Crosswalks, Weighted Vests, Back-Up Noises | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-25

Summary

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Monday Morning Podcast: “Crosswalks, Weighted Vests, Back-Up Noises”

Host: Bill Burr
Date: August 28, 2025
Episode Focus: Bill Burr rants hilariously about pet peeves in daily life, fitness trends, sports, weed legalization, social commentary, and the absurdities of American culture—with the usual blend of observational wit, frustration, and self-awareness.

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Episode Overview

This episode finds Bill Burr in prime “rant” mode, riffing on everything from the etiquette of crosswalk usage to modern gym fashion, dog-friendly baseball games, and the corporate take-over of weed and mushrooms. Alongside these everyday grievances, Bill delivers pointed observations on America’s political and social landscape, consumer trends, and “free T-shirt mentality.” Fans get plenty of classic Burr: curmudgeonly, incisive, self-mocking, and consistently funny.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Crosswalk Etiquette and Public Annoyance

[00:14–02:51]

• Bill starts off venting about people who dawdle in crosswalks:
  • He recounts following slow walkers at a crosswalk and his inner monologue spiraling into frustration and concern for the drivers waiting on them.
  • Illustrates how small social slights can turn into imagined scenarios—projecting his anger onto drivers and questioning his own overreactions.
  • Quote:

    "When you're in a crosswalk and somebody stops their car and they're nice enough not to kill you, what you need to do is get from point A to point B in a safe, quick manner."
    (Bill Burr, 01:09)

• Recognizes sometimes the annoyance is entirely his own manufacture.

2. The Corporate Takeover of Weed (and Mushrooms)

[03:13–04:33]

• Bill riffs on how legalized weed has become corporatized—no longer authentic, but infused with “corporation’s greed.”
• Warns comedically about what will happen to mushrooms when they’re legalized:
  • “Soulless CEO cunts are going to destroy it... going to genetically alter it, and they're gonna ruin it.”
    (Bill, 03:25)
• Satirical connection between dodging real issues (“poisoning the food supply”) in favor of scapegoating immigrants or other minor problems.

3. Gym Trends: Ellipticals, Treadmills, & Weighted Vests

[06:54–09:36]

• After a rough night of standup and more crosswalk frustration, Bill heads to the gym.
• Bemoans the fickleness of gym culture, as everyone abandons ellipticals for treadmills based on new fitness trends.
  • Describes ellipticals as “like a bald ginger on prom night, just sitting there, home alone.”
    (Bill, 07:58)
• Mocks the rise of weighted vests as a substitute for actual parenthood:
  • “Instead of walking around carrying a child, they don't want that responsibility, but they want the cardio... So they just put a weighted vest on.”
    (Bill, 08:40)
• Recognizes his mood is unwarranted: “I am in a mood. I'm sorry, people. This has nothing to do with any of these people.”

4. Baseball Promotions: Dogs, Bobbleheads, and Smoking

[10:22–13:00, 21:31–23:20]

• Shares delight at a “bring your dog” promotion at a Baltimore Orioles game, lamenting the lack of fun/quirky promotions these days.
• Pokes at America’s obsession with bobbleheads.
  • “People love bobbleheads. If I was on Shark Tank... I'd look at that and be like, that has got to be the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life.”
    (Bill, 11:21)
• Proposes in jest a “Cigar Day” or “Smoking Day” at ballparks and muses why vice indulgence is policed while sports crowds can still behave badly.

5. LA Car & Parking Culture

[12:28–13:53]

• Observes the car-centric insanity of LA—lack of parking, oversized SUVs, and the daily frustrations they generate.
  • “All it is, is about driving your car. And everywhere you go, you have to drive your car, and there's no parking spots.”

6. Music & Motivation

[28:06–29:04]

• Shares his “elliptical playlist”—a string of hard-hitting, aggressive tracks (Queens of the Stone Age, Mars Volta, Tool, Killing Joke).
  • Offers a slice of nostalgia and personal taste for fans.

7. Social Commentary: Microchips, Free T-Shirts, and Political Cynicism

[47:27–54:02]

• Expounds on the public’s willingness to accept microchips from employers (“I got chipped!”) in exchange for free soft T-shirts, linking it to mass compliance and corporate power.
• Discusses public gullibility, the illusion of freedom, and social control through convenience and consumerism.
• Rants against the “lunatics at the top” and the “believers” at the bottom.
• Entertainingly connects toll booth automation (EasyPass) to the broader theme of technological/corporate overreach.

8. Weekly Advice: Nostalgia, Neighbor Headaches, and Political Rants

[58:18 & on]

• Tackles questions about ’90s nostalgia, buying a first home in an “old” community, HOA drama, and workplace political correctness.
• Offers advice with Bill’s characteristic bluntness and humor:
  • “They just believe. You know why? Because they're fucking good people out there. That's how you get the general masses. Fear and free T-shirts.”
• Dives into 2016 DNC primary rigging controversies in a conversational, skeptical tone—texts Jimmy Dore for fact-checking.

9. Memorable Burr-isms and Rants

[Throughout]

• Mini-rants on gym fashion (“I’m not gonna come in there dressed like an X-Man”), animal lovers (“When’s the last time you met a cool animal lover?”), and the chronic lack of self-awareness in others and himself.
• Blunt self-reflection: “This is just Billy tits today. 100%… I own up to being an asshole, so then I feel like it gives me the right to be an asshole.” (13:53)
• Comedy confessions about bombs, dark jokes, and the relief of playing music or doing cardio while sober.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On crosswalk etiquette:

  "If you are a healthy human being...shut the fuck up and cross the street." (01:22)

• On corporate weed:

  "It's not weed anymore. It's weed infused with corporations' greed." (03:16)

• On weighted vests vs. children:

  "Ask not what a child can do for you. Ask how much a weighted vest is." (09:06)

• On LA parking:

  "LA is all about your car. There's no public transportation...and if there is, they're starting to build it, but there's nothing out here. All it is, is about driving your car, and everywhere you go you have to drive your car, and there's no parking spots." (12:47–12:59)

• On public compliance:

  "How do you get the general masses? Fear and free T-shirts." (50:21)

• On bobbleheads:

  "If I was on Shark Tank...I'd look at that and be like, that has got to be the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life." (11:21)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Crosswalk rant & frustration – 00:14–02:57
• Corporate weed, food supply, social scapegoats – 03:13–04:33
• Gym culture, ellipticals, weighted vests – 06:54–09:36
• Dog night at the ballgame, bobbleheads – 10:22–13:00
• Parking, SUVs, LA car culture – 12:28–13:53
• Musings on “bring your dog/cigar day” at the ballpark – 21:31–23:20
• Social media, football, and marital negotiations – 16:58–17:24
• Aggressive workout playlist & music tastes – 28:06–29:04
• Deep-dive: microchips, social control, gullibility – 47:27–54:02
• Advice & Q&A on nostalgia, housing, politics – 58:18 onward

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Closing: Tone and Style

Bill’s signature tone prevails: sharp, unfiltered, and self-aware—balancing acerbic rants with moments of personal reflection, empathy, and self-deprecation. As always, he invites listeners to laugh at the absurdities of life, society, and himself, all while taking them for a wild ride across topical headlines, mundane aggravations, and unsparing social critique.

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Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? How are ya?

Jesus Christ. I'm sitting here in a parking garage doing my podcast here. My temper is back. But, but I'm aware of it. And, and, and, and, and I'm. I'm trying to do what I need to do to. To get it back down, you know, so I don't go full fucking me again, you know, so I'll give you an example. I went out to breakfast with my lovely wife this morning. So we're waiting in the crosswalk, and there's these two ladies in front of us. So we get into the, you know, the people stop. We get in the crosswalk and we're walking behind him, and they're just lolly. Gagging, shooting the. And it's just. I've been that person in the, in the car.

It's like when you.

When you're in a crosswalk and somebody stops their car and they're nice enough not to kill you, what you need to do is get from point A to point B in, In.

In a.

A safe, quick manner.

Okay, I get it.

You have a cane. You can take a while, all right? But if you are a healthy human being, shut the up and cross the street.

You know what I mean? They just did you sitting there just like at.

Sunday stroll across the street, shooting the. And I'm behind him with my wife. And I know that I'm not the only person that gets annoyed with that. And now it's like you're dragging me in to your lollygagging. It's like, you know, you ever go to a restaurant with somebody and they start bitching about the food, you know, and it's like, bro, they're making my food too.

Like, I'm with you.

Like, they're gonna spit on my stuff, too.

That was like the crosswalk version.

It's like, if you ladies don't pick.

Up the pace and not act like.

You'Re running the country.

You don't know what these people are going through that are sitting there in their cars. What if they get mad and they.

Just, like, today's the day they finally snap and they can't handle one more pair of yoga pant. It's, you know, what, what are they.

How many people who wear yoga pants.

Actually are on their way or coming from a yoga class, just walking around with your clam outline for whatever Reason it's like Reverse MC Hammer pants. And you're sitting there just shooting the breeze like these people waiting, have all the time in the world, and then I'm behind you.

