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Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 3, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Sorry the podcast is late. No, you know what? I'm not sorry. I am done apologizing for living my life. You know who says that? Somebody who doesn't really have major problems in their life, but they think they are. They think they're big problems, and then they post them on Instagram and then everybody trashes them and then they're like, see, the world is so cruel. It's like, no, your fucking problems in your cul de sac are not that big a deal. You know, they can be, though. I'm not saying if you live in a cul de sac that it's, you know, some fucked up shit can't happen. You know, there's always an uncle lurking around, you know, I'm done apologizing. That's usually said by someone who needs to apologize. Oh, my God, what is this? Fucking A pray tude? Is this Viagra for gay guys? I'm watching this commercial with the sound down. It's just like one dude after another with his shirt open, talking way too closely to an Ah, there you go. The fucking. The guy kiss on fucking regular tv. Do you know what that, what that would have done to this country when I was growing up? Jesus Christ. I mean, it was a big deal when Billy Crystal played a gay guy on so bump, bump, bump, bump, bump D and they never had him. He didn't have to kiss anybody as far as I remember. Anyway.
Unknown Guest
I don't know what was going on that commercial. Yeah, I tell you, you watch TV.
Bill Burr
With the sound down, all of a sudden the whole thing changes.
Unknown Guest
Anyway, plowing ahead here. Yeah, anybody who says that, you know, I'm. I'm done apologizing. Okay? It's a thing.
Bill Burr
It's like, does that have to. Does that happen to you a lot? Are people expecting an apology a lot? Maybe it's because you're a douche. You ever think of that? I'm not. Oh, you know, you could be around some toxic people that are always turning it around on you. But also, you know, just to be fair, just to play devil, devil's advocate here, you could also be a douche. There could be a reason why people are always asking you to apologize. I'm fucking done with it.
Unknown Guest
I'm not fucking. I'm not fucking.
Bill Burr
This is who I am.
Unknown Guest
Well, you were the treasurer of our company. There's no money left.
Bill Burr
I'm done apologizing. This is how I live my life. I like designer fucking bags. Whatever. Sell some more stuff next week. Fucking done apologizing.
Unknown Guest
I'm gonna start doing that. Anytime I want to get out of a conversation, I'm just going to use that expression, you know what? I'm done apologizing.
Bill Burr
Hey, so you're here in New York, you got an acting gig.
Unknown Guest
You know what? You know, wait, how would they say?
Bill Burr
Yeah, how you liking it?
Unknown Guest
How you liking it so far? You know what? I'm done apologizing. And then you just walk away. And then they're just like, what the was that? What did that even mean? And then that moment when they're trying to do the math on what the fuck you just said to them, which made no goddamn sense. You get to leave, you know, which I feel is one of is most of your adult life is leaving. You know what I mean? Just trying to get out of something that you don't like. How the fuck did I end up here in this fucking rat race? How do I get out of this conversation with this person? If I can give young people any advice, you should. You really have to develop your wrap it up skills, okay? As you start doing in life and more and more people are talking to you, you have less time to just sit on a couch and stare at a fucking wall, you know, and try, you know, which is basically, that's like, you know, when you're charging your cell phone, I feel like when you're sitting by yourself staring at a wall, you know, your battery power starts to come back and maybe you, like, want to see another person, you know? Whereas if all you're doing is seeing people, then, like, you know, your battery life goes down. You're like, I just got to get the fuck away, you know, from all of these people. I'm watching this fucking movie from the year 2000. The year 2000. In the year 2000. I'm not going to say what the movie is because I really like the actors in it. But like the lead actor, he has a daughter that looks to be about 8 years old. And the woman that's playing the mother of her clearly has never had a baby in her life. The way her body is, and she's walking around in high heels and a bathrobe going in and out of the kitchen. You know, that's what's funny about women is they look at that.
Bill Burr
How am I supposed to compete with that?
Unknown Guest
It's like, you can't, like, you can't compete with that. It's a movie. I used to do a bit about that.
Bill Burr
You know these images they put out there of women? How am I supposed to. How am I supposed to compete with that? You're not competing with it on any level, you arrogant ass. That's a fucking supermodel. You're not even on the same planet as that woman. You ever see, like, fucking models, like, supermodels, when they stand next to regular.
Unknown Guest
People, they look like praying mantises. I mean, granted, fuckable praying mantises, but praying mantises nonetheless, right? And they're completely different species of genetics.
Bill Burr
That's why they're so tall.
Unknown Guest
They're supposed to be looking down on you. You know, they're better than you.
Bill Burr
I mean, I never saw a movie where Brad Pitt took his shirt off and I never thought, like, how am I supposed to compete? I can't fucking compete with. I knew I couldn't compete with that. I never thought that. It made me want to go to the gym. I'm not gonna lie to you. I gotta do something. With this freckled torso, but in no fucking way, shape or form did I feel like he was the standard, you know, that I was. That I was fucking competing. That guy was.
Unknown Guest
He was.
Bill Burr
He was. He was over the hill. He sees the one with those fucking praying mantis chicks. All right, I'm gonna. Buffalo wild wings talking to a divorced waitress. That's. That's where I am in society. Anyway. Anyway, speaking of which, I am in New York City, and I. Today was the first day at Glengarry Glen Ross.
Unknown Guest
I met the cast. I met everybody there. We did a table read, and it was so much fun.
Bill Burr
Unbelievably exciting.
Unknown Guest
And of course, all the actors are amazing, and they're already bringing all of this stuff. Just doing, like, a cold read, sitting down with it. It's going to be. It's going to be fun, man. So this is going to be my life for a little while.
Bill Burr
I'm just going to take it one day at a time. Done apologizing to people.
Unknown Guest
No, I'm just going to.
Bill Burr
I love how, like, that's, like, considered.
Unknown Guest
Like, you've reached this level of maturity where you're. I'm done apologizing.
