why wouldn't it? Holy shit. What the were you doing? 50,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong. Now I'm with you. That is crazy. All right. Eventually, I stepped away from acting and moved into motion graphic design, which I truly enjoyed, and at least. At least until AI replaces me. I guess my question is, if something like that happened to you, if you overheard your peers from Glengarry Glen Ross saying something harsh behind your back, would you confront them on their hypocrisy or just quietly slip away and cry on the ride home like I did? Thanks for taking the time to read this warmly. Go fuck yourself. If I was young, I would have quietly slipped away and cried on the ride home. I don't know if I would have cried, but I would have been fucking humiliated, and that would never have left me, ever. I mean, dude, that's like. That's like an episode. Like, if they're going out of their way to write an episode about something sad that happened, and they just keep getting notes in the script, you got to raise the stakes. We got to keep people. It's got to be more compelling. Well, like, what are the fucking odds you would go there? Not only did they go to another bar and they didn't tell you they're talking about you, and then they toast that. They don't have to. That. That is fucking horrific. What I would do at my age, I would have stepped around and been like, hey, I know this is super awkward, but at least all the feelings are out there. Just so I know, what exactly did I do? And I would make them all answer it. And then if it was something that made sense, I mean, I'm not gonna lie. If everybody didn't like me, I would have to think that it was something that I did. You know what I mean? It'd be like if. If one person said it. But if everybody says it, what? That would haunt me. Like, what the fuck was I doing? Did I have bad breath? Was I talking over people? Was I just too bald and orange? No one wanted to look at me. Like, I don't. That would have. Like, I don't know, man. But I got to tell you something. You're a pretty strong person that you was able to get through that. Wow. What are the odds? That's one of those things that just makes me question whether there's a God that loves us. Like, couldn't he have just made them have gone to a different fucking bar? Did you really need to hear that? Now that makes me paranoid. I'm sure there's a bunch of people that all toasted that I fucking left a room. I just didn't have to hear it, you know. Well, I'm sorry that happened to you. And yeah, if I. I would have done like, don't beat yourself up that you didn't say anything. I mean, that's like. That was shot. Shocking and humiliating. At my age, that would be fucking humiliated. The only reason why I could confront it is because I stand on stage and get got heckled for fucking the last 33 years. So I'm used to it, you know, but at that young age, no, I would have done exactly what you did. So no shame in what you did. I'm sorry that happened to you. My heart goes out to you. That's brutal. And there's no shame in that crying you did on the ride home. That was normal. It's good that you cried it out. Christ, if you fucking held it in, you want to fucking end up being a school shooter? All right, Stay at home beer. Dear Billy. Beverage Burr. Two months ago, I became a stay at home dad. I have two sons under the age of four. Oh, that's got to be fun. You fucking doing WWE with them yet? Taking the cushions off the fucking couch, setting up a ring, giving them the rock bottom. I used to love doing that right with. With my kids when they were super little. I'd give them that finishing move and I was for the COVID 1, 2. And then I'd lift him up. Oh, he's not done punishing him yet. You know, they used to do that. Then of course they would come back and beat me anyway. Especially because they don't go to school yet. They need looking after. Yeah, especially because they don't go to school yet. Sorry, I'm yawning. It's the end of the night here. So instead of bringing the boys to daycare, me and the wife went over the budget and we decided we could do without my paycheck if we just leave the wasteful decadence we've grown accustomed to. I told my boss to shove it. Oh, Jesus. I guess you're not coming back. But here's the thing. I come from the Netherlands, a white people factory where alcoholism is not an. An extra option, but pre installed when you roll off the assembly line. Yeah, you know, everybody talks about Ireland, England and Scotland as far as like boozy, you know, I've done. I've gone to Oslo a couple of times. Those people do not fuck around. They. They drink like the Vikings they are. This person says, we drink to celebrate our victories. We drink to mourn our losses. But we also drink if there's nothing to celebrate or to mourn. Well, you guys would do great in Massachusetts. For both sides of the family, all our friends and neighbors, drinking is normal, expected if we're not at work. Wow, that's like crazy and like a utopia. Anyway, this person says, well, I'm never at work anymore. Oh, Jesus. And I've run into an obvious problem. Around noon, I hear the beers in my fridge calling. I resist until 12:30. And then I strike a deal with myself to drink just one at 12:45. Five hours later, I'm drinking my sixth beer. I never get drunk. I keep a comfortable buzz going. Me and the boys are having the best time. We play soccer and we hang around with the stay at home moms. We dance to Credence Clearwater revival, Elvis and SpongeBob's Greatest Hits. It's literally the best day ever, every day. I'm not gonna lie to you, this sounds pretty awesome. The problem is not the buzz I sustain, but the weight I'm gaining. Drinking so much is unhealthy, and I'm setting bad examples for the fellas. Yes, you are. I want to break the chain of alcohol misuse that has been passed from father to son in our culture since the first fermenting apple. That, and I don't want the stay at home moms to see me as the fat drunk that I am. Because you appear to have such a firm control on your vices. Oh, dude, come on, man. You guys had to listen me try to quit cigars for 12 years. You'd be the guy to ask for advice. How do I keep myself from drinking when every day is a holiday? Thanks and go love yourself. You know what I would do? I would talk to. I would talk to your wife. I would just say, just tell her what you're doing and it's out of control and you want to stop and you need help and just say that, you know, I don't want to fail you as a husband. I don't want to fail them as a father. I don't want to, like, you know, destroy my body and die decades earlier than I would have. And I would reach out to her and then I would go get some help, you know? You know, in the meantime, maybe only have five beers instead of six. Then try to go down to four. Yeah. And try to just sort of wean yourself off. Maybe you can do it that way. And if that doesn't fucking work, then maybe, I don't know, maybe it's time to take it to another level and go to a meeting or something. I feel like, you could do that at night when your wife comes home. I don't know. But the big thing, though, is, you know, that you got a problem. You just have to figure out what level is the problem. Am I an alcoholic or am I on the spectrum? Personally, I was on the spectrum because I went to an AA meeting and I. I was. I was fucking. You know, it reminded me of, like, when I thought I was good at drums, and then I saw a professional drummer play, and I was like, oh, oh, I. I don't do that. That. That was what it was like to fucking go to an AA meeting. I think I did a bit about that on one of my specials where I was like, yeah, I went. I thought I was an alcoholic. And then I listened to a few people share, and I was like, all right, you know, I drink, but these people. Jesus. Oh, that was a joke. Yeah, it was like. I mean, it's. They had stories. Like, it's like, were you in a rock band? You were a dentist. You were doing that, and you were a dentist. Like, that sounds like the Ozzy Osbourne story. Like, what. What are we doing here? And they're like, and that was a Tuesday. You know, like, it was like that. So, you know, I don't know. It just seems like you're drinking every day and just sort of maintaining a buzz. At least you're not getting, like, up there, is that. But I. I think the move is always to reach out and ask for help, communicate. And especially if it's coming from you, that's a big positive. Where if it's like, your wife has to come to you at that point, there's concern, there might be resentment, and then you get