So by time, they hit the gas.

To run you over that, you know.

I'm in front of their car. Or here's something else.

Maybe I built that whole scenario up in my head and projected that all onto the people in the cars. Maybe they didn't care, you know, maybe they. They. They. You know, they ate a. They ate some corporate weed. I love this whole thing that weed is legal. It's not weed anymore.

It's.

It's. It's weed infused with corporation. Corporations greed. That's the worst thing that's ever going to happen to mushrooms. The day mushrooms become legal, what these soulless CEO cunts are going to do to one of the only things. It's just natural healing powers of mushrooms. They're going to destroy it. They're going to genetically alter it, and they're going to take control of it, and they're gonna ruin it. And you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna go down to Home Depot and deport somebody who's trying to build your back porch, you know, for, like, no money. That's what we're gonna. That.

That's. That's where we're starting. You want to fix this country? Let's. Let's not get to the people who.

Are poisoning your children with the food supply. Nah, nah, it's. That's okay, because they're.

It doesn't count.

You can literally commit a terrorist act.

Poisoning the food supply of your own.

People, and that is fine.

But God forbid you snuck into the country, you know, with a, you know.

A toolbox, you know, and you want to fix somebody's fender anyway.

That's how you fix the problem. You know, a tornado comes in and knocks down your house, what's the first thing you do? You go out and you buy a new toaster. We'll deal with the house later. Our biggest problem is we don't have.

A toaster right now. Anyway, I did a show last night. Did not go well.

I was just off.

I wasn't vibing with the crowd, and it was at least 87% my. My problem. But I did. I did get a couple of new ones out. Oh, my God. I had one of the fucking darkest jokes. I've written two of those this year, and I just quit after a while. There's always a couple of really damaged people in the crowd. Howling, laughing at it. And everybody else is like, ooh, oh, I'm sorry that happened to you, or whatever the fuck it is. But anyway, I saw some. Some buddies of mine last night, so that was cool. And now I just have to. I gotta. I gotta go to the gym. I gotta get whatever. Whatever the it is that's making me annoyed with people the way they. They use a crosswalk. So I drove over to my gym right after. After the lollygaggers, and this fucking guy walks in front of my truck. You know, I came up fast. I was coming in hot, not gonna lie to you, you know, put on the brakes a little harder than I had to. Cause I had to stop. And I let the guy go. And he looks at me, and then he gets in front of my truck and he looks at me again. And then he gets past my truck and he looks at me again. And I'm just like, what the fuck are you looking at?

Like, what the fuck are you look. Like. The fuck are you looking at? Like, how fucking hard is it to just cross the street? You saw how fast I came. I'm in a hurry for no reason, but at least respect that. Three looks. Fucking three looks. Just look. What the are you looking at? This is where I am. This is why I should not have.

Two cups of coffee before 10am I am flying. No, I don't. I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get on the elliptical. And I love the elliptical. I've always loved the elliptical. It was love at first sight. It's running without damaging your knees. It's just wearing out your hips.

That's all. You know, let's.

Let's change the joint. You know, that I'm wearing out, so. And now there's all this new information out there about, like, you know, if you get it on elliptical because of the heart rate, you're actually building muscles.

All this, right?

So now they're telling people, what do you need to do? You need to get on a treadmill and walk at a slight incline. So what all these cunts, do they walk away from the elliptical, okay? And I've always been a big fan of your dance with Hooper on you, right? And they all walked away because all of a sudden the treadmill. The treadmill's the hot chick at the gym now. So now all the cunts go over to the treadmill. Can't get a.

You'd not be able to get an elliptical now.

The elliptical's sitting there like, you know, like yesterday's news you know, like a bald ginger on, on prom night, just sitting there, home alone. Home alone, right. But I love it, you know, because I, I, I show up to the gym, okay, dress like Rocky Balboa. I go gray sweatpants in white T shirt. That's, that's what I do. I'm not, I'm not gonna go come in there dressed like a X man. You know, I'll tell you another big thing that's come back. The weighted vest. A lot of people out here have weighted vests in lieu of actually having a child. Instead of walking around carrying a child, they don't want that responsibility, but they want the cardio of having a kid. So they just put a weighted vest on themselves and then they go for a walk.

And, you know, with the overpopulation of the world, I gotta tell you, I respect that. You know, ask not what a child.

Can do for you. Ask how much a weighted vest is. Weighted vest.

Like how many pounds do you need.

To put in there before you can, you could eat donuts. Just lay off the donuts walking around. Why don't you just get a chimpanzee and put it on your back, you dumb cunt. I am in a mood. I'm sorry, people. This has nothing, I, this has nothing to do with any of these people. Like, who gets mad because somebody's wearing a weighted vest?

I will, I, I, you know, out of all the I bitched about, I.

Do stand behind looking at me three times in the crosswalk with your stupid in ears, those dumb white straw things that everybody has.

You feel better, Bill?

No, I don't.

All right, let's keep going. What else is happening? I was watching the.

I'm a 57 year old man sitting in a car alone in a parking lot doing a podcast.

Oh, what's that guy?

He's got a nice motorcycle there. Anyway, is that the actual paint job or is that a wrap?

I was watching the Red Sox last.

Night, you know, also playing with my kids. So I was kind of in and out with the game and all of a sudden they were just focusing on this dog. And I'm like, oh, wow, look at that. Somebody brought a product, a dog to the ball game.

You know, must be, it must be a service dog.

Or maybe somebody gets emotionally scared past the seventh inning, so they need, they need the emotional support of a lopsa opsa, whatever the you call lopsa apso. And it turned out it was a pro promotional night. The Baltimore Orioles had bring your dog night. And the only deal was like, for every dog you brought, they. You had to buy a certain amount of tickets or something like that. I've never seen a promotion like that in my life. And it made me really happy. I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid. They used to have, like, all of.

The, you know, they always stuck with the bobblehead.

The bobblehead. And, you know, I don't understand those things. I don't understand why people collect bobbleheads and then why people go on ebay and then go and try to purchase vintage bobbleheads. I don't know what it is, but people love bobbleheads. Like, if I was on Shark Tank, if I was one of those heartless CEOs that likes to take advantage of upand cominging talent and take control of their ideas and then them out of money like they do on that show. If I was on that thing and somebody came in with a bobblehead, I would look at that and be like, that has got to be the dumbest I've ever seen in my life. That is right up there with like, the Pet rock and the Hula hoop, both which were successful. Hula hoop, I. I have always maintained is stupid. It's just something for people to. I don't know what to do. Oh, Jesus Christ. Now this guy's staring at me. Jesus Christ.

Like, what?

What? What?

What? Exactly. Oh, you know why?

Because I'm doing a podcast in a car. Maybe that's what it is. Oh, look at this poor bastard. There's no parking spots left, buddy. I hate to tell you.

There's none left. I've been down there. Turn around. It ain't gonna work out for you. See that? And that's my thing.

He's gonna go all the way down there and have the LA experience. LA is all about your car. There's no public transportation. There's a. They're starting to build it, but there's nothing out here. All it is is about driving your car.

And.

And everywhere you go, you have to drive your car and there's no parking spots. And if they are, they're all for, like, compact cars. And everybody, meanwhile, is driving these giant fat SUVs. So this poor cunt's gonna go down there with his giant suv, there's gonna be no place to park, and then he's gonna come out and he's gonna, you know, have to stop at the stop sign and, you know, and then there's gonna be two people with their lip yoga pants on lollygagging in Front of his car, just rolling the dice. Rolling the dice that he's not gonna run up and over those yoga pants and your insides are gonna squirt out your mouth like toothpaste. Oh, Jesus, Bill, that was graphic.

Well, you know, these SUVs are big. I like that one.

Look at that one. I like that silver. Jesus Christ. That a. What is that? Is that a Volvo? Jesus Christ, buddy, learn how to drive. Do you know when I was on my way over here, this is just Billy tits. Today I'm 100% like, you know, I'm doing that thing where I own up to being an asshole. So then I feel like it gives me the right to be an asshole. I always wondered who listened to that song. I guess it's that person that per. This person has an 80% chance of having a tribal tattoo listening to that. Remember all that fucking late 90s white guy music? It wasn't rock, it wasn't rap, it wasn't grunge. What was that music called? Everybody had a number in their band name. That weird time right around, I think when Carson Daly first started and like rap was taking over is mainstream. And then you had like the rock rap. And then you had these other bands, they just were sort of like, I don't know what they were like. I said it wasn't rock, it wasn't rap. Okay, now I'm looking at the. I was 100 wrong. No tribal. No tattoos. Forget about no tribal tattoo. Can you believe. Can you believe that I was wrong again? And he has a gay pride T shirt on. Could not have been more wrong. All right. I mean, something I about has to be right.

Right?

