Daddy Daughter Day, War, Sex Scenes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary
Episode: Daddy Daughter Day, War, Sex Scenes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-25
Release Date: July 31, 2025
Host: Bill Burr
Produced by All Things Comedy

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1. Opening Remarks and Casual Banter

The episode begins with Bill Burr engaging in light-hearted conversation with co-host Nia Renée Hill. They navigate the typical small talk dynamics, with Bill humorously dissecting the common adult response to "How's it going?"

• Bill Burr [00:00]: "When people say, how's it going? You just say, good. How's it going? It's going good."

2. Sports Commentary: Baseball and MotoGP

Bill shifts the discussion to sports, focusing on baseball and motorcycle racing. He expresses his enthusiasm for the Boston Red Sox and frustration with the MLB schedule.

• Bill Burr [01:25]: "Baseball is brutal. They got, like, 10 games, and not this stretch, the next, they have one day off."

He also touches on MotoGP, particularly praising Marc Márquez despite his recent struggles, and critiques the complexity of certain racing tracks.

• Bill Burr [02:57]: "Mark Marquez just keeps winning. He had a bad start in the sprint and it's actually, that's like better."

3. Personal Anecdotes: Daddy Daughter Day

Bill shares a personal story about taking his daughter to IKEA for Daddy Daughter Day, highlighting the challenges and absurdities of navigating the store.

• Bill Burr [03:25]: "I hate IKEA. It's like being in the court system. Once you're in, you can't get out."

4. Rant on War and Global Conflicts

A significant portion of the episode delves into Bill's passionate rant against war, specifically addressing the situation in Palestine and the broader implications of global conflicts. He criticizes the legal and ethical justifications for war, questioning why it remains an acceptable means to resolve disputes.

• Bill Burr [10:45]: "War should not be legal. There is absolutely no reason for it whatsoever."

Bill discusses the hypocrisy in societal attitudes toward war, highlighting how ordinary individuals are restricted from taking extreme measures against neighbors, while military personnel are sanctioned to kill.

• Bill Burr [11:26]: "If you have a problem with your neighbor, you can't go over and kill him. That's murder. You're going to jail."

5. Media and Religious Commentary

Bill critiques media narratives and religious rhetoric, particularly how dissenting opinions about war often lead to accusations of anti-Semitism or lack of patriotism.

• Bill Burr [12:50]: "If you say anything against war, that means you're a communist and you didn't support the troops."

6. Reflection on Personal Life and Therapy

Transitioning from global issues, Bill reflects on his personal life, mentioning the possibility of returning to therapy due to marital tensions and the stressors of parenting.

• Bill Burr [19:37]: "I'm gonna go back to therapy. I'm gonna check in."

7. Nostalgia and Pop Culture

Bill reminisces about classic movies like "Body Heat" and "The Last Seduction," appreciating their portrayal of intimate scenes complemented by saxophone music. He humorously critiques the choice of music in such contexts.

• Bill Burr [25:00]: "Saxophone playing in the background, sex scenes like that... It was the instrument of choice."

8. General Observations and Humor

The conversation weaves through various topics, including the challenges of golf, frustrations with modern architecture in New York, and the absurdities of everyday life. Bill uses his signature humor to highlight and exaggerate common societal issues.

• Bill Burr [48:21]: "Pull up your pants. Tie your fucking sneakers. Okay? Can you be an adult?"

9. Relationship Advice Segment

A listener-submitted question about being addicted to online prostitution becomes a focal point. Bill offers blunt and unfiltered advice, suggesting immediate actions like masturbation and drastic measures to disconnect from harmful behaviors.

• Bill Burr [67:31]: "You just go, you'll throw your phone in the freezer... Go see a therapist."

10. Closing Remarks

The episode concludes with Bill and Nia briefly touching on upcoming plans, including traveling and attending events, while maintaining their candid and humorous rapport.

• Bill Burr [63:20]: "This fucking goddamn air conditioner... It's like somebody you're just hoping is gonna pass out."

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Key Takeaways:

• Sports Enthusiasm: Bill's love for baseball and MotoGP is evident, paired with his critical view of scheduling and player performances.
• Anti-War Stance: A profound critique of the legitimacy and morality of war, questioning societal norms and leadership decisions.
• Personal Insights: Balances heavy topics with personal anecdotes, showcasing the complexities of Bill's personal life.
• Humorous Rants: Consistent use of humor to address and exaggerate real-life frustrations and societal issues.
• Direct Advice: Offers straightforward and unapologetic advice on sensitive personal matters, reflecting his no-nonsense attitude.

Notable Quotes:

• On War:
  “War should not be legal. There is absolutely no reason for it whatsoever.” [10:45]

• On Relationship Advice:
  “You just go, you go to work, you rub one out, and then take your phone and throw it in the freezer.” [67:31]

• On Everyday Frustrations:
  “Pull up your pants. Tie your fucking sneakers. Okay? Can you be an adult?” [48:21]

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This episode of the Monday Morning Podcast offers a blend of sports commentary, personal stories, societal critiques, and unabashed humor. Bill Burr's candid rants provide listeners with both entertainment and a thought-provoking look at contemporary issues.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in, Checking in on you. Oh, how's it going, man? Yeah, yeah. Is it going good? That's good. That day, you know? That's a good thing. You know?

[Nia Renée Hill]

It's good.

[Bill Burr]

It's always good. One of the things you have to learn as an adult. When people say, how's it going? You just say, good. How's it going? It's going good. Unless it's a friend of yours and there's fucking margaritas in front of you and you're a lady. Then all of a sudden, it's just like, I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this, but I just. I.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No, no, I want to hear about it.

[Bill Burr]

Why do you want to hear about it? Because you want to help your friend or because you just enjoy watching your friend have a worse day than you? Oh, there's a lot of layers with the ladies, you know? I want to hear about it. Sorry, I'm rolling this fucking window down. I want to hear about it. I want to hear about it. Well, I just, you know, it's like. And he said that he wanted to go into the music, and he said.

[Nia Renée Hill]

He didn't want to go.

[Bill Burr]

Well, maybe he got second check. No, you just say, how's it going?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Good. Good.

[Bill Burr]

It's going good. This is the way I say it. It's going good. Like, it's enough. Don't ask any more questions. You know, how's it going? It's going.

[Nia Renée Hill]

It's.

[Bill Burr]

It's going how it's always going. Anyway.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, Billy.

[Bill Burr]

Baseball face. I've been watching the Red Sox. I missed the drubbing of the Twins yesterday, kicking the shit out of him. I don't even know who we have next. All I know is they got, like. Baseball is brutal. They got, like, 10 games, and not this stretch, the next, they have one day off. Oh, Thursday. Today they have a day off. And then I think they just play, like, 10 days in a row. I'll tell you what. Jaren Durant, Jesus Christ, all that guy does is hit doubles, triples, and home runs. Now, granted, I only watched this week, but I'll tell you, I. I am duly impressed. This guy here, who could barely hit a fucking wiffle ball underarm to him by his fucking, you know, kids. I am duly impressed. No, I. This. This fucking team is all right. They're young, they're talented, we got some Money. Today's the trade deadline. Who's, who's that kid out there in Oakland? I'm getting all caught up. The big Amish, whatever they call him, hit five home runs in one game. I guess nobody's ever done that. Here's a question I have, like, who the fuck was pitching after he hit four?

[Nia Renée Hill]

You know, what do you want to do?

[Bill Burr]

I, you know, I think we should challenge him. Let's keep sending it right down the fucking middle.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Serve it up.

[Bill Burr]

Let's see, you know, let's see if he flinches. Yeah, I got caught up with some of my motorcycle races. I saw the, the Germany race.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I got one more race and then.

