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Monday Morning Podcast
Dancing Robots, Tips, 90s Michael Douglas | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-21-26
01:41:40
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- [00:02]
A
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- [00:41]
B
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday Afternoon, Just before Friday Monday Morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Woo, woo, woo. What's going on, man? A third round of the playoffs. Playoffs. By the way, I haven't been talking any shit about the New York Knicks. How about them getting back to the Eastern Conference finals? Going up against the Cleveland Cavaliers, who got rid of the Detroit Pistons? Now I watch basketball from afar. I watch this shit from across the room. I just listen to what people are saying. I don't know. Detroit, Detroit's looking real tough. I don't know. I don't want to play Detroit. And then they fucking lose to the Cavaliers. All right? You know what's kind of funny is the amount of Cleveland Guardian fans who hate the name Guardian. You know what I mean? They think Indian sounds better. They hate guardians. But you're all right with Cavaliers. Don't be so cavalier. You have terrible names. The Browns, you know, the shits. It's just you guys went 0 for 3. I don't know what to tell you. I really don't know what to tell you. You really just. Guys need to get together and you know, you know, if you put the work in, if you put the work in, you can come up with some decent names. But you know to blame political correctness when you got the other two wrong. I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't know if I can co sign on that. As the kids say. As the kids say. Anyways, congratulations to the Cleveland Cavaliers. It's infectious to be around him. He's just so cavalier. But isn't a cavalier some sort of fucking, some sort of rape and like pillage person? Isn't it? Aren't they always a buccaneer, a pirate and all of that? Type of stuff. You're like, they turned him into, like, musicals. So then you didn't think they were that bad. And then you kind of like, oh, are they chopping people's arms off because they didn't bring enough. Enough gold that day. Oh, okay. It's all the same. Only the names are change. Sorry. Anyway, so congratulations to them. And then what do you got out in the West? You got the spurs and you got okc, and then you got the abs. You got the Vegas Knights, and then you have the Carolina Hurricanes and the surprise upstart Montreal Canadiens. So I don't know. I always watch the East. It's weird because I live out here, but I just. I don't know. The game comes on, whatever. I'm an old man. I can't stay up for the fucking regularly scheduled ones. Your game ends at 7pm I mean, you know, I'm watching your games. God damn it. I picked up this fucking. I don't know what. Allergies. As I've gotten older. I never used to have allergies. Now I'm like, allergic to shit. And I just said that on a podcast. So now what's going to happen is a bunch of people who aren't doctors but have the Internet are then going to tell me they're going to diagnose me through their own telephones. I mean, that's. That's. That's how it goes. That is how it goes. I was watching Nia showed me this video yesterday of some robot dancing to Michael Jackson, and it kept wiping out on the stairs and she thought it was fucking hilarious. And I don't find those things funny at all. I mean, I usually. I'm able to find the humor and shit, but I don't find those fucking things funny. I don't find them running funny, dancing funny. I don't find those fucking things funny at all. Because the people who are making them, okay, they're smart enough to make them, but who they're making them for, those people are out of their fucking minds. They're out of their minds. So isn't that funny? It fell down the stairs. What's not funny is the level of movement it had in between the falls is frightening because that would have been like, what the fuck? Like five years ago. Holy shit. It can do that. This thing can run 70 miles an hour. They're going to start having that. I'm analog, man. You know, give me a fat cop that you can outrun, you know, make them shoot you. Any. Who. What's to Report. Oh, there was, there was an ad on my little two seater helicopter. Some sort of something directive. I can't remember what anything stands for anymore. I just know when I see that. So I had to bring it into my camp. My mechanic, right. So I went up there yesterday, I washed it the day before and I pre flighted and everything. So what you do is every time you should check the fuel to make sure there's nothing in the fuel, there's no water, moisture in that type of in there. All looks clear, looks nice. And it's got the nice bluish hue. And then I check your oil and then you're good to go right after I've done the pre flight and all that. So bring the out. And I'm flying it one way, so I gotta lift it off the pad, set it down, shut it down again, take the pad, tow it back in, close the thing, walk back, get into the thing, get in it. No ATIs. The ATIs is down. They switch directions of the Runway. Gusts of 19 knots up to 19 knots. Dust Devils, dirt devils, whatever the fuck they call them. And then there's a fire in Simi Valley and there's a tfr. You gotta fly around and old freckles. I handled all of that no problem. I was really proud of myself. Winds were like 30 knots. I mean that's nothing for you guys that fly that big ship. But I'm up there. My little egg beater that bounces me around a little bit. But I was really excited about all of that, you know, that I knew how to do that. And I've been riding the Indian for a while and I hadn't taken out the fucking road glide. And that thing was twitchy. I was like, oh, this thing's got. Jesus. This thing's very cavalier. But anyway, with the kids and my work and everything, I don't get a chance to do a lot of that stuff. Part of being a dad. So it was a fun little. Even though I then, dude, I had to get take a Uber back. The guy texts me, he goes, all right, I'm dropping off one person and then I'm bringing you back and I'm going to get you back, dude. The guy didn't come for like a half hour and it was 4:08, which is a critical time. You're already with the traffic out here. And then he picked me up, it was like 4:35. It wasn't a full half hour. And I was just like. He's like, sorry about that. And I'm kind of like, well, you know, you didn't say it was going to be a half hour. He goes, I'm. You know. He goes, there's no drivers out here. And I was just like, all right, I get it. I get it. You're just another working man getting crushed by the cunt above you. And they're taking too much. You know, I went to some fucking greasy spoon and I got like, you know, I got like, you know, breakfast or whatever, and I. I go to put the tip in. I go, management doesn't take a portion of your tips, do they? She kind of rolled her eyes and go, even in this fucking place, they're such greedy cunts. I mean, the reason why I'm tipping is because they don't pay a minimum wage. And then they take a portion of the tip just because they can now, because it's on the credit card, because it's in their hand for the second. For a second, and they can't stop themselves. They literally cannot stop their fucking greedy asses from taking from these people that they don't even pay fucking minimum wage to. Oh, I'll tell you. I'll tell you, man. It's. It's the kind of thing that, you know, it makes you understand. Makes you understand certain things that people go out and do, you know, taking people behind the shed and give them a little what for. That's the worst things about cameras now being everywhere. You know, they're good because you can catch bad people, but every once in a while, a bad person needs a fucking beating, you know? Or as we used to call it, a life lesson. You can't do it anymore. The law protects these motherfuckers. Or at least the cameras do. These goddamn cameras are everywhere. So anyway, what else? I don't know what else. I've been thinking about doing some shit overseas. I got a. I got a little acting gig coming up. Got a couple weeks on something. And I'm thinking, well, I'm already over there. I might as well knock out a few. I haven't been to some of these places in a while. Why not go out there and do a little something something? Who knows? Who knows? I'll see. I'll see. But then also, I'm like, bill, don't do what you fucking always do. Each like, oh, my God, do I have a little downtime. Let me fill it all in. And. And then like a month later, I'll be like, ugh, I don't have any free time. Be that guy. Be that fucking guy. I went up and I did last night. I went down to the store and it was a fucking good night, man. You know, pulled in, ran into Annie. Letterman was the fucking best shot, the shit with her. And then I went in the back to do Josh's show, and at the end of the show, like, you give away stuff, and I had this baggage stuff. I just didn't have any room for it. And I refused to get, you know, a storage space. If you have a fucking house and, like, you still need to go get a storage space, it's time to fucking get rid of some shit. And the key is just to get rid of it. So I have this stuff over the years. You know, you go to gigs and people give you stuff, and then what happens with me is I hang onto it, and then I get sentimental, and then I can't get rid of it. So I look at the shit and I think, I wish I didn't have that. But then I go to get rid of it, and I'm like, oh, but that's the thing they gave me when I did that gig. And I had a. Had a good time, and I saw those people, you know, I start thinking like that. So I was able to do, like, I had so much stuff. I had, like, a couple of jerseys. You know, you go to a town and they. They. The sports team, like, if you did, like, a college day, and the number on the back was the year you did it. They were really cool, but, like, you know, I'm never going to wear them, and it's just cluttering up my office and, you know, I'll keep a couple, but I don't need, you know, as many as I have. And I, you know, whatever. So I brought it. I had everything from that to this Drew Bledsoe Buffalo