Monday Morning Podcast | April 13, 2026

Episode: "Golf, Farmers, Squirrels"

Host: Bill Burr
Theme: Riffing on relationship advice, sports, the weirdness of holidays, the Illuminati, and modern society’s problems—plus listener emails on ancient traditions, farmers’ protests, and squirrel warfare.

EPISODE OVERVIEW

Bill delivers the classic Monday Morning experience: ranting stream-of-consciousness comedy, social criticism, sports takes, and tangents driven by listener emails. This week, the episode explores the insanity of traditions (like the Easter Bunny), the masteries and miseries of golf, government overreach, food control conspiracies, and even the (non-existent) ultraviolence between squirrels.

MAIN DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Language Pet Peeves & Phrases That Annoy

• [01:47]–[02:37]
  • Bill riffs about how much he hates the words "apropos" and "that tracks" in conversation.
  • "It’s one of those words when you hear it, you know you’re not gonna like what comes after.” (01:50)

2. Comedy Community: Patrice O’Neal Benefit

• [02:55]–[03:34]
  • Annual Patrice O’Neal comedy benefit plugged—Bill always looks forward to it, loves seeing old friends, but doesn’t want fans traveling too far:

    “Everybody’s working for free that night… I’m not gonna make you fly in from Boca Raton.” (03:24)

3. On Places Getting Ruined by Tourists

• [03:45]–[04:26]
  • Jokes about how great locations turn into "ass places" after being overrun, e.g., South of France in summer:

    “All the French people get the f*ck out of there when my freckled, pasty ass shows up… There’s always some city’s tough guys, people you don’t wanna meet in a dark alley, in every country.” (04:11, 05:01)

4. Serial Killers, Drug Lords & Society’s 'March Madness' of Villains

• [06:09]–[07:50]
  • Imagines a twisted “March Madness” bracket for serial killers and crime lords, lampoons how criminals are glamorized:

    “Serial killers—why do they get famous, and nobody knows their victims’ names? They get turned into sex symbols with like chainsaw c*cks.” (06:26)

5. Tennis Elbow, Man-Spreading, and Gender-Wars Riffs

• [08:00]–[09:07]
  • Bill’s tennis elbow injury leads to a rant about “man-spreading” and “mansplaining”; pokes fun at gender war language.

    “You mean sitting comfortably? We have the plug... I’m not gonna be smashing my junk so you and your 20 bags can sit down.” (08:30)

6. On the Military Draft and Greed of the 'Upper 1%'

• [09:51]–[12:23]
  • Fierce critique of proposed draft registration and the “greed of the upper 1%”—predicts the powerful will scapegoat the masses for never-ending wars:

    “There’s not an army big enough to satisfy the f*cking greed of the upper 1% that doesn’t fight.” (10:00) “You know what they say: those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it… I don’t know, I didn’t pay attention.” (11:55)

7. Golf: Watching, Parenting, and Its Misery

• [13:41]–[18:44]

  • Watches only the last day of The Masters, congratulates Rory McIlroy:

    “Congratulations to Rory McIlroy winning it, back to back… The fact that he won again is just to shut the fuck up [the critics].” (15:58, 16:10)

  • Rants on parenting advice for teaching kids golf:

    “Taking up golf is worse than marrying the wrong person. At least you know marriage will be work; you take up golf, you think it’s gonna be fun… It’s a life of misery and frustration.” (15:27)

  • On sports commentary:

    “Why do athletes take the level of sh*t they do from people who couldn’t hit the side of a house with a beach ball?” (17:21)

  • Mocks the Masters trophy:

    “It’s kind of funny that the trophy is a sport coat… That’s when you know you’re with the ultra rich.” (17:44)

8. Parenting Tales: Kids, Arcades, & Birthday Parties

• [19:17]–[21:12]
  • Shares stories about his son wanting to leave parties except when cake is served. Reminisces about old-school arcades:

    “Dave & Buster’s is like Vegas for eight-year-olds… But I prefer those mom & pop arcades, the kind bookies used to collect from dads at.” (19:55, 20:34)

9. Nostalgia for Sports Commercials and a Critique of Violence

• [21:12]–[23:44]
  • Remembers the “Less Filling/Tastes Great” Miller Lite ads, notes nearly everyone is dead now.
  • Dislikes old hockey/NFL highlights glorifying violence, and discusses CTE/concussion tragedies:

    “I never liked those highlights… It’s not hard to knock someone out jumping in the air… We all know the results: CTE. Owners knew, looked the other way.” (22:41) “They settled for like $700 per player. It’s f*cking gross.” (23:36)

LISTENER EMAILS & DEEP DIVES

A. Easter Bunny & Ancient Traditions

• [36:44]–[41:06]

  • Explores the true roots of the Easter Bunny (Ostara festival). Jokes that comedians mocking “dumb traditions” are just highlighting how we’ve forgotten our past.