[Bill Burr]

I'll be caught up. They're on break right now, so I got a little time. But Mark Marquez just keeps winning. He had a bad start in the sprint and it's actually, that's like better. That's like back in the day, like Lewis Hamilton, if he had a bad qualifying and he was like second or third, you're like, oh, this is cool. I'll actually get to see some racing. But if he was in pulpit position, it was a race to the first turn and then that was the end of the fucking race. MotoGP has kind of been like that with Marc Marquez, but that German track, like, I had to like look it up to get a picture of it because they just kept make, they started going left. It's like you come out, you go right and then there's a little chicane and then they make like nine left hand turns in a row and somehow they don't end up back where they started from. And I'm like, you know, I know I didn't do too well in geometry, but this doesn't make sense to me. Ended up looking up the track. That's a cool one. You know, I don't know if people complain about it the way they complained about the track we had in Vegas that, you know, everyone was around the world was saying was lame. And then it was the most passing. At least it was two years ago when I was watching. I mean, that's the story that, that's the story that I'm sticking by. So I'm doing a Daddy Daughter day today. It's friggin hilarious. I'm like, all right, sweetheart, where do you want to go? And she goes, my favorite store. And I was like, ikea. She's like, yeah. I go, you want to go to Ikea for a Daddy Daughter Day? She goes, yeah. I just like looking at the different Setups and stuff. So I was like, all right, I guess, you know, of course she doesn't ask me. I hate ikea, you know, it's like being in the court system. Once you're in, you can't get out. I know. Oh, my God. I already know how this is going to go down. And they have that awful hot dog at the end, you know what I mean? Some sort of just terrible food. Because they know. They know that once you get in, you can't get out. And it's like an hour long, just walking the fuck around. And people, again, they're going to get upset. But if you give them a hot dog in the end, the option, just the option of getting a hot dog in the end, maybe, you know, maybe. Maybe they won't be so upset, you know, I don't know. Anyway, I. I don't know what else. What the. Was I watching? Oh, I finally saw, like, everybody else. They actually showed footage of what's going on in Palestine, man. It's just. It's unbelievable. I was really thinking about this. You know what's fucking amazing is, like, if you have a problem with your next door neighbor, you can't go over and kill him. That's illegal. Bless you. That was the loudest fucking sneeze ever. Do you hear that guy? For some reason, you can't, you know, you can't kill your neighbor. There's an outside chance if you're a woman, if you're a woman, that you. You could possibly. You can possibly kill your neighbor. No, you know what I mean? You can't kill your neighbor. You kill your neighbor, that's murder. You're going to jail. And all they're trying to decide is it, was it manslaughter, third degree, second. I guess third degree is manslaughter, right? Second degree, first degree, or self defense. That's all it is. Like, but you better have a good goddamn reason. Like, you're not allowed to do that. But if you work for billionaires, you know, you join the military, you're allowed to kill people. You can kill whoever you want. Yeah, like, why don't we hold, like, the banks and the oil company? Like, there's. There's just no reason to still be doing this to people. Yeah, that's what I kind of thought. I'm like, like world leaders and billionaires are able to solve. Like, why are they allowed to kill people? And then you have to do it. They send us to kill each other, and then they profit off of it. But, like, if you have A problem with your neighbor, and you fucking kill that person. You're not allowed to do that. And why is that? You know why? Because that person you just killed was paying taxes. That person had a mortgage. That person was. They were making money. That person's an asset. That's a person that we can drown in debt or send off to fucking fight our fights so we can get more goop out of the fucking ground. There isn't this whole fucking thing since. Since Vietnam. Like, the big thing is, is if you say anything against war, that means you're this. Like, that's what they learned in Vietnam. They learned if they lost, you know, first of all, they needed to take control of the media, and then also they had to control the narrative. And that's when the support the troops came out. Like, as if there was people not supporting the troops. I guess in Vietnam, the hippies got a little crazy and they started yelling baby killers at troops because, you know, there was no social media. How could they find the truth? So there was an element of guilt. But what the powers that be did, they turned into. If you as a citizen said, hey, why are we going to war with this country? That meant you were a communist and you didn't support the fucking troops. It's like, that's. That's not what that means. I can support the troops and also say, why are you sending them there? They always do that. So now if you look at starving kids in Palestine and you go like, hey, man, this isn't the way to go about doing this, then they go, oh, you're anti Semitic? You support Hamas? It's like, no, I don't. I can be like, don't starve that baby to death. I can say that and not be anti Semitic. I'm just. I'm anti starving children to death. I'm anti seeing moms holding empty pots with children fucking crying. It's. It's. It's insane. It's insane. War should not be legal. And I think the reason that it is legal is because there's never a justification for it. Does that even make sense? Like, war has to happen because whatever they're doing is wrong. It's. The whole thing is fucking wrong. It was. Hamas is wrong. Starving innocent people is wrong. The whole fucking thing is wrong. Most of the shit that my countries has been involved in turns out it's always about something else. The whole fucking thing is wrong, but it's for the profit of billionaires. So then all of a sudden, now it's okay to kill people now it's okay to starve people. Now it's okay to just shoot rockets into innocent people on both sides. It's fucking insane. And you can't have a rational conversation about it. People just start fucking screaming, go, oh, you're this, you're that. I'm like. I'm saying, don't starve kids to death. How is that the wrong side of the argument? And how does that mean that I would then want to starve people to death on the other side? No, no, I think, you know, from my world travel, everybody's fucking cool. It's. It's the leaders or it's. It's the corporations that get everybody's. They're like mean girls. They get everybody all fucking stirred up. Religion, throw that in there. That's another one. Gets everybody all fucking stirred. We would all be getting along. We would all, like, be honest with yourself. You don't really know what anybody's doing in another country. You don't know what they're thinking, and you don't give a shit. That's how they are with you. Nobody gives a. But then these at the top, you know, say X, Y, and Z. And then the media that they own go, oh, my God, they're coming to get you.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Maybe I am oversimplifying it. Did you see that? There's another one that's shooting. That person went in and, you know, down to try and go, oh, you know, they had CTE and they were trying to get to the NFL floor. Oh, yeah. Is that what happened? Is that what happened? And when they. The elevator doors open and they saw a completely different corporate logo there, they were still confused. I don't know about that one. I don't know. A lot of has happened this week. A lot of has happened this week. But, yeah, I wish we could start a dialogue where we could talk to the world leaders and just feel just exactly why. How is war a an acceptable way to solve these problems? Like, how do you justify. How do you go to sleep at night knowing that you greenlit this or they greenlit that or whatever. You know what I mean? All I've seen from all of that stuff going on over there is all. All I've seen is innocent people die on both sides, and that's what always ends up happening. And then the people that perpetrated the whole thing, I don't know where they are. They're underground or they're in a palace, you know, talking to the media, spinning it. That is a weird thing. Though with every religion they talk about, you know, if you don't live a certain way, you're going to go to hell. And then they have these descriptions of hell that are just beyond any comprehension of pain and how it never ends, right? And then you see the people that run these organizations, and none of them seem to be worried about punishment in the afterlife. Like every president, Democrat or Republican in my life has been. And God bless the United States. They're always talking about God and everything, and it's just like, dude, you got bodies, man. You got fucking bodies. They'll fucking bomb a country just to change the fucking shit on the newspaper. At least they used to have to back in the day. Like, oh, fuck, did I use somebody's vagina as a humidor? I think I'll bomb a country in Europe. I don't know. It's insane. But it's such an insane world that probably there's people that actually hear me say, don't starve kids to death. That's not. The solution will be like, ah, it's cause you're a fucking homophobe. Call me any semi fucking. Is that what it is? I thought. I just didn't think that kids should starve to death over adult problems. I don't know. What are you gonna do anyway? You know what you do? You fucking bury yourself in sports. That's what I've been doing. Now I'm fucking. Hadn't watched a game all year. Now I'm obsessed with watching the Red Sox. I was very upset with myself that I missed a game yesterday. Just a random day game on a Wednesday. That just goes to show you how many people are working from home, you know, that they have a game on a fucking Wednesday. On a Wednesday, bro. Like, what's that about? You know what I mean? I mean, I like it, but am I really supposed to believe everybody's, you know, doing the third shift in a warehouse unloading trucks, and they just woke up, had a little coffee and some eggs and went to a game? I mean, that's kind of cool. Fucking way to do your day anyway. You know what is funny about baseball is that anytime I watch it, you know, there's always that part of my head going, like, I could probably hit. I could probably hit a nice fly ball to the left fielder. I could probably do that. You know, having gone to the batting cages once in like 30 years, I think I'm gonna get up there. It's like when I play golf and people always go, I think you're using too Much club. I'm like, oh, yeah, watch. Are you hitting a five iron on a par three? Yep. It's gonna come up short too. Watch this. Every time, every time. And then every once in a while I'll get a hold one. I only play par threes. I only play par threes. I'm not going. I, I don't like, you know what I mean? I'm dating. I'm not trying to get into a relationship. I play nine holes and I play part three. That's it. That's what's going on. Okay? And I'll, I'll play nine holes if there's three fours and fives, but you have to know around hole six, I might take one off and I'll be sitting in the cart, you know, back in the day, smoking a cigar, you know, passenger seat too. I'm just, I'm there for the ride. I do remember one time playing 18 holes and I quit like fucking 12 holes in. And I was just like, yeah, guys, I'm good. They're like, you're good? I go, yeah, I'm good. And my two other buddies kept playing and I just sat there smoking a cigar for like the last six holes. And they told me later that they were both like, you know, is Burr actually doing it the right way? Isn't that great? Every once in a while when you go against the grain and then people actually agree with you, that never happens. Well, it happened. That day was hot as balls and I was just sitting there at an Arnold Palmer and I had a cigar and I was sitting there with my old pasty legs crossed, happy as a fucking clam. Could give a. Oh, look at this hole. Oh, yeah, it's gorgeous. Hey, nice shot. Keep it up, buddy. You're doing great. Just sitting there. That's the thing, you know, I actually, if I was still drinking, I would like rent myself out to like for a foursome. That sounded fucking perverted. Keep it clean for golf and I would just be like the designated driver. And the only thing was, is I, I have to be allowed to drink for all 18 holes and have a cigar going. And that way the play, you know, keeps moving along. I'll even get you at the turn. I don't give a anything. To not play 18 holes of that game would be fantastic. I still don't understand what, why you can't just get it out at the driving range. The driving range, that, that's where it's at. That's where it's just zen. No warm up swing, just bang Bang, bang. Slice, hook, slice, slice. Good one. Bang. That's. I just, I, I, you know what? It takes an incredible amount of concentration with golf. And I, I gotta be honest with you. Like, I can't even. I can't get through a bucket of balls. Like, there's always, like, the first five or six. I give a. And then I just look at it like it's a job. Like, I gotta get through this bucket so I can get back to my life. And I hit him. I hit him right off the deck. I don't give a. I don't give a if that was that, that creepy, you know, umbilical cord, that little rubber tee that they, they don't. I don't give a shit. I don't care. Just get me out of here. All of that. None of that has to do with the game. All of that has to do with all the bullshit that happened to me before I became a comedy. I just want to be over and I want to go and be alone. It's. I have to fight that urge all the time. It's something I'm learning about. Oh, Bill, you gonna go back to therapy? I think I am. I think I am. I think I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna check in. You know what the subtext of this is?

