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Monday Morning Podcast
Dolls, Forgiving People, Online Shopping | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-25
02:34:38
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- [00:00]
Bill Burr
Arc Raiders, everybody. Thank you to Embark studios bringing us their new game Arc Raiders. A multiplayer extraction adventure video game set in a lethal future earth. Explore an immersive post apocalyptic world scarred by conflict and reclaimed by nature.
- [00:18]
Bill Byrne
A living surface where weather, enemies and.
- [00:21]
Bill Burr
Shifting conditions heighten the constant threat of.
- [00:24]
Bill Byrne
Arkansas communities are forced below ground to survive. Jesus, this is amazing.
- [00:31]
Bill Burr
Scavenge survive thrive in a new extraction adventure Arc Raiders. Available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X S and PC. Rated T for team.
- [00:43]
Bill Byrne
Hey, what's going on?
- [00:44]
Bill Burr
It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in, checking in.
- [00:53]
Bill Byrne
On you.
- [00:57]
Bill Burr
Just seeing how you're doing. I'm gonna check in on you. You think. You think the government's gonna check in on you, man?
- [01:06]
Bill Byrne
Check in to see how much you're making?
- [01:08]
Bill Burr
Hey, the more you make, the more they take, you know what I'm saying?
- [01:15]
Bill Byrne
They're not gonna check in on you. Am I really checking in on you? I don't know what I'm doing.
- [01:21]
Bill Burr
I don't even know what to fucking.
- [01:22]
Bill Byrne
Do with myself right now.
- [01:24]
Bill Burr
I.
- [01:25]
Bill Byrne
The World Series is over and, like, I got so fucking into it. I watched the last 14 Blue Jays games. I was just like, I'm just gonna root for these guys. And then you watch the whole damn thing. And now it's like over. And it's just like, now what am I supposed to do.
- [01:46]
Bill Burr
Huh?
- [01:47]
Bill Byrne
Face myself and all my demons? Nah.
- [01:50]
Bill Burr
No, no, no, no. Football, basketball, hockey. Here we go. Keep burying it. Keep burying it, dude.
- [02:00]
Bill Byrne
Push it down. Push it down.
- [02:02]
Bill Burr
It's about ready to come out during the holidays.
- [02:05]
Bill Byrne
That's how you do it.
- [02:06]
Bill Burr
That's how you do it if you're a man.
- [02:10]
Bill Byrne
I started to watch one of my. My second Celtic game this year. I don't recognize anybody on the team. We were playing the Utah Jazz, one of the uglier games I've seen in a while. We were shooting like 47 the first quarter, and.
- [02:26]
Bill Burr
The.
- [02:27]
Bill Byrne
The other guys weren't shooting much better. It was just. And they just. They just kept launching threes. I can't believe either one of the rims was still standing with the amount of bricks that were being thrown up. But I bet if I hung in there.
- [02:46]
Bill Burr
It's a game of runs.
- [02:48]
Bill Byrne
It's a game of runs, right? So I bet everybody got hot. Everybody heated up, and I probably missed one of the best games of the year anyway. Oh, Billy Jim Bod.
- [02:57]
Bill Burr
Billy fucking Jim bod.
- [02:59]
Bill Byrne
Down. £4 down £4. Went down a notch on the belt, too. I was sort of. I was a tweener.
- [03:08]
Bill Burr
I was in between on my belt.
- [03:10]
Bill Byrne
And now I moved down one. I got one more fucking notch to go down. And then, I don't know, probably to buy a new belt. You know, things. The things you have to do. The things you do for love. The things you do for love. Anyway, I started to watch a fucking. I watched this movie, the Vanishing. The original one incredibly disturbing and creepy movie, one of Stanley Kubrick said it was the scariest movie he ever saw. I would say maybe, like. Like, I don't think it's. It's scarier than the Shining, to be honest with you. The Shining scared the. Out of me. I don't know. And then last night, I. I started to watch. I'm gonna watch the Vanishing again. Just because there's all this stuff. When you go back and watch it, like a second time that they're laying in there is. Is amazing. And then what I was really excited about was there was a lot of French speaking. You know what I'm trying to say? It was sort of Dutch and French, and I understood so much of the French, so many of the words and all of that. It's really exciting. I swear to God, if I just had the time. If I could just fucking go over there. If I could go over there for three months, it would be over. I just was in it, you know, up to my eyeballs and croissants and crepes, I think I would have it. I got to get back over there again and do another gig. It. I think I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna go over there. That's what I'm gonna do.
- [05:13]
Bill Burr
What am I going to do? I'm going to watch some hockey.
- [05:16]
Bill Byrne
Basketball and football and, you know, I was still, you know, looking up stuff about that World Series. And now there's people, like, breaking down how the Blue Jays blew it and having it come down to one person, like, why, why, why. Why do people always. This. Nine guys out there, they had a hundred pitchers in there. Everybody who went up and didn't hit.
- [05:40]
Bill Burr
A fucking homerun to end it.
- [05:42]
Bill Byrne
Isn't that their fault, too? People always try to figure out, you know, why it all sucked. That is one of the. That is one of the biggest fucking wastes of time in your life. When shit doesn't work out, to go back in a negative way to try.
- [06:00]
Bill Burr
To figure out why.
- [06:01]
Bill Byrne
All right, who do we put this on? You know, I mean, I Guess growing as a person, if something, you know, doesn't work out for you, you got to go back and think about what, what you did wrong. I understand that, I guess. But you know, with sports, people always want to put it on one person. They want to put it on one person so then they can take all of this that they haven't dealt with and then fucking put it on that person, which I totally get. After that fucking comedy festival. Here's something I saw. You know, I read, I read French newspaper, I read this French newspaper every day. I try to read the front page, as much of it as I can understand. And people were outraged. There was some company that makes like sex dolls, these super realistic looking sex dolls. And they came out of a. With a line of them that look like kids, like under 10 years old. They're like commoditizing pedophilia. So obviously people were like freaking out. So I can't imagine, I can't imagine what some of these people, you know, if you're upset about a comedy festival, I can't imagine what the. You're gonna have to say about. My guess is going to be absolutely nothing anyway. Now why don't the nerds unleash the bots on that thing? Why don't they do that? It's kind of funny that they didn't, right? What does that mean? Who are the bots protecting and what are they doing? Like, do they own a piece of that fucking sex doll company? How the fuck did that conversation go? Just, I just, Just one fucking time. Can somebody just press record in the conference room? When you're making a decision on the how do.
- [08:13]
Paul Versi
How do you talk around it?
- [08:18]
Bill Byrne
You know what? They. Instead of calling them kids, they probably call them, you know, we have, we have a new line of compact models.
- [08:31]
Paul Versi
There you go.
- [08:31]
Bill Byrne
Yeah, anything that's of any doll that looks of legal age to bang is called a full size. And then teens are their mid size. And then you have the comp small, medium and large. And then you go in there like you're ordering a cappuccino at a shitty coffee shop. All right?
- [08:55]
Bill Burr
Because if anybody knows anything about coffee, there's only one size for a cappuccino. And there's only one size human being, you bang. And that's on the other side of.
- [09:10]
Bill Byrne
The legal age, you. So anyway, if you like me, if you live some life, if you've lived some life, people have disappointed you, people have upset you, people have hurt you, you've hurt people or whatever. So if you're like me, you just hang on to the hurt, and then it turns into anger and resentment. And then, you know, you. Every time you beep your horn, rather than just beeping at somebody, you got to hold it down for at least 30 seconds. That's. That's how it, you know, tries to get out. And so it was actually this morning I was having a cup, cup of coffee and some overnight oats, which were fantastic. I'm eating like that guy that, you know in the old Grape Nuts commercials. That's why I have breakfast. You remember those things. The guy would be out on the back porch in the bathrobe and have a bowl of Grape Nuts with like, fruit inside of it, which we always thought was hilarious because nobody, nobody took the time to slice up fruit, you know, unless your parents were immigrants. But if they were real, if they.
- [10:21]
Bill Burr
Were real, real American heroes, they don't have time to cut up fruit to put it in your cereal.
- [10:30]
Bill Byrne
They would. Yeah, I remember, like looking and going, look at this. Look at this guy. The guy's jacked. He's outside. The bears are afraid of him. He's probably got some hot piece, Asian side, right?
- [10:42]
Paul Versi
He just looks.
- [10:43]
Bill Burr
He's.
- [10:45]
Bill Byrne
You know, sort of house, a frame, log cabin. Fucking I know how to fix. They were selling you all on that, right? I've been eating like that lately, minus the A frame, minus the jackboard. Still have a pretty. You know, my wife is easy on the ice, let's put it that way.
- [11:15]
Bill Burr
When you're in love with the beautiful woman, Dr. Hook.
- [11:21]
Bill Byrne
Anyway. Yeah, so I've learned that, like. So I was sitting there today, you know, as I'm continuing my journey of trying to get this anger out of me. Like, I feel like I cut down the tree and now I just have this stump. And I don't have that stump remover thing, you know, I got like a shovel. So I was reading this whole thing on how to forgive people, and you cannot believe how much work it is. It's like, wait a minute, you're gonna me over and then I. And then I have to do all of this work or else I'm gonna be fucking angry.
- [12:03]
Bill Burr
And.
- [12:04]
Bill Byrne
And then other people aren't going to, like, they're not going to like me because of the shit you did that's now on me. And then I'm angry and I come at them in a fucked up way. What? That's how this show, dude, it was like A, B, C steps. And then there was three things to do in each one of them. And I'm going to give it a shot. Going to therapy now. So I'm just going to make a copy of that, and I'm going to be like, all right, here's how you forgive people. How do I do this? And then I'm just going to take out this scroll and just let it fly and be like, these are all the people that I feel in my head me over in the last 57 years. And each and every one of them still lives on inside of me. So how do we. How do we rectify this situation? Anyway, I was at my daughter's soccer practice yesterday, having a great time watching the kids play. I'll tell you, kids in California can play soccer, man. There are some. You know, I feel like when I went down there, there was a lot of, like, multilingual families, and soccer is the biggest game in the world. So, like. Like, these kids are just. I don't know. I feel like all their parents play, like, even, like the moms, if the ball gets kicked over, like, they don't just kick it back. They do a little something with it and then they send it back. And I'm like, all right, I. I've never been in this world. There's some really, really good players. And my daughter's hanging with him, so it's making me really proud. So afterward, you know, she wants to go get something. She wants to go buy, like, Starbucks or something. She goes, dad, you don't drink Starbucks coffee, right? I said, no, it's garbage. And she said, why is it garbage? I go, I don't know. It's like they don't care. So anyway, I'm waiting to make a left to go into this thing, and this is just sitting there with, like, three car lengths to let this person go by. And now I'm just.
- [14:28]
Bill Burr
I. Now I'm.
- [14:29]
Bill Byrne
I'm blocking traffic. They would just pull up one car length. I could get behind him. And I'm all upset because this person is just in their own fucking world and doesn't realize what they're doing to my life. And I am beside myself that this person has the audacity to not consider me. You know what I mean? I'm doing one of those things. Stupid, right? So I started go, look at this fucking guy. To dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. And then I just said to my daughter, I just said to her, I go, you know what? I'm flipping out again. She goes, yep. And I go, do you deserve this? She goes, no. And I go, no, you don't so guess what I'm going to do? And she goes, stop. And I go, yes. And then we both laughed. And that was it. There you go. So, you know, I'm like the Bruins. I'm getting some wins here.
- [15:22]
Bill Burr
I'm turning it around.
- [15:24]
Bill Byrne
We're. I'm rebuilding the franchise, but I'm seriously going to do that. I'm going to learn how to. How to, like, forgive people. And one of them is then to have. You got to have, like, a boundary.
- [15:35]
Bill Burr
The one.
- [15:35]
Bill Byrne
The part I like the best was it with, like, if you choose to continue the relationship, there has to be a boundary. And that's the part I like. It's like I. No, I don't choose to continue the relationship. And that is the boundary off. So anyway, I just gotta. I gotta figure out how to let this go.
- [16:06]
Bill Burr
And with that.
- [16:10]
Bill Byrne
I'm getting ready to do some road gigs here. I got some road gigs coming up. And you know what? I might just say it. I might just say it and go back to Paris. Why the not? Why the not? What else am I gonna do? You know, I'm becoming a fancy man here. I'm learning how to speak another language. I'm watching the Criterion Channel. Criterion Channel is like, as I keep saying, Criterion Channel. If you're not familiar with it, it's Cinemax for smart people. All right? There's still nudity, there's still plenty of violence, but the gorgeous way that it is executed in these movies, it's beautiful. You don't feel filthy, you don't feel bad watching it. It's very artistic. As opposed to that smut they got going on. And I don't even know what Cinemax is anymore. But when I was a kid, you know, smut, Cinemax was the closest thing to free online porn that you could, that you could even. That you could get to late night Cinemax on the weekends was definitely where it was at. If you ever wondered where it was at in the white suburbs in 1983. Cinemax, 11:30 movie, Friday or Saturday night. That was where it was at. You were going to see Bush. And I don't mean the band. Oh, sorry. Anyway, I know this all sounds ridiculous to anybody under the age of, like, 45, but it was a big deal. It was a big deal in the 80s, in the 80s. All right, everybody driving down the street here, patching this podcast together, okay?
- [17:55]
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- [18:01]
Bill Byrne
That's why I'M so excited.
- [18:03]
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- [18:31]
Bill Byrne
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- [18:38]
Bill Byrne
Oh Jesus.
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Bill Byrne
Excuse me.
- [20:14]
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Bill Byrne
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- [20:59]
Bill Burr
Arc Raiders everybody. Thank you to embark studios bringing us their new game Arc raiders. A multiplayer extraction adventure video game set in a lethal future earth. Explore an immersive post apocalyptic world scarred by conflict and reclaimed by nature.
- [21:16]
Bill Byrne
A living surface where weather, enemies and.
- [21:20]
Bill Burr
Shifting conditions heighten the constant threat of ark.
- [21:24]
Bill Byrne
Communities are forced below ground to survive. Jesus, this is amazing.
- [21:29]
Bill Burr
Scavenge, survive, thrive in a new extraction adventure, Ark raiders. Available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X S and PC. Rated T for teen.
- [21:42]
Bill Byrne
Anyway, I got a bunch of shit I got to do, but I'm getting inspired though. I was sitting there by myself having breakfast, my overnight oats and my coffee and I was just going like, all right, what are we going to do? What's the next move here? And I just googled how to forgive people. And now I feel like now that I've googled that, like the ads that I'm going to be getting, you know, remember those stupid pictures that they sold? A million of them. You guys don't remember this shit? It was these weirdo fucking pictures of kids and they had these giant eyes, you know, I got to get you the names of these. People used. And people used to fucking buy them. They were the creepiest, the creepiest goddamn photos. I'm gonna look this up. Big eyed kids artist. Here we go. The artist famous for big eyed children paintings is Margaret Keene.
- [22:52]
Bill Burr
No, that's not her.
- [22:53]
Bill Byrne
That's. No, those aren't the ones. No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not. No, fuck you.
- [23:02]
Bill Burr
Before that, before that.
- [23:03]
Bill Byrne
You know what I mean? Before Nine Inch Nails. I'm going ministry. See, 1970s, these things were fucking weird. They keep showing me that same lady. I don't know, they were. They were upsetting. I don't even know why I'm. Yeah, I've been saying I'm gonna get fucking ads. It's to see if I want to buy those. Which by the way, I started my Christmas shopping and I've kind of given into the fact that like just about every store is closed now. Like pharmacies are closing. Like Duane Reads are Closing out here and within those Duane reads is thrifty ice cream. That the greatest generation, the baby boom generation, they go in there and they get ice cream. You know, they come in there with those big white sneakers with the Velcro things and they get themselves some pistachio ice cream. And now what are they supposed to do? Because you're too fucking lazy to get off the couch to go down and buy a tube of toothpaste. Now these old people can't go in and get their ice cream. Where, where they were they supposed to go some artisan place now and get two scoops what they used to pay for, for a pint. I mean, this is the kind of shit that politicians need to address.
- [24:25]
Bill Burr
All right?
