Hockey, Heroine, Grandmother | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-5-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary
Episode: Hockey, Heroine, Grandmother | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-5-25
Release Date: June 5, 2025
Host: All Things Comedy (Bill Byrne)

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Introduction and Personal Updates

The episode kicks off with Bill Byrne checking in with his co-host, sharing personal updates and setting the tone for an engaging and candid conversation.

Notable Quote:
“I just wolfed down a breakfast, so.” [00:16]

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Hockey: Stanley Cup Final Breakdown

A significant portion of the podcast delves into the excitement surrounding the Stanley Cup Final. Bill expresses his initial optimism about Edmonton winning Game One, emphasizing the Panthers' relentless nature and playoff experience.

Key Points:

• Game One Recap: The game ended in a thrilling triple overtime, highlighting both teams' cautious play to avoid mistakes.
• Players Highlighted: Bill specifically mentions Leon Draisaitl’s top performance, attributing the game’s outcome to key plays by Edmonton’s stars.
• Series Predictions: While hopeful for Edmonton to win and see Canada secure the cup, Bill acknowledges his mixed feelings due to his complex emotions towards the Panthers.

Notable Quote:
"I want to see Edmonton win because I want to see Canada get the cup, and I also love those Edmonton teams when I was growing up." [02:26]
"I have too many emotions too close to the surface to root for that team." [06:00]

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Theatre and Broadway Experiences

Bill transitions to discussing his theatrical endeavors, particularly his involvement in "Glengarry Glen Ross." He reflects on the camaraderie with the cast, the challenges of performing, and his enthusiasm for potentially returning to Broadway in the future.

Key Points:

• Final Month of Shows: With only a few weeks left, Bill shares his excitement and the personal growth he's experienced.
• Broadway Challenges: He contrasts his current positive environment with older Broadway venues, criticizing the lack of maintenance in traditional theaters.
• Future Aspirations: Despite nerves, Bill expresses a strong desire to continue acting and potentially balance it with family life.

Notable Quote:
"It's everybody, the people that work with the cast, you know, the union guys, everybody, we're just all vibing and." [06:05]
"I would absolutely love to do it again, but my fear is I kind of… there's no way it's going to be better than this." [06:50]

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Health and Wellness: Massages and Aging

The conversation shifts to health, where Bill shares his recent experience with getting a massage after dealing with tight muscles and physical discomfort from his active lifestyle. He humorously discusses aging and the importance of self-care.

Key Points:

• Massage Experience: After a month without a massage, Bill finally indulges, leading to immediate physical relief.
• Self-Care Tips: He emphasizes the importance of regular stretching, massages, and Epsom salt baths, albeit with his characteristic humor.
• Lifestyle Reflections: Bill touches on his routines and the balance between staying active and managing physical health as he ages.

Notable Quote:
"I have too many... my emotions are still too close to the surface to root for that team." [07:16]
"I finally got my first massage since, I don't know, like a year." [07:55]

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Observations on New York City and Society

Bill offers a satirical commentary on the current state of New York City, highlighting issues like increased drug use, the prevalence of weed consumption, and the changing social dynamics. He reflects on the city's transformation over the years and his personal experiences navigating its streets.

Key Points:

• Urban Changes: Observes the resurgence of old New York issues alongside superficial changes like new theatres.
• Substance Use: Critiques the rampant use of marijuana and its varied consumption methods, expressing concern over societal impacts.
• Cultural Shifts: Discusses the nostalgia for the 90s and contrasts it with present-day realities, including public drug use and changing social behaviors.

Notable Quote:
"I hate people who have fat, flabby arms that wear tank tops." [19:04]
"I really think it's insane at all hours of the day." [11:37]

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Interview with Jerry Seinfeld

A standout segment features Bill recounting his interview with Jerry Seinfeld. He shares his initial anxiety, the interview dynamics, and the invaluable advice he received.

Key Points:

• Interview Dynamics: Bill describes his nervousness and the unexpectedly smooth interaction with Seinfeld.
• Advice Received: Seinfeld advises Bill to "go back to the room" after shows, emphasizing a disciplined approach to post-performance routines.
• Impact on Bill: The advice resonates with Bill, who contemplates implementing stricter personal boundaries and routines.

Notable Quote:
"If you want to look this good in your 60s, go back to the room." [49:43]
"It's how you do your life." [51:12]

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Reflections on Retirement and Podcasting

Bill muses about the concept of retirement, drawing parallels between athletes and entertainers. He expresses uncertainty about when or if he'll retire from podcasting, highlighting his passion for the craft.

Key Points:

• Retirement Thoughts: Discusses the importance of purpose beyond work, inspired by his grandmother's volunteerism.
• Podcasting Future: Doubts the feasibility of retiring from podcasting, given his enduring enthusiasm.
• Legacy Concerns: Humorously contemplates how his podcasts might be analyzed posthumously.

Notable Quote:
"I just wonder if I would ever quit this thing because I just find I don't." [28:19]
"Let somebody be listening to this in the future when I'm already gone." [29:28]

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Personal Stories and Interactions

Throughout the episode, Bill shares various personal anecdotes, including his experiences at comedy festivals, interactions with other comedians like Joe Derosa and Pete Davidson, and candid discussions about his lifestyle choices, including smoking and drinking.

Key Points:

• Clusterfest Experiences: Details performing at Clusterfest in San Francisco, including challenges like playing drums outside in cold weather.
• Cigar Smoking: Opens up about his struggles with smoking and attempts to quit, offering a humorous take on addiction and habit formation.
• Comedy Insights: Reflects on the experiences of performing alongside other comedians and the dynamics of live shows.

Notable Quote:
"I was infuriated. My first thought was, oh great, now I'm going to be uploaded to some quote, I love public pissing.com porn site." [78:27]
"I really couldn't believe I didn't hear one Warrior fan address it." [62:34]

---

Social Commentary and Critiques

Bill doesn't shy away from expressing his opinions on various social issues, including corporate malpractices, the influence of media, and generational changes in behavior and ambition.

Key Points:

• Corporate Critique: Sarcastically condemns companies for prioritizing profits over public health, using Helix and Blue Apron as examples.
• Media Influence: Criticizes how media portrays certain actions and the double standards applied to different societal groups.
• Generational Changes: Observes and critiques the behavior of younger generations, particularly in how they present themselves on social media and in public spaces.

Notable Quote:
"I think the Red Sox had a walk-off home run last night." [19:29]
"These guys should just have a first class one and they should have animal airlines." [74:41]

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Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events

As the podcast wraps up, Bill shares updates on his upcoming appearances, including his return to the Howard Stern Show and attendance at sports events like the NBA Finals. He also responds to listener questions and comments.

Key Points:

• Upcoming Shows: Announces his appearance on Howard Stern and reflects on the significance of returning after many years.
• Final Thoughts: Encourages listeners to engage with his work, support his projects, and continue following his journey.
• Season Highlights: Recaps memorable moments from recent performances and interactions, reinforcing his dedication to his craft.

Notable Quote:
"I'm gonna be on Howard Stern on Wednesday. Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday. My triumphant return." [90:16]
"Love that guy." [13:29]

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Conclusion

The episode is a blend of sports enthusiasm, personal introspection, social critique, and humor. Bill Byrne navigates through various topics with his trademark candidness, offering listeners a comprehensive look into his thoughts and experiences. From the thrill of the Stanley Cup Final to the challenges of maintaining personal health and balancing a career in comedy and acting, this episode encapsulates the multifaceted nature of the host's life and interests.

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Highlighted Quotes:

• “I have too many emotions too close to the surface to root for that team.” [06:00]
• “I hate people who have fat, flabby arms that wear tank tops.” [19:04]
• “I just wander if I would ever quit this thing because I just find I don't.” [28:19]
• “If you want to look this good in your 60s, go back to the room.” [49:43]
• “I've never been able to quit smoking cigarettes.” [70:30]

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

[Bill Burr]

And I'm just checking in, checking in on you. What's going on?

[Unknown Speaker]

How are you?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Billy Freckles. I just wolfed down a breakfast, so.

[Unknown Speaker]

I apologize if my. My stomach rumblings. I didn't eat for like 12 hours. And then I just, I. I made myself my favorite breakfast, which is basically scrambled eggs, cheesy scrambled eggs with chives, burned up bacon and a cup of coffee. No toast, no fucking potatoes, none of that shit. You know, if I had an avocado, slice it up raw on the side, I fan it out like a deck of cards.

[Bill Burr]

You know, I like to treat myself.

[Unknown Speaker]

Every once in a while.

[Bill Burr]

But that's not what I'm here to.

