Island Politics, Meaning of Life, Gibberish | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-12-26

Summary

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Monday Morning Podcast

Episode: Island Politics, Meaning of Life, Gibberish | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-12-26
Host: Bill Burr
Date: February 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, comedian Bill Burr delivers quintessential rants on a wide range of topics—from absurd workplace dynamics, sports recaps and fandom, to the politics of language, white supremacy, and the notorious "island" shenanigans of the elite. The show balances Burr's sharp observational humor with moments of real-life reflection, relationship advice, and a lively sports history conversation. Special guest Kevin Shea joins for an extended segment, contributing to a candid (and hilarious) dialogue about breakups, sports culture, and the universal struggle of honesty in relationships.

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Main Themes

• Work life cynicism and weekend anticipation
• Race, language, and white supremacy in popular culture
• Political hypocrisy and the allure of ‘islands’
• Pain and joy of sports fandom
• Parental pride and the mysteries of multiplication tables
• The meaning of life and religion
• Relationship honesty, advice, and the misery of breakups
• Cultural quirks in American cities (Philly cheesesteak and clam chowder, anyone?)

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Key Discussion Points

Workweek Irony & American Office Life

• Weekend Anticipation:
  • Bill jokes about how it takes three days to plot killing your boss—hence only getting two days off.

    "It takes at least three days to come up with the perfect plan to murder your boss." (00:44)

• The Divide and Conquer of Corporate America:
  • One friend gets promoted while the rest are left behind, thwarting the grand plan—work’s own Hunger Games.

The Language of Supremacy and Gibberish

• Super Bowl Halftime Show Controversy:
  • Burr rails against a pundit who called the (presumably Spanish or non-English) halftime show "15 minutes of gibberish."

    “Who just dismisses a whole language, an entire race of people, just—that’s gibberish. Why? Because you don't understand it?” (03:17) “That is one of the dumbest things I think anybody's ever said.” (20:31)

• Reflection on White Supremacy:
  • Bill analyzes how English privilege is tied to supremacist thinking, noting his own upbringing and later realization:

    “When you travel, you go, ‘oh, now I get it. We’re the idiots.’” (03:49) “I was in the bubble of the English setup over here... that English was the only language that mattered.” (03:56)

Island Politics, Conspiracies, and Power

• Politicians, False Outrage, and Private Islands:
  • Hypocrisy: politicians lament for "the children" during controversies while disregarding children's wellbeing in much graver matters (Epstein Island, wars, pharmaceuticals, etc.).

    “Politicians care about the children? You know, where do you start with that? Food supply, pharmaceuticals, False flag wars, Epstein Island?” (04:57)

  • The allure of power is painted with comedic imagery of politicians getting aroused by their own privilege (“the dick's starting to fill up”) when flying private to secret meetings on Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket. (05:24)

    “As long as you get your house on Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket. These politicians, I don’t know, blue or red, they love an island.” (05:15) "If you’re flying private with a bunch of other white men in suits and you’re going to an island, nothing good for humanity is about to happen." (33:06)

Sports: Fandom, Rants & Pain

• NFL & Super Bowl Recap:
  • Salutes to both Seahawks and Patriots.
  • Laments about the cycle where, after a big win, coaches and players get poached (06:46).
• Bruins Hockey Analysis:
  • Frustration with the team's penchant for penalties and squandering leads.

    “We're addicted to being a man down.” (07:59) “That last five minutes was the biggest bonehead hockey I've seen in a long time.” (08:06)

• Olympic/International Hockey:
  • Discussion of USA, Canada, Chechnya (for David Pastrňák), with banter about American and Canadian inferiority/superiority complexes. (22:01–23:43)
• Sports History Deep Dive (w/ Kevin Shea):
  • Entertaining, stat-nerdy discussion about NFL and Super Bowls, the evolution of football, and histories of heartbreak and victory in Boston, Philly, and San Francisco fandoms (43:40–80:37).

Family, Parenting & Mathematical Mysticism

• Teaching Kids Math:
  • Bill helps his daughter with multiplication tables, reminisces about Schoolhouse Rock ("Number Nine," 10:27), and marvels at mathematical patterns.