I always use this as a reference. Remember that Mel Gibson conspiracy theory? He was a cab driver and he was paranoid about everything. And like most of the he was wrong about, but like one of the things he was right about, one of the things I'm bitching about. Come on, Bill. You know, it all comes back to you and what a you are. All right, all right, I'll give you that. Anyway. Oh, Billy Freckles is going to be doing some shows out here in la. Sure you don't want to go see one after this 15 minutes of bitching. But I got some shows coming up that I will be announcing probably this weekend. I've gotten off social media. Can't you tell? It's really affected my mood in a positive way. But college football starts on Saturday, I think.

Lsu, Clemson.

Are they playing Clemson? I don't know.

Right out of the gate.

Lsu, I think. They're ranked ninth in Clemson's three.

Is that right? Is that what I saw? I saw. I saw it really quickly.

I saw it really quickly. And my wife's hilarious. They can just smell opening day of football. They can just smell it.

She goes, hey, I have an idea for Saturday.

And I literally gave her a death stare.

And she's like, what?

I go, college football starts on Saturday. And then she smiles at me. She goes, can you tape the game? And I said, no, I can't. She goes, all right. And then I felt bad and I said, all right, I'll take the game. But she hasn't brought it up again. So anyway, we got that going for us. Oh, I didn't even finish it.

So.

It was bring you a dog day. I know, I know. Two cups of coffee all over the place.

There was.

It was bring a dog day to the ballpark. I mean, that's amazing. But the only thing that would suck was then you'd have to deal with, like, animal lovers.

You know what I mean?

Like, when was the last time you met a cool animal lover? Like, who doesn't love animals?

But then they just.

Somehow they.

They just.

They. I don't know what it is. Like, I love animals, but, you know, I keep it to myself. I don't stand there with a table and a ribbon on my T shirt and start yelling at people when they go by because I love animals. It's just like, go love.

Go love your animal. Like, what is the problem?

Oh, I support this move. I support this move. Are you creating a parking spot? Do it. Do it.

Nice.

Look at this fucking guy. Oh, that's fantastic.

That's right. There's. What?

Is there a meter made down here? Good for you. There you go. That's what makes this country great.

You don't have what you need.

You just fucking make it. There was no parking spot, and this guy just said, oh, yeah, or maybe it's a lady. I think that's a woman, judging by that car. All right, gotta grab all my iPads and iPhones. The door is opening, and it is. Oh, my God, it's a man. I have not been right about a thing today. Cargo shorts. I mean, I could not have been. This is why I never got into lawn for, you know, like, you ever see those things where they. You know, they have, like, the pieces of yarn, you know, it's stringing from this guy to that guy, or they're, like, trying to catch a serial killer, trying to, like, find a trend. I would just be sitting there as quiet as I was in, like, geometry class, like, I, I, yeah, I got, again, I got nothing. I. I be cheating off other people's papers.

All right, let me.

Let me read some advertisement here for the week.

Oh, Tesla's backing up. Can you hear it?

A bunch of people sat in a boardroom, and they made a choice.

They had to make a decision on.

The noise the car would make at the Tesla factory when it backs up.

You know, the first one was beep, beep, beep, beep.

And they were all like, oh, it's, like, so played out. Come on.

You know, one of the things, you.

Know, we're supposed to be disruptors. All right, what if it went. You know, I don't think that's the.

Noise, but I like that little statico thing you're doing that, you know, and maybe it was bring a dog day.

Bring a dog to work day at.

Tesla, and some dog wanted to go outside or something like that.

They said, that's the sound. That's the sound.

Do you drink ketamine?

How does that work?

That just sounds like some cold brew.

It's like heroin meets cold brew.

Is that what ketamine is? Oh, you know what?

You're welcome for this podcast.

This.

This podcast has to be making you feel better about yourself.

You know, as much as you woke.

Up today thinking you're up. Come on. I had to make you feel a little bit better, right? Anyway, I got a. I got a good. I have a good baseball promotion. How about you have, like, could you have, like, cigar day? Like, if you sit out in the bleachers, you can, like, smoking day, you.

Know.

And they just have like, some sort of, like, like, take Yankee Stadium, you know, where, of course, like, they've always had ballparks. The Yankees, like, they're such, like, they always, like, build a ballpark that's always like, you know, they build it around.

A player like Babe Ruth, really, you know, hits a lot of home runs to right field. All right, well, let's make a fence that's as high as somebody's the back of their knees, right? They wrote they've always been doing like that. So now they have that wiffle ball park that they play in.

So obviously the wind blows out.

So why can't you just have all.

The cigar smokers in a ballpark like that, know, just, you know, sitting out there? Do you know why they built the ballpark like that? I think that they feel like the home run record is theirs, and they knew that, you know, they needed. They needed to get the home run record back from Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds. So I think they built a ballpark for a Yankee to play in.

You know, 81 games out of the.

Year to play in a wiffle ball park. Yes.

That is a Honda with a high performance exhaust on it.

I don't know if you could.

Did you hear the performance of that thing?

I don't know about you guys, but I. I was impressed.

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Let's do the reads here for the week.

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Hymns.

All right, all right, back to the podcast. Yes, you could have, like, cigar Day. You know, can somebody just. What. What if they had, like, dog and cigar day? You can bring your dog to a game. You could smoke a stick and you could enjoy yourself. You. How come you can't do that? You know why? Because they want to make a ton of money and they want families to go there. That's what it is. That's why you can't be drunk anymore. It's kind of a weird thing, like, how much you have to, like, you can't indulge in any vice. But, like, the, the crowd behavior is like, I find it to be worse. But I'm also out in California, which I think has the worst sports fans as far as behavior in the country. I don't know why they always go to Philly. I'm telling you, out here on the west coast, it, like, can happen and you're dead.

Like, you could potentially die at a.

Game, get stabbed, get booted in the head until you. And it's just.

And then all they do with it. Hey, in Philly, they threw snowballs at Santa Claus. You know, I'm not trying to escalate what Philly's doing, but I'm just saying I would rather get yelled at by.

Philly fans than, you know, be out.

Here at a preseason football game and get stabbed. I mean, it's just. It's insane. It is insane. Anywho, what I'm really trying to say is I'm looking forward to getting on.

The elliptical today, listening to my Muzak.

What am I listening to these days? You want to hear what my cardio. This is my cardio. This is my cardio. You know, like when chicks do the. My wife does it too.

The get ready with me.

This is. Come on the elliptical with a 80s former. 80s gym rat. All right, this is it right here. Misfit love, Queens of the Stone Age. Feel good, Hit of the Summer.

Queens of the Stone Age.

No one knows Queens of the Stone Age.

Songs for the Dead.

Queens of the Stone Age, Right? Get that out of the way. Becerra Eyes, the Mars Volta, Vicarious Tool, the Death and Resurrection Show, Killing Joke.

And then that's 42 minutes and I'm done.

All right. Killer drums throughout, aggressive music. Every once in a while, it comes.

Down for a little reflective moment, and then it goes right back to aggressive music. That's how I do it.

That's how I keep my freckle tits.

From spilling down into my lap.

All right.

I'm actually going to think about you guys at this point and actually end this podcast.

God bless you.

Somebody sneezing over there. He's got Covid 21. You guys hear about that? It's coming in from Korea. I read it online. It's got to be true. All right, that's it. That's the podcast, everybody. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Femelis, followed by a bonus episode with Thursday afternoon just before the Friday Monday morning podcast.

And that's it.

Have a great weekend.

