Down Time, Alternate Mixes, Witch Sex | Monday Morning Podcast 12-22-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast – "Down Time, Alternate Mixes, Witch Sex"

Date: December 22, 2025
Host: Bill Burr
Publisher: All Things Comedy

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Episode Overview

This episode finds Bill Burr in classic form, riffing on everything from holiday gift-giving (and the accompanying wrapping dilemmas), to sports, relationship advice, airplanes, the Kardashians, cruises, and—yes—witch sex. With holiday spirit (and a bit of sports anxiety), Bill blends his irreverent humor and personal reflections with rapid-fire rants and hilarious analogies. There’s also some unmissable relationship advice and guest emails, plus riffs on pop culture, the Illuminati, and why cruise ships are for "the bored and the portly."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Holiday Wrapping, Gift-Giving & Parenting

• Unwrapped gifts from relatives:
  • Bill complains about receiving unwrapped gifts for his daughter, thus giving him an extra job right before Christmas.
  • "It's just like, what the—you gave me a job, man." (00:26)
• Pride in early shopping and wrapping:
  • Bill takes pride in finishing his holiday shopping and wrapping early, but relatives’ gifts arrive unwrapped and mess up his system (00:31-01:03).
• Challenge of figuring out gifts from Amazon deliveries:
  • "Who's it from? What the fuck is it? What does it do, you know?" (01:14)
• Parenting improvement:
  • Bill celebrates three weeks without losing his temper and jokes about working to stop cursing in front of his kids.
  • "Now all I have to work on is not cursing in front of my kids." (07:51)
  • "I'm clean." (09:03)

Sports Riffing – NFL, Athletes vs. Fans, and TV

• Watching the Lions-Pittsburgh game live during the podcast, with color commentary:
  • Shout-out to special teams players and nostalgic stories about Cowboys’ Bill Bates (01:22 - 02:47).
• Emmitt Smith’s TV appearances ("Dancing with the Stars" and Geico):
  • “Just when you think running for over 17,000 yards is all this guy has, he comes on the TV and he’s doing a tango for Geico.” (02:59)
• Athletes in commercials – Bill’s marketing brainstorms:
  • "I've been coming up with some really good ideas for athletes and rock stars to be in commercials..." (03:34)
• Fans vs. athletes and punching fans:
  • Strong opinion that fans, who say outrageous things, sometimes deserve consequences.
  • "If they actually go over there and punch you...I wish I was running a league." (15:23)
  • "Stop talking shit to people. You can't beat up. World do you grow up in? Why can't it be like that? Why? 'Cause the customer's always right. No, you're not. That's not the truth." (15:28, 15:55)

Burr’s Aviation & Conquering Fear

• Personal updates on helicopter flying (“Paso Robles dream”):
  • He discusses overcoming nerves about flying to farther airports and explains the "dead man's curve." (09:29-12:45)
  • "Dead man's curve is...your air speed is low and so is your altitude...If you lose two, you’re okay...but if I don't have my speed and I also don't have the altitude, well, God damn it, that's when you get a little scared." (11:13-12:13)

Pop Culture – Kardashians, Trump, and Alternate Mixes

• Reaction to Kardashians:
  • "That fucking Khloe is funny..." (24:17)
  • Commentary on a guest doctor talking about erections: “He was saying this to all the fucking women and he was actually sitting at a table talking about like, you know, mortality is now like a choice.” (24:26)
• Trump, revenge, and pop culture:
  • “Obama made fun of him, destroyed him...And then a few years later, he was president. Obama was handing the keys over to him. It's the greatest revenge story after any roast I've ever heard of.” (13:27)
• Alternate song mixes rant:
  • "I don't need to know what it felt like when you guys listened to this and you like, yeah, no, this isn't it, this isn't it...Why do I want to hear that? Just give me the original one there." (22:43)

Cruises, Hypocrisy, and Social Commentary

• Rant on cruise ships with amusement parks:
  • “A, how bored are you? B, how fat are you? And C, what is your favorite song? Those are the questions.” (16:38, 17:17)
  • Lampooning consumer culture and how “everything shiny” appeals to some people.
• Commentary on 'hooker chic' and societal confusion:
  • "You used to be able to spot a hooker. Now every woman out there is like hooker chic. How do you know who’s selling their ass and who’s just...ready to take a picture of their breakfast burrito?" (17:22–17:28)

Relationship & Listener Advice

• Listener Question #1: Dating a Witch
  • A 30-year-old writes in about being invited to LA by a self-described witch he met in the Midwest (39:05–45:28).
  • Bill researches whether witches are good in bed:
    • "According to various practitioners...witches are often associated with being exceptional in bed due to a focus on energy, intention and self awareness." (43:09)
    • Final advice: "I think you should go to LA, and I definitely think you should go to LA and hook up with a witch." (45:13, 45:28)
• Listener Question #2: Telling Family About Moving to Germany
  • Teen asks how to tell his parents he wants to move to Germany after an exchange program:
    • "I would be excited if my kid wanted to live abroad..." (48:20)
    • "Just tell them, you know, I vibe with the place. I want to live over there. I feel like it's going to be a good experience." (49:01–49:02)

Comedy, Touring & Professional Updates

• Gives a shout out to the Cerritos crowd and his openers (04:01).
• Discusses dialing in his new act, focusing on segues and order for his upcoming set (04:44–05:24).
• Announces plans to tour with Dean, hitting spots in Idaho, Montana, and Wyoming by motorcycle (57:11–57:44).
• Lists favorite theaters (Chicago Theatre, Massey Hall, Tabernacle Atlanta, Fox St. Louis) (57:50+).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You gave me a job, man.” (On unwrapped presents, 00:26, Bill Burr)
• “Who's it from? What the fuck is it, what does it do, you know?” (Amazon gifts, 01:14, Bill Burr)
• “I’m clean.” (On anger management streak, 09:03, Bill Burr)
• “Why are you being so hostile? I mean, so hostile. Sounds like Heil. Makes you think of Nazis...” (09:38, Bill Burr)
• “If they actually go over there and punch you...I wish I was running a league.” (15:23, Bill Burr)
• "Obama made fun of him... then a few years later, he was president... it's the greatest revenge story after any roast I've ever heard of." (Trump/Obama, 13:27, Bill Burr)
• “Lampooning consumer culture and how “everything shiny” appeals to some people.” (16:38)
• “You used to be able to spot a hooker. Now every woman out there is like hooker chic." (17:22, Bill Burr)
• “According to various practitioners...witches are often associated with being exceptional in bed due to...energy, intention and self-awareness.” (43:09, Bill Burr reads web research)
• “I think you should go to LA, and I definitely think you should go to LA and hook up with a witch.” (45:13, Bill Burr)
• "Just tell them, you know, I vibe with the place. I want to live over there." (On moving abroad, 49:01, Bill Burr)
• “If you keep giving a fuck, I’ll keep doing it.” (59:25, Bill Burr, closing thanks)