    “The best one’s the Tooth Fairy... Because you never see it... You don’t go to the mall to get your picture taken with the Tooth Fairy.” (37:56)

  • Listens to an email about the goddess Ostara:

    “So… collecting colorful eggs every April connects you with your ginger ancestors. Thanks. And go read a book.” (41:05)

B. Irish Farmers’ Protests & Food Conspiracies

• [42:30]–[45:57]

  • Shares a listener’s letter about Irish lawmakers crushing local farmers at the behest of “global interests,” mainstream media spin, and why food control is sinister:

    “They pay farmers to grow wildflowers instead of food… If they can control the food, that’s it. They’ll own everything: the poison food that makes you sick AND the drugs to make you healthy.” (44:05)

  • Bill rails against scapegoating immigrants and misdirecting public anger:

    “Illegal immigrants are not affecting your life… If you can’t afford sh*t, just look up. Those are the people running it.” (44:50)

C. Squirrel Warfare: Fact vs. Folklore

• [46:03]–[49:46]
  • Responds to a listener who grew up hearing that “red squirrels” bite the “nuts” off gray squirrels.
  • Live fact-checks:

    “There is no scientific evidence that gray squirrels bite the testicles off red squirrels… More squirrel folklore.” (48:24)

  • Adds: Red squirrels are scrappier, but gray ones dominate by size.

D. World Economic Forum, Natural Resources, and the 'Illuminati'

• [50:07]–[55:47]

  • Listener email on the WEF, how elites seek to privatize water, soil, and even oxygen.

    “Here’s an excerpt: a speaker explicitly said soil, water, and oxygen shouldn’t be ‘infinitely accessible’—they’re assets.” (51:49) “Let’s create a system that gives the most corrupt, psychotic people control of all natural resources.” (52:16)

  • Riff on people being misdirected by billionaires:

    “Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you ask a billionaire what the problem is, look in the opposite direction.” (53:25)

  • On humanity’s cycles:

    “In the history of the world, there’s always been lunatics who think they can run everything… It always ends with them dead in a bunker or put to death.” (53:52) “Our creator—he just didn’t cook these people long enough. Like, if you cut into Trump, I bet batter would come out.” (55:47)

NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• On Military Conscription & the Elite:

  “There’s not an army big enough to satisfy the f*cking greed of the upper 1% that doesn’t fight in the war.” (10:00)

• On Teaching Kids Golf:

  “Taking up golf is worse than marrying the wrong person... It’s a life of misery and frustration.” (15:27)

• On Easter Bunny Origins:

  “Collecting colorful eggs every April connects you with your ginger ancestors.” (41:05)

• On Media Misguidance:

  “Illegal immigrants are not affecting your fcking life in any negative way. If you can’t afford sht, just look up. Those are the people running it.” (44:50)

• On World Powers and People’s Resistance:

  “In the history of the world, there’s always been these lunatics that think they can somehow run the world... but people don’t want to live like that.” (53:52)

• On Humanity’s Flaws:

  “Our creator... just didn’t cook these people long enough. If you cut into Trump, I bet batter would come out.” (55:47)

• On Comedian’s Destiny:

  “What am I gonna do? I’m a stand up comedian. I’ll just keep making jokes till they get sick of me, and then they’ll throw me in the ground and I’ll just be part of the soil they own.” (58:07)

CLOSING (Parenting, Food & Farewells)

• [58:22]–[60:13]
  • Shout-out to Durham, NC, and Dame’s Chicken and Waffles.
  • Humorous pride in successfully making crepes for his kids:

    “My son was eating it, and said to himself ‘Best breakfast ever.’ I was like, yes.” (59:43)

  • “Alright. I like you guys. I’m on your side. We’re all in this together. Go f*ck yourselves, and I’ll talk to you Thursday.” (60:02)

TIMESTAMPED HIGHLIGHTS

• [01:47] - Language/phrase peeves (“apropos”, “that tracks”)
• [02:55] - Patrice O’Neal Benefit plug
• [03:45] - Rant on tourist-overrun destinations
• [06:09] - Serial killers as “March Madness” brackets
• [09:51] - Critique of proposed military draft and the greed of elites
• [13:41] - Watching/parenting with golf; comparison to marriage misery
• [17:44] - Comedy on trophies for the rich (green jacket)
• [19:17] - Parenting tales: kids at parties, arcades as “Vegas for eight-year-olds”
• [21:12] - Nostalgia for classic beer ads, sports violence/CTE rant
• [36:44] - The Easter Bunny’s ancient origins and corporate traditions
• [42:30] - Irish farmers’ protest against global food control
• [46:03] - The “squirrel warfare” myth busted
• [50:07] - WEF, resource control, and the “Illuminati” riff
• [53:25] - “Ask a billionaire—look in the opposite direction.”
• [55:47] - "Creator didn't cook [elites] long enough" analogy
• [58:22] - Nostalgic shoutout (Durham, crepes), heartwarming parenting moment

FINAL THOUGHTS

This episode blends Bill’s signature rants and rapid-fire social satire with real listener concerns, personal parenting moments, and a through-line of skepticism about those in control—whether it’s the Illuminati, the World Economic Forum, or the people running old sports leagues. Even as he expresses despair, Bill never loses his sardonic humor, inviting listeners to laugh (“Go f*ck yourselves. I’m on your side.”) at the madness—ancient, modern, and ever repeating.