Bill Burr
So you're never gonna be wrong again, you know? You're never gonna fucking admit to it. You know what I mean? I've always just felt like I've had to apologize for being me. That's what you think. That's. That's how you're doing the. Shut up.
Unknown Guest
Nobody has to apologize for being themselves, you know, unless you trans, right?
Bill Burr
Like when they transition, everybody seems to.
Unknown Guest
Have a fucking problem with that for whatever reason.
Bill Burr
Like, why would you have a problem with that? What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck are you paying it? Oh my God. This person I don't even know made this choice because it made them feel better about themselves. And now I have a fucking issue with it.
Unknown Guest
Anyways, I'm done apologizing, so. Oh my God, look at the doll.
Bill Burr
Now I see the face because all they showed was her legs. Now I'm seeing like the star.
Unknown Guest
Look at her, she's fucking ridiculous.
Bill Burr
And there's no way that's her daughter.
Unknown Guest
I hate when they do that. I hate when they take two fucking actors and then they cast somebody, they give him a kid that looks nothing like him. I gotta get some water. Dry ass apartment, these New York apartments, the heat's either on or it's off, you know? This apartment, I'm either cold or I feel like a rotisserie chicken, you know? And not a good one either. One that's dried. Like the place is about to close and you're drunk and you go and you get a two piece with some sides. Oh my God. I got the funniest debate with my wife when she was telling me how this, this guy, the guy who invented macaroni and cheese, was a black man, right? And I just fucking bursted out laughing. I go, Mac and cheese? That's what you tell me? He put cheese on pasta. Have you been to Italy? I think that's what they do. That's all they do there, right? She goes, no, he like baked it and put it like in the oven and all that stuff. And I just started laughing. And then she just got like pissed at me. Like legit got pissed at me because she thought like, you know, because she's a woman, you know, so she gets overly sensitive when somebody laughs, you know what I mean? As opposed to like a guy, Somebody starts laughing, you laugh and you go, what? What'd I say? Oh, was that stupid?
Bill Burr
All right.
Unknown Guest
You know, and she was just giving me. I'm not saying the guy didn't do it, but like you're bragging about a appetizer.
Bill Burr
Now here's the thing. I'm not saying Mac and cheese isn't a big deal. I was just being a dick, you know? You ever do that? You ever just be a dick just.
Unknown Guest
To be a dick and you're in.
Bill Burr
The middle of it. And you see the other person's getting mad, and in your head you're going, why am I doing this?
Unknown Guest
Stop.
Bill Burr
You should stop right now and say, I'm sorry. Done apologizing, right? And you just don't. And you just keep doing it. And it has nothing to do with the person. It has to do with some bullshit that happened to you back in the 70s or 80s that you're just not going to take your foot off the fucking gas and you're just going to have an argument with the woman that you love for no fucking over macaroni and cheese. I so kept going with it. Like, I couldn't stop.
Unknown Guest
I had to.
Bill Burr
I just had to keep going until she started laughing because I wasn't being mean. I was just laughing my ass off. And.
Unknown Guest
Forget what I was just talking. Oh, yeah, who invented edamame?
Bill Burr
I just kept doing that. And this is one.
Unknown Guest
This is where, like, I know when my wife is mad at me, she gets this look on her face, okay? And there's this critical moment there that either I apologize or I'm just going to see this thing through. So I decided to see it through. Now, this can go one of two ways.
Bill Burr
It can just end up in the inevitable apology, or there's this magical moment.
Unknown Guest
Where she starts shaking her head, like, shaking her head no. And when she shakes her head no, then I know she's starting to find it funny. And what I need to do is keep going. And yet any mathletes listen to. Of course not. But remember in math where two negatives make a positive? Well, with your wife, it's more like 47. You just have to keep fucking.
Bill Burr
You just have to. You just have to keep going. And I. I built this whole thing with George Washington. It was like one of his slaves, and he sent him over to France.
Unknown Guest
To learn how to cook, and he.
Bill Burr
Comes back with the.
Unknown Guest
With an appetizer.
Bill Burr
So I had him, like, all pissed off that that's all. He came back.
Unknown Guest
No beef, Borg and yo, none of this shit. He just.
Bill Burr
He came back with this, you know, how long does it take for the boat to get over there?
Unknown Guest
How long was he.
Bill Burr
That was the fucking 1700s, right?
Unknown Guest
I mean.
Bill Burr
All right, what you learned? Get you some Mac and cheese. Well, what the fuck do we. You know? How about, you didn't learn how to make an entree.
Unknown Guest
Anyway?
Bill Burr
And then also, you just sit there.
Unknown Guest
Looking at the kind of money that the founding fathers have. It's so goddamn funny. These fucking guys.
Bill Burr
It's like they used regular People to kick the English out, right? And then all of these fucking cunts moved into their big houses.
Unknown Guest
And what happened?
Bill Burr
They're still there, right? Well, George Washington fought.
Unknown Guest
He sort of fought in the war. I don't know.
Bill Burr
Did he. Is there any record of that? I mean, somebody painted something of him.
Unknown Guest
But what was to stop you?
Bill Burr
It's not like back in the day.
Unknown Guest
Like, you could like, look it up.
Bill Burr
I fought in the Revolutionary War. Oh, yeah? What branch?
Unknown Guest
What do you mean, what branch?
Bill Burr
I was in the fucking woods shooting at people. You were in there doing that? Swear to. Swear if to God if. Like, how do I know you were doing that?
Unknown Guest
I don't know. There's a.
Bill Burr
This, there's a lot to unpack there that I don't.
