← Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast
Flightless Birds, New Music, Breath Work | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-15-26
02:24:44
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- [00:00]
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- [00:44]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just.
- [00:47]
Paul Verzi
Before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.
- [00:54]
Bill Burr
Whoa. I'm sitting here in my living room right now. The TV has on its screen save. And this is what I don't understand. Part of the screensaver is it looks like a school of barracuda. Ooh, barracuda, right. And here's my thing. I don't think I've ever seen, like, predators. They're usually by themselves. Bears, snakes, fucking. What else is a predator out there? I don't know. Mountain lions, they usually like, hey, man, you know, they sort of, look, they respect each other. There's territories. Hey, I'm. Do I. This is my territory.
- [01:44]
Paul Verzi
I kill over here.
- [01:46]
Bill Burr
This is my shit. That's your shit. I mean, I guess there's a pride of lions. They're codependent. Cheetahs usually got a couple, two or three coyotes also. But coyotes in cheetahs are smaller. So you figure, you know, they need to do the gang tackle, right, to bring something down. But you know, great white sharks, they're by themselves killer whales. I don't know. But it's like, dude, there's like a fucking thousand of them. Serial killers by themselves, Maybe one other person. That's a hell of a conversation trying to get somebody on the same page as you. Like, how do you know it's okay to bring that up? I'm like, oh, God, I'm starving. I could actually eat a person right now. And then you kind of throw it out there. That person kind of lights up, like. Yeah, you know that ankle bone meat isn't bad. Sorry. Anyway, I got a lot of satisfaction one time watching, like. I didn't know that ostriches can't fly. I didn't think that they could, but I just. I didn't really even think about it. It's a big stupid looking bird and what they do is they. They're like track stars. They fucking think for some. I don't know why they have win and why they don't have arms with like claws on them if you're just going to run away and be on the ground. Yeah, like having wings as a bird but you can't fly is the bird version of like erectile dysfunction. You have a dick, but it's not worth.
- [03:37]
Paul Verzi
Well, wait a minute.
- [03:40]
Bill Burr
You can still piss with your dick, right? You're still eliminated. But, you know, they can still flap their whims, you know, get a little breeze going. I don't know what. So these things just. They just fucking like. The only way to catch them is if, like you ambush them. They have to completely not be ready because when they take like within, like, it's like a great running back, like half a step, he's at full speed and they see the feet, like they just fucking, like they're just gone and they're over the horizon. And I think anything that can run as fast as them, like runs out of gas. Like you ever see that shit about. I'm all over the map. A Bugatti, which for my money is the ugliest supercar there is. It's like, what if we took a Ford et Cel and we made it a supercar? Same, same. Urinal, stand up urinal, front end, Right. Which I don't even think the Edsel was that bad. I think it's like Waterworld. Waterworld is a fucking great movie. But like the press just went negative and a lot of people never saw it. It's a great fucking movie. And dare I say, was, you know, was. The sea level is rising, you know, was ahead. It was ahead of its time. Okay. People didn't get it. Like Roger Waters, Amused to Death. A lot of people don't get that album. Didn't get it when it came out. And years later they're like, oh, you know what? It's actually. You fucking did. Yeah, it's one of those things. So where the hell was I going with this? Oh, the Bugatti and the ostrich. So Bugatti. I don't know if I'm saying that right Fucking Bugatti. I'm gonna take Boo Boo. I bet that's what they say when you have one of those cars. You taking your boo. Do you love that car more than me? No, I love you. And then you gotta fucking bang her. That chick half your age so she can feel secure. And then eventually she's like, you gotta knock me up or I'm gonna leave you. I got in the well and you're like, okay. And then you bust an 80 year old nut into her and now you got a kid coming so now she can fight off your relatives when you die. Right? That's how that game works. That's how that game works. I like you did not understand why an 80 year old man would have a kid. And Dean Del Rey broke it down for me. I was like, why are all these rock stars having kids that late in life? He goes, they got to keep their women. You can't just have a chick in your 30s if you're 80, okay? She can't be like looking at you naked and you just look like a fucking walking ball bag. She's got to get something out of it. So she gets the kid and then she can be like, I, his wife.
- [06:19]
Paul Verzi
I have a child with him. What is he gonna do in his future, right?
- [06:23]
Bill Burr
And then she gets the money and what does she do?
- [06:26]
Paul Verzi
She goes out and buys a bunch of horsesh. Not horseshoes. Ho, ho, ho, horseshoes.
- [06:36]
Bill Burr
You know those ones where you can just see their whole feet, it's all glass. Everything but the goldfish swimming around in the back. Those ones. Afternoon stripper shoes. That's what she goes out because now.
- [06:48]
Paul Verzi
She'S got to go fucking find somebody else.
- [06:50]
Bill Burr
What is she going to do? Work?
- [06:52]
Paul Verzi
She put her time in. She banged a walking talking ball bag.
- [06:59]
Bill Burr
And she's got the kid to prove it.
- [07:02]
Paul Verzi
So the Bugatti getting back to it.
- [07:07]
Bill Burr
And the ostrich, where like a Bugatti can go like whatever, 240 fucking miles an hour, 30 miles an hour, whatever it is. If you were to go somewhere where you could drive that fast for 15 minutes or 20 minutes or whatever, you just floored it. The tires get so hot you'd have no tires left like after 17 minutes. But the car would run out of gas in like 14 minutes. So they prevent you from doing something stupid. And that, my friends, is what all that math you took in high school, we like, dude, I'm never going to fucking use this. That's what it's for. All that physics shit, you never used chemistry. All of that although those nerds that excelled at that eventually got hired at a company and they used physics, chemistry, and high school, all that mathematics shit, I don't know how to apply any of it. I would think the chemistry is what the tires made up with. The physics, the friction, all of that shit. The aerodynamics. See, if you like me, the only way to figure that out is to get in the car and do it, all right? These fucking nerds can sit down with a pencil, a piece of paper, and no friends and figure out they can guess what's going to happen. That's the levels of smart they are. I know you think you're smart because you can name every head coach in the NFL, all right? But when you true, what truly makes you smart is when you can, like, predict the future with a pencil and a piece of paper and a graduated cylinder. Like, who even knows what the fuck those are for? I mean, whenever I saw a graduated cylinder, all I thought was like, I'm doing some shots tonight. That's what I thought. Where a nerd looked at it and was like, that is used to measure whatever the fuck I'm doing to try to predict the future. But anyway, it's A Bugatti would run out of gas in, like, 15 minutes. So that's kind of what happens with, I guess, animals that are super fast. They can operate. Like, I think with the ostrich is like the fucking cheetah runs out of gas in, like, two minutes. And they don't run out of gas for, like, five minutes, so they're just gone. It's incredible to watch. And I don't know, after a while, you start rooting for the Predator. And I can tell you this. There's a reason why ostrich. Ostriches can run that fast is because they don't know how to fight, okay? They got T. Rex arms, except their wings, all right? And once. Once they. They get grabbed by their neck, it's just they don't have any neck strength. So they can't pick the Predator up. It just goes down, and then their stupid body just, like, tips over, you know? You ever see a tall white trash woman that is still drinking? Like, she's in her 20s, in her 50s. That's the kind of body an ostrich has, you know? The only thing that's missing is fucking yoga pants. I love people who wear yoga pants that don't do yoga, you know, or fat guys that wear sweatpants that don't go to the gym, you know? And I think as a clothing Maker. You have to understand that once you go past a certain size in gym wear, you're like, this person is not going to the gym. Just they can't get jeans that are comfortable. And now, now they're doing that. All right, did it have to go there, Bill? Does it. Does to all comedy roads lead to fat shaming? I don't know. I have no idea. Anyway, I've been listening to a bunch of music here. Some stuff I gotta. I gotta tell you guys about. I discovered this amazing, amazing singer, songwriter, Daniel Caesar, and I discovered him through this song. Who knows? Of course, Nia had like this, you know, she puts this YouTube channel on where DJs are just playing music and shit. And like, this DJ was playing this song and it caught my ear. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm getting like Brian Wilson vibes in the chorus. What is going on here? And just that alone, I, like, downloaded the song and then I. I read the lyrics and I was like, holy, this guy is unbelievable. Daniel Caesar. Who knows? Download that. And then I want to hear your theories of what you think that song's about, because I have a hundred of them. What I love about the song, it's about it on the surface. Why don't you guys just stop the podcast and listen to this song for a second and then come back? All right, I'll wait. All right, you're back. You hit pause. You're bad. It's a miracle, you know? And I'm still right here. Didn't miss a step. On the surface, it's a guy who's like. Feels like he's in over his head with a woman, right? Like, she's beyond me. She's unattainable. I don't know if I can sustain this. I'm probably going to fuck it up. So on the surface level, I feel like it's a. It's a guy who doesn't love himself. So he doesn't know how to love this woman who clearly loves him. And he's going to project all of his how he feels about himself onto her. And then he's going to manifest what he's afraid of, that she is going to dump him. But in the end, he loves her more than anything, and he loves that he loves her and he wants to marry her, but in his head, he doesn't think that he's worth being, you know, getting married to. And she's going to get tired of that. Once the honeymoon phase is of loving somebody, if they're just constantly beating themselves up and then you got to. You got it. You know, you only have so much in your battery pack every day. If you got to keep picking somebody up, that's going to get old after a while. So that's what it is on the surface. But I'm looking at it like how this guy feels. What I love about it is man or woman or a thing. You can feel that way at any moment in a relationship. When you first met somebody, when you get serious, when you're married, when you're in a decade too with them, you.
- [13:56]
Paul Verzi
Can, you can know.
- [13:57]
Bill Burr
You can feel like you're not worthy of them. You're not, you know, if your self esteem is like on the presser piece there, right? But then there's another part of it where you could also look at this song. And this is a guy dealing with a woman he's been with for a while and they're in some sort of postpartum perimenopause, many menopause. One of those changes that women go through in a hormone sense where you have no idea, it seems, from one hour to the next, from one day to the next, what you're going to, what you're going to be getting. So the song starts off where he's like, I'll probably be a waste of your time, but who knows? Chances are I'll step out of line, but who knows? So on face value, read that like, you know, I'm probably going to fuck this up. But like, when you look at it through a different lens of the woman you're with is going through some sort of hormonal change is like, you know.
- [15:05]
Paul Verzi
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know I'm going to do something wrong.
- [15:09]
Bill Burr
Or maybe she'll be in a good mood and I won't get yelled at. Who knows?
- [15:13]
Paul Verzi
I don't know. Right?
- [15:16]
Bill Burr
And then there's. There's this line in there where he goes like, tell me about the city you're from. Is it hot? Does it snow there?
- [15:26]
Paul Verzi
To me, he's checking in on her mentally.
- [15:28]
Bill Burr
The city's like her mentality, like her mental health.
- [15:30]
Paul Verzi
Like, how's it going today?
- [15:33]
Bill Burr
Is it hot? Does it snow? The covers on, covers off.
- [15:36]
Paul Verzi
What? What the fuck are we doing?
- [15:38]
Bill Burr
Me in the room, me out of.
- [15:40]
Ad Read Announcer
The room.
- [15:43]
Bill Burr
You know, I don't know. It's a fucking incredible song and an incredible album and an incredible artist. There you go, firing on all cylinders. And then I downloaded the new. Well, the last couple of years, the new Billie EILISH. Something I would never think to listen to, considering I'm still finding obscure White Snake songs to listen to. Listen you are of your time. I will never let 80s heavy metal go. And I went on this massive Cozy Powell drum rabbit hole that I could not have enjoyed any, any better. But anyway, I also need to be understanding what's going on during this time. And I downloaded her album that came out in 2024, because I just randomly heard this song of hers. Oh, Hit Me Hard and Soft is the name of the album. And there was a song, Birds of a Feather, that I saw somebody doing a drum cover of and I'm like, that's Billie Eilish. I should listen to her. So I had her album on this morning, making the kids breakfast, and I loved it. And then there's this other part of music that reminded me when I was in New York City and I was doing what they called the Uptown Rooms, which was the Black Rooms, when I was doing both. So especially early 2000s, there's a song by Camron. Oh, boy. And I just liked it because I like the drums in it. I mean, I always liked the song. But it takes me back to working with all of these guys, you know, talent. Rudy Rush, Rob Stapleton, Capone, Gerald Kelly, Drew Frazier, all the New York Kings and Will Silvins, all of those guys. And like, those were the songs that were on, you know, while the crowd came in or when they would bring comedians up. And I had like. It was one of my favorite times of my learning how to be a comedian was working with all of those guys, doing those rooms, being in front of those crowds, you know, and the whole time just feeling like I was in over my head, but knowing that I needed to figure out how to perform in front of everybody, you know, it's that shit I learned when I saw Eddie Murphy, you know, I saw Rodney Dangerfield. I always tell this story, but it's important just in case for me anyways, if the comedian young comics listening. I saw Rodney Dangerfield and Eddie Murphy back to back in 1986 at Great Woods. And when I saw Rodney, I was thinking, like, wow, this guy's making everybody laugh. But I didn't realize he's making everybody laugh. Here was what it really was, because a couple weeks later, I saw Eddie on the Raw tour and it wasn't an all white crowd. Like everybody was there. And I remember thinking, I don't know why, I was 18. And I still got that information, like, Eddie is making everybody laugh. I don't even know if I had the balls to think I could be a comedian because show business seems so far away. But like, I was thinking to myself, like, if I was gonna be a comedian, I would like to be able to do that. Just like, funny is funny. I don't give a fuck what your background is, where you're from. Male, female, gay, straight, black, white, whatever. If you're listening to me, I'm making you laugh. So anyway, that's why I was doing those rooms. So all of that music, you know, because it was such a rush when I had a good set. And it was also humiliating when I didn't because I felt like I was letting down, you know, all white comics too. Like, the black crowd was just like, yeah, they're corny, they're not funny. Like, there was like a whole other added level of pressure to do the rooms. And then it became like, you know, this whole journey, can I actually be myself here? Rather than being, oh, I'm the white guy. I'm nervous in this neighborhood, or even worse, to try to be the hip hop adjacent white guy. I never did that. But I definitely. I definitely blacked up my white act a little bit by tagging a lot of jokes by saying, you know what I'm saying. I was like, why did I say that? I don't say that. But anyway, all of those, all of that music, you know, it's usually Nia has it on. She has incredible taste in music. And then I'm always, you know, 20 fucking something years later, I'm like, I'm like, wait, who is that? Who is that? I need, I need to download that. Cause then there's also like drum shit that I couldn't do back in the day. When I listened to it, I wasn't in that mind space. That also appeals to me. I'll tell you, an album that a lot of people sleep on that, I think. Did I just say sleep on? I did. A lot of people that look past this album see that, being myself here. This is one of my favorite, like I would say rap albums that nobody seems to talk about. It's an album by Eric Sermon. I think it's just called music. And I don't know who the fuck produced this thing, but some of the tracks on it. I'm not going to name other rappers. There's other rappers I've been a fan of, but their producer absolutely sucked. And I would just be like, this person is like their rhymes, their flow, whatever you're supposed to is so much more elevated than the tracks that they have him rapping over, and it would just. It would take me out. What are some of my favorite ones on this one? Come through is great music. Was the hit where they. They had the Marvin Gay sample. Now what's up? Is it just the. The sickest? I like whoever produced that thing. I can't say the name of half of these songs, but it's. It's an incredible album. And I also feel like it's timeless because I've put it on at multiple social gatherings. It's kind of like my go to, like, random one that, like, my. My people aren't gonna. Fucking Caucasians aren't gonna know. And everybody's like, who is this? Who is this? I'm telling you, I go, this is a fucking great album. All right, so there we go. Let me do so I've been listening to all of that shit, and I think my garage door is finally gonna get fixed today. I'll tell you, those garage doors, you know, they do. They do the darndest things, you know, by golly, you know, you think you got it fixed and then, you know, Jiminy Cricket, it breaks again, you know, that's how I handle stress now. It's fantastic. I took my kids to school today, and I got. I got in the car and the key was. I thought the car was. The key was in the car. It wasn't. And then I didn't know where it was. And that would be the kind of thing that I would be dropping f bombs, flipping out and all of that. And I. And I didn't. I just said, all right, you guys just hang on. You know, dad has to find the keys. And then I just said something stupid to him. I just looked at my kids and I went, mornings, am I right? And they're just looking at me like, dad, you're being weird. They don't get what I'm doing. But it's the way I'm keeping myself. I don't even have to keep myself calm. I fucking. I got. I don't know what happened, dude, I got it. It's out of me. It's gone. I cannot recommend doing breath work and taking away all the shame of all these emotions that they take away from you. Forget about as a man, just as a person. Because I think there's a lot of shame, too, with, like, women and stuff that, you know, all of this stuff that you have to be tough, you got to be strong and all of that type of shit. And I think that we, you know, listen, I'll speak for myself. I hate using the pronoun we. I think that what I did was I equated that to mean at all times that, you know, that if you ignored how you were feeling, that meant you were tough. And I didn't realize that, you know, there's times when you have to ignore how you're feeling. Okay? Somebody comes through your front door with an ax, you can't be like, oh.
