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Monday Morning Podcast
Criterion Collection, His New Car, Television | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-11-25
02:21:50
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Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on ya. Just checking to see. Just checking in to see. How you doing? Oh, my God. I've been driving my wife nuts, but making her fucking laugh. I went to the Emmy, the Creative Arts Emmys, and for some reason, I don't know when they're showing. I think they're showing them this weekend. I just started doing this impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger presenting. And it was like. And now, ladies and gentlemen, here are the nominees for best action movie or variety special. And I was just doing these stupid things and I was just, I just kept. I kept naming old school performers as the winners and I just kept getting more and more obscure and it just became me yelling famous people from the eighties names in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice. And I don't know why. It was so stupid and so silly. She's my favorite person in the world to make laugh. She was. I don't know, maybe it had to be there. But for two days I was just walking around going like. And the winner and the Emmy goes to John Denver and Miss Piggy, her favorite one was. And the Emmy goes to Max Headroom and Cyndi Lauper for I am unusual too. I was doing. It was one of the most fun things. It was cathartic to just be screaming these famous people's names as Arnold Schwarzenegger and then just remembering Todd Bridges and Mary Lou Ratted. Just all these people that I grew up with. Anyway, that's what I've been doing for like the last couple of days. As I mentioned, maybe I didn't mention I played some drums today. I've been working on my 16th notes with one hand. That James Gadson, Jeff Picaro thing. I took a lesson with my buddy Dave Elitch, who has a whole new drum program that he's gonna be coming on the podcast. Spoiler alert. To promote. Very happy for him. He gave me a lesson on that. And today some of the stuff that he was showing me started getting into the muscle memory, you know, and feel like a couple of seconds you're doing it and then you're like, oh, my God, I'm doing it. And then all of a sudden you just, you blow it after that. So very excited about that. And I've also been going to my kids. My kids are playing sports now, and I am just like the happiest father ever. And I, and I, I made, I made the rookie dad going to a sporting event. Mistakes. I sat in those bleachers, you know, with the aluminum benches like they had back in the day at Sullivan Stadium. And, like, I'm just too old to sit on those. I felt that for, like, three days. So I brought. I have, like, a folding chair. So I brought the folding chair. I had my little thermos of water. And I'm just sitting there watching them practice and everything. And, like, you know, and I've just made my decision. I go, I am not going to be that dad, okay? I didn't have some unfulfilled Olympic dream that my kid now has to, like, fulfill. I'm just, like, rooting for everybody. I just want everybody to have a good time. And the end of practice. Hey, great practice, coach, or whatever. Thanks a lot. And then I come home and whatever drills they were working on, you know, we kind of do them in the backyard, just messing around, having a good time. And it's been. It's been great. I haven't missed a practice yet, and unfortunately, I'm home. I've been doing some sporadic road gigs out here. Nothing but positive shit this week, everybody. All right, I know this was a tough week, so let's just go positive here. I did a Thousand Oaks last night in a beautiful theater out there that I didn't even know existed. Went out there, and it was just such a fucking great crowd. Right out of the gate, I was just making fun of them, you know, it was just a weird part of la. Like, we pulled onto the street and there was, like, a Ferrari dealership. And then, like, right across the street is, like, fucking houses that look like they're falling down and people are really struggling. And it's just like, you know, I was just sort of riffing on, like, that's what America's becoming. It's just becoming like, you know, One guy has 12 Ferraris, and then somebody across the street is, like, eating, like, fucking a hand sandwich, as they used to say back in the day, Right? Hopefully, that gap will shrink, it'll come back again. And the middle class is the greatest thing. The greatest fucking thing ever about. About the United States is the middle. The middle class is the greatest. It's the best fucking. It's the best place to be. The best place to be. You know, my voice is cracking. I'm so. I'm so emotional about it. Being middle class, where you. You have a job and you have benefits and you can pay your fucking rent and you can make your fucking mortgage with. Why people Want to take that away. Like, that's the people at top. Want to stay in power. That's. You fucking take care of the goddamn middle class. It's the greatest. Middle class is the fucking best. Monday through Friday, second five o', clock, Friday. I don't have to think about this fucking job until Monday. That's for the rich guy. That's his fucking problem. And you go out, yeah, you have a good time. You got yourself a little boat, you know, whatever, whatever you do, you got a motorcycle, you know, I mean, you. You get yourself a fucking whatever, whatever. Whatever the hell it is that you wanted to do. Hopefully someone will bring that back. So anyway, I did my show last night and got a ton of material right now, but it's like I gotta, like, sort of hone it or whatever. So thank you to everybody out there that sat through that shit. But, you know, it was really just like. It was. I can't explain it, man. Like, the crowd was just. It was perfect. And just the jokes that I was talking about just really fit in, I think, because it was sort of. Everybody was there and, you know, I was making fun of the Amazon guy, actually defending him, how much I'm worried about him and his new marriage. You know, that's sort of the angle I was taking. And the guy lives on the other side of the Santa Monica Mountains, I think, out in Malibu. So I was just thinking, like, you know, there might be somebody in this crowd that actually knows this guy, which, you know, added to the fun. And I got to tell you something. Bianca and Dean Del Rey murdered. Dean Del Rey went up with like, a bunch of new material. It's one of the hardest I've ever seen him kill. And. And then Bianca came out with all of this new stuff. She had a big event. I don't want to take away from anything that she's doing, but she had a big event happen in her life, which I'm very happy for her. And she was talking about that and was absolutely hilarious. And. And then one of my buddies from Glengarry Glen Ross, John Piricello, he came out. We got to chop it up, you know, saw a bunch of friends. It was sort of the. It was perfect. It was a beautiful theater, amazing crowd. And then I. I had a, you know, good enough set with what I was doing, and then I went home and slept in my own bed. How do you. How do you beat that? I'll tell you, I beat that. I watched two in incredible movies this week. When I started to watch last week, I was telling you guys about Medium Cool. I saw that one and then. Which I really think a lot of it. They. Gorilla shot around the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. It's one of like. It. It's. It's Robert Forster. I've just been going down a rabbit hole watching his movies. And then I saw this movie, the Parallax View, on Criterion Channel. If you're not on the Criterion Channel, it's like Cinemax for smart people. There's still a lot of nudity, but it's done in a very tasteful way. The Parallax View might be my favorite Warren Beatty movie. And it's 10 years. It's like made in 73, came out in 74. So it's basically 10 years after the Kennedy assassination and the Warren Commission. And it sort of shows where a lot of people's heads were at that. Like, this is like these corporations are getting out of control and they. They might be behind this stuff and all that super paranoid kind of thriller thing and incredible cars and just like. And then beautiful cinematography and all that. You know, old Billy's becoming like a little cinephile here. I'm reading books now. I'm off social media. I finally just decided. I don't know what it was. I was just like, this shit is just. It's not good for people. I want to get along with people. I would like to bring people together. I don't want to be angry and I don't want to be under the control of nerds. And the fact that nerds have bots on social media designed to enrage their own countrymen is. It's just like. For the. So what? So you can. You can get more people on it. So you can have a bigger fucking yacht. You're going to. You're going to basically be taking a bat to the knees of your own fucking country is insane to me. So I don't want to do that, man. I want to. I to want. I do not want to divide people. I don't want to get divided. We got to come together here. The most dangerous message, public message you could have, is we should all come together and find common ground. That is the last thing. Billionaire cunts with yachts who profit off of the misery of others. They just. Anytime anybody wants to bring people together, they figure out a way, I don't know, to tar and feather the person. But anyway, let's. Let's stay out of the darkness of that. I finally saw that Ravens Bills game. Jesus Christ, what a goddamn game. I Mean, I'm still, you know, old school. I like to see defense, but I really like both of those teams. And then I was joking, you know, I was joking with the buddy of mine that, you know, they. People say I look like the coach and I look like the punter, and now they're both on the same team and they're called the Bills. I have to get during the football season. I gotta go there, you know, and do a gig and maybe get a picture of all three of us so people can realize that we. We're not all the same person. It's disturbing how much we all look at like each other. Anyways. It's like the Brady Bunch of Bills. Here's the story, right? And I'm the oldest, so I'm Greg. And then Sean is Peter. And then the punter. I. I don't know. I. I got two kids under 10 minutes. I might not go with the names anymore. The punter is. Is Bobby Brady. I'm psyched for that game tonight. Commanders versus the Packers. Really like both of those franchises. And I'm psyched that the Commanders are good again. Oh, my God. Their fans. Their fans went through it over the last 30 years. There was like, there was some dark, dark, dark, dark, dark seasons over there for long, long, long periods of time. So it's great to see them back. I'm excited. I like that. Bill's jets game this week, I think is going to be a fun one. You know, I'm an AFC guy, and I like that Chargers Raiders game on Monday night. That should be another fun one. And I got all the free time in the world to watch all of this. So very excited. And I've been getting unbelievable, unbelievable quality time in with my kids. And I'm getting along great with my wife, so what the fuck do I care? Life is good. You know what I mean? I have no complaints. It was funny. My. My Nia was being so, like, nice to me last night, and it was the funniest shit ever. I just said to her, I go. I just looked at her. I go. I go, why are you being so nice to me? And she laughs. She goes, why are you being so nice to me? I go, because I love you. She's like, well, I love you, too. I'm like, all right. She's like, fine. Being in a relationship, I just really realized it's so fucking like. It's so insane because it's like you go into it and you fall head over heels in love. And so in that moment, all of your Sadness goes away and then you put this unexpected expectation on the other person that you're going to feel like this with them all the time and that they're going to make you happy. And it took me forever to realize that other people literally cannot make you happy if you, if you're bringing all of this baggage to the party. So it's like, it's almost like it's the emotional version of consumerism where it's just like, you know, I'm going to buy that car or I'm going to, you know, get this jacket or whatever. I'm going to get the NFL package and then I'm going to be, oh, the NFL package. I mean, it makes you pretty happy, but you know what I mean? And then you get the thing and then like a week later, you know what I mean? You still got molested. So I mean that, you know, it's just a jacket or you still battling alcoholism, you know, but, you know, I got these sneakers. It just doesn't work for you. So I don't know. But I will tell you, this car that I bought, I'll just tell you. I bought an old BMW. It's a six speed and I. It's the most fun car I've ever driven. I've already taken it to the mechanic twice to get everything all dialed in. And like, and I don't give a. I don't give a. There's a. There's an old car in my neighborhood. There's a bunch of them and there's some like, I get like excited when I see like, if they're clean or whatever. I, I saw somebody in my neighborhood has this really, like, unique, like 1950s. I don't know if it's a Chrysler or a Dodge or whatever, but all of us, they always have it sitting on the side of the road. And the other day I drove by and I saw whoever owned it, got a car cover for it and I got so fucking excited. You know, there's somebody, you know, up near where I, where I fly in their side yard, they have one of those, like 1961-66 Lincoln Continentals with the suicide doors, like the one from Entourage. And it has just been sitting there for years and it makes me sick to my stomach. Like, oh my. At least throw a tarp on it. You know what I mean? Just go out there every once in a while and just make sure there's not a bunch of mice and rats just building a nest in there. They something, do something to it. I don't Know why I give a fuck about old shit like that? But. But I do. So anyway, coming up this weekend, I don't have. I don't have shit to do. I don't have any shows, but I'm definitely gonna try to go out and get on stage. I got really excited about that. That show that I have had last night. And. And I. I feel like, you know, with all this crazy stuff that's going on that I. I really feel laser focused. That my job is really just to go out, make people laugh, and make them forget about whatever the. Is going on. Because God knows how do you. I don't know. I don't know. The boiling water. I don't know how you bring it down to a simmer. But anyway, what else? What else? Yeah, that's it. That's it. That's all I got. This is why my podcasts have been a little short lately, is because I'm fucking happy. You know, I discovered the StairMaster. My body's like, what the fuck is this? So I've been like, dropping weight because I can't get on the elliptical now because we're down to just like two of them. So this has been. You want to. The old Billy Freckles. You want to hear the old dad. The old fucking dad workout that I've been doing. I do an entire body workout twice a week. I do my entire. And the. And the Emmy award and the Grammy Award goes to Marvin Gaye. What's going on? What's going on? You're not from Austria. No. They got too dark after a while. I was doing. Oh, the Liberace one. And the Emmy goes to Liberace. Far out.
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Paul Versi
Way out.
