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Monday Morning Podcast
Homeless Freedom, Sandy Kofax, Old People | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-30-25
02:39:16
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- [00:00]
Bill Burr
Arc raiders everybody. Thank you to Embark studios bringing us their new game Arc Raiders. A multiplayer extraction adventure video game set.
- [00:10]
Paul Verze
In a lethal future earth.
- [00:11]
Bill Burr
Explore an immersive post apocalyptic world scarred.
- [00:15]
Paul Verze
By conflict and reclaimed by nature.
- [00:18]
Bill Burr
A living surface where weather, enemies and shifting conditions heighten the constant threat of Arkansas communities are forced below ground to survive. Jesus, this is amazing.
- [00:31]
Paul Verze
Scavenge survive thrive in a new extraction adventure Arc Raiders.
- [00:36]
Bill Burr
Available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series.
- [00:39]
Paul Verze
X S and PC rated T for team.
- [00:45]
Bill Burr
Hey, how the you doing? What's going on?
- [00:48]
Jim Norton
It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Ooh, I'm checking in on you from a parking garage, dude. I'm underground under this building. Kid knocking this out bunch of to.
- [01:08]
Bill Burr
Do just like you. Just like you.
- [01:10]
Jim Norton
I got a full day of none of which I want to do.
- [01:16]
Bill Burr
How does that happen?
- [01:17]
Jim Norton
How does that happen to your life? Like, you just wake up, you know, it's your day, it's your day, but then there's just a bunch of shit.
- [01:25]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, you don't want to do it. I don't.
- [01:27]
Bill Burr
You look at your schedule like, I.
- [01:29]
Jim Norton
Don'T want to do any of this shit. I got something every goddamn slot of the fuck. I don't want to do this. You know, and then one day you.
- [01:41]
Bill Burr
Wake up and you say, you know something?
- [01:44]
Jim Norton
I'm only gonna do the shit that I want to do. Cuz these days, these days belong to me. And that is when you become homeless.
- [01:56]
Bill Burr
They're the only people in the world that are out there doing whatever the.
- [02:00]
Jim Norton
Fuck it is they want to do every day. They want to fuck. I'm going to go to sleep right here on the fucking sidewalk. I'm going to take a nice four hour fucking nap from right about now until whenever the fuck I wake up. That's the thing, you know, they're always.
- [02:15]
Bill Burr
Doing these benefits for homeless people and they talk about all of this stuff.
- [02:20]
Jim Norton
That they're going through and we should.
- [02:21]
Bill Burr
All feel bad but you know, very.
- [02:24]
Jim Norton
Quietly, you know, hiding in plain sight. They are living. They're totally in control of their lives. You know what I mean? If we could just stop buying into the belief that having a house with a bunch of shit in it is some sort of like success, you know what I mean? Oh, Jesus. Oh my God. She just pulled in and opened a car door right near that fucking curb. And that was not her fault. That fucking curb. Because it's on like a slope like the, like the. The parking spot was on a slope. And do you know what? She doesn't give a fuck. That's another great thing about women. There's a great bunch of great things about women, but one of the greatest things about them is they can open their car door into something and it has no effect on their day. They just make that oof face. And that's it. That's. That's all the emotion they got for that. I'd be like, oh, what the fuck, Bill, you fucking idiot? Or why is this curb this much higher? Like, it's literally like twice the size it would normally be. She pulled in and she'd like, you know, the level. She just opened that door to that curb. If she kicked me in the chest like that, I would go back three steps before I fucking get gathered myself. And it barely registered. Happy as a fucking clam with her clam, you know? So I think we've learned something here. You know, homeless people, like, I think I'm done doing benefits for them. Think I don't want to take a nap right now.
- [03:56]
Bill Burr
You look at you.
- [04:00]
Jim Norton
Here's one thing doctors never say to homeless people. You know, you need to get more vitamin D. You got plenty of sun, buddy. Is that what you get from.
- [04:12]
Bill Burr
From the Sun?
- [04:15]
Jim Norton
Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden sun, please.
- [04:19]
Bill Burr
Shine down on my encampment.
- [04:23]
Jim Norton
That is one of the things, you know, I was watching the. The world serious there, as Bugs Bunny used to say. And how about those fucking motherfucking Toronto.
- [04:32]
Bill Burr
Blue Jays they got?
- [04:33]
Jim Norton
Donnie Baseball one game away. Don Mattingly, last night's game, first pitch of the game right there, Fred Boom.
- [04:44]
Bill Burr
Left field bleaches right.
- [04:48]
Jim Norton
And then who comes up next?
- [04:50]
Bill Burr
Who comes up next?
- [04:51]
Jim Norton
Vladimir Jr. Right, Guerrero Jr. Second pitch, he sees right into the goddamn seats. Three pitches, it's already two to nothing. But then it just stayed that way for a while. And I thought there was a chance the Dodgers were gonna claw back in. And then the Blue Jays just had one of those fucking innings and the Dodgers actually, you know, a lot of pass balls let up. It's kind of weird like that, that, that 18 inning game, like some of the worst base runnings I've seen. Like people trying to stretch a double into a triple or try to go to first to third on a single, to right. Just getting gunned down, third baseman, waving people around there. And dude, they were big.
- [05:35]
Bill Burr
Perfect throw, perfect throw.
- [05:36]
Jim Norton
And the catcher then had to go thousand one, thousand two before the guy even got to the plate. That was a strange game. But Anyway, they came back, they won both games, and now they're going back for Game 6. And that, that wizard, that Japanese kid is going to be on the mound for the Dodgers. He has six different pitches. Somebody was saying, like, you know, if he had, you know, if you just have three pitches, he can dominate a game. This guy has six different pitches and they all come from the exact same place when he throws it. I mean, what are you supposed to do with that? I think he's gonna, I think that kid's gonna throw a gem and it goes to game seven. And then everybody's just gonna be, I, I, if you even, if you even like scratch your ear as a pitcher, they're gonna take you out of the, they're just, they're just gonna bring everybody in. Everybody's throwing, everybody's gonna be throwing. Kershaw is going to get in the whole thing. It's going to be a seven game classic. That is my, that is my prediction. And you know what? We're all gonna sit there and watch it in our houses with our dishes and our fucking cable, whatever the fuck you have. And then meanwhile, there's just gonna be like, homeless people just walking around living their best life, doing whatever the fuck they want to do. You know what's another great thing about fucking being homeless? Day drinking, day drinking. No one to answer to. You know, you don't have to sign a prenup to hang out with another homeless person. This is what we're going to do, people. You know, it's a really negative time out there. We're going to spin everything positive today. Upsides. Upside of being homeless, okay? No refinancing, no mortgage, no interest, no nothing. You think those fucking guys are going to get the real id? You think when people get microchipped that fucking homeless people.
- [07:49]
Bill Burr
All of those people.
- [07:50]
Jim Norton
That you drive by and you feel better than and you tell them to get a fight. That's a movie right there. Everybody gets microchipped except for the homeless people. And then the homeless people all get together to save the society they don't want to participate in, have some big speech. You know, they may have homes, but.
- [08:18]
Bill Burr
We have freedom, right?
- [08:19]
Jim Norton
Bring Mel Gibson back running down a exit ramp instead of over a hill. I love, like, like whenever they show, like, whenever they do a movie about, like homeless people and stuff like that, for some reason it's, it's always very like, you know, I don't know, it's very like Braveheart. Like, they always have people like, you know, with like clubs and all of this type of shit. And just like, yeah, okay, there's people down there swinging two by fours. Absolutely. There's definitely pallets of wood on fire. But there's also some Air Jordans, there's some uptowns.
- [08:59]
Bill Burr
They're not clean, but, you know, not get crazy.
- [09:02]
Jim Norton
People aren't down there wearing the fucking ankle high sandals and having a Captain America shield, okay? They're homeless. They're not from the fucking middle ages, okay?
- [09:14]
Bill Burr
And you know, as much as Hollywood.
- [09:18]
Jim Norton
Is out there fucking with the images of different races and sexualities and all that, nobody ever seems to stand up for the homeless. How come every homeless person looks like they're an escape from New York? In a Hollywood movie? Haven't you ever seen somebody begging, going, like, that guy must be like newly homeless because he is dressed like he almost has an apartment. You get free cable. Free cable. Looking over people eating on a sidewalk, just staring at the TV behind the bar. There's another upside of being homeless. You don't get any spam. Nobody asking you to vote for something.
- [10:07]
Bill Burr
Do you think they give a fuck.
- [10:10]
Jim Norton
If this orange headed flim flam guy giving gingers a bad name gets a third fucking term? They don't give a fuck. Alligator. Alcatraz. Would that. That's like you and I going down to Margaritaville. And I actually think homeless people, the only people that could jump into that water and the alligators would leave them alone. You know what I mean? You know, like, you know, like animals just know like they don't drink out of stagnant water. They're not eating a homeless person, okay? That's. That's street meat to them. They're not fucking with that shit. They want fine dining. Somebody that was yanked out of a home with children crying.
- [10:56]
Paul Verze
That's.
- [10:57]
Jim Norton
That's what they want to eat. Fucking world we're living in.
- [10:59]
Bill Burr
All right?
- [11:01]
Jim Norton
Another upside of being a homeless person. Like most, like all the homeless people in Florida, you never hear any of them getting eaten by an alligator. Who always gets eaten by an alligator. Some kid jumped out of a car running from the cops, right? Nice brand new pair of fucking sneakers on, just gets fucking eaten. Homeless people never. You know, it is about homeless people and alligators. There's an understanding, you know what I mean? Like, you ever see like the alligator when he just sits there and he's floating on the water and he's got birds in his mouth, cleaning his teeth.
- [11:37]
Bill Burr
And he never eats the birds? There's.
- [11:39]
Jim Norton
There is a. There's an understanding. I don't Want to get a toothache. So I'm gonna let you do. I'm gonna let you do what you do. Shout out to anybody who owns a G wagon how that doesn't tip over. Look at this guy backing up. He's got the nice pipes on it. He's looking at his phone at the.
- [12:00]
Bill Burr
Same time.
- [12:02]
Jim Norton
He'S putting his music on. He's probably gonna talk to me because he's looked at me like three times. I can't tell if this is gonna be a. Can you give me directions? Or I like, it's going to be one of the two. And then across the way, you just got a guy getting into a late 2000s Prius. And you know what all three of.
- [12:28]
Bill Burr
Us have in common?
- [12:29]
Jim Norton
We're not homeless. We're not homeless. And I know that that guy who just pulled in is going in to go do some shit he doesn't want to do. This guy who just pulled out in his Prius just got done doing some shit he didn't want to do on his way to More he doesn't want to do. And this is his moment. This is his moment. He's in the car, he's going to put the song on he wants to listen to. He's going to fantasize that he's in the band. That chick who broke his heart comes back to him and sucks his dick. I mean, who can't relate to that, you know? Can't a homeless person, because he's living or she's living their best life. If you had to be homeless, like, what vehicle would you pick?
- [13:16]
Bill Burr
You know what I mean?
- [13:17]
Jim Norton
You wouldn't want a G wagon, first of all. You couldn't. That's too much panhandling. You know, I would say a station wagon, but you want the back windows tinted. So when you take your nap during the day, because as a homeless person, you sleep during the day. You sleep during the day because at night it becomes Thunderdome. Okay, sun goes down, two by four comes out. That's how it works. Sun comes up, everybody stands down. Just like the birds and the alligators. There's. There, there is an understanding. I think that that's what the theme of this podcast is today, having an understanding. There is an understanding. There is an understanding that when a fat guy is a baseball fan, he's not gonna buy a jersey that fits, okay? He's just gonna buy one that he never buttons. He's gonna wear it like a jacket, you know, because they don't mass produce the Cecil Fielder sized jersey you Got to get that custom ordered, right? And if you have the money for that, you're sitting in the box seats. And if you have money for box seats, you're not wearing a jersey. You're wearing. You're wearing like some sort of ele. Like Brooks Brothers. You know that. That white guys wear that. Just like. Never questioned. Just never questioned their position, you know, like Dockers. Is this what we're doing it? Dockers, no loafers. Let's do it. Join. Join a. Join a country club. Absolutely. Hey, how you hitting them? Oh, yeah, yeah. You're probably picking your head up and they just. Just unexamined, you know, but with a mortgage, as opposed to a homeless guy who just live an unexamined life with no mortgage. That mean that's basically.
- [15:17]
Bill Burr
Those are your.
- [15:17]
Jim Norton
Essentially your two options as a person. You can live an unexamined life with a mortgage or an unexamined life without a mortgage. Guess what homeless people don't know about? The Great Barrier Reef is dying. They don't know a fucking thing about it. They don't give a shit. You told a fucking homeless guy, do you want to sign this petition to save the Great Barrier Reef? All he's doing is looking at the clipboard going, I could burn that and stay warm tonight. I swear to God, if one more comedian asked me to do a benefit for the goddamn homeless, I swear to God, I'm going to. I'm going to hand them a list of the upsides. You want me to do a benefit for someone without a mortgage? I just had to redo my kitchen because I bought a house. That was a flip. And. And the second it's done, I come back to my house in a pipe burst and water goes all over everything I just had put in. And I'm doing a benefit for somebody. He doesn't have a house.
- [16:37]
Bill Burr
Hey, congratulations. Congratulations.
- [16:43]
Jim Norton
You don't have a house. That means you don't have neighbors, you know property lines. You don't have property taxes. You know, the roach guy isn't coming around to spray cancer in your yard just to make sure you get sick. How come they don't look into that, huh? How come people don't get up in arms about that? I know I've learned a lot over the last month, okay? Sell them arms, sell them cheesecake. Do not tell them jokes. Got it? I got my. I got my mind right, boss? I got my. Do not bring people together, make them fat, or give them something to blow other people up with. And God damn it, you're in good Standing you in good standing.
- [17:30]
Bill Burr
With the.
- [17:31]
Jim Norton
People that air quote care. Anyway, speaking of that, I'm putting together some dates before I forget how to do stand up. But I've been having. I've been having a good time now. It was giving me. I'm not, I'm not having a good time taking this time off. All my demons are coming back, you know, all my demons are coming back. And all I'm looking is at is fucking homeless people going, you know what?
- [17:59]
Bill Burr
Doesn't look so bad. Doesn't look so fucking bad.
- [18:03]
Jim Norton
What do we got here? This is some sort of station wagon next to me gonna say, that's a Volvo. You know what it is? Nice champagne colored Volvo. Not too big, not too small.
- [18:18]
Bill Burr
You know what that car says? Says, but you know what?
- [18:22]
Jim Norton
I think it is gonna be okay. I think everything is gonna be all right. I just got my truck back from getting serviced. I was driving it, right, and it just kept making this rattling noise. It sounded like there was a lug nut inside of the hubcap. And I couldn't. I talking to. Talking guys about that. Turns out the part of this, not the steering linkage, not the steering assembly, part of literally down by the wheel when you. Maybe it is part of that. I don't know what it is. I got on the truck and he showed it to me and my truck has never, I think it has always needed that. Like the pin came out and you know there's still bolts and stuff, but it was definitely rattling, it was loose or whatever. So they did one on both sides. They had this great mechanic and you know they don't make this stuff. He said the pin is being machined. So these guys, they're, they're, they're artists. And this my truck, I swear to God right now is, is a fucking daily driver. It's as old, it's older than I am. I was born in June of 68. This truck was made in March of 68 according to the VIN number. And I got the dry ice cleaning underneath it. So the underneath of the truck looks brand new. Everything is just fucking up to date. And they've done such a great job that I can actually say this out loud like anybody who owns an old car. You never say how great it's running because then that, that's a wrap. But I can actually say with full confidence that this truck is running fantastic. All right, I got some bullshit I got to do for the next hour and then I'm gonna do the final 10 minutes of this. Okay. But I, you Know, I want you guys. You stop giving homeless people money. The next time a homeless person asks you for money, I want you to stop and be like, what do you need money for, you lucky son of a bitch? You think I don't want to sit down right now with my dog with the sign? Guess what? I got something. You have. And it's not an apartment or a house. It's called bills. I'm running on a wheel right now, and you're sitting there with your goddamn toes on the sidewalk. Tell you what, I'll give you some money if you just admit that it's not all bad being homeless. Nice 72 degree day. Somebody gave you a 20. You got a bacon, egg, and cheese. You're sitting on a park bench and you're watching everybody scurrying around in the Matrix, and you're eating that fucking bacon, egg and cheese and your little cartner oj and you feel like a God every once in a while. I don't know. All right, I'll be back. Okay? And I am back. Geez, what a day. Jesus Christ, what a fucking day. Anyway, let's.
- [21:39]
Bill Burr
Let's get.
- [21:40]
Jim Norton
What the was I even talking about? You know what's funny is I went. I went into my thing, and that girl who opened the fucking door into the curb was in the building, and she was talking super loud on her phone, and her mother told her to stop three times, and she finally got up and walked out into the hall. It was fucking hilarious. Anyway, so I'm watching the Dodger game last night, and who do I see sitting fucking ringside? Sandy Koufax.
- [22:10]
Paul Verze
Who?