[Nia Renée Hill]

This means.

[Bill Burr]

My wife's like, yeah, listen, that was like the 49th time this week you've done X, Y, and Z. Maybe, maybe you need to go talk to somebody. I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right. That's the worst. There's anything worse than getting a new therapist. And you gotta, you know, now you're in reruns, right? You gotta talk about. You've already talked about. You're like, fast forwarding through it, you know, And I was at the carnival and I got raped by a clown. And the next day, my bike broke. I. And, you know, I want to get to 2025. Well, we got to know what's going on with you. We got to know what happened in 1975 to know what's going on in 2025. Do we? You know, I was watching an old Sesame street the other day. Remember that one?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Everybody Sleeps.

[Bill Burr]

Everybody sleeps. I was showing it to my kids, and they were showing a little baby. And right in the middle of it, my kids were enjoying it. I go, you know, that baby's, like 50 years old now. Like, what go that baby. This. This was from, like, 50, 50 something years ago. I just started thinking, like, that baby could be divorced right now, just sitting on a bar stool. We had it all. But she was afraid of it. I did. She, she, she sabotaged it. I wanted to work it out. Everybody drinks and blames their ex wife. And I used to tell, I told my kids, I go, you used to watch this when I was a kid and I loved it because I liked seeing the animals sleeping. But it was a part of it that made me sad. And then they watched it and they'll go, why did this make you sad? This isn't sad, dad. Why did it make you sad? And I was like, oh, oh, I guess. Cause I was fucked up, you know, it wasn't this. Turns out it was me. Thank you. Isn't it amazing when you get information like that decades later? Why don't we have the hiccups now? Decades later? Like I just had a setup that took 30 years for the punchline to come. A long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago, I, I had like two lines on some acting gig and I was talking to this actor that was, you know, had more lines, you know, shooting the, with him, right? And I mentioned that I was a stand up comedian. And he's like, oh, you do stand up. But I was like, yeah. And he goes, yeah, you know, I, I don't like stand up comedy. I just, I just don't find it funny. And I immediately thought that that was like, funny because I was like, you know, there's a lot of bad stand up on TV at the time. So it just struck me as funny. But then I was also kind of curious being like, well, he doesn't mean like all stand up. I go, but no, you like, like, but like Richard Pryor though. You don't mean like Richard Pryor. He goes, yeah, no, I don't, I don't find him funny. I go, you don't find Richard Pryfon? He goes, nah, nah. You know, I was, I had an acting gig and the other actor was playing me records of his and, and he was laughing and I just, I just, just, I don't, I don't know, I just, I just don't find it funny. And I was like, huh?

[Nia Renée Hill]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

And then like a month ago, I ran into another actor, the actor that was playing that record for that person. Because in that story I respected the other person because I was like, oh, wow, they have Richard Pryor albums. I like that person. So I ran into that person and I mentioned to him, I go, you know, a long time ago I actually worked with an actor that worked with you. And I brought up the actor's name, and right as I said the actor's name, he looked at me and he goes, humorless. Humorless. And I just fucking died laughing. It took 30 years. 30 years of me sitting there. Like, every once in a while, I would just think about it. Like, that was the only person I ever met that ever said Richard Pryor wasn't funny. I was like, I can't believe this guy. Like, it was like. It was. It was right up there. Like when I watched that Ginger Baker documentary, and the gingerbreaker goes, when they brought up John Bonham, he goes. He's like, john Bonham couldn't swing a sack of shit. And I was just like, oh, my God. I have never heard anybody trash John Bonham. I've never heard anybody say that John Bonham wasn't a good drummer. I mean, I know that guy. That guy was, like, petty as fucking. Oh, my God. Like, if you ever want to see, like, what it looks like to not be hugged as a child, just listen to Ginger Baker. Jesus Christ, that guy needed a Hallmark card every day for the rest of his life just. Just to get maybe level. Beware of Mr. Baker. You got to see that. That documentary. It's, like, insane. It's insane. I would say more, but the man passed away so out of respect, you know? But Jesus. Jesus ego on that guy. Not saying he wasn't a great drummer, but Jesus Christ. Like, was it that hard to be a ginger back then? It must have been. I mean, they must. You know, they called him Ginger Baker, but it wasn't really considered an insult back then. Somewhere along the line that, like, it used to. No, everybody here used to call you a redhead. And then over overseas, it was, he's a ginger. But even then, you know, it's always been. There's always been, like, a low level of hostility slash mocking for us redheads. But then somehow when Ginger came over here, that was like. You know, it was. They. They. People were saying it, and it felt like a racial slur. I remember this woman on an acting gate, she goes, do you mind if I call you a ginger? I'm like, no. How do you mean it? I mean, I. I didn't until you fucking asked that. Do you mind if I call you an actor, like, now? What are you thinking about my thoughts about acting anyway? Jesus, I think we covered a lot. I think we've covered a lot.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah, I think.

[Bill Burr]

I think we did. I think I'm watching baseball. I think I'm still against war. I don't think it.

[Nia Renée Hill]

There's.