- [24:34]
Paul Verzi
My God, he's got an axe.
- [24:36]
Bill Burr
And somebody's got to be like. Somebody's got to fucking address it and face it. Do whatever you got to do, right? At least delay the person getting up the stairs so your kids can fucking, you know, and your wife can get out the back window, right? And then there's other times to cry that shit out. So I didn't realize that that's. That's the. That would be the back nine. Everybody's good at the fucking. The front nine. There's plenty of information about the front nine. But once you go through all of that shit, there's a place where you got to let that go or else your kids are listening to you screaming like a crazy fucking homeless person. You know, when the reality is is you're going to go inside in under a minute, you're going to find the keys, and it wasn't even worth it. But they had to go through, you know, watching you flipping out and then also, I guess, teaching them that that's what you do when you flip out. So anyway, with that, let me do. We got a read here for this week, huh? We got. What do we got? What do we got? We got. Oh, geez Louise, would you look at that? I'll tell you, cell phones just do the darndest things. We got two reads here. All right, all right, coast, everybody. If your business hasn't changed how you pay for gas and materials, you're losing tens of thousand dollars a year to fraud, hidden fees, and hours spent on paperwork. Coastpay eliminates fraud, saves you money, and automates all your accounting, all in a card that can be used anywhere. Anywhere. Visa is accepted. Sorry if you've ever tried calling your old fuel card company. You know how it goes. Long hold times, no answers, and somehow the fees keep going up. Coast pay actually picks up the phone, solves the problem and keeps your fleet moving. Cospay is the modern fuel card and expense management tool built for fleets. This isn't software built by someone who never ran a crew. Fuel maintenance. Fuel maintenance. Materials are all on one card with real control and instant visibility. Set real time spending limits for every driver or vehicle. Fuel only fuel and materials certain days or certain hours. You decide you see every transaction the moment it happens. No more end of the month surprises. If someone tries to fill up at an odd time or buy something outside their limit, you'll know instantly. Fraud protection actually works on Coast. No shared pins, no missing receipts, no guessing employees check in by text. Coast verifies the purchase and you stay in control and your accounting team will thank you. Automatic receipt capture and cleaner data means month end goes from a tedious multi hour project to a quick review. Unlike old fuel cars, Coastal works everywhere. Visa is accepted every gas station, every brand, every time. Your drivers aren't detouring just to find the one station that takes your card. No contracts, no commitments. Just a smarter, simpler way to keep your operation tight and your cruise moving. Right now, coastpay is offering our listeners.
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Paul Verzi
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Bill Burr
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Bill Burr
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- [32:49]
Bill Burr
All right, and with that, that is the podcast, everybody. I hope you guys have a great weekend. Your cons. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 15, 2018. What's going on? How are ya? How are you? I'm in San Francisco. It's still Sunday. The second half has just begun. The Saints go march it in verse. The Minnesota Vikings. This Saints was my pick this weekend. I loved Drew Brees going into Minnesota and fucking having everybody crying at the fucking Mall of America by the end of the game. And so far the vikings are up 17 to nothing. Although I think they just fucking went 3 and out. Old Case Keatum just got put down on his fucking keister. We'll see. Well, you never know what's gonna happen, you know. I mean, look. Look at the fucking Jaguars. The Jaguars went. Just came right out, gave the Steelers the old. Right there. Fred. All of a sudden they're running back, twists his ankle, right? I don't feel. I can't put any weight on it, man. Right? Then all of a sudden, the Steelers come roaring fucking back. And I'm sitting there going, this game's over. Pittsburgh Steelers.
- [34:16]
Paul Burzey
It's in Pittsburgh.
- [34:18]
Bill Burr
This shit is over. No way. What the fuck's his name? Bryce Bortles. I can't, by the way. I can't keep up with these fucking names from the 90s, okay? The cases, the Bryce, the Boltons, the fucking. I don't know. You know, a lot of comics have done bits about it, but, you know, back when it was like, you know, Bill, Bob, fucking Steve, Joe, greatest quarterback of all fucking time, at one point was named Joe, you know, Joe Namath, Joe Montana, Joe Theisman, Joe fucking Blake Bortles. I, you know, whatever. I'm just. I'm an old crabby fucking man. I guess the 90s, it was really big to name your kid. After a C name, considering all the quarterbacks, right? Kurt, Carson, Case. It's like, did Roger Clemens fuck all these women? But he did that. He had, like, fucking nine kids and he, Cody, Kyle, Conti, Chris, right? They were all K's. They were all K's. Yeah. Why would you have them have their own identity? Let's fucking have their name. Be about your fucking career.
- [35:38]
Paul Verzi
Um, what do you mean you want to be a veterinarian? Get the fuck out there, pick up a baseball and throw some heat.
- [35:45]
Bill Burr
Um, sorry. That was my impression of what it's like inside their household. Like I have any idea. All right. I have nothing against the Clemens family. I love Roger Clemens. You know, Fucking did some great things with the Red Sox before he went to Toronto. Well, we let him go right then. He fucking jumped on that poor police horse. Jesus Christ, you know that horse was wishing it was a fucking Clydesdale when he got on his goddamn back. I'm just in a bad mood because I'm in San Francisco, right? I fucking came here yesterday and no guy has even looked at me. No, I came here yesterday and it was sunny out, one of the rare, sunny, beautiful days. And San Francisco, when it is sunny out, when the weather is nice, can fuck with any city, I'll even say. In North America, Forget about the continental United States, including Alaska and Hawaii and some of our tributaries like fucking Puerto Rico. There. Isaac fucks with any city, okay? However, on the usual cloudy, rainy day, this place. There's a misery to this fucking place. This. It's cold, wet air blowing against you as you walk up yet another fucking hill. You know, nothing is ever down a hill. It's always up a hill, around a corner to an even steeper hill, you know? And they still have all that mamas and papas, you know, all the leaves are brown, hippie vibe going out here a little bit. Even all the evil people from fucking Silicon Valley, which I still never know quite where that is. It's somewhere down there, like San Jose. I just don't know where it begins and where it ends. But silicone to me and my level of intellect, the amount of books that I've read in life, silicone to me is and will always be what's in fake titties. So, you know, I don't know what they're doing. I actually flew up here, rented a helicopter and flew up here with a couple people, had a great fucking time, picked up a couple of hours, and we went by this giant building that was this huge circle. And I was like, what? The fuck is that? That looks like. I don't know, it looks like the Pentagon, if it was groovy, man, right? I was like, what is that? And my buddy guess he goes, it's probably. Maybe it's Apple. I never seen a building like it. It was just a total circle. Then in the middle, there was, like, all of this. Like, it looked like a jungle in the middle, you know? And if you look down, you could see the employees screaming and waving, going, get me out of here. He's still alive. Steve is still alive. I think that's what it said. But I was, you know, too busy focusing on not hitting somebody else while I was up there. Turns out it was the Apple building. Very impressive. Very fucking impressive structure. And then we went right by Stanford and saw that stadium. My buddy was hitting me with trivia before we got there. He goes, I went to a game. I went to a Super Bowl. He claimed it was the only super bowl ever played at a college stadium or something like that, which isn't true because they played a bunch at the Rose bowl and also a Tulane, maybe. He said the last one played at a college stadium. Was it that. I forget what it was. Don't blame him. Blame me for not remembering. And I was able to guess that I said it was the 49ers Dolphins at Stamford Stadium. Only because I had recently read that that's where they played that game. And because I got that right, he then had to be like, what was the score? I was like, I don't know. But Fulton Walker took a kickoff back for the first time in super bowl history. It's like 35, 10. So anyways, we fucking land at San Francisco International Airport, which it's so much different, you know, when you. When you actually get to see how cool it fucking looks when you're sitting in the back of the tube, you know, and you're just looking out the back, just praying, you know, just please get this thing on the fucking ground. It's different when you come up there. It's fucking amazing. It's expensive as shit, but it's amazing, right? Sweet land. Everything's going great. And ended up doing this thing with. What is it? The San Francisco Sketch Fest. And I did this. What was it? The. Who's the guy from Cuba? Castro. The Castro Theater with Kevin Pollock. And we just went out and sort of an interview, just riffing, fucking around. And then people came up and asked questions afterwards. I want to thank everybody that showed up. It was like one in the afternoon. All of these people Showed up, it was a great time. And Kevin's just the greatest fucking dude ever. And we actually. I got to do a scene with him in a movie coming up called Frontrunner. It's coming up this year. We had a great time doing that. And you know, San Francisco. Why are you in a bad mood, Bill? The south sounds great. It's all great. It's all fucking great. Then I get to my hotel. Of course I show up, right? And the lady takes my driver's license. I forgot to not just show it to her like, she took the driver's license, right? So then she starts clicking on a keyboard. I say, hey, can you do me a favor? Can you not type any personal information on a license? And she got all this fucking attitude. She goes, I am not. I will tell you what, I'm typing in. And bum, bum. And this whole fucking, you know, snap to the 12 to the 6, whatever the fucking kids say. I want to be like, lady, lady, you're not going to tell me what you're going to do? I'm going to tell you what you're not going to do, you fucking cunt. But of course I can't say that. You know, I can't say that. Dude. I don't know what the fuck happened to customer service, but her fucking attitude, the way she talked to me, it was like I told her how to parent her kid. So then she looks me up. Of course, they don't fucking have me down because I probably miscommunicated when I was gonna come up here anyways. I just didn't say a fucking word, right? And then she went out of her way and actually got me, you know, she didn't get me out of the way. She fucking did her job. Fuck her. Still fuck her, sir. I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna like. What?
- [42:18]
Paul Verzi
Nuff.
- [42:19]
Bill Burr
Like, I felt like I was getting booked. I just. I fucking. I don't understand what has happened to customer service. So then I was just like, all right, all right, fucking whatever, all right? And then this hotel turns out they don't have the two things that I need in a hotel. The only two fucking things I need other than a fucking door that doesn't open up out into the parking lot. In other words, I'm not staying in a motel, okay? And all I need is some sort of gym and an ironing board. That's it. This hotel has neither. Has neither has a little steam fucking machine. I don't want to steam my fucking clothes. I practice my drum shit, but I'M on the road, I bring a little practice pad and after all these years of trying to find a fucking table that fits, right? The ironing board was there the whole time. You just play standing up, okay? And you can adjust it down. If it's not high enough, you just put a couple of towels underneath and then it's at the height you need it to be. They don't fucking have one. And then lastly, I went to go get a burrito and I fucked up. Like San Francisco makes the best burritos, right? They got the best, perfected them. I don't know where they came from. I believe France invented the burrito. I'm not sure. So there's this, I'm not going to name the burrito place, but evidently they got a great spot in the Mission. And I'm all the way down near the fucking touristy area where they got like rides to Alcatraz. I'm like, I'm not going all the way out there. I want to watch both these fucking football games. And lo and behold, I find that there's, there's a guy, there's a one that's in on everybody's top 10 list that makes a fucking burrito in the Mission, but also has another location down near the fisherman place, right? The wharf down here. So I'm like, all right, well, I know it's probably not gonna be as good as the original, cuz that's the original oven and blah blah, blah, blah, blah. So I fucking go to the newt. This obviously the second one that they opened, I show up, right?
- [44:15]
Paul Burzey
And.
- [44:17]
Bill Burr
There'S like fucking, I don't know, a group of four in front of me and a group of two in front of me. And you would have thought the amount of time it took them to order a fucking burrito, you would have thought that they were trying to like, you know, it was like wartime and they were trying to catch the last flight out before the, you know, the impending regime or whatever was going to send him to a fucking labor camp. That's like how long they were negotiating this. And what kills me is these four people it took for fucking ever. Then the two people behind him who had enough time to fucking go on YouTube, find out what's in a burrito, go to a fucking supermarket, buy this shit and cook one. That's the amount of time they had. They step up to the register, it's their moment of truth to order a burrito and they start looking at the menu. Ah, we're gonna get a. Fucking ridiculous fucking Ridiculous. So I get up there. What do you want? Give me original burrito, chicken, chips and salsa. And a water to go. Cash. Thank you. Step aside. Over. How hard is that? You know what it is, is somewhere in the last century, it became illegal to punch somebody in the back of the head when they were taking too long in a line. And now everybody, they just, you know, they're just a little too comfortable. They're just a little too comfortable. So I'm standing there and, you know, now I'm behind the couple that you know over at the salsa line. Salsa line. Salsa. Salsa line. And I'm behind them again. And it's taken them forever to get salsa. They're looking around and they're looking at other people. It's like, use your brain. Mild, medium hot.