defensive, and then there's a fight, and then it gets ugly. But if you sort of acknowledge it, I'm sure she sees all the empties. You know, five a day, six a day. That's fucking. That's a couple cases appear a week almost. Those things will be piling up pretty good there. Yeah, I would definitely reach out. That's. That's. That is. That is what I would do. All right, and with that, that is the Thursday. It's the extended Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. So they both averaged out to about 45 minutes. I know, I know. Guys, just. Just ride with me here, all right? I'm running on fumes, and a lot of my energy, I. I got to put into this play because people are paying a lot of money to see it, and I can't. Like, I can't let them down, you know, so that's it. I got the Beacon Theater this Sunday, Father's Day. I'm really looking forward to that. You know, I'll be honest with you. I. I had a little bit of problems with weed since I've been out here, because I've been. I just been like, lonely as hell. And it was the same way. I used to drink, I used to be on the road, and I would come back to a hotel room by myself, and I would just be lonely. So then I came up with the. Rather than fix my personal life, I was like, oh, I know what I'll do. I'll just stay out and get as drunk as humanly possible. So then when I come back to the hotel room, I just face plant and pass out. I don't have to deal with the loneliness. Then when I wake up in the morning, I can shake it off, go to the gym. And for some reason, loneliness really hits you at night. It doesn't hit you in the morning. So, yeah, like, I've gone through three phases during these five months of being like, like I'm. I'm eating too many gummies or I'm smoking too many joints and like, what the am I. I'm becoming like a pothead. I need to stop this. So now that just like, you know, when you say that I'm. I'm good at this, it's like I am constantly having to assess what the fuck is out of control. If it's, if it's not cigar smoking, I'm drinking too much coffee. If I dial those things down, then the fucking, you know, smoking too much weed or something always comes in. I got the sugar out of my life. Although I did have a. I had a cupcake on my birthday. I like a cupcake rather than a slice of cake. It's smaller. It's the same thing. And there's just something funny. As a man to eat a cupcake, it's just funny to me. So anyway, yeah, dude, I'm still, like, struggling with. Struggling with a lot of. Dude, I'm not gonna lie to you. It never ends. But. But I find whenever I fix something, you know, as much as you're giving me credit that I fix it, it's not. I. I talk to people about it and I reach out for help, they help me. And then like, what's good is, is if you say it out loud. And how I'm wired is if I say it out loud, it becomes real. If I'm thinking about it or anything, it's still sort of like a secret, even. Like, me. Like, I haven't said it out loud. I need to say it. Like, hey, man, I'm smoking too much weed. Or I'm fucking smoking too many cigars. Or, you know, I'm drinking too much. I got to stop fucking, you know, back in the day, I'm drinking too much. I got to stop doing this shit. Or, you know, whatever. Whatever the fuck it is. I need to kind of reach out to somebody. So that's what I would do anyways. That's it. You know, and whatever. Is that it? Yeah, I think that is it. Remember, it's the United States of America, okay? You don't have to line up with what people say, but we need to be 50 unified fucking states here, okay? I don't want them to defund any fucking states at all. I want. I want everyone to fucking make it. I want the middle class to be what the hell it was when I was growing up. That's. That's what I would like. I want to go back to that. Why can't we go back to that? There's plenty of fucking money. Why do five nerds that figured out the Internet get to keep all the money now? And everybody else can go fuck themselves stupid? And I don't want to see this country ripping people's families apart. It's fucking. I don't see anybody doing that. It's terrible. It's fucking terrible. All right, I said my piece. That's it. Have a great weekend. You can, and I'll talk to you on Monday.
- [47:07]
Nia Renée Hill
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 12, 2017. What's going on? How are you? And I know what you're thinking. You know, you're probably saying, what do you mean? It's time for the Monday morning podcast? Bill, it's so late. What the fuck? It's late this week. What are you. You're never late. You know, had you show up and your wife's like, where were you?
- [47:33]
Bill Burr
We were waiting.
- [47:34]
Nia Renée Hill
Well, it's all cold now, you know? And you want to look at her the way Vince McMahon looked at that guy in the sports show and go, oh, oh, Fucking slap a piece of paper out of her hand. But you can't because all your relatives are there watching. So then you got to sit there and make excuses. The streetlight down the street was busted, so it was just blinking red or blinking, you know, yellow. So it was real slow, and there Was water coming out of the sewers and some guy. I could believe it's some guy in a hang glider. Swear to hand to God. Hand to God. He got blown off course and he landed right on the side of the supermarket. Yeah. Hit the side of it. He went down in the.
- [48:21]
Bill Burr
Boy, why can't you just admit you were late?
- [48:24]
Nia Renée Hill
Because you don't care about me. It's not that I don't care about you. It's just. I just don't give a shit about this. And I thought maybe if I showed up a little later, then to be less minutes I'd have to spend at this.
- [48:38]
Bill Burr
Are you saying you don't like my relatives?
- [48:42]
Nia Renée Hill
Yes. No, I'm kidding. You know what I'm saying? God forbid any of my relatives. Listen to this. I like all my relatives. I got lucky. I came from. I came from a cool family and I married into a cool family. You know what I mean? So there you go. Now am I just covering my bases? Nobody knows. Why can't I get the fucking Internet here? You know why? Because I spend 9 million, I'm gonna. I'm like this. Do you know I still have cable, I have a dish, whatever, and I get all the packages. And I know at this point you have these cord cutters. They just cut the cord and they saying, fuck network TV, fuck 60 minutes, fuck all of that shit. I guess it's all just going to end up on the computer and just every TV show is going to have an app or every network is going to have an app. And within the app will be all the shows I'm sure that already exists because I know there's hbo, Hot Take, or online or streaming now, whatever the fuck it's called SummerSlam, Showtime, SummerSlam, whatever the fuck they're calling it. So I'm old school. And the reason why I'm old school, it's not cuz I'm down to earth, man. It's because I do not want to waste one second of my fucking life trying to figure out how the new shit works, all right? That's the reason I've always bought cars and I drive them for a decade. I just keep changing the fucking oil. That's what I do. The only reason why I went from the Prius to the Jag is just because my daughter was coming. And I was just like, I better buy a cool car before she gets here or I'm gonna be fucked. And I never bought myself a cool car because I don't know, I've always been a Frugal son of a bitch. You know, I didn't want that stupid fuck, you know, when I was. You drive down the street with your whole fucking cool ass car and everybody turn around looking at you. I like blending in the background, you know, Leave me alone. Dive bar, dive bar, Garden. I not vip. Not down there at the fucking sushi restaurant where all the fucking cunts hang out with the cameras, you know, whatever that fucking show is. So anyways, you know, I had. I had like a really bad cab driver back from lax. I take cabs because I'm not downloading that fucking app onto my phone. And then you track me and see where the fuck I am. Those Uber cunts. All right, fuck them. So, yeah, I just take the taxi. So I get in the cab and we're driving. He goes, how do you want to go? I go, let's take the fucking highways, right? It's the middle of the day here. So, you know, I always peek out the window as we come into land to see what the old 400 fizzy looks like. And so whatever, we get on the goddamn thing. And I noticed the guy's not in the hov land. I'm like, buddy, there's two of us here. We are the world we're saving. We're thinking locally and acting globally, right? This is Greenpeace here. We have two people in a car. We get to use the