[Bill Burr]

There's no reason for it whatsoever. There is absolutely no reason for it. I guess if someone, like. I don't know how we ended up this way. We kind of never grew out of it. You know what I mean? It's kind of amazing that they're making bike lanes. You know what I mean? They're making. They. They're making bike lanes, but, like, you can still, like, shoot missiles at people in an act of war, like, trying to turn all these American towns into, like, maybery while they're. While they're doing that stuff. I did see this funny Instagram thing where this building was all closed and it said, condos coming soon, and this guy was standing outside of it acting like he was excited. Anyway, I finished that movie. Body Heat. William Hurt and Kathleen Turner, Ted Danson. Fantastic movie. Fantastic movie. It's on the Criterion Channel and the Miami Collections. Like, there's these. All these movies from my out that all take place. Miami Blues, Body Heat, I think the Miami Vice movie. No, Scarface, though. I don't think they had a Scarface. But all the. All movies that. That were shot in Miami, it's really. It's really cool. And William Hurt is amazing. He's amazing. It's almost like if you ever saw that movie, the Last Seduction, it's like it lives in that world, but like 10, 12 years before that movie, another great one. Anyway. A lot of saxophone sex scenes. Saxophone playing in the background, sex scenes like that. That was the instrument of choice. If two actors were pretending they were boning in a movie, you had to have a saxophone or something with some sort of synthesizer underneath it. A lot of times, for whatever reason, the saxophone was the instrument of penetration cinema during those years. Like, there's a good one for Criterion, right? Criterion, I would say, would be the. The Saxophone Sex scene collection. Take my breath Away. That was a synth. Can you imagine hooking up with the woman, putting that song on? Let's just say it was never in a movie. But to have a song that literal playing while you're trying to get her motor going. Take my breath away it's like she's sitting there looking at you like, why don't you do that? Instead of, like, trying to hypnotize me with this music. All right there, buddy. If you take my breath away, you take it away. It's not going to happen because you put a song on that said, take my breath away I can find your clit do, do, do, do and you haven't but she thinks she did because that song's on in the background. Yeah, it was just. You know what it was, it was a simpler time. Old Billy Daily driver, I think I might have find it. Found a car. It's on one of those. One of those websites there where you got to put a bid in, which is exciting. I'll let you guys look like you, you know, if I get the car. I'll let you know. I'll let you know. I'll let you know what I get. Like. Like you're hanging on my every word. All right, that's it. Okay. Go Red Sox. War should not be legal. And, you know, be nice to each other. How about that? All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 31, 2017. What's going on? How are you? What's going on? Oh, Jesus Christ. How's your summer, huh? Is it going to be a heat wave? The heat's coming back. Oh, my God. Please try to stay inside, inside the air conditioning. If you don't have air conditioning, please try to remember to keep your windows open and stick your head through the opening in the window, not in the solid part of the wal. You know when they do that shit on the news and they try to help old people not die in the summer heat. What a fucking way to go. You live almost a century and, you know, you've lived through the wars, you've lived through the Depression, you've lived through the fucking New York in the 70s and all that. What finally gets you a hot summer day? And you're just sitting there, ah, what am I so sweating for? And you just can't. You just can't get to the window. It's like when you'd watch wrestling, right? And it's one of those tag team wrestling matches, and the guy just can't get to his teammate to fucking slap his hand and tag him in. That's what it is. And that's it. They lay there, they find him face down in wrestling trunks. The greatest generation storm the beaches of Normandy taken out by a fucking heat wave. Does it every year. How many heroes, how many years people are we going to put up with the sun taking another one of our heroes away? I swear to God. You know, maybe if there was a different administration, they would handle the threat of the sun, right? Am I talking politics now? Is that what I'm Doing? Let's talk politics. Why? Why do we keep fucking with this douche in Korea? Why don't you just leave them alone? You know what I mean? It's like when you're on the subway and the crazy guy comes in the car. You don't look at him, you don't start talking to him. Just fucking leave him alone. Leave him alone. Here's another thing, too. Why don't they just let the fucking guy, you know, run his country the way he wants to run his fucking country? Send some food in there, feed the fucking people. Why does he have to have the same fucking ideas about strip malls that we do? In order us, for us to get along with them, huh? Haven't we proven that it doesn't matter what kind of government you have, in the end there's going to be human beings running it, so they're going to selfishly fuck the whole thing up anyways. Who gives a shit if he's over there lighting off his fucking M80s? Let him do it. The guy is clearly unbelievably insecure. He clearly is trying to somehow follow in the footsteps of his dad's giant fucking shoes. Although he's probably smaller. I don't know how tall those guys are over there, but whatever. Tall for over there, big shoes for North Korea. Especially with all the lack of nutrition that's got to stunt the growth of your feet. He's there, right? Why don't they just, you know, we should. Like when he shoots something off, we should just feed his ego. Oh, there you go.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Way to go there.

[Bill Burr]

Kim Jong Il, the second. Whatever your name is. Hey, you fatty cakes. That was a good one, dude. That's sick. You like that? Look at. Look at ours. That's awesome. Fist bump. Good man. Good man. Hey, you say, here's a copy of the last year's Super Bowl. Check it out, man. It's fucking amazing. What do you got? You got a Gangnam Style dvd? You want to trade with us? Why can't we just try to get along with this guy? What is the fucking problem.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Huh?

[Bill Burr]

Like we give a shit what the fuck he's doing to his people? These cunts who run shit over here, they don't give a fuck how many people are upside down in their own house. They didn't give a fuck about the people in New Orleans. They give a fuck about those people in North Korea. No, they do not. No, they do not. You know what it is? They're sitting on a bunch of material that you could turn into those Dr. Those beats by Dre. And God damn it, we want it. So that's what we're gonna do. We're act like this fucking goddamn fatso with his fucking three missiles is going to be a problem. Yeah. I don't understand. Just leave the guy alone. They're talking now, right? According to Google News that. I didn't even read it. All I did was just click on it. Says US Allies prepared to use overwhelming force in North Korea. General says we're prepared to shoot a bunch of missiles in his general area. Says the general hoping that one of them lands on him and we kill as few innocent people as possible. They would never say that. The U.S. and its allies are prepared to use rapid and lethal. Rapid. Lethal and overwhelming force if necessary against North Korea. The commander of the U.S. pacific Air Force's warned Saturday night. And why are we doing this? Because this guy's shooting off his own fireworks because he's testing missiles the way we do. North Korea remains the most urgent threat to regional stability. O Shaughnessy said. O', Shaughnessy, you've done it again. Jesus Christ. Do we really got to go in there and blow this guy up with a bunch of other people just trying to fucking get to work? There's got to be another way to do it. Don't. Don't. Don't we have any James Bond guys that can just kind of go in there and start banging the hottest chicks in North Korea as they suddenly try to kill him, you know, but the power of his dick is so overwhelming they forget to kill him. And then he realized. Then by the time they realized I was supposed to kill that guy, but I was so busy having orgasms, right? He's already out the door. He's got the passcodes and then he goes down there. How would you kill that guy? How would you kill that fat bastard? You know? You know what I would do? I'd give him a honey of a ham, you know, the glazed ones that they have around Christmas. Except in the glaze would be some sort of cyanide. That's where you hide the poison, you know. And he would just be staring at it and he would just. Mouth would be watering so much that he couldn't wait for the official taste tester to give it a try, you know, and he would literally die while making himself a sandwich. You know when you're so hungry you're making the sandwich and you're already fucking throwing chunks of meat in your mouth? That's what he would be doing. So it'd be Two price. What is this? He look. He looks like a white bread guy, doesn't he? He's definitely not a multigrain, you know. Do you think he gets an everything bagel on the way to work every day? That hairless bastard. I bet he doesn't even have to wear deodorant. You know, there's a lot of things to like about him. He's fat, you know, so he's non threatening, you know, that means he likes, he likes to stay up late, Netflix and chill. You can see that about him, you know. You think he knows how to dance. Have you noticed that about little people.

[Nia Renée Hill]

And.

[Bill Burr]

And fat people? They transcend race when it comes to dancing. You know, it's like white guys can't dance pretty much general. Unless they're fat or they're a little person. Then all of a sudden they're just fucking. It's just like, wow. Were you in the Beat it video? What's going on here? It's because they had to. That's what happens. You have to. There's a certain amount of ice cream that you eat where the laws of nature just take over. And at some point you have to learn how to dance or you're just going to be heading into an abyss of sadness that, you know, there's not enough Chips Ahoy in the world can fill that void. Or is it that they, they get that sweat into the oldies Richard Simmons thing and that just kind of launches this talent. They didn't know. This is just for fat people. I don't know about little people. You know, I think little people, because they're down at the ground, they can see the steps easier, you know, where like when Michael Jackson first moonwalked, you know, everybody was as tall as Michael Jackson so we couldn't figure out what he was doing with his feet. But little people were down at the ground. They. I got that shit right. And the next day you're in the subway. Don, Don, don't, don't, don't. Boom, boom. And it was like fucking eight little people all coming at you. I'm telling you. Nia, did you ever see that? You ever go into the subways of Brooklyn and there was a bunch of little people doing. Recreating the bad video?

