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Monday Morning Podcast
Commercials, Cops & Protesters, Getting Pulled Over | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-27-25
01:39:44
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- [00:00]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, Just before Friday Monday Morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? I'm obviously a little under the weather. I finally caught a cold going down to D.C. to do that gig for my buddy. And then coming back, my favorite expression in the world is, no good deed goes unpunished. So that's what happens, you know, when I go down there, I'm gonna do this fucking thing because it's the right thing to do. And I owe this guy for all the things that he's done for me. I'm gonna go down there, God damn it, because that's the way I was raised. And what happens, right? And you do the good thing, right? And what does Mother Nature say? Oh, look at you fucking running around like a little goody two shoes. Well, I got something for you. Here's a common cold. Give you the fucking right there, Fred. I will tell you, though, ever since I've discovered raw ginger and honey, it doesn't get down in my throat too, too much. I literally just woke up, though. That's why I sound like a fucking toad. Anywho, I'm over hump day this week. You know, this Broadway schedule is fucking cool. I actually like it a lot. Come in Monday you do one, Tuesday you do another one. Then Wednesday you knock out two, and it's like, holy shit, we've already done half the shows we need to do this week. So Wednesday, still hump day. And now today and tomorrow, I got one show. Look at me. Footloose and fancy free. And then Saturday, you know, you finish strong fucking with two shows, and then you got your day off, then you start all over again. It has been a ridiculous, ridiculous amount of fun. And I'm really enjoying watching all the other actors, they keep adding stuff, bringing stuff up, bringing stuff down, making different choices and stuff, and just getting everything, like, super, super tight. So on Monday is our. Our opening night, the official night there. So I think we're gonna be in good shape. Our directors, Patrick and Rory have been killing it, so I think. I think we're all right. Oh, man, I haven't said that. I've just been. Because I've been sick. I haven't done any stand up, and I've just been, like, laying around my corporate apartment and then going over to the theater, doing the show and then coming right back, and I got a little boogie fever. I got cabin fever. And, yeah, I told you a Buddy of mine got me this car model. So I've been sitting here by myself with a fucking head Cole, staring at the blank walls with no photos on them. Painting this model. I feel like a widower, you know, Like I'm fucking like 90 years old. You know, nobody tells you if you live this long, you don't have any more friends. That's what they don't tell you. You know, they don't. You don't think about. I saw this thing the other day. Mike Yastremsky was talking to 102 year old World War II veteran and he. I was just thinking, 102 fucking years old. You have to be the only guy left in your high school graduating class. You know, I had a relative that lived to be almost 105. My grandmother. And she was on her third set of friends. Like every time I would. I used to do the, the Funny Bone in Indiana and I used to stay at her house and it was really cool. I would just stay at her house instead of the comedy condo. And I would drive like whatever into the city to go do the shows. And she used to play cards like three, four times a week. We'll play bridge, like some serious. That really kept your mind sharp and stuff like, I don't know what, I don't know what it was that. And she drank black coffee. You know, when somebody lives that long, people always try to figure out like what is it that they're doing. I. Nobody knows. So whatever. So she lived and you know, I did that for years and like would visit her and there would be, you know, she would play with three other women and every once in a while one of the women wouldn't be there and there'd be somebody new and she's. Oh yeah, she passed away. I'm not like making light of it, but it was just like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Jesus, Bill, you got a little head cold. Now you're going to talk about the loneliness of living to be a. What do they call that? A centurion. What do they call it on the news? You know, when the, when the weather guy gets out there and just goes so and so. Turned 103 today and you just see him like. I think it all depends on like how active you are or not. You know what I mean? I like that guy that. Who lived forever, that was in San Francisco and he would jog like three miles a day, you know, still out there. God, Lord. How the. Did his knees and hips handle that? What's the deal with people over a hundred. So I made this stupid little concoction off the Internet. Lemon ginger honey. Usually has cayenne pepper. But my buddy goes, no, use the cinnamon one. I don't know if you're supposed to put cinnamon in it. I don't think you're supposed to, but there was a recipe for it. I think he misspoke because he was saying his girlfriend always makes that for him. So whatever. I've been drinking this witch's brew and I'm going out today, though. It's fucking nice out. I'm on the other side of it here anyway. I have no idea what's going on in the world. My. The cables out on this place or whatever the. Whatever you call now, the satellite, the feed, the streaming. The streaming's not streaming. And, like, there's, like, a phone number here with my little packet on how to use everything in this corporate apartment. And I just. I just. Like, I'm not doing that. So. So that's it. I started to watch Panic and Needle park, which is a Al Pacino movie from the early 70s, but it was a really bad copy on YouTube, so. And then I went over to go to Amazon, and they. And we're playing commercials. It's like, do you want to go ad free? It's like, yeah, I paid for that. Then we sneak the thing in. Like, I pay for no commercials on YouTube. So now what they do is if you click on a video really quickly because it's not on YouTube, it used to just take you to fucking YouTube. Now what happens is you click on it and it goes like, Domino's Pizza has a new fucking Steph Curry. And then you click on it. And the people that write that copy, like, have the actor say the name of the product, you know, immediately Viagra is your dick stared at the floor. Click. And then you fucking go right onto the thing. It's so fucking annoying. Annoying. It's so annoying. It's so annoying the way this whole thing has been set up, this whole thing that you just got to try to get every nickel and dime you can out of somebody. God forbid there's a split second that they click on something, there's a chance to advertise and make some money. And then these fucking people that are allegedly human beings that just sit in fucking rooms and figure out how to annoy the shit out of people doing stuff like that, and they don't even give a fuck. So many fucking people are built that way now. Like, they get off on just going around annoying people. I should talk with my fucking stand up act, right? Anyway, so, yeah, I've been. I've been just like not watching the news. I saw this new, like, you know, if you coming in back into this country, they can confiscate your phone and go through it. I have to tell you something. The way that they have us divided and the shit that people on one side or the other are signing off on and having no fucking problem with, they're turning this fucking thing into a goddamn dictatorship. Slowly but surely, ever since, fuck, 9, 11. They can read your emails, they can listen to your phone number, phone calls, they can go through your fucking phone. It's all, well, hey, man, if you're.
- [09:09]
Unknown
Not doing anything wrong, like that shit.
- [09:12]
Bill Burr
Like, I saw this thing, right? This clip, I think it was on, on YouTube, right? And it was these environmental protesters and they want to bring awareness to that we're destroying the planet. Which is true. Which is a valid thing to do. So what do these fucking idiots do? They block the road and just make everybody ma. Like, I don't understand. It's like, don't you want people to be in a good mood so they can hear whatever your message is? Instead you make them late. What if somebody's going to dialysis? So God forbid some woman's in labor. What the are you doing? Idiots, right? So they. There's like five of them. All these women, right? Little skinny vegan looking women, right? They block the road. So the cop shows up with like this fucking Dodge Ram and he drives in and he just plows into like this they. That's like some sort of like, trailer or something they put across the road. Like something you would carry a car on or something. He just plows into a Dukes of Hazzard style and they're like, what the fuck? And then he whips around and starts driving right at him. And he's on the thing going, you better get out of the way, or something like that. Then he gets out of the fucking truck and he pulls out either a taser or a gun. He's going, get on a fucking ground. Get on a fucking ground. Right? Fucking idiot. Total overreaction. He could have fucking like. Like, they're morons. They're absolute morons. What they're doing is annoying, but his reaction to it is just as fucking stupid. Like, what are you doing? You're damaging the fucking truck for no goddamn reason. You plowing into the fucking thing. You're acting like you're in some fucking action movie. And then you pull out your weapon and you're pointing it fucking five vegans that collectively maybe weigh 200 pounds. They're not fucking armed. They weren't being violent. They didn't hurt anybody. It was a total overstep of his fucking authority. But people that don't like fucking liberals and everything, look, that's good police work. That's good. It isn't good police work. There's nothing about. It was good fucking police work. And it's like, wait till that fucking gets turned around on you when it's a fucking issue that you give a shit about and you're exercising your right to fucking protest. Here's the thing. I thought the fucking idiots who blocked the road were idiots and I thought the cops reaction to it was a bunch of fucking idiots.
- [11:35]
Unknown
That's.
- [11:36]
Bill Burr
I don't know, I'm self centered. I feel like that's the point that should have been made. I'm taking a sip of my broth. Fucking like the level of like anger that this cop had because these idiots blocked this fucking road. He could have just came up be like, what, what are you ladies? What are we doing here? I understand. I want to clean up the environment too, but there's people here. Somebody could be on dialysis. We can't do this. This is dangerous. There could be a fire. An ambulance is trying to get through. This is not the way to get your point across, okay? I don't want to have to arrest you. Can we just clear this out of the way here? You could do that. Calm voice, not escalating the situation. And this guy comes in like, boy, Luke, do get egg. Fucking win a beat of that boo. He fucking comes in having his cop fantasy, acting like a jerk off, complete jerk off. But they have us so fucking divided that that behavior is all right because it aligns with your products, your politics. I'll tell you one of my favorite things is how each side thinks the other side is dumb. And then each side thinks the other side's a bunch of babies. Specifically, the right thinks that liberals are a bunch of fucking snowflakes. Whiny, entitled. Which, I mean, come on, that's pretty true, right? But like for conservative people to act like they're not the biggest babies also is hilarious. Have you seen this? My people, Whitey, we're all upset. There's enough of us to get it going, trending. Anyway, were upset about the new Cinderella movie. The actress playing Cinderella isn't white. There's no prince. They changed the story.