- [24:27]
Bill Byrne
I feel that if you fought in wars and you paid into the Social Security system for over 65 years, you. There should be a pharmacy near you where you can walk down and get yourself an ice cream for a couple of bucks. I don't think that's asking too much. I think that that's a nice, you know. You know, thanks for playing. That's kind of what you get at the end of your life. If you haven't built a life of friends, loved ones or whatever. If you just sort of like it were in the rat race, it just spits you out the other side. Like, all right, thanks for playing. Just send you out the side door. The side door of life. Standing in the alley. Now what? Now what? You just hear the beeping of a cardio machine or whatever, Cardiograph, whatever, whatever. The cardiomyopathy. What do you call those, those little things when you're laying in a hospital bed, the original craftmatic adjustable bed. That's when we really got fat in this country, when they started selling hospital beds for when you're at home and you're not even sick so you can sit up and eat that bowl or whatever and not have it fall onto your chest. I think that that's, that's when you really know that there's something going on with you that you're, you know, you're not aware of. There's some sort of deep sadness when. Within you. When, like whatever concoction you made in your kitchen. And then you climb into your bed and you set the bowl of sadness down on your little end table. And as you're taking the ride up to 45 degrees, just like in that moment, because you can't start eating, because you can't watch the show, because you have to wait for this eight second ride in those eight Seconds, you have this moment of self reflection of what has happened to me. And right as that sadness and that profound moment starts to take hold, the bed stops. And then you just reach over to wherever that bowl of salt or sugar to get you ramped up, right? And you binge watch a series. That's what you do, but maybe that's what you should do. Like, I don't understand God. Like, he just makes people and horrible things happen to us. And then you spend the rest of your life trying to get that pain out of you, you know? And if you don't, I guess you failed. Whatever this, whatever the meaning of life is, I guess you failed. And then you sit across from the guy who made the pedophile or whoever made the alcoholic mom, whatever the. You had, right? And now he's going to look at you and be like, that's what you did with your life. You just ate ice cream and binge watched TV shows. You're like, hey, man. Like, I. I wasn't hurting anybody. And then God looks at you like, yeah, but you weren't helping anybody either, were you? What about the creators of the show? That. That doesn't fly here. See you. And then he sends you down to hell. So anyway, speaking of hell, I started Christmas shopping, and I have all of these ideas, so I'm like, you know what? This. I'm just gonna do it online like everybody else, right? So I go to go online. I got a friend of mine, I went to get this person a gift certificate to the Criterion Channel, and it took me almost a half an hour to get it done. Creating an account, coming up with the password, typing the password in. The password doesn't match.
- [28:39]
Paul Versi
Ba, ba, ba, ba ba.
- [28:41]
Bill Byrne
Selecting the fucking thing. I did an E and E gift card so I could email it to the person, but they still wanted the person's address. I'm like, I'm not giving you that fucking address. So I just gave him my address again. And it was just like, I absolutely lost my mind. And then what I loved was I had no way of knowing if the person got it afterward. It's like, I just gave you 100 bucks. And like, I. I have.
- [29:10]
Bill Burr
There's no receipt.
- [29:10]
Bill Byrne
I don't have the thing, order status. And it just said delivered. My question is, what. What if it isn't? Then I went and I wanted to get, you know, my son, he's been watching hockey with me. Said, dad, I want to watch the hockey. He likes it. He wants to play hockey and everything. So I'm like, this is fucking amazing. So I want to get him a Bruins T shirt. I look up Bruins merchandise.
- [29:39]
Bill Burr
I click on it.
- [29:41]
Bill Byrne
It's a bunch of bullshit. I realized I'm not on the Bruins website. Some nerd figured out a way to make sure that if you search Bruins merchandise, that. That. That this fucking stupid website would come up first. Was on that one for seven minutes before I realized that I get off of that one. Then I go to the NHL one. All I want to do is get my.
- [30:02]
Bill Burr
All I want to do is shop for Christmas.
- [30:05]
Bill Byrne
I just want to fucking get him a T shirt.
- [30:08]
Bill Burr
And all the cool ones are sold out. And all these ugly ones.
- [30:13]
Bill Byrne
That's.
- [30:14]
Bill Burr
Every size is available. It's like, I know what the fuck you're doing. I know what you're doing. You're not sold out. How are you sold out? I'm going directly to the fucking manufacturer. You got a whole fucking warehouse full of them. But you're just gonna say that they're sold out because you want to push this other merch?
- [30:35]
Bill Byrne
Not available. Not of a.
- [30:36]
Bill Burr
Everything I looked up was not fucking available.
- [30:38]
Bill Byrne
But all the ugly bullshit that nobody wants to buy is available. And what they wanted was me to go into a panic and be.
- [30:50]
Bill Burr
And just fucking click on it. Well, I didn't.
- [30:55]
Bill Byrne
I didn't click on it. I yelled at my computer. I walked around the house and yelled about it to myself instead. And I got nothing done. And it is now November 5th.
- [31:14]
Bill Burr
Oh, Jesus.
- [31:19]
Bill Byrne
It's so stupid. It's so. The whole thing is so dumb. I. And every year, it sneaks up on me. And this year, I was just like, I'm going to get this done, and I'm going to have. I'm going to have it done by the end of November, and I'm going to have all my gifts wrapped and ready to go, and that's it. And then the day after Thanksgiving, I'm going to go out and get my Christmas tree. Bing, bang, bang, boom, right? November 24th. I'm celebrating seven years of no. Oh, Jesus.
- [31:56]
Paul Versi
I'm back.
- [31:57]
Bill Byrne
Sorry. Got a phone call. Anyway, so that. That is my goal. Then I get the Christmas tree. I set it up and. What was that fucking. What was this shit I drank? Wasn't Wild Turkey. It was something really good. Dude, my stomach is growling like a motherfucker. This is what happens when. When you fucking. You eat fruits and fucking overnight oats. You're, like, hungry, like, 20 minutes later. The fuck was I talking about? Yeah, I'm gonna get this shit done. I'm gonna get this shit done. I'm not fucking doing it this year. I'm gonna get the family photo for the Christmas card and I'm just gonna get this shit done. Doesn't this sound fun? The excitement of the holidays. Anyway, I kind of know the shit that I want to get people. I don't know what to get my wife. I gotta ask my lovely wife what she wants. I'm gonna figure that out. But my kids. I got my son fucking Lincoln Logs. He's into like architecture and like that. I swear to God. He likes looking at how stuff is built and all of that. Cars and stuff. So I might regret it though. I have a bad feeling. Like I got, and you know, of course I got him like the one that's like, like 50 bucks and has like a thousand pieces. I'll tell you what was available, linking logs. Lincoln Logs are available, Legos are available. But any, any of that other bullshit that everybody wants. I don't know, maybe there's a lot more stuff available than I thought. Maybe just the first two things I clicked on. I struck out and then I just flipped out. That's probably, you know what, that's probably what happened. All right, that is the podcast, everybody. I don't even know what to tell you. I'm fucking, I, I, I, I gotta like, I gotta do this shit. I gotta figure out how to forgive all of this stuff from my past so I stop yelling at people in a Starbucks fucking line like, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing anyway? All right, that's it. Enjoy the weekend, ya cunts. And I will check and I will.
- [34:31]
Bill Burr
Talk to you on Monday.
- [34:38]
Bill Byrne
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 6, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing? No, really, seriously, are you okay? I've been thinking about you. Is there anything worse when you don't want someone to like, you know, if you don't want to talk about your fucking troubles. And then there's that overly caring person in your life that notices them and they're like, you know, what's going on with you? I'm cool, I'm good, I'm good. No, seriously, you seem, there's, I'm just picking up something on your energy. What do you mean? Fucking Star Trek. Yeah, you're reading my mind, you know, I mean, you're right. I don't need you as a non fucking psychiatrist walking around my brain. Everybody thinks they're Fucking qualified because they watched a couple episodes of Dr. Phil and he makes it look so easy for the simple fact that the man does not give a shit, okay? He's there for one reason only, all right? It's for the who is after the show, you know, that's why he has that fucking angry. Ever seen a guy helping more people with such, like a fucking angry look on his face? You know, I got the Chiefs fucking Cowboys game on in the background. How many times does a special team fuck up a free lunch when the punter kicks it right down to the one yard line? And they're just the worst. The guy fucking did it. Everybody wants to be the guy that does it. And then they fucking fumble the ball into the end zone. And what happens? The punter takes the hit.
- [36:21]
Paul Versi
And.
- [36:21]
Bill Byrne
And rather than him having a 41 yard fucking average for the game, it moves down to 38, right? And the second they see that three, all of a sudden they want to move you to another team. Nobody ever looks at the nameless cunts that run down the fucking field. The wedge breakers, all of them, right? The guys that nobody has talked about since John Madden stopped announcing games, they go down there and consistently fuck that play up. This has nothing to do with NFL special teams. This has nothing to do with people asking me, how are you doing? Is everything good? You look good. But I sense his sadness. It's just like, can you just. Can you just fucking let me sit here? All right, wait, I'm ready to talk about this. It's like, this isn't yours to talk about, right? Anyways, can I say anyways one more fucking time? My last podcast, I left you, I was at the Surf Ballroom, right? Chantilly lace and a pretty face A ponytail hanging down a wiggle and a walk and a giggling a door. I was there.
- [37:37]
Bill Burr
Make the world go wow, wow, wow.
- [37:41]
Bill Byrne
And the next day, I was flying Air Choice 1 to Chicago, and then I was taking another puddle jumper up to. What the hell was it? Milwaukee, right? So me and Dean Del Rey, we show up, we had like the greatest fucking night ever. We stayed at this hotel that was designed by Frank Lloyd Webber. Amazing hotel. So we drive up to the airport. The airport, the Mason City airport is just one of the great, greatest thing ever. I'm going to upload some pictures. You walk in this, there's probably 12 chairs for people in the waiting room. You go through this little security area. I love little airports, little mom and pop airports. I get up there, Dean checks in, all good. I go to check in I'm on the 925. I land in Chicago o'.
- [38:32]
Bill Burr
Hare.
- [38:32]
Bill Byrne
I have a little, you know, a little layover. And then I'm going to go up to. Then I'm gonna go up to the. You know, up to Milwaukee, right, for my seven. What I thought was a 7:30 show turned out it was at seven. So I get in there and the lady behind the counter goes, you're not flying until 5:25. And I was like, ha. That is impossible. I won't be, you know, I won't be in Milwaukee in time for my show. She goes, well, according to this, you're on the 5:25. I go, oh, all right. Well, is there room on the 925 so I can switch flights? She goes, no, I'm sorry, that's sold out. So immediately, you know me with my temper. I go, oh, so what? So what? That one sold out. So you bumped me to the next flight? And she just. She just stuck her hand out. Like when your dad used to say, cool it, right? She just stuck her hand out and she just goes, hey, we don't do that here, right? Starts fucking giving me shit back and start saying that I screwed up. I mean, like, what do you mean? I. How do you know I screw up? I got a confirmation number. I got all this type of stuff. And she goes, we don't do that. I go, okay, so you guys never mess up. You never mess up. This is on me. My travel agent never screws up, right? And we're going back and forth, back and forth, and she starts fucking yelling at me. And I'm, you know, I'm keeping my voice. I'm definitely, you know, definitely on my toes, but I'm not yelling. But she's yelling at me. A raise in her voice. And finally I just said to her, I said, lady, why are you yelling at me? Okay? I'm the one who's getting screwed here. Your shift ends at whatever time it ends. It's no skin off your back. I'm not yelling. I'm not swearing. Why are you swearing, Right? I'm not yelling. Why are you yelling at me? She got all pissed, and I was just like, jesus Christ. I thought people were friendly in Iowa. That's what I heard, right? So now I have to get a fucking rental car and I have to drive from Clear Lake. You know, I called my people up. Everybody's trying to figure out what the fuck's going on. So now I gotta rent a. I gotta rent a goddamn car in Clear Lake, Iowa. And I have to drive from Clear Lake, Iowa, all the way to Milwaukee, which is gonna be nothing but fucking cow pastures, you know what I mean? I'll tell you what's amazing, is that anybody could crash and die in Iowa. That's what I took away from this fucking drive. Because all I see is it's just a giant. It's just a giant field, you know? Sorry. Anyways, so I call up my travel agent, we go to fucking figure out. I don't know what. I don't know what happened, but it turns out it was somewhere on my end somebody fucked up. So I walked up to the lady and I said, listen, I apologize. I actually apologized to her. I just said it was somebody on my end. Where can I get the rental car? And then I just had to fucking deal with that shit. And the stupid thing said it was a five hour something minute drive. And I just got in the fucking car and drove like 80, 85 the entire way. I averaged 79 miles an hour. That was with no stops, no, no getting gas. But you know, whenever a truck gets in the left lane and tries to pass up a hill, that fucks the next 20 minutes of your life out, you know. But anyways, ended up making it there. My apologies to the lady, you know, who could have been a little nicer. You know, I think I brought it out of her.
- [42:08]
Sponsor/Ad Reader
All right?
- [42:09]
Bill Byrne
But I will tell you this, okay? You know, people tell me how friendly everybody is in Iowa. I'm telling. Until you question what it is they're doing. Then all of a sudden they get their backs up or I met one of the few angry people out there. I don't know, slipknots from Iowa. That's not exactly happy go lucky music, is it? So I fucking drove all the way into Milwaukee like a maniac because I wanted to get to my favorite hotel in the United States of America, which is the Pfister Hotel. I swear to God. It's called the Pfister. It's the last name of this family. It's spelled P F I S T E R. If you are ever in Milwaukee, that is where you stay. You stay at the Pfister. All right? It was Guido. Pfister had the idea for it and his kid came through with it. You know, this was the 1800s when his last name was Pfister. All right, Somehow they say they were German, but his first name is Guido. I mean, is it Feister? All I know is, as far as I know, I think fisting had died down in the 1800s. So you could have that as a last name. But I believe in Roman times, according to, like movie. As movies like Caliglia, that was going on, but now with all the sexual harassment and evidently all these fucking lunatic perverts slash rapists in Hollywood, I love that they're acting like this is specific to Hollywood. That's something they do all the time. Like, if there's like an NFL player that gets busted for domestic violence, they go, what is with these athletes beating women? And it's like, that's not it. This is just a microcosm of the. Just a little sample of humanity. I would actually be willing to bet that there's just as many plumbers out there that get accused of domestic violence as football players or whatever. It's just that plumbers don't sell out football stadiums. There's not a giant plumber stadium to see, you know, a first ballot, hall of fame, plumber, plumber, sink. So nobody pays attention. So everybody gets to act like, oh, it's going on. It's in Hollywood. It's over here. Like, they always notice what people on television are doing. You know, I mean, look at Bill Clinton. I mean, you know, okay, this guy comes on a fucking fern, he's blowing a load on a dress, which is standard. I guess that's more. That's more pedestrian place for your jizz to end up. You know, if you're gonna sit there in court, you know, and your lawyer's gonna be going, all right, this is gonna be a little bit of an embarrassing day for you there, buddy. They're gonna bring your jizz in and, you know, but it's on a dress. So I'm willing to bet that a number of people, you know, that are in the jury at some point have splooged on a dress. You know, at very least one of their own T shirts. You know, let's not forget about tube socks. But that, you know, that goes without saying, right? It's. But then, you know, if you're on trial and you. You did it into a plant, you know, that's a little weird. A plant is different than, you know, if you outside. Outside, because then you're just outside. But a plant, that's just really specific. Yeah. I thought Hollywood was green. I thought they gave a. About the environment. Anyways, I don't know what the. I'm talking about. So. Yeah, it's. It's an unbelievable. Like this hotel. You. You could have shot the Shining in there. I mean, that in a good way. Not in the creepy way. Because as creepy as that movie is, that is a beautiful hotel. And it's basically, I'll upload some pictures of that too, but it's like literally something that Stanley Kubrick could have filmed one of his masterpieces in. And also they have the greatest, sickest death defying steam room in the country. I know all this is really sounding bad. Pfister steam room, trust me, it's all above board. It's just if you go there, this is how it works. The steam comes on for seven minutes. You're gonna be in there either for 20 minutes or a half hour. If you get the half hour one, it comes on for seven minutes, okay? And it's literally like a steam pipe broke and I had to get underneath the towel. Because what you want to do is just let all that steam come in. You got to tough it out for seven minutes, all right? Because it's not going to come on again until the final seven. If you got the 30 minute one, 20 minutes, it never comes on again. So as hot as it gets, you got to know that that steam has to last for the entire time that you're in there. And there's a shower, there's like, you got your own private place and there's a shower down the end of it. So this, the first day I went in there, I fucking. I opened the window a little bit because I couldn't take it anymore, and then I closed it. When it started to die down, I realized I let all the steam out. And then four minutes later, it was borderline chilly in there. So I was like, fuck, I screwed it up. All right, so tomorrow when I get there, I'm just going to tough this shit out, right? And I was under a towel like four and a half minutes in, literally.
