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Monday Morning Podcast
Cosmetic Dentistry, Blood Money, Blackouts | Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-25
00:55:14
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Bill Byrne
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning podcast for Monday, May 5, 2025. What's going on, Hawaii? How's it going? Nice to see you. Well, I can't see you, but, you know, I'm thinking about you. And isn't that all we want? Isn't that what everybody's talking about? You just want to be seen. I just want to be seen. I don't feel seen. I don't feel heard. New York. Gotta put the chain in the door. Anyway, May 5th. Happy Cinco de Mayo to Mexican people. You know, let's say a holiday, right? Liberation is something they never taught us. I never heard of Cinco de Mayo until I moved to LA. Was completely left off the books. 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. The Nina, the pint of the Santa Marina, the Maria, the. The pilgrims, they came over and evidently they had hats with buckles on them, which I don't know if that was ever proven. Like, how do they know what the they wore back then? Is that just all made up? You know, once we pass the hat down? And there was. There was no cameras. These fucking archaeologists, they just. They. They just. They just making up shit, taking shit out of their closet, and they're fucking with it. And, hey, you know, I was digging around in the dirt. Oh, yeah, you just digging around. That's what you do. You just start digging in the ground, and all of a sudden you find a fucking hat. And then he can figure out when it's from. It's kind of weird, huh? How do they do that? I get it when, like, you know, some fucking psycho corporation is digging into a fucking mountain and they find some dinosaur bones, and then they go, keep it quiet because we got to get the fucking stuff out of here, you know, so we can go sell it. And then somebody who likes Jurassic park is like, hey, man, like, we gotta let them know we found a stegosaurus. Then they're like, God damn it. These dinosaur hippies. And then they dig. I get that. But, like, as far as, like, a paleontologist, you just don't dig around, do you? Like, someone else was digging around, and then they went, whoa. That's literally. That's a direct quote. Whoa. Like, what the is this? You know, if it's human, you call the cops. If it looks like a dinosaur, you. What is 911 for a paleontologist? Do they have their own little Hotline? Is it 81 1? In your panic, you have a ax murderer coming through and you accidentally an ax murderer. I think you wanted 91 1. I need somebody to come. Sorry. I drank some NyQuil, you know, and not even because I'm sick. I just like the way it tastes. I miss doing a boozy shot at the end of night. So I'm gonna become one of those CVS drunks, you know, that fucking chugs milk of magnesia or whatever they do. It's pretty ingenious that someone can go into a drugstore and figure out how to get shit faced. I understand how you could go in there and get high on some pills or whatever they have going on with whatever. Those people are pharmacists. Like pharmacists live in that middle ground between dentist and hygienist. You know, where exactly is the pharmacist on the. In the medical world? You know, let me see if I can do this. I think the lowest level in orderly. An orderly is just a guy that pushes people around in wheelchairs and he wears the scrubs, but he has no medical background. Right? He's the guy that follows the local sports teams. He was the guy back in the day that if you needed weed, he could get it if coke. He might have to make a few phone calls. That was an orderly. Then you had the next up was a nurse, right? And then who the fuck was it after that? No, I would go orderly, hygienist, pharmacist. No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't. I would go orderly, pharmacist, hygienist, dentist. In the coaching tree of dentistry, everything from an actual dentist to an orthodontist, to those creeps that just do cosmetics dentistry, I just do cosmetic dentistry. Those guys are money grubbing cunts. Money grubbing cunts. That's all they. I mean, you can get that with a dentist. But I was in the dentistry world for a while and for five years, and I could tell you this. I worked with dentists that were cool. I worked with dentists that were okay. And then, you know, there was a couple of money grubbers, you know, that would be like, you know, they just wanted people with private insurance. They were there to get their money, you know. And I used to think like, wow, man, that's really up. Because you're working on somebody's mouth and if you're drilling teeth that don't need to be drilled or you're overcharged, there's just something up about that. You're taking away a part of this person's body, you lunatic. And I thought those guys Were bad. But then. Then I met a cosmetic dentist. It sounds like I was on a dating app. Didn't I met one? No, I had one. I thought it was just a dentist, and it wasn't. It was a cosmetic dentist. And I didn't realize. I didn't realize it for, like, two years. And I was just. And I finally, like. The dude was not interested in cavities. Like, all he wanted to do was like, Invisalign. You know, I got a couple teeth, you know, from grinding them. Being a psycho. Like. Like, he wanted to do shit to that. And I was like, no, I'm fine. He's like, oh, what do you like the rugged look? It's like, that was the last thing I was like, dude, shut the up. Then I noticed in his waiting room, he had a picture of him at, like, some steakhouse. That was a picture. And he had these giant white teeth that. I'm like, this guy looks