- [22:10]
Jim Norton
I told you guys this a long time ago. I was at Caesar's palace, and Pete Rose, the late, great Pete Rose was signing pictures. I'm looking at him right now. There was these two pictures. I'll tell you what he wrote. It's the 75 and 76 series, and both of them have him diving head first without a helmet into third base. 1975, I said, One, he's playing the Red Sox when he's playing the Yankees. So he wrote, billy, I'm sorry. Pete Rose, 1975, World Series MVP. And I remember when I asked him to write I'm sorry, he looked at me like his eyes got like, you know, all competitive. And he goes. I go, can you write I'm sorry? And he looks at me and he goes, I'm not. I go, I know. I go, dude, it's a joke. It's a joke. And then with the Yankees, one in 76 he wrote, Bill, you're welcome, Pete Rose. 1976 World Series, Yankees 0, Reds 4, sweep, four games tonight. Cuz. I said, yeah, you came back and you beat him in 76. He was like, swept our asses. So anyway, I asked him, me and my friend, we asked him who was the toughest guy he ever faced. And he goes, why don't you guess? So we, you know, we guessed all the guys from his era, all the power pitchers, you know, Drysdale, Gibson and so forth. And he was like, nope. And he said, sandy Koufax. And we said, really? And he said, yeah. And he imitated the ball coming in from the right and coming in from the left, dropping off the table. So anyway, so I'm watching this guy.
- [23:46]
Bill Burr
And.
- [23:50]
Jim Norton
I'm thinking, jesus Christ, you know, this is what I hate about smartphones. I'm watching the game and all of a sudden I'm going, like, how old is this guy? I look it up, he's either 90 or he's gonna be 90. And then I was thinking like, well, shit, how many people are alive from the 55 Brooklyn Dodgers? He's the only guy left. Have they ever asked an older person, what is that like?
- [24:15]
Bill Burr
You know what I mean? Because you got that thing where you.
- [24:17]
Jim Norton
Know, when you're younger, you want to live forever. And then I've seen this with a few old people that I've known. They, when they. When you outlive all your friends, like.
- [24:30]
Bill Burr
Anytime, like, you see these people, like.
- [24:32]
Jim Norton
On the news and they're like a hundred something years old. Like everyone in their high school graduating class is dead. How fucked up is that? That's got to be like such a weird. Just a weird feeling, you know, to.
- [24:55]
Bill Burr
Be just picturing all it's already like, becoming now. Like I'm watching, you know, I watch a lot of old movies and when I was growing up, you'd watch a.
- [25:03]
Jim Norton
Black and white movie and there'd be some dead people in it. Now I'm watching color movies and like, half the cast is gone because, you know, they've had color movies my whole fucking life.
- [25:15]
Bill Burr
And I'm just like.
- [25:18]
Jim Norton
I'm like, why the fuck am I doing this? This is depressing. I'm watching the World Series.
- [25:21]
Bill Burr
It's a great.
- [25:22]
Jim Norton
Well, I'll tell you what Cindy Koufax doesn't do, is probably think about that every goddamn day. And that's why he made it to 90. I don't know. Anyway, I don't think I have any reads this week or this Thursday. I don't But I'm gonna be putting together, be doing some more like warm up shows or just sort of keeping my. Keeping my, you know, act where it needs to be through the holiday season there. And then, then I go and then old Billy's back to touring. Touring the States or wherever the I'm going to be anyway. Gonna have to take a old man nap here.
- [26:08]
Bill Burr
Yawning here.
- [26:09]
Jim Norton
All right, that is the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you guys all have a great weekend. You can't. And I will check in on you. I know I will see you. I will talk to you. I'll help you through getting through the 45 minutes on an elliptical on Monday. All right, I'll see you.
- [26:32]
Bill Burr
Is this on? Is this. All right, here we go. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Monday, yes. October. What's today? The 28th. 29th. The 30th. It's going to be the 30th. This is my first live one ever. I'm sitting on, at the very best, a very metrosexual couch. This looks like a lot of guys blew other guys on this thing. This is sort of the reverse W Hotel. The way they have this thing like the W Hotel, it just looks like everything's been jizzed on and that a bunch of YOLO douches had a threesome there or something. This looks like. Is there like a gay chain of hotels that just caters to gay people? You know? See, this is why this is gonna be weird with the live crowd. Cause to me, that was no big deal. Everybody got real quiet there. Like that was a problem. Is he trashing gay people? Is he saying that there should be segregated hotels? No, I am not. Okay. I'm just saying that it would be nice if you could separate them from the general population in the hotels. Okay? That's what I'm running on. I'm going to out hate Trump and fucking whenever the next stupid election is going to be. I'm going to out hate him. I'm just going to start calling him a pussy and I'm just going to fucking. I'm going to hate even more than him. Then I'm going to get elected and then I'll tear down whatever part of the wall he made, which I know is a hot button issue here in Arizona. Oh, yeah, they should have the wall. Oh, they shouldn't. Yeah. That's what I would run on a platform. I would run on a platform that gay people should have their own hotels. I'm so sick of walking into lobbies, seeing men holding hands with other men, and just started off on something bizarre like that, just so I can watch my opponent going, wait a minute. I never even thought about hating this. You know? Why won't Hillary Clinton go away? Why can't she just understand that nobody likes her? She's just fucking hanging around. Just like that fucking kid who just shows up like, nobody tell her there's a party and then she shows up, you know. You know what happened with her? No one ever poured blood on her at a fucking prom. That's what they should have done to finally fucking get rid of her, you know? She just keeps hanging around like she's a winner, you know? Did Jim Kelly hang around after losing four fucking Super Bowls? He didn't. He fucking disappeared. And every once in a while, an NFL crew finds the fucking guy and goes, hey, Jim, let's talk about your career.
- [29:13]
Paul Verze
Yeah, I don't wanna.
- [29:14]
Bill Burr
I really don't wanna. I did have a great career, but all you wanna dwell on is the negative.
- [29:22]
Jim Norton
Oh, my God.
- [29:22]
Bill Burr
She's just. She's just. She tries, you know? She's gonna fucking. She's gonna take volume. You still can't hear it? What? Louder.
- [29:35]
Paul Verze
All right.
- [29:35]
Bill Burr
This was the dumbest for you guys listening at home, who can hear this totally fine. There's like 500 people staring at me right now, bitching that they can't hear it. So I'm holding a microphone with a yellow windscreen and a little fucking lapel mic, all right? As far as I can tell, only the foreigners, for some reason, can't fucking hear me. Everybody has some sort of Australian accent. Louder. Sing out, people. Foreigners coming in. What the fuck did you come here for? To tell us how fucked up our country is? I love when people come here and they start bitching about this country. It's just like that. I don't do that when I go to Australia. Talk about how fucked up your country is, that only around the edges is it livable. It's fucking unbelievable. If you can't see the ocean, you're just completely. You're in no man's land. No man's land. 200 of the most poisonous fucking snakes ever. Do I say that when I go to Australia? No, I don't. I just go, oh, look at the surf. Oh, my God, it's gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. Look at that sad tan guy blowing into that giant horn. I bet he used to own this view way back in the day. I bet his ancestors did. What is the call on that? You know what I mean? I never understand. Like, when I was in fucking Canada, the rule was.
- [30:56]
Jim Norton
What did they say?
- [30:57]
Bill Burr
Like I called them the.
- [30:59]
Jim Norton
The natives. The natives of Canada. And they got all fucking offended.
- [31:03]
Bill Burr
They said we're called the originals. The original everything with Canada. The original six, the original people, you know what I mean? The original recipe of whatever fucking syrup they're trying to sell you. You know what I mean?
- [31:20]
Jim Norton
Everybody loves Canada.
- [31:21]
Bill Burr
Like they're a bunch of friendly people. They're not.
- [31:23]
Jim Norton
They're all a bunch of fucking racist, sticky people.
- [31:27]
Bill Burr
And they're in a bad mood from yanking that SAP out of the fucking trees. And then what do they do? They kick all the indigenous people all the way up north, you know, to give them a perimeter between them and the polar bears. That's what happened, you know. You ever see any of these big Hollywood types talking about them Meryl Stre? You know, I don't know why I picked her. I'm still pissed at her that she said the martial arts are not the arts. Oh, really? What would you know about that? Oh, I get it. You wear a wig and you pretend to be other people. By all means, let me listen to you about social issues.
- [32:00]
Jim Norton
You get in your fucking goddamn car to go back to your gated community.
- [32:05]
Bill Burr
When does she ever see minorities, huh? When she's looks into the front seat of whoever's driving? By all means, Meryl, tell me what society is like from behind your gated community. Somebody told me today that there's legislation right now going through. I don't know, where does it go? Through the government. Right now I'm thinking of Schoolhouse Rock songs, right? I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill. And then it's off to the White House where there's something, something, and then it comes back to a bunch of white men and they vote to see if it will be a low. How I hope and pray. Normally I wouldn't sing in public, but I feel like I'm in my bedroom. I have plush furniture like this in my bedroom. Look at that one with the fucking overhang. Sorry, did this go out? Again with the sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry to each and every one of you, especially the millennials. I'm sure you're fucking heard about it and you're going to hashtag some sort of.
- [33:13]
Paul Verze
Me too.
- [33:14]
Bill Burr
Me too. I couldn't hear either.
- [33:16]
Paul Verze
Me too.
- [33:17]
Bill Burr
Me too. I also had something bad happen. Hey, here's something you can say in this Country. Three fucking meals a day.
- [33:27]
Paul Verze
Me too.
- [33:28]
Bill Burr
Me too. First world country. Me too. Flat screen tv. Me too. Everybody dwelling on the negative. These fucking feminists, man. I swear to God, I want to go to one of their events and just get up to that microphone and just be like, excuse me, is there anything good about being a woman at any point during your day? Are you like, thank God I'm a woman, or I would have had to step in that muddy. That mud puddle, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to take my fucking coat off. You know, I have a little more respect for these feminists when they care a little bit more about guys jackets, you know, it's always a fucking issue that they care about, you know? And in the 70s, we were forced to wear clogs, and a lot of our mothers blew out their ACLs. Who gives a shit? I'll listen to a feminist, but not if she's white. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, I won't. Okay, at the end of the day, you're a white woman in the United States of America. What is the problem, huh? Did someone take away your for the afternoon? Did they shut down the fucking trolley down at the mall? What. What is happening in your world? No, seriously. All right, look, if you live in some honey Boo Boo lifestyle, right, you're living off the Appalachian. Somebody got rickets and Lyme disease, right? Husband never wear a shirt, you know what I mean? He just wears that long underwear with the trap drawer behind the back, you know what I mean? You know, he's going out when he puts on his best overalls, right?
- [35:11]
Jim Norton
Those guys have it, right?
- [35:12]
Bill Burr
Those guys know how to live out there. If you truly want to get along with the woman, you got to live right off the Appalachian Trail, you know? You got to be off the grid.
- [35:22]
Jim Norton
And you just have to have no television, okay?
- [35:24]
Bill Burr
And then you can slap her around all you want and she's never gonna know. This is just how it is, you know what I mean? If you have a dirt floor, like, taking a beating is not the big. It just seems like part of your life. It's like seamless. The worst thing we ever did for women is linoleum and, like, wall to wall carpet. Then we lost all of our power. Yeah, you've seen it. When Twitter first came out, women were just hashtagging whatever you say. And now somebody's gonna take a snippet of that and put it on a fucking news show. And then I'm gonna get in Trouble. Are you trying to say that women deserve to be beaten on dirt floors? And at that point, you just gotta go with it.
- [36:16]
Paul Verze
Just be like, yes, and I'm running.
- [36:18]
Bill Burr
For president in fucking 2020. And don't even get me started with the gays in the hotels. That's right. You run the most hateful fucking campaign ever. You don't wear the Confederate flag, but all of your suits, if you look quickly, have all the colors of it, right? And then in the end, you just totally flip. Flipped the whole thing. You flipped the whole thing.
- [36:45]
Jim Norton
You have an openly gay guy as a fucking, like, sitcom level gay, you.
- [36:50]
Bill Burr
Know what I mean? Not like real gay, like TV gay. You know what I mean? TV gay. It's kind of like when you watch wrestling, how they enhance their personalities. That's what they do with gay people on tv. They gotta just go fucking through the roof with the sass, you know what I mean? Rather than just having it coming out surprisingly, every once in a while. I don't know what I'm talking about. It feels like.
- [37:18]
Jim Norton
What does this feel like?
- [37:19]
Bill Burr
How long have I been doing up here? Oh, 10 minutes and 48 seconds. There you go. This is my world. This is my life. This is what I do. This couch is not. This couch just feels like it was made out of old coats, like a couple old tarps or some shit like that. I hate how it's trying to be placed plush. This was considered, like, right here. This was considered fancy in the 70s. If I could just get this lapel mic up here. This. This anytime there was a button that was sunk all the way in it to try to make this look plush, you know, even though it feels like week old bread that you're laying on. Honey, all I want is a. This is what I literally have to do. I have to put the mic down here. It just won't clip on in any fucking area. That is acceptable. Now the people at home can't hear it, probably because I clipped it onto the. This is like the biggest lapel ever.
- [38:16]
Jim Norton
There we go.
- [38:16]
Bill Burr
Jesus. It's gonna get Bumblebee thought it's supposed to be, like, barely noticeable, isn't it? All right, you know what? I don't give a fuck. Let's. Let's read about some. Let's look up some Phoenix news here. Phoenix news, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see what's going on in greater Phoenix. You know what this show is reminding me of. Do you guys remember when Cheers went off the air and Jay Leno tried to do it live? And the whole cast got shit faced. Do you remember that? And he had nobody to talk to. Fuck it. We'll do it live. All right, let's look up Phoenix news. All right, what do we got here? All right, update. Woman critically injured in west Phoenix shooting has died. Let's see. Woman shot killed in Phoenix early Saturday morning. Standard debt. Standard. Okay. Homeless man beats CVS worker for sunblock. That's a new one. Suspect is designed is described as looking like if Che Guevara fucked a lizard. Phoenix police arrest suspect in deadly shooting. What is going on out here? Stolen truck from Phoenix captured on speed. Why don't they have anything nice? Phoenix wedding invitation designers must serve lgbt. Oh, Arizona, here we go. They don't like Martin Luther King. They don't like the gays.
- [39:54]
Paul Verze
Oh, Jesus.
- [39:56]
Bill Burr
Oh, the goddamn gays. What are they gonna do? They gonna walk around and enjoy themselves. Get back in the house where God wants you. Phoenix woman 21 accused of abusing 3 year old boy. See ladies, it goes both ways. Women also beat men. Let's read that one. This is always uplifting, huh? I don't know why this. There it is. All right, there we go. Okay. Phoenix woman, 21, accused of abusing a 3 year old boy. All right, my first question as a juror be like, well, what did the kid do? You know what I mean? Can the kid walk? Is it big enough to make a fist? You know what I mean? There's no excuse to hit a woman. So if this kid was punching on her, you know, cause it wanted to breastfeed or some shit, then I think she had every right to just pick him up by his osh gosh bagoshes or whatever. Push him right off that plastic pony. A Phoenix woman who's been, who has. Who had been reported missing earlier this month along with a three year old boy, now faces child abuse charges in a case court document says I'm not gonna say her name, but I swear to God, her first name looks like tequila. 21 was arrested Thursday on suspicion of one count of child abuse in connection with injuries to the toddler.
- [41:21]
Jim Norton
Oh, shake it off.
- [41:22]
Bill Burr
Investigation said in a court doc, I'm just gonna see how far into the beating of a child I can go.
- [41:27]
Jim Norton
Just how quiet this crowd's gonna get.
- [41:32]
Bill Burr
The child was beaten on its birthday because it wasn't happy with the cake. The suspect said, well, if you didn't like the cake, you're surely not going to like this lit candle. All right, I'm not reading the rest of this. I'm not reading the rest of this. This is too sad. I don't know what is wrong. I take this back. This is fun. Making you guys fucking really uncomfortable. I'm enjoying the shit out of this. Let's read some more serious sad news in Phoenix. Let's see how far down we can. By the way, you can feel the downtown area, it's about ready to blow up. I'm telling you. You got a great food area down the street. You got. You got an arena, there's a cvs. Come on, man. I can feel it. I sensed this in Cleveland and it turned around. I knew it was going to happen in Detroit and who's kidding who? Phoenix is the Detroit of the Southwest. It is. You just never had a riot because you don't let African Americans in your state. That's what. Yes, that's what it is. Who says no to a day off? You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves. All right, what else? Okay, local headlines. I'll end it with this here. I don't want to shit on you guys too much. All right. Valley traffic closures. That's not exciting. Thank you for backing that up, man. No, it isn't. I did not pay money to come out and listen.
- [43:05]
Paul Verze
Do the traffic report.
- [43:06]
Bill Burr
I can listen that on my AM radio. Thank you very much. County offers free dog adoptions to ease the crowding. All right, let's talk. Okay? We already got a fucking beat up kid. Let's talk about abused animals. Is your dog there? Is my dog where? In there? No, my dog lives in a house out here that I bought for it. So go fuck yourself. What was happening is the amount of money that I was spending to board the dog was less than a mortgage out here. So I said, fuck it. And I set up like a Hugh Hefner lease with my trainer. It's like, all right, as long as the dog's alive, you live here rent free and you take care of it. I come out and visit whenever I want. He's like, cool. I go. When the dog dies, then, you know, you either buy the house or you leave or you start renting. He was like, cool. So you know damn well that dog's getting fucking sirloin every night. It's Cleo. The dog's name is Cleo. And she barely remembers me now cause she's getting treated so well. The fucking house is nicer than my one in LA. So there you go, Mr. Guilt Trip over there. Now let's talk about. Let's talk about this shit over here. Let's Talk about what you guys do to dogs in this state. What is with this fucking advertising? Am I on Netflix? What happened? Coca Cola. We are so much more than cola. Yeah, your fucking gum disease. Where's Nia? She's right backstage. She'll be out in a minute. I'm fucking with you. She's at home taking care of our child.
