Dave Elitch | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-9-25

Summary

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Monday Morning Podcast – Episode Summary:

Episode: Dave Elitch | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-9-25
Date: October 9, 2025
Host: Bill Burr (All Things Comedy)
Guest: Dave Elitch (drummer & drum educator)
Main Topics: Drumming technique, longevity as a musician, health and body mechanics, sports, relationships, addiction, and sports gambling
Tone: Candid, humorous, riff-heavy, and full of strong opinions and friendly ball-busting

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Episode Overview

This episode features Bill Burr hosting drummer and educator Dave Elitch. They dig into drum technique, physical health for musicians, growing out of imitation as a musician, and the realities of learning from the internet versus real instruction. The conversation meanders through cigars, addiction, body health, favorite gear, the Illuminati, sports, and betting, with distinctive comedic tangents involving podcast regulars Paul Versey, Mike, and Jake the Snake. Second half covers sports recaps, relationship advice, and classic Burr-style rants.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Drumming, Health & Technique

[00:20–14:37]

• Dave Elitch's Instructional Videos:
  • “Getting Out of Your Own Way,” “Staying Out of Your Own Way,” and most recently “Your Mind’s Ear.”
  • Burr describes them as authentic and useful for drummers at any level, praising Elitch for teaching efficiency without erasing individuality:

    "You don't change what the person plays. You just make what the person plays easier and more efficient." — Bill Burr [02:03]

  • Videos ensure consistent information versus YouTube’s “convoluted garbage.” [03:55]
• Physical Longevity as a Player:
  • Discussion of health issues from bad drumming/gym technique (sciatica, rotator cuff) and lack of stretching.
  • Emphasis on gains in Burr’s endurance and decreased injury thanks to Elitch’s methods.
  • Elitch’s approach: integrate healthy use of the body and self-care for a sustainable career.

    "You're teaching them how to have a long career..." — Bill Burr [06:36]

• Tuning & Drum Gear:
  • Elitch breaks down his course, which starts with identifying what sounds you love, then covers tuning (by feel, not just pattern), and finally gear anatomy.

    "There's a bunch of amazing drummers who don't know anything about gear... but it really helps when you know a little bit." — Dave Elitch [14:04]

  • Burr shares analogies from home repair to car maintenance, emphasizing practical knowledge.

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2. Music, Growth & Finding Your Voice as a Player

[22:00–26:52]

• Anecdotes about trying to emulate John Bonham, owning his drum setup, and ultimately realizing the importance of developing your own musical voice:

  "If Bonham was still alive... he would be like, 'All right, mate', and slowly back down like, this dude is a psycho." — Bill Burr [23:13]

• Elitch encourages breaking away from hero worship to find your own sound.
• Kit and cymbal choices are personal; musicians should move beyond solely copying their idols.

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3. Addiction, Vices & Living Healthier

[07:30–09:56; 26:52–44:48]

• Burr and Elitch riff on cigars, day-drinking, and the “addiction spectrum.”
  • Burr celebrates his liver’s recovery, jokingly compares alone cigars to drinking alone:

    “Once you cross into the alone cigar, which is amazing…” — Bill Burr [08:22]

• Both men reflect humorously on the struggle with sugar and food discipline.

  “Fat shaming really gets a bad rap... it gets results.” — Bill Burr [42:17]

• Choosing raw cashews or frozen blueberries over sweets proves how tough, and dull, recovery choices can sound.

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4. Bodywork, Mobility & Drummers’ Health

[37:02–41:18]

• Both discuss importance of stretching, mobility, and ergonomic posture for drummers — and office workers.

  “You can apply all the same... So many people are collapsed into themselves. They have sciatica... understanding how to expand your body up and out...” — Dave Elitch [38:13]

• Stories about stretching routines, hip flexors, and mimicking their late masseuse Diana’s advice about expansion versus collapse.

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5. Espresso & Gear Chat

[33:16–36:00]

• The guys geek out over high-end espresso machines and grinders.
• Burr reveals his coffee snobbery:

  “I'm such a snob now that when I use other people's espresso machines and when they go to like, you know, stain the milk... like, what the f*** is this?” — Bill Burr [34:43]

• Elitch compares upgrading coffee equipment to working your way up in drums.

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6. Classic Burr Rants, Illuminati & Sports Talk

[31:54–33:05; sporadically throughout]

• Brief Illuminati jokes; story about high-end booze and caviar as metaphors for over-the-top gluttony.
• Burr and regulars shift into sports talk:
  • Gators/LSU football recap, stadium anecdotes, and musings on sports fans’ behavior [55:06+].
  • Relationship debates — “Do you believe in destiny?” — and Burr’s skepticism [72:36+].
• Extended riffing on aging, physical decline, nostalgia for old venues and teams.
• Notable:

  “This podcast is stupid s*** that doesn’t matter. And then listen to me…” — Bill Burr [57:21]

• Illuminati:

  “You know, like these Illuminati guys just have like chalices of this.” — Bill Burr [32:13]

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7. Relationship & Life Advice (Advice Mailbag)

[86:03–116:03]

• Burr reads and riffs on listener questions about:
  • A young man's mom's boyfriend almost moving in – Burr imparts the importance of not cutting out family, learning forgiveness, and using life’s trauma as motivation.
  • Living with a sister post-family tragedy, while a girlfriend pushes for cohabitation; Burr weighs both sides with trademark empathy and raunchy humor.

    "She's not wrong for being mad at me. And I'm also not wrong for taking care of my sister..." — Bill Burr [95:44]

  • Marriage dilemmas, careers across continents, communication, and how to process major life decisions.
• Classic banter with Nia about relationships, the Coast Guard, and “cops of the water.”

  "Aren't they like the cops of the water? …Can they arrest you, the Coast Guard?" — Nia [143:11]

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8. Sports Betting Segment (“Anything Better” Podcast Crossover)

[118:22–163:28]

• Paul Versey, Jake the Snake, Bill Burr, and guests make their NFL picks (week 6).
• Joking analysis of winning/losing streaks.
• Conspiratorial takes on game balls, officials, and changing dynamics in football (longer kicks, betting lines).
• Banter about diehard sports fans and the psychology of fandom, featuring a Nick Turturro Yankees anecdote.

  “He delivers a pizza to you, and I literally said... I am actually concerned about your health.” — Bill Burr [157:41]

• Old-school sports nostalgia: talk of jerseys, stadiums, and guttural sports heartbreak.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On individualized drum technique:

  "What I've always told people is... you don't change what the person plays. You just make what the person plays easier and more efficient." — Bill Burr [02:03]

• On the dangers of self-taught macho attitude:

  "There was a thing when I was coming up—I'm like 'Self-taught, man... I play from here.'” — Bill Burr [02:00]

• On body mechanics for longevity:

  "You're teaching somebody how to have a long career..." — Bill Burr [06:36]

• On YouTube music education:

  "There's no rules of libel or slander...anybody can essentially do a TED Talk." — Bill Burr [03:58]

• On the addiction spectrum:

  "I am on the addiction spectrum." — Bill Burr [27:02]

• On health choices:

  “Fat shaming... gets results.” — Bill Burr [42:17]

• Cigar & booze excess:

  “Some guy... I order that [caviar] shit lining. It comes to me in a bucket. I eat it with a giant spoon watching TV.” — Bill Burr [32:13]

• On copying your heroes:

  “You would never do that type of thing with comedy, right?... So, after we had that thing, I was like, let’s do that with drumming.” — Dave Elitch [25:25]

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Top Timestamps (Sample)

• Drum technique and online learning: [01:03–04:16]
• Physical health in drumming/longevity: [05:52–07:08]
• Drum tuning & gear: [11:03–14:41]
• Personalizing your drum kit, not copying heroes: [23:01–26:02]
• Addiction, vices, body health: [07:30–09:56]
• Coffee snobbery: [33:16–36:00]
• Bodywork/mobility for non-musicians: [38:13–41:18]
• Advice mailbag & relationship problems: [86:03–116:03]
• Sports betting & fan talk: [118:22–163:28]

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Final Thoughts

This episode perfectly encapsulates the Monday Morning Podcast’s multifaceted charm: expert insights (via Dave Elitch’s drumming wisdom), poignant but deeply funny looks at health, aging, and self-improvement, relationship rants, and sports fanaticism. Burr’s honesty, willingness to skewer himself, and blend of practical and emotional advice make for a ride that’s both hilarious and unexpectedly heartening.
If you’re a drummer, a sports nut, or just like listening to unfiltered, self-aware comedy, this is a packed episode—not to mention a showcase of how drumming technique can spark conversations about, well, everything.

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Your mind's ear available at DaveElitch.com.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

[Paul Versey]

And I'm just checking in on you. Oh, all right.

[Bill Burr]

So it's videotaped here. Whatever they kids say nowadays, the digital. What, it's being filmed, it's not film.

[Mike]

Whatever the fuck it is.

[Bill Burr]

Just to let you know, whenever you see this, it means I have a special guest. And this is no different. This man is one of my favorite people out here in la. One of my great friends and my drum instructor, the one and only Mr. Dave Elitch.

[Dave Elitch]

Thanks for having me, buddy.

[Mike]

What's going on?

[Bill Burr]

Thanks for showing up. Yeah, you know, sometimes you have a guest and they maybe they don't.

[Mike]

They don't show up.

[Dave Elitch]

I'm here.

[Bill Burr]

You have, you already have done a couple of these instructional videos.

[Dave Elitch]

Yep.

[Bill Burr]

The first one was Getting out of your Own Way. The second one was the get out of youf way part 2.

[Dave Elitch]

Staying out of your Own Way.

[Paul Versey]

Staying out of your Own Way with John Travolta. No, sorry.

[Bill Burr]

I love that you're old enough to get that joke. And now your new one, which I downloaded this morning. Yeah. And you gave me. He gave me a free download and I couldn't figure it out, so I said it, I'm gonna pay for it so I can. Because I'm. I'm gonna get it anyway, so.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, I appreciate that.

[Bill Burr]

And this one's your mind's ear.

[Dave Elitch]

You got it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. And this one, this one is all about like the technique of. Of playing drums. Totally broken down with his expertise and all that. And what I've always told people is.

[Mike]

They'Ll ask me like, you know, what.

[Bill Burr]

Happens is, is, you know, along the times when I've been sitting in with these, these bands is my playing has improved to the point that people are asking me what I'm doing. And I always tell them, you know, about you. And then they always get like nervous, like, especially like self taught guys. There is. I don't know if there is that now because so many people just take instruction from the Internet, but like this, there's. There was. There was a thing when I was coming up where I'm like, self taught, man. I play from here.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Like, I don't want to learn technique.

[Bill Burr]

And come from here.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And I always tell them what's great about what you do is you don't change what the person plays. You just make what the person plays easier and more efficient. So just to give you guys an idea with my dad drumming that I'm doing in my garage.

[Dave Elitch]

You're gigging a ton, though. I mean, you just did the Pretenders thing and you're. You're constantly sitting in with people, which is gigging.

[Bill Burr]

You are gigging. You are. I. I've been. I've been sitting in.

[Dave Elitch]

That Pretenders thing was like a legit gig.

[Bill Burr]

Play tambourine with the bangles. You know, I've done some. No, I never did. I would, though. Putting that out there.

[Dave Elitch]

See, it's going to happen.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, is it Gina?

[Mike]

Shock.

[Dave Elitch]

She's the man.

[Bill Burr]

Yield is one of the great drum grooves of the 80s.

[Dave Elitch]

Yep.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, so you've been teaching me like, I was like, there's a few songs out there that I am obsessed with the. The 16th notes. And it's a single.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah. One handed.

[Bill Burr]

One handed thing. And so you were giving me like information on. On that. And just that alone. How much I've been able to increase the BPMs without getting any tightness in here whatsoever is amazing.

[Mike]

I always felt like, wow, all of.

[Bill Burr]

These friends that I have, you know, I wish that they could come out and take a lesson with you, which I know you do, but, like, you can now. Like, all this, like, I was literally so much of this shit that I. That I was watching that I got to watch this morning. I was like flashing back to being with you going, this is like literally what you would, you know, holding the stick and it lines up like that and there's like a straight line like this and the gap here. And you're using this muscle.

[Dave Elitch]

Well, the reason why I made it is because I would go through it with people and they'd be like, okay, this is great, I got it. And then they'd walk out and be like, what just happened? And then they get home and want to practice it, and then they go on YouTube or Instagram and who knows what they're watching on there.

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Dave Elitch]

And then they'd come back in, we'd have to do it all over again.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know if you know about the Internet. There's no rules of libel or slander. And anybody can essentially do a TED Talk.

[Dave Elitch]

That's the problem. Right. So that was why I made it. So people can go home and pull up a video of me doing it. And it's the same thing and they can work on it and not get convoluted by garbage on the Internet, you know?

[Paul Versey]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And what I always. I think I told this story, I'll tell it again, was the first time I saw you when you were in the Mars Volta, and I was laughing when I was watching you play and going, this guy looks like his arms are gonna fall off. And then when I talked to you, he said, oh, you know, that's just like this performative thing. Like, I'm not really hitting that hard. Yeah, it's just I'm doing, like, a visual thing. But, like, the thing about it is, if I was a kid and I was to watch you do that, I would probably get hurt.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Thinking that. That you would just fucking.

[Dave Elitch]

I mean, there are moments where I'm beating the living shit out of things, for sure. But there are also moments where I'm doing movements where it looks like it and I'm not actually hitting that hard. Because if you hit that hard, not only does it actually make the drums choke sometimes and sound smaller, but also you just can't do that. I mean, Volta, we would play for two and a half hours. It's a long time.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Dave Elitch]

You know, so you just can't do that for that long without just killing yourself. So sometimes I am hitting really hard, but sometimes I'm just putting on a. Visually, you know, and you have to kind of pick and choose your moments.

[Bill Burr]

That's something that I finally. I don't know. Light was one of the things when I would be playing or whatever, and then every once in a while, I would videotape myself, and I was just like. Like, I have. I look like that potted plant over there sitting behind, like, a drum kit, like, totally expressionless, like, looking down, and it's just like, okay, you're expressing your childhood trauma, and this is why you needed a hobby, because you don't want to revisit childhood pain. Well, that's not going to be fun for the person watching you playing drums.

[Dave Elitch]

Well, when we first started working together, I was like. I was like. I was like, look, you're. You're. You're doing stuff that's not uncommon globally, but, like, you're collapsed into yourself. Right. You're sitting really low.

[Paul Versey]

Collapse in yourself.

[Bill Burr]

I was lean. I was lean to the side this way. I had sciatic nerve.

[Dave Elitch]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

I had rotator cuff.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

All of that from. That was. A lot of that was from just, like, not stretching and then poor technique at the gym.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Versey]

It's all.

[Dave Elitch]

Well, that's Diana. You know, that's all the Diana stuff.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Masseuse who passed away, which is why.

[Dave Elitch]

We did the staying out of your own way thing together, because it's like you use yourself healthily like in a healthy way on the drum kit. And then you work out and take care of your body and you put all that stuff together and now you don't have any issues, you know.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I like about that though is you're not only you teaching somebody how to play the drums, you're teaching them how to have a long career. Because, you know, I'm old and I'm not going to name any names here, but I'm old enough to see, you know, the. I guess all those years of performing and like, dude, I mean, when we were like every. Everything was self taught. When I was growing up, like work, nobody went to the gym. No rock stars did. They were all. No, they were all like this big. You know what I mean? Like on. And like, I just saw a thing.

[Dave Elitch]

With Joe Namath this morning on Instagram and he was like, oh, yeah, no one went to the gym in the 70s because everyone thought you just bulk up and get stiff because no one knew you needed to get massage.

[Bill Burr]

Oh yeah, no, all of that. And like also, they also didn't know how to do knee surgeries and all of that.

[Dave Elitch]

And everyone's smoking and drinking and eating fried chicken and shit.

[Bill Burr]

Well, some things you should keep some.

[Paul Versey]

Things, some things they weren't.

[Bill Burr]

Wasn't all bad. Speaking of which, I had my first cigar since January.

[Dave Elitch]

I bet that was incredible.

[Bill Burr]

It was incredible. It was incredible. And so then, like, my new rules, I have to go like 10 days before I have another one. Because right around 10 days is when I think, like, do I want to do this? Do I want to do. I just. But I can't go back to being like fucking Jack Klugman on the odd couple every day. Like, I have a sports beat and I'm following the local baseball team.

[Dave Elitch]

You know, it is for me when I'm at home and I'm like, man, I'd love to have a cigar right now. It's I think, am I gonna wake up in the morning with the, with the ashtray mouth and be like, nah, that wasn't worth it. Sometimes you do and you're like, that was great.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, it's. Once you cross into the alone cigar, which is amazing.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I would put a lone cigar up there with, with. With drinking alone.

[Dave Elitch]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Which is really underrated. Like, people like talk about what a problem that is, but like, if you just like feel safe by being by yourself and you like to get a buzz. Like, although a lot of the people that I've spoken positively about drinking by yourself or also Alcoholics.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah, you gotta be. It's a slippery slope.

[Bill Burr]

I remember one of my going, like, dude, you ever, like, you ever drink by yourself? And then he was just like, oh, yeah, dude, I love it. And we almost talked about, like, it was this zen thing that we were doing rather than we had a problem or day drinking.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, I can't do that.

[Bill Burr]

Listen, I can do it, but I don't do it anymore. But what I did love about day drinking is that was like the pros, like, at night, there was like the jerk offs trying to make the league. Right. But like during the day when. When you walked into a bar and like, this is how you knew a pro drinker, not only were they drinking during the day, they had no interest in talking to anybody. Like the bartender. They know. They know each other's names and they don't. And they just, they just sort of look, they did. They would just tap the top of their glass, you know, and they always had like some sort of newspaper.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

High tops too. For some reason, these day drinkers love the high tops. They had white high tops on and.

[Dave Elitch]

They were like back in the 80s.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. And they had like the skinny, like, skinny jeans and then they had like the, the fucking, like and then the skinny arms and then they just had the keg.

[Paul Versey]

Kegerator.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking, like, torso.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, that's the alcohol. Alcoholic build.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, it was fantastic. Well, speaking of which, I went to the doctor the other day and my liver looks fantastic.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh, good for you.

[Bill Burr]

It took eight years, though. But, like, it can repair itself, so.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, good for you.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I was looking like Kobe beef.

[Mike]

For a minute.

[Bill Burr]

So. Oh, this is. But my brain, I. I need to work on that though, because I looked at my phone today. I was trying to show somebody a clip of something, and I looked and I saw these, like, sonograms. Like, someone was pregnant and they had like eight of them. I'm like, what the is this? Who is this? And I go, am I on, like, some sort of, like, open share thing? Like, somebody sent these. I don't want these. I forgot my heart. Doctor had sent them to my phone. Like he airdropped them because he airdropped him.

[Mike]

I didn't remember.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I just hit say they were in. But like, to my eyes, I was just scrolling through these photos. I'm like, who do I know that's fucking pregnant? Did Nia just send me these?

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh, dude.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Like, I can't handle this, so.

[Dave Elitch]

No.

[Bill Burr]

But anyway, to get back to your. Your Course, another thing which I was, I had to breeze through some of.

[Paul Versey]

Because it's very long, was.

[Bill Burr]

You were also talking about tuning. Yes, of drums and stuff, which I'm.