    "It's literally like teaching them how to ride a bike. And it's a really exciting thing as a parent to teach your kids multiplication and division." (15:03)

  • Muses on mystical properties of numbers and the argument for a designer, while mocking the certitude of atheists and believers alike (11:10–12:10).

The Meaning of Life & Religion

• Burr’s Spiritual Philosophy:
  • Expresses agnostic/apatheistic sentiments, skeptical of afterlife dogmas.

    "I just think this is what it is... There's joy, there's heartbreak... there's pure evil... suffering, privilege...it just is what it is." (12:15)

  • Points out hypocrisy of religious leaders not acting as if they truly fear divine retribution:

    "If there was really a punishment afterlife, I don't see anybody in a position of power in these churches... even remotely behaving like they're worried about being punished after this life." (13:10)

Honest Relationships, Breaking Up, and Adulting

• Advice Segment:
  • The hosts address a listener's question about cheating, breakups, and whether a friend should admit infidelity.

    “If you're a real fucking friend, you wouldn't judge her…once you get past the pain, she did you a favor.” (95:08)

• Old School Breakup Strategies:
  • Stories about clean breaks, emotional timing, and the pain of dragging things out.

    “There should be a fucking course on how to break up in high school. In high school, they should teach young people how to do it." (96:24)

• Male Emotional Numbness:
  • Both hosts reflect on the emotional aftermath of relationships, admitting to being "numb" after so many breakups. (100:39)
• Adulting, Marriage, and Marriage-Aversion:
  • Bill reflects on the positives of marriage and shares gratitude for his wife Nia; Kevin jokes about his skepticism on ever tying the knot. (101:23–101:53)

Other Highlights & Memorable Moments

• Product Placement with Pessimism:
  • Bill delivers an ad read for supplements while roasting the lack of regulation and general trust in the category, to hilarious effect:

    "Dude, these people are terrorists. How is anything that you're going to ingest be a low regulation space?" (24:25)

• Painful Olympic Moments:
  • Details gory Olympic accidents in skiing, blending admiration for athlete toughness with trademark comic exaggerations. (27:42+)
• Cultural Quirks:
  • Riffs on how Philly’s obsession with “ordering cheesesteaks the right way” is as unnecessary as Boston’s clam chowder snobbery. (71:43+)
• Relationship Compromises:
  • How small negotiations (“You drive so I can drink at brunch...”) are key to happy romantic coexistence. (104:48+)
• The Importance of Saying No:
  • The hosts champion the value of honesty and healthy boundaries—whether it’s skipping a ‘20s theme party or resisting the brunch-industrial complex.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On Weekend vs. Work:

  “It takes at least three days to come up with the perfect plan to murder your boss.” – Bill (00:44)

• On Language Dismissal:

  “Who just dismisses a whole language, an entire race of people, just—that’s gibberish. Why? Because you don’t understand it?” – Bill (03:17)

• On the Allure of Power:

  “That’s like me…the first time I got to work at an improv. For a politician, it’s the first time they’re going to some secret meeting on an island..." – Bill (05:24)

• On American Fandom:

  “I appreciate a beatdown. It's the last second ones that crush you..." – Bill (06:07)

  “If you’re flying private with a bunch of other white men in suits and you’re going to an island, nothing good for humanity is about to happen.” – Bill (33:06)

• On Parenting:

  "It's literally like teaching them how to ride a bike... multiplication and division is something you do every single day..." – Bill (15:03)

• On The Meaning of Life:

  “I just think this is what it is. I think you come down here and you get the full experience. There's joy, there's heartbreak...unconditional love, pure evil... It just is what it is.” – Bill (12:15)

• On Relationship Honesty:

  “If you're a real fucking friend, you wouldn't judge her. Once you get past the pain, she did you a favor.” – Bill (95:08)

• On Standing His Ground:

  “I’m not going fucking down there dressed like Charlie Chaplin...I want to watch this game. I don’t want to fucking do this.” – Bill (104:33)