[Nia Renée Hill]

No.

[Bill Burr]

Cause I'm bad. I'm bad.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No.

[Bill Burr]

What's going on? I'm in a stupid mood. I'm trying to. How would you solve North Korea?

[Nia Renée Hill]

I have no idea.

[Bill Burr]

You know, it's funny. He's like a. He's like baby fat. That's what I like about that guy. Like, if he wore shorts, it probably looked like old cutie pies there. Are you getting ready for a nap? Oh, you did, you did. You want to go to Brooklyn today and watch us eat real people food while you keep drinking milk?

[Nia Renée Hill]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, is that our. No, I don't know. I don't know what I was talking. I was talking about some fucking stupid shit. Yeah, so why, why.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Like, honestly, what.

[Bill Burr]

Would happen if we just left that guy alone? You know what would happen if you just. I'm seriously asking this. If you lifted all the sanctions and he was able to trade with the world and they were able to fucking get some. Some food in there, Whatever the going on, if you just honestly just let him do his. I mean, we shoot our missiles all the time. We don't use. Oh, yeah, we do. This is what kills me. How do we even know what the he's doing over there? Who has time to be watching this? Can you imagine if that was your goddamn job? And then you're going home on the subway, and then you sit next to me and you're watching me losing my shit because I can't download the new operating system, and you're sitting there dealing with the fact that there's some chubby little fella on the other side of the world shooting us some shit that could possibly be on its way over here right now? I don't know. Do you think if the animals had the abilities, had the ability to shoot those missiles, do you think they would do it in an effort to try to wipe all of us out so they could just go back to fucking catching trout in a stream? You know, if there was going to be an animal out there that would betray us, which, which species do you think it would be? You know, it have to be something at least at the level of a bear. Reptiles are out. Reptiles are like, you know, they're, they're, they're like, you know, they're those kids that go to the. The, like. Reptiles have like, learning disabilities, right? They have like dyslexia, add. You know, they're like the Ritalin kids of the animal kingdom. Are they even considered an animal? Is a reptile an animal? I always forget this. An amphibian.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Right?

[Bill Burr]

An amphibian is something that can be. It's like Aquaman, right? He's out of the ocean, he's talking to a dolphin. And then later on that night, you know, he's getting sushi. Oh, that'd be up, right? He's on a Day getting sushi. There's dates sitting there looking at him like, you know, you just seem like you're somewhere else. You just got, like, the way of the world. And you're sitting there going like, I wonder if I'm eating. Somebody that helped me out one time, remember that shit? For some reason, they would all come and help them. They never really explained that, did they? Why they all liked him. Why they would interrupt whatever the fuck it is that they were doing to stop some other people in a boat. Because they're bringing a key of cocaine or some shit into the US and it's just like. Like a whale doesn't even know what cocaine is. Why is it going to hurt its tail smashing this boat? Because as much as it can smash the boat, this. This pointy stuff right there's the mast and all of that. He could hurt himself and all he gets is a thank you.

[Nia Renée Hill]

You know.

[Bill Burr]

Does Aquaman go, hey, thanks a lot, by the way, there's a bunch of plankton over there. Little heads up, no one's seen it yet. Ah, thank you, Aquaman. He never. Did you just be like, oh, thank you. How fucking insecure are these goddamn fish? Here's another thing, too. I'm sick of fucking hot newscasters. Male and female. All right, what are you. What are you trying to do here? You know, I don't need to be aroused when I'm fucking listening to world news. Holy shit. What happened to that fucking lady's face? Oh, it won't go down. Come on, go down. Scroll down. Oh, man, I don't. I don't get how to use computers. There's something on the side. Where is it?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Where's the lady?

[Bill Burr]

All right, an Arizona woman played dead. All right, wait a second. Oh, this is all this clickbait stuff. Kendall Jenner's nude photo Sparks. Who gives a shit? She really is the best looking one of all of them, isn't she? No offense to Caitlyn. All right, so I guess now we're going. So we're going to. We're having a war with Afghanistan. We're having one with Iraq, and. And now we're going to have one with North Korea. You know, isn't this like when Home Depot opened so many fucking locations, they, like, started putting each other out of business. All right, Jesus Christ. We're going to do another one. We're going to start another one. All right, what are you going to do? Eh, you know, what the fuck? I guess. I mean, what do I know? I'm just another asshole with the podcast, just trying to struggle through an hour. You know what I really wish? I just wish, like, you know, why can't they just do it? There's some guy shooting off his firecrackers. You don't like it, just go fucking do it. Stop dragging me into it, showing me what this guy can do and how his missiles can fucking, you know, his little Roman candle can fucking somehow land on my house. What does that do for me? What am I gonna do? Stop putting some plywood up on top of my house like a hurricane's coming? Christ, you're in the fucking Navy. You go. That's your job. Is it world news when I can't put together my new hour of stand up? Oh, shut up. Go fuck yourself. What do you want from me? So. Oh, anyway, so my. My daughter was grabbing onto this pleather couch that we have here, all right, because she's learned. She's learning to crawl. And it was funny. She was, like, planking today, you know, doing, like, not like what the kids did on the Internet. We just laid face down. Face planting is what I thought it should be called. She was, like, literally doing. She was in upper push up position. How about that? The upper push up position. And she was learning something. And, you know, and I should have just let her figure shit out. Instead, I went, there you go. There you go. And then she just dropped down to the floor, looked up at me and smiled and was like, I just distracted her. So anyways, they got this pleather couch here, and her fingernails are really long, and she was making that fingernail down the chalkboard sound, and it was driving me nuts. So against my gut, I decided to cut her fingernails, which I do. Nia has told me to do. I said, I don't want to do it. Her fingers are too small. She wiggles them around, and it's. I don't want to do it. So I got the first four done correctly, and then I did her thumb. And she made this face and started crying. And I looked because she was wiggling her finger, and I thought I was underneath it, and I just. Just gave her the little. Little cut on her. God. And now the family's here. I gotta go get some pizza. I'll talk to you. Am I really gonna pause in this right now? So I made, like, a little cut on her finger, and it was.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I.

[Bill Burr]

Probably the worst feeling I've had as an adult. And, you know, and she was fine two seconds later. But for the rest of the night, every time she cried, I was convinced it was because of that little fucking scratch I put on her finger. Worst fucking feeling ever. And I don't know why I had to pass that on to you. But you know what? If they can sit there and tell me that this little fucking fat shit over there was shooting off his.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I guess that's what you do.

[Bill Burr]

I'm gonna let you know what's going. Everything awful that's going on in the world, and I'll let you know what's.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Going on in my world.

[Bill Burr]

That was awful and. All right, I got to get off the. Hang on a second.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Hang on one second.

[Bill Burr]

Let me see what's going on as far as people who are coming over. Jesus, I got too much family here to keep going. I'll try to go for another few minutes here. So, yeah, so that happened, and I just immediately stopped. So now she has, like, short fingernails on one hand and long ones on the other, and I'm trying to get my wife to clip the other ones. She hasn't had the time. And it's driving me nuts aesthetically, you.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