Unknown Guest
I don't have the. I don't have the background for. I'm not gonna lie to you. Anyway, yeah, so I am in New York City and we did the. We did the first day. It was a great day, which I'm really relieved about, because I'm not gonna lie to you. I had like, you know, I had no idea do. I've never done. I've never done a play. I never did a play. I think when I was in the third grade or fifth grade, I was. We did the Music Man. 76 trombones led the big parade, right? And oh my God, I just remembered there was this fucking man child in my grade. And you know, it's. Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon is a comin. And like in the movie, it was either a train or it was a team of horses. So instead of like, you know, they wanted to bring horses in there and they weren't going to make a train, so instead they had this man child kid pulling the wagon in with like three fifth graders in the back. And you know, this guy, this man child kid, he was a little excitable, if you know what I mean, right? So he came in, pulling it in and he was dressed like, you know, he had on this conductor's outfit and.
Bill Burr
He was pulling the fucking thing in. And all the parents stood up and applauded. And I just remember he was the fucking man child kid was pulling the thing in and he was just going.
Unknown Guest
Yeah.
Bill Burr
Like yelling like he scored a touchdown. It's just one of those kids in fifth grade. He was like as big as the janitor, you know what I mean? He wasn't even like as big as a teacher. He had the body of a janitor. He had like a. He had like that gut, you know, and the pants Hanging down. Like he had keys on his belt or something. And he was like in fifth grade, you know, it was amazing. I don't know, it was weird.
Unknown Guest
I don't know. He turned out all right.
Bill Burr
I've run into him. He's totally fucking normal.
Unknown Guest
But he was at that age where.
Bill Burr
He was at an awkward age. He didn't know if he was going to be, you know, functioning in society, but, you know, he did. But whatever.
Unknown Guest
I think he just got excited and.
Bill Burr
He was just yelling and I just remember thinking, like, what the fuck is wrong with that kid Anyways? I had a. I had a. This chick in this movie is so fucking ridiculously hot. She wouldn't be involved in this situation. Look at him trying to make her not good looking.
Unknown Guest
Smoke show.
Bill Burr
Fucking smoke show. Um, anyway.
Unknown Guest
What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So I.
Bill Burr
The only other play I did, so.
Unknown Guest
It was a music man and.
Bill Burr
No, I tried out for that and they said no. Did.
Unknown Guest
Yeah, they said no. I wasn't even in that.
Bill Burr
I'm thinking.
Unknown Guest
I'm thinking of just a Christmas thing that we did.
Bill Burr
And they went to see if I.
Unknown Guest
Could sing and they're like, yeah, no. And I just. They just put me in the chorus. You know, all the fucking latchkey kids and the fatherless children and shit. I was just in the back, so I've never done any of this stuff. So anyway, getting back to that, I was like nervous about, you know, like, what. What was gonna happen. And I went in and it was just. It was a fucking great time and it was fun. We read the play and we kind of talked about it afterwards and everybody was talking about the play and all of this stuff. And I'm like, that was weird. I was like, oh, my God, do I. I think I kind of love acting. This is like. I mean, I could always sit around in talking comedy and drums and stuff, but, like, I was really enjoying listening to the other actors, like, their input and stuff. So I think this is gonna be. I think it's gonna be a good time. And my Bruins are coming to town on Wednesday. They're playing the. The New York Rangers. A little original six action. If I can get out of rehearsal in time, I might go down the street and check that out and then come back to my corporate apartment and.
Bill Burr
Cry myself to sleep.
Unknown Guest
No, I get back, you know, my daughter reads to me at night. She reads the left page and I read the right page. So I went out and I bought all the books that she's currently reading. So we FaceTime and we still do the same thing. And then I just act like a goofball with my. With my son, and he laughs. Like, we play this game. All right, what do you like better? You know, it'd be like, waffles, a French toast. And then they pick something, French toast or whatever, and. But nobody's allowed to say that they like Pepsi, right? I hate Pepsi. I think it's an insult to the cola world. And I think the people that drink it are soft. If you're a woman and you like Pepsi, I get it, okay? You got the motherly instincts and whatever. But when I meet. When I drink. When I meet a man that drinks Pepsi, there's just something about him. Like, I. I don't feel like I can trust him. But anyway, the was the point of that. Oh, yeah. So we just play the game, and then what my son loves to do. At one point, I'll just be like, all right, what do you like better? Waffles or AC dc? And then I'll just go Pepsi. And then I act like I'm really upset and bring my face all the way up to the phone like, oh, I'll do all that. And he just dies laughing. So that's the way I connect with them. But they're going to be here, you know, one week a month. So I think it'll be all right, I hope. Anyway, that's the only part about this thing that stinks. So I actually brought one of my guitars to New York because I can't play drums when I'm out here. So I'm just. I need some sort of musical outlet. I gotta have, at some point, my guitar center dad moment. You know, I learned how to play Crazy Train or whatever. Just something, something so I don't lose my fucking mind. Which is kind of funny because this is, like, the way I'm living right now is how I was this way before I met my wife. I was sort of like, you know, I was living alone. I had fucking nothing going on. I fucked up a relationship. And I remember Thanksgiving came and went, and I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be. And there was this weird thing where I. As sad as that was, it was kind of cool where I was just like, all right, well, you know what? I'm not, you know, gonna be disappointing anybody. I'm just gonna be fucking, you know, I just watched football and I fucking was drinking. I hung out my apartment. It was this apartment. Was it this apartment? I can't remember. I was fucking hanging out in this apartment, and I was Just drinking, watching football and just sort of laughing. But also it wasn't funny. I was like, it's kind of weird. Like I'm getting pretty late in the game here and this is the second part of my life is really not coming together anyway. Yeah, I don't know what. Jesus Christ, I thought what fucking freaked me out was that helicopter hitting that plane down in dc. My God, I keep seeing those victims faces showing up on Instagram. My God, it's just fucking horrible. I have no idea, no idea how that could possibly fucking happen. You know, it's funny when you fly, when you're on with the tower, you know, there's an element that you feel safe because all right, this guy's watching me and he's watching everything around me. And you know, if there's a problem, they say your tail number and then they'll be like, turn two seven now. Like if I was you, I would turn two seven now. That means you're gonna hit somebody. And that was what weird to me is like that call, he