[Paul Versey]

Telling you, out of all the fucking.

[Bill Burr]

Mysteries out there, that thing like, he. You're the one where I can finally actually make a drum sound. Okay.

[Dave Elitch]

And dude, I came to your house the last time we were hanging out doing the lesson. I sat down and hit the bass drum. I was like, it's like, jesus, dude, this kid sounds amazing.

[Bill Burr]

Well, that's the stuff. This is, this, this is the stuff that you can learn on, on this, on this course is like for all you old school guys, they used to, they used to tell you the pattern to do. Yeah, yeah, right. But they would be like half a turn. Yeah, half a turn. Half a turn. Half a turn. And you the one that say, no, you like, like turn it. So it's the same resistance. So this might be a half a turn. This might be a little more than half or a little less. So you're doing it by touch. So once you get the thing, the head sat on the drum and you get it to a point, we can start trying to get a sound. You're already, you already have. You already have a sound to build from. It's not like, like wonky.

[Dave Elitch]

Well, it's like a torque wrench. It's like when you're putting a. When you're working on a car or whatever you have, or you're putting a tire, you're putting a wheel on a car, you have a torque wrench. So it's like, it knows.

[Bill Burr]

It's like when you just got done with the kitchen remodel and you wake up and you find your basement is flooded and, and you're standing there in your soggy slippers, but you remember how to shut off the water and you run her.

[Dave Elitch]

That didn't happen to you, did it?

[Bill Burr]

Yes, it did.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

The only victory I had was that I knew where the water shut off was. I at least knew that, man. Thing to do.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And I shut it off and it was. Yeah, no, I have an old house and it was like from the Fatty Arbuckle era. This elbow joint shout out to whatever plumber. That joint lasted about 97 years.

[Dave Elitch]

Well, that's when people gave a shit.

[Mike]

Right?

[Bill Burr]

That's when iron was iron, man, not.

[Mike]

Any of this imported shit.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, no, it was, it was, it was probably right out of Pittsburgh and I imagine an 8 year old probably put it together.

[Paul Versey]

No, by then they had unions.

[Bill Burr]

If it was the 1800s.

[Dave Elitch]

That's what it would have goes further back, but like, in. To bring it back to the tuning stuff. That course is broken up in three sections. Where the first section of it is your aesthetic approach and your influences and what you conceive of as a good sound or a bad sound or like. Because so many people go like, man, your drums sound amazing. How are you tuning them? It's like, well, before we even get to that, who do you like? Who are your favorite drummers? Who are your favorite records? Who are your favorite bands? Who are your favorite producers? Like, what are you trying to copy? What do you like in the first place? Right, like, so that's what the whole first section is. Then it's about how you're tuning, like, what you're talking about. And then there's a whole section that's like gear, anatomy. Because I know so many amazing drummers that don't know the difference between a lug and a tension rod and a hoop and the kind of different woods you use, how drums are made, how they're built, built. And there's a bunch of amazing drummers who don't know anything about gear. And that's totally fine. But it really helps when you know a little bit.

[Bill Burr]

You know, I, you know, if you're trying to get like a sound, I mean, that's kind of like. I don't know about cars. I don't know how to drive one.

[Dave Elitch]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, you can live in that. That basically lean on your drum tech.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, if. Yeah, if you have one. But like, you know, it's like you can know a little bit about cars. Like, you know what a transmission is, you know, and you know, like, too.

[Bill Burr]

Afraid to open it.

[Dave Elitch]

No, I wouldn't either. Transmissions are crazy, but like, you know enough about cars. So you could talk about like an engine and a transmission and how they work together, you know, a little bit to where you conceive of how the whole thing kind of works.

[Mike]

Which.

[Dave Elitch]

As opposed to knowing nothing that's helpful.

[Bill Burr]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Mike]

Fuck.

[Bill Burr]

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[Mike]

What are you doing the moment someone.

[Bill Burr]

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[Dave Elitch]

You have totally seen this.

[Bill Burr]

Oh yeah, yeah. The differential. Yeah. Yeah. So this is something if you're not a car guy, you wouldn't or a physics person. If you're basically a meathead like me. It's like when a car goes around a turn, you know, it's like running track. Like the guy on the outside track has to go further. So this wheel has to travel further than this one does.

[Paul Versey]

So all of that, all of the.

[Bill Burr]

Power through the transmission to the differential, you had to turn it 90 degrees and get it want to be able to turn independently. So this one could be going like this while this one's going slower.

[Dave Elitch]

Right Yep.

[Bill Burr]

And some guy figured out how to, like, have it looks like this gear is tumbling in there.

[Mike]

Some guy figured that out and, you know.

[Jake the Snake]

It was a guy.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, no, somebody. That's the Oscar winning movie. The Oscar winning movie that it was. It was an Amish woman and some WASPy white dude took it from him.

[Paul Versey]

God damn it. Women don't know about gears. Give me that Matilda.

[Dave Elitch]

So anyway, seen that, though.

[Bill Burr]

Somebody came up with that tumbling gear. So that's my thing.

[Dave Elitch]

Like a ring and, Like a ring and pinion.

[Bill Burr]

Right. So like, when somebody will say, like, you know, hey, Bill, you're like a smart guy. I always go, yeah. In a sports bar, you talk about a particular era. Yeah. Well, you know, if you have a tire that needs to move independently from another tire that needs to take this stuff and move it 90 degrees.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, you're not getting that answer over here.

[Dave Elitch]

That's a great video, though. I mean, I grew up with cars and I watched that. I was like, wow, that was cool. I learned something because it's like step by step how it evolved. And that was in, like, the 50s.

[Bill Burr]

Maybe the differential was before that.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, maybe.

[Bill Burr]

Well, no, the film was from the 50s.

[Paul Versey]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

But it was before that.

[Dave Elitch]

No, it was, like, from the teens up to the 50s.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And there was a guy, another guy did one where he had, like, styrofoam balls, and he was putting, like, these sticks in him to make it be like, the gear. And that was even more fascinating because, like, to see an actual differential working.

[Paul Versey]

There'S just a lot.

[Bill Burr]

It's like a bunch of teeth mashing together. But, like, with that one, for some reason, with the styrofoam balls or whatever, I got the hiccups, dude. I chowder breakfast burrito before I got here.

[Dave Elitch]

You know what I was gonna say.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, the third section is the. The breakfast burrito. The Dave Elitch breakfast burrito.

[Dave Elitch]

I wish. Man, I wish.

[Bill Burr]

I made one the other day for the first time.

[Dave Elitch]

Really?

[Bill Burr]

It was good. But I. I like potatoes in mine. I'm an Irish guy.

[Dave Elitch]

I love potatoes. But if I eat potatoes in my breakfast burrito, I just. I fall asleep immediately.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I get it.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

But it's good, you know, but they're good carbs.

[Mike]

I'm joking.

[Dave Elitch]

Are there good carbs?

[Bill Burr]

I'm just saying. No, no, no. I'm just.

[Dave Elitch]

No.

[Bill Burr]

You know, where you just justify. No, but. But it's top shelf alcohol.

[Dave Elitch]

It's keto, but it's.

[Bill Burr]

It's. It's pure.

[Dave Elitch]

I don't want you know what I was gonna say I was thinking about doing when I first came over to your house? I think the very first time you had that Bonham kit. Yeah, the green sparkle kit. Right?

[Bill Burr]

So it's like everybody, 14, 16, 18, 26.

[Dave Elitch]

It was like a museum kit. Yeah, it was like a museum piece.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like it was a 1971 or a.

[Dave Elitch]

73 ply green spot. It's like. It's like exactly what he. What he played. And I was like, this is amazing, dude. But, like, who are you? You know, like, right, like, this is cool.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I was this single white female of John Bonham. Well, but no, what you said to me. No, that ended up getting to me one day. And I just was sort of like thinking that if Bonham was somehow still alive or came back from the dead, and I said, hey, man, I'm a big fan of yours. Come check out my drum kit. If he walked in and saw his exact drum kit, he would be like, all right, mate. And like, slowly back down like, this dude is a fucking psycho.

[Dave Elitch]

Totally.

[Bill Burr]

So.

[Mike]

But what. And I also.

[Bill Burr]

What I found on that kit was the only thing that sounded good was like, big band drumming.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah. And like doing Led Zeppelin shit.

[Bill Burr]

Zeppelin. Or like the Knack, right? You know, some Billy Squire shit, you know, like. But what's his face? Oh, what was his name? I just lost his name, though. It's going to come to me later on. Joe something. Bobby Schuminard. Bobby Schuminard was. I want to say he was at a Brockton, Mass, too. He was the drummer for Billy Squire and had like that, you know, big sound. Heavily, obviously. Like. Heavily.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Influenced, like, right down to doing the licks of Bonham or whatever. But he had that swing underneath it or whatever. But that's the only thing that. That's the only. That sounded good, right? But if I went to play AC dc, like, just that it was just such a thundering bass drum.

[Dave Elitch]

Huge.

[Bill Burr]

And then also I hated how old it was. And just the whole time, oh, oh.

[Mike]

My God, I lost this.

[Bill Burr]

This whatever. What am I doing? I got to get this remit. Like, I always loved the. The. The ride symbol.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Attack on the bass drum. I think that's the coolest thing ever.

[Dave Elitch]

It is.

[Bill Burr]

But, like, then you got to use.

[Dave Elitch]

It and it's a disaster.

[Paul Versey]

Well, yeah, they, you know, thing goes like this.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because I had the.

[Bill Burr]

I had the 24 inch symbol that he had and it would just go.

[Paul Versey]

Like that and then hit the floor.

[Bill Burr]

Tommy be like, oh, doing all of that then I just. One day I just woke up and I called Dean Del Rey. He's like the master of selling things online. I go, all of it. I even had the Rogers high hat, like he had. And in a Drumstar, I just sell all of it. And they have to take the cymbals and people, like, he only wants the drum. Can't. No.

[Jake the Snake]

All of it.

[Paul Versey]

All of it out of here.

[Mike]

And then I went out and I.

[Bill Burr]

Got a Gretsch broadcaster, a brand new one. The greatest fucking decision I ever made.

[Dave Elitch]

But this is what I'm talking about. Like, you would never do that type of thing with comedy, right? Like, you have your own thing.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I hope so.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, of course.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Dave Elitch]

So, like, after we had that thing, and I was like, yeah, you know, like, you have your own thing with comedy. Let's do that with drumming. What sound do you want? We talked about it. You're like, I think I want a Gretch kit. You know?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. So everybody like. Yeah. So I guess if you're a musician, you shouldn't, like, if you're like the guitar center dad, you want to play what your heroes played.

[Dave Elitch]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

But you need eventually to grow out of that and then gravitate to whatever.

[Mike]

You hear in your head.

[Dave Elitch]

Exactly.

[Bill Burr]

That instrument. And then you make that instrument famous.

[Dave Elitch]

Exactly.

[Bill Burr]

And then Jim Ursay would buy it when you died.

[Dave Elitch]

Or at least, like, go, hey, I'm gonna do that bottom thing sometimes. Every once in a while, like, for fun. But it's not, like, the only thing, you know. Like, you know, I have tons of drums and I have old Ludwig kits. I have an 80s Gretsch kit. I've got tons of DW kits, which are modern things. So it's like.

[Bill Burr]

Like 9,000 snare drums.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah. I have, like, a hundred. It's a problem.

[Mike]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

It's funny is you're always selling one, too, and. Yep.

[Dave Elitch]

I just. I sell them and I buy them and I sell them.

[Bill Burr]

You know what? That's cigars. If you're a cigar smoker, you cannot get rid of all the cigars in your house. Because part of smoking cigars is. Is people go, hey, try the. All right, man. You try these, there's always an exchange. And for every two you give away, it's like you get three back. I feel that's cool, though. It is cool.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

It is cool. Until you want to stop and you can't.

[Dave Elitch]

Yep, that's what it is. That's why you got to do the alone cigar. So no one tries to push Them on you?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I definitely am on like a. I am on the addiction spectrum.

[Dave Elitch]

Who isn't though?

[Paul Versey]

We're all.

[Dave Elitch]

Everyone's addicted to their phone. At the very least.

[Bill Burr]

Ralph Nader probably.

[Dave Elitch]

Isn't he still alive?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know. But you know what my favorite thing is? When they were used to try to corrupt him, they couldn't figure out what he was into. So like. Because they needed some dirt on him and he was just being like this man of the people.

[Dave Elitch]

Interesting.

[Bill Burr]

So he goes to the supermarket. So they sentence like a hot chick to hit on him. He doesn't respond to it. They sent a different one, you know, blonde, blue net, redhead, white, black, whatever. They said maybe he's gay. They started sending dudes in there. It didn't work.

[Mike]

Just like he must be asexual.

[Bill Burr]

Wow. They couldn't get to him.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Bill Burr]

He just was like a good guy.

[Dave Elitch]

Imagine that. A good guy in politics.

[Mike]

I don't know how he survived.

[Bill Burr]

I think he survived because he only got to a certain level of success. But I have found around the world though, if you are a man of the people, once you get past a certain level, just. It's unreal.

[Dave Elitch]

Doesn't work out too well.

[Bill Burr]

It doesn't work out too well. Now something always comes along to kind of derail the thing. But anyway, where can people get this?

[Dave Elitch]

Davealich.com or you can go to my Instagram.

[Bill Burr]

You got a spell for my listeners?

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, Dave. D A V E L I T C H T C H. Yes, Dave Elitch. If you're from Denver and you grew up going to Elitch's Gardens. They know how to spell my last name, but.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, nice.

[Dave Elitch]

My great aunt Mary Elitch started a amusement park in Denver in the 20s.

[Bill Burr]

Not that one, that's in downtown.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, that one downtown.

[Dave Elitch]

Hey, that was Gardens.

[Bill Burr]

Is that what that's called?

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, well, it's. Six Flags owns it now, but yeah. Oh yeah, I think they moved it around here. Yeah, Mary Elitch was like my great aunt. So people from Denver like freak out when they find that out. It's pretty funny. Anyway, Denver.

[Bill Burr]

No, but Denver actually has a lot of really cool shit.

[Dave Elitch]

Totally.

[Bill Burr]

It had that and then it used to have Mile High Stadium, which was awesome. But they had. Up the way is. Is there's. On the way to the airport there's this arena looking thing and it's a smaller one. So I just looked it up and I found out that's where, you know, when the Denver Nuggets were still in the aba you know, and I looked into, like, trying to, like, do a small show there.

[Dave Elitch]

Whatever.

[Bill Burr]

I think they do rodeos or something there. And then also the best booze I ever fucking had, it was right around the corner from the Comedy Works. There's like, you walk out the door, you go a left, and then I think it's the first block. It's almost like Restaurant row in Manhattan where they have all these places. So there was sort of this speakeasy place and we went in there and I had never tried cognac before.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

And I was with this other. And it was like. This was like 60 years old.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh, wow.

[Bill Burr]

And it was ridiculous. It was ridiculously expensive. And me and the other act had hung around to see the Monday Night Football game. And so I was just like, dude.

[Mike]

We gotta do it.

[Bill Burr]

And he goes, all right. So there's this kid behind the bar. And I go, a bartender? You know, kid, to me, he's like 21, 22. So I said to him, I go, hey, we're gonna do a couple shots. And he was just like, really? Oh, dude, that's amazing. Like. Because, like, it was the most expensive they had. And I said, yeah. I go, and you're doing one with us. You know, I was a little drunk. Yeah, like, you're doing one with us. And he's just like, you know, I don't, you know, come up with, like this Midwest thing in, like the Mountain west, going, I couldn't fucking do. And I go. I go, dude, there's times in life when you say, yes, and this is one of them. And this is what a good kid he was. He goes, okay, but can I split it with my other buddy and the bartender? I go, let's fucking do it.

[Dave Elitch]

That's awesome, dude.

[Bill Burr]

And we. We drank this shit. If all booze was like this.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

If I could afford to drink, like, I. I never would have quit. Dude, we drank it, okay? First of all, the taste of it was. It was. It tasted like the past, but in a good way. It was amazing. And then when it went down your throat, I felt my whole body just.

[Dave Elitch]

Go like, that sounds dangerous, dude.

[Bill Burr]

It was. Yeah. And, dude. And I'm telling you, it's a sipping thing, too. There's no way, you know. No, you don't drink it like an airline pilot. And I'm using that reference because one time, One time we were in a cigar bar and we. And we got some top shelf stuff. We were talking to these pilots and I was getting my license, so I was like, fascinated with everything that they were saying. And the guy didn't know it was like high end booze. The pilot. And we gave it to him and he just shot the thing. We were like.

[Mike]

And he's a.

[Paul Versey]

He's like, it was good.

[Mike]

It was good.

[Bill Burr]

It's like, no, dude, you. You sip this stuff. You sip it.

[Dave Elitch]

So, yeah, it's not smearing off.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I mean, yeah, it's in the bottle for 60 years and you just slam it down. So we were just sipping it.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And it was just. Each sip was like this experience and I was like thinking like, you know, like these Illuminati guys just have like chalices of this.

[Dave Elitch]

Wearing some mask with antlers on it.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, One of the funniest most. What's that deadly sin? Gluttonous. Most. One of the most gluttonous things I've ever heard in my life was this guy I knew, he goes, dude, one of the most overrated thing ever is. What is that stuff? Not escargot. What's the. What's the fish eggs things? Caviar. He goes, how expensive caviar is? He goes, I order that shit lining. It comes to me in a bucket. He goes, I eat it with a giant spoon watching tv.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh my God, dude, how is that guy's liver.

[Paul Versey]

I was fucking dying.

[Bill Burr]

I'm like, dude, that is the most.

[Mike]

Disgusting display of wealth I've ever heard.

[Dave Elitch]

You eat.

[Paul Versey]

You eat caviar with.

[Dave Elitch]

Out of a bucket.

[Bill Burr]

Do with like a salad spoon just sitting there like a little kid.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Bill Burr]

Listen, everybody's got their vice. Yeah, I mean, well, anyway, let's. Let's try to like gradually with that visual. With that visual also.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

We don't have to just talk drums like you. You're also a coffee guy like me.

[Dave Elitch]

Yep, yep.

[Bill Burr]

And I. I gotta go over your place because you have a new espresso machine that you got dialed in. Yeah, dude, you should see this guy's grinder. Looks like some. Something you look at a planet with.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, it does look like a telescope. Yeah, I got a coffee tech grinder, the flat Max two for all the dorks out there.

[Bill Burr]

But no shame in it, dude. There's no shame.

[Dave Elitch]

It really. It's a deep. It's like anything. It's like hi fi equipment. It's like drums. It's like you can go really, really, really deep.

[Bill Burr]

The Macintosh stereo grinders.

[Dave Elitch]

Yep, exactly.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Dave Elitch]

I mean, I did the same thing I did with drums, you know, when I. When I played drums when I was a Kid, I got a $300 CB 700 kit, that piece of. And I beat the brakes off of it. And then I got a pearl export. And then I got a. You know, I work my way up, you know, so I appreciate it. Right. Did the same thing with all the coffee stuff. I just worked my way up and then you can notice.

[Paul Versey]

So what is.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, let's. We gotta hear your setup, man.

[Dave Elitch]

So I got that CoffeeTech flat max 2.

[Paul Versey]

And then just throw that out there.