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Noteworthy Timestamps

• 00:26 – Holiday unwrapped gifts rant
• 02:18–03:43 – Sports commentary and special teams nostalgia
• 07:21–08:45 – Reflections on temper, parenting, and being a husband
• 09:29–12:45 – Helicopter flying stories (aviation anxiety and goals)
• 13:27 – Trump’s “greatest revenge story” riff
• 16:38–17:50 – Cruise ship and amusement park rant
• 17:22–17:28 – “Hooker chic” social observation
• 39:05–45:28 – Witch sex listener advice and comedic research
• 48:03–49:02 – Listener question: telling parents about moving to Germany
• 57:11–57:50 – Favorite theaters, future touring plans
• 59:25 – Heartfelt listener thanks and sign-off

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Tone & Style

Bill is in classic rapid-fire, irreverent, and off-the-cuff form—alternating self-deprecating humor, sincere gratitude, and ranting social observations. He maintains his signature blend of sarcasm, authenticity, and biting wit, peppered with expletives and heartfelt moments. The episode is loose, unscripted, and deeply rooted in Bill’s lived experience and comedic worldview.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

• Best for fans of irreverent, personal humor and deep-cut sports/parenting talk.
• Highlights: Holiday gripes; Bill’s battles with anger; relationship & sex advice (including the occult); defending athletes against heckling fans; observations on culture, entertainment, and aging; behind-the-scenes on tour life.
• Quotable moments abound, with solid laugh-out-loud sections and an authentic, relatable look into Bill’s everyday life as the year wraps up.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 22, 2022. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Three days before Christmas. Let me ask you this. What do you think about people that send gifts to your kids and they're not wrapped?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

It's just like, what the. You gave me a job, man.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

No, it's fine. Most of them came wrapped, but the ones that didn't, you know, I was all proud of myself. I. I did all of my shopping, and I was done in November, and I just wrapped all that. Wrapped it, dude. You know, I wasn't like you guys, buying the thinking, oh, I'm going to wrap that someday. I. I got it done. It was, like, inspirational even to me. I was like, wow, Bill, you are amazing. And then all of a sudden, all the. All the relatives sent this, and I.

[Bill Burr]

Got a whole nother pile of.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I got a rep, you know, and then you forget who gave you what, and they send it for Amazon and they give you, like. It's like a fortune cookie. You get this little slip of paper.

[Bill Burr]

Who's it from? What the is it. What does it do? You know?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

That is a penalty.

[Bill Burr]

Pushed him right in the fucking back. Sorry.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I'm watching the Lions Pittsburgh game, and I got to give a shout out to somebody on special teams on Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh.

[Bill Burr]

Scro neck. Scro neck. Number 15. Guy's a madman. He's on the outside. They push him out of bounds.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

He kind of stayed out of bounds, you know, by choice.

[Bill Burr]

They.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

They threw a flag on him, and then he.

[Bill Burr]

He still tackled the guy.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And then they tried to be like, well, it's because you were running out of bounds, buddy. Mean. So you got an unsportsmanlike conduct, which to me, an unsportsmanlike conduct is you did something to another player, you know, you ran outside the lines. They should call it something else. It's the same amount of yardage, but, you know, maybe just being sneaky. 15 yards for being sneaky. And then the call is the ref, like, sort of tippy toes around instead of doing, like, putting his arms out like he's Jesus on a cross.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And then the next time they go to kick it, this kid timed like, this guy, I guess he didn't call for a fair catch. He timed it perfectly. Reminded me. There was a guy in the Cowboys a long time ago, Bill Bates, number 40, and he was. He was like the wedge breaker. He's an Absolute maniac on special teams. And he was so good on special teams. He actually made it up to. He started, I think, for the Cowboys for a couple of years.

[Bill Burr]

Was a fan favorite kind of guy.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Out there, like, breaking his helmet, you know, man, shit. Not like me sitting here wearing vans with my legs crossed. Is that Emmett Smith dancing?

[Bill Burr]

Dancing with the Stars Emmett? That can't be real. This can't be real. He's not bad. I don't know about that shiny shirt. Anyway, Emmett Smith, you know, just when you think, you know, running for over 17,000 yards is all this guy has, he comes on the TV and he's doing a tango for Geico. Oh, it's Geico, though. All right. I don't know about you guys. Have you been listening to my podcast lately? I've been. I feel like I've been coming up.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

With some really good ideas for. For athletes and rock stars to be in commercials, you know, and you think.

[Bill Burr]

Well, maybe this is a new skill.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Set and this is, like, something I could do. And then they hit you with Emmett Smith on Dancing with the Stars paired up with Geico, and you're like, ah, I'm just not operating at that level. Why?

[Bill Burr]

You know, every.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I never notice how much my stomach growls until I do a podcast.

[Bill Burr]

I just ate three ribs.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

How can I still be the stomach growling? Anyway, yeah, so Christmas is a couple days away. I don't know if you heard. I don't know what part of the Internet you're on, but I'm having a great end of my year. I want to give a shout out to everybody that came out to see me in Cerritos. I had a great time. I brought Ambry and Dean to come down. They both fucking killed it. The crowd was amazing. Was amazing. They were just sort of like one of those crowds where you. You really couldn't push it, you know, too far. You know, they sort of were game for everything.

[Bill Burr]

They. They did.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

They did grown at one. One joke I did, but it was a little too soon, I think. But I had, like. I don't have, like, this epiphany because I've just been changing the order or whatever, and I finally just came up with the order for the set for the new. And I did the work. I wrote it down, and I had it on the napkin, and I just. I. And I stuck to the order, and I was a little nervous. I was gonna look fucking unprofessional, but as long as you're funny, I think you can keep glancing over a piece. I Just had to make sure I did it in the right order so it would, like, connect. What are those things called? Segues. They're called.

[Bill Burr]

You know, in my business, it's called a segue.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Do they even make those anymore?

[Bill Burr]

Segways.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

They were kind of amazing when they first came out, and now when I think about them, it's just like. Like, did they have to weigh, like, 5,000 pounds?

[Bill Burr]

I mean, that was my.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Back in the day. Going on YouTube and watching people wiping out on a segue.

[Bill Burr]

There's just something you couldn't let go. There's something about motorcycles, scooters, Jet skis, and Segways when. When you fucking lose control. It's like you. Yeah, it makes you hanging on to the handlebars, and you're also turning the throttle on so you're going even faster. And you just sit there going, like, let go of the fucking thing. Just let go of it. And they don't. They ride it until they crash. They just. They just get, like, a death grip on it. I got the Pittsburgh Steelers in this.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Game, by the way. It's three to three. I don't know how many points I'm getting. It's not too much. I can't figure the Lions out. They win, they lose, they win, they lose, they win, they lose. You know, they got a bunch of injuries, I guess. I don't know. Ford Field. Detroit really is really coming along, though. Last time I was there, you know, a lot of good restaurants and like that. It's finally coming back. They had a race riot in 1968, and it's my whole life, Detroit has been trying to come back. They're finally coming back.