You can stop. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. What is it? August 28, 2017. What's going on? What's up? Sorry, it was obnoxious. I understand, I understand. But I got to make the lady shut it off first, right? Oh, my God. Who is this guy yelling? Why would you want to listen to that? When you could see, when you could just sit and watch reality television with myself, Listen to a bunch of broads fucking yelling at each other. It's unreal. It's unreal. My wife watches that shit all the time. All the fucking time. You come home and it's just like. It's like they live with us, you know what I mean? Me and my wife, we get along great, you know, but you wouldn't know it. Walking up the fucking front walk to the house. You hear, like, five women screaming at each other. You know, it's just like, well, are we hosting the Jerry Springer Show? What's going on? And you open the door and she's watching the Real Housewives of who Gives a Fuck? The Real Housewives of Trenton, the Real Housewives of Dayton, Ohio, Wherever the hell they are. Wherever they are. Whatever city they're in. The Real Housewives, they got fake tits, they got big ass fucking. They got ass injection lips. They got the fucking Botox. It's unbelievable. No matter where they are, real Housewives, Grand Rapids. Like there's not going to be some Hollywood shit going there. It is. Why is everybody walking around acting like there's some aging actress, you know what I mean? And they somehow they have to look good for. What the fuck are you looking? You're a 50 year old mom. Just be a mom. Relax. It's over. You landed a guy, he knocked you up. All the laws are in your favor. For God's sakes, go have a fucking piece of pie and go smoke a camel. I don't understand what the fuck. These fucking spaghetti strapped women, you know, the stupid. They're still wearing the tag tops, you know what I mean? Jesus Christ. With the fucking tired skin showing. What are you doing? Trying to compete with your daughter? What are you doing? Good, take a page out of my book. Just fucking, just give into it. Hair starts falling out, fucking shave it. Your legs are too white, Put some pants on, your guts getting too big. Start wearing sport coats on stage. These are the. This, this. That's the classy way, that's the classy way to just gracefully, you know, go from being young into your middle aged into just being old. That's what you do. Then you get an old man hat, right? You start puttering around, you make funny little jokes. Everybody loud. Look at him. Look at that old guy still making jokes. That's what you do. You don't get chemicals shot into your fucking face, you know, and enhance your fucking tits. Like what are you trying to do? You're trying to give some 60 year old a hard on? I don't understand what these women are doing. It was funny. I didn't even want to talk about this shit. I just, I don't know why that just came out. It just did. All right. I had a wonderful show last night. A wonderful show. I was at the Cape Cod Melody melody tent, if I could say it, which is such a special place for me to do stand up. Because the one and only time I ever saw the great George Carlin live was at the Cape Cod Melody tent. And I am embarrassed to say I saw him in 1988 and me and this other guy went to go see him to laugh at him because my buddy had me convinced that he had stopped writing and that he was still doing 20 year old bits. So we were going to go see him as a joke, if you can. This is how fucking stupid I was. One of the most prolific comedians of all fucking time. So we show up to laugh at this guy and within two seconds we were just on the fucking Floor laughing. And the guy hit his brand new 90 fucking minutes. And we were driving home like he. He wasn't doing more stuff. He wasn't doing fucking. Like that's how dumb I was. I did a lot of dumb shit back then. I went to some comedy shows and I was literally the person in the crowd. I wasn't heckling or anything. You know what I mean? Although one time I did heckle Don Rickles just because I wanted to have an interaction with him and I knew that I wasn't gonna meet him. You know, I saw him at a casino about four years ago, and I waited till his encore. And he came out in the encore and he was just doing his jokes, doing his jokes. And I was way in the back. He was playing this giant room. I was way in the back and I just went, donny. He didn't say anything. Kept doing his jokes, kept doing his jokes. I waited like another three minutes and I went, donny. And he just looked out to where I was sitting. He goes, yeah, I know my name made that fucking Rickles face. And I was with Bartnik and he fucking elbowed. He goes, he heard you, he heard you. And that was it. You know, I broke a major rule of engagement there with fucking as a stand up comedian. I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. I could have helped myself. You know what? Let's be honest. Why don't we just be honest, okay? Now that that stupid fucking fight is over, can we all just be honest with ourselves here? I'm a selfish person, and rather than accepting the fact that I wasn't going.

To get an interaction with them, I.

Had to do that because I'm a selfish cunt, okay? And, you know, now can we all be honest about what went on Saturday night? I gotta be honest with you. I have not even seen highlights of it. I didn't fucking watch it. I actually came home and was staying with some relatives here in Boston who also didn't get the fight because they're sane people. They're like, yeah, it's just, you know, he's. Floyd's gonna carry him for a couple of rounds that he's gonna finish him. And then they're both, you know, they're not gonna really fuck each other up and they're both gonna leave with a boatload of money. Isn't that what's going on here? Yeah, isn't there some guy, Alvarez, who's actually a fucking modern day champion or some shit like that coming up? Anyway, we'll spend the money on that. We'll spend the money on that fucking thing, whatever.

That boxing match.

I don't know shit about boxing, but I do know Lyle Alzado vs Muhammad Ali when I fucking see it. So, I mean, a better version of.

It, I should say.

But anyways, we actually watched Wicked Tudor. I have such mixed emotions when I watch those fishing shows. You know, I got this love of animals, but I also love tuna, you know, I'm an environmentalist who loves crab, you know, king crab. Who the doesn't love that? I mean, that's just. It's tremendous. So when they're sitting there talking about how it's all fished out and they can't find any and that type of stuff, you know, it's not that we should stop crabbing. There should just be less fucking people that they have to fight it for, you know, so, you know, I don't know, I always have all these fucking ideas of how to, you know, trim down the population. And of course I'm never part of the problem, right? As those. As most mass murdering maniacs, you're never part of the problem. Like Hitler, I'm sure when he looked in the window, the window, looked in the mirror, right? And was brushing his teeth, right? I'm sure that he saw a blonde haired, blue eyed person instead of seeing what he truly was, which was the runt of the litter, you know what I mean? But the guy had heart and he fucking overcame what the fuck he looked like to achieve his dream. You know, granted he was out of his fucking mind, but I mean, that alone should have just. He should have been. If he wasn't so crazy, he would have been, well, look at me, I'm fucking ugly as shit and look what I've achieved. You know, what if somebody who looks like me actually had a good heart, imagine what they would achieve. Isn't that. What. How fucking lunatic. How much of a fucking lunatic is that guy? They're like, you know, my dream came true and I played the Cape Cod melody tent telling jokes. His dream came true and fucking, you know, tens of millions of people died. That was literally his dream. You know, like, imagine if he never did his right, and he just lived a regular life and then all of a sudden, God for. Well, I can't even say God forbid it's him. I just naturally say God forbid when I talk about terminal disease. Adolf Hitler, right? Doesn't fucking, you know, somebody bought his paintings or some, right? So he just doesn't go down that road. Now he's Just, you know, some regular guy and then he has like, he gets some terminal illness and for some reason make a wishes back then. And they go, what? What is your dream? What is your wish? And then he. And then he really. You're going to make my wish come true? This is what we do, Adolf. We make sure you die with a smile on your face. What is your dream? And he would have laid there, you know, telling the guy to come a little bit closer. What do you want to do? I want to exterminate all of the Jews. That's what he would have said. And what a fucking quagmire that Make a Wish would have been in, huh? They would have had to have. They would have to. Hey, hang on a second. They'd have to step out in the hall going, what do we do here?

I mean, you know, we just kind.

Of made a broad statement that we.

Make dreams come true.

We didn't clarify it.

Like.

Do you want to stand out here long enough? Maybe he'll fucking die of the disease. I mean, our whole reputation's on the line, right? And then all of a sudden, Make a Wish gets dragged into it, gets dragged into the madness of this man. And they're no longer looked upon as this wonderful organization that they are, right? Which takes in millions and millions of dollars, right? And God knows what the fuck they do.

Who knows?

You never know with those charities, right? Are they helping people out or are they helping themselves to a classic Camaro with some tea tops? When we return, will be taking some callers.

Sorry, I don't what the fuck I'm talking about today.

So anyways, yeah, everybody thought I was gonna cave. I did. I have not caved on two fronts. I have not drank in 11 days. And I feel great. This is it, dude. I go 11 days. I could go a year. I could go a fucking year. I feel fucking fantastic. And I just used the word fantastic. I never. Fantastic. You know, I'm doing cardio like I've always been doing, but I'm not negating it at night with the fucking three or four home pores over there with the giant ice cube. And it's actually. The sober life is great. It just sucks at night. It's the only thing at night. It sucks at night, you know, because it's like, what the do I do? I'm. I'm like, yeah, like I'm a habit guy. So this is the time of night I do this and then I'm not doing it. I'm like, well, now what do I do? What do I do? See what I did? I started playing guitar again. Anything, you know, I suck. What do you want? I mean, just. I go in there, I fucking play a little bit.

And during that time, then it gets.

Late, and then I literally feel my.

Body just going, come on, dude, go pour one.

Go.

It's right over there. Look at the bottle, dude, look at the bottle. It's right there. Just pour yourself one. And I just.

All I have to do is just.

Go downstairs to my bedroom, and then.

The fact that I'm an old man takes over. Like, ah, dude, I am not fucking.

Going all the way back up there.

Even as I'm laying there, you know, I go downstairs and my angel of a wife is laying in bed watching five women she doesn't know scream at each other and say horrible things. You know, they're really big on attacking. Like, if a woman's never had a child, they're really big on attacking that.

Oh, man, they're fucking mean. Just mean.

Goddamn fucking mean people. You know, as dumb as guys are, the way we solve shit with violence, I just think, you know, just punching somebody in the face is way more civil than saying, well, that's why you're barren and you can't have a child. It's like, really, do me a favor, next time just punch me in the nose. Wouldn't that just be. Can we just. Can we just leave it at that so there's something to salvage afterwards? Jesus Christ. So anyway, but now that I've gone 11 days now, it's. It just starts to fade. Like, I don't even. I walk by, my, my. I told you 1927 Yankees lineup worth of booze, and I'm telling you, like, I don't even see it anymore. Like, you know, I don't, I don't, I don't. I got murderers row, Murderers row, the shit that I drink, you know, and they're all I have. The batting order, you know what I mean? Top of the order right through. Cleanup is the top of the shelf. Top shelf shit, you know, that's your pappy's, they say, okay, here we go. Let's go with booze. So what would your lineup be? Who's hitting leadoff, who's getting on base, right? Who's your fucking Rickey Henderson that's going to fucking possibly hit a solo shot and the next guys don't even have to knock him in? You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna go, my Rickey Henderson is Johnnie Walker Blue, okay?

This is gonna Be hard.