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Guest Segment: Kevin Shea Joins (approx 33:47–106:55)

Highlights

• Super Bowl & Sports History: In-depth and delightfully opinionated conversation about legacy, heartbreak, and why NFL title counts should (or shouldn't) matter.
• Eagles Super Bowl Reflections: Kevin on the emotions of a lifelong Eagles fan finally reaching the mountaintop; Bill relates with Boston’s once-hapless sports experience.
• Breakups & Honesty: Both share advice and war stories about ending relationships, agreeing that clean breaks and upfront honesty—while painful—are essential.
• City Stereotypes & Food Rants: The two riff about regional quirks—Philly’s “whiz wit” cheesesteak code, New England’s chowder pride, and why those things mean less than people think.
• The Value of Saying No & Adult Social Compromises: Amusing tales of negotiating with partners to maintain sanity, and standing up for what you want (even if it means skipping a theme party).
• Why (Not) Get Married: Heartfelt, funny, and straight-shooting thoughts on marriage as life milestone; Bill sings Nia’s praises, Kevin ponders perpetual singledom.
• On Public Figures & Money: Critiques the post-presidency public speaking circuit as legalized influence-peddling.
• Listener Mail: Relationship advice, honesty about cheating, and the need for emotional education get candid treatment.

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Important Timestamps

• 00:44 – Why we only get two days off work
• 03:17 / 20:31 – The “gibberish” controversy (language & white supremacy)
• 04:57 / 05:24 – Politicians and their island escapades; hypocrisy
• 06:07 / 07:14 – Patriots/Seahawks/NFL post-mortems
• 08:06 – Bruins hockey frustration
• 10:27 – Teaching multiplication tables, math as a joy/mystery
• 12:15 – Bill's philosophy on life and the afterlife
• 13:10 – Religious hypocrisy and body count
• 15:03 – Parenting pride in teaching skills
• 22:01–23:43 – Olympic hockey and international rivalry banter
• 27:42–28:28 – Olympic injury horror stories
• 33:47 – Kevin Shea guest segment begins
• 71:43 – Riff on city food crazy (cheesesteaks/chowder)
• 95:08 – Relationship advice: the value of honesty and moving on
• 100:39 – Emotional aftermath of breakups
• 104:33 – Standing ground in relationships (theme party anecdote)
• 106:41 – Guest sign-off and recommendations

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Tone & Style

The episode is classic Bill Burr: blunt, irreverent, self-mocking, and insightful. The tone oscillates between sardonic and sincere, punctuated by salty language and an insistence on honesty—whether in critical social observations or personal relationships. Kevin Shea matches Burr’s rhythm, expanding the perspective with his own deadpan reflections, especially in matters of sports and love.

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Conclusion

This episode delivers everything Monday Morning Podcast listeners crave: sharp humor, unfiltered takes on society and sports, relatable relationship struggles, and a reminder not to take life—or yourself—too seriously. Whether you tune in for the sports, the rants, or the philosophy on living honestly, there’s a nugget (or a laugh) in every segment.

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For sports fans, cynics, and anyone struggling with a breakup, this one’s got your number.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.

[B]

Listen to me.

[A]

I sound like I'm in a bathroom.

[B]

And that just sounded like a fart.

[A]

Getting out of the leather chair there. Let me see if. Does this room work? Oh, this room is much better.

[B]

I think this room is better.

[A]

Knocking this thing out.

[B]

Well, I got a bunch of work to do. Listen to me. Just picking stuff up, moving it around.

[A]

All right, here we go.

[B]

It's Thursday, dude. It's. It's one more day until the weekend, you know?

[A]

Do you know why you only get two days off a week?

[B]

Because it takes at least three days to come up with the perfect plan to murder your boss.

[A]

And that's, like, right on, Right?

[B]

Sunday night, right as it's all coming together, you just wake up and you.

[A]

Got to go again, you know? And then Monday through Friday, what does the boss do? Divides and conquers.

[B]

One of you gets promoted, the others get left behind.

[A]

You're like, wait, I thought we were going to kill this guy together.

[B]

And the other dude's like, hey, you.