- [46:11]
Paul Burzey
The.
- [46:14]
Paul Verzi
Touchdown Saints.
- [46:16]
Bill Burr
Oh, when them Saints go marching in. Uh oh, uh oh. Plenty of time left. No, there isn't. What am I talking about? I thought that was fucking 118 into the third quarter. I guess there's plenty of time left, right? This is the way the game is played nowadays. It's like, do they go for two here? There's only a quarter and a minute 13 left. Kick the fucking extra point. Yeah. Jesus Christ, that guy just had a soul patch on the back of his head. Wow. You know how tough you have to be to have that? Because somebody's just. How hard it would be to not tell that guy how fucking annoying that is. Like, dude, I just want to fucking. Can you just grow it out or shave it off? All right. Touchdown Saints. Touch my prediction lives. This is such a disturbing commercial where this guy falls off the cruise ship. This is one of my biggest fucking fears in life. You know what I mean? Just being in the fucking ocean, praying for hypothermia to set in before something comes up to you and just takes a bite out of you. Can you imagine when you see that fucking shark fin just break the water, you know, and you know, you smell the thing. Fucking wild animals, you can smell them from a mile away to the point I don't understand how they're able to kill anybody, you know, you didn't see. You ever go to the fucking zoo and you just smell those goddamn lions. I guess every. Everything stinks out there, you know, anyways. And they just leave the guy in the fucking ocean. Fucking really bothers me. There's got to be somebody complaining about that, you know, once a year that seems to happen. Or every couple of years, like somebody goes on a honeymoon and their spouse fucking falls overboard you know, I gotta look that up. How many fucking times? What are the odds? Are the odds higher on a honeymoon or after you've been married for a while? Like how many times somebody has like fucking thrown a spouse overboard, you know? And if it's anywhere near the number that I think it is, I want to know why it doesn't have its own hashtag. I think we need to start a hashtag on Twitter. Let me just do three seconds of research here. Spouse. How do you spell spouse? I just spelled spouse. Spouse. What would I look up here? Spouse, dead. Cruise ship, significant other, question mark. When a passenger dies at sea, what you need to know. Oh, my God, what do they do? Do they have a burial at sea, you know, with the Carnival Cruise Line flag, and they try to make it look official? He's just sitting there looking at fucking Gilligan and Gopher. So the guy's name Gopher. The guy became like a senator. Husband pleads not guilty in wife's cruise ship killing. Oh, my God. Geez. If they. If they figure out, can you imagine that. That's just cruel and unusual punishment. Bad enough you killed somebody. The fact that you would send them to that of a lonely, brutal death. A Utah man who allegedly brutally murdered his wife last month while on board in Alaska. Oh, he just. He killed her on board. All right, well, Jesus, there's some serious music. Dude, who composed that, hey, this guy killed his wife. This guy killed his wife on a cruise ship. And this guy just. We need. We need music for that. And that guy, he just comes. I can't get back to the fade in that. That was what, the Jimmy Page army of fucking guitars there. Can you imagine that? You wanted to write the next Stairway to Heaven and now you're just writing fucking music, you know, that fits people dying on a fucking cruise ship. Okay, this dude is accused of first degree murder in the death of his 39 year old wife. Uh, she must have fucking choked during shuffleboard or something. I'm sorry. Kenneth's wife was found dead in her cruise ship cabin on July 25 after the couple had a domestic dispute. Oh, my God. You know, they should throw this guy overboard. Jesus Christ. Said blood was spread throughout the room on multiple surfaces. He was immediately detained by ship security and a witness said that the defendant allegedly told him she would not stop laughing at me. Jesus Christ. What the f. Was she ridiculing him? You know, it's funny, if this was the other way around, I think the woman goes free if she just said he was fat. Shaming her like she put on some baby weight or something like that. And he just.
- [51:59]
Paul Verzi
He wouldn't stop laughing at me. And I just made me feel like I was small.
- [52:06]
Bill Burr
Each year, over 4,000 men laugh at their recently not pregnant wives, causing them to feel bad about themselves. Okay. He had been acting terrible all night, the source claimed, adding at some point that evening he. Yeah, she wouldn't somebody not stop laughing at you. Go for a walk. What a wow. What was going. That guy is not just a straight up fucking psycho, you know, like what the fuck was going on? How many movies could you make out of that relationship? Like if that guy never did anything wrong in his life. And she was just so fucking sadistic. Sadistic. And it had so gotten into his fucking head that her just laughing at him that he fucking snapped like that, you know, I'm just playing the other side. I'm just playing devil's advocate here.
- [53:02]
Paul Verzi
Interception, Sal. Window Saints go. March it in.
- [53:11]
Bill Burr
How annoying am I to the person next to me? Case Keatum, Case, Case and Drew. Those are the quarterbacks. Used to be Joe versus Philip, Roger versus Terry. What was some of the great rivalry names? Danvers, Kenny Be, Dan Fouts vs Kenny Anderson in that fucking freezing bowl. Oh, he definitely stepped out of bounds. You can see right there. That's exactly what happened there. You can't see any grade between the white line. Case Keenum got out a giant iPad. He's gonna play a little Donkey Kong. Put on a hat. There you go. Hugs all around like the game has been won. On the Saints side, is it me? Do the Saints uniforms look a little cheap? I don't know what's going on. Did they take some stripe away in their shirt? It looks like they should be playing on half a field inside a hockey arena. All right, Drew Brees, he's got the ball. He hands it off and the guy immediately is tackled. What a waste of a play. 102 to go in the fucking third quarter. You want me announce the rest of the third quarter for you? Some of you guys like when I do this shit, right? Number 29. He's upset. What is he upset about? I don't know, but a guy with fucking night vision glasses is talking to him. Listen, I just got from the gun range. I didn't see what happened, but I believe in you. 29. What the fuck is he doing out there? That's a running back number, isn't it? Maybe he's mad at. Maybe he's mad at Case. Get off my Case. Keenum. Sorry, Drew Blizz drops back to pass over the fucking middle when those Saints get a fucking first down.
- [55:10]
Paul Verzi
Whoo.
- [55:11]
Bill Burr
Why do I give a shit about this game? It's literally just because I told Paul Verze that I thought the Saints were going to win, that I need this to happen to fill me up in life because I'm a married guy, you know, and the compliments, you know, they're on a. I'm on, like, a compliment ration. I get one a season, and there's only one season in la. I used to get four a year when I lived in New York. Now I'm out in la. I get about one. How do you get that job as water water guy? Like, how do you know who's fucking thirsty? Nobody ever points to their mouth. You just kind of walk up, you stick it, you know? All right. I swear to God, the black guy in this commercial looks like they stuck his head on, like an eight year old's body. Although I do like this commercial, Bill. Nobody gives a fuck. Most people aren't even watching this. They don't even know what you're talking about. You're literally doing commentary for a fucking YouTube video that doesn't exist while they're listening to your podcast. Get back on the fucking game here. Fucking Steelers. What are the. What is with the Steelers? How many times are they going to look past the opponent that week? That's. That's. That's what they're saying out there. They're saying that they focus too much on the New England Patriots because you know who's getting who. They beat the Patriots earlier this year. You know, that was a touch. I don't. You know, what I don't understand about, you know, whether it's a catch or whether it's not a catch is the fact that the ground can't cause a fumble if you're running, but it can cause an incomplete pass. Is that how it works? I don't know. I have no idea. But I like that commercial I just saw where that guy was practicing speed skating, like, in his living room. That'll be like the latest thing people will get rather than reading about nutrition. They'll literally spend like fucking ten grand on that thing. And then they'll have some sort of app where they can project it onto their tv where they can. You can be, you know, in different speed skating arenas around the fucking world. I saw this picture today on the Internet. It just fucking. It made me feel so goddamn old. It was this woman, right? Where's that place where People go to vacation, right? It's like the ocean looks absolutely perfect and there's these, these grass, like these huts and they hover out over the water, you know, one tsunami and everybody's dead, right? But it looks like absolute paradise, okay? In the picture of this woman, she's in a thong, right? Leaning on one leg, so her butt cheek sticking out. And she's looking at the huts and over her head she's making, you know, those. That stupid thing where you make the heart with your hands. She's doing that, you know, and that. It made me feel so old. It's like, whatever happened to just go into a fucking unbelievable place and just geeking out and taking a picture of yourself and you have that look on your face like you can't believe you're there. Like she literally used that paradise to enhance her whole fucking. Like, I don't know what the word is, her herness. I don't know, the selfie just. It just makes everybody act like a douche who doesn't know how to behave when they get their own show. In other words, they behave like myself. What's going on? I stepped out of bounds eight yards. He picked up eight yards. I'll tell you right now. You know what? I tell you who's going to make a big, a lot of fucking money? Whoever owns the Kleenex store in the Mall of America. It's my prediction that every one of these Minnesota fans are gonna fucking at the end of this game or they're all gonna go down to the Mall of America and they're gonna go into the Kleenex store, they're gonna get their own fucking, you know, Kleenex with their own initial on it because everybody's fucking special now. And you could take a selfie about how sad you are. Actually, know what would be amazing is if the Vikings go to the super bowl, okay? And they play a home game.
- [59:28]
Paul Verzi
Ah, first down.
- [59:33]
Bill Burr
Oh, when those saints go marching in. They're down to the fucking two yard line. You guys like Pete Fountain, huh? Put on the old gray bonnet. I love Pete Fountain. Fucking. He always had a killer drummer, right? Played the shit out of the clarinet, you know what I mean? And he's never had any sexual harassment scandals anyways, plowing ahead here. Oh, Jesus Christ. This fucking guy. This guy's hurt now. What happened? What happened to the guy? Does he gotta go inside the tent? Well, thank God there's an 80 year old bald white guy to help him off the field. The dude was so short he couldn't Even lean on him. He's probably gonna have a separated shoulder by the time he gets over to that little fucking little pop tent they put him in. Hey, I think I found the MP3 player that. Now that I'm seeing this poor bastard with the umbilical cord hanging out, I'm getting out of the Apple world. Right as I said that, that weirdo just stared at me in the Galaxy commercial like he knew I was gonna fucking do it. I'm gonna get a new mp. I'm gonna go with one of those Sony's, you know? And I want to tell you guys the exact model so you can be like, dude, oh my God, really? You gonna buy that? Yeah, I am. I am. Because I have a bunch of music that I didn't get on fucking Apple and those round building cunts, okay, with the forest in the middle where they re educate their employees that want to ask for more money or maybe pay the poor bastards that put together their products so they don't jump to their fucking deaths. How crazy would be if they still advertised on this podcast after that? Yeah, I want to fucking get out of that world. I want to. I still want to use this shit, but I still. I don't like how they're. They're like fucking, this is our shit over here. Our shit only works with our. With our shit. None of our shit works with other people's shit. You want to use our shit, you got to buy our other shit to use our shit. Fuck people's other shit. We're gonna fucking own everything. I don't say, what is your problem? How many billions of dollars do you. I swear to God, at that point. I know a promoter like that. I know a promoter like that. He wants to make all the money. You know, it's not enough that he's making the most money. He wants to make all the money. And it actually gives him joy when. When other people. When other people's, you know, other promoters in his town are not doing well, he'll just say, oh, did you hear about so and so? They booked so and so. The guy took a bath. And I'd be like, oh, I bet that makes you happy. I fucking love it. Anyways, I guess I never gave you guys a hashtag for the cruise ships. Once you guys come up with one. Ah, here comes the tent.
- [62:41]
Paul Verzi
The pop up tent.
- [62:43]
Bill Burr
Dick sporting good. All right, let's see a dick. What happened? Did he hit your left ball? Your right ball? All right, we're going to freeze it here. We're going to we're going to do a little fucking, put a little desinex on it and I think you'd be all right. All right. Drew Brees hands the ball off. The guy runs into everybody. Evidently there was supposed to be a hole there. You know, when I was a kid, I thought that running backs rather than running around the outside. The reason why they ran in the middle is because they thought they'd get famous for trying to do something so impossible. What do you guys think is going to happen here? Actually, you already know. I say that they're going to score on third and goal, right? Unless they try and run it three fucking times. How about a little play action fake here, Drew, for the love of fucking Christ. Oh, by the way, congratulations to Liverpool, huh? Liverpool be fucking man city. Guess you guys didn't realize I've been paying attention a little bit to the Premier League. That's soccer for everybody here in North America. Drew Brees throws a dad when them Saints go March. It's fucking 17 to motherfucking 13. All right. Okay. Case Keatum. Case Keatum. He's on the case Keenum. They must do a bunch of shit like that, right? Anytime. You know, they always have the puns, right? You must do a bunch of those things. Jesus Christ. This is. That's becoming a tale of two halves. Here comes Drew Brees. He's going to break their hearts. I'll tell you right now then that they're. Right now the last ride on the roller coaster at the Mall of America is happening. There's an overall sadness that is going to descend on that mall right now. There's a bunch of people that do not give a fuck. Okay? Two white guys trying to do a cool handshake. They. I don't know what they just did there. Some sort of jerk off. Fucking motion by Drew Brees as he gave the okay sign, you know, well, these are the times. Is it okay that I'm stroking your dick? I think that that's what that meant. I think that was very progressive by Drew Brees. All right, if you could tell I'm doing this thing early and I've yet to get any of the advertising. I don't have any fucking any of the questions or anything. So at some point I'm going to have to fucking hit pause. Or I could text my guy here to send me the bullshit, right? That could happen. That could happen, right? Let me hit pause. You don't listen to this crap or do you, Johnny? Oh, do you? What the fuck is going on with The Blackhawks this year. I mean, let me. I gotta hit pause. I'm not Put you through this shit. All right, I'm back. Oh. You know, what I was gonna say is if Minnesota wins this game and then goes to the super bowl, and I'm actually a Vikings fan from way back in the day, to be honest with you, I don't know why. I'm just being a douche right now. Like I said, I just predicted this upset. I don't care if the Vikings win.
- [65:41]
Paul Verzi
Oh, right up the middle for first down, 1302 to go in the game.
