← Monday Morning Podcast
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- [00:02]
A
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 23, 2026. 6 6. What's going on, man? How's it going this Monday? Geez, here we go again. March Madness. NHL coming to a close of the regular season. Final two weeks. Dude, the NBA.
- [00:32]
B
NBA goes on forever. NBA just keeps going. Like people traveling, you know, it's a metaphor for how long their season is and how long the playoffs go. They almost go into July now. Taking four steps, a Euro step. Then you can do a James Brown slide.
- [00:50]
A
And then everybody's got to clear out of the paint, get out of the paint. You are not allowed to defend your own goal. Get the fuck out of the way of it, and at the last second, jump in when the guy's already got a head of steam coming down the fucking lane. And then you're going to end up on SportsCenter getting dunked on. So instead, what you do is you just. You don't contest it. I will say this, though.
- [01:13]
B
The best shooters collectively the NBA has ever seen. It's like the fucking Globetrotters out there. Got a guy out there like 8ft
- [01:20]
A
tall, just draining threes. Draining threes like he's Steph Curry. It doesn't even make any sense.
- [01:29]
B
Anyway. They pick up their dribble, the top of the other team's key and just run.
- [01:36]
A
As long as you do that Euro step. I don't know what it is. I think it's because they're trying to go global with it.
- [01:42]
B
And Europeans still like, maybe. I don't know, maybe they're not good at dribbling.
- [01:45]
A
They're great at shooting.
- [01:46]
B
I don't think they're good at dribbling. So they let them do, like. No, you know what it is? I think they wear a lot of, like, loafers over there, you know, and they just used to kind of like sliding over somewhere, you know, and lighting a cigarette all in the same way. That's how you get like, pussy in Austria or something. So I think they're just used to doing that. So now it's like, all right, you know, we want to go global. We got Dirk in. So now Germany's into this shit or whatever the fuck he's from. And then they just think, we got this guy in the Nuggets. Now those other kind of. I think they just do that. That's just how it goes anyway.
- [02:21]
A
Although his in his country, it's like Thunderdome.
- [02:24]
B
When you do the Jokic, right? I Don't know much about NBA, but, like, I saw like, footage one time. They asked me if he was intimidated about, you know, playing over here. And then he sort of laughed. And then they cut to this footage of what it's like. I mean, it just seemed like. It seemed like they were going off to war. Like, it made me like it was unsettling.
- [02:54]
A
There's passion and then there's like, is somebody gonna die? Like, this feels like very nationalistic.
- [03:00]
B
I don't understand.
- [03:01]
A
This is just still a sporting event, right? Anyway,
- [03:07]
B
I got to go to a pool party today. Oh, my God. Like, it's just as a ginger, I. You think, like, they gotta know, like, why would you invite me to this? So the two things. Two things is a ginger, you know, like, socially, if they were done at night. I often wonder what my life would be like. Like, if pool parties and golf were at night, you know, I don't think I would have questioned anything. And I would have fell right in line, you know, got a middle management job, you know, agreeing with somebody who's a little fatter than me. I think that's how you tell, like the power structure of a company. You know, the higher you go up in like middle management, like, the more. The fatter the person is, the more juice they got. And then once you push through to the other side, then all of a sudden they're all like super fit CEOs, you know, they're all amazed at themselves and their ability to save the company money that they immediately put in their own pocket, you know, like, you ever try to put something together now, like a toy or some shit, you look at the instructions, how underwritten they are, you know, like say they needed four pages, they'll do like a quarter of a page now. And you just got to like, figure it out. And then like, it saves all this money in printing. And then everybody in the company is like, oh, my God, Jeremy, that was brilliant. That's amazing what you just did.
- [04:42]
A
You totally the customer, but you saved all that money. And he's like, yeah, time to write myself a nine figure bonus. I don't understand how that's legal. That's all these guys do is they come in as the new CEO, they fire like 5,000 people, they make the product shittier, and then all. But by the time everybody realizes it's a shitty, shittier product, everybody went out and bought the next generation of it. And then as everybody's saying this company, that guy takes all the money that he out of the customers and firing those People as a bonus. And then he abandons the company and then go somewhere else. They must divvy it out with the air quote shareholders, which is the people that sit on the board. They're all fucking criminals. They're just on the legal side of stealing. It was much better when the mob
- [05:35]
B
was running shit, you know, because they were on the illegal side of stealing, so they could only go so far.
- [05:41]
A
And even then it was a bunch
- [05:44]
B
of Italians, so they had a sense of family. They actually appreciated their neighborhood, you know. But these legal side, you know, Northern European white dudes. Oh my God, we're the worst.
- [06:07]
A
Just the most heartless people around, dude. Anyways, Bruins. I can't believe I'm gonna say this. They had back to back wins on the road. Back to back wins on the road, six to one victory in, in Winnipeg.
- [06:27]
B
And then we went to Detroit, which by the way, I got to give them a shout out. Great uniforms this year by the way. Some of them I still. The Home Depot, Anaheim, Mighty Ducks. I don't know about those, but like the, the Detroit Red Wings with those old school red jerseys with the brown gloves like they. Like Gordie Howe is going to skate out on the ice. Amazing, incredible uniforms. And it was my favorite win of the year. I just thought it was like a complete victory. First of all, Jeremy Swayman standing on his fucking head.