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Bill Burr
Keep on Trucking. Jive Turkey special, which was an inside joke because what they used to try to do with those old school performers was they would try to, like, attach them to some, you know, here come the judge. Some cool thing that the young kids were saying. But they still had this old act. Like, there is a Liberace special. Like that Paul Lind Hollywood special. He really had kiss on it. And then there was a Liberace special where he was singing like the Doors, but doing it, like dress like Liberace. But then they also gave him like a turtleneck, I think, and he had like. Like a. Like a medallion. Like a peace medallion on it. It was just fucking. It was so. It was. You could basic. Basically, people that were running television had aged out while the whole. The dawning of the Age of Aquaria, all that fucking hippie shit had Come in and they were kind of caught flat footed and they didn't know what to do. So they were just sort of trying to pick up some of the jargon and they were throwing it at these fucking 60 year old entertainers. It was, it was amazing. It was a lot of that. There's like footage of like Buddy Rich. He had a turtleneck on with like the fucking chain on the outside with the medallion. It was just that whole thing. All of a sudden jazz, big band, swing rock was not a fad. It had taken over and now all of a sudden these rock stars were way more famous. So they were trying to be like, sort of like, I don't know, cool, like they were. It was just a really. And that's also when media was really young, so they didn't know what to do. Like, how do you handle when it changes? There wasn't an AC DC out there to show you that. Now you just keep doing what you're doing and working at a high level and you will continue to work and you will grow old with your crowd and then also you'll have new people coming in. I will say something about having seen Oasis is I've been singing their songs. I can't get them out of my head. I saw them Saturday night, it's now Thursday and I still woke up this morning. So Sally can wait. I mean to be at the Rose bowl and hear a hundred thousand people or whatever, whatever they had there singing along like that. It was really, it's really psyched that I went to that I missed out on a lot trying to make it as a comedian with all of these bands. And it's kind of funny that now I'm. I'm seeing them all these years later where like I could have seen Oasis on their first tour but when they came to town I was, you know, I wasn't even working a funny bone. Like where was I in my career then? I was doing like this guy Roger Paul, who I'll forever be indebted to. He was one of the first guys that headlined me in the Tri State area. So I was probably. When they came through New York on that first album, 95 96. Is that when it was? I was probably doing, you know, he had some gig up in Vermont that I used to do. You drive? Oh my God, I fucking hated the 87 North. Oh my God, I hated that highway because it always seemed like it was a fucking eight hour drive. I would go all the way up there. This guy Mike, I'm spacing on his last name used to book me at the Lake Ontario Playhouse. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, the first time I did that, I took a bus up there. I mean, I can't even remember how long that took. Or did I take a bus to like where the. And I, I, I think I met the headliner and then we drove up together and then he dropped me off at the bus station on the way back. Oh my God. Like not Poughkeepsie, Ithaca or some, I can't even remember way back in the day. And I used to go up that goddamn Highway 1 and like 1 of my first goals as a comedian was like, I'm going to make enough money where I can rent a car and not have to take a bus. Wow, dude, that, that is a, that is a really. I remember the jacket I was wearing when I did that. Those are burned in my brain, those memories. But anyway, let's do the the reads here for the week. What do we got here? Oh, Squarespace Just one Read Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain and showcase your offerings with a professional website. Grow your brand and get paid all in one one place. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. I think I just said that, but they wrote it again. From consultations to events and experiences, showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. 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When you're ready to launch, use offer code burr B U R r to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain that squarespace.com Brrrr. That's where you want to go for your free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code burr burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. All right, I got to talk about something in that Bills Ravens game. I hope Lamar Jackson isn't going to get any sort of fine for pushing that person back in the crowd. Like, you know, there's no other place in the world where some regular person would walk up to two professional athletes or two people just say they're not professional, two guys that fucking size you in a bar, that fucking tall and smack both of them on top of the fucking head. And I just don't buy into the thing that professional athletes, you know, are held to this standard, that they're not supposed to retaliate when something like that happens. I feel like them not hitting people back, this might be nuts in the stands, is what creates more of that fucking behavior. I feel like if you want respect, you act respectful. If you smack somebody on top of the head, they smack you back on top of the head. But that's not how the world works, is it? That's not how the world works. How the world works is that people can fucking do and say whatever they want to you, and then if you hit them back, all of a sudden, they get a big payday or you get in trouble, you get arrested. I don't know. It's a fucking weird world when it comes to that shit. So anyway, I would hope that they would go a little Dana White on that, you know, where, you know, Dana White kind of like sticks up for whatever he's doing. I like how he does that. I wish more of these mainstream sports. I can't say UFC is not mainstream. They fucking. They're global at this point, right? But, like, you know, at some point, you know, the NFL, okay, if something to stand hits a professional athlete and they hit him back, like, I feel like the people that run the league also need to talk to the fans, you know, like, hey, don't hit our athletes, okay? You don't want to get hit, don't hit people. Having said that, athletes, when fucking jerk offs do this, let us handle it. We'll kick them out of the stadium, all right? But fans, just because you buy a ticket doesn't mean that you can go there and say Whatever you want. Throw shit, spit and hit people. You know, grow the, you know, fucking act like a person. That's so goddamn hard.
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Andrew Thelis
Well, is it?
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Bill Burr
Anyway. All right, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I'm so psyched that football season has started. I'm still watching my Red Sox. They're just closing out with the Oakland A's that are playing in Sacramento at a minor league ballpark. And I got to give a shout out to Oakland Bay area sports fans. I mean, they've literally lost everything. The Golden State warriors, you know, they, they, they, they, they play in San Francisco now. The Raiders have gone to Vegas. The A's have left. The California Golden Seals, they were the Oakland Seals at one point. They moved to Cleveland, became the Barons, and I think they maybe got absorbed by the Minnesota North Stars, which is now the Dallas Stars, I can't remember. But, like, Oakland's one of my favorite cities. Great fucking people, great food scene, great theaters, all of that type of stuff, you know, I don't know. And then all of these, these, these tech bros. Bought up all the San Francisco, so then the Caucasians that can't afford to be in fucking San Francisco, then they got to go into Oakland. And then the people of color get mood out and all of this fucking shit. At least they can keep their sports teams right. Nope, I don't understand it. I do understand it. I just think that it's part of this whole league's getting involved with like, sports gambling. So, I mean, when I was a kid, they, they avoided gambling, the mob, and going to Vegas like the fucking plague. And now they're, they're, they're all up in it. I mean, what are sports leagues going to do next? Get involved in loan sharking? I don't know. Anyway, it's a different world. I'm an old man. I don't understand it. What are you going to do? All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. You know, I don't know what to tell you with, you know, with everything that's going on. Just try to be a good fucking person. That's all I can say. All right? Treat each other with respect. All right, that's the podcast. And enjoy the what am I trying to say? The bonus episode of Thursday Afternoon Just before Friday Monday morning podcast pick from a Thursday in the past by the great Andrew Themless. All right, I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 11, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? How's it going? More hurricanes, more hurricanes. And this is the 17th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade center, the Pentagon and then the one that went down in Pennsylvania, you know, I mean, Jesus Christ, what is going on this week? It's just all gloom and friggin doom, you know, I was sitting there watching the news with Nia, right? And they're showing highlights of this. Was it Hurricane Irsay? Is what is it? Jim Ursay was coming into fucking Miami, right? And there's some fucking, you know, white dude out there, of course, being like, well, you know, it's not coming down real hard. They show like five white people out there. And Nia literally said to me, she goes, what is wrong with white people? I had to laugh. I was like, you know, we for the most part, we grew up in cul de sacs. There's no excitement, there's no drive bys, there's no, you know, cops beating you up for no reason. Generally speaking, you know, it's kind of, hey, knock it off over there. Straighten up. I know your father, you know, it's kind of like that. So I guess, you know, hurricane comes around, you, you need a story. Shit, you need a story. I have no idea why I came out with a hacky 80s joke though about fucking the hurricanes. It's, it's, it's. Why don't they have all the people stand where the reporters are? Because the reporters never die. They're always standing in the fucking middle of the shit. I don't know how, I don't know how these news agencies know exactly where to fucking stand, but somehow they stand just enough in the shit. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. I'm sure one of them died yet, you know, how the fuck. I mean, how the fuck, you know. Jesus, Bill, spit it out. Sorry I flew today. Once I, I'm already done. But once I fly it, just, you know, breathing that fucking pressurized air up there, I mean, it's fucking inevitable. If you stand out inside in a fucking hurricane, something's gonna fall on top of you. It's bad enough. Like, I love when they sit there and they tell these people, you need to evacuate, you gotta get out of there. It's like. And go where? To my summer home. Don't you remember the fucking banks left half this country upside down in their fucking house. It's fucking unreal. I don't understand, like where these people are supposed to go? Like, where. Where do they go? Everybody just goes north and sits in a fucking Waffle House for three, four days. All the hotels get bought up. And if you don't have money, what, What. What are you supposed to do? Anyways, at least it was knocked down to a. To a category three. Man. I read some fucking, you know, read some horrible about Houston. That's still going on now. There's all mold and there's all. You know. You don't need to listen to this. You see it all fucking day. This is all just gloom and doom. All fucking misery here. So why don't I go to something positive? I actually. Friend of the podcast, one of the great drummers of all time, Steven Adler, he sent me this thing. He's got a. They're doing something for Ronnie James Dio on October 6th at 6:30pm bowl for Ronnie. Celebrity. Christ, my eyes are going. Celebrity bowling tournament. All right. Oh, fuck. I'm not gonna be able to read this. I can't. Okay, here we go. Oh, gotta love that. You can enlarge it. Wish I could do this to the world, man. I have to get glasses. Why won't I just give in to the fact that I need glasses? All right. October 6, 2017, 6:30pm Celebrity bowling tournament. Bowl for Ronnie. For God's sake, Steven, where's it going to be at? Oh, it pins Bowling Center, 12655 Ventura Boulevard, Studio City, CA 91604. Go down there. It's for a great cause. And, you know, have yourself a White Russian, you know, and tell Donnie to shut the fuck up, okay? And I'll be down there for a great cause. Alrighty. There you go. I'll put up a link. I'm gonna post the whole flyer on the Monday morning thing of a jig. There's another guy got the TV on there, and on my Twitter account, there's a guy standing out there. Jesus Christ. Standing out there in the fucking rain like the video Al Rokers out there. How many hurricanes is that? Poor bastard stood out and now it's going up to Tampa. Then it looks like it's going to go right over the Florida Gators football stadium, somehow die around fucking Macon, Georgia. Is that what they're saying? Is that the trajectory? I don't know what. Anyways, so I was in Mississippi. Flew into fucking Mississippi on Thursday night and I missed the entire New England Patriots game. And from what I've heard as a Patriots fan, was probably better to just land and find out that they got the shit kicked out of them, really Just kind of in the fourth quarter, though. I mean, it was kind of a shootout with no fucking defense. As far as I could tell. The Chiefs are all excited, doing fucking cartwheels because they let up. Fucking 27 points. I don't know what they're so fucking excited about. But I will tell you, as a Patriots fan, I. I'm pretty fucking happy. I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you why. Because I don't. Like, the fucking worst thing ever is when before you even start the season, those fucking hacks on the sports shows go. You know, they talk about your team like, can they go undefeated? Right? They start doing that shit. So before the fucking season already starts, you already got that fucking monkey on your back. Every fucking fat douche who never got picked in gym class coming in with his fucking loafers and his sweaters waddling into your locker room, just trying to rip the team apart and just adding just distraction. So right out of the gate, we fucking lose. All of that is gone. And then immediately they go, oh, oh, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Remember when you say Tom Brady isn't. After his last game was the greatest, without a doubt of all time. Now we're the exact same people one fucking game later saying, he's too old. So I'm loving that. I'm loving all of that. What would, you know, I would actually love if we lost next week, too, but then they would have all those, you know, what gives? A time to hit the panic, blah, blah, blah. You'd have to deal with that. So I'm hoping, you know, they win the next three, four, they lose another one. Four and two, and then they're five, Just nobody's paying attention. No, they treat us like the Indianapolis Colts. Remember when they were 13? And, oh, and nobody said shit for whatever fucking reason, which is really a reoccurring thing with the Indianapolis Colts. No matter what they do. Hearing aids in the fucking helmets, fucking pumping, crowd noise in tank. In the final third of a season to get Andrew Luck stealing the Patriots offense, fucking being on the rules committee, changing the rules of passing and on and on and fucking on, right? Going 13 and, oh, nobody's saying shit. Ah, they're just a bunch of country boys out there. We won't pay attention to them. I love it. I love that we. I mean, I hate our fucking defense, but I haven't liked our defense since we won our first three. I think ever since then, we've always been like, you know, well, we're going to score. What are you going to score? 35. We're going to score 38. I always just, I just kind of feel like we've been like that for too long. And occasionally we've brought, we've brought in a shutdown corner like a Reivis. Oh, they Tay Lib, whatever the fuck his name was, who was here for like a year or two. He was fucking great. But then all of a sudden they're like, yeah, okay, now I want to get paid. They're like, yeah, nah, nah. So anyways, yeah, so I just, I watched a little bit of the highlights. I mean, when you give up an 85 yard touchdown and your corner like fucking lets the guy go by him because he thinks he's got help over the top and the guy just isn't there. I mean, I really don't think that's too Chiefs kicking our ass as much as that's just horrible defense, you know what I mean? I would say though that that guy running for like 6,000 yards against us is definitely a concern. But you know, what, are we supposed to win it every year? You know, I'm all right with it. I love it. I love it. So there we go. So now what? Now What? We go 11 and 5. They'll fix it, but I don't know, you know what we do? We always fucking have guys and then they make the Pro bowl and then they ask for more money, then we let them go and then we got to build it back up again. So we'll see. It is definitely towards the end of Tom Brady's career. You know, I don't know how it could have gone any fucking better. You know what? Are you going to tell me what the fist, you know, you know why so many people flipped out about that? Aside from the fact that they hate the Patriots? It's, that's how people, that's how most people live their lives. You know, they take one loss and they just pack it in. We're never gonna do it. And I'm including a lot of Patriot fans, you know, those act. But you can never listen to those sports shows because even like the people who call in, you know, they always use words like concerned. I'll tell you right now, I'm really concerned about our past defense on third towns. Are you. What are you concerned about? As if like you're a part of the coaching staff and if it doesn't work, you're gonna get fired. You're gonna have to put your house up for sale and relocate your kids. Once again, what exactly are you concerned about? But congratulations to the Chiefs. I've actually. I've always liked the Chiefs. I used to always watch those super bowl highlights and that one with Hank strahm, you know, 64 toss, power trap. It was always like the. One of the great ones just sitting there laughing his fucking balls off. And everybody loved that back then, but now, if they had that audio, he'd have to issue an apology to the Minnesota Vikings and Bud Grant and the family and all that bullshit. But. So anyways, I was flying back from Alabama, and so the only football games I was able to catch, I watched the Green Bay Seattle game, which I know Seattle fans hate because they. They definitely seem like they were getting the short end of the stick. Certainly on that phantom punch ejection, which I didn't see. I just saw the. The replay of it. Of course, it happened on a fucking pick six. Always fun to watch Pete Carroll loop blow a gasket. But that guy is a great coach. And that's. That's a great defense. You know what I mean? The Legion of Doom, you know, Legion of. Boom. Sorry. Boom. Right in your ass with the steroids. Fuck all you guys. If you're gonna bring up every fucking goddamn time. Jesus Christ, we bend a card in fucking New England. I'm fucking trashing everybody. I'm doing research on all your fucking teams, and I'm gonna do what you guys do every fucking time. You give me shit about. I'm fucking fine. I'm gonna fucking look in the corners of your franchise. Jesus Christ. Like 30% of that fucking team tested POS defense tested positive for fucking steroids. And they're still just talking about how great they are. Unbelievable. Oh, that's another Colts one. The guy who caught the fucking allegedly deflated ball. Which was never fucking proven. It's never fucking proven yet Tom still got fucking suspended. Everybody's basically paying the price for the under suspension of Ray Rice. I think when they go into Roger Goodell, how psyched was he that the Patriots lost after those barstool guys had that hilarious T shirt of him? Just like a clown. Is there anything better than just calling he's a fucking clown? All your accomplishments just go right out the window. That guy Roger Goodell makes $30 million a year. $30 million a year. If you can catch him walking to his car and you go, hey, dude, you're a fucking clown. I'm telling you, as much as he has $30 million, probably 16 after taxes, it bugs him. He's gonna be thinking about it when he's drinking his little Dunky's coffee in the morning. Fuck is that guy to call me a clown? Talking himself, you know, when he's putting his suit on, he's got the jacket, tie and shirt. He looks like one of those guys. He gets everything on. He puts the pants on last, including. He already has his shoes on with the fucking socks and the sock garters. You got him talking to himself as he's adjusting the nut and the fucking. The knot right there in the. In the mirror. So anyway, so I watched that game and the defense is. Looked obviously great in those games. And. And now I got the. I got the cowboys and giants in the background. I did watch the MotoGP race. I just watched the. The big boys. I didn't get to watch Moto GP3 or 2, but what a race. How about Mark Marquez just saying, you know, Davitiosa is just like, hey, man, I'm gonna take. I'm gonna take the points. Mark Marquez is like four. That. That. I'm going for the victory for you guys who don't watch motorcycle racing. It was raining out and they still race. They don't quite go as fast, but they were going like over 150 miles an hour in the rain on each other's asses. And this guy, what the was his name? He started the race. He shot right up the side into first pace. What the is being able to pee? I can't. I don't. I'm new to the sport. I don't know all their names. So anyways. No, it didn't. It was that guy Bill. Why don't you just look this shit up so you can talk? You know what happened. You just can't remember the fucking names. What was the guy's name? Larry Legend. Is that the guy who fucking shot up in first before he fucking wiped out? There was more goddamn accidents today or yesterday, I should say when they were racing. And anyways, everything that Formula One needs, MotoGP has, it was a race right down to the end. And fucking Marc Marquez said, fuck this, I'm going for the points. Because if he got to 25, he was going to be tied with Davito. So he passed him on the fucking last lap or second to last lap and then held him off. You know, it was some Phil Mickelson shit. You know, I'm not gonna fucking, you know, just try to get back out on the fairway. I'm gonna try to put it in the hole, then I'm gonna four putt and walk away with sweaty tits. I mean, that's what this man did. But basically on a motorcycle. So that was very enjoyable. But let's get down. Let's talk about going down south now that the Patriots season is evidently over and Tom Brady is over the hill. You know, the Atlanta Falcons won today and the New England Patriots lost. The exact opposite thing that happened the last time. So there you go. I don't know what that means. I'm sure Atlanta Falcon fans, if they could switch, you know, the results with the Patriots, I think they would, you know, but evidently the football sky is falling. You know what I hate about fantasy football? That has literally taken over. Like, they used to have, like, in the sports pages, they used to just have. They would have, like, the leaders. It was something. It was really easy to find the leaders. You could collect football cards and shit. I used to know so much more about the game. I don't know anybody's name anymore. Anytime you go to any sort of website where they have, like, fantasy. When you want to look at stats, it's all this fantasy football shit. Get this guy on your team. Peyton Manning's fucking advertising that stuff. I don't know. Should I just give in? Should I just give. I don't want to. I don't want to do that shit. I don't want to have somebody on a team. Actually, I don't really hate any other team in the NFL. Do I hate any team I hate? Jim Irsay. That's it. That's the only person I don't like. You know, there's certain people that act like fucking idiots in the league that I don't particularly care for, but I don't hate the team. You know, here's another classic. The Cowboys are probably going to beat the Giants because this is what the Cowboys and Giants do. The Cowboys win in the beginning part of the year, and then the Giants always fucking lose. And in the end, they come back around and they do the same thing down in New York. So time to move on from Eli. He only steps up in every fucking big moment in January, his entire career. I think it's time to get rid of him because he fucked up in September. You know, I didn't even. I'm look this shit up. Did that Ezekiel Elliott guy play? Seems to me what's weird is they threw out his case in the real world, but it's like in the NFL, you need less burden of proof. Elliot Cowboys. Is that his fucking name? Elliot Cowboys to play. Is he playing? Judge grants, temporary restraining Order request for Dallas Cowboys running back. Probably from that psycho. Who. That person was seeming like a psycho. Okay, Ezekiel Elliott. Ruling makes. Yeah, I've been out of the loop. All right, so he played. That's good. That's good, because the clown was going to over suspend him. Oh, look at this. The NFL is back. And so are the 15 reasons. It's a complete disaster. Hey, how about those Los Angeles Rams coming back wearing the Lamar Lundy fucking blue and white. The fearsome foursome. Merlin Olson, Rosie Grave. Was it Lamar Lundy? I always forget him. And then what's his face there? I can never name all four of them. I always end up forgetting one. I always remember Merlin Olsen, Rosie Greer. Oh, Jesus Christ. The coolest one of them all. Deacon Jones. And was it Lamar Lundy? Lamar. Lamar Lundy. Is this even a podcast? Is this you guys, listen to me. Yeah, there you go. Right? Lamar Lundy. Was he a Steeler? Was he a Ram? He. Was he a Ram? Lamar. Rams fearsome foursome. All right, I got it. All right, so anyways, let's get.