diamond lane. And he's like, oh, no, I don't. Don't have the fucking. He didn't have the easy pass thing, whatever it is. And I'm like, how come we don't have that? He goes, well, it costs money in his accent. It costs money. Yeah, well, this is. Your fucking. Your job is driving people around, you asshole. If you had that thing, you can get people to and from where they're going. And you could. You could pick up more people, right? You could make more money. So I'm in the back, you know, big Hollywood phony, getting all grumpy. Oh, look at, look at, look at Bill. Oh, look at him. He's getting a taxicab. He didn't forget where he came from. Two seconds later, I'm fucking bitching out this fucking poor old bastard in my own passive aggressive way. Just mumble in the backseat. How the. Do you not have the thing? This is what the. I mean, this is on me. Should I. You should have said that as you pulled up or whatever, right? So then he just had no instincts, you know, we go to get off our exit, you know, onto another highway. So there's the long line that all the weighed in, and then there's the Ray Liotta line, right? Fuck you pay me. Going in through the kitchen. People work nine to five. That was for schnooks, right? We didn't ask. We had anything we wanted. We just. We just took it. And then when it was all said and done, you bust a joint out, right? You take that fucking. You go around everybody like you're still going straight in the last second. You put on your right hand directional. You get in, somebody beeps at you. Who gives a shit? And there you are. All right? Those are basic skills that a cab driver should have. And he gets in to the soccer mom line. And I'm just like, this guy is the worst. And I was just like, you know what? He's an old man. He drives a cat bill, okay? Who gives a. So then I just said, you know what? Who gives a. So then he goes, which way do you want me to go? Which highway? I go, does it even matter at this point? It's like, you're gonna sit in the longest. I didn't say this part. You're sitting the longest line. You don't have the fucking HOV thing. I mean, you want to just pull over and get some lunch? I mean, I don't want the fuck we're going here. So anyways, we get up to the my house. He goes, how you paying? I say, credit card. So he takes my credit card and he does the whole thing, reaching through the little fucking divider window there. And then he hits no tip. And I go, dude, why'd you hit no tip? He goes. He goes, no, I don't have the thing. He goes, I deserve to be punished. That's what he said. And I said, jesus Christ, I'm not taking it to that level. I was upset. A half an hour, I'm gonna fucking tip you. He goes, no, I don't deserve a blah, blah, blah. And I go, don't, don't. Fuck, that just made me sad. Don't ever say that. So I ended up giving 20 bucks cash, and he's all fucking being like, oh, I'll get you change. Yeah, I don't want the change. You win. Is this how you do it? Maybe that's his scam. He doesn't have the thing. And then in the end, he fucking just puts his head down and goes, I don't deserve a tip. And then a fucking softy goes, no, yes, you do. And then he gets $20 tip even though he's stuck at what he was doing and he still doesn't have to pay for the thing. I think. You know what I think I got, I think I got scammed. I think I fell for it. I think I bought. I bought a, you know, a vcr and I open it up and it's just a brick in the box. Remember that one? That was the old scam back in the 80s. Hey, kid, you want a VCR, 50 bucks, you hand it to you and you run away with the box. You open it up, there was a brick in there. Brilliant, brilliant fucking scam, you know, because even if they ask to open up the box, you know what's in there. So all you got to do is if they go to open it, you just grab the brick before they do and you smash him over the head. Then you take everything in his wallet sort of fails sake, you know, Unless the guy's bigger than you. Then as he goes to open it, you just go, cops, cops, cops. And you grab the box and you get the fuck out of there. I don't know what I'm talking about. So anyways, I had a great weekend. I went up to the. I went up to Montreal, Montreal with Sir Paul Verzi on Andrew Themelis. And we did the Olympic Theater on my birthday Saturday night. And you probably wondered, hey, Bill, why did. Why would you do stand up on your birthday? It's because I wanted to go to the Formula One Formula One race on June 11th. And when I booked it, I wasn't thinking, June 10th is my birthday. I just saw June 11th. And that's not an important day to me, you know, it's how dumb I am. It didn't dawn on me that my birthday was the fucking day before. So anyways, I go up there and I go out. When Andrew brought me up, he goes, keep it going for the birthday boy. And he brought me out and the crowd sang me. Happy Birthday was awesome. Had a fun show. I get off stage and I walk down to the green room and some people from Just for Laughs were there. And they got me this. This unbelievable cured meat from someplace with bread. And they had all like the. What's that kids movie, you know, where the cars talk. What is that? Is it called Cars? I don't know. I don't. You know, I just. I'm new to the kid game, whatever. So they had those all up there like I was a five year old. And then my lady had sent me up a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue, which is funny because I was trying to be Billy no fun. And I was telling her how great I felt not drinking and getting eight hours sleep. And I'm talking to her my birthday and she goes, ah, you ought to have a couple tonight. You have a couple tonight. I was like, neil, why do you always do this to me? I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to go to bed early. And you're always like, bill, you're not an alcoholic. Stop being so dramatic. You know, and then I realized, oh, it's cuz she got me the Johnnie Walker Blue. So I called her up and then she, you know, we had a good laugh about that. So I had a little shot of that before I did the second show. And then the second show, at the end of that, Verzi and Themelis brought out a cake with candles on it and shit. And everyone was singing Happy Birthday again. It's a 1400 seater. I had 2,800 people. Unless people didn't like my act towards the end. Sing me happy birthday. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. So I'm an asshole. I go to blow out the candles and I go, I gotta make a wish, I gotta make a wish. And I'm in Montreal. I go, I wish for a Bruins Stanley cup championship next year. And they're all like, what was funny though was their reaction made me laugh. And I blew out part of the candles without the rest of them. So I guess we're not winning next year. But I really want to thank everybody that came out. I had such a fucking great time, both shows. And that really is one of the great cities that I've ever been to. I love that place. I wish I had more time to spend there. But, you know, I kind of flew up and I was just tired from that whole week of running around, running my yap, promoting the show. So I just sort of went into the fetal position before the show. I didn't get to walk around and see anything. Then I did the two shows and then I went right back to bed. Went right to bed and got eight hours sleep and then woke up and went to my first Formula one race, which I have to tell you, lived up to the hype. I don't even know where to begin as far as, like going out to just seeing this event that I don't even know what, like a year and a half ago. I sort of knew the sport existed. I mean, I knew about it, but I wasn't, you know, doing all this, being, you know, watching every single race. So now to finally show up, you know, with that going on was like. I don't know how to explain it. Like the cars, them just seeing the cars alone was like seeing a celebrity to me. Like, oh, that's a Ferrari. That's, that's the fucking, that's the Mercedes team. Ah, there's the fuchsia, the force India team. You know, it was incredible. It was just an incredible experience. We get there, we, you know, we park, then you take a little boat over and I know it was crazy. You know the guy who does all the wrap up shit, you know, the, the interviews and everything before and after Will Buxton, he came out to the show, he was telling us, you got to come down to the pit area, whatever the fuck they call it, the. I forget what the fuck they call it. But we had these sick ass passes and we had just under Illuminati level seats. You know, Every time you think you're in the best place you could