- [65:47]
Bill Burr
He's nodding. He's nodding like they didn't just give up 14 points in a row. What, every fucking guy now acts like they just reinvented football? Look at this. All those people blocked for him. And then when there was finally a fucking guy who could tackle him, he did. And this guy gets up like he's. Did you ever see Jim Brown get up? Fucking nodding. Oh, the old man. This is. This is what you sound like. The closer you get to death, you know, you're like, why isn't it where.
- [66:15]
Paul Verzi
It used to be?
- [66:17]
Bill Burr
Case Keenum, he is on a strict no passing diet right now. They saw that last one. They're like, fuck this guy. Just hand it off.
- [66:24]
Paul Verzi
Now.
- [66:24]
Bill Burr
Why aren't you nodding? How come you're not nodding now? Fucking got stuff right at the goddamn line, everybody. Anybody makes a good play, they're pointing at the name in the back of the jersey. Anytime they fucking don't make a play, they're looking for a flag or they run off the field. Anyways, if I can get through this goddamn point, if Minnesota actually goes to the goddamn super bowl, it's a fucking home game, all right? Everything there is purple. There's no way. You got to have, like, a Prince themed halftime show. Do you think he would have played it? Think he would have come? Yeah, would have had to have Prince come back. Look at that fucking throw. Case Keenum shaking off the interception. The Saints say it's not a catch. They say it's not a catch. Wright says, oh, my God, I can't even deal how fucking great I am. It's driving me crazy. Case Keaton. Everybody stop shouting, settle down. This is a great fucking throw. Oh, he just drops it right in there. I don't know.
- [67:19]
Paul Verzi
A little bit of wobbly there.
- [67:20]
Bill Burr
In the end, he caught it. But did he catch it long enough? Case Keenum gets the. Oh, they get. Oh, not in time, not in time. The challenge flag. This degenerate Gambling looking head coach. His fucking wife probably cries herself to sleep. That's such a terrible thing to say. Why would I say that? All right, he's on the ground. He has it. He has it. He has it. He has it. He still has it. If they call this not a fucking catch. Look at this shit. All right, there you go. That's a catch. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. What are they gonna look at? Jesus fucking Christ. How long do you have to have it? Oh, my God. Now I got to see this replay. 58 fucking time. That, as you see right there, now he has it against his navel. And his is fucking happy trail. This guy pleading his case. Take back your red hanky. All right, I know you got you guys. I don't think you want to fucking. I've really limited my goddamn audience here. Let's talk about fucking. Let's limit it even more, and I'll talk to my six British fans over there. Um, Man City. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Ah, Jesus Christ. That was like a full fucking bottle of water. And it's Evian, too, and I fucking hate that shit. Evian. There's minerals in it. Yeah, I can taste it. It tastes fucking weird. Did the water rush through a plastic rock? Why does it taste so fucking awful? I. I fucking hate Evian. Anyways, this must be, like, the best bottled water. It tastes like shit. How do I know it's from the French Alps? I'll drink anything. Poland Spring. Dasani Smart water. I'll drink that box water. I don't give a shit. Even though it tastes like you're drinking out of a shoe. That fucking wet cardboard. I know it's better for the environment, but Jesus Christ. Ugh. You know what's the worst? Was when you were a little kid and you drank out of the garden hose and you didn't realize it was sitting in the sun. You'd have that fucking hot blast of stale fucking water that probably been in there for a week. Jesus Christ. So you know they're taking out your fucking small intestine. All right, let's look up this Man City shit. All right. Man City. Man City lost 4 to 3 to Liverpool. Now, for those of you who live in the United States of America, of Merca, Man City evidently was fucking undefeated the whole year. I guess that's really difficult. That's difficult to do in any sport. But I wasn't sure was soccer. Just seems like, you score one goal and the game's over. But I will tell you, lately they've been four to three, seven goals. You got to love that. Got a fucking love that. They lost to Liverpool, home of the fucking Beatles. That's all I know. It's all I know about that shit. Oh, let's talk about. Let's talk about Donny, Donnie fucking case. Kingdom sacked. I know he got the ball up. Donald fucking Trump. I gotta say something, man. That was a low. That is a low point in modern United States history, and that's fucking saying something. You just can't, you know, you know, you just. You can't. It's a very limited, not even apologize, say, you know, I shouldn't have said it that way, but blah, blah, blah, blah. That was just a. Like, I don't know what, people still sticking by the guy.
- [71:23]
Paul Verzi
What? He tailored like it is.
- [71:27]
Bill Burr
All right, here's the number two guy. Number four is going to hold the ball. The little skinny guy, he kicks the ball right down the fucking middle. It was a one eyed one, horn flying. What is the Minnesota Vikings? What is the Saints guy bitching about now? What is he complaining about? I'll tell you right now, okay? If that fucking happened, she would have said no catch. Yes, you would have. Yes, you would have. You're just like my wife. You're just like my fucking wife. Jesus. You know you're fat when you can see a man. Ted Sunday, the windbreaker. Oh, he was saying the guy was down. All right. Nobody cares, Bill. This is one of the worst podcasts I've ever done. I apologize, okay? And I'm sure you guys will let me know. All right? Oh, so the burrito ended up getting like, it just sucked. Wasn't wrapped tight or I guess I'm supposed to keep it in the foil. I have no fucking idea. And then the chicken was like overcooked. You know, this is what happens. This is what happens when you go to a city and you go, you know what? These people are known for this. And then you, as a tourist, don't know where to go, and you just go out and get one. And then you go back to your city with the. The wrong information saying, I went there, their burritos sucked, it didn't take. I could make a better burrito than that. You know, that's like, you know, people go to Chicago, New York, and they say that their pizza sucks. It's like, well, who did you hang out with? Were you with people from the city? Did they tell you where the Fuck. To go, oh, you know what I wanted to look up, because people are sitting there saying, oh, they got to impeach fucking Donald Trump. And it's just like, well, they impeach Bill Clinton. He got impeached. I was like, holy shit, he's gonna have to leave. And then he didn't. He just. Why didn't Bill Clinton leave? And then I'll just write impeached. Right? That should get me. How do you spell impeached? There you go. Impeached. If Bill Clinton. Why did he finish? If Bill Clinton was impeached, why did he finish up? I don't understand how he could have been impeached, but he did not leave office. All right? Being impeached doesn't guarantee the person impeached has to leave office. Here's some historical examples. The problem with your question is he was not impeached in a way to have to leave office. I see. You really don't understand the difference between impeachment and having to leave office. Now, you didn't have to be that fucking country about it. Not true. He was impeached. For a public official, impeachment. This is just people arguing. Bill Clinton was acquitted. The Senate did not reach the two thirds majority needed to fully process his impeachment. To further break it down, Clinton was impeached by the House on two charges, the first being perjury, the second being obstruction of justice. Following this, he was acquitted by the Senate. The impeachment process takes place in two steps. First, the President has to stick a cigar in somebody's pussy. No, sorry. First, the President has to be impeached in the House of Representatives. That is the equivalent of an indictment.
- [74:36]
Paul Verzi
Ah.
- [74:37]
Bill Burr
Then the President is tried in the Senate with the Chief justice of the United States presiding. Oh, this is why all the lefties are saying, we got to fucking kill these elections in October so we can get Trump out. I was wondering, what the fuck are they talking about? So then they could actually indict him in the House and then impeach him in the Senate. It requires a two thirds vote of the Senate to remove an impeachment. You think if he got impeached, right? If it went to the Senate and he got impeached, Like, I actually think that he would leave before they took the vote. He would get on his own fucking plane and he would just leave and he'd be on the like. Just so his ego could handle it. Like, you know, you're not gonna come walking in here and have me pack up my shit and have Me escorted out. Like I just get f fired at, you know, some fucking corporation, all right? I haven't been. I don't take the amount of time that I take to comb my hair over the top of my fucking head to be treated this way, all right? So evidently they fucking didn't think the guy was down. I'm literally commentating a game that you already know the results of that you're not watching. This is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever done. All right? I'll be honest with you. I'm just. I'm fucking lonely, okay? I just felt like talking to somebody. Can. Can you guys just be there for me? All right? The fucking. Fucking guy did his goddamn job. He hit it twice. Hey, how about a round of applause for the person who's making the field goal kickers helmets now? They finally, you know, they gave him like two bars. You know, remember back in the day, they just had that, like, Fred Cox, Joe Theisman, all those guys just had that one bar across the front of their fucking. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how those people survived. All right, you know, this is going to be a mercy pause right here. I'm going to just wait for all the information to come from my fucking podcast so I can actually do this. Okay. Yes. We'll send over in five. Getting advertising now. All right, I still got advertising. All right, I'll talk to you in two seconds here. All right, I'm back. And I got all the materials I need here, by the way. All when the states. They fucking scored again. They're up by one point. That's where I am in the game. They just. Vikings just got a pass interference call with number 19 or some shit on the Vikings. Who has the smallest shoulder pads I've ever seen in my life? Remember the 80s, how big fucking shoulder pads were? What do they make those things out of now? I guess if everybody has small ones, then it's a fucking. It's a fair game. Oh, by the way, so basically what happened with Bill Clinton was he got indicted in the House of Representatives, and then when it went to the Senate, they needed two thirds of the vote, and none of the Democrats voted to impeach him. So that's how he got off. The liberals look the other way with the sexual harassment. And, you know, and it's all just politics. It's not like one side's better than the other. If it was a Republican, they would have voted. They all would have voted the exact fucking opposite way. Except maybe One or two fucking actually decent human beings. And the result. But. So Bill Clinton got acquitted, but he did lose his license to practice law because of that. Isn't that fucking unbelievable? Unfucking. What a f. All. One of the hardest things, I think, is to become a lawyer. Just all like. Like trying to pass the bar and all of that. You go through all of that shit, and then what do you do? You stick a cigar in some fucking woman's pussy that isn't your wife, and then you lie about it, and then all that studying goes right out the window. Jesus Christ. I love cigars and I love women. But I'm telling you, if I learned anything, you got to keep them separate. All right? Okay. Let's do some advertising here. Three reads. All right, honey? All right. Number three, Bobby A Bear. They brought him back from the fucking retirement. Is loosening up his. What? Didn't he used to wear that number? He's fucking loosening up his leg here to kick a fucking field goal. Which would win it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Was my prediction true? Are these poor Viking fans gonna get fucked again? Are they going to be crying at the Mall of America? How much. How many yards does he need? They need, like, another 15 yards. Oh. Oh. Okay, here we go. The Vikings are one play away unless this guy comes in and just hits, like, a fucking 70 yarder. Oh, you gotta catch that. You gotta catch that.
- [79:32]
Paul Verzi
Hey.
- [79:32]
Bill Burr
Fucking what a throw it was right there. Drew Brees. Oh, God, the coach has on his reading glasses. He's already in the f. Offseason. He's gonna recatch her in the rye or some shit. Come on, man. Come on, Drew. Why do I give a shit? I. The Vikings have had a drought. The Saints won in 2010.
- [79:53]
Paul Burzey
I just want to be right.
- [79:54]
Bill Burr
I said the Saints are gonna win. I apologize to Everybody in Minneapolis. St. Paul Duluth. Oh, no.
- [80:03]
Paul Verzi
First down.
- [80:04]
Bill Burr
Fucking fight. The Saints. Oh, my God. I have to turn this up. Oh, my God. He's in the guy's field goal rage. Oh, no. You know, it's funny. I love Minneapolis. I don't want you people to be sad. I was just joking around. Oh. Case Keaton puts the hat on, takes it off, puts it on, holds his head. How am I ever going to talk to my loved ones again? Holy shit. Ten, nine, eight. Jesus Christ, Drew. What are we doing? I learned from Tony Romo also. Play clock, you fucking moron. All right, 40 seconds to go. It's like Jesus, he's nonchalant. I learned from Tony Romo, you Want to. You want to kick it with 4 seconds left? I think it's 4 seconds left because then you don't have to kick off. Like, that's how long a field goal takes. But with Tony Romo, after he's done bobbling it, it probably takes 11 seconds. Oh, come on. He shits on Deion Sanders, I can give him a little rough time. I love Tony Romo, by the way. All right, practice tea. All right. He kicked it. Okay. I put it into the net. 37 seconds to go. Oh, my God. Is this the Mall of America? Oh, God. Why didn't I invest in the Kleenex store at the Mall of America? One of the dumbest things I ever did splits and Drew Brees fucking picked it up. It's a catch. Oh, I'm gonna talk so much shit to Mersey. I'm gonna talk so much shit to Versi. Dude, what did I say? I called it. Oh, the ball was bobbling. Oh, he got it. He caught it. Did he catch it enough times for it to be a cat?
- [81:49]
Paul Verzi
No, that.
- [81:50]
Bill Burr
Oh, no, no, no, that's not a catch. The little tail was hanging down the bottom. See? Now here go. Here goes all the fucking drama. This is gonna be 20 fucking minutes of this shit.
- [81:59]
Ad Read Announcer
All right?
- [81:59]
Bill Burr
I'm not even looking at this. This goddamn game at this point. That is not a catch. The Vikings, come on, you got to throw the challenge flag. Did the Vikings coach just come from the gun range? What is with those goddamn glasses? Da da da, da, da, da. You can see the point of the ball touches the ground right there. Yeah, it's not a catch. Everybody knows it's not a catch. For the fucking love of Christ. All right, this is hilarious. The first letter that I got this week. This is the water guy. Now, how did he know the guy wanted the water down his back? Wouldn't that be annoying? Tubafuck is the name of this one. Dear Billy Boozhound, I have been a big fan of the podcast and your stand up for several years now. I am writing you to tell you that I owe you a lot. Oh, Jesus, look at this. It was about a year ago I heard you first say that every now and then you would look into the mirror and call yourself a tub of fuck.
- [83:00]
Paul Burzey
I do.
- [83:01]
Bill Burr
I thought it was hilarious and it made me realize I was a tub of fuck as well. Hey, look at that. We're bonding. Fucking sound icloud preferences. I don't know my password and you won't give me. You won't give me a Second chance. So I don't want to update it. All right. Since last February, I have woken up every morning and told myself that I am a tub of fuck. I made my phone wallpaper a picture of me when I was at my heaviest, 255. So whenever I unlock my phone, there is a reminder of the tub of fuck I am and no longer want to be. That's great. I'm proud to announce that I have lost 70 pounds in 11 months. Dude, that's awesome. And honestly, I owe you a big thanks for giving me the motivation to do this. Because of you and Joe Rogan. Probably more Joe Rogan. He's actually in shape. I have done a lot of things in the last year that have taken me out of my comfort zone. You've been a great inspiration in my life in many different ways. Hope you and the lovely Neil and the baby have a great 2018. From one tub of fuck to another. Go fuck yourself. Well, that was just, you know, for all you guys know that I wrote that. There was really no question there.