- [47:42]
Bill Burr
Going, ah, ah, ah.
- [47:46]
Bill Byrne
And I just couldn't take it anymore. So I was like, don't open the window. Run to the other side and turn on the shower, right? It's like an overhead shower and you have it on cold. And I went over there and it was like half a degree not as hot like the steam. I ran by the steam thing and my fucking legs felt like. I actually understand now what it feels like initially when you're on fire because you know what you want to do, but you can't do it because you're too busy hopping up and down. So I'm literally hopping up and down. I want to turn on the shower, but I had to, like, I was reacting to the pain, going, ah, Ah, fuck.
- [48:25]
Bill Burr
Ah, fuck, fuck.
- [48:27]
Bill Byrne
And the Handle was right there. And I just kept reaching down, patting at my legs rather than just reaching over and turning on the thing. So finally, I had to block out the pain for, like, 0.2 seconds, reach over and turn on the fucking thing. And of course, the last person that was in there left it on hot after, you know, the steam was over, and they took a hot shower, so it came out hot.
- [48:49]
Bill Burr
And I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- [48:52]
Bill Byrne
Turn it back down to get it down to cold. And I just stood there for the final three and a half minutes. Dude, it is no joke. And the half hour was done. Like, I walked out of that thing, and I was, like, breathing heavy. I was coming out, like. Like coming out. I was fucking all red, right? So I go out into the way, you know, Then you cool off for, like, 15 minutes, and you're just sitting there, and you are. You're not thinking about anything. You're just sitting there totally relaxed. You feel fucking amazing while in the back of your head going, like. You know, I don't know if that was healthy or not, right? So then I go out of the steam room, right? The lady comes back and gets you. And I go to the waiting room, and Bartnik is already there. And he just looks at me and he starts laughing, right? Because I'm all fucking red. I got the shaved head. He goes, dude, you look like the Flash. Which is hilarious, because when I looked at myself in the mirror, I mumbled out loud, like, I look like if Hellboy and Jason Voorhees had a kid. Is that the name of the guy from fucking Friday the 13th when he. You know, when he comes up out of the lake? Not when he pulls the mask up. All right, I'm not that ugly, but I'm just saying. And we just sat there just, like, drinking water and everything. And, you know, I gotta be honest with you, two days in a row of doing that. The next night, I had two shows at the Riverside Theater, Just a magical fucking place that is. And the comedy crowds in Milwaukee, they're unbelievable. I cannot say enough good things about that city. It might be my favorite city in the country. And I had two shows. And, like, after I got three quarters of the way through my first show, and I was feeling, like, dehydrated. Like, I was like, after two days of that level of intensity, I was like, I really should have crushed a bunch of waters here. You know, Virsey told me he drank a Gatorade and was talking about electrolytes. You know, he's like, you gotta do that. Get the electrolytes going. And I vaguely remember seeing on the Internet that electrolytes really isn't a thing. That's just something that Gatorade came up with. So let me look this up. I mean, I don't want to challenge Paul Verze's medical degree, but I don't know if electrolytes. Is electrolytes a thing? Here Are electrolytes. Fuck you. What? There's a Y in there. There it is. Are electrolytes real? All right, now, there's all kinds of electrolytes, but the most important ones are sodium chloride, potassium. Oh, they are real. I thought that that was like, something like, you know, rather than. When it's not a diamond, they call it a diamel. You know, genuine diamels. Like, what the fuck is a diamel? Well, it's like a diamond, except it's not worth anything. Oh, I'd like one of those. I thought an electrolyte is what the F is. An electrolyte is Gatorade the real deal? All right, everybody loves Gatorade, so let's talk about if it's fluff or actually, good for you. All you hear about is rehydrate this and electrolyte that. Is it for real? Your body has a balance and has an ionic solution. Boring term. Don't worry about it. I want to know what it is. Wait. And has ionic solutions called electrolytes that keep your body muscles and nerves functioning properly. Your kidneys exist to help keep your body in balance by regulating the fluids and electrolytes in your body. Yeah, they filter. They filter the fluids in your body.
- [52:50]
Bill Burr
Right.
- [52:50]
Bill Byrne
I thought it was just literally the liquids that you ingest. Isn't it unbelievable that I don't know how the body works? I mean, not that you guys think I'm smart. I know you know that I'm dumb, but you would think that if you would know how that would work, right? Your kidneys make. Oh, God, I hate this word. Your kidneys make pee. I hate when adults say pee unless they're talking to a child. Like, do you have to go pee? Pee? When adult says, I have to pee. I can't handle it. All right? I got to go to the bathroom. Just say that. All right. Your kidneys make, you know, piss. That's disgusting, though. Piss is crassed. Pee is like, you know, you got to walk it off when an adult says that to you. Have you ever a guy say that to you? Hey, can you pull over here? I have to pee. I mean, he might as well have just given you like a back rub. Maybe it's not that bad. Anyways, they basically filter your blood so you can get rid of waste products like urea and ammonia. Ammonia. Somebody trying to kill me? The fuck did I get some ammonia? I really need to know how this shit works, shouldn't I, as I'm heading into my 50s? By the way, drive for my 50s. I'm not going to drink until I'm 60. I've decided that I made that decision. I know, I know. I'll never make it. Anyways, when you are dehydrated, your kidneys make your pee as concentrated as possible, possible to keep water in the body. Okay, what does that mean? When you are well hydrated, your kidneys let more water leave with the waste. Now, there's all kinds of electrolytes, but the most important ones are sodium chloride, potassium, biocarbonate, calcium. Right here. This is me in high school. I'm not passing this class the second the teacher's writing this on the sodium chloride, potassium. Stop writing biocarbonate. Oh, that's over. And phosphate. Your kidneys have specific transporters to regulate the concentrations of each of these electrolytes in your blood. You know what, I'm going to ask Paul tonight? And I'm going to ask him, I'm going to set him up. I'm going to say, paul, did you really feel better drinking the Gatorade afterward? He's going to be like, absolutely 1,000%. And I said, what does it do? Replaces. What does it replace? And he's going to say, electrolytes. And I'm going to say, paul, what are electrolytes? And I guarantee you there's no fucking way he's going to be like, you know, it's the. It's the shit in your system, you know, so you don't get like, leg cramps. You'll immediately have to go to the NFL and think about people like legs cramping up. That has to be a name for that because I do that all the time. Like, you can. You can give an informed answer while still not knowing what the you're saying. It's like, what's his face? Tony Romo said, this guy has a high football acumen. And I'm like, what the hell is that? The is a high football acumen. And acumen is having good judgment and quick, I don't know, quick decision making in a particular field. So it's kind of insulting. You know what I mean? He's saying, like, you know, he could be still Saying, this guy's a fucking moron. But if you get him on the football field, like, he knows this shit. He's like the Rain man when he gets out there, right? So now that he said high football acumen, all the mouth breathers that watch sports like myself can, you know, you understand, there's like, I don't know what the word is. Like, you have the rhythm. You know where to place that word without actually knowing, without being able to give a definition. The only reason why I could give a definition, because I looked it up, because I never heard it, because I want to make a joke on Twitter about it, right? Like, dude, it's his acumen, kid. You're going to start hearing that in sports bars and then you can. You can replace high football. You can just any subject. He has a high gardening acumen without ever looking up acumen, you know, you could just. Just keep replacing the. Whatever. What is that? The subject here's a high serial killer acumen. So I feel electrolyte is one of those words where you just keep watching the Gatorade commercial and it's telling you that it's helping to replace electrolytes. And, you know, and then enough times, you're just like, yeah, you know, you're just repeating the advertising. You know what the fuck it means. Like, I know that Gatorade is thirst aid for that deep down body thirst. I don't know what thirst aid is. It's aiding your thirst. Or is that just all one word? Gatorade, thirst aid. You know. You know, like when rappers do that when they want to make something rhyme and they'll just take the. The suffix of another word and they just do fucking ten words in a row like that. And you just want to be like, I always want to be all white in that moment. Like, Excuse me, Mr. Mc. Those aren't words. Those aren't words. You're inventing words. It's weird because I know what they mean, but those aren't words. You will not get credit for that rap. I'm sorry. Well, not in my cul de sac, you won't. Well, that's no reason to get angry. Anyways, let's finish reading this. This is actually fucking interesting to me. How much? I don't know. Your kidneys have a specific transfer to regulate the concentration of each of these electrolytes in your blood. When you work out, you sweat. Yep, four years of college taught me that. This kid's trying to be funny. When you work out, you sweat. When you sweat, you lose fluids. And electrolytes, especially sodium and chloride, which is why your sweat tastes salty. Now, when you're lacking fluids and electrolytes, your muscles suffer. And you put. Yes. It's basically like a car leaking oil. Let's talk about why Gatorade or any sports drink works. Water will get into your bloodstream faster when it's part of Gatorade, because water flows. Follows electrolytes. Gatorade has electrolytes, so it has salt and shit in there. Chloride, potassium. I know potassium's in like bananas, but I thought chloride was, like, some shit that either cleaned your clothes or that sounds too much like chlorine. Like, that seems like that would be poisonous. Calcium. Calcium deposits on your teeth. I don't know what calcium is. Calcium's in like fucking broccoli. Phosphate, I would think phosphate is like. You know, when you turn the car on your garage, carbon dioxide and phosphate get into your system. Well, actually, a high. A too high level of any of these electrolytes could prove fatal. Theoretically. What your body is, is a symphony of balance. I'm not passing this class. When you work out. All right? So I think I kind of know what the fuck this shit is. Well, I guess. I guess it's true. I didn't think it was. Jesus. Wasn't that a long, boring trip down to fucking nowhere? Anyway, so I get to Milwaukee. I finally got to see the Bronze Fonz. You know, Happy Days took place there. I took a picture that I'm gonna tweet out later today of how Richie and Fonzie are finally back together again. Before every cunt on Twitter goes, oh.
- [60:35]
Bill Burr
Yeah, you fucking look like Ralph Malf.
- [60:37]
Bill Byrne
I'd say more Ralph Malf. Laughing my ass off by myself at my own joke that I wrote with my thumbs. I finally went to the Harley Davidson Museum. Jesus Christ. You gotta do that. You gotta do that. This is how great Milwaukee is. I actually told people in Milwaukee that I wasn't gonna tell people how great it is, but I kind of have to, because it's fucking amazing. Because most people won't listen anyways, right? All the yolo douches, you know, they're gonna go to Chicago, maybe, you know, go to a Cubs game, you know, their popped collar or whatever the fuck it is they do. But they're gonna go to. They're gonna go to the party cities. If you're in your 20s, you're not going to Milwaukee, right? I don't know what they do. Wherever these fucking DJs play, that's where they go when they go into Vegas, they go into Miami. They go to one of those places right, where the bass never stops. Bam, bam, bam, bam. They have the Harley Davidson Museum. They have my favorite fucking beer. The Miller Brewery Company is right there. You can take a tour of it. I wish I was drinking. I would have done that. Because they get you, like, you know, borderline shit face before you leave. And they got the Riverwalk. Next time I go out there, I'm going out there during the. During the summer. Milwaukee is basically Chicago with like, you know, fucking half the population. All the same stuff, all the same great views without the traffic. I love it. Then I. The. Oh, Brian, the Monday morning Photoshop gentleman is from out that way, and he fucking let us know about some spots to go to. And it was. He told us about this place, Vanguard, which makes these fucking brats and sausages. And they were just. Next level. They were the best sausages I've ever had. All right, to keep with the homoerotic theme of this podcast, right, we had the Pfister Hotel. We had a steam room, and now I'm talking about sausage. And evidently, this is my favorite place to go. So, hey, maybe I'll come out like Kevin Spacey. I just got to make sure I, you know, I can't eat. Yeah, this just. This. This is a very thin fucking line to walk there where the comedy exists at the end of the day, you know, it's just. Jesus fucking Christ, what is going on? Anyways? Where else. What else do I want to talk about? Yeah, so we just had the best time. And me, Versi and Bartnik just kept saying that, like, I fucking love this city. City is awesome. And I don't say this about a lot of places, but I. That's a. I could literally live there. My big fucking thing, though, is I'm just really sick of living where my sports teams aren't. You know, I've been behind enemy lines as far as being a sports fan goes since 1995. And, you know, recently I went back to Boston. I remember I went back with the fuck. I think I went to a Bruins game or something. Yeah, I went to a Bruins game. That's right. I did one day on a. So when I did. I did one day on a movie. I can't remember. I can't remember when the. I was there. I went there during hockey season. That's what I remember. And I went to a Bruins game, and I'll never forget. I looked out the hotel window and all I saw was a sea of Bruins jerseys. And I was just like, oh, my God, I forget what this feels like. And that's the one thing that I don't know. That would be the only thing other than I don't know if I could exist in this business living there in Milwaukee. But I don't know. It's fucking fresh air. I like it. I. Fuck. I don't know why. I have no idea. All right, Bill, we get it. We get it. All right. Let's read a little bit of advertising here for. Oh, you know what? Fuck that. Let's talk about the fucking Iowa Hawkeyes beating the fucking shit of the Ohio State Buckeyes. What happened? The Buckeyes had that huge win last week against Penn State. I saw Jay Lawhead at the All Things Comedy fucking Festival, and the man was literally floating, floating across the goddamn room. The man simply could not believe it. Couldn't believe his good fortunes. He was saying, that was probably the most impressive win of the college football season, and you would be very hard pressed to come up with an argument different to differ, you know? And then a week fucking later, they absolutely shit the bed again. I mean, they got the shit kicked out of them if they didn't do that dumb fake punt, whatever the hell that punter was doing. That would have been like 55, 17. They just shut him down in the second half. It was unbelievable. And then Penn State loses again, too. So what does that mean? What does that mean? Meanwhile, Wisconsin's fucking undefeated, and everybody's gonna be like, well, there's fucking nobody. There's nobody on the West. We got Michigan, we got Ohio State. We got fucking Michigan State, we got Penn State. It's like, right, well, you know what they got out West? They got the fucking Iowa Hawkeyes. How cool did that stadium look? Whenever I watch Iowa, Right, Play football, I don't know why I always think back when I liked Iowa when I was a kid, because it was a running back, Ronnie Harmon, that I really liked. And I brought it up to this guy when I was on the plane taking the puddle jumper over, and he brought up how he fucking fumbled four times in a Rose bowl or some shit. And I had no idea that I didn't even know that happened. And then there was this whole fucking scandal trying to say that he fixed the game because he had, like, never fumbled ever. And then he fumbled four times in the first half. I don't know, maybe it was just a bad time to have a