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Monday Morning Podcast
Disney, Hockey, Flying | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-26-26
01:38:54
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- [00:01]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going, dude? Oh, I'm sitting here on my l shaped couch, NHL's back watching Jack Hughes with the Golden Goal playing back with the Devils and the Buffalo Sabers. Anyway, what a week.
- [00:36]
Bill Byrne
What a week.
- [00:37]
Bill Burr
As I mentioned before, we took the kids out to go see the monster trucks and then we went to Disneyland, had a great time.
- [00:44]
Bill Byrne
Guess what?
- [00:45]
Bill Burr
I finally met Goofy. I finally got a picture with them.
- [00:48]
Bill Byrne
40 years. Took me 40 years.
- [00:53]
Bill Burr
You know, it's like John Elway winning the super bowl the last two years. Get the shit kicked out of you.
- [01:04]
Bill Byrne
So that was cool.
- [01:05]
Bill Burr
And I gotta tell you, California Adventure Park, I don't know, I kind of give it the nod over Disneyland. Why is that, Bill? I'll tell you why. I've watched that Lightning McQueen and all versions of it all. What is there two or three of them? I've watched the tow mater, you know, when he tells the crazy stories. I have watched all of them with my son like a thousand times each. And then you go to that California Adventure park and they recreate. It's like you walk into the movie, you're walking down main street where Light McQueen has already paved it. All right, they got Luigi, you know, the tire shop, they got the lowrider guys, they got George Carlin and the military dude. They got Paul Newman's car. They even got the, the, the statue that he ruins. In the beginning they got the, they have the ride with like the tractors that tip over like the car. They got the whole thing and you just walk down the street and then they have the radio radiator springs racers. And I got in it with my son. And when we were flying around the track, I was looking at him, he was grinning ear to ear, such a happy kid. And I just looked at him, I was like, I'm never gonna forget this. It's just, it was just seared in my brain. I was like, this is insane. I feel like I'm inside the movie that we were watching. And of course he said something adorable when he got off. He said that ride scared my tummy. It was awesome. And then, you know, my daughter's getting older too. Just watching her interacting with the park even more different than she did a few months ago. So, yeah, I'm like a Disney dad. I don't know what happened, but I, I love the place. And, and I had a Great time. We even hung out for, like, the parade. And I got to watch the lovely Nia. What did she freak out about? Little Mermaid came by, and all of a sudden, she became, like, you know, eight, nine years old again. And she was, like, waving to the people on the float. It's fucking hilarious. I will say this. I saw this ice cream sandwich earlier in the day that this person was eating, and I don't even know how to describe the level of white that the ice cream filling was. And I looked at that, and I was like, that is all chemicals. I don't know what is in that. But there's no milk, there's no eggs.
- [03:37]
Bill Byrne
Oh, we got a donnybrook here.
- [03:40]
Bill Burr
516 to go on the second period because the guys dropped the gloves. What's the guy's name? Zucker. Took a few swung, missed, fell down. I don't like this thing with, like, hockey now. Like, whoever falls down is the guy. The other guy won the fight. I mean, you're fighting on skate, somebody's gonna fall down. If you get punched and then you fall down, I think that that's what it is, right? I don't know. I don't know. Anyway. The fuck was I talking about? This fucking ice cream sandwich. And I'm looking at it, I go, that looks like. That kind of ice cream. Like, you ever see when they put Oreos in the microwave. Someone do that on the Internet, and they just. They can't. It doesn't melt. Whatever the fuck that is. As we're 25 years into fighting a war on terrorism, we allow a US Company to feed this to its own citizens, okay? So I looked at it and I go. I was just looking at these people going, like, I can't fucking believe they're eating that shit. So I go with the turkey leg, and I'm eating the turkey leg, and I'm having a good time. But then I get filled up with all that sodium, and lo and behold, I end up being hungry at the end of the night, and the parade's happening, and everybody I'm with is getting ice cream sandwiches. And I said, all right, I'll get an ice cream sandwich. And I. I don't. I don't. I can't believe I ate that thing. Like, I've been eating like an idiot the last couple weeks, but today I went to the gym and I got back on it. But I will tell you, whatever was in that ice cream sandwich is going to be in my body for the rest of my life. And when my body decomposes all the Oreo cookies and, and that ice cream sandwich is going to be what's left. It's, it's, there's just like, how much money do you have to make that? You start feeding people poison and then as always, they'll put it on you. Well, you need to like, be conscious of what you're putting in your body. How can I do that when I have to work all these hours just to keep my head above water? Well, you know, you got to figure it out. You got to make, you have to make healthy choices. You got to make healthy choices. It's like, well, why isn't the food healthy? Why is it on me to try? I'm not a chemist. I don't know what's in this shit. It says ice cream sandwich. It shouldn't allow be allowed to be called an ice cream sandwich if 90% of it is not ice cream. How about a chemical, frozen chemical sandwich? Anyway, so I've been on the Internet a little bit lately and I came across this thing. I've seen a couple. Oh God, I love Lindy Ruffles. What a fucking gem that guy is. Total hockey guy. Lindy on the road, rough at home. It's one of my favorite stories ever. Anyway, so I see this, I've seen this one before, this 911 conspiracy, and the whole thing is animated, right? So evidently, according to the conspiracy theory, the guy that owned World Trade Center 1 and 2 bought them, not realizing that they were full of asbestos, or maybe he was the original owner and then he didn't want to pay for the asbestos removal, so he's trying to figure out how to get out from underneath. I guess all of this with all of those floors being rented, somehow he didn't have enough money to take the asbestos out. Of course, he wasn't even remotely concerned with the poor people that were working in there in asbestos. This is just a theory, by the way, and it's animated. So then somebody goes, well, why don't you get terrorist insurance? And he goes, well, what are you talking about? They go, you get terrorist insurance. And then we'll call the White House and just say, how about we pull these buildings? Just say, terrorists do it. And then you can just have a war on terror and it could be wherever, and you can have false flag wars anytime you want. And they're like, oh, that sounds like a good deal. And then everybody in the comments are like this, this is what the fuck happened. And I'm watching this thing and these guys concoct this plan on the phone and then call the White House on the. Like, this is how it went down. No one was privy to this conversation. And now you're animating it. This alleged conversation. And then what they called up. Hey, White House, can I help you? How may I direct your call? Yeah, False flag wars. Hang on a second. Hello? False Flag wars.
- [08:31]
Bill Byrne
Yeah, hi, I. You ever been to New York City? You know, World War, the whole fucking.
- [08:39]
Bill Burr
And not one person in the comments is going like, hey, you know, I don't, like, whatever your theory is. There's no way this was discussed on the phone. I don't know. Or, or, or, or maybe it is. Who knows? With these Epstein files and shit. Were these people really this dumb? They didn't even speak in code. They just said all of this via email. By the way, the latest narcissist watch. So the fucking. The US Men's team goes to the White House, and the White House, you know, suspends false flag calls from guys who own skyscrapers in New York City every day. I haven't seen the animated version yet. So they go there and this is like, just classic. This is not political at all. I'm just observing narcissist behavior. The narcissist seceded. All the other. The heroes are all standing there with their medals. They have the attention. They have the shiny thing. So the narcissist says, oh, that's. I want one of those. Can I, Can I try that on? So then the dude gives it to him and then he makes the joke. I'm not giving it back. And then proceeds to leave it on while they take the picture. And one of. One of the hockey players who earned the fucking thing is standing there in the picture with the President, not wearing his medal. The president is wearing it in that 15 seconds. You just saw that guy's life story. Hey, that guy has that thing. I want that thing. Let me. Let me get in business. Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be a great thing. Hey, by the way, you're not getting this back. Take the picture. I did it. Yeah. Internet's a fucked up place, man. I saw. I saw a woman trashing the women's hockey team, trying to make it out like they. They couldn't handle that white men achieve something. It's like, oh, here's a breakaway. Here's a fucking breakaway. He shoots and it's a save. They were trying to say that the reason why the women's team didn't go is because they couldn't handle that white men achieve something. And they. Whatever the fuck it was, it's like, no, they're not going. Because the person they're going to meet says that he walks around and grabs women by their pussies. He also has an incredible amount of accusations out there of sexual assault, and his name is all over the Epstein island files. That would make a group of women not want to be around you. This has nothing to do with politics. Politics has nothing to do with politics. It's just women not wanting to be around a creep. But this is what kills me about Bill Clinton. If he was there, they would have showed up because this. Somehow women find him charismatic with his big fucking chick thighs. I don't know what it is. I have no fucking idea. I've never understood that, you know, But I don't know. To see a woman do that, man, it's just like, once again, I'm telling you, this is why it's up to men to support women's sports. Because they. They just. I don't know what it is. They just fucking go.
