Bill Burr (0:01)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 28, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Oh, Billy in the bubble. I have no idea what's going on in the fucking world. All I've been doing is work, work, working. I know the NBA and NHL playoffs are off and running. I know that the Boston Bruins, the Pittsburgh Penguins and the New York Rangers missed the playoffs for the first time in the history of the NHL. I watched a little bit of Montreal Canadiens game last night against the Capitals. Capitals tied it up late, 2 to 2. Then I fell asleep. I watched a little bit of the Celtics. They had a nice back and forth going on with whoever the fuck they were playing. I already forget. Red Sox won big. I'm trying. Like, I have not seen sports since, like February when I started this thing. So I got to get back. I mean, I mean, sports. I mean, come on. That's. That's my identity. Like, if I can't talk intelligently about sports, then who am I as a person? What am I going to talk about? I honestly have not been able to name 99% of the league since my kids were born. It just. It was like. It was a combination of the kids and the. The names in all of sports got so fucking complicated. And I'm talking, like, everything from, like that Key and Peele sketch all the way to these hockey players from Finland. I can't. I. You know, you. Four consonants in the row. I'm done, you know? Or you just leave off the E and you just have an R. It's not er. It's just R. Then I'm like, okay, it's just like sound spelling. I don't give a. I still enjoy the games. The TVs, my goodness, they're clearer than they've ever been. So I've just been. I just been doing that. I have. The only thing I've been keeping up on up on is MotoGP. I missed the race yesterday. I am going to watch it. I did through Instagram, see that Alex Marquez won it, which is good because it couldn't just be Marc Marquez, the whole fucking thing. So that's his second victory. He won in Spain this weekend. And then he also won Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas. So I would think that that puts him well within striking distance because other than that, he was second place every race except for one one. He finished like seventh or eighth. But it's all about The Marquez brothers, man. I don't know if Mark crashed or whatever. I have no idea. But it's, you know, it's cool seeing the younger brother get the better of the older brother. Brother. Can I say brother one more time? So anyway, my family's still in town, which is awesome. Which is why this is going to be an abbreviated podcast. I usually do an hour on Monday and a half hour on Thursday. I'm inverting that this week. Just gonna talk some shit here for another 27 minutes and then I'm gonna go out and be with my family. And then Thursday I'll be fucking lonely, Billy, Staring at a goddamn wall again. By the time that comes around, so be the usual, it'll be the ush. Anyway, I've been listening to some. I've been listening to some really good fucking music lately. What have you downloaded lately, Bill? See, Digital Planets, Blowout Comb. And then I. This guy, Teddy Swims. I've tried everything. I downloaded that album. I really like that. I was listening to this guy, Mike Brandt, who was this big singer in France, but he was from Israel, and he would sing a song in French and I was reading the French comments and there's still people going like, he didn't even know what he was singing. He couldn't even speak French. He didn't even know what he was singing. It's like, yeah, but he still brought this incredible emotion to it. It's not like they didn't translate it before he did. Just give it up, give it up. He was a good looking Israeli guy and he was banging your broads in fucking Paris. And then he killed himself for whatever reason. Depression, I'm guessing. And then swings the Thing, Illinois Jack, Jacket, Jacket, J, A, C, Q, U, E, T. And then Pieces of A Man, Gil Scott Heron. Each one of those albums for different reasons. And you know, and I was also. I was at the Comedy Village doing some stand up the other night on Saturday night, and they were playing some Ja Rule, which I had not heard in a while. And whenever, whenever. That era of hip hop, Ja Rule, fabulous, all of those New York guys. That era where my stand up career was, I was doing these rooms. They used to call them the uptown rooms. That's what the industry called them, the Uptown rooms. It was the black clubs. I was doing a lot of standup in there and I was always hearing that music and it was a really like exciting time in my career because I learned so much doing those rooms. I learned how to like still be myself. Can I, can I Be white as hell from Canton, Massachusetts. And I actually found. Cause, you know, it's kind of like the first time you go