[Unknown Speaker]

Talk to you about. I watched game one of the Stanley cup final last night, put it on in the third. You know, I had the gig last night. Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. So I was able to watch, like, I think I got 10 minutes left in the third period. It was already tied up three to three. I know. Edmonton scored first and then Florida seemed to go ahead and I think they were up 3 to 2. And then Edmondson scored the tie. And then it goes into overtime. And I was like, I got a bad feeling. This is going to be some double overtime fucking thing. And you know, you know, the second they get in overtime, nobody wants to make a mistake. So they play like, you know, really safe hockey. And then it's like they're like triple fucking overtime. Unbelievable. It's triple overtime because everybody's so afraid to make a mistake. Well, somebody finally made a mistake on the Panthers. Was clearing the puck out of his own end and it went to the crowd. Got a delay a game. So Florida had four guys on the ice, obviously, and somebody made an incredible move, like half wall is Jack Edwards would say. And then I think it might have been Mick David. I don't think it was. They passed him, McDavid. And then just a perfect saucer pass over to Leon draisaitl top. Always at top. How do you look at the net? Is it house right? Or is it. Is it stage left.

[Bill Burr]

If you're facing the goal?

[Unknown Speaker]

I was very, very happy because I felt like whoever won game one was gonna win the series. Well, no, I shouldn't say. I feel like if Edmonton's gonna win the series, they had to win game one because the Florida Panthers are absolutely relentless. So you need them to be chasing you. You can't have them out front. They just have too much playoff experience. They got too many guys that have their name on the Cup. I just really thought it was super important for them to win game one. I got to put on the AC. It's like 90 degrees here in the city. You know, they already won the cup last year, and then they added Brad Marcham, who's also relentless, and I just thought it was super important for them to win that Game one. I feel like if Florida wins game one, no way Edmonton beats him. I just don't think they do. I just think they're just too experienced and mean. We were up three games to one against that team, and they came back and beat us. Yeah. So, anyway, congratulations. So I'm sort of torn here. Like, this is the deal. I want to see Edmonton win because I want to see Canada get the cup, and I also love those Edmonton teams when I was growing up. And then I want to see Brad Marchon get his name on the Cup. So either way, whoever wins, I'll be happy. But still, I don't like the Panthers. I just don't. Like. I respect them. I just don't. I don't like him. I still got too many. My emotions are still too close to the surface to root for that team, but I. I do root for Marshawn. He had a goal last night. Of course the guy delivers. So that's where I am with that. And I'm guessing that the NBA Finals. It's the Stanley cup final in the NBA Finals. I think that starts tonight. And I don't know what I'm hearing from people. It's not going to be much of a. Much of a series. I don't know. I don't think that's going to be the case. We'll see. We shall see. And with that, I am in the final month of Glengarry Glen Ross. I can't believe it. This Saturday, I'll only have three weeks of shows left, and we're still having so much fun. And, you know, someday I'll tell you guys some stories. As I've said, I've said before, I can't remember if I already said this on this podcast, because I had to start it and stop it. I can't remember if I told you this, but, yeah, we. There's the show we're giving you, and then there's, at this point, the show we're doing for each other, trying to make each other laugh, and it's been such a great time, and, you know, people keep asking me hey, are you going to do Broadway again? And I would absolutely love to do it, but my fear is I kind of. There's no way it's going to be. It's no way it's going to be better than this because this cast, everybody is just, everybody is cool. And we're all laughing, all hanging out, the camaraderie, the vibe, and it just, it's everybody, the people that work with the cast, you know, the union guys, everybody, we're just all vibing and. And also we're at the Palace Theater, which they raised up, so the dressing rooms are all brand new. And I visited some friends that are working in these old theaters on Broadway and it's like, you know, I got a friend of mine's working in an old moldy theater. There's like mold in the theater, like the level that they treat these performers in some of these theaters, these old ass theaters. And I don't know who the hell owns them. I don't know what the fuck they're doing. But, you know, they could sweep up a little bit, put it that way. So we're in like the newest theater, I feel, in humane conditions and everybody's fucking cool. And it's a quick play and it's like sort of the perfect part for me to play. So I'm kind of nervous about doing it again, but I will definitely do it again. I got the bug and the right thing comes along and enough time in the future or whatever, and I can figure out a better way to do it with my family. I would 100% do it again. Yeah, it's been a. Been a great time.

[Bill Burr]

So anyway, with that and with that.

[Unknown Speaker]

MotoGP comes back this weekend, very excited. It's been a weird couple of races with the rain in France and the restart in England, which is good because it kind of like leveled it out like. Mark Marquez is in striking distance of points with Mark Marquez. Mark Marquez was looking like he was.

[Bill Burr]

Going to win every race.

[Unknown Speaker]

And then all of a sudden, you.

[Bill Burr]

Know, the season starts going and all of a sudden, you know, it's. It's not a done fucking deal there. I took a day for me today.

[Unknown Speaker]

I finally got him. I got my first massage since, I don't know, like a year. And I finally went because I was walking down the street and had to keep stopping and stretching. I felt like my Achilles was going to snap. And I got all the old man shit here. I got. What do you need?

Foam roller.

The little fucking theragun. You want the fucking massage Balls. You want some massage balls? Up against the wall, on the floor.

[Bill Burr]

Lacrosse ball for your cap.

[Unknown Speaker]

I got the whole fucking thing going on, and it's still tight as a drum. So I went and got some work done on me. I feel really good, and I gotta go take the Epsom salt bath. But I gotta tell you, is being an old man, you know, stretching, continuing to work out an Epsom salt bath, and I. I kind of forgot about the massage. You gotta do that, you know? Listen to me. I get one massage, and all of a sudden, I'm giving you guys health tips.

[Bill Burr]

I'm just saying I feel better.

[Unknown Speaker]

I feel better. I had a little.

[Bill Burr]

Little. Little spring in my step going down the goddamn street there.

[Unknown Speaker]

Jesus, this city's getting wild. It's still cool, but it's getting wild. Like, I was hanging with a friend of mine. We're sitting at a coffee shop, and then, like, 10ft down is some guy with his pants down shooting heroin into the outside of his calf. And I was like, wow.

[Bill Burr]

You know, there's a lot of older people out there going like, you know what? The 90s, you missed it.

[Unknown Speaker]

You didn't grow up in the 90s.

[Bill Burr]

The 90s was just the best decade.

[Unknown Speaker]

That took me back to the 90s. That's the.

[Bill Burr]

When people forget, you know, you're just looking. You're just glorifying it. The 90s were not awesome. You were young.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's what it was.

[Bill Burr]

There was people the age you are now in the 90s going, what in the has happened to the world? And they were going like, oh, my God, the 1950s. You missed it. Nobody's missing anything. You're just old now. So that. That was when I first moved to New York City.

[Unknown Speaker]

It was Wu Tang, it was the.

[Bill Burr]

Fugees, it was fucking people nodding off on heroin. And it was Rudy Giuliani coming in, being like, we're gonna fucking make this city. Why. As safe again. Times Square is gonna be corporate white safe again.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, he just whited it up. And, you know, they never did anything about the problems. They just removed the problems. I don't know where all of those people went, but I don't think if, you know, you put a Disney store in Times Square, that person isn't addicted to heroin anymore. I don't know how it works. But anyway, still good coffee. It's definitely still good coffee. Yeah. But, yeah, old New York's coming back. You know, I'm fucking having to step over people coming down my stairs out of the building. You know, people gathering Themselves, People just hanging out. I will say the level of fucking, like weed use in New York City is insane at all hours of the day. And the. All these different ways that you can consume or ingest weed that are odorless, like gummies, oils, putting it into food and all of this stuff. And like, you know, I go to the big gay gym in the morning and then I hit my coffee shop, 10:30, 11, and I walk down the street, 10:30, 11 on a weekday, and I'm smelling weed everywhere, but nobody seems to care because that's just the people smoking it. Forget about somebody that's like micro dosing or doing whatever these fucking things are, you know, I think it's safe to say that weed is very addictive.

[Bill Burr]

Like I would say if you are.

[Unknown Speaker]

Functioning in society and it's 11 in the morning on a Tuesday and you are just smoking weed.

[Bill Burr]

You have some sort of issue, right, for people who smoke weed? No, man, I just took a couple of hits. I get a nice little fucking, you know, then I can kind of deal with my day and, you know, I just kind of, you know, man, you.

[Unknown Speaker]

Know, right, but if you were sitting.

[Bill Burr]

There and you had like those little nips. I think I talked about this last podcast.

[Unknown Speaker]

If you had one of these fucking little nips, people would be checking in on you like, dude, I think you got a problem, man. Hey, there's nothing worry, you know, Nothing.

[Bill Burr]

Wrong with cutting loose on the weekends, having a couple of beers, you know, three, four beer, as that guy in Canada said, you know, one, two drinks a week. Well, what's that going to do for you? You know, I think if you're home by yourself, you know, I think there's nothing wrong with having three, four beer. Sometimes I'll have like five or six beer.

[Unknown Speaker]

Love that guy. So anyway, I got a show coming up at the Beacon Theater, so. Oh, Billy's been going out to the clubs and everything and after my shoes. But I definitely want to watch this NHL series, man, the Stanley Cup Final. I just got a feeling. I just felt like it was Edmonton's time.

So.

But we shall see. We shall see.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, we shall she.