watch it, you find out there's another more air conditioned area with even older manicured looking dudes with younger, hotter looking chicks. Every time you think you're at the final level of Dante's Inferno, there's another level. It's incredible. You know, there was a whole, there was one other level above where the hell we were at. And that's where the guys look like. You know what Celine Dion's husband used to look like? You know that guy? I mean he was a bald dude. He basically looked like Rob Reiner, but he was the fucking shapeshift shifter, like lizard level, you know, one of those guys that always dresses all in white, like he's a bald dude, but even like just the shit he had left on the side. You're like, that's like a thousand dollar haircut. His beard was like perfectly manicured. You know what I mean? Those guys, those guys who's like their whole wardrobe is like linen and they, yeah, they walk around like in Christ cloth. They're always on the French Riviera, they're always in a yacht, they got private jets. And then there's always some meerkat looking chick sitting next to him that's like fucking like, you know, 21, 22. And you're like, oh my God, did you pull up in your fucking World cup sailboat? You know, go into a town and just walk up to these broke people who just, you know, genetic, you know, they hit the lottery, genetics and had this beautiful girl and you just took her away, you know, the open toed fucking sandals. I remember that Guy, Celine Dion's husband. I just remember he. Not only was he bald, but his head was perfectly tanned, so it didn't even look bad. And then he just had this angelic white hair on this side. Same thing with, like, the. His beard. It was a different kind of white, you know, like that. You know, like those fancy fucking paints you can get where there's just a hint of another color in there. I don't know what was in there, but you can see why Celine was just so in love that she was punching herself in the fucking chest every night. Couldn't get way to get back. I mean, if that's what his fucking hair and then side of his head and his beard. Look at. Can you imagine this guy's pubes? I must hear, like, a perfectly tan junk, you know, with his fucking angelic winged pubes. I can't even imagine it. That. Yeah, we didn't get to that level. We got to the level where it was a bunch of people, like, just real race fans. We got to the level where we had a canopy, and I still got a sunburn. That's how white I am, you know, because the sun wasn't on my head, but it hit my chest, so it got all red and. But I want to thank everybody at the F1 race. Everyone was so fucking cool. So, long story short, I got to make it funny, man. I had such a good time. So we're sitting, like, if you watch a replay of the race when. Right when the. They come out of the pit, you know, to rejoin the race, right where they hit the acceleration, you know, they got to drive, like, fucking two and a half miles an hour. And then they get to this point where they can fucking take off, Right? Right where they take off was where we were sitting, and we could see turn one and then turn two, and it's a whole other game trying to watch the race when you're there. If you don't have, like. I mean, I wish I brought, like, a radio so I could have figured out what the fuck was going on, because I didn't know what happened to Vettel. I didn't know that the Red Bull guy, you know, who was it? Max. Max Maximilian there. Max Verstappen, right? He clipped the front of his car. I had no idea what was going on. All I know is he pitted really early, and I was like, what the fuck? And all of a sudden, he went from second place to, like, 15th or last in the race. So I kind of knew, but I had no. I had no idea. What happened? I didn't know that fucking. What's his face there, Kimmy, Raking in. I didn't know that he had problems with his brakes. We had no fucking idea. No idea. And it was so fucking loud. You had earplugs in and the guy's talking over it, but it's just so goddamn loud. I'm jumping all over the story here, dude. We took a little boat over. We parked in a garage, and then you get in this little boat and takes you over there. And then Will hooked us up down in the whole fucking whatever the fuck they call it because of the p. And we got to look at the garages and all that shit. And we went into the Red Bull one, and me, Versi and Themelis got to meet Daniel Ricardo, who I famously called Ricky Rigonen or some shit. Daniel Ricardo, Nicest fucking guy ever. And by the way, I want to be in the shape of an F1 driver. This guy's a fucking ridiculous. This guy was like. I don't know, he's like five' eleven. So he's got me by an inch or so. He was probably 30 pounds lighter than me. Fucking amazing. He goes, yeah, we get weighed twice a day right before the. You know, during the race week or whatever, and was joking about some fucking broccoli thing, that drink he just drank and how much weight they lose when they're in the car and all that type of stuff. I really want to thank Red Bull racing for how cool and nice they were and everything. They were kind of the exact opposite of this fucking cunt we met from the Ferrari team. Granted, it was after the race, and I thought he was one of the guys was cool. He was really, really nice. But the first guy we met was a cunt, but I think he thought we were being cunts because I didn't understand. I knew that Ferrari was having a nightmare of a day, but I didn't realize the level. I mean, I thought it was so cool that, you know, Vettel was able to work his way back up to the field. And I was kind of paying attention to him. I wasn't paying attention to Kimmy. So when I went down there, I. You know, I. I didn't know what to say. The guy was like, after the race, all those Ferrari guys are like, smoking cigarettes, too. It's fucking hilarious. All tanned up, fucking smoking cigarettes. And I just walked up and I was just like. I was just like, hey, man, is it okay conversely gets a picture with you because he wanted a picture with somebody From Ferrari, you know, he's half Sicilian, you know, so the guy's just. He's like, yeah, yeah. And I said, hey, you know. You know, good race today. You know, you.
- [68:02]
Bill Burr
You guys, at least you got by.
- [68:03]
Nia Renée Hill
The forced India guys. And his face just dropped. And I swear to God, in his face, I understood the entire history and the pressure of working on Ferrari. Like, he just looked us. I can't even. He didn't say anything. And then he just went. I said. And I was trying to make it nice again. I was. I told him they had a good race when they had a horrific race. He probably thought. He didn't know this was my first event, so he probably thought I was fucking with him. So he's probably not a cunt. But if you could have seen this guy's face fucking drop. I tell you, if an actor ever did what this guy's face did in a movie, you'd win an Oscar. And now Versi's got to stand next to him. And Virzi can read people better than me. You know, he's half Sicilian, half Greek. It's fucking over, right? So he feels uncomfortable. So I'm trying to make it nice going, like, all right, this is going to be a legendary picture, whatever. And then he goes. He takes the picture and then the fucking. The guy who. I thought it was a cunt, but probably thought we were a cunt. He goes, no, you just missed the legend go by Michael. He goes, vettel. Vettel just walked by. We're like, really? Where'd he go? He goes, I went right in there. And we believed him. And then Andrew figured out later that he was just fucking with us. And then we met somebody else in the Friar team, which. Who was really nice. But anyways, it was a. It was just an amazing fucking time. I don't even know. I don't know. I don't know how to do it justice. It was too much to try to put all into why. Guess I started at the fucking middle and then went back to the beginning, and then I went to the end of the fucking race. Just know in the end we were sitting outside of Lewis Hamilton's garage, you know, after everybody left, and there was all these fans there, and they introduced the whole team. The crowd goes crazy. Like, racing's really big with the fans. Like, they do all this extra stuff. They're great. So then they would chant Lewis's name, and Lewis comes out again with another bottle of champagne. He sprays it on his team and then sort of whipped around in our direction. And we actually got hit with the champagne from Lewis Hamilton. That's how fucking close we were. So I don't know how to ever top that experience. But, like, I'd like to say