- [84:08]
Paul Verzi
After further review.
- [84:12]
Bill Burr
Did he say that was a catch?
- [84:17]
Paul Verzi
What?
- [84:21]
Bill Burr
How the fuck was that a catch? You saw that little cone of the ball. Case Keenum cannot grow a beard. God damn it. He's trying. What the fuck? Oh, my God. Everybody's got on their granny glasses. All right, Drew Brees. What's he going to do? He's going to get it. He hands off the fucking ball and nothing happens. But he didn't fumble it. All right, you guys want to listen to this shit? Do you want to listen to the sound of a bunch of 80,000 people about ready to start crying and go to the Mall of America? If I ran the Mall of America, I would say free roller coaster rides for the entire month. Well, maybe for the week. You know, they got to make that money over there. Can't imagine how much. Oh, my God. How does this always happen to the fucking Vikings? It always happens to them when they're at home. Remember when they were like 15 and one, the dirty birds came in and just somehow came in and fucking beat them. It's unreal. Didn't they have a game against like, the fucking Redskins or something like that in 88? Well, they had the game one and then it just fucking went away. Ah, Jesus Christ. All right, here we go, Bobby A Bears fucking lining up for the kick. The kick is up. Oh, and it's good. Oh, no. Oh, when the saints go marching in. Oh, my God. The game is not over because they got Case Keenum. What The. I'm already typing in capital letters to Paul Versi. What the. Did I say? What did I say? All right, let me turn this down. What did I do to the thing? Is there an exit button? Exit. Holy fucking shit. I can't. I can't fucking believe they came back and won this game. I knew I just say, you know, I don't know shit about football. I just had a feeling. Just had a feeling. I was like, Drew Brees, he's like third all time passing. He never gets the respect he fucking deserves. I think he's got. I said it last week on the podcast. Ah, I'm texting Paul Verse. He right fucking now. Paul Versey. Should I do. I should wait, right? What if this guy takes it back? All right, 25 seconds left. Case Keenum is going to present his case. That he is is the key numb to them winning. Sorry. What the fuck? I mean, they did a bunch for Aaron Judge. I can't have fun with Case Keenum's name. That's what I'm gonna do someday, you know, when I retire from being a comedian, I'm gonna ghostwrite headlines for sports pages, you know, and I'll finally get to do all my pun jokes that I'm not allowed to do in a comedy. You do a pun joke in a comedy club, you're gonna get a groan. And people, you do enough of them, people are gonna ask for their fucking money back. All right? The Daily News, the New York Post, all of these guys, they live on it. Uh oh. Uh oh. False start, False start. Everybody's pointing at everybody else. A little disco dancing. Oh, on the Vikings. Oh, geez. Look at that guy. How much does his breath stink? That fucking beard. He's probably still got cereal in there. Uh oh, that wasn't good. That's not the way you. That's not the way you want to start your two minute offense. I liked the Vikings when I was a kid because purple was my favorite color when I was a little kid. I wanted to be a painter. Not like of art. I just wanted to paint houses. I thought it was gonna. That would be a cool job and all right. Prevent defense, they're on the 38 yard line. Don't take a dumb penalty. I just wanted to paint houses and I was gonna paint everybody's house purple whether they liked it or not, because that was my favorite color. So right out of the gate, you know, I was a. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Paul Verze. Here we go. I'm actually going to. I'm going to text it right now because if I'm wrong, you guys will. I will put the sound on. You'll get to listen to me delete it. Dude, I fucking called it. Called it. Why is it so much fun being right about sports? It's probably because you, you know. I'm so wrong in the rest of my life. Just feels good every once in a while. Incomplete. It only took fucking two seconds off. All right, you know, this is gonna be boring the amount of time this is gonna fucking take. Let me read the next goddamn question. Is it going to be another love letter? Oh, Bill tip on making oatmeal. Okay. I started eating steel cut oats and they have this gluey consistency unless you just keep stirring the fucking thing. He said, get an insta pot and you can make steel cut oats in like three to four minutes. They're like $90 on Amazon. I should use honey, see if I can get it for 87. If you go to your website and click the link, they'll even throw you a little bit of cash there, chief. The fuck is an instapot? You mean like a microwave insta pot? Let me see this. It's like a vaporizer for oatmeal. Insta pot. I need to Google a fucking picture of that. Insta pot. That looks like a complete piece of shit. Oh, instant pot. Wait, is that what you wrote? Am I losing my mind? Where is it? No, you wrote instant pot. It's instant instant pot. Like, I'll have this breakfast made in an instant. Oh, but then on Amazon it says insta pot. Maybe the instant pot is fucking ripping them off. All right, what is it? It's balling on 39. What down is it? Case Cana back for a fucking pass. Throws the ball incomplete. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Yeah, that's what an instant pot is.120 bucks. So this is just gonna be something else in my fucking cupboard because I can't wait an extra 26 minutes for my oats. You like how this person was just trying to help me out? I'm still being a jerk about it. I am into. I didn't see that new Matt Damon movie about downsizing, but I am all about that shit. I just fucking. I had a lot of layoffs in my wardrobe. I just sent everything. Fuck. I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna like three pairs of pants, one black, one blue, and then just one for every shit moment of my fucking day.
- [91:52]
Paul Verzi
Oh, my God.
- [91:53]
Bill Burr
No way.
- [91:55]
Paul Burzey
No fucking way.
- [91:58]
Paul Verzi
That could not have just happened. That could not have just happened.
- [92:05]
Bill Burr
Oh, my God. I have to. I can't fucking believe it's the greatest podcast ever.
- [92:11]
Paul Verzi
That could not have just happened. How do you let that happen?
- [92:21]
Bill Burr
Holy. All right, wait. Unbelievable. Oh, you know what? I didn't save the thing. When I texted to Bersey, I almost said, dude, I called it. How did that just happen? On the last play of the game and that he missed him and knocked his own guy down. You have to be kidding me. I've literally seen it all. I cannot believe that just happened. Are you kidding me? Exactly. Case keenum. Oh, my God. I just thought when the guy caught it, I was like, holy. Are they gonna have time to kick a field goal? Why won't anybody hug Case Keen. Look at the wide receiver acting like.
- [93:38]
Paul Verzi
He just did something.
- [93:39]
Bill Burr
I mean, he caught the ball, but the. The Saints completely up. He act like he faked out. That guy. He. Wow. Oh, my God. I don't know what the name of that saint is, but I got a feeling everybody's gonna know that name by tonight. I cannot believe that just happened. That was another. When Drew Pearson caught that ball. The Vikings are finally on the right side of one of these plays. Holy. Oh, my God. I cannot fucking believe. I cannot fucking believe that just happened.
- [94:32]
Paul Burzey
That was unbelievable.
- [94:36]
Bill Burr
Happy for Minnesota, but, Jesus Christ, sad for the Saints. What the fuck? Now how if you're that guy in the Saints that missed the guy completely, didn't even put your fucking arms out and then took out another player. How do you go into that locker room? What do you say? What the fuck do you say? Oh, my God. What were the fucking odds I was gonna be watching this game the entire time? Oh, Jesus. Now the refs gotta look. Reviewing the score. It's a. He didn't step out of bounds. Don't take this away from football fans. Don't take this away. What did he do? He just put his head down. That's like some Pop Warner shit. Oh, my God. Reeling the field is confirmed. Look at the ref. Taking a lot of time here. He never gets cheered.
- [95:46]
Paul Verzi
We must kick the field goal.
- [95:50]
Bill Burr
I just shut it off. I cannot. Wait a minute. I got to leave it on. What if they fucking block it and score. Score a fucking touchdown, right? I got to leave that on. I can't. I don't believe what I just saw. I cannot fucking believe that. How many times have I said that? That was fucking unbelievable. How do I follow this up with questions? I just did all of that. Now my next question.
- [96:24]
Paul Verzi
Do you miss the Prius?
- [96:25]
Bill Burr
I swear to God. That's the question. Oh, now they got to clear the field. We have to fucking kick the extra point. The Saints are gone. Now they got to come out of the locker room. Can you imagine if the guy just fucked that player, blocked this extra point and ran it back for a touchdown? That would be like watching a Tosh point. Oh, like, you know, when he has the people be able to do their redemptions without needing tosh point. Oh. It'd be a self contained episode. All right, hang on a second. Let me get my password in here. Let me read this Prius thing while we're waiting. Okay. Do you miss the Prius? What up, Billy? Buick. I actually love a Buick. Back in the day. I love Buicks. You know when a Cadillac was a Cadillac and a Buick was like, you know, you weren't quite a Cadillac guy. I wonder if this would have put him at least in field goal range. The worst fucking attempt ever at a fucking. The fact that that guy is a safety. Oh my God. I don't fight. I seen a lot of shit. I have seen a lot of shit. What the fuck? Anyways, do you. I know you're thrifting for years while driving your Prius, Bill. I was wondering if you still like driving a nicer vehicle or regret spending the money. I'm in the recovery from buying new vehicles. I wasted money for years on new cars and never really got any satisfaction from it. The past three years I've been driving a 2007 Honda Accord. Awesome. And surprisingly, I'm pretty happy with it. Yeah, dude, once you get it paid off, it's a shit. I still have to fight the urge to buy a new ride often. Anyways, Happy New Year from down in Alabama. I know because I. I didn't buy a nice car till I could afford one. That's a mistake. A lot of people do. You know, they're trying to get some ladies attention or whatever the fuck it is, or they just love cars so much. Like if you're really, really a car guy, I understand like along the way you're gonna have like nice cars. But I was always about paying off my house and getting the bankers off my back. I was into that shit. This is what's fucked up is the Saints right now. They have a chance, a very small chance, but they, they have a chance, don't they? To block the extra point and return it for a touchdown. Can't that fucking happen anyways? Yeah, I was always. I was always way into no debt or working my way towards having no debt. Like, I, I just, I can't stress that enough to young people. When you get like a credit card and all that, it's just like, be, be really careful with those things. And you can't like, oh, this is smart. They're just going to go for a two point conversion and just down the ball, so that can't happen. There you go. That's smart, my dumb ass. That's why I don't coach on any level. Anyways, the. Yeah, I was, I just, was always into like, just not being in debt, you know, it just absolutely paralyzes you and it affects your ability to go after what you want to go after. I've told this story before. Like, I kept a day job until I moved to New York. The first three and a half years I was a comedian. Probably the last year, well, actually it's not true because I was still living at home with my parents. I could have basically, you know, said, hey, can you help support me with my dream? And I could have just been sitting around the house and just making comedy money. But I continued to work and before I moved down to New York, I paid off everything. I paid off my student loans, I paid off my car, which died right before I went to New York, and I saved up a chunk of money and I just moved down to New York. And I was never a ramen noodle guy, but I definitely ate a lot of fucking rigatoni and spaghetti and shit. I just did that. So I am. When I finally got it, when I finally bought myself a nice car, I could afford it and felt like I earned it. And yeah, I loved it. But I also love the Prius. The Prius is a great car, you know, cheap as to own. It's never a problem. You can park it wherever you want. No one's trying to steal a Prius. You know, I always joked like, you know, once mine was like 8 or 9 years old. I literally could leave that thing on with the door open in the middle of a, you know, riot and no one would take it. Like, you know, whenever they do the trap car, they try to get people to steal that car. They've never, I will be willing to bet they never did that with the fucking Prius. Now I want to know how many of those Viking fans stuck around. You know, some people left, you know, that they left and as they were winding down the stairs, they just heard everybody going, oh my God. Oh my God. Then they had to fucking run their fat asses back up there. Congratulations to the Vikings. Holy Shit. The Vikings did not win that game. That was the biggest fuck up I have seen in a long goddamn time. Ah, Drew Brees. And once again, Drew Brees, the silent assassin. Nobody knows how good that guy is. And now he's not going to get to prove it in the NFC Championship game. Potentially trying to win a Super Bowl. Oh, tragedy. All right. Bulletproof glass. Bullshit. Dear Billy, dad bought. You know that hurts. I was listening to your podcast a while back where you read someone's email concerning owning a store with a bulletproof glass where his grandfather was almost killed and he was outraged at the mandate and claimed the person pushing the bill said bulletproof windows are racist. I just wanted to point out that it was bullshit. Most people in this country who get outraged over things are oftentimes just misinformed. And because we live in a consumer culture where the customer is always right. No, they're not. That's old school. The customer is not right. The customer can go fuck themselves and talk to a fucking robot on the phone. If you're bleeding to death, press 2. The mindset has transitioned to politicians saying the citizens are hard working, honest, honorable Americans rather than saying the truth. Most citizens are ignorant, entitled, tribal mouth. Tribal mouth breathers, sir. I don't know at what point in political history politicians were saying that. They never said that either. So you're kind of speaking in hyperbole, I believe is the expression. But I understand what you're saying. You're trying to build up your point. This is the bill that was proposed regarding bulletproof windows. I'm not fucking reading all of that. It's regarding restaurants and no other places of business. So that person that wrote you in fear of having his bulletproof glass band is basically an outrage over nothing. Oh, in outrage. In outrage, you mean. No, D. It doesn't even affect him or his grandfather. Well, that's good. It was never called racist. We want to make sure that there isn't this sort of indignity, in my opinion, to serving food through a Plexiglas only in certain neighborhoods. What? That doesn't make sense. Well, who are you to say it's indignant? You know what? That's. That's sneaky writing right there. You're going to get offended for people. I don't understand what's going on here. I don't understand. It was never called racist. We want to make sure that there isn't this sort of indignity, in my opinion, to serving food through a Plexiglas only in a certain neighborhood. Well, whenever I was doing gigs in bad neighborhoods, and they had that fucking bulletproof glass. I always looked at it. Okay, heads up. Keep your head on a swivel. I appreciated it being there. I didn't feel like fucking. I don't know what you're trying to do here, but I am in favor of hurting some people's feelings. If it keeps people who want to just have the honest job of working at a restaurant alive, I would be in favor of it. I don't think it's Plexiglas, is it? Plexiglass stops a bullet. I don't fucking know. That's from Philadelphia Councilwoman Cindy Bass. All right, let's look up Cindy Bass. Cindy can be your friend. Pretend she's your fucking councilman. Why does it always take me to fucking Wikipedia now? What the fuck? Where are we? Cindy Bass Images. Cindy Bass appears to be African American. All right, so this person was saying that she was being racist. Now, according to some people, it's impossible for a black person to be