It's like, the fact that, like, the fact that five of her fingers I have short nails and the other five don't is driving me crazy. I don't know why. It's the same thing, you know, when black guys walk around with their pants hanging off their ass? Like, there's that. You just want to pull them up, you know? And then the white guy version of that is those white guys that walk around with their shoes untied. It. I don't know why. It has no effect on my life. I don't know what it is. It drives me up the wall. Pull up your pants. Tie your fucking sneakers. Okay? Just. Can you be an adult? You ever seen those guys that take it to the point, literally, they have a long shirt on that goes past their ass, and then they have a belt. It's like, I don't know how they can still walk. I saw a guy one time, his pants were literally below his junk. I don't know. These crazy kids, you know, I guess they. Guess they have to keep taking it further than the generation before. I figure at some point that someone's got to be a rebel and go the other way. And you start yanking them up, you know, till you do the old man thing where it's right underneath your man boobs. Anyways, you know what I became fascinated with since I got here? Because New York has changed so much with all these glass towers. Tallest building in Manhattan. There's this new There used to be this place called the Drake Hotel where Zeppelin and all these guys stayed. And this place that replaced it is 432 Park Avenue. And you have to see the views of this place. It's so. It's so tall. Like, you can see the roundness of the world or the flatness, you know, depending on what you believe. You can see the end of, like. You know those people that. I think they think we kind of live in, like a giant coffee cup. Is that what it is? You know, I mean, there has to be, like, even people who fucking don't think it's round. It's got to be half round, right? Like, you cut a tennis ball in half, then you just filled it all in with land and ocean, right? Do they think it's like that? I don't know, dude. This building on the top floor, they have this website. I think on a clear day, you can almost see the Tappan Zee Bridge. You actually look over the Freedom Tower, past the Statue of Liberty, past Staten island, out to the ocean. And the top floor, I can't remember if I already talked about this in the podcast. Went for $95 million. I think you get the top two floors or something like that, and then the floor below it, the apartment below it, second highest one, is still for sale at 85 million bucks. And I think in the reason why that isn't selling is who the fuck is going to pay $85 million to still have some asshole walking on his ceilings? Can you keep it down up there? You know, some rich guy walking around? I think, you know, they probably. I would think at that point you could literally be wearing tap shoes. And, like, it's so expensive, the person below you can't hear it. They gotta have some sort of soundproofing or spongy floors. I don't know what it is because I know people who are. That goddamn rich would not tolerate listening to somebody walk. You probably have a herd of horses up there. The person below it wouldn't have it. So probably the reason it's not selling is they just can't handle it. They can't handle. If you have that kind of money, you want to be the swinging dick in your building. There's somebody else above you dropping his junk on your forehead every time you walk out. The wind out the door. Can't have that. What I did find interesting was that the. The building was so tall that he actually had to call the faa. Because I learned last time I was out here, I flew up to a gig in a Helicopter, Right. I just wanted to see fly over the George Washington Bridge just to do it. And he said, bravo airspace, which would be LaGuardia, JFK, and Newark, was 900ft and above. And this building's like 1300 and change. So it actually literally goes up into commercial airspace. So at nighttime, there's like, these floors that are always lit, which is pretty cool. And I don't know if that's because of the. The FAA or what. They usually just have, like, blinking red lights on the top or something like that. Like, hey, don't hit this, man. Anyways, I don't know. Who has that kind of money? Who has that kind of money? How long is that elevator ride? And also, how long before somebody base jumps off the top of that thing? And if you did, could you make it out to Ellis Island? Actually, you know, something as far as, like, jumping that's not that high up if you're going to try to fly, right? When those guys. Don't they usually jump off a mountain? Ron Burgarty.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I wanted to shout it from a mountain.

[Bill Burr]

Don't they? Don't they? You jump off a mountain, they go all the way down a mountain, right? Jesus, Bill, you've really talked yourself into a corner here, haven't you? Yeah, I have. I have. You know what I was going to do last week? I was going to sing the praises of a water taxi, which I think I did. A water taxi about how great it was underrated. Taking the water taxi in New York from Manhattan to Brooklyn or vice versa there, Manhattan out to New Jersey, whatever you want to do. It's awesome, right? And no sooner. And I took the local, too. We made like 10 stops, and it took an extra half an hour, but it was just relaxing and it was beautiful. I made the mistake of saying how great it was. And like, three days after I said that, one of those yellow ones, the guy didn't slow down in time, and he smashed into the dock. And like, 30 people got hurt, which means really, probably 12 got hurt. The other 18 are looking for a payday. This guy just came. Came cruising in. He was probably texting. I just don't understand how you screw up that bad with a boat. There was. The weather was fine. It was a clear day. Like, what did you do? You just came cruising in. That was probably the guy's last run of the day. That chick he's been texting, he wanted a banger. She finally texted him back, hey, what are you doing? I'm at a bar on Pier whatever, right? And he was like, oh, fuck, it's going down. Oh, shit. Bam. Everybody goes flying. You know, in the boat I was on, the guy driving it, he's, like, surrounded by glass. So it's not like, you know, airline pilots, you know, when they have a hard landing, they just won't open the door, and they just stay there. You know, you can't see them because then you go into the Jetway. When you're on a boat, there's nowhere to hide. You know, people just walk by and you just been like, sorry about that. Jesus. Sorry about that. Everybody laying on the ground. I know I'm not supposed to laugh at stuff like that, but the end of the day, I wasn't on the boat, and no one I know got hurt. So there is something kind of hilarious about it. Unless somebody got seriously injured, you know, Is this going to spark an Internet controversy? Enough.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Is there going to be a group.

[Bill Burr]

Of six people that complain all at the exact same time? And it gets picked up, you know, we're going to go to war with North Korea. But first, podcasting. Can it go too far? All right, 25. I'm trying to get up to 30 minutes here, because I don't have any of the advertising right now, and I don't have any of the questions either. The New York Yankees are crushing it, ladies and gentlemen.

[Nia Renée Hill]

They are a.

[Bill Burr]

They were down five. Five games to the $200 million Boston Red Sox. My $200 million Boston Red Sox. Your $200 million Red Sox. Okay. Because when teams start spending that kind of money, like, it's got to come from somewhere. It can't just come from Red Sox fans. It even comes from people who are not Red Sox fans. So anyways, they. I don't know. We lost so many fucking games in a row. We finally won last night. Saturday night, I'm recording this Sunday and won nine to eight. Actually scored a bunch of runs for once, but the Yankees are just surging. But they're only up by half a game, and there's, like, I don't know, 900 games left. We'll see what happens. But I'm watching the Yankees all week on the YES network here. One of my favorite things to do, watch them and root against them. It's what I always did. And when I get the baseball package. I lived in New York for so long, it's hard for me to turn on the Red Sox, because for so long, my baseball watching was watching the yes network rooting against the Yankees. It's bizarre. And somewhere in there, sweet Caroline came out and I don't know, there's just a bunch of weird shit that happens at Fenway now. I went away for too long and I came back and I just don't recognize it. But I am back into it and I really wish our team would just focus on trying to win and stop getting into arguments with Dennis Eckersley.

[Nia Renée Hill]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

He's a Hall of Famer. He's, I love what he does. He's great at his job and I don't mind that he criticizes the freaking players and Jesus Christ. It's like all these stories that they, you know, people like, yeah, get the out of here. Yelling him on, like the team playing and everything. Like, why would you do that to a Hall of Famer?

[Nia Renée Hill]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

If a Hall of fame stand up comedian criticized my act, I would listen to him be like, all right, well.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Shit, evidently I need to work on.

[Bill Burr]

Some stuff, you know what I mean? I certainly wouldn't start screaming at him on the team comedian plane, which is basically a commercial airliner. All right, I'm going to take a break now because I got to go out with the family and I'll come back, I'll read some advertising and some questions. We will wrap it up. I have not watched the F1 race yet because I don't have the channel. And like I mentioned earlier, you know, I don't know a lot of people that are into it. None of my friends are. So no one's really going to ruin it for me. But if I had to guess, I really, I hope Lewis Hamilton didn't win again. I hope he's just not going to run away from this thing and it just becomes Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes, like it did last year. I hope Vettel one, you know, just to keep it, keep it exciting before they go on the break or whatever.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Alright, that's it.

[Bill Burr]

I'm done babbling. I will. Well, for you guys it'll be like two seconds. I'll be back in two seconds.