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Unknown
What am I going to tell my kids?
- [13:43]
Bill Burr
The Shit that my people get upset about. What am I gonna tell my kids? Well, fucking talk around it the way you do the. We talk around the real history of this country. I think you can do that. For you to talk around fucking genocide and slavery, I think you could talk around a stupid fucking movie about some broad who didn't exist. You can't do that. Go take him to go see fucking Pinocchio. I don't like Pinocchio. Cuz that fucking wooden puppet transitions into a real boy. First of all, I don't like trans people and God only makes real boys, not some immigrant named Geppetto. What am I supposed to tell my kids? And then you got on the other side, you got on the other side, you got all the fucking liberals, you know, hey, how you doing, sweetheart? Call me sir, right? Doing all of that shit and having a fucking, absolute fucking meltdown. And that's basically what it is. It's my people having meltdowns while ignoring truly oppressed people in this country. Listen, I know you don't get the opportunities. I do, but I really have to just. Can we just talk about the new Cinderella movie right now? Okay? Oh my God. Like, I don't even know what to tell my children anyway. I woke up this morning, bo do boo doo. And I have to clean up. You know, I'm keeping this apartment clean because it's depressing enough to not be out here with my family and all of that, right? And the heat that's just still just coming in, like I'm having like fever dreams here. So I'm cleaning this place up. And every once in a while I like to watch that Susan Boyle clip, You know, when she comes out and she sings Les Mis on American Idol. And it's such a, such a fucking amazing moment because she comes out and like she literally looks like a woman from like the fucking early 1800s, you know what I mean? Before any woman could get her hair done, get her eyebrows plucked and all of that stuff, right? She come out like she's just built like she can survive on the frontier. So no one thinks this angelic voice is going to come out of her body. And then all of these, you know, that we're all like crying and oh my God, who would think something beautiful what. Something as beautiful as that would come out of that. And then I always love like how the host kind of put it on the crowd also rather than they didn't say it themselves. Like none of them said like, wow, you came out looking like a battle ax. I never Thought something beautiful would come out of this package because I remember like Simon Cowell, she goes, how old are you? She goes, 47. And he fucking rolls his eyes. Which you're not supposed to do. They're supposed to act like ageism doesn't exist or that they're against that. He just rolls his fucking eyes like, lady, you've been washed up for two decades. And then in the end, that Pierce guy, who I thought he was a journalist, I don't know what the he's doing on that show. So he goes like, you know, there wasn't anyone in this room that was on your side. It's like, how do, how do you know that. That you're superimposing what the you thought when she came out on this stage? So I always like that whole thing, you know, I always like watching that whole thing and getting choked up watching her by myself, getting teary eyed watching her crushing that song. And then you look at her, it's like, yeah, of course she didn't make it this business. She's a humble, nice human being. She thinks of others. She just seems like a really nice person that's not like super competitive and willing to fucking do anything that she has to do to make it in this business. And then she comes around at 47, keeping it real.
- [17:59]
Unknown
Looking like she should.
- [18:00]
Bill Burr
Be walking out there with a rolling pin chasing some fucking street kids off her stoop, right? And she comes out and fucking kills it. I don't know why. Every once in a while I think of it and I watch it and it makes me teary eyed and it also makes me laugh. All right, Sorry, just had a sneezing fit. Oh, I got the itchies, I got the itchy throat here. Anyway, and having said all of that, I thought she was going to stink too, you know what I mean? Because you're like, there's no way something, a singing, beautiful, singing voice is coming out of that. You know, it's just what you thought. And you know why you think things like that? Because that's how God made us, that's why. Not because of society or anything like that. Society developed by the way human beings think. And the way human beings think is the way God made us. And he made us that way because he either didn't give a or wanted to be endlessly entertained with the backbiting, the psychopaths. Like a buddy of mine just did a gig in some fucking country and they were saying, there's two people running for fucking office. There was the fucking iron Fist person. And then the person like, hey, man, like, like, what if, like, you know, people, like, could, like, you know, like, chill, you know, I'm saying, man. So the iron fist person just put the other one in jail. They do that every fucking time. And it's like, why doesn't the nice person ever put the fucking asshole in prison? It just never works that way. Like, the fucking asshole is willing to do anything that they have to fucking do to get where they're they're at. Like, why does God make people like that? Like, these horrible, fucking mean people. I want to. Like, I got this new idea for a joke that I. I can't do it on this thing. It has to do with the robots that they're making and why they need them to feel human emotion. It's pretty. I'm not gonna lie to you. It's not the most uplifting thing I've ever done. So anyway, had good shows all this week. For the first time this week, I up a line and I went totally blank. Which theater people say, you're in the white room. And I had no idea where the fuck I was gonna go. And I went back and forth a couple times with the other actor, and then he knew where it was going, and he just asked me a question about my next line, and that made me pop. And I was just like, what a was Michael McKeon? And he just laid it right in my lap, and I was able to cruise the rest of the way. And then I was, like, beating myself up because, no, man, he goes, it happens. And it totally. It fucking happens. The da da da da da. And I was like, all right, I guess got a. That. Okay. I just have to learn that that's gonna happen every once. I didn't freak out. I just sat there like, well, I don't know what to do now. And we just. We talked back and forth a couple of times, and the crowd actually laughed at, like, what we were saying. And nobody noticed. Obviously, the director and the other cast members noticed. They're like, dude, you skipped half a age. And. Yeah, so I was kind of beating myself up, and then I was like, all right, I got to kill the second act. Second act went great. And I just, like, through doing stand up and trying to get somewhere and stand up, I learned this is for people. Like, whatever the you're trying to do in life, you got to be forgiving of yourself. You just got to be like, I'm gonna make mistakes. I'm gonna up. Everybody does it. And you just gotta, like, Laugh about it. And it's. Then you end up learning something from it. And you also end up gaining poise. Because if you can kind of be in a difficult situation, stay relaxed and kind of just sit there like, you know, you're in on the joke too of you up is it makes it, I don't know, it's a lot easier to. To get through. I mean that's one way to go through life. Or you can go through another way through life is you pull out a taser or a gun and you point it at five soccer mom vegans. It almost seems staged because it would. Because the liberals were saying such dumb like we're environmentalists, we're protesters. It's like, would anybody actually fucking say that with a fucking weapon pointed at him? Maybe they do. I don't know. Sometimes cliches are true. The whole thing just seemed like a cliche, you know, like the rat doesn't.
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Unknown
Put up with it. You stick that road, we'll fucking drive it over a truck.
- [23:02]
Bill Burr
Stick, gun, your face, say now what, bitch? I'm late for my biscuits and gravy.
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Unknown
Right?
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Bill Burr
And then the liberals are all like.
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Unknown
Oh my God, I'm trying to say.
- [23:11]
Bill Burr
The butterflies, you mean. Man, I fucking shoot. Shoot you in the face. I don't shave my vagina because society told me I was supposed to get so like, come on. They really make people like this. I've gone to all the states, I've hung, drank with all of these people. People are cool. I have met some knuckleheads along the way. But Most people are 80, I think. Nice. 80%. 80% are cool. I do remember one time fucking driving like 90 miles an hour. Like not 90, probably like 70 miles an hour. I landed in Denver and I was driving 70 miles an hour in the wrong direction for like an hour. And then I was like, oh, I went the wrong way. This is back when you just had a Rand McNally map. It's in Colorado. So I start driving 80 the other way. This guy was in a Ford Bronco that was like his car and he had like blue lights on the dash. And I'm. He's coming the other way on a two lane road and I'm flying and he drives at me. Almost drove me off the road like for half a second. He was like playing chicken with me. And then, and then I pull over in the. It was so terrifying. This dude gets out, young kid. He didn't have the whole cop outfit. All he had was the cop shirt tucked into his Wrangler. Jeans. And he came up and he punched my window. This is all because I was speeding. Let's. By the way, I was in the middle of nowhere. It wasn't like it was a school zone. I was out on the prairies. I was in the middle of nowhere. And this guy, like, total hothead. And I'm just sitting there going like, this guy's gonna blow my brains out if I say one. Like, hey, man, can you relax? So I don't know what it is. Maybe because it's so slow out there, nothing ever happens, you know? And then you just sit out there, you know, behind a billboard waiting for somebody to speed by. Like in that. What is that movie my kids always watch? Lightning McQueen. I don't know. I got pulled over a lot. Every time you time that guy wanted me to pull over and I didn't. I'll tell you that story then. I gotta go get some coffee. I gotta get out of here. All right, so one time I was doing. I was doing a gig. I can't remember what. And I'm still not going to say what city I was in, but I was late. And I come to the airport and I'm looking, I need to put gas in the car. I gotta return it with the full tank or they're gonna charge me all this money. Looking back, I didn't have time to do that. I should have just dropped the rental car off and ate the money. But instead I come tearing into the airport and there's the car rental drop off. But you had to drive all the way through the airport to get to the other side to where the gas station was. So I was like, what the fuck? So I'm driving like you're supposed to be driving like 20 miles an hour. I was driving like 50 in the left lane. This, now this was dangerous. So I'm driving through and all of a sudden I see this cop. You know, everybody's getting out and putting their luggage down on the sidewalk to check it. He steps off the curb and he starts walking out, like, perpendicular, like he's going to almost like walk into the side of my car. And he's pointing right at me. And I don't know what happened. This voice in my head said, yeah, fuck this guy. I'm not stopping. So it was weird because it wasn't me. It was just this idea I had and I just went with it. I was like, all right, I guess that's what we're doing. We're not stopping. So I immediately came up with a game plan. Don't look at the guy. Don't look away, you know, Michael Corleone. I just kept looking straight. Like, I didn't see the guy. So we're getting closer and closer to, like, you know, a midair collision here on the ground, and he starts walking more briskly, and he's waving his arm at me, and I just went, wow. Went right by him. And I was so in character that when I looked in the rear view mirror, the only part of my head that moved was my eyes. I didn't even move. I just glanced in the rear view mirror.