- [07:05]
A
42 out of 44, 42 saves.
- [07:10]
B
And then I felt like everybody scored. I kind of watched the games back to back because I didn't watch Winnipeg until saddy. And then I watched the, the Red Wings right after that. So I think, let's see, I gotta go backwards. Houstoninoff got the empty netter from Pasta. Nikita just Doro had like a legit fucking goal. Like skated right in top of the circle using the defenseman as a fucking, I don't know, whatever you call blind spot shield.
- [07:47]
A
I don't know what, just sniped it. Short side. I want to say Victor Iverson got one. Pasta had one.
- [07:58]
B
Who else? I don't know. Both games kind of combined. Brought that new kid up, Lucas, right? He drew a penalty shot on a breakaway. What's his face, that kid from Chicago who's been with Detroit for a long time. I can't remember any of the names. I do like that left wing on the first line for the, for the Red Wings. They had a fun team. They had a fun team to watch. Anyway, two road victories. Oh yeah, that Lucas kid. His welcome to the NHL moment. Did you see when he went over the blue line tried to do some little something along the boards and that defenseman just clobbered him. Just pushed him down and took the puck away from him.
- [08:51]
A
It's like, don't try that up here.
- [08:54]
B
The are you doing making your own little high. You know, I wasn't even that like, fancy what the hell he was trying to do the. Is that kid's name.
- [09:01]
A
It's one of the best stick handlers ever.
- [09:05]
B
He's with Chicago and I was surprised
- [09:07]
A
they got, they got Patrick Kane, right?
- [09:13]
B
Anyway, I'm getting ready. I'm on. I'm going on the road today, buddy. What do you say there, dude? What's up, kid? What's going on, Doctor? I'm going to fucking Utah. One of the most beautiful cities in the United States. Just absolutely gorgeous. Also, that's where in 1979, the Indiana State Sycamores went up against the Michigan State Spartans.
- [09:39]
A
Bird versus Magic for the first time. How do I know that? I just got done reading Keith o' Brien's Heartland, A Forgotten Place, An Impossible Dream, and the Miracle of Larry Bird.
- [09:55]
B
It's, it's, it's an incredible book.
- [09:57]
A
One of the most in depth things
- [09:59]
B
I've read on Larry, and it's also one of the best sports biographies I've read. I would put it up there with my favorite of all time, which is Andre. Andre Agassiz Open. You haven't read that one? I highly recommend them. All right. I do deep reading, people. What I did love was, was just all those NBA names from back in the day when the Kings were still in Kansas City. And just, you know, there was like 26 teams or something like that. Joe Barry Carroll, Sydney Moncrief, Adrian Dantley. Was that the name? Who's the guy? He played for DePaul. Just. He was like built like a football player. Six, six or six, seven. And could just shoot the lights out. He went to the Mavericks and then ended up with the. The Pistons. And he was just one of those guys, I hope I'm saying the right name. I was always a hockey guy. He used to just be a nightmare when that guy used to heat up. Him and Andrew Toney, I'll never stop talking about that guy. Andrew Toney for the Philadelphia 76ers, around before the three point line. That guy, the Boston Strangler. That was his nickname. That's when it was great, man. When somebody like was killing your team so bad they named him after a serial killer in your hometown. Like, there's no way. If someone was killing the Bucks. Every time they came to town, he would be called the Jeffrey Dahmer, the Ed Gein, Silence of the Lambs. There's no way they would do that. It would be considered in. Inconsiderate to the. To the victims or whatever.
- [12:16]
A
I will say this.
- [12:17]
B
I do.
- [12:17]
A
I. I have. I will say this.
- [12:19]
B
I do use that expression. I probably use it incorrectly.
- [12:24]
A
There's a lot of people on the
- [12:25]
B
Internet and they watch these old highlights of the NFL, and they go, this is a fucking football I enjoy watching.
- [12:34]
A
And it's like, oh, yeah, you know what you should do? You should go fucking watch videos of
- [12:38]
B
people who played football like that, and the fucking agony and how much their lives suck.
- [12:45]
A
It's.
- [12:45]
B
I hate people who are brave with other people's bodies. You know, back when you fucking play
- [12:51]
A
football, all right, you go out there. You go out there with your fucking brain. You go get knocked around like that, and you ask me, you go back to the. We'll go resurrect Veterans Stadium. You go play in a fucking parking lot lot and have somebody. And you will send you over the middle, and then you tell me if
- [13:05]
B
that's the kind of football you like watching.
- [13:10]
A
Another favorite one is they'll show a
- [13:12]
B
clip from a movie back when you could do jokes like this.
- [13:16]
A
It's like, dude, you're on the Internet. You are one click away from free pornography. Like, what. What the. Are you talking about pornography? Not pornography. Pornography. People acting like they're being censored. It's like, you're on the Internet. You can watch somebody get beheaded. Is that not enough for you? You know, they still have to make jokes like, they used to make them on the office. Like, what are we arguing here
- [13:50]
B
anyways? It is Sunday, everybody. I got to go to this goddamn. I got to go to this fucking pool party, kid. Oh, it's the worst. I show up. Everybody asked me for the 90th summer and my 57th summer in a row if I'm aware of how my. How white my legs are. I. I am aware. Yes, I am. And then we got to get you in the shade. No, you don't. You don't. I will find the shade. Believe me, I will find the ship. Oh, my God.