told the guy to pass behind him. I only watched it once and like, you know, I'm thinking the pilot's landing, they got him on this, they got the helicopter on their screen and once they hear pass behind and then the guy confirms that, that's what he's going to do. Now you're locked in on your approach. You got all these people, you know, their lives in your hands. You know, 60 something people. You locked in on that. I just, I, I don't know what that was. It was complacency. If they had cut through that, I mean, anytime you're crossing the center line in a transition through airspace, even if they say you're clear, like you got like head is on a fucking swivel, you're looking at your screen, you're doing every, everything you can, you know, to double check. Was it nighttime? You know, it reminded me, I remember a long time ago they had a plane crash there because of icing on the, on the wing, which changes that critical shape of the wing, you know, where you're not getting that low pressure and high pressure underneath. You don't have it equalizes it. And then you're. And you don't have lift. And now you're just in this zillion ton garbage can. So the thing went into the water and there was somehow some survivors and it was freezing cold. And I remember there was some guy in the water. He just kept passing the, the helicopter was pulling people out and this guy just kept passing it to other people instead of himself, and he ended up, like, not making it. I remember that. And that's when, like, being on, you know, Time magazine's Man of the Year, that was, like, a big deal to be man of the Year on the COVID of Time magazine. I remember somebody saying, hey, you know the end of the year when you're. You're going to vote for that, don't forget the man in the water. That's what they called them, the man in the water. And of course they did. You know, too much time, too many months had gone by. So then they picked somebody. I remember as a kid, they picked the Ayatollah Khomeini. One year as man of the Year. People like, dude, what the. Like, flipping out. And you kind of be like, didn't they kind of do that on purpose just to get you to flip out and buy the magazine and write in and moan and complain and all that? I don't know, babbling. It's the end of the day. My brain's a little fried here. So let me get into the. The ad reads here, oh, geez.
Bill Burr
Oh, no, wait.
Unknown Guest
I didn't even talk about.
Bill Burr
How about the Lakers picking up that.
Unknown Guest
Fucking dude from the Dallas Mavericks? Like, I don't get that trade at all.
Bill Burr
And I also don't understand why every.
Unknown Guest
Star eventually has to play for the Lakers.
Bill Burr
It's like this unfucking written rule.
Unknown Guest
Like, oh, my God, they haven't won a championship in a couple of years.
Bill Burr
Like, remember David Stern, that guy.
Unknown Guest
Oh, my God, that guy. That guy was a gangster, right? And I remember they asked him one time, what's your dream Finals? NBA, you know? And he goes, oh. He goes, the Lakers vs. The Lakers.
Bill Burr
Right there. You're like, all right, okay, good. Good to know. That's. That's your money. That's your money. So, you know, the paranoid part of me is I'm looking at that trade going like, you know, they. They just need the Lakers to be good. They need to be the. When the Lakers are good, they just make more money. That's just what it is. And what's fucking so sad about the New York Knicks is New York City is basketball. So so many legends came from there. And the Knicks were a little bit of a dry spell. And then the NBA fixed the lottery to make sure Patrick Ewing went there. I'm telling you, it's a fucking business. So he gets there, and you got to look when he got. He got there, it was only two years into Jordan, so the Celtics, Lakers was Still going to go 85, 86, 87, and then the Lakers again in 88 when they went back to back and then it became Lakers, Pistons, Len Bias died, Larry Bird's back gets hurt, and then it's the bad boys for two years and then it's Jordan's decade. And the Knicks just didn't fit into the storyline. Like I think that they were trying to reboot New York City and it never happened for him. And ever since then, because they've been able to make money, not only with.
Unknown Guest
The Lakers being good.
Bill Burr
All of these other cities, Miami, Golden State, they can still fucking make money. They begrudgingly let San Antonio, you know, do what they did, but like they can still make their money off of them. So I feel like New York City is not a fucking priority with the league. The collection of like the owners and stuff, like, you know, they're involved in revenue sharing. At the end of the day, you don't become a billionaire because you lose money. And I think they all just kind of go with it, like, all right, you know, let's make sure this city always has a good team. You know, even if our team sucks, who gives a fuck with the revenue sharing and all of that crap, you know, we're still gonna make our money. You know, kind of like how the Pirates owners do it. I don't know, it just seems like a fucking unbelievably lopsided trade where they had a difference maker who took them to the, you know, the final last year versus a guy who was playing with LeBron and they didn't really get anything. Wait, did they win one with him? I can't remember. Maybe I might be wrong. I don't know what happened.
Unknown Guest
That was just a fucking weird, weird trade to me. I mean, listen, I don't know, I'm a stand up comedian who barely watches anymore, but it's, I just feel like the Lakers really won in, in that and I think the NBA is very happy because nobody gave a fuck about Anthony Davis and LeBron in LA. And I just think feel like financially that is just not good for them. It's not good for the league. So congratulations to the NBA. You know, you got your sparkly stars.
Bill Burr
In the right cities and you guys will make even more money.
Unknown Guest
There you go. You get bigger boats, you know, a better quality of cocaine, whatever the hell.
Bill Burr
It is that you're into.
Unknown Guest
Been fighting off this cold. It's one of those colds where I'm, I'm not congested unless I, I sit down the old. Sit down Colts.
Bill Burr
All right, let's get into the.
Unknown Guest
The ad reads here.
Bill Burr
So congratulations to Lakers fans. You know, you know, no matter how hard those five years are between each championship, just know that all the best players will eventually be on your team. Destination city. My condolences to Orlando, to Charlotte, Atlanta. All of these places that are just never gonna see an NBA championship. And the owners don't give a.
Unknown Guest
Hymns.
Bill Burr
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Unknown Guest
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Bill Burr
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Unknown Guest
Drinking a little bit. The Dayquil or as alcoholics call it, Johnnie Walker Red.
Bill Burr
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Unknown Guest
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Bill Burr
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Unknown Guest
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Bill Burr
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Unknown Guest
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Bill Burr
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Unknown Guest
Man, what are you doing?
