Completing A Model, Mexican Tooth-fairy, Sailing | Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-25
Host: Bill Burr & Paul Virzi
Release Date: June 3, 2025
Description: Bill Burr rants about relationship advice, sports, and the Illuminati.

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1. Introduction and Personal Updates (00:00 - 05:11)

Bill Burr kicks off the episode with his characteristic humor about being late:

"[00:01] Bill Burr: ...I'm a fucking day late, dude. Jesus Christ. Day late in a dollar short, kid."

Paul Virzi responds by sharing personal updates about his family, emphasizing the importance of being present for his wife and son’s birthdays:

"[00:25] Paul Virzi: ...I went swimming with both of my kids and I hung out with my lovely, lovely wife, and it was awesome."

Burr and Virzi discuss their recent activities, including flights, performances, and preparation for an upcoming play. Virzi apologizes for his tardiness, citing burnout and the need to conserve energy for his acting commitments.

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2. Gym Etiquette and Observations (01:52 - 05:11)

Bill Burr vents about his experiences at the gym during Pride Month, highlighting obnoxious behaviors:

"[01:52] Bill Burr: ...there was this giant fucking Ivan Drago gay dude... he's just right up in the mirror doing his fucking shit."

He further criticizes gym-goers who are overly self-absorbed, drawing a line between acceptable behavior and obnoxiousness:

"[02:59] Bill Burr: ...if you're fucking over at the rack where all the dumbbells are fucking, take a step back, dude. This guy was almost in the mirror."

Paul Virzi adds to the discussion by noting poor gym etiquette, such as prolonged breaks and inattentive use of equipment:

"[03:01] Paul Virzi: Another thing is the people using the machines and then just staring at their phone..."

The conversation showcases their shared disdain for certain social behaviors in public spaces.

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3. Sports Commentary: NBA Finals and NHL (05:12 - 25:35)

NBA Finals: Indiana Pacers vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

Bill and Paul discuss the NBA Finals matchup, framing it as a classic David vs. Goliath scenario. They express skepticism about the teams' merit and the league's lack of parity compared to the NFL.

"[05:46] Bill Burr: The NBA, which is a shit fucking league... they're selfish... unless it's Boston, Louisiana, Miami or Golden State..."

NHL Hockey: Florida Panthers vs. Edmonton Oilers

Paul expresses his support for the Edmonton Oilers, reminiscing about historic players like Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier. Burt highlights the contrast between individual player admiration versus team performance.

"[10:37] Bill Burr: Edmonton Oilers... arguably the greatest hockey team ever assembled..."

4. Motorsports: MotoGP Race Recap (13:16 - 15:10)

The hosts dive into a recap of a recent MotoGP race, highlighting incidents involving prominent riders like Alex and Mark Marquez.

"[14:17] Bill Burr: ...the tragedy was Fabio Quattararo... something happened."

Paul emphasizes the emotional toll of mechanical failures and the resilience of the sport's athletes:

"[15:07] Paul Virzi: ...he won... Geoffrey Zarco... another race this weekend..."

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5. Personal Endeavors: Acting and Modeling (25:35 - 20:53)

Paul Virzi shares his experiences balancing acting with personal projects, including building a car model. He reflects on the challenges of multitasking and maintaining focus.

"[17:11] Paul Virzi: ...I am rooting for Edmonton... makes more sense if you go Solo..."

The discussion transitions to model building, highlighting Virzi’s determination to finish projects he’s long abandoned:

"[18:26] Paul Virzi: ...I have to fucking finish this. This has to be something. I can't let this go."

Bill Burr offers encouragement, comparing model building to professional commitments and personal achievements:

"[19:35] Bill Burr: ...this really just takes me back to when I was a fucking kid."

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6. Listener Interaction: Mexican Tooth Fairy Story (35:00 - 43:00)

The episode transitions into a humorous segment responding to a listener’s email about the "Mexican Tooth Fairy." Bill and Paul engage in a playful role-play defense of the mythical character, blending cultural humor with personal anecdotes.

"[35:41] Bill Burr: ...I want to hear from you, Mexican tooth fairy... El Ratoncito Perez..."

They explore the cultural differences and misconceptions surrounding the Tooth Fairy, adding their signature comedic twists:

"[40:04] Paul Virzi: ...a mouse slash rat that sneaks into your room and pulls a tooth from under your pillow..."

The segment showcases their ability to turn a listener's input into an entertaining and educational discussion.

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7. Immigration and Corporate Critique (43:00 - 49:03)

Bill Burr and Paul Virzi delve into a passionate critique of corporate exploitation and immigration policies. They argue that corporations benefit from illegal immigration, exploiting immigrants for lower wages and creating tension within communities.

"[43:34] Bill Burr: Hillary... exploiting low wages and hurting middle and lower class job markets."

Paul elaborates on the systemic issues, highlighting how immigration policies are manipulated for economic gain:

"[47:27] Paul Virzi: ...corporations benefit by exploiting immigrants and paying them less than fair wages."

The conversation criticizes both political parties for their roles in perpetuating these injustices, emphasizing the need for genuine support for the working class and immigrants.

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8. Sailing Adventure and Risks (49:03 - 57:16)

The hosts discuss a listener's story about sailing solo to Hawaii, expressing mixed feelings about the audacity and risks involved.

"[49:06] Paul Virzi: Sailing with Phoenix to Hawaii after quitting his job... an inspiring yet terrifying endeavor."

Bill Burr shares his fear of the ocean, juxtaposing it with admiration for the listener's courage:

"[50:29] Bill Burr: ...I'm terrified of the ocean. ...like going to war that I can think of off the top of my head."

They analyze the challenges of solo sailing, including technical knowledge and the psychological fortitude required:

"[56:17] Bill Burr: ...storm mainsail... safety harnesses... lifeboats for that..."

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9. Viewer’s Personal Struggles: Dating and Self-Esteem (55:06 - 71:01)

A listener named "Billy Butt Face" writes in about his struggles with blindness, self-esteem, and dating. Bill Burr and Paul Virzi respond with a blend of empathy and humor.

"[55:08] Bill Burr: I am the color. What is... you’re Arab, you got a nice fucking tan... [60:17] Bill Burr: ...you're a 31 year old dude with the worst luck ever."

They offer advice on building self-esteem, focusing on personal strengths, and maintaining a positive outlook despite challenges:

"[70:35] Paul Virzi: ...find the humor in life. ...turn your pilot light back on."

Bill encourages embracing his unique qualities and using humor as a tool to overcome personal setbacks:

"[65:25] Bill Burr: Nothing dries up a pussy like a bitter guy hating on other guys..."

The segment underscores the podcast's blend of candid conversation and supportive camaraderie.

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10. Conclusion (71:01)

After a thorough and engaging discussion, Bill Burr wraps up the episode with his trademark humor:

"[71:01] Bill Burr: Okay? That's the podcast. Everybody go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bill Burr on Gym Etiquette:
  "[02:59] Bill Burr: ...take a step back, dude. This guy was almost in the mirror."

• Paul Virzi on Corporate Exploitation:
  "[47:27] Paul Virzi: ...corporations benefit by exploiting immigrants and paying them less than fair wages."

• Listener Interaction (Mexican Tooth Fairy):
  "[40:04] Paul Virzi: ...a mouse slash rat that sneaks into your room and pulls a tooth from under your pillow..."

• Advice on Self-Esteem and Dating:
  "[70:35] Paul Virzi: ...find the humor in life. ...turn your pilot light back on."

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Key Takeaways

• Personal Responsibility: Emphasized the importance of being present for family and managing personal projects diligently.
• Sports Insights: Critiqued the lack of parity in the NBA compared to the NFL and expressed fandom for historic NHL teams.
• Cultural Humor: Used the "Mexican Tooth Fairy" story to explore cultural myths with humor and sensitivity.
• Social Critique: Highlighted corporate exploitation of immigrants and the political manipulation of immigration for economic gains.
• Support and Empathy: Offered genuine support and advice to listeners facing personal struggles, blending humor with heartfelt encouragement.