bad game, but I never knew that about him. But he had a great NFL career. Rush like 8,500 yards, almost 10,000 yards. Played like 11 years or something like that. I don't know. Anyways, I'm getting off the beaten track here. Let's do a little advertising here. All right, it's time. Oh, here we go. Oh, zip. Oh, that's right. I got to promote this. I am going to be in New York City, okay? And I will be doing a special secret, top secret show that I'm not even promoting on my website. I'm just promoting here on my podcast. Unless, of course, we don't sell the place out. Then we'll open it up to everybody else. But this, this is your reward for listening to my podcast. All right? I'm going to be at a new comedy club that's in New York City. It's called the west side Comedy Club. And you can make, I guess you can get tickets at their website, which is w. They're not. They're not live yet, so relax. All right? They're going to go live Monday, November 6, which should be the day you're listening to this, even though I'm taping it on the 5th. Monday, November 6th, at noon Eastern time. And I will be performing at the Westside Comedy club on Sunday, Nov. 12. So tickets go on sale Monday, Nov. 6, and the show is at 8 o'. Clock. It's Sunday, Nov. 12, at the West Side Comedy Club, which is at 201 W. 75th St. And I think that's it. All right, so check that out. It's a perfect sized place. It looks awesome. It's right next to the Beacon Theater. It's a little 100 seat thing. I'm going to be doing about 40, 45 minutes, trying out some new shit, fucking around, having a good time, you know, keeping the hour tight. And that's it. It's a couple friends of mine that are owning and running the club from my days way back. We're going back to like the Boston Comedy Club and that type of. So anyways, check that out if you got a chance. And is that everything that I want to talk about? I think so. Can we go into the questions for the week? How long into this podcast? Oh, 39 minutes. Okay, that's perfect. That is perfect. I think I could run my mouth for another dude. What the fuck was LSU doing against Alabama? I know it's Alabama because they dropped more goddamn passes. They actually had a highlight reel of them fucking up passes, blowing opportunities. I'll tell you. I gotta be asking myself, how good is the Alabama Crimson Tide considering They're playing in a much weaker SEC than we've seen in years. Who knows? But I'll tell you why they're great, because even though that they were winning easily against LSU for the most. For most of the game, Nick Saban was still getting pissed, screaming and yelling. He knows. He knows. He sees enough drop passes. He's like, well, if they caught that and they caught that, you know, this game could be this. You don't get credit because they dropped it. You get credit if you knock it down. Then he feels like we're playing good defense. That is why. That is why. That guy's the shit. But it will be interesting to see because a few weeks ago, it looked like Penn State was world beaters. Now they've lost two in a row. Ohio State looked like they were coming on. Then. They got the living shit. They got the living. There was alive shit in them, and it was kicked out of them. They got to feel a lot lighter after that this past weekend. All right, let's. Let's do a little questions here for the rest of the podcast, all right? Plastic surgery. All right, Bill, I watch your specials every single day. Jesus, dude, take a break. I appreciate it, but, you know, at some point you're going to start hating me and it's not going to be my fault, all right? I have a wonderful time and I laugh to the jokes as if I've seen them for the first time. I live in China and YouTube is a bitch here. LOL. Wow the fuck out of here. That's amazing. Good luck waiting for your new stug. S T U G G. I don't know what that means, but hey, what's up, person from China? When I was training to get my pilot's license, I flew with a bunch of your countrymen who came over here, barely spoke English, and then learned how to fly a helicopter. It's one of the most amazing things ever, because I don't think I could go to mainland China, right? You have an instructor. My buddy said to me, I go, they don't understand English. How do you. How do you communicate? And he said, they understand tone, which is what I would understand if I was over there and this guy went screaming at me, all right, all right. Don't do what I just did. Got it. All right. JFK files. Oh, Billy. Root beer float. Oh, I love a root beer float. I love a root beer float. I never get them because I don't want to be a fat fuck. Oh, the cowboys throw a pick six. Wow. Oh, that wasn't Was that a pick six? No, it wasn't. They didn't throw a pick six. That was actually an offensive play. Why did that guy look like a cornerback to me? Is Kansas City going to do it this year, everybody? Is Andy Reid finally going to bring a team to the promised land and hoist the trophy? It's up in the air this year, which once again, look how bad the fucking Giants are. I don't understand how you have a coach, how you have a gm, how you have these guys in place that got you trophies, trophies, super bowl trophies, plural. And you get rid of them. It's like the Red Sox with fucking Theo Epstein and, you know, fucking Terry Francona. We get rid of those guys, and then literally, there's a World Series with Theo Epstein's Cubs and Terry Francona's fucking Indians last year. You know, I just don't understand it. It's almost like morning radio. Like, morning radio is another thing that I watch, and I just see these great shows, and the two hosts end up inevitably hating each other, and then the great show goes away. And I'm not just talking about the one that I did. It happens all the time. And I think that that's just what happens. It's nobody's fault. It's just. I don't know, the same way. You know, after a while, you're like. Even though you have shirts, you want a new shirt. I think people do that with, like, relationships. And that's what's so fucked up about marriage, is it's that same goddamn shirt. As much as you're looking at your wife going, that's that same old shirt. You gotta understand, you're a fucking old shirt, too, all right? And the two of you have to hold on to each other until God takes you to Goodwill. All right? Jfk. So stupid. All right, JFK files. Old Billy Root beer float. Oh, God damn it, I love a root beer float. I'm sure you have heard that the JFK files or some of them have been released. And as a fellow conspiracy theorist, I thought this might interest you. They're not going to release anything. If somebody else really did it and they actually know who did it, they're not going to be like, all right, I think it's safe to tell you that the guy who really did it was not named Lee Harvey Oswald. His name was Larry Fucking Whatever. The Larry Fellowship. In one of the files, the CIA states that it planned bombings in Miami to kill innocent people so that they can blame it on Fidel Castro. Now that there is undeniable proof that the CIA isn't above killing innocent innocents to get their way. Does that change your views on any other conspiracy theories? I know how much you suck at reading, so I attached the link with the actual snippet of what I'm talking about. Yeah, I mean, I'd have to see that. That was, you know. You know what's interesting? I just clicked on that and all of a sudden I'm not. I'm not hooked up to the Internet. How weird is that? I was hooked up into the Internet until I tried to look at this fucking thing. Now I've basically taken your word that that's actually what happened. If that is in fact the case, okay, we could develop a communist Cuban terror campaign in the Miami era, in other Florida cities and even Washington. The terror campaign could be pointed at Cuban refugees seeking haven in the United States. We could sink a boatload of Cubans en route to Florida. Real or simulated? What the fuck? Real or simulated? In other words, they own enough, they could just say it happened. And how do people know it didn't? We could foster attempts on lives of Cuban refugees in the United States Even to the extent of wounding an instance. What? Even to the extent of wounding in instances to be a. To be widely publicized. Exploding a few plastic bombs in carefully chosen spots. Well, it doesn't seem sound like they're going to fucking kill fellow Americans. I think that they're going to kill Cuban refugees here. Exploding a few plastic bombs and carefully chosen spots. The arrest of Cuban agent and the release of prepared documents substantiating Cuban involvement also would be helpful in projecting the idea of an irresponsible government. Yeah, none of that's surprising. I mean, is that really surprising if you just sort of fucking pay attention and just. Even. Just even remotely try to read between the lines. Yeah, we're not as good as we act like we are. But I'm also not going to then glorify Fidel Castro like he was this fucking saint. But, you know, I don't think it's crazy to say that, you know, we were more upset with Fidel Castro not because he was, you know, a communist. It was probably more because he wouldn't let us develop his country the way we saw fit. And by we, I don't mean the average fucking person walking down the street. I'm talking about the corporations. And I don't think that that policy has changed. And I'm not going to get on a fucking stump here, But I don't think that that has changed at all. And. And currently that philosophy has bankrupted this country. And I don't know what's going to happen. And that's all really heavy shit. And I, you know, I remember reading something that J. Edgar Hoover allegedly said, even if they do figure out it's so fucking overwhelming and depressing, they won't want to think about it. And that's where I get to. So I just go to Milwaukee and I get a brat and I have a good time and I be the dancing monkey that I am, and I just hope that the lie is able to sustain itself. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know. Yeah, so that's great. So that's why I kind of backed away from conspiracy theory, because. Because you don't want to be right even remotely. So anyways, let's get out of there. Oh, let's. Let's talk robot granted citizenship. Oh, my God. Out of the frying pan into the frying fire. I would love to read the declassified CIA file on fucking what the hell they plan to do with robots. I mean, there's no way that they're not talking. Like, I always joke how they never discuss the population problem. They absolutely do, but not to the general public, because it would freak them out. Because I think at that point you realize how overpopulation populated we are and how expendable you are. I mean, that's how I would feel. You know how many stand up comedians. I mean, for the survival of humanity. Do you really need another one? All right. Robot granted citizenship. Greetings from Austin, you illiterate piece of shit. All right, well, hello. Hello to you and your fucking overpopulated fucking city. Keep it weird. Shouldn't keep it weird. You should keep it weird by fucking preventing more people from moving to that great place and ruining it. I ran across this the other day and thought of your podcast. They gave a robot citizenship. Her name is Sophia and she was acknowledged as a citizen in Saudi Arabia. You know what? That's fucking great. That's fucking great. Because what they just did was they ended their country. That's over. The second is a robot. It becomes a citizen. That is beginning. That is the beginning of the fucking end. The beginning of the fucking end of your goddamn. Wait, was that a special teams fucking touchdown? I don't know what's going on. Anyways, that's the beginning of the end of your country. And considering from what I've read that these terrorist groups for the Most part are funded through Saudi Arabia sending money, funneling them through mosques. I think that would be a good thing, you know, now if we could just stop trying to build Starbucks over there and just fucking come home, you know, just walk away from it instead of being that degenerate gambler sitting at the fucking blackjack table waiting for the cards to turn around. All right, so they did this. Not exactly the best spot for a female human. Oh, Saudi Arabia. Maybe they will be nicer to robots. Okay, this is scary. How goddamn creepy is that thing? I know this will freak you out, Bill. Just fast forward to any point where the robot is talking. Yeah, I watched it. You guys got to see this video. And I love how the journalist acts like he's asking these hard hitting fucking questions, as if these questions weren't written out for this fucking sellout human piece of shit, which is what you have to say now. This human sold out other humans to this non fucking human life form.
- [81:40]
Bill Burr
What the fuck are we doing?
- [81:44]
Bill Byrne
He actually says, well, how do we know that we can trust you? Or something? Like, how do we know you're not going to. Blah, blah, blah, like just like a. Like a comedy team just lobs the setup over. And then the robots, like, you're watching too much Elon Musk and Hollywood movies and everybody's like, oh, it made a joke.
- [82:03]
Bill Burr
Oh, I see.
- [82:04]
Bill Byrne
It's friendly. It's like it's not a person. It doesn't have a heart. It doesn't have a fucking soul. That is a programmed fucking response, all right? And they're going to have it have all these facial expressions to make you feel fucking comp. That is. That thing is our replacement. Without a doubt. Without a doubt. And I definitely think the robots are going to kill us. I don't think they're literally maybe going to kill us, but I think they will kill us off the way the car killed off, you know, the horse as a mode of transportation, which was probably cool for the horse because he's probably sick of us being on his back, right? But I don't think it's going to be cool for us because we will become obsolete. We will be the human version of a cassette tape when all the kids want ipods and the kids will be basically whoever employs the CIA. All right, There we go. Whoa. Isn't this fun? Isn't this fucking uplifting? How about those Kansas City Chiefs? Bread and circus. All right. Hot girl and coffee shop. I like the sound of this already. Oh, Billy Boozeless. That's right. Billy Boodles. Boozeless. 80 days will be 81 by the time you listen to this unless I go off the rails tonight. Big fan of your stand up and the podcast. All the way from Glasgow, Scotland. Sorry, I'm yawning. All the way from Glasgow, Scotland. I'll cut to the chase. Glasgow, Scotland. That's where ACDC recorded there. If you want Blood Live album, right in a venue that doesn't exist anymore because I tried to find it when I was over there. I'll cut to the chase. I'm a 23 year old guy who has recently graduated from college and moved down to London about five months ago to start a new job. All right. I am enjoying life in my new surroundings and the girls down here are of another planet compared to back home. However, there is one, there is one, there is 14 in particular who has caught my attention and I'd like your advice on the best way to ask her out. The lovely Nia's advice is welcome. She probably have a better idea of what to do here than I would. But she's not here as I'm in Green Bay, Wisconsin right now. All right. She works in a coffee shop near my work and she is immense. Easily a 9.3 10. I never have a problem with women, but 90% of the time I have had a few beers in me at the time and my confidence is at its peak. Can you give me any advice on how to ask this girl out? Giving that. It's a small copy shop in full view of the general public. We had some chat. Oh, that's good. So I was going to say go in there and start talking to her and I'm 80% sure she's into me, but I'm shitting myself in case I get the rejection and there's around 30 people there to witness it. Dude, fuck those other 30 people. What you have at your fingertips is a great story. No matter what happens, you either possibly meet the love of your life, right, settle down, have kids together and live happily. Happily ever after, or you have a hilarious fucking story. Dude, fuck that. The worst she can say is no, who gives a shit? Oh, dude, I'd ask her out in the middle of the meal, you know, just to make the awkwardness even further. Just steer. Who gives a fuck? Fuck that, dude. If you can chat up women, it's not because you're drunk. It's because you got rid of that stupid voice in your head that says that you can't. You obviously can't. Alcohol doesn't make you talk to women, all right? It doesn't make you talk to women better. What it does is it gets rid of your fucking fear so you can actually, you know, perform. This is like some fucking John Daly shit. Like, he used to have a couple of chorus lights so he'd relax more, hit the ball further. I'm not saying to go in there shit faced. Fuck. I got to go back to this Kansas City touchdown. It was a pass. Sorry. Anyways, yeah, dude, I just go in there. Dude, fuck this. You're the man. She works in a coffee shop. She's not splitting atoms. All right, Just go in there. All right? Just go in there, Bill.
- [86:31]
Paul Versi
Just.