[Unknown Speaker]

Speaking of which, when I was going to my, my massage today, I didn't go to my usual coffee shop. There was one up the street that I wanted to try.

And there was.

Always a line there and everything. And then I went in and it blew my mind, right? There was like coffee. Like they had like a large and small latte, large and small cappuccino. All I see is plastic Cups. And I'm like, this place sucks because that's my thing. I need real glasses and there's only one size. There's no such thing as a large cappuccino. You know, there's no such thing. That is some American shit.

[Bill Burr]

If you go to the fucking coffee shot, they tell you what it is. Everything gets fucking supersized over here.

[Unknown Speaker]

Why is that?

[Bill Burr]

Do you realize how fucked up this country is? This country tries to make its own people sick so it can make money off of them. It's fucking unbelievable. I've seen all of this shit about, like, seed oils and all of this stuff and how they paid off the fucking American Heart association to look the other fucking way so they could point them. Like heart disease was not a fucking problem, according to fucking Instagram.

[Unknown Speaker]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I. You know, I love how Luigi is a fucking terrorist, but these fucking CEOs that poisoned our food supply aren't. They're beyond terrorists. At least the terrorist bombs, what they feel is the fucking enemy. These guys are attacking their own fucking people. But you know what? They're.

[Unknown Speaker]

What?

[Bill Burr]

They got a lot of money and they pay it to the politicians. So they are not murderous, they are not treasonous people. But if you're some regular Joe and you walk up and you take a shot at one of them, all of a sudden, oh, my God, this guy's a terrorist. That's what I learned from that one.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's what I learned on that Luigi story.

[Bill Burr]

It isn't what you do, it's who.

[Unknown Speaker]

You are and who you do it.

[Bill Burr]

To that determines how they define you, which determines whether CNN and Fox News understands what you did and is behind it or are confused.

[Unknown Speaker]

Air quote. Why would somebody do something like this?

[Bill Burr]

Subtext health insurance companies advertise on our network. We don't understand why someone would be motivated.

[Unknown Speaker]

What is the motivation?

[Bill Burr]

Gee, I don't know. Everybody pays in and when it times takes. It's time for them to take care of us, they say to go fuck yourself, and they let you die. I mean, that's a good. That's a good place to start, right?

[Unknown Speaker]

Wouldn't you think? Would you?

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, one show today.

[Unknown Speaker]

7Pm So I got my whole day and I don't have any stress anymore because I. I got the lines down. I finally was able to get a little comfortable where I'm like, dude, this is like your act. You know how it goes. All right? You don't do you sit there and babble your act before you go on stage. It's like. No, I don't. But I also can say whatever the I want, you know, if and when I mess up. But I still, I still think there, there is like, I guess like an element of that. So anyway, this is my last week of being 56 years old, you know, and next week I turned 57, in case you couldn't do the math. And you know what? I'm excited. I'm excited to be 57. 57. Yeah. It just like feels.

[Bill Burr]

Feels great, you know?

[Unknown Speaker]

Don't you love when people, when old people do that shit? Yeah, like 57's like the new 26. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. Lady.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking one piece bathing suit with something.

[Unknown Speaker]

Fucking wrapped around your waist. Please. Thank you.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you.

[Unknown Speaker]

Thank.

[Bill Burr]

That'll be enough.

[Unknown Speaker]

Thank you.

[Bill Burr]

Thank.

[Unknown Speaker]

I get it, I get it.

[Bill Burr]

You can't handle that. You're an old bag now.

[Unknown Speaker]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

I get it.

[Unknown Speaker]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

That doesn't mean we have to look at you in your Bo Derek bathing.

[Unknown Speaker]

Suit saying that you feel fucking good about yourself.

[Bill Burr]

No one wants to see that.

[Unknown Speaker]

You know, you can say a lot of things about me, but I have. I've worn a lot of clothes in my life. I've always had respect that you didn't want to see this.

[Bill Burr]

I keep myself covered up because I'm.

[Unknown Speaker]

A man of the people.

[Bill Burr]

I try to dress respectable. I try to look sharp.

[Unknown Speaker]

You know, I try to be a gentleman. That's it. You know? But walking around wearing a goddamn tank top. These guys out there with their grandmother arms. You know, I hate people who have fat, flabby arms that wear tank tops. And like, like what I'm supposed to believe those are guns. Those aren't gums. Those are two giant scoops of ice cream. Because that's what the you've been eating.

[Bill Burr]

I could squeeze those 24 inch pythons.

[Unknown Speaker]

All the way down to your fucking humerus.

[Bill Burr]

All right, don't even get me started about the fema. I think the Red Sox had a walk off home run last night. You know, when I finish my little.

[Unknown Speaker]

Bullshit in the play and I walk.

Through the.

[Bill Burr]

Sub stage, the subfloor, the floor right underneath with orchestra would usually be.

[Unknown Speaker]

If there was any music in the play.

One of the guys in the crew always has a bunch of baseball on. So that's the only Red Sox that I've seen. And we had a matinee yesterday and I think it was during the matinee. But why would the Red Sox have a day game on a Wednesday? A random Wednesday In June, it must have still been light out. All any. All I know is I just saw Fenway park and what a gorgeous park. I've been to a game there in a couple of years. I gotta get back to that. And I know we're still playing 400 ball, but hopefully we'll get hot before it's too late. I was all excited that the Red Sox spent money this year and we're gonna try to be competitive because I feel like I don't know what they've been doing the last few years, but let's just say it hasn't been working there. All right? And I think that's it. I don't know that I have anything else to tell you. I'm only 21 minutes in now. I mean, the contract that I have in my head that I never signed with you guys is that I have to do a fucking half hour, you know, but usually at this point I can read some sort of advertising, but the way I've been reading ads lately, I don't have any.

[Bill Burr]

When you do it, you do a four minute left turn in the middle.

[Unknown Speaker]

Of some ad reads.

[Bill Burr]

Look at this.

[Unknown Speaker]

I was wrong. I do have. I do have some reads here. All right, what do we got? We got Helix.

[Bill Burr]

Helix.

[Unknown Speaker]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Unknown Speaker]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Unknown Speaker]

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[Bill Burr]

Head to go to checkout squarespace.com brrrr for a trial. Free trial. Sorry. And when you're co. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code Burr burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com burr for free. For free Trial and when you're ready to launch, use Offer Code Burr burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Can't talk today. All right.

[Unknown Speaker]

Anyway, I saw that Marc Maron was gonna end his podcast, the what the fuck Podcast. That is a major moment in the young history of podcasting. One of the most legendary podcasts since the beginning of podcasting.

Right?

Seemed pretty cool idea to me. You know, I'm not saying I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying I love the idea of retiring anything. You know what I Mean, because, you know, as much as it's sad to watch an athlete just keep playing past, you know, when they should have fucking quit. And we all look at it, we all say it's sad, but, you know, you gotta look at your own life sometimes and just be like, why am I still doing this? That happens a lot in my business too, in entertainment. Like, you'll just see. I saw somebody the other day, oh my God. Was advertising some sort of gig they had coming up. And you know, I get it though. Like, if you retire, then, like, what is your. You got it. You have to have a purpose.

[Bill Burr]

Like, if I retired, I would go full Jimmy Carter.

[Unknown Speaker]

You know, I would find. Not saying, I'm gonna swing a hammer and build houses for the homeless, I'm too fucking pasty for that. But I would find some charity to go work for. My grandmother did that. She volunteered at a hospital and she worked at like the, the little cat cafeteria that they had. And it gave her something to do. She still had free time, she still could play cards with her friends, but it gave her a purpose and a. And she lived, she retired in like, I don't know what age, like how people used to retire at like 65. And then she lived to almost be 105.

[Bill Burr]

So she had like over 10,000 hours of volunteer service.

[Unknown Speaker]

You know, she got that like a half hour of time or 40 minutes of time, whatever, however long the lunch was, an hour or so every day. Somebody's gonna do the math on that.

[Bill Burr]

Actually, she did that between the ages, whatever. She had 10,000 hours.

[Unknown Speaker]

I don't know how the fuck she did it. They had some ceremony for. But I always look to her where, like, she played bridge and she did volunteer work and then she also, you know, drove her cars forever. And if there was any sort of ding or scratch in it, she would take it down to the dealership and get it fixed.

Fixed.

So she always had. She had a good looking car, she dressed sharp, she played cards, and she volunteered. That's how you fucking retire. I think nowadays, the way they grind you down to nothing in the corporate world, I think everybody is so fucking burned out that left to their own devices, in five years, they're weed, wine, mushrooms, potato skins and nachos. You like dead within three to five years. Well, that's a sad thought, isn't it?

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, I just want to give Marc Maron a shout out.

[Unknown Speaker]

And the what the Fuck Podcast, the WTF podcast for being one of the OGs in this world. I was lucky enough to be not be on it a couple times. Definitely the end of an era. I wonder if I would ever. At some point, I don't know that I would ever quit this thing because I just find I don't. I don't have a guess, really. You know, I mean, I do, but I don't. If that makes any sense, then I just sort of around. I still. I guess I still like doing it, right?