again, thank you to everybody who, you know, Bruce Hills and all those guys from Just For Laughs for hooking us up. We had a great time. And, yeah, I don't know what to tell you, but I kind of realized just going through talking to everybody in, like, the garages and shit, just how it's like, Mercedes won't give Red Bull. They try to buy an engine, I guess, from Mercedes, and they're like, yeah, no, we're not giving you. Basically because Daniel Ricardo is too good of a fucking driver. We don't need that competition. However, they will sell it to other fucking teams. Like, I think Force India they gave him, but it's not the same Mercedes engine that they have. It's really fucking weird. Like, it's like, all right, well, we'll sell an engine to a team that we know we can beat so we can make the money and help pay for the fucking team, but we're not going to give it to a good team. But I don't get how like Red Bull when. When what's his face Vettel was driving for one, like, fucking three in a row, four in a row, and nobody could catch him. It's like, what, what, what. What the fuck happened to Red Bull's engine over the last four years? You know, I don't know. I got my fucking program here, and I hope I'm not boring you guys to shit. I'm gonna get off this quickly because I know that for me to start talking about driving for fucking 20 goddamn well at that taxi one was. That taxi was a nice mainstream story, wasn't it? Doesn't that count for anything, you fucking assholes? No. If I look up the Mercedes team, they've only been around since 2010. Now, I know Mercedes has been racing cars since the 1950s. Like, I don't get how the Ferrari team's been around since 1950. Is this, like some AMG shit? I'm gonna have to look up the history of these teams because I found it fascinating because after a while, I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna root for Mercedes and fucking. I'm not gonna join this sport and then root for the fucking Yankees or Red Sox. That's too easy, right? So I kind of like. I like Red Bull and I like fucking Force India just because I had a great Time when I did that gig in Mumbai and the comedians over there were fucking hilarious breaking balls and stuff, but. But then I saw the owner of the team or wherever the director is, and it's just some fucking white dude. Force India. Is there like a fucking Aziz looking dude anywhere in there that's fucking, you know, you figure with a name like that, there's got to be an Indian dude, you know? I don't fucking know. Anyways, what am I talking about here? So I had a great fucking time. How about that? I'll leave it at that. I'll leave it at that. And what's his face? Lewis Hamilton got 25 fucking points and now he's only, what, like 12 behind? He was 25 behind. That was the one exciting thing, was watching Vettel work his way through the field. Oh, and I forgot to say how the fucking. The Force India guys, even if you're not into this sport. Oh, they were going back and forth with one another, right? The young kid was trying to get through and the Perez guy wouldn't let him through. Would not let him through, right? What's the other guy's name? Oh, Khan wanted to get through and he wouldn't get him through. So while they were fighting with each other, right, in fourth and fifth place, Vettel, you know, Divide and Connor Conquer went by both of them in the last couple of fucking laps and ended up getting into fourth place, which was fucking huge, you know, and in a way fucked over the Mercedes team, you know, And I bet they called him up and say, hey, next time you fucking fuchsia cunts want one of our fucking engines, all right, we give you one of our goddamn engines and this is how you treat us?
- [74:06]
Bill Burr
You block the goddamn Ferraris or get.
- [74:10]
Nia Renée Hill
Your faster car out front. The fuck are we? I'll give you a fucking Volkswagen engine, you do that shit to me again, right? That must have happened somewhere along the line that that had to have happened. So is the Haas team, the American team. It's so fucking confusing. I'm sitting here looking at McLaren, Honda, McLaren, to me, fucking worked on Mercedes and Honda used to dominate the sport. Now this poor bastard, every time he goes around the fucking lap, dude, it's like he's driving a hooptie. The thing just shits the bed. Every time he took a race off one of one of those guys, Fernando Alonso, I think he said, you know what this. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna take a race off. That's how bad your engines are. And I'm gonna go drive the Indy 500. And I believe when he went there his engine quit too. I'm not sure. I've been flying all over the hell. All over the hell, all over hell. So we went to the race, I got sunburned, we saw all of this stuff, dude, where we were sitting, we literally saw them pull their cars in. In the end where it was both Mercedes, Hamilton and Bottas. And then Daniel Ricardo, we saw them all shake hands, they walked up the stairs and then we saw him, you know, on the podium, we were like to the side, you know. By the way, that fucking trophy that you get for winning that race, Jesus Christ. And that, that's one of the worst fucking trophies I've ever seen in my life. I think it's just the Toronto, not the Toronto, the Canadian Maple leaf, they just sort of have it elevated with all this stuff, but it's just such a bland, they should make it like gold or something with the red outline of Canada, you know what I mean? Red and white for Canada. And then you put a bunch of gold in there, you shine it up a little bit. Jesus Christ, Canada. Did all your imagination go into the Stanley Cup? I don't know, I was really disappointed with it. You know what's funny was the one that Lewis Hamilton got was bad enough. The one that Daniel Ricardo get, I swear to God, he's probably using to prop open some door in his house. That's how bad I gotta look this thing up. I really have to. I gotta trash this fucking thing. The fuck is it? Come on, Bill. Can you believe that cab driver? I deserve to be punished. I mean that's the kind of mindset, that's how you end up driving a fucking cab at 70 years of age. And he's probably an immigrant and people are fucking racist and they probably never got an opportunity. I mean, that's another thing, Bill, that's, that's, that always can happen too, you know. All right, fair enough, hey, fair enough. You know, who knows? All right, Montreal, Canada. Boo. Dude. Canada Grand Prix. You know who's enjoying me talking about this right now is Nashville Predator fans. Because the last thing, oh, maybe it looks a little bit better. It's got some fucking, it's got a little gold in there. Yeah, it's just sitting on like rebar. It just, just no imagination. I mean, could you at least put like a red outline around the gold? Could you do something to dress this? I swear to God, if there's some fucked up reason I ever won that race, I don't know, I got so into this game, this. This fucking sport, and I somehow lost 90 pounds, so I could actually not be a, you know, causing the car to lose. And I somehow beat Lewis Hamilton in Vettel in a non Mercedes, non Ferrari engine car. If they brought that trophy out to me, you know, and I just lost fucking five pounds, pissing myself as I'm driving around the goddamn track. I would. I just would be like, yeah, you.
- [78:03]
Bill Burr
You keep that thing.
- [78:04]
Nia Renée Hill
You keep. Why don't you go back and finish making that trophy and then I'll accept it. I'm sure that wouldn't cause any. Any international incident. Speaking of an international incident. What the fuck? The Nashville Predators are the dreaded. I lost sight of the puck and blew the whistle. Welcome, Nashville Predator fans. Welcome. You guys are now officially been baptized as hockey fans. Okay? Up until now, you were expansion, expansion hockey fans. I didn't respect you even with your chance, even with Smashville, even how far you've come. I could not fully accept you as fans of the National Hockey League until I saw your team in a Stanley cup final, score a goal, but the ref lost sight of the puck and it's waved off. Now you've earned your stripes. Now you have a ref that you hate. You know, now you got someone people are going to send letters to and fucking make death threats and all, you know, the people who take it too fucking seriously. Can you imagine that poor fucking referee. Listen to that Nashville Predator fan somehow figuring out his phone. Phone number. Yeah, buddy.
- [79:28]
Bill Burr
Let me tell you what, you fucking French motherfucker, if I ever catch you.