[Bill Burr]

There's the bridge. That's the bridge of Bob Probert. Got busted on coming back in, rest.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

His soul, with some fucking blow. Remember that? And there's a casino right across the way. I used to perform out there. I haven't in a while.

[Bill Burr]

Bill. What, are you taking us down memory lane, or are you doing a goddamn podcast? All right, relax. Fucking relax. I can't be excited that I feel good about my act, finally. Anyway, today marks three weeks. Three weeks. This is like being sober of me not losing my temper and not even having to work on it. I. I feel like I'm fucking cured. I can't believe it. Now all I have to work on is not cursing in front of my kids.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be like. I remember a long time ago, one of my specials I did a bit. And I was talking about how much I crush it as a husband and a father, but I was talking about how my temper fucks up, you know, my life, though. So the joke was basically talking about all the great things that I do. And I was like, you know, other than that, all my wife has on me is who I am as a person. I am laughing at my own joke. I haven't told that in a while. And I was talking about if I could just not have a temper, like, there would be nothing for her to complain about. So I am now. Now I'm not talking shit yet because I'm only three weeks in, but I get, like three months in of not losing my temper. I'm gonna talk a little shit. I'm gonna get in her cute little.

[Bill Burr]

Grill.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Have a big smile on her face, my face, and she's gonna be like, what? I'm gonna be like, nothing. What do you mean, nothing? You got nothing. You got nothing on me.

[Bill Burr]

I'm clean. Oh, Bert Kreischer's doing the Paramount Plus New Year's Eve bash.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

There you go. There's something to watch for you on New Year's Eve.

[Bill Burr]

Do you go out. Do you go out with all the drunks? Survivor 50. How many seasons do they do a year that they're already on Survivor 50? Like, they started in 1975.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Somewhere along the line. I like the host.

[Bill Burr]

Just, you know, red team up. He starts like.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I think he's just been on that island a little too long. And I noticed that he's a little.

[Bill Burr]

More hostile or hot. Is it hostile or hostile? I like hostile.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Adds a little something to it, let you know that isn't just a regular version of hostile. Why are you being so hostile? I mean, so hostile. Sounds like Heil. Makes you think of Nazis. It makes you really fucking think there's something serious going on. Jesus Christ. Tony Romo went out last night, huh?

[Bill Burr]

Good gravy.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

He look like he's drunk. He looks like he just woke up. You know when your face is all puffy, what was it, Tony?

[Bill Burr]

You gotta announce the fucking game. Well, here, use my sport coat. Oh. See what he did there? He found the seam. The great ones do that. They sit down in the zone, they shoot the A gap, and it's a cover zero.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Anyway, so.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Billy Downtime. Oh, Billy Downtime. I flew a couple of times. I keep trying to do that Paso Robles flight, but I get a. Nervous, you know, because it's. It's like almost an hour and a Half.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

One way.

[Bill Burr]

So I gotta refuel. And every. You know, every time I look at the. The. What is it?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

The. Not the metar.

[Bill Burr]

I look at the taff, there's always that, you know, low IFR and like.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

That, and it looks like it's going to clear up.

[Bill Burr]

But I can't fly all the way.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Up there, and all of a sudden.

[Bill Burr]

I get into the soup or whatever.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And then what am I doing? I'm in the middle of nowhere.

[Bill Burr]

Where am I going to refuel? So I get all scared, and then.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I don't do it. Instead, I fly to, like, Bracket.

[Bill Burr]

Bracket's a scary airport.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

It's got this helipad, the northeast helipad. And, you know, if you fly the pattern there off of that thing, it's a very short run up before you're right at the tower and all of these. This. I don't. Radar equipment. And then you got to make a right before it. And you sort of. You know, if you're not careful, you're kind of in the dead man's curve as you. As you're climbing, which is, you know, dead man's curve is. Is your airspeed is low, and so is your altitude. All right? You have. You have three bins of. Of energy. You have your air speed, you have your altitude, and you have your main rotor, okay? You. You can trade one for the other, but you can't lose two. You lose two, you're okay. If I had the altitude and I didn't have the speed, I could nose down. If I lost my engine, I could enter an auto, right? If I have my speed and I'm really low, that's fine. I can just enter the auto. But if I don't have my speed and I also don't have the altitude.

[Bill Burr]

Well, God damn it, that's when you get a little scared and you start thinking to yourself, I don't want to end up on the news, man. I do not want to end up. I'm putting you on the news.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

So anyway, I kind of went. When I fly the pattern there, I kind of back up a little bit. I'm in a hover, and I give myself that extra 20ft. That's what it's all about, people.

[Bill Burr]

You just. You keep the odds in your favor.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Anyway, one of my goals this year was I had three airports I wanted to fly to. I already did two of them. Now I got to do Paso Robles, all right? And I got only nine more days to do it.

[Bill Burr]

But you know what? If I don't do it.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I don't do it. I'm not going to get involved and get their it.

[Bill Burr]

Would you look at all these comedians on tv. Nikki Glazer doing the Golden Globes. I saw her run that thing down the. Was it the improv? She ran a monologue.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

She crushed it. And I saw Pete Davidson doing a. Doing a fucking commercial. Donald Trump at the Kennedy Center.

[Bill Burr]

He fucking took it over. All these liberals are gonna make fun of me. No, somehow he. Somehow he puts his name on it. I mean, that's fucking. The dude is diabolical. I mean, I know a lot of people don't like his politics, but. But it's like Dr. Evil shit. He showed up at a roast, Seth Meyers, and fucking Obama made fun of him, destroyed him, stuck him right in the middle of the room. Made fun of him. Like, what are you trashing Obama for? He's president. He's making important decisions. And then a few years later, he was president. Obama was handing the keys over to him. It's the greatest revenge story after any roast I've ever heard of. Oh, my God. A guy on the Steelers just punched a guy with a blue wig on. And I stand by it. I stand by it. And the NFL better not fight him, because the guy in the blue wig was excited. He was excited that he got punched in his stupid face.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

What a fan that guy is.

[Bill Burr]

Now watch. He's going to get in trouble, and.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I'm sure they're getting chastised.

[Bill Burr]

You know, you got to be a professional. You should be doing shit like that. He said something that. There's no fucking way. I always support the athlete when they go over and punch somebody in the fucking crowd. Why has he got a pacifier? I don't know about that, but I'll tell you this. When you. When you fucking. The amount of shit that fans yell at people on the field, crazy wild shit that you wouldn't say to probably.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

A fat guy who was a little taller than you in a bar. And these are some of the most in shape people on the planet. And you're saying it because you feel safe, and they're making a zillion dollars, so they take it.

[Bill Burr]

But if they actually go over there.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And punch you, you. I wish I was running a leak.