Yeah.

I don't know. That's just one of those moments where I just. Look, somebody's doing that, and I go, wait, should I be doing that? I never even thought about the end of this thing.

[Bill Burr]

I feel like the end of my podcast.

[Unknown Speaker]

And then when I die, someone is going to collect all of these podcasts and do some sort of psychological breakdown of when I. When I lost it. Just start connecting dots or whatever. Oh, God, the poor bastard that would have to listen to all of these. Oh, you know what?

[Bill Burr]

They could be listening right now.

[Unknown Speaker]

This could be.

[Bill Burr]

Somebody could be listening to this in the future when I'm already gone. Hey, man, just want to say I had a great time, all right? Fight off those fucking robots now.

[Unknown Speaker]

They won't play that in the future.

[Bill Burr]

That will be censored with AI technology. Like that's a fucking asset anyway.

[Unknown Speaker]

I'm gonna drink a lot of water.

[Bill Burr]

That's what you're supposed to do after.

[Unknown Speaker]

You have a fucking massage. And guess what?

[Bill Burr]

Guess what?

[Unknown Speaker]

I still haven't had a fucking cigar. I still not have not have a scar. Although I will tell you, I walked down the street today when I was going to my son. I don't know who had this, the cigar, but I walked by somebody that was smoking a cigar, and I smelled it, and I breathed in like I was in some nature commercial. Like I was breathing in the fresh mountain air, but. Except it was a stogie. Oh, you know, being responsible is awesome in the morning, you know, when you wake up and you're not hungover and you feel good and all of that, but, like, somewhere in the afternoon, the idea of being irresponsible just seems to make more and more sense, you know, I don't know if it's a habit or you just interacted with some human beings and you just start thinking, like, you know, it's three in the afternoon. I don't have to do a play until seven.

[Bill Burr]

Is this the day I try heroin? How long does it last?

[Unknown Speaker]

You got to do it once, right?

Just smoke it.

In your fucking 80s. Then I'd be worried you'd fuck. You know, like junkies never tip over. What about if you're in your 80s? You probably tip over and then you break your hip.

[Bill Burr]

You know that horrible high pitched scream of an old person.

[Unknown Speaker]

You know, sounds like a bird off in the distance.

[Bill Burr]

Is that some sort of bird I can't identify or did somebody 85 just try heroin for the first time and fucking tipped over? All right, well, that is the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Once again, thank you to everybody who.

[Unknown Speaker]

Continues to show up to Glengarry Glen Ross. It's been, it's been a life changing, life changing experience and I am so thankful that I have had it. I am so thankful that I still have another three and a half weeks to be with all of these, what I hope will be lifelong friends that I've met on this and then also to be performing in front of all of these crowds and every night just feeling a different energy. Each crowd has its own like personality or whatever and it's been. I hope it's made me a better actor. I don't know, I've been having so much fun. I don't feel like I've been working. It's just been great. All right, well, that's it. Congratulations to the Oilers. I hope the Pacers Oklahoma City series is more competitive than most people are going to give it credit for. I hope they have an epic seven game series because I'm so sick of these people being like, who the fuck.

[Bill Burr]

Cares about fucking Indiana versus Oklahoma City? You don't care about the two best teams? What's the matter? There's not enough stars? You know you can't handle it because Steph Curry and fucking LeBron and, and whoever else isn't fucking there. Why don't you grow up, should grow up and stop playing favorites like a fucking narcissist parent. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And enjoy the music picked out by.

[Unknown Speaker]

The amazing Andrew Thelis. And then afterwards we have a bonus episode, the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

See you in the afterlife. You could be headed for the serious drive now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay. The afterlife could be at a monastery sight now you make the scene all day but tomorrow they'll be able to pay. The people listen attentively. I mean about future calamity. I used to think the idea was obsolete until I heard the old man stampin his feet. This is a place where eternally fire is applied to the body. Teeth are extruded and burnt are ground and baked into cakes which are passed around after life. You could be headed for the serious drive now. You make the seat all day, but tomorrow.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning podcast for Monday, June 5, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? How was your weekend? It's really not Monday morning at this point. I mean, it's still my Monday morning. It's 20 to 11, but by the time I finish this shit, it's gonna be about noon. Noon.

Saskatoon. See the northern lights.

I just had a fucking amazing weekend.

I want to thank everybody who came.

Out to Clusterfest up in San Francisco, this new comedy festival. I was up there, say, and on Sunday, I had, like, this. I had, like, a Make a Wish weekend. It was crazy. I went up there. Let's see, what did I do? I did the 2 Dope Queen podcast. Then I did. I did the Comedy Jam. Goddamn comedy jam. We were playing outside near City hall, which I called the fucking State Capitol. Anytime I see a dome, I'm like, that's got to be the capital of the state. I mean, why would they spend that.

Much fucking money making something look that impressive?

And all it is is just city hall. You tell me the fucking mayor lives there.

Jesus Christ, I'd love to see the governor. Governor's above the mayor, right?

Is that how it works?

It's like meter maid.

Then it goes mayor, then governor, then state representative, congressman.

Right? And then a senator. And then the moto GP level is you're the fucking. You're the president. All right, who tweets and gets up and storms out of interviews when he doesn't like the questions. The fuck is going on with. You know, I watched this thing on what's His Face, Vladi Dottie. There's Vladimir Putin saying, like, how like.

Anybody who's, like, an opponent of his, they stay. Fucking kill him.

This.

They've had all these weird suicides.

This one guy tied himself to a chair and somehow threw himself into a pool. That one right there is not only getting rid of your enemy, but it's.

Also displaying your level of power.

Because when you're not even trying to.

Hide it like that. Oh, yeah, that was a suicide.

Anyways, and then he's, like, poisoning people and all this. Whenever I watch those.

Whenever I watch stories about people like that. There was this guy. He's gotten poisoned twice. First time, he went into a coma for a week, and he was in the hospital for like a month now. He walks with like a limp. And he went right back to protest and you know, the current regime in Russia. And then he fucking. They poison him again. He goes to the same hospital this time. They realized, you know, with his symptoms going, all right, this guy's probably been poisoned again. So they knew something a little better. So they got him out like a week to 10 days.

I don't know about you guys, the first time I get poisoned and I, and I live, I'm going to say to the cause, listen, guys, I'm passing the torch, okay? I did my part. I'm gonna, I'm gonna start making those furry Russian hats. I'm gonna open a little fucking kiosk down at the local.

People'S mall, whatever.

The fuck it is.

You know, it's funny is everybody thinks Russia's communist, right? Somebody told me that the other day going like that, dude, they haven't been communist for like fucking 25 years. They're like, over here, it's like a small group of people running shit, except.

They, you know, rather than tweeting and.

Walking out on shit, they just kind of poison people.

They're taking it to the next level. I believe the kids say it's turnt up.

But anyways, clusterfest. I just, I went to bed watching that. I started talking about a comedy festival. And then I go over talking about a guy getting poisoned and continuing to do what the fuck if you ever got poisoned doing stand up. That's it.

I'm done.

I'm done. I would just, I would send out a tweet.

To whom?

Whoever poisoned me.

What would you like me to be.

Doing with my life so I can get on with that.

Stock? Stock room at Best Buy. You got it. I'll fucking load and unload flat screen TVs for the rest of my fucking life. To not go into another week long.

Coma and stay in the hospital for.

A goddamn month knowing that there's people out there that not only can poison me, I don't know who the fuck they are.

And when they did it, dude was just sitting there talking to his wife, everything's fine. And out of fucking nowhere he went from feeling. All of a sudden, you know, I feel a little. Is it hot in here?

Boom.

Right into a coma, fucking 20 minutes later.

Continues to fight the good fight.

Man, that's amazing. That's amazing. You know, if there is an afterlife or whatever, I feel like that guy's in the pre checked TSA line, you know, Just goes right through. I saw this little YouTube video on this guy who allegedly had a 200 IQ, and I guess the average person has 100. You get up to about 130, 140. You're a genius. You know, Tesla had a 150, Galileo had a 160. Somebody had a 190, and this guy's got a 200. So he's allegedly the smartest person on the fucking planet, and he lives in the fucking middle of nowhere on a goddamn farm with, like, a couple of yaks and some chickens. Then he met some other super genius woman out of Brooklyn. I don't know if you heard him both talk. I didn't buy it. I didn't buy it for. I don't know, once his wife started talking. And it's just. They never really made him demonstrate how fucking smart he was. He just was talking about what he was doing. He was trying to prove that heaven exists. So right there, that was suspect to me, was just kind of like going, like, all right, this guy is, like, the smartest person ever, and he's like a religious freak, you know, I don't know. That's always a. I haven't found too many smart people that are like, that level into religion. I have found smart people into religion, but they're kind of like, hey, this.

Is what I believe.

You don't believe it.

I get it.