[Nia Renée Hill]

All right. Hey. And I'm back. I hope this isn't too loud. I fucking. The battery ran out of my other thing. This is me continuing on with the Monday morning podcast. Oh, the lovely Mia. How are you this morning? I know you're not in a good mood. She's not in a good mood. You know, every couple when you travel there's the one person that's freaking out that we're gonna miss the plane and then there's the other person who could like give a shit. Nia's the one that freaks out. Like, oh, my God, did we leave enough time? Did we bring extra batteries in case there's no flashlights on the plane? Like, I don't even. You know, I don't even know what airline we're out. Delta. Delta? Are we on Delta?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I never fucking know. You know what? I. On the way to the airport, when the driver goes, you know, I always know what airport I'm going to. For the most part, the dude just goes, what airline? And that's when I check my itinerary, my 10 rate. I am going on Virgin. I am going on United. Ooh, Mommy. Baby. All right, so since I last talked to you, which was yesterday, the Yankees, duh, Yankees lose, but so did the Red Sox. We're still a half a game out, by the way, New York sports press. Enough with the Judge shit. Jesus Christ. All rise. Then they had this thing, you know, because he's got the gap between his teeth. They're like, the tooth. The whole tooth, and nothing but the. We get it. His last name is Judge. Jesus fucking Christ. Why does. Why do sports pages get away with puns? You know, every fucking other day, they got some stupid pun on the back of the sports page because they can't write a fucking joke. And they shouldn't be able to because they're sports writers. Should just tell me who won the game, okay? I don't need you to say, oh, Jeeter. Oh, golly Jeter. Like, why does it always have to be a pun sitting in there? You're all a bunch of writers. You can't come up with anything better than that. The tooth. The whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. Ugh.

[Bill Burr]

They're just, like, fucking. It just ruined my goddamn day.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I hate when I record just off my fucking computer. This fucking goddamn air conditioning will not shut off.

[Bill Burr]

Just shut off already. So fucking loud.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Off. Off. Yeah, off. Why is it still on mode? Low, high, full low. There's no fucking option here. And off. That did it. Sorry. Fucking.

[Bill Burr]

This fucking goddamn air conditioner.

[Nia Renée Hill]

It either doesn't work or it's drowning out conversation. You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

It's like somebody you're just hoping is.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Gonna pass out, but that last 10 minutes before they do, they're just interrupting everybody.

[Bill Burr]

That's what this fucking air conditioning is like.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Anyways, let's get to some of the advertising here for this week. Where the fuck is it?

[Bill Burr]

No, that's not it. God dang it. Come on, come on.

[Nia Renée Hill]

We can do it. Oh, look. Oh, look who's here. Oh, would you look at this? It's a whole zip. Hey, how about it for O.J. simpson, huh? He's out again. What's he gonna do? He's out again. He's gonna kill not one, but two. He's out again. It's OJ Run for your lives. I love when he said, you know, I've lived a pretty confrontation. Confrontation, free life.

[Bill Burr]

And that is true.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Other than when he killed those two people, I mean, he was a hell of a guy. All right, here we go. Let's. Let's read some of the questions here for this week. Microchipping says Revelation 13:17. It's called Mark of the Beast now. Sorry for this. Click here. This is going to be loud. Block your ears. 3, 2, 1, click. Where the fuck is it? I know, I looked it up. Here we go. Revelation. This is the exact reason why I don't read the bible library. Revelation 3:17. See if I can get this here. The temple of God was opened in heaven, and there was seen in his temple the ark of his testament. The ark of God's testament is the holy of holies. The second apartment of the sanctuary. You already lost me. Okay, evidently you can rent a room out in his church. He already has one other tenant. In the ministration of the early tabernacle, which served unto the example and shadow of. Of heavenly things, this apartment was opened only by the great day of atonement for the cleansing of the sanctuary. Therefore, the announcement that the temple of God was opened. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. So I guess that explains microchipping. Thank you, Bible. That really is the good book. I mean, I would. I think I understand my computers more than I get the Bible. I just. Why can't they just write it in fucking today's English? They do that with every other book of lies. No kidding. All right, I work for the microchip company in Wisconsin, okay? Some stick fuck offered my boss a TV show. What the fuck are they going to call it? How to shed your employees rights? Thanks, asshole. Sorry, just venting. Love your stuff. Thank God for your gifts. You don't punch a clock for Satan. Well, neither do you. You just work for a company in Wisconsin, Quit the fucking job. Then what do I do? I don't know. Collect unemployment and not be microchipped? Come on, people. Don't give Delta Airlines your fingerprints. All right, please don't do this, people. Please don't give in to this. Don't go to Tiger Stadium and give them your fingerprints so you don't have to stand in line for a fucking pretzel, you fucking dope. And please don't be dumb enough to think, well, dude, my credit's fucked. Good luck. If somebody steals my identity, dummy, they're gonna create a false credit report. All they need is the Lee Harvey Oswald to pin it on, which will be you and your fingerprints, you fucking dope. Yeah, you know, in the future, there's gonna be a knock on the door and they're gonna question why you killed a hooker. And the Ukraine, and you'll be like, I've never been there in my life. Oh, yeah, your fingerprints were. Here's the story of a person who didn't kill a hooker.

[Bill Burr]

Now he's getting banged in the ass.

[Nia Renée Hill]

In the Ukraine because he left his fingerprints at the ballpark because he wanted a Coors Light. All right, sorry. All right, vacuums Gathering information. Hey, big bald Billy. Thought you might enjoy this article in regards to your recent podcast on companies and fingerprints. Now it seems like those robotic vacuums are selling maps of the inside of your house so you can get furniture ads. Yay. Massive Aussie fan. Can't wait to hopefully see. See you when I go over to the US in the spring of 2018. Yeah, things are just changing so friggin rapidly. You know, that was really gonna be interesting is when they microchip everybody, okay? They microchip everybody and then they put all the cash. There's no longer any cash. What's gonna be interesting then is all these fucking, you know, drug dealers, all these fucking, I don't know anybody who just didn't trust banks and put a sack of money in the fucking wall. What do you do with that now? You know, now it's all on you. Now that's not even worth anything. You got to show up with all this shit. They'll be like, hey man, where did you get this money? And you're gonna be like, hey man, I earned this money and I already paid taxes on it, man. And they're gonna be like, hey man, you gotta prove that. And like, hey man, I can't. And then they're gonna be like, hey man, well then fuck your bag of cash. What's going on, Nino? Did you like my song about getting microchips? I didn't hear. Doo doo doo doo doo. Here's the story. Ah, you're just walking around, you're getting ready. Nia. You get so nervous on days where we fly, you're not going to be Jesus. Okay, well, that was fun. Yeah. So anyways, these Fucking lazy ass fat fucks buy these computers that just. These little robots that they sweep up after them, you know, as they're eating like Ritz crackers with like ice cream in the middle of it. Whatever fat people do, right, they're always creating some new food, some unholy matrimony of carbohydrates and fucking sugars.

[Bill Burr]