like a game show host. I'm out of here. Now I have a dentist again. But typical me, I should have looked at the red flags. But it still took me two years to get out of there. But fortunately, I got out of there unscathed. I would always make up an excuse before he came. I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here. I got. Every time I went in there, they needed a full thing of X rays. It's like, you just got one. You just got one. You're not lighting up my head every time I come in here, you know, because you just get. You just became a member at some golf club. I'm not even saying anything that was going on. That was just the vibe. So now I just have a dentist. You know, she's cool as. What do you think about this? I think you'll be fine like that. That's what you want. All right. So then dentist, then it would go nurse and then doctor and then health insurance company. I don't know how it works. Anyway, I saw last week's MotoGP. I don't know if they had a race again this week. I think they're off this week. And I saw the one in Spain. Congratulations to Alex Marquez. His first MotoGP victory of his career. He wrote an amazing race. Mark Marquez wiped out, got back on his bike and still was able to finish, like, 12th or something like that. But I think Alex is in the points lead by one point over his brother Mark, who is the first person ever to win five sprints in a row. And Fabio Quattro had a great Race too. I don't know. It's shaping up to be a good season. I was worried that Mark was just. He. He would be right. If he didn't wipe out twice, you know, on his own accord. He. If he just finished those races, even in second or third, he would have a sizable lead. So it's actually, it's looking pretty good at this point. So anyway, what was I gonna say I did tonight? I did my first real stand up gig. I was at the Cap, the legendary Capitol Theater in Port Chester, New York, just on this side of New York, not quite Connecticut. So for those you unfamiliar with upstate New York, it's funny, they don't consider themselves upstate. That's why I like saying it. They're like, hey, you upstate? I live in Westchester. Upstate to them is Poughkeepsie, Albany, Ithaca. But I'm just wanting. If you leave New York City and you go through the Bronx, you keep going north, you keep going upstate. Tarrytown, Sleepy Hollow, Westchester, Eastchester, Port Chester, I mean, you're on the other side of New Rochelle. You're fucking upstate. I'm sorry, but they don't like that. At least in Westchester, because in Westchester they got money, you know, and when you say this dude is upstate, you know that, that, that infers a certain financial bracket and they don't want their homes to be lumped into upstate. There's fucking people I know that have to drive an hour, over an hour to get into the city, and they're trying to tell me they don't live upstate. You get in a car and you drive 70 miles an hour for an hour before you get to the city. That's fucking upstate. Anyway, so I went up there with my. My list of jokes, this Comic Drew Dunn that I've gotten to know through Instagram. And then being here in New York and seeing him down the cellar, he's fucking hilarious. He. He did a. He did 20 minutes in front of me. Fucking murdered. Fucking murdered. And then I went out there and I did my bullshit. Was able to go for like an hour and 15 minutes, which is great. I still didn't do three big bits, so I'm psyched. I feel like when Glengarry Glen Ross ends on June 28th, I will be able to seamlessly go do my overseas gigs. Anyway, you want to hear something funny? Somebody was saying, because I was doing Abu Dhabi, someone was giving me shit, saying it was blood money. And this, this is like how fucking racist people are. They go, that's blood money. And on that tour I'm going to England. They never brought up England. England isn't blood money. Oh, yeah? Well, is that English? England, Great Britain. That's just salt of the earth. People like, no blood money. No blood money. That's white money. That's clean. As fucking as white as Jesus. Who wasn't white, right? He was from the fucking Middle East. I really, like, I just cannot. I can't fucking do this with people anymore. It's. It's like. It's like sports. Literally fucking sports. Listening to New York Yankee fans defending that stupid fucking bat. The same fucking people that were backing deflate Gate. It's just like, gee, I can't. I can't fucking have this conversation with you. I can't. Why? You could fucking have. All right, well, you know that investigation was conducted by the owner of the losing team, right? And he found an equal number of under inflated balls. That's bullshit. It's just like. Okay, I get it, I get it. All right, so England is wonderful. Clean money. No guilt on that, you know? Anyway, Sammy's always got to say something about something, and then nobody's, like, talking about the real. I swear to God, if I go, if I see another if baseball again this year, Don, does that stand up to cancer? Can somebody please hold up a sign that says thank you, Monsanto instead of the name of the person? I mean, what. What the are we doing? I'm seeing this on Instagram. They're saying you put a ice cream sandwich in the microwave, it doesn't melt. All right, whatever. Any gig I do in the United States is blood. But it's all blood money. It's all blood money. And we didn't do it. They did it. But they're fucking. They're pointing at Mexicans coming over a wall and they're doing all this other shit. It's the old misdirection. Get them looking at this hand. Why this hands doing that over there? It's fucking. I don't know. Whatever. Anyway, so I went up there and I did. I did my act and it just. I'm