- [27:39]
Unknown
And he was standing in the.
- [27:41]
Bill Burr
Middle of the road, and I saw him. He, like, reached up to, like, his shoulder where his little fucking CB was, and he talked into it. And then I was like, oh, no, right? And he looks so fucking surprised that I didn't stop. You know, he's like, wait, but I have on the uniform. I said, still, like, it never even entered his mind that the fact that he was on foot and I'm in a car going 50 miles an hour, that I had any sort of an advantage. So he calls his buddies, and now I'm going like, I am dying, laughing at how fucking stupid he looked and surprised he looked. And I kept going. And I was like, okay, you got to get it together. You got to get it together. We got. We got to sell this. We got to sell it. Like, oh, what? Oh, I didn't know, like, that's what the fuck I was going to try to pull off. But I couldn't stop fucking laughing. I think I was also, like, super nervous that I just ignored a cop that told me to fucking pull over. So I get into the gas station, and I know the cops are coming. And, dude, I. I am laughing so hard, I can't even. I could barely stand. I'm laughing so hard. The guy on the other side of the pump, like, sort of, like, looked over to see, like, I'm talking, like. Like doing that. Like, wheezing. Almost no sound coming out. My face is. Is. My whole head is red as a tomato, and I'm in this panic going, you got to stop laughing. You got to stop laughing. They're coming. They're coming. And it just got to the point I couldn't stop laughing. And then I just gave into it. I'm like, I'm just gonna. I guess I'm gonna get arrested or miss my flight. I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen. But, like, when they pull up and I'm laughing at them like, you Know, this isn't gonna be good. This isn't gonna be good. And ended up finishing filling up my tank. And they didn't. They didn't come. So now I'm like, what the fuck? Now I'm done laughing. I'm back in the car. Now I have to drive back into the airport and I got to go buy this cop again. I'm like, how am I going to pretend like I didn't see him twice? So I go to the airport. Then, fortunately, as I mentioned before, the drop off for the rental car was before where I saw the cop. So I fucking pulled in there, dropped the car off. Now, I don't know if he got the plate or whatever or any of that shit. Then I'm going into the airport and all that. I'm fucking, like, feeling like I'm in Midnight Express. Is somebody gonna catch me? Long story short, nothing happened. I think what happened was he was so not fucking prepared for me not to stop. And he was so surprised, which was why he had that look on his face that made me fucking laugh that he didn't get a plate or anything. And I actually got away with it. And I got on the plane and. Oh, you know what's funny? I never told my wife that story. I never told neither. That I think I told her like a couple years later. So, like, you know, she could laugh about it because she would have been like, you know, she would have said, what? Anyways, why don't you just stop? You realize you were the. You were the entitled driving like 50 miles an hour. So there you go. So here I am trashing that cop for over reacting. And I have that same thing. And maybe that's why I didn't like what the cop did, because I see that ugliness in me. There we go. You see that? It comes all full circle. And you know what? I don't mind a vegan meal. You know, I used to go to this Ethiopian restaurant out in. In la and it was fucking fantastic. Fantastic goddamn food. Anyway. All right, that's. That's the podcast. I'm gonna have a sneezing fit here. Thank you to everybody that's been coming out to the show, man, we have just been having so much fun performing it for you. And you know, the tone that Michael, Kieran and Bob have been setting, you know, just being regular guys has just made it. It's just like this killer hanging every day, you know what I mean? Like most people, we hang out in the general area shooting the shit, people bringing food in it's it's, it's fucking. It's so fucking perfect. I'm nervous if I ever do Broadway again, that's like, there's no way it's gonna be this good. So with that environment, we're having great shows. So if you get a chance, if you're in New York, definitely come down and check it out. This is one of the best plays ever written, and I am so psyched to be a small part of it. All right, the producers are sitting in the room right now with a gun to my head, so I'd say, hold on, I'm with you. All right, that's the podcast. Go yourselves. Enjoy your weekend, your cons, and the music Andrew Thunnel's picked out. And we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. See ya.
- [32:59]
Unknown
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning party for Monday, March 27, 2000, was it 17, 2017. Decades flying by. You know what happened to 2011, 12, 13. Can somebody tell me that 14 was cool? Vaguely remember 15 and then 16. You know, I want to thank everyone who whined so much about it last year. Oh, my God, this is the worst year ever. I mean, that one's pretty vivid. A lot of crying, a lot of crying. And I don't mean for the right reasons, like David Bowie and Prince passing, but, you know, you know, Hillary losing and that type of shit. Lot. A lot of crying, a lot of whining. Anyways, I. I don't even know what the fuck to tell you. I've been. Been being fucking daddy daycare here. You know what I did for the first time, we finally went out, right? Me and Neil were going fucking crazy because you have a baby. You have a little baby, you have a little lady. This is the thing. If it's your first kid, you're fucking scared to death. You're like, I can't take this thing outside. It's. It's gonna get Ebola. You get all fucking nervous, you know, and then it's got to get its fucking immunizations and all of that type of shit. And you just like going, yeah, who do I fucking believe here? Jesus Christ, I'll tell you, those fucking shots. This is what I actually, I just sat down. I was like, nobody who's ever been in the medical field told me not to do it. I've had comedians, high school friends, fucking actresses. A bunch of non doctors have advised to go, what am I not going to get her fucking vaccinated for polio. No, it's not that. What it is is this. Shut the. Do you even own a lab coat? All you're doing is scaring the shit out of me. So anyways, so we were, you know. You're fucking afraid. So finally we're just like, all right, fuck this. We got a stroller, you know? So we started taking walks around the block. But my block has, like, the shittiest sidewalk. It's like, you know, the ground's all shifted out here. There's tree roots pushing it up. You have no idea. When you're just walking down the street, you know, you start pushing the strolling. You're trying to keep the kid quiet, you know, because she finally fell asleep. It's like I'm pushing my daughter up the street. It's like fucking liquid nitrogen. I'm just trying to keep her. I don't want to ever start crying. Middle of the street, just going down the street, waking everybody up. And I guess they were already awake. I don't know. So we finally ended up going to the mall. I had that experience. I went to the mall with my wife and my kid. We pulled in, had to take out a stroller, take her out of the car seat, put her in, and start walking around the mall. And I gotta tell you, it was fucking awesome. I. For the first time in my life, I get the mall. I get it. You know, it's for teenage kids when they're trying to get away from their parents. Like, mom, just leave me alone. I want to hang with my friends. That era before you have a license, really, you can't really go anywhere. You just need some sense of fucking freedom. And it's for. After you become a parent, you have to get out of the fucking house into some sort of controlled environment where there's enough goddamn people that you don't have to worry about anybody snatching your goddamn kid. You know? So we walked around and just had a great fucking time. It was like the perfect day. And, you know, Neo is all excited to be out because, you know, women just. Oh, Jesus. The shit they go through, being the guy, it's the best. I swear to God. It's why they fucking. I think it's why they make our lives so goddamn miserable, is they. They see how easy it is. And the thing is, we don't realize how easy it is because we've only been us. You know what I mean? How long it takes them to get ready? Do you know how long it takes me to get Ready? Now I got a fucking shaved head. I mean, I don't even have to do anything. You could literally hose me off in the backyard, and I could, you know, I'd be ready in like, seven minutes, easy. Seven minutes. Because I always got to run around and find my cell phone for like, five of those minutes. But, you know, if I. If I actually was organized and knew where all my shit was, I could be. I could be ready in like three minutes anyways. Yeah, they go through all of that shit, you know what I mean? They got a breastfeed, they got. They gotta. They gotta pump all of that crap. I don't have to do any of that, you know what I mean? So she was going nuts, dealing with everything that nature put on her, and she finally had to get out of the house. And it's the happiest I've seen her. We walked around, had a great time. You know what they have at malls now? This is the second mall I've been to that they have like a Tesla store. Like, you can go in. Like, who the just goes to the mall and buys a car? You know what I mean? You go there, you buy sunglasses, right? A fucking hula hoop, whatever. Whatever it is, you buy that. Buy a car. So I, you know, I can't resist. I gotta go in there, right? I'm like, what's the deal with this thing? 0 to 60. What are you, 2.5? The guy's like, 2.3. Oh, that's amazing. I was up in San Jose, the guy told me 2.5. He shaved off in another two hundredths of a second. And I'm like, all right. So I get four adults in there, and he goes, you can get five. And I go, and I'm still gonna go zero to 60 in 2.3 seconds. It doesn't make any sense. All that. Wait, what am I up to there? About 2.93? And he goes, probably 2,6. It's like, what are you basing that on? Other than the fact you want to make a commission? What am I basing mine on? I don't fucking know. So he goes, all right, let's take a look at this over here. I go, dude, I just bought a car. I love it. I'm not gonna buy a car. I'm gonna tell you right now. But I just want to see, you know, if I got the car that I wanted, what this thing's gonna cost me, right? So I go, I go, give me the one with the motor, the all wheel drive, all right? I went Black. I didn't want to get the black interior because it's hot as shit out here, right? So the guy goes, do you want the fucking. The full moon roof and everything? I go, dude, look at me, I'm almost an albino and I have a shaved head. Do you fucking. And he goes, no, no, the tints crazy on it. I said, all right, put it on the fucking car. What do I care? I'm not buying this thing, right? Give me the best, you know, best tires, best rims, best, best fucking everything. Then they had this thing. Oh, you know, for five grand, when you get on the highway, it kind of drives, it kind of helps you. And I was like, dude, why would I buy a car like this and have something else drive? I want to drive it. I don't need that shit, right? So that I didn't get everything else I got. And in the end I took a picture of it. I forget how much it cost. Ah, fuck, I don't need the exact number in the end. You know what it costs? $152,000.