anywhere, like, oh, my God, I'm going to Canada. Do I need to do jokes about hockey? You know what I mean? And you get outside yourself, and then you're not doing well, and then you kind of figure out after a while, like, no, I should just do what the fuck I do, and I'll be fine. So the first time I learned that was in those rooms. So whenever I hear those. All of that shit. Cisco, the Thong song. It was that era. All of that music always makes me smile. Nelly. Any of that shit when it comes. Because it was also, you know, a lot of it was. Was, you know, sort of lighter, happier music, even though, you know, it's weird. It was like some of the lyrics, you know, Ja Rule. Every other word. He was talking about murder, right? But, like, the stuff he was rapping over was really like a pop sound. I don't know. Just remember everybody wanted to have the fucking Lincoln Navigator and the Escalade. When that came out, you had to have this giant fucking suv. That was the shit. And all the pretty girls liked you. That's the way it was. Late 90s, early 2000s. So anyway, this is a fucking weird story. This fucking lady creeped me out. I got in the elevator, and it was me and I think two other people and her. So I'm in the back of the elevator, staring straight forward. She's to my right with her back to the wall. You know, she's not in the front of the elevator. She's on the sidewall. And I was standing there, and I heard, like, this bing sound. And then she says to me, she goes, is that you? This fucking creepy smile. And I thought she was talking about the binging sound. So I was like, no, no, no, I don't. My cell phone, you know, doesn't make that noise or whatever. Then she just sort of smiled and rolled her eyes. And then I realized she recognized me and was asking if. If. I don't know. I don't even know if she knows my name. Why don't she just be like, are you Bill Burr? Who says, is that you? With a creepy smile on the. You say, is that you? When you're fucking home alone and you hear somebody coming to your house, it's like, is that you? You know, do I need to defend myself? Who the fuck says that in an elevator? I am so happy it wasn't just me and her. I would have been like, Ah. Like, what the fuck? Who are you? Get away from me. Excuse me. Are you that comedian guy? My favorite one I ever got. What did the guy say? He goes, hey, you're that guy from tv. Yes, I am. I think there's a lot of us. And I just kept going, those ones are funny. You that comedian guy. Hey, I know you. Yeah, all of those. Fine. Is that you? You know what reminded me of. Do you remember Beefus and Butthead? When. When he goes, I see you have braces. I have braces, too. It was like that vibe in an elevator with like, three other fucking people. Anyway, anyway, so, yeah, so I did some standup at the Comedy Village, and I was doing that bit about joining my big gay gym. So I was making fun of it, and there was these two gay guys in the crowd, and they're like, you joined a gay gym? And I was like, no, I didn't. I joined a gym. It didn't say gay gym. It just said a gym. And what does that mean? It's a gay gym. That means you can just start fucking hooking up in there. What if there was a gay Macy's? Would you be having a sword fight over by the fucking polo shirts? What do we. This is a place of business. So I had a good time bringing them around to what I was saying. And then I ended with this. This story about my kids. So it ended up coming around. But it was a really fun show where, you know, people were interactive, yelling out and doing all of that stuff. And, you know, I didn't realize how much I missed that. Just, you know, I don't know, I just got busy and I hadn't done stand up in like a week or something like that. It's just a completely different energy than a crowd that came to see a play. Now, the crowd that comes to see the play, I love that energy, too. But, like, it's a different thing. We do this thing at the end of the show. It ended on Saturday. For two weeks, we do this thing. Broadway cares, and they have us, like, raise money, and they have, like, you know, props from the play that you auction off to the crowd. It's really fun. And every night a different cast member was getting to do it. And Bob Odenkirk was doing the last one, and. And he was fucking murdering. It was like he was doing a standup special. He was killing. And I saw this guy come walk down the aisle, and he was walking super slow, and he was staring right at Bob and then sort of got to his front row seat and then just started talking to Bob as if the two of them were just standing on a street corner. And I immediately, immediately had, like, this fucking like, visceral reaction to this guy. You know, I'm like, there he is. There he is. Every fucking show, every fucking. Watch this. Watch this. This is gonna be all about