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Bill Byrne
Especially with sports.
- [12:12]
Bill Burr
There's something about sports. They just won't give it up. I want to say that's the second time in a row the women's. U.S. women's has won the gold. They're on a run here. I don't know. What are you going to do anyway? Hey, what are you going to do? That's what I say. You know what I say? You go out, you'll be a good person. That's what I say. You try to be a good person. That's what you do. You try to do the best you can and then just, you know, watch out for, you know, people that fall into the dark triad personality makeup, maybe not vote for one of them. It still wouldn't matter. It still wouldn't matter. I told you guys my. My water supply fucking theory that every business passed a certain level, there's no good people left. Because you get to a certain level in all business where you're asked to pour something in the water supply that isn't good for the people. This is a metaphor, right? And all the decent people go, no, I'm not doing that. I couldn't do that. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. And then there's the other people. Ah, fuck it, I'll do it. And then that's what happens. And I think that that's what you're left with. You know, in government, when you see all these people, you know, jumping around saying freedom fries, and nobody's like looking at themselves going, is it me or is this not the stupidest piece of propaganda I've ever seen in my life? They're not French fries anymore. They're freedom fries. And they're all sitting there smiling like they just made a great joke, the whole thing. And everyone is just completely devoid of any sort of, like, human emotion. Um, dude, maybe I watched that animated thing one too many times. I have no idea. Anyway, I also. Billy. Oh, Billy got back on the elliptical today like this soccer mom. He's looking at. Looking like right now. I didn't let it get really out of control. I just put like another 5, 6 back on. Last couple weeks, I don't know what happened. It was a birthday cake was laying around and I fucking. I lit up the crack pipe and I had a piece of cake and then I just fucking. I went off the rails there. So now. Now I'm back. I'm back off the sugar and, you know, so whatever. Had a nice easy day. Did a little stretching. I got on the elliptical, I looked at the weights and I was like, I'm gonna talk to you tomorrow. And I am, goddamn it. I'm gonna go over there tomorrow and. Oh, Billy, lightweights. That's what I do. I get to get in shape. Girl things, because I'm done hurting myself, working out. I somehow got tennis elbow. I think I got it from fucking playing drums, trying to play James Gadson's 16th notes, you know, single handed. My technique evidently was. Wasn't good. And now I got this shit, you know, tennis elbow. I don't play tennis. You know, that's like the beginning of a sci fi movie, you know, where somehow the woman's impregnated and what comes out of her is not a human. And she's looking at her husband going, but I. I never a Martian. And he's looking at you like, sure you didn't, you know, the same way Joseph looked at Mary, right? That's what happened in my elbow. The same thing that happened in that poor woman's womb happened to my right elbow. You have tennis elbow? But. But I never play tennis. Of course you don't, Mr. Burr. You. Anyway, so hockey's back. I can't wait for the Bruins, man. I missed them when they were gone. Such a fun goddamn team to watch. And I'm hoping some of the guys got, you know, obviously got to heal up, take a nice rest. It was a few guys that I noticed their game wasn't quite as physical or whatever as the season goes on. You see him, you know, I saw Nikita, that Ranger game where he fell and his leg went underneath him in some weird way. He missed like a game or two. And then when he came back, you could see like he was working his way through it. Dude, hockey players are just hockey players, professional fighters like this, football players. The stuff that these guys go through is insane. And I'm gonna add this, that monster truck thing, talking to those, that driver afterward. And like, dude, he sounded like, like I said, like a retired NFL running back. And I don't know, the old me would have just watched those trucks, you know, flying through the air, and I never would have thought about it. But as the older you get, like, you ever see like your kids just jumping up and down and you just make that wincing face, like, how is that not killing your. Your knees right now? You know? And you say to them, like, didn't that hurt? And they're like, no. I go, you got to be careful, man, that your knees and your back, they got to last you a lifetime. They're just looking at you like the are you talking about, dude, look at Doug Flutie still in play, in shape. Guy looks like he could, he could still get it to Gerard F. I bet he could. I bet, I bet Doug Flutie can still throw at 50 yards if you let him warm up. He threw it 60 when he was like 22. I bet however old he is now, he's a few years older than me. He's probably like 60, 61. I bet that guy can still throw it fucking 50 yards, and I bet he can throw it on a rope. 40. Look at me talking shit about his abilities. Where can you throw it, Bill? I think the longest I ever threw a ball was about fucking 38 yards.
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Bill Byrne
I don't know if I could ever even throw it. 40.
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Bill Burr
You sit up in the stand, you're
- [18:13]
Bill Byrne
like, dude, I could fucking do that.
- [18:15]
Bill Burr
Then you get down there like, this is a fucking hurl, you know. Well, you go to Fenway park, you know, it's like, dude, I could hit one over. You know what I get? Warning track. That's what.
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Bill Byrne
That's.
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Bill Burr
That's the humble thing you say in the stands, you know, There's a few people though, you know, that could do it. I'll tell you who could do it, was fucking Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck did it. Tiger Stadium came in, star of Magnum PI and he got up to the plate and he fucking, he hit it left handed, I think left handed hitter. And he hit it to the short porch out in right field. And then you know what the cool thing was? He just sort of nodded to the crowd. He didn't act like it was a big deal. And it's like, let me get this straight. You're a 6 foot 5 Burt Reynolds, you drive a Ferrari, you're banging all these hot chicks in fucking Maui, and you can hit an MLB home run. Didn't you have the decency to be excited about it? Just was totally nodded. Like, hey, you know, like, you know, playing it off. Like he got lucky. He's like, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. That's one of the ones God's gonna be proud of. You know, when Tom Selleck passes or whatever, he's definitely gonna gather the angels around. Look what I made. I did it again, right? Other people, other people he avoids. Some of these characters we get out there now, leading us into the oblivion. I think when they die, he'd be
- [19:51]
Bill Byrne
like, all right, you know, I had a bad day.
- [19:53]
Bill Burr
I had a bad day. You know. You know, a guy like this, this is what I invented the devil for. I invented the devil so I'd have an out. So I can just.
- [20:02]
Bill Byrne
You.
- [20:02]
Bill Burr
When I fuck up at work, I could just say, oh, the devil. You know, the devil got in his head, not me. All right, anyway, let's do a little promo here. The 13th Annual Patrice O' Neill Comedy Benefit, Tuesday, April 28th at the New York City Center Theater in New York City. We have an incredible lineup. Adam Ray, Dave Davitel, the King. The King David. Tell Drew Dunn, Jordan Jensen, Matt Richards. Fucking hilarious. I got to know him last year when I was doing Glengarry. Great guy and does one of the best Donald Trump's in the game, Zarna Garg, who I got to know. Where the hell did I meet? I think I met her. Comics come home hilarious. And myself. And as always, the great Rich Voss will be our mc. And we might even have a special guest drop in. In fact, I think I know we do at this point. Tickets go on sale right now. They can be purchased at Patrice Comedy Benefit Live DOT live. Sorry. Patrice Comedy Benefit DOT Live. All the proceeds go to Patrice o' Neill's mom. That's it. We take care of her because he was taking care of her. And, you know, he died way too young and his mom had a lot more life to live. So we've made sure that we picked up where he left off. And it's one of my favorite things to do. Shout out to Maureen Taran, who's the engine behind the whole Thing, she produces it every year. And yeah, other than paying to rent out the fucking venue, all the money, everybody works for free. It's fantastic. It's a great thing. So come down and be a part of it. All right? With that, I got a couple of reads here. Oh, geez. Oh, geez. Oh, Freckles is gonna read out loud here. All right, Helix, everybody. Helix. How are you navigating the colder season and spending more time indoors in your bedroom, staying comfortable inside with your Helix mattress. A good night's rest sets up you for a great day. Jesus Christ. Is that the truth? I'll tell you right now, one of the smartest things I do, I let my wife sleep. Okay? I don't give a fuck if I have to get up early, if something needs to get done. This is for all the fellas out there. You want to have a good day, let your wife sleep. Let her wake up when she wants to. Let her get out of bed with a full eight hours. She gets a full eight hours. You're going to have a great 12 hours, okay? If she wakes up at 7:47 into it, the next 12 hours of your life are you're going to pay for or at least the first four hours of the okay. Unless you can somehow make her smile or make her laugh. But who wants to fucking deal with that? Nobody does. And what's the best way to keep your wife in a good mood? The Helix fucking mattress. Sorry, I brought it back. Helix sleep quids matches you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. Makes buying a mattress easy. Free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the US the happy with Helix guarantee rest easy and seamless returns and exchanges. The happy Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. A study they ran found that 82% of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle, which I believe they're finding really helps with cognitive, you know, staving off like Alzheimer's and dementia is taking naps and doing stuff like that while sleeping on the Helix mattress. So go to helix.com burr for 27% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com burr for 27% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know that we sent you helixsleep.com burr. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's true work Tru W E R K Truer. So close to twerk at work. All right. Winter job sites don't mess around. Freezing mornings, wet conditions, winds that cuts right through cheap gear. You need workwear that performs when it's brutal out there. True Work builds performance workwear like it matters. Because it does. Founded by a trade professional who was out there in this shit getting the job done. He got sick and tired. Or she got sick. And whoever owns a damn company got sick and tired of soaking wet, heavy gear. Oh, slowing him down. This is what I love about the guy.