Bills bobblehead, which I don't even remember when I got that. I was always a huge, huge, huge Drew Bledsoe fan. I mean, the guy had a fucking cannon. He had a cannon, you know, and he did right by the Patriots. He was fantastic. And that was always. That was all. That's, like the weirdest part of Patriots history is him losing his job to injury is kind of a crazy thing. I think that guy is brutally, brutally underrated. So anyways, I had this thing, so it was funny. I was just like, any Buffalo Bill fans out there? This one guy's fucking. Both hands go up and, you know, you gotta feel bad for fucking Buffalo fans. Jesus Christ. You know, Sabre's had a good year, though. You know, Sabres had a good year, but of course, you know, if they're gonna lose, it has to be game seven and it has to be at home. But did you see what those fans did? They started chanting, let's go, Buffalo. In the end, that's pretty fucking badass. I don't know how many fan bases that would do that. So I don't know, man. That. That was. That was like something they would put in, like a Hollywood movie. And everybody'd be like. Well, in real life, they'd be like, fuck this. And everybody would leave and try to beat the traffic like the Indian fans did. And every other fans do it. I'm not, you know, picking on them, but they're the most recent. I saw when they lost like eight to three in that game six. I mean, dude, that place was empty. It's fucking empty. I always stay to the end. And you know what? I stayed to the end of that Toronto game, that famous one. We scored like three goals to come back and win it. I was at that game and I stayed. I didn't stay. Cause I thought we were gonna win it. I just didn't want all the Toronto fans to just take over our fucking the Fleet center without getting a little bit of shit. So I was just mean mugging people. I had nothing. They were beating us. Then all of a sudden, they won it. And me and my buddy, fucking, we couldn't believe it. That was one of the best sports nights of my life. We walked out of there like, what the fuck just happened? And then we went over to the north end of that cigar bar on Hanover Street. I always forget the name of it. It's like Italian for cigar. Whatever. They meant stigmata. And we went over there and we were all in. There was a bunch of Bruins fans in there. And everybody was just grinning ear to ear with this look on their face like, how the fuck did that just happen? And I have that whole memory because I didn't leave. I didn't leave. But, you know, in defense of all those Canadian fans that left, they have the memory of not sitting in traffic and watching the rest of an 8 to 3 debacle. So I, you know, I don't know. Maybe I understand. I like to stay. You know, I went to that Dodger game the other day, and they. I think they lost five to nothing. And I ran into a buddy of mine, and he was like, oh, man. He goes, I watch every game. I watch every game. Or whatever. And I looked for him at the end of the game, and he was sitting there with his fiance. I'm like, there you go. That's a fucking, It's a die hard man. You can't find a lot of those, those people that'll stick around. You know, you beat somebody across the street and they come over and they fucking, they, they hand you the pistol. They beat him with like Henry Hill, you know, she fucking hit it. I got to admit, it turned me on. How great was she in that? Her whole relationship with their parents. What kind of people don't come home, Mom. I love how she was still acting like a little kid in that, yet she was so adult. She was married and she was married to a gangster who was like fucking out all night beating people with pistols and she was still acting like she was 15 and she was in embarrassing her in front of high school kids. I think that's so. I love when actors make choices like that. Speaking of which, I am so, so far behind the times on, on all of these movies that, that I, I have to watch. I. Oh my God, I watched this one. Nia started watching last night. She. Oh, cuz, she's like, this movie's ridiculous. We have to watch this. What the was it called? It had Michael Douglas and Demi Moore in it and it was like reverse sexual harassment. Like she sexually harassed him. You know, like he's, she's like sucking his dick and he's going like, no, no, cut it, cut it out. Get, get my dick out of your mouth. Jesus Christ. No means no. Yeah. I wonder how that movie got greenlit. I think all of a sudden once sexual harassment started coming out all, there was quite a few people in positions of power that wanted to get like a different, a different take on sexual harassment. Let's get the, the Hunger Games version. I like when the rich people are chasing the poor, not the other way around. I don't like when the harassed are pointing out the harassers. I want the harassers to be shown. Not saying there's not some psycho chicks out there, but it was just fucking. It was ridiculous. In what world can a man stop a woman from blowing him? She took his dick out and the whole time he's going, no, go. Ah geez. Oh stop it. Oh God. Like, you know, the passion was so great. He couldn't stop, but he wanted to stop. Then all of a sudden, in the middle of, he just turns around, he goes, all right, you want to get fucked, right? He does the classic Michael Douglas going to bench over some furniture. Like he was bending all the women over. Like nobody bent women over more couches than Michael Douglas in the early fucking 90s, like, he almost created his own genre of film, right? And he fucking. He goes, all right, you want to get fucked, right? And he fucking climbs on top rope with his stupid Dockers, and then he's going to fucking, you know, give her the business. And then he sees his face in the mirror and he's like, I can't do this. I can't do this. Right? So then somehow, like, that's all that. That meant you were a good man in the early 90s, that you went that far. That she sucked your dick for a little bit and you grabbed her titties and ass, and then you grabbed her by the throat and said, all right, you want to get fucked? And you took your dick the rest of the way out. But then if you caught your face in the mirror and went like, wait a minute, what am I doing? Then you were actually an empathetic person. So, yeah, she was watching that one. And we were just fucking. We were dying. Dying, laughing. You hear what I was talking about?
- [19:35]
C
Are you talking about disclosure?
- [19:37]
B
Oh, disclosure. How great was that movie?
- [19:40]
C
That movie is so ridiculous. Looking at it now as an adult. I was in high school when that movie came out, and I remember being so, like, titillated by it, you know, Like, I'm a kid and I look at it now and I'm like, this is the most ridiculous piece of nonsense written by a fucking white guy. Seeing all of his friends and possibly himself getting called out for sexual harassment.
- [20:04]
B
Oh, yeah. They saw it coming. They saw it coming. They were like, you know what?
- [20:07]
C
I'm gonna make a movie where it's the woman. The woman does it and, like, turn it on its head like, go fuck yourself.
- [20:13]
B
Also, he needed a smoking gun. The guy who wrote that.
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C
Yeah, exactly.
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B
Not the guy who wrote it. The guy who commissioned it, like, green lit that.
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C
Right, exactly. And it's like, who is most likely to face, like, workplace sexual harassment? It's not the men.
- [20:25]
B
You know, I gotta admit, there's been times in my life where I didn't want my dick sucked and just was taking my belt off, and I was going, stop it. Stop it.
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C
Stop.
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B
What are you doing? No, please, no.
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C
And also this whole. Whole era of Michael Douglas's career where he was just fucking crazy bitches. Like, I mean, honestly, like, the biggest insult for me is the idea that Michael Douglas is that hot that these women are willing to ruin their careers. We're killing bunnies over this, man. Like, the dick game was that good.
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B
All right, I'm going To argue the other side. Great head of hair. Oh, geez, he looks like he smells good. Sure, yeah, he's got the fucking. He's got his initials on his collar.
- [21:05]
C
But the idea.
- [21:06]
B
The kind of thing that will make, you know, a woman break up a marriage, Right.
- [21:09]
C
Kill an animal, boil a child's pet over dick. The dick was that good, that, like, he says, no, and you have to ruin your whole fucking career and kill an animal. I'm not.
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B
Dick's so good, a rabbit had to die. I'm not buying it.
- [21:28]
C
No shade to Michael Douglas. We love you, you're a great actor. But come on, this is the guy. This is the guy I'm gonna ruin it all for, like, Demi Moore. Girl, come on, please.
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B
And then what about that weird dream where Donald Sutherland was even coming at him?
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C
Yes. Now he's afraid everyone's gonna harass him
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B
like, oh, no, who's next?
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C
You're okay, Michael Douglas, you're fine.
- [21:53]
B
I didn't need to see Donald Sutherland coming right at the camera with his tongue on.
- [21:59]
C
Donald Sutherland deserved more, you know, than that role.
- [22:04]
B
Anyway, I said that they. That was. He, like, literally created. There was almost a new genre of a movie, the Michael Douglas.
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C
I used to call him America's favorite male victim because it just seemed like he was always just getting like, scammed and terrorized and stalked.
- [22:22]
B
Oh, and in the middle of that, he also did falling down.
- [22:25]
C
Oh, right. When he was like the. Another. But this time he was like, upset at the world, Right. He got laid off and so he was going to let everyone have it. I never saw.