I got too many cleanup hitters. Then I would say Batten second is Grand Patrone. All right? I'm not a big tequila guy, so I'm not getting into that fucking agave shit, whatever the fuck they put in it. Then I would say, this is a hard one. I would say maybe some Pappy Van Winkles is going third. Then bat and cleanup. In my world, I would say, is McCallum rare cask. Right now we're getting to the middle of the order. This is, you know, it's not a special occasion. I just want to get fucked up. All right? These are the guys hitting.270, 280. Then you get in the middle order. You got Johnny Walker Black is batting fifth. I'd say no, fifth is Patron Silver. Johnnie Walker Black is batting six, batting seventh, eighth and ninth. Now you're talking companies coming over. You like these people, but they don't. They don't, like, appreciate good booze. So you're just going to hit them with some basic shit, right? That's when you have to go Maker's Mark. Jack Daniels batting ninth, batting ninth. If someone wants to mix it, I'll give you. This is the fuck. This is the National League. When the pitcher bats. Johnnie Walker Red Label. There you go. That's my line. You know what? Send me in your booze lineups. Probably should have had a. I can do the beer one. Leadoff's got to be Budweiser. You know that thing's getting on fucking base, right? Batten second. I would have Miller High Life bat in the third. No, no, let me. I'm gonna get lead off. Coors Light. No, but if we're doing best beer all the way down. No, no, no. What am I doing here? What am I doing here? All right, I'm. I'm. I am white trash when it comes to beer, okay? The fanciest. I mean, Alco. I would say I go Budweiser, then Miller High Life. Then I'd say.

Bet in third. Batting third in beer.

That's a tough one. You start wanting people clear the bases a little bit. I'll go a little snobby. And I will say Blue Moon. I don't mind the orange slice. I don't mind it. Like, if I want. If I'm just fucking thirsty, I'll have one of those. Bat and cleanup is good. Guinness. All right? Then I'd have a black and tan and fifth six. Now you just get. Now you want to get up, right? But you don't want to get your. Fuck you Know, become a fat. So I would say Coors Light light beer for Miller now. 8 and 9. 8 and 9. This is for when some, you know, some older people are coming over with their kids and you just got a. I don't know, for whatever reason, you got to have an ip and one of those others, like a Sierra Nevada or some shit. I would.

Something like that.

I don't drink, but, I mean, I'd leave that alone. Isn't this the stupidest conversation? I'm literally fucking sober and I'm making booze. Batting lineups, all right? If you're a beer drinker, if you're a hard liquor, you know, I want to hear your lineups, okay? Let's get ready, man. The fucking pennant races are heating up, all right? I want to. I want to see what your lineups are. You come walking up to the bar with your little. Pulling your fucking lineup card out of your back pocket. By the way, that Blue Moon is signed to like a one year contract, you know? You know, you just pick up a fucking big bat at the end of the fucking season. Like he. You know, he's not. He's not a true red suck. All right? So anyways, by the way, somebody tweeted at me, that stupid company out there in fucking Wisconsin microchipping their fucking employees. And these fucking idiots are doing it. And, you know, and I'm like, why would they do that? And then all you have to do is look at their faces. And you look at them, they have this childlike innocence. They're believers. That's all it is. They grew up in a great state of Wisconsin where you're sheltered, all right? You're in the Midwest. You're in the heart of the country. That fat fucking weasel in North Korea, his missiles, even if it makes it that far, he's not shooting it at Wisconsin, right? The Green Bay packers, they're like, owned by the fans. It's fucking. Everybody's making cheese. It's Mayberry. You ever been to Wisconsin? It's fucking tremendous. The air is fresh. The water's fucking clean. At least it looks that way when I drive by at 80 miles an hour on the way to sleep. Some God forsaken fucking place I'm going to perform at, right? It's tremendous. Fuck these people. They believe, right? They all ordered the fight. They think he's going to make it great again. They just. They believe. You know why? Because they're fucking good people out there. So they walk into the work. They, hey, guys, this is the new thing. And they. And they sit there looking, gee, I don't know, this seems a little bit creepy, right? But how did they get them? And how do you get. How do you get the general masses? How do you get them? All right, there's two ways to get the general masses. Fear and free T shirts. One or the other, you scare the out of them. They're on board. You tell them the boogeyman's under their bed. Whatever the. You tell them they need to do, they're going to do it. If you don't want to fucking waste your time coming up, some fucking boogeyman story. Just make a free fucking T shirt. And that's what they did in Wisconsin. They had these fucking T shirts that said, I got chipped. That was it. That was. That was the tipping point. Wait a minute. If I put that foreign object in me that I have no idea what it is, no idea what its capabilities are, no idea what. What it really does, other than what you tell me, you evil cunt, you'll give me that free T shirt. And you know, they got on the extra soft ones. Oh, my God, dude, my. I tell you right now, my favorite. My favorite go to T shirt is my. I got chipped. It's so soft. You know, as much as I'm making fun of them, I see the writing on the wall because there's way more people, there's way more believers out there, you know, believing in the invisible lines, believing in the teams, believing in all that fucking bullshit, right? Believing that they're evil, but these people are saints or vice versa, right? These people are evil. They do it. They do it all over the world. God loves us best. These people are infidels. These people are fucking this, these people are fucking that. It's the thing is the common thread with human beings is that there's fucking lunatics at the top, okay? And then you have nice people at the bottom. You know, Wisconsin people. People give their shirt off your fucking back, you know, provided you're not too tan. Let's. Let's not. Let's not overly romanticize these white people. At the end of the day, they are white people, okay? And I'm not shitting on my own people. We're just in a position. It's a society where, you know, nobody's watching us. So we get to go full fucking, you know, full fucking frontal nudity with their fucking brains. There's nobody. There's nobody in our way, right? That's why we go fucking crazy. You need some sort of hand on. Maybe that's what the microchip is for. I have no idea. I just know at the end of the fucking trail, who is it? Think of some of the people that run shit. Look at Bill Clinton. The man could not keep his dick in his pants. He's shoving cigars up women's vaginas. Half his fucking age. That fucking guy. That. That's one of the guys running shit. Or someone of his fucking ilk. You gonna let that guy put a fucking microchip? Well, do I get a free T shirt? Yes, you do, Skippy. All right, I'm in. And that's it. And this is the thing they don't need. They don't need thinking people to buy in. All they need is the free T shirt people and the free T shirt people. You get enough of them, it becomes a tipping point, and then they can start changing. You know what I mean? It's like the toll booths, right? Everybody, easy pass. I'm not getting that. You're not gonna fucking track where I'm going, all right? And there was just one easy pass lane. 10 fucking lanes where you threw your change in or fucking went to a guy, right? And then it became 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Go fuck yourself. Well, you don't have to. You can use the fucking surface roads. You don't have to use the highways, but your taxes did pay for them. Then you're like, that's what happens. And they'll get all of us. Do you know what? You know what I love about life, though? They can never stop you from drinking yourself to death. And that's one to grow on. All right, with that, let's. I'm sorry. That got really fucking dark. All right, what are we doing here? Live reads. Okay, I'm reading off my phone here because I have no Internet where I'm at right now. I'm gonna have to go drive down to a coffee shop. You know, there's nothing in a coffee shop that I want other than their Internet. You know, I don't drink coffee. Your little pastries are. They're like eating a bathroom tile. They're always up. They just suck. Everything in Starbucks sucks. I don't. I don't have the coffee. I know the coffee's their heroin, all right? But you ever go into a bodega that's really selling drugs, you know what I mean? You know, like old this cereal is. That's what that's like what fucking, like, Starbucks is. It's like a drug dealing bodega. You know what I mean? Like, the only thing that. That is good in there, that is. That is not past its fucking date of freshness, is the fucking drugs that they're selling. And with Starbucks, it's the coffee. Everything else in this sucks. That's why you got to love Dunkin Donuts. You know, their coffee evidently is out of this fucking world. But they also make. They make these great donuts. There you go. Oh, thank God it's fucking over. Thank God it's fucking over. Ah, Jesus Christ. You know one thing I do like about tech? Technology, I like DocuSign. I really enjoy that shit. Makes it nice and fucking easy. Oh, by the way, I have to. I have to hype this gig because they don't do a lot of. They don't do a lot of stuff. Stand up at this venue now, at this point, if you listen to the podcast for a while now, you realize that, you know, as much as old Freckles goes on stage telling jokes, he's actually a frustrated musician. You know, I wish I was good at guitar. I wish I was good at drums. I have a tremendous amount of respect for musicians. Speaking of which, Queens of the Stone Age, one of my favorite bands of all time, put out their brand new album this week. I'm gonna be listening to it and I'll give you my own review of it on Thursday. Just kidding. I fucking hate when people do that. Like I'm supposed to listen to you. Who the fuck are you? You know, fucking listen to you. I'll listen to it myself and make up my own mind. How about that? How about that? All right there. YouTube person. YouTube person. Anyways, I'm gonna be. November 2nd, I'm gonna be in Clear Lake, Iowa at the Surf Ballroom. Now, the Surf Ballroom is the. That's the last place. Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, Richie Valens, all of those guys played. Waylon Jennings was there that night and he went on the bus and everything. Just being a music fan, I don't know, it's slightly morbid to play there, but I'm gonna play there. And I'm flying in. I'm landing at the fucking airport. They took off from. Everybody's like, dude, aren't you fucking nervous? They crashed because there was no de icing technology back then. They had too much weight on their wings, which changed the shape of the airfoil. They were overweight. They couldn't fucking produce enough lift. They crashed and they died. That's not going to happen in 2017. So I'm going to be there. Won't happen to Me. Won't happen to you. If you want to check out this legendary venue, November 2nd, Clear Lake, Iowa, Surf Ballroom. I'm going to be there with Dean Del Rey, who was actually born the same day that they all died. Not the same year, but the same day. So it's be to going, gonna be. It's gonna be tremendously freaky night. I got a brand new hour and last night it could not have gone better. And I left out half of my jokes. I was having so much fun down at the Cape Cod Melody Tent. So please get your tickets. November 2nd, Clear Lake, Iowa, the Surf Ballroom. And I will be tweeting out and Facebooking out a link because I am an old man. I'm not on Photoshop. I'm not on Instagram. It's not Photoshop. What's the other one? There's Instagram and then there's the other one, Snapchat. I need to get on those, right? Is that what I need to do? By the way, I'm thinking of putting together a college tour, a tour of colleges in the beginning of next year to help promote F is for Family and bringing a bunch of swag to free merchandise. Free F is for Family merchandise. This is what I want to do. If I get enough interest from certain schools, especially the University of Kansas, when the Jayhawks have a home basketball game, so I can go to that legendary arena, that would be tremendous. Do you understand what I'm saying here? I was actually thinking of doing that once a year, right? In every, like, you know, college fucking division, you know, like one year, I'll do a big ten. F is for family tour. I'll do. Do an SEC one. I'll do a PAC 12, whatever the fuck they're called now. The whack, right? Do something like that. I don't know. I'm always thinking of fucking ideas like that shit, but just to help promote it, and because that's my fucking job, I got to sell the goddamn show.