telling you, man, it just fucking poured out of me. So it's the second time I've done an hour. So, like, I think doing this podcast helps me to stay relaxed so I don't get freaked out when I don't. Don't feel like I have anything to say. And I just, you know, some will come and then it does, and then I fucking riff on that and it's fine. But, like, believe me, the hour needs a lot of Work. That's what I was saying in a couple of these things. I was, like, building up scenarios. Oh, dude, I gotta tell you a couple things I saw at the coffee shop, right? I'm sitting outside, and there's this guy in scrubs and looks like Charles Manson, right? Full, just beautiful. Full head of hair, gray, a little bit of black in it. He's got the beard and shit. He's wearing scrubs. So he's dressed like a doctor, but he's got a head like Charles Manson. And he's not wearing any shoes. And yellow socks, like mustard yellow. And I'm sitting there going like, it's not a hospital around here. I don't. If he was a doctor, he would have fucking shoes on. Because I. You know, even with the Charles Manson head, I thought, well, all right, maybe he pleased his parents and went to medical school. But, like, on the weekends he plays in a band. Like, I didn't know. But then he wasn't wearing shoes. So I was like, the fuck is with this guy? So, you know, you're living in a city, you start to know, like, what to pay attention to in your peripheral. Like, okay, he's sitting down. He doesn't seem to be doing anything, but I'm just gonna sort of clock that guy. Like, I don't know what the country version of that is, you know, in the suburbs, you know, it's that neighbor that, like, keeps to himself. Or maybe, like, you ever see somebody that even when they smile, it's still unsettling. Like, that's the suburb version of this Charles Manson dude. And then, like, out in the sticks, I would imagine it's when you haven't seen some guy's wife for a while. And he just keeps saying, she went to go visit her mother. And, you know, he has pigs on his property. You start to put two and two together. So anyway, we're sitting out. Okay, back to the city, in the city. Uh. Oh, I'm just sort of clocking this guy. And then he gets up and he starts walking over towards me. And I'm thinking, ah, fuck. He saw me looking at him and he didn't. He walked by, and then I saw he had, like, the patient, like, they were, like, made out of paper almost. And I forget what he said to me. And then he went. He sat down on another stoop on the other side of me, and then he got up and he walked back to his other spot and said, all right, this guy's got. This guy's got some issues, right? But he doesn't seem to be like freaking out, right? So inside the coffee shop, I forgot to tell you this. I. I go in there and the second I walk in there, there's. There's this couple, a man and a woman in their 20s. And I could tell the boyfriend is pissed at his girlfriend, shaking his head. He's muttering, he's giving her looks. She's completely oblivious. I come walking in, she looks over and just smiles. Like how you're in a shop and you just, you know that dumb smile you do like, ugh, waiting in line, you know, she does that, right? So I'm looking at this dude and I'm looking at her and she's fucking clueless. This guy is muttering like he's putting on a muttering clinic. And he's fucking side ironer like you cannot fucking believe. And she is just like this bubbly whatever, right? She gets a coffee, he gets his thing, she takes a picture of her coffee and then she does a quick little film around of the coffee shop. Because this is what young people have to do. They have to take a picture of everything they ate or drank and then show where they went. Because everybody just has to see how fucking quaint and awesome their life is. Which might be why this guy is so fucking upset. But all I know is she smiled and walked down and he was still muttering. She was like literally having a great day while the person she's dating is fucking livid at. It was fucking amazing. And I don't know, I just like texted, I can't because I don't get this person in trouble. I tested a friend of mine what I had seen and I go. And she was completely oblivious. And I go. And it wasn't because she's dumb, it's because she doesn't give a. So my buddy writes back. Oh, yeah. He goes, they don't. They're selfish. It's ridiculous. He goes, he's going to marry her, have kids with her and live near her family. And I died laughing because it was like this. How do you say that word? Specificity of it, how specific it was like, usually people stop with, you know, he's going to marry him, have kids and he's going to marry, have kids and live near a family. Jesus Christ. I was really like laugh. Because I was trying to think of a scenario where a man, you know, your girlfriend's mad at you when you're completely not aware of it. That happens only if they are doing this thing where, like, I'm mad at him and I'm gonna See how long it takes for him to fucking back and be like, if they're playing like a game, then you know you're not gonna know because they want you to not know. Because they want to be even madder than you. They just, they just, they, Gary, they just need, they need one. They just need, they just need a fight. You know what I mean? Like, and what they're really doing is they're just dragging you into their cycle. You know, it's just like, I'm hormonally crazy. Three out of four weeks because that's how God made me. So I'm not going. I'm taking you down with the rats. You know, why can't you just take that? Take that for the team. Because no matter how bad your cycle is and how much you have to deal with that, I die before you. Nothing trumps