Bill Burr
You know, pay like 10 bucks a day. Get the fuck out of here. 60 day satisfaction guarantee. Are you money bait? Money back. I got a gun. Named best home security system by U.S. news & World Report five years in a row. Start the year with greater peace of mind. Visit simplisafe.com burr to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and your first month free. That's simply safe.com. brrrr. There's no safe like Simply Safe. All right, now we're going to get into the Reeds. You know, I was going through the cable and Keith Hernandez has a show.
Unknown Guest
I forget the name of it, but.
Bill Burr
It'S the fucking greatest name for the show. The name of the show is like called like hey, it's Keith Hernandez. How great is that? It just shows you how beloved that guy is. Hey, it's fucking Keith Hernandez. I'll watch that shit. I love that guy.
Unknown Guest
I love when he talks about the fucking old days playing on those Mets teams. I know they should have won more than one, but whatever.
Bill Burr
They won one and they still had.
Unknown Guest
A fucking great time. The stories that they got. Oh my God, they have.
Bill Burr
Look at this, look at this. They're showing all the guy movies. Mob A thon three day event continues next on AMC Goodfellas Casino Blow. Donnie Brasco. There was a couple other ones.
Unknown Guest
Donnie Brasco and Blow both have Johnny Depp. Scarface was another one that has. Scarface is in Donnie Brasco, Scarface. Al Pacino is in Donnie Brasco and Scarface. And then Joe Pesci Is in both fucking what's his face casino and goodfellas. AMC's doing it right. A three day event. Anyway, plowing ahead here. All right. Women's cricket. No, no, that's not what I'm supposed to do. Oh, cigars. Oh, this person's getting on me. This person's getting on me. Hey, Billy. Oprah Tits. That's just mean. Come on, guys, come on.
Bill Burr
Listening to last week's throwback and enjoyed hearing you say you were quitting. Oh, we. On Thursdays we play. We.
Unknown Guest
We play these old episodes of, you know, previous episodes of fucking the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Money Money podcast. If someone was listening to one of these throwback episodes from years ago and. And enjoyed hearing you say you were quitting recreational cigars and only having one on special occasions, it was a great moment when I realized the parallels between you and Fatty who have been talking about turning. Turning it around for half their life.
Bill Burr
Haha.
Unknown Guest
Anyways, thanks for the laughs. That's a fucking great joke. And also I like that you enjoy that I've been failing doing that. Because you know what, as much as you're making fun of me, I know that that means fucked up shit happened to you that you think it's funny that I'm struggling with this. But what actually cured me of it is my daughter, My daughter, like, she lets me smoke like for two weeks and then she goes, you have to do another hundred days. And I'm like, all right. And then I do it. So now I'm on like another hundred day thing. I don't even know how many fucking days I'm into it. I just picked a day like mid January. So I don't know the exact day. So I'm just gonna go until like the beginning of May. Well, that's good, right? I think that's not bad. And then, you know, smoke a little bit. And she goes, dad. I go, all right. And then I just stop again. So I have solved it. All right. Fuck you. I'm not hopeless, you know. All right, where is this women's cricket? I don't know. I like women's sports. I actually do enjoy them, but not for the right reasons, you know, unless they're good at the sport. Like tennis. They're good at. They're good at tennis, they're good at volleyball, and their basketball play is elevating. They're great at fighting. My God, the fucking MMA is insane. But you know, at the end of the day, I'm still a guy, you know, so I'm Rooting for the prettier one.
Bill Burr
Unless the prettier one has gone out.
Unknown Guest
Of her way to be such a fucking douche that I got to root for the other one. I don't know. It's weird.
Bill Burr
It's weird. All right.
Unknown Guest
Women's cricket.
Bill Burr
Hi.
Unknown Guest
Oh, Billy.
Bill Burr
Red, white and blue balls. I'm a 35 year old male from New Zealand. All right, I just, I'm just going to cut straight to the chase here. Lately I've been watching international cricket with my old man. I fucking. Listen, man, that's, that's like baseball.
Unknown Guest
It's a fucking great game if you just have time to sit around watching people whack a ball with a stick.
Bill Burr
You know, if you got the time.
Unknown Guest
In the afternoon, I mean, I don't have any problem with it.
Bill Burr
So the person says, I'm watching with my old man. And I figured, hell, been a while since we, we've been to a game together, let's go to one sometime. So I went to Google some tickets and get this. You don't just watch the men play. You have to sit through the fucking broads playing first. Yeah, they're trying to get it going. They're trying to, they're trying to get this shit going, you know, and women will not show up to support other women. So like, as always, as always, they're gonna pawn it off on us. Now we gotta sit and fucking watch.
Unknown Guest
It.
Bill Burr
You know, and then what? Can you yell like a sports fan? Are you fucking dumb, broad? What'd you do that for? You can't do that. Stop being sex ass. Anyways. And as you probably are probably aware, women's sports just don't hold a candle to men's. No, I wouldn't know some of them. Yeah, look, we know the ones that don't. But like, women's tennis is amazing.
Unknown Guest
And I also, the MMA has been fucking great, you know, and I think.
Bill Burr
Eventually, you know, it's gonna get to a level that guys will be able to watch it. But women, I don't, I don't know.
Unknown Guest
What that deal is. They're just fucking obsessed with guys and whatever the fuck it is that we're doing. They have no fucking interest in watching women do shit unless I did a bit on it. Unless, like Real Housewives, they'll watch them fucking argue with each other.
Bill Burr
It's fucking insane.
Unknown Guest
I don't, I don't know what. But I, you know, I'm glad that's not my issue.