But, you know, it works for me, so I have a nice day as opposed to telling you you're gonna fucking burn forever or some shit. I don't know. Like, I was trying to prove the existence of Heaven. What about hell? Does that exist? I don't fucking know. I'll send a. I'll post it. Is that what I'm supposed to say? I'll post the fucking clip. Anyways, let me get back to clusterfest. I'm fucking talking in circles here. So, yeah, so I landed. I did a private gig, and then I did two Broke Girls. Then I played drums at the goddamn comedy Jam outside the fucking mayor's house in this giant square. There was a couple thousand people there, and I forgot to adjust this one symbol. So every time I bring my stick up this. My. He had, like, the fucking crash symbol. The other drummer had the crash cymbal nick right above it. And I kept hitting it, and I was missing shit. I was fucking up, but I just kept going. It's kind of a learning experience. Like, I fucked up a lot, I thought, and. But I just kept going. And somehow it landed on its feet. And then later on that night, I did a show there. I don't know how many fucking people were there.

It was freezing.

It was the coldest I've ever been doing standup. It was just, like, outside, you know.

For those people who don't live in San Francisco. And I've made this mistake because I.

Took a vacation there a long time ago in July, and I dressed like it was July. San Francisco summer, I believe, is, like, end of September to, like, middle of October. It's really quick. And the rest of the time, it is fucking freezing. So I was in this little fucking trailer in the back, which always cracks me up about this business. You know, you're like, I'm gonna make it someday. I'm gonna be a star.

And you end up in a fucking trailer park for most of your career.

So I'm in this trailer, right?

Not even a double wad. I'm fucking sitting there and, oh, by.

The way, Les Claypool band played across the way before I went up, so I got to hear them play. I couldn't see him play, but I got to meet him briefly. This is my Make a Wish weekend. I just fucking broke out the double pedal, and I've been trying to play Tommy the Cat and that type of shit, which I'm failing miserably at. And here I am meeting the fucking guy that wrote the goddamn song. He was cool as hell. His band sounded amazing. And, yeah, so standing there, and I did a show. It was me, Joe Derosa, and Pete Davidson. And I was sitting in the trailer trying to get warm, you know, learning from the east coast, going, all right, if I'm already cold with my hoodie and my jacket on, I need to take this off and let my body adjust. So when I go out there, when I put the hoodie and jacket on, I'll be all right. That's something you learn as a kid. If you already put all your snow on inside the house and your body adjusts to your temperature in the house with that on, you can then go outside, and you're gonna be freezing cold. I don't know how it works. That's how it works. You got to take your fucking jacket off. So I was doing that, and as I'm doing it, I'm listening to Derosa, and he's murdering, and, like, the laughs he's getting is not opening a show laughs. And he went out there like, no pun intended, cold. There was no nothing. No music. I don't know what the fuck it was. Just, ladies and gentlemen, Joe Derosa. And he walked out to the parking lot where the hell we were performing. And he was getting laughs that were not opener laughs. Then he brought up Pete Davidson, and he's fucking killing just as hard. Both of them absolutely murdered. Whoever was at the show, I know, can back me up on that. And then I went out there, and it was. It was one of the more memorable shows I've had with, like, the. The mayor's house there. They had the dome. It was all lit up in, like, this Celtics green, which was pretty cool. And where they'd sat everybody there were, like, these traffic lights that were telling you to walk or not walk. And I kept. You know, was seeing the sign when they were counting down whether it was safe to walk across the alleged traffic.

That was no longer there. I kept thinking that was, like, the.

End of my set.

It was, like, fucking me up. And whenever the red light came on.

I'm like, does that mean to wrap it up?

I kept, you know, it's a fucking traffic light.

I don't know. Anyways, so I did that.

And then on Sunday, no.

And then I went to a big after party, got to hang out with Derosa, Big J, Nate Bargazi. All these guys, man. Just having a great time. And then the next day, I got to interview Jerry Seinfeld promoting his Comedians in Cars, getting coffee that's going to be out on Netflix. And I can't even tell you how nervous I was to do that, because I was just like, all right, I was joking in the interview going, like, I always feel like I'm one dumb comment away from you just standing up and just walking out of the room and I never see you again. Like, that's the vibe he has. And as I said that, he stood up and just walked out of the.

Starts to walk off the stage.

I was, like, really nervous because I thought that. I don't know, I just thought he was going to give really quick, short answers. And I was just going to be.

Sitting there like Chris Farley when he did that sketch, when he interviewed Paul McCartney. Like, remember when you did Seinfeld?

That was awesome. Like, I thought I was literally gonna be that guy. But within two seconds, I realized, oh, wait, this guy did the Tonight show with Johnny Carson. You know, why wouldn't he come out here and absolutely fucking kill it? If he just sat here giving me quick answers, the thing would go nowhere, and then he would look bad with me. It was amazing. It was one of the most fun things I've gotten to do in my career. And, you know, before I interviewed him for whatever. I. All the. I had all these fucking questions. Like, I was gonna look at my car. I'd never interviewed somebody like that. So I had all these questions. I was gonna ask him, you know, his favorite car of all time, his favorite met of all time, you know, what level dictator would you still be willing to do a private show for? You know what I mean? And I never even had to look at him. I asked a few of those. I think I asked him who his favorite met was. I forget who he said it was someone from, like, the 69 series, but it's probably that guy that dove caught the ball. But before I went and interviewed him, I was looking up, you know, some information about him just so I would have something. I was trying to think, what the fuck can I ask this guy that he's not been asked a million times before? And I just happened to see it says, jerry Seinfeld comments on Kathy Griffin controversy. And they cut to him.

They were just like, jerry, what do you think about the whole Kathy Griffin, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he just goes, it's stupid.

Who cares?

That was it. And I was like, oh, my God, is he going to do that when I interview him? Is it going to be that quick? Thank God. Thank God he didn't.

Thank God he didn't. So it went great. Thank Christ. And then I. The interview ended. I don't know. We would just say, man, that was a lot of fun. That went great. It was awesome. And then he left. And then me and Josh. Adam Myers jumped in a car. Didn't really jump in a car. Jerry jumped in his car. Because he does life right, you know, he gave me some great advice about being on the road. He said when the show's over, he just goes, go back to the room. He goes, go back to the room. And I go, you never just want to go out and have a couple. He goes, go back to the room.

He goes, there's nothing. Nothing good is out there. Just go back to the room.

And do you know, I already knew that. Do you know how many times I've.

Learned that fucking lesson? And he said to me, he goes, if you want to look this Good in your 60s, go back to the room. And he looks fucking great.

So I'm gonna try to do that. How do you go back to the room? You don't go back to the room.

You have no stories.

I'm going to be in Montreal this weekend. How do I go back to the room? One of my favorite cigar bars in.

The Fucking world is there.

How do I go back to the room? But I have to tell you, every time I go back to the room, I'm hating it, right until I get to the elevator. And then I go up in the elevator and I go into the room and I put the TV on. And the second I get into the bed, I'm like, oh, my God, this is awesome. This is fucking great. I don't know why. I just, you know, I think I finished the show. I'm wired, I'm excited, it went well. And then I, you know, I go on the road with friends and they're always, what do you think? Maybe go have a couple, two or three?

And I always say yes.

I always say yes. So anyway, so the show ends. I've learned to go back to the room. I've also learned to have the car service right there. Like Jerry, it was just, just, just like his act. There was no fat on him leaving the stage, going to the dressing room, getting his, and he just walked right out. And I said, I go, yeah, of course.

I go, look at. Look, I. This is how you do your life. The fucking car's ready. My guy's like, I don't know where the fuck he is. And he just laughed and he just got in his car and it was over.

So I usually don't have any sort of a car service. I usually just walk out, okay? So the reason why I have a car service was because I had tickets to go to Game 2 of the NBA finals. My Make a Wish weekend continues.

So my car guy goes, yeah, I'm fucking. Dude, I'm fucking down the street in the car garage. And I go, all right, so we're right here. I told him where we're at, come to the stage door. The dude comes to the stage door on foot and walked us back to the fucking car. The show ended at 3:45. The final started at 5:00. So I'm like, what the fuck, man? So we walked all the way over to this parking garage, got in the elevator, went downstairs. I'm in the parking garage with the crowd. It's the most anti show business thing ever. It's the most anti Elvis left the fucking building. It was fucking pedestrian. It was shameful. I should have had my urine show business card revoked. So we get in the car, we're sitting in the traffic with the fucking crowd to get out of the parking garage. Nothing VIP about it. Complete fucking moron, I am. So we ended up, me and Josh were riding in the car over and.

We'Re just laughing going, dude, we're going to the NBA Finals. Finals, or whatever the fuck you say it. And. And we had a couple of cigars and we said to the guy who turned out to be the greatest driver ever, we were like, dude, is it okay if I don't get the guy in trouble? He may or may not allegedly have let us smoke the cigar in the back of the car. And we ended up getting to the finals and we missed about half of the first quarter. And it was just one of those things like, I can't believe I'm here. And I love that fucking arena. It's gonna be a shame when they leave it.