- [44:53]
Paul Verze
Aha. Aha.
- [44:55]
Bill Burr
Not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen, sir. Just like your dreams. That is not gonna happen. Your dreams won't come true. And Nia's not coming out here. Anybody watching that Texas Tech Oklahoma game?
- [45:12]
Jim Norton
Jesus.
- [45:12]
Bill Burr
There was, like, no fucking defense in that, man. None whatsoever. By the way, thank you to everybody here. Thank you. Thank you to everybody here. That is. That has come out to the All Things Comedy Podcast Network, our first ever podcast festival. It's been a smashing success. Did you guys see. When you walked in, we had the. We had Caddyshack playing outside. You can play that cornhole fucking game. You can drink a bunch of beers. This is what it's all about. It's all about hanging out, getting fucked up, listening to morons who don't know how to read do podcasts. That's what this entire thing is all about. All right, what do you got? All right, Houston. What about those fucking Houston Astros going up 2 to 1, 2 to 1 against the LA Dodgers? I don't know who to root for in this one. Cause you know, I live in Los Angeles, you know, I know Houston just had that hurricane, but it's over, right? Everything dried up. Those fans look all happy and dry when you watch the game. Almost to the point I was just going, look how nice this looks. What was all the fucking complaining about? Jesus Christ. It rains a little bit and everybody out in Houston starts losing their fucking minds, you know? Do you think one of them has ever sent a postcard to Seattle? Those poor people sit in rain for like 360 days out of the fucking year. I will guarantee you, not a fucking peep. Not a peep from Houston. Houston. Jesus, what a shady city that is, huh? NASA? How many people down there, do you think? I bet that whole fucking Houston, that whole fucking hurricane, I bet it didn't even happen. I bet they just let some damn water go down there and it was all an excuse to kill the last few people alive that were part of the fake lunar landing reenactment at NASA. So they got rid of them.
- [47:07]
Jim Norton
And what else goes on in Houston?
- [47:09]
Bill Burr
They got the Klan right outside there that drags people to death. Wheelchair suppliers didn't get an applause break here in fucking Arizona.
- [47:23]
Jim Norton
There was one other thing.
- [47:24]
Bill Burr
What the fuck was I talking about? I was talking about now. Oh, then they got Halliburton. Halliburton. That changed their fucking name. I know, I know, I know. We're over there to fucking. What are we doing over there? We're concerned about their freedom. We got to get these Iraqis to be free. Oh, and it gets awkwardly silent here. Oh, you know what I did? So, anyways, I think I'm gonna be. I think I'm gonna. I'm gonna tell you right now why the fucking Astros are gonna win the World Series, okay? I'm gonna tell you why it's gonna happen. It has nothing to do with baseball. It has to do with the fact that Jason Lawhead is rooting for the Dodgers. He's here tonight. Jason Lawhead grew up in Cleveland, all right? He's fucked, okay? Like, the second you come out of the womb, the curse of that city just engulfed him. And everywhere he goes, he's like the mush in a Bronx tale. Just tear up your fucking tickets, L.A. it's over. You're not going to win another game. No, I have no idea. I'm actually rooting that there's going to be. There's gonna be seven games.
- [48:32]
Jim Norton
I hope it'll be seven games. Give me something to do.
- [48:36]
Bill Burr
I don't know that there's gonna be seven games. Do you know that there's gonna be seven games, sir? Does somebody know? Oh, because of the money. You guys think it's all about the money. That's why I don't give. That's why I don't give the charities anymore. I'm done with fucking charities. I didn't give one fucking dime to Houston, okay? You want to walk up to me up to your neck in water with a I live in Houston hat, then I'm going to give you money, all right? But I'm not giving to any of these fucking things anymore because these fucking organizations, they keep. I'm convinced that the most of them, they just. They just keep the fucking money. That's what. Anytime you see a tragedy, just know that there's a bunch of people going.
- [49:14]
Jim Norton
Like, I can make a bunch of.
- [49:15]
Bill Burr
Fucking money off of that. Hashtag I care to. Right? And then you give them $20, you feel like you did your part. You know what I mean? Like, how much money do you think Trump collected before he went over there with those bounty paper towels and just handed them out in Puerto Rico? He must have Made a fucking killing. Probably spent the rest on hair plugs and fucking. I don't understand how he became a redhead as he got older. I don't understand. He had brown hair. It's like somebody transitioning. Like, I don't get somebody who, like, changes religions. Not all of this is going to make sense. Everybody. You still can't fucking hear me. I don't know what to do. Should I stick this in my fucking mouth then? Could you hear me? All right? How's that? Is that good? Does this work? Is this working for both of you? Maybe if I clip this onto the microphone.
- [50:10]
Jim Norton
Jesus Christ.
- [50:11]
Bill Burr
You know what this feels like right now? This feels like when I was in summer school and I was just staring at the fucking clock. Like 23 minutes. 23 minutes. Jesus Christ. Why did I wear a sweatshirt out here?
- [50:25]
Paul Verze
Oh, by the way, I got to.
- [50:26]
Bill Burr
Do a. I got to do a promotion. I got to do a promotion. I saw. I went to a movie premiere of the 30 for 30. The Nature Boy, Ric Flair is coming out.
- [50:40]
Paul Verze
And I have to tell you this.
- [50:41]
Bill Burr
Right now might be the best 30 for 30 I ever fucking saw. It should be 90. It actually, it is 90 minutes. It is 90 minutes. I thought it was only 30 minutes. It was 90 minutes, sir. It wasn't.
- [50:54]
Paul Verze
Your dream came true. See that, everybody?
- [51:00]
Bill Burr
I'm gonna start a charity for this guy and a portion of the proceeds are gonna go towards him. The rest of them are gonna go to me in a new folks drum kit. I'll put his picture on the bass drum head. Each day, thousands of people are dying of cancer, and I want a boat. If you call this number, we can put a slight dent in it and I can get the boat of my fucking dreams and finally get rid of my wife and start living openly with my mistress. Please take the number down. The first 300 people that call in will get a free T shirt with a donation of over three times the cost to produce this T shirt. No one will check to see if the T shirts were actually sent out. That's the move, people. There's two fucking. There's three moves to make in this country at this point if you want to exist in the future. One, you either grow weed in anticipation that it becomes legal at a federal level and you can get it out of your fucking state. Because I know in Colorado, I guess they're drowning in the shit. They got more weed than they got hippies. They got more. Oh, my God, I gotta tell you, the dirtiest looking white people you're ever Gonna see in your life are in Colorado. I can't imagine being a minority in Colorado. Looking at the white people there. You gotta be thinking like, how the fuck are we working for these people? How are these people running shit? I mean, everybody just looks like they fell into a vat of patchouli, right? You know, they're always inner tubing and shit. They just live outside. They're just. I don't know. That's like in the Denver area, you know. Then you get out in the western part of the states and then it gets better, you know, you got the Illuminatis in the Rocky Mountains, you know what I mean? They make sure it stays nice and cold up there so the body of their first wife never melts away. You know what I mean? That's what they keep doing. That's the code word. You going skiing with your third wife today? Yeah, we're going on the double black diamond. That's code for I'm going to fucking steer her into a tree. You know? That's what's going to happen when global warming really hits and all this snow melts up in fucking Aspen. And veil the amount of dead women that are going to be underneath there, the amount of first wives the before I made my first million love, you know what I mean? When I was at the college level, before I went pro, you know, I don't know. Sometimes I think you ought to be able to kill your first wife, though, because there's like too many people on the planet and then also can maybe like, put them on their heels. Not saying you do it, but just the fact that she would know it was okay. I think from where I sit, would have a really positive effect on the relationship. I think the reality television viewing would go down. I should do these more because with you guys laughing, I won't get in trouble. You know what I mean? It's when I'm by myself and there's dead silence, it stops sounding like I'm fucking around. And it sounds more like, is this guy reading from his own manifesto?
- [54:39]
Jim Norton
Yeah. They ought to come up with creative ways to get rid of people.
- [54:42]
Bill Burr
I guess the optimal number according to something that somebody sent me is 500.
- [54:45]
Jim Norton
Million people on this planet and we're up to 6.5 billion.
- [54:49]
Bill Burr
So I think that there's things that you could do, like stop rescuing pit bulls. You should just set them free and let them wander the streets in Pacific. And then everybody has a cyanide pill, you know, so if you get, you know, if. Who wants to be Ripped apart by a pack of wild dogs. You can just eat it every once in a while. Or maybe you do that. Like, I don't know, like there's some sort of incentive for your family if you off yourself. You know what I mean? I figure if you off yourself, that's an even better way because then they can, like, prepare rather than just have a bunch of carcasses on the side of the road. That'll cause diseases, which is good, but after a certain point, once we get under 500 million, now you're just killing the chosen ones, the blue chips, right? They should have like an NFL combine to find, you know, you got to get your. Like every country has to get their roster down to a. Down to a number, right? Like you're allowed to have 100,000 people. You're not allowed to judge it by race, religion, sex, or anything like that, right? And you just have the best of the best of race, sex, religion, all.
- [56:08]
Jim Norton
Of that fucking shit that we care about, right?
- [56:10]
Bill Burr
You just have that.
- [56:11]
Jim Norton
Cruise ships.
- [56:12]
Bill Burr
Cruise ships. No, no cruise ships. That's not going to work because that's also an environmental disaster. I regret doing that bit on my last special. I never thought of all the oil that was going to be seeping there. So my new one is that you just let them pull into port and then you just mow them all down. They die happy with their silly hats and their flip flops. I know none of that's right. This is. In a time like this, don't you think there should be more caring? Somebody told me today that they're actually selling land on Mars. Can I somehow get in on that? I'll sell you the whole fucking planet for 15 grand. You can get out there and figure out there's no atmosphere, and then you're gonna die. It's a shame. I mean, it's there. You can see it. Look right through the telescope. I sold you that. If you can get there and breathe, it's going to be all yours. It's going to be all yours. That's the way. You know something right there, that'd be the first way of how you get rid of people. You sell land on Mars, and anybody that goes to buy it, you go, okay, you won, you got a little bit of land, come down here to claim it. And then they walk into a room like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, right? You put a gun to their head. You're like, hey, wait a minute. What the fuck? It's like, well, dude, you obviously don't want to be here. You'd rather go to Mars? It's too crowded, you know, I'm going to send you to heaven, man. You can see all the planets, all right? I like when people wonder if there's. If there's life on other planets. You know what I mean? Like, why would you.
- [58:16]
Jim Norton
You know, who gives a. If there is?
- [58:17]
Bill Burr
You can't talk to them. They're too far away, you know? And what if they're smart enough to get here? Do you really want to wave your arms? You know, why don't you just hitchhike down the highway and see what happens? All right. I gotta do some reads here for this week. Okay, Here we go. Oh, look who's. Oh. Indochino, Indochin, Indochito. Talk about how every man looks better in his suit, you know, when I'm having gay thoughts, you know, if I was gonna fuck a man, I would prefer that he was in a suit because I don't want to feel dirty afterwards. I'd like to feel that I was with the gentleman that was raised right, you know? Last thing I'd want to do is fuck a gay guy from Denver wearing his flip flop and his fucking Hawaiian shirt. This probably be the last read for these guys. All right? Indochino is making it easy to get a perfectly tailored suit at an incredible price. You can choose from hundreds of top quality fabrics and personalize your suit just the way you want it, whether. Whether it's for work or a wedding or another special occasion. I can't read people. Indochino has suited up hundreds of thousands of men and are now the largest made to fucking measure menswear brand in the world. Place your order and wait for it to arrive just in a few weeks. Don't go to work. Sit there crazy, creepily staring at your front door like that crazy Asian chick in that fucked up movie where she stares at the phone before she pukes in a bowl and makes the guy eat it. You ever see that one? Yeah, it's called the Audition. Check that one out, but not before you get a great suit. Now, Bill Burr listeners and whoever the fuck else they advertise with. I love how the way it's trying to act like it's exclusive, like they haven't hoard themselves off to anybody with a microphone. There's probably some homeless guy outside reading the exact same fucking copy in a fucking empty refrigerator box. Listeners can get Indochino's best deal ever at $359 for any premium suit. When you enter the code Burr during checkout that's 50% off the regular price for a made to measure fucking suit. Premium suit plus shipping is free. That's Indochino.com promo code Burr. Any premium suit for just $359 and shipping is free. All incredible deal. I just felt like a rock star there. I'd let you guys hit the high notes, right? I'm like one of those hair metal guys who can't fucking hit the high notes there. And he just fucking sits there nodding at you with that devil look. It's an incredible deal for a suit that will fit you better than anything off the rack ever could. All right. Oh, look who's here. Everybody. Look. The next one. It's all zip recruiter. Are you hiring?
- [61:29]
Paul Verze
Well, are ya?
- [61:35]
Bill Burr
Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? ZipRecruiter is different. That's why Zip Recruiter. With ZipRecruiter you can post your job to over 100 fucking 100 up. I just cursed to give myself time to catch up. 100 of the web's leading. I feel like I have like the. Like a strawberry in my hand that I'm just never going to eat with this little lapel. Like somebody saying something really interesting.
- [62:06]
Paul Verze
You don't say really.
- [62:10]
Bill Burr
Little fucking acorn. With ZipRecruiter you can post your job to over 100 of the world's leading job boards with just one click so you can rest easy knowing your job is being seen by the right candidates. Then ZipRecruiter puts its smart matching technology to work actively notifying qualified candidates about your job within minutes of posting so you receive the best possible matches. Find out today why zip has been used by growing businesses of all sizes and industries to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results. And right now my listeners can post job on ZipRecruiter for free. For free. That's ZipRecruiter.com Spurr one more time. Don't say recruiter until I point at you. One more time. Try it for free. Go to zip. You fucking blew it. The key is you gotta make them feel like the fucking. The recording. Yeah. Take two. Come on Phoenix, you're better than this. One more time to try it for free. For free. Go to zip.com burr all right, we got through it. Oh, and here's the last one. Here's another great one. Oh, it's me. Undies everybody. Yay. Badoot. Doot doot. Meundies.
- [63:34]
Paul Verze
Meundies.
- [63:34]
Bill Burr
There's always one cun who doesn't do it right. Doo doo, doo, doo. Meundies, Meundies. I hope someone kills you tonight. All you had to do was listen to me. I don't have two mics. I should have three. I don't know. This fucking windscreen's as soft as your taint. When you wear a pair of this fucking shit, they make them for the ladies. Drying out your fucking clam. All right, sorry. Okay, Meundies, everybody. Meundies makes your butt.
- [64:07]
Paul Verze
What?
- [64:07]
Bill Burr
Meundies your butt will be proud to wear. I hate that fucking word. It's either your ass. You know, butt. It's just too. You know, I'm an ass man. I just. That word never. Just butt. That's if you have a flat ass, you have a butt over lower back down to your ankles. You know what I mean? That's how I'm built naked. I have the exact same silhouette is the Pink Panther. Big head, big feet, just fucking straight right down. I swear to God, you could hang advertising off my backside.
- [64:45]
Paul Verze
All right.
- [64:45]
Bill Burr
Meundies makes undies your butt will be proud to wear. And check this out. I'm not the only one who loves me undies. Listen to my longtime listener and me undies enthusiast George has to say. Is this George Michael? Did he write this from beyond the grave? Maybe he wore the first month Meundies. Remember that when he was shaking his ass? Yeah, I think it would be nice if I could touch your body and fucking jerk you up in a fucking port a party, then get arrested with cheers in my stubble wearing my fucking cowboy boots. I like that guy. And now he's dead. All right, a note from George N. A Bill Burr listener and Meundies fan. I decided to try out Meundies because I love Bill Burr's Meundies jingle. I smile every time he sings it. This reeks of being rewritten by the advertising. What kind of man says that? I just look out the window and smile. Do you just smile when you. I don't believe a word of this. Although it's so easy to skip ads in a podcast. Podcast? I always listen to Bill's reads, and I'm so glad Meundies has stuck with. Did Al Gore write this? This is about as sincere as him. If I told you guys my theory on why Hillary keeps fucking losing even though she only lost once, it's because she has Mike Dukakis charisma and she's as uncomfortable in her own skin as Al Gore. And you combine those two and what you have is a dope that loses to an even bigger dope. Oh, man, this is a Trump state. I can feel it. Oh, yeah. Is he making it better for you? Oh, it's too late. You had a chance. You had a chance at a day off and you said no. This is the fucking candidate you've always been waiting for, huh? Just coming in, wearing his red tie and his fucking silk underwear, telling you how it is, all right? Although it's so easy to. Who gives a shit about this fucking guy? Smiling, looking out the window with silky balls. Before meundies, I used to buy a three pack of underwear at retail stores until I realized that I wanted to treat my junk to something more comfortable. And that starts with a great pair of meundies, cradling the family jewels to get 20% off the best and softest underwear and socks you will ever own. For free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to Meundies.com burr. That's Meundies.
- [67:19]
Jake the Snake
All right.
- [67:19]
Bill Burr
I started to hype something here. 40 minutes, everybody. Just like that. Just like that. 40 minutes that you'll never get back. I thought he was going to be standing up. I thought there was going to be more of a show. I thought there'd be showgirls. I saw. I might as well stand up. It's so fucking hot in here. Oh, he's standing up. He's. He's standing up. He wants the world to know that. The fucking podcast, huh? What do you mean, speak up? I got two fucking microphones here. How much more can I speak up, sir? Are they canceling each other out with amplification? Are they both polite?
- [68:01]
Paul Verze
No, you go. No, you go.