that. Can imagine saying that on some woman show. They would figure out a way where their cycle was worth than living a shorter life. Do you know what I said to my wife? Oh, I've said. I have said so much stupid shit to my wife. One time, she was, I mean, I was being a dick on purpose. She was like, oh my God, you know, my period started a. I'm fucking, you know, it's really bad, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just, I was like, nia, you know, you get it every month. Like, when are you gonna get used to it? I mean, my fucking back goes out like, you know, a couple times a year. It's talking to me every day. But, you know, I. You don't have to hear about it. That's what I said. It was the beginning of the football season and I was like, nia, you got your period, you're not playing in the NFL. Did she just, she just looked at me and laughed and said, what the did you just say to me? I was like, I'm just kidding. I love you. I'm just around. And then she just died laughing. There is an art form to that, by the way. Saying something so stupid and ridiculously rude that they can't even get mad. They have to laugh because it's just so out of bounds. But I do have to say, if you fuck that up, oh, it's almost not worth doing it. But if it's really funny, you kind of have to do it. I'm not saying I do it every time. Listen, I'm not even. I probably have the same average as the. Is like an NBA three point shooter, which I guess at this point is everybody. And what do they have. If you shoot like 35%. That's what's so funny about these stupid fucking three pointers everybody's taking. If you shoot 35%, they're ecstatic or something like that. It's like you realize a layup, there's nobody underneath. There's literally nobody underneath. If you just go in and lay it up, A three pointer is only one more point than that. And the odds of a layup going in are a lot higher than a three pointer. And the odds of going in and drawing a foul are way higher than when you're behind the arc. I don't understand why the athletes let the nerds run the game. Now, having said that, I watched the end of that Knicks game where they closed out the Pistons. I don't understand how anybody has the stomach to sit through a NBA game. The amount of back and forth I remember seeing that, like, it was like eight minutes left. I'm like, you know, the Knicks got it, which is why the Pistons are going to come back. They was like stuck at 103 or 105 points for like a half an hour, which was like three minutes of game time in the NBA. But they ended up. They ended up closing them out. So. Which is great because I didn't want to have to listen to these fucking Nick fans whining again this year after all this. They. Every year they'll just level of that. They talk, hey, musicians, stop writing songs about New York, all right? These people's egos are way out of control. Just like that's one of the most fascinating things in sports. Overly confident Nick fans talking. Nick fans. They haven't won in 52 years. Out after Glengarry the other night, right? Signing up the bulletins, whatever the you call them, the press releases. Why can't I ever. Programs, Flyers. What? The programs. Doesn't sound right, but it does. Playbill. Signing the playbills. And some Nick fan said something about the Celtics, and I literally just up I go, what did you just say? You talking shit about the Celtics? We're the defending NBA champions. We have 18 world championships. You got two you haven't won in 52 years. Shut the up. Did you enjoy the play? Talk about that. Sit here. I don't want to fucking listen to any more confident Nick fans. You know what's funny, too, is if I don't know, I don't pay attention to it. But if they played the Celtics this year and they beat us in the playoffs, they will act like they. They've owned us. For the entire. And so will espn, because, you know, ESPN blows New York City. You know, they just drop to their knees anytime anything happens in New York. Oh, my God. Did it happen in New York? Oh, my God. Did they win something with their 58 teams in every sport? It really is one of the worst sports towns there are just for the sheer amount of teams that they have, you know, versus the amount of championships they have. Thank God for the New York Yankees. Everybody else gets graded on a curve. Giants, too. Giants are respectable. Oh, and you know what did I tell you? I finally figured out why they don't count NFL titles. They don't count it because they didn't absorb the afl. They merged with it. It was a merger. So even though it was still the NFL, they started over. Which is really weird because it really is like the NFL absorbed the afl. I feel. I don't know. The whole thing is strange to me because right now, if you have six Super Bowls, I presented this a million times. Like Pittsburgh and the Patriots. Somehow you are the Lakers and Celtics of the NFL. When the Giants and the Green Bay Pack. Green Bay packers have the most NFL titles. Giants have a. I want to say quite a few. I looked this up one time. It's really weird, but they're all just. It's just all gone. Like, the Green Bay packers were title town. That was the nickname of Green Bay, Wisconsin. And then right at the end of their run, you know, Vince Lombardi leaves. Everything's over. And I guess retroactively, they called those NFL AFL games the first and second Super Bowl. So they did get those two, but I don't know. They're 11 NFL titles. We're just like, yeah, starting a fresh slate here, fellas. Don't know what to tell you. All right, anyway, so I told you, I'm trying to, like, not go on Instagram after 6pm I am so addicted to that. I've already five times opened it and went, no and had to