- [48:15]
Paul Versi
Let's.
- [48:16]
Bill Burr
Let's. I'm not watching TV anymore. Now I'm focused. Now I'm focused. Oh, here's Eli driving him in. What's he got? His second and 8.809to go in the third quarter. Eli calling a audible over the middle for a first down, moving the ball. Cowboys fans are all going to be saying you need to bench quarterback and bring back Roger Staubach. So we did the. The Horseshoe Casino in Mississippi. I had so much fucking fun doing that. Although it was just a part of the south, man, that was just deep, deep, deep, deep South. Deep South. Hang a fucking right. Don't stop in Alabama. Keep going. Stop right before you get to fucking Louisiana. And it was just. It was. I don't know, the pace of the people down there was driving me fucking nuts. You know, I ordered room service twice. I kept ordering water and they just wouldn't bring it up to me. So the second time I said, did you. Where's the glass? Is there a glass of water? And she's like, wasn't on the tray. And I'm like, and. And that's what's on the tray. It just fucking walks out. There's no, oh, I'm sorry. I'll go get you some. It's like, it wasn't on the tray. So then I go to use. Like, nothing fucking worked. I go to use the fucking ironing board. The ironing board was fucked up. I was trying to make it stand up. It wouldn't stand up. I had to bend the piece back. It wouldn't. And then I finally just had a fucking meltdown. And I'm admitting this to the casino. I jumped up and down on it. And then I pulled the shark nose back. I felt bad afterwards, and I tried to bend it back, but it's all fucked up. If you wonder why it's fucked up. I finished it off. It was already fucked up. So if you want to send me a bill, I apologize. And then the next day, me, Dean, and Bartnik drove over into Tuscalooska to go on. We went to go see Alabama versus Fresno State. We had a great fucking time. We met some people there, some friends of mine, and they hooked us up. We were in, I think, this fucking skybox. No sunburn, you know, it was a cupcake game. Who's kidding who? Against Fresno State? It was a day game. It's like. I went, but I have to go back there again. I want to go there. Night game, when they play, like, Texas A and M, Mississippi, or fucking, you know, anybody like LSU or some shit like that. I want to go back for that, and I want to sit in the fucking crowd the next time. This was, like. It was too nice. It was awesome. I had a great time, but it was like. I didn't. I didn't get to feel the crowd a little bit, which was perfect because I had a show that night, so I didn't drink. I'm still not drinking, and I didn't get a sunburn, so it worked out for me. But I feel like I kind of went to a preseason game. So we're walking out of there, and Joe Bartnik somehow found the one Russian guy in Alabama, and shit escalated quickly. You know, Bartik walks up to the guy. The guy. I don't know how they got into a conversation. The guy said he was. Somehow. He said he. He always heard us talking. He said something to us. We're waiting for the elevator. The guy said that he was Russian. So Barnick's a huge Penguins fan. And he goes, oh. He's like, oh, you're Russian. He goes, hey, you know. He's like, gino Malkin. Evgeny Malkin, right? You like Malkin. The guy's like, nah, nah. He's like, I like. He's like, I like Ovechkin. And then he goes, you like a Vetchkin? And then he gets right in the guy's face, and he goes, zero cups. Zero cups. He's like, ovechkin he goes and starts doing the choker thing, right? Joe had a couple of sarsaparillas. Who's kidding who, right? So they fucking start going back and forth and Joe keeps giving him shit. The guy's going, oh, come on, man, it's a team game. And he goes, hey, he's got zero cups. How can you like. Zero cups? Zero cups. Keeps acting like the guy's choking on a fucking dick. And the Russian guy's getting mad. Joe's fucking around, he's not seeing it. And the fucking elevator cannot come fast enough because it looks like it's going to escalate into a fight, which, you know, Joe Bartnik. And this Russian guy was actually taller than Joe, but he was skinnier, but you know, he's also Russian, you know what I mean? So, you know, you know, those fucking people, they be. They fucking bitch slapped Hitler all the way back to fucking Berlin, you know, let people out of prisons. Hey, remember what we threw you in there for? Why don't you come out and go do that to people who look like this? And that's what they did. Half of them were in bare feet. I mean, I know it's a legend at this point, but it's pretty much fucking true. So now I'm concerned because they're both. Joe's like, whatever, six four. This guy's like six five. And I kept going, joe, hey, man, hey, Joe, take it easy. Just kept going, hey, guys got no cubs?
- [53:17]
Paul Versi
Hey, come on, he's a joker.
- [53:18]
Bill Burr
He just kept doing it. And then he's laughing at the guy and I don't know, he just wasn't seeing the guy getting mad. So the guy goes, hey, why don't we go around the corner? Joe's like, hey, let's go around the corner. And they walk around the corner. I'm like, are they gonna go fight? And then there was this awkward little moment between them. And me and Dean are stone sober, like, what the fuck? So finally I just go to my buddy, I go, is there some stairs we can take? Because the elevator was taking forever. And he goes, yeah, yeah, we can take the stairs. So we go to take the stairs and we're going to walk out. And the Russian guy's like, I will take the stairs too. Now they're walking down the stairs and it's just like I couldn't separate them. I couldn't get them separated. And I don't know what happened. By the end of it, they were. They were like best of friends ready to go drink some Fucking vodka. We actually left the game halfway through the fourth quarter because we had to go do our show. But we wanted to go around and get a picture in front of the Bear Bryant statue, and we actually got one in front of the Nick Saban one. There's one other guy that nobody, Everybody always forgets. He's only won one championship, but it was pretty fucking amazing to go. I'm telling you, if you, if you get a fucking chance, man, everybody wants to go to the ballparks, all the baseball parks, or go to a fucking Lambeau Field and that type of shit, which I understand, but you know, all you guys who live in pro football cities and you know, New York, Chicago, all that pro shit. Boston, don't sleep on going to big time college football, man. I'm telling you. Sec, Big Ten, you got to go to the University of Michigan, you got to go to Horseshoe in Ohio State, you got to go to one of them. You just have to experience 100,000 fucking people going absolutely fucking nuts. Pick a good rivalry game, go on fucking StubHub, pay through the nose, Go out there, get fucking hammered, go to the game. And then please tell me what you see in the NFL, because I don't think the NFL can near nearly touches the excitement. Although having said that, how great is it that it's football season? And this is what always happens. Football season goes by like the summer. You know what I mean? Like every year in the summer, I'm like, okay, it's May. We're going into May. I'm really going to pay attention and try to enjoy and, and, and remember, like, hey, it's this summer. We're in the summer. Let's enjoy this. I still feel that way even though I live out in LA where it's summer all the time, right? And every, every fucking year, all of a sudden it's just like September, right? And football season's the same thing. You're like, oh, my God. Fucking football season, it's fucking great. Then all of a sudden it's like it's the playoffs. And you're so focused on the playoffs, playoffs, that all of a sudden, like, it's that week between the championship game in the super bowl and you're like, what the happened? You're so busy putting money on the games and betting on the fucking games. You don't realize not only is there only one two teams left, there's only one game left. And then we're fucked. Then we're fucked. And then the panic starts to set. And then you think, well, at least I got March Madness, right? At least I got March Madness. And then I got the hockey and the basketball playoffs. And then there's just. You know what it really is? It's just July. It's that one panic of July and into August, the dog days of baseball that you have to fucking deal with. That's how I ended up getting into fucking, I think, Formula one and all that shit, just to cover that. And then I totally got into it. I don't know. I feel like I've been talking in circles for, like, fucking 25 minutes. What is this? How many. How many awful minutes has this been? 26. See that? You're comedian long enough. You can. You can. You can sense time. I had this feeling that I'd been bombing for 26 fucking minutes. So congratulations to everybody's team who won this week, including the Chiefs. I'm not a cunt. And everybody who lost, hey, it's only, you know, it's just one week. Fucking relax. 25 days and no booze. 25 days of no booze. I'll tell you how well I'm doing with no booze. When I went out, I went through the duty free and I saw that McCallum Rare Cask Black, which I'd never heard of. And I'm like, I am fucking buying that when I get. When I come back off the plane. And when I got off the plane, I. You know, I think I flew Delta out and United on the way back. So it wasn't there, but I was gonna buy it. You know, I'm sitting there talking to myself, like, am I done? Like, I was actually thinking on the plane today, like, I might be done for good. And then I came home and I ordered these whiskey glasses, and I'm like, well, that's not a good sign. Like, if you just say, I'm done with heroin, and then you go to Amazon or you go to, like, syringe.net you know, and you just order a bunch of fucking drug paraphernalia. I guess as long as you don't buy the drugs, right? I just. Gate officer. I collect crack pipes. Okay, Can I have them. Can I have my license back, please? You're not gonna find any residue in there. So anyway, I was actually thinking on the plane, I'm like, am I. What if I just. Next year I turn 50, right? And I'm just done with the booze and then I just become like this yoga Pilates guy. I just go sting, right? Gordon Sumner. I become that fucking guy. You know, I look Good for my age. If I actually fucking did that through my 50s, I would look fucking unbelievable at 60 for a 60 year old, you know? And you figure by then, you know how good tanning beds are going to be, how good the hair plugs are going to be, you know, And I bet I'll be microchipped by then, which I can also have like the added Viagra option to it, you know what I mean? I think I can stay in the game for another 10 years after that. I don't know. What do you guys think? Have you guys thought about the future? You the microchipped you full head of hair and abs. All right, let me read some advertising here. All righty. There, that is done. That is done. So I'm actually toying with that idea, you know, no booze. Done, done. I don't know if I can. I don't know. I understand why alcoholics, like, they take it one day at a time. Because just sitting there like, I'm never going to do this, not just today. I'm just not going to do it today. Just not going to do it today. You know, Sometimes you got to do it though, right? You know, your wife's talking to you and you're sitting there looking at her, smiling and nodding. She's thinking, oh, I love when he looks at me that way. He still loves me. I can see it in his eye. And you're actually thinking about that bottle of booze that you bought. How you gonna go out in the garage like a fucking degenerate, sit in some dirty chair, you don't give a shit, right? Pour that glass, you set the bottle down, it touches the floor, you hear it echoing in your garage. You know that garage that's yours, right? That garage that you made the decision you weren't gonna be like these. Most of these guys who let their wives not only take over the house, but also the garage, right? They just fill it up with all their shit. You can't even get the fucking car in there. That garage is yours. You put up the dartboard, you get the kegerator. That's. That's your little fucking tree fort, you know? I mean, who's kidding who? You're a guy, yet you're still a child. Just because you can grow a beard doesn't mean you're mature, all right? Would you look at all these stars doing these fucking commercials now? Jesus fucking Christ. Can you leave something on the bone for the struggling actor? Can't you just do a fucking ad over in Guam like you used to Anyways, I want to redo my fucking garage again, okay? I gotta. I gotta add something else in there. I gotta add a fucking. You know, now that I never have my truck in there, you know, I put it in storage. So I kind of flip flop and everything like that with the new car and then the old car. I haven't driven my truck in like two weeks, man. I'll miss it. I gotta do that someday. I gotta have the garage with the fucking room above it. You just have to have it. That's what it is. You know? And then what? You have a fucking prenuptial agreement that if we get divorced, I get the garage and the room above it and you cannot fucking evict me. That will be mine and you will get the fucking house. But you know something? Fucking. They'll just be. But I just don't feel safe with him being out there. And they'd cry their way into getting that, too, you know? I swear to God, I wonder if anybody, like when a hurricane's coming and if they're in an unhappy marriage, like, what's going through their mind. You're just sitting there with your wife, you know, she doesn't know that you bought a boat that you tied to the back of the house, a little rowboat, you know, she can't see it. You convince her to try to ride out the storm, and when the water comes in, you're like, see you later. Oh, Jesus, Bill. All right, let's get to the fucking questions this week. I apologize. What do you. You know what? I don't apologize. I don't apologize for making up shit I'm making up, man. What the you want from me? All right, Boo. Lineups, booze, lineups. Did I talk about everything I want to talk about first before I get into this? Let's see here. Stephen Adler, Ronnie James, Alabama versus Fresno State, Mississippi, horseshoe ironing board. Oh, yeah. When I was waiting for the car to come around, I was standing out in front of the hotel going, I'm never coming to this fucking state again. I was so. Everything was going so goddamn slow. But, you know, once I. I got over my five second temper tantrum, I realized that I actually had a great time there. So I'm going to come back. Next time I'm coming back, it's either when Ole Miss or Mississippi State has a game. I'm going to a fucking game then. And I hope they're playing Alabama or some shit like that. Joe finds a Russian. I talked about that. No booze. 25 days old Billy fucking red velvet cakes was going to take. Take a month off. Now all of a sudden he thinks he's the next. He's the second coming of Sting. You know, Sting held onto the hair, he was losing the roof. And then all of a sudden he started doing yoga. He started standing on his head and all that blood went to the top of his head. Started feeding the roots. That's what happened. Maybe mine will come back. Fantasy football is taking over trading cards and all that. I talked about that. Well, I guess it's time to get on the fucking with the. The booze lineups here. All right, it's guys booze lineup. Hey, Billy Bollock chops. I'm a listener from. A listener from the UK I. By the way, it's 16 to 3. Well, you guys already know this. Dallas playing some good defense. A listener from the uk I managed to get to your show in Manchester and it was brilliant. Thank you. I was nervous about that show. You know, all I knew was this fucking soccer hoodlums from the 80s, you know, the fucking neo Nazis falling around Man United. That's all I knew. I read among the thugs and to me, that was Manchester. He said, I wanted to send you my team of drinks, but I don't watch baseball. Oh, your batting lineup. Okay, I tried when I was in New York to watch baseball, but I found it boring. Same with football. Fucking boring. He means soccer here, I guess because he says, I only watch that for the World Cup. I mainly watch rugby league. You watch that seven nation league where if you come in last, you get the wooden spoon. NFL for the Seahawks, cricket. And I'm a big fan of F1. Dude, if you can sit through fucking cricket, you can get through a baseball game. I mean, that's the same thing, except cricket lasts for fucking five days. I decided to send you my list of drinks as the formula one teams. I don't really drink that many neat spirits or whiskey, so I included everything else I drink when I want to get pissed. All right, leading off, he's got Mercedes, his Mercedes Benz team. For those of you who don't watch F1, they're like the fucking cream of the crop. Well, you really should have batting cleanup, but I get this. You're going to do this more like you know how they rank football teams. The best to the worst. All right. IPA beers. Yeah, I'm one of those guys, but I don't piss people off talking about it. My pole position. Drink. Quite happy to drink these beers all night. Drink IPAs all night. Jesus Christ, it's like drinking a Thanksgiving dinner. Each pint is so fucking. I fucking hate they're so fucking. You know, every once in a while, if I just want to have one beer, but I know I'm gonna drink 30, I'll have an IPA. Because by the time I'm done with it, I'm just like, jesus, I've had enough. Enough with the fucking hops. Good Lord. It's like overacting. Quit bugging your eyes out of your fucking head. I get it. Beer's supposed to have hops. Well, as long as you don't drink any of those stupid beers that have those. Those aggressive for no reason names, you know, Angry fuckface, kick your mother in the cunt beer. Whatever they have. Ale. Angry Ale. All right. His second batter would be the Ferrari team. Jack Daniels, Black Label, old number seven, whatever you want to call it. Been around for these all these years, and it's. And it is as popular as it's always been. Usually drink it with a Coke, Rarely. Neat. Oh, Jesus. This guy's not even in Triple A. Here batting third, Red Bull, Mount Gay. With Mount Gay Eclipse Rum. All right, if you're in your twenties, I forgive you for this lineup. I've been drinking it with ginger beer since these guys were Jaguar. Oh, the Red. Oh, I'm sorry. The Red Bull team. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm sorry. I thought you were drinking Red Bulls and Mount Gay Eclipse rum. I was like, what in the. I'm sorry. I apologize.