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This episode of Monday Morning Podcast offers a rich tapestry of humor, social commentary, and personal anecdotes, making it engaging for both longtime listeners and newcomers alike. Bill Burr and Paul Virzi seamlessly navigate through diverse topics, providing insightful and entertaining perspectives.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 2, 2025. What's going on? Why? Oh, my God. I'm a fucking day late, dude. Jesus Christ. Day late in a dollar short, kid.

[Paul Virzi]

Don't worry about it. I gotcha. Fucking kidding me.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry.

[Paul Virzi]

It's. You know, this is the birthday week of my lovely, lovely, lovely wife, who I'm still crazy about after all these years, and my son. So I had to make sure I was there for it. So I jumped on a red eye and I was back there. Oh, Billy the baker. I frosted the cake. You know, I did at least that part of it and was there for the photo op. I gave him a birthday gift and he just has a million dollar smile and I was. It was awesome. And I went swimming with both of my kids and I hung out with my lovely, lovely wife, and it was great. And then I just jumped on a super early flight, came back and did the show last night. So my apologies, you know, for being a little late here. My plan was to land and do the podcast, but I. I knew I was burnt out and I was like, you know, this just doesn't feel like it's gonna be fun. I had to save something for the play there anyway, in the final four.

[Bill Burr]

Weeks of the play.

[Paul Virzi]

And I think I'm going to make it. I don't think I'm going to get.

[Bill Burr]

Fired at this point.

[Paul Virzi]

I didn't get sick.

[Bill Burr]

I made it through the winter months.

[Paul Virzi]

I didn't miss any shows.

[Bill Burr]

And as long as I don't get fucking food poisoning, I think I'm in the clear. Although I am nervous at the big gay gym because it's Pride month, everybody, So I think the COVID is going.

[Paul Virzi]

To be going around.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was at the gym today and there was this giant fucking Ivan Drago gay dude. And I swear to God, he's wearing like, it's Calvin Klein underwear, all right? And he's a total fucking narcissist. And he's just right up in the mirror doing his fucking shit. And it's. He's doing it right in front of the rack with all the weights. So it's him, his dick and his fucking giant body, and it's just like, buddy, like, what the fuck are you. There's a mirror. If you just walk down 20 fucking feet, you fucking asshole. And just you. There's the whole mirror. You can look at all of you. And then there was a Little guy who was doing the same fucking thing, all right? And I'm not putting this on gay people because there's straight guys that do this, too. If you're fucking over at the rack where all the dumbbells are fucking, take a step back, dude. This guy was almost in the mirror. He was almost dry humping himself.

[Paul Virzi]

Un fucking real. The fucking etiquette.

[Bill Burr]

Another thing is the people using the machines and then just staring at their phone and not realizing they fucking got their mouth open like they're taking a nap. They're so into their phone and they're taking like three minute breaks between sets. What else. What else is getting you going, Bill?

[Paul Virzi]

I don't know. I don't fucking know. So anyway, I went over to the.

[Bill Burr]

Big gay gym today.

[Paul Virzi]

I did some reps. 5, 6, 7, 8. And I got it done. I got it done. I got it in. I'm back. Whatever. Yeah, my brain's all over the place.

[Bill Burr]

So let's. Let's talk about some stuff. All right? The NBA Finals is featuring your Indiana Pacers versus your Oklahoma City Thunder. It's looking like, from what people are telling me, I didn't watch anything out the West.

[Paul Virzi]

It's.

[Bill Burr]

It's David and Goliath. There's a few people saying, you know, I think the pages could surprise you people, but generally speaking, people are saying the Thunder are going to bring the lightning. See what I did there?

[Paul Virzi]

And this is going to be a five, six game series. That's what they're saying. I'm back here by myself, so I have nothing better to do other than do this amazing play that I've had the privilege to do over all of these months. And I'm just gonna come back and watch the games. That's what I'm doing.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what you're doing, but.

[Paul Virzi]

That'S what the I'm doing.

[Bill Burr]

And why does it. What does it look like this? That this podcast is a little quiet. Where the.

[Paul Virzi]

Are my bows? Are they on?

[Bill Burr]

Sometimes that happens.

[Paul Virzi]

You leave them on.

[Bill Burr]

Did I leave it on?

[Paul Virzi]

Is it off?

[Bill Burr]

Is it off?

[Paul Virzi]

It's off. That one's off. My other one, my workout one was for the first time ever, it was buzzing because I've had. I've had this pair of Bose, the gray ones forever. And Bose is like an old school company. They actually support their products. So when the spongy part around your ear wears out, they send you new ones. It's.

[Bill Burr]

It's the most exciting thing ever.

[Paul Virzi]

You take the old ones off, you Put the new ones on.

[Bill Burr]

They're all shiny and new. Come aboard. Let's go to the big gay gym and do the squat rack. No, I fucking. It's my favorite thing ever. My fucking favorite thing ever. But I think they're finally.

[Paul Virzi]

After all the years of taking them to the gym, I think they're finally. I think it was the beginning of like, oh, fuck, are these things gonna die on me? What are you gonna do?

[Bill Burr]

What are you gonna do?

[Paul Virzi]

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna stick with Bose because they support their fucking products.

[Bill Burr]

So anyway.

[Paul Virzi]

Yes, the.

[Bill Burr]

Unfortunately, the New York Knicks exciting playoff.

[Paul Virzi]

Run came to an end.

[Bill Burr]

Who knows, if they didn't give away.

[Paul Virzi]

That game one, we would have had a epic game seven that I was really hoping for because I, you know, I don't know, I kind of got into the.

[Bill Burr]

Kind of got into that next team. You know, I shook off the loss then, beating my Celtics. They beat us fair and square there. They were the better team. So why not the Knicks? Why not the Knicks? So I kind of got into them and you know, I like that. I like Carl Anthony Towns. I like the fucking elbows the guy's throwing. He's getting a ton of shit on the Internet and I think it's fucked up. Just let the guy be who the fuck he is. Just let him.

[Paul Virzi]

But it's so fucking dumb.

[Bill Burr]

Homophobia is the dumbest fucking.

[Paul Virzi]

As I'm sitting there making fun of.

[Bill Burr]

The big gay gym, it's the stupidest thing ever. You can't be religious and be homophobic at the same time. God made gay people, all right? So fucking leave. Mal. He got you the Eastern Conference finals. I'm not saying he's gay either. I just. It's just, it's. That's what people. Just leave the guy alone.

[Paul Virzi]

That's all I'm saying.

[Bill Burr]

All right. Jalen Brunson. I. I don't know. I just got into the. The team and I was going over my buddy's house and Versi's a big Knicks fan.

[Paul Virzi]

And this is the thing.

[Bill Burr]

There's a. I want to see the.

[Paul Virzi]

Knicks win a championship.

[Bill Burr]

Because when they do, Paul Versi is gonna break down and cry like a little kid. And I want to see that. I want that form and I also want the laugh of it. So who knows? I mean, the Knicks were bad for a long fucking time.

[Paul Virzi]

And they went on.

[Bill Burr]

They beat the defending NBA champions. They got all the way to the Eastern Conference finals. They fucked up that first game. I mean, they came really close. They still almost took them seven games.

[Paul Virzi]

And who knows, they had another player in the off season. They draft somebody. I don't know what. So that's, that is good for them and that's good for basketball.

[Bill Burr]

The NBA, which is a shit fucking league. The amount of fucking people on ESPN and the amount of people talking going, oh, my God, the Indiana Paces versus the Oklahoma City Thunder. Who the fuck is going to watch that? It's like they're the two best teams that are left. Why wouldn't you? Because you've been conditioned by the NBA and they're selfish. Just so going after the fucking money and no parity in the league that nobody gives a fuck. And unless it's Boston, Louisiana, Miami or Golden State, and evidently everybody else can go fuck themselves, that would not be happening if this was the Super Bowl. It would be the Indianapolis Colts.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, let's see. Oklahoma doesn't have a fucking team, do they? They don't.

[Bill Burr]

Whatever. I'm just saying if. If the fucking Indianapolis Colts and the Arizona Cardinals were playing, everyone would be watching because they have parity.