[Bill Burr]

What did you say to him? Well, what the fuck did you think was gonna happen? No, I'm not giving you free. Well, fucking sue us. We got billions. We will bury you. We'll keep appealing it. Fuck you. Stop talking shit to people. You can't beat up world do you grow up in? Why can't it be like that? Why? Because the customer's always right.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

No, you're not. That's not the truth. You see what they do to their customers? You see the food that they feed them, Feeding them cancer. And then they tell them to stand up for cancer.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, the hypocrisy bill. Is that what you're talking about right now? I did see a commercial.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

For this. For this cruise ship. How do those things float?

[Bill Burr]

It was a cruise ship that had.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

A fucking amusement park, like a legit amusement park on it. And the first three questions I had for anybody that takes a cruise that has an amusement park on it.

[Bill Burr]

A, how bored are you? B, how fat are you?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And C, what is your favorite song? Those are the questions. I mean, that whole vacation package just says, I don't think. I don't think for myself. I just like if it's shiny, if it's big, if the music is right. Good Lord, look at that woman with her clam out on a fucking Christmas thing. That's.

[Bill Burr]

It's unbelievable.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

You know, I feel really bad for prostitutes.

[Bill Burr]

You used to be able to spot a hooker.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Now every. Every woman out there is like hooker chic.

[Bill Burr]

How do you know who's selling their ass? And you know who's just gonna. About ready to take a picture of their breakfast burrito? I mean, it's a very confusing world. Touchdown, Lions. Oh, was that a beauty. 155 to go in the second quarter. If you're paying attention at home, that was a beautiful pass and catch. Jared Goff. I always root for this guy. First of all, anybody named Jared, you.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Have to just have to be excited that they escaped Utah or Wyoming, wherever they're from.

[Bill Burr]

Jared. Jared just says, my parents were too.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Religious, you know what I mean? Something weird's going on in between two defenders. That was amazing. The guy, the guy. The guy coming over the top. Could have hit him a little harder. Why does he look like Theo Vaughn? The guy who just fucking caught that ball? Jesus. Billy's losing now, seven to three. Goddamn Steelers. Can't move the fucking ball.

[Bill Burr]

What's his name? Tesla. Tesla.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Jared Goff. You know, no longer a Mormon, he's living in dirty ass Detroit and they're fucking, they're balancing him out. That's a good balance, huh? You grow up in Salt Lake City and then you go to work in Detroit. You know, one's too clean, the other's too filthy, and somehow Jared just ends up being this perfectly balanced person. No, I Didn't like how the Rams got rid of him, so I rooted for this guy to get a goddamn super bowl ring. I mean, Matthew Stafford obviously worked out for the Rams, but, you know, the coach could have said he. You know, he could have said something. Should you be allowed to dress up like Santa? If you're in shape?

[Bill Burr]

At least you got.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

At least put the fake pillow in there, right? Or does the NFL not allow that? Let me guess. They keep replaying this because they're trying to see if it was a shot to the head. No, he got him on the elbow. Anyway. Okay, so let's get back to those three questions.

[Bill Burr]

How bored are you? I'm not bored.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I love taking cruises and I love roller coasters. And when I found that they combine.

[Bill Burr]

Those two worlds and they had s'. Mores.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

It's great.

[Bill Burr]

You don't even have to do them.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Over the fire because you're in the Caribbean. You just melt them in the sun.

[Bill Burr]

So I think that's the answer to the first one. How fat are you? Their answer is compared to who?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

You know, because if. Probably the whole family, you know. Do you think it's the buoyancy of the. The passengers that help the boat stay afloat? Actually, no. I love this. They're showing it again. He missed them, too. God bless Metcalfe. I would give him Player of the Week. That's good. Every once in a while, an athlete has to punch somebody in the crowd just to keep it fair, you know? Wasn't that bad. All right. What is your favorite song? I don't know what the answer to that is, but I can tell you this. I was in my wife's car, and I was in the middle of the electric confusion that is my wife's car. Like, how do I turn the volume up? Where is the volume? Is it on the steering wheel? Do I swipe the inside of the windshield? It's like. It's like flying a spaceship. So you know, Billy Old School.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I'm listening to some White Snake, right? So I want to. I want to listen to Slow and Easy, right? I mean, it's Sunday. Some people listen to Lionel Richie easy like Sunday morning, you know, I'm a white dude from the suburbs, so I listen to White Snake Slow and Easy, which is a love song, you know, if you're in the right mood. And I go to put it on.

[Bill Burr]

And I can't find the. They got the extended version. Blah, blah, blah.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I ended up just clicking on one because I'm driving down the street. You're not supposed to drive distracted even though the entire dashboard is a iPad. So I. Oh, Metcalf just dropped the ball. I bet that blue haired guy's really going to get on him now. Maybe he'll give him a combination this time. Wouldn't it be amazing if a athlete went the crowd literally just beat somebody to death.

[Bill Burr]

Like how much would you shut the.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Up the next game you went to.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

There would still be somebody going after he beat him to death. Big hey, Mr. Metcalf, can you sign this for me?

[Bill Burr]

Anyway.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Sorry. So I'm making fun of people that take cruise ships and I listen to white snakes slow and easy. So anyway, I, I click on it and it was the board mix from 1983. It's like I, I don't need to.

[Bill Burr]

I don't need to know what it felt like when you guys listened to this and you like, yeah, no, this isn't it, this isn't it. Cuz it wasn't as good as the one that they ended up with.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I, I don't need.

[Bill Burr]

Do I need the ones that like the engineer, the producer and the artist themselves were like, yeah, this isn't good enough to release. Why do I want to hear that? Just give me the original one there.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

To the bone. Anyway, if I knew how to pop lock, that's the song I would listen. I would pop lock to boom gank.

[Bill Burr]

Go back a door, Take me down slow and easy.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

That's when he got a skip. For some reason, skipping was okay for half a second. If you put a little gallop in there, skip, skip, gallop, you know, up to the mic. That worked in like 1985.

[Bill Burr]

Suck my dick tonight won't wink a wiggle.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

My wife has not watched the Kardashians in forever. And all of a sudden she started watching them again and you know, now I'm fucking Billy. Good vibes. I'm little Billy the Christmas miracle. I don't get mad anymore. So she has it on. So I'm like, all right, I'll watch this shit with you. I gotta tell you something. That fucking Chloe, Chloe is funny.

[Bill Burr]

They went to go see this weirdo that like is like in his mid-40s.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Was trying to say he has as many erections every night as an 18 year old. He was saying this to all the.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking women and he was actually sitting at a table talking about like, you.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Know, mortality is now like a choice.

[Bill Burr]

He's sitting there with this wispy hair.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And this shoe polish in.

[Bill Burr]

Was super.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

It was really shade the whole thing. Was fucking shady.

[Bill Burr]

And a few of them were like, oh my God, I love this guy. But Chloe's like, I don't want the. This guy's talking like, I don't even know. I didn't need to know about your dick.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Middle kid, middle kid, always the class clown, trying to get the attention.