- [68:02]
Bill Burr
We were both born in the 90s. I don't want to offend you with my yellow skin and your black skin. I want to sit in this big chair because I feel like I would think that I know something over here. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of Masterpiece Podcasting. Wow, this is weird. Now, I got in here, there's a whole new sound in here. I hate that. I'm at the fucking old age where I have to cross my legs when I sit down. I don't know what happens. Remember as a kid, you just fucking sat down? Now I got to sit there constantly stretching out my fucking hip. This couch was supposed to be nailed down. So I saw the premiere of the Ric Flair Nature Boy. Dude, I don't think I've ever fucking laughed that hard. I mean, I have to go back to, like, a Richard Pryor special. That guy is arguably one of the Funniest fucking human beings ever. And I have to tell you something. What I can commend about that guy in this nature, boy, 30 for 30 that you have to fucking see is he did not run from anything. He owned up to everything good or fucking bad. They were sitting there talking about, like, you know, him fucking around on his wife, and he was just going, yeah.
- [69:18]
Paul Verze
They go, how long were you faithful.
- [69:19]
Bill Burr
For in your marriage? He just goes one day. And he was like, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I came home and I spent a day with my family, and I was, like, bored out of my mind. I was in hell. And it was so fucking refreshing to hear a married guy talk about how badly he wants to continue fucking as many women as he possibly could right now. I know the laughs are gonna go down because there's too many women here, and every guy has to sit there and act like he was, you know, like, probably thinking about it right fucking now. I don't know. But, yeah, he talked about everything, just being like. Just all the women he was with. And then one point, they cut back to his first wife, who he calls number one. No, this guy is a fucking legend. And she just cuts back to him and she's just like, yeah, Rick wasn't a family man. I was doubled over, laughing. And then, you know, it definitely has its sad points, but he doesn't run from it. If you can say he's a bad father or if he's maybe, like, an.
- [70:33]
Paul Verze
Alcoholic, I don't want to ruin too.
- [70:35]
Bill Burr
Many of the lines, but he was just saying, like, I don't know if I'm an alcoholic. I never tried to quit. There was just one fucking closing bit after another with this guy.
- [70:47]
Paul Verze
It's like, I would close with that. I would close with that. I would close with that.
- [70:51]
Bill Burr
And he just kept going. He did tell this one story. I'm all twisted up in my 20 fucking microphones. He did tell this one story to the crowd that was there. He talked about how one night he was on the road and he was out partying, and he goes, and I.
- [71:06]
Paul Verze
Woke up with a couple of.
- [71:07]
Bill Burr
He goes, I woke up next to an alien. Which is what he calls being, like, blackout drunk and just waking up next to some woman. You don't even know her fucking name. So he goes, I woke up and there was an alien on one side and an alien on the other. And I looked down and my Rolex was missing. So I wake the women up and I go, hey, where's my Watch. And they go, you don't remember? They go, you don't remember? And he goes, no, he goes, yeah, last night you threw your watch into a bowl of spaghetti and you said, I got 50, 15 of these fucking things. This was just a throwaway story. I mean, this is a comedy club. This is a packed house. I'm killing just remembering lines that he said. I'm telling you, you have to fucking watch this guy. It's like, I'm telling you, they ought to give him like the Mark Twain Award. They're always giving it to these, these fucking people, you know? You know, they give it to some people that are funny, but then other times they just, you know, sometimes it's like, that guy is not as funny as fucking Ric Flair. You got to get him in there, you know? You know, they wouldn't. No, because it's always like the, you.
- [72:20]
Jim Norton
Know, the arts and Meryl Streep and.
- [72:23]
Bill Burr
Blah, blah, blah, blah. Fuck out of here, you know? Do you think she could fucking be that good an actress after a couple of back body drops, you know, do you think she could do the flare flop and keep that period correct wig that she has on? I don't know why I'm trashing Meryl Streep. I have no idea why. You know why? Because she's always getting awards, you know? Yeah, fuck her for doing such great work. It's the dumbest shit. You know how this business works. If you trash anybody, you inevitably you end up working for them. I can't tell you how many times that's. I haven't gotten a lot of acting work, but every time I've ever gotten acting work and I'm in the fucking hair and makeup, I always get to skip the hair part. Of course. I go over to the makeup side of the trailer, inevitably somebody comes walking in. I'm like, oh, shit, I trashed that person. I hope they didn't hear that podcast. All right, I think that was it. You guys want to listen to some reads here for this week? Can you hear me? Is everything fine? Is this working? How has this been so far? Have you guys enjoyed this? Is this something I should do more of? All right, I've already one guy. There's always going to be one guy booing, I didn't like it. All right, on Monday, I discussed silkworms and how they take the spittle from a silkworm and that's how they make a silk shirt. Somebody goes, silkworms. Hey, you ugly red faced fucking twat. You really think silk shirts are Made from silkworms. Really? Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Just think about it. Just think about that for a second. Bless your heart, Bill, but sweet fuck, man, get your act together and go fuck yourself. You know what's funny is I did, and I still do, until I was thinking, like, wait, well, how would they turn that spittle into threat? But I also used to think that a fucking. I used to think a pony was just a little horse. I did. And I remember these people down the street, they had a little pony. And I just remembered, I just remember thinking, why won't. When is that thing gonna fucking grow up and become a horse? And I finally one day asked my mother when I was like 15, and she just looked at me like, how did you come out of me? What do I Google here? What is silk made out of? It's just gonna say silk, but what? They shouldn't call it a fucking silkworm. Then what is silk made of? What is silk? Oh, fuck you, sir. This shit I know that you don't know, okay? Everybody likes to feel so goddamn smart, huh? What is silk made of? This right here. If there's ever a Hunger Games, I'm definitely not going to make it right here. The protein fiber of silk is comprised mainly of fibron and is produced by certain insect larvae to form cocoons. All right, that was kind of right. The best known silk is obtained from the cocoons of the larva of the mulberry silkworm. Wait a minute. Was I right? What the fuck? Well, it wasn't spitting it out. I thought it was basically a silkworm spiderweb. Why would a worm make a spider web, Bill? Maybe it's suicidal, I don't know. There's another way to make money off of suicidal silkworms. Each year, over 30,000 silk silkworms commit suicide. And I would like to buy a Tesla. So please send your money in. All right. Fat but fit. Billy no Rolls. A study just came out that speaks to everything you've said about being fat. Almost automatically meaning you're not healthy today. There are a lot of people who say you can be in good health while carrying fat, but that's just to soften the blow to people who can't lose the lard. Anyways, thought I'd share. You're not as dumb as NIA says you are, but maybe still a bit of a moron. Just kidding. Go fuck yourself. I had no idea how much you guys laugh at these people shitting on me. I thought you were all sitting at home as offended as I was going hey, don't say that about Bill. Bill is my podcast friend. Well, well, well, well. I guess you get to see who your fucking friends are when you do something live. All right, I don't even. This is how bad my short term memory is. I don't even know what the fuck I just said. I don't even know what I just read that you can be a fat f. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. You're not. You don't want to be fat. Like, that's a big thing now, to be fat and be proud of it, you know? And they talk about fat shaming and all that shit. It's just like, you know, you should just ignore what everybody says and you should listen to your heart going, for the love of God, lose the weight. I'm gonna conk out here. Ah, that was a cheap joke. That was an easy one. I set you up. You. You know, easy. I took you to the left and then I went right. That's what I did. That was the old misdirection, the old comedy crossover there. All right? Nestle Kuntz. Nestle Kunst, that's right. Oh, yeah, they're the ones. They're the ones causing all the wars. Hey there, Billy in the Mirror. Saw this article about Nestle that I thought might ruffle your feathers. The line, the byline, says it all. Okay, this year, this year's Halloween confectionery. Oh, this is so great. I have people here. What the. What is a confectionary? It's a what? It's a candy store. What kind of an asshole calls it a confectionary? You know what's funny? I got this acting gig right now, by the way. I gotta promote the movie. You gotta see it. Probably come out next year.
- [78:46]
Paul Verze
It's called Frontrunner.
- [78:48]
Bill Burr
Frontrunner stars Hugh Jackman as Gary Hart. If you're old enough. Remember Gary Hart? Yeah, Gary Hart went a little Ric Flair on the road, right? He banged some woman and then all of a sudden he couldn't be president anymore. And that's how Bush got in, because this guy was a good looking guy and all the ladies liked him. And that's all you need to do to win the presidency, right? You play the saxophone, you hit a jump shot. You know what I mean? You do something like that, and then everybody fucking loves you anyways. That's coming out, by the way. All you hear on a movie set is people going, copy that. Copy that. Copy that. I need this.
- [79:28]
Paul Verze
Go over there.
- [79:29]
Bill Burr
Copy that. I get it. When you say it into like a fucking you know, you're on your little CB radio. Copy that. I get that. You know what I mean? But people say it to just other people. Now just one person will be, hey, can you move that over there? And the guy will go, copy that. It's like, why don't you just say, okay, It's a lot quicker. Can you move that? Okay, got it. Copy that. Those are the same kind of people that call a fucking candy store a confectionary.
- [80:01]
Paul Verze
All right.
- [80:04]
Bill Burr
Hey, that's right there. That's called a callback. The guy just goes, copy that. He was waiting for the end of the bit. See that? Now how does he know about callbacks? How does he know? Because Netflix has released 30,000 stand up specials this year. They're creating a comedy special housing bubble over there. Come watch the greatest open micrs do an hour of their best material. That's who they're down to at this point. There's like, everybody has an hour special. I'm gonna freeze myself after I die. Don't they have that here, the cryogenics right next to the confectionary? Right. I'm gonna freeze myself. So then when they figure out how to cure death, they can unfreeze me and I can do a bit of. I can do an hour long one man show on Netflix about what it's like to be in a 4, 40 year coma. All right, Nestle, everybody. By the way, F is for family. Please watch that on Netflix. Now that I've made fun of them, just scroll. If you can't find it, just scroll left for like 20 minutes. Anyways, this year's Halloween confectionery will contain palm oil grown on land that should lawfully be habitat be habit. I can't read this. H A B I T A T. Lawfully be habitat to orangutans. I always thought it was orangutan, like the drink. Orangutans, rhinos and clouded leopards. I don't know what the fuck that is. Despite commitment to clean up supply chains. This is on top of them siphoning. You know, a lot of times it's not me. This is the sentence. This is on top of them siphoning. My fucking screen just went out. Finally gonna make a point. This is on top of them siphoning. They do of water from national parks that you've spoken about. I guess they take water out of national parks where they had agreements with Native American tribes that have since expired. What's it going to take to end Nestle's corruption? Maybe you can Take this up as your cause the way the first ladies do. This is how you stop that. What you'd have to do is have politicians. Politicians have to start earning fuck you money rather than being grossly underpaid. The fact that, you know, as a podcaster, comedian, an actor, you can make almost as much, if not more money than the President of the United States is fucking pathetic. You know what I mean? They should have fuck you money the second you become president. This should be like a. Just be like a. Like, you know, like a pitching machine that's just throwing one fucking heater over the plate. Should be a bag of money the entire time you're there. So then when these guys go, hey, can we siphon this fucking out of here? You can be like, no, fuck you. Well, if you don't, we won't help you get reelected.
- [83:10]
Paul Verze
I don't give a fuck.
- [83:12]
Bill Burr
I got fuck you money. It probably wouldn't work. I don't. Sometimes I have good ideas, sometimes I don't. So I guess, yeah, don't buy any Nestle Crunch bars, everybody. And stay away from their bottled water and whatever else they make. Do they make thongs? All right. Do you feel how the podcast just immediately fucking slowed down the second I started reading out loud? It's fucking unbelievable. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to myself? What is the shame? Is it because I was raised Catholic? All right. Accidentally made two girls my girlfriend. All right, I like this guy already. Hi, William the bald. Big fan from Kenya. Oh, this is a second language. All right. Love the podcast. And F is for family is amazing. That's amazing that you can watch it over there. No, you should see.
- [84:07]
Paul Verze
Go on.
- [84:08]
Bill Burr
F. Go on the Internet. You can actually watch all these people. You know what? F is for Family, I feel like captures the Frank character that's loosely based on my dad. You know, which one I think does it the best is Mexico, you know? Cause they got a lot of fucking same kind of people screaming and yelling, temper, you know what I mean? It just fucking works great. Somehow that'll come off as racist, but it was supposed to be a compliment. Long story short, I have had a crush on two ladies in my college class for over four years. Jesus Christ. This guy moves slow, huh? Now one of them is dying of ovarian cancer, and I feel like it's too late. Oh, Jesus. Not that we care. We care in Phoenix, huh? I bet you guys all pictured a white vagina. Yeah, Fucking act like you guys care, huh? You try to bully me into your Fucking phony giving a shit. They probably showed that hurricane in fucking Houston on Comedy Central out here. That's how little you people care. You guys are all about yourselves. All right. All I did, all right. I don't even know where I am in this. I don't know how you follow a white vagina. Next item up for bids. A white vagina. The Mecham auctions for serial killers. It would just be like women's body parts. Oh, we're so offended. Oh, fuck all of you. I'll stop. They are even harder into it. Did you hear that? They're going to start having Jeffrey Dahmer day in Wisconsin. That's true. They have an all you can eat. An all you can eat mystery meat day in Wisconsin. They're trying to change the perception that all they do is eat cheese up there.
- [86:14]
Paul Verze
See?
- [86:16]
Bill Burr
Are we done groaning? Cause I'll keep fucking going. All right, so this guy has had a crush on these ladies for four fucking years. But since breaking up with my previous girlfriend three years ago, I decided to not get into another relationship. So the whole time you were with this girl for three years, you had a crush on two other women for four years? I love this guy. He's a fucking mess. All I did with these two girls was light flirting from time to time. What is light flirting in Kenya? I was going to do some starving joke. You want a piece of bread? Just fucking with you. Ah, you can have it. He's going to write back next week. Dear Bill, we are not Somalia or Ethiopia. We actually have food in Kenya, running water and skyscrapers. Anyways, all I did was flirt with one of them is the fun friendly kind. But she's kind of loose. Parentheses, open relationship and sending nudes types. All right, so that's the one you bang, you fucking. You double wrap it, right? You double wrap it. And the other is conservative. The other is conservative, introvert, virgin. But I really enjoy her company. All right, there's the one you have kids with. This is an easy one. Well, a few days ago it was my birthday and I had both of them. And you had both of them. You're just going to stop there. You banged both of them? Well, she's not a virgin anymore now, is she? Both of them and some few friends over. This is his second language and I can't read. For a party. I had a shitload of booze and was on, I'm going to guess right now, the one that he thinks is loose held her alcohol and the virgin blew everyone at the party. That's what I'm going with. Maybe I've been in Hollywood too long, but this can't be linear. It has to make a left turn at some point to spin us into the second act. Okay, well, a few days ago, it was my birthday and I. Okay, I had them both over. All right, all right. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They came over. I had a shitload of booze and was on autopilot the whole time, but apparently I had the balls to ask the two ladies to be my girlfriend. Oh, he was drunk. I don't believe. Is this a true story or did he watch some Kenyan version of the Brady Bunch when Peter has two dates in one night? A few days later, I get a text from both of them asking whether I was serious about asking them out. I'm now in a huge dilemma of choosing between the two, who I really like, and the fact that I haven't been in a relationship in a while and basically forgot how to be in a relationship. Oh, shut the fuck up. You remember exactly how to be in a relationship. That's why you don't want to be in one. Any advice would be appreciated. And. Okay, end Ujandina, which is Swahili for go fuck yourself. All right, well, I think. I think you got to go with the whore, you know, if you don't want to be in a relationship. But you did say girlfriend. I would just own up to it. Just be. Just be like, listen, I've been. I was totally shit faced when I sent that, but I have had a crush on you for four years. You always got to go with honesty with women. Guys go into it, you know, you always think you got to lie to them and all of that shit. You got to just. You just fucking lay your cards on the table. It's. It's the best thing you can do. They won't get mad. They might get a little upset depending on what you say, you know, Depends on how graphic you get. Where do you see this going? I see you laying off the edge of my bed on your back with your head hanging off as I fuck your mouth while watching SportsCenter. That might be a little too honest. You could just say, you know, just looking to have a good time. I would just go with honesty. I would tell both of them, dude, you. The fact that you're not in a relationship right now, you get to hit the reset button. You just go, total honesty. I would tell them exactly what the fuck happened. Just say I had crushed on both of you for. I wouldn't have to Talk to them both at the same time. But I would say I sent it to two different people and that's what I did. And then just wait to hear what they say. That's it. And if they don't like it, who gives a fuck? Take you and your honesty to the next situation. I'm telling you, all right? That's the best way to handle the fucking thing. And then, I don't know, somehow you just tell them what's going on. Oh, Christ, I gotta tell a story. Here's a story for you. One time when I learned about honesty, I was in my fucking early to mid-30s, and I was just sick of lying. And I met this chick. She was like, 22 years old. So we get back to my apartment. This lady's leaving right now. She can't bear to listen to this right now. So we get back to my apartment, we start making out and everything. And she goes, wait a minute. She goes, like, wait a second. She says, where is this going? And I said, nowhere. Oh, are you kidding me? I go, I'm like 50 years older than you. By the time you're 30, I'm gonna be like, 86 years old, all right? This is gonna go nowhere. So whatever you want to do sexually, but you don't want to do with somebody that you like, you do with me, right? And then you'll never have a midlife crisis because you got it out of your system. And you know what she said? She went, all right. That was it. Yeah. They're not as prudish as you think they are. Don't be afraid. That's the number one thing you gotta go with the fucking honesty. Do you like me? No. No. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be mean. I like you, but not like that, all right? Girlfriend loves my long hair. I don't. Oh, go fuck yourself. Jesus Christ. What are you gonna do next, go up to somebody with leukemia? My girlfriend loves my sick, free body, but I don't. I just love how you guys have this thing with disease. What is it with you guys and disease? Why does it make you so sad? It's Mother Nature trying to help us. They should close down all the pharmacies, okay? And if you're lucky enough to be disease free, you live. That's what we need to do. Tough decisions have to be made. Okay? So I've been growing my hair out for a while, since I enrolled in college. Oh, dude, that's the time to do it.