[Paul Virzi]

They.

[Bill Burr]

They would have knocked off these great teams in the NFL. The way that they have their product is no matter how much your team sucks, the right coach, the right GM ownership and draft picks, all of a sudden your team can be in the super bowl like anybody can win it. That's the way a league should be. The NBA sold their soul to the super team a long time ago when Kobe Bryant got drafted by Charlotte and he said, I'm not fucking playing there. And, and they were like, okay. And they allow all of these big stars to leave fucking all of these teams to every. To everybody ends up in LA for some reason. I'm not saying, obviously, John Elway said, I'm not playing for the Colts. You know, I get like quarterbacks. I get it more in the NFL because your career is going to be over, you know, with no offensive line.

[Paul Virzi]

With no coach, no GM and all of that.

[Bill Burr]

I understand that. But your NBA career is not going to be over. Basketball is not like football and it's certainly not today.

[Paul Virzi]

It's. It's just a fucking perimeter game. So I don't know. I always hate when they say that.

[Bill Burr]

Like, what does Indian. Indiana. Indiana doesn't deserve an NBA championship. Indiana is a basketball crazy fucking state. The entire state is not just the.

[Paul Virzi]

City like New York.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Paul Virzi]

I don't know. It's strange to me. It's fucking strange to me, but I really got into that Knicks Pacer series, man. It was a lot of fun to watch.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Paul Virzi]

And then I've been watching the hockey, too. So we got. I'm watching the hot.

[Bill Burr]

How old do I sign? I'm watching the hockey there. Florida Panthers vs. Edmonton Oilers. Edmonton Oil is trying to bring the Stanley cup back to Canada. Oh, Canada. You haven't won a cop since 1993. And even fucking then, it was the Canadians. And everyone fucking hates them. Cause they think that they are French, but they're really not. They're a bunch of hicks living in that fucking country. Shut your fucking family. Yo, Tom Bush. Anyway, this is a hard one for.

[Paul Virzi]

Me because I love fucking Brad Marchand and I want to see him to get a cup. So I am rooting for the Florida Brad Marchands. I'm not rooting for the Florida Panthers. Them, they kicked my team's ass two years in a row. So them. But I love Brad Marchand, so I would like to see him win. So if Florida wins, I am cheering Brad Marchand. Other than that, the Edmonton Oilers. I grew up watching those incredible teams with Yari Curry, Grant Fuhrer, Mark Messier, Paul Coffey. Oh, yeah, Wayne Gretzky and all of those guys. Mike Krushelniski ended up out there. And Craig McTavish. A couple of Bruins ended up out there. We got Andy Moog from them. They were hockey royalty and arguably the greatest hockey team ever assembled as far as talent that I've ever seen in the modern era when there was more than six teams. So for them to be the team that could possibly bring it back with Connor McDavid, dry seidel nurse, all of those guys, I like that team, too. Paul Coffey's with that team. I love that guy. I met him years ago at this benefit and he couldn't have been a cooler guy. So I'm rooting for Edmonton. I'm rooting for. The team I'm rooting for is Edmonton. But if Florida wins it, I'm going to be happy for Brad Marchand. So I'm just going to. I'm just hoping it's good. Like, I'm hoping both series are going to go seven games because I. I have nothing better to do. Oh, Billy. Talking sports here and then MotoGP last fucking week. Marco Baseki.

[Bill Burr]

Basecki.

[Paul Virzi]

Is that how you say it won in England? Crazy race.

[Bill Burr]

The race starts and Alex Marquez just sends it like he's on a dirt bike in somebody's fucking backyard to the first turn. And he goes to. I don't know what happened. The front wheel just went out from underneath him. They didn't blame him. They said it was something else about the track. And then all of a sudden, guys just start wiping out. And like within like the first two laps, Alex Marquez was out and so was Mark Marquez.

[Paul Virzi]

The Marquez brothers are both out and.

[Bill Burr]

Fabio Quattararo is in first place. They end up having. Because a red flag came out within the first two to three laps. That means they do a restart of the race, which allowed both Marquez brothers to go back to the pits and get their fucking second bike. And they went back out there, which was fucking huge. Towards the end of the season, if it's close. The fact that Mark Marquez and Alex.

[Paul Virzi]

Were able to finish and gets points was huge.

[Bill Burr]

The tragedy was Fabio Quattro was like, had like a three second lead with like three laps to go. And all of a sudden he just put his hand up, you know, warning.

[Paul Virzi]

The riders that he was slowing down, that something was going on. And something happened. He applied the front brake and he couldn't get it to come off. And it was just a malfunction on the bike. And, oh, it was the worst. The guy got off the bike and literally like fucking, fucking broke down crying.

[Bill Burr]

Which was sad, but was also cool to see how much these kids want to win.

[Paul Virzi]

He hasn't won a race in a couple of seasons and it was just the worst luck ever.

[Bill Burr]

And very quietly, Johann Zarco, he won.

[Paul Virzi]

In the rain race in France and.

[Bill Burr]

Now he's in second place.

[Paul Virzi]

So he's racked up a lot of points. First and second place the last two races. So there's another race this weekend and. And I am fucking all about it. I am all about it. And with that, let's get on to my. My week here. As far as we're knocking out eight more shows, and after this week, I cannot believe it. There's only going to be 24 more shows. Three more weeks, eight shows a week, and it is going to fly by. I'm trying to savor every moment. The actors were all having so much fun on stage. We're sort of fucking with each other at this point. Cause at this point I could literally do my taxes and deliver my lines at the same time. Which really becomes the challenge where you're. It's like the challenge. How about where, like, you're. You don't want your brain to wander because you can. That happens in standup when you get sick of your act and you're like thinking about, I don't know, you know, like whatever why. Why did I get that 6am flight? I should have slept in. I'm wiped. Ah, but I'll get home and see the kids. You're thinking that as you're doing your act, but there's, you know, your foot comes off the gas a little bit ever so slightly. So that's bad enough in stand up, but forget about in, like, acting, where these guys are all, like, really desperate and, like, what is at stake is their ability to make a living, their careers, and all of them. You know, there's a line in the act where a man is his job. And I really feel like this is the era of men that we're talking about here. So if my mind is wandering, I'm not going to have. I'm not going to be bringing the right intensity to it. But fortunately, I get to do my first scene, as I've been telling you, with Michael McKean, who is.

[Bill Burr]

The greatest.

[Paul Virzi]

Listener of any actor ever. He's obviously, everybody knows he's a great actor, but that guy's listening abilities, skills, where, like, I don't know, I just. I have never thrown the ball back to him in a different way where.

[Bill Burr]

It didn't go right into the web.

[Paul Virzi]

Of his glove, put it that way, because he is. He is just. He's there every single performance. It's incredible. It's really inspiring. So I got that going on. I got my last, like, I don't know, five, seven pounds I'm trying to drop. I'm staying away from the bread, bro. I'm not eating late, and I'm getting plenty of protein and I'm doing. What I got to do at my age is I'm coming up on another birthday here, and I got to tell you, man, for my age, I look fantastic as long as the age is in there. If you take the age out of it, I'm a mess. But, like.

[Bill Burr]

But if you allow me to use my age. Why does it look like this is being so quiet? It might. I can't find my headphones.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm not doing this. I don't. I don't. I don't get mad like this shit anymore. I get. I'm more like frustrated. Oh, and I'm turning the corner on this. This car model that I've been building.

[Bill Burr]

This super B. I really felt like.

[Paul Virzi]

I wasn't gonna finish it. I really did. And I was just getting depressed going.

[Bill Burr]

Like, dude, this really just takes me.

[Paul Virzi]

Back to when I was a fucking kid. Oh, here are my headphones, and I do have them on all right. When I was a fucking kid, I just never could finish anything. Couldn't finish a book, couldn't pass a class, just fucking brain bouncing all over the place.

[Bill Burr]

So there's something about this shit.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm like, I have to fucking finish this. This has to be something. I can't let this go. So somehow I turned the fucking corner because these instructions really suck. And. But you know what's funny is I've watched enough of these gearhead shows that I now under, you know, I understand enough of how a car comes together that I, I've been able to figure out that was not described properly. Like, I'm going to put the firewall on. And they just sort of draw like this line with an arrow down to these things. I'm like, what the.