Bill Burr
I told you I can't. I, you know, I babble. On this thing. So I can't remember what is in my specials and what isn't. Was this in my special? Did I ever tell you that time? This is how much guys root for each other. Did I ever tell you at the time, I was at the White Castle in Las Vegas, and, you know, you can order those little ham cheeseburger things and some. These two guys had, like, a fucking briefcase full of them. They ordered, like, the 30 pack, and they get it, and there's like, 10 people in line, and as they're walking out, the guy in front of me, I'm towards the back of the line. The guy in front of me, he goes, dude. He goes, are all those just for you two? And the guy goes, yeah. And the dude just goes, that's fucking awesome. And he high fived him. Complete fucking stranger. Because he bought a 30 pack. A fucking 30 pack of white Castle.
Unknown Guest
Sorry.
Bill Burr
I mean, that's support, ladies. Okay? That's where the bar is. You got to do that next time you see fucking.
Unknown Guest
I don't know, I just think that, like, because they. They're this, like, super smart and shit, and they're always playing, like, these. These mind games and stuff. I don't know that they trust each other. I could be completely wrong. I probably am. I have no idea. Anyway, so he goes, so you're gonna sit through the fucking broads playing first? Continues, he said, and as you're probably aware, women's sports just don't hold a candle to men's, especially professionally. When I told my old man about the women's teams, he kind of rolled his eyes.
Bill Burr
And to say the least, we were both disappointed.
Unknown Guest
I said to him, hell, if I.
Bill Burr
Want to watch a game where the boundary is shorter and the people ain't as good, I'll just go watch some local team at the local cricket pitch for free.
Unknown Guest
God damn it, Bill.
Bill Burr
My old man survived a heart attack.
Unknown Guest
A few years ago.
Bill Burr
He ain't got time to watch that shit. Would love to get your thoughts on all this. Cheers. And your podcast gets me through the night shifts at work. Has been for years. I would show up to the game later, show up to the game later. But, like, by you showing up on time and sitting through it and watching it, you're just signing up for more. So if you really feel that strongly that you don't want to watch this shit, then what I would do is I would show up later, or if you're there, I wouldn't pay attention to it. Or maybe start a.
Unknown Guest
Maybe start a A chant.
Bill Burr
Boring. Oh, my God.
Unknown Guest
Casino's on now. I got them. I got it on mute. You know, they do that. The sound of the traffic going by and they have the. The credits. Oh, my God. Robert De Niro's suits in this movie. Oh, I'm sorry, though. That's the beginning of Goodfellas. Sorry, I get him confused. But anyway, let's keep talking about. Let's keep talking about fucking Casino. Robert De Niro suits in Casino. And that Cadillac that he has, that fucking early 80s El Dorado. I mean, it just doesn't get any better than that. You know, If I had a tailor, I would be like, there's that blue. That blue one that he made. The blue and gray suit that he has. I think he has it on. When that cowboy comes in and tells him to talk to his stupid uncle. No, his stupid nephew. He's trying to get him to, you know, use them more at the thing or whatever. Whatever. Whatever that fucking suit is, it's just. It's incredible. They're incredible suits. Oh, my God. Here you go. Look at it stabbing up. Billy Bats right in the beginning. Shoot, I'm up. Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Even edit it. This is just a masterpiece. Oh, speaking of which, I. When I was on the flight out here, I watched Beverly Hills Cop, which I have not seen in decades. I haven't seen that movie in forever. And I watched that movie. That is a perfect movie for what it's doing, making you laugh. The way it tells the story, the way it moves the performances to. There's not one lull in that movie, and it holds up. And I also love, like, the year. Year it came out, I think was 84, I think, and just how awful American cars were. If you just look at, like, the car that Taggart and Rosewood are sitting in, I think it's a Mercury Zephyr. And what was the. I forget what the Ford version of it was, but. Oh, my God, it was like Band Aid color with tan seats. I mean, it just literally looked like you could put your foot right through the fucking door. And I always wondered, like, you know, if that was an actual unmarked police car. Like, what option was there for a cop engine in the 80s back then? All right, so here we go. Read this next one. Oh, look at that guy. And he's smoking a fucking cigar. Japan motorcycle advice. Konichiwa Bursan.
Bill Burr
Greetings from the Big Tuna. Here's my humble advice. The annual Tokyo Motorcycle show is held at Tokyo Big Site Every year at.
Unknown Guest
The end of March, of course, I'll be working.
Bill Burr
You'll get a mix of old and new. It's an awesome show. And the timing couldn't be better as it coincides with the cherry blossom season. Also something to behold.
Unknown Guest
All right, Maybe I'll do it next year.
Bill Burr
There's the three big museums to check out, too.
Unknown Guest
They are off the beaten path, but.
Bill Burr
You don't want to stay in Tokyo too long. It's a bit of a shit show of tourists since the yen tanked.
Unknown Guest
That's not. That's unfortunate. The Honda Museum is in Mataki. M O T O K I just.
Bill Burr
Forgive me.
Unknown Guest
I'm gonna. I'm gonna mispronounce these. Tochigi.
Bill Burr
T O C H I G I.
Unknown Guest
Which puts you near Nikko and I K o the resting place of Tokugawa. So fucking great names. By the way, do you guys have.
Bill Burr
Wheel of Fortune over there?
Unknown Guest
There's no way you can buy a vowel. This is like Italian. Tokugawa has 1O, 1U and 2A's. It's every other consonant. Vowel. Consonant. Vowel. Consonant. Vowel. Consonant. Vowel. Motoki Consonant.
Bill Burr
Vowel.
Unknown Guest
Consonant.
Bill Burr
Vowel.
Unknown Guest
Consonant.
Bill Burr
Vowel.
Unknown Guest
It's like fucking all right.
Bill Burr
Anyway, I won't bore you with the.
Unknown Guest
Details, but the temple there is a must. The. The Motoki racetrack is there too. Suzuki and Yamaha museums are in Shizu, Jisu, Oka S H I Z U O K A An hour away from Tokyo.
Bill Burr
There you go, sir. I'm sure you'll be getting more advice.
Unknown Guest
Please do a show while you come here.
Bill Burr
Yes.
Unknown Guest
And yes.