raised. I don't even know what the fuck is going on right now. I don't know. All I know is if I worked in a goddamn restaurant and somebody nearby had shot someone in a restaurant to the point that somebody felt that there needed to be some fucking glass up there, I would want it. But who the fuck am I to say what people need in their neighborhood? Now, how the fuck did I get signed out of that thing? Hey, when it signs you out and goes, you want to make a report? No, I don't have time for that shit. Who has time to do that? I was trying to do a podcast, and all of a sudden I was signed up. It was never called. Okay, while I still don't agree that any type of business should be mandated to remove a type of security for whatever it was. Websites like steadfastand loyal.com that wrote bulletproof glass is now racist in their title. However, you know what? I actually understand what you're saying here, because that type of shit happens to comedians all the time, where they just, you know, they float something out there. Huffington Post. And then they try to get you in trouble or make it more sensationalized so they can get views. However, in the body of the article, they admitted that the councilwoman never used those words. But, of course, most people don't read beyond this article. Yeah, see, I mean, that's the Internet. There's really no. There's no libel. There's. No. There's not. I cannot fucking. I gotta hear what this guy said. God, Cared. God cared that this guy. Yes, God cared. The other guy had too much devil in him. And the safety on the saints. He prayed to the devil. That's what happened. And the devil misled him to tackle air. To tackle his own fucking teammate. I know you're a comedian and not some fucking political correspondent, so it's not like I'm trying to hold you up to some Barbara Walters type of standard. But I know some people in your audience forget that and believe everything they read and everything they hear that feeds into what they already believe. Like you said, iamright.com? yeah, well, dude, nobody's coming to this fucking website to become informed, okay? Don't put that on me, okay? I did not pursue that, which is why I became a comedian. All right? I tried the serious. The serious world. It didn't fucking work out for me. I failed miserably. Okay? Failed my wife. All right? Dear Billy, buddy guy. My wife and I have been married for a year and a half. We both have a child from prior relationships and a seventh month old daughter together. She's an angel, by the way. Of course she is. She is Latina. And I only bring that up because she fits all the fiery stereotypes, both good and bad. She completes my life with this. Although arguments can get very difficult. Dude, I thought you were talking about your seven month old. That's fucking hilarious. You went right into that. I thought you already have an argument with a seven month old and she's fiery, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah there. It's fucking talking gibberish, okay? Your wife, okay, she's Latina. And I only bring that up because she fits all these stereotypes. She completes my life, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have some of the same temper issues that you use to describe yourself. And your bit about kneeling on the ball when I'm right has paid off huge. So thank you for that. Yeah, I wish. I should probably rewatch that bit because I have not been doing that lately. I've been airing it out. Anyway, to cut to the chase, we decided together to fight for primary custody of my son. The case is very complicated, but for the sake of everyone listening, I'll summarize it with as few details as possible. In family court before appearing in front of a judge, there is a conference where a mediator tries everything they can to make sure you can come to an agreement and avoid a judge deciding. My wife and I had a a plan going in to not cut a deal with my ex at the conference and hold out for a judge to rule on Custody. However, I had no idea the level of pressure that they'd be able to put on me, and I buckled under it and made a deal for the next year. Then I had to go home and explain to my wife that I had failed our plan. I don't know if you've ever completely disappointed your woman, but this is the worst feeling in the world. Well, wait a minute. She's going to judge you because they probably used your love of your own kid right against you anyways. And as you can imagine over the past day or so, she's cutting me into me at just about every opportunity for all the little failures. And I can see it right in her eyes that her man had a moment of weakness and didn't come through in the clutch. Worse is that she absolutely hates my ex and feels like I let her get the better of me. Us. Yeah, I kind of had a feeling. Yeah. Okay. All right. Oh, geez. You're in the middle of that. You're in the middle of two ladies. Have you ever disappointed your woman with a grand fuck up about every three days? I guess a good boxing analysis is that my hands are down and I don't know how long to let her continue jabbing at me until I put them back up. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I wouldn't take another ounce of shit from her. You need to sit down and talk to her and be like, wait a minute, I'm trying to get my kid back. I'm going back with all of this emotion. Wait, let me make sure this is you decided together to get primary custody of your son. Now, whose idea was that? Was that totally yours? Or was the hatred your wife has of your ex wife played into the thing? I. I don't know, dude. I don't know what's going on, but it sounds. When it went into my head, okay, now no notice. Know that everything that you say is now perverted because it went into my brain. As I say, once you say something, it's not what you said anymore. It's cut with the other person's experiences. It's like drugs that have been stepped on. What you said was pure cocaine. Now it's in my head and there's all this ex lax fucking laxatives getting fucking put in it. All I hear is that your wife, your current wife, resents your previous fucking wife and she's doing that woman thing where they don't solve things with their fists. They try to fucking make. They just do that thing where they try to make the other woman as miserable as they possibly can. And she knows probably how much it would break your ex wife's heart to lose primary custody of your son. And she really wanted to do that to her because that would make her feel better and more secure in your relationship. I don't fucking know. I have no idea, dude. There's too many fucking variables here. But I wouldn't take an ounce of shit if I had a son from a previous marriage and you know, I was trying to do what you were doing, and then I caved under that pressure. My wife would understand it. If she ever gave me shit, I would be stunned. And then I would fucking read her the riot act and I would go out to a bar and have a couple of cold ones there. That's what I would do. Okay? Now, I get into a lot of arguments in my relationship, so you probably don't want to listen to me. I have no professional background, okay? I'm the type of man that wants that already types out. Dude, I called it with 25 seconds left and fucking jinxes the Saints. Maybe it was my fault, all right? I don't know what the fuck that was, but you can't say it wasn't compelling if you're a football fan. Everybody else, I apologize to. Go yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.
- [113:49]
Paul Burzey
What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better Podcast NFL edition for. Oh, my God. Going into divisional weekend. What a wild card weekend it was. I'm your host, Paul Burzey. Bill Burr is your host. Over there we have the Greek freak in Beverly Hills. And we have Jake the Snake with our injury report from undisclosed area. As always, nobody knows where Jake the Snake is. But what we do know is that.
- [114:15]
Paul Verzi
The ladies know where he is.
- [114:17]
Paul Burzey
Oh, yeah, yeah, ladies know where he is. I'm not gonna lie. Me and Bill crushed wild card week.
- [114:25]
Bill Burr
Bill went.
- [114:26]
Paul Verzi
You were 50 at one point.
- [114:29]
Paul Burzey
I was 50 at one point. And what did I tell you though, dude?
- [114:32]
Bill Burr
That.
- [114:33]
Paul Burzey
That my stupid, stupid speech.
- [114:37]
Bill Burr
Oh.
- [114:37]
Paul Burzey
Aaron Rodgers and Tomlin are going to have a meeting alone and say, let's stick it up, everybody. It was a. It was a pipe.
- [114:45]
Paul Verzi
It just didn't happen.
- [114:46]
Paul Burzey
No, it didn't happen. What are you going to do?
- [114:48]
Paul Verzi
But how about Tomlin? What a. What a run, huh, dude?
- [114:52]
Paul Burzey
Tomlin and Harbaugh. Harbaugh, the new coat. By the way, I'm very happy my New York Giants have. John Harbaugh is the new new coach of the New York Giants. Thank God they got somebody in there with a You know, with a. Actually a record like Tom Coughlin. First time since Tom Coughlin, he is.
- [115:06]
Paul Verzi
Going to turn that team around. Like, that guy is. Is not. The game has not passed him by. It was. No, it was just time.
- [115:15]
Paul Burzey
It was just time. And I think the same thing with Tomlin. I love how Tomlin such a prideful guy that he was like, I'm just calling the Steelers. I don't know if you heard what he did, but he didn't even. I guess the Steelers wanted to have a meeting with him. And apparently the Steelers said, dude, we're going to run this back with you, you know, for your 20th year. And he was just like, you know, he's got the fans cheering fire Tomlin. And he's just. He's like, dude, you know what? My time is done here. And thank you. No, thank you. I'm done. And both great coaches, dude. Amazing coaches.
- [115:46]
Paul Verzi
You know what's insane is I am going to be 58 years old in June and then I look this good.
- [115:53]
Bill Burr
Now.
- [115:55]
Paul Verzi
They have had. The Steelers have had three coaches in my lifetime.
- [115:58]
Bill Burr
I think.
- [115:59]
Paul Verzi
I think Chuck no, maybe he started in 69. I was born in 60.
- [116:02]
Bill Burr
68.
- [116:03]
Paul Verzi
Dude, that Steelers have had two coaches since. Chuck.
- [116:07]
Paul Burzey
No Steelers have had two coaches in my lifetime.
- [116:11]
Paul Verzi
No, three. Chuck no was still a coach when you were born.
- [116:15]
Bill Burr
Oh, was he?
- [116:16]
Paul Burzey
Okay, when did he end? When did he. When did he stop?
- [116:18]
Paul Verzi
Like 83, 84, 85.
- [116:20]
Bill Burr
Somewhere like the mid-80s.
- [116:22]
Paul Verzi
After Terry Lambert, Mel Blonde, all of those guys left, all the super Steelers were gone. Then he retired. And then Bill Cower. Let's go. He was the first guy.
- [116:35]
Bill Burr
Let's go.
- [116:35]
Paul Verzi
Let's go. He was the first guy saying that, I feel. And then after him was Mike Tomlin, and everybody is one. Like Noel got four. Cower got one. Tomlin got one.
- [116:49]
Paul Burzey
Or Tomlin went to two.
- [116:51]
Paul Verzi
Got one, got one. Yep. So, I mean, that's a hell of an organization, dude. It's a hell of an organization.
- [116:59]
Bill Burr
You got.
- [117:00]
Paul Verzi
You got to give it up to the Steelers.
- [117:01]
Paul Burzey
Amazing. Amazing. No, I'm really glad the Giants actually have some young weapons and now a coach to build it, you know. And then Bill, you lost with the Eagles and I lost with the Steelers. Other than that, we fucking 5 and 1, dude. Bill and I, we go 10 and 2, 10 and 2. You know, somebody reached out and goes, you guys won me some money. I had some fans reach out, go, you guys won me some money.
- [117:30]
Paul Verzi
That's what we're here for. Paul, give him some laughs and maybe we make him some money. Always make them laugh. Don't always make them money. Like this past week, we made him some money.
- [117:38]
Paul Burzey
I. Here's what I learned over the week. I learned that Josh Allen will make a big time throw that not many guys could make in a big moment and seem unfazed. And I also learned that that Caleb Williams kid, the. The quarterback of the Bears, is actually really good. Like, really good. You know.
- [117:58]
Paul Verzi
You know what he's really good at? He's good at rolling out, running.
- [118:02]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [118:02]
Paul Verzi
And throwing unbelievably accurate over 20 yards down the field. Like, his exact mobility, extending the play and all of that. Like, it was weird, dude. Like, the first half, I mean, he was. Didn't look like he was good. It was like, I don't know what happened in that game. I don't understand why the packers were stopping them. You know, I can just say halftime adjustments. Like, I don't know what they did. Like the Patriots, Chargers. I was watching. My brother knows a lot about football. He was going like, yeah. I go, this game's getting kind of ugly. And he was just going like, well, you know what I said? I said, dude, we got two good running backs. They're going to eat up the clock. The Chargers completely took that away from us. And then we were trying to throw our passes that, that, that the running game usually sets up. And their defensive backs were too good. But when we started dumping it off to the tight end underneath, I think that kind of loosened stuff up for us. But I don't know what the hell happened in that packers game all of a sudden. But I will say Jordan Love to the end was throwing strikes. They didn't catch him.
- [119:03]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [119:05]
Paul Verzi
There was that one right on the right over the fucking middle. That guy caught it. He would have gone right in the end zone and that would have been it.
- [119:11]
Paul Burzey
What about A.J. brown of the Eagles? Dude, I mean, that was right in his hands.
- [119:15]
Paul Verzi
That.
- [119:15]
Paul Burzey
That changes everything. He dropped it. He was the guy complaining all year and he dropped it. A lot of drops this year, but you're right, Duke, Caleb Williams running left and then just like on the run, just threw a fucking unbelievable ball.
- [119:28]
Paul Verzi
That kid is for real.
- [119:29]
Bill Burr
Like, if they get him, you know.
- [119:32]
Paul Verzi
I don't know what they're. I don't know much about the Bears. I'm an AFC guy, but like, if that kid has an offensive line and people to throw to, you obviously, you know, that's, that's the dream. So you can see you got to give your quarterback that, because if you don't have those two things. You're not going to be able to see, like, what their capabilities are, which is why it's. It's a curse to be that. The most. The most highly touted quarterback.
- [119:59]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [120:00]
Paul Verzi
In the draft. Because you're going to go to a team with no offensive line and nobody to throw to, and then they give you a big sack of money and all the fans are like, this guy's a fucking bust and he's out there running for his life. So that's why I love Baker Mayfield, because, you know, he went to the fucking Browns in places where quarterbacks go to die. And you also have to. With this Williams kid. People go. Quarterbacks go to Chicago to die. And this fucking guy is, you know, I wouldn't say thriving, but he's doing better than anybody I've seen in a long time.
- [120:32]
Paul Burzey
Yeah. And the thing about him that I noticed and like I said, that's why I kind of picked him a lot all year, is he does it in the fourth quarter a lot. As the game gets more tight and there's more pressure on the kid, he makes bigger throws, which to me is a winner, by the way. Speaking of winners.
- [120:47]
Paul Verzi
Could have quit, dude, on that. When the packers came back, you know, after they came back and they went up by a couple of points and the packers came back and scored a touchdown, not a field goal. Like a team can get down on themselves. They didn't. So good job with the players and the coaches and all really compliments this week, Paulie.
- [121:03]
Paul Burzey
And how about this? The Bears don't have a huge, big time receiver. You give that kid a big receiver, too, man, that. That team could be dangerous. But by the way, speaking of winners, Bill, speaking of winners, not only did you almost beat the book, you were a game and a half off, but then you win five. So technically, my friend, technically, if we count everything, you are over that mountain, baby.
- [121:27]
Paul Verzi
No, no, I lost by a couple. I needed to go three and one and I went one and three. So I'm at least two under.
- [121:35]
Paul Burzey
Well, you won five.
- [121:36]
Paul Verzi
What? I was already under. So I'm like, I think I'm about even. Paul.
- [121:39]
Bill Burr
Billy.
- [121:39]
Paul Verzi
Win some, lose some. And me going 500. Paul, you're not gonna lose your house, but you're not putting on an addition.