- [93:37]
Paul Verze
Good for you.
- [93:38]
Bill Burr
Grow your hair out live your Steven Seagal years in your twenties. Get by a sword, sit there Indian style, meditating out on the fucking. Some sort of bluff or what. I never went to college. Really. I never lived there. What do they call it out on the compound? The. The quad area, the grassy area. Just try to act interesting. Anyways, and I'm about to graduate this upcoming spring. My girlfriend and a few friends convinced me to grow my hair out since they are all the hippie type. Oh, that's not the cool long hair. This guy probably goes to the University of Denver. I don't consider myself a hippie at all. But that is the crew I run with since I have known most of them since back in high school and they are all close friends. A couple of them have long hair too. I was open to the idea since I've had short hair for most of my life before that the long hair turned out looking pretty good too. My girlfriend though, loves the long hair on guys. A few days ago I told her passingly that. That I've been thinking about cutting it. And she immediately seemed really concerned saying I just don't think it would look good and. But I really love how it is. Is she just dating you for your hair, sir? But that she's only ever dated guys with longer hair? Dude, if you're looking to get out of this relationship, one quick trip to the fucking barber. This is the easiest breakup ever and you gotta go hardcore. I'd get like a cop flat top haircut, a detective mustache. This is the easiest breakup ever. Her concern kind of annoys me as she was saying that she would not be attracted to me in general if I cut it. To me it seemed pretty shallow considering we've been together for almost three years. Yeah, dude, she doesn't love you. She doesn't love you. Get your fucking hair cut and get out of there. That's what I do. I'm pretty fed up with my long hair and everything that comes with it. Knots, hair, trying, you know, getting it in my eyes. Yeah, dude, you learned something, you know, you did something for her, not for fucking you, right? You don't like it. You're telling you you don't like it. She says she doesn't like the fact that you don't like it. It's all there, sir. All right, this is what you do. You fuck her one more time and then you go get your haircut. I don't advise you doing that. That's mean.
- [95:58]
Paul Verze
I just.
- [95:58]
Bill Burr
I just needed a laugh. Okay, here's the last one. Everybody. And then we'll be almost at the end of the podcast. Hour and ten minutes. Just like that. First ever live one. There you go. All right, guys, lie on Tinder. Surprise. Hey, old bill. I'm a 29 year old single lady living in Virginia along with most other singles my age, it seems. I've had to try out various dating sites and apps over the years, but haven't had any success cultivating anything more than a date here or there. I realized this. Oh my God, this is so fucking long, lady. Maybe if you got to the point, you'd get a second date. That was a cheap shot. Admittedly, that was a cheap shot. I got anxiety on how long this was and rather than admitting to the fact that I don't like to read out loud, I blamed her. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for your horrible social life. Let's continue. I realize a lot of this was likely due to the fact that I've been pretty overweight my entire adult life.
- [97:10]
Paul Verze
Aw.
- [97:10]
Bill Burr
Now I'm sad. However, the last year and a half I've managed to lose £112. There you go. That's fucking awesome. It took you a year and a half.
- [97:24]
Paul Verze
Good for you.
- [97:25]
Bill Burr
112 pounds and counting. She's not done yet. She's like John Elway. She's getting the rings at the end.
- [97:31]
Paul Verze
Of her career.
- [97:37]
Bill Burr
To take in all that shit in the press. She's finally living up to her expectations. I love it and counting. By changing my diet and literally running my tits off on the elliptical for an hour five times a week. That's fucking amazing. Good for you. And anyways, last week on Tinder, I matched with a very cute 29 year old guy. He initiated the conversation. We had a great back and forth comparing what podcasts we listen to. I found out he actually lives in Ohio and was only traveling in my area for work for the next few days. All right, that's a red flag. And he's on Tinder. He's looking to get his dick sucked. Alright, that's it. He doesn't want to know how many brothers and sisters you have. And what's your hobby? Oh, do you like to cook? Fantastic. Why don't you cook my balls in your mouth as I stroke my dick over here? Brutal honesty. Women like honesty. Anyways, I know I should have called it quits then, but finding out someone that can actually hold the conversation seems to be a real rarity these days. He asked me out to dinner, but because of my diet and wanting to be Nice. I offered for him to come over for a home cooked healthy meal. Oh, and you didn't fill him into the backstory? Now he thinks he's getting anal. This is how guys think, okay? We want this whole me too thing to end. Guys have to be honest about how they think. All right? He came over, was just a cute. Was just as cute in person as in his pictures. The great conversation kept flowing. I can't believe he just met somebody on the Internet and invited them over to your fucking house. Please tell me you had a fucking pistol taped to the inside of your leg. The great conversation kept flowing and six hours later we were making out. We both had to be up early the next day. He left with plans to hang out again the next day after work. We did and ended up hooking up. He left Virginia the next day. But we continue to message pretty constantly over the next week with him initiating the conversation most of the time, I swear to God. There's three paragraphs left. And I want to apologize to each and every one of you. I want to have a benefit for all of your ears having to listen to me have to fucking read this goddamn law. Please call the number at the bottom of the screen and a portion of the proceeds will go to everybody's eardrums in this room and also my Dodge 2 door Hemi pickup truck for 40 grand. Anyways, all seem to be going pretty great. Except the eight hour distance in between one another. Well, yeah, okay, you guys never looked at a globe. However, you know what? There's an I in Virginia, there's an I in Ohio. They must be pretty close. Don't they alphabetize by a vowel in the middle of them or something? All seem to be going pretty good. Okay, except for the eight. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Nothing really came.
- [100:51]
Paul Verze
Okay.
- [100:52]
Bill Burr
However, I just had a feeling something wasn't quite right. So I googled him. I guarantee you he has a family. Nothing really came up except his I don't know what profile. Then a few lines down, I see an old wedding gift registry site with his name on.
- [101:07]
Paul Verze
I called it.
- [101:09]
Bill Burr
I swear to God I didn't read this before. You think this sounds bad out loud? You should hear when I read quietly and I just hear me stuttering in my brain. I searched all the girls names on the registry along with his last name on Facebook. Facebook and bingo. All over this girl's profile are cute pictures of a sweet couple. The other half of which is the guy that I was in bed with a week ago. The son of a bitch is Married. What do I do here, Bill? Do I call the guy out on his shit and rip him a new one? Do I send his wife a message and tell her what he's doing? He travels through. All the women are going, yes. All the guys are like, no, no, no, Move on, move on. He travels the majority of the time for work. And I'm sure I'm not the first person he's done this to. He already deleted his Tinder profile and our text message have only been PG for the most part. So I don't have any concern, concrete proof to send her. I feel completely wretched. W R E T C H E D Wretched.
- [102:24]
Paul Verze
All right.
- [102:25]
Bill Burr
I was right. Jesus Christ. Wretched. I thought that's when you were, like, puking, retching. All right, everybody's got a degree in the room. I feel completely wretched and terrible. For the most part. I unknowingly played in this entire. I played into this entire situation. No, you didn't. You didn't unknowingly. This is like one of the oldest fucking stories on the Internet. Also, any dating advice for me moving forward is also appreciated. Thanks for the advice, and congrats on that beautiful baby girl of yours. Oh, thank you very much. All right. Yay. Oh, Billy became a father. All right, first of all, I gotta be honest with you. You're kinda going Hillary Clinton on this thing where you're not taking any responsibility for this loss whatsoever. You're blaming him, you're calling him a piece of shit. You're the electoral college. You're blaming Sandinistan rebels, everything. But you, okay, you went on Tinder. Tinder is a total hookup site. It's full of fucking scumbags. Like. And then guess what? You met a fucking scumbag. So what I would take out of that is to not go on dating sites. And I would try. I don't know, I would join like, a fucking sports league or some shit, like, go play some softball. I would try to do some hobby thing. I know this sounds like an old guy thing, but, like, you know, the fucking Internet is the Internet now. If you want to go blow up this guy's life to make you feel better, I mean, you can also do that. I mean. I mean, I don't know what I do. I just. When I fuck up, I just go, I fucked up, and I just. I walk away from it. I mean, if you want to. If you want to do that, that's up to you. I don't fucking know. I mean, who knows? Maybe. Maybe his wife isn't blowing him. You know, let's try to blame his innocent wife now. You know, I just feel like in this age of hyper feminism, the way women always just stick up for other women, that guys need to start doing this. So I have to stick up for this complete piece of shit here. Maybe. Maybe, you know, maybe just the love's gone in the relationship. They got the kids. He doesn't want to leave. He just wants to know what it likes to have fun again. And you were fun. And he fucking. You know, it's kind of on you, though, because the first night when you just hung out, all you gotta do is look at his wedding ring, and if he's wearing a ring, you'll see the indentation from it. I mean, you gotta go a little.
- [105:20]
Paul Verze
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, Right?
- [105:22]
Bill Burr
Right. Ma', am. I don't know why I'm blaming you. I have no excuse for this fucking guy. I don't know. I mean, what about George Clooney in that. That movie where he's flying around in the plains and he showed up and that woman had a family, you know? Did he say anything? He didn't. What was it called? Up in the Air, right? And he was banging that woman, and then he went to her house and he found out that she was married. And he was like, oh, fuck. And he just walked away. That's what guys do. We just walk away. Women start pulling hedges out of the front yard. They start putting rabbits in the fucking stew and shit. Like, is that why we die sooner than they do? Because we just hold that in our chest?
- [106:15]
Paul Verze
The fucking bitch had a family.
- [106:16]
Bill Burr
And you just carry that around for the rest of your life. Women get to get it out. Well, here's the thing. If he has kids and shit, like, maybe he's just going through a fucking phase, that he's working it out. You're gonna blow up that family, and their dad's gonna leave, and just so you know, there's gonna be two kids crying. I don't even know if this guy has kids. Does he have kids? I don't know. Personally, I would just take the loss and I would move on. I would just go like, listen, I checked you out. I found out you're married, you fucking piece of shit. And because I'm a cool chick, I'm not gonna call you fucking wife. Go fuck yourself. I mean, you could do that, or you could just. Or you could just say, I don't know. I don't. I don't know what to tell you. I can't throw another guy under the bus like this. That's what you would do. There you go. Someone in the crowd said that's what I would do. Keep losing weight and move the fuck on. Yeah, but you have to. This is what you have to do. Yeah. You know what? You gotta look at that guy like. You gotta look at that guy like. When Columbus was sailing across the ocean, he didn't see land first. He saw branches. So he knew that something good was coming, right, that he could exploit and cut their arms off when they didn't get enough gold. Okay? Allegedly. I like how new evidence shows that he was this. What did you find, huh? Did somebody scrawl it into a fucking tree? Yeah, just look at this guy, okay? You're going to take some losses on your way to a championship, okay? You don't blow up the whole team and burn down the fucking arena if that's what you want to do. Just know this. Take it as a compliment. You lost so much weight, you were worth risking a house for. I don't know. I got nothing. All right, you know what that is? The podcast. This is the first ever live podcast. Thank you guys so much for coming out. I hope you had a good time. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it was fun. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Thank you. Good night. What's up, everybody?
- [108:36]
Jake the Snake
And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show, NFL edition. Going into week number nine with your host, me, Paul Verze over here. We got Bill Burr over there. You know, we have the snake on the injury report. And of course, the Greek freak, Andrew Thelis out there in Beverly Hills. You know something? I thought Bill. I thought I was going into the 4 o', clock, 2 0, feeling good about myself. And the two teams that won were the favorites I picked. So now I'm going, oh, my two late games are dogs. I'm getting. Paulie's getting some points and he's getting one.
- [109:15]
Paul Verze
You're going to get one victory.
- [109:16]
Jake the Snake
I'm going to get with. That's exactly my thought process. I'm like, I'm going three and one at a minimum. Then the Cowboys pick off the Broncos, and I'm like, paulie may go four and. Oh, and no, I went. I ended up going two and two. I was ready to go. Oh, I'm back in this thing. I went two and two. The whole show went two and two. Okay? Because the. The Cowboys stink. It's the first time I picked them and they stink. The Cowboys Stink.
- [109:40]
Jim Norton
All right?
- [109:40]
Jake the Snake
They just do. And, you know, what can you do? So I went two and two. You went two and two. But, dude, you're. You've been. You've been 500 or better for the last, I think, five weeks, Bill.
- [109:53]
Paul Verze
I know, Paul, and I got to tell you, as you've been, like, struggling to find your footing, anybody and everybody can get it in the NFL. You have not sent me. You have never sent me so many. This guy stinks. This team stinks. This coach is fucking terrible. What are they doing? I mean, it is.
- [110:13]
Jake the Snake
You're right. You're right about that. I usually. I'm like, oh, I saw it. I like, I have. If I look at my text to you, it is. This guy stinks. He just doesn't have it. This team stinks. This is. This is the most negative.
- [110:25]
Paul Verze
I've been like, you're going through a breakup. I mean, these texts are just.
- [110:29]
Bill Burr
They're.
- [110:29]
Paul Verze
They're coming in. They're coming in hot. She never loved me. It was all. It was all. And the second I lose my job off the door, she goes.
- [110:46]
Jake the Snake
Sure.
- [110:47]
Paul Verze
I'm sorry, man. How you doing? How's your day? I don't mean to do this. You're still a good guy, even when you bitch.
- [110:53]
Jake the Snake
Sure. When things are good, you're right there, huh? You're right by my side.
- [110:57]
Paul Verze
When things are good. Hey, how about this? How about this? Anybody can be around for the sunshine. You find out who people are. When it starts to get a little cloudy out, I need you here in a storm. Yeah, anybody can skip along with a parasol.
- [111:17]
Bill Burr
Dude.
- [111:18]
Jake the Snake
Well, at least the show went 500 all week. At least we went 500, dude. And also, Bill, the NFL in a nutshell. We were three quarters into that Monday night special going, we're going to hit the third one. And then. Nope.
- [111:32]
Paul Verze
This year, marketing. The marketing team. It used to be the backdoor cover. Now it's. It's the marketing team. Whatever, Whatever new rule changes they made, that somehow you can have, like, nine possessions in the final four minutes of a fucking game.
- [111:46]
Jake the Snake
All scoring drives, you know, when you get your job.
- [111:49]
Paul Verze
Real quick, Paul, have you been watching this? This World Series?
- [111:53]
Jake the Snake
You know what? I watched that 18 innings. I. You know, here's what happened. I was watching that stupid Ed Gein thing.
- [112:00]
Bill Burr
That.
- [112:00]
Jake the Snake
That Ed Gein thing, you know, why.
- [112:02]
Paul Verze
Does he look like the lead singer from Maroon 5? Have you seen the fucking billboard? He's sitting there with a giant chainsaw cock, and then he's got this fucking Marilyn Manson Brassiere on. It's like, is this guy a serial killer creep, or is he a rock star? Am I supposed to be rooting for this guy? He's collecting fucking ears.
- [112:20]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, and Charlie Hunnan, who, by the way, played him great, is way better looking than the real guy. So during it, I'm like, this guy's.
- [112:28]
Paul Verze
Dresses Ed Dean reimagined. He's got an eight pack abs and a chainsaw cock. Honey.
- [112:35]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, but hide your junk.
- [112:39]
Paul Verze
Here comes Ed Gein.
- [112:42]
Jim Norton
Dude.
- [112:43]
Paul Verze
Dude, the way that they glorify these fucking, like, robber baron nerds that own these fucking, you know, own every industry now, serial killers. It's just like the whole fucking world right now. It's like, wait a minute, who's the.
- [112:58]
Bill Burr
Good guy and who's the bad guy here? Dude?
- [113:00]
Jake the Snake
At the end of Ed Gein's series, they showed him, like, talking and helping the FBI and older. And you felt like sympathy when he was dying. And I'm going like, this guy was like turning people into lampshades. And like, now I feel for him. It was nuts. Not feel for me.
- [113:18]
Bill Burr
Don't.
- [113:18]
Paul Verze
I mean, yeah, that's the direction that they.
- [113:22]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [113:23]
Paul Verze
Led you in. That looks like the COVID like the billboard for the Ed Gein thing. Looks like the COVID of like one of those one hit wonder hair metal bands.
- [113:34]
Bill Burr
You know what I mean?
- [113:34]
Paul Verze
Except that would have been a guitar bill.
- [113:36]
Jake the Snake
You never found the picture of me with no shirt on outside the Alamo making that face, have you? Because that was the greatest horror movie fucking poster. Oh, my God, dude. Have you never felt I needed that?
- [113:49]
Paul Verze
Why did you even do that? We were fucking hammered and we were walking by the Alamo and Paul goes to take a quick picture of me and I had like a flip phone. It was that long ago. And you fucking, like, jumped up in the air and you had no shirt on. You, like, you made like this fucking face, dude. It was the side of your personality I had never seen.
- [114:08]
Jake the Snake
You were like, dude, that would be the darkest, craziest horror movie poster. Yeah, well, dude, we drank like, we drank a third of whiskey and then walked there.