Don't get mad at me.

All right, all right, 37 minutes in. Here we go. Here we go. All right, let's. Let's read some of your questions here for this week. The 90s. Dear Billy Temple pilot, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic for the 90s. I was 12 in 1990. I'm 10 years older than you, you bastard. And had no stress or responsibilities. I get how that influences this, but it was a good time. I'm happy with technology now, and our society is more conscious of social issues, but everything is so Loud. Now, do you ever get nostalgic for the 90s? If so, what part of the 90s can you have your podcast guy use the Friends theme song for the Thursday podcast? That's a question mark or anything. Awesome from the 90s. Thanks for reading this. If you do. Life is pretty boring these days. And if I could, you use something to brighten my day as a pet store manager? All right, sir, here's what's happening to you is you're slipping into your life and you don't like what's going on. So rather than fixing the now, you're going back in time. That's not. I mean, that's. That's a temporary fix. Okay? If you don't want to manage a pet store, ask yourself what you really want to do and start slowly walking towards that, taking a half a step, a quarter step every day. And one point, you're going to look up and God damn it, there it is, just like Indiana Jones. And then you grab it and all of a sudden a giant ball starts rolling after you and you gotta fucking run out of there. And that's you after you make it, then trying to stay there. All right, but that's way more exciting than managing this pet store that, you know, you're saying, brighten your day as a pet store manager. You one of these guys who actually doesn't like animals. You probably don't like the people, right, Coming in there or whatever. I don't know what it is, but it's. But I will answer your question. My favorite part of the 90s was the month before Nevermind came out. And I was listening to the Skid row slave to the grind. And I thought hair metal and all, not even hair metal, but metal was never going to end because that was what you love was the end of my youth because I was 22 in 1990. So that was the end of it for me. So, like, think about 2000 for you. You're getting out of college, all this new music's coming out, you're starting to not be able to, you know, the next few years, you can't keep up with it. What the fuck are they listening to? And then that's what happens. And then you start driving around. But I'm not gonna lie to do the shit that I still listen to. You know, I try to listen to newer shit. Like, you know, it's a new band to me, like Cold War Kids. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I saw them, you know, recently. They were on tv. I'll download Some of this stuff. And I'm like, I remember that song, that song that soon the guy's singing way. The really high voice, amazing voice. And I was looking at that. It's like that album came out 2006 or something. So I'm way behind the curve, but I try to stay up on. All right, you want to hear something embarrassing? I'm gonna tell you all my latest. My latest downloads. I downloaded Dreamweaver by Gary Wright. That album. Tremendously, tremendously. Fucking underrated album, all right? Because everybody thinks of. They think of that song Dream Weaver, right? And everybody laughs at that song. You know, they use it in these ironic history, hipster fucking ways. I gotta tell you, man, that fucking album is the shit. And there's definitely some poppy shit on there. But all these years of me talking about loving to play drums and all this stuff. Why did nobody tell me about Andy Newmark? Jesus Christ, that guy's one of the best fucking drummers I've ever heard. He plays on this album. And, you know, you don't have to get it for fucking Dreamweaver or any of that shit, but, like, love is alive. For the longest time, I thought that sounded like Clapton to me, singing. Or maybe like one of those Steve Winwood bands. Just listen to how tasty the fucking drums are, and I'll actually post a video this week of him fucking playing with, like, Rod Stewart and these guys just fucking wailing. All right, so I downloaded that. Then I downloaded Cold War Kids, Robbers and Cowards. I'm downloading the new Queens of the Stone Age today. And then here's. Oh, Jesus. Well, here's. In defense of me. I lost a lot of my music. When I dropped my last phone into the toilet, it was actually in my back pocket. And I stood up from taking a dump, right? No, no, I didn't. I didn't. I was fucking hammered. I remember this guy was saying there was something about standing up when you take a piss, some fucking health reason. So I sat down like a lady, right? And I had my phone in my back pocket with. When I stood up, it fucking fell into the toilet. Fucking brutal. Like, I was going to go get that. No, it ain't happening. So I don't use the cloud and everything just. I lost everything. So I downloaded AC dc. If you want blood, you got it live. AC dc for those about to rock. AC dc High Voltage. Then I had to get my vintage Aerosmith in there. I downloaded get yout Wings Rocks, Toys in the Attic. Then I downloaded the new fucking Mute Math While I'm on wait, I'm still waiting for the rest of that album come out the Play Dead. I downloaded Glenn Campbell, Rhinestone Cowboy, because I've been singing that with the advertising. Like a rhinestone ball bag. Peter Frampton, Frampton Comes Alive. Alt J's, Alt J, this is all yours. Marvin Gaye, Sexual Healing Download. What a fucking tremendous song that is. The new Royal Blood album. Anthony Hamilton. Then I downloaded like three Prince albums. No, two of them, Sign of the Times and then Dirty Mind, the first Soundgarden album. The Prince album for you. Then a Dave Brubeck Live at Carnegie Hall. Then a bunch of Miles Davis. That's what I've done in the last couple of months. Steaming with Miles, working with Miles round about midnight. Relaxing with Miles, cooking with Miles. And there you go. That's what the fuck I've been downloading. What else I got here? Wayne Shorter, the Idiot King. Attention deficit. I think that's a. Oh, that's what's His Face. Tim Alexander on drums on that, the Brown album. Bad Motor Finger, Temple of the Dog. Oh, that was right when Chris Cornell died. I had to get all that fucking music back on my phone. John Coltrane, Sonny Rollins, Tesla, Skid Row. There you go. Marilyn Manson. Primus, Primus, Primus. Animals should not act like people. Pork, soda and sailing the seas of cheese. You know what? Derosa just sent me a new fucking. Their latest fucking track. It's the shit. I absolutely loved it. Primus has a new one coming out. What the fuck is it called? Let me see here. Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? In my phone. In my phone. In my phone. All right. What do I have him underneath? You know, everybody says Joe has no shoulders. That's not true. He lacks the meat that is between your neck and your shoulders. Basically, his trapezes. He was born without it. All right, Primus, the Seven. Check that out this week. All right, enough with this old man telling you the music that he likes. Let's get back to your young people questions here, shall we? So, yeah, when grunge came in, I got. I didn't like the first. Like when Pearl Jam first came out, Nirvana first came out, I didn't like those bands because they knocked all my bands off the top 10. You know, I was like, this isn't a good band. What about Brittany Fox? What about Winger, man? What about Warrant? And, yeah, I. Listen, I didn't necessarily buy all those albums, but I didn't think any of that was bad music. I was young. I didn't know any better. You know, at least those guys could play under these cunts today with a laptop and a goddamn Christmas tree in their head. So it took me a long time to admit that Nirvana, Pearl Jam were great bands, but like Soundgarden and Alice in Chains had like that anger in there and just the sound of their lead singers, man. I just. I really like their frontman. And now, of course, you know, I love Pearl Jam. I love Nirvana and all that, but I was a bit of a baby.