[Bill Burr]

I'm like, well, the firewall's got to.

[Paul Virzi]

Touch the two side interior fenders. I knew that. And then all of a sudden it just sort of slid because.

[Bill Burr]

Do I put it here? Is it here? You know, and I painted all the.

[Paul Virzi]

Pieces and I was sitting there going, like, is the paint in the little.

[Bill Burr]

Hole that it's supposed to go into?

[Paul Virzi]

And then finally I figured it out. So I got the first four steps painted, glued together. I got eight more to go and I'm gonna finish this. Which I've never done in my life. I've never finished a car model ever. I would always get impatient. I would skip to the end. I would be gluing together while the paint was still drying and my fingerprints would be all over it.

[Bill Burr]

I was just.

[Paul Virzi]

It was a mess. It looked like, you know when you're trying to make a recipe and you. Everything up or whatever, just a shit show. So it's for some dumb reason, it's really important.

[Bill Burr]

It's as important.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, I can't say as in. But it's.

[Bill Burr]

It's right up there with doing a.

[Paul Virzi]

Good job on the play. I have to make sure that I, I finish this goddamn model here. And other than that, I think the summer is finally here. We once again had no spring. So I guess that that's what climate change is.

[Bill Burr]

We now have summer and winter.

[Paul Virzi]

And that's been my dad joke in my act that eventually the Four Seasons Hotel is gonna have to change their name to the Two Seasons.

[Bill Burr]

And I feel like spring and fall are gonna go away the way like.

[Paul Virzi]

You know, car companies went away like Packard, they don't make those Nash Metropolitan. They just. Those companies don't exist anyway. AMC went away. They all just fucking go away anyway.

[Bill Burr]

Speaking of going away. The Tesla guy is gone. I think he did enough to ensure that he can keep making more money the way that he wants to make money and fuck over the working man. And I'm just letting everybody know out there, these are all white people doing this to you. It's not Mexicans jumping over a wall. It's not Chinese people. It's not some fucking. Whatever you want to say. It's not that. It's your own fucking people who are fucking you while they're pointing at Mexicans, Chinese, Arabs and all of this. It's them. It is them. And we are on the same side. We are all on the same side. All right? Now, there was nothing political about that. I got no beef with Republicans and Democrats. What I have beef with is these fucking cunts at the top, the marionette guys who are moving the strings. That's who you got to look at. That's who the fucking problem is, okay? And we need more people out there that understand what's going on the way Luigi did. You know, I liked about Luigi, he was playing Reverse Hunger Games. He turned the game on them.

[Paul Virzi]

He turned the game on them and they freaked.

[Bill Burr]

They freaked out so much that they're charging him with fucking terrorism. Like they don't know exactly fucking why he did.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, my God, that was so embarrassing. Watching CNN and Fox News, acting like they didn't understand the motive behind what the fuck that guy did. You know, as they look the other way as the body count. The fucking body count on so many of these CEOs, on their own countrymen.

[Bill Burr]

Forget about overseas, the ones that profit off of war. Just the ones that profit off of.

[Paul Virzi]

Fucking medicine and disease and all of that shit. The fucking body count on these guys of their own people. Treasonous fucking behavior.

[Bill Burr]

Vampires, Reptiles.

[Paul Virzi]

Anyway, anyway, plowing ahead. I've still been working on my French. I didn't leave that alone. My conversational French is. Is flatlined. I can read it really well, though, now. And I actually read this paper every day, skim it. The Le Parisian. And it's so funny. Like, I've decided now that all I have is my old pickup truck and I have all this room in the driveway now. I always wanted one of those Vespas. I just. They. They're cool as. So literally, the day I just go, you know what?

[Bill Burr]

I'm gonna fucking get one. I'm gonna get one. I'm gonna ride around for a little bit and I'll fucking sell it.

[Paul Virzi]

Because that's my new thing.

[Bill Burr]

I'm gonna Own all the vehicles I ever wanted, but never at the same time. That's how you do it. I'll own all the fucking cars I've ever wanted to drive for a year, and then I'll fucking sell them. I don't give a shit. I lose money. I don't give a fuck. I'll lay on my deathbed. I had. I had an El Dorado. I had a Coupe de Ville. I had an Impala. I had a Cutlass.

[Paul Virzi]

I had a Vespa, and I rode that drum.

[Bill Burr]

No stage. And I enjoyed myself. I love you all. And then I'll die. That's how I'm going out. That's how I'm going out. It's my life. That's how I'm going out. So the second I decide that I.

[Paul Virzi]

Want to get one of these, what happens?

[Bill Burr]

They.

[Paul Virzi]

They end up. I end up reading this story in Le Parisian, and it's talking about how they. They won some big soccer championship.

[Bill Burr]

And I couldn't tell if it was part of this, being out there celebrating.

[Paul Virzi]

Or somebody was drunk or whatever.

[Bill Burr]

Some poor young kid was on a.

[Paul Virzi]

Scooter and got hit by a car and died.

[Bill Burr]

Literally the day.

[Paul Virzi]

Literally the day. But fortunately, I justified it in my head, like, we don't care about soccer in this country, so I think I'm safe.

[Bill Burr]

All right, with that? With that, Ed, with that. Let's read some of the advertising for we. Oh, well, look who it is, everybody. Cornbread hemp. There's a new way to have a great time with friends without the booze or the bad decisions. Cornbread hemps. The THC seltzers just came out, and you have to try them. You can drink weed.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

Finally a thc. Like, this is all just, like, marijuana mashups. Finally, a THC seltzer that tastes and feels amazing. Perfect for spring and summer and possibly at work. Who's gonna know THC is odorless? The amount of people who got up, just be like, hi. At fucking work, dude.

[Paul Virzi]

This.

[Bill Burr]

You know how this used to be?

[Paul Virzi]

You step to sit in the parking lot with those fucking little nips, those little hotel bar nips, and you fucking.

[Bill Burr]

Suck down one or two, depending on.

[Paul Virzi]

How much you hated your job that day, right? And then you had, like, a little bit of. You'd have, like, some dentine. You put it in your mouth and be chewing that, you know, like it was the eighth inning of a dog day, a summer baseball game. That's how everybody knew you had a little bit of booze, right? You came in, you were a little.

[Bill Burr]

Louder than anybody else. Like, you know, how about that traffic? You know.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh my. There was nothing sadder in the 80s than being in a loveless marriage, you know, at some job you fucking hated, sitting out in the parking lot.

[Bill Burr]

Driving.

[Paul Virzi]

An American car that was horrifically underpowered, but still carried the make and model name of a once glorious muscle car. You know, like, remember those Dodge Lasers and they brought back the Charger and it literally looked like the Mustang 2. And you'd be just sitting there with.

[Bill Burr]

The 140 horsepower Dodge Charger because you.

[Paul Virzi]

Couldn'T get the one with the 2.0-liter.

[Bill Burr]

V6 that kicked it up to 175 horsepower.

[Paul Virzi]

And you just sat out there.

[Bill Burr]

In.

[Paul Virzi]

Your little Michael J. Fox skinny tie, in your white shirt with your gray pleated pants, just staring at that soulless building, knowing you had to go in there into that, that cubicle, which really was the, that was the original Minecraft, was the way they assembled those things. And you'd sit out in the parking lot, you know, with those stupid shoes. Remember those shoes? They look like dance, dancing like shoes, except they were pointy on the end, but they had no design to them, they were just all smooth. That, that's how you let, like the chicks know that, you know, you were up for a good time on the weekend. As a guy in the 80s is you had those shoes with your pleated pants and then you had a skinny leather tie. A skinny leather tie to let people know that you were there for the party and not for the work. And then you had your hair spiked. And then you had the fucking mullet in the back, no sideburns, who came straight across, you know, and if you wanted to move up in the company, you didn't cut the lines in the side of your head, you know what I mean? You just, you just brought the vibes. Like, you know, during the week, I do this. On the weekend I'm in Kenmore Square at fucking narcissist trying to, you know, avoid syphilis, getting a Hummer in the front seat of my 140 horsepower V6 bucket seat Dodge Charger. And you come into work and you were like half in the bag until break time and. But now you don't have to do that anymore. You don't have to do any of that.