- [114:19]
Paul Verze
Yeah, dude, we used to. Like, I told you, dude, I went to the doctor. My. My liver is totally like. It's all like, dark now. No, fatty, it used to look like a fucking rib eye. And after seven years, they're not drinking. Like your liver can. As long as you don't go too hard too long. The great thing is it can repair itself. Thank God. But, dude, I think of some of those fucking things that we did, but yeah, you went to like college era. Paul Verze. When you told me all those crazy stories, the shit you used to do, you like, dude, take a picture of me and I'm just sitting there with the camera. He takes his shirt off. I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing? And then you just. I think, because the technology too, wasn't good with the phone.
- [115:02]
Bill Burr
It was a little blurry.
- [115:03]
Paul Verze
As you brought your head around, dude, you looked. You look like that guy that, like, other prisoners are afraid of. Like he has his own self.
- [115:16]
Jake the Snake
So. So at the end of the Ed Gein thing, I look at my phone and I see Dodgers, Blue Jays. And I go. I go, bottom of the 12th, I go, should I go to bed? Because, like one in the morning, I go, now I gotta watch. And I watched it all the way to the 18th. And then for the Blue Jays to lose that game and then win the next two. Dude, I don't know, man. I think the Blue Jays just have that thing where even when they played the Yankees, same record, the. Every time the Yankees would put up a run or hit a big home run, Blue Jays would just get two right back. They just keep coming, man.
- [115:47]
Paul Verze
Yeah, there's. I think they're going to lose game six because I keep forgetting the guy's fucking name, this Japanese kid. Dude, they say if you have, if you have three pitches, you can dominate an MLB game. This kid has six.
- [116:04]
Jake the Snake
Yamamoto.
- [116:05]
Paul Verze
Yeah, dude. And they all, they all come from the same place. Fastball, change up, splitter, sinker. It's just like, what the. Yeah, what the. Like, how do you, how do you even adjust for that? It's just like, what am I guessing here?
- [116:23]
Jake the Snake
And the Dodgers are. Won it last year. I wouldn't count them out yet. I think this is going to go 7, 2. It's going to be great.
- [116:30]
Paul Verze
I think it's going to go seven. The Dodgers are going to use their entire pitching staff, including Ohtani, who's probably.
- [116:39]
Bill Burr
Going to hit a home run. Dude, it's going to.
- [116:40]
Paul Verze
It's. It's going to be an epic ending. And Donnie Baseball. Don't look now, Paul. I know he's one game away.
- [116:50]
Jake the Snake
It's my only silver lining for Toronto winning is Donnie Baseball getting out.
- [116:54]
Paul Verze
I know you don't like the home run jacket, dude, but it's fucking. It's sick. Out of all the shit that I've seen, all the dumb shit that they do, that fucking home run jacket is the shit.
- [117:06]
Jake the Snake
Listen, if it was my team, I would Be cool with it. It's one of those deals, you know?
- [117:10]
Paul Verze
But I like that the Yankees don't do shit like that. They understand their fucking history. You know, where the idiots. We grow beards and fucking put on mascot heads and get zoomed down in a fucking male carrier thing. Whatever. I mean, that's just.
- [117:26]
Bill Burr
Whatever.
- [117:27]
Paul Verze
But here's the thing is if they. If the Dodgers win, they'll have nine championships tied with the Boston Red Sox. And I think that that would make them tied for third. Who's in second? Paul? You know who it is because you guys always say something cunty whenever they win one. The New York Post.
- [117:46]
Jake the Snake
Second in World Series.
- [117:47]
Paul Verze
Yeah. National League team.
- [117:51]
Jake the Snake
Is it the Cardinals?
- [117:52]
Paul Verze
Yes.
- [117:53]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [117:53]
Paul Verze
And whenever they win one, they're like.
- [117:55]
Bill Burr
We still got 15 more. Big whoop.
- [118:00]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. Yes. Oh, you know, all of.
- [118:04]
Paul Verze
I know you don't write for the Post, but like.
- [118:06]
Jake the Snake
No, dude, Bill, you know me, I just want an. All I want is a Knicks championship. I want a Knicks championship. I want to be there with my family when the Knicks hoisted up. That's all I need. When that happens, dude, that's it. I put my hands up and I say, whatever else happens in this life, sports wise, that's it.
- [118:24]
Paul Verze
You know, Paul, when you used to say this in your 30s, I was like, this is gonna happen. Now you're in your 40s.
- [118:35]
Jake the Snake
Dude, I'm gonna call you like a drunk call somebody.
- [118:38]
Paul Verze
This is what I'm gonna tell you. Paul, I need you to start eating salads if you're gonna be around to increase the odds of seeing a Knicks champ. But you guys, you guys got a good squad though. No, no, we.
- [118:54]
Jake the Snake
We got a shot in the next two, three years. That's our window. But dude, I'm gonna call you up. But I've always love again.
- [119:03]
Bill Burr
You know.
- [119:03]
Jake the Snake
But I might not be like that because I saw Josh Adam Myers. I saw Josh Adam Myers when the Capitals won. And dude, he. It was bordering what we saw that guy from Argentina. Like, Josh Adam Myers was like. And I called Josh and I go, dude, was that. Or were you joking? Like, I didn't know. He goes, no, dude, emotions got over me and part of me was just like, that's a lot, dude. Just be like, did you see that guy when the Texas Rangers won? He was like in his mid to late 50s and he just goes. He goes. And his wife was recording.
- [119:43]
Bill Burr
What is it?
- [119:44]
Paul Verze
Is it the realization that it finally happened and it's over and whatever you don't like about your life still exists? I Think this championship didn't fix it.
- [119:54]
Jake the Snake
I think you were in that recliner or couch for so long saying negative shit, and I think when it finally happened, there was a part of you. But I think you're right. I think it's psychological about your life and your past. Seriously?
- [120:09]
Paul Verze
Yeah. I feel like people, the happier you are with your life, the. The more. The easier you can take a loss from the team that represents your city. And I just kind of feel, oh, that's not true. That isn't true. I can't say that, dude. I literally can't. I started watching this series, dude, and it just, like. It just gets in me, like, dude.
- [120:30]
Jake the Snake
You'Ve been all over it.
- [120:31]
Paul Verze
Game three. Game three. The fucking home plate umpire, I don't know what the Blue Jays did to him, but, dude, he was calling. He was calling these high strikes. Like, here's the top of the strike. It was like, here. Yeah, they had one that was so fucking, like, out high or outside, I can't remember. And the guy, like, delayed. It's like, boom. Thousand one, thousand 2003. And he goes, steve, right? Like Frank Deb. He did, like, the Frank Drebin thing. And Boba Shet was on first base. They thought it was the walk.
- [121:05]
Jake the Snake
I saw that.
- [121:06]
Paul Verze
So he starts going a second. Totally him. It's been. It's been like, what do you like better?
- [121:12]
Jake the Snake
What do you like better? The nonchalant. The nonchalant strike guy. The guy who goes like. Or do you like the guy that goes like, hey, which one is that?
- [121:21]
Paul Verze
It depends on whether my team threw a strike or not.
- [121:25]
Jake the Snake
I love the nonchalant guy. He just makes me laugh when he just goes, ball and then the other guy. And then when it's a strike, he.
- [121:31]
Paul Verze
Goes, hey, what about the explainer? Ball comes in. That's outside.
- [121:38]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [121:43]
Jake the Snake
All right, guys, we're on a tight.
- [121:44]
Paul Verze
Three more of those and he's on first base.
- [121:48]
Jake the Snake
Jake the Snake. What do you got for injury reports before we do these picks?
- [121:52]
Paul Verze
My man.
- [121:54]
Guest Analyst Jake
All right. How you doing?
- [121:55]
Jake the Snake
There he is. He's wearing his Dodger blue.
- [121:59]
Guest Analyst Jake
I represent even when we're losing, and I agree with you guys. I think.
- [122:03]
Jake the Snake
I think we win game six tomorrow.
- [122:05]
Guest Analyst Jake
And we're gonna lose game seven. That.
- [122:07]
Paul Verze
That's where I'm at currently.
- [122:08]
Jake the Snake
Jake, why do you sound like you're underwater?
- [122:10]
Paul Verze
I don't mean to.
- [122:11]
Guest Analyst Jake
Is my microphone not working?
- [122:12]
Jake the Snake
Hold on.
- [122:12]
Paul Verze
Yeah, it's like. It sounds like something's blocking it. Hold on.
- [122:15]
Guest Analyst Jake
But I see the problem.
- [122:19]
Paul Verze
Jake says Snake is troubleshooting right now.
- [122:22]
Jake the Snake
And Bill, you actually go first this week.
- [122:25]
Guest Analyst Jake
All right. Can you hear me now?
- [122:27]
Jake the Snake
Yes.
- [122:27]
Bill Burr
Yes.
- [122:28]
Guest Analyst Jake
Okay. Yeah. So represent team even when they're are losing or if they're winning. And I think you guys nailed it that we're gonna lose. We're gonna win game six with yo Yamamoto, and then we're gonna lose game seven.
- [122:41]
Paul Verze
You don't think it's anybody's game, Game seven?
- [122:44]
Jake the Snake
I mean.
- [122:44]
Guest Analyst Jake
Well, of course it is. You know, any. It can be, but the Dodgers offense has been very bad, and so is our bullpen. The starting pitching has kind of hid these problems because they've been so great, but, yeah, we just haven't really been hitting.
- [122:57]
Paul Verze
Well. Start game seven.
- [123:00]
Guest Analyst Jake
That's a good question. It could be Otani. What's that?
- [123:05]
Bill Burr
I said thank you, Jake.
- [123:08]
Guest Analyst Jake
Could be Ohtani. It could be glass. Now, those are probably the two that they'll go with that.
- [123:14]
Paul Verze
I feel like it's the game. It's game seven. It's the kitchen sink.
- [123:17]
Guest Analyst Jake
Totally.
- [123:18]
Paul Verze
Everyone's on a short leash.
- [123:20]
Jake the Snake
You all have on deck.
- [123:22]
Paul Verze
Yeah.
- [123:23]
Guest Analyst Jake
And, yeah, Mookie's the gonna be the key. He only has, like, I believe it's two or three hits this series, so we're gonna need him to turn it around. But he's awesome, so.
- [123:33]
Paul Verze
All right, I gotta bring something up that they said how Mookie Betts is the right fielder, and this year you needed him play him to play it shortstop. So he moves over to shortstop. He hasn't played there since, like, Little League, and he's up for a Gold Glove. So now he's trying to compare that. He goes, that's like some Tiger woods or some Kobe stuff. And I'm like, it's not Kobe. It is not. Kobe Bryant would not change positions for anybody. Tani was getting more attention than him. He would make the Dodgers choose between him and Ohtani.
- [124:09]
Jake the Snake
Like, enough already, dude. Mookie Betts. Mookie Betts is a monster.
- [124:14]
Bill Burr
How about.
- [124:14]
Jake the Snake
How about Ohtani bets and then Freddie Freeman? Back to back to back.
- [124:19]
Paul Verze
Freddie Freeman's one of the most clutch playoff. Oh, yeah, that. Me, myself and Irene. Fucking haircut comes up like a state trooper from the 80s and just smashes it over the fucking wall.
- [124:30]
Jake the Snake
I love Freddie Freeman. Great dude, too.
- [124:32]
Paul Verze
He also. Dude, that guy will shake off, like, a strikeout. Like, he just. He has that. He just. You see it? He just walks back to the dugout. You know, what do they say? Water off a duck's back doesn't bother him. And then just fucking goes up there, dude, I fell asleep. Top of the 18th inning. I watched the whole game and I was fighting it and I fucking fell asleep. And, you know, it's funny, I woke up to. My wife came downstairs and she cleaned because I had, like, some food and I mean, 18 innings, Paul. I mean, I look like I was a fucking bachelor by the. By the fifth thing, I had all these plates and shit. She came in, cleared everything out and just left me under the blanket. I kind of woke up, I said, oh, you weren't going to get me to come upstairs. She goes, no, you just look so peaceful.
- [125:16]
Jake the Snake
Oh, that's good.
- [125:17]
Bill Burr
That's nice.
- [125:17]
Paul Verze
That's one of the nicest things he ever said to me.
- [125:20]
Jake the Snake
Oh, dude, that just made me happy. All right, Jake, what we got to do these picks here, what are we.
- [125:28]
Paul Verze
Walking around in the background, Paul, like, whatever we talked about.
- [125:31]
Jake the Snake
That's my buddy Roger. I'm in the. I'm in a studio. They're setting up for my pod.
- [125:36]
Paul Verze
Oh, okay. Jesus Christ.
- [125:41]
Guest Analyst Jake
I'll go through it quickly. The good news is it's mostly good news. Lamar Jackson's finally back tonight against the Dolphins. So that's going to be really exciting. We got Jaden Daniels back for the Sunday night game against Seattle for the Commanders.
- [125:54]
Bill Burr
Okay.
- [125:56]
Guest Analyst Jake
Unfortunately, I'm sure you saw Paul, but Cam Scatter is going to be out for the rest of the year with that ankle injury. That was pretty, pretty gross. And, you know, hopefully he recovers.
- [126:05]
Jake the Snake
Shout out. Yeah, and shout out to big Dom security of the Philadelphia Eagles for going to the hospital and giving Cam Scaboo and his family and his friends the pizzas and cheese steaks. Just a class act. Just such an Italian, great thing to do, you know, for sure.
- [126:22]
Guest Analyst Jake
It was very nice of him.
- [126:24]
Jake the Snake
Just gave pizzas and cheese steaks and he's on the opposing team.
- [126:27]
Paul Verze
I mean, he's fattening them up because he can't do cardio right now. He knows what he's doing or he's.
- [126:32]
Jake the Snake
Or he's gonna say, hey, when you're a free agent, come to Philly.
- [126:37]
Paul Verze
Hey, Paul, if I learned anything from Italians, those cheesesteaks aren't free.
- [126:42]
Guest Analyst Jake
Everything.
- [126:43]
Paul Verze
It's gonna be a one time visit, if you know what I mean.
- [126:45]
Jake the Snake
All right, guys, it is time for our picks. Before we do the picks, we have to shout out our sponsor, of course. It's BetMGM, the best app, the best lines around. Go to your device and download the BETMGM app and use our code. It's very easy. It's Burr B U R R for anything better Podcast NFL Edition. Guys, you guys know how to do it? You put in as little as ten dollar deposit in for your first wager and if that wager loses, if you lose that, get $1,500 back in bonus bets. It's that simple. And we also have the first touchdown promotion, which is you pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown and you win. If they don't get the first touchdown, but in fact get the second touchdown, you get your cash back. It's that easy. Bet responsibly. Have a good time. Bill, you are on the clock with the first pick going into week number nine. Guys, we're done this in seven weeks, which is nuts.
- [127:39]
Bill Burr
Wow. Seven.
- [127:40]
Paul Verze
No, no, no, no. Because there's also a bi week. We're halfway through. This is the halfway point. Yeah, it's 18.
- [127:44]
Guest Analyst Jake
That's right.
- [127:45]
Paul Verze
Paul, don't take that week away from me, man.
- [127:47]
Bill Burr
I need it.
- [127:48]
Paul Verze
All right, I'm going to go conspiracy theory. In the beginning, I feel like the Bills. No, you, not me. Hopefully that happens.
- [127:59]
Bill Burr
What?
- [128:00]
Paul Verze
Hey, Paul. I'm going to go where I always go. That's what I should have said.
- [128:04]
Jake the Snake
There you go. Thank you.
- [128:05]
Paul Verze
Thank you for correcting me. I needed that. I think the Bills are a better team, I really do. But I just think the Chiefs make the fucking NFL more goddamn money and I got to give it to the NFL. They gave the Ravens and the Bills six weeks to become the storyline of the afc. They did not. And next thing you know, the refs put their hankies away and here come the fucking Chiefs. Oh, but then if the Bills win and then they meet in the playoffs, could the Chiefs avenge their loss? I was all in on the Chiefs -2 going into Buffalo on the fucking road.
- [128:47]
Bill Burr
What is it?
- [128:47]
Paul Verze
Is there some sort of injury out there?
- [128:50]
Guest Analyst Jake
No, everybody's healthy. Pacheco won't play for the Chiefs, but otherwise both teams are not playing.
- [128:56]
Bill Burr
All right, you know what?
- [128:58]
Paul Verze
I don't know why I'm going to.
- [128:59]
Jim Norton
Do this to myself, but I'm going.
- [129:00]
Bill Burr
To take the Bills.
- [129:01]
Jake the Snake
Okay?
- [129:02]
Paul Verze
I fucking had it. God damn it.
- [129:05]
Jake the Snake
You just took my pick.
- [129:07]
Paul Verze
Enough already. Plus two at home. Just enough already. Oh, my God. I just know they're gonna. He holds the ball.
- [129:22]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [129:22]
Jake the Snake
I like the pick. I was gonna pick.
- [129:24]
Paul Verze
I'm take the Bills. I just, I, I, I just, I.
- [129:27]
Bill Burr
Went with my heart.
- [129:28]
Paul Verze
I know the Chiefs are gonna win. I know they're gonna win. They going to be some sort of somebody's going to go like this to receiver.
- [129:37]
Jake the Snake
Who did the. Who did the Dolphins beat last week, Jake?
- [129:41]
Guest Analyst Jake
They beat Atlanta.
- [129:45]
Jake the Snake
Do I take the Dolphins getting over a touchdown tonight at home? Or. Or was that a fluke last week? That I.
- [129:52]
Paul Verze
Just a question, Paul. When do the Ravens show up? Please, how many times?
- [130:00]
Guest Analyst Jake
Great point.
- [130:01]
Bill Burr
When the.