- [14:22]
A
You just. You just, like, burn up, right? Hey, man, you are doing groundbreaking research on gingers.
- [14:32]
B
You know, it's always the bad stuff. You know, it's not the good. You know how gingers can drink, like, a double espresso and 20 minutes later, go to bed. Anesthesia. You need extra force. It's never that. It's always like, you burn up in the sun.
- [14:49]
A
Yeah.
- [14:49]
B
Yes, we do. We do, in fact, burn up in the sun. Thank you. Anyway, plowing ahead here, I didn't get a chance to see the Moto GP yet. I finally realized it's on like Fox Sports out here. I don't know where it is. So now I've recorded this series. I missed it. They were in Brazil this week. I would love to go to that one. I've never been to South America. You know, a gorgeous continent, gorgeous people, great food, language. Some of the sickest rock fans on the planet. If not these sickest fans, like any. Some of those clips are like AC DC and people like that. Going down there, it made me feel like. Did they get bored when they go to the United States? I mean, when they go to South America, they go. They're going absolutely insane.
- [15:48]
A
Yeah. I'll tell you, it's like the basketball
- [15:50]
B
fans in Eastern Europe. Wait a minute, are we falling behind that too? First education, now cheering on sports and rock. Mexican coke tastes better than ours.
- [16:07]
A
What are we doing? The fuck are we doing?
- [16:11]
B
We gotta. We gotta get our together over here.
- [16:16]
A
Did we forget how to party? I think we did. We're so where everything's politicized. We're all screaming and yelling at each other. You know what? Fuck this. I'm taking my shirt off at the pool party like I did back in the 80s. Walking out of there looking like a lobster. Everybody's eyes watering when they're looking at me. I'm gonna bring it back. Bringing it back
- [16:38]
B
to the Hub. What was that?
- [16:40]
A
Was that Jefferson Starship? That was, you know, as far as, like, just.
- [16:48]
B
There's a couple of bands that just became two different bands.
- [16:52]
A
Chicago, Jefferson Airplane, then when they were Jefferson Starship. Yeah, you would know.
- [16:56]
B
The same people were in the band. Completely different.
- [17:01]
A
It was kind of smart of them
- [17:02]
B
to change their name, though, because then they could kind of embrace whatever that sound was from the 80s that. I gotta be honest with you, I'm not a fan of. Although I will say. I will say this. I will use this expression in the wrong way. I fucking was coming home from hanging out with my lovely wife the other day and Phil Collins Studio came on. And the level that I hated that song when it came out, and the amount of times I shut it off in the decades after. And then I was listening to it, I'm like, it's actually kind of interesting. I think I went away from it long enough that it actually became like, cool. Again. Well, I didn't like it the first time around, but I don't know, I was out pitching to my kids in the backyard today, and it's funny, my son still says it. He goes, dad, can you throw me some hits? So I finally, you know, he's getting older, so I'm finally giving him about it. Go throw you some hits. You keep talking me like that, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. Not only am I gonna strike you out, I'm gonna put the K's up on the side of the house. He doesn't know what I'm talking about, but it felt good to say that, you know, every once in a while you got to have like a self esteem moment. You know, I kind of had that the other night. Like, somebody just came at me. You know, like when people like talk to you like they, like, you work for them and you kind of have to remind them that you don't. And you just do it with tone and you don't curse, you just sort of mimic how they're speaking. Having said that out loud, it's like really childish. But you got to kind of like, you got to bark back with those people to remind them, like, yeah, I don't know what army you're running, but I, I didn't enlist, you lunatic. And today I lost my temper a little bit.
- [19:09]
A
But I'm all right with it because I. Because it only happens like once every
- [19:13]
B
couple of weeks now. I've kind of had to have like a new relationship with anger and also be like, all right, now that I'm not angry anymore, anger is still an emotion. And the same way I blew off like crying, it's like, no, crying is an emotion.
- [19:27]
A
You're feeling it, you're just blocking it out.
- [19:29]
B
You're supposed to do it and you're just forcing yourself not to do it.
- [19:33]
A
So the key is to not get
- [19:35]
B
like angry over stupid shit. Or if you start getting mad, you got to stop. So this morning I was back in my old truck up, and the gate was busted. And I'm like, ah. And like, I don't know, I used the remote control and then I set it down. I had to go out and take the COVID off and fix the thing. And then I go back into my truck and I just cannot find my remote control. And I'm checking my pockets and I'm looking, did it fall on the ground? Is it under my truck? And blah, blah, blah. And I was searching for like 10 minutes. I was kind of thinking like, wow, this is Amazing. You know, I haven't lost my temper or anything. And then I went inside to ask for a flashlight. And at this point, I had already, like, you know, gone out, got everybody breakfast. I put together a basketball hoop. I went to down to go run an errand for my wife. I'm running all around. Everybody else is still in their pajamas. In other words, I'm having a dad. Typical dad day, right? So I go in and I asked my son for the flashlight.