- [22:33]
B
He was. He was basically. He was playing the. The white dude that believes the upper 1% that the reason why his life is fucked up. He doesn't look up, he looks down. So that's what he was doing. So he was doing the whole people cut me off and traffic. They made another movie like that. Like, somebody cuts you off in traffic and then the guy shoots him. And then people like, you know, in like a perfect world and, like, people listening. Everybody has a right to be upset right now. You just gotta make sure you get upset with the right people. Like, I don't think you should be putting somebody's mom in a van to take it to a jail to fuck with alligators around it. But these other guys can go to Epstein island and nothing happens. I don't fucking get any of that. I don't. Nia. This world doesn't make sense to me right now.
- [23:17]
C
I know. It's just so topsy turvy. Crazy. Thank your fellow white men. I'm gonna go work out. And you know what also annoyed me about that movie was there was a line in it where Michael Douglas says, she's on that stairmaster for an hour every day. She could kick both our asses. It's like she does cardio. And like, that somehow is like, no. Oh, my God.
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B
Dude, you gotta understand, those guys were coming out of the Coke 80s. They were pretty emaciated. Demi, a StairMaster, muscular thighs.
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C
We're just gonna take them out.
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B
I will say Demi looked pretty goddamn thick.
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C
She is hot as in that movie.
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B
Yeah, she is. She is.
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C
She's hot.
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B
So, yeah, I would not be saying. I would not be saying. No, no, no, no. I would be coming home saying, sorry about that.
- [24:03]
C
You know what?
- [24:04]
B
I get it. All right, bye. Anyway, well, there you go. The lovely Nia. The lovely Nia. All right, what am I doing here? I think that's it. We got a little bit of advertising. All right, Ship Station, everybody. You know, as the old sayings goes, if it ain't broke, don't fucking fix it. Sounds right. Until you actually do the math. What the fuck? You got me so chill and now I have to do math. I'm not good at that. For most businesses, shipping is that thing. What's it actually costing you? Because if nobody's questioning it, it's probably costing way more than it should. Ship Station makes switching easy and the savings are immediate. Most businesses are overpaying on shipping without realizing it. You're calling these people dumb. ShipStation automatically compares rates across UPS, USPS and FedEx on every order with savings of up to 90%. They also do it for you, so that saves you a lot of time. So you can start with the hot fucking latte talking points. 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- [31:26]
A
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B
All right everybody. This is kind of exciting. Billy Old school Billy Analog. I partnered with Vinyl Moon to create a special edition album of my best Monday morning podcast ad reads over the years, available alongside their amazing vinyl mixtape club. Here is the album here. I think you know they did the whole old timey style here. Some of my favorite ones. The Zip, the Sweaty balls with the John Houston piano remix. Weapons of Mass Destruction. No Tear. I remember that one. What the am I reading? Who is that one? That was Sherry's Berries. Nature's box. Oh my God. They now they had no fucking sense of humor. And all that time I made my lovely wife laughing talking about that guy falling off the scooter. It's really cool. The artwork is incredible. Check out the color of the record. Are they all like this? This is limited. They're all this color, man. They're not messing around over here anyway, so now you don't have to go on YouTube and click through a whole bunch of them and get them all in one. Put them on, take your gummy, eat your mushrooms, whatever you want to do. This beautiful custom album comes with a handful of my favorite ad reads over the years. Pressed on a custom color with the unique MMP art, Vinyl Moon partnered with me to press this limited edition run of these albums, which are available only when you sign up for Vinyl Moon subscription membership. For a new Vinyl Moon subscription membership. Did it all right. Vinyl Moon is an independent vinyl club for music lovers and adventurous spirits. What are we talking about, Swingers? What are we doing here? Vinyl Moon has been creating and sending mixtapes of new music and original artwork pressed on vinyl to members around the world every month for over 10 years. They got experience. Each of their vinyl mixtapes comes in a super deluxe packaging and they collaborate with different visual artists. Look at these things. They open up. I mean, this is the kind of stuff back in the day, you know, you take your drugs out, you take the stems out, you do all of that. Let me Get. Look at this one. Psychedelic, man. And they got all of these. They're also. If I can take one of these records out of here, they're all different kinds of colors, you know what I mean? Look at. Look at that one. Get the. Look at that. They didn't make shit like that when I was a kid. All right. Sorry I got carried away there. Anyway, they collaborate with different visual artists to create really original jackets, special features and more. As you saw. And just like my album, their mixtapes are pressed on a beautiful color vinyl. For a limited time Monday morning podcast listeners can get this limited edition record of My favorite Ad Reads for free when they join Vinyl moon with a three month or longer membership. Head to vinylmoon.com spurr for more information about club details and to get your free limited edition record from yours truly. V I n Y L M O O n Sorry Slash Burr V I N Y L M O o N CO Brrr. All right, that's it. Book a Loved by guest property with VRBO and you get a top rated vacation rental that's loved for all the right reasons like being in a great location or having great amenities.
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Oh, I love my VRBO for the view.
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Good reason. Ooh, and the sauna. Sweet. Another good reason.
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And that it's one of those good
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saunas with the hot rock thing. Ugh. Love a good hot rock thing.
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Fancy.
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That's also a reason. Don't worry about surprises. Book a verbo you'll love with the Love by guess filter if you know you verbo I lied. There's still one more. Okay, this is the last one. Policy Genius. Everybody talk about how spring is a time to take stock of the important things you need to do. You know people in spring. You know, I don't know if you do this, but sometimes I like to take stock of some of the important things that I need to do. Policygenius is an insurance an online insurance marketplace that allows you to compare quotes from some of America's top insurers side by side for free. Their licensed team helps you get what you need fast so you can get on with your life easily. Find what you need Coverage, amounts, prices, terms. No guesswork, just clarity. Policygenius helps you find your most affordable policy that meets your needs. They answer questions, handle paperwork and advocate for you throughout your business. Policygenius has thousands of five star reviews on Google and trustpilot from customers who found the best policy to fit their needs. Protect your family with the policy that grows with your life. With Policygenius you can see if you can find 20 year life insurance policy starting at just $276 a year for $1 million in coverage. Head to policygenius.com Bill Burr ALL CAPS Brian to compare life insurance quotes from top countries and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com Bill Burr and I think that's it. Other than thank you to everybody who came out to that benefit on Sunday again. And shout out to the United Artists Theater downtown la, man, if you want, if you ever get a chance to see a band down there or something. The sound in that place was fucking incredible, you know, and all of those theaters down there, they all have incredible history and all of that. I just keep saying incredible. All right, that's it everybody. Oh, Billy. Good mood. It's gonna have a good weekend. You guys have a great weekend. Greet a great weekend, ya cunts. And check out Disclosure. I highly recommend. Yeah, you should, you know, watch it with your wife, but act like you, like buy the story, you know, and just see how long you can keep it going without fucking laughing and being like, no. Like, you know, you know, that kind of goes like, you know, both ways. Like, I mean, one of my biggest fears in life is that a woman just refuses to not suck my dick and I just can't stop her somehow. But then I see myself in a mirror. Oh, what am I doing? All right, that's it. Listen to the music picked out by the great Andrew Themless and enjoy the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Sam. Foreign. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 21, 2000. And what is it? 18, 2018. What's going on? How are you? How you doing? You doing good? Oh, that's good, that's good. Another gloomy, gloomy, rainy, misty day out here in la. It's been like freezing, you know. Global warming. Yeah, that's the deal. It's just all, I don't know, it's like nine o' clock out here. Nine o'. Clock. It feels like it's fucking six in the morning over there. This is one of these days I kind of. It's like, how am I gonna get anything done? Second, it's all cloud. The sun, man. There's something in the sun. Makes you want to get up and do stuff, man. All of a sudden it's a little bit overcast and that your internal clock is like, hey, man. Well, like, maybe we should just like lay down and, like, do that tomorrow, Man. How anybody gets anything done in Seattle is fucking beyond me. Or San Francisco, for that matter, even though I lucked out with all this great weather when I was up there. But Jesus Christ, you must just get used to it, you know, if you're successful in, like, Seattle, you got to be able to be successful anywhere, right? I was speaking of that. I was watching this thing on the 90s right after my wife was watching. She's watching the Royal Wedding. I came back from San Francisco, by the way. Thank you to everybody who came out. That was an incredible week. I had such a great time up there. And I ate and drank too much. So now I'm back. Back on the food and the booze wagon. I'm on the elliptical, turning it all around on the road. Billy Booze bag at home. Fucking Father o'. Malley. Well, that's probably not a good thing to say, huh, Catholic priest? What am I trying to say here? So I come back, you know, I'm all excited to see my wife and kid, and I come home, and she's watching that royal wedding, which was literally the whole wedding. Oh, my God. I felt so bad for that. The. The guy. Whoever it is, Harry, you can't just get married. It's got to be all of that. You know, everybody all dressed up in their crazy hats, and it looked like the Kentucky Derby met meets, like, Medieval Manor. Only thing was missing was Jim Carrey's character in that cable guy movie. Down, down, down, going down when he was. They were there at that, you know, that theme restaurant there. Whatever. I'm happy for both of them. They filed love, and they're together. Jesus Christ. So she watched the whole goddamn thing, and so she's upstairs. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna go unpack downstairs. We got a TV downstairs. So I go downstairs, and in the process of me unpacking, she came downstairs because she wanted to hang out with me, and. And she turned on the. The wedding down there, and I believe I yelled into a thick bathrobe. I was just like, thank you for the married tv. What did you say? I said, it's great to be back with you and me. So I walked in there, and I just was like, I know. I'll just slowly walk out of the room. And I got all the way out of the room and closed the door to within 2 inches. And she was like, where you going? Like, gonna go upstairs. She's like, I wanted to hang out with you. It's like, all right, well, I can't watch this. She goes, it's almost over. So I went upstairs, and, you know, I don't know. I get her watching that. That would be like. But that would. That the royal wedding would be, like, me trying to get her to watch, I don't know, some hall of Fame induction ceremony after she's been away for five days, you know? Oh, I had a hilarious thing happened to me up when I was in San Francisco, right? So I'm eating like an asshole. I went to this Vietnamese restaurant. I never eat Vietnamese food. I don't know why. I'm a creature of habit. I'll eat sushi, and I'll eat, like, you know, Chinese food, and I'll eat Indian food. Oh, I'll dance all around that continent. But for some reason, like, Vietnamese food, you know, I'm like, I don't know about that. I don't know. Thai food I had a long time ago, and I got food poisoning off it. So I wouldn't. I can't eat it for, like, 10 years. And then also, I always get the same thing because the menu is just overwhelming because I don't know what anything is, and I don't want to make a mistake. So I always get the. What the fuck is it called? I don't. Nia knows what it is. And she goes, you're gonna get this thing again. And every time I get sushi, I get the exact same sushi. Spicy yellowtail hand roll or something else. And a salmon avocado, some edamame, right? You get the same thing every time. I know. I know. I do. I realize that I got these things. They work for me. I'm afraid to venture into other parts of the menu. You got me, right? So I'd never had Vietnamese food, so I was like. The whole thing was like. Like, what is it? Like, what are they gonna. It's always the same shit. Beef, chicken, and pork and just how they dress it up. So I'm like, all right. So I went in there. I got this chicken sandwich. I saw these shredded carrots on top of it. I was like, oh, my God, that's gonna be gross. And I ate it, and it was delicious. So anyways, but, you know, the chicken was kind of fried. I told you, I ate bad. Oh. Ate bet. And so now I got the salt going through my veins. And up the street, there was an ice cream place. So this is how off the rails I was on my diet. I was like, ah, I'm gonna go up to the ice cream place. So I fucking walk in there. And it's one of these new agey ice cream, artisan ice cream, whatever the fuck that means. All I know is when it says artisan, if you're an old guy like me, you're not going to recognize any of the flavor flavors. They had like, some like. I was just looking for chocolate, vanilla, strawberry. The old school. They don't have any of that. They got like potato chips in it and shit. They got one was like chocolate, chocolate, rose leaf or something. If anybody can tell me what the fuck that is. So I just looked at. I was just like, what the fuck is this? Wasn't there an ice cream store around the corner? I'll go to that one. Maybe that's an old school one. And I walked into that one. Same shit. They had six flavors. I couldn't remember any of them today if you had a gun to my head. So I say to the lady, I just go, hey, do you got mint chocolate chip? She goes, no, it's not in season. I was like, what do you mean it's not in season? And she turns around, she's like, megan, when's mint chocolate chip gonna be in season? And the lady comes up, she's like, I think July. How ridiculous. In season, it's like, you're serving ice cream. This leads to diabetes. This is poison. Your body doesn't need this. There's a lot of studies out there right now that are saying sugar is a carcinogen. You know, that's just what the. You're serving people. Whoa. But it's fresh. This is in season. Cancer, right? So you know what I did? I was like, fuck this. I just walk out. I just said, okay, thank you. And I walk out, right? And you know what I did? I just went to the same place that old people get their ice cream. I went to Walgreens. I went to a pharmacy, right? And all you got to do is find wherever the photo mat developing places, and you see about eight old people there with like, insta. Insta fucking cameras, whatever the hell those things used to be. And right to the left of it or to the right of it will be ice cream. And I went there and I walked right in. I saw Haagen Dazs mint chocolate chip. I bought a whole fucking pint. I didn't want it, you know, just wanted a small cup. So I bought the whole pint. And I was so fucking tempted to walk back to that ice cream store. I'd be like, hey, ladies. It said, c said, but I didn't. And then I went back to the hotel room, and even though I was good, after eating, like a third of it, like, I didn't have a freezer or anything, it was going to go bad. And my mother taught me not to waste. So I plowed through the whole thing, ate a pint of ice cream in, like, the middle of the day, and my body was just like, in. All right, dude, this is what we're doing. And I couldn't get out of bed for, like, the next fucking three hours. Sugar went through the fucking roof. My unnatural sugar, evidently. What season is sugar in? When is sugar in season, is what I should ask. So there you go. All right? If you're old and you need ice cream, you want some ice cream? At this point, I would suggest going to the grocery store or going to a pharmacy drugstore. They have the old school. Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, mint, chocolate chip, butter pecan, all those old ones, okay? And I don't want to be a fucking asshole old guy. So I respect the young people in their new crazy flavors, you know, where they take other desserts and they stick it in there, you know, candy bars and brownies and shit. It's just like. It's fucking redundant. Although I will smoke a cigar, drink some smoky scotch. So I don't know. I don't know what. Anyways, I guess that was my, you know, what's the deal with ice cream sort of story. Speaking of ice. Because I've become friends with Josh Adam Myers, the host of the goddamn Comedy Jam. He's a good friend of mine. He somehow has me rooting for the fucking Washington Capitals, you know, every year in the playoffs, right. Obviously, if they're playing my Bruins, I don't. Okay. But, you know, so he can, you know, feel what it's like to win a championship so I can put a little sparkle in his eye. And now he has me watching these. This team every year. And I was sitting by myself yesterday, you know, if you haven't been paying attention to the series, the Lightning lost the first two games, Capitals won the first two games. And my buddy was all excited, and I said, hey, I don't want to be the guy raining on your parade, but we beat him pretty easily in game one. And then they. They just shut us down and ran the fucking table. So I think I'd wait till I was at least up three games to none before I got excited about beating the Lightning, right? So they won the first two games. The Capitals did. Then the Lightning won game three. They won game four. And yesterday I'm Sitting down, watching game five, watching this adopted team that's gonna break your heart every year. And I was by myself and I literally said to the tv, you know, after Lightning scored yet another goal, I just, I just say fucking Capitals every goddamn fucking year. And I was just like, what am I doing? They're supporting a friend and then it's just, you know, standing in line for an ass kicking for no goddamn reason, so. And how about those Vegas Knights? Jesus Christ. Making short worth of the Winnipeg Jets. What do they got on that team? I know they got the flower from Pittsburgh between the pipes, I guess he's playing. Fucking unbelievable. They got a bunch of old wily veterans coming together. I don't know. Every time I picture that team, it's like, it's like an over 35 league game, you know, within the NHL. But good for them, man. It's going to be funny, you know, the first year they don't make the finals, how their fans are going to react to that. They're going to be so goddamn spoiled. In the history of the four major sports, has this ever happened? Has an expansion team in their first year ever, I got to look this up. Ever made it to like the equivalent of the