[Bill Burr]

Like it's no big deal. It's like at the Porsche 911 RS Turbo. So you got that sick ass grinder.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, that thing is. Is a tank. I think it has like 93 millimeter burrs. Are hu. Flat burrs. And then I have the same machine you do the La Marzocco micro.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, that thing is my favorite.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, it's incredible. I mean, that's it. It's just those two things and.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I'm such a snob now that when I use other people's espresso machines and when they go to like, you know, stain the milk and it's like. Like, like, what the is this? Well, I used to. I can't even get like the like the vortex thing going on.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah. It kind of becomes a problem because like it. I can't really go anywhere and get like a decent macchiato or a cortado or something.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I stopped going in my neighborhood too, because, like, the best coffee's at my place. Yeah.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah. You make a great latte.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, that made my day.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, you do. You do. Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Well, it's.

[Mike]

You know, I got.

[Bill Burr]

I have the. I got the machinery. Although I went to a place recently.

[Dave Elitch]

Wait, did you get the grinder?

[Bill Burr]

I haven't got the grinder.

[Dave Elitch]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

I still have the basic.

[Jake]

That's gonna blow.

[Bill Burr]

That's gonna blow your mind, that one.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Which by the way, don't ever grind coffee beans when you have somebody on your bows. It freaks them out. I bet they think you're like, song. Well, it's weird how Bose, like, picks up like it'll make it louder.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, great. That's what I want.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah. No, not the I don't claim to be the smartest person. So anyway, I got to get back in for a. A. I want you to see where I am.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, I want to see this six one handed, 16th note thing. It sounds like it's going well, but like. Yeah, you doing that. It's. There's. I don't know anything about sports, but since you're so into sports, there's a ton of analogies you can use when playing sports. You know, it's like if you're playing golf and you try and cream the ball, it's not going to go anywhere. You try and hit it as hard as you can. It's just, you know.

[Bill Burr]

I know, but it's fun.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, of course, you know, of course it's fun, you know, but like, there's so many analogies you can use. But, like, you being able to do the 16th note thing and then be like, oh, my arms getting tired and then understand how to release it and they're like, oh, I can keep going now. It's like, that's complex.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. No, and the stuff that you taught me too, where I was, like, leaned like if I was trying to play something, the bass drum and I had. And I had the hi hat going too.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like, because I was. I didn't have a strong core.

[Mike]

My.

[Bill Burr]

So as wasn't strong enough. I had to lean back. I was like, lean back like this to almost counterbalance being up.

[Paul Versey]

Like.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I couldn't do this before.

[Dave Elitch]

No, like, well. And you were collapsing yourself.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Dave Elitch]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

So for the drummers out there, one of the most amazing exercises that I found for hip flexors or whatever is you sit with your feet like 10 and 2. Put a water bottle on the outside and try to sit straight up and lift your leg up and then set it down. Only do literally sets of four. And I would do one set of four and see how you feel, because it's like something that you just don't do that.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So it's really confronting. Your muscle is like, like the next day, like, I was, like, really sore.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Just after doing, like, I. I was like a set of four, set of six. No, you know what? That's not right. What I did was I did like two or three sets of them, and then I realized I can't do that yet. I need to do sets of like, four and then work up my strength. Now I can, like, do it. But like, like, that was the thing when I could finally end up, like, faking good times, bad times is like, because I was able to be like, on top of it and balance. Yes. On this. On the sit bones and stuff like that.

[Mike]

And this is all fucking.

[Bill Burr]

I know this is nerd shit. This isn't exciting. But this if.

[Mike]

But all of those killer fucking ideas.

[Bill Burr]

You have, all of a sudden, you can do them. But also if you're as I imitate John Bonham and don't have a killer idea.

[Paul Versey]

Okay.

[Dave Elitch]

But dude, if you're. If you're listening to this and you're sitting in a cubicle at work, you can apply all the same. Stu. So many people are collapsed into themselves. They have sciatica. They don't know. So it's just like understanding how to expand your body up and out and get on your sit bones, get on top of your pelvis and so you can use your back to hold your body up. You're sitting down all day. Like, that's just as relevant. I mean, I see people all the time where they have the same repetitive movement injuries and they're just in a cubicle all day.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Dave Elitch]

You know, so it's like, it's all relevant.

[Bill Burr]

Well, here's a good one for that. And when I was in New York, I saw this guy. He was on a scooter, like, delivering food, and he stopped at a red light and he brought his arms up like this and then brought him, like, straight back, like at 3 o' clock, and then turned them around. I was just looking. Like, the human body can do that.

[Dave Elitch]

I could never do that.

[Bill Burr]

And my shoulders are.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So what I did was, you know, I just got like a hockey stick. And with a wide grip, I could go all the way down like that. And then every day I just kept going. Like, if you even do that. Just expanding this. Like, how much lighter. Opening your chest, your lungs and all of that. I was kind of like, you know, just driving. Yes. Computers, drumming, reading.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You know, texting to be more jerking off.

[Mike]

Everything.

[Paul Versey]

Like, that's everything.

[Bill Burr]

Davy Liches, really.

[Paul Versey]

You will jerk off. You will be on your sit bones. You can have both feet off the ground, just rubbing one.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, sorry.

[Mike]

I mean, it really is.

[Bill Burr]

You could just. I'm not that guy in the infomercial.

[Paul Versey]

I mean, you can apply this to almost everything. No, but like, that.

[Bill Burr]

Those are the types of things especially, I think, for men. Like, they don't. So I became sort of obsessed with, like, I tried. My daughter could do a backbend, so I tried to do it.

[Dave Elitch]

And it was just.

[Bill Burr]

It was like, oh, God. I was like, this table. So. But now I can actually. I had to get an exercise ball and I was like, trying to reach to.

[Paul Versey]

I was like, oh, making all these fucking noises.

[Bill Burr]

But this was the thing. Doing that and bringing it around. That was the exercise that. Because I thought it was just this here. But you also need to, like, stretch out this and all of that. So now I can actually get three quarters of the way up, and doggone it, I'm a happier person. But it's.

[Dave Elitch]

It's all the Diana shit, man.

[Bill Burr]

It's like if Diana Linden, rest your soul.

[Paul Versey]

Yes.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah. It's like if you didn't see her as much as you saw her and learn as much as you did from her, and same with me, you wouldn't know to do all that stuff, right? It's about like, the body's designed to expand, right. And in order to get the body to expand and use it the way it's designed to be used, evolutionarily speaking, you need to get a ton of body work done, and you need to stretch and you need to use yourself and the way you're talking about. Because with technology and furniture and cubicles and. And laptops and stuff, like, we're all just collapsed into ourselves, and you have to do a ton of work to be able to get the body back to its, like, natural state of being.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Dave Elitch]

You know, there's really not a lot.

[Bill Burr]

You know, when I went to the doctor, he was telling me, he goes. He goes, at your age, he goes, lean and mean. That's what you want to be. Lean and mean. I'm like, but I came from the 80s.

[Mike]

I like lifting weights.

[Bill Burr]

I'm still lift weights, you know?

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I listen to my doctor, but also like, that guy, you know. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm gonna listen to him.

[Dave Elitch]

Well, that's really.

[Bill Burr]

What does he know?

[Paul Versey]

I went on.

[Bill Burr]

I know it too. Dot net.

[Dave Elitch]

It's all. It's all the diet, man. For me, that's the hard part. I can work out five, six days a week, but then I'm like, I want some tacos right now. I want some Indian food. That's the hard part for me, man. I mean, you're pretty disciplined. I'm a pretty disciplined guy. But when it comes to food, I just.

[Bill Burr]

I like. I do these interviews, and people will let you know if you've gained 3 pounds a Billy Fat Tits Dave. Billy Tits on his balls Dave Billy Fat Face. And it's just like, no. And, you know, there's like, fat shaming really gets a bad rap.

[Dave Elitch]

Gets results.

[Bill Burr]

It does. I'm just like, you know, as much.

[Paul Versey]

As that hurt they are, right?

[Bill Burr]

Is it because I'm not sitting up? It's like, no, because you're a fat bastard.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh, maybe.

[Paul Versey]

Well, you know what?

[Bill Burr]

I got off sugar a couple years ago, and then this past my past birthday, you know, I was out in New York, I was doing the play and I was missing my family and I was fucking depressed. So rather than getting a giant cake, they went out and they got cupcakes. So I just had one of them. Dude, it took me, like, I'm still struggling to stay off, off. And that was July, August, September. So now, like, I forget what happened yesterday. Like, the last couple of days, I've just been like, I need to go back to just saying, no, no, no, no, no. So I did that. So now it's starting to fade. But, like, last night, you know, I was thinking, hey, you know, I'm feeling kind of sad. Be nice to have my sugar go up.

[Paul Versey]

That's basically what it is.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So then what I did instead was I just grabbed. The least exciting option was just, like, a handful of, like, raw cashews. And I ate those instead. Yeah, that's what I did, you know? Well, there's gonna be some hassle, right?

[Mike]

Actually, raw cashews are worse than having ice cream, according to a new study.

[Dave Elitch]

Oh, yeah. You know, what I've been doing is just. New evidence shows I've been eating a handful of frozen blueberries instead of, like, some sort of sugary garbage. That seems to be helping.

[Bill Burr]

I know. I could tell it's good for you because of the monotone way you just said that. What I've been doing instead is grabbing a handful of frozen blueberries.

[Dave Elitch]

It scratches the itch.

[Bill Burr]

You know, grapes are supposed to be good.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, but, you know, you talk to Dean, right? He got. He went, like, cold turkey off sugar, like, forever.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, he did.

[Dave Elitch]

He did.

[Bill Burr]

And then, yeah, he went through some bullshit, you know, some grief, and he kind of put it back on. Then he was like, all right, I gotta take it off. And, dude, he's, like, lean and mean again.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Dean. Dean Del Rey, if. Who, by the way, dude, is. You know. You know when you get excited, when a drummer gets better that you're teaching?

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

He's written the funniest that he's ever.

[Mike]

Oh, you want to.

[Bill Burr]

Thousand Oaks.

[Dave Elitch]

When I saw you guys the other night, I was like, God damn, dude. He murdered.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, he murdered.

[Dave Elitch]

He murdered. He.

[Bill Burr]

And he had some of the best. Yeah, it is the best shit that he's written. Like, you know, I. I know the sound of Dean killing. And I was backstage, I was like, oh, he's killing. Killing. No.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah. And it was, like, effortless.

[Paul Versey]

Killing.

[Bill Burr]

Killing.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great. It was a great set.

[Bill Burr]

That was a fun night because Bianca. Bianca had just gotten her citizenship. So we were just teasing her. Just acting something different about you. We just kept acting like she was automatically dumber because she was now American.

[Dave Elitch]

It's like you speak five languages or whatever.

[Bill Burr]

Do you feel like getting a truck yet? Give in.

[Mike]

It's fun.

[Bill Burr]

Come on.

[Paul Versey]

When in Rome, get a fucking truck.

[Bill Burr]

I'm speaking of what? Shoot. I'm. I'm loving the new car, man. Having another. It's been a long time since I had, like, a stick shift or whatever. I kind of like it. But the only excuse is it doesn't have, like, a cell phone charger. But what is good is if you don't. If you don't put the seat on, a seat belt on, it doesn't give a fuck. That's great.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, but you know what?

[Bill Burr]

You know what?

[Dave Elitch]

You go through the windshield.

[Paul Versey]

No, no, but I.

[Bill Burr]

But sometimes you just backing out of the driveway and moving the car, and I don't need. Like, the whole time I'm doing it.

[Dave Elitch]

Yep.

[Bill Burr]

So what was I gonna say?

[Mike]

I.

[Dave Elitch]

The new car stick shift.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, it's gone.

[Mike]

It just.

[Dave Elitch]

My. My Citroen that I took you out, and when we went up in the helicopter, you know, that car's from 1973. So it's like, by today's standards, it's not. Not that fast at all. But, like, it's such a.

[Bill Burr]

More like visceral.

[Mike]

Say it.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah, visceral. You're integrated into the car. Like, it's so much more fun to drive with.

[Bill Burr]

The only smart car option the thing has, and it drives me up the wall. Is when I go to put it in reverse.

[Mike]

The.

[Bill Burr]

The. I haven't. I think I finally figured out what makes it do that.

[Mike]

What.

[Dave Elitch]

What does it do?

[Bill Burr]

I'm sorry.

[Mike]

I could.

[Bill Burr]

Could give you that information.

[Mike]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

Is it automatically tilts down on the. On the. The passenger side so you can see the curb, which is great if you're parallel parking.

[Dave Elitch]

The mirror.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But if.

[Bill Burr]

If you're. Yeah. The mirror itself will tilt down so you can see, which is cool. If you're parallel parking. But if you're trying to get out of a carport, not hit the gate. I'm looking at my driveway, so it's like. I think if. If you have the driver's. The passenger side thing selected and you adjust it back, it stays. But if you move it back to neutral, then it'll go down again.

[Dave Elitch]

I'm sure.

[Bill Burr]

I was screaming at the mirror. I yelled, stop doing that. That doesn't bother me.

[Dave Elitch]

Did it work?

[Bill Burr]

No. And I really felt stupid.

[Dave Elitch]

I'm sure some nerd on YouTube has made a video about how to fix it if it's possible.

[Bill Burr]

Do I go into settings?

[Dave Elitch]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

That's my new thing. You spend a 30 of life sleeping and another third going into settings, but that talking to a 20 something that's rolling their eyes because you don't know how to do this yourself.

[Dave Elitch]

Even though I think AI is going to be the end of us all. That is one of the nice things about ChatGPT is if like it's wrong a lot. But like I was setting up a camera.

[Bill Burr]

But aren't we all?

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah. Yes. I was trying to set up a camera thing in my studio at my house and I'm a total moron when it comes to technology. And, and it like when it works, you're like, oh, that was great. And actually I figured it out. Or I didn't, but it figured.

[Bill Burr]

Chat GPT.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, Chat GPT. Did you just.

[Bill Burr]

GPT?

[Paul Versey]

I didn't know how to. No, I just didn't know how. Chat GPT.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, that's when you go, hey, Siri.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

If I, I want to go to Turkey and get some hair plugs.

[Paul Versey]

How much is a flight right now?

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, I mean it's wrong a lot, but like I was trying to hook.

[Bill Burr]

Up like Turkey is a traditional dinner on Thanksgiving.

[Paul Versey]

That's not what I asked you exactly. I have a date on Friday night and she said she liked a full.

[Dave Elitch]

Head of hair, but yeah, anyway, I forget what we were. Why we were talking about that, but.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, somebody trying to tell me the other day that somebody got like beard hair transplant and that's like pube hair. And they were trying to suggest that they went down by his balls and it was just one of the. Exactly.

[Paul Versey]

It was one of those stories where.

[Bill Burr]

I was just going like, this doesn't sound real.

[Dave Elitch]

Wait, do you have like a patchy beard? And you want.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, when it, when it doesn't connect. When it doesn't connect, why don't you just give up?

[Dave Elitch]

I feel like if I had a patchy beard like that I'd be like, you know what? This is just.

[Bill Burr]

But usually if you have a patchy beard, you have a full head of hair. And usually if you can grow a beard in two seconds you lose your hair. That's how it is. The hairiest fucking. That's how it usually works.

[Dave Elitch]

Wait, what? Say that again.

[Bill Burr]

I'm saying usually people with patchy beards.

[Mike]

Also have a full head of hair though. It's like the hair goes.

[Bill Burr]

It's either on the top of your head or it's growing out of your face. So these fucking assholes with their full head of hair, they, they want one. We got, huh?

[Dave Elitch]

I've, I've had a beard.

[Paul Versey]

When's Trump gonna stick up for that?

[Dave Elitch]

I've had a beard since I was like 15, but I always knew I was gonna go bald, so it was just like, whatever.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, but you didn't go till later.

[Dave Elitch]

No, I mean, you know, you know what it was is I, I, I had a big afro for a long time and then I did like the high pony afro thing. And then all these, you can say man bun yoga bros started doing that. And I was like, I gotta get rid. I didn't want to have the receding hairline in the front and then a afro bun in the back. That is a bad look.

[Bill Burr]

I also didn't want to be called the old shogun. A shogun warrior of a certain age.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, I didn't want to be doing that. It's a bad look. So I just shaved.

[Bill Burr]

Well, that's great that you knew that though, because so many people. There's some hairstyles that are coming back. I saw a guy the other day, like, sat me at a restaurant and it was the classic Yanni Smooth jazz. It was like, it was up and over and down and there was something like some sort of something going on here that was tied up and goes down. It's just like, wow, dude, you just need like a saxophone and just play me over to that booth.

[Dave Elitch]

Is he wearing a hemp necklace too?

[Bill Burr]

Well, he was at work, so I don't know. But like, he was definitely you947 the way. Hey.

[Mike]

Smooth.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, that one white dude in the band. Yeah, he had that, he had that vibe like, ah, he can play. He can play.

[Dave Elitch]

Well, he had long flowing hair, but also kind of a high pony at the same time.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, as a bald person, it bugs me when somebody has a beautiful full head of hair and then they just have a shitty haircut. It's just like, dude, you have no idea. You could end up like me. But then I also look at him like, well, that's a cool thing that you did that, that you actually had that style. Because someday you won't. Someday, someday that option will not exist. But the option to download this man's great song.

[Mike]

We got to wrap it up here.

[Bill Burr]

The option to download this. Dude, like, seriously, there is, you know, so much just misinformation and lies. On the Internet, someone who's actually out here that really has a passion not only for playing and making music, but also, like, helping people, which is a great thing. That's what you do as an older fella. You reach back and you reach down, you try to not reach back, reach down, reach back. You fucking get canceled. You reach down, you try to pull some people up that you have this passion for teaching and everything and about, like, the right ways of doing things. And I just love that, you know, you're giving people this and then it's theirs. It's free to use however they want to use it for whatever they hear between their ears. You're doing a great thing.

[Dave Elitch]

Thank you, man.

[Mike]

I appreciate it.

[Bill Burr]

So it's.

[Paul Versey]

Improve your mind.

[Jake the Snake]

Yes.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

All you guys are going like, damn.

[Paul Versey]

Bill, you've been, like, practicing.

[Bill Burr]

I've been talking to this fucking guy. Your mind's ear available at Dave Elitch E L I T C H Like.

[Paul Versey]

The carnival out there in Denver Amusement park. Sorry. Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

I just insulted your family crest out there in Denver, Colorado. Thank you guys so much for listening. Have a great weekend. You can't. And I'll talk to you on Monday.

[Mike]

Hey, what's going on?

[Paul Versey]

Hey, baby.