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Bill Byrne
He kept working.
- [24:49]
Bill Burr
Not me. I'm an artist. I would have gone home.
- [24:51]
Bill Byrne
This is too hard.
- [24:52]
Bill Burr
This man kept working. True Work sets out to make workwear that keeps pros comfortable, capable and ready for whatever the day throws at them. While brands like cartoons, Carhartt and Dickies focus on traditional cotton based gear that gets heavy when wet shots fired. True Work uses advanced performance fabrics originally developed for extreme outdoor conditions. Like, you know all those guys that die on the way to the top of Mount Everest? Yeah, he has that. Except he can wear it in somebody's backyard and you don't need an oxygen tank. Now engineer. I don't know if that's true. I spoke out of turn. That now engineered specifically for trade wear. Designed with moisture wicking, wind resistant insulated fabrics that keep you comfortable and mobile all day even in the harshest of winter conditions. Every piece is tested on real job sites with trade pros before it goes to market. Here's another place you can wear it. At a fucking tailgate. You can bring that shit right there in a rainy, frozen fucking rain. Football game. Why am I cursing so much? I don't know. I'm in a good mood. And when I'm in a good mood, the fucks fly. When winter hits hard, you're still ready to go to work, not fighting your gear. Over 50,000 5 star reviews from pros in every trade and climate. Real feedback from electricians, plumbers and contractors working through brutal winters. Don't let cheap gear slow you down this winter. Upgrade your day with workwear built like it matters. Get 15% off your first order at truwork.com with code burr. That's truewerk.com t r u e w e r k.com all right. And with that, and with that. I don't know what to tell you, old freckles. Oh, I went up, but I. I flew the chop today. Had a really nice flight. I don't know, I just knew I was gonna have a nice flight. It's funny. I went there, you know, and as I pull into the airport, I always look at the flag. It's the first thing I do to see which way the winds are going. But plus, when I sit in traffic, I can see which direction people are taking off from. And before I even get in the car, you know, I look at the. The Meta and I look at the taf. I look at all the bullshit. I look at all of it. So I know what I'm getting into. I know where I'm leaving from. I know where I'm going. Oh, Billy. Nice day. I like to fly on nice days. All right, so all, like, it was. Sky's clear, wind variable, right? And I'm looking at the Hollywood Hills or whatever, and they look all hazy from where I am, which is actually a good thing. That means there's not a lot of wind up there. And all the dust from the city and all of their shit's just sitting there. It's weird. Like, the less visibility, the less windy it is. And on a really clear day, you know, before my pilot's license, I'm like, oh, this is a great day to fly. You get up there and the wind is fucking whipping around. So this is a weird day. Like, you know, I can see the back of the Hollywood Hills, you know, and it's like I can see the shape of them. So I'm like, All right, that's 10 plus visibility. I like that. It's hazy. This is going to be nice. The flag is staring at the ground. I listen to the ATIS. It tells me what I think wins variable at 4, you know, at 170. So I'm like, all right, this is going to be great. So I fucking do all my bullshit. I take off, you know, from a taxiway. Cause I'm a helicopter and we're fucking cool. And right when I get into the crosswind, immediately I just start getting bumped around and all of this. And I was like, I fucking knew it. I knew it because I was literally thinking, like, this happens a lot, like, on the ground. Nothing's going on. And then you fucking get up there, and all of a sudden, like, the winds were like, you know, 15 knots. It was nothing crazy, but it was like coming from the right side or the left side. So it was sort of pushing me a little bit, and. But it was still really hazy, which was weird. So I couldn't tell where it was coming from. Anyway, ended up flying out to, like, Santa Paula. I like flying out that way. Had a nice, soft landing There. And then, you know, I flew back to Van Nuys and just had a great fucking flight. And I was on my way back and one of the Red Bull guys pulled up along side of me in his helicopter. I was talking to him for like a fucking minute. And I've met a couple of those guys and this guy wants to take me up and do like a fucking 360 loop. And I'm sitting there like, dude, I got kids, I got a family and I'm free on Friday. No, I didn't say that. I said, I gotta. I gotta check with my wife to make sure that's all right. But I want to do it. I have total envy of people with, like, full size helicopters and, like, the amount of inertia their main rotor has, as opposed to my little egg beater. And. But they're just like. That's a whole other ball game. That's why you got to be like Tom Cruise or Speaker of the House to be able to afford a helicopter like that. It just is. It's just. It's an entire, like the jump, you know what I mean? It's like going from a Prius to a Bugatti. And there's just. There's no middle ground. There's no. I guess you can buy a used one, you know, that's about ready to time out. And then you're gonna have to pay for the. Whatever they call it. Almost said remodel. How much do I own a house? The whatever. When they rebuild the whole thing. And then like, well, they're just continuing this so they don't support it anymore. And then you're sitting there and you got like this zillion dollar paperweight. There's just no way into it. So what you got to do is you got to get to know people that have. You got to get a giant hang. It's insane. It's insane. Like, when you go to an airport, there's like these little, like, motorhome hangars with people with like, Cessnas and little Robinsons, like me. And then there's just these giant, giant hangars with, like, G5s in a fleet of Ferraris.
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Bill Byrne
It's just.
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Bill Burr
It's fucking. It's. It's completely like whenever those hangars open up and you look in there, like you feel like you're watching like the beginning of like a Jason Statham movie. You know what I mean? It's just a whole other level. So I think what I'm gonna do, I'm always like, I love my helicopter because it's like 60 bucks for an hour to fly it.
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Bill Byrne
It's like a car.
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Bill Burr
That's what you want to be. So what I like doing now is I just like taking my friends up and I just give them like of LA and I fly over a bunch of cool. That's kind of like what I like to do.
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Bill Byrne
And
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Bill Burr
I don't know. But anyways, I will tell you though, that guy flying alongside of me was kind of hilarious. It was literally like a Ferrari driving behind a Prius and not passing. It was kind of amazing. But anyway, I had a great flight today and I had a great day. Had a great kid day, you know, Played a bunch of baseball in the morning. Dude, I'm telling you, my daughter, Holy shit. She got a hold of one the other day. I was like, that would legit be shallow. Maybe a little short of shallow right field in a major league ballpark. She just like. What I love is she's. She's using her hips now. She's taking some lessons and stuff. And her bat speed and she has this totally relaxed swing. And I don't know, I'll tell you right now, if I ever go to my daughter's baseball game and she gets a hold of one and like any dads out there, your kid, boy or girl, ever hit a home run? Like, how do you. How do you not just burst into tears? It's amazing. Anyway, I gotta go in here. That's the podcast. Thank you for listening. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thelis. And then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast to follow. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Be nice to each other. Don't let these news networks divide you. Do not root against other states. We are the United States. Help out your fellow American. You know, don't listen to these sociopaths. And don't listen to mouth breathing morons.
- [33:55]
Bill Byrne
Don't.