- [86:32]
Bill Byrne
Just not even like, fucking try to walk in. Like, you're the man. He's some badass dude. Just fucking, like, block out that voice. Anytime you hear that voice, it's gonna go great. Make her laugh, you know? And when she said, would that be all? Just ask. Ask her for a number, dude. You know, you should ask fucking Joe Derosa one time. I was with Joe Derosa. You want to talk about Guy Fearless? I was with Joe Derosa one time. We went out to breakfast and the waitress came over, you know, and he's kind of checking her out or whatever, and we fucking eat. We were eating our food, and he goes, what do you think of that waitress? I'm like, she's cute. He goes, yeah. He goes, I think I'm gonna ask her out. And she comes back to the table like, will that be all? And he fucking asked her out right in front of me, right? And she gave him his number. Now, if she shot him down, not only. It's like that story would have left. It's not like he would just be like, with you with a bunch of strangers. I could have sat there and laughed at him, which I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have laughed at him. But he. Maybe he would have thought that I did, and he didn't give a fuck. So I think you go Joe to Rose on this one. All right, listen, what is the deal? You're attracted to her. You want her number to ask her out. All right, so fucking do that. That's what you want. That's the same way you handle your career in life. What do you want to do? Go do that? Who do you want to be with? You know, that's a different thing because they have a say, but you got to ask. That's it. So I don't know. I don't know what your deal is. If you're a funny guy, whatever your Deal is, I don't know, whatever you're doing, it seems to be working because you're feeling a vibe like she's into you, all right? So just stop listening to that voice going like, oh, my God, what happens if this happen? Hey, what happens if she says yes? Think about that. All right? There you go. All right. Mixed race relation. Oh, Jesus. I love when people think I'm an expert on this just because, you know, it's literally if I fell off a bed. Hey, Bill, you just. You fell off a bed. I need some advice on falling off a bed. I don't know how the hell I ended up in this relationship. I just met her and I liked her. I asked her out and I couldn't get rid of her. I didn't want to get rid of her. Every time I ever thought about breaking up with her when I was like, all in a panic of, holy fuck, I've been in with her for three months. Oh, my God, the pressure, the pressure. All this pressure I was building up on myself. I would always picture her walking out of my apartment. Then even in the fantasy of getting out of the relationship, I would always run out to go back and get her. And then it took me about a good, oh, seven, eight years to realize, Bill, that means because you love her and you don't want her to leave. All right? Hey, Bill, you fucking alabaster bastard. Alabaster bastard. You alabaster. Why don't you do that? Hey, Bill, you fucking alabaster. I'm also a white guy who has just started going out with a smoking hot black chick. I have no idea what she sees in me, but who gives a fuck, right? She makes me happy and I seem to be happy make her happy too. So it's all good until you go outside. So on to my question. As someone who's in a successful quote mixed race, I don't know why it's in quotes. Mixed race relation. I wonder if you have any insights or gotchas that might help my relationship last. Make my relationship last. And do you still experience any casual racism from the mouth breathing morons? I'll spell check this message and be careful to use correct punctuation too, so hopefully if you do read it, you won't sound like a preschool toddler auditioning for Sesame Street. Thanks for the podcast. I listen to them every week and go fuck yourself. I love how the punctuation is my fault. Still. It's still my fault. I'm the victim. Do I have any insights? Yeah, this is my insight is that you two people are different than me and my wife because you're an individual, all right? So, you know, it's not like. Well, when. Like, it's like when you watch the Discovery Channel. Well, when dealing with the hippopotamus, there's an aggressive behavior when it's partly cloudy. My advice is if you're with somebody and they make you happy, stay with them. They don't break up with them. That's it. All right? And if you're in that situation right now and you want to break up with somebody, don't use the holidays as an excuse, all right? Just get out now. Just get out now. I'll actually tell you. It's better to do it right before the holidays than after, okay? Because as much as you're gonna fuck up their Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, the new year comes. And with the new year, they'll be like, you know, I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm just gonna get. Forget about. It was the worst year ever. You know, if you fucking wait till after the holidays and then, boom, their year starts, you just fucked up their whole next year. Because people think in calendar years for whatever reason. All right, so getting back to you, I mean, what do you want me to say? Let's start listening to fucking Jay Z? I will tell you this. When it comes to that shit, there is a still, stay in your own lane kind of thing. Just because you're with her, don't start saying. Don't start using the expression woke. You know, I guess I can't give you advice. There are things like that. There are things like that that no matter how much she loves you, you will immediately turn into an annoying white person. And yes, racism doesn't magically go away because the two of you are now together. But I will be honest with you. It's just like if it wasn't racism, it would be something else. You know, I kept talking about Chicago and Milwaukee and they kept booing Chicago. They didn't like Chicago. So it's like people. People don't like their next door neighbors. They don't like the people they work with. You know, football teams don't like coaches and GMs that won them Super Bowls. So if it wasn't that, it will be something else. And who gives a shit what other people think? You only go around once and you should be with the person you're supposed to be with. That's what I think. All right? So have fun. Enjoy yourselves. And that's it. All right, first breakup. Hey, Billy. Pink dick. I don't know. What is that for? Some cancer thing. Been listening to your podcast. I don't know what that means, but that's funny as hell. But listening to your podcast for a couple years now and could really use your advice. I'm a 22 year old college senior and recently have gone through a breakup. That's great. You got it done before the holidays or. She got it done. We dated for six months and it was great. She was my first girlfriend and my first love. She was even the first girl I ever had sex with. All right, so you knocked. Checked it all off. But as we neared six months, I began to worry about committing to a long term relationship. When I've never even had sex with another woman, my dick got cold feet. Rightly so. Rightly so. Because as a guy, if you're thinking that shit, you're going to eventually do it. So why hurt her anyway? So long after. So after a long talk, we decided to break up. I thought having sex for the first time was tough, but breaking up for the first time is horrible. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. I can't seem to get out of this funk. It's really hard not to miss her. What advice do you have for someone going through their first breakup? My friends and I have gone to a bar only once or twice since and none of us have any game. We stand around the corner of the bar looking like meerkats. That's hilarious. It's the last quarter of the game and I'm down 10 points. I could use a motivational speech from coach Ginger Pubes over here. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right, we obviously have a sense of humor. Here's the deal, dude. My advice when you're going through a breakup is rather than doing the guy thing and trying to block it out like it isn't happening, go through the sadness of it, all right? Don't cry in front of your friends. But if you got to cry, cry it out of you. It's actually a healthy thing. Crying is a healthy emotion. I finally figured that out, you know, when I haven't, you know, cried in almost 50 fucking years. So now it's like no longer, like. I don't know, it's like a room that I walled off. I mean, literally, a friend of mine has to die. I have to be at a fucking funeral. You know what I mean? But anyways, don't run from the pain of it, okay? That's what women do. Women, when they fucking break up they don't fucking run, right. For the most part. They don't run right out and get into something else. They stay home, they watch sad movies. They listen to sad fucking. They listen to sad. Oh, my God. The Chiefs just did a potato sack race celebration dance. I was actually rooting for them this year. I was like, yeah, it'd be cool to see them maybe win it. You know, the Patriots are as mediocre as they look. And I gotta say, fuck that whole franchise, if not the whole state. I'm glad the St. Louis Cardinals moved. I'm even going to take St. Louis down. That was the. That's one of the worst things I've ever seen. Now, of course, show it again. What if. Remember like the Duncan contest, when people just. Out of ideas. It's enough already. Just spike the ball like Gronk and go back to the sideline. Oh, boy. Oh, Jesus, I gotta walk that one off. You know when you gotta have like a fucking separate meeting with four of the teammates to get your end zone dance together. I mean, just. I don't know. Anyways, yeah. What women do correctly is they. They, when they're sad, they allow themselves to be sad. If they have to cry, they allow themselves to cry. And you actually feel better after you do that stuff. It's when you ignore it and you push it down, it becomes this fucking weight in your channel chest or this ball of shit in your head. You broke up with somebody and you're sad. So I would be sad. And then as far as going out to a bar, you know, I mean, I don't know. How do you learn how to throw a football? The first time you throw a football, if you don't throw a tight spiral, do you just never throw one again? You keep doing it and it gets better. You got to go out there and we used to fucking. We. Oh, man, we used to go to this place. Daisy Buchanan said, I guess there's a legendary meat market on Newbury street in Boston. And we used to, we used to just fucking. You went in there like. It was almost like a stand up comedy thing where you just went up and like deliberately tried to bomb to make your friends laugh. We used to go in there and just. Any dumb fucking thing we could think of as we just kept doing it and doing it and doing it and it stopped being the way we got over the fear. Because it is. The fear of rejection is fucking brutal when you're young, right? So what we did is we would hit on some chick while our other buddy could hear it. So if you started bombing and she wasn't in it, you could then just switch over to trying to make your friend laugh by making even more of a fool of yourself. And then all of a sudden, rejection became funny. It didn't become this like, oh, my God, is there something wrong with me? I want to run out of here. Dude, you're young. You're 22 years old. You know, you. I don't even know how to say it. It's just like I would hit on every cute chick you saw. You know, I'm not saying to go out there and be a fucking man whore, but you're single. And I mean, college life, that's like the greatest fucking nightclub ever. Everybody's single, everybody's young and good looking. I mean, there's no reason. That's not the time to be shy. Get over your shyness and just throw it out there and who gives a. Who gives a shit? The worst thing is that they say no and you keep coming back. How many times I bombed before I got to this level of being able to do my and dick jokes? All right, anyways. Oh, God, now they're just gonna keep showing the potato sack. They've shown it like three times anyways. Well, you know what? I'm not. I'm not going to be the crabby old man. Good for those guys. And I'm going to keep rooting for the Kansas City Chiefs because I know there's long die hard fans. They got that fucking great stadium. I'll walk that off and just say, you know what, Bill? The NFL continues to change and a new generation has come in and this is how they celebrate touchdowns. And don't be the grumpy old man. You should just give the ball back to the ref. I'm not going to be that guy. All right, great. Let's see a three legged race next. All right, God bless, God bless them, God bless DJ music, God bless the CIA and whatever they're doing with the robots. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday. I'm going to upload pictures of some of the shit that I did in Milwaukee and some of the Harley Davidsons and all that type of shit. And I know there was something else. Oh, the Fister Hotel. The unfortunately names Pfister Hotel. I'll upload all of that shit. All right, that is it. I'll talk to you later.
- [100:44]
Paul Versi
What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast with your host, Paul Bersey Bill Burr. We have Andrew Themless out there in Beverly Hills.
- [100:53]
Bill Byrne
And, guys, it is.
- [100:54]
Paul Versi
I am sad to report. We are, as a show. We are sad to report that our own Jake the Snake injury report guy got called to do something. We don't know where he is, but he will be back.
- [101:05]
Bill Burr
He's a healthy scratch. He's a healthy scratch. He sends his condolences, by the way. Dude, I just took. I just took a sauna. That's why my face is all red. I'm not ready. About ready to have a heart attack.
- [101:18]
Paul Versi
Well, you look better that. You look better than me. I just got off of an airplane. Anyway.
- [101:24]
Bill Burr
Well, let's. Let's be honest.
- [101:24]
Bill Byrne
We're.
- [101:25]
Bill Burr
We're a mess this week. No, Jake the Snake, My face is red. You just got off a plane.
- [101:29]
Paul Versi
No, I'm a mess this year because I'm 13 games back. But you. You, my friend, you always give me props when I'm killing it. Usually around this time, I got to give you props. Bill Burr is going on six weeks without going under 500. Dude. And he goes three and one again to get even against the book going into week nine or ten. Dude, that's.
- [101:53]
Bill Burr
That's my Billy. Win some, lose some. I'm 16. 16 and one. You're, like, not gonna win. You're not gonna lose with me, Paul.
- [102:00]
Paul Versi
No, you are.
- [102:01]
Bill Burr
The Thursday game last night, I gotta tell you guys, this shit. Oh, here you fucking. Thursday night. Fucking theory, division, rivalry. Thursday night game, north of five, five and a half points. Take the fucking dog. It's three days per preparation, simple game plans. Everybody's fucking hurt. Ugly game that was last night. That. That game last night was fucking atrocious. Was atrocious, Paul. They might as well had me out there. And let's. Let's not be crazy, but like, I had. I had the Raiders get nine points. Get nine points on a Thursday. Paul there. They just got done playing.
- [102:43]
Paul Versi
I walked out of the comedy club, I looked up and I saw, first of all, the uniforms on both teams were the best uniforms ever. And the game was terrible for everybody. Said it was a bad game. Yeah, but it's funny. You know, it's funny, Bill. You're winning, and you got a theory. Last year, I was winning. I go, this is the theory. But here's the thing. You're in the mode right now. You're gonna. You're Patrick Ewing.
- [103:03]
Bill Burr
That is. That is. That is a lock. I've won four or five games doing that.
- [103:09]
Paul Versi
Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't scare me like that.
- [103:13]
Bill Burr
It's a lock. Dude, I. You saw it on the text thread last night ago. Nine points division rivalry Thursday night. I'm taking it. Dude, I ain't talking shit, Paul, until I lose. In other words, I'll shut up next week. Oh, I've been waiting.
- [103:31]
Paul Versi
I've been waiting for this. You on the show for a year, at least couple years, dude.
- [103:37]
Bill Burr
Hey, my kids were. I can start. My kids are starting to watch sports now, which is great. They're asking questions. They get it now. My son's like, I want to watch the hockey. He likes hockey. My daughter, you know, I watched like I watched the last 14 Blue Jays games. So now she's all into baseball. Dude, I got them in the backyard. I start. They're right handed. I started them as lefties.
- [103:58]
Paul Versi
Nice.
- [103:59]
Bill Burr
So now my, my. My daughter's at school on both sides of play going. They're like, you left or you right? She's like, well, sometimes I do this, sometimes I do that.
- [104:09]
Paul Versi
Now, dude, you are. Bill Burr is carrying the anything better show. You are Patrick Ewing of the Knicks in the early 90s, just on the shoulder taking them to playoffs.
- [104:20]
Bill Burr
Well, dude, that. No, come on. Last four years, you would be. You would be up like six games. I'm. Dude, what it is, Paul, is I am. I stayed the same. I just started slow and then I had to come back just to get where the fuck I was. I'm still Billy. Win some, lose some. I'm not putting on that Blue Jays home, home run jacket that you hate so much. I'm not doing that yet. One last night. So I'm one and. Oh, already. So I'm happy we're taping this on Friday if you're watching.
- [104:49]
Paul Versi
I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, going into the week, winning that Thursday game feels good. Oh, speaking of that, I got to announce this on the show, guys, if you don't mind. Speaking of the Knicks, I am doing my. My new podcast that I do with iHeartRadio, Will Ferrell's company, Big Money Players and iHeartRadio, Paul's best podcast. I am getting John Starks, legendary New York Nick. John Starks is coming on my podcast this Monday live at Gotham Comedy Club for the New York Comedy Festival, 7pm One show. Me and John. I get to talk to John Starks this Monday night about the dunk on Jordan. I get to talk to.
- [105:28]
Bill Byrne
First of all, I just get to.
- [105:29]
Paul Versi
Talk to John Starks at Gotham Comedy Club. Tickets are available. Guys they.
- [105:35]
Bill Byrne
They.
- [105:36]
Paul Versi
John's people. This came in last minute.
- [105:37]
Bill Burr
Hey, he was in a second, dude. All those Knicks fans.
- [105:41]
Paul Versi
Well, I hope so. But anyway, if you want tickets, they are available Monday night, 7pm for the new York Festival at Gotham. Me and John Starks. I'm excited to talk to him, dude, because I'm just gonna be like, dude, like I remember where I was. I was eating a Twizzler. I was eating a Twizzler at my friend Vinnie's basement watching him dunk. And when he dunked and did that lefty, it was like a delayed reaction. Nobody could believe it. I'm gonna tell him that.
- [106:07]
Bill Burr
Oh, Paulie, full head of hair beating a Twizzler over vinny's house.
- [106:11]
Paul Versi
That's 100. 100 true. I had a Twizzler. We go. No, he just like. It was just that, that I was like, dude, I was like, literally.
- [106:21]
Bill Byrne
Oh my God.
- [106:22]
Paul Versi
94, 93.
- [106:23]
Bill Burr
I mean, that's the greatest. That's one of the greatest dunks in NBA history.
- [106:26]
Bill Byrne
And that.
- [106:27]
Bill Burr
And that is the greatest dunk in Knicks history. It's gotta be.
- [106:30]
Bill Byrne
And.
- [106:31]
Paul Versi
But you know what sucks is we lost the game.
- [106:34]
Bill Burr
No, don't go there, Paul. I want to talk greatest dunks, NBA and, And Knicks history. It's got to be that one.
- [106:40]
Paul Versi
It's got. It is. It is. It is.
- [106:44]
Bill Burr
So guys, if you're around Monday, Horace, Grant and. And Jordan. Jordan comes in late.
- [106:50]
Paul Versi
Jordan comes in late. It's Horace, Grant and Pippen are like close to underneath. And Jordan comes in, but he went like lefty. And if you watch it, if you watch it on YouTube, even the garden couldn't. It's like it takes like one or two Mississippi's for everybody to register what they just saw. And as he's running back, people are going ape. It's insane. It's insane. And you know Jordan, I'm gonna ask him. I'm gonna be like, did. I'm gonna ask him this. I'm gonna get John, did Jordan like, after you? Because they're friends, they golf and stuff. I'd be like, did he ever say, oh, I was coming in late? That ain't on me. Because that's. That's what I think Michael Jordan said to him. But if you guys want to hear that conversation, Gotham, Monday night at 7, Paul's best podcast. There you go.
- [107:28]
Bill Burr
I feel like he realizes halfway through the play he's like, oh, he's gonna dunk. So he just sort of made sure he was just sort of like he's in it, but not in it.
- [107:38]
Paul Versi
And when John is running back, he bear. He gets to like the foul line or the three point line, running back. And you can tell he knows I just did some. It's amazing. You know what I mean? All right, guys, well, here's the deal. We don't have Jake the Snake. We obviously do know the gruesome, the gruesome Jaden Daniels arm, but brutal, dude. Here's the thing about NFL injuries, Bill.
- [108:05]
Bill Byrne
They happen.
- [108:06]
Paul Versi
We know it. But when you see the bone go the opposite way, I can't deal with it. That's one I can't deal with, dude. You know the limb.
- [108:14]
Bill Byrne
The limb.
- [108:15]
Paul Versi
When the limb. When the elbow goes up or the knee goes. I can't. That's the one I can't deal with. Yeah, you know, that's.
- [108:25]
Bill Burr
Lisa, wasn't his throwing up, right?
- [108:28]
Paul Versi
I don't. Yeah, I don't think it was his throwing arm. Did you see the Joe Theisman thing? Because I didn't see it.
- [108:32]
Bill Byrne
Did you see it?
- [108:34]
Bill Burr
I did not see that live. But they just kept showing it, though. And I remember Tuesday morning, everybody that saw the game, that's all they were talking about. It was a. It was a break and then a break.
- [108:49]
Paul Versi
Ah, yeah, just.
- [108:51]
Bill Burr
And then Lawrence Taylor getting up, going, calling them in.
- [108:55]
Paul Versi
Yeah, that's. That's brutal.
- [108:58]
Bill Burr
All right, well, Theisman said he watched it once.
- [109:02]
Paul Versi
Oh, man.
- [109:03]
Bill Byrne
Yeah. Yeah.
- [109:04]
Paul Versi
That's. All right.
- [109:05]
Bill Burr
Well, let's. What are we doing? We went from John Stark's dunk to.
- [109:08]
Paul Versi
Yeah. Dunking on Jordan to this. But so, yeah, so I guess as far as injuries, I think it's pretty much that. And what it was last week, I mean, dude, a lot of quarterbacks down, no Joe Burrow, no Jaden Daniels, a lot of backup. But Bill, I love when there's a.
- [109:28]
Bill Burr
Backup comes in, you're like, that guy's still in the NFL. That's awesome.
- [109:32]
Paul Versi
Yeah, I know.
- [109:34]
Bill Burr
Well, it's not a real compliment to the player, but I like it.
- [109:38]
Paul Versi
Yeah. Who was it? Gary Kubiak back in the day. I remember him. Bobby Brister.
- [109:44]
Bill Byrne
Yeah.
- [109:44]
Bill Burr
You just think, like, once they lose their starting job, you just don't track them. And then all of a sudden you're like, what the fuck? Joe Flacco still playing Marcus Mariota still.