[Mike]

It's the Monday morning podcast for October 8, 2017. What's going on? Yes, I'm singing a little bit of Tom Petty. I was lucky enough to be at the Florida Gators game in the swamp against the LSU Tigers. SEC football, 80,000 people, whatever the fuck it is, going absolutely ape shit. And they had this great tribute, which I'm sure some of you saw the clips online of the whole stadium saying, I won't back down. It was fucking odd. You know, it sucks the guy died, you know, but he leaves all that great music and all that. What I want to. Yeah, it's a great fucking. That's a great life. You know what I mean? Considering all this shit that fucking happens nowadays, the fact that that guy was able to make it into his 60s, the very least, still sucks he died, you know, but whatever. It was a great. It was. It was awesome. You know what's hilarious is if you were there, everybody sang the. Out of that first verse, and then when the second verse came along, you. You saw the radio fans and then the real Tom Petty fans, right? Everybody knew the first birds. I. Well, whoa, back down, Noah Stam. I don't know the word. Stan my ground. And then all of a sudden, the. Everybody knew the words. And then it gets the second verse. Listen to it. Everybody's just kind of. Everybody's just waiting for that. Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out, right? So anyways, we went to the Swamp out there in Gainesville, Georgia, where Tom Petty is from, evidently. I didn't know that till he died. And I knew he was from Florida, yet another great musician from Florida, right? You got all the fucking Allman Brothers from down there. You got Tom Petty. I don't know where the Heartbreakers were from, but, you know, I mean, he met him, so they had to be somewhere near Florida, right? Somewhere in the fucking lower 48. But Jesus Christ, did that stadium, Ben Hill fucking stadium, this, AKA the Swamp, did that thing ever live up to its fucking name? My God, we had upper deck seats.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Mike]

It was was. It was just fucking. It was ridiculous. First of all, we go up there and they had like the aluminum seats up top, just like the old Patriots stadium, you know? And if you stood up during the wintertime, when everybody had the big winter coats on, if you stood up too long after a good play, or most likely a disappointing play back then, when you went to sit back down, you lost your seat. And then you were just sort of standing up, you couldn't sit down. And then people would pelt you with hot dogs and fucking snowballs and all that shit. And you know what you did? You laughed and all your friends laughed at you. You didn't make a fucking. You didn't have a cell phone to make a video and turn yourself into a victim, you know? So anyways, we were sitting up there and you literally had to just walk back into the tunnel. And with all that heat coming off the field and all those people there, like, literally where you walked into the stadium became like a wind tunnel. So. And I was going out there, man, and I'm gonna tell you right now, there was a bunch of people just sitting down, all shapes and sizes, all ages, from kids all the way to old people just sitting down, like, yo, I gotta take a good 10 minute break here or I think I'm gonna fucking die. And then, mercifully, the sun started to go. By the way, it's October. It's October. Felt like fucking August. And the sun finally went down and it was a great game. I know. You know, the Gators were missing their starting quarterback. And I also know, obviously LSU had that horrible loss last week to the Trojans, Troy, and so it was a big win for them. It was just a fucking. It was a great game. Unfortunately, that kid missed that field goal. Everyone's chanting his name Eddie. Eddie. You know, I don't know what happened. The fucking kid missed the extra point. Which kind of sucked, because I would have loved to see in overtime. But there was this one LSU fan, this old guy, just. He was fucking hilarious. Even, like Gator fans, as annoying as he was, he was just this old guy and he would do these stupid dances whenever LSU had, like, a big play. He looked ridiculous and was making a complete ass of himself, all the while having the best time of his life.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Mike]

And everybody. It was just. It's one of those. Just one of those great moments, why you go to sports and all that. And, you know, we had a great time. We didn't pay for parking either. And then we found out why afterwards, because we were so buried in. But it was just awesome to finally go there. Legendary school, legendary fucking field. And I actually learned this about that field, is that that field is in, like, the top 20 biggest stadiums in the United States. Here they are right here. Michigan, number one, number two, Penn State, then Ohio State, Texas A And M, Tennessee, LSU, Alabama, University of Texas, USC, Georgia, that's the top 10. Then UCLA, the Cotton Bowl, Nebraska, Florida comes in at number 14. And I was pretty psyched. As far as the top 10, I've been to every one of those stadiums except for Penn State and what's the other one? Michigan, Texas A and M. Tennessee. I haven't been to Tennessee, so I gotta fucking knock those out, all right? I gotta try to do that shit. I know it's fucking stupid shit, but this is what this podcast is. This podcast is stupid shit, all right? Stupid shit that doesn't fucking matter. And then listen to me, you know? All these fucking assholes. You know, I've been getting letters lately of really heavy variety. I don't fucking do that on here. You're listening to the wrong fucking podcast. There's enough of that out there. This place is to forget your fucking troubles. Fucking asshole. Some douchebag sent me this fucking email. The name of the email was Fuck America. And then he goes on to present his argument about gun control. It's like, buddy, you started it off with Fuck America. Like, how would you. How is the people that you want to listen to this going to listen to it after that? So I won't be reading that one. You know what I mean? All these fucking people screaming and fucking yelling about this and about that. You know what I mean? Every time there's a big fucking tragedy. You know what I love now? I love how everybody's got a fucking way in now. Right? And then, like, it becomes. My favorite things is celebrities react to the hurricane. You know what I mean? Like, oh, good. I need to know what JLO thinks about a Category five. Oh, was she upset that that happened to Houston? Who wouldn't be? Who the fuck wouldn't be? I don't fucking. I don't. I just don't understand why they do that. I've never fucking understood. There'll be, like, a fucking earthquake. And then it's always like, hashtag, fucking. Thinking about, you know, wherever the fucking earthquake hit. You know what's funny about those fucking accounts? Most of those, like, if you're smart, I guess, you know, you don't do your own account. You have somebody else do it. So whenever anything bad happens, they actually. It's somebody else doing it for the person so they don't get in trouble. They don't say the wrong fucking thing. Just. Everything has just become that. I missed that whole story about Cam Newton. He said some smart, ugly thing to a fucking female reporter, right? And rather than her just settling with him being like, hey, Cam, why don't you go fuck yourself? And then they laugh it off and they both drink a Bud Light or something, a Miller Light, like that used to. How it used to go down. All of a sudden now he showed up to the game today for some reason, dressed like a pimp, like a. I don't know what. And then he's got, like, a fucking Rosie the Riveter thinking that he's gonna say all this positive shit about women. I don't. I just. I don't fucking. I don't. Like, it's just one fucking apology after another. Meanwhile, the world is going to hell in a fucking handbasket, and I gotta fucking sit here and I'm gonna watch that. I need to see the resolution of that. Like, these two fucking adults cannot solve this amongst themselves. I swear to God, I was half listening to Cam Newton. I swear to God, he was talking to Rosie to Riveter, as if it was a real person. Am I out of my mind or that? Wasn't that like a caricature that represented women working in World War II? Was there really a woman named Rosie and her middle name was the. And the last name was Riveter? I might be wrong. You know, by all means, let me look this up before I have to have a press conference and fucking apologize to somebody.

[Paul Versey]

Here we go.

[Mike]

Rosie the Riveter. Rosie the Riveter. All right. Rosie the river is a cultural icon.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I swear to God, he was fucking Talking like it was my poly. Maybe he wasn't. That would be fucking hilarious. And lastly, I'd like to apologize to Rosie the riveter. I know she did a lot of things. She riveted a lot of rivets back down there by the river. And I apologize. Here's something I wish people in the press could do. I wish they could get their balls broken a little bit more, especially if you got. If you kind of go in the locker room, you know what I mean? If you're going to fucking go in there, people are going to bust your chops. Like, the athletes, like, they should be able to sit there and be like, what did you say, you bald fat fuck who couldn't run 30 yards without having a heart attack? What was your question about my decision in the second quarter? Why can't they do that? I don't understand why they can't do that. What'd you say, lady? You addressed me as Ms. Sports reporter. Go fucking fuck yourself. That stupid ass story will get more fucking coverage than pharmaceutical companies basically being heroin dealers. You know what I mean? They're not gonna fuck with that because they advertise on that channel. But God forbid somebody throws one high and tight at somebody with a fucking clam, and all of a sudden, oh, Jesus, the whole fucking world stops. I'm not saying he shouldn't apologize. They should fucking handle it, this thing. He didn't say it to me. The fuck am I sitting there watching it for? I don't know. He lost, like, advertising money. I mean, who can even fucking remember, like, what? You know, the only one thing I could ever remember this is some of the greatest advertising, I guess, because I can remember was Shaquille o' Neal did a bunch of Buick ads. And that was the funniest fucking thing ever, because. And a lot of people instantly when they saw that, it's like, shaq doesn't drive a fucking Buick. He's one of the top 50 NBA players of all time. What the fuck did he do with his money that he's driving at Buick? Even if he blew all his goddamn money from being a player, he's still got a TV gig. He's not driving at Buick. He can't even fucking fit in one. Maybe that fucking Roadmaster from back in the 50s cut the roof off a Riviera maybe, I don't know. Take out the front seat. He could sit in the back end. I don't know. Actually, Shaq is memorable. I don't know why he does that. And then he has the one with the little Monopoly guy, the general, which just looks like the cheesiest insurance ever, you know. And then Shaq does that. You know, I'm not really smiling. I'm just smiling because I'm going to get paid. You know where he has the under and the overbite? He just puts his top teeth on his bottom teeth. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I usually, like I said, I usually don't fucking do these. When I fly on the same day. I just. Of course, I have no fucking time. I have a million fucking things to do. What else? What else? What else? Oh, should I address this? I will address this. The big fucking story that everybody's talking about out there. I am of the firm fucking belief. I am of the firm fucking belief this is a new theory. I'm not saying I'm right, but I am of the fucking belief that the fucking attention that they give to these fucking lunatics is why more than ever people do that lunatic shit. Like, do you remember when Kim Kardashian, she made that sex tape and then all of a sudden somebody got a hold of it and then it went out there and then it became like this porno tape. And up until then that was unbelievably embarrassing and it fucking ruined you. And then that was it. That was fucking it. But somehow she came out the other side with the TV show and is now like a fucking, like an icon multi fucking millionaire. And right after that happened. What happened? A bunch of women who wouldn't have done that shit went out and tried to do that shit. Cuz they saw it and what stopped it was none of it. None of them fucking made it. However, if they started fucking making it and started getting attention the way these lunatics do, I saw on the COVID of People magazine, they're like, oh, this is the deadliest yada, yada, yada of all fucking time. You're giving these, these fucking lunatics a number to now shoot for. Because the same way I sat on TV and I sat at home on TV and I'm saying, oh, look at that. Stand up list. Stand up comedy. That looks cool. I want to fucking do that. Lunatics want to do this other shit. I am of a firm fucking belief they should not fucking, shouldn't say the dude's name. That's it. You go in, you whack the guy, you throw him in a fucking incinerator and then you throw his ashes in a fucking sewer. That's it. All right? And then you Take care whoever got fucking hurt. That's what you do, all right? But all this fucking shit that you then put it on the top. And then, you know, one of these fucking channels, they're gonna. They're gonna. They're gonna do like they do with the serial killers, you know, you never know the victims names. You just know that those fucking people and all the fucking celebrities, you know who. If they even run their goddamn accounts, then they got a fucking comment about it. The celebrity reaction to the tragedy where they weren't at. You know something else.

[Paul Versey]

Fuck it, I'm on a rant.

[Bill Burr]

You know what else I liked?

[Mike]

I liked all these douchebags who were taking videos of themselves. They weren't anywhere near it. Hey, just letting everybody know that I'm all right. It's like, yeah, dude, you're 20 fucking.

[Jake the Snake]

Miles down the street.

[Mike]

Who the fuck even knew you were there? Who are you making this for? You can't just text your friends and.

[Paul Versey]

Be like, yeah, dude, I'm cool.

[Mike]

I don't know. Everything has got to be about. Everybody's got to make it about themselves. I. Fuck, it drives me up the fucking wall. Drives me up the fucking wall. I have no solution for this shit, but I do firmly fucking believe that they have to stop making these. These lunatics famous and ranking. You know, the body count. I might be wrong. The fuck do I know? I'm a comedian, okay, I'll apologize next week. I'll wear a fucking. A Ted Bundy button on a pimp hat and I'll fucking apologize to somebody, I guess. I don't know. What.

[Paul Versey]

All right, there you go.

[Mike]

I'm done. I'm done with my fucking rant there. Anyways, what else? What else? Oh, yes, I went to the fucking. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers game. I just find that shit just drives me nuts. It's not about so and so's fucking reactions about the people that were there, and then the people came in and fucking helped the people. It's not about the lunatic that did it. It's about those people. That's what it's about. It's not about you down the street. No, I was fucking there and I fucking. The DJ stopped playing records and I was like, whoa, what's going on? Anyways, I had a. I went to. I went to the Buccaneers game. The pirate ship one, not the choo choo trains. Very confusing for Boston sports fans. Okay, we got one with a pirate ship, one with the choo choo train. And fans were great. Great goddamn fans love the stadium and you know, it's funny, you could tell that they. They built the pirate ship first, and then they put the flat screen, the giant screen afterwards. Because the Buccaneers won Super Bowl, I believe, the 2002 season. And I remember, vaguely remember them, they brought the flag up and they put it up on the ship, which was cool, you know what I mean? The Buccaneers, they're pirates or whatever. They got the ship or whatever, right? But now they got this giant flat screen, so the championship flag was blocking the TV screen. So now their super bowl flag is made out of mesh, and it's difficult to see. It's like, you won a Super bowl, should be a giant fucking flag. Move the ship or put the championship flag somewhere else. Maybe they have another one. I couldn't see it, but that struck me as funny, you know what I mean? And it also made me like Tampa Bay, where I'm just going, look at these. These fucking. They don't have a zillion dollars. They're just adding on to this thing. Like, somebody bought a house, then they got a little money, they put a fucking addition on it, you know, and somebody bought a boat. Then a recession happened, you know, Then he came back to the good times, he bought a big fucking tv. And then they got to adjust the sales, you know, it's white. You ever see, like, a degenerate gambler sitting there playing cards? You always see, like. Like signs of when they want. They'll have, like, a really shiny bracelet, you know, dirty hat, but, like 500 sunglasses. It's just like. It's up and down, up and down, up and down. Like the whole fucking wardrobe. Dirty jeans with, like, a. Wearing a mink. Anyway, so we went there, had a great time, was embarrassed by this one Patriots fan who just would not sit down. He was just fucking, you know, this guy with like, 140 pounds. And he never got the shit kicked out of him, clearly. And he just wouldn't sit down. And people arguing. Well, it's his right. If he wants to stand up, it's like. But this. You know, there's this. This guy, he brought his girlfriend. She's short. She can't see around him. There's nobody standing in front of him. And this Patriots friend was like, you know, threatening to punch him in his. Forgot. I'm gonna punch you right in your fucking ear. It was really like, Patriots fans arguing with Patriots fifth. It was fucking hilarious. And I saw that we even won the game. We came out of the stadium, and I saw there was a group of fucking Patriots fans and they were, like, arguing with each other. And I just heard. Vaguely heard this guy going, dude, why can't I wear a Teddy Bruski jersey? But if you can fucking wear. And then they just kind of walk by. But anyways, it was a. It was a great time, and we had a great show out there. And then the next day, all sober, Bill, 53 fucking days in, we rode up to the swamp and listened to Ozzy on the way up. Because on the way up there, you kind of go.

[Jake the Snake]

Not.

[Mike]

You get like, within, like 10 miles, I think, if you take the 75 north of where Randy Rhodes died. So we listened to some early Aussie, early solo Aussie, I should say, on the way up. And just had a great time. Pulled in, smoked a cigar, had a great time. Got to go to another SEC game. It was. It was a great time. Definitely a great time. So thank you to everybody who came out. I will definitely, definitely be back. I think the next time I come back, maybe I'll go back for Florida State. I've been to Miami, I've been to. I've been to the Gators. So the only thing left, really is Florida State. And then there's that one. Like, is it Central Florida? There's another one that always has a lot of NFL players. Is it Southern Florida? Something like that. I can't remember. Whatever, whatever. I'll figure it out. Oh, that Patriots fan wouldn't sit down. He had a Tom Brady jersey on and salmon shorts, and everyone's going, don't you sit down. Sit the down. First time somebody said sit down, he goes. Turns around, he goes, you asked me nicely. Little, little guy. And not like a stocky, not like a tai domi built little guy. This was just a slight man. And, I don't know, was taking sports way too seriously. I remember we got a first down, like a big first down at the end of the game, and he did like that. You know that. Remember that Jordan thing that he would do? We'd make a fist and he'd fucking bring his arm up, you know, when he sank the shot and it was over. He did that. You know, when. When the Patriots got a first down, he had lower jaws sticking out and shit. I don't know what the fuck. Just looking at him. Lunatic. And he just wouldn't sit down. And finally Bartnik got him to sit down. I can't tell you what he said. I can tell you what it started with. He said, hey, Giselle, sit the fuck down. And I can't say the rest because everybody you know, everybody, everybody gets all uptight now. But you know what? It was effective. He sat the fuck down and did not get up for the rest of the game. And when he did, he a few times he got up on big plays and everybody else got up and they sat down. Then he was finally a fucking gentleman about. Here's an interesting question Paul Verze asked me on the ride back. He goes, do you believe in destiny? And I told him no. He goes, no, I'm just asking, like, do you believe like, Michael Jordan was destined to be the greatest basketball? I was like, no, I don't. I don't. And he was saying that he did, but he believed that. It's just. Just you. You have your destiny and whatever your destiny is, like, that's what the your destiny is. And I just don't believe that. I don't. You know what I mean? I think you're born with the talent and if you work your ass off, you can make it happen. However how up the world is, there's a bunch of people that can take your destiny away from you. Like, you can fucking have. You know, your destiny is to be whatever you're gonna be, a doctor and fucking blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you go out one day, you drive down the street and you get hit and by a drunk driver and you die. So, like, that was your day. Your destiny was to get hit by a drunk driver? I don't. I don't think that. I don't think it is. I don't think it is. I think if the world was a perfect place, everybody would reach their potential. But, you know, I've said this before, like, the world doesn't give a shit about your dream. Whether it comes true or not, it fucking sucks. And even if you make all the right choices and all that shit, you know, some fucking lunatic can, you know, take it away from you. So. See, this is why I don't talk about that shit. All you cunts asking me about it, I don't want to fucking talk about it. The world is depressing enough as it is. All right, The All Things Comedy Fucking Festival podcast read. We're having our first All Things Comedy Festival at the end of the month, October 26th through the 29th, in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm gonna be there recording my first ever live Monday morning podcast. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, if I'm gonna dress the crowd, if I'm just gonna come walking out, if I'll. I don't know what I'm gonna fucking do Doug Stanhope, the great Doug Stanhope. The legendary Doug Stanhope, the, the national treasure that is. Doug Stanhope is doing his podcast at the Orpheum Theater. Bert Kreischer, Ari Shafir, Jen Kirkman and the Crab Feast are also on the lineup. Basically we're taking over downtown Phoenix with a pop up podcast studio and the whole network is going to be there. If you're in the Phoenix area, come hang out with us. Go to allthingscomedy.com to get your tickets. I can't wait to do this. Man, this is going to be fun as hell. It's really going to be fun as hell. I know this has been like a up podcast because I'm trying to talk around a lot of and it, you know, and yet another one of my friends died, co workers died. And it's just fucking, fucking sucks. It sucks. You know, Ralphie make the great Ralphie May unfortunately passed away this weekend and just legit, legit, legit fucking murderer. That guy just fucking killed.

[Bill Burr]

He killed.