[A]

Know what I'm saying?

[B]

That's my favorite reference. That's from that Boyz II Men song. When they come up to. I don't know if it was Bell, I don't know if it was Biv or if it was Devoe, but they went up to one of those characters and they said, hey, man, you know, we can say goodbye. The guy's like, hey, you know what I'm saying? Every five feet, somebody's saying that. And then they went, doom, doom, doom.

[A]

Da, da, da, da, da.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And then that was it. It was over. They were so good. They didn't have to sing words. And Bell, Biv or Devoe was like, you know what? I can fucking.

[B]

I can do something with that.

[A]

And that right there is the story.

[B]

Of why you get two days off a week. Unless you're working on Broadway.

[A]

Broadway.

[B]

You don't. What you get is you get a day, day and a half off. They do a Sunday matinee, and then you don't have to be back to work again until Tuesday night. So then they're like, so that's kind of like two days. It's like, yeah, but I have to work Sunday in the afternoon, right in the middle of the day. Then I have Sunday night off. I have all of Monday off. And then Tuesday, I got this show hanging over my head. So I really don't know what you're talking about here.

[A]

Anyway, by the way, when I was.

[B]

Watching the Super Bowl, I was not aware that simultaneously there was a white supremacist optional halftime show. You know, just when I think my people, Caucasians, we have hit the low point. Do you know some woman on the right, you know what she called?

[A]

She called the super bowl halftime.

[B]

She called it 15 minutes of gibberish. It's got to be the most ignorant.

[A]

Thing I think I've ever. Who just dismisses a whole language, an entire race of people, just. That's gibberish. Why?

[C]

Because.

[A]

Because what, you don't understand it? I've always been amazed, and I was guilty of this. When I was a kid, I grew up in Massachusetts. What'd you think? I got the right information. I was in Massachusetts. All the words were flying around and we all said them, we told all the jokes. But then what happens is you travel and then you go, oh, now I get it.

[B]

We're the idiots.

[A]

I used to think that you speak English, you know, and the person could.

[B]

Actually communicate with me in English and.

[A]

Could speak an entirely different language.

[B]

But that was lost on me because I was in the bubble of what the English set up over here was that if that English was the only language that mattered and everything else was subservient to it.

[A]

It's the basic, you know, it's the core beliefs of white supremacy.

[B]

But if you watched and you compared the performances on both of those things.

[A]

Both of those performances, I mean, I don't know what the spread was. I'm not saying white people didn't cover. I don't know what we.

[B]

What sort of spread we got on that. But, you know, I don't know, you would have thought, I don't know, I don't know, 15 minutes of gibberish. Yeah, I mean, you just didn't see. Hear a beautiful language, beautiful people. You didn't see all that. Oh, and how funny is it to hear a politician going like, what does this say about the children? Like, politicians care about the children. You know, where do you start with that? Food supply, pharmaceuticals, False flag wars, Epstein Island? I mean, it doesn't seem like you're considering anybody with the decisions you're making. As long as you get your house on Martha's Vineyard or Nantucket. These politicians, I don't know, blue or.

[A]

Red, they love an island.

[B]

I just want to get to the level in politics where I get to go to an island. That's got to be exciting for them. That's like me. Like the first time I got to like, work at like an improv for like a politician is the first time they're going to some secret meeting on an island, you know, and they're flying private. The dick's starting to fill up. They don't know what's happening, but they know it's some. Some level of power they've never experienced. And it's literally, it makes them aroused, you know, just sitting there wearing a suit and tie, legs crossed on a private jet, fucking moving your foot counterclockwise, looking down at your wingtips. I have arrived.

[A]

Anyway.

[B]

You know, I finally got caught up watching the. Congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks once again. And also thank you to the Seattle Seahawks for that thorough ass kicking. I appreciate, I really appreciate a beatdown. It's the last second ones that, that. That crush you as a fan, but you know, you're getting your butt kicked the whole goddamn game. They kind of ripped the band aid off. It was really after halftime when we came out. It's just like, okay.

[A]

And more of the same.