- [39:51]
Bill Burr
The fuck?
- [39:53]
Unknown
And what kills me is someone's gonna go to the mall and buy one of those hundred fifty two thousand fucking dollars. I just wish they looked cooler. I love the fucking tires and everything. And there's, you know, if you get the right tires and rims and shit, really help that car. And the front end definitely looks better. I don't know, man. You know what it looks like? It looks like that four door Porsche that's ugly as shit. That Panamera, whatever that, you know. You know they always try to do that in like the car commercials. Well, they have a two door car, they have the dad, then he has the baby, and then he grabs the bumper and he turns it into a four door car. Like, oh, wow, this is like a sports car, but it's a four door sedan. No, it isn't. It's a four door sedan. But that's trying to be a sports car. And then it becomes ugly. That's why I like the Mercedes, the BMW and the Jaguars because they still look like cars. Like four door sedan. Then you step on the gas, it's like, oh shit, look at this. Who knew? I'm talking about here. Anyway, so we ended up having a great time and I walked by the. The fucking. What store is that thing? Whatever, whoever. The one that looks. Looks like the letter H. It's not Nike or Adidas, it's the other one. It's the one that fucking Steph Curry has. And in the window they had these ugly ass basketball shoes and I looked and it said Curry Threes, dude, gun to your head. What do you like better, the Kobe 11s or the Curry Threes? I don't know, dude, the Curry Threes, you know, with a fucking crisp pair of jeans and a hoodie, dude, over with your chain on the outside. Male fashionistas, dude. Jordan threes, all right, Jordan threes, okay, with the pair of Joe's jeans, all right? And a button down in a new Yankee, dude. New Yankee hat, dude. And a slice of pizza. Does it get any better? Playing PlayStation on the TV inside Dallas Cowboys Stadium. Crazy ultimate bachelor party, dude. A pair of fucking Jordan nines, right? Jeans, cuffed, creased with. With an Abercrombie and Fitch V neck T shirt, extra soft. Playing PlayStation with the slice of pizza in a fucking cowboy stadium. Does it get any better than that, dude? Sorry, I don't know what it is. I like sneakers and I've actually been buying some. I just like the old ones. Like, I got a pair of shell toes and I got a pair of early 80s Adidas, like high tops. Like, I like that. Like, I don't know what the. When fucking Picasso started designing these goddamn things. It's like, it makes no sense. I'm gonna get in trouble for this shit. I'm gonna say later on in this podcast, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. I got some shout outs to do. I never give shout outs, right? And I just had a bunch that were just piling up and I'm like, I finally got to give out some fucking shout outs and then. But I just never get around to them. It's extra work. I never give a fuck. But then finally somebody tipped me over the fucking edge, right? I was like, all right, I got it. I got to give this person a shout out. All right, so first of all, let's. Let's get the. Let's get the opener in the feature out of the way. Shout out to Eric at Bose for hooking me up with some of those Bose headphones. I was bitching about people being loud on the, you know, on the plane and shit. By the way, this is not so I can get more free shit. I don't want any more shit. I'm getting rid of shit. If you give me free shit, I'm going to give it away or I'm going to send it down to fucking Goodwill and it's going to end up in a truck that sits in a warehouse and then they're going to dump it in the ocean. So I don't want any shit, you know, a nice email. Hey, Bill, like your stuff. That's just fine. Okay? But if somebody did something, you got to say thank you, right? All right. Shout out to Eric at Bose. And then James Shotwell. I did this thing this weekend, Rock against ms, where I got to give an award to Richard Pryor's widow, Jennifer Pryor. And you know, Richard suffered from that disease. And of course, he turned it into comedy and said how the disease actually slowed him down so he could live longer, which is really fascinating that. That's probably true. And anyways, James Shotwell was down there doing, I don't know, working like the Sounder. I got to see all these fucking killer bands, these amalgams like Alice in Chains with Nancy Wilson from Hart coming out, crushing it. Then she brought her new band out, Road Case Royale. And they fucking killed it, dude. She's a. She's still a beast. I got to see Steven Adler play with an all star band. He played. The hell did he play? He played the Ramones. I want to be sedated. And then I got to stand in like 10ft away from him. I got to watch him play welcome to the Jungle in Rocket Queen. And see all this subtle. All these little subtle things that he's. First of all, I get to see all the genius drum parts that fit so perfectly to that song. And then just the different ways that he played them. You know, that part, you know, it's really. I always thought he was on both toms. He's just riding on the floor tom. And on the second snare, here comes over with the flam. That's that little shit when you're a drum nerd like me, I'm like, that's how he fucking plays it. And I got. Of course, he was cool as shit. You know, he's such a great guy. Man. Had, you know, a couple people were there that had Ms. He let him fucking sit, like right behind him while he played. When he finished playing, he came out, he high fived everybody in the front row. Dude, we were at the LA Theater, downtown la. And it was. I guess it was a theater was designed by Charlie Chaplin. Okay? And when you walk in, in the foyer, there's a picture of Charlie Chaplin walking in the night it first opened with Albert Einstein. And of course, I missed that photo. Somebody told me it was there. But downstairs they have this kid's room that still has the original paint. So they say, don't touch the walls. And of course it's all these creepy fucking drawings. Like being a kid was so fucking scary back then. All these creepy drawings of clowns and horses and shit. And someone was trying to claim and I refuse to believe that this is true, that they, that's where you brought your babies when they cried and if they got really loud they had these little like cabinets. You just opened the door and you put the baby in and you close the door. It's like even downstairs they could still hear it. I refuse to believe that that's true. But I ended up, I co hosted it with Craig Gass, who that guy's impressions are fucking unbelievable, man. Is Sam Kinison, his Gene Simmons, Sebastian Bach and he's hung out with all of these guys so he has all these unreal stories and he does dead on impressions and Jim Florentine was there, it was an amazing fucking night. So thank you to Nancy Sale for putting that whole thing on and I'll do it any year that they want. And then lastly but leastly got it. We got a. Actually I got a request from somebody who says that she's a fan, a lady fan of the podcast and my stand up. But what she requested I guess is already over. She's trying to be in next year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit Lisa Marie Jafta, but the voting's already closed. So I don't know, I don't know if it was real or not. I immediately didn't believe that it was a real email and then she sent a video. No, seriously, I know you're a bald middle aged cunt, but I actually like your stuff. If you could send your listeners over to vote for me, you know, maybe I can get in the issue next year and I don't know, that's such a weird world, you know what I mean? You know anything that fucked me up about that world was one time Nia had me watch this fucking thing about it and they had this creep that was like the go to guy and he called himself Uncle Terry. Anybody who's not your uncle, ladies, anybody who's not your uncle. And she says just call me uncle. So and so yeah, he's trying to fuck you. He's a fucking. This guy was one of the creepiest fucking people I've ever seen in my goddamn life. So anyways, my apologies, the voting is already fucking over. But I don't even know if this, I don't even know if it was real, to be honest with you. But you know what? I'm a middle aged bald man and that's wanting to believe that that's true. Is it? That's really all I have. And speaking of swimsuit models. Oh, Billy Fat tits here has been fucking doing great on the elliptical. I'm back in it, man. I'm back in it. I fucked up last night and had a glass of booze. All the booze. One last night, I just added glass, which is probably considered a triple in any fucking hipster bar. But I was gonna go to bed. I wasn't gonna have it, you know, I've been doing good. I stopped eating at 5 and at 11:30, you know, NIA had come home. I was hanging out with my daughter the whole night, man. She was a riot.
- [49:49]
Bill Burr
She was a riot.