him. And then he's gonna come downstairs, we're gonna have to meet this fucking guy, and he's gonna like, say all this weirdo shit, right? The narcissist, right? So he ends up like. Like, I don't know. He started talking. So I finally just said. I just go, buddy, I go, this isn't about you. There's an auction going on. And everybody immediately laughed because they saw the guy's behavior. And I said to the crowd, I go, this is one of. In the world. It's called find the narcissist. And it fucking killed. And then two other people outbid the guy. And I can't even tell you, like, how relieved I was having dealt with narcissists when I was growing up, because they always fucking win. The only way to win is you have to walk away from him. But this is like a bidding thing, so he can control. But he ended up tapping him. They. It's like gum on your fucking shoe. You can't get rid of them. You cannot get rid of them. They want to be the center attention. And if they're not the center of attention, then they're going to create some sort of fucking thing where they then become the center of attention. And everybody around the room who doesn't have experience dealing with them just feeds into it. And then they end up being the center of attention. And it's been my whole fucking life. It drives me up the fucking wall. Up the. I want to be the center of attention. No, this isn't your moment. And then they pout, and they huff and puff and do all of this fucking shit. And then somebody invariably goes, is everything okay? And then the attention's back on them again. Drives me fucking insane. And so to watch this guy lose, because I already. I just felt that. I was just going, like, this fucking asshole's gonna win, and he's gonna come downstairs, and I don't know what. I don't know what's gonna. I just tell by his fucking jacket. I don't want to hear it. I just don't want to fucking hear it. Anyway, so fortunately, two really nice people came downstairs, different groups of people, and they were totally cool. Hey, how's it going? Hey, how are you? Thank you so much for your generous donation. You know, human beings, we love the play. Oh, thanks for coming out. You guys brought a great energy. You want to get a picture? Come on, let's get in regular. You know what? When this plays over. When this plays over, just somebody I don't know. I'll have Andrew remind me. I got to tell you, a couple of fucking weirdos that came backstage and start divulging information, and you're just like, hey, man, I don't need to know all this. Do not need to know all this. And we're taking a picture and bye, bye. Thank you. But 99.9% of people have been totally cool. You know, it's just. I don't know, having a narcissist as a fucking president again is. I think that's enough for me. I don't need to fucking be dealing with it in, like, my personal life. I was just thinking the other day, I had this depressing thought, like, we have not had a president that could deliver a speech that wasn't embarrassing since Obama. Do you realize that we had this flim flam guy followed by a guy who should have been in a home? Back to the flim flam guy. I was reading excerpts of this fucking. This fucking interview Trump did with Time magazine, and they were interviewing him and they're going, like, yeah, hey, you said that you were going to end the Russia Ukraine war in one day. And he goes, well, you know, the war's been going on three years. You can't. Yeah, but you said you were going to do that. He goes, I was speaking in jest. He's like, yeah, it's just fucking around. I was saying what I needed to say, man. Right? And then he goes, you know, you guys didn't come at Joe Biden like this. You didn't interview him like this. They go, actually, we did. And he goes, huh? And they go, no, we did. He goes, yeah, I know he did. Terrible. He walked out of the interview like, this guy is, like, mentally ill. Like, how fucked in the head are you that you just admitted that you had no idea that they interviewed him? And to the same guy, not even 15 seconds later, you go, yeah, I know, I know. That thing I just said I didn't know about and said, huh? Now I'm saying I know it. And now I'm just saying he did terrible. I'm not going to make up the fact that he walked out of the interview, which he didn't do. But you got to hand it to the guy that has worked for him, that is somehow work for him. And these people fucking love him. And the more he lies and the more he fucks things up, the more excited they are. I do not get it. I didn't get excitement about Joe Biden. Just I'm excited about Joe Biden. Why? Because he's not Donald Trump. It's like, that's the best we got these last 10 years. And these people that have been in the White House have been terrible for everybody in this fucking country. Unless you're super rich, evidently. But