Super Bowl, World Series, type of. Okay. Has an expansion team ever made the Finals? Okay, now they're gonna say, well, the Vegas Knights did it yesterday. All right, Vegas become the first expansion team to reach a championship. Yep, there you go. Has an expansion team ever won a championship? Well, if no one's ever made the championship game, that would be a no. All right, here's the article. Expansion teams aren't supposed to be good, especially in their first year. The fact that these clubs have to draft players. What the fuck was that? I thought that was a bull sliding off the counter. The fact that these clubs. An earthquake just in my kitchen. The fact that these clubs have to draft players who often aren't important enough to their current teams to be protected, although that's not necessarily always the case, provides expansion teams with a significant disadvantage in their inaugural seasons season. This however, the Vegas goal. This year, however, the Golden Knights have dispelled that notion on their way to a Stanley cup final appearance. Oh, this is the big thing. Every year it's the Stanley Cup Final and it's the NBA Finals. It's all how you look at it. If you look at all seven games collectively as the final or if you look at each game, this is, this is an NBA final game. This is game one of the NBA. I don't know. I think the way the hockey does it makes a little more sense. How does Vegas stack up against the other expansion teams? All right, here we go. In the NHL, the Golden Knights are just the second team since 1950 to appear in the final in its inaugural season, joining the St. Louis Blues in 1968. Oh, that's bullshit though, before I even read the next sentence because I remember, you know, what they did in the NHL, okay, they went from six teams to 12 teams. And rather than putting three with the three original in one conference and three with the three original in the others, they have the entire expansion six in their own conference. So from day one, one of them was going to make it there and then get swept by one of the original six. Right. What does it say? However, the Blues were one of six expansion teams that year and all six of them were placed in the same division. The winner which advanced to the final. There you go. In MLS, the Chicago Fire shocked the world, world, world in 1998 by winning the MLS cup and US Open cup in their first season. I would say they shocked the fucking United States soccer world. I wouldn't say they shocked the world, but the rest of the world does watch soccer, or as they call it, football. But I don't think they respect our bullshit. Right. Probably made us look worse, right? But in the, in Major League baseball, no expansion club has finished with more than 70 wins in its first season. In the NBA, this 1916 Chicago Bulls are the most expense successful expansion team. Jesus Christ. But only won 33 games. And in the NFL, the 1995 Caroline Panthers, who finished just seven and nine, topped the list. Well, there you go, There you go, man. After a disappointing career at Tampa, Brett Conley redeems himself as a capital. He's like, is that next Capital game tonight? Is that what you're telling me? Yeah, it's three games to 2, 8pm Eastern time. Oh, in the Boston Celtics. Jesus Christ. The series is so long. They played the first two games and there was like a nine day layoff which I think helped. Oh, Cleveland, I would say a bunch of my buddies were all excited, like, dude, I think the Celtics are going to win in fucking five, dude. They're going to sweep them. And I'm just like, I don't know, I was just like, they, they need to win game three because if they lose game three, then it's two to one and then all of a sudden Cleveland can tie it up. And that's the fascinating thing about a seven game series. Like if you're up three games to One, you're like, dude, we're in the driver's seat. The second you lose game five, the rest of the series, six and seven, the pressure's on you. Can they close them out? Can they fucking close them out? So I was joking with a buddy of mine who was a Cavalier fan. He said, you know, before game three, saying, you guys look great. And I said, I won't be comfortable till we get that fourth win against you guys. And once again, you saw what made LeBron so great, because he did in that game what a lot of people with half his skill won't do, which is pass the fucking ball. And he got all his fucking teammates involved. And anybody can draw that up on paper, but this guy actually goes out and does it, and, you know, so now we got the great Brad Stevens. He's got to figure out a way to come up with some sort of defense if. If that's what LeBron is gonna do. But this series is far from over either way, and I'm gonna die another thousand deaths tonight. Watching the goddamn game drives me fucking nuts, man. It drives me nuts sometimes. You ever get, like, jealous of somebody, like, as much as, like, the Cleveland sports fans, like, the Cleveland Browns fans, like, moaning, complain about never winning a Super bowl or anything like that? It's just like, you know, there's no surprise that you're not aging. Watching them suck. You're just like, yeah, they suck. Blah, blah, blah. It's over. It's hopeless. But if you have a team that makes the playoffs, they give you hope, and you. Every. Every time they get there, you believe it, and you get all excited. As much as the Celtics, people would say, have tremendously overachieved, if they lose this series, it's going to be devastating. And I always get. As I've gotten older, I always just think to myself, why do I give a shit? Why do I give a shit? Like, the stuff I have to do when the game is on, like, where I have to go mentally so I can just handle sitting there. Like, I don't get how people can just fucking sit there, watch it. I have to go into the other room. You know, I got to start paying bills and stuff while I'm watching the game, I have to have another activity, so I'm just not sitting there watching the game, losing my mind. But anyways, you know, as much as that, we got our asses whipped in game three. You know, I've. You can't get mad at greatness, and that's what I think you saw with LeBron. So who knows? Celtics, obviously, if they went tonight, we'd be up three games to one. That would be a hell of a hole for Cleveland Cavaliers to try to dig out of. We shall see what happens. And I'm going to watch my, my surrogate fucking Capitals tonight. We'll see what happens. Well, no wait. I'm going to watch the Celtics and I'll be flipping back and forth. Lightning, man, they just give you the old right there for it. What they score 17 seconds into that game. There you go, Bam. Fucking knock a goalie right out of the game before you even get your goddamn first beer. They got a bunch of snipers. All right, let me read a little bit of advertisement for, for this week anyways. But this is my, this is my last big push here as I slide into my fucking 50th birthday here where, you know, I got myself in great shape. But I think I peaked too early. Then I had that bad week in San Francisco. So now I got to have a perfect week just to, just to get even with what the fuck I did last week. And. But I think I'll be all right, you know, come in right around 170, I look alright, you know, at least when I cry, when my 40s are over and I look down at my stomach, it won't be as big and that'll be uplifting. Does that make sense? I don't fucking know. All right, zip recruiter. All right, so anyways, old freckles. Old freckles. Old freckles. Laying off the fucking booze. Doo doo doo doo. For Freckles. For Freckles. I'm actually seriously considering getting rid of my bar. Can you put like half drank the is that. Sounds like the beginning of like a movie ripping off said Eddie Murphy movie Axel Foley. What do you think was playing other than the original porn? It's actually a highlight for the Vegas Knights. Vegas will be the play the winner of the Capitol series Si. That's on Sports Illustrated if you'd like to have that as a ringtone. Let's see what this one sounds like. Oh, this is the old guy chasing the woman to the train. I saw this woman. She was beautiful. She was beautiful. I had to talk to her. Like you could do that in real life. See some woman on a platform and then start running towards her train, you know, how do you not come off as a creep? You can't even be walking briskly. I would think that alone would freak a woman out. Like, what the fuck is this guy doing? You don't ever want a stranger walking briskly towards you anyways. I mean, that's just my opinion. It's just my opinion, people. That's all this fucking podcast is. It's just my opinion over and over and over again for 60 goddamn minutes. And you just got to sit there and take it. Or you shut it off. You know, that's always an option. You could do that instead of sitting there playing the victim, you know, and writing a blog about it. I was so mentally abused by the Monday morning podcast, I couldn't reach up and hit stop. All right, so I've been downloading a bunch of, like, late 70s and early 80s. Let's. Let's talk music here. I was watching something. What's his face there? The lead singer of. He was in Black Fat Flag. Whoops. Jesus Christ. Didn't mean to say that. Black. Black Flag. The fuck is his name there. He had a band. He had a band named after him. Ah, Jesus Christ. Dude, my brain is so fucking fried. I keep thinking Ronson, like Mark Ronson. I know it's not that, but the fuck is his goddamn. All right, now I gotta look this shit up. Don't fucking laugh at me, because I know. I know I'm not the only one who does this. Black Flag lead singer. Oh, this is why I could never be on Jeopardy. Because even though when I know the answers, Even when I know the goddamn answers. Henry Rollins. Jesus Christ. So I saw this thing, Henry Rollins, right? And he was recommending these albums. Some of them I had, some of them I didn't. And so he recommended this band, Joy Division, and it's like, all right, I've heard of this band for fucking ever. I never took the time to get into him or any of that shit. If this guy's saying this is the real shit, he was saying their original album is as good as anything the Rolling Stones ever did, and blah, blah, blah, blah. So I went out, I went right to itunes and promptly downloaded their second album by accident. I got a. Tell you. I love it. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna go back. I kind of feel up, because I should have done it chronologically and seen the growth, even though they weren't around that long, because unfortunately, the lead singer committed suicide. Barely 24 years old, but Jesus Christ, there's some unbelievable bands that came out of Manchester in the late 70s and early, early 80s that was so goddamn different from everything else that was going on, considering that first album that I haven't listened to yet. If it sounds anything like the second album, which came out in 79. To listen to that music and know that, like, popular music was, like, at the time was like, I love the nightlife. I got to a boogie on the disco, right? Oh, yeah, right. I want to put on my, my, my, my boogie shoes. Ban it. Hey, lady, let's go create some herpes. That's what all those songs were. We're gonna stop fucking until you can die from this shit. Ban it. Ban it. Come on, now, Coco Cocaine's not addictive. Ban it. All right. Sorry. Anyways. But you know what's funny? I like disco music, too. I like the shit because I was too young to know that. Evidently, everybody fucking hated it. And when I hear that shit, you know, I just. Oh, you can't tell by the way I fucking walk. I'm a lady, man. Don't die to joke. I just pictured myself riding my bicycle up to the store to buy some football cards or baseball cards. All right? I didn't know any better. I didn't realize that that was the music of the man. Man, I had no idea. YMCA I thought all of that was, like. I thought that was legit. No idea. Anyways, check out Joy Division. Download their first album. Like Henry Rollins said, don't accidentally download the second one and then defend disco like I just did on my podcast. Okay, you don't have to. So I was listening to that, and then I was listening to. That led me to remember Romeo Void. Never say Never. I never knew what the woman looked like or anybody in the band. One of the coolest looking bands you're ever gonna see. And then, once again, way ahead of their time. The video for Never say Never is cool. It's like a movie. And I. I know I used to watch MTV all the time. I barely remember them ever playing this, but I would say Romeo Void and Joy Division, both of them. Me listening to them, really sitting down, listening to that for the first time in 2018, and the music still holds up. It doesn't feel like, you know, what are some of the popular. I'll fight the world and vote with you. That's not a bad song either, right? You know something? You can't. You can't objectively look at any music that was out when you were growing up. You know what I mean? Because there was like, oh, man. I remember when this song came on. That's the first time I got hung on a doorknob by my underwear by the upperclassmen. You got all these, you know, these great childhood memories. I remember that that's that time that teacher locked me in the closet because he had to go do something he didn't have time to, like, you know, watch me during detention. I remember that. I remember that day. That was a day that I want to get all this. Anyways, check him out if you get a chance. I guess that was the point of all that. The point of all that was to check. Check those people out. If you. If. If you have. If you have time. If you don't, I understand. Just keep listening to the shit you listen to. You know, I kind of noticed that when. When I went to that Giants baseball game last week, like, there was a couple of guys that came to the plate and they would just listen this. Remember that new metal and some of that horrific shit that came out in the early 2000s, you know, when they tried to combine rap and metal, you know, and everybody would be up there playing instruments, and then there'd be that one white kid running around. You're like, oh, God, is he gonna start rapping? Please, God, don't. Don't let him start rapping. That is the one amazing thing about that style of music. That was the one style of music that white people, as much as they tried, just could not steal it, you know, I'm not saying that they, you know, Eminem and some guys like that haven't been tremendous, but, you know, that is one. It was just. I don't know what it was. You just. White people did their best that. Then there was that whole gen. And the music was so good that that white kids got into it and then they did, hey, man, we ought to put that in our ban. But yo, just didn't work. It just didn't work. There was a lot of stuff from that time that just didn't work. I remember slam poetry. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. That. That was just like. I just remember the person who would ever be doing it would always have their eyebrows up and be like pointing at you. Like, what they were saying was just unbelievable. Like, just unbelievable. And it was like blowing your mind. And I would just be sitting there going like that. You know, that's kind of a very mainstream point of view that has been said about people in power for a long time, I guess. I've never heard it rhymed before. So that makes it new. I don't know. But I could look at it objectively because that was yet another time. Stand up comedians were going like, oh, my God, this is gonna take over. Stand up comedy. We're all gonna be fucking homeless right I told you guys about that time when in Massachusetts. Anyways, do you remember karaoke? They still have karaoke, right? Which I know a lot of bands were nervous that that was gonna end. People going to see live music, you know, because some plumber was gonna be standing on stage going, just a small town girl living in a lonely world. Like, people at that point would be like, you know, I don't think I need to see this generation's Freddie Mercury because I can watch the guy who just plumbed my fucking toilet sing Journey. Think I'm all set on professional musicians at this point. Thank you, karaoke. But you know, you know how it is. You live in fear. It's what it is. People live in fear. So anyways, the. There was something that came out, was called Carrie Jokey. And basically people in the restaurant or whatever would go on stage and there'd be a teleprompter and they would just read a joke. Like, you know, two guys walk into a bar and the bartender says, daba dabba di. But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hey, I didn't know that. I would have fucking yelled an hour ago. And they couldn't teach timing, right? But we were all convinced, like, dude, Kara Jokey, it's gonna do to stand up comedy what karaoke did to live music, which was absolutely nothing unless you were in an incredibly shitty band. So one time we were. I know I've told this story before. This is for the new listeners, all right? So one time I was doing this gig somewhere in New Hampshire. Was upstairs at a bar. It's a two story bar, okay? People take drinking seriously in New England. Two story fucking bar, you know? And there was plenty of room to add on to the bar. It wasn't like, you know, it was just densely populated area. I don't know, this guy was just building up for whatever reason. So we're on the second story of this fucking building and across the street is this little carnival. And all I remember was, you know, that, you know that Viking ship ride. You get on it just basically it's like a giant swing going back and forth, but you're on that giant boat. So that is basically right outside the windows on the second floor of this bar. And there was screen windows too, because it was the summer. And I guess this place must not have had air conditioning. And all I remember was standing on stage bombing. And all I could hear was the people screaming on the ride. So my set, it turned into like my own little horror film. And what was funny was the boat was not like parallel to the bar. It was, like pointed at it. And it looked like it was going to come right through the fucking window and then it would go up. I remember the guy I was looking at was saying, you know, it's very phallic looking, right? And I was dying laughing because when the underneath the boat was coming up and going back, it looked like, you know, that ridiculous shot in porno where just in case you think he's really not putting it in there. They make good goddamn. Well, you know, that that's what's happening. I always wonder if, like, the porn star can feel the heat of the lens, unlike their ball bags and fucking hoo ha's, you know, maybe that's why they shaved their pubes, because they got sick of them lighting on fire during takes. I don't know. I've never really seen it behind this. Actually, I did see it behind the scenes of a porno recently, of a former porn star, of this guy getting into the world and then wanting to get out of it and staying in it for 20 years. And I watched the whole thing right up until when he decided to get out of it. And then the next one was him at Bible study. And then I shut it off. You know, I was just like, all right, I don't want to watch this part, you know, reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and I should probably, you know, look at Bible studying or something. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's just something always wigs me out about that, you know? I mean, because even you can sit there like, hey, man, like, that stuff doesn't exist, man. You also thinking, hey, well, what does this get? What does exist? These are the ramblings of a guy turning 50, going like, do I need to hedge my bets and start going back to church? But wouldn't a higher power know, like, this guy's not totally buying into this shit. What is he doing right now? Is he practicing some sort of sticking pattern on the church pews for when he plays drums later on today? That's not very respectable. All right, let's. Let's do some reads here for this week. Grass Fed verse. Grass finished. Dear Billy Beef Breath releasing on your podcast. You did an ad for your new sponsor, Butcherbox, by the way, I. I tried that. That pork that they said swine that they sent me, and it was, you know, I didn't realize, like, the original pigs that came over here before, I guess they were all mixed with these other pigs. It's very like white supremacy. The way they have like the pigs and dogs, like purebred and all that. Well, these purebred pigs, like you gotta, you gotta prove to their DNA that these are actually, you know, I don't know what pigs from Liverpool, I have no idea. All I can tell is that, you know, I bought into the hype, so I don't know if that affected my taste buds, but it was one of the best pork chops I've ever had in my life. So hats off to Butcherbox. Anyways, he said you didn't know what the term grass finished beef means? It means they are giving you the real thing. A lot of restaurants these days tell you they serve grass fed beef and they usually charge more for it. The term used to mean exactly what it sounds like, but it's all gotten watered down now. Down. And now it's often just a marketing gimmick. Pretty much all cattle are grass fed. They are fed grass, pellets, hay, or if they are lucky, they get to spend their lives happily grazing in a pasture. But then almost all of them get fed grain or other garbage to fatten them up at the feedlot before slaughter. Grass finished, however, means they eat grass right up until the very end. I learned this little bit of trivia when I was working as a travel writer in Hawaii. I wanted to pass it along because I figure I owe you. That's pretty cool. I started listening to your podcast and Joe Rogan's podcast because I frequently had long drives by myself to get to remote areas of the various islands. And persons can only listen to so much. And a person can only listen to so much Hawaiian music. That's hilarious. Thanks for keeping me company. Long drives. No problem. In case you've never been to Hawaii before and are questioning my comments about long drives, the Big island is about the size of the state of Connecticut. I didn't know that. And since there are no direct routes, it takes more than two hours to get from the Kona side of the Big island to the Hilo side where the volcano is currently erupting. You know the bright side of that volcano erupting is isn't it creating more land, you know, well, you know, thinning out the population evidently. Here's a link about the term grass fed so you can verify for yourself. But it's a long article, so probably not something you want to read on the podcast. Dude, if it's a short article, it's not something I want to read on the podcast. God knows I'll fuck that up. How Scary. Is it? To not only live next to a fucking volcano, but to be like on a goddamn island. I mean, I don't. You know, the only thing that I've seen that has been not. Not like a little more relaxing is how slow lava. The lava's been moving, you know, after it sort of erupts. So you just don't be near it. Well, you know, spitting up like a toddler. Right, Let me see. Let me read up on this. Hawaii volcano. What is the latest white volcano? Warning of toxic gas plumes. Lava spews lays of toxic gas and glass into the air. Spewing glass. Did people throw their fucking soda pop bottles down there? Or is that some chemically way that all of those minerals with that level of heat turns into glass? Lava. Acid rain. Vog, Sulfur dioxide. And now lays. New deadly threat emerges. Good fucking Lord. Can you imagine if you're there right now in your honeymoon? You can't tell me that's not an omen. Did I marry the right person? God, give me a sign. Now, that could mean, you know, that could actually mean a good thing, right? But the eruption, you know, it's going to fuck your brains out. I don't. I don't pretend to know, okay? First it was lava, then acid rain. What the fuck is vog? Am I so far behind the stories? People know what vog is? Vog? Vog is a form of air pollution that results when sulfur dioxide and other gases and particles emitted by an erupting volcano react with oxygen and moisture in the presence of sunlight. The word is a poor manto. Poor manto. Portmanteau of the word volcanic, smog and fog. You mean the smoke that comes out of a volcano. They call that vog. The term is common in the Hawaiian Islands. All right? Fog is created when volcanic gases react with sunlight, oxygen and moisture. The result includes sulfur, sulfuric acid and other. Jesus fucking Christ. Those poor people, man, living in that goddamn paradise, just sitting there, you know? So, like, school gets canceled out there. There will be no school today due to the vogue. We got to go an extra two weeks in June because we missed those two weeks, you know, three months earlier when the volcano was erupting. Fucking Hawaiian people are tough, huh? Oh, there we get a little snowstorm. It's gonna be slippery. You could slip and fall and break your tailbone. Then on the other side, they'd sit and they go, oh, really now? We could burn to death, be vaporized, right? We go outside and breathe in poison. So what. What the. What is everybody doing? Out. Like, how poisonous is it? Jesus Christ, can you imagine that? Like you still decide to go ahead with your vacation and as you're coming in for a landing, you're seeing all that vog. Honey, honey, it's okay. Stop crying, stop crying. We're on the other side of the island, okay? It's just. Honey, it's just lava, okay? It's just lava and a little bit of poison gas and it's currently still happening. Other than that, I mean, it's going to be fine. You're going to be sitting on the beach with a lay around your neck and a gas mask on your face, taking a big gulp of oxygen before you lift the mask and take a sip off your straw, drinking out of a coconut, just like we planned. Come on, this is our time. Come on, we're gonna start a family. The whole thing is ruined. First I couldn't find my shoes and now a volcano is erupting. I just want to go home. All right? Hey, stay strong. Hawaii. I don't know what else you do. I always say, well, you know, if you're near the ocean, the lava comes. You just fucking just stand in the ocean. Then the sharks come and get you, right? I mean, there's just no way to fucking do it. I don't. We literally stare to the ocean. I mean like, ah. I mean like fucking, you know, stand along the beach, frolic in the waves as you watch your retirement fund in your house burn up in flames. Did anybody else see that footage of that lava just kind of going across the street right towards that white car? Did it bug you that nobody said you can't get the fucking car out of there? Jesus Christ. I'll tell you right now, if you ever steal a car and you want to get rid of it, that's it. Steal a car while a volcano is erupting. Have your little joyride, right? The cops chase you, you just drive it into some lava and then you fucking jump out. Stole what, man? I don't see any car. And then, you know what would happen was they would have the dashboard cam and then they'd get you for fucking, I don't know, destroying evidence or I don't know, what the fuck, who knows? I don't pretend to understand things. All right? Improve your franch. Dear Billy. Bilingual. I'm a 24 year old American man who completed a year abroad in Paris. I knew no French before going and now I'm now fluent. Yeah, well, that's the way to do it. You're over there, I know You've been using Rosetta Stone and that's really helpful. But here's a tip on how you can become conversationally fluid, fluent. Oh, great. The best thing to do is listen to audiobook and read this text simultaneously in French. I know you hate reading, but if you get a good narrator, it can be entertaining and will make you literate. Oh yeah, I've been reading. I've been reading French books, like kids books to my daughter. I read Harry Potter and l' Cole des Saucers, whatever. And I was able to chat up French women afterwards. Hope this helps. And go fuck yourself. Well, wait a minute. If someone's just speaking French and nobody's translating it for me, I'm just listening to French. How does it work? Audiobook and read the text simultaneously. Let me see something. French audiobook with a vec text. Let's see what I got here. French parallel audio. Oh, look at that. You know what? I'm going to do it. I'll give it a shot. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Oh, Jesus. Look at this one. Oh, Jesus. Police caught me with the prostitute. What's up, Bill? A big fan of yours. I enjoy your all. I enjoy your all, your stand ups. Okay, I'm gonna say this is a first draft. Your Netflix originals, especially efforts for family. Thank you. And your interviews on YouTube, mostly the ones on Conan. I'm 28 years old, single, no kids, live alone, kind of a loner. I smoke weed, I work midnight at a gas station. All right, let's do this again. 28 years old, single, no kids. I live alone, kind of a loner. I smoke weed. I work midnight at a gas station. I never go out. I don't drink. I don't do any kind of clubs or hardcore drugs. I just get horny. I usually have girls, but not this time. I fucked it up with every girl I was talking to. Somehow I managed to be rude by asking them if they enjoyed giving head. Oh boy. I gotta say man, I got caught up in some bullshit. Tomorrow I have a trial and I'm a little nervous. I have to get a court appointed attorney. I don't trust anyone. Though the lawyer I was supposed to have wouldn't stop, stop asking me for money when I told her I have it in three days. I don't lie. I'm honest as fuck. All right? I always get nervous when people say I don't lie. Everybody anybody knows me knows I tell the truth. I didn't do that. All right, so basically what happened? I got pulled over by the Cops telling me straight up, they saw me talking with a known prostitute. For sure it was a sting operation. Even though she showed me her tits, she was cute. Too cute. If you ask me, a little too cute. So she got in my car and asked me what I wanted. I told her, but she wanted more money, so I said, no, thanks. She got out and I decided to go home. I pull out into the street and literally, not even 30 seconds later, I see lights come on behind me. Luckily, I didn't go to jail. They gave me a ticket and impounded my car, though. All right, so what's the problem? I've been bullshitting my mom. I told her the car's in the shop. I thought you said you don't lie and that you're honest as fuck. Anyways, I had to spend two grand to get it back, but it was in my mom's name, so I had to come up with another lie. I thought you said you didn't lie, you're honest as fuck. And I was trying to sell the car, even though that makes no fucking sense. What? So I needed paperwork stating she was my mother, giving me permission to retrieve my car from the county clerk's office and have it notarized by the bank. I know, Bill. I don't lie. If I told my mom, she'd probably die. All right, so he kind of covered his tracks in. No joke. I'm the youngest of five. All fuckups, all boys. I'm supposed to be the good one, and I am. I was just being stupid. I think the only thing that's worrying me is the fine. Probably like five to ten grand. Oh, well, thanks for the time to read this, by the way. I live. I'm gonna say we live. I have tickets to your show. Can't wait. Anyways, thanks, and go fuck yourself. All right, well, she's probably gonna find out. I would just tell her. I just tell her to say, listen, I fucked up. You know, I fucked up. She's your mother. She'll forgive you, right? I don't know. I think I would be more worried about the 5 to $10,000 fine than your mom not loving you anymore. All right, you fucked up. You made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. I make mistakes. You. You made a mistake. You know, it's what the fucking life is. You make mistakes, you learn from your mistakes. You move on. You try to do better. All right, that's it. I've said it for a long time. If people were cars, we'd be recalled. There's a reason the world is so fucked up. It's because humans are running it, okay? We're just smart enough to be fucking morons. All right? Good luck to you. My friend's dad wants to pay me to get naked. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. Or the last one. Girlfriend and best friends graduating. Same time, different places. Thank you. A nice sitcom trope I can finish with here. I got two dates in one night. All right, let's get through this one. My friend's dad wants to pay me to get naked. Oh, Jesus. Hey, Mr. William Frederick Burr. Hope you're doing good. Big fan of the podcast and all your other shit. Keep doing what you're doing. I'm a 24 year old guy from the UK. Okay, the UK. Until recently, I've been working behind the bar in the local pub where my friend's dad would drink regularly. I met him a handful of times over the past 10 years or so as his son. As his son is one of my best friends. He's about 70 years old and a very devout Catholic. That's not a good characteristic. Who has also worked at the church in some other capacity or another. I shouldn't blame the whole religion, okay, because maybe he's a good guy. All right? I've always got a weird vibe from him. Oh, boy. And he started to seem even weirder. Oh, Jesus. After seeing him multiple times in a week, he was giving me big tips, which is rare in the uk, and he would cup my hand with both hands for ten seconds or so. When he gave them money to me, he'd stare into my eyes saying all this weird complimentary stuff about me, like, you're a very good bar man and you'll go far. Sorry, with the bad accent. So I started to feel something was off about this guy. Oh, God. This is like when Quint slid into the mouth of the shark one day after a month's a few months of generous tips from him and general weird encounters. He had about five large glasses of red wine, got pretty drunk. As I was walking around the pub collecting glasses, he called me over to him and pulled me to one side in a dark, dimly lit corner. He hushed his voice and got really close to me with his putrid breath wafting into my nose and said something along the lines of, right, I have a proposition for you. First off, I just want to make it clear that I'm not gay. Oh, Jesus. I'm not gay at all. Right, well, I want to do what I do have. What I do have is an appreciation for the male form. I can't Keep doing this accent. What I do have is an appreciation for the male form. I used to have a boy who I would pay 150 pounds, which is 200 Euros. That's 203American, really, to allow me to look at his naked body a few times per week. I wouldn't touch him or force him to do anything. He would simply get undressed and I would appreciate his body and pay him for his time. Does this sound like something you would be interested in? Oh, my God. I immediately said no. It was pretty shocked, but I didn't make a scene. I just laughed it off and said, sorry, I'm not interested. The next day he came into the pub and practically begged me not to tell his son and started to give me even bigger tips in the following weeks. I tried to refuse, but he insisted it was basically hush money. It was like I was wrapped up in some sort of big scandal and being paid for my silence. There was one time where he ran into the pub looking really flustered during a storm. What little hair he has left was all over the place and was stuck to his. To his red, wet, veiny face. Jesus Christ. His clothes were drenched, he was really out of breath and he ran up to me and said, you haven't told him, have you? That's fucking nuts. Because the person was probably acting weird or slightly different. I haven't told him no, I said. He was clearly really worried about what he'd said. So I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him as he's clearly gay and most likely suppressed it his entire life due to him being a devout Catholic. That's what I was thinking. I feel bad for that. I feel, you know, obviously that you had to fucking have that fucking interaction, but, I mean, yeah, that's what this is. This is why you should just let people be who the fuck they are. My gut instinct is to just never mention it to anyone, but a second opinion would be great. Yeah, dude, I wouldn't say anything. 70 fucking years old. All right? You know, to his credit, he asked you said no, and then that was it. And now he's just saying, please don't tell anybody. Anyway, so essentially, I know that one of my best friend's dad is trying to cheat on his mom with young men. So part of me feels like his wife has the right to know, but on the other hand, I don't want to ruin their family. So my question to you is, should I bring it up with my friend? What should I do? Thanks and go fuck yourself. But Instead, just have a nice thanks and don't go fuck yourself. Instead, just have a nice day for me, will you? All right. Saying love to yourself, me and the little baby. Thank you. Looking forward to the new Ephesus family. Thank you. Not. The guy's fucking seven years old. I mean, what are you gonna do at that point, you know? I don't know. As a guy bisexual, I have no fucking idea. All I know is he asked, you said no, and he's left you alone other than panicking that you're gonna fucking tell somebody. So. I feel like that's his. If he wants to tell people, that's his. That's his thing. You know what I mean? I don't know. Fall you. I mean, I would think that his wife on some level might even know who the. Now, relationships are very complex. To just jump in there and think that you're going to be playing the hero when you don't have any of the information. I would just. Just walk away from it. Just walk away. That's what I would do personally, you know? Jesus Christ, what a story. I feel like I was watching a movie. All right. Girlfriend and best friend graduating. Same time, different places. Dear Billy Bombshell. My best friend and new girlfriend are graduating college on the same day, and I don't know whose ceremony to attend. I just finished my junior year of college and recently started dating a girl one year older who was graduating in less than a week. However, my best friend since I was five, also graduating college on the same day at the same time, but at a different school. Needless to say, I cannot be at both places at once. I'm not really sure whose ceremony I should attend. I don't want to piss off my new girlfriend, especially because she's way too hot for me. Well, if she's way too hot for you, that's. That's a good thing to try to, like, keep yourself level is. Don't fucking jump every time she asks you to. I don't. I would go to my buddy's graduation to say, unfortunately, you know, they just came at the same time. You know what's funny is a woman would be like, and you're gonna choose him over me? Like. And I would never do that if I was dating a girl for a year. And she's like, listen, your graduation is the same day as my best friend since I was 5, before she even got through. I. Listen, I get it. No fucking problem. Hey, here's a little secret. I don't want to go to the graduation ceremony myself. I just got to get the piece of goddamn paper. That's the only reason why I'm showing up. Don't worry. I'll take a video. All right. Gives a fuck. It's just. It's a ceremony. He says anyway. Really unsure I can justify picking a new girlfriend over my best friend, but at the same time, he doesn't give me sex. So there's that aspect. Let me know what I think you should do. I don't think you should operate from a place of fear. I think you should go with loyalty and you should go to your friends thing. That's what I would do. You know, if she can't understand it, what are you going to do? Plenty of fish in the sea. All right. False rape allegations, ruining my friend's life. Jesus fucking Christ. I hate reading these things because I don't have any of the information. Now you're going to tell me it's a false rape thing. So now I don't know if I'm actually. I'm going to be supporting a victim or if I'm going to be fucking supporting somebody who really did something. Here's the situation. I'm currently. My senior year at college, my graduate. I did. I'm not reading this thing. I'm not reading this thing. All right, look at this. Psycho bitch got mad and blah, blah. Now this is all like. This is what's wrong with the Internet right now is because now I'm going to listen to one side of the fucking story. The woman who you call a psycho bitch is not going to get a chance to tell her side of the story. And I'm going to make a snap judgment and say, yeah, you know, this is a psycho bitch. I just, you know, I like. These are like the questions used to be a lot lighter. People. This is some heavy fucking shit. My dad's. My best friend's dad is 70 and I found out he's gay. Should I tell them or should I keep the secret? Secret? What? At what point did I become qualified to answer this? I don't know. Anyways, that's the podcast. Go Celtics, go Capitals and go yourself. I'll talk to you on Thursday. I'll check in on you. Sa.
- [106:15]
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