[B]

I'm gonna go on a limb, say.

[A]

This is not our day anyway, but.

[B]

Also thank you to the Patriots for an amazing season.

[C]

And.

[B]

And everything's looking rosy in the future, so we shall see. What I do like is no one's going to be picking, you know, away from our. Well, maybe they will be, but usually if you win a Super bowl, then what happens is somebody signs somewhere else, they take one of your coaches. All of a sudden the assistant backup punter, you know, gets a head coaching job at, like, Boise State Community College, and the whole thing starts falling apart anyway, plowing ahead.

[A]

I got a chance to watch, finally.

[B]

Watch the end of that stadium classic. The Bruins versus the Lightning. And then I watched the Bruins versus the Panthers. And dude, I hope that was our bottoming out as far as taking penalties, because we had both of those games won.

[A]

Well, we came from behind.

[B]

Against the Panthers and ended up losing it in the shootout, so we did get like a point. But the Panthers had four losses in a row. Okay, they're reeling and you know, they've had been having a problem holding a lead. I think they went up 2 to nothing and then we came back. Next thing you know, we're up four to two and then we just start taking penalties and penalties and penalties. It's like we're addicted to being a man down.

[A]

And you would think that our power.

[B]

Play kill would be better than it.

[A]

Was considering how much experience we have.

[B]

Being down a man or Two men. I still love the Bruins. This is a little bit of tough love. Like, Jesus Christ. That second period of the stadium classic, that last five minutes was the biggest bonehead hockey I've seen in a long time. As far as where we were last year. Yeah, that was our low point. You know, I don't know what it was. We were up five to one and lost six to five. And it felt like we took 18 penalties in a row in the end of the second period. So anyway, having said that, there is a lot to like about this team, but like, come playoff time, you know, if we don't, I'm kind of looking at like the Patriots, the way we were turning the ball over in the beginning of the season and then we stopped doing that until we got to the playoffs. Somehow we did it the first two games and got away with it. Yeah, that's something we obviously need to fucking work on. Oh, Billy's got fucking tennis elbow. I've had it for a while now. I don't know how to get rid of it. It's fucking annoying. Gotta get some massage or whatever, some masseuse to work on my fucking elbow. I don't know what it was from.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

It's annoying the shit out of me.

[A]

Because it's the arm I use when.

[B]

I'm holding the microphone. So I'll go out and I'll do a 15 minute set. You know, I lean on the mic stands, I guess I lean with my left and I hold the mic with my right hand. And then I come off stage and I go to straighten my arm out and boy, boy howdy, I'll tell you, it smarts a little bit anyway, I don't know, I gotta figure that out. I gotta to get somebody to work on it specifically. Anyway. How can I say anyway any more times? So my daughter's been doing multiplication tables in the, in the third grade. So we've been working through them. I made like flashcards and all of that. And we got up to the, to the nines. We're up to nine. Well, she has to know all through 10, but 10's easy. And it reminded me of that Schoolhouse Rock, Remember that number nine will put you on the spot Number nine, we'll.

[A]

Tie you up oh, in a knot.

[B]

Do I sound like the white halftime show?

[A]

When you try it multiplying by nine you can give it everything you got and still be something if you don't.

[B]

Know some secret way you can check on.

[A]

There's a bunch of people over 50.

[B]

Right now, singing along with you. Break your neck on naughty number nine. Anyway, yeah, so we were. We were going through that. I don't know, it's really amazing, like, how nines work out. You know, it's like a countdown. 9 times 1.

[C]

9.

[B]

9 times 2, 1, 8. 9 times 3, 2, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And then it starts over again. 11 times 9. 99. 1. 108. 117. Just how perfectly that works out. I feel like that's, like, when nerds think there's no God, then all of a sudden they see that there's something about the number three that makes an egghead be like, you know what? There might be something beyond this. But I did see this. This lady who was just talking about how the Bible, she was claiming was just completely made up, the story of Jesus was made up and was stolen from the Far east, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all of that. And that when you die, like, that's it. And then you're just dead. And I'm like, all right, I will say that.

[A]

A red flag.