- [49:50]
Unknown
Jesus Christ, dude, she had two apocalyptic fucking diapers yesterday. That was just like. It was just like, really? I don't think I. I don't think I. I don't think I. We've bought enough provisions to ever get this fixed again. So she came home late, and. And I was just gonna go to bed, and I kept playing mental tennis. Should I have a glass? Don't have glass. Trying to lose weight. Should I have a glass? Don't have it. And finally, the booze was just looking like. Come on. You know what the booze was like. It was like Jimmy the Gent, you know, after they fucking did the Lifwanza heist. However you say it, my bottle was just over there and going, come here, yo. Come here, you. You know when Henry comes walking in? So I had one. So I don't know. I'm at like 181.2. And I've just been in the 80s. I hate being in the 80s. That's when. That's when I just. And when I shift my weight around on the couch just to go reach for the remote, you just feel the rolls going on the side of you, you know? I don't know how people do it. I don't know how you just walk around being a fucking fat body. I don't know why you tolerate that. You got one fucking life, and you knew. You know goddamn well in the back of your head, you don't know where you go after this. Okay, let's say, best case scenario, you get reincarnated, all right? Because the whole heaven, hell thing, it's the same thing every day. After a while, it's. It's not even have any value. What, are you gonna light me on fire again? Okay. What is it? Another perfect day. Oh, boy. You're gonna be like those teenagers at the mall.
- [51:26]
Bill Burr
Oh, God.
- [51:28]
Unknown
I'M so bored, right? Best case scenario, you get reincarnated. The fucking odds that you're gonna come back again as a human being. I mean, you know, if you can come back as a mouse or some like, you know, run around almost having a heart attack, if some reptile is slowly tracking you, getting eaten alive, you know, this is the best you got. So you can sit here and become a tub of shit. You don't. You. You owe it to yourself. So this is what I've been doing. This has been the breakfast of a freckled champion. Every morning I wake up and I go out to the garage and what do I do? I go to. I go on the fucking elliptical. As my. My rotator cuff is slowly getting better. Today I did some lady push ups. I was going to do 20. I was like, don't push it. Stop to 12. Stopped at 12. Just trying to keep the fucking man tits from sagging down into my navel. I do like a half hour on the. On the elliptical. And then I come in for breakfast. I have one of those little oranges and I have a poached egg and that's it. And then I have a banana between there and lunch. And then for lunch, I have some sort of protein, you know, maybe with a little bit of bread. Some sort of. I know, bread's the enemy. Go fuck yourself. It's the only bread I have. And then I don't know what the fuck it is. Then I have a protein with the salad at 4, protein with the salad at 6, and then I'm done. Then I just drink waters for the rest of the night. In theory, unless the fucking Jimmy the Jet moment happens. And I get over anyways, so I have to do this shit. I got to get my ass back down. I can't. My birthday's coming up in June. I'm gonna be 49 fucking years old. Which I'm actually pretty. I'm all right with it. Once you have a kid, you kind of are right with being old. You're like, other than that, you're like, oh, my God, I'm 47. I don't have a kid. Just gonna die alone. Gonna be 49. And there's no fucking way I'm gonna be in the 180s. It's just not gonna happen. I'm telling you right now, I am going to be one fighting weight. That's where the hell I want to be. My shoulder's going to be healed. And I have a bet with Paul Verze that when I'm 70 years old, I'm going to be able to do 10 pull ups. And if I don't get this rotator cuff fixed, I'm going to be fucked. Because all I keep thinking about is Jordan when he came back on the Wizards, you know, and that was the first time you really saw a drop off in his playing level. Because not only was he gone for three years, he didn't really play. And when you stop, that's when you're fucked. That's what I've learned. Trying to get it back is hard. It's really fucking hard. Although. Although Dean Del Rey, who crushed it in San Jose, Dean Del Rey in San Jose told me he's doing sets of 20 fucking pull ups. I've never done 20 pull ups in my life. Straight. I think the most I ever was able to do is I just can't get past like 16. He's 51 years old, can do 20 pull ups. Sets of 20. So there's hope. There's always hope. Is this like an inspirational podcast? Bill used to shit on stuff. All right, I will, but I can't. I can't. I'm having a. I'm having. You know, I've gotten such so little material out of having a daughter. I thought like, oh, fuck, here we go. My whole act is gonna fucking change, man. And it's been so awesome. You know, what am I gonna do? Talk about how great it is somehow get. You know, what I do is I pretty much in my act. I just shit on people that talk about how difficult parenting is. You know what I mean? I'm not saying, you know, it's not. I'm not walking around sleepy as shit all the time, but, you know, come on, you know, go watch that fucking movie I tell. Told you to watch where they torture that kid that plays the violin. That guy from Peaky Blinders is in it. Anthropoid. Go watch that fucking thing. Watch what those people went through and tell me that being a parent is hard. Anyways, sorry, Plowing ahead. Oh, what happened? Where do I start? Do I talk F1? Do I talk about the Celtics? Do I talk about the Bruins playing for their playoff? Fighting for their playoff lives? Let's talk Bruins and then I'll do a little advertising here. The Bruins, 84 points. We lost four games in a row. We just won one of those goddamn games. We are now. We were like all the way up to like, I think a fourth seed at one point or a fifth seed. We are now in eighth seed. Toronto is ahead of us. I heard that goaltender got hurt, though. Where the fuck is it? I had this goddamn standings. What did I do with it anyways? I don't know. We had a huge win. Thank you to Riley Nash for those two fucking huge goals against the Islanders. We got the Predators on Tuesday, and then we play the Stars. There's a big fucking Boston team week, dude. You're gonna watch the Bees versus Stars. So I'm against the Predators, dude, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say we kind of have to win both of those fucking games or hope everybody beneath us just keeps losing. Unreal. Unreal. This is the third year in a row, we're just the bottoms falling up. But you know what? I slowly see improvement, though. And I can see how this could be a team that could actually score a ton of goals in the future. You know, I saw on their website today the Up. You know, the Frozen Four is happening, and we got, like. We have four prospects in the Frozen Four this year. So who knows? I mean, the Frozen Four versus the NHL is a big fucking leap, but who knows? Who knows? Maybe there's an. There's an Austin. What the fuck's his name? Matthews in there. Who knows? But anyway, Stuart, speaking of that shit, speaking of the Frozen Four, what about the Final Four? I barely paid attention, man, because I've been running around, you know, being a dad and everything, but I. Every time I was like, you heard me going, duke lost, then Kansas lost, Kentucky lost the Final Fours, I remember Virsey telling me was, it's North Carolina. Understandable. South Carolina, Gonzaga. And I forget who the other team is. Basically, there's no. Everybody's bracket is fucked at this point. If your bracket isn't fucked. If there's somebody out there that actually picked this year's Final 4 in the NCAA, you either don't know shit about fucking basketball and just guessed, or your dad's in the mop and something's going down this year because just everybody's out of it. I don't know who I'm gonna vote for. Gonzaga, South Carolina. My teams were Duke or Kansas, and I was always liked ucla. And they all got. Ucla. Got fucking knocked out. You know what annoyed me that day? I was walking down the street, you know, because all the bandwagon, fucking UCLA fans, all of a sudden, everybody's rabid out here, you know? And I was wearing a Bruins sweatshirt. I'm walking down the street, and this guy goes, hey. He goes, hey, it's UCLA Bruins, not Boston Bruins. I just Laughed. Yeah, man, you guys are good this year. He's like, yeah, we are, and walked away. I was like, wait a minute. I was at the car wash and I fucking looked it up. Like, who was the Bruins first? And it was like UCLA's basketball team was around before the Boston Bruins. But their first year in like, 1918 or something, they were the UCLA Cubs. And then the next year, they switched to the Grizzlies, and in like, 1928, they joined. I don't know. There was the Pac something, Pac 10, Pac 12. Oh, I don't know what the fuck it was back then. Pack eight. I have no idea. But, like, there was some team from Montana that was already the grizzlies. And in 1928, they switched to the UCLA Bruins. However, the Boston Bruins were in 1924. All right, so all due respect to Coach Wooden, all due respect to the UCLA program, I actually like the school and everything, but when it comes to that Bruin shit, go fuck yourself, all right? We were there first, okay? So you stand the fuck down. It's a different sport. It's a pro sport, so relax, you know. You know, bad. I've been replaying that in my head that I wish that I had that information. You know, I wish they were in the Final Four. And I would actually. I'm such an argumentative cunt. I would actually fucking maybe drive over to Westwood and get some air quote lunch and just walk around with that shirt so I could be like, Ah, 1924 versus 19.
- [60:31]
Bill Burr
You were the Cubs then.
- [60:32]
Unknown
You were the Grizzly. Hey, know your history.
- [60:35]
Bill Burr
Know your history.