- [20:38]
A
I don't know where it is, you
- [20:39]
B
know, and he walks like half a mile an hour. And I find school. You get the damn flashlight. Course, right? Is. Is. I didn't say goddamn. I just said damn flashlight. But, you know, every once in a while, you know, he.
- [20:48]
A
He knows what he's doing. He doesn't want to do it, so he's pretending like he doesn't know where you know where it is. You've been flashing that thing in my face for the last three days. Like, I got pulled over for drinking and driving.
- [21:01]
B
You know where it is. So he goes up and he gets the thing, and I went down. I ended up finding it. I'd set it on top of the bench seat. I didn't realize it was there. And when I went to, like, look behind the seat, you know, I opened it fast, and it's. It fell down into the back of the seat because the back of the seat doesn't have any material. You can just see the springs that it fell down in there. It was like a magic trick. And I couldn't find the goddamn thing. So then I found it, ran the errand, and I came back, apologized to my wife. You know, she appreciated, but it's also only. It was only for half a second, you know, kissed her until she smiled, and. And then I moved on. There you go. So that was all right. Didn't beat myself up. And now, you know, I'm looking for my sunblock, and I'm about ready to head out to this. This fucking pool party.
- [21:56]
A
Dude,
- [21:59]
B
who invites a ginger to a pool party? You know, that's one of the ones. I'm not gonna feel left out if you don't. If you don't invite me, you know,
- [22:07]
A
by the way, the Patrice O' Neill Comedy Benefit, April 25, New York City City center. You tickets still available? If you want to get some, I would.
- [22:18]
B
I suggest you get them soon before they get down to singles. I have not looked at a ticket count, but I know once. Once. Once we get into the same month as the benefit tickets start moving I also know people are hurting out there. You know what I mean? It's fucking brutal economy. I just saw the gas prices are up, and then everything else goes up. It's fucking. I don't know. It's always darkest before the dawn. Then we'll turn it around. It's going to be good. We're gonna start living clean. We're gonna respect the environment. No more stupid wars. It's. It's gonna happen some point, you know, we're gonna exhaust whatever the fuck it is we're doing. We're all gonna get on the same page, be like, hey, you know, we're all Americans.
- [23:04]
A
You can think this, I could think that, and we don't have to yell at. Yell at each other on the Internet. How about that?
- [23:09]
B
That would be nice.
- [23:10]
A
Maybe we can get these fucking nerds like, I swear to God, if I was running shit, if you had a bot on your fucking social media platform designed just to infuriate your fellow countrymen, you're going to jail for treason. That's it. All right, you fucking nerd. You think getting stuffed in a locker was bad in high school? How about getting fucking put in general population?
- [23:31]
B
All right, you fucking.
- [23:35]
A
Jiu Jitsu taken? Calculus Passing motherfucker. Jesus Christ. First thing first they know calculus. Now they know Jiu Jitsu and they own social media platforms. This is how. How long are we gonna turn our fucking eyes on this shit?
- [23:53]
B
They're already heartless.
- [23:55]
A
I do think it's cool that nerds
- [23:56]
B
take Jiu Jitsu now, you know, that's the. I think that is the answer.
- [24:00]
A
And then go confront your bully and fucking choke him out. That's a great little fucking made for TV movie in your own life. Do that instead of oppressing the world financially. Just a suggestion. All right. Fast Growing Trees, man. Did you know Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees and plants and over 2 million happy customers? Did you know that? Did you have time in your schedule to know that? Well, that's what I'm here for. To read this copy, to let you know they have all the plants your yard or home needs, including fruit trees, privacy trees, flowering trees, shrubs, and houseplants. No weed, though. No, I mean, they should just. Why? Why? At this point, it's legal. Why can't you just plant weed in my yard? All grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. Plus get online. Can you imagine if you had fruit trees in your fucking house?
- [24:59]
B
And weed, right?
- [25:04]
A
Bulletproof glass for the zombies, gun turret up top the fucking. You got all the sports packages. Incredible. Plus you get the privacy trees. You can see them, they can't see you. You're on the higher ground. Plus get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape, choose the right plants and learn to care for them every step of the way. You don't need a big yard or a lot of space. You can grow lemon, avocado, olive or fig trees indoors along with a wide variety of houseplants.
- [25:35]
B
I'm doing this. I'm signing up for this. I'm growing food inside.
- [25:39]
A
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- [27:01]
B
That would be fantastic. Get a kegerator, you're making guacamole.
- [27:08]
A
Everybody else is eating each other with
- [27:09]
B
the fucking zombies and the robots and
- [27:11]
A
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- [28:22]
B
What is it?
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A
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- [28:34]
B
It's Quo man.
- [28:36]
A
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- [28:52]
B
I'm assuming that means communication commms system
- [28:56]
A
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- [29:26]
B
I don't have my glasses, sorry.
- [29:27]
A
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- [30:30]
B
All right, I got to start being an asshole. You guys are gonna listen to all of These. All right, what is this one called?
- [30:36]
A
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God this one's the last one.
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C
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waiting at the car wash?
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- [35:05]
B
That's the end of it. Then I got to go to the fucking pool party and then I'll have
- [35:10]
A
some stories about that and when we return, but through the magic of editing, it's gonna take two seconds in your world. All right? All right. And I'm back. I survived the pool party.