I'm gonna tell Warrior fans right now, enjoy that arena. Cause your next arena is not going to be that loud. The new ones are never that loud.

Because they build in all of those luxury boxes and everything is just so big and far away from the court. But anyway, so we go to the game and we're watching the game and.

It'S, you know, it's great through about the first two and a half quarters.

And then the worries just start pulling away.

And I gotta tell you, as a fan of sport and competition, that Kevin Durant allowing Kevin Durant to go to the warriors was. That's. Out of all those things. LeBron going to Miami, fucking Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen going to the Celtics, Shaq and Phil Jackson going to the Lakers. This one might be the worst one, because at least like.

Like Shaq and Phil Jackson, that was a bad time.

But still, you still had, like, the spurs, they had Tim Duncan, they had David Robinson. You know, you still had something to compete with. And, you know, the Celtics, when we.

Won, we still had to beat the fucking Lakers. And God knows they always had 9 million fucking free agents.

And even the Heat that first year, they lost to the Mavericks. But this one, it was just like. I'm trying to think of an analogy to compare. Be like if Matt Magic Johnson joined the. The Celtics, or Larry Bird joined the lakers after the 1985 championship, when we.

Lost to him in the Finals, he just joined the Lakers. I gotta.

Yeah, it just felt. It felt dirty when I was watching it. Going like, this just doesn't feel good. It just.

I don't know. I was in an NBA final game and I was actually bored. Which is funny because I. I thought when I was at home, I didn't know what the Warrior fans were chanting when they were saying Warriors, Warriors. I thought they were chanting, boring, boring. I literally thought that that's what they were saying because there was so much. Look at last year's Western Conference finals, that was unbelievable. That seven game series with the Thunder and the Warriors. And then you look at last year's NBA final was fucking amazing. Went seven games and was won in the last second by the Cavaliers. It was incredible basketball. Incredible level of competition. It was amazing. And then, I don't know, I don't understand how the Chris Paul trade was bad for basketball, but Kevin Durant going to the warriors and then just watching.

Them puffing their chests out and punching their fucking chest. And the crowd going crazy as if they don't realize what they're watching. Like, acting as though, like, yeah, man, this year's our year. Last year you beat us. But you know what? We dug down deeper.

No, you didn't.

You didn't. You picked up the best guy that almost fucking beat you last year and added it to your team. It was like, I don't know. Every time they get to within three.

To five points, which I have to tell you, is pretty amazing when you're playing a team they haven't even lost a game yet. They've lost one game since February, and.

They were already playing like that before.

They had Kevin Durant. So I'm not trying to rain on people's parade here or anything, but I really don't have anything to say about the game other than I will. For me, I watch sports to watch competition. I don't watch it to watch a layup. I mean, the fact that they have all of those guys and then they can rotate them out and when their.

LeBron is sitting down, they got another.

Two LeBron still out there. It's just. I don't know, there was a lot.

I don't know, there was a lot of, like.

I just couldn't believe I.

Didn'T hear one Warrior fan address it. You know, at some point, just kind.

Of be like, ugh, yeah, this is kind of.

I mean, any Celtic fans out there? You didn't feel like, dude, what the fuck? That year in 2008, we were like in last place. And then Kevin McHale's in the front office of the Timberwolves and trades away Kevin Garnett for nothing. A former Celtic does that to the Timberwolves. Like, that should have been investigated the same way the Pau Gasol trade, when what's his face, Jerry west was in the front office of the Grizzlies. Yeah, we'll give you Pau Gasol for his fucking brother who's now good.

But he wasn't back then. It's a horrible fucking trade. Those were bad enough, but I think this is the worst one ever. Like, this is. I'm still holding out. I have to root for the Cavaliers. I'm still rooting for the fact that they can somehow, you know, obviously they got to win the next one. Most obvious fucking statement ever. But yeah, I gotta tell you, from about halfway through the third quarter when they started pulling away and then the Cavaliers kept fighting back and they. And they just had. It was. It was ridiculous. It was like. I don't know, I just walked out of there going like, that felt like a fucking regular season game. That didn't feel like, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know how to fuck. Somebody explained to me what, that that's competition. Like, as a Warrior fan, you're going to look at that and just be like, yeah, man, that feels good. And you have to be honest with yourself. Warrior fans. Weren't you guys bitching at LeBron when he went to Miami and he won two down there? Right? Weren't you saying, that's fucking bullshit. It's a pile on team now. Now if you were, you got to say that about your own fucking team. And I didn't hear that once. I just saw everybody fucking walking around thumping their chest like, this was the greatest fucking thing ever. You know what else is funny too, I really think is hilarious is when the little kids come out and they do their dance routines. That aggressive hip hop dancing. It's the funniest shit ever to me, like, what dancing has become. It's like you're literally sitting there. Like when a little kid danced when I was a kid. It was cute, it was adorable. Now you're just sitting there like this. Does this kid want to fight me? I think a 6 year old is squaring off with me. This whole fucking new generation where everybody's just walking around like they're these gods. I don't know what the fuck that is about. These fucking Instagram douchebags who are trying to be inspirational people as they're showing off their fucking abs. Like.

Like they're trying to help you by.

Showing off their beauty and their own success and standing in front of private jets holding up a wad of cash. I just, I, for the fucking life of me, I can't understand why that behavior isn't ridiculed and why it's actually like, aspired to go out and get yours. So get what a bunch of fucking shoes. I don't know. Oh, God, I'm just a crabby old man. I have to tell you, if the.

Cleveland Cavaliers had somehow signed a giant free agent at the level of Kevin.

Durant, then I think this would be.

Probably the greatest NBA Finals ever, because it would be like two hall of Fame fucking teams going at it with each other. And then even if I, you know, I always hated that fucking. You know, I hate the super teams, as you can obviously tell, but at least if you have two of them going at it, then it becomes interesting. Like back in the day when the roided up free agent Red Sox went up against the roided up free agent Yankees. I know it was bad for baseball.

But at least there was.

I don't know, there was another roided up free agency team out there. This is just like. I don't know, I just don't understand how you play a team that has the talent that LeBron has. And it's like child's play because you got this other. This juggernaut you just signed. And I don't know, it was weird.

It was a weird feeling leaving there. So I think I fucking. I don't know, I think that was.

A little too long. I probably talked about it too long, but, like, I was so excited to go to the fucking game. And then you just.

It would have been nice if one.

Warrior fan went like, yeah, you know, it's kind of bullshit, but, you know.

LeBron did it in Miami, so does that kind of make it okay? I mean, hey, you know, that guy touched a kid, so why can't we touch a kid, right? Doesn't. Isn't that how it. Isn't that how it works?

Yeah.

I was joking with Josh. I go, dude, that felt dirty. And then I also have to tell you, I absolutely cannot stand the West Coast. The west coast sports fan.

I just cannot stand them. I did not hear one intelligent thing.

Yelled during the game. I mean, their, Their, their commentary is different reads of. Oh, shit.

Now that's it. Nobody seems to know what's going on. There was one guy behind me going, oh, I never seen the Cavs come out with this lineup. Oh, they're going big. There was a couple of people, but everybody else was just mouth breathers just waiting for the ball to go through the net to be like, oh.

They don't want none of this. Sorry, didn't mean to blow out your ears here.

All right, all right, I'm done whining about that.

But it is, it is. I actually heard this is what. This is a West coast sports fan. I went into the bathroom and somebody yelled out, two championships going on three. And somebody goes, two and a half. We got two and a half. Now, I don't know if he was saying, like, they should have got it called a championship last year, or they're already racking this one up because they already fucking were going to win game two.

I don't know. I don't fucking know. I have no. I have no idea. I hope that that's what that guy was saying.

Do you think I shit on the whole fucking thing long enough? I really didn't think it was going to go that long. I'm already fucking 28 minutes in.

All right, let's do a little bit of advertising here.

Oh, by the way, rest in peace, Blue apron. Blue Apron decided not to continue advertising.

With me because I said, you know, when they were. I was reading the copy, it says.

You know, when you have fresh ingredients, food tastes better. And I was like, really?

[Bill Burr]

Fresh ingredient tastes better.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's the reason they're claiming that they. They.

They stopped wanting to advertise in the podcast.

Not because six weeks ago I read.

That story where they were, you know, going to farmers markets, trying to box.

Out the little man.

You know, I know that's what it was. I know that they just were like.

Well, we can't do it now, or he's going to bring that shit up, that filthy shit that we allegedly did up again. So we're just going to wait, and we're going to wait for him to do one fucking read that we don't.

Like, and then we're going to be out.

Come on, Blue Apron.

How dumb do you think I am, huh?

Stop going down to farm. Farmers markets.

Allegedly.

You know, what do you want? Junk Cougar Mellon camp? Do you have to write another fucking song? Is that what the hell you're going after? All right, here's all.

Here's our old friends. They don't give a shit how I read these.

These.

I like these guys.

[Bill Burr]

This is all zip.