- [60:35]
Unknown
You know, like. Like I'm the fucking. The sports guru. Like, I just didn't look that shit up because some guy was a cunt to me near the car wash. All right, let's do some reads here for this week. YouTube channel announcement. Oh, yeah, I got to do that, too. All right, Internet privacy. Now, these are the reads for this week. This is the shit that people sent in. All right, There you go. Just like that. We're done with the advertising. We're done with the advertising. And we're on the other side of the half hours. We're going to do traffic on the sixes. Anybody out on the 405, you might want to get yourself a helicopter. There's a lot of traffic. Everybody's slowing down, watching somebody change a tire. Anyways, let's talk some F1 action. Did anybody. Did you watch the Australian Grand Prix? Grand Prix? Grand Prix down in Melbourne, Australia. It was a great fucking race. And it lived up to the hype that this year the Ferraris were going to be good. And I've only watched this sport for one season, so I don't know shit about it. All I know is last year it was all about the Mercedes team. Lewis Hamilton, Nico Rosberg, you know, they had the whole days of thunder. You know, I'm the guy who's been around the block. I'm the other fuck, I'm the Tom Cruise guy. Somebody's fucking Robert Duvall. And everybody else was just watching last year. And if those two guys didn't hate each other, it would have been fucking boring as shit. Because basically every race was a race to the first corner. Whoever got there first was just driving through clean air. And the cars were so equally matched, nobody could catch up with somebody. You basically had to fuck up or your car died. So all the exciting racing was for like 4th, 5th, 6th place or whatever. Three psychos going after it for the last, you know, championship point, as they say, you know, back in 10th place, that was exciting. But up front it was just Lewis Hamilton or Nico Rosberg just, just doing laps was, you know, kind of got a little boring. So this year they were talking about how Ferrari was very quiet, eerily quiet during the offseason. Working on their suspension and the engine and all that type of shit with the new regulations, whatever the fuck they are, I don't know what they are. And that they were going to make a serious challenge for against Mercedes this year. So the fucking race starts and the Australian dude, I already forget his name, Rico Rikenberg. I have no fucking idea. Like eventually I'll get these people's names down. Ricky Rocket, I forget, okay? Everybody wanted him to win, the poor bastard. He's down there and they're taking like the warm up lap or whatever. And not even the warm up lap, they're just going around getting ready to get into position just to do the warm up lap. And his car gets stuck in sixth gear. We've all been there, right the side of the highway. Except he's got a hundred thousand people in a fucking zillion millions of fans around the world watching this shit. So they got to push his car and they got to take out the fucking transmission in like five minutes, throw a new one in there and try to get it back in the car before the race starts. That alone, if they just showed that, that would have been amazing. They kind of kept cutting back to it. I wish they showed more of it. Long story short, he wasn't able to get out there until the second lap, he was already two laps down. So that kind of sucked for all the Australian fans. And then his car, shit to bed halfway through the race, however, so the race fucking starts. All right, I think Lewis Hamilton had the pole and then Sebastian Vettel for Ferrari was in second place. And Lewis had a great start and he was out front. And I go, well, I guess that's it. I guess the Mercedes are going to win it this year, right? So they get about 20 laps in and Lewis Hamilton pits. It's one of these races. It was like 57 laps and the announcers were saying that they were going to pit one time and it's all when you pit and blah, blah, blah, blah. So all this shit is becoming fascinating to me. So Lewis Hamilton goes in to pit, right? Sebastian Vettel was, I don't know how far behind, a couple seconds behind. He decides to stay out there. So the whole time when Lewis was out there in first place, Sebastian's behind him. All right, so Lewis is driving in the clean air. It's like, you know, if you're on a fucking. On a lake and you bring. It's just still water, you could, you could go way faster in your boat as opposed to. If the water was all fucking choppy. You got to go slower. That's the same thing. Except it's. What's with air? I'm just saying this for everybody else out there who's dumb like me, and the fact that air is invisible, you don't understand it. So no matter what this guy is doing, Sebastian Vettel, he can only get so close to Lewis Hamilton because all the air coming off of him and I guess the tires are bigger this year, which causes more turbulence. It would actually. He's going to use more fuel and chew up more of his tires if he gets too close to him, which is really fucking. I don't know. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. So Hamilton was having problems with the tire. He pits early. So the Ferrari team takes a gamble and says, fuck this, we're gonna stay out there. So Sebastian now is in first place, driving into clean air. He's got the nice smooth lake. He's bringing the boat across, except it's a car and it's going through air. You still with me? And he stays out there for one lap and they go. He's definitely going to come in for the second lap. Meanwhile, Lewis Hamilton came right back out of the pits and then was, you know, technically in fourth place. But he's, you know. But he already pitted. The other two guys in front of him have to pit, and so does the other guy. So technically, it's like he's still in first place, but now he's driving in dirty air back there. So Sebastian's flying around the track. He goes around a second time, and, you know, the tires are getting chewed up. He's driving like a fucking maniac. And then he comes around a third time, and they're like, he's not gonna. He's not gonna fucking stay out there. He stayed out there again, and now, basically, it was like, this was the most exciting part ever, because this is the fucking race. So basically what he's trying to do, he's trying to get out so far ahead that he has time to pit. When he goes in, get his tires, and get back out on the track in front of fucking Lewis Hamilton, it was like a fucking movie. He pulls in his fourth time around, comes in, they fucking take the tires. You got to go so fucking slow, too, now. You got to slow down to, like. Like you're driving a Prius when you're in there. And as he's slowing down, they're showing. Lewis is coming around. He's coming around. He's coming around. He gets the tires. Fucking Sebastian's coming out. It's like a fucking action movie. And it was literally, he just. Sebastian for Ferrari just got out in front of Lewis Hamilton, and then that was the race. You saw the Mercedes guy slammed his hand down on the guy in the pits, right? The head guy, right? The guy who goes to the Eyes Wide Shut Illuminati parties at the end of the race, right? They're probably on some yacht that's, like, invisible, like, the air that they drive through, right? He fucking slammed his hand down, like, medium and then fucking slammed it down a second time right there. I was like, this guy knows this fucking race is over. And that was it. Ferrari won the first race. You know, backing up their lack of talk, they were real quiet in the off season. So I was actually really. You know, I like. I'm one of those guys. I like both. Both teams, Mercedes and Ferrari. I mean, I don't know how you get mad at either one of them. The beautiful, amazing cars that they built all this over the years. So I'm just happy that this seems like there's going to be competition. And if it can be as exciting as that for the whole season, I think maybe some more you guys can get into it like I did. I believe the next Race is in China, in Indochino, in China. That's going to be the next one. But I was. I was thrilled with the race. I don't know how many F1 fans listen to this shit. Love to hear your thoughts on it. All right, what else? What else? The Celtics won't. The Celtics are technically in first place right now, but we got two games at hands. We've won more. One more game. And lost one more game than the Cavaliers. But, I mean, I don't. I don't see them not the Cavaliers, not getting the number one seed unless they get real. I don't know, somebody gets fucking hurt or some shit like that. All right, last announcement, and then I'm going to read the. Your fucking emails for the week, all right? My YouTube channel that I'm slowly but surely building up. All right? Then I'm gonna. I'm gradually just transitioning to the fucking Internet here. My whole career is just going to be on the Internet. Internet, other than my live dates and F is for family, because everything else is drying up. So my YouTube channel, which I'm. I'm serious about building up with content, I actually hired a. An animator and hired a couple of people to start making videos and putting content up there. I'm going to be doing tours of every city that I go to now. I'm bringing those things back. I'm actually considering bringing on this guy that does drum covers that looks like me, but, you know, isn't me, but maybe it's me. So anyways, what do we got here? On Tuesday, the first video from Alan Palin. Pronounced Palin on the official podcast channel. Alan Palin is the guy who edited together. Remember that one when I commentated basketball? He's the guy who did that. So we're gonna have new videos from him every single week. My YouTube page is YouTube.com user it's backslash. You know, the one that starts further away and then comes in towards you like a flare chop. YouTube.com backslash user backslash. Monday morning podcast. Please subscribe to the channel. Check it out. And I'm gonna start making some videos and that type of shit. I don't know that I'll ever videotape the podcast because it's just me laying here right now. I'm wearing a T shirt, pajama bottoms, and slippers. How interesting is that gonna be? And I. Every time I. Whenever I saw radio shows videotaped, they just. Something happened where it was boring. I like the fact that, like, podcasts, it's just like Radio and the fact that you're doing shit right now. You're driving home from work, you're on the