Bill Burr
I'm. I'm fucking gonna save that.
Unknown Guest
I'm gonna save this and put this in my to do when you go to Tokyo or go to Japan. That's amazing. Oh my God. I would lose my mind if I got to see that. All right. Italian Motorcycle Museum Holy. Hey, Billy. Four Stroke. I'm glad to hear you'll be visiting Italy this summer. By what? The way I looked at it, every once in a while everybody had to take a beating. You know that when they freeze on the dad with the fucking belt. I love the mom hanging on his arm trying to get him to stop. Anyway, I'm glad to hear you'll be visiting. Visiting Italy this summer. My wife is from Northern Italy in the Piedmont region, and we love the gifts Italy has to offer. As a fellow motorcycle fanatic, I recently checked out the Moto Guzzi factory and museum near Lake Como. It's an absolute must see. Moto Guzzi is a franchising brand kind of like an Italian Harley, they build big lopey V twin engines, but with a twist. The motor is mounted transversely with the cylinder head stick sticking out to the left and the right. Like old B, older BMWs. I don't get that.
Bill Burr
How does that not like heat up.
Unknown Guest
Your leg or burn your leg? I mean, I would not want to, I mean I wouldn't want to wipe out on anything, but that thing's sticking out.
Bill Burr
Jesus Christ.
Unknown Guest
I'd have to see what the bike looks like. I'm sure they, they do something about that. This unique design lets them run a shaft drive instead of a chain or a belt. The Moto Guzzi Museum is steeped in vintage racing history and features a world class display of bikes that any two wheeled enthusiast would appreciate. On top of that, it's hard to imagine a more scenic location for a modern factory beyond the incredible food and espresso. Ah, you'll love the bike scene in Italy. The alpine mountain passes are packed with sleek European sport and touring bikes. While the coastal areas are a haven for classic two stroke Vespas and compact naked motorcycles. I'm gonna rent a Vespa when I'm over there, take my wife around. If you find yourself down south, I think you dig the city of Matera. It's the third oldest city in the world and looks like nowhere else on earth. Looking forward to hearing all about your Italian adventure on the podcast. Keep the rubber side down and go fuck yourself. Hey, you know, I saw this thing the other day showing this motorcycle that couldn't tip over. You just couldn't tip it over. And the person was completely encased. So it's, to me, that's not a fucking motorcycle. It's like you were in like a look like you were in like a lipstick tube is what it looks like. And how it somehow stays up is they got two like spinning wheels, gyroscopic procession, you know, all of that stuff like I learned when I got my pilot's license. As far as like, you know, how you're able to like lean the way you are and as long as the wheels are turning or whatever, how you don't fall down and all of that stuff, somehow it has to do with that. I still don't understand the physics of it. One spins one way, the other spins the other. Now I do know with helicopters when you have a twin blade system, one turns clockwise, the other turns counterclockwise and that cancels out the need for a tail rotor because it's, you know, both of them offset the direction that they want to turn the helicopter. So somehow using that on a motorcycle, like, you can't tip over. Like, people, like, kicking the thing and it doesn't tip over. I'm still sure, you know, if you get t boned by a truck, you're dead. I have no idea. I don't know. It was. It was fascinating, but. And then people were like, well, how much does something like this cost? And I saw quotes anywhere from 80 grand to 100 grand. But, like, one of the great things about riding a motorcycle is, you know, it's. You're. You're not. Like, this thing was like, all you had metal all around you. You were enclosed, like, you were in.
Bill Burr
Like, an F16, like, cockpit.
Unknown Guest
And it's just the front part, not the wings or anything, you know, and it didn't look as cool. You know, you don't smell any smells. You don't feel. You wouldn't feel the temperature difference or anything like that or the wind or anything. Like, everything that makes it, like, exciting or alive to be on one of those things. So it's kind of interesting. So I imagine that technology will eventually. That'll eventually lead to maybe regular motorcycles. I have no idea. But I do know this. That will cut down on a ton of videos that I watch if nobody's just wiping out on motorcycles anymore. I mean, so much of my Instagram viewing is just watching these people, not like, you know, watching crashes. I don't want to see that.
Bill Burr
Like, well, look, somebody's driving like a.
Unknown Guest
Lunatic and they crash. I don't learn anything from that because I don't ride like that.
Bill Burr
But if somebody's just going around a.
Unknown Guest
Turn and they, you know. You know, you don't look your way through the turn. You just start looking at something. You drive right towards it. We've all done that. Like, I learned from watching those things. My thing right now is I want.
Bill Burr
To take one of those courses where.
Unknown Guest
You see, like, those cops and they got the big fucking baggers, and they can ride them, like, a quarter mile an hour and do, like, these tight turns. And I'm like, I really feel like I would, like, I would want to know how to do that so you could really, truly master the bike. A big bike like that and the scariness of how fucking heavy that thing is and how scary it is when you're going slow that if you fucking tip past a certain point, there's nothing you can do, and it's going down. So, anyway, that is the podcast. I am out here in New York and I could not be more thrilled to be a part of Glengarry Glen Ross that's going to be coming out next month. I've never done Broadway. I cannot believe it. I'm trying not to think about it, you know, so I don't get freaked out. And I'm just really trying to go, like. Like, one day at a time.
Bill Burr
You know what I mean?
Unknown Guest
Like, all right, if I. If I look at this whole fucking run, I'm gonna be in the fetal position going, what the did I do? But if I just kinda. All right, tomorrow we just do some.
Bill Burr
Rehearsing and, you know, we'll fucking.
Unknown Guest
I'll get through this. And with that, who are you guys.
Bill Burr
Thinking in the super bowl, will the Cavs and Sonny chase? Three people. I feel like the Eagles have the.
Unknown Guest
They have the team to beat them.
Bill Burr
I also wonder, like, how much they're.
Unknown Guest
Gonna have to be up by to actually win the game, though. But I don't want to get into that. I said I wasn't gonna get into that.