[Unknown Speaker]

All right, anyways, here we go. All right, let's read some questions here for this week. See if I can stop talking about that fucking Golden State thing.

Hey, Bill would love if you would find it.

I would love.

I would love it if you would.

Find it to come back to Sweden.

Malmo gets boring.

There's too few redheads to spend my money on here.

Thank you. All right, I feel like he was vaguely trashing me, yet he likes my comedy. I'm definitely going to be. Be coming back To Sweden. Last time I went through Europe I didn't do the Scandinavians countries. What are the Scandinavian countries, people? Come on. Norway, Sweden, Denmark. I know there's one other one in there. It's not Finland. That's part of the Nordic countries. That also includes Scandinavia. I can't even remember.

It's been so long since I was there. I learned that Scandinavia was like three countries and then those three countries are part of the Nordic countries which included Finland and this little island just north of Great Britain. Right, Isn't it something like that. I will definitely be back and I'll have a brand new hour for you fucking blue eyed blonde haired cunts. And we'll have a great time from.

A lovely French lady. Hey Bill. Hello.

Bonjour. I just wanted to say, I just.

Wanted to send a little message and.

Hopefully have it heard that being a.

Videographer myself, I immensely appreciate the graphic work and details. And F is for family. Oh, thank you. Such a great show on so many levels. That's it. All the best to everyone involved with Bill in general. And of course Bill himself, a French fan. Fan from Paris. Hey, guess what? French lady, femme de la francais, lady of the France of the show is actually the, the animators is Gomont, which is in France. All right. And then of course, you know, then they farm it out to these people. Big jump in Ottawa. That's how it works. But you guys are part of the mix. And what's great about France is if you use French animators, an animation company is you get the government gives a little bit of money and makes it cheaper.

You know, it's a smart thing. It's like a Trump thing.

They trying to bring fucking business, you know, into their country. Like Trump says he wants to do as he walks away from the Paris agreement. It's just a hoax. Climate change, not global warming anymore.

It's climate change.

Just little change in the climate. I saw some lady on TV going like, you know, I just, I think it's good for this country that we do it because we've always been a leader in environmental issues.

[Bill Burr]

Yes, we have been a leader.

[Unknown Speaker]

It up the most as far as I can tell, if I'm to believe what the scientists are saying. Oh, scientists. Their information. Anyways, by the way, thank you to everybody that's been watching season two. The people have been loving it and you know it's a ton of goddamn work. So thank God you guys enjoyed it or have been enjoying it. Please tell more people to watch it. The more people you tell to watch it hopefully the more fans we get and then they'll let us do a season three, you know, and if not, I'll just have all kinds of free time in my life. It's kind of a win win for me either way, people. Either I get to continue working with these great people doing this great show.

Or I'm gonna become a hell of a drummer.

All right, well, thank you so much. And I can't wait to get back to France at some point. Just gotta wait till the little one gets a little bit bigger. We're actually.

You know what I want to do? I was talking this to Nia. I want to get like some sort of fucking, you know, French person over here, right, that can, you know, help make my daughter smart. Because she's got to learn from somebody I know it ain't gonna be me. And she also teaches her French and teaches us all French.

How great would that be, my little cutie pie? Be over in France speak being fluent, huh? How cute would that be? You know, she's sitting up by herself now. It's fucking amazing. She has this look on her face. She's like proud of herself. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's just the best. I'm telling you, it's the best. There's no material in having a kid. There really isn't, other than your fear that something bad's going to happen to him. But I feel like that's been fucking done to death, you know what I mean? Other than that, it's just. It's been fucking phenomenal. Okay. F is for family. Hey, Bill, I'm a big fan of your work in from Puerto Rico. Oh, I hope you hope to see you perform someday here. I watched the second season of Efforts for Family and is great. Even better than the first one. Completely hilarious. Well, take care and keep the good work. Keep up the good work. How, how would that work? You know, Puerto Rico is like not a state, but it's one of those. Yet another place that we kind of just decided was ours. If I go on stage there, do.

I don't know.

I went on stage in Singapore.

I didn't get caned. I sure I'll be all right in Puerto Rico. I'd love to go there.

Bring my wife. She can go to the beach, you know, I'll be there with all the lovely ladies, all those JLo's walking around. I think that would be that I could, I could definitely be talked into that. I go over there and tell My jokes. All right. Can't stop smoking cigarettes. All right. Get job on. New season. Get job on. The new season of F is for family. I'm halfway through, and it's hilarious. I've been smoking for seven years now. I'm 22, and I can't stop smoking. It's really starting to affect my health, and I'm sick of it. I quit boozing and smoking weed, but I've never been able to quit smoking cigarettes. All right, and what the fuck? How do I help you do this? I tried to replace it with weed, but it just makes me want to smoke a cigarette after. Alcohol gives me cravings, too. You used to smoke cigars, so maybe you've got some good tips. I still smoke cigars to help me quit. By the way, you should come to Minneapolis soon and play a show. Check out the new Viking Stadium. It's amazing.

Let's see you guys. Yeah, the Twin Stadium is amazing. You guys are doing all right up there, as is the Wilds.

The last time I went to.

I went to a. What do you got up there? The Timberwolves game. Kevin Garnett was still there, and you played in the Target center, and that was a shithole.

All right, well, they say quitting cigarettes.

Is as hard as quitting heroin, so, I don't know. I would try to get professional help. I am so happy I never started doing that. And, you know, I don't. I, like, I used to smoke cigars, like, you know, once every, like, four days or something like that. Now I smoke them, like, once every two weeks, sometimes three weeks, and I really don't have the craving to do it. I kind of wait for, like, the right time to do it. Like riding in a car to go over to the NBA Finals. That felt like, yeah, this is a cigar moment. But the way I was doing it before, it was just like fucking, you know, every goddamn couple of days. Like, you know, having a humidor and all that type of stuff. You can really just. I don't know. I. I still think I smoke too many of them. And I don't eat right when I'm on the road, and I drink too much when I'm on the road, and it's something I have. Personally, I have to stop doing that.

I.

And you know what it is?

It's really.

I find it's just developing. I know people say this, but it's just developing new habits. Like, you know, if you're eating food, you crave food. If you're eating salads and good stuff. You crave that. And I don't know, I'm a creature habit. And if it's just like every night, you know, we're going out, we're having drinks after the show. It just because it just your body's like, oh, now we do this. It's in like this routine. So you kind of have to force yourself to break up your routine. And I think you just have to make a decision that you're going to be stronger than it, you know, unless you have like some sort of, you know, super addictive like personality like those people and you got to go into the Dr. Drew house or some like that. I mean, I don't know what your deal is, but I would definitely, I would seek professional help.

All right. VIP airline. Hey, Bill, that airline with the hot air hostesses exist. It only flies between Paris and New York. Oh, I was talking about a VIP airline. We don't have to go on with people that are going to take their.

Shoes off and put their feet up.

Over the goddamn, you know, stick in between your fucking.

What do they do? They stick them between the fucking armrests and that type of thing. Just those goddamn animals. They should just have a first class one and they should have animal airlines and then fucking raised right airlines.

So he's saying there is a VIP airline, but it only flies between Paris and New York.

It's only business class.

They give you iPads, feed you chef made food and plenty of good French wine. The tickets aren't even that expensive. Treat Nia to a holiday best from France. Well, what's the name of the fucking airline? You got to give me the name of the airline, dude.

Ah, now I gotta look it up. Oh, hey, I gotta tell you, I.

Gotta look it up.

You know, I got time to do this. Will my Internet even work? Scam that that is. All right. VIP airline. New York to Paris.

Come on, what do you say? American Airlines New York to Paris flights Air France the companion Discover Paris with unique all business class airline. I found it. It's LA C O M P A G N I E dot com.

1800 bucks. Dude, you said it was a thousand. I want to see some pictures here.

Plan your trip to Paris. Oh, wow, okay, I'm impressed with their little terminal there.

My compani. No, dude, I live in la. I live in la, so I'm not gonna fucking connect through New York.

I'm just gonna say, fuck it, use.

All my miles and jump on a plane, okay? Forever in New York. That'd be a nice thing to do.

Maybe If I'm doing a gig in New York, then afterwards we can just go fly out of there. It's a good idea.

God damn it, that's a good idea.

Who knows?

Me. I'll ask the wife about that one. You know what I mean? You know how that works? Oh, that was a question I wanted to ask Jerry. I forgot to do.

I wanted to ask him, dude, can.

You just come home with the new Porsche, or do you have to clear it with your wife? You know, can you get to a. Like, can you just look at her and be like, dude, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. You know, look around your house. Do you like this?

[Bill Burr]

This, this.

[Unknown Speaker]

This. Echo, echo.

All right.

Heart surgeon busted for filming me taking a piss.

What?

Dear Billy, double take tits. What the.

[Bill Burr]

That means.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's hilarious. I heard this story on your podcast last week.

This phone keeps vibrating. This whole podcast, the phone fart. What the fuck is all of this stuff? Oh, Jesus Christ.