[Bill Burr]

This is the, this was like a.

[Paul Virzi]

Literally a family guy left turn from this, this fucking advertising.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, this is when they write, they.

[Paul Virzi]

Try to write the copy in my, my, my speak.

[Bill Burr]

Look, I'm going to be blunt. If you're running a business, every missed call is like tossing a dollar bill out the window. All right? Personally, I would have picked a higher.

[Paul Virzi]

Denomination than a dollar. It's like throwing 20 bucks out the window. All right?

[Bill Burr]

With inflation, I don't care if you're a plumber, a baker, or, or a psychologist. Wow, they would. They really covered a lot of ground there. I don't care if you're a traffic cop building an app or a sex worker. Every call is a potential customer. And you know what? The second you don't pick up, they're calling the next guy. It's like dating. You snooze, you lose. Well, yeah, I mean, I don't think you can fall asleep on a date and the person's happy about that. That's why you need open phone. It's a phone system built for people who actually want to make money, not watch it slip away. Open phone gives you a business number that works right through an app on your phone. Simple, right? If you have employees or co workers, your whole team can share the same number to answer calls and texts like a shared inbox. Whoever picks up, they know exactly what's going on. And with AI powered call transcripts and summaries, you don't have to worry about taking down messages and follow up, slipping through the cracks. And forget voicemail. Open phones. AI agents pick up after hours. Hello, thank you for calling, Michael. Sex working operation. If you'd like a hand job, press on, answer questions, even grab leads. It's like having an assistant who actually shows up, you know, can we stop with the shade on human human beings? Human beings show up. Jesus. Fucking this, this, this, this. Beginning hostility toward human beings while selling shit to human beings. All right, over 50,000 businesses trust open phone. So don't be the last one to catch up. Go to openphone.com burr and get 20% off your first six months. That's open phone phone with a ph.com spur. And it's open like that whore's legs up the street. And if you've got numbers from another service, they'll port them over at no extra charge. Open phone. No missed calls, no missed customers. Hey now. All right. Simply safe. You know that moment at night when you're locking up, turning off the lights, and suddenly there's a bear at your window and. Or at least you think it's a bear, but then you realize it's just a big gay guy trying to break into your house. You want to feel completely safe before heading to bed. That's what Simply Safe gives me. I've been using it for a while now, and it honestly changes how I think about home security. What if during pride month, everything became gay? Like only gay people could break into your house. That sounds like the beginning of a really bad stand up bit. And you wouldn't even care because it'd be like a party. That's why Simply Safe gives me. That's what it gives me. I've been using it for a while now, and it's honestly changed how I think about home security. Most security systems only take action after someone breaks in. That's too late. Simply Safe new active guard outdoor protection. Helps stop break ins before they happen. AI powered cameras plus live monitoring agents detect systems suspicious activity around your property. If someone's lurking. That's one of the creepiest words. Can you imagine defending yourself in your own trial? All right, obviously you're defending yourself. You've waived the option for you. Is it my understanding that you've decided to defend yourself, Mr. Byrd? Yes. Okay, you can. You can start your open statements and then you're looking over the jerky.

[Paul Virzi]

Hey, man, I wasn't lurking.

[Bill Burr]

I wouldn't even say it. Listen, I am so offended that I was accused of the L word, okay? I wasn't doing that. I'm old. I was walking up the hill and my Achilles was talking to me. I thought it was going to snap, all right? So I was doing what I had to do to work it out. I'm sorry. I leaned up against his perimeter wall. I wasn't trying to scale it. I was trying. Anyway, if someone's lurking, agents talk to them in real time, turn on spotlights and can call the police. Proactively deterring crime before it starts. No contracts, no hidden feeds. Named best home security system of 2025 by CNET, whatever the hell that is. Four million plus Americans trust SimpliSafe. Ranked number one in customer service by Newsweek and USA. USA Today. That's a magazine and a newspaper for anybody under the age of 40. Monitoring plans start around a dollar a day, 60 day money back guarantee. Visit simplysafe.combird to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan. And get your first month for free. That's Simplisafe. S I M P L I s a f e.com/ there's no safe like Simply Safe.

[Paul Virzi]

All right. Oh, I love the name of this.

[Bill Burr]

Here we go. We got our first listeners. You know what, guys? Enough about me. I'm an empath. So Like, I want to hear from you, Mexican tooth fairy. All right, so I've been talking about.

[Paul Virzi]

Like, how all of these stupid fairies and bunnies and old guys coming down the chimney. Jesus Christ.

[Bill Burr]

Well, what if he gets simply sa. And Santa Claus comes to town?

[Paul Virzi]

Ho, ho, ho. I wasn't lurking. Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

Santa Claus, is it my understanding that you've decided to represent yourself in court?

[Paul Virzi]

That is correct.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, you can start with the opening sentence. It's kind of ironic. I was not taking anything from the house.

[Paul Virzi]

I was actually leaving things.

[Bill Burr]

Mexican tooth fairy. Okay, I guess this is the story.

[Paul Virzi]

Of the Mexican tooth fairy.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, Billy. Extra meat burrito tits. First of all, you motherfucker, I have a better. I bet I have a better chest than you. I'm. I have an alabaster bastard over 56 now I'm gonna be 57.

[Paul Virzi]

I got.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, my fucking chest is ridiculous for my age. Most people have. It looks like they already nursed three kids. That's what most men's chests look at my fucking age. Not me, buddy. An extra meat is protein, if you fucking knew anything. Which would just make my fucking alabaster chest even more pronounced.

[Paul Virzi]

I like that for you, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Defending your fucking torso. Hey, Bill. Big fan. Been listening since high school.

[Paul Virzi]

10 years ago.

[Bill Burr]

Recently, you were talking about how your daughter wised up about the tooth fairy. I'm not a father myself, but have qualms about lying to children too. But at the end of the day, I think you can just keep it to Santa Claus.

[Paul Virzi]

I don't think you have to do the tooth fairy.

[Bill Burr]

Like, nobody at school. Like, kids don't talk about the tooth fairy. I don't know if it's a homophobic thing. You know tooth fairy is a woman, right? But did it transition from not believable to completely not believable story? I am not a father myself, but have qualms about lying to children too. But at the end of the day, believe everyone should raise their kids how they see fit. But he writes in all capital letters. Have you heard of the Mexican tooth fairy? Have you heard about the Mexican tooth fairy? I reckon you haven't. I can't tell if this person is Latino or not. You brought up a burrito, which is a really white order, which I've learned.

[Paul Virzi]

From Mexicans that have written in that.

[Bill Burr]

I should order a torta, which I did the other day. I was very proud of myself as a white man. I went in and I got the torta, and I could see the guy behind the counter going, like, what? What?

[Paul Virzi]

What?

[Bill Burr]

Do you want extra fucking guacamole on your burrito? Actually, I want a torta. Oh, look at you. Do you have a podcast? But this person also said. I reckon. I reckon you haven't. Not because I think you're simple, but because she isn't a fairy at all.

[Paul Virzi]

Okay, okay.

[Bill Burr]

The way I heard it from my mother growing up. All right, he is. This person is Mexican. Why are you appropriating the word reckon? I'm really offended as a white man who doesn't own a ranch, but I. You. But that's the dressing I use on my way. All right. The way I heard it from my mother growing up. Instead of a fairy in a pink tutu and he wrote, tw o T w o isn't two two t, u t U?

[Paul Virzi]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

In Mexico, they got El Raton. I'm using a French accent.

[Paul Virzi]

I don't know how to. I'm really bad with Spanish.

[Bill Burr]

All I know is that you guys.

[Paul Virzi]

Say paro a lot. Barrow, Espanol, Barrel. There's always a barrel. I always hear paro. Yo soy comico. All right. El Raton.