shut it off. So shout out to all of those nerds out there that figured out how to make it super addictive. I need to go back to reading. It's fucking nuts, man. This fucking world. Why can't shit just be legit? Why does it have to be like, you know, we'll create this thing, and we must figure out how to make them addictive. So they keep coming back and they keep clicking and they keep watching. The more they click, the more they watch, the more me make. We will fill ourselves up with gold coins or you'll roll around Naked in them. Like, why can't you just have a platform? Hey, this is what I got here it is. You like it, Cool. If not, I get it. Have a nice day. Like, what is it with nerds and sociopaths that that's not enough? We have to have everyone. We have to have all the money. We have to have 100% of the market share. And when we achieve that, we will all begin to eat ourselves from the inside as we search inside our own company for more gold coins, more ways to fire people. 10 people in that department. Now there's two. And you too will do the work of 10. I've made more money. Sorry. All right, Helix, everybody. Let's do some reads here. The helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award winning luxe and ultra premium elite collections. The Helix plus a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers. I always picture, like, the tall sleeper, like, he sleeps upright in the bed or else his legs would hang off the end. Helix kid mattresses designed for growing bodies. Endorsed by child sleep experts. Jesus Christ. So how will you know which Helix mattress works best for you and your body? Take the Helip Sleep sleep quiz and find your perfect Mattress in under 2 minutes. Your personalized mattress is shipped straight to your door free of charge. Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home and doing other things. That's why they offer 100 night trial gross and a 10 to 15 year warranty to try out your new mattress. Man, everybody is unique and everyone sleeps differently. They all bang differently too. That's why Helix has several different mattresses. Models to choose from. Such from, choose from. Jesus Christ. Each designed for specific sleep positions and field preferences. Models with memory foam layers. What is memory foam? Does that mean you just broke in the bed? You ever get in a bed after a fat person was in there and you think you're gonna go all the way down to the box spring. Models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side. Let me clarify that. Like, you get, you get a mot. You're a struggling comedian and you can just tell how many whales, how many truckers were, you know, drinking big gulps and just like, you know, like big fat people, like, sit down. Like the first, like two seconds of sitting down is sitting down and then it just becomes a free fall. Models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions. Plus, did I ever tell you that happened to Me on a flight, this fatso, I was riding a coach, so my knees were almost touching the, the seat in front of me. And this fat gets on and he starts to sit down and he just like let himself go. And it's that plastic tray slammed into my. Oh my God, did I curse that guy out. I said, oh you, you fat fuck. I. That's another one. I should have been punched him right in this fat sweaty head. But you can't do it, right? You can't do it. You can't do it. You get kicked off the flight, then what? Then what? I have bruised knees and I need to get a new flight and I'm a flight risk. Just gotta take it, you know? And then who gets a show? Who gets a show? Me and my bruised knees? No, that fat. With his 600 pound life plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. And if your spine needs some extra tlc, they got you. Every Helix mattress has a hybrid design combining individually wrapped steel coils in the base with premium foam layers on top. It's the perfect combination of comfort and support. Not sure you can take my word for it. Well, hey, man. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine. As a go to solution for improving your sleep, go to helixsleep.com brrrr for 27% off site wide plus free bedding bundle which is sheet set and mattress protector with any luxe or elite mattress order. That's helixsleep.com Brrrr how was that? How was that for a read? People like that. All right, open phone. Everyone, open phone. All right, listen up. I swear to God, that's the copy. All right, listen up. Snap to it, Drop your and grab your socks. Remember all those military things? And they would always have those guys rhyming as they were yelling at people in boot camp. Your mothers are not here to protect you anymore. Where you from, boy? Bullshit. Only queers aren't there. From there, I don't see no fucking horns. Listen, Sarge, I get it. You have a lot of homosexual urges. That's probably why you joined the military to be around all these men. But don't project it onto me. What the fuck did you take? You eat that chili donut and do some fucking. Open phone. All right, listen up. If you're running a business, you're probably jugging, juggling, juggling a million things right now. But every time you miss a Call. You're throwing money away. Serious, Think about it. Let's say you're a plumber. All right? Let's say you have a belt and your ass isn't hanging out and someone calls you, they need something and you're out there getting a coffee, taking a nap or whatever. Oh, shots fired at plumbers. And that call, straight to voicemail. Poof. Gone. Opportunity lost. They didn't leave a voicemail. That's why you need open phone. It's the phone system that actually keeps up with your business. No more missed calls, no more missed