[Mike]

The first time I saw him, I think it was, was it the late 90s when he came out? I believe it was the late 90s. He came out and there was already another comic there, bigger guy, Ron Lester, who also has since fucking passed away, unfortunately, which I didn't even realize. He died last year. So rest in peace to him. And you know those big guys had to deal with like clubs. They kind of had this thing where they just, you know, they had their big guy comic and so it was like weird. They almost were like in competition with each other. And then Ron ended up getting all this acting work and he just sort of stopped doing stand up. But Ralphie came in and just. Was just a, was a force to be dealt with and you know, that just sucks. Remember you always telling me he was going to teach me how to smoke meat or whatever like that, you know, because he was just going, you don't know how to do it, Bill. He's like, you're from fucking Massachusetts, I'm from Tennessee. I'm gonna show you how to do it, blah, blah. And of course we both got busy. We never got around to doing it. And I know he's got two little kids, so I imagine someone's putting together a benefit somewhere for it. So I imagine I'll be doing that. But yeah, it was just a fucking. Just a fucking sad, sad time. God damn it. I remember I did the, I did.

[Bill Burr]

The Traveling Virus tour with him.

[Mike]

I did a lot of gigs with that guy. Like, a lot of those sort of, you know, I don't know. He was much younger than me. Not much. I'm 49. He was 45. We came up roughly. He started younger than I did. That's what it was. Because he. We both kind of started at the same time, I want to say, so. He was always as seasoned as I was, so I always felt. I felt like we were the same age, even though I was older than he was. So as we went up, I just. A lot of comedy festivals, a lot of tours. The tours always got better. He was the guy. I told you this.

[Bill Burr]

He was.

[Mike]

Ralphie May was the fucking guy. I remember I did this gig, Chilkoot Charlie's, which is a great gig, but the fucking accommodations were. Was. The worst accommodations I ever had was up in Alaska. And I showed up and the bed literally was broken. And it looked like. It looked like the bedbugs, like, left. Like, they. They couldn't hack it. We're like this. And I remember the boards were busted, and the. The mattress was like. It had a giant crease in it. And. And I was, you know, raised Catholic or whatever, so rather than expressing that you didn't like it, you just. Just took it and just was like, all right, I gotta be tough. I gotta fucking. I told you. The first night I spent in fucking my walkthrough bedroom, my first night in New York City, I felt this thing on my chest, and I turned on the light and there was a roach crawling across my chest. And I flicked it off my fucking chest. I didn't even kill it. I just thought it was like, oh, this is what. I got it. I gotta, like. I gotta get myself tough enough to handle this. Like, I'm gonna live with bugs crawling over me. Yeah, I'm a fucking lunatic. I don't know what. So anyway, so I do the gig and I stay in that shithole. So I end up going down to the Laugh Factory like a week or ten days later, and I walk in. Ralphie was always hanging out, always did the work, you know. And I came down and he was just like, hey, Bill, what's up? I say, man. He goes, where are you coming from? That's what we always asked each other. There were certain guys, you know, that were just road dogs. Hedberg, Ralphie Stanhope, Geraldo. Like, these were. These were the guys. Every time I went to a fucking club, they either were just there or they were going to be there the next week. I just. When I was coming up, we were all kind of closing the same rooms. Like, Hedberg was a little bit ahead of me, as was Stanhope and those. But those. They were roughly my age, and those were guys that I really looked up to as far as, like, you know, they were just. They were like. They started a few years before me, so they were just sort of cutting this.

[Jake the Snake]

Path.

[Mike]

And they, in their style is like, I want to do that. I want to say what the fuck I want to say on State. I don't want to do what they're doing. I want to, you know, be who the I am. The way they are was basically it. So anyways, we used to always ask each other, where you coming from? Where you going? Or whatever, right? Whenever I ran to any of those guys. And so I run into Ralphie, and he goes, where you coming from? I was like, I did that gig up in Alaska. Chilcoo Charlie. He's like, oh, I did that gig. Great gig. I was like, yeah, great gig. And I was like, jesus Christ. I go, how about that comedy condo? And Ralphie got this serious look on his face. He goes. He goes, I didn't stay there. I go, what do you mean? He goes, man. He goes, I took one look at that place. He goes, I'm not staying there. And they got me a hotel room. And I just looked at him and I said, you can do that? And he laughed. He goes, yeah. He goes, what the fuck are they gonna do? He goes, it's Alaska. They're gonna get another fucking comedian to fly six hours all the way up there, have some lumberjack go on stage.

[Bill Burr]

And tell some street jokes.

[Mike]

It's like, just. Just say no. And that was one of those things I fucking learned that I was just like, all right. And after that, after that, if I went someplace, I just. And it was a shit all. I just said no. And if they just said, we're not paying for a hotel room, I said, you know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna pay for a fucking hotel room. And it was worth it to just be able to go back to a fucking place where you felt safe and you didn't feel like there was gonna be bugs crawling on you or somebody jizzed all over the fucking bar. God knows what fucked. Some chick on her period. Not even gonna tell you that fucking story. Every comedian knows that fucking one. That goddamn fucking crime scene cleaning lady quit. The big rumor was the blood stains were still on the fucking windowsill. Swear to God, this is all. This is all. This is not myths. So God damn it, Ralphie, I'm going to miss you, buddy. Fuck. Anyways, all right, let's get into some. Now that I've talked about another dead friend, let's talk about. That's about some advertising here. Let's go to the questions for the week. All right, Fuck you, America. I'm not reading that one. Are my mom and her boyfriend being selfish? Or am I, by the way, the person who wrote Fuck you, America? I'm not saying that you didn't make some decent points there, but it's a waste of time for you to write that for me to read it after you write that. All right, why don't you grow the fuck up and come up with a more mature title and I'll read that one. How about that? How about that? How about that? And then I'll wade into the topic of gun control as if I know a fucking thing about it or even have a solution. Are my mom and her boyfriend being selfish or am I? Dear Bill, I'm 19 and live at home working to get this carpenter's apprenticeship with a local union. And please don't say my name on the podcast. Well, why would you give me your name, you fucking moron? About two months ago, my mom's boyfriend started coming over and staying over to a point where he was practically living there. Gross. They would stay here in this place. They would stay here in his place exactly half the time. The first three days he was here, I heard their headboard day and night. I was like, who the fuck is this guy? Oh, my God. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. My mom said they had been friends for a year now, but only went on two dates. I asked her to have him not be here as much as and if she could just come home without him. I don't want him. I don't want to talk to my mom with this guy right fucking there. Nothing changed. Until one night I snapped and went on a rampage. My mom called the cops on me that night. And now the half the time they would they would have spent here is just my mom now. But here's the kicker. So that's good. You got him out of the house. But here's the kicker. Two weeks later, he proposed. Oh, boy. When my mom talked to me about it, she asked if I had a problem with her wearing the ring. Literally, the question was only about the ring, not the engagement. I feel totally disrespected by him and my mom for not seeing that this guy has no respect for her son. I've decided to join the Coast Guard because the union stuff is Taking too long. I would have just moved in with my dad if every day he didn't just bring out how much of a bitch my mom is.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ.

[Mike]

Dude, this is awful, man. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I was. Life sucks, and it can't. And I can't be around that. I'm ready to walk away and just drop my family entirely. My mom swears this guy's a super, super nice. But he doesn't give a fuck about her life as a mother and subsequently me. Or maybe I'm wrong. I just wanted to get another opinion because I'm ready to just cut off everyone in my family and walk away. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, it's your mom and your dad. You don't want to do that. You know, I can see why you want to get out of the house when you hear somebody banging your fucking mother. I mean, Jesus Christ. Hey, mom, how about doggy style? You know what I mean? You always got to be in the fucking missionary position. Something, for Christ's sake. Can you slide down the bed a little more? All right, well, until you move out, I would recommend getting some wireless headphones. Maybe those Bose ones that block out the fucking noise. I don't know what to tell you, dude. I wouldn't join the Coast Guard unless you wanted to. Well, the Coast Guard sounds. That sounds like a great job to me. Although I did talk about, you know, that time I went on that thing about, like, whenever a hurricane's coming or everybody's, you know, going to safety, like how everybody in the Coast Guard is just, like, they got to be on pins and needles because they know some dumb is going to take this stupid boat out there, and then when they fuck up and then they call to rescue them, these poor men and women gonna have to go out and go fish them out. All right, so what are you asking me here? I would not cut out your mother and your father. I would talk. I would communicate to your mother how you feel about that guy and how you don't feel that he respects you. Okay? And that's the reason you're leaving, I guess. And then I would talk to your dad, saying, you know, dad, I would love to stay with you, but all you do is bitch and say what a bitch my mother is, and she's my mom, and I'm sick of listening to it. All right? Just try to say it in a nicer fucking way, but I know doesn't sound like they're hearing you. Ah, fuck. But here's the thing, dude, if you're gonna be, you can't. You gotta clear the air with them because you can't go into the Coast Guard an angry fucking lunatic because what's gonna happen is you're gonna get into a fight or something because you're pissed off at that fucking douche who's banging your mom, and then that's going to affect your career. So this is something that I've been working on. This is fucking brutal, forgiving people like that guy. You got it somewhere in your head and just forgive the guy for being a fucking moron. And so you get that off of you. And, you know, when you forgive somebody, it does, it does a lot for you. It gets it off of you. And then what you should be focusing on is trying to figure out what your dream is and start walking towards it every day and, and creating a life that isn't like what you grew up with. So your kid someday doesn't have to fucking deal with what you dealt with. And, you know, and that doesn't happen overnight. And the mistakes I made was I went out thinking, all right, I want to, I want to change all this about what I didn't like about growing up. But then what happens is you, you gravitate towards what's familiar, and you end up, I think he kind of go out and recreate it inevitably, and then you have to dismantle that and start over again. At least that's what happened to me. I'm superimposed on whatever the fuck happened to me. But I wouldn't come at your mother or you or your dad with anger. I would just say, listen, I, I, I forgive you. I forgive. I'm not happy with this. I forgive you. I understand. You got to try to do what's right for you. But this bothered me because X, Y, and Z, and just say, tell your dad. Said, dad, you know, so I gotta forgive you for something, and that'll get his attention. I forgive you for every time that I came over here and you went on and on about and what a fucking bitch my mother was. All right? That did a lot of damage. And it did so much damage that I have to sit here and try to figure out how to forgive you for that. And then just stop talking and listen to what he says, okay? If he's any sort of a man, his head's gonna drop and he's gonna apologize to you and you can, you know, and I'm not saying then all the anger you're gonna have towards him goes away, right? Then it. You start that. And if you guys work on starting over from that point and really fucking work on it and really fucking communicate, hopefully you can go out into the world and not be an angry young man like I was, because I hurt a lot of people. All right, There you go. All right. Problem with girlfriend. Dear Billiam, I have a big problem with my girlfriend. With my lady.

[Paul Versey]

Lady in red.

[Mike]

She's coming to me. I have a big problem with my girlfriend. If we've been dating. Well, we've been dating for the past three years, and I think I might want to marry her. But for the last month or so, we've been having a fight. My sister and I are very close. And since my parents died last year in a car crash, we moved in together, which for some reason pissed her off. I don't know why. Well, I mean, where were you living before this? She probably, after three years, wanted you to move in with her. Probably wants a goddamn ring then for some reason, the fact that my sister and my best friend still smoke pot and that they are doing. Then for some reason, the fact that my sister and my best friend still smoke pot and that they are dating as well. Oh, she doesn't like that either. I would admit it was weird for me at first, but I got used to it anyway. The fight was about the fact that she wants to move in. That she wants me to move in with her. Yeah, obviously. But I don't want to. And she refuses to move in with me as long as my sister is there. I do love her and all that stuff, but this is something that I just can't do. My sister is in a very fragile place right now, and my girlfriend can't get that or won't. I don't know what to do. If possible, can you ask Nia? I feel like women would understand better. Well, she's downstairs dealing with my daughter. Here's the deal with women. They work on a different clock than we do, all right? So you just took three years of her life, all right? And all she's hearing is, you know that story, the telltale heart under the floorboards? That's their fucking womb, all right? They have a finite amount of time where they can have kids, all right, before you have to start doing some Buck Rogers shit, okay? And women do not want to go through that if they don't have to, all right? So what she needs out of you is some sort of fucking commitment, all right? And she was looking for that after three years, the fact that all she wanted to do was move in. She's being pretty cool. She should probably be going for the fucking ring. Depending on how old you are and what I would do with if I was you, dude, I would man the fuck up and either commit with to her or I break up with her.

[Bill Burr]

One or the other.

[Mike]

Although the wild card is, is that your parents died last year in a car crash, so you're probably not in a place emotionally to make that fucking decision. Jesus Christ. You know what? Fuck everything that I just said. Your parents died in a fucking car crash last year. You got to look out for your family members. And if she can't fucking understand that, then I don't know what to tell you. I guess you got to figure out how you're going to find out how much you love her. You know, if. If you got to let her go, maybe you got to let her go. I don't know. I have no idea. But I understand her side. I've invested three years in this. And you moved in with another woman. And it's your sister. That seems like a step backwards to her. And then she has to move in. She wanted to fucking listen. This chick wants to marry you, so she wanted to move in and then have you guys have a bunch of communal stuff because women think that if you do that, that you're not going to. There's a less of a chance that you're going to break up with them. They feel like it's moving in a positive direction. And you went left, you took a left hand turn, but life gave you a fucking left hand turn. So you're both not wrong.

[Bill Burr]

Why don't you try that?

[Mike]

Just say to her, look, you're not wrong for being mad at me. And I'm also not wrong for taking care of my sister and then just stare at her. And whoever talks first loses something along those lines. You're not wrong. And she's not wrong.

[Bill Burr]

She's not wrong after three years to.

[Mike]

Be like, what the fuck? And you're not wrong for looking out for your sister when something like tragic like that. This is fucking nothing but tragedy nowadays. Jesus Christ. Sorry. That happens. For you, sir. To you, sir. All right. Geographically locked by marriage. Jesus, there's just. There's just no ray of light here. Hi, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Love your work.

[Mike]

Thank you for the laughter. Hey, something positive. I've been in a relationship since 2011 with a European woman. That became a marriage. I'm originally from South America, educated in the US, went to fancy school there, MIT. Look at you, you smart bastard. Then got my PhD in Europe. Whoa, Lottie. Duh. Spreading your brain all around the fucking world here. We've been a solid couple. Our glue was out of love from mountaineering. Mountain climbing? Is that what that is?

[Bill Burr]

Mountaineering?

[Mike]

I don't know what the that is. Is that some weird sex or does that mean you. It's not rock climbing. Mountaineering. You just walk up a mountain yodeling and outdoor sports. The is mountaineering. Jeep had a Wagoneer. I remember that. I remember a mountaineer. Mountaineering. Wikipedia, you always have the answers. The term mountaineering describes the port, the sport of mountain climbing. Oh, so rock climbing is what people do at gyms now. And mountaineering is if you actually go up a mountain. Okay, I get it. While some scholars identify mountaineering related activity as climbing, parentheses, rock and ice, and trekking up mountains, others are also adding backpacking, hiking, skiing. Oh, Jesus Christ. I already see these groups. We're mountaineering too. We just take a ski lift. All right. Mountaineering. All right.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ, dude.

[Mike]

What are you, James Bond? Born in Africa, went to MIT, got your PhD in Europe. You client, you climb mountains, other outdoor sports. How do you top mountaineerings? Huh? What do you do? I'm trying to think how you topped it as far as outdoor sports. But now things are. What else do you do? You grab cobras by the fucking tail and kiss them on the back of the head. By now things are a bit sour. What happened? We'd always been a solid couple. Our glue was out, our love for mountaineering and outdoor sports. But now things are a bit sour. I don't see how I can have a career here in this continent. And she's a working class lady who would suffer a lot from moving. I also have a good business possibility in my home country, Brazil. Oh, South America. I thought you said Africa. South America. Okay, so you simply can't let that go. I developed somewhat, somewhat of a scorn for the paperwork required to simply exist in Europe and would rather be on my own, live up to my own country, make my money, and have the freedom to explore my vast underdeveloped continent. But she wouldn't be able to come along. Also for my high tech education. Most good jobs are in the great US of A. But I'm also burnt out with visas and permits and red flags. I don't think I have the strength to beg for a high tech job that will pay me less than my business in Brazil. Other than that, we get along fine. She's a solid partner, but not the type who would survive the third World. I think it's a no brainer, but I'm lost homebound and would love your thoughts. Thank you, Jesus. I mean, dude, that's a huge. You're gonna, you're gonna ask a comedian who doesn't know you to make that decision. I think at the end of the day, whenever it comes down to stuff like this, you have to make decisions that are going to make you happy. All right? If you don't, you're not going to be happy and then you're going to make the person you're with miserable. However, if there's kids involved, then, you know, you got a man up and suffer. It doesn't sound like you got any kids. All right? If you're married to this woman and you don't have any kids, then you know, if you're going to start getting resentful and you're just going to argue and argue and argue and argue. All you guys are going to do is take great years, young, healthy years of your life. We should be having a good time and you're gonna just make each other miserable. All right? So either you figure out how to, to stay with her or she comes along with you or you go your separate ways. But if you need to, you know, because guys, we're not good sometimes expressing ourselves. Maybe if you sit down before you talk to her, you write down what would make you happy. You write down the points you want to make. I used to do this so I could. I still haven't mastered this, but so I could figure out how to have a productive confrontation. And I would list all the points that I wanted to make. I would list what I wanted and then I would draw a big stupid smiley face reminding me not to be an angry cunt. So I don't know if that helps you. I hope it did. So anyways, as if there weren't enough tragedies this month, my fucking, my fucking. I don't know what happened. They didn't record the F1 race today, so I missed that Japan one. I did see the clip where for whatever reason Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel were like in some meeting in front of all the other drivers, like telling on each other, you know, he took his steering wheel off. The other guy's like, oh, he took his seatbelt off.

[Paul Versey]

It was loose.

[Mike]

That just made me. I just, I just, I swear to God, man, I. It's like F1. Is that like the soccer of motorsports? I can't believe what kind of a fucking. I don't understand people who they, they have the balls to drive 200 miles an hour on each other's fucking bumpers, staring death in the face. And then they go in there and they fucking telling on each other. I just. That was really disappointing to see. I still love the sport. It's such a great fucking sport. But I don't know, you know what it is. Maybe that's just. Maybe that's just. It's too much access. I don't need to see that shit. You know what I mean? I don't need to see that fucking. I don't need to know all the fucking ins and outs. The Rosie, the riveters, this guy fucking complaining about this or that. But anyways, congratulations to Lewis Hamilton. Despite the fact you're telling on people in meetings shamelessly. Maybe that's like a fucking European thing. Like they just have different fucking rules over there. You know what I mean? You can walk around in a banana hammock, Speedo, and that's just totally acceptable. Telling on people. I mean, that was just. That was embarrassing. I don't know. I don't know. Why did I bring up how much I love boozing now? I'm just thinking about getting one of those custom mattresses. Remember that thing where they used to have the lady jumping up and down on the mattress and the guy would have the glass of red wine and it wouldn't spill?

[Bill Burr]

That's what I need.

[Mike]

Anyways, I start. I got some acting work coming up here over the next, I don't know, four or five weeks. So I got at least another 20 days on this whole not boozing thing. And I'm actually really enjoying it. I've dropped some weight and shit. I. I do enjoy not drinking, but I will tell you this. It's just nighttime right now and it's fucking difficult. Oh, look who's here. Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out I won't back down, you know, that was one of the great things I've ever seen at a sporting event. Can you please say that again? Do your impression of me again. One of the great things I've ever.