- [67:27]
Paul Versi
All right.
- [67:28]
Bill Burr
Force India team is Zabraca vodka. Never heard of that. Usually with apple juice. Dude, I gotta be honest. You drink like a woman. Usually with apple juice and a little umbrella in there. And I sort of spin around a couple of times. Do I look fat in this? I'm new to good vodka. Like a few Brits. I was drinking paint stripper, VOD, paint striper vodka and Red Bull from 17. All right. The Williams Stella Artois Lager. Okay. Williams team is the stellar Artos. I don't know how to say half this shit. The old dependable. I never heard of it, but doesn't win many races anymore. Still, nothing beats turning up at a mate's house with a crate of steel for a day of drinking. Toro Rosso team would be Sailor Jerry Rum. This guy's a rum drinker. When I started drinking rum and moved to the Red Bull team not long after. All right, Malicious didn't mix that with anything. The Haas, the American Formula One Jack Daniel Single barrel one for the Americans. There you Go. The only whiskey I really drink. Neat. Good man. There's hope for you, Renault. That poor ass. Team Bitter. The classic British British drink which is not served warm. It's served at cellular cellar temperature. I don't even know what bitter is. McLaren Jagermeister. Not as good as it used to be, but I have some great nights drinking this stuff. How the fuck anybody drinks more than one of those is beyond me. The sober team. I don't even know who that is. Bringing up the rear. It's cider. Not even close to a go to drink, but I'm glad it's there. I fucking hate cider. Love the podcast. F is for family and all the specials. Come back to the UK soon. Soon. Thanks. And go yourself. I'll definitely be back there. Thank you for your booze lineup. There was actually a couple interesting things in there. That's a Broca vodka. I never heard of that. But you know, I'm gonna do yoga and Pilates for the rest of my life. I'm gonna age like Sting. Granted, he started doing that shit in his 30s. All right, number two. All right, question number two. Or whatever the fuck I'm doing this week. A rhinestone ball bag. Billy, love the podcast and love when you rip into the morons simply for being morons. Keep it up. That's why I trash myself so much. I wanted to throw down a booze lineup, but for hockey. All right, here we go. We're going for more booze lineup. I feel like this is getting old, people. I'm going to read this last one. That's going to be it for the booze lineups. And every once in a while we'll do it. We need some more. Overrated, underrated. Center, the Cindy Crosby position. Miller Genuine Draft. Ah, I hate that beer. God bless you. Somebody's got to drink it. You pay a little too much for him, but he's your franchise player, so you have no choice. Left wing is Wiser's Black Label. Smooth dangles and sets everyone else up. Right wing is Santiago, 16 year Cuban run rum. Foreign player other teams are afraid to sign that. Plays his ass off every night but takes some stupid penalties. D man. Number one, Jack Daniels. Safe, gritty, defensive minded. And you didn't break the cap hit for him. D man. Two Cores Light. Never misses a game. Jumps up in the zone, but on the wrong end of the odd man rushes too often. Goalie is Crown Royal hometown boy that gives you 65, starts a season and always gives you a chance. Bartnik would love that lineup. I don't know about Miller Genuine Draft, but he'd love that. You finished with Crazy Brown Royal. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. All right, now we're on. Now we're on to some fucking questions here. All right. The fuck are we. Bill. What is this? This is more fucking football. I can't do this. This is. There's too many booze lists here. But it's just going to get boring because it requires me to really read out loud. Which I'm not good at. All right. Fingerprinting stuff. Students. What in the is happening to this world? Hey, Billy Bo Baggins. I'll try to keep this short. I just started college and in the dining halls they now only use fingerprint scanners to let you in. Cooking is not allowed in the dorms. So if you want to eat you have to give them your fingerprints. I'm not one of those I got chips slash free T shirt people. But what else can I do? Your thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Well, Millennials, I think it's time you guys fucking rebel. You got to rebel against something here. Or go to Subway. Why do they need your fucking fingerprints? And what are they going to do with them? Even if they're not going to do anything with them, they're going to hack into your system. Somebody's going to hack into the system. That's so fucking nuts. That is legit. I honestly have to look up like how? How? How do people justify taking your fucking fingerprints to give you a fucking slice of pizza? How do colleges justify taking students fingerprints? I love how the mainstream fucking pussy ass fucking corporate media never talks about this shit. They just sell people out. They're just such. All these fucking idiots screaming about Trump and Hillary and this is what they're doing to citizens of this fucking country. It's fucking unbelievable. Can I refuse to have my child fingerprinted at school? Background of fingerprinting. I got a. Jesus. I almost lied to you guys. I got to read up on this. Like I'm actually going to do this. Should schools fingerprint your kids? Isn't that. What is this for? Let me guess. It's for our own protection. All they do is make gift bags for people that know how to go on the Internet and steal. Here it is. Here's the fucking Social Security number with the fingerprints, the home address, all the relatives. All in a night. Neat. Nice, neat little fucking bag. I can't fucking believe this. These fucking jerk offs. These fucking jerk offs. Anybody watches Fox and CNN is a fucking jerk off. When was the last time they held the feet of the fucking cunts that are doing all of this shit in the fire. When the fuck have they ever done that? Have they ever really gone off pharmaceutical companies for starting a heroin epidemic? Have they ever really gone after Monsanto for fucking with the food supply? Have they ever really gone after bankers for what the fuck they were allowed to get away with ten fucking years ago? Jesus fucking Christ. You do one off colored fucking joke, they cover that more than these fucking insurance companies are probably gonna fuck everybody over. Ah, now I'm upset. You know what I would do, sir? I would fucking somehow go out of my own pocket and I would fucking eat down the street for fucking cheap the best I could. That's why you can still bring snacks. You can't cook. You can still have a fridge, right? I'd eat a bowl of fucking cereal. I would eat a fucking bowl of cereal three days of, three times a fucking day before I'd get those fucking cunts your goddamn fingerprints. First of all, all you're gonna do is come out of college, you're gonna be. All these student loans, what sort of job is even to be there? You got to give me your fingerprints too. These people, them, you know.
- [75:13]
Paul Versi
I don't.
- [75:14]
Bill Burr
Know, you're not even allowed to protest anymore. You'd have to go to a certain section, you'd have to get a permit to protest. Dude, I guarantee you, I guarantee you the reason why they're taking your fingerprints is an added revenue stream. And they're going, they, you know, they're, they're going to sell them to somebody else. All of those fucking people that take your fucking information. Oh, we're not getting. It's safe, it's secure. It isn't safe and secure. What they've done now is they've made it a lot easier for these people that go in and steal shit rather than having to break into you personally. They just break into a company and they get like a, whatever, a couple thousand people a whack. And then what kills me is, is after these cunts take your information, their system gets hacked into and you can you sue them for putting your shit up there. It's fucking unreal. Anyways, I just recently had, you know, a TV network that I work for sent me a fucking letter, should go in there and go read it and say, you know, unfortunately, someone broke into our system and a lot of personal information was. Might have been expensive exposed. So all they're required to do after it's like, why did you keep all that Information. We need to go back to paper and file cabinets, people. I'm telling you, make these fucking pieces of shit. Put on little cat burglar outfits, have the flashlight in their mouth as they try to pick the lock to go in. Sorry, I really just lost my shit there. But I feel I might, you know, even though I didn't have all the information I needed to make a logical argument, I feel like I am right sniffing around something there.
- [76:55]
Paul Versi
All right.
- [76:55]
Bill Burr
Alcoholics Anonymous. Hey, Bill. I was in AA for roughly two years. If you're thinking about attending, I would suggest you visit a library and get the AA big book. Sometimes they have a copy available. I would read it. Okay. Now, you just asked me to do two things that are really difficult for me. One, going to a library and two, finding a book and then actually three, reading it. What else you want to do? Dunk a basketball? You're really getting outside the realm of what I do here. Then I would also read the Orange Papers, an online website which attempts to debunk the AA philosophy, attend a few meetings and get a feel for it. But honestly, I don't think you're an alcoholic from listening to your podcast. I just think you're a piss head. You can put a cork in the bottle. I hear you sometimes beating yourself up when you've had three. Three large pores. Oh, Jesus, relax. That's not alcoholism. I love this guy. Sure, you're probably not a good drinker, but it's all on a spectrum and you seem to be doing fine. When you start drinking cleaning gel mixed with fruit juice because it has alcohol in it, then we can talk. I've heard it all in aa and you don't qualify for the club, in my humble opinion. Take it easy, you bald fuck. All right, well, thank you for the kind words, sir. No, but it's also. It's not good for you, I can tell you it's not. The level that I was drinking was not good for you. But I also don't think AA is bad. If it works for you, then I think it's good. If it doesn't work for you, I don't think you then have to go out and debunk it. What kind of a cunt does that? Like Alcoholic Anonymous has helped so many fucking people. Let me look at the orange papers. Who the fuck's the asshole just say everybody just always has to rain on somebody's parade. Orange papers here. I just realized somebody might be fucking riding out this hurricane down in Florida, listening to this podcast. If you still have power if you get a generator. I just said rain. Rain on your fucking parade. Sorry, what are the orange papers? Orange papers. I spelled orange wrong. I put two N's in there. I don't know why I said or N. A, N, G. Orange papers. A. Here we go. Orange papers. Recovering from recovery. Anti a site such as Orange Papers. All right, now this is just going to be another website that just hijacked the whole fucking thing so I can't get to it. Where are the original orange papers? Original, original. Please, please, can I get the original? I can't find it. I cannot find it. What the fuck? Come on, man. All right, I just clicked on this page and I see a picture of a monkey leaving aa. Staying sober. All right, here we go. For the suffering alcoholic and those unhappy in aa. All right, let's see what they about here. For the suffering alcoholic and those unhappy in AA. Alcoholics anomalous has over 2 million participants globally. That's is a friendly and welcoming organization with many caring, helpful members. AA offers companionship. Blah, blah, blah, blah. If you think you have a drinking problem and haven't tried aa, stop reading this essay and go to a meeting. However, a growing number of options has slowly become. I don't want to fucking read all of this shit. All right, I'll take your word for it. Evidently. Look at Eli stepping up in the pocket. What's the score here? 16 to 3, seven minutes to go. Did he just throw a pick? Who knows? All right. Wife working out with X. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. If I saw that at the beginning of a fucking porno, I'd be like, oh my God, can we come up with a fucking less cliched scenario? Okay. Hey there, Billy Red Sack. Love your podcast. Love efforts for family. Can't wait for season three. I wanted to your advice on something. Here's the story. I got married about a year ago and me and my lovely wife moved to LA right after the wedding because she had a great job opportunity. She had lived in LA a few years ago prior to meeting me, and when she was living here, she had a fling with some douchey private fitness trainer. Both of them viewed marriage as a stupid concept and they made a pact that when they'll get married to other people, they'd meet up and fuck. I don't believe a fucking word of this. I don't believe a fucking word of this. This is too stupid. They made a pact when. When they'll get married to other people, they'd meet up and fuck. I mean, that definitely sounds like an LA conversation in a gym. I'll continue reading. So as soon as she changed her relationship status to married on Facebook, that guy sent her a bunch of messages which were sexual and pretty much offend. Offered to take her up on the agreement and fuck. She didn't respond. But she did tell me about it, but I didn't lose my shit and remained calm. In the last few weeks, she told me she's looking for a way to get in shape. And she said that the douche had offered her private workout sessions in exchange for her help in his business. She's an accountant. She said that because private workout sessions are expensive and he's very good at what he does, this is a great opportunity that would save us some money. She said she made it clear to him that she's happily married and nothing is going to happen. And he understood completely. She asked me if it bothers me and I not wanting to look like the insecure, jealous type.