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Bill Burr
Anybody who has a message where they're trying to say us and them, anyway, that's trying to separate people. It's. It's ripping us apart, all right? We're human beings. We should be helping each other. All right, that's it. I'm off my stump. Okay. Go fuck yourself,
- [34:14]
Bill Byrne
Sam. Foreign. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 26, 2018. How's it going? How are you? Are you enjoying your February of 2018? Well, you should, because you never know. You never know if there's going to be another February of 2018. Nothing is promised. Just remember to look up at the clouds today and smile. Sorry. I'm threatening to get on Instagram once again. And I'm going to get on there and I'm going to become someone who's in the public eye. That inspires you. So I just want to try out some of my inspiring words. You know, my wife, my wife, she's on Instagram and I always look at those things. It always cracks me up. People sit there, they act like they're trying to inspire you, and it's really just an excuse so they can take their shirt off and show you, like, how great a shape they're in. Always set goals beyond your own belief in yourself, because even if you fall short, you're still in the money round. Whatever. The fire can never finish him, you know what I mean? Then they're just sitting there with like fucking eight pack abs, you know, but like with a hat on, like a fucking knitted hat. It's like, dude, I thought you're cold. Why don't you put a shirt on? All right? He starts off being cunty and it's only gonna get more country from there. So I was out in, I was out in Santa Monica and I, I was coming back towards Hollywood, you know, to get my, my Botox injections. A lot of people don't know that about myself that I'm actually. I've lied to you all of these years. I'm actually 63 years old and I take a very high quality Botox injection every, every third day. Sort of like the patron silver of like Botox, you know, I don't know shit about tequila. I'm sure somebody's gonna say, oh, actually that's kind of a mid range tequila. You want more to have more of the agave? No one cares. No one cares about you and your fucking tequila connoisseur. So anyway, so I'm driving into Hollywood, right, And I stop at a red light and there's all these, these pro second amendment people standing there, right, with like megaphones and shit. And they just keep yelling, america love it or leave it. This is America love it or leave it. Right? Like literally some of the dumbest fucking people I've ever seen in my life. And that, my friend, is what always now, now, now. If I was a moron, which I am, I would look at those people and be like, yes, that's what people who defend the second Amendment look like. Rather than being like, no, people who fucking are gonna stand at A fucking red light with a bullhorn. There's a certain level of intellect that that's gonna have. And there it is. You know what I mean? It's kind of like when, like, the left goes out and they protest something. Like, remember that I always bring this chick, the chick up who fucking sat there when Trump was getting sworn in and. Yeah, Like that. Like, what sort of balanced conversation could you have with a human being like that? And it's just same, like, these people. I just. It was hilarious. And then people were beeping at them. Yeah.
- [38:47]
Bill Burr
I don't know.
- [38:47]
Bill Byrne
You can't tell when someone hits a horn whether it's. They don't have, like, the. The positive beeping, I guess that's like a peep. You can't tell if they were beeping, like, yeah, keep yelling that shit. That doesn't make any sense. I don't understand America. Love it or leave it. So if you want to adjust anything, then you need to get the fuck out of here. Like, it's just like. I mean, that's what the Flyers did for the last fucking 40 years. And that's why they have yet to win another cup, because whatever they did in 74 and 75, they continued to fucking do up until about maybe six or seven seasons ago, you know? Oh, it's gonna beat the shit out of people, right? That worked in 74 and 75, before social media, before millennials were even born. You could do that. All right. And they didn't adjust. And look at them now, couples. They won a Stanley cup since Gerald Ford was in office. And that's fucking unbelievable, right? Actually, it really isn't. When you look at it, there is 30 teams. If you win one once every 30 years, that's pretty much average. So they're a little behind. They're a little behind the curve. They need to stay after class, get a little extra help on how to cycle it around. Yeah. And I love how they just go. These fucking morons are going, love it or leave it. And what they're defending was an amendment to the Constitution, which is a change. Fucking unbelievable. And the look on their face, too, when they were pissing people off, because, like, these fucking morons were actually looking at him getting mad. I actually rolled my window down because I wanted to call one of the guys fat. I just looked at it like, this is. This is gonna be. How mad could I make this guy? It's so childish, but that's how I kind of looked at it.
- [40:32]
Bill Burr
But
- [40:35]
Bill Byrne
the look on their faces, of them just pissing people off. They had total joy on their faces. So it's just like, you're not making it any better. You're actually making it worse. I don't know. Why can't people just, just sit down and just be like, like, you know, people that defend AR15s can be like, look, man, I fucking love my gun. I fucking spoon with it. I ain't ever shot myself in the face with it. And then the people on the left can be like, not saying it all kinds of bad. We're just saying, excuse me, is that a butterfly? We're just saying that maybe it should be a little more difficult to get one of those guns. Maybe that's what we need to do. Maybe that's a way that each side can hear each other, is each side performs as the stereotype, you know? Or wait, maybe you present your liberal opinion in your, your, your viewpoint of what you think the right sounds like, you know, I'm gonna raise my daughter gender neutral, right? And then they have to, when they refute, they have to be like, you fucking liberal snowflake. Anyways, I, oh, my God, I have never gotten more goddamn responses than when you start bringing up fucking guns. There's got to be. How can you do it? Like, you know, you got to let these fucking people still have their machine guns so they can get out there and then four wheelers or, you know, who, who knows? Who knows what's going to happen? I am curious too, as far as, well, before I finish that, how do you figure out who's a fucking lunatic and who isn't? You know what I mean? Because I haven't done any research on this, but I would be willing to bet that at least 98% of registered gun owners are responsible. You know, they're out there shooting squirrels off their balconies, right? With that gun. You can you see at the end of Scarface or whatever the fuck it is that doom. Who gives a shit? That's all they're doing. Just a fucking squirrel. Man's goddamn cute rat as far as I'm concerned. It's good eating, though. It's good eating. It's like a gamey chicken with a little bit of Captain Crunch in it. There's got to be a way to, you know, you know, I mean, I don't think anybody who owns a gun thinks that some fucking lunatic should get a gun like that. So why don't we just work on, work on that. How would you do that? How would you possibly fucking do that? I don't know. I actually got into it with somebody, you know, and they were trying to tell me that silencers were legal in New York. And I'm like, dude, they're not. He's like, yes, they are. And I said, dude, I live there. They're not. And then he, like, immediately he goes, they are. You just have to register. So then I Google it, and it says that suppressors are legal in, like, something like 42 different states. And one of the states they weren't legal in was New York. And then the guy gets. Rather than being like, oh, okay, I'm wrong, he gets, like, fucking mad. And he goes, was that a new law? Like, no, I don't know. I don't know when it came. As far as I know, whenever I fucking lived there. You can't have a silencer in fucking New York City. That basically means that I'm gonna go assassinate somebody. It's not like we have a bunch of fucking coyotes and shit running around, alligators and that top shit. Because in Florida, they were just like, well, you know, because we shot guns with silencers in Florida, they would just go. And we were laughing and verse. He said, yeah, having a silencer in New York means I basically want to kill somebody. I don't want anybody to hear it. And they laughed. And down here, they were like, ah, that just. Down here, that just means there's an alligator on your yard and you don't want to wake up your neighbor, you know? So it's like, oh, all right, I get it. Plus, my ears are junk. I think if I had a fucking gun, I would want to have a suppressor, you know? I mean, that's got to be the. It's got to be the best. If somebody breaks into your house, all right? And your gun is readily available and you have a suppressor on it, right? And you just fucking stand up in your jam jam scratching your ass, and you just. I'll clean that up in the morning. You just go right back to bed, you know, and you're just laying there, you know, when you did something fucked up the night before, you know? You know how you wake up where you don't just sort of gradually wake up? Your fucking eyes just come open. I just fucking. I shoot. Say I have to shoot somebody last night. Ah, God damn it. The blood's all dried on my floors, man. Anyways, I find the whole thing fascinating. I also find it fascinating that, you know, as much as I'm a believer that you shouldn't. The government shouldn't be the only one that has guns. It's like too much power, considering what the fuck they're doing. I also don't. I think we're, as far as technology goes, an owner of media. I just don't think that a bunch of people with, like, guns in their houses is going to stop any sort of fucking. You know, if we went. I don't know how much crazy we could get in this country, but if we really went totally fucking crazy, I really don't think a bunch of armed citizens who are not organized or even remotely have the training or the weaponry of what, you know, the martial law, whatever the fuck would be enacted would even be able to stop it, you know, and then the people that took over in power would also control the media, and then they would. They would put out information to make those patriotic citizens look like they were fucking Nazis, and the whole thing would fall apart. However, you know, for a lot of people, I think it would be a fun way to go out. You want my guns? Come and get them. Come and get them. You want my soul cycle? Well, I'm gonna put it up on Craigslist next week. All right, let's get out of this fucking topic. We'll talk about it later. I'm trying to be even here, like, sort of trashing both sides and seeing both sides. You know, this is my Instagram inspirational thing on gun control. I'm trying to see both sides of this, and in the end of this, I will take my shirt off. It's not even that people in the public eye do that. It's the people that follow them. I guess if they are inspiring them, I guess they are doing something. But it is just so clearly it has nothing to do with. Even if they inspire somebody, that's even more. For that person that took their shirt off to fucking feed their ego anyways. Or maybe I just never looked good with my shirt off, in shape or out of shape because I was so pasty white. You know, I felt bad for fucking. There was a fellow celebrity, a redhead, and he had his shirt off on a boat, and everyone was, you know, and he's in great shape. And that's all everybody talked about, was how fucking white he was.