All right, here we go.

I heard the story on your podcast last week about the Oxford student stabbing her boyfriend in the leg with a butter knife and how she was let off easy despite her psychotic actions.

I have a similar story that involved.

Myself a little while ago.

I'm a musician and was playing a solo gig near some markets in. In the popular, popular part of Brisbane.

Where the. Is that. I've been there. Oh, that's Australia. Australia.

That was the next thing. Literally said comma and went to the next page.

It's fucking hilarious.

During one of my breaks, I went to take a leak in the public amenities. I was doing my business in one of the stalls when suddenly I noticed an iPhone slowly coming over the top of my stall stall to my left. I could only see half of the phone, but could tell the camera was going. Obviously it took me by surprise, and for about two seconds, my head went through does not compute mode. I was only halfway through taking a piss. I said, what the? Out loud when I heard the stall next to mine opened very quickly. I looked behind me and saw a short, possibly Asian guy running. I tried to stop mid piss, very difficult. Adjusted myself, quickly ran and ran out after him, only to find hundreds of people walking through the markets. I couldn't see him anywhere. I was infuriated. It was infuriating. My first thought was, oh, great, now I'm going to be uploaded to some quote, I love public pissing.com porn site. I was really fucking pissed off. No pun intended from this guy, evidently, but kind of glad I didn't catch him because I probably Would have dragged him by the balls to the police and then they would charge me for assault. I don't think you would. Because it's a guy to guy physical confrontation and on his phone there would be your dick. Anyways, a few days later I was telling my friend what had happened and he said that he heard about an Asian German national being caught filming seven men in the public toilets in the same area. And he found the article online. So it turns out this, this 26 year old guy is a trainee heart surgeon on holiday in Australia celebrating his graduation from medical school. Here's the article.

What the fuck?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Well, at least he doesn't work on somebody's fucking urinary tract. I mean he's, he's, he's, he at least had enough discipline to be like, listen, I can't be near the dick area. I don't trust myself. So he's up by the fucking hot. Okay, this, this article is slowly but surely opening.

What, what is the. What is going on in the world?

The judge went easy on him and didn't record a conviction because of his promising career. What the f. I guess if you're a doctor, you can get away with anything. What the fuck? So just because you're an elite student in this world, you get let off easy for doing really fucked up things. Apparently none of the other men filmed were aware of what he was doing. So I called the police in the area he was caught. They asked me to describe what I was wearing at the time, blah blah, blah, and said the phone was confiscated and the footage was deleted. I fucking hope so. They also act that was him saying that I just gave it a great read so it sounded like me if I could pat myself on the back. They also asked if I wanted to press charges. I said, fuck yes. The cop I spoke to said he would pay the pervert a visit very soon to lay the charges as the guy was due to leave the country in two days. I called back on the day he was supposed to leave the country, but the cops said they won't be pressing charges because they had already been laid by the arresting officer and that the student had received a conviction even though the article said he hadn't. Weird. But apparently he will never be able to enter Australia again for the rest of his life. I just think it's so fucked up that these people can get away with such disgraceful actions. Especially someone like this Hartford surgeon who could potentially be playing with some poor guy's balls as he lays under the anesthetic. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Well, they kind of have the guy in check because heart surgery, you need other people. Oh, here's a guy, German, Taurus lady.

Tran was fined 800 bucks.

Sounds like about $100 a d. After pleading guilty to several seven counts. Oh, seven counts seven and 800. He's. I don't know, about 115. Yeah, about 115 bucks a whack or something like that. 112 bucks. I don't know. Counts of recording in breach of privacy. A trainee, heart surgery. Okay, this guy, 26, a German national. Jesus Christ. Even fucking Asians. If they go to Germany, they become sex perverts. I thought it was just the Germans. What is it with that country? They just into the peeing and the shitting. What the fuck is going on over there? So he's fined 800 bucks. That's a pleading guilty to the Brisbane magistrate on Saturday on seven counts of recording in breach of privacy. The court heard Lee had been in Australia for a month to celebrate his recent graduation from medical school. When he was. When he filmed the naked men. On Friday, Lee filmed seven men in the space of three hours by holding his iPhone over the wall of the neighboring cubicle. None of the men realized they were being filmed, but his behavior drew the attention of south bank security, who contacted police. Lee was arrested. The police found the video of the men on his phone. Acting magistrate, blah, blah, describe his actions as disgusting. Disgusting. The offenses are disgusting. The offenses are disgusting. Offenses involving a serious breach of the privacy of other adult males. I can only assume the offending was for sexual gratification purposes. Lee's lawyer, Kate MacArthur, said her client had been accepted into cardiology unit in Germany and would fly home on January 12th. He has a very promising career ahead.

Of him, she said.

She said her client was ashamed of his actions, but asking that a conviction not be recorded against him because it could jeopardize his career and ability to travel. Mr. Shubert Find Lee $800 and did not record a conviction.

Wow, man. You know, that's fucked up. That's really fucked up. That's really fucked up.

And am I crazy to think that because these. These actions are against men, you know, something happens to a guy, it's just not as serious, I don't think. You know, I just think that's.

I don't know either. People are like, ah, you know, they think it's funny.

Like, if this is the thing, if a woman told another woman, that's some woman.

I guess was filming. They'd be like, what the. Am I back? No, wait. Maybe because it was a woman, though.

But last week was a woman. She had.

She stabbed a guy with a knife.

Maybe it isn't any of these issues. Maybe it's just if you're. Listen, if you want to get away with shit and you don't want to be a banker or be in an insurance company, then I would say get into. Have a promising medical career in front of you. Evidently, that just absolves you of everything. That's really upsetting.

All right, let's.

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That's it.

It's a fucking wrap. All right, all right. So what do we got here? What do I got left to talk about? Oh, how about the fucking Nashville Predators making it a series winning game three. What I hope the Cavaliers do what I still believe the Cavaliers can do, despite the fact I'm not gonna get back into that again.

The Predators win game three. I saw a little bit of it.

I was working that night and I actually saw when they went ahead two.

One and then three one. Was that the game?

I can't remember.

So here we go.

I mean, from what I've heard, they've been outplaying the Penguins at at least two out of the three games. So maybe they'll tie it up and maybe someone like myself will get what I want, which is a nice seven game series, a nice classic. So that game's tonight. I will definitely be watching. And this week, this week.

Oh, Billy Redface.

I'm gonna be on Howard Steve Stern on Wednesday.

Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday. My triumphant return. I've not been on that show since, I believe, 2003. I did it twice in one month. I thought I was an in guy and I never got another invite. So I'm finally coming back, you know, I'm psyched, psyched to finally come back onto the show. So please listen on Wednesday. And that's it. That's the podcast. Thank you for listening. And really, man, no joke. Thank you to everybody who's been watching.

F is for family, telling people about it, and then also taking the time to let me know how much you're enjoying it. It's just, it's.

It's really been one of the great.

Weeks of my life, I have to be honest with you.

So no jokes or anything.

Thank you guys for watching it. Please continue to tell people about it. And because we already have, we know.

What we want to do in season three. We just have to wait for Netflix to give us the green light. And they give us the green light by you guys watching it and talking.

About it online, which you guys are doing. So I can't thank you enough.

And. And that's it. Thank you to everybody at Cluster Fest. I had a great time. Thank you to the city of San Francisco. Thank you to the warriors for still playing in the Oracle, you know, great fucking old. Oh, you know what's funny? When I did that Seinfeld interview, I jokingly said that this, this venue feels like an old ABA arena. And evidently the old San Francisco warriors used to play there. So I felt pretty good about calling that one. All right, Bill, you're overstaying. You're welcome. Okay. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. And that's it. Let's go, Cavs.

[Bill Burr]

Come on, man.

[Unknown Speaker]

If you beat the fucking warriors with all their accoutrements that they added all of that fucking juggernaut of a goddamn team walking around thumping themselves in the chest as if what they're doing. I've said this for ever, and I'll say the last time. When you were a little kid on the playground and you were choosing up teams, even little kids knew when it was getting to, when it was.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

This is not going to be.

There's no competition here. Even as kids, you knew this.

The warriors are doing right now, they're doing something that even children know are wrong. Even children would break that up.

You know, I really think it is. I think Stern left the NBA.

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe he would have stepped in. Who knows? I always thought that that guy was shady. I do know this. Without a doubt, Cleveland's going to win a fucking game. Because the NBA does not make money as nearly as much money on a four game series versus five, six, seven. So at some point I'm looking for.

Them to fucking just start calling everything on the Warriors. But then again, I am a fucking conspiracy theory fucking freak.

I don't know. I still feel like the Cavs have not played their best game yet. All right, I'm gonna say they're gonna win game three. Fuck it. I'm putting it out there.

All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll see you on Thursday.

Money.

We find my top skill and brain but all the things you try to hide Will be revealed on the other.

Side.

Now the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I Or lose your face, lose your name Then give it advice to Dublin D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the D and the I O, N Lose your face, lose your name Then give it a call to Dublin.