- [79:32]
Nia Renée Hill
In Tennessee again, I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God, buddy. I got some farming equipment. I'll figure out how to unrust it just to run you over with that after I shoot you in the fucking face. I can't imagine the threat that he's getting. I shouldn't even talk about it. It's probably not even funny. Unbelievable. Un. Believable. But I told you guys, I told you, I picked the Penguins. Like, I think, I don't know, somewhere around the first round, I was like, I know these guys. Look, I don't see anybody stopping them. I just didn't see anybody. That's right. No, after, once the Blackhawks got knocked out, I was just like, yeah, that it's over. They're gonna win. And then I lost faith with them, you know, with that goaltending towards the end of the Ottawa series. And they proved me wrong. And then there was that game. There was that game, Game 4, that the Predators won. But that fucking look on Crosby's face when he scored that goal. And he didn't put his hands up like I scored a goal. He put him out to the side, you know, gathering his fucking teammates in like. That's one like, total fucking business look on his face. And congratulations to the Penguins, you non flying dirty birds. You did it again. That's Crosby's third. That's Malkin's third. They now have one more than the fucking great duo of Mario Lemieux and Yara Mir Yaga. So that's. That's really saying something. And they got five. They got fucking five. You know, I don't want to start anything, but they almost have twice as many as the fucking Flyers. Twice as many as the Flyers. Philadelphia. Are you going to sit there? You going to take that shit or you're going to have to during the off season? Same way I do as a Bruin fan. I believe we have six Stanley Cups, but we've been around since like Charles Lindbergh, so that's different. Although the Penguins have been around for 50 years already. Just like that. Who would have thought? Anyways, let's talk about old Billy. No fun. No fun, Billy. What's the deal? No fun, Billy. So after telling you I was gonna have no fun, you know, it was my birthday, I was in Montreal, but even then I didn't go fucking nuts. Like the last night we went to my favorite cigar bar up in Montreal, we went to Stogie's, and I had a couple of fucking Grey Goose. Even though I like Belvedere. Grey Goose is the Pepsi of. Of vodka, you know what I mean? I always like coke because Code had the bite, you know, Give you a little fucking right there, Fred, you know? Oh, speaking of that, what about cold lotion? Cold lotion of the week would have to be. They. The Nashville Predators scored a legal goal and the guy lost the sight of the park. That is, that is. That is NHL referee cold lotion right there. That's exactly what the that was. But yeah, so I'm not a big Grey Goose fan. You know, I feel like, you know, much like that cab driver that feels like he should be punished, I feel like when I'm drinking that I should be feeling the effects of what I'm doing to my body. I don't want it watered down. You got to drink the gas, you know. I like Belvedere. It's got a little more of a kick to it. Although I'm not a big vodka guy, so I had that. I Smoked a cigar. After the race, 10:30, Old Freckles was in bed. Okay? So when my alarm went off at 5:30 in the morning for my early flight to get back to my lovely wife and daughter, I was fine. I was packed, I was ready to fucking go. Everything was fine. And. But now it's official, now I'm back and it's just like my big thing this year as a 49 year old is 8 hours sleep. I gotta do it. I gotta do it. Because as much as I like going out and partying and doing all that shit, nothing at my age feels better than fucking eight hours sleep. So I'm hoping that I can latch onto this lifestyle and have that be my new fucking drug. Eight hours sleep? Yeah, I gotta do it. I don't know how to drink recreationally. I gotta be honest with you. I just don't. You know, I just. If I'm doing it, I'm fucking doing it. It's like I got into F1, now look at me, I'm spending half the fucking podcast probably driving you guys up the goddamn wall talking about this shit. And now, you know, I went to my first race, I'm going to the one in Austin, and then immediately I just go, well, that's, there's, that's two down. Two down on a 20. If I do two a year, in 10 years, I can fucking go to all of them. You know, sometimes that works for me, sometimes it doesn't. You know, it works for me as far as like trying to succeed in life. Cause I just get into something and I fucking do it. And next thing you know, I crossed the finish line. But you know, when you apply that same sort of philosophy to drinking, it doesn't work. It's all about after you have the drink. If you have the water afterwards and you sort of sober yourself back up again, I don't know, I don't think I'm cut out for it. So I need to take, I need, I've been needing to take time off for a good fucking year. So that's what I'm doing right now. I'm not saying I'm not gonna drink for a year, but I'm definitely. I don't know. We'll see. Be funny if I end up in aa, you know, going to some meeting. I'll never admit that I'm an alcoholic. Just. I don't go down and listen to those stories. You know, it's not even the stories, the stories are funny. But then afterwards, he's chain smoking, donut eating Sad sex. You know, I remember when I got busted for drinking and driving. One of the. One of the requirements, I had to go to two AA meetings. I had to go to a Mothers Against Drunk Driving meeting. And all this community service I had to do. And I remember going to the fucking. The fucking AA meeting. Jesus Christ. Just when you know, if you think you have an alcohol problem, go to an AA meeting. Good Lord, these fucking people. Holy shit. Insane. The fucking stories. Waking up with no teeth, getting bailed out of jail and fucking walking out with no shoes right across the street to a liquor store. I mean, I don't know, maybe that's like an extreme version. I don't fucking know. Where's. Let's. Let's read a little bit of advertising here for this week, everybody. Huh? Huh? Where the hell is it? Where is it now? God, somebody's gonna correct me on kryptonite this week. You guys just don't fucking let up, do you? Unreal. Last week, what did I. I guess fucking superhero people, they take it so goddamn seriously. All right, I have advertising if this thing ever loads. Come on, load it up. I never even finished talking about the cable shit I watched. You know, I pay so much fucking money for the Internet and I pay so much fucking money for cable, and this shit doesn't work. You know, the F1 race didn't even record. It started to record and it was just that shaking commercial that you can't fast forward past because I wanted to see what happened at the beginning of the race. And then you know what? I went online and just found it. So maybe that's what I need to do to do to do. I have no idea. Oh, and I didn't even bring up the fucking Cavaliers. Holy shit, What a game. What a fucking game. 48 first quarter points, 86 points in the first half. Unfucking believable. And it was still. It took him halfway through the fourth quarter. That's how little competition there is. But you know something? I think when that little fucking fella there, the guy who shoots the three pointers, is probably a foot taller than me, but he looks like a little fella on the NBA court. Court when he pretended to take a shit. That was one of the most classless things I've ever seen. He pretends to take a shit and then runs up to court, wipes his ass, and then wipes it on the Cavalier logo. And then afterwards, like, yeah, I was in the moment. I don't remember what I did. Get the fuck outta here. Get the fuck Outta here. You don't remember what you do. You know exactly what you did. You fucking mimed on the floor. I don't know why. You know, I gotta hit pause. I gotta hit pause to get open this thing. All right, I'm back. I'm back. Just went out the kitchen. I just saw my dinner. Salmon salad with salmon. Oh, God. Salmon. You know what's so tragedy about salmon is how many salmon get killed a year and people don't even appreciate it. You know, it's like tuna minus the personality. It's just like a. I was joking with Keith Robinson about that. We went out to dinner. He's in, you know, the fish option. One of them was just salmon. And he's just like, ah, Jesus Christ. He's like, yeah, salmon is. Salmon is a middle act. You know, it's a terminal feature of the fishing world. All right, so the Cavs are playing tonight. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dude, can you imagine if they win this one? Then they're going back to Cleveland. This is how quickly it can turn around. This is how fast it can turn around. It would be amazing. I. I have. I haven't enjoyed a game in a long time like that. I was at a bar, of course. Who's kidding who? I haven't met Billy no fun. I've been Billy less fun today. I start. Billy no fun. It's just the Cavaliers have to do what they did the other night again tonight, you know, and then again, and then again. But each game I think would be less. And then, you know. Do you realize that if the Cavaliers come back and do this, they'd be the first NBA team to ever do it? And then secondly, Steph Curry taking a. Miming, taking a. Wiping his ass. And like, is that one of the most classless things you've ever seen in your life? It's like how that guy's a dad. You know what I mean? I don't understand. I don't. I am. This just. It just makes me feel old. Like when he does the no look pass and then he, he starts miming like, you know, he has like binoculars on as he looks at the crowd. Doesn't even look at the end of the. It's like, did Magic Johnson ever do that? I just. I, for the fucking life of me, I will never understand that. That's like that dancing. I told you when I was at the game and there was some six year old kid dancing, which should have been adorable, but he had a look on his face like he wanted to beat the Shit out of me. I just. I just don't understand what's going on with people. Just a complete lack of class and humility is. You know, and this is coming from a drunk. Ain't even I'm noticing. Anyways, Kryptonite, everybody. Here we go. Let's do some of these. These. These letters here. Hello, Bill. Hello, person. I don't know. I know you don't give a. But I refuse to stand by and watch you be an idiot. But the story of Krypton is the planet. Last week I was talking about kryptonite. I go, isn't it, like, natural to his planet? Planet? How can Superman be allergic to kryptonite? It's from his planet. So this guy says, krypton. The story of Krypton is the planet exploded from nuclear. From a nuclear chain reaction. That's nice and vague from the family back east. Caused by the planet's unsus unstable radioactive core. All right, I guess that was a little more of an explanation. Kryptonite being pieces of the radioactive planet that somehow reach Earth. Okay, well, then shouldn't those things also affect the humans that go and get it? You know what I mean? I don't understand that. My phone's ringing. God damn it, do I got to take this? I'll call him back. Okay, so that's what it is. All right, so if the advice somehow got off Earth and I went to Krypton and the earth exploded, they would then be Earth tonight. And then Superman could sit right next to that radioactive rock. I know at some point you'd be like, bill, can you just fucking play along? Can you just play. You know why I'm not playing along? Because this guy said, I can't watch you be an idiot. Watch me be an idiot. Like kryptonite is an actual thing. This is like, you think I'm an idiot because I can't name all the broads on Sex in the City. I mean, this is just a fucking. It's made up, buddy. All right? Sorry. I don't know the origins of kryptonite. What. What has that gotten you in life, huh? Other than a girlfriend with a retainer in her 30s. All right? Sex, everybody. I see that people should be slower to. I think that people should be slower to jump into bed. Friendship and respect go a long way. Please have Nia and yourself encourage young people to respect each other more before sex. Listen, I. I don't give public service announcements. I mean, I. I just complain about. Look, if you want to go out and get laid. Go out and get laid. All right, Use, use a, use a protection. But if you actually are looking for somebody, you know, to have more than that, then, you know, I think, you know something. Who? I am so emotionally shut down. I, I, I can't even speak on this. I don't know how I lucked out into meeting Nia. It just fucking happened. All right, but this. Okay. I just love that somebody like this actually wrote in. This is very conservative. This is really interesting. I think that people should be slower to jump into bed. Friendship and respect go a long way. Please have Nia and yourself encourage young peoples to respect each other more before sex. Like, how many listeners do I have on my podcast that the Catholic Church is now trying to slip in public service announcements?
- [94:38]
Bill Burr
Well, that week.
- [94:39]
Nia Renée Hill
Well, why don't I give everybody a southern accent? I'm just gonna have the, literally the Pope in a southern accent say, well, after we fucked all those kids, no one's listening to us. Probiotics, everyone. Hi, Bill. I was just listening to some videos on YouTube, on the YouTube channel. Bill Burr archives. Not sure how long ago this one was from, but you are asking for more information from anyone on how to get clean probiotics. And I just wanted to say look up kefir. K E, F I, R. Kefir. Isn't that like a racial slur? I believe that's a racial slur. In some country for a group of people traveled so much. I forget where that's from. I gotta look that up. I hope I'm not saying that wrong. I have to fucking apologize. Hang on a second. Kevr. Racial slur. I spelled it like what they just said. Oh, and my Internet doesn't work. Why won't you fucking work now? Why won't you work? Yeah. Oh, that's K A F, F I, R. The word kaffir is a term used in south southern Africa to refer to a black person. All right, see that? I knew I watched some sad show on how people treat each other, so I must be saying that wrong. I'm going to say kefir, like sutherland, kiefer. You can buy the grains and you just add them to your organic milk. Milk. And then two days later, approximately you have kefir yogurt. Much better than the store bought ones because they get pasteurized and hence you lose a lot of the bacteria. Okay, cheers, fuck face. Have a good one. All right, but then what about the milk? Where do I get the milk? I get the milk from an organic cow. Why don't I just lay off the booze. Can I just do that? Would that be easier? Um. All right. Lady needing advice don't want to go to male friend's wedding. Oh, this is great. I can give you advice on this. My girlfriend's ex was gross. Lady needing advice don't want to go to male friend's wedding. My girlfriend's ex was gross. I don't care. Okay. Hi, bill. I'm a 23 year old guy. What the fuck is this? I think the lady needing advice somehow got cut off. So this is a different one. My girlfriend's ex was gross. Well, where's the lady needing advice don't want to go to male friend's wedding. I will get to the bottom of that by Thursday. All right. Hi, bill. I'm a 23 year old guy and I recently moved in with my 23 year old girlfriend. Everything was going awesome until one drunken night she starts to tell me what her ex boyfriend was like. Okay. She explains that when she was 20, she dated this guy who we'll call Joe, who is 11 years older than her, which already fucks with my head. So being insecure, the next day I decided to look him up online. And he's disgusting. He's fat with an unkempt beard and really short and a pudgy face. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that my girl being so hot and young, bang the slob of a man. Picturing the two of the two together doing what we do now is really messed up. Messing me up to the point we stopped having sex a week ago. I just can't get it out of my head. I mean, at one point that disgusting mess really turned her on. Gross. Am I just being an asshole? Do I break up with her? Honestly, I just don't look at her the same way anymore. I can handle her vast sexual history before me, but not with that mess. It's really screwing with me. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right, here's one of these things that if you were a woman, they would be like. Well, you have to honor that. You have to know no means no. And if you don't like this, then you should honor that that's what you're feeling. And your partner, if they really love you, should understand this and wait until you're able to perform again. But that's not how it works with guys. You would be judged for being so superficial and blah, blah, blah. So superficial. Right. In the amount of young whores that I saw with these old guys at that F1 race. You know, I don't know what you do, to be honest with you, but, I mean, this is what I would do in the future. I wouldn't Google people she used to fuck. That's probably a bad thing, but I'm thinking you're only 23 years old. How did you know? So she used to fuck this troll. Probably under a bridge. Yeah, that's kind of gross. Probably had some fucking one of those short but fat dicks, you know, peeking out of his pubes. Ah, that's so disgusting. I would talk to her about it. I would just say, listen, you know, I was insecure that you, that you were with an older man and was, you know, not confident about what I was doing with you in bed. And my curiosity got the best of me and I googled that guy. Dude, for all you know, you got the wrong guy. But by the way, it might be someone with the same name. Who knows? You know, I don't know, but it's. I don't know, in a week's time, you can't get past that. I mean, she's probably looking at you like you're a champ. That guy was a 34 year old, fat, disgusting fuck. And you're 23. I'm imagining in shape, right? I don't know, I don't think it's weird that you looked at the guy and then all of a sudden you just pictured him fucking your girlfriend. That's disgusting. I don't think