- [48:01]
Bill Burr
You know,
- [48:03]
Bill Byrne
if redheads ever had a bodybuilding contest, what it would. Basically, they would do it for the blind. Then the blind would just come up, like, touching their torso and be like, okay, this could be a little more defined, you know, Then we'd sit there with our angry, freckled fingers, you know, giving them the finger, maybe. I have no idea All I know is that since I've become a dad, I, you know, I don't have time to fucking watch games the way I used to. Especially like hockey and basketball, how, how many games there are and all that. Every time I fucking start to get caught up on the Bruins, I look at my little thing and it Sundays, you have five new games to watch. And I know they're playing great and they're making all these moves. I don't know if this trade went through, but we got fucking Rick Nash from the ranges. And I was thinking out, God, like, who the fuck did we give up for this guy? And we gave up a first round draft pick. Who the hell is it here? And we gave up. We gave up Ryan Spooner and Matt Bileski. I don't know. Rick Nash is 33. I love Ryan Spooner. Oh, well, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? But I, I think, who knows? I like what Sweeney's doing. He's just like, all right, fuck it. We're like, right there. Let's push this over the top. It gives us a physical presence, a guy that gives you 30 goals a season. I think the Bruins definitely got better. They're gonna put him on the second line with David Krajie. Now, you got Bergeron, you got Pasternak, you got, you got, you got Marshawn in the first line. That gives us two really solid lines. And I haven't watched that many games this year, but the game, games I've been watching, our fourth line actually kind of contributes quite a bit. We're young, we're fast. Now we got this guy, and he's a big presence out there. He doesn't really drop the gloves, but I mean, that's been completely taken out of the game. By the way, people who always talk about how much they love Olympic hockey and if they could just get the fighting out of the NHL, that they would actually sit down and watch it. Well, all I want to say is fuck you, you lion cunts, because you ruined the game that I loved. Because they've pretty much got fighting out of the game. Certainly in the playoffs. You get in the playoffs, the goons are gone. The goons go home. The goons go home at night. The goons go home at night. They go home during the fucking playoffs.
- [50:43]
Bill Burr
Playoffs.
- [50:45]
Bill Byrne
They sent them all home. And every year I get a little sad, you know, when I see that. And I think back to the 80s when the fucking Bruins played the fucking Buffalo. Save us. And it was standing room only in the penalty Box. It's like two guys sitting down, three people standing up behind him. Look like they were stuck in an elevator. Back then, that was called setting the tone. That's not what happens anymore, is it? Huh? All these people out there trying to take away my guns and my four wheelers. Sorry. All these people out there trying to take my gun, my four wheeler. You fucking liberal snowflake. Why don't you just skip to some socialist country? Well, let me tell you something. There's no room for violence in hockey. It just shows ignorance, okay? That's what I'm gonna do from here on out. Whenever I present the liberal side, I'm gonna try to do. I'm gonna do a fucking. I need another good liberal argument. You know what I mean? I don't know why the fuck we just don't switch over to solar power. All these stupid rednecks rolling coal, they should have solar power. These fucking oil companies and corporations, they don't want to do it. America, love it or leave it or adjust it, you know, as everything does, as everything in the world does. As it moves forward, it adjusts. You know, as virus adjusts. Adjust. I should say adjusts. Adjust. We're all using that hand sanitizer and all that shit, you know? What are the viruses doing? Going well, I guess that's it for us. I guess we can't kill any more people. They're not. They're hitting the gym, they're drinking that shit up, and they're getting even stronger. And there's a. There's. There's gonna be a fucking. Look, look how strong the flu is. Look how many fucking kids died this year. It's terrifying. Everything adjusts, all right? You can't adjust fucking. You know, amendments are adjustments to the Constitution, you dumb fucks over there. And I'm not saying. I'm not saying you shouldn't defend your gun. Oh, I'm gonna be liberal here. I'm not saying you shouldn't defend your guns. I'm just saying some adjustments maybe need to be made, you know? I don't remember I almost said Tom Sawyer. I don't remember. Who's the guy who said the British are coming? Paul Revere. I don't remember his kid going into a log cabin, you know, shooting it up with a musket. All right, what do we got here? Hand sanitizer. Super virus. Super, super, super, super, super. You guys remember super fuzzy. And when that came out to your cable station, I have. I have the worst fucking goddamn Internet. He has the worst fucking Internet in the world. Okay, fact or fiction? Can hand sanitizer use create a superbug? Hand sanitizer dispensers are mounted everywhere in office buildings, restaurants, schools and hospitals. In case you didn't know what everywhere meant. We can carry bottles of it in our purses and on our keychains there. We've covered male and female behavior but we. But are we using it correctly and can it use be used to make a super bug? Bug, bug, bug. USA TODAY Network reviews Facts and fiction surrounding hand sanitizer myths Kids who suck their thumbs shouldn't use hand sanitizer. It's generally okay to apply hand sanitizer on a child. Oh geez. That just cover themselves legally. Generally it's okay. My kid just died. Well, we didn't say totally a taste. A taste amount from the hand is not usually a problem. Nicole Reed, a registered nurse and a certified specialist in poison information told USA Today Network. most there may be some irritation in the mouth from the alcohol based products. Do keep an eye on kids though. Fuck is a goddamn advertising. There we go. Hand sanitizers often smells good and comes in bright colored packages that's attractive to children. Ingesting a large amount of it could make them very sick, she said. Or shit faced depending on what brand you use. Myth, sort of myth, sort of using hand sanitizer can use to create can lead to the creation of superbugs. The concern about superbugs centers around a chemical ingredient found in many antibacterial products called trisiocan. Triaciosan is not found in most hand sanitizers, but it is found in many antibacterial hand soaps and cleaners. Recent studies have found that the chemical may alter the way hormones work in the body according to Federal Drug Admin, the fda. All right. And may also contribute to bacterial resistance to antibiotics or superbugs. Is not considered an essential ingredient for many products and its use is currently under review by the FDA and the Environmental Protection Agency. The FDA is also made up of a bunch of people that used to work in the industries that they're supposed to be policing. So who knows? All right. This is what I'm a moron because there's a bunch of other facts. I don't even know if they're facts. I just get bored. But this is why I I don't read a lot of. Because I'm reading this on USA Today and then USA Today just has a bunch of like clickbait like underneath. Remember Catherine Bell from jag? See where she is now. Google May not show you this. Enter any name. This is on the USA Today site. This is supposed to be like a fucking reputable newspaper. Top five local solar companies. Check out best and worst reviews. I want solar panels. I want one big one right on my forehead, right?
- [57:38]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [57:38]
Bill Byrne
Plowing head.
- [57:39]
Bill Burr
Okay.
- [57:39]
Bill Byrne
You know what the greatest thing about my daughter is right now? Besides everything is she gives hugs now. Like legit hugs, right? Like I opened the door to a room today. She was in there talking to herself. Open the door, room. She just goes, hi, right? So I start cracking up like, hi. And I walk over to pick her up. I pick her up. She grabs like around my neck and behind my neck, she grabs like a handful of my shirt, like I owe her money, you know. And then the other hand is just sort of on my shoulder and she pulls herself into me with her head right up against my head. And I'm standing like, are you kidding me? This is the greatest thing ever. And then after, like just squeezing me for like a good five, the best five seconds of my life, she then lets up and then gave me a kiss and then went and hugged me again. It was so awesome. I literally reenacted it to my wife. I was like, this is what she did this morning. The best part is the handful of this shirt. Or maybe the feeling of the side of their face on yours. I don't know what. But all I can tell you is the greatest thing ever is becoming a dad. It's awesome. You know, I know there's the lack of sleep. I know your sex life goes out the fucking window, but it's worth it. It's totally worth it. All right. Oh, Jesus, here we go. We got. We have one read, One read in the barren landscape. The walking dead. That is my fucking advertisers lately. All right? It's the smartest way to hire. Oh, guess what? So as mentioned, as mentioned, old freckles. Hey there, freckle face. Running under a tree. Cuz you don't want to sunburn getting the shit kicked out of you every outdoor recess. Where's a teacher when you need one? It's turning 50. The big five zero five zero club. Whatever happened to those fucking people? They dropped me too, I think. Or maybe they're just hanging out. Maybe they're still laying in the weeds. 50 years old. I'm turning. So I have to go to the doctor. I've decided that I'm actually going to get a doctor. All right. I'm going to go in there and I'll be like, all Right. Light me up. Let's see. Take some X rays, check out my heart. I'm doing all of that shit, right? After a half a fucking century running around eating fucking burgers and baloney sandwiches and shit. I'm going to see how much damage I've done to myself. And hopefully they won't find anything. And if they do, hopefully they can fix it and that. That'll be good. I'll get a little, you know, get a little freshen up here, you know, Got my teeth all straightened out here, ready to read the news. I'm telling you right now, Connie Chung has nothing on me. Did she have nice teeth? I don't fucking remember. Anyways, yes, I'm going to go in there, I'm going to get my heart, liver. Oh, Jesus. Stomach, pancreas, the whole goddamn thing. Kidneys, the whole thing, right? Hey, what was that movie, that guy. Was it where they flew the spaceship around inside the person's body?