- [35:24]
B
Everybody saw me coming.
- [35:25]
A
Hey, Bill, there's a chair with an umbrella right over there. I know, I know. Stick me in a bubble Stick me underneath the umbrella Drink a non alcohol beer anyway could have been a different life if I had pigment could have been a different life Pool parties. Become a member of a country club. Hey, Mark, how you hitting them? Oh, that's great. You got a new driver. You loving it? Oh, hey, remind me to stay away from you, huh? Am I right? Could have been that life could have been that life all right, let's get into your questiones for the week. Needing my address. Hi, Bill. I know you're annoyed when the checkout counter at the grocery store asks for your phone number when you buy food. I am annoyed as well. Thank you. That's great to hear. I don't feel crazy as they are obviously selling your data to the highest bidder for extra cash. My favorite thing is when you say to the person behind the register, you're just going to sell this. And like, no, we're not. And it's like, dude, you're not. You're not. You're not going to sell it. But once it goes in that little computer thing you got there, buddy, hey, you don't know where it's going to go. Person says, my question is this. How can comedy clubs justify asking for your phone number, email address, and home address just to buy a ticket to a show? They can't. They can't justify it. Why do you have to do all of that? You know what you need to do? You got to get a burner number. You got to get a fake email, sign up for fucking aol, send them to that goddamn fucking wasteland, and home address to buy. You don't have to. First of all, none of that has to be real. The burner number. So you have the tickets. The phony email address that you give to all of these cunts. That's the thing right now. You got to have, like, your shadow person.
- [37:30]
B
That's who you give it to. It's inevitable. They're gonna microchip everybody, which is hilarious.
- [37:37]
A
Literally, the people that kids are gonna come up with the microchip to microchip your kid to prevent them from getting snatched. I mean, it's, It's.
- [37:48]
B
It's an insane world that we're living in.
- [37:51]
A
If there is any business that is selling your data for extra cash, I would guess it is comedy clubs. Out of all the businesses, you're going to go with comedy clubs, like, there's some fucking behemoth like Walmart. I would shoot a little higher than that. But comedy clubs, I mean, you know, the way they fuck us out of cash, I'm sure they're selling your information. 100%. Person says, it always seems like I get a random spam call, spam scam phishing text and spam emails. Whenever I put my info into a comedy club's website and buy tickets. I've been meaning to ask you for a while. It's just like, home address is completely unnecessary to buy a ticket. Big fan of the podcast over the years. 100%. Home address is completely unnecessary for anybody other than the Government. Don't give it out. Never give it out. Whatever you got to do. Get a fucking P.O. box. Give a fake address. Find out Bill Gates address. Fucking have him send it to him. Let that fucking cunt get all the extra meal. Meal, mail. That's what I do. I'm on your side, dude. I think it's complete bullshit.
- [39:00]
B
You shouldn't need any of that.
- [39:02]
A
But most people don't think. Most people. People don't question. So the herd wins. All right, so what you need to do. Fake email address. Get a burner number and give them a fake address. That's it. It's not a hard ticket. What the fuck are they. What? They're not sending you anything anyway. How to get a song out of your head.
- [39:26]
B
Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy.
- [39:28]
A
Hey there, Zombilly Beaver. Oh, somebody saw the movie. This is going to sound dumb, and it might seem like I'm trolling you, but I swear it works for me. A manager I had years ago told me to do this when I had a song stuck in my head. All right, before you get going, somebody told me, sing. Listen to the whole song and it'll
- [39:51]
B
get it out of your head. That hasn't worked for me.
- [39:54]
A
This person said I was skeptical, but tried it and it worked. Used it ever since. It's undefeated. The trick is sing the commercial jingle. I wish I was an Oscar Mayer wiener. This will kick out the current song, but it will not stick in your brain. The Oscar Mayer wiener song won't. How come I still remember it? I don't know how many times you need to sing the jingle. It isn't that scientific. I typically sing it a few times through or try my best because I don't always recall the extra lyrics, which may be why it works.
- [40:29]
B
Who knows?
- [40:30]
A
Give it a try.
- [40:31]
B
All right, I'm gonna try to get through the song.
- [40:33]
A
Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener. That's what I want to do. Eating pig ears. And, yeah, you don't notice if there's mustard. Oh, I wish. Now I'm thinking, what's in hot dogs? Anyway, I know this sounds like. But I promise you, it's always worked for me. All right, well, there you go, people.
- [41:03]
B
My wife, my wife, my lovely wife,
- [41:10]
A
My buddy.
- [41:11]
B
She sent me this thing of this person rapping, and it was really bad, and we were laughing about it and singing it to each other, and then we couldn't get it out of our heads. And it became a thing between both
- [41:32]
A
of us for, like, 36 hours, where someone would start to Sing it.
- [41:37]
B
And she'd be like, bill, I'm like, sorry. Or like, nia, I know I can't get. Next time, we will hold hands, and we will sing that song together.
- [41:48]
A
Thank you for that. See this P. You know, there's people out there that they're trying to. They're trying to help you out. All right, Puppet work. Hey, Billy. Twinkle woes, what do you think your act would be like if you had a puppet?
- [42:08]
B
Oh, I actually thought about doing it.