Bill Burr
So we'll just.
Unknown Guest
We'll just fucking leave it at that. All right, that's it. That's it for Billy Redface. Thank you guys for listening. Go yourselves, and I will check in.
Bill Burr
On you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast: Children's Theater, Luka, Women's Cricket | Episode 2-4-25
Release Date: February 4, 2025
Host: Bill Burr
Guest: [Unknown Guest]
Duration: Approximately 58 minutes
[00:00] Bill Burr:
Bill opens the podcast with his characteristic rant about societal trends, focusing on the ubiquitous phrase “I’m done apologizing.” He criticizes individuals who post their minor problems on social media, suggesting that their issues are often overblown. Bill states, “I am done apologizing for living my life” (00:12) and mocks the superficiality he perceives in modern apologies.
[02:12] Unknown Guest:
The guest echoes Bill’s frustration, contemplating adopting the phrase “I’m done apologizing” as a conversational exit strategy. This leads to a discussion about the authenticity and necessity of apologies in personal interactions.
The podcast includes advertisements for HIMS.com and SimplySafe.com. These sections have been omitted from the summary as per instructions.
[07:10] Unknown Guest:
The guest shares excitement about their first day working on "Glengarry Glen Ross" in New York City, describing the experience of meeting the cast and participating in a table read. They express optimism about their acting career, stating, “I think this is gonna be a good time” (07:38).
[07:45] Bill Burr:
In response, Bill remains nonchalant, focusing on his own mantra of not apologizing: “I’m just going to take it one day at a time. Done apologizing to people” (07:50).
[08:18] Unknown Guest:
The guest elaborates on managing personal relationships, mentioning how they communicate with their daughter and son through FaceTime and engaging in playful conversations to maintain connections despite a busy schedule.
[10:33] Unknown Guest:
Anecdotes about marital disagreements over trivial matters, such as macaroni and cheese, highlight the dynamics of Bill’s relationship. The guest humorously discusses the difficulty of resolving conflicts without conceding, emphasizing stubbornness in disagreements.
[11:04] Bill Burr:
Bill reflects on his tendency to feel the need to apologize for being himself, expressing frustration with continual apologies: “I've always just felt like I've had to apologize for being me” (08:18).
[08:47] Unknown Guest:
The conversation delves into broader social issues, including opinions on transgender individuals and societal acceptance, with Bill questioning the rationale behind prejudices.
[14:22] Bill Burr:
Bill reminisces about past experiences, such as playing in a children’s theater production of "The Music Man," recalling a particularly memorable and awkward classmate's enthusiastic performance. He shares, “He was yelling like he scored a touchdown” (15:56).
[16:33] Unknown Guest:
The guest comments on the classmate's later life, noting they've encountered him in adulthood and that he turned out "all right."
[17:10] Bill Burr:
Bill discusses his initial struggles with acting and being placed in minor roles but finds joy in the experience, suggesting a newfound appreciation for the craft: “I think I kind of love acting” (17:28).
[25:48] Bill Burr:
Transitioning to sports, Bill critiques recent Lakers' trades, expressing confusion and disappointment over team management decisions. He questions the logic behind trading star players, stating, “I don't get that trade at all” (25:48).
[26:33] Unknown Guest:
The guest agrees, analyzing the financial motivations behind the NBA’s focus on profitable teams like the Lakers, and laments the neglect of other franchises like the New York Knicks: “New York City is not a fucking priority with the league” (28:06).
[29:59] Bill Burr:
Bill sarcastically congratulates the NBA for favoring teams in lucrative markets, reinforcing his skepticism about the league’s priorities: “You guys will make even more money” (29:59).
[39:50] Bill Burr:
Bill shifts to discussing women's cricket, expressing his lack of interest and dismissing women's sports as less engaging than men's. He comments, “women's sports just don't hold a candle to men's” (41:26).
[42:09] Unknown Guest:
The guest humorously reflects on men's camaraderie in sports, contrasting it with his perception of women's relational dynamics: “They’re always playing, like, these mind games and stuff” (43:22).
[44:56] Unknown Guest:
Continuing on the topic, the guest shares personal anecdotes about watching sports with his father and the disconnect regarding preferences in sporting events, highlighting generational differences in sports fandom.
[35:28] Bill Burr:
Bill discusses classic films like "Goodfellas," "Casino," and "Beverly Hills Cop," praising their enduring appeal and critiquing the automotive designs of the era. He reflects on the stylistic elements of these movies, emphasizing their cultural significance: “That is a perfect movie for what it's doing, making you laugh” (43:22).
[48:06] Unknown Guest:
The guest shares enthusiasm for motorcycle exhibits in Japan, detailing the uniqueness of Moto Guzzi’s designs and the appeal of motorcycle culture in Italy: “The Moto Guzzi Museum is steeped in vintage racing history” (48:35).
[56:58] Bill Burr:
As the podcast concludes, Bill expresses excitement and anxiety about his upcoming role in "Glengarry Glen Ross," maintaining his theme of tackling challenges one step at a time: “I'm trying not to think about it, you know, so I don't get freaked out” (56:58).
[57:52] Bill Burr:
In his closing remarks, Bill encourages listeners to continue supporting the podcast, signing off with his trademark gruff humor: “That's it for Billy Redface. Thank you guys for listening” (57:52).
In this episode of the Monday Morning Podcast, Bill Burr engages in a candid and humorous conversation with an unknown guest, touching upon personal anecdotes, societal critiques, sports analysis, and pop culture reflections. The discussion oscillates between lighthearted banter and sharp observations, providing listeners with Bill's unfiltered take on various topics. From navigating personal relationships and venturing into acting to dissecting NBA trades and critiquing women's sports, the episode offers a blend of comedy and commentary quintessential to Bill Burr's style.
Note: Timestamps correspond to the transcript provided and are formatted as [MM:SS]. Sections with advertisements have been excluded from this summary.