then they're also upset. They're not happy either. The billionaires are not fucking happy. I don't know. It's just the weirdest time. But then I go down the street and I'm just like, hey, how you doing? Other than the. Is that you? Other than that weirdo lady, like, you know, people look cool. Like me and my lovely wife, we went down to. We went down to the East Village. There was a steak and cheese place, cheesesteak, MA guy. I'll forever call it a steak and cheese. It was cheesesteak place that was out of this world. Might have been the best peppers. They had sweet, they had hot, they had all these different kinds of peppers. It was insane. I'm not going to name the place, all right? I am not an influencer. I'm not going to blow up something on a podcast and then have to stand in an even longer line. But it was fantastic. And what was amazing was there was somebody standing in front of me that was at least 7 foot 3, was huge and with the best part, was dressed really stylish. It's like, I mean, I can't imagine how much that cost for those custom clothes. I mean, there's big and tall and then there's seven foot three. And I was looking at the guy like he had to duck down, like his head. I mean, it was like 10 foot ceilings and they had these lights hanging down. The guy had to like duck underneath it. It's unreal. I don't think anybody has really ever done. They do stuff on like giantism, but they don't do something like. I guess if you're north of like 6, 6 or 6 7, you're considered a giant, I think. I don't know. I have no idea. Somebody just told me that I never looked it up. But that's like really interesting to me as far as, like, this is something that I didn't know is that, you know, just because somebody's seven foot three, they don't get like the heart. For a seven foot three person, they, they get the same size heart as a little old lady, you know, or a little old man. And that's the thing, like the, the, what do you call it? The how hard your heart has to work to get the blood, the pressure to get it to your extremities, the tip of your toes and the tip of your fingers. It's, it's a crazy thing where it's like you're in shape and your heart is still working harder. And that's why I believe that, you know, you see, always see a little old lady and a little old man, you know, driving down the street, their head's barely over the steering wheel because they're so small and compact, their heart can kind of fucking cruise. When's the last time you fought a 7 foot, 90 year old? I don't know. It's kind of a morbid thing, but I don't know why I was, it was just something that I read one time. And I always think about that when you see somebody, it's like they have the inconvenience of. Nothing is built for their size. And then they got that in the back of their head going like, you know, this is like. I just feel like if you're that big, you're really aware of your mortality. And then I'm thinking like, well, who the fuck am I? I've been like smoking cigars and I drank like a fish. Like I should be thinking about that, right? Which gets me back to the gym and I want to take a steam, but I can't because there's a bunch of fellas in there. Because that's good for your heart health, right? Anywho, yesterday was 100 days, no cigars. That's the third time I've done this. So someone was saying, all right, so you want to smoke one? You know, Monday? And I was just like, I don't, I don't, because I don't want to go through fucking quitting again. So. But my daughter's just been really good about it. She lets me go for about four or five weeks and she goes, dad, you need to do another hundred days. And then I just say, okay. I'm actually relieved that she does it. So now I'm thinking like, I don't want to fucking do this, so I don't want to get going again. So I'm at least going to go to the end of April, which is Wednesday. And then when I get into May, I feel like the weather's gonna be getting nice here because it keeps going back and forth between really cold and windy to springtime. I don't wanna, I still, I just wanna, I don't, I don't wanna go through that shit again. I gotta get through the play. I'm not gonna be fucking sitting in a park smoking a cigar, coming in smelling like a fucking as. I don't know, I might wait until I go to Italy and then, even then I just feel like the food and the coffee is going to be so good that I don't need to start this up again. Last time I did this, I went like 115 days. So that would be like mid May. I'm going to do that again. I don't need this shit in my life. I don't. All right. Not saying I'll never do it again, but like, I'm not ready to go back just after 100 days. All right. 