[Nia]

Seen in a sporting event.

[Mike]

The lovely Nia, everybody.

[Nia]

Okay, dad. How you doing?

[Bill Burr]

I'm doing good. How you doing?

[Nia]

I'm great. Baby's asleep. Oh, God. What's going on? It's been a while.

[Mike]

Yeah, I got her all amped up today, didn't I?

[Nia]

Yes, you did. She had one nap for 30 minutes all day. That's ridiculous.

[Mike]

We were excited to see each other.

[Nia]

Yeah, she was excited to see you. It Was cute. You guys are cute.

[Mike]

It's ridiculous. I love that kid. Obviously.

[Nia]

Oh, what do we got here?

[Mike]

Oh, I already read this one. Boo. This guy wanted. All right, I'll just paraphrase these two things. All right.

[Nia]

Oh, you already did them. You don't have to go back.

[Mike]

Well, there was one guy, right? His mom. He's, like, 19. He lives at home, and his mom has a new boyfriend. And he could literally hear the headboard getting fucking. Yeah, terrible. Terrible. Right?

[Nia]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then if he go, he goes stay with his dad. But his dad is always talking about what a bitch is, you know, the divorce.

[Nia]

Oh, that's brutal.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So now he's thinking of just, like, joining the fucking Coast Guard.

[Nia]

Just so he.

[Mike]

No.

[Nia]

Well, I mean, if you want to, but that seems like an awful extreme.

[Mike]

Would she get a job at, like, Child World maybe?

[Nia]

Yeah, definitely. Try to find his own place.

[Mike]

Try to stay on land and work it out?

[Nia]

Yeah, I think so. I don't think that you'd have to join. Nothing. There's anything wrong with the Coast Guard.

[Mike]

I think the Coast Guard. It's got to be raining pussy.

[Jake the Snake]

It's gotta be.

[Mike]

How you kidding? You walk around a uniform.

[Nia]

You're on a boat like a bunch of other dudes.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Dave Elitch]

Then you.

[Mike]

But you're not. Like, you're not out to sea anytime.

[Nia]

Oh, does it. Does it not count if you're on a boat?

[Mike]

What do you mean? Does what not count? I don't know what you're saying.

[Nia]

I mean, you know. Oh, right. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking of the Navy. The Coast Guard is not the same as the Navy.

[Mike]

No, it isn't. What do you.

[Paul Versey]

What do you.

[Mike]

When you said. When you said it doesn't count, what do you mean?

[Bill Burr]

What doesn't count?

[Nia]

Like, you know, like, when guys go to jail and stuff. Like, it doesn't count. Like, you're not, like, necessarily.

[Mike]

Are you talking about guys banging other guys? How did you get that?

[Paul Versey]

I don't know.

[Mike]

And what does it mean? It doesn't count.

[Nia]

It doesn't count if you're out to.

[Mike]

See whoever said where. Did you ever hear that?

[Nia]

I feel like.

[Mike]

Do you ever bang a guy?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, it didn't count.

[Mike]

I was out on a lake.

[Nia]

No, I feel like for sexually flexible men or whatever, like, if you're in an extreme situation, like jail or out to sea.

[Mike]

What in God's name are you talking about?

[Nia]

Like, it doesn't necessarily.

[Mike]

These people, they go out, somebody tips.

[Bill Burr]

Over in an inner tube, there's a drug dealer coming up.

[Mike]

They go out and they fuck them up, and then they come back. Yeah, they go on a patrol. But this isn't like.

[Nia]

Yeah, no, no, no. I got confused. Abuse. I was. I was thinking that it was like the Navy.

[Mike]

Where are you?

[Nia]

Like, out on a boat, like, for months.

[Mike]

Yeah, but the Navy, they're not out there each other. They come into port and then they bang a bunch of.

[Nia]

Why was there song in the Navy? You can help your fellow man.

[Mike]

That was the Village People. All right. Do you think Native Americans are gay? Because that one guy with the headdress was going, macho, macho man.

[Nia]

But they were singing about, like, guy stuff. Like places where there's groups of men together.

[Mike]

Listen, I've been to the ymca. I never fucked another guy. I went there and I used their.

[Bill Burr]

Unbelievably old workout equipment. I played some pickup hoop.

[Mike]

I didn't see any gay sex happening there.

[Nia]

All right, well, fine. Obviously, the Coast Guard is not the same as the Navy, but I was just saying that if it was, it would be fine, because it doesn't count because you're out to sea and, like, you're just not around your normal element.

[Paul Versey]

And it's like, are you, like, high right now?

[Nia]

I swear to God, I'm not high. I know I sound really high right now, but I'm not. But, like, you can.

[Mike]

She's getting over being sick, by the way. This isn't like some smoker thing with her.

[Nia]

Yeah, because they're going to be like, oh, she's got a smoker's cough. No, I just. I don't know. My point is. I don't know what my point was, but I was saying, you know, my.

[Mike]

Thing is in the Navy.

[Nia]

No, I feel like, oh, he's joining the Coast Guard.

[Mike]

He's joining the Coast Guard. I figured that's. That's like a. Like if you meet someone in a bar, I would think, as a woman, the guy said, he's in the Coast Guard. That's like being like, you know, women like firemen. It's like you're a fireman, except you're fucking on a boat. Yeah.

[Nia]

No, that's hot.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And you like going, there you go.

[Nia]

Would you say it's hot?

[Mike]

That's what I was talking about, you know, to go talk about jail sex. I don't know where the fuck that came from. Isn't it enough this kid has to.

[Bill Burr]

Think of hear his mother getting banged.

[Mike]

Up against the fucking headboard? You got to bring up fucking Prison sex.

[Nia]

Sorry.

[Mike]

You know, this podcast has taken a lot of left turns throughout the years. That was one of the bigger ones.

[Nia]

All right, well, you don't have to join the Coast Guard just to get away from your. But maybe you do. I don't know. What does the Coast Guard do? They're like the cops of the water, right? Okay.

[Mike]

This is who I married, everybody. This is when you thought she was the brains of the outfit. We have a child that we're gonna raise. What is the Coast Guard?

[Paul Versey]

Oh, wait, that's right.

[Mike]

Aren't they like the cops of the water? Hey, do they get upset when there's like a tornado and a tornado. Look how dumb I am. A fucking hurricane.

[Paul Versey]

Hey, settle down, water.

[Bill Burr]

That'll be enough of that.

[Mike]

No, they actually do a lot of badass shit, but people, they save people's lives. They fly out there and fight all these fucking dopes.

[Nia]

But they are the cops of the water. I mean, they would be insulting to hear me say that.

[Mike]

A nicer way to say is they guard the shores of this great country.

[Nia]

Oh, can they? Oh, that's nice. Can they arrest.

[Paul Versey]

Oh, good.

[Bill Burr]

So like that guy from Christian Mail.

[Mike]

Yeah. Oh, good for you. Do.

[Nia]

Can they arrest you? The Coast Guard?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

I would love to see you with a giant shipment of drugs when they pulled up.

[Mike]

Who are you guys? Do you guys, like have sex with each other?

[Paul Versey]

Oh, you're the Coast Guard. Oh, wait, you're like the cops of the water. Wait, can you arrest me?

[Mike]

I would pay a fucking all the.

[Bill Burr]

Money in the world just to see.

[Mike]

The look on their fucking face.

[Nia]

I know. I'm insulting so many Coast Guard members. Officers.

[Paul Versey]

Wow.

[Nia]

Officers.

[Mike]

No, there's all different ranks. I imagine there's. There's seamen. Keep your mind out of the gutter.

[Bill Burr]

All the way up to officers as captains.

[Nia]

Uh huh.

[Mike]

Uh huh.

[Bill Burr]

You want me? Hey, why don't we do this?

[Mike]

You know, Nia, when I don't know stuff, I just ask the Internet and whoever made a page on it. Then I just go, oh, that's what it is. That's what it is. Okay, the Coast Guard. Let's get it, let's get it. I gotta go wiki on this so they'll actually help me out here. All right. Okay. The United States Coast Guard is a service chief and highest ranking member. Oh. This is the commandant of the United States Coast Guard. Sorry, your phone is vibrating over. The United States Coast Guard is a branch of the United States armed forces in one of the countries, the army. Nia.

[Paul Versey]

You.

[Mike]

You you, you can't save everything by.

[Bill Burr]

Saying of the water.

[Mike]

Nia, you've been watching the Kardashian show way too fucking much here.

[Paul Versey]

All right?

[Nia]

That's supposed to mean.

[Mike]

Jesus. All right, one second. The Coast Guard is a maritime military, multi mission service unique among the US Military branches for having maritime law enforcement. Can they arrest people with jurisdiction in both domestic and international waters? Now there's a big one. I didn't know international. So you can't like outrun these fuckers and then just sit there and make faces at them the second you get out in international waters.

[Bill Burr]

I didn't know that.

[Mike]

And a federal regular. I thought once you went out in international waters, it was Captain's. Captain's law, Right. Captain's log and a federal regulation. Admission is part of the mission, its mission set. It operates under the U.S. department of Homeland Security during peacetime and can be Transferred to the U.S. department of the Navy.

[Nia]

So. All right, I'm gonna stop.

[Mike]

No, you're right. So I didn't realize that they were then activated. I thought they were like the sort of the farm team, like AAA of the Navy.

[Nia]

Of the water.

[Mike]

Of the water, yes. You know, there's a lot of people.

[Bill Burr]

Laughing at us right now, and they didn't know that they could be activated to the Navy.

[Nia]

All right, my point is, I was.

[Mike]

Just saying this has happened twice that.

[Bill Burr]

They made part of the Navy, once.

[Mike]

In 1917 during World War I and another time during World War II. 2. And that's obviously, you know, Pearl harbor happened and then German U boats and I don't know what the fuck happened in World War I.

[Nia]

Okay.

[Mike]

Were there wooden ships off our coast right now? There weren't wooden ships at that point.

[Nia]

Okay.

[Mike]

Although the fucking biplanes were made out of like Kleenex, I think.

[Dave Elitch]

All right.

[Mike]

I think that we've showed how dumb we are. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. If you'd like to see this live, if you'd actually like to see this train wreck live once again, All Things Comedy Festival Podcast all things. Oh, what is this? All Things Comedy Festival. We are having this on October 20th, 26th through the 29th in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm going to be at Stand up live on October 28th doing this podcast live, live, live.

[Bill Burr]

And there's been a lot of people.

[Mike]

Requesting that you're there.

[Paul Versey]

Really?

[Mike]

But we got the kiddo, so I don't know if that happens.

[Nia]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about that. Where is it?

[Mike]

It's in Arizona. You Want to fly to Arizona to do a podcast for free?

[Paul Versey]

I don't know.

[Mike]

Hey, how funny was it the other day?

[Nia]

I swear I'm not.

[Mike]

The other day, when you were getting sad and you were starting to cry, and I just kept making that sad face, which would then make you laugh, and then you couldn't cry. I hate when Nia cries because I don't know what to do. I told you that story. Big tears. Big tears. Right? So she was talking. I didn't know what the fuck she was talking. Something about our kid.

[Nia]

You don't even. Yeah. You don't even know what it is that I'm talking about. Like, you don't even care. You're just like, make it stop. Don't do that.

[Mike]

Yeah, all I did was. She just started tearing up.

[Bill Burr]

She's like, you know, want to talk to you about something.

[Mike]

I'm just worried that in the future.

[Bill Burr]

She started doing that. And when she did that, I just made this. I just looked at.

[Mike]

I made a little sad face, and then she looked up and saw me.

[Bill Burr]

Then you.

[Mike]

You started fucking laughing.

[Bill Burr]

What was funny is you had tears in your eyes, but you were laughing.

[Mike]

And then she. She kept trying to go back to crying again. No, listen to me.

[Bill Burr]

I'm just trying to stay.

[Mike]

And then I would make the sad face again. Guys, you gotta do that to your woman next time she gets. No, look, if it's something fucking serious.

[Dave Elitch]

It was something.

[Mike]

It was. Oh, you. You know it wasn't.

[Nia]

Yes, it was.

[Mike]

It was silly.

[Nia]

It was. It was serious.

[Mike]

I thought it was trivial.

[Nia]

Yeah, exactly. See, not everyone is gonna be as you know.

[Mike]

I thought it was trivial because it was coming out of your dumb head.

[Nia]

Exactly. Exactly. You don't even know what it was I was concerned about.

[Mike]

You were concerned about the cops of the water. You're laughing like you baked.

[Nia]

Wait a second. So does the Coast Guard.

[Mike]

That's it. The ship is sailed. No pun intended. It's over.

[Nia]

Well, maybe. Huba. All right, fine. No, don't, don't. Don't give someone the pouty face when they're coming to you crying about an emotional issue that they're feeling. That's a terrible thing.

[Mike]

All right, then tell me what you were concerned about.

[Dave Elitch]

Up.

[Mike]

I'll be immature now. Go ahead. What were you concerned about?

[Nia]

It was about YouTube.

[Mike]

It's a good move because it keeps you happy. All right, that's the podcast. That's the podcast. I know. We have the creepy surveillance.

[Nia]

The monitor. She's so peaceful.

[Mike]

Looks like you shot her with, like, a dart or something. Just face down. She's out. Take some Discovery Channel when you want to tag an animal. All right, that's the podcast for this Monday. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Thank you to everybody. Came out to the shows this week in this weekend in St. Petersburg and had a great time once again out there. Cigar capital of the US Nene was fucking tremendous. It was tremendous. All right, I'll see you guys.

[Jake the Snake]

What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast NFL edition. Going into week number six with your host, me, Paul Versey, Bill Burr. We got themless. We have Jake the Snake on injury reports. Guys, I'm gonna get right into it, dude, okay? Out of five weeks of football, I've gone three of the five weeks. I've gone 04, 03 and 1. And guess what, Owen, four again. To say I'm say. To say I'm really.

[Mike]

Dude.

[Jake the Snake]

To say I'm reeling is an understatement. I cannot pick a winner to save my life, dude. These games, I feel like I have them in the bag. And then two minutes left, you go look at the score, and it's a game again.

[Paul Versey]

There has to be a lot of people. This is a. I mean, I bet you could always have the other team, like, you know, a couple weeks ago, having the Colts vs. The Rams figure that game out. And then last week, I had the Eagles, Broncos. I'm watching it through three quarters. I'm watching the ticker, and I'm like, all right, dude. Yeah, Eagles came to play. It's just like I said, the Broncos aren't as real as everybody's saying. Then it's like, wait a minute. It has been an exciting year, Paul. Oh, it's been exciting.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, I got to tell you what.

[Paul Versey]

You'Re fighting for one reason here. Oh, the Patriots had it going last week.

[Jake the Snake]

I was going to say your Patriots looked good. They didn't look like they looked contending good.

[Paul Versey]

I got to be honest with you, dude. I think I said on this podcast, I said, I got a good feeling that Mike Brave Old is going to have this team by the end of October, be the 500 team that nobody wants to play. But I mean, like, how they look. It was one week. That's the best that they've looked at. If we can just take care of the. Paul, we could just take care of the football. We fumble a lot, Paul. I'm not gonna lie to you. We put it on the turf, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

You're running Back catches passes out of the backfield. He runs good. Dude, Drake May. How about that kid having poise, confidence.

[Paul Versey]

Well, and also what I love is him extending the play, coming out of the pocket or whatever. And what's his face needs to. If he could just act like he's playing Buffalo every goddamn week. The how amped up he was. Why am I, why am I thinking Shannon Briggs. I'm in boxing right now. Who are you talking about? The guy who played for the. Signed with the Minnesota, then he played with the Bills, then he played with the Texans. Now he's with us.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, Stefan Diggs.

[Paul Versey]

Stefan Diggs. Not Shannon Briggs. Paul stuff?

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Dude, that guy was a man possessed. Caught the first pass of the game. He's walking, crawling like a dog, looking down at the end zone. Dude, he was on fire.

[Jake the Snake]

No, he wanted that game. He wanted that game bad. And the post wanted that game.

[Paul Versey]

Dude, he had like, he had like 10 catches for like 150 yards. He totally showed up. Our D showed up.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, in the post game. In the post game. I've never seen a player almost get emotional on basic questions. They were like, Stefan, did you feel like this is a game you really wanted against your old team? And his like voice was cracking. He's like, well, they kind of, when.

[Paul Versey]

He left town, they kind of, they kind of said like, yeah, we don't miss him. Yeah, in a roundabout way.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

So he came back. Dude, dude, Drake May.

[Jake the Snake]

Drake May. Making passes though that last drive, the kid was throwing dimes, man.

[Paul Versey]

Although I think, yeah, I think Vrabel is obviously the guy. And speaking, I don't want to, you.

[Mike]

Know, I'm speaking for me, but I.

[Paul Versey]

Think I speak for Patriot Nation. This is the most excited we've been since 2018, which was Brady's second to last year. The 2019 was the hardest thing that was like, you know, he had nobody to throw to. And then, you know, free agency went.

[Bill Burr]

To Tampa Bay and that was it.

[Mike]

So this was like the, the.

[Paul Versey]

I don't know, it's the most. It's the best looking team that's reminded. It reminded me of like, that's how we used to win in the early 2000s, when they said we were a boring team with no stars or whatever. That kind of football and brable was.

[Mike]

A part of that.

[Paul Versey]

And it's, you know, who knows, we might shit the bed this week, I don't know, because that's still where we are. I'm not going to say, you know, one week is who these guys are. But like to finally like have a win like that, dude, I'm like, I'm giddy, dude. Billy giddy over here. Giddy.

[Jake the Snake]

Bill, they looked like they could beat anybody that night.

[Paul Versey]

And that's when I wouldn't say that. Like they would, they would. I mean, dude, they beat, they beat.

[Jake the Snake]

The super bowl favorites.

[Paul Versey]

They say that every year about the Bills. You know, the Chiefs are going to figure it out. Even though they lost again last week.

[Jake the Snake]

That was another one. Oh, that one hurt me too because I had them. I had them.

[Paul Versey]

I got a conspiracy.

[Bill Burr]

I don't, I don't, I don't want to do that.

[Mike]

But I, I do have conspiracies about certain things.

[Paul Versey]

Like, like this, this whole field go kicking thing now where anybody is lethal from 50 yards. Like how much did the human being evolve in the last three football seasons that a human being kicking a ball 50 yards is just like kicking it like a 32 yarder now? It's.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

I don't know. Dude, baseball. They've juiced up the balls. Offense sells the game. Where's the next place we could go? Dude, there was literally like 20 something seconds left in a game and the announcers are like plenty of time left. Yeah. So because, yeah, they're going to give him like a 30 yard cushion. And I also like now the kickers, they won't kick it into the end zone because the ball comes out to like the 30 of the 35. So if you notice they do that, they do like this little pooch kick, make the person return it and then you try to tackle them before that. So you know, they run it out to like the 30 yard line and then they get like 20 yards in the next play and they're at the 50 and they've taken like five seconds off the clock and they're like they need another eight yards.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. And, and I don't like that they use a special ball to kick. They should use the game.