that's weird at all. Women would say it is because they always defend each other for some reason, yet they go at each other like alley cats when we're not around. I don't know, there's like, yeah, there's like some female like, union, you know, they act like union and men are not unionized, which is every man from self. Although I am sticking up for you, so who knows? Yeah, I would. You know, I think I talked to her about it. Just say, you know, do you think this makes me superficial? She's gonna be like, yes. I can't believe you judge me like that. I just, I don't judge people on looks. I know. You judge them on their wallet. If he has a nice personality in a private jet, you know, I don't mind a little extra weight. Yeah, what was going on with that guy? Maybe that fat troll was taken out to a nice restaurant every night so he could keep her and that's how he got fat. I don't know. You have a giant head too. Those big fucking butcher block heads all Right. Jealousy issues. Jealousy issues. Dear Billy Rosy cheeks. First up, I'm a huge fan. Keep up all the great work. Anyway, me and my girlfriend of four years just moved to France. She is French and all her family is here. We lived in Australia and plan to go back to Australia in 11 months. Sorry I had to get that yawn out. Our relationship is very serious. We never laugh. No, I'm kidding. I love this girl so much and plan on popping the question soon. We were at a local bar last night. I'm not lingual enough to talk well at a bar yet, so when we go out, it's hard to follow what's being said. But I still have a pretty good time. After I had a few drinks with her and her friends, this guy my girlfriend works with sits with us while it's just me and her about 3am and I immediately felt bad. I never met this dude but when he sat down, my girlfriend didn't look at me for 10 minutes and was 100% focused on him. Leaning in, laughing, etc. While I sat on my phone or looking up at the sports. Yeah dude, that's not good. That's not good. Repeat. That is not good. I couldn't understand what they were talking about and there wasn't a way I could be a part of it. I didn't like the way this guy was looking at me as well. Twice during the time. After 10 minutes she strugglingly puts her hand on my knee and. And after five more minutes I tell her we should leave. I say goodbye to her friends and walk outside. I smoke a cigarette and wait a bit longer, go back inside and she is still at the bar with this guy paying her bill. Same ambiance as before. When we leave to walk home, I meet. I'm immediately cold with her. You should have been. She fucking embarrassed you. You absolutely should have been. You wouldn't do that to her, would you? I was pretty drunk, so I expressed my dislike for this situation in an overly angry and an impatient manner. Yeah, you should have waited till you were. So this is one of these things where you were right and then you were drunk. So then you became wrong by the way you said it. 20 minutes into a 30 minute walk home. She was tearing up pretty bad and told me she was talking about me and other harmless shit. Bull fucking shit. She was talking about her dog and her dog was sitting next to it. At some point she'd be like, look at his face. She would have done that. She's full of shit. This is my gut. Anyways, well, the feeling stayed between us when we woke up this morning. I don't get to socialize much here, and I really like this bar where everybody goes to, but this felt particularly bad. My girlfriend acts more natural in this country, so this is awesome for her to be with her fellow countrymen, but we've never in four years had a conflict where jealousy is an issue. Have you ever had an issue where your girl's talking to a dude and it crosses a line? Absolutely. Absolutely. And I was drunk and I said something. Yeah. And that didn't end well. Can I deal with this without affecting the relationship or how my girl acts socially? Deep down, she's an absolute sweetheart and really sensitive, so it's a bit delicate. Also, there's a part of me that says maybe it's all in my head. Anyways, hope you can help. Bill, any advice would be great. Love to the Burr family. Go fuck yourself. All right, well, there's so many factors. Yeah, you could be jealous, but, you know, if it was actually 10 minutes and she didn't look at you, and then I said, I'll meet you outside, and she's. She's still in there talking to him about what a fucking great guy you are at some point. Dude, you. Your gut doesn't lie unless your head's fucked up. All right? If it's coming from your gut, if it's not coming from between your ears and it's all this fearful thoughts, that's your head, and you need to quiet that down. But if it's coming from your gut and your guts, just saying this just isn't fucking right. And who's kidding who? The French have different ideas about that type of shit. Where, you know, I'm not saying everybody over there, but they did. They're the whole fucking. Having a Mitch mistress, you know, is not looked down upon. It seems sort of accepted as the resentment builds. I don't fucking know, but I just don't. That whole situation is bad. I actually think her reaching over and patting you on the fucking leg to keep. To keep you at bay there. I even think that that, that makes it. That made it even worse. Now, having said all that, you should have waited till the next morning, or at least when you walk back, then I just say, listen, I'm a little drunk right now, so I don't want to have a big conversation, but I would like to talk to you about what just went down with that guy. Like that ever works with a woman. No. We need to discuss it. Yeah, I can't Go to sleep knowing you're gonna talk about, you know, I don't know what the deal. Who knows? Who knows what the that was? I would be like, all right, so is she only the way she is? Because she's in my country and she doesn't know anybody, but this is how. This is how she really is. Is this just a cultural thing that she used to fuck this guy and she's psyched to see him and this is going to be her little fucking fling on the side when we get married, I wouldn't know what the fuck to think, but I would try to regroup and just be like, you know, I find it hard to believe that if I was at a bar and I started speaking a language with another woman that you didn't know, and I didn't even look at you for 10 minutes and then gave you a pandering pat on the leg and then tried. And then I went outside for a smoke and I came back in. You was still in there talking to this person, this woman. If I was talking. I'm saying if I was talking to this woman, that I would somehow be able to convince you that I was talking about you the whole time. I don't know what to tell you, sir, other than to practice up on your French. Practice up on your French and do it without her knowing. Get that Rosetta Stone. Get your French game in order and learn all their menage trois. What's. What's ass over there. Gross. Gross. Something like that. You got to know what the he's saying to your girlfriend. So I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, dude. My gut says that that was fucked up. I could just tell you that I'm not trying to drive you away from this woman, but that seemed fucked up. If that was coming from your gut, sir, God damn it, I would go with it. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. If you enjoy this podcast and you'd like to donate without a cost you a dime, just go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page, and there's an Amazon link there. Anytime you want to buy something off of Amazon, just go to my webpage, click on the link, I get credit for driving traffic to the website. Doesn't cost you any more money. Whatever you were gonna buy, they kicked me a little fucking casheesh or whatever. Fucking tidbits, whatever they call those. Those PayPal money coin things. Brexit. I don't know what it's called. That's it. That's what you can do. And if you don't want to do that, I completely understand. I don't give a shit if you keep listening, you cheap fuck. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you Thursday. Let's go, Cavs. Congratulations, Penguins. My condolences to Nashville fans. Thank you to everybody at the Formula One race. And I can't wait to watch the next race. I don't even know where the hell it's at, but I will be watching. And I actually finally watched The Italian Grand MotoGP, by the way. Trying to tape those fucking races is so difficult. Every time I go to click, it's the fucking Moto 3, Moto 2, it's the fucking time trial. I always got to click every single fucking one of them. Before I finally get to the race, I got to see the Italian one. These motherfuckers were going, like, 220 miles an hour on motorcycles. And I finally figured out the kilometer thing. Every 50 miles an hour is 80 kilometers. So you just keep adding 80 every 50. So 50, 100 miles an hour, 150, 200 miles an hour is 80. 160, 240. What the would that be? Three hundred and twenty, roughly. All right, there you go. There's a little metric system for you. Go yourselves. I'll see you on Thursday.