opportunities. Open phone gives you a business number that works right through an app on your phone. Simple, right? You're a smart guy. If you have employees or co workers, your whole team can share the same number to answer calls and texts, like a shared inbox. Whoever picks up, they know exactly what's going on. And with AI powered call transcripts and summaries, thank God for AI. I love it. They always act like AI is your friend. You don't have to worry about taking down messages and follow, follow up, slipping through the cracks. Over 50,000 trust businesses trust open phone. So don't be the last one to catch up. Go to openphone.com burr and get 20% off your first six months. That's open phone. Phone with the ph.com brrrr. And if you've got numbers from another service, they'll port them over at no extra charge. Open phone. No missed calls, no missed customers. All right, let's get to the reads here. Let's get to the reads. Oh, I know what I did. I made it go up to the top. And now I know why. Because that listener wrote and let me know what was up. Liam Neeson. Hey there, Liam Burr. I was listening to a throwback episode. When you looked up Liam Neeson's name, you were calling them Liam Leeson. That sounds like me. And when you saw his name was Liam, you commented, that's not his name. That's not his first name. That's what I said. I'm curious if you realized that his name is actually William and he just shortened it to Liam. I did not know that. Could be a nice rebranding for you if you ever go through with that hair transplant. Anyways, thanks for all the laughs. And go yourself. I literally think at some point they will have, like, a pill that you can take and it will send your hair follicles back to when you were a baby, when it first started growing. But the thing is, is it would only be temporary because they can't just give you the pill. And then you would be good. They would. You'd have to keep taking it. That's the thing. They want you to keep taking it. Taking it and taking it right in the fucking wallet. I would not get a hair transplant. I don't know. I've gotten better parts and. And since I've been bald. Since I've been bald, I've been getting better parts when I'm in outer space. Since I've been bald. Who sings that song? Since you've been gone, all the chicks start screaming. Since you've been gone, they all start screaming too. Like not one of them drove the guy away. You guys are all victims. We do the same thing. We used to listen to all those gangster rappers, remember? They were always talking about, you know, ain't nothing but meat on a bone. I remember even the. The younger me was like, you know, I. I think it's a little more than that. Seven foot hearts. Okay. Hey, Billy Pipsqueak. I don't think I've ever seen that word written out. Pipe. Pipsqueak. P, I, P, S, Q, E, A, K. Evidently. Just one word, Billy Pipsqueak. I feel like if I. If I was a janitor and I really was good at mopping floors, they'd call me Billy Pipsqueak, you know? Oh, nothing. When you could tell when he mopped that floor the way you would squeak under your sneakers. All right, Longtime listener, first time writer. Been a major fan of yours ever since your Chappelle show days. Parentheses. Then his wife threw her titties in my hand. It was weird, your honor. Oh, my God. I remember saying that a long time ago and following you ever since. I've been waiting to write in for ages, but never had a good reason until now. Last week you talked about seven foot people having hearts that are too small. I didn't say they were too small. He said they were the same size as a regular person. And being seven foot one myself, I was finally compelled to write in. I've been abnormally tall and thin my whole life. And at a young age, I was tested for Marfan syndrome. I don't know what that is. Is that giant we just keep growing and have an active pituitary gland. Both coming up negative. My mom is 6 foot 1 and my dad's 6 7, so doctors labeled me a healthy giant, meaning I am tall only because of the genetics, not some condition or abnormality. But to address what you brought up last week, taller people actually have proportionally sized hearts and organs. Compared to you normies. Lol. Oh, well, that's what I get for repeating something I heard. We also have denser bones to carry our larger frames. When you hear about basketball players who drop dead. Great special, by the way, on the court. It's actually because the heart is a muscle, and with a lot of strenuous exercise, it grows larger like any other muscle and then becomes too big for even the taller person. Jesus Christ. All right, so then that's something else to write. Sorry for the long email, but I'm such a fan and I hope this makes it on the podcast. Much love from Wisconsin. Come to Madison too, not just Milwaukee. All right, fair point. Much love and respect. Go finagle yourself. All right. Did not know that. All right, well, you're seven foot one, so I'm going to take your word for it. I think you probably did a more in depth study of that. Especially when somebody fucking just under 510 tells you you're going to die soon. With no medical background. I mean, that's what we do here on podcasts. We have no medical background and we give people medical advice. All right. Bacon's Rebellion. Hey there, Billy Burgundy ball bag. I like that. Burgundy. Burgundy is a. It's sort of an aristocratic red, I would say. I know you're a bit of a history buff, so I was wondering if you ever heard about Bacon's rebellion in Virginia in 1676. I have not assuming Bacon is the last name of somebody, it's a confirmation of what you've been saying for years. In a nutshell, Nathaniel Bacon led an uprising against the