- [121:48]
Paul Burzey
Hey, that's why we say bet responsibly. Speaking of bet responsibly. Guys, we gotta shout out our. Before we bring in Jake the Snake for our injury report, we are going to shout out our sponsor. It's BetMGM. We've been with them for years.
- [122:01]
Bill Burr
We love them.
- [122:02]
Paul Burzey
The best lines out there guys. You know how to do it. All you do is take your device and you download the BETMGM app to that device and you use our code Burr B U R R. It's very simple. You put as little as ten dollars in the account on your first wager. If that wager loses, you will get fifteen hundred dollars back in bonus bets to have fun with. Bet responsibly. And also the first touchdown promo, you pick any player in any game to get the first touchdown and you win. If not but they get the second touchdown, you win your cash back. It is that easy. Now going into the divisional we only got four games left of the season. This year has flown by, but one thing that has been a constant is our injury report guy, Jake the Snake. So Jake, tell us what you got for the last four games this or for the four games this week in divisional weekend. What do we got?
- [122:51]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, we're fortunate. It's not too bad of injury news this week, but in the Patriots Texans game we have the Patriots best defensive back and the Texans best receivers. That's Nico Collins for the Texans and Christian Gonzalez. They both left the weekend's games with head injuries. It seems like Christian Gonzalez is more likely to play than Nico Collins, but hopefully they're both out there. But they both have concussions, so something to monitor.
- [123:16]
Paul Verzi
Gonzalez, I can tell you is a shutdown corner. They don't even throw his way.
- [123:20]
Jake the Snake
Amazing player. Yeah, so that's, that's a big.
- [123:22]
Paul Burzey
Wait a minute, but doesn't the NFL have a rule if you get a concussion in the game, isn't there a minimum of a don't you have to miss a game or.
- [123:29]
Jake the Snake
No, if you make it through the protocol or whatever, then okay. But it's been stricter this year, but I'm sure for the playoffs it might be a little, you know, looser. So I'm not sure what the exact policy is there, but that's kind of like what you have to get through to play. And then we all saw but George Kittle tore his Achilles against the Eagles, so he's obviously done for the year. Really unfortunate. The Niners just have been dealing with injuries all year and then last one is also the Niners. Fred Warner is trying to come back the outstanding linebacker for the Niners, but we'll see. He seems like a long shot to play as of now, but they've activated him from the IR so he has a chance but it's a very slow one. So that's kind of like the big. The big injuries I see. And I love.
- [124:11]
Bill Burr
I know.
- [124:12]
Paul Verzi
Oh, go ahead.
- [124:13]
Paul Burzey
I was gonna say, Jake, you're just like. Even though it's the end of the year, you're in. You're in mid season form. I mean, that was. You're coming in hot.
- [124:20]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. And I loved your. I love the Giants hire John Harbaughs. I was thinking, like, what are their best fits for him? Like, that's. That. That couldn't be a better place.
- [124:28]
Paul Verzi
And I think that has to crush jets fans. That has to crush them, dude. It's just like. Because, you know, you guys couldn't really talk too much shit this year because you suck, too. But like, the Giants, even when they. They don't suck for a long time. And the Jets. The jets have type 1 diabetes. The Giants have type 2. Like, you know, you can eat your way in and eat your way out, you know.
- [124:53]
Paul Burzey
Yeah.
- [124:54]
Paul Verzi
Sorry to bring up that reference. I'm just waking up too.
- [124:59]
Paul Burzey
Paul.
- [125:02]
Paul Verzi
We're gonna get some emails on that. You know, as someone with type 1 diabetes. Well, we want to be your insulin injection this week. Okay. Let's try. Let's try to pick some winners. Pick some winners here, Paul. I can tell you as a Patriots fan, I don't want to play any team that's left in the afc. These are all fucking good teams.
- [125:22]
Paul Burzey
Andrew, can you pull. Yeah, Andrew, can you pull up so we can take a look?
- [125:27]
Bill Burr
See here?
- [125:28]
Paul Verzi
I feel like the NFC is more wide open. This is anybody's super bowl this year, dude.
- [125:33]
Paul Burzey
It really is. Well, I'll go first on this one and then, Bill, you tell me what you think.
- [125:40]
Paul Verzi
Will you say one thing first?
- [125:41]
Paul Burzey
Yeah.
- [125:41]
Paul Verzi
At the beginning of the year, if you would tell me that. Kansas City. The Ravens. Yeah, the Lions.
- [125:51]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [125:52]
Paul Verzi
Who else? Just people you would just assume would be like, those are the big three, either. No. Eagles. Yeah, I would have thought that. But, you know, after, like, all of those teams weren't there for the whole fucking playoffs, except for the Eagles. Like, I would never. I would never have guessed. The Patriots, Seahawks, I. I had no idea they were going to be like that. Or certainly not the Bears. So this is a. It's a weird year, Paul. It's a weird year.
- [126:23]
Paul Burzey
All right, well, this one was. I'm glad this game, the first game we're looking at is Bill's Broncos because this was the easiest one for me as far as what I thought. I instantly thought it. And I'm Sticking to it. Josh Allen is going to win this game. I think the Bills are going to win this game. I think that. I just. I just. I don't know, man. Bo Nicks has not won a playoff game yet. The.
- [126:47]
Paul Verzi
The.
- [126:48]
Paul Burzey
The Broncos have inexperience. I also don't like that an inexperienced team has a bye week and a team like the Bills coming in and it's a one point spread. Andrew, it says one and a half and one. Which one is it?
- [127:04]
Bill Burr
That would change. So, yeah, it's.
- [127:05]
Jake the Snake
It's one.
- [127:06]
Paul Verzi
Let me.
- [127:07]
Paul Burzey
Okay.
- [127:08]
Bill Burr
Okay.
- [127:09]
Paul Verzi
So this is basically a pickup.
- [127:10]
Paul Burzey
It's a pick. Them. I'm taking the Bills all day. I'm taking Josh Allen. I think that this is a year for him without the Chiefs. So that's what I'm doing. That's my pick.
- [127:20]
Paul Verzi
All right. I love what you're saying there, Paul, but I think the Broncos are going to beat him and then there's going to be a big shake up in Buffalo because all of their. There's nobody, Everybody who beats them every year is not in the playoffs. I just.
- [127:41]
Bill Burr
Who.
- [127:42]
Paul Verzi
I just think the Broncos are. They're at home.
- [127:45]
Bill Burr
They got a great.
- [127:46]
Paul Verzi
They got a great defense. I think, you know, there's a reason why it's a one point spread.
- [127:51]
Bill Burr
This is going to cut. There's plenty of time.
- [127:53]
Paul Verzi
It's going to be one of these games. And who the hell was I watching? Shout out to the Bears, by the way, for playing 60 minutes of football that, you know, once they went up, they were right up on the line. On that final drive, on that final drive.
- [128:09]
Bill Burr
They.
- [128:09]
Paul Verzi
They weren't doing that like, they give you like a 12 yard cushion. So this just. First down, first down, first down, all the way down. And then, you know, let's wait to play defense when we get in the red zone.
- [128:20]
Bill Burr
So.
- [128:20]
Paul Verzi
But even with that, the fucking packers.
- [128:23]
Bill Burr
Still went down the field.
- [128:24]
Paul Verzi
What am I babbling about? I'm taking the Broncos. Take the Broncos. Paul, just to make it interesting, because I actually, on paper, what you said makes sense to me. All right. I like that.
- [128:37]
Paul Burzey
The first one head to head. It's nice.
- [128:40]
Paul Verzi
All right, so here's the next one. 49ers, Seahawks. Seahawks are looking like a fucking juggernaut. 49ers have a huge injury, but, you know, this has happened to them all year and they've been in games the whole year, and that's a really disgustingly huge, disrespectful spread. And I like the 49ers. I like Brock Purdy. I like their coach. Shanahan, who I was calling Schottenheimer.
- [129:06]
Bill Burr
It's Peyton.
- [129:08]
Paul Verzi
No, no, 49ers. Oh, okay, 49ers. I'm going to take the 49ers getting seven points. It's a division rivalry. They know each other. It's a playoff game. I think, you know, teams have a tendency to go up and then try not to lose, which is, you know, a big spread like that, that's a big number to cover Paul, in January.
- [129:29]
Paul Burzey
Yeah, well.
- [129:31]
Paul Verzi
And as much as the 49ers are hurt, I'm guaranteeing you the Seahawks are hurt. Everybody's hurt this time of year. Undisclosed shit.
- [129:39]
Paul Burzey
I want to. All right, well, the nice thing is we're going head to head a lot this week because I want to believe that. I want to believe that and I want that to happen because I love the 49ers organization, but I think. No kiddle. I just think that it's going to run out on them. I think the Seahawks defense is nuts. Sam Darnold has to prove it, but I think a touchdown is something they can do against this team that's banged up. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm going to take the Seahawks to cover that.
- [130:10]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, Each other too. It felt like a mismatch, but, you know, Purdy's really stepped it up. I mean, he's looked great these last few weeks.
- [130:17]
Bill Burr
Yeah. P's great.
- [130:18]
Ad Read Announcer
Yeah.
- [130:19]
Paul Burzey
Who won the last time they played? They played not long ago, right? Yeah.
- [130:22]
Jake the Snake
It was the last game of the year. Seattle won, so that's why. The one that, that was for the one seed. So that Seattle's now the one seed.
- [130:27]
Paul Burzey
What'd they win by? What was that score?
- [130:29]
Paul Verzi
Oh, good question.
- [130:30]
Jake the Snake
I'll look it up real fast.
- [130:32]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [130:32]
Jake the Snake
They kind of pulled away, but it was close early.
- [130:35]
Paul Burzey
What do you think, Bill? Your Texans and Patriots. I know where you're going here. You have to go.
- [130:39]
Paul Verzi
I know, I know. I hate. I am scared to death of the Texans. They have an unbelievable defense. They have a great coach. They got the whole thing. They have the team to go into Foxborough and win the fucking game. But, you know, this is your pick. But you know who I'm already. This is yours. But you know where I'm going with this.
- [130:57]
Paul Burzey
This is the hardest one for me. I've been going back and forth in my mind. Nico Collins being out really changes things. I think if Nico Collins is in this game, I think the Texans could win. Nico Collins is not in this game, dude. And, and, and C.J. stroud doesn't have a big wide receiver to throw to. I am stuck with this. It's a perfect number three. It's just. It's just Vegas being that asshole that you're just like shaking your head at. I mean, this is a.
- [131:23]
Bill Burr
As.
- [131:24]
Paul Burzey
As much of a. I know it's all a coin.
- [131:25]
Paul Verzi
This was for Paul. It's a no brainer. You're going on Texas.
- [131:28]
Paul Burzey
Oh, if this is four, I'm.
- [131:30]
Bill Burr
This is just.
- [131:30]
Paul Burzey
Dude, Nico Collins being out and we don't know if he's going to play.
- [131:35]
Paul Verzi
This game has push written all over.
- [131:39]
Paul Burzey
Really does. It really does. And who's. Who's favored? The Patriots are favored.
- [131:44]
Paul Verzi
Yep. And look at that. Number two, Paul. Look at that. Over under 40 and a half. That. That's a compliment to both teams. Unless you look at us offensively.
- [131:56]
Paul Burzey
The defensive line. The defensive line is so crazy. Every time I watch a Texans this year, the defensive line is crazy. But I don't know if C.J. straw's got anybody to throw to. Look, since we're going head to head on all of them, I. I could see the Patriots winning this game big, but I could see that the Texans. Oh, all right, look, I'm just going to say.
- [132:17]
Bill Burr
I'm just.
- [132:17]
Paul Verzi
I love the look away.
- [132:18]
Bill Burr
I love it.
- [132:20]
Paul Burzey
I. I really like this one. Hey, can I get a pass? Let's just not do this one. I'll take the Texans just to make it interesting because you're taking the Pats. This is a push game.
- [132:30]
Paul Verzi
I'll be honest, dude. If it wasn't the Patriots, I would take the Texans.
- [132:34]
Paul Burzey
I'm going to. I'm going to take the Texans just because it's three and like you said, they're getting three. And when a defense that good gets three, I'll take them. But I don't know about that game. I'm just going to take the Texans.
- [132:46]
Paul Verzi
I would be honest with you, dude. Their number one receiver being out would not scare me.
- [132:51]
Bill Burr
You know, you don't throw to that.
- [132:53]
Paul Verzi
Guy every time and there's somebody's going to step up.
- [132:57]
Paul Burzey
I know, but he changes the defensive schemes.
- [132:59]
Paul Verzi
I would take the Texans.
- [133:01]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [133:01]
Paul Verzi
I believe in that team. But I am a Patriots fan and I'm from the South Shore. 15 minute drive for me, Paulie.
- [133:09]
Bill Burr
I know. And I was wrong last week about the weather was. I was wrong. The weather was wrong. Well, Steelers and Pats, they said might be some snow or some precipitation. There was none this week. It says that there could be some snow and Showers.
- [133:23]
Jake the Snake
Andrew, save that for the Chicago game because it's supposed to be freezing there.
- [133:27]
Paul Verzi
Supposed to.
- [133:28]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [133:28]
Paul Verzi
I, like, I'm taking the Patriots minus three.
- [133:36]
Paul Burzey
Because you have to.
- [133:37]
Paul Verzi
Because I have to. And as a fan, I'm just happy to be here.
- [133:42]
Paul Burzey
Yeah, as. As you should be. You know what, though, Bill, I gotta say, as much as you can't throw to your best receiver, it changes the defensive scheme, him being out there, and I think you guys taking him away.
- [133:55]
Paul Verzi
Anyway to a certain extent. So. Yeah, it's like, you know, and then they. Like last week, they took away our running game, so you have to beat him another way. Like, that's Belichick. You know, if anybody learned. I don't know where Belichick learned it, but that's what he would do is like, all right, what is their biggest asset? We'll take away, like, we're going to have. It's like, we'll make you throw with.
- [134:16]
Paul Burzey
Your left hand and you guys have good defensive backs. You guys have good defensive backs.
- [134:20]
Paul Verzi
No, but Gonzalez is out.
- [134:22]
Paul Burzey
No, not definitely, though.
- [134:24]
Paul Verzi
Yeah, well, you know, he got his head rattled, so.
- [134:29]
Paul Burzey
All right, here we go. The last game. The last game of the divisional weekend is the Rams versus the Bears. It's a perfect spread, of course, because that little point, that little dot five will make you lose sleep. Oh, that point five is in me, buddy. The Bears are home. Oh, my God. Matthew Stafford having the season. He's having Puka Nakua.