fucking elliptical, you know, you're pouring yourself a drink, you're cleaning the house. Whatever you're doing, whatever the fuck it is you're doing, you can do other shit, right? All of a sudden it's videotape. You feel like you got to watch somebody talking into a microphone. I don't get it. All right, here we go. Internet privacy, everybody. Hey, Billy. Thought you might like this. A private Internet access provider took out a full page ad in the New York times calling out 50 senators who voted to monitor. Monitor the public's Internet activity for financial gain. What? People care a lot about their public image. And I think this should be done more to combat assholes. Let me call. Let me click on this thing. I can't click on it because I'm not on the Internet. Hang on, let me try and find this here. I got to see who the cunts are. Who are the cunts that signed to onto this? All right? We are the cunts. We don't give a shit. All right? Hello, world. These are the 50 senators who monitor who voted to monitor your Internet activity. Jesus Christ. I can't read them. They're too fucking small. All right? Oh, Jesus. Jesus. What are they all Republicans? Dude, the way they vote, man. Because it was probably something else that was pro conservative. That's the only reason why the fucking Democrats didn't. It's so fucking Hatfield and McCoys. It's basically. It's all Republicans. Representative from Tennessee, Alexander. Representative from Wyoming. Barrasso. Blunt from Missouri. Boozman from Arkansas. Byrne from North Carolina. You fucking piece of shit. Ruining the name. Caputo from West Virginia. Cassidy from Louisiana. Cochrane from Mississippi. Collins from Maine. Corker from Tennessee. You know what? I'm just gonna. I'm gonna just retweet this fucking picture. Jesus Christ. Republicans. All Republicans. Cruz from Texas. Crapo from Idaho. Some hell of a names. Dames from Montana. Another one from Wyoming. NZ from Wyoming. Ernst from Iowa. This is all of this shit. All Rubio from Florida. Purdue from Georgia. Portman from Ohio. This is all like. This is all things. It's fake news. It's all fake news. Do you know, it's basically, you know, who's kidding who news. It's propaganda. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. But what they want is their bullshit in your brain. That's what they want. So what they want to do is gradually take control of this shit and they're going to make fake news. Basically, your opinion of what's going on, they're going to make that, like, illegal to do. And they're probably looking over at China going like, hey, China, how the fuck did you do this? And China's going like, all right, that's how we did it. So they gradually do that, much like the Nazis were looking at us going like, hey, how did you do that shit to the Native Americans? Because we want to do that to the Jews now we're going to do that. Probably what looking. I bet. I bet the fucking higher up 1% cunts the people who make profit off a war and everybody's misery. I bet they are envious of the Internet in Red China. The way, you know, you or I is envious when somebody drives down the street by in a fucking Ferrari, you know, I don't know. All right, well, I'm good for that person that put that up there. That's fucking disgusting. I wonder what was linked to it, though, you know what I mean? Because it's never just in defense of all of those fucking people. It's never just one thing, which is another bullshit thing. You know, when. When they vote for something, shouldn't it just be one thing? Should we or should we not vote for solar power? It should just be about that. But then they tag all this other shit onto it, onto the bill, which is fucking. That's how they get everything through. And then it's always like, you know, something completely fucked up and that person goes to run for office. You know, they voted for the bill because they're into solar power. But then the thing that the appendix that they put onto it, they can be like, this guy doesn't think kids should have ice cream. He voted against that. It's like, no, I voted for alternative sources of energy to bankrupt the terrorists. Terrorists. All right. Bullying manager. Dear Bill, about a month ago, a lady Dairy Queen manager in Missouri was charged for involuntary manslaughter. What? Huh? She gave the guy an ice cream headache. That was. She did keep eating ice cream then. I'll blow you. The guy fell for it. He stuck his head under the fucking smoothie machine, the soft serve there. All right? Allegedly, the Dairy Queen manager was a dick to one of its employees. Filled with name calling and belittling day after day. Isn't it great to see women getting, like, positions of power and just acting exactly as fucking ridiculous as men? You know, most. Most people cannot handle a position of power. I mean, look at me. Look at the power I have with this podcast. I Don't have the decency to put on pants. I'm in pajamas and slippers. I ain't part of the problem. One incident reportedly the manager threw a burger on the floor after he made it incorrectly and then made the 17 year old clean it up. The kid was also a victim of bullying at school as well. None of this is going to justify this kid harming this boss. You. You quit the job. But voiced most of the bullying. But voiced most. That doesn't make any sense. But most of the bullying happened. Happened at work. What happened to this person who wrote this sentence? They wrote, but voiced most of the bullying happening at work. And singling. Singling out his boss. Out his boss. Okay. Well, eventually the kid ended up shooting himself in the head. Oh boy. Did not see that coming. Yes, I know. It's a sad story that happens too often. Does it? Do a lot of people get bullied at Dairy Queen and then blow their brains out? I thought that was a happy place. They got soft serve ice cream. What could go wrong? But the town wanted to hold somebody responsible for his suicide. The authorities air quote investigated and interviewed people and his stories of being teased and made fun of were retold. The cops ultimately came to the conclusion that his Dairy Queen boss was the reason the kid is dead. Oh my. Jesus Christ. Wait a minute. Hey. It's a little bit of an overreach. And she was charged with secondary involuntary mans. After me hearing this story. Is that proper English? Shouldn't it be after I heard this story? After. For me, after hearing this story, I'm waiting for somebody on TV to state the obvious. This is bullshit. How can you blame someone for another person killing themselves? It's not my fault how other people handle my insults. You've been called Billy Fat Tits how many times? Well, first of all, I'm not 17, all right? I think enough bullying can drive somebody to depends on how it is and how fragile somebody is. But. But there's just so many fucking variables involved. Like what had the person, let's say this person was a bully at Dairy Queen. Like what happened to them as a kid that made them the way they are. How old is this person? Because for me, I just feel that. I honestly believe that, you know, people in their 20s, for the most part, it's just, it's. That is the most purest form of the direct results of the parents that you had is now you're out in the world, they're not there to be like, hey, hey, hey, hey. You know, knock it off. You know, and you have to make decisions for yourself. And you go around like. I know when I was in my 20s, I took. Without realizing it, I was taking my. Everybody takes their childhood out on people in their 20s because you don't know what the fuck you're doing. So hopefully you had a good one. So you taking it out on people is. Is you're actually a nice person. Like Pete Holmes, his character on Crashing, by the way, I fucking love that show. TJ Miller, Artie Lang, and I believe the guy's name's George Basil. I watched the first three fucking episodes and they were killing me. And their interaction with Pete's character is great. And I can't wait. I love Pete Holmes. I cannot wait to break his balls about his character on that show though. I'm really gonna break his balls like Pete. Is that how you see yourself? I'm just a nice guy who tries to do nice things. It's like, Pete, you're a fucking lunatic just like the rest of us. Anyways. Oh, I can't wait to. One of my favorite things in this business is teasing him because he can fucking take it. But you got to check out Crashing. John Apatow, Pete Holmes, joey roses. Joe DeRosa wrote on the show too. Mike Birbigli, I believe, wrote on the show. There's a bunch of people, comics and everything and comics on it. I saw Greer Burns, Dove Davidoff, all these comics. Marina Franklin. It's just, it's fucking. It's such an amazing show because I remember when he came to New York as that wide eyed kid and I had actually worked with him at this comedy club in Peoria, Illinois that doesn't exist anymore. I worked with him at Brewster's when he was still married. I believe maybe he just gotten divorced. I can't fucking remember. I've told this story before. We went to go see the Ring and we. And we were the only two people in the movie theater. And I hate that that's. That, that is the detail, because that sounds fake. That's the only time it's ever happened. We walked in, it was a shitty movie theater. We were two comedians. It was the middle of the fucking. There was like two in the afternoon and we saw the Ring on like a Thursday afternoon in a shitty movie theater. And I swear to God, we're the only two fucking people there. That movie stayed with me. Certain, certain ones, Blair Witch stayed with me. That one stayed with me. Some of them just to just. They just fucking creep me out and they stay with me for whatever Reason. Jordan Peele's movie. When that. That guy comes running when the kids smoking the cigarette and then the guy comes just running up full speed at him. That. With me, that's. For whatever reason that fucking stayed with me. Anyways, there's like. I think about when I go to my car at night, even though I know it's not real, I just think about, what if that dude just came running just like that, at the last second, made a right turn in front of me. Anyways, how the fuck did I get onto all of that shit? Talking about this poor kid who killed himself. Anyways, he said that throwing. Okay, what does he say? You've been called Billy Fat Tits. How many times and by how many people? If you kill yourself, over half of your listeners will go to jail.
- [82:43]
Bill Burr
How is this a law?