[Paul Versey]

They said that.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Well, there you go, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. There's a, there's another ball that comes. Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Is there, is there, there's another ball, Paul. I want to kick that ball. I bet I can hit a 30 yada now. Oh, Billy. Extra point. Get me out there. That would be hilarious if we could somehow get our hands on one of those field goal kicking balls. Hey, I have an idea. Baseball. I was watching the, the Tigers. Oh my God, they were down three nothing. And then their bats came alive. There was this bang, bang pickoff play by a right handed pitcher too back to the thing. Nailed this guy. Dude, it was so close. And this umpire got it right. They went to review. And if I was an umpire in Major League Baseball, I would have a fun bet. It's a pool. Everybody throws in 100 bucks or whatever. At the end of the year, the umpire that has the most, like, went to review and they got it right. Wins, like, a golden camcorder trophy or some shit like that. Yeah, because this guy. Dude, this dude was a stud. He was just like, nah, man, you were out. You were out. And they 100% got it right.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I forgot I had the other one.

[Paul Versey]

I forget what the other one was.

[Bill Burr]

I had a couple of, like, I don't know, stupid baseball awards. Sorry, Paul.

[Paul Versey]

That started off good, and then it just. It just ran. It ran into the weeds.

[Jake the Snake]

Nah, nah, it's all good, man.

[Paul Versey]

It isn't all good. It fell on its face, and it.

[Bill Burr]

Needs to be addressed.

[Paul Versey]

I have no one to blame but myself. I didn't get it done. Sorry.

[Jake the Snake]

You started out with the. You started out with confidence. You came out, you're like, oh, dude, this guy.

[Paul Versey]

No. Because halfway through, I was like, wait, I had another one. And I couldn't. I couldn't rem.

[Jake the Snake]

Remember what it was. They do get graded, though, right? The officials? They get graded. Those are the guys that go to.

[Paul Versey]

The playoffs, and those are the guys, the umpires.

[Jake the Snake]

What did I call them?

[Paul Versey]

The officials.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, okay.

[Paul Versey]

Well, they all talking baseball or football.

[Jake the Snake]

I think all of them get graded in all the sports. And then those are the guys that go to either the World Series, Super Bowl.

[Paul Versey]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

You know, there was one guy, Angel Hernandez. I don't know if you remember him.

[Paul Versey]

This entire, like, Instagram page is dedicated to that guy.

[Jake the Snake]

Angel Hernandez was the MLB guy that everybody just hated because he would. His mood would dictate the strike zone. And he never was in the big one. He was never in. That I could remember. Let's bring in Jake.

[Paul Versey]

What do you think about guy. I feel like guys that just, like, want confrontation, like, it has nothing to do. That's like some childhood.

[Jake the Snake]

He always did.

[Bill Burr]

He always did.

[Jake the Snake]

He would do a call bad and then look right at the ump or look right at the player and, like, want them to run out at him. He was that guy. Oh, yeah, he was that guy.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

He would be like, that sounds. That sounds like he had an angry father.

[Nia]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

It all goes. Goes back to let's bring in. It's funny, like, digging in, you know, calling time.

[Jake the Snake]

Like, digging in.

[Paul Versey]

Just Angelman listen, I don't know what happened to you before this game, but it's not your fault, all right? And then all of a sudden, the strike zone expands.

[Jake the Snake]

Angel, dude, you. Nobody understands you, dude. Nobody understands you, dude. Have a good game, dude. Yeah, whatever it is, dude.

[Paul Versey]

Angel. I got a good feeling. You and I had the same kind of father. The catcher's like, oh, what the.

[Jake the Snake]

Let's bring in Jake the Snake here. Jake the Snake, come in here. Give us. Give us something, dude. I need something from you. Is Lamar Jackson playing? I mean, what's going on with the injury report, Jake? Yeah, not.

[Jake]

Not a lot of good news there. Lamar's probably gonna be out again against the Rams, so. I mean, the Ravens could be looking at one in five going into their bye week, so who knows what their future is going to look like. There was a trade that happened the other day. I don't know if you guys saw, but Joe Flacco was traded to the Bengals, and he's expected to start for them on Sunday versus the Packers.

[Mike]

So.

[Paul Versey]

I love Joe Flacco.

[Jake]

Yeah, he's. He's great. But that O line, I mean, how.

[Jake the Snake]

Old, Andrew, how old is Joe flacco? Is he 41? I mean, Joe Flacco has been in the league forever.

[Paul Versey]

He's got 41 years of knowledge in that noggin.

[Jake the Snake]

They just show him on a commercial flight, like, just standing in, like, line in economy, going to Cincinnati. Good for him.

[Paul Versey]

They flew him.

[Jake the Snake]

Coach, I, I. He's 40, okay? He's 40, which means he got in the league at, like, 22 or 21. So he's. He's almost been in the NFL for 20 seasons. Dude, I was in my mid-20s when Joe Flacco was a rookie on the Ravens.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, he won the Super Bowl. Like, what was that, 12 years ago?

[Jake the Snake]

He won the Super Bowl.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, against the 49ers.

[Jake]

It's like. Yeah, it's like 2012, I think.

[Paul Versey]

But, yeah, I'm flying, dude.

[Mike]

It's flying.

[Paul Versey]

Well, I'm happy for him, and I hope. Well, dude, like I said, you know, these past few weeks, I'm gonna keep saying how wrong I was about Daniel Jones, but, like, really is. You know, the offensive line is so much. You know, if you're gonna be a Hall of Fame quarterback or somebody, people yell at. At a Hooters that you were a bust.

[Bill Burr]

So much of that has to do.

[Paul Versey]

With what's in front of you, which I guess is really obvious now that.

[Bill Burr]

I just said that not having a good week here.

[Dave Elitch]

Paul.

[Paul Versey]

All right, all right, guys.

[Jake the Snake]

I got the first pick of the week. Before we get into the picks, we got to shout out our sponsor. It's the great BetMGM sponsor, guys. They're the best sports book out there. All you guys have to do is download the BetMGM app to your phone and put a minimum of $10 into your account and make your first wager. If your first wager loses, you will get $1500 back in bonus bets. Okay? Bet responsibly. Have fun. It's a great deal. They also have. And use our code. Our code is Burr B U R R. Use the code and you can have fun with the. With the bonus bets. Also, first touchdown prop we have, it is you pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown of that game. If they get it, you win. If they don't, but get the second touchdown, you'll win your cash back. So you kind of. You kind of have a. You know, you kind of have a second chance there. Make sure you read the fine print. Bet responsibly. Have a great time. My first chick. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm 5, 14 and 1. Don't go with me, okay? I gotta crow. I gotta dig myself out of this hole. I gotta get myself. I gotta crawl out of this hole. Bill.

[Paul Versey]

It's a rebuilding year for you, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, listen, four in a row. Four in a row. What do you want from me?

[Paul Versey]

Don't pack it in, Paul. You're about ready to do the greatest comeback. This is your month, Paul. This is Paul Burzee's month. Listen, turn it around.

[Bill Burr]

Listen.

[Jake the Snake]

The Yankees had a dynasty that failed or that came to an end. The Patriots had a dynasty that came to an end. The Cowboys, the 49ers. It happens. It happens.

[Paul Versey]

When are they doing the 30 for 30 on Paul verses four in a row against the book?

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know what it was in 2025. He just. He just. Something changed. Then all of a sudden, my wife is like, yeah, he wasn't eating right.

[Paul Versey]

He wasn't having fun anymore. Used to be excited to beat the Book.

[Bill Burr]

And it's just.

[Paul Versey]

And you're like, I lost my passion. I lost my passion. All right, what do you got, Paulie?

[Jake the Snake]

All right. For my first pick. Oh, I'm not touching the Giants, I'll tell you that much. Oh, tonight's gonna be a. Tonight might be ugly.

[Paul Versey]

Paul, can I tell you something about the Thursday game? Don't ever forget. Don't ever forget Division Rivalry. Only four days to prepare.

[Jake the Snake]

That's true.

[Paul Versey]

Like Nick Sirianni can't do his. He only has four days so it brings down his level and it elevates your guy who needs a hat and some sunblock.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go with the hottest team in the NFL right now. They had a big win.

[Paul Versey]

Thank you, Paul. No, I'm going to.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, they actually are one of them, but I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars at home. My minus one against the Hawks. Jacksonville is 4 and 1. Trevor Lawrence looks good. The new coach looks like he knows what he's doing and they're at home and it's basically a pick them. I'm going to take Jacksonville to go 51 to start the year against the Seahawks.

[Paul Versey]

That's a pretty quiet four and one too. I don't hear anybody really talking about them. Jake, just to protect Paul because he's a little wounded right now. Is there anything going on that he needs to know in that game? Seattle, is there a reason that's only a one game one point spread?

[Mike]

No.

[Jake]

I think you're looking at two pretty even teams. Seattle has some injuries on defense if anything, but otherwise Jacksonville is especially healthy. So injury wise it should be all good there.

[Paul Versey]

Okay. All right. Jake, don't go away, buddy. I got a question for you.

[Jake]

Sure.

[Paul Versey]

I'm looking at that Dolphins Chargers game and that number seems a little low to me. Yeah, offensive lines hurt, what's going on?

[Jake]

Yeah, the offensive line is really banged up for the Chargers. It's coming up in the last couple weeks and then we just lost another running back.

[Jake the Snake]

All right.

[Paul Versey]

I'm taking the Dolphins plus four and a half because it doesn't make any sense to me. It's a home game and you know, I still think they got a competitive spirit down there. In some other sports cliches. I'm taking the Dolphins.

[Jake the Snake]

The fact that we did the show without Jake for years is so funny. We were just not knowing.

[Jake]

All right, I took the charges last like four, maybe five weeks now and I will not be taking this week. I mean, I'm off finally.

[Jake the Snake]

I know.

[Paul Versey]

Well, I mean, if you have to look, I usually look at head coaches now. Obviously Jim Harbaugh is more experienced and that type of stuff, but, you know, if your guy's running for his life, it's a home game. Dolphins need a win. Yeah. All right, go ahead.

[Jake]

That game to the Panthers, did you guys see the ending there? Because I like didn't I I just saw that they lost. I was, I was stunned.

[Paul Versey]

I don't know.

[Jake]

I thought that was crazy, right?

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know, dude.

[Paul Versey]

Come on, Paul. This is just what makes that little old land.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm gonna take. Look, I gotta do it.

[Paul Versey]

He thinks Giants can cover, Buddy know that they can't. Look, Buffalo.

[Jake the Snake]

Buffalo is coming off a rough loss against the Patriots, dude. And this is less than a touchdown, more than a field goal, less than a touchdown against the Falcons. I'm going to take Buffalo to win that game by 10.

[Paul Versey]

I like that book. You don't have to go crazy just to cover the spread.

[Dave Elitch]

Paul.

[Paul Versey]

I liked it until you said by 10.

[Jake]

Yeah, let's get the three.

[Paul Versey]

Whatever. It's four and a half, right? Four. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Paul Versey]

I like that one.

[Mike]

Let's see here.

[Paul Versey]

I got points in the first one. I'm gonna take the Cowboys minus three and a half going in, playing the Panthers.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, I like that pick.

[Jake]

Yeah, smart.

[Jake the Snake]

I like that.

[Paul Versey]

Guys, why you jinxing me? Everybody just agreed like that was a foregone conclusion.

[Jake]

Well, the Panthers stink.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Are the jets winless?

[Jake]

They're the only winless team left.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Jake]

Which is crazy.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, the jets have something. Dude, there's something. Dude, there's something.

[Paul Versey]

I mean, look, dude, they made Aaron Rodgers look like his career was over. Or wait, that's not fair. That's not fair. He blew out his knee. Yeah, that's not fair. But it happened when he wore a Jets uniform.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, the fourth play of his jets career was. I mean, dude, I know.

[Paul Versey]

And as hard as that was for him, wasn't it really the football gods looking out for him?

[Jake the Snake]

They're going, dude, we gotta get distracting.

[Paul Versey]

Him from that situation.

[Jake the Snake]

We gotta get you out of here.

[Paul Versey]

Dude.

[Dave Elitch]

He.

[Paul Versey]

Not only is he great for the Steelers, he looks great in that uniform.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, he's been great for them. I hate that spread there, too. All right, for my third pick, Baker Mayfield and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

[Paul Versey]

I like that game.

[Jake]

Yeah, that's, that's me. One of my picks as well.

[Jake the Snake]

Minus three against the 49ers in Tampa. I just, you know, I, I, It's a low spread. I, I like it. No point five either. I like the three.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

And Baker Mayfield is having a. Dude, Baker Mayfield's having one of the, the seasons of his career.

[Mike]

So.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, I feel like he's not a secret anymore. Like, that guy was kind of a, you know, he's just, he's a winner. Like, to the point Colin Cowherd finally just, he finally capitulated and was like, ah, yeah, yeah. I think that was a good. Good for him.

[Jake the Snake]

It only took him nine years.

[Paul Versey]

Well, how long did it take me to admit that Daniel Jones is a great quarterback? Whatever he said, what happens. Sometimes you're wrong. Sometimes you're wrong a lot. All right, I actually, now that you know, all the rivalry's gone with the Colts, I really enjoy watching this team. I hate that number. If that number was six, if the Colts were minus six against the Cardinals.

[Jake]

We also don't know if Kyler Murray's playing. That's. That's not been decided yet.

[Paul Versey]

But listen, that's like getting into a relationship with like some chick that was.

[Bill Burr]

Just doing jello shots on the bar.

[Paul Versey]

You know, letting somebody sniffer tits.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Jake]

It's exactly like that. That's exactly what I was thinking.

[Paul Versey]

You took the words right out of my mouth. All right, I have on my cheerleader coat this week. I might as well go with the Patriots, even though there's a big chance this is going to be a letdown game. All right, they're going into New Orleans. Oh, my God. Dude. If I had the time, Paul, if I had the time, I would be at this game minus three and a half, going into one of my, I think the best stadium in the NFL, the redone New Orleans Superdome. They kept enough of the old thing and they got enough of the new, and their fans are great and I think fucking absolutely love that city and the people down there.

[Jake the Snake]

But I hate.

[Paul Versey]

I hate to tell you this, you're going to lose Patriots and it's going to be more by. By more than three and a half. How about we got maybe a new Adam Vinitari? Dude, ice water in his veins.

[Jake the Snake]

And. And Adam, one week.

[Paul Versey]

One week. What my team is. How about me doing this dumb shit, Paul, huh?

[Jake the Snake]

Dude. And Adam Vinitari was his hero. And now he. Dude, he banged that. I don't know. I like it.

[Dave Elitch]

It.

[Paul Versey]

I'm.

[Jake the Snake]

I do not want to play the. If I'm an NFL team right now.

[Paul Versey]

Paul, if you're an NFL team, what would you do right now?

[Jake the Snake]

I would not want to play Rabels Patriots right now. I think Drake May is really coming into his own right now. And it wasn't. Even though the throws were great, it was his face. Okay, listen to me. I'm Sicilian, dude. I look at a guy's face, I know. I looked at Drake, Meg's face and I go, this kid got it.

[Mike]

You know?

[Paul Versey]

Come on, Paul, you're gonna tell Me. When you looked at Eli's face in a football helmet, you knew when he was like this.

[Jake the Snake]

No, but Eli had to put the helmet on for me to know.

[Paul Versey]

The hardest thing to lose to the Giants was not the loss, is that the quarterback looked like this. You know, his mouth would be hanging open, his face was all squished in, and he was killing us, actually, to be honest with you. Come on, Paul. The helmet catch and your defense, dude, the defense doesn't get enough love. I. I would say at this point, like, the defense has got to be going, like, come on, guys, I know the quarterback's the sexy position, but you got Tom Brady off his spot.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Jake]

He scored 10 points in that game and.07.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Jake]

Or something like that. It was something really low number.

[Jake the Snake]

No, it was 17. 14. 14.

[Jake]

So, yeah. I mean, holding the greatest offense ever to 14 is pretty incredible.

[Paul Versey]

It was unbelievable.

[Jake the Snake]

Justin Tuck. Yeah. Justin Tuck, man. Had it really good. All right. My fourth and final pick. Dude. The most intriguing game on here has to be.

[Dave Elitch]

Didn't.

[Paul Versey]

I can say. I love the adjectives.

[Jake the Snake]

The most intriguing game here has to be the Lions getting points against the Chiefs because the Chiefs are. The Chiefs have shown nothing but that they're not that good anymore. They just. Right. What's their record?

[Paul Versey]

I. Paul, this game scares the shit out of me because of everything that you're saying.

[Jake]

Exactly.

[Paul Versey]

As much as I tease Mahomes and blah, blah, blah, it's fucking Patrick Mahomes. They're going home after a loss.

[Jake]

The lines are on fire, though. I get where you're coming from, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, the Lions are four. The Lions are four in one and have looked amazing since they lost week one. I gotta see it. I gotta see it. I gotta see it. I gotta see your hand. I gotta see the flop. You know, when the dealer puts out the three, I gotta see the three. I can't. I don't know, dude. You think that the Chiefs are going to go home and beat the hottest.

[Paul Versey]

I think they're going to win the game.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh.

[Paul Versey]

Paul. It's not good for the NFL either. It's not good for Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift. If it's not good for them, it's a lot of money out the door. If they would be, what, 2 and 2 and 4?

[Jake]

They'd be 2 and 4.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Jake]

I said their record's 2 and 3 right now.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Is Jaden Daniels playing? Yes. I'm taking the Commanders at home. Monday Night Football.

[Paul Versey]

Oh, Paulie. Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Monday Night Football minus four and a half. He's back. They're at home. The Bears are what, two and.

[Dave Elitch]

I.

[Jake the Snake]

Want to say two and two.

[Jake]

They had a buy last week, so they didn't play.

[Jake the Snake]

I'll take the Commanders Monday night Football at home. They should win that game by a touchdown.

[Paul Versey]

I hope you almost did the three for you did Sunday night. Monday night. All you need is Thursday night night. Paulie's a night guy. He's a. I'm reing dude.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude.

[Paul Versey]

I'm real p. I hate seeing you like this. This is hard. This is real. I'm gonna tell you. This is really. There's not. Is there anything better? Is there anything better than Paul Berzy up on the book talking him with his hoodie up, looking like he's getting over a head cold, you know, outside now? You know, he's just. The man is reeling both professionally and personally.

[Jake the Snake]

You know, you know, when a pitcher or a hitter is in a slump and then they go to therapy. That's what I'm at right now. I'm just.

[Paul Versey]

You know what I did like, Paul, when you leaned back, I saw you had. You have a polo. It's a polo hoodie. Yeah. It's not sad. You're still winning. I mean, what am I. Of course. I mean, what we are seeing is a winner with a little bit of depression right now. He's coming back. He got scruffed, though.

[Bill Burr]

But it.

[Paul Versey]

But it's lined up, though. It's lined up.

[Bill Burr]

You haven't given up.

[Jake the Snake]

No, no.

[Paul Versey]

Not doing this stuff. And you had it down here. I'd be. Oh, Paulie, I might have to jump on a Delta flight.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

It's things. Hey, it's been rough for me. What are you going to do?

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Paul Versey]

I'm going to have. I'm going to have fun this week and I'm just going to throw one out there. After talking you out of that Lions and Chiefs game, I'm going to take the chief. I actually think that they're going to win this game. I think a lot of people don't think they're going to. And you know, as much as I. As I have overly hated on that team and not given them their respect, they are fucking champions. And I don't think that they're going to go out like this. And the Lions, unlike the Chiefs, have not been there. These guys have. They've come back time and time again and I just think, you know, I just. I think that not only are they going to cover, I think they're going to outright win this Game.