[Bill Burr]

Anyways, let's do the. Let's do a little advertising here, A little ad advertising here. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's hims. You know, according to the National Institutes of Health, as many as 30 million men in the US experience erectile dysfunction. It's more common than a bad night's sleep.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Oh, give me a fucking break. Nobody's sleeping these days.

[Bill Burr]

You tell me there's that many dicks staring at the floor?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I'm calling bullshit on that one.

[Bill Burr]

The good news, hims makes getting access to treatment simple. So you can feel like yourself again without the stress or awkwardness. Jesus, this just doesn't seem to want to be involved. Confidence shouldn't be complicated. Through hims, you can skip through the guesswork and get access to care that makes you dick stand up at attention. It actually fits your lifestyle. Straightforward, stress free and designed around you big moments like fucking. Your woman deserve less stress and more confidence. When erectile dysfunction or whatever you're fucking. Let's make this progressive. Whenever erectile dysfunction shows up in the bedroom. Where else would it show up at a fucking. What do you think? What is that stupid thing hipsters go to on Sundays? Farmer's market, huh? What do you got your dick out there near the fucking rutabaga when it shows up in the bedroom? Hymns Helps you keep your cool and focus. Hang on just a second. On what matters most. The moment, not the worry. Through hims you can get access.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Jesus Christ.

[Bill Burr]

How many times they gonna say this? Personalized prescription treatment options for erectile dysfunction like hard mints and SexRx, plus climate control if prescribed. You like that? They got a pill that even controls the air conditioning. You don't want your ball bag freezing up in the middle of sex. Once the hard mints kick in, Hims offers access to erectile dysfunction treatment.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Sounds like a death metal band. Ladies and gentlemen, we are erectile dysfunction.

[Bill Burr]

Oh. And then you take the hard man. Oh.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

As your dick comes up telling you.

[Bill Burr]

I know that wouldn't fly over here, but somewhere in Scandinavia there's somebody doing.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

It and they're selling tickets.

[Bill Burr]

Hims offers access to erectile dysfunction treatment options ranging from trusted generics that cost 95% less than bread. We can put a fucking generic thing on your dick. For treat yourself. Get some hard mints if prescribed. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. Himself brings expert care straight to you. To you. With 100% online access to personalized treatment plans that put your goals first. This isn't one size fits all. Oh, I get that joke. Care that forgets you in the waiting room. But does it work on every size dick? It's your health and your goals. Put first with real medical providers making sure you get what you need to get Rezai results.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I got the hiccups.

[Bill Burr]

I got heartburn from the ribs. To get simple online access to personalized affordable care for erectile dysfunction, hair loss, weight loss and more, visit hims.com Burr, you want a full head of hair looking slim with your dick standing up when you go to that amusement park on that cruise ship listening to White Snake slow. We need you. Go to himss.combrrrr for a free online visit. That's h I m s.combrrrr actual price.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Will depend on product and subscription plan. Feature products includes compound drum products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription requires the website for details, restrictions and important safety information.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Oh, my God. Look who it is.

[Bill Burr]

Quo.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Like the status quo.

[Bill Burr]

Is that what we're saying?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Is that what we're doing?

[Bill Burr]

Quo. Q U O. Q U O. Q U O. All right. Running a business on a clunky old phone system is like competing with one hand tied behind your back. And every time you miss a call, you know what happens? That's money left on the table, just sitting there. That's pass interference. No, we caught it. And it's a touchdown. Get the fuck out of here. That did not just happen. Was he down by contact? There's Metcalf. Look at him. Punching fans, scoring touchdowns. Is that Metcalf? Look at the Lions.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

No, that wasn't.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Wrong guy.

[Bill Burr]

Is that a touchdown? Sorry. Every time you miss a call, that's money left on the table. Put it on the table. Quo, spelled Q U O, is the modern alternative, built to help you work smarter, build stronger relationships, and never miss an opportunity. Because that's what your business and your customers deserve. Quo Quo is the number one business phone system built for 2025, not fucking 1995. Rated the top choice for customer satisfaction with over 3,000 reviews on G2. Forget juggling phones. What is that all about? Or using a landline. Hello? Quo works right from an app on Your phone or computer. Your whole team can share one number and collaborate on calls and texts. Like a shared inbox.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Somebody's going to get exposed on that.

[Bill Burr]

Faster responses, happy customers. Everybody's on the same phone line. What could go wrong? And hey, can't answer the phone. Quo's AI agent can. You didn't see that coming, did you? Welcome to whatever your business is. How may I help you?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I need a little more information.

[Bill Burr]

Qualified leads, routing calls to the right person and making sure no customer is ever left hanging. Even after hours. Quo's got you back. It keeps the light on while you actually sleep. That's why over 90,000 goddamn businesses are already running on Quo. From solo operators to growing teams. Quo helps businesses stay connected and look professional. Try it for free when you go to quo.com. burr, that's Q U O.com, you can even keep your existing number quo. No missed calls, no missed customers. All right, Evidently it was a touchdown. And my bet is looking good. Like that kick, you motherfucker. 10 to 10. Oh, look who it is. Everybody simply safe. If you could stop somebody from breaking in before they got inside, why wouldn't you?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Why wouldn't you?

[Bill Burr]

Most old school systems go off after someone's already in your place. That's too late. The dude's already in there. Simplisafe is different. It's proactive with the double layer of defense that stops crimes before they start. First, AI powered cameras spot potential threats. Why can't you have like a AI gun turret, you know, that shoots like paintballs, like, all right, all right, all right, all right.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

He runs away with yellow all over him. The color of shame. You coward, huh? Why don't you fucking break into my house when I'm here?

[Bill Burr]

First, AI powered cameras spot potential threats outside. Then live agents step in, taking to talking to the person through the camera. Shame on you. What do you think you're doing? Letting them know they're on video. And police will be dispatched if they don't leave.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

What do you mean if they don't leave?

[Bill Burr]

You should fucking call the cops. Either way, he's trying to break into the house. I'm warning you. You don't get away from here, I'm going to call the coppers. The dirty coppers. The dirty coppers. They can even trigger a loud siren or a spotlight. That's how you stop a crime before it starts. There are no long term contracts or any hidden fees. You can cancel any time. Named Best Home security system by U.S. news and World Report for five years running. 60 day money back guarantee. So you can try it and see the difference for yourself. This month. This month only. Sorry. Take 50% off any new system. This is one of the best prices you will ever see for Simplisafe. Don't miss it. Hit simplisafe.com burr again. That's simplisafe.com spurr s I m p l I s a f e dot com brrrr and lock in your discount. There's no safe like Simplisafe.