- [135:02]
Jake the Snake
It's a perfect number.
- [135:03]
Paul Verzi
Holly, looking down a lot, you're very.
- [135:06]
Paul Burzey
Like, this is tough. This is tough, dude. Because Caleb Williams, they're like a fourth quarter team. The Bears are, like, down 15 and they're not out of it ever.
- [135:16]
Bill Burr
Yeah. All right.
- [135:16]
Paul Verzi
Let's not get crazy. Let's not.
- [135:18]
Ad Read Announcer
Let's.
- [135:18]
Paul Verzi
You know, they fucking came back against the Packers. They're also still the goddamn Bears. All right, let's. Let's not, like, you know.
- [135:26]
Bill Burr
Let'S not.
- [135:27]
Paul Burzey
Crown them just yet.
- [135:29]
Paul Verzi
You want to crown them? Chicago Bears were exactly who we thought.
- [135:34]
Paul Burzey
They were, and we let him off the hook. That's. That's. You know what, Bill?
- [135:41]
Bill Burr
20 degrees. Jake's right. It's gonna be very cold.
- [135:44]
Jake the Snake
What time is the game?
- [135:45]
Bill Burr
It's a night game.
- [135:47]
Jake the Snake
Eight degrees in that game with a negative six wind chill.
- [135:51]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [135:52]
Paul Burzey
All right, you ready? I just flipped my mind. I'm gonna do it. I did hear, and I don't know if. I don't know if this is true. I did hear that Matthew Stafford's record under like 40 degrees. It's like 1 and 8. I'm gonna take the. I'm gonna take the home team on this run. Getting. Getting three and a half. Are they getting three? Yeah, the Bears are getting three and a half at home. Soldier Field is going to be so cold and Caleb Williams has now, you know, from what I've seen, he's up for the moment. He's up for the big moment. I'm going to take the Bears getting three and a half against Matthew Stafford and the Rams.
- [136:29]
Bill Burr
Paul, the numbers speak. One and nine in record cold, rainy or snowy games since joining the Rams.
- [136:37]
Jake the Snake
His performance in such conditions shows a.
- [136:39]
Bill Burr
54 and a half percent completion percentage, 14 touchdowns, 11 interceptions, 76 passer ratings and nine.
- [136:48]
Paul Verzi
A lot of. Some of those games he was playing with the Lions and they were terrible teams. Stats like that.
- [136:53]
Bill Burr
I, I know.
- [136:54]
Paul Verzi
I. I understand. Like, what, what is the. The MVP of the league doesn't try when it's cold out.
- [136:59]
Bill Burr
Right.
- [137:00]
Paul Verzi
It's ridiculous. Okay. On paper, the Rams should easily cover this.
- [137:05]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [137:06]
Paul Verzi
With experience with the coaches, where they've been and all that type of stuff. My thing is, it's the playoffs. I believe in the Bears. It's the half a point. It is the half a point. I also, I do feel that the cold weather is better for defense and the fact that they're just putting this on Matthew Stafford, it's harder to catch a ball coming at you. It's like a fucking cinder block. I think that all of that's good for the Bears, plus their home and the halfway point and the half a point. Yeah, I see the. I think the Bears go to the NFC Championship game and then they turn into a pumpkin. That's what I think. That's what I think happens over there.
- [137:46]
Jake the Snake
So you're going.
- [137:47]
Paul Verzi
Bears outright bummed out and they're going to have their hot dog, but then think, well, hey, they got that far. It's going to be like a Patriots thing, you know, like this year. How far can we go? The future's looking bright. So that's my. I'm taking the Bears getting three and a half at home.
- [138:03]
Paul Burzey
All right, so the only one me and Bill agree on is the last game of the weekend, which is fun. There you guys have it. Those are our picks. And. Yeah, I mean, that's it. What do we look at?
- [138:17]
Bill Burr
Just perfect.
- [138:18]
Paul Burzey
Perfect timing, Andrew. Right? What else do we got to do here? What do we gotta.
- [138:21]
Paul Verzi
What do we. Monday nights special. That's what it is, everybody.
- [138:25]
Bill Burr
Jake, you want to hit him with your picks. Jake.
- [138:28]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, I. I think I picked everything Paul picked, except I'm going Rams at the end, so I really like the Bills. That'd be my favorite pick. I really like Seattle. I think just because Paul said it as well. I think the Niners injuries are just going to catch up to them there, and I think they're gonna pull away. And then Houston's defense is just too good. This is the best defense I think I've seen in like, a decade since, like, Legion of Boom. You have to go back to something like that. They're just unstoppable.
- [138:58]
Paul Verzi
Oh, boom. Legion of Boom. How many of those guys tested positive for steroids and nobody gave them shit for fucking cheating? It's such fucking bullshit, dude. They had, like, three players on fucking steroids.
- [139:11]
Paul Burzey
That was German.
- [139:11]
Paul Verzi
Yeah, right into your right butt cheek, you fucking cheeky pieces of shit. But that's fucking stupid stadium. That's, like, designed to make crowd sound even louder. You can get away with in Seattle is why Robinson Cano decided to play there. Oh, shots fired, Paul O. Nobody's paying attention up there. You're halfway to Russia.
- [139:39]
Jake the Snake
Is a toughest game, but I just think I'm taking the better team with the better defense and. And a better offense. But I think the Bears is the blueprint for how you want to build a team. You look at Caleb Williams. He was sacked some crazy amount last year. I don't remember the exact number. Now you look this year, they built up. They beefed up the middle of the O line. They got a new coach in there. That's what the Chargers need to do, other than getting a new coach in there. They need to fix that O lineup. And then you see what happens. This is exactly the blueprint for how to make a deep run in the playoffs. Then the Bears are going to be really good for a long time.
- [140:10]
Paul Verzi
Jake, I'm so happy you don't talk a lot in this podcast because you really know your strength. You make me look like an idiot.
- [140:16]
Jake the Snake
No, you guys are talking about, like, shoring up the pressure on the side. Earlier, you guys had some really good football knowledge. I was like, dang, I didn't think about that.
- [140:24]
Paul Verzi
I love when you give me a little pat on the head.
- [140:25]
Jake the Snake
Thanks, Jake.
- [140:29]
Paul Verzi
You said something 20 minutes ago that kind of made sense. Paulie, where are you going to be? What do you got coming up? Where's Paul Vers? He going to be bringing his five.
- [140:40]
Paul Burzey
Where am I gonna be? Well, actually, you know what, you guys? Oh, yeah, because we're gonna be. We only have two more weeks of this, guys. We'll have two more weeks.
- [140:47]
Bill Burr
We only have two more weeks. I'm not gonna say this.
- [140:48]
Paul Verzi
Paul, don't.
- [140:49]
Bill Burr
Don't talk like that.
- [140:50]
Paul Burzey
Jake. I'm gonna miss that haircut. Jake, I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss the blurry background. I'm gonna. I'm gonna miss the women sneaking out.
- [140:58]
Paul Verzi
Guys, we live vicariously through you, but.
- [141:03]
Paul Burzey
I will tell you, I will tell you a hot ticket going around, okay? Valentine a month, a month away. Valentine's Day weekend. I'm doing five shows in Tampa. I'm running my hour five times at side splitters in Tampa from February 12th to February 14th. Dude, one of the best clubs in the country. So get tickets to that. Tickets are going. I'm told they're gonna sell out. Go to that1 and paulverzee.com for dates. Oh, oh, I'm gonna be in LA. I think I'm doing something at the. Doing something in la. They're trying to get me. It's last minute, so I'm like, hey, can you get me an hour somewhere? But there's a room I think I'm gonna be doing called the Lab at the Improv.
- [141:43]
Bill Burr
I think.
- [141:44]
Paul Burzey
Oh, yeah, the Lab at the Improv. Hollywood Improv. I think I'm gonna run that on February 17, I think. But I'll let you guys know. But by the way, I wanted to talk about this real quick because it's a cool thing.
- [141:54]
Paul Verzi
Paul will look over your picks up at the bar after.
- [141:57]
Paul Burzey
I'm gonna be doing a meet and greet and I'm doing a meet and greet and I'll look at you, your NBA sheet. Dude, did you see the handshake? The handshake of the Bears packers is. Was nuts, dude. Where like, apparently they don't like each other. So, like the, the packers was like really quick the other time. So then this time the, the Chicago guy, he just runs out. Dude doesn't look at him, puts his hand out and just takes it away and runs off. And I asked him in the interview and it was so awesome. He goes, yeah, because we don't like each other. It's like, it's like we don't like them. They don't like us.
- [142:32]
Bill Burr
I'm not gonna.
- [142:33]
Paul Burzey
And it was just so honest. But, I mean, a little shitty sportsmanship. But it was funny, it was fun.
- [142:38]
Paul Verzi
I like that, dude. I. I like that.
- [142:41]
Jake the Snake
I love a rivalry. I mean, you look at that NFC north going forward, you're gonna have Campbell, Jordan, love Williams. Are you know, always are going to bring it to. So that that division is going to be a lot of fun for the next five years or so.
- [142:54]
Bill Burr
It is.
- [142:54]
Paul Verzi
And then the Lions being like, what the. I thought this was our division.
- [143:00]
Jake the Snake
Which is crazy. I didn't even realize they had a force record. They had the same record as the Vikings, but the Vikings swept them. So Lions finished last of the division. Going from the one seat to last. The division is crazy.
- [143:10]
Bill Burr
Not to shift race too. Not to shift gears too much. You guys hear the Royals might have.
- [143:15]
Jake the Snake
Been talking to officials in Nashville?
- [143:19]
Bill Burr
No, they.
- [143:19]
Paul Verzi
They moved the Kansas City Royals.
- [143:22]
Jake the Snake
If I read it right in right. Didn't they move the ballpark in like 10ft or something? They moved like the home run line. I saw that too. I don't know.
- [143:29]
Bill Burr
I don't know that I heard that they. That there was talks that they were.
- [143:33]
Jake the Snake
Taking meetings and just like the teams are just really.
- [143:37]
Paul Burzey
Yeah, no, there's still the Royals, you know.
- [143:40]
Paul Verzi
No.
- [143:43]
Jake the Snake
There'S other Titans. Aren't the Oilers like the Miami Marlins?
- [143:47]
Paul Verzi
Oh, the fact that there's not a team in the NFL called the Oilers. When you look at our foreign policy, it was one of the most accurately named teams out there. How about the Houston False flags.
- [144:03]
Paul Burzey
By the way, how great were the.
- [144:04]
Paul Verzi
Houston Oilers own what we're doing. You help build natural resources.
- [144:10]
Bill Burr
The conglomerates.
- [144:12]
Paul Verzi
The conglomerates. The Tallahassee. We're too big to fails. The Philadelphia pharmaceuticals.
- [144:25]
Bill Burr
It's just a needle.
- [144:26]
Paul Burzey
Just a needle on the helmet. It's a drip coming out of the syringe.
- [144:35]
Paul Verzi
The Orlando opioids. I will say this.
- [144:38]
Bill Burr
I will say this.
- [144:38]
Paul Burzey
The Houston Oilers uniform was. Dude, the Houston Oilers uniform was incredible.
- [144:43]
Bill Burr
Dude.
- [144:44]
Paul Verzi
Fantastic.
- [144:45]
Paul Burzey
Oh, God.
- [144:47]
Paul Verzi
Warren Moon.
- [144:48]
Jake the Snake
They can't just change it back. But they're the Texans now.
- [144:51]
Paul Verzi
Ken Burrow. Dan Pastorini.
- [144:54]
Bill Burr
Mike Barber.
- [144:55]
Paul Verzi
What?
- [144:56]
Paul Burzey
Remember Jeffries?
- [144:56]
Bill Burr
The.
- [144:57]
Paul Burzey
The wide receiver Jeffries?
- [145:00]
Bill Burr
I don't.
- [145:00]
Paul Verzi
Jim Jeffries. No.
- [145:02]
Bill Burr
What was.
- [145:02]
Paul Verzi
God, that kid is talented.
- [145:04]
Paul Burzey
Was it Hayward? Jeffrey. Dude. Yeah, dude, that.
- [145:07]
Paul Verzi
There's a old school black guy named you missed, dude.
- [145:11]
Paul Burzey
Haywood. Oh, my God.
- [145:12]
Paul Verzi
Heywood. That's when there was still white guys with the last name Kowalski. Podcast brother. Hold on.
- [145:24]
Paul Burzey
Here's an old rich man name. Ready? This is a great one. Arthur. Dude, Arthur is if you don't think of. If you don't think of a glass of scotch and a bow tie or whatever.
- [145:38]
Paul Verzi
All right. From a barber shop in the 1800s. Aloysius. That's that dude coming in with the part right down the middle and the curly Cues like that, a little stupid mustache.
- [145:53]
Jake the Snake
That's how they introduce Reggie Miller. Dan Patrick. Every week Dan Patrick interviews and he goes, reggie Aloysius Miller. I don't think that's his real middle name.
- [146:02]
Paul Burzey
Aloysius. Dude, that's nuts.
- [146:06]
Bill Burr
All right, guys.
- [146:07]
Paul Burzey
Well, listen, that's the show. Those are our picks for NFL divisional weekend. Enjoy it. It's going to be good. Dude. Could you imagine a Bears, Texans dude?
- [146:15]
Paul Verzi
By the way, Paul, because we picked three different games, that means one of us is going to be 8 and 2 next week. The other, oh, Billy, win some, lose some, might come back down. If I go 1 and 3, I will be 6 and 4. And that, that's about right about. But Paul, you're a streaky guy and you haven't hit your streaks yet. So if I'm watching this podcast, I'm thinking I gotta go versies too.
- [146:43]
Paul Burzey
Well, we'll see. Man, I don't know. That's a big number seven with the Seahawks. And listen, you're right about the Broncos. Broncos got a really good defense. I'm curious to see Josh Allen go in there. That game is that game.
- [146:53]
Paul Verzi
Well, you got up off the table, you rip the IV out of your head and you're walking down the street street with your ass out the show crushed. You're about ready to commandeer. Somebody give me your sport coats and your jeans and you're going to drive away to a casino. I see it happening, Paul.
- [147:10]
Paul Burzey
What you say, Jake?
- [147:12]
Jake the Snake
I just said the show crushed on Valar weekend and then I called you the verator.
- [147:15]
Paul Burzey
But yeah, well, we'll see, man.
- [147:19]
Bill Burr
It'll be.
- [147:19]
Paul Burzey
It'll be good weekend. And we will see you guys next week for championship weekend for myself and everybody here. We're out of here. We'll see you next week.
- [147:45]
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