- [42:10]
A
Would it be lady? Would it be a lady? Or would it be someone who said inflammatory things on your behalf? No, I would turn it around where, you know, the guy doing the voice always plays the dummy, and the puppet's always smarter. I would be berating the puppet. Hey, Woody, if you knew what was best for you, you'd shut the fuck
- [42:32]
B
up or you're never going to talk again, if you know. You know what I mean?
- [42:35]
A
You know, maybe you should stop watching
- [42:37]
B
the Twilight Zone and get your ego in check before I send you through a wood chipper.
- [42:43]
A
All right, now stop looking at me
- [42:44]
B
with that stupid look on your face and entertain these cunts. That's what I would do, but I would do it smiling, right?
- [42:51]
A
Hey, Woody, why don't you shut the up. Oh, you never say, no, no, I
- [42:55]
B
don't need to do that because I'm talking, right?
- [42:57]
A
See, I. I'm like.
- [42:59]
B
I'm too up to be able to do it. You know what I would have. I would have a puppet. It would be a woman, and she would just be mad at me, and she wouldn't be looking at me the entire time. She'd just be looking the other way, shaking her head, and I would just explain to the crowd what I felt I did wrong, which would get her
- [43:26]
A
to stop, start to look at me.
- [43:27]
B
But then when I started to say what she did wrong, she would be rolling her eyes and shaking her head, you know, rolling over, you know. You know, my wife hasn't done in a long time because I've learned how to not, like, be an is back in my years, way back in November, When I would piss my wife off in the car,
- [44:02]
A
if it's a little
- [44:03]
B
thing she'd give me back, but if
- [44:04]
A
I really bothered her, she would do
- [44:08]
B
this thing where she would just cross her arms and she would look out the window. And then I was just like, well, there you go, Bill.
- [44:14]
A
Perfectly good day. You just the whole thing up, didn't you?
- [44:19]
B
Then I'd have to be like, fucking Paul Rubens.
- [44:21]
A
I'm sorry. I'D have to do that.
- [44:27]
B
But fortunately, I don't have to do that anymore.
- [44:29]
A
That's the old me. That's the old me.
- [44:33]
B
That is the old me.
- [44:35]
A
You know, one of the biggest fears
- [44:38]
B
I ever had was becoming the yes, dear husband. Because then I feel like you've just completely lost yourself in the relationship, and it's not what happens.
- [44:48]
A
You do the yes, dear thing, and then you know what happens?
- [44:51]
B
They're nice to you, and then the whole. And then you're actually working together, you're rowing in the same direction where if
- [44:59]
A
you're doing that thing where you know
- [45:00]
B
you're trying to win, there's nothing to win.
- [45:08]
A
I finally figured that out. Like, what am I trying to win here? All right, you see it this way, I see it that way. Guess What? In literally 20 minutes, we're not even
- [45:17]
B
going to remember this. So whatever I did, I'm sorry.
- [45:21]
A
Let me.
- [45:22]
B
Let me make it up to you. I don't want to fight.
- [45:26]
A
Guess what?
- [45:26]
B
They don't either. Unless you married a cunt, then you
- [45:31]
A
got to get out of it, right? But if you married an adult or if you're a woman, if you're married a dick, you got to get out of it. But if you married an adult, that can actually be like, all right, you know what? I. You know, I didn't look at it that way. I can see now through the lens of how you're saying that perhaps maybe.
- [45:49]
B
Yeah, I shouldn't have said that.
- [45:50]
A
You know? And if I'm honest, as it was
- [45:52]
B
coming out of my mouth, I was like, am I gonna get away with that?
- [45:59]
A
Did anybody. Did anybody notice? They noticed. They all noticed. They all clock it.
- [46:06]
B
Everything. Everything gets noticed. So anyway, I. I got the kids to bed, you know, did the baths, all that. I got the kitchen cleaned up. You know, that's a big thing for me. You know, I got all the bathing suits washed. I did all that stuff. Well, Nia handled that. I did the kitchen. I'm the kitchen guy. I worked in restaurants, and you know what I mean? A lot of adults, I don't know why they. They just.
- [46:41]
A
It's not that they can't wash dishes.
- [46:42]
B
It's that they don't want to. So then when they do the job, you end up having to redo 30 of them. So at some point, you just have to be like, you know what? I'm the only one who has a passion for this. This is where I fit in. In the band.
- [46:57]
A
I'm the bass player. I'm the dishwasher.
- [46:59]
B
All right, I'll wash the dishes. So I take care of all of that. And, you know, I don't need any mises. I hate you. Mises to pieces coming in my kitchen or cockroaches or anything. So, you know, I go all out. I get out the vacuum cleaner. I vacuum the whole goddamn place up, wipe down the counters, and then I. The dishwasher, by the way, okay. In its ass. It doesn't work.
- [47:23]
A
It's good at sterilizing, but, like, if you take, like, a glass out of a dishwater dishwasher, fill it up with water, and look at all the soap
- [47:32]
B
residue, you know, you're drinking that. Next time you have a Coke, you're like, yeah, this doesn't taste as good.