- [83:12]
Paul Versi
Oh my God, you fucking.
- [83:14]
Bill Burr
Dude, I'm telling you, these fucking women are in guys heads. All of this bullshit that you've seen on fucking tv, all of these fucking women fucking playing the victim all the time. All of this fucking coverage of just what guys do to women has now every fucking guy has his balls in his fucking back pocket and it's just like, well, I don't want to be the guy that fucking makes you uncomfortable, okay? Would she fucking tolerate this from you? You don't want to look ins. That's not being insecure, sir. That's common sense. So he said, honestly, honey, I trust you. I want what's best for you. And tried actually to do that. My question is, do you think she's trustworthy? Possible. But that guy isn't. And that guy's just drawn her in because he wants to fuck her. She does have a history of cheating on her exes, but so do I. We've both been happily married and our sex life is great, but still the doubt and insecurity about that is this issue exists. Love to hear your take on this. Can't wait for the new hour special. Thanks and go fuck yourself, buddy. Buddy. Yeah.
- [84:28]
Paul Versi
No, no.
- [84:30]
Bill Burr
No fucking way. No fucking way. Work some extra hours. You know, I would actually be willing to believe that she's going over there thinking she's not going to do anything, but that guy's going to seduce her. That's what's going to happen. They already banged. They're already, you know, physically like, you know, you know, the boundaries are not going to be there. And I'm telling you that that's not a good situation. And you're not inspiring. You're not insecure at all, you know, and so what if you are? That's a legitimate, that's a legitimate feeling, that whole fucking thing. That's like those stupid T shirts. I saw this. Some woman was wearing this T shirt. I told you about that when I was back in the summertime. It said something like, a real man is excited by a strong woman. A boy is like, whatever, intimidated or something like that. It's just some Mugle. Oh, I want to be. I want to be considered a strong man. I want a cookie. I was reading that Rolling Stone where they had. The actress that was playing, played Wonder Woman. And I was all excited to read the article. And the first quote that they had, they said, are you a feminist? She goes, yes, I'm a feminist. Everyone should be a feminist. Because if you're not a feminist, then you're a sexist, right? And I like bursted out laughing thinking like, well, it all depends on what your definition is. That's what's funny about these Hollywood people out here. I swear to God, they sound just like the Fox News right people. They're the exact. You know, is zero tolerance. You think the way I do. If you do not, then you are this, like, there's no clear cut definition of feminism any more than there is of like, what makes like, you know, that's real rock music. And then somebody's always like, that's not rock. This is wrong. That's. It's the same thing with like feminine. Like if everyone was a feminist the way my wife is, which, you know, in all fairness, this actress that played Wonder Woman could be, I don't fucking know. But just to say like that is just such a. I mean, granted, it's a fucking interview. They're trying to get people fucking worked up to read the fucking thing. Maybe it was taken out of context, maybe she said other shit, but. But just the way that's presented, you know, Rolling Stone is just fucking insufferable though. It's just fucking insufferable the way they handled Obama with like kid gloves. And if you're a fucking Republican, they stick your head in the fire. Now, I'm not saying they shouldn't stick these Republicans head in the fire. I mean, they're the fucking, you know, they're bought and paid for at that level, right? Am I nuts? And I also thought Obama was too. Judging by these $69 million worth of tour dates he has Coming up, giving speeches to all these fucking rich people. Guy just bought a $10 million fucking house. It's fucking unreal. And they don't say shit. All they do is show him playing high line, fucking going kayaking and parasailing like, isn't he cool? I can't believe how cool. Anyways, by the way, Rolling Stone, is Trump the worst president ever? I haven't noticed. It's not like you haven't fucking written it. It's just like, I don't even read the article. It's like I understood your point of view. The first 90 articles. There's so much other you could be writing about. You know what I mean? Good Lord. Like, why can't you make fun of, like, extreme liberals every once in a while? Throw me a curveball, something. Ah, Jesus Christ. I fucking need to go buy some fucking tampons here. Sorry. You know what happened? You know what the funny stopped was the fingerprinting of these fucking poor kids. These poor kids are going to college. They're getting all in fucking debt, all right? And these colleges are acting like they've adapted to how quickly the real world is changing. And I don't think they are. And that's why these kids are coming out. It's like they're coming out with degrees and, like, fucking. I don't know what. Fucking churning butter, essentially. And then they can't find a fucking job, you know? I don't know. I remember, like, always reading up about all these fucking amazing musicians. They would go to Berkeley and they would. They would never come. Like, the guys that went out seemed. The guys that went out and did shit, they never finished. Like, they were like this. This whole being here. I got what I needed. Now I got to get the fuck out of here. And I'm not saying drop out of college, but I really feel like if that voice is screaming in your head and you. You fucking have some good ideas, why take on the last year of debt? The last. You know why? Because your parents want you to. I don't know. What, Because Bill Gates dropped out? If you drop out. I'm just saying, you know what the fuck I ended up doing? I didn't need to go to college. I had all those fucking. All that student loan, all that debt, and I left. And I immediately went down to a comedy club and started doing shit jokes. Anyways, we got to end on something positive here. Please go to that Stephen Adler, Ronnie James thing. I got to post that. The bowl for Ronnie. Ronnie James. What a fucking voice. What a great Guy too, man. I never met the guy, but like all his interviews, he couldn't have been more down to earth. Once again, it's going to be at Pins P I N Z Bowling Center, 12655 Ventura Boulevard. It's gonna be a bunch of rock stars there, a bunch of comedians all bowling, raising money for. I don't even know what the. What is the cause here. I know Ronnie died of cancer, so I imagine it's that, right? Oh, Ronnie, Ronnie, James, Theo. Stand up and shout. Cancer fun. There you go. Stand up and shout. Right? So there's something positive for you. And I believe it's October 6th. All right, I will be tweeting that out and I am trying to get back onto Instagram. I haven't posted on Instagram in forever. I think I have to create an entirely new account because I keep saying I forgot my password. Please email it to me. And they haven't been able to, or I haven't been able. I can't find the fucking thing. So that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Congratulations to everybody. One week, one. Congratulations to all football fans. That is football season. My favorite fucking thing happened this weekend, by the way. When I was in the Alabama Theater, there was this fucking guy in the front row and he had his middle aged dude, he had his cell phone on this middle aged guy. And I'm like, dude, are you recording the show? You recording the show? And he kind of was like, no. He goes. He goes, I'm looking at the scores because it was Saturday night. He wanted to see how the other SEC teams were doing. And I go, well, what are you watching? He was watching the Georgia game. I go, what?
- [91:30]
Paul Versi
You're Alabama.
- [91:31]
Bill Burr
What the fuck do you give a shit about Georgia for? He goes, they're in the sec. I go, they're not going to catch you. They got that decent quarterback, though. I don't know. And the crowd kind of dies down and this guy in the back goes. He says to the guy with the phone, he just goes, excuse me, sir, Sir. He goes, what do you say? Oh, fuck, I'm gonna butcher the joke. Auburn, Clemson, whoever the fuck Auburn was playing. It was like I wasn't even there anymore. He just asked for a score. Oh, God, what a fucking great setup. It would have been such a killer story if I could have fucking remembered. Auburn score. What do we got here? That's right, they played Clemson. Yeah. He goes, excuse me, sir. Auburn, Clemson. That's all he had to say. The guy's just right on his phone looking to give him the fucking score. I don't know. It's a great fucking place. Don't sleep on the south, all right? If you really think about it, your state's just as racist. Okay, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I don't know what else to tell you. I'll check in on you on Thursday. I hope, you know, I hope there's as little damage in Florida as humanly possible. And that's all you can fucking hope for. And you know, all you guys making fun of people driving electric cars, I don't know. Now, you know, what the fuck. I drive gas combustion cars, so I'm not fucking looking down on you, but, you know, I don't know what the battery does in the end when you drive the Tesla into the fucking ocean. Can you recycle the battery? I have no idea. But I'll tell you what that guy's doing over there at that Tesla company. I like it. I like it. I just wish the car could look a little more meaner. Looks great from the back. Looks great from the side. The front. I don't know what it is. Just can't quite get into it, but I know it's a fucking amazing car. But the SUV is fucking cool, huh? The Lamborghini, doors opening up. Plus, it's also a great way to win the war in the Middle East. You know, drive an electric car, you ride a bicycle. Anything you do to use less fuel, fossil fuels. Those people over over there, and they don't have money to funnel through the moss to give to the terrorists. And there you go. And then all of a sudden, oh, Jimmy crack corn's out of fireworks, right? Oh, I just solved the Middle Eastern problem. Or the Middle east problem, Not Middle Eastern. I don't have problems with Middle Eastern people. And this is why I don't hold office. All right, go yourselves, people. I'll talk to you on Thursday.
- [94:01]
Andrew Thelis
What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast. Really the best sports, best NFL podcast out there. With me, Paul Bersey, Bill Burr. We got Jake the Snake with the injury report, as always, coming in clearer than ever, ladies, so you're gonna like that. And of course, Andrew Thelis out there, the Beverly Hills kid. Guys, what can I say? For two weeks in a row, Bill, I mean, two years in a row. Two years in a row. Week 1 04. I mean, guys just don't listen to me till week two or three. I mean, it is bad.
- [94:34]
Paul Versi
Mid October, Paul. Mid October. Mid October, you start Turning it around.
- [94:39]
Andrew Thelis
Geez.
- [94:40]
Paul Versi
Well, I'm all. I'm old Billy win some loose time. I went 031. I thought I was gonna go, oh, and 4. Watching that bills Ravens game.
- [94:48]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, dude, what a game you got. At the last second, you got that. That was great.
- [94:53]
Paul Versi
Yeah, I mean, I gotta be honest, Paul. I hate games like that. Those are the games for the youth. 42, that 41. Like there was no. Like, the second half they go. This is the first time the Bills haven't scored. Or like that Kansas City game. The Kansas City game Thursday night against the Chargers. It was like we've had seven possessions and seven scores. It's like. Yeah, there's no defense.
- [95:20]
Andrew Thelis
Dude. How good is Lamar Jackson, dude?
- [95:23]
Paul Versi
You know, he's. He's. He's amazing, dude. How about Travis? What's his face? Henry? What is that right? Name? Derek.
- [95:32]
Andrew Thelis
Travis.
- [95:34]
Paul Versi
I got two kids under 10. I. I'm hanging in there. But. But my fingernails.
- [95:39]
Andrew Thelis
No, I said I mess up that I mess up his. His last name.
- [95:43]
Paul Versi
I call one handed catch by that other guy. Wide receiver. Not they do doing this. The other guy. Dude, by the way, could he have done this any longer and then he. They still lose the game. I just. I don't understand. Game isn't over.
- [96:01]
Andrew Thelis
Game is not over.
- [96:02]
Paul Versi
Dude, I saw up until the fourth quarter, last time I saw it, it was like 40 to 25. And then I went on stage. So I still have to watch the fourth quarter where I heard Derrick Henry fumbled and then they just came back. I mean, listen, I love the bills. I mean, I look like half of them at this point. You know, the bills, they're literally.
- [96:32]
Bill Burr
Hello?
- [96:34]
Paul Versi
Did I get kicked off?
- [96:36]
Andrew Thelis
No, you're there.
- [96:37]
Paul Versi
Am I still here? Okay.
- [96:40]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [96:41]
Paul Versi
You just froze for a second. Well, no aluminum siding. Make your. Make your house the showcase of your neighborhood.
- [96:49]
Andrew Thelis
Dude, speaking of that, I got them here now. They're all renovating my house. I don't have my own house right now. They're putting new bathrooms in. I got a guy over here. Stacy. Dude, I just wake up to people drilling in my house. That's why I'm outside. Got to get an office.
- [97:03]
Bill Burr
It's.
- [97:03]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah.
- [97:04]
Paul Versi
You know, they don't care.
- [97:07]
Andrew Thelis
They don't care. You think she cares?
- [97:09]
Paul Versi
What? They're not gonna. Something's going on with that fee here. Dude, you keep freezing on me.
- [97:18]
Andrew Thelis
I do?
- [97:21]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [97:21]
Paul Versi
Oh, maybe I am. I don't know. Okay, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything.
- [97:25]
Andrew Thelis
No, I feel like. I feel like everything was going good. But, dude, can I tell you something?
- [97:31]
Paul Versi
My, my, Paul, you can tell me anything you want.
- [97:35]
Andrew Thelis
My wife does not care that we have workers coming in. And, like, I need to know the schedule. She's just like, this is what it is. And I'm just like, all right, well, me, I'll go myself then.
- [97:48]
Paul Versi
Okay, Just tell me in defense of your wife, Paul, are you really gonna make that schedule? Oh, she knows. She knows she has to just pick up the ball and run it over the goal line. They know I do the same thing with my wife. I mean, am I gonna be included? And then when she goes to sit down to tell me the schedule. Can I talk to you first for a second? I'm like, I try to watch the game, you know, and then. And then, like a day later, I'm like, oh, what are all these guys doing in here? It's like, I will give that. I create all my own problems in the relationship when it comes to that. And women, Women are planners fault. They got a whole. Women are like Bill Walsh. They got all their plays called for the first half.