- [61:08]
Bill Burr
The.
- [61:09]
Bill Byrne
Was that called Come on in? You just knock. All right, all right. I'm gonna get my ears checked out, too. What is. Hey, Neil, what's the name of that movie that. That Dennis Quaid was in where he was flying around inside somebody's body? Inner Space. Yeah, I gotta get that fucking procedure, you know, when you turn 50 now they got to do that, right? They got to do the fucking IMAX up your ass, camera, up your ass, inner space. I have to do all of that. It's, you know, how did this happen? I used to be a young man, but whatever, I'm gonna go do it because. Because I got the little kid, you know, If I didn't have the kid, you know, I think I just sort of drink myself to death, you know? You know what I would love to do if I didn't have any responsibilities when I was seeing those people standing there doing that. America, love it or leave it. I wish I just had a lawn chair and I could have just sat under a tree across the street, you know, with a nice fucking adult beverage, you know. I'd have to have a mixer, though, right? In case the cops came by. Officer, I'm just drinking lemonade, it's gluten free. And just sit there watching them. It was part of me that actually enjoyed watching them come down like, hey, let's go down there and piss off a bunch of liberals. And they come down and I just don't think that they made the problem better. They didn't make anybody on the left want to listen to what the fuck they had to say. But they were morons. And I don't think everybody on the right is like that. And I don't think everybody on the left is a fucking lunatic. One of them hairy legged lunatics over there trying to fucking change everything that we hold dear. Who knows? Who the knows? All right, we're a half hour in here. I got a bunch of bullshit to do today, dude, my drum room is done. And I can't even tell you. But I'm gonna tell. I'm gonna try to tell you how awesome it is. The first time in my life I can play drums as loud as I want and not piss anybody off, okay, if you're like me, okay, if it's just a hobby. And every time you go to play, somebody tells you to shut the fuck up. And you always think, why didn't I just play the ukulele? Why did I have to pick this instrument? I'm going to tell you right now, you need to. You need to get a drum room. I don't give a fuck how you do it. Just, you know, I was actually thinking, you know, if this thing didn't work, what I was going to do, I was just going to pay somebody to literally dig a hole in the ground like a bomb shelter, all right, and just stick the whole thing under the ground, right? Put some cinder blocks, make a little room. And you literally have to go down a ladder into the thing. And then of course, I don't stop there. I'm like, well, what if I had a tunnel going from the fucking house like Al Capone and I could just walk in like that. You have it underneath, you know, the tax man can't see it, so he can't tax you for it, you know? And then this is thing someday you sell the house and you don't tell anybody that it's there. Then one day somebody discovers it and then they're filming it and they're all excited to see, oh, what's going to be down there. Is it going to be as safe? Is it going to be a dead body? Is there going to be a pterodactyl egg from prehistoric times? Yeah, they go down there. It's just some big stupid drum room, right? Pictures of Fred Curry and Ricky Rocket, Tommy Lee, Nico McBrain. All these people that I grew up watching. Phil Rudd. I'd leave the posters. I don't have posters of any of those people. All right, let's do. And I've actually, because. Because of my shoulder, which I'm telling you, man, I got it up to about 85% here. And I just can't fuck it up by wailing on the drums. I've just been working on my feet and just the fucking bands that I'm getting into because I've just been listening to a lot of double bass now, and my younger brothers were always into, like, Pantera and shit. And I was just like, that's too heavy for me. I. I can't believe I didn't get. I. I could. You know, I was old enough I could have saw that band, and I didn't. But I've just gone fucking got, like, everything that they have now. And I always knew Vinnie Paul was a fucking great drummer, but Jesus Christ. Just incredible. Incredible drummer. And Cowboys from Hell and I'm Broken are probably my two favorites. And somebody, my drum teacher told me about their live album, that 101 proof, and just how they end. I'm Broken with that little double bass riff there. In the end, it's just like, I want to learn how to. I'm gonna learn how to do that. I'm gonna do that in my drum room, and that's it. That's what the. I've been doing. I've been doing that and working on the. That meshuggah Bleed song. That's what I do. I'm gonna start double bass with the. Probably the most difficult double bass song you could possibly have. I'm up to about 70 bpms being able to play that lick with plain 8th notes like.
- [66:47]
Bill Burr
Like that.
- [66:49]
Bill Byrne
It's not even that fast. It's more like. And that's what I do. Okay, now that you learned how fucking boring my actual life is, other than when my kid gives me a hug in the morning. All right, 34 fucking minutes, and let's see if I can fucking bullshit for another 26 minutes here. Oh, by the way, they added a show. There's a third show that I'm trying to sell up there in Vancouver. I'm gonna be up there on March 7 and March 8, which is gonna be. It's going to be so much fun. I can't wait. And I, I, I, I'm, like, chomping at the bit to start my road gigs. First of all, you know, I haven't worked that much this year so far.
- [67:36]
Bill Burr
And,
- [67:39]
Bill Byrne
you know, the bills keep coming in, if you know what I mean. You know, the wife keeps spending money. The kid needs something. Everybody's, you know, here's this fee for this. Here's this fee for that. This is a processing fee and all that. Next thing you know, they just deplete your fucking. I have no fucking idea how anybody ever retires, but I understand why when you do, you eat fucking dog food just trying to stretch every goddamn nickel you can go. And how long am I gonna live? How long do I have to stretch this out? All right, Sheriff dip shit. This is what. This is what somebody wrote in. Okay, now that I've brought up, you know, talking about guns and that type of thing, trying to keep everybody calm and relaxed and have a nice conversation where we can somehow try to find a solution. Because God knows, if smart people couldn't come up with a solution. I think it's time for someone of my intellect with the podcast laying here talking to nobody to come up with the solution. This is like when a celebrity says that they're going to run for president. What I'm doing here, this is what happens. All right, Sheriff Dipshit Bill, I'll tell you who's a fuck up. The sheriff from that town. You got to see this guy doing interviews. I love how this person writes the sheriff from that town. Like, what town? You just literally. You fucking had half the conversation already in your head, Bill. I'll tell you who's a fuck up. The sheriff from that fucking town. You got to see this guy doing interviews. He. He talks. Oh, my God, he talks like a Long Island Jew who runs a deli. Oh, boy. How dumb is this person? That's a great way to make a point. Say something anti Semitic right out of the gate. That'll make people listen. He went on CNN and started calling for gun control to take away attention from the fact that he had deputies puss out and not engage the shooter. All right, I did read that there was stuff like that. There was allegedly stuff like that going on. And let me guess, buddy, you would have ran right in there, right, with your fucking nine millimeter. Would you. Would you. Would you fucking pull a 9 millimeter on a guy who had a fucking AR15? Would you do. I'm just asking you that, huh? And if you would, then what do you need an AR15 for? You're evidently not afraid. There's a lot of people that fucking freeze up and you never know what you're going to do in that time. All of a sudden you start thinking of your kid. Who knows? It's very easy to sit there being like, look at these fucking people. They fucking go, go. You know? You know what I would have done? They did the same thing a cop who shoots an innocent black guy did in the sense that they were not ready for the job. They had the uniform and an idea that they were someone who could handle this. They weren't too. This is all a legend. The sheriff office and the shitty FBI fucking blew it when it came to all the warnings. I've read that too. I don't believe in taking every gun, but how about not letting a delinquent kid buy a fucking semiautomatic rifle along with some stricter shit in place? We need people who can do their fucking job. You know, if you take away the anti. Semitism in that. I actually agree with most of that. Yeah. Like, if everything that they're saying is true, that the people. People, like, literally said, this kid is threatening to shoot up a school. He's taking pictures of himself with guns on. I just can't believe yet another kid did that. There was all these warning signs and people were still allegedly ignoring it. If that is the case, you know what I mean? Is it because it's guns? I don't know what it is. If somebody was on Instagram going, you know, I'm gonna take my dick out at school, they were standing there with. Holding their fucking dick, shaking it, right? I mean, how fucking long would you last? It would be over. They'd be fucking over, wouldn't it? I mean, what do these people have to do? In a way, isn't that like a cry for help? All right. Guns are fun. Exclamation point. My dearest Mr. Burr, I grew up in rural Washington state with guns in the house and went to school with kids who had gun racks in their trucks and went hunting after school. Sounds like the beginning of Red Dawn. As an adult, I never owned a gun since I don't hunt and I live in a city with police minutes away, so I feel like I can see both sides of the issue now. There's a great fucking point with police minutes away. Provided you're white, they're minutes away, and they will help you. Provided your way. I'm fucking around before. Shut the fuck up. I'm allowed to make jokes here. Yeah, I get that. I get that because that is the feeling. I. I always understood owning a gun whenever I did, like, college gigs and road gigs that were in the middle of nowhere. Like, you just drive by some little farmhouse, some little fucking house in the middle of nowhere, and you're just like