- [109:55]
Paul Versi
Playing Marcus with Joe Flacco, dude. 20 years, I think. Not bad either.
- [110:03]
Bill Burr
Dude, if Joe Flacco was in the military, he'd have those lines going all the way up his sleeve. His NFL, his hall of Fame jacket, or whatever.
- [110:13]
Paul Versi
Well, Bill, anyway.
- [110:14]
Bill Burr
Paul, Paul, I still. I still. There's time, Paul. There's actually what you've just set the table for. Paul is the greatest come and you know. And Paul verse, he has amazing comebacks. History shows that it ain't over till it's over. You know, you're down 13 and a half games. If you on November. What's today, the 6th, 7th if you fucking turn this shit around. Dude.
- [110:42]
Paul Versi
Dude, even I need a couple of four nos. Dude, I need a couple, man, I didn't get.
- [110:49]
Bill Byrne
I mean, I got two would option.
- [110:51]
Bill Burr
The script if you did it. Oh, I want to tell you 20, 25 bet MGM story.
- [111:02]
Paul Versi
You just be a documentary.
- [111:06]
Bill Burr
Oh, my God. We'd have to do the.
- [111:07]
Paul Versi
The Rocky music.
- [111:08]
Bill Burr
We're just like, you can't win. And then they start doing that bell sound.
- [111:14]
Paul Versi
Dude, here's the deal.
- [111:15]
Bill Burr
If I do that, I'm taking the Seahawks, you know, and just all going on this run.
- [111:21]
Paul Versi
Dude, you made. You made that amazing club soda Kenny thing. We gotta make like a mockumentary, like just for a comedy. If I do this, it'd be great. Play it before next year. All right, well, Bill, you are. I believe you are up on the. You are up on the clock. You are crushing it.
- [111:41]
Bill Burr
Well, I already picked first. I picked my Thursday game, so now it's you. I've already picked. It's you. It's whatever you want, Paul.
- [111:49]
Paul Versi
All right, well, I'm going to tell you what. I looked at this at the airport when I thought I was going to have to do a recording. And by the way, people are loving the show. Thank you all for watching. Anything better? I was in Houston last night and I'm doing a meet and greet after a show. And the guy goes, hey, dude, you didn't get what's going on with the picks this week. I'm like, all right, buddy, I'm traveling. We'll get it tomorrow.
- [112:05]
Bill Burr
All right?
- [112:08]
Paul Versi
And one guy goes, paul, I'm still taking your picks. You've been so one guy was like, I'm still riding with you. I'm like, hey, I don't know, dude. Four years I'm gonna tell you this.
- [112:19]
Bill Burr
Dynasty, dude, you gotta die. Bet MGM is looking for their first win against you.
- [112:25]
Paul Versi
Yeah, but now I'm the Cowboys who got rid of Jimmy Johnson.
- [112:31]
Bill Burr
You know what I am? I'm the letdown game. They let me hang around, he's hanging around.
- [112:40]
Paul Versi
They were like, we didn't know if the game passed Bill by, but he is back. All right. You know what I'm going to do, Bill? I'm going to do something that the Indianapolis Colts lost last week. And I see this line minus minus six and a half and they're home. But you know what? I'm going against my homecoming theory here. I think that the Atlanta Falcons. I see the Colts taking a little dip now. I also want to see how Daniel Jones reacts to a little bit of. He has not. Daniel Jones has not had any kind of issues yet this year. It's kind of been.
- [113:18]
Bill Burr
Offensive line. They still healthy?
- [113:20]
Paul Versi
I. Yeah, I mean, listen, they're a good team. They're favored by six and a half. They are. They do protect them. But this is gonna be the first.
- [113:27]
Bill Burr
The story. That's the story in Indianapolis. Wouldn't you say that that offensive line, all of a sudden, he's got time. He's a whole new guy.
- [113:33]
Paul Versi
Well, I'm gonna see. We're gonna see Daniel Jones have a game for the first time with a little bit of being uncomfortable. I think the Atlanta Falcons. I think because the Atlanta Falcons lost a heartbreaker to you guys last week by one point, I think the Atlanta Falcons might not win this game.
- [113:50]
Bill Burr
Defense put him in a position to win. We had two big turnovers. I'll tell you, that kid, Drake London. Yeah, that kid can play.
- [113:57]
Paul Versi
That kid's good.
- [113:58]
Bill Burr
Well, that kid that'll kid. He's good for. He's good.
- [114:01]
Paul Versi
And Pennocks and I think Pennix Jr. Is a good quarterback. I'm not saying. I'm not saying the Falcons win this game, but boy, do I love the six and a half points. I'm going to take the Atlanta Falcons on the road getting points.
- [114:14]
Bill Burr
I love that, Paul. I actually love that pick. Paul. I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't pass that Thursday game. I don't see anything. I like this week. Everything, every number is.
- [114:26]
Bill Byrne
Oh, I just love.
- [114:27]
Paul Versi
Dude, if. If this isn't the funnest thing both of us do in our lives. You just go. You looked at the thing and you just go, Paul, I'm not gonna lie to you.
- [114:42]
Bill Byrne
Dude.
- [114:42]
Bill Burr
I got to take you through how I fucking vet a coffee shop when I'm in a city. I don't know. I got to take you through, Paul. Like, as an Italian, you're going to be proud. Sorry, Sicilian, I don't know. Offense. All right, I'm looking at that Bills Dolphins game. This has let down game written all over it. Division, rivalry, their home. Am I really going to do that again? Am I really going to Take the fucking Dolphins, who quit on their coach. I mean, you know, I'm gonna think about that one for a second. Hate the Ravens. I don't know who they are. Browns minus two versus the Jets. These are all trap games. You Patriots, first Buccaneers. I mean, what's going to happen there, Paul? I have no idea. I'm gonna say, is Kyler Murray still out?
- [115:36]
Paul Versi
That's a good question. Hold on.
- [115:38]
Bill Burr
He must be minus six and a half.
- [115:42]
Paul Versi
Yeah, I think he's out. They got. What's his name, the guy that was on your team.
- [115:47]
Bill Burr
Well, this was draft day. I'm on the clock right now, so I just got, you know, this. I'm gonna take the Browns minus two against the Jets. But the jets got their first win.
- [115:57]
Paul Versi
Last week and they. They got the win, but then they just traded off some of their star. Some of their star players, and it's still only two.
- [116:06]
Bill Burr
Who. Who the. Is the poor bastard playing quarterback for the Browns now?
- [116:12]
Paul Versi
What's his name? Gabriel. So I don't know.
- [116:15]
Bill Burr
Dude, being at Brown's quarterback was like being. If you're the helicopter gunner in Vietnam, like your life expectancy, it's brutal.
- [116:24]
Paul Versi
That's a great one. That's a great analogy.
- [116:26]
Bill Burr
Should they be drafting quarterbacks or a offensive line? I don't know. I don't know why, Paul, I'm just going to take the Browns because I'm holding up the show.
- [116:34]
Paul Versi
Dylan Gabriel is his name, you know what, Bill?
- [116:38]
Bill Burr
Well, Dylan Gabriel, you know, he's got two great names. Bob Dylan and Roman Gabriel. I like it.
- [116:44]
Paul Versi
I think the Miami Dolphins get the kill shot in the head this week, meaning not only do they lose, but they lose bad. And I think it's the nail in Mike McDaniel's coffin. Sorry to Dan Soder. I know they're best friends. Here's the deal. I think the Buffalo Bills are hitting. Are going to go on a run. I said it weeks ago. I think they win the game by 10 or more. The Dolphins just aren't a good football team and the Bills are. I'm going to take the points. So I got. I got Buffalo.
- [117:17]
Bill Burr
All right, Paul, just to make it interesting, I'm going to take the Dolphins. Nice reason. Just the exact opposite reason is everybody thinks that that's what's going to happen. The Bill's gonna go in there, they're gonna win by fucking three scores or whatever. The fucking Dolphins, dude. I'm telling you, even when the Patriots were the Patriots, even though we're back a little bit, when we Were the Patriots, Brady, Belichick, all of those fucking guys. Those motherfuckers still beat us once a year. I don't know what it is about them, but the Dolphins, I think they have enough respect to give them a game and nine and a half points. That's a lot of points. I'll take the Dolphins nine and a half because, Paul, I don't see anything else in this week I like.
- [117:55]
Paul Versi
Well, listen, I think this is our first head to head and Lord knows you're the guy this year. Lord knows you're the guy this year, so.
- [118:04]
Bill Burr
No, Paul, I'm 16. 16 and one.
- [118:09]
Paul Versi
Dude, you started out two and 11. Like me and you turned it around or whatever. We were 10, we were two one. And I mean, dude, we were bad. After week five, we were classically bad.
- [118:18]
Bill Burr
Historically, everybody expected me to be. I have earned that nickname, Billy. Win some, lose some. Paul, you're the guy. Paul, you're the. You know what you are right now? You're fucking Russell Wilson. When he went to the Broncos, like, what happened? This fucking guy was unbelievable. The second he goes to Denver.
- [118:44]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [118:44]
Bill Burr
What is going on with this guy?
- [118:47]
Paul Versi
Well, you know what I'm going to take for my next pick? Jacksonville Jaguars have disappointed me one too many times. I went with the long locks, good looking Trevor Lawrence. And you know something? I got burned every time. I like the Houston Texans getting a point at home. The game is basically a pick them. And when the game is a pick. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Andrew, is C.J. stroud playing or not? That's one thing I need to look at. If CJ Stroud is playing, if CJ Stroud is playing, I'm going to take the home team in a pick him because I don't know who the Jaguars are. He's out.
- [119:24]
Bill Byrne
He's out.
- [119:28]
Paul Versi
All right, well, now I got to think about that one.
- [119:31]
Bill Burr
All right, I'll go kill some time. My favorite name in the NFL, CD Lamb. That's a school name. He could have played on the Cowboys with Billy Joe Dupree and fucking Drew Pearson. CD Lamb. That's, you know, that's when I, I could still remember football players names.
- [119:49]
Paul Versi
CD Lamb is such a.
- [119:50]
Bill Burr
Once white, white guys started naming their kids like, you know, Dakota and Ravine, and black guys started being, you know, Lavericos or whatever the fuck it is. Like, I can't. I just. The names are too left. That. And then in hockey when people from Finland started playing. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Dude, you can see the Bruins. I'VE almost seen every game. I still don't know half the guys names. Dude, the names go all the way across. There's always like 15 K's and T's and V's. I can't pronounce any of them.
- [120:23]
Paul Versi
Oh, our producer Andrew Semless just wrote that Dak Prescott's name is Dakota. I did not know that.
- [120:32]
Bill Burr
He's gotta go by Dak.
- [120:34]
Paul Versi
You have to. You can't be the Cowboys.
- [120:37]
Bill Burr
Dakota.
- [120:40]
Paul Versi
Oh, no, his name is Rain. No, his, his name is Rain. His name is R A Y N E. Rain. Dakota Prescott is his name. Dude, Rain is kind of cool. It's raining touchdowns in Dallas. That's a good one, dude.
- [121:00]
Bill Burr
Yeah. Also the, the. The reign of, of an emperor. There's a way to go with it.
- [121:06]
Paul Versi
Oh, his reign is over.
- [121:09]
Bill Burr
Cult or something. That sounds like some hippie shit.
- [121:13]
Paul Versi
Rain, Dakota Prescott.
- [121:15]
Bill Burr
Dakota.
- [121:17]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [121:18]
Bill Burr
Rain, Dakota Mesa.
- [121:19]
Paul Versi
And then when he starts to retire. When he retires, the headline. When he retires, the reign is over. His reign is. Oh, something like that. I like that too. Millions in merch lost to that decision. Yeah, that's a good point.
- [121:37]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [121:40]
Paul Versi
All right, well, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to think about the Texans while I do this pick. I'm going to take.
- [121:44]
Bill Burr
Bill.
- [121:45]
Paul Versi
I don't like to do this to pick. I don't like picking against your team. But I'm, I'm. I think the Buccaneers are coming off of a bye week. They're minus two and a half at home. Baker Mayfield rested his body a little bit. I talked a lot of about Baker saying he wasn't making the throws. He had that horrible game. I think their defense is good. I'm going to take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers against your Patriots. Only because it's less than a touchdown and they're at home.
- [122:12]
Bill Burr
It's less than a field goal, dude.
- [122:14]
Paul Versi
I mean, I'm sorry. Less than a field goal.
- [122:15]
Bill Burr
What. Who's that coach down there in Tampa Bay?
- [122:19]
Paul Versi
It's still. What's his name? The. The Todd Bowles.
- [122:26]
Bill Burr
Yeah. That's going to be an interesting game. I can see why he did that. All right, my question.
- [122:29]
Bill Byrne
Who's.
- [122:30]
Bill Burr
Who's quarterback for the Commanders now?
- [122:33]
Paul Versi
Mariota.
- [122:37]
Bill Burr
Due to the fucking Lions ever cover? They're so these giant fucking spreads and they never fucking cover. You always think they're going to go in and fucking beat the shit out of them and then they don't. Then you lay off them and then they do it. It's like they're watching this podcast or something, Paul, I swear to God, this. This reminds me of fucking taking algebra 2 and trigger. I saw summer school by the second week of September. I don't know why I'm just going to take the Seahawks minus six and a half, not knowing anything. And if that doesn't describe me as.
- [123:15]
Paul Versi
A gambler, the Seahawks are good, dude.
- [123:20]
Bill Burr
Paul, I'm not going to lie to you. This feels like my first losing week. It does. You know what I mean?
- [123:28]
Paul Versi
Andrew, can you just tell me?
- [123:29]
Bill Burr
Go out on a date with a chicken. Like, yeah, this is. She's not. She's not going out with me again.
- [123:34]
Bill Byrne
This.
- [123:34]
Bill Burr
This is what this feels like. This feels like.
- [123:38]
Paul Versi
No, it was. I'll be honest with you. It was always me going, I ain't going out there again. In my delusional mind. She wants.
- [123:44]
Bill Burr
Oh, delusional.
- [123:45]
Bill Byrne
All right.
- [123:45]
Paul Versi
Yeah, well, you know.
- [123:47]
Bill Burr
Well, you're just smart enough to be stupid.
- [123:50]
Paul Versi
No, you said. You said one of the funniest things any friend has ever said to me. You said, you're the dumbest smart guy I know.
- [123:58]
Bill Burr
Oh, no, that was a Patrice thing you saw. Yeah, Patrice would say that. Dumb, smart people, you, like, totally get life in a way of somebody I've never seen before. And then out of nowhere, right when I believe in you, you will just say the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. And I'm like, wait a minute. And then you immediately get right back on track with, like, this fucking amazing, amazing life advice.
- [124:25]
Sponsor/Ad Reader
But that.
- [124:26]
Bill Burr
The thing you said, it hangs in the air for a second.
- [124:29]
Paul Versi
Dude, I'm not gonna lie. I was talking to my therapist this week, and she just goes. She just goes. You know, you're, like, really intelligent, right? And I was just like, hey, watch me do math, sweetheart. I'm a idiot.
- [124:44]
Bill Burr
No, but, no, it's. It's like you're really smart and that there's no, like, reward for.
- [124:55]
Paul Versi
I know what you mean.
- [124:56]
Bill Burr
Like, he's not winning the spelling bee. Paul Versi's not on the math team.
- [125:02]
Paul Versi
No.
- [125:03]
Bill Byrne
All right.
- [125:03]
Bill Burr
But Paul Versi gets life. I don't know how you monetize that. I mean, obviously, you're a amazing comedian.
- [125:11]
Bill Byrne
I'm not.
- [125:11]
Bill Burr
I'm not talking about that. I'm just talking about appreciate. Like, dude, you. I remember one time I was talking to this actress on this movie, and we. Me and. Me and. Me and Pete Davidson were doing Impress. We was doing a movie with him. We're doing an impression of you, and the actress goes, who is this guy? Like, I want to think like that you were like, dude, is there anything better than a bag of chips with the sandwich? Dude, you know, you get it to the level that you appreciate shit that people don't pay attention to. Sitting there by yourself, reading the newspaper with. With the wind blowing through the trees. You say, like, the picture that you paint, like, always reminds me of, like, yeah, we have. We are so lucky to be alive. Yes, we are simple little fucking things. What am I getting so upset about? Whatever that is, Paul. Dude, you should be in a conference room in a fucking hotel with that fucking. That, that microphone that just goes in your ear like Janet Jackson. Just uplifting people.