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Lakers down three games to one. That makes me fucking happy. I really hate how the NBA runs their business. I really hate how it's required that the Lakers have as many stars as humanly possible every year because it's not good for the league because they, because they've just completely abandoned the Charlotte Hornets, the Pelicans and all of these other fucking. The magic. That's who the Celtics are playing. They don't give a fuck about any of those franchises. Which is also what's amazing about the Golden State warriors because they were also on the. Nevermind, you know, part of the NBA's business plan, you know, and teams can rise up, the Bucks, the Warriors, but like this, like this thing that the Lakers, this, that's la, it's Hollywood. They have to have their stars. That fucking trade that the Dallas Mavericks made to get that European kid over there, whatever his fucking name is, it was such bullshit. That was literally the owners being like, this kid's not making us any money in Dallas. Send them to la. Anyways, I am. I did love the peekaboo flop that LeBron James did where he was laying on the ground laying in agony and then he literally peeks like a toddler to see if mommy still cares. Just shameless behavior. I don't understand how you can be built like him, being the all time scoring champion and still do stuff like that. It's like, I don't know, I don't know. You still gotta respect the guy, everything that he's accomplished and everything. But do you need to have that in your game? And then not only that, you know, you're in Hollywood, go take a stunt class, you know what I mean? They'll show you how to fall believably without hurting yourself. Rather than doing the whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa for fucking like fucking 40ft flying into the stands. I swear to God. I mean, part of his highlight reel has to be those flops at this point anyway. I just. There's not. Is it the. Other than the Celtics winning a championship, it's so much fun watching yet another pylon Laker team not do well. But then you have to watch ESPN do this giant segment of. Why don't you think it worked like the way ESPN just gets on their knees and blows the Lakers and the Yankees, you know, like whenever the Yankees win the World Series and they, they go. And all is right in baseball. Like this. The end of this American fairy tale. All is right in baseball. Like these fucking idiots take a streetcar to go to a fucking afternoon game dressed in a suit. All is right in baseball. That, that was fucking. What you going back to Mickey Mantle? That was 70 years ago. How about you write a new fucking script? ESPN or whatever, be honest and just let everybody know that you are rooting for them. Overtly. Yeah, espn. Where is the big scandal? Where is the screaming and yelling about the fucking torpedo? Bats. Where would all. I get it, it's happening in New York, so it doesn't fucking matter. New York, Indianapolis, it's fine. It's all fucking fine. Anyway. All right, that is. That is the abbreviated podcast. I'll do an hour for you guys on Thursday. Promise. Thank you for understanding. And if you don't, I get it, you're probably mad about something else in reality, so I won't take it personally. Or maybe you are mad at me. Maybe you are mad at me and then you can just go, is that you? The next time I'm in a fucking elevator. Jesus Christ. Fucking weirdo. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. All right, Be nice to each other now that I told you to go. Fuck you. Just because you know these fucking billionaires are being cunts and they're pitting each us against each other, all right? I've only been to Arkansas like two or three times in my stand up career. I don't have a fucking single problem with any of you, your fellow Americans, all right? And you should feel the same way about fucking California. And stop buying into this fucking bullshit that these super fucking rich cunts do. You know, I saw a thing the other day that said if billionaires just paid the taxes they owed, no new taxes, if they just paid what the fuck they owed, you could lift everyone up above the poverty line. I'm telling you, if we did that and got this banking system straightened the fuck out. I took my kids out to a greasy spoon, okay? My son got scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. My daughter got pancakes with Nutella or whatever and no, no, I'm sorry. He got avocado toast. I got the bacon and eggs, two lemonades. No coffee and waters. It was 74 bucks. All right? Like I'm lucky enough that I hit the lottery in this business, but I can't imagine if I was a fucking person doing a 9 to 5 having to deal with that shit. You can't do that to people, all right? And that's all because of these banks and these billionaire cunts. Not immigrants, not Red ties, not Blue Ties. We're all on the same team. That's my message. All right, I'll see you.