They're too fucking lazy to get off.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Their ass and use a vacuum cleaner. So they have this robot do it and then they map the inside of this person's house, you know, so they could do what with it? I don't fucking know. So they can sell them an L shaped couch. Can fat people sit on L shaped couches? Can they swing their leg up to that? You know, that other side of it? I don't know why I'm making fun of the fatties today. Maybe because I started with that fucking guy over there in whatever his fucking name. I don't even know the guy's name, you know, because he's crazy. I don't need to know about this guy. We should get him to come over to the fucking Detroit Tigers ballpark, get his fingerprints. Then we'll put it on something and we'll go over there and we'll arrest him. We'll stick him in O.J. s own cell. How mad would he be? Can you imagine if that guy ever went to jail? Just standing there, you know, all that hair on top of his head but nowhere else on his body. You know, he's one of those weird hairless adults, right? All right. Girlfriend broke up with me because I like your podcast. Thanks me. Thanks for helping me weed out the cunts, mate. Come back to SK Sometime, Saskatchewan. Hope you enjoyed it there. Girlfriend broke up with me because I like your podcast. I would like to heard more details on that one. What was it that she didn't like about the podcast? My annoying voice? My tone deaf singing? My inability to read out loud. All right. Addiction to online prostitution. Tuition. Tuition. Dear Trojan Bill, over the course of the last year, I've become addicted to online prostitution. Jesus. Jesus Christ, dude, the courage you have. You just go online and you just have her come over to your fucking place like you're ordering a goddamn pizza. What is it like when you look through that fucking hole and you see her walking down the fucking hallway? The hole in your door, whatever you call that thing, the little sight thing. She comes stumbling out of the elevator. It started off as curiosity. What would it be like to fuck a stranger for money? And snowballed into me spending A percentage of almost every paycheck on hookers, anywhere from 60 to 300. Try to stick with the $300 hooker. You really get what you pay for. Boot, boot, Boop. Here's the story of a bunch of venereal diseases. He said, I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago. She had no idea, but I didn't want to drag her into this. Well, dude, you can't fucking do this when you're in a relationship with somebody. He said, I recently got tested and I came up clean. Thank God was what I was going to say. And he wrote it, too. Thank God no one knows that I do this, and I prefer to keep it that way. But I can't help myself from going onto those websites and meeting up with these women. I feel like it's getting worse every month. It's already cost me my relationship. It's costing me a fortune. And I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone I know for help. What should I do? And I'm sorry if Nia is in the room and completely disgusted by this. I'm pretty disgusted with myself, too. All right, this is what you have to do. The second you wake up, you got to rub one out, all right? And then you go to work, and at lunch you go, that was delicious. Excuse me. And you excuse yourself. You go in and you rub one out in the bathroom right now. Unless you can. Unless you can't lock the door. And then when you come home, rub one out again, okay? And then that's it. And then you take your fucking phone and you throw it in the freezer. If you have a landline, you rip it out of the wall. I actually, if I was you, it's like, this is like. If you're spending this amount of money, I would just. I would go to a therapist, you know, and just say, yeah, I'm addicted to online prostitution. I mean, therapists hear everything. Okay, that's actually like. That's like easy listening music to them compared to some of the shit they have. You know, people come in there and talk about how they got molested by one of their parents. I mean, it's crazy shit. You're just like, hey, you know, I like banging hookers. It's cost me a lot of money, and I'd like to stop. And they'd be like, oh, my God, you're sort of functional. By all means, lay down on my couch and let's fucking talk about this. Why do you feel you want to get prostitutes? Why wouldn't you want to be with A real girl. A regular woman. All right. I snooped through my husband's phone. Isn't that a song? Isn't it? I snooped through my husband's phone and I liked it. Isn't that a fucking song? I don't know. Good morning, Billy. Good morning, Billy. On Sunday morning, my husband had his work phone alarm set to 5.30am of course, the only person it wakes up is me. After I turned the alarm off, I decided to go through his phone. You fucking whores. Do we go through your shit? There's such fucking whores. I have to admit that it wasn't my proudest moment. All right, then I forgive you. You're a nice person. See how I just jump around? But I am insecure. While looking at his message, I see that there are texts from a phone number without contact information and quickly figure out it is his ex girlfriend's number in the text message. There's a lot of flirting as well as my husband complaining about my appearance. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, this is what you get for snooping and eventually asking her to get drinks together while we were visiting his family for Father's Day in their hometown. Oh, Jesus. They were together for six years, on and off through college and high school. She cheated on him more than once. Then when we got together, she harassed me on Facebook and took an eight hour bus ride to try and meet me. Oh yeah. So this bitch is crazy. Crazy. And she's great in bed. That's what's going on. I had to ignore all my initial reactions toward her and just ended up ignoring her. I didn't want her in my life. I confronted him about it and his only response was why would I go into his phone? And that if I go looking for something, I'm going to find it. Jesus Christ. When I asked him why he did it, he just said he didn't know. He has ignored me ever since. Not sure where to go from here. Thank you. You are amazing at colossal cluster fest. Too bad you didn't get to finish your set. Hopefully you're in the Bay area again soon. All right. You know something? I apologize for calling you a whore 15 fucking times and all of womanhood whores. Well, he's not leaving any doors open here. I guess what I would do is Nia. She's too busy packing. I don't know. What do you do here? You're married. You obviously have kids. Unless you were just visiting his father for Father's Day. Well, he's being a total bitch about it. I could tell you That I think you kind of need to have the what the fuck? Conversation. Like, do you think if you just like ignore me, this is gonna go away? Well, hey, you know what you snooped my phone for? If you're looking for something, you should find something. Well, yeah, well, I did and I did. Would you say that to the cops? Hey, we found a kilo of cocaine in the trunk of your car. Well, what the fuck are you going through the trunk of my car for? You fucking looking for something, you're gonna find it and the cops gonna be like, oh, okay, he fucking deserves to give you a fucking explanation a little better than that. And then you decide if you want to work through it, and if he doesn't want to work through it, fucking dump his ass. This. This is, this is the best you can do? I mean, come on. You're better than this. Anybody's better than this. This guy. All right, Fuck does this get a guy get off pulling a move like that? A response like that? You know, I. I don't, I don't get that. And that's 100% not fair to you. Fuck this guy. Okay? And I'm not saying to leave the guy, but if he's not going to discuss it with you, then the fucking relationship's over. Right? The trust is gone. All right, good luck with that. And I'm sorry you're going through that. That's really unbelievably painful. And that's one of the worst fucking responses ever. Slash. A little legendary. I'm not gonna lie to you. Teaching guitar to a cute girl. Oh, Jesus, please tell me she's of age. I don't like the sound of this already. Alright. Hi Bill. I've been listening to your podcast for a while now. Just picturing this old guy applying BenGay as he listens to this. And I now know you lend you tend to give some solid romantic relationship advice. So I was wondering if you, and maybe the lovely Nia too, if she's around, could help me out with this one. About two years back, I met this girl in my let in my last year of university. We had a lot of the same classes together, so we started talking. We have a lot of the same interests. She's really smart, she's funny and nice and just all around my type. But it turns out she had a boyfriend, so I backed off pretty quickly. To this day we're friends and we try to meet up every couple of weeks. Is this when Harry met Sally or is this actually your life? So about two Months ago she messaged me saying she always wanted to learn how to play guitar and that she finally bought one she's into. You do? I've been playing guitar for years. So I told her I'd be happy to meet up with her and show her some easy stuff to get her started. It slowly morphed into this thing where every week we meet up after work for a couple hours. I'll teach her chords and stuff and we'll talk about life in general. Anyway, I noticed lately that a good chunk of the conversation has been about how she's been fighting with her boyfriend. The same guy as when we first met. Yet how many more fucking signals do you need? Jesus Christ, she gotta put Christmas lights around her fucking vagina there. She also keeps telling me how amazing I'm being for teaching her guitar and how I'm such a great guy. Plus, the last few weeks, if ever a boyfriend calls and we're together, she's been sending it straight to voicemail. Okay, all right, all right. What does she have to do? Grab you by the back of your neck and fucking push your face towards her? I mean, come on, starting this guy goes, I'm starting to get the feeling she might be interested. Call me crazy, but this is where I need your advice. I tend to overthink things. Yeah, I would say, because I tend to overthink things a lot in general. And I've actually had issues with anxiety, depression in the past. I was wondering if you and Nia could help me out here. And I'm reading. Am I reading too much into things or does it seem like she's actually showing some interest? I'll take any help on what I should do here. Congrats on your lovely daughter and getting the show picked up for season three. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yes, sir. Jesus Christ, you low self esteem jackass. Yeah, she's into you. So what do you mean? What you should you do here? Just, I would think, tell her how you feel. I would just say, listen, I hope I'm not out of line here. I know you have a boyfriend. I would just ask her, so what's going on with your boyfriend? You don't seem happy. You know, you're always sending it to saying you're always fighting. You're sending it to the voicemail. You know, you don't seem happy. Are you happy? And there's a 40% chance there she might cry when she finally says no and just say, listen, I really like you and I don't, I don't like seeing you unhappy? All right. And not for nothing, if you ever broke up with that guy, I'd love to take you out sometime. Now, would you like to learn how to do an F chord? That's it. How about that? F, as in fuck me. Yeah, that's what I would do. I just ask her about a relationship and she's gonna say, it's not going well, and then just say. Well, you know, just say what the fuck I just said. Put it in your own words. All right. What am I, Cyrano de Bergerac over here? Is that the right guy? Is that the guy?

[Bill Burr]

Tell her you're the man.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Tell her you're bad. Remember that. What was that? That was that Bruny Dangerfield movie. All right, I. I gotta go to the fucking airport. It's 9 o'. Clock. We're getting picked up in 45 minutes. And I haven't even packed yet or I had my fucking breakfast sandwich. There. That's it. That's it. Yeah, that is it. Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on Thursday. And I'm gonna go home today. I'm gonna watch the Formula one race. That's what the fuck I'm gonna. No, I'm not. I'm landing and I'm going directly into the F is for family. I got to go back and start writing. Okay, that's it. Go yourselves. I'll check in on you on. I already said this. On Thursday. All right, bye.