When that music came out.

I was. I was too young. This is the first time I was seeing my music go away. So I wasn't mature enough to be like, you know what? You know, I. I have to accept that, you know, my time has come and gone and that this is what the fucking music is now and I should listen to. It. Took me a good 20 years to be able to do that. All right. Hey there, Billy Clinton. Did you. Did you hear this yet? The court ruled that the head of the Democratic National Convention, Debit Wasserman, that's her name, D I B B I T Schultz, rigged the primaries against Bernie Sanders. The court? What court? So this woman, under the influence of Hillary Clinton's camp, tampered in the US Election process, but none of the Democrats or celebrity do rights are going to be outraged because they're sanctimonious asshats. And for the record, I was a registered Democrat. And stop fucking saying that if it's a fact. It's a fact. I don't need to. And I used to be this or I actually voted for Obama. I don't give a fuck what you did. If what you're saying is factual, I don't need to know what the fuck you did. I was a registered Democrat about 2010. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah. With the exception of Bush and Gerald Ford. Anyways, the hypocrisy is just so insane to me to not be mad at this, especially as a Democrat. I think you have to have clinical issues. Yeah, well, I heard like, Bernie Sanders was drawn a bunch of people and they just didn't even cover it. All right, now, where is this coming from? This is the theobserver.com In June 2016, a class action suit was filed against the Democratic National Committee and the former Democratic National. Oh, it's Debbie. Debbie Wasserman Shoats for violating the DNC charter by rigging the Democratic presidential primaries for Hillary Clinton against Bernie Sanders. How hilarious would this be? That's actually doubly sad. If this is true, Even former Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid admitted in July 2016, I knew everybody knew that this was not a fair deal. He added that Debbie Wasserman Schultz should have resigned much sooner than she did. The lawsuit was filed to push the Democratic National Convention to admit their wrongdoing and provide Bernie Sanders support supporters who supported him financially with millions of dollars in campaign contribution with restitution for being cheated. On August 25, 2017, Federal Judge William Schley, Is this All True? Dismissed the lawsuit after several months of litigation during which the Democratic National Convention's attorneys argued that the DNC would be well within their rights to rig primaries and select their own candidates. That was their argument, so they weren't denying it. Evaluating plaintiffs claims that this. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna send this to Jimmy Dore, and I want him to, because he, you know, I'm too stupid to be able to debunk this or say that it's actually fucking true. I want to know. I want to know what love is. I mean, this wouldn't surprise me. You know what I mean? I would actually love if this got some fucking attention just to truly shut up all these fucking dopes in Hollywood, you know? You know, back in the day, I mean, I guess. I mean, I think that. I mean, who's kidding who? I'm not trying to be the spokesperson for fucking Wesson Oil or whatever the fuck people are trying to do out there, but, like, I try to, like, evenly trash everybody, and I'm totally into conspiracy theory. Like, none of this is shocking to me. You know, I just think we're just inherently flawed. I base that on myself as I fucking, you know, as I just fuck up all the time. We're just inherently flawed people. All right, Jimmy Dore. There we go. This is how dumb I am. I'm going to send this to him, and I'm just going to text, is this true? You know, and he loves me enough to actually reply to this. I know part of him is going to feel sad that I'm as dumb as I am and that I have his phone number. Yeah, I mean, none of that surprises me. I mean, it was. You kind of felt that Bernie was getting boxed out. And I guess maybe the Democratic National Committee does have the. I guess does have the right to do it. The same way the NFL had the right to suspend Tom Brady whether he did anything or not. I mean, when they took it to court, they go, yeah, this is bullshit. You don't have enough fucking evidence. And they're like, well, we're a corporation, right? Does a corporation have a right to suspend its employee? Yes, you do. Well, Tom Brady's our employee, therefore he suspended. That's kind of like what they did to burn Sanders. And yes, I did just compare him to Tom Brady. I think they have a lot in common. Living in a retirement community at 33 years of age. What's up, freckled ball bag? A friend recently turned me on to your podcast. It's hilarious. Well, thank you. Thank you for preventing me from killing myself on my one hour commute to work. Well, that's great. I like to do what I can. Although I am into population. Maybe I should take a few. Control. Population control. Maybe we should take a couple weeks off. My wife, 28, and I, 33, finally had enough money to buy our first home. Dude, you guys are crushing it. So he purchased a nice little townhouse in Connecticut. We didn't know at the time, but we were moving into a community that is potentially the evil offspring of a retirement village and the house of wax. Oh yeah. Well, that's what happens when you buy your first house. You're so excited. You don't drive around. You don't know the questions to ask. Now you know, are the people old as shit around here? Just out of curiosity, is this a drug filled neighborhood? Is there any chemical fucking shit in the water? What are the schools like? You know, all those questions you have to ask. All right. We are nice, courteous people. And so we think. Or so we think. So don't take the anger in this email out of context. Well, you had a little perspective that if you said we're nice, courtesy people, courteous people. But the fact that you actually have the intelligence to say, or so we think, understanding that there is another perspective in life other than your own. We've helped some of our old ass neighbors carry shit, you know, because they can't with the osteoporosis and everything. We wave and chat with them when walking our dog and we even hold the charity beer pong party tournament in New York City every year to raise money for Ms. Unrelated to our community, but shows we care. Question mark, I guess. Question mark. Anywho, enough about us. This past weekend we had my brother and sister in law in town and invited another couple over on Saturday. Saturday. Sorry if I blew your eardrums out. I tried to pull it away enough. I don't think I took it away in the time. Sorry, we went to hang out at school, at our. At our pool. Sorry, we took a float Snacks, a couple of beers and a speaker. There were five to seven other people at the pool, all in their hundreds. It did not look like the pool scene from Caddyshack. We hung out, chatted, sipped a beer and listened on low to Jack Johnson or some other mellow soft shit. Monday morning at 10am the entire community got this email. Residents. It was reported to the board and the management that over this past weekend there were some owners and guests who behaved inappropriately loud and shouting conversations, foul language and may have partaken in alcoholic beverages prior to or while visiting the pool. None of these things are acceptable and are also violation of the pool rules of the old Fuchs court. Obviously you added that if, if said individuals were seen behaving in such a manner going forward, the police may be called and said individuals will not be permitted to use the facilities and may also be subject to a hearing in front of the board whereby fines may be imposed. The pool facility is for the peaceful enjoyment of all residents and we hope to keep it that way. Thank you. Signed the old ass board of directors. Jesus Christ, dude. What the. You didn't realize you fucking bought a house in a retirement community? Since first off, let me say, I've had. I had nothing against the elderly. I love my grandparents. You don't have to. Stop establishing credibility. You bought a fucking house. There's a bunch. It's like the movie Cocoon, but if you jump in the pool, you're still fucking old. I get it. Anyways, I called it. Once a week I enjoy a quiet night on the couch with some scotch or an old Fashioned and shit. I still use Hotmail. Yes, we're a part of hoa and in rules about alcohol drinks at the pool, you can only have two guests per household. Oh, shit. We violated the covenant. But this email from the board is still absurd, right? No, it's not absurd. You. You just didn't do your homework. You didn't do your homework. That's what happened. You didn't do your homework. Did I just fucking rip the spread here with that pen in the back pocket? Laying on my mother's fucking quilt here. Motherfucker, am I here? I gotta go back to this here. By the way, everybody thinks every sound on my podcast is a fart now because I hold this thing to my chest. Any fucking sound that's made. Dude. You fucking ripped ass ladies last week. I mean, maybe I did. I don't think. I don't feel that I am. Maybe I am. I don't know. But I'm in My house, you know, I have to fart. I let it go. You can't fucking smell it. Deal with it. No, dude, this is all on you. This is just. He said but loud conversations. What? Drinking alcoholic beverages prior to visiting the pool area. Are you kidding me? The policeman may be called. Get an effing life, dude. Dude, this is their life. This is the end of their life. And they want quiet, okay? Half of them probably fought in fucking wars. The last thing I need is you with your new fangled Elvis music. That is Jack Johnson to them. Look it. This is the deal. You guys fucked up, okay? You guys fucked up, all right? And this is part of buying your first house, okay? I bought my first house back in 2011. And you know what I was like, wow, it's a great old house. It has a lot of character, you know? You know what my fucking old people at the pool was? Galvanized pipes in the walls, cloth wiring, a gas leak flashing when I turned on the lights to possibly ignite the gas underneath my fucking house. Wood rot. Termites. Non permitted fucking building shit. Just you fucking name it. Put a new roof on it. The guy fucked up. He didn't reattach the thing. The water came through. They blamed me. I just said, fuck it. I paid for it myself. This is part of it. Dude, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure there's somebody else old that will buy your fucking house. Other than that, I would just. You are in a communal area. I would be quiet when you go down to the pool. I mean, I try to look at the bright side. At least nobody's going to be listening to loud fucking Benny Goodman music all the way into the night. Because old people, you know, they fall asleep, like, nine times a day, so. And even if you don't like your neighbor, they're going to die soon. There's a lot of positive ways to look at this. And you can also. You can always sell. So I would make the best of it. You can always Uber. I would Uber. I would go out and go get hammered and be loud in the young part of town and then come back. Just make sure you get some sort of electric car to cruise you up real quietly to your front door. I'm sorry you're going through that. But what you learned is you have to check out your neighborhood before you, you know, you got to read everything, you know. So that's the deal. All right? I hope it works out for you. All right? Oh, guess who just text me back this is why Jimmy Dore is the shit. Because I just read shit and Jimmy gets to the bottom of it. This is what Jimmy just sent me back. Basically, yes. The judge left open the door for the lawyers to refile in a way that would be more successful. The important thing in this case is that the lawsuit filled forced the DNC lawyer to admit in court that they don't have to run a fair primary and that they can pick and choose whoever, whomever they want and can ignore the voters. They can ignore the voters will if they choose to do so. The WikiLeaks emails revealed that the DNC was colluding with the Clinton campaign and gave her an unfair advantage, which is why Wasserman Schultz resigned before the D DNC convention last summer. The judge dismissed the case, it appears to me, based on the fact the plaintiff did not have stand standing to sue and the federal court did not have jurisdiction in this case. I am interviewing the lawyer who filed this case today, so hopefully lots will be cleared up in that interview. So there you go. Search Jimmy Dore. I'll send out a link to. That's a comedian. That's. That's an informed guy. You hear how that thing was written? You hear how eloquent that was? I actually sounded smart while reading that. Check that out. Oh, man. Oh my God. Oh my God. All those women who cried over Hillary Clinton and she's just as filthy as this guy. Can you believe this, Trump? Can you believe this Trump? That's all you hear out in Hollywood land where I live, and it's just like, I want to. I hope it's true. So I can be like, well, what do you think about that? And watch them completely dismiss it. The same way to go back to Tom Brady. Well, all right, so he lets the cunts hair with the air out of a ball. What about when you guys did this? And that the other people root for this? Well, that was no fucking big deal because our team did it. I fucking love it. I love it.