[Toyota Thon Announcer]

Toyota thon. Toyota thon. Toyota thon is on. Oh, what fun it is to drive a new Toyota today. Hey, Jan from Toyota here reminding you Toyotathon is on. Make your holiday wishes come true with a new Camry RAV4 Tacoma and more. All right, let's sing it together this time. Toyota thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Dealer inventory may vary. Toyota Thon ends January 5th. See your participating dealer for details. Toyota, let's go places. All right. And with that, let's get to the goddamn reads. Oh, wait a second. It's halftime.

[Bill Burr]

It's 10 to 10. Oh, Billy Betface is looking pretty good. He's looking pretty good.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

All right. I don't know why it always swirls back up. I didn't do that thing that you guys told me to stop doing. All right, here we go. First question. First question of the goddamn day. Metallica's battery for batter companies.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, wait, is somebody. Oh, they're coming up with a commercial.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Oh, for Metallica.

[Bill Burr]

I like this. Dear Bildo, the other week you were popping off marketing that should be used. Should use big songs that are obvious. Oh, yeah, I had little Wayne sitting in a hotel room having a good time and then, you know, a fancy hotel. So around 5 o' clock, there's a knock at the door and he's like, what? And they're like, turn down service. He's like, turn down for what? However that song goes. You know, it's a collaboration. Tommy Lee for Tacoma Toyota trucks. Because he said Tacoma like 50 times during that drum solo. So this person is adding to this. He's saying metallica battery for batter companies. What are batter companies?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Like cake batter?

[Bill Burr]

The other week you.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Okay, you were popping off about. Okay, one.

[Bill Burr]

One big one would be Metallica's battery, which has the lyrics. Cannot stop the battery, Cannot kill the battery.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Oh, it should be for battery companies. Right.

[Bill Burr]

A smaller audience would be Scorpions Rock you like a hurricane for the. The Maddie 40 beverage. I'm sure Anheuser Busch could afford the rights and the Scorpions could use the money.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Well, they're still out there touring.

[Bill Burr]

My lovely wife already trademarked Gucci Gucci goo for a high end baby line. That's hilarious. Gucci Gucci goo. They'd sue you twice, but I think. I don't know. I love that. That's if you actually. If they. If you made adorable. There's something annoying about high end baby baby clothes. You're just saying. I'm not going to be involved in my kid's life. I got four nannies. Look forward to seeing you in Pittsburgh again. Come for the draft anyways. Go fuck yourself. But Merry Christmas to the family there. All right. I like all of those. Those were all good ideas, I think.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Jesus, look at this fucking Middle Earth crazy movie. A visionary of modern seminar. Oh, Frankenstein.

[Bill Burr]

Why does it look like it's also.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

What's that movie with those blue people? Not the Smurfs, the tall ones.

[Bill Burr]

Avatar.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

It looked like Avatar.

[Bill Burr]

But he has.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Like that Vertilago whatever the it is. So like his skin's white instead of blue. And then he kind of looked at. He was boyfriends with the guy from the half A masked fan of the opera. That's what that looked like to me with the sound down. The sound does so much for movie promotion. This is how dumb I am. The other night I was watching this fucking.

[Bill Burr]

I don't.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I thought I was watching a TV show and I watched it for like a minute and then I said out loud, I go, oh, this is a trailer. And my wife's like, yeah. I was like, yeah. I was thinking, God, they're fucking moving along here. She just started laughing at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I was like, I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Like they didn't announce it. They just sort of went into it.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

From this other thing. It was something about Lilithfare.

[Bill Burr]

Was this all female like music festival from the.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Early 90s and they were making a documentary on it.

[Bill Burr]

In the middle of it, I believe.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

They brought up that somebody tried to bomb it. And I was like, where is this going? And then they just abandoned and they kept going. That's why I was just like, what.

[Bill Burr]

The fuck is going on?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Oh, it's a trailer. They're just showing you like what's going to happen.

[Bill Burr]

But I have to watch it because.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I just like, who the would bomb Lilith Fair?

[Bill Burr]

I'm trying to see what.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I mean. I understand misogyny. God, I built half my career on it. But you know, I. I stopped short.

[Bill Burr]

Of bringing a bomb to Lil Affair.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

So I gotta check that out. I'm babbling this week, people. I'm sorry.

[Bill Burr]

All right, let's. Let's keep.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Let's keep it going. All right, what do we got here? LA Witch Dilemma.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, Billy zen.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I'm a 30 year old guy from the Midwest. A couple weeks ago, I met an attractive and mysterious woman at my local coffee shop. This sounds like the beginning of a porno or a horror movie.

[Bill Burr]

She gave me Morticia Adams vibes. Which one is that?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Is that the. I never watched. I used to watch the Munsters. I watched the Munsters and I watched the Three Stooges. I didn't like the fucking Addams Family. The dad was just too weird. He didn't even have any makeup on. He just fucking. He was really weird. And then there was. What was those other guys. Either watch the Three Stooges or you watch those other guys with the Marx Brothers. I never watched the Marx Brothers. I like broad comedy. I don't like thinking, oh, now I got the hiccups. Oh, Jesus, I'm falling apart. Okay, she gave me Morticia Adams vibes, but I'm. But I'm into it. Okay, you're kind of goth. I understand it.

[Bill Burr]

We hit goth.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

We hit it off and went and got stuck sushi that night. The next line. Turns out that's not the only thing she likes raw.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, sorry. I stayed away from that Bills game. I knew that fucking game. There was something about it. Oh, no, I didn't. No, I didn't. I took the Bills. I'm a fucking asshole. Ah, Jesus, they're in a goddamn game. I'm giving away all kinds of points. Oh, Billy the Christmas Miracle can't pick a fucking game in his own goddamn division. All right, I'm a 30 year old.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Guy, blah, blah, blah.

[Bill Burr]

I'm kind of into it. All right, Turns out she was just in town on business and left the next day. Back to la. We've been texting nonstop and she wants me to go out and visit her for a few days in January Dilemma. The other day she told me she's an actual witch and has been mixed in with the occult spooky shit since she was a kid. I jokingly asked if she was going to put a hex on me and she replied, only if you hurt me. Kind of creeped me out. Bill, this woman is 47. She's intriguing, but I want to meet the right one and have kids one.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Day in the next few years.

[Bill Burr]

Probably not with her. Should I go to LA for a few Days adventure with this witchy lady and risk becoming a new a newt or a stay at home and freeze.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Alone and in the Illinois.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, wait, I fucked up his joke. He goes, should I go to LA for a few days adventure with this witchy lady and risk becoming a newt or stay home and freeze alone in Illinois in January? Cheers to therapy breakthroughs and go yourself. I would. I was gonna say to not go out there, but is that going to make her mad? Ooh, witchy woman. See how high she flies.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Yeah, I mean, women are vindictive enough. You don't need someone that actually knows how to put a fucking hex on you. I don't know, dude. You're doing the guy thing. You're like, just thinking like, all right, if she's a witch, she's going to be a animal in the rack. Like, is there any information out there about, you know what? I'm gonna. Yeah, you know what?