- [98:34]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah.
- [98:34]
Paul Versi
As you and I come walking out on the field, it's kind of sunny out, huh? Maybe I guess we'll throw the ball.
- [98:46]
Bill Burr
Dude.
- [98:46]
Andrew Thelis
Speaking of. Of going back to football, did you see JJ McCarthy shout out to JJ McCarthy, the new quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings? He did what you said was the kiss of death as a rookie in his first NFL game ever, throws a pick six to the division rival Bears. It's looking bad. And then, dude, the kid got it together and came back and won the game, which is a really good sign for a young quarterback. So the Vikings. Yeah.
- [99:14]
Paul Versi
When I was a kid, if you threw a pitch six, you had like an 80% chance of losing a game. Not anymore. Game is never over.
- [99:23]
Andrew Thelis
No.
- [99:26]
Paul Versi
It'S become baseball.
- [99:29]
Andrew Thelis
Yes.
- [99:30]
Paul Versi
Until you get that final out, it's. It's like. And it's purely for entertainment purposes. And if. If you love offense, they have a league for you. I. I missed it, Paul. I missed the hitting. I missed the dominating defenses. And I just, you know, I. I just. I. I don't, you know. All right, ready? It's men. It's bad.
- [99:53]
Bill Burr
I don't.
- [99:53]
Paul Versi
I don't want to, like, all over the league. All right? I do this every year. Let's just.
- [99:56]
Andrew Thelis
No top. Bill, top three defenses you've ever seen in your lifetime. Top three in your lifetime.
- [100:03]
Paul Versi
Oh, obviously. The 85 Bears, the fucking Doomsday defense, the Steel Curtain. I saw some good ones. I would say, dude, your defense 2007, when you beat the Patriots, that front four, dude, that you had, that would just, you know, making Brady move all day. I mean, all of this, too, about. Eli beat Tom Brady. Did he. Eli did. Helmet catch. Come on. Yeah, he made a couple of good throws in there, but come on, dude. Your defense, defensive line, at least in 2007, dude, that front four, you basically had, like, super sized linebackers. Yeah, I. I felt like, look, I would never call anybody Reggie White other than Reggie White, but it was like you had Reggie White's four illegitimate children. I mean, they were all, like, super strong with, like, linebacker speed. That was a great defense. I would say those. The first three Super Bowls, the Patriots won, where. When we would win games like 19 to 17, 1710. Teddy Brusky, Vrabel, all of those guys. Willie McGinnis. Right. Willie McGinnis, Tyler Lawyer Malloy, all of those. Those guys are great. Those rated defense, that rate of defense that destroyed the. The Redskins, where. Who would. Who. Their safeties were Mike Haynes and. Ah, Jesus, dude, you're just going way back. I would say those 49er defenses that the. The ones that. What about. What about the years when, like, Dion was going back and forth from the Cowboys to the 49ers? I mean, nobody was beating those defenses. Dude.
- [101:57]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, dude. Jake the Snake just came in and said the 2000 Ravens only allowed nine points per game.
- [102:04]
Paul Versi
Oh, Ed Reed. I've got Ray Lewis. Oh, my. My apologies, Jake.
- [102:11]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah, dude.
- [102:11]
Paul Versi
But if you notice, Paul, it's all 2007 and before Seattle had a good one there for a minute. You know, they had a good one. They, they, they. They had a good defense there. I mean, all. Listen, there was a lot of people doing. Royce, whatever. The. Seattle had a good. That was a good defense, too. I don't know. You know, I don't know. The 49ers had a good defense against the Chiefs. They were just getting that this isn't a hold on the final drive, so I don't know.
- [102:43]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah. And dude, John L. John La. What's his name? Lawrence Taylor, I believe 86. I believe the 86 giants with Lawrence Taylor and Carl Banks had a really good one, too.
- [102:54]
Paul Versi
I would say those guys are pretty good. Perry, Carson. Do you know what, Paul? I bet today's defenses are just as good as the other. It's just there's so many rule changes. They've gotten better. I feel like with past interference, which I'm really happy for that. That they. They let some, you know, some of that stuff Go. They're much. I feel like they've gotten a lot better with that. I still, you know, two things in sports I'll never know is if. Was that a Bach or is that a football move? I mean, you catch the ball, you turn and you get hit. Like, did he move his other foot? I don't know. He caught the ball. If my son did that, I would be applauding. It's not. You don't catch. You have to catch the ball and do three other things after you catch it. To make it a catch, you got.
- [103:50]
Andrew Thelis
To catch the ball, run 5 yards and stiff arm. And then they'll review it.
- [103:55]
Paul Versi
Yeah. So I don't. I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I would actually, you know, I think that Eagles defense last year was great, but I feel like the rule changes. They don't allow a defense now to be. Is dominant. I mean, they used to, you know, you know, when we were coming up, you know, up until like the 2000s maybe, up until I'd say that Seattle defense where it was just really like. Like we're not going to score more than 12 points, 14, they just, they just shut you down. They haven't let up a touchdown in the first half. Remember those kinds of defenses all year. Like, I just, I mean, like I said, I'm also a curmudgeon. I'm sure, like some young kids right now is saying, I don't know what the. I'm talking about. I probably don't, but.
- [104:43]
Andrew Thelis
Well, dude, the. The Ravens giving up nine points per game in the 2000. They beat the Giants that year in the super bowl, but the Ravens giving up nine points per game in 2000 is pretty as dominant as could be. I mean, that's unheard of. That's unheard of.
- [104:56]
Paul Versi
Yeah. Yeah.
- [104:57]
Andrew Thelis
Ray Lewis, dude, that was.
- [104:59]
Paul Versi
I mean, they had two of the best guys ever at a position on two out of their three levels. And. And then they had that lunatic, the guy who painted all his stuff on his face. They had. So they had like, they had three major. Fuck. There was no. Where are you going to go in that. That whole defensive zone where you're not going to run into a future fucking hall of Famer. That's one of the best to ever play the position. That's a great call.
- [105:24]
Bill Burr
The Ravens.
- [105:25]
Andrew Thelis
Dude, when we were in Vegas for the super bowl and we were in that cigar lounge and I saw Ed Reed sitting over a table from a. Smoking a cigar, I was literally like, dude, that's arguably One of the great safeties to ever live. It was nuts.
- [105:39]
Paul Versi
Yeah, no, that's. That's happened to me a couple times. One time, I was. I was in a cigar bar, and James. Lights out Tony.
- [105:48]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, yeah.
- [105:50]
Paul Versi
You know, and he. He was the. The Philly Shell, right? What do they call it? The Shell. He used to do that. Dude, all they do is amazing. They. They lean back like this, and your punch goes off of their shoulder, off their shoulder and misses your head. But my shit is like, doesn't your shoulder hurt after a while? That's still a professional boxer slugging you in the shoulder repeatedly. Anybody who had an older brother, when you watch the Philly Shell, you're kind of like, I did see here of a boxer, the way he beat it was. He just beat the shit out of the guy's arms like fucking noodles. Just a great strategy.
- [106:26]
Andrew Thelis
It's a great strategy.
- [106:29]
Paul Versi
That's one of my. My favorite things in. In sports is those boxers that you can't hit. It's just. It is mind boggling that you can be that fast, that a professional boxer, like, standing right here in front of you, just going off and you're doing. Doing all of this stuff. It's just like, how.
- [106:55]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah, they said, like, when Floyd Mayweather would do that shoulder thing, somebody had the greatest comparison. They go. It was like Mariano's cutter. You knew that that's what they were gonna do, but you just couldn't for some reason. It worked. It just worked, dude. You see that UFC guy, by the way? That UFC guy? The guy kicked his leg. They're sitting there like this, and the guy kicks his leg, and. And it was like a slap, and it just gets red and welted, and he starts limping, and then he switches up, and the guy did the same thing to his other leg, and. And he's literally, like, hobbling and then just went down and he tried getting up, and the guy goes, done. He couldn't.
- [107:31]
Bill Burr
He.
- [107:31]
Andrew Thelis
He didn't touch him up here. He just basically broke down from the knees.
- [107:35]
Paul Versi
That's the only thing that makes sense to me in the ufc, dude, if you kicked me. Like, the fact that they can have a professional fighter kick him right in this, like the Charlie Horse.
- [107:45]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah, yeah.
- [107:46]
Paul Versi
And they just take it like, dude, I would be like, that would be six months. How you doing? I'm just getting back on my feet. I'm just. And they'll take like, 15 of those per round. Yeah, I don't like those guys, those UFC fighters, boxers, professional athletes. The level of Pain.
- [108:07]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, dude.
- [108:08]
Paul Versi
Alex Pereira.
- [108:10]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah, Alec, the heavyweight guy. Alex Pereira, the guy who had. He was joking around in the gym with this. With the ufs, the woman in the UFC that does the announcing. So she got in gear, and she's like, come on, just. She goes, just give me, like, a little kick to the cap. And he's like, no, no, I don't. And she goes, no. Like, light. No, no. She goes like. And, dude, he did it. And she just goes, ow. Like, he didn't. I mean, he barely grazed her. Like, it was like he didn't even touch her. And she was just like, oh, okay.
- [108:36]
Paul Versi
Still feeling it.
- [108:38]
Andrew Thelis
Okay.
- [108:38]
Paul Versi
Yeah, she's still wearing her flats. She can't go back to the pumps yet. All right, guys, are you gonna watch Canela. Canelo Alvarez this weekend?
- [108:47]
Andrew Thelis
I watched. I'm really. I gotta be honest. Can I be honest? I'm rooting for Crawford, man. I'm rooting for. I'm rooting for Crawford. I watched the countdown to it. That guy's upbringing, you know? And I love. Don't get me wrong. Canelo earned it. But, you know, Canelo's on a quad in his house. He's like. Got the glasses, and he's just. And this guy is like, I gotta get my due, I feel. You know? But I'm gonna watch it. I got a show, but I'm gonna watch it after. All right. Before we bring in. All right.
- [109:12]
Paul Versi
We've avoided talking about what we got destroyed last week for long.
- [109:16]
Bill Burr
Dude.
- [109:17]
Paul Versi
I. And. And just. All right, I'm just gonna. I'm gonna confess my sins. I was like, kansas City didn't win that one. I tied with the Bills and the Ravens. I was like, the doll, you know? I'm thinking the Dolphins are gonna come out against the Colts. Wrong about that. And I think I blocked out the last one, so I don't know. Well, Jake the Snake.
- [109:39]
Andrew Thelis
Let's let Jake the Snake come in and give us any kind of injuries before we make our picks. Jake, do you got.
- [109:43]
Paul Versi
What?
- [109:44]
Andrew Thelis
Do you got any. Got any juice for us, Jakey?
- [109:46]
Bill Burr
Hey, how you doing?
- [109:47]
Jake the Snake
Mostly just the 49ers. George Kittle's gonna be out for a long time. They put him on the IR And Brock party's gonna be out as well, so. Saints, you know, are really bad team, but Mac Jones will be starting for the Niners. Is kind of like the biggest.
- [110:02]
Andrew Thelis
Hey, and by the way, I don't mean to cut you off, Jake, but for all our listeners, we talked about it. You guys design it. We Want an official bill. Me and themless were talking about this. I don't think we told you, but I know you're down. We want somebody to design a Jake the Snake T shirt. We want. We want Jake's face on it. We want Jake's face on it. It's got to say Jake the Snake. If we have fans to design it, we will get it made, but we have to get a Jake the Snake. Anything better T shirt, we have to do it.
- [110:31]
Paul Versi
I'll just say the fact that Jake the Snake is not up in one of those NFL booths with the headsets on talking to somebody down the field. I mean, I. That's what we had the lock. We had to give him the franchise tag to keep him on the podcast. The man knows the game. He's got a TV outside. He's been watching game film all week. He's got. He got some color on his face. I'm telling you, Jason, he saw we put our money with him out where our mouth is and that this franchise believes in him, and now he's bringing it. He's.
- [111:06]
Andrew Thelis
What I love is that he got the haircut and the tan and he goes, we're starting the season right. And he got three wins and he starts three and one.
- [111:14]
Jake the Snake
Three, One. Yeah, well, you guys got screwed on that Denver game.
- [111:18]
Bill Burr
I mean.
- [111:22]
Jake the Snake
For those that don't know.
- [111:23]
Paul Versi
Oh, with a pretty face, he's the brains.
- [111:27]
Andrew Thelis
All right. So, Jake, all we got to worry about, Brock Purdy out, but they're playing the Saints, so that's it, right?
- [111:33]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, pretty much that. Everyone seems to be relatively healthy right now, at least. Those are like the. The major injuries, you know, for like, the stars. But, yeah, that's something to think about for sure. There was something I wanted to ask you guys about the Bills game, actually. I don't know if you saw this, but the Bills cut the lead to. Or they were. They cut the lead to seven and then they kicked. So they had made the extra point, and they were. But there was a penalty, so it moved him up to the one yard line. So they decided to go for two and didn't get it. And this is the middle of the third quarter. So they were just chasing those points the entire game. They went for two more times, didn't get it. They were down two, what should have been the tie. So I don't know. What do you guys think of that philosophy to go for two?
- [112:13]
Andrew Thelis
I saw a lot of. I saw a lot of teams this week go for two and not get it for a Lot of times, like I saw a lot of missed two point conversion. You know me, dude, I, I say take the point until you mathematically have to go for two. In my opinion, I think you got to kick the extra point. That's just, I've always felt that way.
- [112:29]
Paul Versi
My opinion is it takes you three to four downs to catch it to, to, you know, get a touchdown. To score a touchdown, you go for a two point conversion, you have to score another touchdown. You have one try at it for some reason because it's only two points. People, they, they get this in their head like it's this foregone conclusion and I don't know, I get going for a two point conversion later in the game. The shit doing it in the first half. I think you just get as many easy points as you can. I like the direction there. Look at it, as many easy points as you can. And then in the end, if you're in a situation looking at the clock, how many more possessions you're going to get, then you do it. But like this whole fucking World series of poker. He's going all in. Here comes the river. Seven minutes into the game is stupid.
- [113:22]
Jake the Snake
And I'll tell you, one of the times they went for two, they were down nine. So they went for two, down nine, they didn't get it. So you're down two scores instead of one. I just couldn't believe it.
- [113:31]
Andrew Thelis
No, Bill's 100.
- [113:33]
Paul Versi
Because if you get another point there, then you could be down by eight and then touchdown and maybe then, then you go for two.
- [113:39]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, they got, they got lucky there.
- [113:41]
Andrew Thelis
Why dig a hole? Why dig a hole now? Good point, Paul.