[Bill Burr]

That sounds like the name of a.

[Paul Virzi]

Pitcher at this point. El Guapo. El Raton. I guess that would be an insult. If you call him the fucking Tooth Fairy.

[Bill Burr]

There would be a Mexican pitcher with.

[Paul Virzi]

Big teeth who, when there was a bench clear in brawl, he didn't go out. And then they started calling them El Raton.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry. All right. Mouse slash rat that sneaks into your room. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, it's not a fairy. A mouse slash rat that sneaks into your room and pulls a tooth from under your pillow, then gives you a couple of bucks for your troubles. I thought you would say pulls it out of your mouth. The rest of the tale pretty much aligns with the American versions. It's just the anatomy of the fairy that changes. Until I was getting ready to send this email, I never looked up the origins of origins of the fairy tale or even if it existed outside of my immediate family. Well, it turns out it does. In the original, original iteration, this dude goes by El Ratone Perez or El Raton Cito. I apologize to anybody even remotely Latino.

[Paul Virzi]

With this butchering of this Perez.

[Bill Burr]

El Raton.

[Paul Virzi]

El Ratoncito Perez Ocho.

[Bill Burr]

Amongst his friends. I always say ocho because along when I used to watch ESPN boxing, there.

[Paul Virzi]

Was this referee, and when he would count somebody, he would always do all the numbers in English until he would get to eight.

[Bill Burr]

So he'd be like five Six, seven, Ocho. And the amount of people that he woke up where they were, like, I gotta get up or I'm not gonna make this count.

[Paul Virzi]

Okay. Anyway.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, it translates to the Rat Perez or the little Mouse Perez. Personally, I wouldn't want either of those under my pillow. So as far as the tooth fairy goes, at least you didn't pick a rodent to lie to your kids about. Yeah, that's kind of scary. Thanks for the last buttery Bill. You man. That's funny. God damn it, that is funny.

[Paul Virzi]

I really am.

[Bill Burr]

I am the color. What is. What is that? What is that?

[Paul Virzi]

Milk? Oh, that. What is it?

[Bill Burr]

Buttermilk, Bill. Oh, Billy Buttermilk. Have fun in. In the sauna with your boys at the gym.

[Paul Virzi]

I think I got to go in there once just for the story. That's not going to happen.

[Bill Burr]

Corporations and immigration. I am not going into a steam room in a gym because I was a kid in the 70s and that was close enough. If you get it, you get it. Corporations and immigrations. Immigration. Hey, Bill, Corporations love illegal immigration. Historically, Democrats have been for stronger borders in order to protect their relationship with unions. Whether it be political strategy or altruistic intentions.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, it never has to do with any sort of what's right or wrong. It's always for money reasons.

[Bill Burr]

When Bush was lenient on immigrations in the late 90s. Bush wasn't president in the late 90s. What's his face?

[Paul Virzi]

The fucking cigar guy who use that woman's vagina as a human. Or.

[Bill Burr]

Hillary. I was just trying to keep it moist. It was rather gross, Bill. That was roundly criticized by Democrats because they were exploiting low wages and hurting middle and lower class job markets.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, they always say that.

[Bill Burr]

It doesn't hurt the middle. What hurts the middle class is the super rich. Never in history ever wanting to pay middle class people. They don't want to pay them and they've always been blamed using immigrants as fucking scapegoats. It isn't. It's the super rich. They don't want to pay you. Several prominent Democrats, I.e. obama, Hillary, all took the same stance against heavy illegal. For reasons I can only speculate, Biden's administration changed this policy greatly. My assumption is that it was mostly for sinister reasons. That's always the place where you go high level politics. I don't care what color the the tie is. They are there for the kickback in the stock market to D or sinister reasons to destabilize the working class even more. Before the techno Craddock rollout to stress current systems. But I digress. All it took was Trump to say we need to secure the borders. And because everyone who hates Trump thinks whatever he says must be wrong, they have been able to flip an entire party on a particular issue. But have they really flipped? I don't think any, I honestly think.

[Paul Virzi]

That most people just care about themselves. I, I feel it, but I guess, I guess they can move you around, right?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, it's, it's, there's just.

[Paul Virzi]

So many levels of lies. I, I commend anybody who tries to navigate it. I tapped out years ago.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Paul Virzi]

I, I, I'm for the common man. I'm for middle class people, I'm for poor people and I'm for immigrants. And I am against people amassing ridiculous levels of wealth unless they're paying their people, their employees, their worth. I have no problem with somebody being a billionaire as long as people have benefits and are comfortable and can go home at night and relax and know that their family is safe and can eat. And I don't think that's asking too much as an employee, you know, evidently it is. These days, to be fair, the immigration problem has been driven by the destabilization of Middle Eastern and North African countries, which all of Congress and all presidents can share the blame. Can you imagine just going into another country and destabilizing it just for your own fucking profit and then going on TV and smiling and waving like there's no way that those people believe in any sort of God. The immigration issue is largely felt by working class citizens, which communicates. Oh, whose communities? Sorry, I gotta get my glasses. Whose communities are already stressed for resources? Corporations benefit by exploiting immigrants and paying them less than fair wages. One of the greatest achievements in the early 1990s was the work of liberal minded political figures to validate the creation of unions and their eventual role in mid century America. The other issue is that our country is broke. And when you give free housing and allowances to people who just crossed over, it creates attention for Americans who have received nothing from watching their industries be crushed by outsourcing to countries and relatively lower living standards?

[Bill Burr]

Yes it does. It creates tension. Don't you think they knew that when they do that the only reason why that they help out these immigrants, if this is what they're actually fucking doing, giving free housing and allowances to immigrants, the reason why they do it is so you as a middle class person will not look at them and will not look at who they're getting paid at and you will get mad at the immigrants. That's what they want. Have them fighting with each other while we take more. That is the game. So the same way they are destabilizing other countries, they destabilize their own country. They are fucking traitors. They're treasonous people. They should all be hanging from their toes from fucking trees or an old school laundry line, whatever you want to hang them from. Anyway, Back, back, back, back, back. Where are blaming immigrants and also scorning those for even mentioning the issue of immigrations are both largely ignorant and surface level takes. Yeah, yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell people.

[Paul Virzi]

It's. It's, you know, and I'm a moron and I can see what's going on here.

[Bill Burr]

They also use racism because as a white person, you're going to trust what.

[Paul Virzi]

A white person is saying.

[Bill Burr]

And you're also going to see a white person succeeding. And you think like, oh, I could be that guy. Why would this person lie? We're on the same fucking team. They're not. You're not on the same fucking team.

[Paul Virzi]

All right, this is going to get dark. No pun intended. No reverse pun intended.

[Bill Burr]

All right. Sailing to Hawaii.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, this is. That was my favorite thing on Instagram. Sailing with Phoenix.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, Bill. Really happy for the guy who sailed.

[Paul Virzi]

To Hawaii after quitting his job. It was just such a fucking great story.

[Bill Burr]

But let's face it, if slash when you heard this story for the first time and it was attached to a quote from an experienced sailor saying it was a crazy thing to do, you.

[Paul Virzi]

And everyone would be ragging on this.

[Bill Burr]

Guy, taking bets on when he would.

[Paul Virzi]

He goes missing or stops posting.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, so you're saying that my opinion can be manipulated that easily? Wow, I love how this whole thing started. This guy, I'm just happy for this kid. He had a dream, he was stuck in the corporate world and he got out of it. He went out there and I am. What was fascinating to me, I related because I went after a dream and it worked out. So I was rooting for his dream to work out. And then also, I am fucking terrified of the ocean. Terrified of the ocean. And to go out there by yourself with just a fucking cat a year into sailing is. This is the scariest fucking thing other than going to war that I can think of off the top of my head. That's why I was into it. Anyway, he said, even if that one guy who gave that quote was just.

[Paul Virzi]

Being jealous, fuck, I went up to the top again. Sorry, And I know it's my fault at this point because it was explained to me why this keeps happening when I try to scroll here. This is amazing to me.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I was just happy for this guy.

[Paul Virzi]

And now I'm kind of getting like this media lecture.