[Bill Burr]

Just for you guys, you know, it's the holiday season. It's the holiday season. Dooby dooby doo. I'm gonna do a search. Are witches good in bed? Which is kind of old. Aren't they good in bed?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Let's see what they say.

[Bill Burr]

According to various practitioners, modern occultists and cultural lore, witches are often associated with being exceptional in bed due to a focus on energy, intention and self awareness. The reputation stems from several key concepts within witchcraft. Who knew sex magic? They spell it with a K like.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Magikowski for the fucking packers.

[Bill Burr]

A common practice among many witches is using orgasmic energy as fuel for manifestations and intentions. Well, no wonder you vibe with this person.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

This sounds amazing.

[Bill Burr]

This practice often makes the sexual experience more deliberate and focused. You dialed in. You're ready for the playoffs. Heightened awareness. Many practitioners believe that witches are more in tune with their own bodies as well as the energy of their partners, which leads to more present, conscious and considerate. Are people daydreaming during sex? Being in the moment, you know, really seems to be a problem for a lot of people. Natural and herbal wisdom focus on pleasure confidence. Because they so often do not conform to traditional practical ideas of womanhood, they are sometimes perceived as empower more empowered and confident. Dude, you got to go meet this person. You know, you got to tell her, like, listen, I'm. I'm like, how. Well, how do witches feel about.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

For foul language?

[Bill Burr]

I would just be like, listen, I'm. I'm looking for a new love baby. No, I'm looking for a. I want to settle down and have a wife.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And a kid and some Kids, that's what I'm looking for.

[Bill Burr]

If that doesn't fit into your witchy.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Shit, then, you know, I. I don't. You know, I don't want to lead you on. Like, I'm looking for a relationship because I also don't need a hex put on me. But I am really attracted to you and I'd like to come out there and have like, regular person witch sex with you. See how that is? Is that all right with you? Just be up front, say it's smoother than that.

[Bill Burr]

All right? And I think you'll be all right. I think you should go to la, and I definitely think you should go to LA and hook up with a witch. All right.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

That. Out loud. That doesn't sound. It sounded good in my head. I don't know, but I don't know, dude.

[Bill Burr]

You're on your own.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

You're.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, that's a series right there. There's a witch, right? And like, too many people in la, you know that being in show business.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

They'Re just not good victims because we're always looking to get fucking stabbed in the back.

[Bill Burr]

So where do they go? They go out to the Midwest where all you wholesome people are to get their victims. But here's the thing. She can only fuck you and kill you if she's in la, you know, if you try to fuck her out in Chicago, she can't kill you. Think that's how it works? If I see one more fucking down home commercial. Remember how there was a time there when liberals were running shit and they acted like everybody was in an interracial relationship? Now that has been replaced by like.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Everybody'S like, standing out in the middle of fucking Wyoming. There's something about being out here.

[Bill Burr]

You just can't lie when you're out here on the prairie, you know, like people who live in the middle of fucking nowhere are somehow better people. Ed Gein lived in the middle of nowhere, okay? P. Diddy lived in la. There's fucking psychos everywhere. Can we just stop with this shit? Jesus Christ, can't you just go back to a barbershop quartet singing about fucking Aqua Velva? Is that too much to ask? Well, evidently it is.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

Moving to Germany. Dear old man Billy. I'm a 19 year old high school student. I got back from Germany a few months ago as part of an exchange program. I was there for a year and I fell in love with it all. The people, history. History. Wow.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

The cities, everything as a result of talking with the people. I met there and the host family to whom I am close. I have decided once I'm going to move to Jeopardy, I will be able to stay with my family. Host, my former host family when I first get there. I have gone as far as to go to the German embassy in dc. I live nearby and I am in the final process of getting a visa. Sorry for the long prologue. My question. That's fucking great. Like I wish, you know, if I was younger, I would definitely go live in another country.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I think that's a tremendous, tremendous, tremendous experience to have. I'm happy for you.

[Bill Burr]

Plus, you're also like in the middle of. You're in like the middle of like.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Sort of the Midwest, not quite of Europe.

[Bill Burr]

So you can do east, you can do, you can come to coast, you.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Can go down to the fucking Mediterranean and it's great. Scandinavia is just north. It's fucking great. Fantastic. Anyway, the person goes on to say.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry for the long prologue. My question for you is, how do you suggest I go about telling my.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Family about my plans?

[Bill Burr]

How would you want your son to.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Tell you something similar?

[Bill Burr]

Any advice will help. Thanks.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And hopefully see you in Germany soon.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I didn't think there was anything wrong. I would be excited if my kid wanted to live abroad. I think that's.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

You got to love Dan Campbell.

[Bill Burr]

He literally looks like he could be.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

In that movie, the Incredibles. Anyway, I don't think there's a problem.

[Bill Burr]

So obviously your parents, do they have a problem with Germany or do they. They just, you guys are like homebodies.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

And they want you nearby and they're.

[Bill Burr]

Going to miss you and all of.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

That type of shit. I think.

[Bill Burr]

I would just tell him, you're not going there forever, are you?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

You're just going there. Just tell them, you know, I vibe with the place.

[Bill Burr]

I want to live over there.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I feel like it's going to be a good experience.

[Bill Burr]

And someday, you know, when I get older and I get married and I make you guys grandparents, you know, they'll like hearing that then, you know, I can fucking. I'll come back. I'll come back with a. What's a Fraulein? Well, that's cool.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I'm happy for you.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what your parents thoughts are on that.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

So I don't think it's. It's not like it doesn't seem like a big thing to tell them. Not trying to diminish your story.

[Bill Burr]

Not trying to not validate your journey.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Aaron Rodgers is so fucking old. He looks like a guy going to the game. It's what I'm loving. Him and Philip Rivers still out there slinging it.

[Bill Burr]

Slinging it.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

All right, Well, I got 10 minutes to go.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what the fuck to talk about that.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

That.

[Bill Burr]

What's the podcast? Oh, I'm still doing. I'm still doing my. There you go, Metcalf. I love Metcalf. I already loved him. I loved him when he was on Seattle, but now that he punched a fan, look at his arms.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

What are you doing yelling at this guy? Fucking jerk off. He didn't even hit him either. Cunt. Stupid guy with his blue fucking wig. We get it, you're a Lions fan anyway. That'd be a great thing to do. Pay a. Like have a benefit to pay an athlete's fan his fine that punched somebody in the crowd.

[Bill Burr]

He's fans, you know, fans for athletes.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Not taking from loser fans.

[Bill Burr]

Whatever.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Whatever you would call the organization there. But anyways, I've been playing drums and I'm still doing that thing trying to free myself up the flow mode. And I'm finding it's. It's starting to. Starting to seep into my playing all of a sudden.

[Bill Burr]

I'm starting to hear Phil's and I'm.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Able to, you know, kind of start to play them.