- [130:01]
Paul Verze
Do they actually cover a goddamn. I'm not even talking about winning games. Talk about the spread. Yeah.
- [130:07]
Bill Burr
When the.
- [130:07]
Paul Verze
Did they do you a solid when.
- [130:09]
Guest Analyst Jake
They play a bad team?
- [130:12]
Paul Verze
God damn it, Jake. That just kicked me right in the chest right there.
- [130:18]
Jake the Snake
Oh, God.
- [130:19]
Paul Verze
Dolphins are at home. Seven and a half. Lamar Jackson coming back, though. Paul.
- [130:25]
Jake the Snake
Dude, these lines. These lines. Eight and a half. Seven and a half. Nine and a half, Paul.
- [130:31]
Paul Verze
It's like they have more knowledge than us and a computer.
- [130:34]
Jake the Snake
No, they've seen what I did the last few years.
- [130:41]
Bill Burr
Paul.
- [130:41]
Paul Verze
They got you on a wall like a mob family.
- [130:44]
Jake the Snake
I'm gonna take the Houston Texans.
- [130:47]
Guest Analyst Jake
I love it.
- [130:48]
Jake the Snake
One in at. Minus one and a half at home against the Broncos. The Texans looked good. I think this is where they turn things. I'm going to take the Texans minus one and a half. Almost to pick them. Almost to pick them. I'm going to take them at home.
- [131:02]
Paul Verze
All right. I'm going to ride with my Patriots. They just been winning. I would say, you know, the halftime adjustments the New England Patriots, Mike Brable, and all that coaching staff have been making this year. It's a tale of two half. Paul, how do you like that? Getting a little poetic here. Like, there's a lot of games we just have. It's close in the first half, and then in the second half we just pull away and, you know, we do, Paul. We cover the Patriots. Fucking cover. I'm taking him at home. Minus five and a half. I just love how we're spreading the ball around. I just feel like Drake made like three touchdowns, three different receivers.
- [131:46]
Jake the Snake
All right.
- [131:47]
Paul Verze
What I do need is Stefan Diggs. Whatever the fuck he tapped into when he played Buffalo, I need to see that again. I need to see that again. I want. I like if he did that every goddamn week. Dude, he did that every week.
- [132:02]
Jim Norton
Yeah.
- [132:03]
Paul Verze
Oh, my God.
- [132:04]
Jake the Snake
I like the pick. I'm gonna take the Jacksonville Jaguars. Come listen. This is it for me with them. So, Roger, I know you're a Jags fan.
- [132:14]
Paul Verze
This is it.
- [132:15]
Jake the Snake
This is like when your kid gets one more chance to. They don't get in trouble. This is it. I'm taking the Jags -3 against the Raiders. I think they're a better Team, I think that they have a better quarterback and they're coming off of a loss. I'm going to take Jacksonville -3 on the road in Las Vegas.
- [132:34]
Paul Verze
All right. I'm going to take the Vikings getting eight and a half going into Detroit. The division rivalry game. I think the Lions will be covering for most of the game and then they're going to get some sort of backdoor cover. It's just these fucking games, these division games, they never make sense.
- [132:52]
Guest Analyst Jake
Now it's a good take. J.J. mcCarthy is returning to for the Vikings.
- [132:58]
Jake the Snake
I like that.
- [132:59]
Bill Burr
I like that.
- [132:59]
Paul Verze
I like when Jake likes what I like because I know Jake has way more knowledge. Like I'm cheating off his math paper and I look over and he goes, that's the answer. I got two.
- [133:09]
Jake the Snake
Hey, Jake, why are the Giants only why are the Giants plus two and a half at home against the 49ers when we don't have Scatter Boo. We don't have neighbors. What's going on with the Niners? Any, any injuries?
- [133:22]
Guest Analyst Jake
I mean, they, they've. They don't have Nick Bosa and Fred Warner for the rest of the year. They've been dealing with a lot of injuries too. So it's kind of weird that they are favored, to be honest. But yeah, you can really go either way there. But that, that line kind of didn't make sense to me.
- [133:41]
Jake the Snake
Look, dude, I gotta play for keeps.
- [133:44]
Jim Norton
This is it.
- [133:45]
Jake the Snake
This is it. I'm gonna be at the game. I think you guys want to know what I'm doing. Oh, I'll tell. I just found you what I'm doing. I just found out that my, my guest on my new podcast is running late. So I could. I have. I have a quick story. Not story, but for the first time ever, Bill, I'm sure you've done this. Jake, I don't know if you've done this demos. I don't know if you'. But for the first. For the first time. Oh, hey, any. The first time. No, I never got a hooker, by the way. Well, no.
- [134:18]
Guest Analyst Jake
Gotta think about it.
- [134:20]
Paul Verze
I'm gonna do someone's. Some woman's reputation almost went over the side. You pulled her back in the boat the last second.
- [134:29]
Jake the Snake
I think I'm gonna take my family to Giants 49ers at 1 o'. Clock. We're gonna get in the car and go through the Lincoln Tunnel and we're gonna go see the knicks bulls at 7 o'.
- [134:39]
Bill Burr
Clock.
- [134:39]
Jake the Snake
Same day, two games going. Giants during the day. New York Knickerbockers at night. We'll be home, like, one in the morning after a long day, even if we're tired. Monday. Why the hell wouldn't I do that?
- [134:54]
Paul Verze
Dude? That's like, my dad did that.
- [134:57]
Bill Burr
I would be.
- [134:57]
Paul Verze
This is the greatest dad ever.
- [134:59]
Jake the Snake
Stacy's like, that's a long, big day. And I'm like, yes, it is. We're gonna do change of clothes. We'll get the Giants gear warm, then we go to inside the Knicks.
- [135:07]
Paul Verze
Why not? All right, now what are you gonna do for her? You gotta give her a spa day after that. She's a trooper.
- [135:15]
Jake the Snake
Dude, you want to know what's funny about Stacy? She gets there at MetLife Stadium. Come on, big blue. Play some D. Awesome. Like, starts. The first time, she said, let's go blue. Let's go blue. I was like, all right, dude, I knew. I knew. Hey, I knew I saw things. All right? Or is it my pick here?
- [135:40]
Paul Verze
Yeah.
- [135:41]
Bill Burr
Paul. Yeah.
- [135:41]
Paul Verze
I don't know what is with your camera. You're just. You're fading away. Like, back to the future.
- [135:46]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, I. I did this thing.
- [135:48]
Jim Norton
There we go.
- [135:49]
Jake the Snake
Should I do. What happened with the Steelers? Dude, they were winning. Everything was going good. Now they're playing the Colts.
- [135:56]
Paul Verze
Coming off a loss, they're at home.
- [135:59]
Jake the Snake
Daniel Jones. Daniel Jones looks so good. It's not. What are they, 7 and 1?
- [136:05]
Guest Analyst Jake
They're 7 and 1, dude.
- [136:07]
Paul Verze
Paul, he's standing back there like he's flying a kite, dude, Brushing his teeth. They got an amazing offensive line.
- [136:14]
Jake the Snake
Dude, he's brushing his teeth, but not even this way. He's getting them in the back.
- [136:17]
Paul Verze
He's got scratching his ass. Just. Who am I gonna throw it to?
- [136:22]
Jake the Snake
He's pointing.
- [136:23]
Bill Burr
Go over there.
- [136:23]
Paul Verze
Go over there.
- [136:24]
Bill Burr
Like, he's in the backyard.
- [136:26]
Paul Verze
He's out there playing catch.
- [136:27]
Bill Burr
Paul. No, no, this way, this way.
- [136:31]
Jake the Snake
Oh, man, it's. You know what? The Steelers just lost at home. Are they gonna lose two at home? They're both times plus three, Paul.
- [136:40]
Paul Verze
Aaron Rodgers. Is he gonna get schooled by this? Is he gonna. Is he gonna let.
- [136:43]
Bill Burr
I mean. No.
- [136:45]
Jake the Snake
You know what? I'm gonna take the Steelers. I don't think they lose two in a row at home. They're getting points. And let's be honest, the Colts need a little bit of a reality check. They need to come down, they need to get a loss. I'm gonna take the Steelers getting three at home. I can see that being a tie and me getting half a game, but I. I don't see Rogers and them losing two in a Row. Especially how they lost the last one. I'm gonna take the Steelers at home.
- [137:08]
Paul Verze
All right, this is my problem with Aaron Rodgers, okay? When the guy has a beard, he looks like an 1800s gunslinger. He looks like he's a fucking Duane.
- [137:18]
Bill Burr
Allman or some shit, right?
- [137:19]
Paul Verze
He shaves the beard off. He looks like a surprise witness in like a fucking mob trial or something. Like all of a sudden I just start seeing, like his eyes get all big, but he's got the fucking, you know, the beard. He looks like he's in the eagles in the 70s. And I believe in him. Clean shaven Aaron Rodgers scares me.
- [137:40]
Bill Burr
All right. I like it.
- [137:41]
Paul Verze
I'm just saying, that's just. Just my thing. He goes. He goes, Eli.
- [137:47]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [137:48]
Paul Verze
If he goes the other way, he goes Kenny Stabler. All right, I'm just.
- [137:52]
Bill Burr
What I'm really doing here is I'm.
- [137:54]
Paul Verze
Stalling because I don't have another fucking pick that's really jumping out at me. So I don't know why. Maybe because I want to watch a little Sunday Night Football. Dude, what the happened to the saints? Did. 14 point underdogs. I'm gonna. Saints will probably cover. I'm actually gonna take the Seahawks minus three. Wait, they're laying three going into D.C. and they're getting their quarterback back. Yeah, yeah, Jake. And that's the kind of thing that doesn't make any sense, does it?
- [138:30]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, when you go. Yeah, Jake, that's what. You know, we are grasping at straws this week.
- [138:34]
Paul Verze
No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, man, don't. Don'. I've been treading water here. I'm gonna take the Seahawks. I don't give a. Jake, let him not. Yeah, all right. You know, Jake, until you get something on those shelves behind you, I'm taking the Seahawks.
- [138:54]
Jake the Snake
All right, I got one.
- [138:54]
Paul Verze
He doesn't have any knickknacks, Paul. We gotta get this kid some knickknacks.
- [138:58]
Guest Analyst Jake
Yeah, they're on my desk.
- [139:00]
Paul Verze
Oh, you know what it is, dude? You're. You're out there in your slaying it, and you're not letting her bring any of her over because you've been there. Somewhere along the line. You realize, man, that you got the same genetics as Mac Davis. You look like a modern day Mac Davis, right?
- [139:18]
Jake the Snake
Yes.
- [139:19]
Paul Verze
Baby, baby, don't you give. What is it?
- [139:21]
Bill Burr
Baby, baby, don't you. Baby, baby.
- [139:24]
Jake the Snake
All right, so I got the Jags.
- [139:26]
Paul Verze
Because I'm just gonna love you.
- [139:27]
Bill Burr
And set.
- [139:28]
Paul Verze
You don't get hooked on me.
- [139:31]
Guest Analyst Jake
You know what's Nice. I see my future with you. With you, actually, Bill, because one day I won't have all this hair. I can grow the beard and go and go with the bald look.
- [139:39]
Paul Verze
We're gonna send you to Turkey just for the show.
- [139:44]
Jake the Snake
We're gonna send you because it's early enough. It's early enough. We can see it coming. We'll get ahead of it.
- [139:53]
Guest Analyst Jake
I know I'm doing all right, but I know it's on the horizon.
- [139:55]
Bill Burr
There he is.
- [139:55]
Paul Verze
Matt Davis. I'm telling you, that's Jake the Snake right there.
- [139:58]
Bill Burr
Not the old guy, the young guy.
- [140:01]
Jake the Snake
All right, my.
- [140:03]
Paul Verze
Very.
- [140:05]
Bill Burr
Well.
- [140:07]
Guest Analyst Jake
If I see it.
- [140:09]
Bill Burr
You know, it's funny.
- [140:09]
Paul Verze
He's probably like 28 in that photo.
- [140:11]
Jake the Snake
Dude, that's Brady.
- [140:16]
Paul Verze
He literally had a song. And women would, like, they would swoon to it. Baby, baby, don't you give up on me Because I'm just going to love you and set you free. I'm just banging you, sweetheart.
- [140:27]
Jake the Snake
Oh, my God.
- [140:28]
Paul Verze
That was the working title for was the 70s.
- [140:32]
Guest Analyst Jake
That's romance.
- [140:35]
Paul Verze
It all made sense back then.
- [140:37]
Guest Analyst Jake
You guys pick for each or.
- [140:39]
Paul Verze
No, I gotta pick my fourth.
- [140:40]
Jake the Snake
I gotta go one more. I can't do it.
- [140:44]
Paul Verze
Come on, Paulie, you can do it.
- [140:46]
Bill Burr
I don't.
- [140:46]
Jake the Snake
I can't. I was thinking Giants. I don't know. Dude, do it.
- [140:50]
Paul Verze
Oh, you're going to be there with your family.
- [140:53]
Jake the Snake
Is that. Yeah, like, so I shouldn't be. You know what?
- [140:57]
Paul Verze
I'm projecting.
- [141:01]
Bill Burr
I thought dad was happy to go to two games in one day. What happened?
- [141:06]
Jake the Snake
Should I do it? Should I take the Cowboys over? Should I take the Cowboys at home over the Cardinals? It's kind of their season, isn't it?
- [141:15]
Paul Verze
Yeah.
- [141:16]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [141:16]
Guest Analyst Jake
For the Cowboys. For, for both, but definitely the Cowboys.
- [141:21]
Jake the Snake
All right. I'm gonna take the Cowboys Monday Night Football. They gotta win by three at home or they're pretty much done against the Cardinals. I, I, I could, I could, I could sleep with that. So that's what I'm just out of.
- [141:33]
Paul Verze
Just for my own sanity. The top of this podcast.
- [141:38]
Jake the Snake
I know.
- [141:40]
Jim Norton
Okay.
- [141:40]
Jake the Snake
But I didn't see the Cardinals, and I think that, you know, I, I gotta say.
- [141:46]
Paul Verze
Murray playing.
- [141:47]
Guest Analyst Jake
We don't know yet.
- [141:49]
Paul Verze
What is this?
- [141:49]
Bill Burr
We don't know yet.
- [141:52]
Jake the Snake
They.
- [141:53]
Guest Analyst Jake
Because it's still early in the week they have. They don't announce it officially until Friday and sometimes Saturday, certain games.
- [141:59]
Paul Verze
This is the league colluding with Vegas to this podcast. It didn't happen last year.
- [142:06]
Bill Burr
You know what?
- [142:06]
Paul Verze
NF Paulie win again.
- [142:08]
Bill Burr
I.
- [142:08]
Jake the Snake
Listen, I picked. I Picked the Cowboys over the Broncos because they were getting points, but the Broncos were clearly a superior team. I don't know. That's the case with the Cardinals. I know I started this show saying I don't trust them and they stink. It's minus. It's almost. It's less than a field goal. I'm gonna take it. That's my four. There you go. And, Bill, it's time to sing.
- [142:30]
Paul Verze
Oh. All right, everybody. Here we go. Let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. Let the Monday Night Special with the money for you.
- [142:44]
Jake the Snake
All right, Bill, are we gonna go with the Cowboys to. Do you like the Cowboys minus two.
- [142:49]
Bill Burr
And a half at.
- [142:50]
Paul Verze
I like the Cowboys cheerleaders. I don't like their ownership.
- [142:58]
Jake the Snake
It's a good take. Yeah.
- [143:02]
Paul Verze
You know, I think we're gonna see disrespecting them. Paul - two and a half at home. They're disrespecting them.
- [143:10]
Jake the Snake
Disrespecting them. CD Lamb is back. Great receiver. Dak is. Other than a couple games, Dak is playing pretty decent. I. I think. I think we go. Dak to throw one. CD to catch one and Cowboys to. Not Moneyline. Cowboys to cover. That's my thing. You guys tell me what you don't.
- [143:28]
Paul Verze
I liked everything until not money line.
- [143:31]
Guest Analyst Jake
I like the money line.
- [143:32]
Bill Burr
I like the money line. Okay.
- [143:34]
Guest Analyst Jake
I like Zach for sure. To throw on. I think this is gonna be a lot of points. So if, you know, you can even look how. What's the over?
- [143:42]
Jake the Snake
Under?
- [143:42]
Guest Analyst Jake
That's 50.
- [143:44]
Jake the Snake
Wow.
- [143:44]
Guest Analyst Jake
Two and a half. That's a big number. But, I mean, we could look at something like that.
- [143:49]
Paul Verze
I think that, you know, 52 and a half, big number and then a little spread. So they're just saying there's going to be no defense in this game.
- [143:57]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, they're saying. They're saying shootout. They're saying shootout and whoever has it last. That's what they're saying.
- [144:03]
Guest Analyst Jake
Yeah, I saw that Cowboy Bronco game. I mean, kept the Cowboys defense is very bad.
- [144:07]
Paul Verze
Very bad.
- [144:10]
Bill Burr
Jesus, Jake.
- [144:10]
Jake the Snake
I mean, you're making me.
- [144:12]
Guest Analyst Jake
Well, I took it, too. Frustration.
- [144:15]
Jake the Snake
What's the. What's the Cardinals record, Jake?
- [144:18]
Guest Analyst Jake
I think they're 2 and 4. I. I don't have it on hand.
- [144:22]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, they're.
- [144:22]
Bill Burr
They're.
- [144:23]
Guest Analyst Jake
They're not very good.
- [144:24]
Jake the Snake
New coach Rich Gannon's son is the coach.