[Bill Burr]

This is. I want to see where this goes. You got my attention here. Even if that one guy who gave that quote was just being jealous or not representative of what experienced sailors thought of this undertaking. Also, if you didn't have video of him being charming and talking to a camera, you just think the guy was some nut. What is this based on? Why would I think he was nuts? I still think he's nuts. I think it was crazy thing. I mean, crazy in a good way. He did it, but I mean, it's crazy. But how can I judge that guy? I'm terrified of the fucking ocean. That's like when I tell people I fly a helicopter and I have to deal with all of their fears of helicopters and flying. I have to put that in a fucking box and be like, this has nothing to do with me. This is their fear. I mean, if everybody listened to me, there would be no boats. No boats in the ocean anyway. Literally every fucking story we hear is dominated by first impression bias. And I can see this one going either way. I don't understand. I don't understand where this also huge fuck you to people saying it must be nice in regard to quitting your job. All right, this guy's. He's just. I like. This guy's just. He's just trashing everybody. Unless I'm reading this from. Maybe he didn't go to the bar every weekend and drop 800 bucks a month on bullshit and saved accordingly. I'm tired of these people with nine streaming services, $15 a day coffee budgets, and no personal responsibility giving to the people who work hard and take smart risk. I don't understand. What the fuck was this? Okay, so he's happy for the guy. Really happy. But let's face this. If when you heard this story for the first time and it was attached to a quote from an experienced sailor saying it was a crazy thing to do, you and every other would be ragging on this guy.

[Paul Virzi]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I enjoyed it. I'm happy for him. And you know, there's not a lot of education out there on money.

[Paul Virzi]

And I think in the end you.

[Bill Burr]

Brought up some good points about how people could spend their money more wisely. But I think the common ground was we're both happy for this guy. I Can't tell if I was being yelled at, if I was being educated or if he was vibing with me. But I know enough. I've lived long enough to not dig any further. I'm just going to be, you know, if I was at a bar with him, I would just have my eyebrows up going, huh? Yeah. Oh yeah, I hear you, bro. All right. Sailing School for Dummies. All right, well, that's the one I.

[Paul Virzi]

Need to go to.

[Bill Burr]

I would actually love to watch a video on just how in the fuck that works. I feel like sailing is a lot.

[Paul Virzi]

Like aviation where you are sort of. You learn to read this invisible thing, which is air, the atmosphere. You can't see it, but you learn how to. I mean, what in the.

[Bill Burr]

I guess the flags on your boat. I'm trying to think, like how do.

[Paul Virzi]

You tell what direction the wind's going?

[Bill Burr]

But you're outside so it's blowing on your. When you're inside a plane or a helicopter, you kind of. You start to learn by the way it's pushing you or whatever. And the information, the inputs, you have, your gauges and all of that, I think there's probably a lot of similarities to it.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh my God. And you fall overboard.

[Bill Burr]

It's just like you hope hypothermia gets you for this.

[Paul Virzi]

Sharks and all of these fucking things.

[Bill Burr]

There's just monsters in there.

[Paul Virzi]

Jesus Christ. It's. It's terrifying to me. Like the balls, the balls people have. Anyway, Sailing School for Dummies.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, Billy. Scurvy nuts was listening to the Pod Thursday podcast portion about the kid who.

[Paul Virzi]

Sailed from Oregon to Hawaii.

[Bill Burr]

Thought I'd write in since I've got.

[Paul Virzi]

15 years of ocean going experience. Oh my God. I can't imagine the stories you have of malfunctions or stupid things that people have done out. I mean, I can't imagine aviation is unforgiving, but I just feel like it's.

[Bill Burr]

200 fold.

[Paul Virzi]

Being out on the water.

[Bill Burr]

I've been sailing for my entire life.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm 27 now and have been in.

[Bill Burr]

The shits several time. Watch lightning strike a beach a mile.

[Paul Virzi]

Away and blow the sand 30ft high. Oh dude, this is.

[Bill Burr]

Can I have more people riding in these fucking. ARR, matey. I was a mile away from the shore and the lightning struck in a sand or she went 30ft high, maybe 40 sharks. Got a lifeless black eye, lifeless eye, a door's eye.

[Paul Virzi]

That just reminded me of. Hear the rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. Okay, all.

[Bill Burr]

There's all sorts of electronics like Radar.

[Paul Virzi]

And wind speed readers that help us make informed decisions.

[Bill Burr]

Most boats have different size sails. The front sail is called a jib.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like the cut of his jib. On most boats they have four jibs. The smallest one is called the storm jib. It's made of heavy sailcloth rated to withstand extreme winds. You only ever put that up if you're caught with your pants down.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, wow. Additionally, they have a mainsail which can be lowered and secured to reduce sail area. Reduce sail areas called a reef. Okay, what does that mean?

[Bill Burr]

You can't be full power if you're.

[Paul Virzi]

Going through a reef because you might come aground. I don't know a lot of these terms. Obviously. I'll just read this for people who do.

[Bill Burr]

If the wind becomes too much for one or two reefs and.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, okay. He's not talking about like a coral reef.

[Bill Burr]

If your boat equipped with it, you'll put up the storm main.

[Paul Virzi]

Often cases, it's safer to sail with the storm jib. Okay.

[Bill Burr]

Often cases it's safer to sail with the storm jib and storm mainsail over.

[Paul Virzi]

Monitoring motoring keeps the boat stable. Oh, I see.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. This is like aviation. You want to be straight and level. We also have safety harnesses, personal AIs beacons that have our GPS tracking.

[Paul Virzi]

We hang these off the life jackets. Wow.

[Bill Burr]

And now are you like on a board then like with your air traffic control? Is that like the coast guard? And you're checking in with them anyway? Of course we try to avoid storms. Sometimes shit happens, right? No, you look at the fucking weather and you don't fly that day. I don't know what you're doing.

[Paul Virzi]

You're out there, brother.

[Bill Burr]

I mean in the water. I'm not talking about your mental capacity here. Even the most prepared sailor sailors go down. There's lifeboats for that. Usually the cutoff point is 40 knots of breeze for the most well equipped and capable boats. 60 knots for the select few that are capable. Dude, 60 knot winds. Are you just going. Yeah, like a cigarette boat, whatever they used to call those things, those drug dealer boats. If you're curious, you should check out the Volvo Ocean Race. Those are some of the hard, hardest nosed sailors in the world. All the best to you, big Gay Jim, Billy and the family. I have to tell you something that is something new that I am totally. I'm 100% fascinated with. That's one of the coolest emails ever. The overlap with that and like that I could relate to. With aviation I think I could finally understand on some Level, I mean, being a sailor, to me, that's right up there with being like a fucking prize fighter. Like what you do for a living is you walk into arena on an arena, shirtless and just go to battle with another fucking human being who's been studying how you fight so he can fucking hit your body so hard that you can feel your internal organs moving.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, those, those are big ball jobs.

[Bill Burr]

I just tell jokes. All right, Blind and horny.

[Paul Virzi]

That's a great name for a movie.

[Bill Burr]

Dear Billy Putt Face. Jesus Christ. The fuck did I do to you?

[Paul Virzi]

That's, that's a funny thing to call somebody. Oh, Bill Butt face.

[Bill Burr]

That's a funny thing to call a contrarian. Well, can you hear me out and stop being Billy Butt Face? You know, like butt. Like you're giving the, but this, right, the opposing view. It's always a good joke when you.

[Paul Virzi]

Have to explain it Everybody.