- [47:38]
A
You know, it's because you have dishwashing
- [47:41]
B
liquid mixed in with that delicious soda that takes rust off of a bike chain. Yeah, So I do that. I get everything, like, I'm big on. I don't want to deal with yesterday's today, because today's is coming. I don't need to. I don't need to be, like, backlogging. You know what I mean? It's like when you're. You're watching a series or something, you get a couple episodes behind. All of a sudden, it's. You feel like you're back in college and you got, like, this term paper. It really gets in your head, I gotta. I gotta get caught up. I gotta get caught. He's like, what. What am I doing? I don't need. I don't need to get caught up. I need sleep. I need rest.
- [48:24]
A
I need somebody to listen.
- [48:28]
B
So I handle all of that. So I'm finishing up this podcast, and then I'm going to continue on with this whole new world of drumming that I'm doing, that I've been doing with my teacher, Dave Elitch. We got a singer, Phil. And then play it. You can't even move when you sing that. You can't even mime it out. You just got to sit still and do it. Which is because he's trying to get, like, what you're feeling to go into your brain. And then you play it to. And then it. Gradually, it's. It's like learning a language gradually. You can start speaking at, like, speed. You know what I mean? I should talk. I'm. I'm still struggling. I'm not struggling with French. I actually listen to the radio every morning when I have my coffee, and I literally know what they're talking about. I don't know all the words. But I know what. I know what they're talking about. It doesn't necessarily. I can actually understand. Like, this other day, this dude was talking about war, and I was thinking, is he talking about World War II? This is France. I don't know if it's some sort of, you know, Francis, what is the. Guy De Gaulle, whatever, you know, Remembrance Day or some. Is it a holiday? I don't know. Then I heard Tel Aviv. Then I heard the president, and I'm like, now he's talking about us. And I was trying to gauge by his tone where he was sitting. I mean, you know, what we're doing in Iran. Is he talking about that? Like. But I'm, like, able to listen to a conversation like that. It's pretty exciting. I mean, the topic is as dark as it gets, but, like, you know, I don't know. That's a nice distraction. So anyway. Oh, God, Bill, did you forget what the. You were talking. I did. I did forget. I did forget what I was talking about. It happens a lot. My age. Oh, God. Now here come all the emails, people.
- [50:23]
A
Well, you know what you want to do? Sing the Purina Cat Chow commercial. Sing it one and a half times, and then you won't forget stuff anymore. Oh, there you go, Billy. Ah, you're all fixed there.
- [50:37]
B
Anyway, plowing ahead. I'm excited to go to Utah. I'm excited to do these gigs, and I'm also excited about this live podcast that's coming out. I had such a good time when I was in Austin, and, I don't know, we'll see how you guys like this one. And if you like it, maybe these are something I won't do every couple of years. Maybe it's something I'll do.
- [50:58]
A
I don't know.
- [50:58]
B
A couple times a year was really fun. It was just like a. A really great sort of exercise there. Oh, going back to the drumming. There you go. Oh, Jesus.
- [51:11]
A
Jesus.
- [51:12]
B
You're all over the road. You're into the guardrail. You're going over the double line.
- [51:15]
A
Pick a lane. So I noticed the last lady lesson
- [51:19]
B
I took, you know, when I used to take lessons, I would come out of there and I had, like, information, and I was like, I need to remember this information, and I need to go home and practice this information. And a lot of it was good because it was mechanics on how I was playing. I was hurting myself or, like, using all of this extra energy I didn't need to be doing. So I. I got through that part of it. But when we Were just like singing Phil's. It was like. It felt light. Like there's times I go into my drum room. I don't know if you. If you play an instrument, you ever go in to go practice and you literally feel like you're wearing like a miner's helmet. I must learn a four star grub
- [52:04]
A
coming off the hi hat or the rack.
- [52:06]
B
Tom.
- [52:07]
A
Now the floor.
- [52:07]
B
Tom.
- [52:08]
A
Crash with a symbol.
- [52:10]
B
Come back down.
- [52:10]
A
Do the four stroke.
- [52:11]
B
Just keep doing that. It's mind numbing. It's mind numbing. It's why it's so hard to learn the rudiments. Because it's this. It's a. It is a discipline. I do respect it. But there's this other side that I was finding. I was driving around and I. And I would be listening to songs and all of these creative ideas for playing drums along to the song
- [52:36]
A
were magically there in the car.
- [52:38]
B
And then I go into the drum room and they just. Just disappeared. And I would put the song on and it still didn't happen. One of it was I wasn't able to execute the ideas I had in my head. I couldn't feel them and think them and execute them with the tempo of the song. It was just. It was like, you know, I hadn't even learned how to crawl and I was trying to, you know, start sprinting down the street. So I've been just doing it slowly, singing these fills. And I go into the drum room now. And I have like the same mindset I have when I know I'm gonna have a set. A good set is I. When I walk out and I'm not thinking anything and I have no idea what I want to open with, which is kind of how I try to be as much as I can. It makes me in the room, it makes me present. It's just like, I don't know. If you do anything creative, you kind of have to figure out how your brain works. You know, you got to learn. Like, if I go down this road, it's leading towards staleness, depression, writer's block. If I go down this road, this is silly, this is light, this is fun. There's no pressure. That's the road you go down to. And you can get into a zone. So I've finally been able to get that feeling into my drum room. I still suck. I'm not gonna lie to you. But, like, I don't suck as much as I did a week ago, which is.