this. What is to stop anybody from just driving up that driveway? No matter how loud you screamed for help, no one was going to hear it. All right? Anyways, he says, anyways, the guy goes that being said, I don't think the system of rules we have now is working. And I think we could do better. Now. I don't think anybody can argue that whatever system we have is not working. And because I'm saying it's not working doesn't mean I'm saying that they now have to fucking outlaw certain guns or whatever. I'm just saying that, you know, if somebody is literally saying I'm going to shoot up a fucking school or making threats like that while with taking pictures of themselves with guns, and then people bring that to the authorities, allegedly, and nothing was done yet, there's something not working. All right, my ideas are as follows. One, people who want to hunt can have both bolt action hunting rifles. One shot, one kill. Bye bye, Bambi. Mommy wants some venison steaks. All right, you went a lot there with the reference. Two references there. Why Bambi? You know, why wouldn't you shoot the mother? So then Bambi has no mom. Isn't that how it's supposed? That's the way Disney did it. Oh, this fucking Hollywood liberal. All right, people who want to protect their homes can have shotguns for the spread, obviously. Well, the one thing about the spread is like, what if they've already grabbed your fucking kid? You know, I don't know, that's a tough thing too. Like to shoot a gun in your house. You want enough firepower to kill somebody, but you don't want it to go through them, through a wall and into somebody else that you actually like. Or maybe tolerating, you know, if you have in laws living with you right into the other room. And then you got to deal with that for the rest of your life. And then you shot my mother in law, honey, I didn't know she was on the other. I shot the fucking guy. I tell. You know something, your whole family is crazy. I don't know why, why I ever married any of these people. I should have known it, man. Your fucking whole family had one pair of shoes, all right? Number three. All right? Pistols only for cops, security guards or other people who have a credible reason that involves the need to occasionally sh someone. I think that's how they do it in Australia. Not sure, too lazy to confirm. All right, I like the honesty of that. This all makes sense. But it's also like, what about bad people who don't give a shit about laws? And then everybody turns in there, I don't know. And you live in the middle of nowhere and you turn in your fucking gun and then the douchebag who wants to rob you, doesn't, then what? All right, number three. People who want to have fun and blow shit up can own whatever the fuck they want, but it has to be delivered and kept at a licensed gun range at all times. Gun ranges could become the new golf course. This guy's got some interesting ideas. Show up with your buddies or the ladies. Rent a fucking machine gun and have a blast. Shoot up a bunch of paper, targets dummies that look like monsters. Or even shoot up some burned out cars. Doesn't matter. You're having fun. Safety and responsibility in a controlled environment. Just some ideas. Nothing too crazy, I hope. Go fuck yourself. Safely and responsibly. Of course. I like a lot of that. The flying. The fucking ointment in all of this is people that aren't going to comply with it, You know, and then everybody's gonna turn in their fucking guns and comply with all that, except for like criminals or whatever. But then it doesn't say anything that you can't have a sword. What if you booby trap your house? I don't know. What are the. What are the odds that someone's gonna come into your house? I have no idea. I don't fucking know. I'm, I'm. I kind of believe that now that they're out there, I don't know how you fucking bring it back. All this is doing is just, you know what it is because there's always like the what if and all of that. Because if we did have it like that, like, you know, when you go to England, the cops don't even have guns. They just come up and they just swarm around you and they just sort of club you. But the people walking around don't really have guns, as far as I know. I don't know. Isn't it funny that I just don't look anything up and I just start talking. Gun violence in England. Let's see what this brings up. Gun crime in London increases by 42%. Gun violence rare in UK compared to the US. Well, it's because we're the best at everything. If London was better at fucking. If England was better at gun violence, we'd still be under their fucking rule, right? All right. Gun crime in London increases by 42%. This is a BBC News. Oh, wait, you know something? Because of terrorism now they have all, look at the Met. Police said there was complex social reasons why more young people are carrying knives. All right? We went from guns to knife. Gun crimes in London surged by 42% in the last year, according to official statistics. The Met Police figure shows that there were 2,544 gun crime offenses from April 2016 to April 2017, compared to 1,793 offenses from 2015 until 2016. All right, so, I mean, essentially, you know, that's kind of like fucking. What would that be? That's about six incidents a day. No less than that. Five, four and a half. That's pretty good for a whole city, though, right? Knife crime also increased by 24%, with 12,074 recorded offenses from 2016 to 2017. The Met said although crime rates were rising, they remained at a much lower level than five years ago. Scotland. Yeah. Registered annual rises across a number of serious offensive category, Offense. Offense categories in the past 12 months. Okay, all right. I don't know what I just learned there. I have no idea. Oh, and then on the side, they have Blind MMA Champion takes on a new takes on new fight. The American who fled gay conversation in Africa. Everybody just has clickbait. Mum's bullying campaign leads to honesty. Honesty App Banned. Immigration dominates Italian Election There's a decent story. Breakthrough breakthroughs take time to sell rare photographs that changed lives. Oh, boy. All right, what are we doing here? Okay, let's go back to whatever the fuck I was just reading. All right. A radiologist explains why a bullet from an AR15 is so lethal. Was anybody questioning? I just thought they kind of bounced off you. Okay. Hey, Bill. Love what you do, and you are an amazing asset to the community. Oh, you buttered me up. I'm definitely going to read this. I recently found this article from the viewpoint of a radiologist concerning the power of an AR15. You usually don't hear the viewpoints from people in the medical field. It's the viewpoint that makes this piece unique. And joy. All right, go to the. The page. Okay, here we go. What I saw treating the victims from Parkland should change the debate on guns. They weren't the first mass shooting victims the Florida Radio Florida radiologist saw, but the wounds were radically different. As I opened the CT scan last week to read the the next case, I was baffled. The history simply read gunshot wounds. I had been a radiologist in one of the busiest trauma centers in the United States for 13 years and have diagnosed thousands of handgun injuries to the brain, lung, liver, spleen, bowel, and vital organ organs. I thought that I knew all that I needed to know about gunshot wounds. But the specific pattern of injury on my computer screen was one that I had only seen once before in a typical handgun. Injury which I diagnose almost daily. A bullet leaves a laceration through an organ such as the liver. To a radiologist it appears as a linear thin gray bullet track through the organ. There may be bleeding in some bullet fragments. I was looking at a CT scan of one of the mass shooting victims from the Marjory Stoneham Douglas High School. I hope I said that right. Did I say majority earlier who had been brought to the trauma center during my call shift. The organ looked like an overripe melon smashed by a sledgehammer and was bleeding extensively. How could a gunshot wound cause this much damage? The reaction in the emergency room was the same. One of the trauma surgeons opened a young victim's in the operating room and found only shreds of the organization
- [82:55]
Bill Burr
that
- [82:55]
Bill Byrne
had been hit by the bullet from an AR15, a semiotic rifle that delivers a devastatingly lethal high velocity bullet to the victim. Nothing was left to repair and utterly devastating. Nothing could be done to fix the problem. The injury was fatal a year ago when a gunman opened fire at the Fort Lauderdale airport with a 9 millimeter semiautomatic handgun hitting 11 people in 90 seconds. I was on call. It was not until I had diagnosed the third third of the six fifths victims who were transported to the trauma center that I realized something out of the ordinary must have happened. The gunshots wounds were the same low level velocity handgun injuries that I diagnosed every day. Only rapid succession set them apart. And all six of the victims who arrived at the hospital that day survived. Routine handgun injuries leave entry and exit wounds and linear tracks through the victim's body that are roughly the size of the bullet. If the bullet does not directly hit something crucial like the heart or the aorta, the victim does not bleed to death before being transported to care at the trauma center. Chances are that we can save them. The bullets fired by an AR15 are different. They travel at a higher velocity and are far more lethal than routine bullets fired from a handgun. The damage they cause is a function of the energy they impart as they pass through the body. A typical AR15 bullet leaves the barrel traveling almost three times faster and imparting more than three times the energy of a typical 9 millimeter bullet from a handgun. And AR15 rifle outfitted with a magazine with 50 rounds allows many more lethal bullets to be delivered quickly without reloading. All right, that's. Yeah, it's a machine gun. I've seen a handful of AR15 injuries in my career. Years ago I saw one from a man shot in the back by a SWAT team. The injury along the path of the bullet from the AR15 is vastly different from a low velocity velocity handgun. The bullet. Okay, I get it, I get it. All right, so there you go. So there's that fucking viewpoint. I feel like all of a sudden doing like an NPR show here. Like there's nothing funny anymore. This is all AR15 stuff. All right, here's one. Should we move to California? Hey, Billy. Leprechaun. My girlfriend and I are