- [126:19]
Paul Versi
Well, I just.
- [126:22]
Bill Burr
Fresh bag of chips with a sandwich.
- [126:25]
Paul Versi
Well, the reason why.
- [126:26]
Bill Burr
Say it. Start yelling like that.
- [126:28]
Paul Versi
That giant.
- [126:29]
Bill Burr
Who's that guy with that giant fucking head? He just yells at these fucking people. Losing in life.
- [126:33]
Paul Versi
Oh, God.
- [126:34]
Bill Burr
Oh, he's a motivational speaker and he's yelling at him like he's about ready to cut him.
- [126:40]
Paul Versi
I think it's. Is it David Goggins, the guy that runs like 200 miles?
- [126:44]
Bill Burr
No, not that guy. He just. He looks like. It's like if you took a movie star and you made him like nine feet tall so he became uncastable.
- [126:52]
Paul Versi
Well, Tony Robbins. Oh, Tim Robbins. Tony.
- [126:56]
Bill Burr
Tony Robbins.
- [126:56]
Paul Versi
Tony Robbins.
- [126:57]
Bill Burr
Tony Robbins. I saw a thing on one time. Dude, that guy chews people out.
- [127:02]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [127:03]
Bill Burr
I was like, is he motivating them or is he motivating them to do what?
- [127:09]
Paul Versi
No, he. That guy just like jumps in a. He's one of those guys. Like, he's one of those guys that has a regiment. But I wanna. I wanna write some. I wanna read something I wrote. Just because you brought that up. I wasn't being rude looking at my phone, but when you said that, I say, is there anything better than last night? At 1:00 clock in the morning, east coast time, midnight, Texas time, yours truly wrote to the sword of God.
- [127:31]
Bill Burr
It's right.
- [127:33]
Paul Versi
Pickles on a burger or chicken sandwich make life better. It's just incredible.
- [127:40]
Bill Byrne
Dude.
- [127:41]
Paul Versi
I had a smash burger at the club last night. A two patty smash burger, Bill. The amount of pickles was so perfect and you got pickle in every bite. It wasn't.
- [127:50]
Bill Burr
I don't want to be Billy Negative here.
- [127:52]
Paul Versi
You're not a pickle guy.
- [127:53]
Bill Burr
I'm not a smash burger guy.
- [127:55]
Paul Versi
Oh, okay.
- [127:56]
Bill Burr
It's like somebody made you a burger, stuck it in their back pocket and took a fucking bus ride and then handed it to you the whole Thing is a bun.
- [128:04]
Paul Versi
No, no, this was a two pattier.
- [128:07]
Bill Burr
It. I know the two patty is like half the size of what a burger used to be.
- [128:12]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [128:13]
Bill Burr
Oh, you like a thick economy. They used economy on a plane. Used to have a little more room.
- [128:17]
Bill Byrne
They.
- [128:18]
Bill Burr
They smushed it all together.
- [128:20]
Paul Versi
Yeah, I, I see that.
- [128:22]
Bill Byrne
I see that.
- [128:23]
Bill Burr
I give you my. How I vet a coffee shop real quick.
- [128:27]
Paul Versi
Yeah, of course.
- [128:28]
Bill Burr
Okay, this is, this is the deal.
- [128:29]
Bill Byrne
All right?
- [128:30]
Bill Burr
If it's a chain, I'm in a city like. I don't know, I don't know. I don't. I don't got nothing. I'm swinging in the dark here, Paul. If it's a chain, that place. Okay, right. If you go to the website and there's pictures of food before this. Pictures. Hold on.
- [128:46]
Paul Versi
I. I can't. I can't lose this. Hold on.
- [128:49]
Bill Burr
I gotta get on my phone.
- [128:50]
Paul Versi
My shit's gonna die. Okay, Stace, where's my charger? Okay, I got it, I got it. Oh, how the.
- [129:07]
Bill Burr
Would she know where your charger is?
- [129:09]
Paul Versi
She knew. She knew. She said it's on the dresser.
- [129:12]
Bill Burr
Really? That's amazing. How would she know where your charger is?
- [129:23]
Paul Versi
I think. No, I leave laying around and then she goes like, you know what the. I. You left this here. I put it on the dresser.
- [129:30]
Bill Byrne
That's why.
- [129:31]
Bill Burr
Oh, go ahead.
- [129:32]
Paul Versi
What's your regimen?
- [129:33]
Bill Burr
All right, so here's how. Okay, so if it's a chain, that place. If I go to the website and I see a picture of food before I see the coffee, that place. If you paper. If you use paper cups and you don't have any real coffee cups, fuck that place. If you offer a cappuccino and a latte, and small, medium and large, fuck that place. If you close in the evening, if you're still pouring coffee, seven, eight, nine, ten o' clock at night, fuck that place.
- [130:03]
Paul Versi
I love that one.
- [130:05]
Bill Burr
If I actually love them all, the first thing I see is some incredible latte art and a matching cup and a saucer, and there's no fucking food. And it's not a goddamn chain. And there's only one size for a latte, one size for a cappuccino, a flat white or cortado, you know what the fuck you're doing. And I'm going there, I'm going there. This is what it is.
- [130:28]
Paul Versi
I love all of that. The only one that I would give a little pushback on. I don't mind the picture here or there. If the picture is like enticing and the chef or whoever wants you to see it. I don't mind that, but I don't.
- [130:41]
Bill Burr
Know if the picture. First picture I see is food.
- [130:45]
Paul Versi
Oh, okay. I got.
- [130:47]
Bill Burr
Yeah, I don't want. You know those coffee shops that fat people in Crocs go to?
- [130:50]
Paul Versi
I got you. Yeah.
- [130:52]
Bill Burr
And then they stand there with like, whatever they. They start the day, whatever they're eating. It's like you. You are taking an immediate nap. All of those. I don't even know what they're called. All of that shit behind the glass, it's all some version of a dessert, and you're starting your day with that shit. You just see them? You just see him, Paul? Yeah, those call. You know the coffee shops where the guys are fatter than their girlfriends and their girlfriends are whatever. Their wife already had a kid and you're somehow fatter than she is. Fuck that place, dude. There's no excuse for a man. You can't be more out of shape than your wife. If she gave you kids and you're fatter than she is, there's no fucking reason for it. Walking around with bigger tits than she has. You can't do it, Paul.
- [131:42]
Paul Versi
No, you can't do it.
- [131:43]
Bill Burr
No. After what she's been through to what she's been through, you're taking that shirt off and coming to bed, bringing that mess.
- [131:50]
Paul Versi
She popped out three kids and you're worse. Oof.
- [131:54]
Bill Burr
What did you do? Eight steak bombs.
- [132:00]
Paul Versi
He'd be like, I'll tell you what, they made the money.
- [132:02]
Bill Byrne
That's what I did. All right.
- [132:06]
Bill Burr
You know what sucks about being 57 is every. Every city, whatever they make, you're too.
- [132:10]
Bill Byrne
Old to eat it.
- [132:13]
Bill Burr
Like, you go to Philly, right? You got to get a steak and cheese. A cheesesteak.
- [132:19]
Bill Byrne
Sorry.
- [132:19]
Bill Burr
A cheesesteak is a young man's game.
- [132:23]
Paul Versi
I want one so bad.
- [132:24]
Bill Burr
Oh, my God. Dude, if you just want to check out at 63 at my age, you just get a cheesesteak. It's called the steak and cheese in Boston. I don't know what they call it in New York.
- [132:36]
Paul Versi
All right, I got one for you.
- [132:37]
Bill Burr
What's up?
- [132:38]
Paul Versi
Here's a question. If you totally gave up and didn't give a. If you dropped dead in the next two years and you just. You were. You didn't care if you turn into a 450 pound monster, what are you eating on the daily. Like, what's your, like, what's your, like eating?
- [132:53]
Bill Burr
I already know what I'm drinking and smoking.
- [132:55]
Bill Byrne
You?
- [132:57]
Bill Burr
No, but I mean, Going back to bourbon. And I'm smoking three cigars. I'm just. I. I'm just smoking.
- [133:05]
Paul Versi
No, but I mean, like, eating, like, snacks. And what's your go to? Like, are you a burger? Are you a cheesesteak? Are you like. What's your. Just, like, would you.
- [133:13]
Bill Burr
Paulie, I've been out in LA too long. I'm a breakfast burrito guy.
- [133:17]
Paul Versi
Okay, okay.
- [133:18]
Bill Burr
The breakfast burrito, Paul, I'm telling you, there's nothing on the east coast that fucks with it. I hate to say it. I had to throw the whole east coast in there. So I'm not going to get accused of hating on New York again. I'm just saying, dude, the fucking breakfast sandwiches in Massachusetts. The bacon, egg and cheese, it's just. The fucking bacon, egg and cheese is. It's just so basic. Even season the fucking eggs, dude. There's nothing on it. You got to bring it home and fucking judge that thing up. It's just something to stick in your fucking stomach so you're not hungry when you go to work. But, dude, the fucking. The breakfast burrito. And I gotta tell you, do two of my spots change management and they're not good anymore. Like, I got a point, Paul. I learned how to make one at home that was like, you know, still mediocre, but you get to. You go to a good place, you know, like, there's a place down the way for me, the Tacos, Tortoise, all of that shit are just next level. And I feel bad. You go in there and there's somebody like grandmothers in there making the tortillas. Still making them, like from scratch. You still feel bad because they always look miserable. They make them. They're fantastic. But, you know, she's like, you know, 80 years old.
- [134:35]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [134:36]
Bill Burr
Just like, I remember you took me to that one place, comes walking in with my red face.
- [134:41]
Paul Versi
Yeah, you took me to that one. The lady wasn't there anymore.
- [134:44]
Bill Burr
Yeah, I would do. Yeah, I would probably do breakfast burritos or any diner. Grand Slam breakfast. I'm a breakfast guy. I'd be crushing coffees all day, smoking cigars. I'd be that guy. I'd be that guy who has like his initials on the fucking collar. I just start dressing like, what's his face from Hockey Night in Canada. Don Cherry.
- [135:07]
Bill Byrne
I would.
- [135:08]
Bill Burr
I would be a Dapper Dude. Old guy that's just about ready to drop. Every.
- [135:13]
Paul Versi
Every day, dude, I gotta tell you something. I would go like.
- [135:18]
Bill Burr
I would be wearing my funeral suit, Paul. Every day.
- [135:22]
Paul Versi
I would go Sandwiches. I'm a sandwich guy. I would go chicken cutlet with the fresh mitts and the red roasted peppers, you know, I would go, yeah, dude, I gotta go to that. I gotta go to Bradley Cooper's dang thing, man. Like, I gotta get that cheesesteak, dude.
- [135:37]
Bill Burr
The cheese, it's incredible.
- [135:40]
Paul Versi
Oh, dude, I got. I gotta do it, man. I gotta do it.
- [135:42]
Bill Burr
Then. What's amazing is you can go eat it in Thompson Square Park. That used to be all fucking junkies when I first came that, like. Now it's like, I had no idea all of that stuff was in the park. But, Paul, on the East Coast. If I was on the East Coast. Yes, Sandwiches. They don't do sandwiches, right? West Coast, Really? L. A? No, it did. No, it's just. It's anything. Bread dough, you know, it just doesn't work out.
- [136:08]
Paul Versi
Burger joint that Bartnik. That burger joint that Bartnik used to take us to in Pasadena was incredible.
- [136:13]
Bill Burr
Yeah, that one.
- [136:14]
Bill Byrne
Yep.
- [136:15]
Bill Burr
No, the burgers are. Crate Burgers are crazy good in la. Burgers, Thai food, Mexican food, Steak Steakhouses out chop houses in la. Fucking all of it is insane. Absolutely fucking insane. And the coffee's unbelievable.
- [136:31]
Paul Versi
And Dantana's is good Italian food.
- [136:34]
Bill Burr
Yeah, no, no, Dantana's is great or whatever, but. But it's not like fucking New Jersey, New York, like, the fucking. I mean, you can make a mistake in New Jersey and still get great, great Italian. Like, just like stumble into a place, like, not even know about it. It's like, it's in, like. I remember when I was working the Count Basie Theater out there in whatever the fuck that is in Jersey, and I just was like, you know, I'm gonna stop in this. This strip mall had, like, a little Italian, like, deli, and I went in there and I accidentally, like, went to the spot. Like, every chick there looked like the Italian Real Housewife, you know, all fucking, you know, tanned up with the big titties and shit. And they just fucking knew they had. They had to spread in that. Paul, like you and you and Joe would have just stopped. And I was just. It was totally by accident. I wrote it down somewhere on my phone. I. I had it, but it was like one of those places that, like, they made everything fresh daily. And it was like I was already living out in la and I'm like, they just don't do this with this. Like, they do that with Mexican food out there, but they don't do it. You know, I. If I'm gonna get Italian, Paul, I'm I'm back your way.
- [137:45]
Paul Versi
See, that's what I love about traveling. It's like, I go to la, I'll go get a burger. I'll go. I'll go get the burritos. I'll eat Mexican food. Then you come to New York, producer.
- [137:56]
Bill Burr
To get into a movie. You do la. Shit.
- [138:04]
Paul Versi
All right.
- [138:06]
Bill Burr
You know, I get to New York, I'm near the Port Authority, I just hand my wallet to somebody. I just say, you're not giving.
- [138:11]
Bill Byrne
I don't. I don't.
- [138:11]
Bill Burr
You know what? You know, Paul, I don't fight anymore.
- [138:17]
Paul Versi
Wait, how many picks do we have left, Andrew? Did Bill get all four?
- [138:22]
Bill Burr
I got. I got my four and then you. We got the Monday night special.
- [138:25]
Paul Versi
All right, so I got one more then, so. Oh, Bill, you took the. Okay, you took the Dolphins. They're all in.
- [138:33]
Bill Burr
You went Falcons, Bills, Texans, Buccaneers.
- [138:37]
Paul Versi
No, no, no, I went Buccaneers, but I didn't. I. I didn't finalize the Texans yet because I asked you if you could tell me who was quarterbacking. Do you know who that is?
- [138:46]
Bill Byrne
I had it up a second ago.
- [138:47]
Paul Versi
Come on, give me a good backups name. Give me a good backups name. Come on. Let me know him. Let me know him.
- [138:53]
Bill Burr
Paul. I have the Dolphins, Browns and Seahawks.
- [139:00]
Paul Versi
Yeah, but you're getting.
- [139:03]
Bill Burr
Hey, Paul. Paul. No second date. No second date. Davis Mills. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I can't. We can't hear you.
- [139:15]
Bill Byrne
Davis Mills.
- [139:17]
Paul Versi
Davis Mill.
- [139:20]
Bill Burr
We can't hear you. We can't. We can't hear you.
- [139:23]
Bill Byrne
You can't hear me?
- [139:24]
Paul Versi
You hear me now?
- [139:25]
Bill Burr
No, I can't hear Paul.
- [139:26]
Paul Versi
Hear me?
- [139:27]
Bill Burr
Yeah, I can hear you. Davis Mills.
- [139:30]
Paul Versi
I don't know if I like Davis Mills, dude.
- [139:33]
Bill Burr
Oh, dude. He puts the fear of God and defenses in the end. Second. You know, Davis Mills is under center.
- [139:39]
Paul Versi
Hey, the linebackers are gonna be like, hey, Davis. Is he open? I don't know, Bill. I don't like this dude. I can't take the Giants. I can't trust the Giants. I got it. I got it. I am going to take away the. The Texans because Stroud is hurt. I am going to take a team that is slowly surprising people and winning games and they are playing a bad team and they are at home. I am going to take the Carolina. Our friend Joe Gonzalez, Joe G's Carolina Panthers. I am going to take The Carolina Panthers -5 and a half at home against the hapless paper bag over the head wearing ain't.
- [140:29]
Bill Byrne
Dude.
- [140:29]
Bill Burr
And the Panthers have a surprisingly decent record.
- [140:33]
Paul Versi
Dude, they're winning, they're home. Nobody's talking about them. These are two bad teams. But the Saints are worse and the Panthers are home. So there you go. I'm gonna go Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers.
- [140:47]
Bill Burr
I'll tell you right now, Paul, if word gets out, the Panthers might send you some free tickets to that game.
- [140:53]
Paul Versi
Wait a minute.
- [140:54]
Bill Burr
Somebody picked us. I love this guy.