- [113:45]
Paul Versi
Why dig a hole ever?
- [113:47]
Andrew Thelis
Why dig a hole ever?
- [113:48]
Paul Versi
I mean, life is hard enough as it is. I mean, what, what are we digging holes for? Put the shovel away. That's what I say.
- [113:53]
Andrew Thelis
What do you think? It's the first hole I dug. All right, guys, before we do our, before we do our picks, we gotta shout out our sponsor. Guys, it is BetMGM. You know that. Here's how it works with us. We have a first bet offer for everybody. You download the BetMGM app to your device and you use our code. B U R R Burr. B U R R. Very simple. You sign up, you deposit at least $10 in your BetMGM sportsbook account, place your first wager and receive up to 1500 back in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. Check the fine print for Any kind of time limits on that. But yeah, you're not getting cash. You're just getting bonus bets. And also, we have a first touchdown. So, for example, if you like Derrick Henry to score the first touchdown, what you do is you put that player, you bet the player to do that, straight up scoring first touchdown of the game. If your player scores a first touchdown, win your wager as normal. If the player scores the second touchdown, you'll get your stake back in cash. Only straight bets apply to the second chance. Any wager using bonus, using a bonus beta, bonus or other reward token is ineligible for the campaign. So there you go, guys. It is. My Bill went. Bill went first last week because he goes first on even years. So is my pick even weeks. And it is my. Yeah, even weeks. You know what I mean? And it is my pick. And guys, I'm 0 and 4. What do you want from me? You know, I got to get back on a horse. Here we go. All right. For my first pick, and I'll be.
- [115:26]
Paul Versi
Honest, I gotta get out from under the horse. Yeah.
- [115:29]
Andrew Thelis
All right. Yeah. But, dude, I actually, and I don't mean this selfishly in a weird way, I was. If you went 04 and I went 04, it made history for the show because we've never done that before. And then when you caught the half a game at the end, I was like, all right, you know what? At least. At least we didn't go 08. All right, guys, my first pick, you know, I was gonna actually. Because I want to get off the schneide. Is that the right word? I wanted to get a win early, so I was going to go packers commanders tonight. I just don't know. Dude, that is. That is a game where both teams to me, are very similar. So I'm going to lay off that game. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take the Cincinnati Bengals. I don't love the half a point, but I think that they clicked on a little bit at the end. They ended up beating. They ended up beating Cleveland. I'm gonna take the Cincinnati Bangles.
- [116:22]
Paul Versi
Why are they the Bangles? The Bengals was an all group girl group in the 80s. You always say, I'm gonna take the Bangles.
- [116:30]
Andrew Thelis
Another manic Monday. I can't wait till Sunday.
- [116:36]
Paul Versi
I was taking the Bangles. I love the Bangles.
- [116:40]
Andrew Thelis
Minus.
- [116:42]
Paul Versi
I'm gonna take some Spice Girls.
- [116:48]
Andrew Thelis
I got the Spice Girls minus eight. All right, I'll take. Yeah, I'm gonna take the Cincinnati Bengals minus three and a Half at home against the Jacksonville Jaguars.
- [117:00]
Paul Versi
All right, Paul, there's a game that I love, but it's your Giants, so I'm not gonna. That Giants plus five and a half.
- [117:09]
Andrew Thelis
Bill. I'm not touching it. I'm not touching it, so you can.
- [117:14]
Paul Versi
Well, let me, let me think about that. But there's so many other games I could pick wrong before I go to pick that one. All right. You know, it's a weird game to that Chargers, Raiders game, both coming off wins, both always their fans. I'm gonna stay away. I just, you know, one of them's gonna be two and. Oh, Paul, when's the last time the Chargers of the Raiders were two and. Oh, that's crazy. All right, I'm gonna. Here we go. Here we go. I'll give you one of these games. I can't. I, I can't. I'm, I'm gonna take the Dolphins. I'm betting against my team minus one and a half because no matter what, I'm gonna be happy. Either we get a win. I just, I, I don't know. I, I, I watched this last week. I think we're gonna hopefully go 500. It already seems like under Mike Vrabel, we're in a better direction or whatever. Dolphins are coming off a loss. We're playing down in Miami. I mean, those guys beat us once a year when we had Tom Brady, so I just figure they're gonna get us again. It's only a point and a half, Paul. I'll be honest with you, dude. I'm, I'm, I'm swinging in the dark here. Going Dolphins minus one and a half. What's that coach's name? Mike. What?
- [118:38]
Andrew Thelis
Oh. Oh, my God.
- [118:41]
Paul Versi
Mike Mori.
- [118:44]
Andrew Thelis
Mike McDaniel.
- [118:45]
Paul Versi
Mike McDaniel. I think Mike McDaniel's. I think he's gonna, he's gonna, I don't know. He's been with that team long. Rabel's still getting, we're still getting used to him, so.
- [118:56]
Andrew Thelis
All right, dude, I'm scared. I'm scared, dude.
- [118:58]
Bill Burr
I don't want to.
- [119:03]
Andrew Thelis
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take the Detroit lions at home -6 against the Bears. Detroit's coming off a really bad loss, and I think they gotta, you know, they gotta pull it out, man. They gotta win a game at home. And I think if they're still the Detroit Lions, they should win that game. The Bears aren't showing. Didn't show. Great. You know, they let the, the Vikings come back on them. I'm gonna take Detroit by less than a touchdown. Or a touchdown, if you want to call it that.
- [119:28]
Paul Versi
All right, I like that. I'm gonna take. It's just too many goddamn points. I'm just gonna take the Browns because they're getting almost 12 points, and this is the NFL and they're in the same division, and they scored 40 points against the Bills. Every's gonna be like, oh, my God, they're gonna trounce the Browns, and for some stupid reason, the Browns are gonna cover. That's the only reason why I'm doing it. Paul.
- [119:52]
Andrew Thelis
That's a great pick. That's a lot of points, dude. All right, all right.
- [119:59]
Paul Versi
One of the most lopsided victories in history.
- [120:03]
Andrew Thelis
Boy, the Ravens really figured something out. 45.
- [120:08]
Paul Versi
I think they were really upset with themselves last week, and they came out, they wanted to make a statement.
- [120:14]
Andrew Thelis
Nothing is worse than when a game.
- [120:16]
Paul Versi
Bill Burr has his head between his knees crying.
- [120:21]
Andrew Thelis
Isn't it the worst when you. When it's over, dude, I remember.
- [120:25]
Paul Versi
No, you know what the worst is? Is betting on the Kansas City Chiefs and they lose, and I gotta watch their tippy toe dinking, dunking down the field, and they still don't win. That's the worst.
- [120:35]
Andrew Thelis
I might take them, but, dude, I remember two years ago, Ari Shafir goes, hey, you want to come with me? And Ren is easy to Giants opener against the Cowboys. I'm like, yeah, yes. And like, Renazizi. I was like, dude, I'm gonna get a grill. I go to Dick's Sporting Goods. I got a grill renaissance. He's like, I'm bringing a tent. We just got. Everyone had a list. We get there, five hours. We have the greatest time in this parking lot for five hours.
- [121:00]
Paul Versi
Dude.
- [121:01]
Andrew Thelis
It was 31 to nothing, cowboys. By the second quarter, it ended up being 41 to nothing. It was over.
- [121:09]
Bill Burr
Oh, my God.
- [121:10]
Andrew Thelis
Dude, it was like when we went to tcu, Georgia. It was. Or was it tcu?
- [121:16]
Paul Versi
It was just. No, it. It couldn't have been like that. It could have been like that because we were also getting rained on in. In a stadium that sort of has a roof but not on the sides.
- [121:28]
Andrew Thelis
And we were actually drizzling.
- [121:30]
Paul Versi
It was raining sideways.
- [121:32]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah.
- [121:33]
Paul Versi
Our entire. Like, our backside was soaked.
- [121:37]
Bill Burr
It.
- [121:37]
Andrew Thelis
You know what it is? It's one of those things where it happens so quick. You're delusional. You're like, all right, this first quarter, dude, first quarter, you get two touchdowns. Right back, right back. That's what we were doing.
- [121:46]
Paul Versi
All their points early. Paul, you're gonna come back, dude.
- [121:49]
Andrew Thelis
The defense figured something out. You know, when a good, a good stop now.
- [121:52]
Paul Versi
They figured it out.
- [121:53]
Andrew Thelis
They figured it out.
- [121:55]
Paul Versi
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Bring it out.
- [122:01]
Andrew Thelis
I'm gonna take.
- [122:02]
Paul Versi
What do you got, Paul?
- [122:03]
Andrew Thelis
I'm gonna take the Pittsburgh Steelers and Aaron Rodgers. First game in Pittsburgh against the Seahawks to win by a field goal. They're feeling good after the jets game and they're home. I think the crowd's going to be into seeing Aaron Rodgers. Seahawks got Sam Darnold. I'll take the better quarterback and the better coach. I'm taking Seattle. I mean, Pittsburgh against Seattle minus three.
- [122:29]
Paul Versi
All right, I'm going to take the Commanders tonight. Getting three points against the packers just because I like, I like this game and I also like the Commanders, man. I like the direction that they're going in. They're a fun team. And I'm really happy for Washington Commander fans. They've been suffering a long time. I don't think, you know, I don't know. I know the packers are stacked, but they're in there in Lambeau once again. It doesn't make any sense. You figure the packers will easily cover it and. Yeah, you know, I'm gonna go with the Commander's ball.
- [123:05]
Bill Burr
I don't.
- [123:05]
Paul Versi
I don't even have a logical reason. I just want to watch the game tonight. I'm giving myself to watch, by the way, dude. Oh, is this gonna be one of those Amazon ones and I gotta go through 52 portholes to turn on. I was a kid. You just turned on the game and they didn't play Thursday.
- [123:26]
Andrew Thelis
No, the Commanders are really good, dude. By the way, our show. Let's be fair, Bill. Let's be fair here on anything better. Our show has pointed out some favoritism towards the Chiefs. I gotta be honest with you. Every foot minute of football I watched last week, I didn't see a ticky tack call. I thought the game against the Ravens and Bills, they let them play. Only calling blatant stuff. So so far, it's only one week so far.
- [123:49]
Paul Versi
You can thank all those people on the Internet that were calling them out for it. Yeah, I think that's what happened in the Super Bowl. They got Taylor Swift there. They got all the eyeballs. They called off the dogs. They let him play. I've said it a million times in this thing.
- [124:03]
Andrew Thelis
So you said it once and you'll say it again.
- [124:05]
Paul Versi
But this is the. But this is. You got to be careful though, with the Chiefs, Paul. Okay? Because you Got to understand, like, you know, they're still the pretty girl at the prom as far as the afc, as far as money. All right. I don't think that the NFL is a brand new believes in Lamar Jackson or Josh Allen yet. They're bridesmaids. All right. I just don't think that, you know, it's a lot with Travis Kelce and Taylor. Dana, whatever the fuck, right? There's just a lot going on there. There's a lot of eyeballs. It's a lot of money, Paul. That's a lot of money. You know, It's a lot of money.
- [124:47]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. When I looked at this list, the first game that stuck out at me and, oh, it gave me the Willys was the Chiefs getting one at home against the Eagles and then scared Paul. Owen, 4. Paul said, don't do that. Play it safe. But you want to know what? I'm the one who takes the book. I'm the one who's taking the book.
- [125:12]
Paul Versi
Okay, good. I don't like going for Paul. I like this Paul.
- [125:16]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, and forepaugh. Scared throwing check downs.
- [125:19]
Paul Versi
Owen, 4. Paul stays in his house. Take it off. Paul sits in his backyard so his neighbors hears his tears. His picks.
- [125:31]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah. Owen Forepole gets a deep call and goes, nah, Coach, why do that? Just. Let's just dunk it down. Let's get some yards. But four. And old Paul goes, we're going deep.
- [125:43]
Paul Versi
Oh, and Paul says, I have to get up early tomorrow. I shouldn't drink this.
- [125:53]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, that's great.
- [125:54]
Paul Versi
But the. Paul. I know. I'm fine. I'll be fine.
- [125:59]
Andrew Thelis
Look, if the Chiefs go Owen, two. Here's the thing. The Chiefs might be going down, Bill.
- [126:03]
Bill Burr
The.
- [126:03]
Paul Versi
The.
- [126:03]
Andrew Thelis
The era might be ending. And if the era is ending, they're going to lose this game to the team that humiliated them in the super bowl at home in week two. I'm gonna do it. You. You don't like it, do you?
- [126:14]
Paul Versi
Oof.
- [126:14]
Andrew Thelis
You just gave me.
- [126:15]
Paul Versi
I. I just. Paul, it's a business. If the Chief's error is over, what do they got? You saw them trying to sell Josh Allen last night. I'm literally looking at. On the Ravens game, they're showing me Josh Allen's wedding photos. It's like, what the do I give a about his wedding for?
- [126:33]
Andrew Thelis
They really did show the vows.
- [126:34]
Paul Versi
Doing crying. That. That, to me was the nod. They're testing, going like, okay, have we ridden this horse too far? It's a business, Paul. They're in sport. We're in sports. Gambling. Now we're in. They are a gambling sports book, sports league. You think?
- [126:52]
Andrew Thelis
If, If. Okay, Bill, if Pat Mahomes is a horse, are they taking him in the backyard with the rifle?
- [126:58]
Paul Versi
I would have to see the analytics on how football fans reacted to Josh Allen's wedding photos during the Bills Ravens game to see if they are ready to walk away from Travis Kelsey and. And Madonna, Lady Gaga.
- [127:19]
Andrew Thelis
I just picture a fat, bearded football fan. I just. I just picture a fat, bearded football fan holding a beer going. It's a beautiful picture, though, let's be honest. It's a nice wedding. It's a nice outfit.
- [127:29]
Paul Versi
You know, I was gonna root against the Bills tonight, but when I see. When I. When I know the quarterback of the other team has truly found love, you know, it's really hard for me, you know, Paul, some things are bigger than.
- [127:42]
Andrew Thelis
The game, you know, you can only. You can only guess what their first song was, you know?
- [127:49]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [127:49]
Paul Versi
Hey, if you're a single quarterback, will they show you with two strippers giving you a fucking lap dance? Will they show that fucking picture?
- [128:00]
Andrew Thelis
You just see Lamar Jackson.
- [128:01]
Paul Versi
They said they shut down all the Hooters, but he found one more independently owned in Akron, Ohio.
- [128:08]
Bill Burr
Oh.
- [128:11]
Andrew Thelis
All right, hold on. Let me just see if.
- [128:13]
Paul Versi
Shout out to Josh Allen getting married. I mean, just as a football fan, I'm so glad that they shared that with me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. All right, Paul, what do you got? You gonna bet on a K pop band here again? We're gonna say a football team this time.