British colonial leaders in Virginia. What's interesting, Bacon's movements included poor whites, indentured servants, African slaves, and some free black men. Look at this hero. When the British eventually square watch the rebellion, the big lesson for the ruling class was that they could never let white and black people from the underclass to join forces. So they implemented a new law to keep them apart and see each other as the enemy so they could never unite and fight the power. Yeah, this is what. This is what they're doing right now. The way they're demonizing, you know, Mexicans and Chinese people and all of this, and so they can keep the focus off these fucking billionaires. Okay? Immigrants didn't turn our food supply into poison. They don't dictate our foreign policy. They didn't make our factories move to their country. The rich cunts that owned the factories went there and exploited them and paid him sweatshop labor wages. You know, they paid Him a fair wage, they wouldn't be jumping over the fucking wall anyway. When I read about this a people's history United States author is Zinn, I immediately thought of you. Yeah, I've read that book a long time ago. Keep crushing it on Broadway, my best Tania and your family and go fuck yourself. So wait a minute, are you saying that that that's in that book? I probably. If it is and I forgot, you know, I read it, I feel like a hundred years ago I remember this comedy club owner telling me that that book was bullshit. And it's like, well, you know what? I expect you to have that fucking reaction considering you've been paying comedians the same amount of money for 25 years, but everything else has gone up, including your ticket prices. You can't. All right. Blackout in Spain and Portugal. Hey, Billy Green shirt, a big fan from Bulgaria here. At the beginning of the episode of the MMP from April 28, you mentioned that you don't watch the news, so this might be interesting to you. I live in Madrid, Spain, and yesterday we, Spain and Portugal experienced a total blackout around 30 minutes after noon Spanish time. All of a sudden we were out of power. Internet and mobile service and it lasted almost 11 hours. Pretty much nothing was working, including ATMs and traffic lights. We had no idea what was happening. And the only way to hear the news was on the radio in your car or if he had one of those portable radios that run on batteries, which most people don't have nowadays. Cell phones used to have radio receivers about 10 years ago, but most of today's phones don't. Today everything is back to normal. But portable radios, external batteries, power banks and portable solar panels all of a sudden cost 40% more than they than two days ago. I'm planning to wait a couple of months until the prices go back down, back to normal before buying stuff like that. So next time I'll be more prepared. Do you feel prepared if something like that happened in your city? Thanks for the podcast. I wish you all the best and go yourself. Well, how do I know you don't work for the solar company? I'm not prepared for anything. I'm prepared for a show in that I'm going to be running around with my head on fire and someone will merciful know, take me out. I imagine I don't. I don't want to. I would like to live in society and when society folds, I'm more than okay with like being like, all right, okay, well, you know, you guys have fun, you know, dressing in fur pelts and whatever the it is you're going to do as you try to reboot this. I'm. I'm not doing it. I'm good. Is my cable out? All right, I'm out too. I'm going to hang myself with the cable. Old Billy Cyanide pill. Old drunk neighbor Dear billy bald nuts. 19 and 21 year old brothers writing in here to get advice about what to do with our next door neighbor. For context, he's a 69 year old drunk who's been an issue since before we were born. He never leaves his house and hasn't been off our street in probably 10 years. How do people like that fucking pay their rent? It's amazing to me. He often verbally attacks the women in the street on our street, including our younger sister and mom, but would never say anything to the men. For example, our mom and sister were talking and laughing inside our house with the door open in the middle of the afternoon and he screamed over the fence to shut the fuck up. Up. He slashed people's tires and poured coke on our car. He went and keyed our friend's car after a little snow got brushed onto his sidewalk. He goes, here's the problem. Here's the problem. That all sounded like a problem. Here's the problem. His wife is a lovely, respectful lady who's very apologetic. Oh, the person that's enabling him. And we have no clue why she hasn't left him yet. He is often at his worst when she is gone on business for a few days at a time and he sits at home hammered. He is insanely meticulous about the placement of his garbage bins and everyone else's on the street and will often walk up and down rearranging them. Now this poor guy has gone through a lot of. Is he a veteran? Something going on with this guy guy. So some of the things we have started doing to mess with his head are moving his bins around in the middle of the night. Don't do that to this guy. Dude. Putting a pylon in the middle of his walkway and putting a hairspray X on his tree so he thinks the city is coming to chop it down. Oh God. We would love any advice you have about what to what to do about him without harming his wife. Some ideas we have are cutting his cable line during baseball playoffs and writing him love letters. We recently found out when his birthday is, so maybe something around that. Ideally we want to confront him face to face. But the chances of