[Bill Burr]

I'll tell you, you know, it's a.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Really fun song to jam to.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

That's my jam. What is the name of it?

[Bill Burr]

It was like a hit for a.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Second and then I stumbled upon it. I heard it. I heard the goddamn thing and I was like, I'm downloading that because I want to play to that.

[Bill Burr]

Nobody speak.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

DJ Shadow is a really fun song to play to and also to play 16th notes to during the chorus. And also just. It's a great tempo to just sort of play Phil's, the whole song and try to like free yourself up. I. I find I. I have much more ideas if I just. I. If I played it like a medium. Just play Phil's over a medium tempo song as opposed to listening to a click. That's just. Doesn't. Doesn't get me going.

[Bill Burr]

As opposed to the other. Look at the fucking Steelers. Just drive down the field and get me a goddamn touchdown. Could you please, could you do that? Old Man Rivers. No, sorry.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Aaron Rodgers, Roger Wilco. We'll comply. He's gonna get old Billy a fucking touchdown here. Arizona, Atlanta game. Now there's a game I stayed away from. Jacksonville beating Denver.

[Bill Burr]

Who knew? Raiders hanging with the Houston Texans. None of this makes sense.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I don't know.

[eBay Announcer]

Anyway.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, up the middle to the 10 yard line. Dude. Chewing up the clock, too. That's what I like about the Pats, man.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

We have a nice running game.

[Bill Burr]

Eating.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Up the clock, even though, you know, we let the Bills come back last week. What are you gonna do?

[Bill Burr]

Was that the most subtle fucking straight.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Arm you've ever seen in your life?

[Bill Burr]

He barely touched that guy. Barely touched him.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

You ever see those highlights of Derek Henry just stiff arming people? It literally looks like he's throwing his son through a screen door and he's doing it to an adult. Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers. He's not gonna scramble. Jesus Christ. He should be wearing loafers that have like the cleat things that the spikes on the bottom.

[Bill Burr]

They should have him like, you should.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Have like a fucking lazy boy with a little table and like an Arnold Palmer just stare into it. ARP card advertising on the back of it. You gotta love a fucking old quarterback. You know, they always dye the hair on top, but they. They let their whiskers come in white. Anyway, people, I'm gonna stay on this podcast is going to end after this touchdown here. So it's second and eight. Aaron Rodgers looks like he's got a handoff. Dumps the ball off the guy.

[Bill Burr]

He just.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

He just plows through. He almost loses the ball. The Lions are claiming it's theirs. Don't.

[Bill Burr]

And they're saying it's on the goddamn. It's on the ground.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

How dare you. Oh, Campbell hooking his son up in the fucking secondary. I mean, this is why they're not winning.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, do you want to win games.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Or do you want to make your kids dream come true?

[Bill Burr]

Um. Oh, they better run that quick. They better run that quick. They better run that quick. Was he on the ground? I don't have my glasses. Fuck. Fuck you. No, no.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Look at Aaron. He's about ready to blame everybody. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Bill Burr]

It's out. That ball is out. That ball is out. You dead for review. Bill Burton go himself. Time out. Time out. We're gonna check the reef. We're the replay. Yeah, this is Mike. Run that back. Oh, that ball is out.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

You son of a. Dan Campbell's kid. Look at that. And then they go right to a burrito. Like that's supposed to make me feel better. I hate how Chipotle acts like that. They're out there with all these fresh vegetables. I've never seen that when I went in there. It is kind of funny how they rock, you know?

[Bill Burr]

This time, you know, now we're actually using real food.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

All right, you guys are just going to hang here for these commercials. These AI animals trying to sell me something.

[Bill Burr]

Doesn't everybody have insurance at this point?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

How long is progressive going to advertise?

[Bill Burr]

You think that people.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Every week, they got to buy it. Friends and family. All right. I don't know what to talk about. Okay. Anyway, I'm going to hit the clubs this week because I have, like a new 20 minutes where I'm all, you know, you know, Billy, not anger. Angry. And it's. It's really coming together, man. I got. I got everything in there from not being angry to suicide. It's. It's. It's. You know, I'm running the gamut there. Running the gamut. I just got to make sure that I hang on to it. I just got to keep doing that. And then, you know, I got a couple acting gigs next year, and I just got to see when they're gonna happen. And then from there, I can start booking my. My stand updates and I'm just gonna go back to all my favorite places that I've done through the years. I don't want to name the places because I don't know if they're. Oh, fuck it. I'll tell you. I'll tell you some of my favorite theaters. See the Chicago theater, Massey hall in Toronto, the Tabernacle in Atlanta. Oh, The Fox in St. Louis. There's some great ones. There's really, really some great ones. And then I want to go out with Dean. I want to do like a run through, like, Idaho, Montana, and down into Wyoming and rent some bikes, you know, when it warms up. Obviously I'm thinking of doing that. All right, we're back to the game. We're back to the God damn game. Ah, it's a fumble. That ball is out. I mean, Jesus, how many times you got to look at it?

[Bill Burr]

How many times you gotta look at it?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

All right, just.

[Bill Burr]

Just do it. Just tell me. Just tell me it's not. It's not a touchdown. And then we're not going to get a touchdown.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

They get no points. Oh, yeah. Yep. No points.

[Bill Burr]

You.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

Jared Goff with poise, throws it out of bounds. All right, maybe they have a little three and out we start over again. You hate to see it. You just hate to see it. Anyways. Oh, Washington, you were so close. What are you shaking his hand for? It's all right. You'll get him next time. You'll get him next time. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Thank you to everybody that came out to Cerritos. Beautiful theater down there, by the way. And thanks to Dean and Ambria opening up for me, the crowd. You guys were fucking awesome. And I've been loving all of these theaters that I've been playing out here in la. Thousand Oaks, Cerritos, Riverside, these. All these great places. And all you guys that came out really helped my act, really helped shape it. And I'm gonna have some killer shows in 2026. Thank you to all you guys for keep supporting me, this podcast, all of this.

[Bill Burr]

If you keep giving a. I'll keep doing it.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I love it. All right, that's it.

[Bill Burr]

Go yourselves. Have a great Christmas. Is Christmas gonna happen to us today?

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

22Nd, 23rd, 24th.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, wait a minute. I gotta do the Thursday afternoon podcast. I'll talk to you on Christmas, you jolly so and so's. All right, that's it.

[Bill Burr's Co-host or Guest]

I'll see you.

[Bill Burr]

Wait a second. This is the epilogue. The second I hit stop, the Steelers just got a safety. I'm up by. I like. I got. I got points. And we're up by two. That is my favorite thing when I'm at a football game, is if my team gets a safety. And then everybody in the crowd, everybody, for some reason, that is the one fucking signal. Not only does everybody know referee signal, everybody knows that everybody does it. It's like the shark fin above your fucking head. All right, look at that. See you get down in the dumps. Little Santa Claus there gives me the goddamn safety. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful holiday, you bastards.

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