- [140:57]
Paul Versi
Hey, anything better? Bet mgm. They picked the Panthers for the first time, by the way. We got a shout out. Bet mgm. Guys, we didn't do that at the beginning. How dare I? Okay, BetMGM, guys. The best sports book out there, the best lines. You guys know them and love them. Me, Bill, Andrew, we've been with anything better for years, and we love them. All you got to do is get your device right here and I'll download the BetMGM app and put as little as $10 in your account and make your first wager. If that wager loses, if you lose the bet, you'll get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus to have fun with. Okay? Bet responsibly. They also. I'll use our code. Our code is Burr. B U R R. Very easy. They also have the first touchdown. Deal, game, promotion, whatever. You pick a player to get the first touchdown in any NFL game. If they get it, you win. If they don't, but in fact, get the second touchdown, you get your cash back. There you go. It's that easy. Download. As we always say, bet responsibly. Have a good time with us. And there you go.
- [141:52]
Bill Burr
Yeah. Don't have something you need to. To, you know, tell your wife? Hey, we got to sit down and talk. Don't gamble like that. Hey, listen, there's something I gotta tell you. No, no, no, it's worse.
- [142:07]
Paul Versi
He's crying.
- [142:08]
Bill Burr
He goes, versie was gonna divorce me either way, but there's no money I can give you now. I just had some brought on the side.
- [142:16]
Paul Versi
You could take the house. But he. Bill, he leans forward like this and he goes, percy was good for four years. I don't know. I don't know what happened.
- [142:26]
Bill Burr
You know, I said, I got a promotion at work and that's why you were getting those minks and stuff. Gotta be honest with you. I was just riding with Paul Versi. Who's Paul Versi? Who. Who's Paul? Is there anything better than Paul Versi?
- [142:40]
Paul Versi
Dude, I had a woman. I had a woman come up to me and go, we bought tickets because you made us like three grand this year. I swear to God, that was. I swear To God.
- [142:48]
Bill Burr
Are you serious?
- [142:49]
Paul Versi
A wife said that to me. She goes, dude, you made us so much money this year, we had to come to your show. Hey, she's not a fan this year. Hey, that was an unfollow.
- [143:00]
Bill Burr
Hey, I'm not coming to her city this year. Okay, maybe in December. We'll see.
- [143:05]
Paul Versi
Hey, I think I'm gonna sit Portsmouth out.
- [143:07]
Bill Burr
All right, well, I'll tell you, dude, I. I love your picks this week. I really do.
- [143:12]
Paul Versi
Well, Bill, we have a pick to do.
- [143:14]
Bill Byrne
Now.
- [143:14]
Paul Versi
You know what time it is that tell me on.
- [143:18]
Bill Burr
On paper how you don't take the Cowboys versus the Cardinals. That didn't make Kyler. Murray's not playing. Dax having a MVP game a year. I did none of that. He's throwing like 9 million yards, goes out there and he just shits the bed.
- [143:30]
Paul Versi
I'm sick. It got me sick. Cowboys did it.
- [143:34]
Bill Burr
Dakota Prescott did not show up. All right, it ain't him. Have that be funny to CD Lambs back. I was sitting there going, Paul's going two and two.
- [143:44]
Paul Versi
Dude, we should with him when we go to the game. Nice game, Rain. Hey, Dakota.
- [143:51]
Bill Burr
He gets enough. Dude, the most thankless job in the NFL is quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys.
- [143:58]
Paul Versi
It is.
- [144:00]
Bill Burr
You have to get. You have to listen, Paul, you got to get from men that get Botox and wear cowboy hats. Like, what the fuck world do we live in with a shiny new pickup truck.
- [144:11]
Bill Byrne
4.
- [144:12]
Bill Burr
We a four door with the four foot bed sitting there acting like they got a ranch and they're going back to an HOA condo. You gotta, you gotta take from those people, dude.
- [144:23]
Paul Versi
Dude, I gotta tell you this, by the way. I want to thank everybody who came out to Dallas and Houston the past couple days. Dude, Wednesday night I'm in Dallas and there are two guys in the front. And one guy had like the buttoned up shirt, like the. But the. The collar with the buttoned up. And he had the jeans and. And there was just something about it where he kept saying things. He's like, so you're going to talk about like he was doing stuff. And there was a guy next to him that just kind of. And long story short, I insinuated that they were gay. And he was like doing this and that. And then I don't know why, I go, this guy's gonna. Something happened. And they laughed. And this guy sits and I go, this guy's gonna you in the ass, right? I go, I go, this guy's gonna you in the ass. And the whole place is laughing. Dude. Then I find out that they were.
- [145:11]
Bill Burr
They are. Did you even pick it right? Did you get the top and bottom right, too?
- [145:20]
Paul Versi
I got it. The guy goes, dude, yeah, dude. He said it. And when during the meet and greet, he came and they kept whispering, he's like, yeah, dude. I used to live in Philly and out. And, like, I was just like. But, dude, I went. And the other guy was clearly the girl. The other guy was like, this feminine. And dude. But when I said it, it was a joke. But I had, like, this. And people like, you know, that's true. And then he came up, and it was really fun.
- [145:42]
Bill Burr
I don't know why. This remind me back when I used to sell my DVDs. After the show, this gay dude came up. He's like, oh, my God, I love it. He put his arm around me, and then before he left, he got a free seal. He rubbed my chest and then walked away. I was like, ah, Four months to not feel it. Dude.
- [146:06]
Paul Versi
You make a good point, though. Dallas dudes are one of two ways. Dallas dudes are either. Do we lose, Bill? All right, we're back. We had a little glitch there. No, you're right, though, what you said and what I've noticed is Dallas guys, you got one or two. One or two different ways. You get a Dallas guy. You either get the Dallas guy, like the. The guy's guy, like the beard and, like, you know, and. Or you get a guy that's got, like, cowboy boots and, like, a little feminine.
- [146:37]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [146:39]
Paul Versi
You know.
- [146:41]
Bill Byrne
Yeah.
- [146:42]
Bill Burr
You have, like, the rancher Dallas guy and then somebody who's trying to be on the Voice.
- [146:49]
Paul Versi
Real House husbands of Dallas.
- [146:52]
Bill Burr
I love Dallas. Dallas and Houston. I'm a big fan of Houston, Texas. Southpaw guitars. All lefty guitars. My. One of my favorite. This is my favorite guitar place in the United States. So that's the hardest thing when I go to Houston. It's not to go there and buy another guitar. I can't play.
- [147:14]
Paul Versi
Yeah. Dallas and Houston are I. I love. All right, Bill, you know what time it is? It's time for you to sing, buddy.
- [147:20]
Bill Burr
Oh, I'm gonna be on the Voice right now. Let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. Let that Monday Night Special win a bag of cash for you. All right, Paulie. All right. We'll get two of them this year. Back to back, we. We went, oh, for October. Oh, oh, oh, for October. Let's get him some money this week.
- [147:43]
Paul Versi
I think we're three. We've won three out of Seven. Haven't we won three or no?
- [147:47]
Bill Burr
All right, we're playing with house money at that point then.
- [147:49]
Bill Byrne
Well, whatever.
- [147:50]
Bill Burr
All right, let's get your fans some money, Paul.
- [147:52]
Paul Versi
All right, here we go. We have the Philadelphia Eagles visiting the. Just losing recently. Tough loss. Packers. And the packers are home, minus two and a half. Think the packers just lost.
- [148:06]
Bill Burr
Paul, let me ask you, does anybody know who these two teams are?
- [148:11]
Paul Versi
Well, I know that there's a little weirdness going on with the Eagles every once in a while in the locker room, but they're still winning. And the packers have a good team. Packers are home. Lambeau Field. Two and a half, though.
- [148:25]
Bill Byrne
Jordan Love.
- [148:26]
Bill Burr
That's gonna be a good game.
- [148:27]
Bill Byrne
2.
- [148:27]
Bill Burr
And I think they're both gonna bring their A game.
- [148:32]
Paul Versi
I think.
- [148:33]
Bill Burr
I think this game, Paul. I don't know shit. This is where I need Jake the Snake. I would say whoever has more, their better players on the fucking field because they're evenly matched. I just need a nudge one way or the other. That's it. I think the packers can hang with the Eagles, but like, like, if they have a big injury that, that they're gonna. I mean, it's a two point spread.
- [148:57]
Paul Versi
I love the Packers. I think that there was an injury too, to the Eagles. I don't know if he's back, but I like the packers coming home off a loss. I think they're a good team. We should.
- [149:05]
Bill Byrne
I like.
- [149:06]
Bill Burr
I like Jordan Love, too. I do like the Eagles, though.
- [149:09]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [149:09]
Bill Burr
And Nick Sirianni.
- [149:10]
Bill Byrne
I mean, I.
- [149:11]
Bill Burr
That. That. I love that guy.
- [149:12]
Paul Versi
Yeah, I do, too.
- [149:16]
Bill Burr
He looks like he has problems sleeping too. I like shut it off, Paul. I like shut it off.
- [149:21]
Paul Versi
Yeah, I like Nick.
- [149:25]
Bill Burr
And he beat the Chiefs last year. So, like, how do you not love.
- [149:28]
Paul Versi
The Eagles more than beat him? Oh, more than beat him.
- [149:31]
Bill Burr
Oh, they called off the dogs. They called off the dogs. They. They were like, the other NFL fans are on to us. Just let him play.
- [149:39]
Paul Versi
Oh, dude.
- [149:40]
Bill Burr
Oh, did they get exposed.
- [149:42]
Paul Versi
You called that one. I gotta tell you, Bill, your playoffs, too. You had a rough regular season. You got it to like a little. You were like four games back. But then your playoff run was epic and your super bowl prediction. And then this year, you start off betting your back.
- [149:59]
Bill Byrne
You. You're.
- [150:00]
Paul Versi
You're coming, dude. You're back.
- [150:03]
Bill Burr
I'm back to 500, Paul. I am just an average guy.
- [150:06]
Paul Versi
I gotta get back to down under 10 until I'm hurt. All right, let's do. Now.
- [150:13]
Bill Burr
You know what you like? You like The Cowboys in 1994, 49 is warrant. Then the next year you came back, you win it again.
- [150:21]
Paul Versi
Dude, I'm gonna tell you something right now. I may beat the book by four or five games this year. I'm not done, dude. I'm not. Once I get the break, I need the break.
- [150:28]
Bill Byrne
That's it.
- [150:29]
Bill Burr
That's happening this week, Paul. Or.
- [150:32]
Paul Versi
Or I'm gonna be down 20 in two weeks and apologize to everybody. All right? No, it is what it is. I gave you four years. What do you want from me? All right, listen, that Paul, I know Paul verse.
- [150:43]
Bill Burr
He doesn't throw the towel. No, not as he talks until at least after Thanksgiving.
- [150:49]
Paul Versi
It's got to be mathematically impossible before I start talking. Stop talking.
- [150:53]
Bill Burr
That's right.
- [150:54]
Paul Versi
All right, I like the packers minus two and a half. So we're gonna take that. What are we gonna do?
- [151:00]
Bill Burr
You want to love to throw one.
- [151:03]
Paul Versi
Jordan love to throw one. And do we want to do. I hate to do it. Do you want to do Saquon to get one? Because you know they're going to give him the rock from the five yard line or closer every time. And he's healthy and he's good and he's coming off of the A season high game. Yeah.
- [151:23]
Bill Byrne
All right.
- [151:25]
Paul Versi
All right, guys.
- [151:26]
Bill Burr
I always love when we do this. I love when we take a team and then we back that the other guy and the. On the other team, the star on the other team is going to score against our team and somehow they're still going to cover.
- [151:35]
Paul Versi
No, because they do that stupid tush push. But if they. If they're five yards out, they give it to Saquon. So it's a safe bet because they're going to just give it to him. That bullshit. Fucking push, Paul.
- [151:46]
Bill Burr
We're back to Dallas again. Stay focused. Terrible. Easy joke, easy joke.
- [151:51]
Bill Byrne
Oh.
- [151:52]
Bill Burr
All right, so Jordan loved to throw one Saquon. All right, so no surprises so far. What's. What's and no.
- [152:02]
Paul Versi
And we got the game. We took the. We took the points. The. The spread.
- [152:07]
Bill Burr
Okay, so there you go. What's the over under of Nick Sirianni yelling at Packer fans down the tunnel after the game?
- [152:14]
Paul Versi
No, after he did that, he changed. I think his wife was like, you look stupid. Your wife. If you're a coach, your wife's got to say something to you. Dude, when he did this, remember he did this shit.
- [152:26]
Bill Burr
Oh, he did better than that. He went.
- [152:29]
Paul Versi
You. Your wife's gotta go. What do you do? That looked terrible. My wife would be like, paul, or when he walked through the tunnel.
- [152:37]
Bill Byrne
See ya.
- [152:38]
Paul Versi
Remember he said that to the Chiefs fans. He walked through the tunnel and he looked up and he goes, see ya.
- [152:44]
Bill Burr
But I kind of like that because all those fat, like all those people, they take out their whole childhood or their week or their loveless marriage on the guy. And you got to sit there for three fucking hours. He's a head coach, the NFL. And you go out there and you just get like this. That whole fucking thing where you got to be a professional because you're on the field, but if you're in the stands and you bought a ticket, you can say whatever you want, dude. Malice in the palace should happen once a week. And you wouldn't believe how good the fan behavior would get.
- [153:17]
Paul Versi
Your joke is so great. You go, well, they came up there and it's true, dude. Ron Artest. Ron Art Test. When he. Oh, I guess he's met a world peace. When, when that cup hit him, you just saw it. He was. He just, he bounced up off the thing and ran in and just started swinging on guys that didn't do it.
- [153:34]
Bill Burr
I know. Yeah, he grabbed the wrong guy. I like that one guy who went out on the court, he starts squaring off with what's his face, who's like 6 foot 9, 6 10, like he was gonna beat him. Oh, and you know, it was funny when you saw that big dude throw a punch. You're just like, you've, you've been like nine feet tall since the first grade. So he, like, it looked like he was throwing a ball in like NBA. NBA players throw punches like they're, they're trying to do that. Dave Parker throw in the All Star Game from the warning track.
- [154:04]
Paul Versi
They can't. There's no accuracy.
- [154:06]
Bill Burr
They throw. They miss each other. It's unreal.
- [154:09]
Paul Versi
No, because it starts here and their arm is so long, their arms go behind their heads. Their arms go behind their heads. Dude. Ah, dude, this was a fun episode. I missed. The only thing this missed was Jake the Snake is a fun episode, dude.
- [154:24]
Bill Burr
Jake the Snake's the heart of the show, though.
- [154:26]
Bill Byrne
Jake.
- [154:26]
Paul Versi
Jake the Snake is just. There's something about that kid. If that guy doesn't give you a smile on your face, I don't know what will.
- [154:32]
Bill Burr
You're not alive, Paul.
- [154:33]
Paul Versi
But that's, that's the show, everybody. Yeah, check me out Gotham on the. On Monday at 7 o' clock with Paul's best podcast with John Starks. Also, what do we got? We got Thanksgiving Eve. I'm gonna be A Levity Live where I shot my Netflix special. And I'm doing a theater in Connecticut on December 12th. I need to get people in there. It's December 12th. Newtown, Connecticut, Edmond Town hall theater. Get your tickets for that. And yeah, I'm gonna be working some stuff out at old Uncle Vinny's down in Point Pleasant. I may get a piece of pizza this Saturday. Bill may go down there, run some jokes and get a piece.
- [155:09]
Bill Burr
I thought you were gonna go, why? I might get a piece of ass down there.
- [155:11]
Paul Versi
I'm like, paul, yo, dude, I'm going to Uncle Vinny's to work.
- [155:13]
Bill Burr
Work.
- [155:13]
Paul Versi
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go to Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant to work out my jokes and work something else out. All right, go to PaulVirthy.com for all my dates, you guys. Dude, I got. I. I got two big, big numbers here.
- [155:28]
Bill Byrne
The.
- [155:28]
Paul Versi
The Falcons. Now the Falcons getting six and a half's not a big number, but me and you, me and Bill going head to head. Bills, Dolphins. We're gonna see if the Dolphins quit. That's gonna be a good one.
- [155:38]
Bill Burr
I love that Falcons pick, man.
- [155:41]
Bill Byrne
I hope I really.
- [155:41]
Bill Burr
Just. The whole. The whole storyline you built for that game.
- [155:45]
Bill Byrne
I think you're on it on that one.
- [155:47]
Bill Burr
All right, that's it, everybody. Thank you for watching BET responsibly, and we will talk to you next week.