[Bill Burr]

I'm a 31 year old dude with the worst luck ever. Long story short, I got health issues which makes me 98% blind. Yeah, but aren't you like great at the piano though? You know, one thing goes down, something else comes up, right? I can still manage to get around in most places and work on my laptop. I have Middle Eastern face features with medium light skin tone. And live in Amsterdam. Shout out to your international fans, all right? Amsterdam is a cool fucking city. If you're gonna be 98% blind, man, that's a fucking cool city to be 98% blind in. Although I would watch out for the canals, I have never had a girlfriend as I was always struggling with health issues which destroyed my confidence. Well, at least you know it's your confidence, dude. It's not your health issues. It's not your health issues. All right, you're Arab, you got a nice fucking tan going. Yeah, you get, you're there with all those fucking white people. You're a little exotic, buddy. I think you're going to have your fucking. Dude, if you go out and you're fucking happy, go lucky, right? And you're self deprecating and all of that. Women find that shit really attractive. And you're different looking. They also like that. I. Right out of the gate, dude, right out of the gate. You're checking off a lot of boxes and I think it's going to, you know, by the end of this email, okay, it's going to be raining pussy. You're not going to be able to see most of it, but you're going to feel all of it.

[Paul Virzi]

If you know What I'm saying there.

[Bill Burr]

I built myself starting in the my early 20s and in my late 20s, built myself. I was already a master graduate. Oh, you're self made. Okay, I like this guy. I was already a master graduate, working at one of the biggest brands on the planet, making good money, working out, playing the guitar, speaking five languages. Dude, I don't understand what the problem is here. I understand losing your eyesight's got to be fucking brutal, but this should not be affecting the pussy part. I think you haven't gone through the grief of that yet, but when you do, dude, you're gonna be coming out a fucking five language, still crushing the guitar anyway. Being a community leader in a local charity and yet I am still alone. I got laid four times in the span of a year. Then my health issues caught up with me and my visions got worse. It was already bad, but now, but not that bad. I can't, for example, not play with eye contacts in pubs or even navigate a pub club without hitting stuff and looking like a fool. I don't think you look like a fool. I think you feel like that. And there's nothing wrong with needing help. Dude, there's people out there that are so fat they can't get out of fucking bed. Dude, you're in the game. You're in the game. You got an interesting story. You speak in five languages. You fucking playing the guitar in pubs. Yeah, dude, this is the only thing stopping you from getting laid is confidence. We got, we got to build you back up here. The only place I can meet meet women at now is the charity in which I am a leader, which can be tricky as I don't want to have the reputation of a creep. Thanks. Feminism. No, fuck that, dude. Feminism is helping you there. You don't ever want to bag abroad.

[Paul Virzi]

You fucking work with, all right?

[Bill Burr]

Because even if you get along, they're.

[Paul Virzi]

Going to be mad at you one.

[Bill Burr]

Day and then you got to deal with the woman in your relationship. Usually you go to work to get away from them. Now they're there too. I didn't like what you did at home and I don't know why you suggest that during the meeting. And they're just going to be all petty. That dude, that's a blessing. Anyway, he says I have no luck on dating apps and feel like trash when using it because, you know, hundreds of girls looked at you and were like, hell nah, let me date that fuck boy who will trash me for other girls. That's fine. So what, you're not a dating App guy. Who gives a fuck? That's like a fucking STD incubator.

[Paul Virzi]

You don't want to be there.

[Bill Burr]

Haven't touched a lady in two years. Now I see some of the ugliest, dumbest jobless fucks have girlfriends and get laid and I just don't understand, all right, dude, don't compare yourself. Stop counting how many fucking times you got laid. And don't. This is just like trying to make it in stand up comedy. You're going like, you know, I fucking killed four times and this other guy got a fucking deal. Don't do that. Dude, you got to focus inward. You got a ton to offer, all right? What it is, is you got to turn the pilot light back on. You got to start bringing the vibes. Bring the vibes. You can't get bitter. You get.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

Nothing dries up a pussy like a bitter guy hating on other guys that.

[Paul Virzi]

Are getting some ass.

[Bill Burr]

You can't do that, all right? So stop doing that. If I could see better or had a better face, I would be drowning in pussy. Dude, Ray Charles was drowning in pussy. That guy couldn't see a fucking thing. Stevie Wonder if he wasn't such a class act. If that fucking guy ever talked about all the pussy he got. Come on, man. Anyways, he said, I've had. I've heard all the bullshit advice of like, your time will come. The right woman won't mind your health issues. I don't know who the fuck's giving you won't mind your health issues. That must have made you feel like shit. Hey, they won't mind that you're a little fucked up. Guess what? Everybody's a little fucked up. Even if they can see or lower your standards. That's all bad advice. I feel like time is running out and that I will drop dead. See what I did there without having, ah, a little shout out to my special. Thank you. Look at you, got a sense of humor too. Without having lived, loved, or left behind something behind. I also can't lower my standards, as I should still deserve a decent woman. Parentheses, not fat. Exactly. Because I have so many qualities and I am not just a guy who can't see well. Exactly. See? So underneath all of this grief that you're going through is that confident guy. You just got to get back to that guy. All right, Dude, a lot of the shit you're going through right now, I'm going through, it's just not in the woman department. It's in the self esteem. I have horribly low self Esteem. I've had that my entire life. Hence what the I do for a living, my need to do it. And I was always like that, you know, wallflower. I never talked to anybody. I didn't bring any vibe. And I just thought that I. I'm anti social. I like being by myself. I fucking hate people. I hate parties. I hate this. I hate that. It wasn't any of that. What it really was is I hated what happened to me that made me be this person that I really wasn't. So, I don't know. You know, barring any childhood trauma, I think this health issue has stolen your vibe and your. Your joyful life and living, and you gotta. You gotta tap back into that, all right? And you gotta be. You have to be looking at everything that you have to offer is way beyond most of the people out there, okay? And the great thing about women is they are way more forgiving than men, all right? And they have. And they operate on vibes, emotions, and the person, okay? So that's what you need to be. That is that none of that is affected by your eyesight, so you can turn all of that shit around. This person goes on to say, while recovering from my surgeries, I binged your special. You're the only comedian who can make me laugh and channel my anger against dumb people without being a fascist. I just discovered your podcast and would love to hear you and the lovely Nia's unfiltered perspective. Bonus if you already have a lady you can hook me up with. Dude, you're a funny guy, man. Look at this. You're throwing jokes in and everything. Are you looking forward to your new stuff? Thanks. And go fuck yourself, dude. All of that stuff can be fixed. I would go to therapy and just tell the person that, you know, you want to go in, you feel like shit about yourself, and, you know, you have a lot to offer and you want to. You want to get back to that. And I'm sure there's. There's people that have a similar situation to you. Maybe it's not blindness, it's something else. And, you know, that's. That's what I've always done. Okay? When I've gone through this business, I always, you know, and I felt horrible about myself. What I would do is look at people that had a worse situation than me and were successful. And then that's what I focused on. Like, I felt. I always felt like I started stand up a little late. I was almost 24, so what I did was I just focused on comedians. That I saw that started even later than I did and made it. So whenever I had that negative thought.

[Paul Virzi]

I was like, fuck that.

[Bill Burr]

So and so, so and so and so and so.

[Paul Virzi]

Started later than my.

[Bill Burr]

Ronnie Dangerfield retired, came back in his.

[Paul Virzi]

40S, and he made it.

[Bill Burr]

All right. I started losing my hair. Oh, fuck, I'm going to go bald.

[Paul Virzi]

What the fuck?

[Bill Burr]

But ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. I just started looking at fucking Telly Savalas and Ed Harris, they're working. Louis Gossett Jr. He's working. Fuck it. I'm going to be that. And you just keep fucking going forward. So I would just do that and really be focused on the information that.

[Paul Virzi]

Your brain is giving you and make.

[Bill Burr]

Sure that your brain is working for.

[Paul Virzi]

You and not against you. Because when your brain is working against you and your feelings are working against you, that's gonna just. It's gonna.

[Bill Burr]

It's gonna take your vibe away, and you get. You go into a slump. So you have to find. Get back to your vibe that you.

[Paul Virzi]

Had before, and you have to find the humor in life. And I'm telling you, if you.

[Bill Burr]

If women.

[Paul Virzi]

If you're around women and you have.

[Bill Burr]

A light, silly vibe and you actually listen to them, and it's not phony. You actually are listening to them.

[Paul Virzi]

Like, you would be surprised at how all of that turns around. All right, dude, you're gonna do this. I believe in you, all right? You got a lot to offer.

[Bill Burr]

Okay? That's the podcast. Everybody go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.