- [82:44]
Unknown
How many times can you call somebody fat before it's against the law? And can we stop saying bullying? It's just being teased and made fun of. That's not true, man. That isn't. That's not true. That's not true. It depends on the level and it depends on the intent, and all of this shit will be really hard to prove. But, like, you know, there's. What it is, sir, is you have to have empathy here. And what I'm guessing is, is that you are more the person teasing than getting teased. And maybe you were a little bit more of a stronger person, the same way somebody else might have just been better at math than you. I know looking back, you know, in my high school, I know that there was, you know, there was kids that got it really fucking bad, really bad. And, you know, one of whom, you know, killed himself a few years later. And I remember thinking back, I don't know what it was based on, but certainly did not have a good experience in high school the last couple of years. And it's one of those things because kids are kids and they don't. They don't understand it. It's a really complex thing. But I would say if this kid was also bullied at school, and then if this person was a cunt at a Dairy Queen, I mean, it's sort of an amalgam of all of that. And then also the personality. Some people, they're born. They're just really sensitive, shy people, and they don't know how to handle it. And if you're prone to depression, shit, I imagine that, you know, that's sort of the perfect storm. So anyways, he goes, they throw this bullying word around like it's an epidemic. Sweeping all these heartless millennials. We've all been made fun of before. We've all been called names ever since we were little kids. You sound like an older person, like me. And you're just doing the. These kids today, these millennials. And oh my God, they're fragile little flowers and they're not all like that, dude. You think they're still not the mean kid? You still don't think there's. There's, you know, the big guy just fucking beating on. There's always gonna be the bigger kid beating on the younger kids, the smaller kids or whatever. We need to let this continue. It builds character. If you were always given a trophy, you're all over the map here, dude. And only told compliments, you wouldn't be a comedian. No, now you're speaking for me. You would still be working in the carpeted area. Discussing which I never worked there. Your favorite route to work in the morning. All I'm saying is that we're all becoming weak pussies because of laws like this, and nobody's addressing it. But you can, Bill, with your soon to be Emmy winning podcast, you can champion this cause for all our sake or whatever. Hope to see you in Portland soon. Thanks. I have to be honest with you, sir. All right. I think the true sign of maturity, aside from on one side being able to take a good ribbing and learning how to have more of a sense of humor about yourself, and also learning that whatever is happening today is not the end of the fucking world and that, you know, there's probably kids listening right now that get bullied. This is the thing, all of that shit, it's. You're not going to see any of those fucking people ever again after high school. And your whole fucking life is going to be determined by you and the decisions you make. And you have 100% control over that. So, you know, and I think a lot of times people get bullied up, aside from the fact that they're. That they're just smaller, weaker, they just seem like targets. I think, you know, sometimes when people see somebody that's talented, they'll go after them. And so you got to make sure that you kind of push all that shit away. But the other side, I think that really shows that you're mature is. Is empathy. You know what I mean? It certainly helps. Like, I mean, I think it's easy to do that. The rant that you did. I understand there's a lot of truth in some of the shit that you're saying, but yout Know, it's not all just like, ah, learn how to fucking take it, you fucking pussy. Stop wearing a helmet when you ride bicycles and shit. And I'm guilty of saying stuff like that. I understand where you're coming from, but like, you know, so what, what is what, what? Why do you think this kid killed himself? You know what I mean? Do you think if that shit wasn't happening, the kid still would have, I mean, it's a possibility. I don't know. If the kid had clinical depression, I have no idea. But I agree with you to try. From what you've written for the sentences where it was spelled correctly, it seems like that kid was just having a miserable experience. I mean, I can't imagine if you were getting bullied all day at school and then you go, okay, well, now I'm going to get a job. This might be a ray of light to what the future is going to be, where I'll be at work, work, and maybe people are nicer. And then it just becomes somebody else screaming at you. You know, when you're 17 years old, if it sucks at school and it sucks at the Dairy Queen you work at, that is your world and you don't have an ability to step out of it and you can downward spiral, like once again, I don't think that they should put it all on this person, but that's a, it's a fucking terrible story. But I don't think this backlash to the, to political correctness to then go the other fucking go the all the way back once again to what caused political correctness. All you fucking guys, hey, pull your bootstraps up. Stop being a fucking pussy, you fucking millennial flower. It's guys like you that are fucking ranting against fucking political correctness. It's cunts like you that created political correctness. You know, white guys that tell it like it is. Is there anything worse than the white guy that I know? I always say that I fucking, that's, that is, to me, that is the most boring fucking mindset you could possibly have. A, I'm a white guy. Everything's set up for me. Let me tell you who, you know, just not have the advantages that I have. Why you need to toughen up. You know, as I slept in my bunk bed in my cul de sac, those were the years that I really became a tough guy anyway. So, yeah, I mean, that's just a terrible story. I, I, I hope that, you know, something good can come out of it because that's, you know, it's Very rare that, you know, you bring up an ice cream store and something like that happens. I was all excited. You know, I love fucking Dairy Queen. You know, my wife loves Dairy Queen. We are Dairy Queen people cleaning up. All right. Dear Bill, dear Billy. Red face there. I'm 52 years old. Congratulations. Most people don't live that long. Or a lot of people don't make it that far. I'm 52 years old, but a life of drinking has made me look 62. I still drink and I smoke weed all day. Jesus. Guy's going hard. You drink and you smoke weed all day. I wasn't there for my kids growing up. They had to go through a lot because of my, mine and my wife's addiction problems. Jeez, I imagine they did. Let's just say, Jesus, this is two depressing ones in a row. What is this, Dr. Phil? You need to stop drinking, smoking weed and pay attention to your children. Crowd goes crazy. Another episode in the can and he gets more syndication money. And then that fucking drunk walks out the door, continues to do what the fuck he's doing. And Dr. Phil looks great. Let's just say the fact that they turned out. Let's just say the fact that they turned the way they turned out has nothing to do with me. I take no credit for the people they are today. Well, nor should you, with the exception of any lingering anxiety I may. I may have caused them. I mean, if you're the kind of dad that you're saying you were, yeah, you're kind of owning up to it, which is good, I guess. Unless you're doing that like, so everybody goes, no, no, you were actually a good dad. All depends on what your reasoning is. I don't live close to my daughters, but I am starting to miss them. I feel like they'd be better without me at this point. Aww. I'm at a fork in the road. I can either clean up and realize that my life isn't over. Set my phone buzzing. Oh, and he spills his first glass of water of the day. All right, I gotta fucking call this back in a minute. Alright. Where am I? I can either clean up and realize that my life isn't over and that I may have the grandchildren one day that I want to have a relationship with, or just enjoy my responsibility, less life, responsibility less life until I die. This sounds morbid and the answer may seem more obvious to someone else, but there is a good chance my kids won't care either way at this point. And I don't want to Disrupt them by being the annoying, hey, can I come back into your life person. Quitting won't be easy, and I'm trying to weigh my options. What should I do? You should get clean and sober and own up to everything. Apologize to your kids and then understand that it's your kids choice whether they want you back in their life or not. And that's what they decide that they don't. You have to be a man about it. And I wouldn't pout and go back to drinking and smoking. You can totally clean your life up and you can put years back on the odometer, you know, or you can be dead in 10 years. I mean, it's up to you. I mean, it's pretty, pretty easy, easy choice. But I would say the first thing you should do is try to get help. And I don't know, I gotta tell you, dude, not drinking and all that type of stuff, you feel like. You feel like a million bucks, you know? Four days are not drinking alone. When you wake up in the morning, you're gonna feel 20 years younger, you know, So, I don't know, you want to keep feeling like shit. It's gonna, that's gonna be a brutal deathbed, dude, Just sitting there waiting for someone to show up, hoping somebody's gonna show up. You don't want that, man. You're only 52, you know, you got a lot of years left. You got a quarter of a century left if you, if you eat right and exercise and all of that type of stuff. So, you know, it's up to you, man. You're an adult. I hope you make a positive choice. Jesus Christ. All right, yogurt. Does anybody die in this one? Maybe it's more than you want to bother, but it's really easy to make your own yogurt. Then you know what's in it. I'm not going to down. Going to load you down with links, but this is a pretty decent start. Yeah. And they sent me this fucking video of this woman. Immediately, I'm envious of her ch. Of her kitchen and the fact that she. It's a. She can speak more than one language because I think that's cool as shit. But she's making yogurt. And one of the things, one of the ingredients, she goes, this is very simple.
- [93:44]
Bill Burr
Yogurt.
- [93:44]
Unknown
One of the ingredients she makes. One of the ingredients to her yogurt is yogurt. I'm going to show you how to make chicken, all right? Get salt and pepper, put it in a bowl, and then Go to the store and buy some chicken. Some already made chicken. I don't get it. I don't get that video. I'm fine with just the Greek yogurt probiotic. It tastes fucking weird as shit, the plain stuff. And after a while you get addicted to it and you love it. So I appreciate it. I will post the link. It's a great fucking. You know, I love about that stove. It's got four burners and then it's got the griddle in the middle. Oh, I love that. Oh, I want that stove so fucking bad. All right. Fun car to drive, Billy, sports car. You were talking about cars on Thursday. The most fun car I ever drove was a 1968 Alfa Romeo sedan. Not the Spider. Google it. Short throw, manual shift. My favorite fucking thing ever. Handles great. Yeah, I actually, I actually looked up the car. There was only YouTube videos, pictures of them. Nobody had the sedan. I'll tell you, one of the best, most fun shifting cars I ever drove was my older brother had a, had like a 1981 two door Toyota Tercel four speed. And that thing, it was so tight. It was. Dude, you had to move that fucking thing like, I swear to God like an inch and a half and you were in another gear. And even though it was a four cylinder by today's standards, you know, it was a pretty goofy looking car. Sat high up off and shit. But it was fun as shit to drive. We used to have these jobs with, you know, we had paper routes from the time we were in third grade right up till ninth grade. And then when we got our licenses, we just delivered bigger routes and we drove around beating the shit out of our cars. And that was the most fun car to drive because you could stack it the back seat up with all the papers and. And dude, it was a Toyota. And that's when Toyota was really competing with the American shit. And the only way that they were gonna get it. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Dude? This is how fucked up my house is. I just spilled water and I was just like, you know what? On the hardwood floors. I'm gonna finish the podcast. I'm almost done. I gotta take. I can't believe this just happened. And I'm thinking that the fucking water is gonna be on the floor. It's just gonna be a puddle. This is what just happened. I just looked down at the floor. I feel I spilled a full glass of water. It's all gone. It's not there anymore. Sorry, I'm putting the headphones back on. Get the fuck out of here. The floor isn't even wet. This is what happens. And this is only one part of my house. The house has settled so much. My house is 94 years old this year. It's settled so much that I swear to God, the water rolled down the hill, and the baseboard, there's a space between the floorboards and the baseboard, and it just rolled into the cracks and disappeared. This can't be fucking happening. Unfucking believable. Well, I got it. Now I'm wondering, where did that go? Is the ceiling below now gonna have all watermarks on it? I don't think that's enough water to do it. Dude, I'm telling you. I'm telling you right fucking now. Okay? The next house I get is gonna be fucking. If it's an old house, it's gonna be. We looked at one this weekend where it was. We're just looking with bullshit, you know what I mean? But just trying to see what's out there, what the prices are and that type of shit. Dude, we looked at one. It was turnkey. That's what I want. And for all you people never bought a house. That means the whole fucking thing has been redone. I don't give a fuck that somebody's flipping it. I don't give a shit that they're trying to make fucking $500,000 in two months. I don't care. The fact that they're gonna strip it all the way down, all the way down, all the piping, the sewer line, right out to the street. Everything's brand new. That's the house I'm getting. That's the house I'm getting. And that's the house I'm dying in. And when I die, the next person can deal with whatever I did to it. I just spilled a full glass of water and it disappeared like a magic trick. All right, that's the podcast. Go yourselves. I'll check in on you on. On Thursday. Go Bruins.