- [128:31]
Andrew Thelis
I'm gonna. I'm gonna do the Chiefs getting one at home. If they go, oh, and two, they're in big trouble, I think.
- [128:42]
Paul Versi
Yeah, I. I like that pick. Just for the. You know, I'm Billy Conspiracy. Billy Conspiracy.
- [128:51]
Andrew Thelis
Is that my third?
- [128:52]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [128:54]
Paul Versi
I keep going back to that Chargers Raiders game and I just go back to who's the better quarterback, you know, I don't like that half a point, Paul.
- [129:05]
Andrew Thelis
I hate the half a point. It'll get you everything.
- [129:08]
Paul Versi
I don't like my hairline. You know, there's a lot of things I don't like. This Steelers at home, minus three. I don't like that one, Paul. I'm just swinging in the dark here. I'm just, you know, I'm just betting on games. I want to watch the Bills and the Jets. Oh, six and six and a half points. The Jets. You like, huh?
- [129:34]
Andrew Thelis
At the beginning, you said you like the Giants game. I didn't touch it. My four Picks are in.
- [129:40]
Paul Versi
Paul, I'm an AFC guy. I don't know what to tell you.
- [129:43]
Andrew Thelis
You are.
- [129:43]
Paul Versi
You are AFC guy. I'm gonna go Jets, Jets, Jets. Getting six and a half at home. Division, rivalry. Everything tells me to take those points. Six and a half at home. Bill's coming back from a wild one. I'm gonna take the Jets.
- [130:13]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, I like it.
- [130:14]
Paul Versi
This is how much confidence I have in that.
- [130:19]
Andrew Thelis
So it makes this show so fun.
- [130:21]
Paul Versi
When you take the jets and the points. That's the meme. That's great.
- [130:28]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, somebody's got to make that meme.
- [130:31]
Paul Versi
By the way, I feel like I'm gonna watch a fun game. I love the Bills. They're just a fun team to watch. I love watching the Ravens. I like watching the Eagles. Those are all fun, you know, there's a lot of fun teams out there.
- [130:41]
Andrew Thelis
Dude, how are me and you friends? Me and you are opposite in every. You're afc, I'm nfc. You're. You're Boston, I'm New York. You're light skin. I'm a little darker.
- [130:51]
Paul Versi
The overlap is we're both degenerates.
- [130:56]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah.
- [130:57]
Paul Versi
Paul, we don't read. We put way too much importance on sports. Like, we talk about sports the way people talk about politics.
- [131:10]
Andrew Thelis
No, we've had discussions on sports that you would think was, like, we were solving the world's problem.
- [131:14]
Paul Versi
No, if you, like, graph the audio and you had to guess, is this two people talking about the Gaza Strip, or are these two guys talking about the Tuck rules?
- [131:27]
Andrew Thelis
We've had discussions about quarterbacks on the phone. Like, they talking like they're in the war room in the Pentagon.
- [131:34]
Paul Versi
One of the loudest I yelled in a decade was we were talking about middleweight boxing champions in the 1980s.
- [131:40]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, God. Yep, I remember. Are you gonna watch Canelo Crawford this Saturday night?
- [131:48]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [131:49]
Andrew Thelis
Two of the last mohegans, dude. Those are two of the last great boxers. And then box here, then it's rough for boxing. Hey, after that, boxing might be.
- [131:57]
Paul Versi
What about the lock, stock, and four smoking barrels? That guy Tyson, what's his face? Isn't he. He's good for the sport, right?
- [132:05]
Andrew Thelis
Well, dude, he's. I mean, are you talking about Tyson Fury?
- [132:08]
Paul Versi
Yeah, I know he lost, but is he. No, but I think he's.
- [132:11]
Andrew Thelis
I think he's old, though, dude. Like, I don't think there's, like, a. Like, Canelo and this guy were the last guys that, like, nobody could beat and good. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure there's some young guns coming up. But, like, you know, and they hired your boy there. Boxing, hired your boy there to save it. Your boy Dana White over there, he's. He's kind of the. He's the new boxer.
- [132:32]
Paul Versi
A conflict of interest. Like, the UFC destroyed boxing.
- [132:35]
Andrew Thelis
No, dude, on. If you watch Countdown to Canelo Crawford, Dana White is a big part of it. And he goes. He goes, I grew up loving boxing more than anything. And he goes. And it just went horrible.
- [132:44]
Paul Versi
He's like, dana, I think he did box. I think he boxed it. Yeah. What happened was, was, you know, a couple of those promoters and then the independent things, and it just. It got all up. And then you had, like, there was, like, five middleweight champions, the three of them. Then you had to try to unify the title.
- [133:03]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah.
- [133:04]
Paul Versi
And then they created, like, 58 different divisions, so everybody had a title. So everything was like a title fight. And then a title fight wasn't a title fight was a big deal. And then the best guy. Yeah.
- [133:16]
Andrew Thelis
And then the best guy didn't have to fight the next best contender. In boxing, which the ufc. You have to, or you lose it. You'll lose the belt if you don't. Where in boxing, they could be like, nah, he's on steroids, but he doesn't want to lose, you know, like that.
- [133:30]
Paul Versi
Well, I'll be honest. I think, you know, if you're gonna bring it back, like, that's Dana White's the guy to do it. That's like, absolutely. That's, like, right in his wheelhouse. And it's also great if you get a guy that knows how to run that stuff. And he also has a passion, and he loves boxing. I mean, it would be. I mean, boxing before Don King and all of those guys fucked it up. It was like, some of the fighters out there and some of the fights that you saw were just incredible. It's been too long.
- [134:03]
Andrew Thelis
It's been. Yeah. Mickey Ward and Gotti. Arturo Gotti, rest his soul. Those fights were great.
- [134:09]
Paul Versi
Like, I'm going back to John the.
- [134:11]
Andrew Thelis
Beast, Mugabe, Alexis, Julio Caesar, Chavez, like, those.
- [134:17]
Paul Versi
Dude.
- [134:17]
Andrew Thelis
Even Oscar De La Hoya, like, when he was a kid, like, when he was, like, 21, 22. Like, those guys were. Dude, Manny Pacquiao.
- [134:24]
Paul Versi
Michael jokes.
- [134:26]
Andrew Thelis
Remember Pernell Whitaker, Sweet pea, Rest of soul. Yeah, dude. Floyd Mayweather Jr. And Manny Pacquiao fought nine years later than their prime. It's like, a guy like Dana White doesn't allow that. So I like that he's coming in there.
- [134:42]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [134:44]
Andrew Thelis
All right, well, we Got a Monday night special, right? What do we got, Andrew?
- [134:49]
Bill Burr
Chargers and Raiders.
- [134:51]
Andrew Thelis
Oof.
- [134:52]
Paul Versi
Oh, Bill.
- [134:56]
Andrew Thelis
Raiders coming off a win, going home.
- [134:59]
Paul Versi
Their fans are excited. Tom Brady, what do the Raiders do? What do the Raiders do consistently when their fans get excited?
- [135:09]
Andrew Thelis
I mean, I don't know. Put on a Darth Vader helmet?
- [135:13]
Paul Versi
No, they. Their fans. Both of these teams, their fans, consistently.
- [135:19]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, we got. Hold on. We got breaking news here. Jake the Snake coming in saying we got two Monday night games. We got the Bucks with Baker Mayfield playing the Texans with the lower line. And then we got the. Another rivalry with the Chargers and Raiders.
- [135:37]
Paul Versi
Dude, by the way, I gotta be honest with you. The Buccaneers and the Texans, like, that's like they play in the DMZ of football for me. I don't know anything about the NFC South. I don't know what's going on down there.
- [135:51]
Jake the Snake
They got your boy, Baker.
- [135:52]
Paul Versi
Do you know what I know about the. The Houston Texans? Paul Wall is from Houston. Oh.
- [136:03]
Andrew Thelis
I'm gonna tell you what you called it last year. You were right. We both called it. But we know Jim Harbaugh, in his second year, he got a big win against the Chiefs. Justin Herbert looked amazing. You know. You know, I love Justin Herbert again.
- [136:17]
Paul Versi
I mean, you know, I can stay healthy, Paul. I like the Chargers.
- [136:22]
Andrew Thelis
I do.
- [136:23]
Jake the Snake
Take the Chargers money line. We own the Raiders.
- [136:26]
Andrew Thelis
Oh, look at Jake the Snake coming in.
- [136:29]
Paul Versi
Whoa, whoa.
- [136:33]
Andrew Thelis
Look at that. He shoots him in the foot. He tells him to go herself. Good on you.
- [136:37]
Paul Versi
Good on you, Jake. Don't take no off. Nobody. All right, Tom Brady, you gonna take that? What's the world coming to?
- [136:46]
Jake the Snake
He's not playing.
- [136:48]
Paul Versi
I was joking with you. I was joking with you. How do I know you're joking?
- [136:54]
Andrew Thelis
What are you, maniac? You're gonna go. You're gonna go pick against the guy? Are you a maniac?
- [136:57]
Paul Versi
What are you, some kind of maniac? Maniac.
- [137:02]
Andrew Thelis
All right. Jake the Snake just made the pick of the game. We're gonna take. We're gonna take the Chargers money line.
- [137:09]
Jake the Snake
The three and a half is a little scary. I understand the half.
- [137:13]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [137:14]
Andrew Thelis
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are we dogs?
- [137:17]
Jake the Snake
Who's no. Chargers.
- [137:18]
Paul Versi
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That Chargers are favored. Take. We'll take the money line. Take Herbert to throw one.
- [137:25]
Bill Burr
Yep.
- [137:27]
Paul Versi
So there's two.
- [137:28]
Andrew Thelis
How about this? What if we do. Can we just do. Is this possible to do Chargers Moneyline, and we leave it at that? It's not bad. Or is that too much?
- [137:39]
Jake the Snake
Could go bowers over receiving yards. He's he's incredible. So, I mean, it's not a bad one for the.
- [137:46]
Andrew Thelis
It's your team. It's your team. And listen, this is your second year. You're not a rookie anymore. You get to say in this.
- [137:51]
Jake the Snake
That's right. Well, I mean, if you want to throw in some. Something from the Bucks Texans, you could do that as well. But I mean, or we could just keep it to one game, whatever you guys are feeling, because this is your Monday night special. And by the way, you forgot to mention the last week's Monday special hit. So congrats.
- [138:05]
Andrew Thelis
That's okay, dude, we're one for one.
- [138:07]
Jake the Snake
That's right.
- [138:09]
Andrew Thelis
So we might not want to get Paul.
- [138:11]
Paul Versi
Something had to hit for us last week.
- [138:13]
Andrew Thelis
I was just gonna say. I was just gonna say we didn't have a win in the winning column, but we got.
- [138:18]
Paul Versi
Oh, 7 and 1. But we won you some money on Monday. We. We lost our shirts.
- [138:24]
Andrew Thelis
All right, well, we hit the Monday night special. I like Herbert to throw one Chargers to win the game outright. And then. And then.
- [138:31]
Paul Versi
Does anybody have a picture of anybody's girlfriend or wife that's playing quarterback that night so I can help make my decision?
- [138:39]
Jake the Snake
Well, Justin Herbert is dating somebody new, so that's. Maybe I got a couple more calls on Friday.
- [138:44]
Paul Versi
Joking. I don't give a shit. Joking. I don't care what they're doing. It's none of my business.
- [138:49]
Jake the Snake
Maybe I'm trying to promote it like that.
- [138:51]
Andrew Thelis
Hey, Bill, maybe Justin Herbert's the new Mahomes. Maybe that's the guy. He's got the new girl. He's got the coach in Harbaugh. Maybe. Maybe that's where the Tide shifts. Start seeing the charges. Get those calls by the officials.
- [139:06]
Bill Burr
Who.
- [139:06]
Andrew Thelis
Who's the.
- [139:06]
Bill Burr
Who's the.
- [139:07]
Paul Versi
Jake, who's the last pick here? Because I gotta get on with my day.
- [139:10]
Andrew Thelis
Yeah, yeah. Who's the last. Who's the running back?
- [139:12]
Paul Versi
Jake.
- [139:14]
Jake the Snake
Both teams have rookie running backs. I'm not too, too familiar with both, but the Raiders have a great tight end. Maybe we could take him over receiving yards or something. What's. What's his total? Andrew? There it is. Actually, it's not on there. I don't know why they're not showing them.
- [139:34]
Andrew Thelis
What about the first thing you said? Bowers? You want to just do Bowers?
- [139:37]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, that's what I was looking for. It's not showing it on the screen, but whatever that number is.
- [139:41]
Andrew Thelis
All right, so now let's just do this.
- [139:43]
Paul Versi
Let's just.
- [139:44]
Andrew Thelis
Do you want to Do Bowers or Herbert to throw two. You know what?
- [139:50]
Jake the Snake
Let's keep a Herbert throw, too. I don't want to.
- [139:52]
Andrew Thelis
You know what? If Herbert throws two, it's better odds. So we're gonna do the charges to win. Justin Herbert to throw two touchdowns. Hey, listen, we're 10 on the Monday Night Special, so there you go.
- [140:01]
Paul Versi
All right.
- [140:01]
Andrew Thelis
There you guys have it. Andrew, I like that.
- [140:03]
Paul Versi
That was outside. Paul Versi. That wasn't owing for Versi. Okay.
- [140:08]
Andrew Thelis
All right. You know better than me because I'm still on. I'm still shaky.
- [140:12]
Paul Versi
No, no, no. I liked it. I liked it. You like.
- [140:15]
Bill Burr
You.
- [140:15]
Paul Versi
You. You got your swagger back. I like it.
- [140:17]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [140:17]
Jake the Snake
He says don't mess around with the Rangers.
- [140:18]
Bill Burr
Just.
- [140:19]
Jake the Snake
Just stick with the.
- [140:21]
Andrew Thelis
I have. I have Cincinnati, Detroit, Pittsburgh and Kansas City. And, Bill, you have the Jets.
- [140:31]
Paul Versi
Jets. I got the Dolphins. I got the Browns. I got problems, Paul. And then. Who else should I take? There was another. Oh, Commanders. I got the Commanders.
- [140:45]
Andrew Thelis
Got two afc, two, NFC tonight. There you go, guys. That is our show for week two. Hopefully we do better for you this week than we did last week. But even if we don't settle down, it's early. There you go. Use our code for the offer that we have. It is B R R burr. You deposit $10 in and you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, it kicks in after your initial wager and the first touchdown offer. You choose a player to get the first touchdown of a game and you win. If that player doesn't get the first touchdown but gets the second, you'll get your cash. You'll get your stack back. As we always say, have fun with this bet responsibly. Enjoy your football Sunday and let's see if anything better can turn this puppy around. We will see you next week. Monday night special. Chargers. Justin Herbert to throw two. See you guys next week.