- [144:27]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [144:30]
Jake the Snake
You like CD to catch one? I do.
- [144:32]
Bill Burr
He's.
- [144:32]
Jake the Snake
He's Dax.
- [144:33]
Jim Norton
Go to.
- [144:34]
Bill Burr
They're.
- [144:35]
Guest Analyst Jake
That's a good one.
- [144:36]
Jake the Snake
They're two and cardinals are two and five.
- [144:37]
Guest Analyst Jake
And it's 53 and a half.
- [144:39]
Bill Burr
I knew.
- [144:40]
Guest Analyst Jake
I knew it.
- [144:40]
Jim Norton
Two and a half.
- [144:41]
Jake the Snake
53 and a half is high number.
- [144:43]
Paul Verze
Oh, wow.
- [144:45]
Guest Analyst Jake
That is really high. Maybe we just to stay away from the total and just take Cowboys.
- [144:48]
Paul Verze
Yeah, I, I don't like. I don't like that number.
- [144:50]
Jake the Snake
53 and a half is. Is. Yeah. They're not counting on defense. Let's do Cowboys to win. Dak to throw one, to CD Lamb to catch one.
- [145:00]
Guest Analyst Jake
Yeah, I, I like it.
- [145:03]
Paul Verze
Cowboys. Are we just going to do the.
- [145:04]
Bill Burr
Two and a half?
- [145:05]
Jake the Snake
The odds will be better. They'll win more money if we do the two and a half.
- [145:11]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [145:11]
Paul Verze
Because we're opening the door to losing. All right, let's it. We'll do it against the spread. Okay.
- [145:19]
Jake the Snake
Cowboys gonna win this game. Cowboy's gonna win this game. I feel it. I think so. They have to.
- [145:26]
Bill Burr
They do.
- [145:26]
Guest Analyst Jake
And they're the better. They are the better team than Arizona.
- [145:29]
Jake the Snake
I think so. And they got. They got pretty beat up bad. They got a little embarrassed. You know, that building has not been fun this week for them. That's what I learned about the NFL. Do you know that. That they say when a team loses especially bad. It's like the building is brutal. They're like. It's like they just want to wash it out. So there we go. That's what we're gonna do. Yeah.
- [145:50]
Bill Burr
That was all right.
- [145:51]
Jake the Snake
I Bill, I gotta be honest with you. I, I think the. I think. And I know what you're gonna say. Don't jinx me. I think the Vikings get an eight and a half. I I, that's the game. And that's as. That's gotta be. If that's not a win, my name ain't Paul T. Verze.
- [146:05]
Paul Verze
Don't. Don't listen. Don't do that to my bets.
- [146:07]
Jake the Snake
I love the pick and I wanted the Bills.
- [146:10]
Guest Analyst Jake
What were you thinking of? Yeah, what were you thinking about?
- [146:11]
Paul Verze
The whole show? I didn't bring up the fact that you dressed like Elmer Fudd today. I didn't bring that up. The whole fucking show. And then what are you doing one.
- [146:20]
Jake the Snake
Day out of the fall? I go red and black. Lumberjack.
- [146:22]
Bill Burr
I like it.
- [146:23]
Paul Verze
Paul, you look like you're up there hunting pheasants. Get some quail eggs out back. Yeah. Hunting wabbits.
- [146:32]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [146:33]
Jake the Snake
I think the, the game of the week this week is Bill's Chiefs. That's the. That's the one to. That's the one to watch.
- [146:39]
Paul Verze
Paul, can you put on the Matching hat, please.
- [146:42]
Jake the Snake
I wish I had it. I. I literally. Dude, I wish. Even with the ear flaps. Ear flaps with the fur.
- [146:53]
Paul Verze
That's what Ed Geem wore.
- [146:56]
Jake the Snake
I. Dude, I know he wasn't out.
- [146:58]
Paul Verze
There looking like he was on the. What do they call it? The surprise singer.
- [147:03]
Jake the Snake
Dude, one of the funniest things in that series.
- [147:06]
Paul Verze
One singer.
- [147:09]
Jake the Snake
I don't. No, no. Spoiler alert here.
- [147:11]
Paul Verze
How the did they sell that show, Paul?
- [147:13]
Jake the Snake
What?
- [147:14]
Paul Verze
The mad singer.
- [147:15]
Jake the Snake
Oh, I know, I know, I know.
- [147:18]
Paul Verze
We take a famous singer, we're gonna put him in a mask, and then he's gonna come out going tiptoe through the tulips. Who is it? He's singing in falsetto. Is that Ozzy Osborne?
- [147:30]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, it's like a butterfly takes its head off. And it was Rudy Giuliani. It's like, get the out of here.
- [147:40]
Paul Verze
People. Watch it, Paul.
- [147:44]
Jake the Snake
Rudy Giuliani dressed like a. Anyway, dude, the one of the funniest things was Ed Gein had that, like, oh, how are you, ma'? Am? Like that. Well, that's what they did in the movie. Even though in real life his voice wasn't that high. So that. That Charlie Hunt hunting, he kind of went high pitch. So, dude, there's a scene, spoiler alert. Where the woman that he killed from the hardware store, he. He hung. And he was like the cop's mother. So the detective goes there and goes, where's my mom? He's looking and he's, like, in denial. He's like, she can't be here. She's not here. There's not there. Her body parts aren't here. And then all of a sudden, he's like, the shed, the barn. And he runs in, and, dude, the mother is hanging upside down, decapitated, gutted like a deer, all these things. And he just screams, screams. And Ed Gein comes home, and all the cops are there, and he's looking around. He goes, what's going on here?
- [148:36]
Bill Burr
Right?
- [148:37]
Jake the Snake
The guy just runs out of the barn, grabs him, and starts beating the out of him.
- [148:42]
Jim Norton
What did you do?
- [148:43]
Jake the Snake
Hitting him, bleeding. And Ed Ged's going, oh, this is uncalled for. It was the craziest, dude. He's like, was still being that, like, Wisconsin, what'd you do that for? And I was just like, oh, geez.
- [148:57]
Bill Burr
Oh, geez.
- [148:58]
Jake the Snake
What did you. That was uncalled for.
- [149:01]
Paul Verze
I wanted a human ear sandwich. You know, you get cravings.
- [149:08]
Jake the Snake
Me and Jim Norton were going.
- [149:09]
Paul Verze
Netflix is going hard with sort of serial killer origin stories and let's take another look at them. Are they bad people, dude, or are they more interesting? I don't watch any of that shit. My wife had on this show. Great neighbor or something like that. It is the most fucked up thing I've ever watched in my life because it's actual body cam footage. And I'm literally just, oh, I saw that.
- [149:38]
Jake the Snake
I saw that, dude. It was so heartbreaking to see the kids cry. And, dude, there's a scene in the Ed Gein thing where people are like, it's gonna disturb you. And I'm like, I watch all this.
- [149:46]
Paul Verze
They should give that the death penalty.
- [149:49]
Jake the Snake
They should.
- [149:50]
Paul Verze
They should kill her. She went there. She wanted to shoot. The kids were just playing, dude. She was bullying children. And then she shoots somebody through a locked door, dude, seeing those lying, crying, she was.
- [150:06]
Bill Burr
She was.
- [150:06]
Paul Verze
She was, dude. Like, I. I watched it. I was heartbroken, and I was furious. And it's just like, why am I watching this before I go to bed? There's nothing I can do to help those kids. Nothing to do to bring that mother back. The whole. It's just fucking horrible.
- [150:21]
Jake the Snake
I. I feel the same way when I saw that. And I love when she got the sentence for life and she just kind of knew. She just was like, okay, like, she's a piece of. And she lied, and the cops caught her in a lie, and she's like, I can't do this. I can't do this. She's like, you're gonna stand up. I love when the cops treated her like that. Dude, there's a scene in Ed Gein that I actually turned away to the point where I just went like this. I swear to God, I went like this. And then I just started looking at my phone.
- [150:46]
Paul Verze
Was he doing the Risky Business dance in his tighty whities?
- [150:49]
Jake the Snake
No, he was having sex with a dead body. No, dude, he was having sex with a dead body. And he, like, pulled the panties down and just, like, put his pants down. And I'm going, dude, what's the World Series? I just couldn't do it, dude. It was just like, Netflix.
- [151:04]
Paul Verze
He draws the line. It reenacted necrophilia. I knew there was a reason I hung out with you.
- [151:10]
Jake the Snake
Paul, listen.
- [151:12]
Paul Verze
Just that dead body on the couch.
- [151:17]
Jake the Snake
Oh, she was on, like, the kitchen table.
- [151:18]
Paul Verze
Take out your dick. Stick it in its mouth. What the am I doing here?
- [151:28]
Jake the Snake
And then his girlfriend comes home, and.
- [151:30]
Paul Verze
He likes with the chainsaw, dude, his.
- [151:36]
Jake the Snake
His girlfriend comes home and he starts to be intimate with her, and he goes, I don't know how to.
- [151:40]
Paul Verze
I don't want to hear this, Paul.
- [151:41]
Jake the Snake
Because you're too warm. He put her in an ice bath.
- [151:46]
Bill Burr
Horrible.
- [151:47]
Jake the Snake
Anyways.
- [151:49]
Bill Burr
Guys, that's the show.
- [151:51]
Paul Verze
He put her in an ice bath before this. You know what's the weirdest thing is they're making up most of that. I guarantee you.
- [151:57]
Jake the Snake
Dude, I just did Sam Roberts show on Serious. All of it is not. They tried to act like he helped catch Ted Bundy. He didn't. He didn't talk like that. He didn't kill the amount of people Netflix said he killed.
- [152:08]
Paul Verze
And every award show Hollywood is wagging their fingers at other states how they need to do better. It's like you're making Ed Gein like a fucking. They should put him on the Masked Singer. Bill, when you did this for Ed.
- [152:23]
Jake the Snake
Gein, I was picturing Patrick Mahomes. Get the body. Get the body, dude.
- [152:31]
Paul Verze
Netflix, it's becoming the serial killer channel.
- [152:34]
Jake the Snake
It's nuts.
- [152:36]
Guest Analyst Jake
People are watching.
- [152:37]
Jake the Snake
No, Ted Bundy's next.
- [152:38]
Bill Burr
It's called.
- [152:39]
Paul Verze
I hate that reasoning. People are watching. Yeah, people are dumb. Help them get smarter. I just said help them get smarter. That's how dumb I am. People smart.
- [152:53]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, dude, Law and Order has been on for 40 years. People love that, man.
- [152:58]
Paul Verze
My favorite Law and Order is Special Victims. What do you want to watch? Rapes every week.
- [153:04]
Guest Analyst Jake
My favorite was the episode you were in, Bill.
- [153:08]
Paul Verze
Oh, what one was that? Oh, that was the original Law and Order. Yeah, I remember my grandmother was still alive. She called me up and she made fun of me because I only had a couple of lines. She goes, you're swimming with the fish. Oh, my mistake. It was Ed D. Spoiler alert. I come. Oh, this is the best part. Here's some behind the fucking Music shit about that. When they dressed me, they wanted me to be a creep because I was out, like, jogging or something, and I'm hitting on what I think is a woman under the Brooklyn Bridge. So the wardrobe lady was all excited. They had a jacket or a vest. She goes, this is the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. And she goes, would you wear this? I go, I love it. Yeah, let's do it. It was like fucking pea soup green with a shit brown stripe and a yellow or something. So I wear the thing. And then like a week later, I still remember where I was. I was like, on 9th Avenue and 18th street, and I saw a real person walking down wearing the. Wearing the same jacket.
- [154:20]
Jake the Snake
That's great. That's great.
- [154:24]
Paul Verze
Anyway, so there you go, Paul.
- [154:26]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, there you go, guys. Yeah. Watch the World Series instead of all this horrible stuff.
- [154:31]
Paul Verze
And he reimagined rock Star Chainsaw Cocked Maroons 5 guy. Honey, he's out there helping people.
- [154:43]
Jake the Snake
There's something about being holding a chainsaw in a brassiere that's just nuts, all right?
- [154:49]
Paul Verze
I would think if you did that, if you caught yourself in the mirror, you would have to be like, all.
- [154:54]
Bill Burr
Right, what am I doing?
- [154:57]
Paul Verze
This is even too much for me. All right, Should I get rid of the chainsaw or the brassiere? You know, they say that. They always say that with women. Before we go out of the house, take one thing off. He just puts his head down and an axe.
- [155:14]
Jake the Snake
I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry. There you go, guys. Monday night special, we got the Cowboys minus two and a half Dak Prescott to throw one, CD Lamb to catch one. You have our picks going into the week. Download the app, use our code Burr B U R R Very easy. And put as little as $10 in the account for your first wager. If you lose, you'll get $1,500 back in bonus bets. First touchdown. You pick any player to get a first touchdown in any NFL game, you win. If you don't, you win your stack back. Everybody. So there. Oh, no.
- [155:49]
Paul Verze
If they.
- [155:49]
Jake the Snake
If they don't get the first touchdown but get the second, you get your cash back. There you go. Those are our picks. Check it out.
- [155:55]
Paul Verze
I got one for you real quickly.
- [155:57]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [155:57]
Bill Burr
Sketch.
- [155:58]
Paul Verze
You ever been to an AA meeting? Yeah, I've been at AAA meeting. It was part of, like, when I got arrested for drinking, driving, you had to go and, like, stories that these guys had.
- [156:07]
Jake the Snake
Oh, I know.
- [156:08]
Paul Verze
And every time they would tell a story, you'd think, okay, that was his bottom. And I kept fucking drinking. Or I kept using. They should do that sketch with, like, serial killers.
- [156:17]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [156:20]
Paul Verze
I'm a dead body and I'm holding a miter saw, and I'm thinking, like, what the am I doing? And the next day. The next day, I'm shoving a cow's.
- [156:31]
Bill Burr
Head into this cadaver's ass.
- [156:34]
Paul Verze
And everybody in the crowd is like.
- [156:39]
Jake the Snake
He's like, I said it was the last time. And then I went to the diner, and the waitress just looked at me, and I just. I had to. You know, everyone's going, oh, I know, I know.
- [156:49]
Paul Verze
And the whole family is crying, screaming, saying, how could you do this?
- [156:52]
Bill Burr
And I didn't even understand the question. So how do I Get rid of my victims. I guess I gotta eat them.
- [157:08]
Paul Verze
You can't hear your Paul. I think it came unplugged. Plug it in.
- [157:14]
Jake the Snake
How about now?
- [157:15]
Guest Analyst Jake
Yeah, yeah.
- [157:15]
Jake the Snake
There you are, dude. The leader of the AA meeting, the head, was this older guy and he would tell stories about how he would get so hammered in New York City that he would end up in Italy and he would end up in London. This dude would black out, go to the airport, pass out on an airplane, dude. And he would wake up in Europe and me and my boy would just go, hey, that's a buzz, all right.
- [157:38]
Paul Verze
That guy's got money. Yeah, exactly.
- [157:41]
Jake the Snake
He would get blackout drunk and just end up in Italy and just be.
- [157:43]
Paul Verze
I know people that would get on a train and end up in Albany. Like, that's the level of person. I was drinking.
- [157:53]
Jake the Snake
I got nervous being in my friend's house, let alone being in Italy.
- [158:00]
Paul Verze
Was this AAA meeting down on Wall street where the was this dude.
- [158:05]
Bill Burr
He.
- [158:05]
Jake the Snake
That was his thing, though. That was his MO Travel. So he would just get black.
- [158:08]
Paul Verze
I would wake up and I would be in Epstein island with like a 12 year old. I'm just like, you know those guys that. God, I'll tell you what, where am I? I'm going to Italy tonight.
- [158:17]
Jake the Snake
Saying people like, yeah, sure, you're the.
- [158:19]
Paul Verze
Only thing I will watch me. And also back then, you could be that hammered and get on a fucking plane.
- [158:29]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [158:30]
Paul Verze
And everyone was all right with it.
- [158:32]
Jake the Snake
You could smoke cigarettes and shit.
- [158:34]
Paul Verze
Oh, real quick, dude. I know you gotta go. My favorite thing in trains, planes and automobiles is when John Candy crosses his legs on the plane and he takes his shoes off. He just looks, he goes, oh, oh. The way he takes his sock off when it's rolled up.
- [158:51]
Bill Burr
Oh.
- [158:52]
Jake the Snake
He goes, my dogs are barking.
- [158:54]
Paul Verze
My dog could bark.
- [158:57]
Jake the Snake
I. Dude, I heard his doc is unbelievable.
- [158:59]
Paul Verze
I gotta watch. I saw it.
- [159:00]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [159:01]
Paul Verze
Colin Hanks crushed it. And I have to tell you, that Ben Stiller one about his parents.
- [159:07]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [159:09]
Paul Verze
Is unbelievable. That one is like. I don't even know what to say about that one. That one is just like.
- [159:15]
Bill Burr
It's literally.
- [159:16]
Paul Verze
It's life.
- [159:17]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [159:17]
Paul Verze
It's incredible. And just how he's able to look back when he was a kid and some of the things that he liked, didn't like. He like owns up to, like, stuff. Like his kids are going, yeah, you know, you did those movies, you weren't around. And he goes, you're right, you're right. He goes, I feel like in a lot of ways I made more mistakes than my dad, like, he's really, like, present. And his kids are, like, cool, dude. His daughter's hilarious. Hilarious.
- [159:45]
Jake the Snake
All right, guys, I gotta run. Dude, check out those docs. Enjoy football. Bet responsibly. We'll see you next week. And take care.
- [159:59]
Bill Burr
Of.