Oh, Jesus Christ, do I love it.

Okay, boss. Racist, racist, racist. Question mark. Hey, Billy. Booze bag. Billy no fun. 11 days, motherfucker. Shut up. I know you're not drinking. Oh, he got me. Look at that. Anymore. It's all I could come up with. All right, Bill. Recently our company had an event where we give a tour to possible clients who will partner with us in the future. During this event, our boss, who was outgoing and funny, was ironing white sheets and thought it would be funny to poke fun at the KKK by Placing a white sheet over his head and saying black lives matter. He immediately recognized the situation, took it off his head and addressed the whole company the next day. He apologized and made our counselors available to the company for whoever was affected and offended. Jesus fucking Christ, you got to go through all of that. I just love these people that are just so fucking, I don't know where the fuck they live that they feel like, I can do this and they're not going to have a problem. But then everybody's like so fucking hurt they need to be like, counseled. Aren't you just trying to get out of your job for a couple hours? Just walk up to the guy and say you're a fucking asshole. And then if you want the guy fired, just say that someone's got to sit there and hold your hand. The only problem was that he left out the Black lives matter part in the first meeting and simply said, oh, wait a minute, so now what he's saying, okay, wait a second. The only problem was that he left out the black lives matter lives matter part in the first meeting and simply said he placed the sheet over his head, which is where the outrage came from. You know, dude, that's one of the most important part information, Most important information in this fucking story. And you left out some words here. The only problem was that he left out the Black lives matter part in the first meeting and simply said he placed the sheet over his head, which is where were the outrage came from. Dude, what am I supposed to do with this? In the council meeting with everyone, I couldn't help but notice only white middle aged women were trashing the guy, they were crying, etc. Not one minority in that room said they were affected. It pissed me off because it was almost insulting to minorities watching this. What if there was actually a minority who was actually racially discriminated against and went to court and wasn't listened to? Dude, I don't know what you're talking about right now. I'm 90% sure these women were just looking for money. It's not like our boss tried to hide or make excuses, so the white women got offended. This is like a fucking beat sheet for a script that isn't written yet. What? White middle aged women were trashing the guy they were crying, etc. That fucking sentence ended. Then he began a new paragraph with that and then starts talking about the minority women there. I don't know what you're talking about here, sir. Okay, so, okay, so you're asking me what are my opinions? You Think these women are just looking for an opportunity to sue. Sue S E W so for money? Or do you think they actually believe these ladies were offended? Thanks, Bill. I don't know what you're talking about here, sir. I have no idea. I have no idea. Am I making fun of white women for acting like they were offended and crying because you think I have no idea? I don't know it, sir. Proofread. Okay? I'm not a good speller either, but, you know, I do know where the spell check is, and I hit the button, and it erases all my impurities. All right? My fiance isn't into other men. Okay? He says, I feel. Or she said, I don't know what the this is, what gender this is. He said, I feel like this is a slightly different yet amusing take on relationship issues and would love to hear your tackle. You tackle this in a podcast, basically. I really like watching my girl, other men. It's not a cuckold thing because I'll fuck her right after. And it's always the best sex we ever had right after. You don't ever shower first, sir. Right after. Okay? Hey, you know, I don't judge whatever you want to do, if that's what you guys are in. My issue is that our sex is already great, and I'm well above average in size and stamina, so it's hard for her to find another guy she's actually interested in. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. You started all the way to the left. Now we're all the way to the right. Oh, wow. This guy. This guy here. You know, I don't mind. I don't mind her other guys. I can handle it because at the end of the day, my dick's so big, nobody can follow me. Okay? Now I'm judging the guy. I don't know why I'm doing this is just all over the map. I don't push the issue because I'm confident in my abilities. Evidently so confident you got to fucking write an email about it. And don't want her to have a bad time simply for my pleasure. But I wanted to know your opinion on the subject. We have threesomes with other women. God bless you. And I can't even get into them, so I can't judge her. I love her, and our amazing sex has been a driving factor after almost four years. Yet there's something about fucking her after she's been with another man that is so hot to me. I can't accurately explain it. And she just doesn't seem into it, because, as she puts it, I do it better. Dude, this is one of the greatest emails. I hope. Even if you just made this up, I would really appreciate your opinion on this weird kind of relationship where the issue for me is that I can't get off because the girl, as incredible as she is, is too perfect. What? Where the issue for me is that I can't get off because the girl, as incredible as she is, is too perfect. So the way her to make her not perfect is to have you watch her fuck another guy. So you got a giant dick and you enjoy it and you kind of, like, want to show like, that. It's the only way I can look at it. This is like you're like the head, like, the best comedian in the fucking country, all right? But there's still some level of insecurity you have that you have to go on on these. These. These shows where the comics aren't at your level and you have to go on last and you have to fucking kill harder and kill longer than anybody else to prove that you are the best comedian in the fucking country, if not the world, if not the fucking universe. Right? Is that what it is? Is it the fact that you know that you're fucking nailing her better than these. These other fucking guys? They come out with their average dicks or their little fucking dicks, and she's bored shitless. Do you make the other people watch? You know what I mean? Like, you're helping out their golf swing. You know, you keep lifting your head. You got to fucking keep your head down as you follow through, dude. I don't know. I don't have the problems you have, sir. All right. I am very followable. I have no idea. I do it. I have no idea. That is like, I would send that into. Can you please go on Dr. Phil? Because I just want to watch him and see what goes on in his eyes when he listens to this story where he just goes like, so you need to have another man, have sex with your woman with a penile device that is smaller than yours in order for you to get off. That's what you're saying. And you know Dr. Phil's got some giant ex cop dick, right? You know, he's got some huge hogan. That's what you do. That's the end of the episode is you go in the back and you watch Dr. Phil, your wife with the sweat pouring off his head, and you're just sitting there relaxed and confident, right? You know, be funny. He probably. He probably wouldn't even get naked. He'd just drop his pants down. He'd still have his wingtips on. You know what he'd do to try to beat you? He'd be in. In our ear, in the. You know, this dirty talk would be how much money he's worth. Huh?

You want to go to Oprah's tonight?

Huh?

You want to go?

Do you want to go to Oprah's tonight? I can make it happen. That's. I'm sorry. I know this is a up podcast, but I didn't. I didn't. I wasn't the one that took it into that area, all right? Other people did. That was really weird. That was a really weird visual. The whole thing was weird. And who knew? Who the fuck knew? Who the fuck knew that this podcast would start as innocently as it did talking about Hitler getting his Make a Wish and would end so up with whatever the fuck it is I was just describing. All right, that's the podcast. Everybody please download the new Queens of the Stone Age album. Please buy some tickets to my show at the Surf Ballroom in. Was it Clear Lake, Iowa. It's gonna be a fucking amazing night. And what else, what else, what else, what else? I'll post those videos for you. That's it. And congratulations, everybody that rented the fight and enjoyed it. I don't want to ruin your fucking time. And I think that's it. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Go yourselves. Sam.