sick of the winters in Ontario. Half the year it's cold, snowy and gloomy. My girlfriend and I fantasize about moving somewhere that's warm year round. Should we move to California? Is it all it's cracked up to be? Looking forward to seeing you in Kitchener in March. You know, the grass is always greener, the sand is always browner. You know, I don't think California needs anybody else to move here. It's really overpopulated and there's a lot of advantages to living where you're living. I been to Ontario a bunch of times. It's God's country up there. I know it gets cold and that type of shit, but the fact that you live where there's a water supply, you're not. I mean, if you want to just live in a constant state of drought. I always feel like when you live in Los Angeles, you're like eight years ahead of the curve as far as, like environmental disasters, because Los Angeles is an environmental disaster. It never should have existed. We had to steal water to be here. And they're building all these skyscrapers and, you know, it was kind of nice for a minute or a little bit. After those fucking banker cunts cooked the economy, a bunch of people left LA and now they're all being driven back into the city. And the. We won. We won the most congested city in the United States. And that's saying something. So if that's what you want to become a part of San Francisco is more expensive than New York City at this point. I gotta tell you, it's a breathtakingly beautiful state though, when you go a little north of where I'm at. And if you can appreciate the desert, it. Desert is also very beautiful. But to be living in it is a little unsettling if you read up on it. But, you know, I'm in the business I'm in, so I gotta fucking live out here. I don't know what business you're in, but I don't know. You know what I would do? I would just take an awesome vacation Every year with your girlfriend and just break up the winner. You know, take a week and like a weekend or like a week, whatever the fuck you want to do and just get the fuck out of dodge. Just break it up. That's all you really need to do. Because the trade off is, what you're going to be doing is now you're going to live in a climate where it's like people come here to go on vacation, to go out to, like Santa Monica. And so once you kind of live in where there's palm trees and shit, which are not indigenous to here, I've learned it's not really exciting to go to a lot of places. After that, you're like, oh, wow, this looks like where I live. You know, I actually get excited by the winner. It's weird. I don't know. I can't make these decisions for you. I don't know. I don't fucking. I don't pretend to know. All right, back to the gun shit. And this is the last time I'm doing the gunshit because I'm not just. This is not going to become the gun podcast. I just find people's opinions really interesting here because I don't, you know, I don't. I don't own guns and that type of shit. So I find it interesting. All right, Bill. I own multiple AR15s.
- [88:51]
Bill Burr
I hate
- [88:53]
Bill Byrne
that they are being used for mass shootings. Contrary from what you hear, their best for use is for hunting, mostly varmints, fox, coyotes, prairie dogs, etc. Now, Varmints is the proper word, by the way. You sending me. Sam ruined that word. That made it made everybody who uses the word varmint sound like a fucking moron. Let me look up the exact definition here. Varmints. Varmint, a troublesome wild animal. A troublesome and mischievous person, especially a child. An animal considered a pest, specifically one classified as vermin and unprotected by game law. Varmint hunting is the practice of huntering. I hate when they do this. A vermin, generally small mammals targeted as a means of pest control rather than for food. Varminter may refer to a varmint hunter or describe hunting. Okay, so this guy's using this correctly before everybody who, you know, you know, thinks this is Yosemite Sam riding it. They are extremely accurate and have very little recoil. I'm able to shoot holes in quarters at a hundred yards. Jesus, that's fucking impressive. They are very fun to take to a range and shoot with. That said, at gun shows and stores, there's a really sad culture of losers that talk about tactical situations like their real life. John Rambos. Yeah, they're basically like the fantasy football players, you know, acting like they know how to run a fucking football team. Except they're gun owners. They usually look like vermin. Oh, virgin basement dwellers. The thing a lot of people don't understand about the AR15 is that it's a modular rifle. Modular rifle. I buy them in parts and assemble them on my own. There's billions of billions of parts that would be available forever through private parties to make more rifles. They, they will never go away. We need to get more security in schools. There should be no way anyone should be able to walk into a school with the gun. Okay, so well then if you have a metal detector at the school, no one could get in with the gun, which sounds good, but then, you know, we used to fucking. They used to let you run around and play outside the school before you went in. So when the kid just show up there. All right, a metal detector on the bus. No, I actually agree with that. I think that that would be smart. Okay. There's billions and billions of parts. Google ruger mini 14. It mini 14. It does the same thing. Doesn't look scary. The problem isn't the guns. My guns will never be used for hunting humans in Minnesota, where I live to kill. Where I live to get parts or complete ars, you have to go to the county sheriff and get a permit to purchase card. They take about four weeks to get and have a pretty stringent background check. I think it would be great if the entire country had the same process. I think the second amendment is just as important as the first. I wish we could all have an honest conversation about it. I would say a calm conversation about it. The last one I'll read here. Fucked up country. Hey there Billy Strongjaw. Saw this on Reddit. It's a story about how a 15 year old girl with learning disabilities and severe ADHD got in prison for throwing apples at a mailman. Went to prison, was sent to prison, you mean. She continued to struggle with offers officers through the entire process and ended up doing five years until she hung herself after the first shitty prison transfer transferred her to a federal prison for women. Is this true? This sounds fucking crazy. They interview a girl she knew in prison who said she would talk back to the guards because she thought it was funny. The whole time she was in there she thought it was silly that she was in prison for throwing apples. Whatever side of the spectrum she's on she had the mentality the whole time she was in there. She had that mentality the whole time she was in there. At one point, they put her in this harness thing that is the most ridiculous, dehumanizing thing you've ever seen. As well as putting on a hockey helmet so she couldn't swing her head around while tied down because they didn't want her to be a danger to herself. It's at the 12:33 mark. I don't want to watch this. This sounds horrible. Anyways, I'm thinking, man, our country prison system is fucked up. Then they said that it was somewhere in Ontario. And let me tell you, Bill, Canada hides behind the shitty prime minister. Do good douche who just said the right thing all the time. Meanwhile, they had mental health protocol. Wait, meanwhile they had mental health protocol than anything I've seen in a duck. You mean worse? You kind of left a word out. Bought the US Prison system that I can recall. Fair enough. Oh, so Canada did all of this shit. Let me see here. Clicking on the link, what we've got here. I. I don't. I don't want to do. I don't want to watch. I don't want to watch that anyways. All right, well, there we go. So that's going to be the end of the gun debate on this fucking podcast. I don't know. I hope that people just understand that people who live out in the air, quote, middle of nowhere, you know, like how they're living and how they have to defend themselves is different than you, like living in a city, You know, and then they can also go out and hunt, and they know how to hunt, which is a, you know, probably the most important skill you could have, you know, if the shit hits the fan, the fact that you know how to fucking go out and get something to eat without going to a supermarket. I don't know. I don't know. I think, Avery, listen to all of you guys. There has. We just have to have a better system of I don't know how to do it. How do you. How do you make sure. How do you make sure that crazy people don't get guns? So then regular people who just want to enjoy them and fucking hunt or just shoot up a bunch of shit or whatever, or they just don't trust the government, which I don't think is paranoid, considering what has been done to our food supply, the pharmaceutical companies, bankers, insurance companies, how they just kind of are able to do whatever the fuck they want to do. And if you really look at A lot of the shit that they've done to this country, it's. It's acts of terrorism that a lot of terrorist groups would fucking jerk off to, okay? Poisoning the food supply, you know, making Americans sick, cooking the economy, all of that type of shit. Putting shit in the water supply. I mean, that's. Those are all terrorists. That's shit the terrorists fucking jerk off to. So I understand why people would not trust their government at that fucking point. I don't know. I don't know what. All I know is that after a while it gets overwhelmingly depressing and I don't know what to do about it. And. And that's it. I'm gonna go play with my kid and go play some drums. That's it. God bless all you. God bless all you responsible fucking gun owners out there. God bless all you people out there who feel like if we just get rid of all of them. Yeah, you know what? God bless everyone and go fuck yourselves. Each and every one of you. Those of you who have guns and those of you who don't. All right? This has been a fucking moron who tried to get to the bottom of something and he failed miserably. I'll check in on Thursday and I gotta start watching some Bruins games. I gotta figure this out, okay? Every morning I'm watching Puppy Dog Pals and Vampirina with my daughter. Maybe I can get her watch a little. Maybe, just maybe I'll just start watching the first period. That's better than no period, right? I don't know. All right, I'll talk to you on Thursday. Sa.