- [54:08]
A
Which is the whole goddamn thing, which, you know something? Peep. That's what life's all about. There we go. I was trying to figure that out. I was trying to figure that out last week. What is life all about? That's. That's what it's all about. About bombing. That's what life is about. Having the courage to fucking bomb, which it's hard enough to do as a kid.
- [54:33]
B
Forget about when you're an adult and you're supposed to, like, know shit. You're supposed to know what you're doing, you know.
- [54:40]
A
You ever meet those people? They got it all fucking figured out.
- [54:44]
B
They just got it all figured out.
- [54:46]
A
What's your problem? I can tell you what to do. Just do this, that and the other thing, you know, which I get. That's advice. But, like, you know, there's a certain
- [54:54]
B
level of confidence that an unexamined person will give you the answers to in a field they have absolutely no knowledge of at that point. What you do is you don't listen to them anymore as far as, like, you don't take in the information. You just enjoy the show.
- [55:09]
A
You just sit there going, oh, is that what I look like when I think I know what I'm talking about and I don't. Laughs Seeing a lot of me in that man.
- [55:21]
B
Anyway, so I didn't get a chance to see the MotoGP yet. I'm gonna watch it tomorrow on the plane. I'm very excited about that. Next week is Coda, Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas. A city I was really wrong about. You know, I just went down to 6th Street. You know what I mean? I made the. The mistake everybody makes. Where.
- [55:44]
A
Where do you go as a tourist?
- [55:46]
B
You go to the touristy place, you're like, what is the big deal about this place? It's kind of dirty and kind of sketchy. But then you go where the locals go. You're like, oh, my God, this place is awesome. Like, it also didn't hurt that the weather was perfect. I mean, Texas in March is not Texas in July, okay? People sell houses in Texas in March.
- [56:13]
A
I feel like real estate.
- [56:15]
B
Real estate agents take the summer off. Which.
- [56:19]
A
The summer at this point is what,
- [56:20]
B
April until like mid December.
- [56:24]
A
Oh, Jesus.
- [56:26]
B
We just had three 95 degree days in a row. Unbelievable. But I did look in this magazine about the history of aviation. And the final thing was these cleaner planes that were coming.
- [56:42]
A
We're gonna.
- [56:43]
B
What, are we gonna kill ourselves? We're not gonna do. We're gonna figure it out. But I will say, I will say,
- [56:48]
A
I say that all the time.
- [56:49]
B
I had no idea until that person fucking wrote in.
- [56:56]
A
Or is it.
- [56:56]
B
I'll say this, that's all a derivative, right? Anyway, the balls
- [57:06]
A
that the first people
- [57:08]
B
who flew had in those goddamn hoopties. And then within like 10 years of
- [57:15]
A
that, you see these people miming playing tennis on top of the wing of
- [57:21]
B
like a biplane, these barnstormers.
- [57:24]
A
I saw this woman, she was hanging all these fucking assholes, talking about grip strength and shit on Instagram with your
- [57:32]
B
goddamn ropes and shit that I bought. I'm not gonna lie to you. This fucking lady is hanging by one
- [57:40]
A
hand, okay, like 200ft off the ground, smiling and. And her body is like, like, her arm is at like, you know, 12 o' clock and her feet are like at 7 o' clock because the guy's banking a little bit and she's smiling and waving to the crowd below.
- [58:06]
B
I mean, Jesus Christ.
- [58:08]
A
I mean. And you know what's funny?
- [58:11]
B
I bet the promoter still her out of her money.
- [58:17]
A
Oh, people, people. People who need people. Anyway. All right, that is the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to everybody that's coming out to my show in Utah. I'm excited to go to that mammoth game and I go to that game and I'm gonna see Connor McDavid. Unfortunately, Leon Draisaitl is out for the rest of the season.
- [58:40]
B
They only got 77 points, so they need to get some wins here. They're going to make the playoffs. I was hoping to see him also play, but I don't know, should be a. I mean, I'm seeing one of the best hockey players of all time and Connor McDavid, so that should be amazing in itself. So very excited and I got a bunch of new. And that's it. I'm gonna give you your money's worth if you show up.
- [59:06]
A
All right, that's it. Hey, send me some recommendations for a
- [59:10]
B
good coffee shop in. In Salt Lake City. You know, that's my thing.
- [59:17]
A
All right, cool. That's it.
- [59:18]
B
All right, I'll talk to you.
- [59:26]
C
The Global Gaming League is presented by Atlas Earth, the fun cashback app. Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my how we do It Gaming team take on Gilly The King Wallow. $267 million gaming in an epic global Gaming league video game showdown. Plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match right now@globalgamingleague.com that's globalgamingleague.com in partnership with Level Up Expo.
- [59:56]
D
Has the news been getting you down? I'm Megan McArdle, and I'm here to help. I'm the host of a new show from Washington Post Opinion called Reasonably Optimistic, and it's an antidote to the pessimism that's riddling America right now. Every Wednesday, I'm going to talk to people who see a path forward.
- [60:13]
A
It does seem to me that there is some awakening of a desire to act together to solve problems where they are.
- [60:19]
B
You know, I am a believer in America and it's worth fighting for.
- [60:22]
D
Join me Wednesdays on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.