him leaving the house are very low. Thanks for any ideas you can come up with. Love the pod. And put a little more effort into the ZipRecruiter ads. They are the best part. I just figured you guys were sick of that joke. The Bruins, even though our Leafs have probably already blown it by the time you're reading this. You shouldn't torture this guy. This guy's already tortured. He's got something going on. That's something really bad happened to him a long time ago. Or he has a disease of alcoholism and he's drank so much that it's affected his brain. I know that you have to, like, deal with it. You can't call the cops. Is there any way to approach his wife to try to get the guy some sort of help? I don't. I don't want you to like, you know, cut his cable while during the playoffs is probably all the guy has. He's already ruined his life. Isn't that enough? God bless that woman that's staying with them. But like, you guys shouldn't have to suffer like, your, Your sister and your mother should not be getting yelled at by this guy. I would say, though, if you're ever around and they yells at your sister or your mother, I would go over there and I would nose to nose tell that guy, under no circumstances he's ever doing that again or you're gonna beat. You're gonna beat the. Out of him. I mean, that I would deal with. But all this other. Him rearranging the barrels and doing stuff like that, I wouldn't with him on that. But him yelling at your sister and your mother, that's. I don't give a. What his problem is. That has to be dealt with. So I would. I don't know what his deal. Can you scare. Can you intimidate the guy? Because I. I had. I had a neighbor like this one time downstairs and used to yell at Nia when I was on the road. And, you know, he had some sort of cognitive issue. And Nia kept telling me to go down and talk to the guys. Like, I don't want to talk to that guy. He's a thousand fucking years old. It's. It's not gonna. It's not gonna go well. So he yelled at her and she's like, you need to go down there and talk to the guy, guy. All right. So I go down there and he was like. He was afraid when I got there, and then I'm like, oh, my God, he's gonna have a heart attack. So I made sure you know, I was at least 25, 30 weight feet. I said, listen, you're yelling. Neil was my girlfriend at the time. Yelling at my girlfriend, it's not cool. And he was screaming shave stomps all over that fire and all this. And I'm like, buddy, I'll tell her to, you know, not walk across the floor in her shoes. We with the shoes. We have wood floors, but you can't be yelling at it or whatever. And then he just started attacking me. He goes, you make noise too. And I was just learning how to play guitar. And he goes, how's your band? And he started laughing at me. And this is what pisses me off, is my wife was on the porch listening, and she laughed at that. Like, was on, like his. Just unreal. And then, I don't know. He never yelled at her again after that because I went. And actually, because I don't know if you really confronted him, but, like, I don't know. I just remember I went upstairs and she was laughing that he said that, going, oh, my God, he, like, fucking trashed you. And I was like, yeah. I mean, he got me with the great One. And now I feel self conscious about playing guitar. And I also feel bad because he was shaking and he was clearly afraid of me. And I don't like going around scaring old people. I told you I didn't want to go down there. It wasn't going to go well. Oh, God. Now you got me reliving this. I don't know what. I don't know. I don't know how old this guy is, but he might scare easy if you just have like a confrontation with them. I. It seems like you guys haven't done that yet and you're just sort of with them. But I. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do anything, like, to mind this guy to make him any more tortured than he already is. I would. Like I said, if he's yelling at your sister or your mother, you know, even if you're not there, they tell you that later. You got to go over there and knock on the door and just say, listen, you want to drink yourself to death, that's fine. But you are not yelling at my sister or my mother. You understand me? Okay. And a lot of those guys, you know, most people are fucking pussies when it comes to that shit. They get. They think there's a beaten coming, they're gonna. They're gonna steer clear of it. You might have to reset them a few times. That's the most I would do. But you gotta understand, if you go over there, if that guy has a fucking heart attack, if anything fucking happens, you're gonna be. I mean, I don't know how it works in Canada, but you're gonna be live. Like it's not gonna be a good fucking thing. I don't know. Can you call the cops? Can you have one of your mounted police come over there with the maple syrup riding in on a horse. Send a mountie over there. Oh, hey, yeah, those two hosers over there. I know, I know you guys don't talk like that. What was that movie? That was such a great movie. When I first got cable. I've totally spaced on the name of that movie. He was in the crease. He was in the crease. When I end this podcast, it's me. They're gonna pop in my head, what the was the name of that movie? That was when I first got cable. I saw that. I saw Kentucky Fried Movie, all these crazy movies that they used to show on hbo, the movie channel, Cinemax. There was something else, I think before Showtime. I don't remember. All right, anyways, that is the podcast, and I feel. I don't know. I. I hope I gave you decent advice. I don't want to escalate that situation or whatever. Anyway, that is the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.