[Jake the Snake]

Wow. All right, well, you listen. I like the reasoning.

[Paul Versey]

And listen, when you put on a shiny jacket, you start to think, you know, things they.

[Jake the Snake]

They kind of have to. Right. They can't go two and what are they, two and three?

[Paul Versey]

Yeah. Go on a limit. Say that this is a must win game.

[Jake the Snake]

I would say not for the Chiefs, but close.

[Paul Versey]

You know, Paul this season, you know, goes by fast.

[Jake the Snake]

Paul, Andy Reid. Andy Reid. If it wasn't for Andy Reid, if they had some other schlep in there, I'd go, oh, this is the. Andy Reid's.

[Mike]

Great.

[Paul Versey]

What was the last time they had that many great coaches in one division?

[Jake]

I don't think they're ever.

[Paul Versey]

Andy Reid, Pete Carroll, Jim Harbaugh. When I go back to when I was a kid, like Don Shula was the legend in the AFC East, Chuck Noll was the legend in the Central. There was like one guy, but you have three.

[Jake the Snake]

Three of them won a Super Bowl. And all four of them went to a Super Bowl.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Which is pretty nuts.

[Jake]

Sean Payton's the fourth.

[Paul Versey]

Oh, Sean Payton, I forgot. Sean Payton.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, he won a Super Bowl.

[Paul Versey]

I mean, that's the. I'll tell you, Paul, that's the division you don't want to play. I'll just keep using that cliche. It sounds good.

[Jake]

I like the must win cliche.

[Paul Versey]

My thing is, I like. Everybody says, hey, both things can be true. That's another one. That one's been going around like fucking Covid. Everybody I gotta wait to do next time you get into it. Yelling at another motors. You're a fucking asshole. You fucking.

[Jake the Snake]

Come here.

[Paul Versey]

Hey, man, both things can be true. I think we're both the. Oh, Paul. Monday night Special.

[Jake the Snake]

We came, so we go right there. Dude, we had him run one. We had him throw one. We had it right there and it.

[Paul Versey]

Was the Chief's fault. When do they lose a game like that in recent history? Never.

[Jake]

Mahomes throws a pick six. I don't think I've seen that happen before. Only because we bet it.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, he threw a 99 yard.

[Paul Versey]

That reminds me when Peyton Manning threw that pick six against the Saints. Just sitting there like, I can't believe that just happened.

[Jake]

I remember that game. Oh, my God.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, it's a big one, man.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, so Bill has the Dolphins, Patriots, Cowboys and Chiefs. I have the Jaguars, Bucks, Bills and Commanders. Let's do the Monday Night Special. Monday Night Special is the Bears at the Commanders. I mean, I love the Commander's money line.

[Paul Versey]

Paul, you didn't let me Sing my song.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, sorry.

[Paul Versey]

Let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. Let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. We've won it twice this year.

[Jake the Snake]

Yep. We're two out of five.

[Paul Versey]

We went back to back first time ever. Maybe that first season. The first season, Paul, when there was no three point line, we were draining.

[Jake the Snake]

I think we hit four or five that year. We're going to beat it this year though.

[Paul Versey]

Okay, let's take starts with the victory this week. So it's the Bears Commanders. Paul, if our listeners remember from a few minutes ago, you took the Commanders because Justin Field is back. Bears coming off two week vacation, you know.

[Jake the Snake]

No, Justin Field is with the Jets.

[Paul Versey]

Justin Field.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Paul Versey]

Shannon Briggs is back with the Commanders, Jaden Daniels. Jaden?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Dude, I can't. You know these new names.

[Jake the Snake]

Jaden Daniels.

[Paul Versey]

You know what happened was Jason became Jaden, Brian became Bryce. Like I can't, I can't. My, my old brain. I just can't do it.

[Jake the Snake]

Let's do.

[Paul Versey]

How about more Daniel Jones.

[Jake]

That's an easy one to remember.

[Paul Versey]

Joe Flacco. I used to do a joke that that's the name you give to the cops, Pops, when you don't want to give your real name. What's your name? Joe. Joe what?

[Jake]

Flacco.

[Jake the Snake]

What was Keanu Reeves's name in the movie the Replacements?

[Jake]

Oh, he had a good one thing.

[Jake the Snake]

Flacco. Whatever. It was like that. It was like McFlurry, he was scraping the shells off of the bottom of boats and then they showed up and asked him to play.

[Paul Versey]

If there was ever a quarterback named Mike McFlurry, no two yard pass in the city of New York, like the level of press that that guy would get.

[Jake the Snake]

Shane Flacco was Keanu Reeves. So it was. Or Falco. It was Falco, Joe Flacco and then Falco.

[Paul Versey]

You know what I would do if I was, if I was managing him? He would do a podcast. It would be called Flacco Tuesdays instead of Taco Tuesday. Flaco Tuesdays. And he would break down the game after Monday night.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, I like that.

[Paul Versey]

I'm just thinking about his, after his career. He's 40 years old, gotta look out for him. Yeah, he's still wearing K Swiss cleats. All right, we're wasting time here. What do you got, Paulie?

[Jake the Snake]

British knights. Remember those kangaroos, Keg? All right, I think the Commander's money line at home on Monday nights are definite.

[Paul Versey]

I think I. No, don't. Yeah, I was with you until you said. I think doing that version.

[Jake the Snake]

Bill, I'm fragile right now.

[Paul Versey]

Come on, Paul. All right. You gotta forget about her fast. All right. Furzy.

[Jake]

That's right.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah. Do a shot, go up there, talk to some broads. Come on man. Get back in the game.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. Your ex. You see your ex show up to the dance with someone else and you just kind of.

[Jake]

Commander's money line with some confidence.

[Jake the Snake]

Commander's money line. What do you think, Jake? You always throw one in for us. What do you like?

[Jake]

I like that Commander's money line play.

[Paul Versey]

Throw into art.

[Jake the Snake]

Monk.

[Nia]

I think.

[Jake]

I think we're gonna see some offense in this game. So I'd look for. For some anytime touchdowns. The commanders have this running back cross gamer. It's really good. Jaden Daniels to run one in is also probably a good choice.

[Paul Versey]

The running back.

[Jake]

It's a complicated name, but it's Crosky Moretz.

[Paul Versey]

That Crosby?

[Jake]

Yeah, he was. He killed the Chargers last week. I think he had like 120 yards on. He's real deal.

[Jake the Snake]

Andrew Semless. Andrew, Thas just wrote add Bill's money line and a touchdown from each quarterback.

[Jake]

Are we allowed to. Are we double dipping in these Monday night games?

[Jake the Snake]

So if there's two Monday night games we could do that. Bill's money line. I love. Commander's money line. I love. And then we'll do each. Each quarterback any, any time. Touchdown.

[Jake]

I mean I can't, I can't disagree with that.

[Jake the Snake]

That's a four legger. So it'll be nice odds. Josh Allen's gonna get a touchdown. Jaden Dan's gonna get a touchdown and both of those teams are gonna win. I love it.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah. And you know that you're on equal footing on this podcast. So I hope when you say you can't disagree with that there's like some sort of power structure here that you're talking to people.

[Mike]

The real deal.

[Jake]

I actually do agree. Not because I'm physically unable to agree to disagree, but because it seems like a smart play.

[Paul Versey]

Jake, why this whole season you come. You come back. You look like you just came back from Cabo or some shit.

[Jake]

I know. I'm messing with the lights. I tried putting a lamp.

[Paul Versey]

No, I like it. I like it. You look better than me. I'm as white as the stripe on this coat.

[Jake]

I'm a little tanner.

[Dave Elitch]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

That's a killer coat though, Bill. That's a killer coat.

[Jake]

That's a really cool jacket.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Oh yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Pat Patriot dude. This is my 511 back in the.

[Jake]

Day all the NFL old school jackets and just uniforms in general are just so cool. Tampa and Seattle were both wearing their throwbacks yesterday, and it's just, like, so much so awesome.

[Paul Versey]

I was retelling this story about one time I was doing this gig in Boston back at the Wilbur, and I.

[Bill Burr]

Was working with Joe deroza, right?

[Paul Versey]

And a bunch of my old high school drinking buddies came out, and we were. We were getting after it after. So all of a sudden, DeRosa comes up. You know, he gets his face like this, and he goes, one of my buddies. He was talking about, one of my buddies just goes. He goes.

[Jake the Snake]

He goes, hey, man.

[Paul Versey]

He goes, well, what's going on? I'm not gonna say my buddy's name, but he goes, what's going on with so and so?

[Bill Burr]

He goes, you know, he was.

[Paul Versey]

He was like, talking and chopping it.

[Bill Burr]

Up and everything, and all of a.

[Paul Versey]

Sudden, you know, he just. He just stopped talking to me, and I was just like, I don't know, man.

[Bill Burr]

He's probably fucking hammered.

[Paul Versey]

Don't worry about it.

[Bill Burr]

He goes, all right. He just walks away.

[Paul Versey]

And like, 20 minutes later, that same dude he was talking about comes up.

[Bill Burr]

To me, and he goes.

[Paul Versey]

He goes, what's up with your boy? And I go, what? What's the matter? He goes, well, I was gonna buy a round of drinks. I asked him what he wanted. He goes, dude, the kid ordered a.

[Jake the Snake]

White Russian.

[Paul Versey]

And walked away like, that was it. He wrote him off because he ordered a White Russian.

[Bill Burr]

That's.

[Paul Versey]

Dude, that's all it takes. Dude, that's all it takes.

[Jake the Snake]

That is the most New England thing I've ever heard. That's the best.

[Paul Versey]

No, dude, he might as well have said, he married a man.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, what's up with your boy, kid? Like, what. What's up with your boy, dude?

[Paul Versey]

That sounds like what he wanted to drink. The kid ordered a White Russian.

[Jake the Snake]

He goes like this.

[Paul Versey]

He goes.

[Jake the Snake]

He.

[Paul Versey]

He approached like he was judging me, that I was hanging out with him.

[Jake the Snake]

He approached it like, dude, what's up with your boy? Dude, he talked to my girl. That's how he.

[Paul Versey]

That's how he said that.

[Jake the Snake]

Like, yo, dude, you don't talk to my girl like that, dude.

[Paul Versey]

It was like Henry Hill. That's how fast it happens. One minute you're in the crew, next thing you know, you order the wrong drink and it's over, dude, it was over. Dagger didn't talk to him again. Didn't talk to him.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, my God.

[Paul Versey]

But that was that. When I had been gone Away from Boston long enough to be like. To actually objectively look at it and be like, there's really something wrong with us, but we're still funny. All right, what do we got now? I think that's it.

[Mike]

Dude.

[Paul Versey]

I gotta go work on a script here.

[Jake the Snake]

Yes. Those are our picks. Everybody download the app, use our code, burr B U R r and put $10 in. And if that bet loses, you'll get 1500 in bonus bets and the first touchdown promo, guys, you take any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown, you win. If they get the second touchdown, you'll get your money back. Please bet responsibly. I want to thank everybody that came out to see me in Sacramento, San Francisco, on the 16th of October. I will be in Buffalo. I think I'm moving. A Toronto date. I don't know, but I'll be there. Go to PaulVirthy.com for all of my. All of my dates and anything else we have, we have.

[Paul Versey]

The listeners are gonna want to know why a Yankee fan doesn't want to do stand up in Toronto. Don't make them say you're ducking them, Paul. They need the reason.

[Jake the Snake]

Listen, they were the better team.

[Jake]

Like, you had a press conference.

[Jake the Snake]

It was.

[Paul Versey]

Paul. I somehow find them more annoying than you guys at this point, dude. I don't know when that happened.

[Jake the Snake]

They put up so many runs, dude. They put up so many runs. And then, you know, I don't know if this bothers me, but when they're dumping champagne in our locker room, they're playing New York. New York. I get it.

[Nia]

I.

[Paul Versey]

They did that.

[Jake the Snake]

They blasted New York. Dumb move.

[Paul Versey]

That is a dumb.

[Jake the Snake]

They blasted Frankie Sinatra while pouring champagne on their heads. And I'm like, all right, you know what? But don't think we don't listen. I'm a true day. After the Yemen, by the way, we have to talk about Nick Tutoro.

[Paul Versey]

Can I say one thing real quick, Paul?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

That I'm going to state the obvious. You guys are not going to forget that and they are going to regret that.

[Jake the Snake]

Yes. Yes.

[Paul Versey]

They are going. That is the stupidest thing. That was. That was really dumb. Okay, go ahead.

[Jake the Snake]

If you think you are a fan, you have to watch Nick Turturro's Instagram. There is nobody on this planet. There is nobody on this planet who gives a fuck more about the Yankees. To the point where I was concerned for his health.

[Dave Elitch]

Health.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, he was watching a game. His eyes were bugging out of his head, and he's going, what the Are we doing? Dude? His son was videoing it and I literally was like, that man needs to sit on the couch. He. Every game I. I am on his Instagram game 14 of the regular season, he's acting like game. He is a true give a fan on a level that is hilarious and nuts and amazing all at the same time.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, no.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, he's. He's the amount of Red Sox fans that follow that guy. He transcends the Yankees. It's just like, this is what. This is. Like, this is making me want to step up my game. Actually, to be honest with you, at my age, I just did his show recently and he delivers a pizza to you, and I literally said that to him. I go, dude, I am actually concerned about your health. And he goes, I know. I go, no, in like a cardiovascular way way. Like, you can't. You can't be your age and bring in the RPMs to 8,000. You can't do that.

[Jake the Snake]

He did a video of him going to the airport for the two Yankee home games. Like he was on the team, traveling on the road. He goes, all right, we got two games. We got two games. Like, you see him go to his hotel, you see him show up on the subway with the Yankee fans sitting in the thing, and then the next day, all right, we got that one. One more back on the subway, and then flies home to California. It's incredible. It's incredible.

[Paul Versey]

He's like, if you, if you. So many times you say, you know what? I'm a big fan. And then you run into a guy like that. What I love about him, though, is it's not cartoony. No, I mean, it's not like, you know, paint your face and take your shirt off and trying to get on tv. He just shows up with a Yankee cat. That and his, his. The jersey he's been wearing all, all year, spilling pizza sauce and coke on and just shows up like, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

Like, dude, when he's home, he puts the jersey over nothing. There's no undershirt. So it's just the jersey over skin open with his chains out. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen.

[Paul Versey]

No, like, literally, he's such a big hearted, awesome guy too. So I actually, as much as I'm joking, I do get concerned sometime. But. But then, like when he's yelling, though, he like makes. He makes sense. Like, he knows the could you made.

[Bill Burr]

Some big trade earlier this year.

[Paul Versey]

He and you guys blew a big lead that, you know, one of it was basically your worst loss.

[Jake the Snake]

I Remember?

[Paul Versey]

So he was just like going, like.

[Bill Burr]

When they're not getting it done.

[Paul Versey]

He was basically yelling that the Yankees traded for all these play players. And before the game, they already made the decision that they were putting them all in no matter what was going on in the game. And every one of them. Every fucking one of them. Oh, yeah. I think that was the one where a rod actually gave him props going, this guy's making sense.

[Jake the Snake]

I remember the exact game. Cashman made a trade for all of these guys to fill in these holes. And the day they showed up, they all got in and they all took part in the loss. And Nick couldn't handle it.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

No, there was.

[Paul Versey]

They put in like 12 pitchers. It felt like they just kept. All right, he gave up a dinger.

[Bill Burr]

Who's next?

[Jake the Snake]

Who's next? But they played New York, New York and bought in champagne. I don't like that for them. Oh, don't.

[Paul Versey]

I'm going to say that that's going to age really, really, really badly. I'm trying to think. I know. I know people. I've seen this before. I'm just not thinking. It wasn't when to ran and stood on the logo and pointed up. It wasn't that. It was something else where people just. They don't. You don't do that. Like, you just leave them deflated, leave them defeated and just leave quietly.

[Jake the Snake]

The quietly, the more quiet you leave, the more devastating it is. Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Have respect for him, obviously, to come in here to play the Yankees, you know, the most legendary franchise.

[Bill Burr]

Da, da, da.

[Paul Versey]

You just give them their flowers and then you leave. And then when you're on the bus, you're like, hey, guys, that's exactly right.

[Mike]

Start spreading the news.

[Paul Versey]

That's how you do it.

[Jake the Snake]

You sing it on the bus home or you sing it on the airplane home. You don't do it at the Stage Stadium. You don't do it at the stadium.

[Paul Versey]

No, that was dumb.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Versey]

How many songs do your Bleacher fans already have?

[Jake the Snake]

I will tell you what, though, man. Aaron Judge, dude, that. That ball, he hit 100 miles an hour on his wrist. And the fact that he did that, man, was. Was really. He's a great player, man. He's Paul Bunyan, dude. He's only, what, three players? With his home. With his stats, home runs. He's a great guy. Dude, too. All right, guys, that's it. Look, here's the deal. Yankees are out. Giants are bad. The Knicks are the best team in the East. That's what I'm hanging my hat on you.

[Jake]

Always got the Knicks, you know.

[Jake the Snake]

Bill, your Patriots are coming around. Hey, listen, it happens, you know.

[Paul Versey]

Hey, you know what?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what?

[Paul Versey]

The Bruins. Bruins had that first game last night. I gotta watch it. I taped the game. I don't know what happened, but, you know, yeah, we scored it. You know, we were scoring, like, four goals a game, it seemed, during the preseason. So we'll see. I. I just, you know, end of the day, Paul, I'm a hockey guy. I love the Bruins. Yeah, I love them. And I still miss the Adams Division. Just sucks. Bring back the Whalers. Bring back the odd.

[Bill Burr]

The Garden, the Forum.

[Paul Versey]

I love those places. For sure. Bring back the Quebec Nordiques. Just give us something.

[Jake the Snake]

The Hartford Whalers. Dude, that. That was a cool logo.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, they're now the. They're now the Carolina Hurricanes.

[Bill Burr]

And the Nordics are the Avalanche.

[Paul Versey]

It's weird that, like, hockey, they named him after weather.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, and. And it's in the south, too, you.

[Paul Versey]

Know, Like, Avalanche isn't weather, but you know what I mean.

[Jake the Snake]

Lightning, hurricane, all that.

[Paul Versey]

All right, guys, the Misters.

[Jake the Snake]

Those are our picks. This has been the show. I can't believe we're done week six already. This thing is flying.

[Paul Versey]

Indian summers. The micro bursts. That's what you call a. A minor league team. All right, Paul, next week, Flagstaff.

[Jake]

Foliage.

[Jake the Snake]

What?

[Paul Versey]

The foliage and the helmet.

[Bill Burr]

It's a picture of a.

[Dave Elitch]

A.

[Paul Versey]

Of a miserable dad with his wife, like, taking pictures on her iPhone, doing that. Paul, next week. Paul. The hoodie's off. The hat's on backwards. The shades are on.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, there you go.

[Paul Versey]

Paul's coming back.

[Jake the Snake]

Gotta come back. All right, guys, enjoy football tonight. Eagles, Giants, and Monday Night Special. We will see you guys next week.

[Bill Burr]

Next week.

[Jake the Snake]

Take care.

[Paul Versey]

All right, bye.