[B]

One of the red flags for me is anybody who thinks they know one way or the another, one way or another, what happens to you when you die. I have no idea. I just have my own beliefs. I don't think that there's anything watching me. I don't think that there's anything that is mad at me. I just think this is what it is. I think you come down here and you get the full experience. There's joy, there's heartbreak. There's, you know, unconditional love, and there's pure evil. It's just everything is there. And there's suffering and there's privilege, and there's just. It just is what it is. And I think if something made it, he set it up and he just moved on. And each one of these earths is a different canvas, and they're just like, ah, maybe I'll create this here, or I will create that there. Because the universe is still expanding, which means the dude who made us, if you believe that, is still creating. So we're like, way in the fucking rearview mirror. He made us, you know, in his life, like, a decade ago. I will say this, though, as far as a punishment afterlife, if that is true, I don't see anybody in a position of power in these churches at the upper level of these religions even remotely behaving like they're worried about being punished after this life. Because they all. Every religion has just, like, so many bodies, so Many bodies, their body count in defending, spreading, protecting their beliefs is just insane.

[A]

And then there's the rest of us. Everyone from people that run religions to.

[B]

People calling halftime shows gibberish.

[A]

And then the people that listen to it and actually believe it. And then I just feel like there's the other 85% of the population that's.

[B]

Just in the middle, sort of moderate one way or the other being like.

[A]

When are you guys gonna fucking chill out? Stop starting fights.

[B]

All this mean girl shit.

[A]

So anyway, we.

[B]

We were working on the multiplication tables and I just made like the old school, just flashcards. And I remember I got my ass kicked in the third grade. And then one day, you know, my parents got me flashcards and I just started doing them, like when I was looking at football cards. And it was super frustrating. And then just one day, I had it. And I never forgot him. And my daughter's like, getting to that point, it's literally like teaching them how to ride a bike. And it's a really exciting thing as a parent to teach your kids, like, multiplication and division. Because out of everything you learn in school, I would say, other than reading, is multiplication and division is something you do every single day. So it's actually. Yeah, Bill, we get it. We live in the world.

[A]

All right?

[B]

I'm just saying.

[A]

All right, listen, I'm just a guy wearing a pink sweater right now, trying to show that I've changed.

[B]

Dude, my anger is coming back. It's coming back. I gotta. I gotta go do some more breath work.

[A]

It's not fully coming back, but I.

[B]

I have this really weird sort of thing where isn't. But it is. But I'm able to kind of switch back to my new self. I just have to use those stupid, silly words. I just have to remember to be like, boy, oh boy. I'm really getting frustrated. I'll tell you. That's enough to make a fella steamed up.

[A]

What was it today?

[B]

Well, yet another thing got messed up on my house and I was getting that fixed. The never ending parade of repairs. When you buy a house that has a lot of character. And what I have to keep telling the person that fixed that fixes the house. It's like when you come over and.

[A]

You fix whatever, you fix all the materials that are left over that you overcharged me for. Get them out of here. They always just leaving all of this shit. They just. This is like. This attracts rats, mice, rodents, varmints. It's clutter, it's unsightly. Get it out of here. What amazes me is whenever you have some work to be done, oh, do they run right over? They're there in 20 minutes, they finish.

[B]

The job and then there's like a punch list. And that doesn't happen till five months fucking later. It's just, I tell you, it really burns me up. Really gets. You know, what's a good emotional place to go instead of angry? It's a pet peeve. Peeves me. I'm not perturbed. I'm definitely frustrated. I like flabbergasted. That's a fun world to be in or to be beside yourself. It's just not respected. If you told somebody that, you know that I am literally beside myself right now, and then all I think is like, all right, well, as long as you're not angry. Nobody's ever gotten an ass kicking because they made somebody feel beside themselves.

[A]

I do remember one time watching when.

[B]

P. Diddy, he had a show and he made those kids walked to Brooklyn to get him some cheesecake. And everybody thought that that was funny. Looking back, that was probably him showing, hey, you know, I'm kind of a toxic guy. But he was talking to some up and coming singer and he said to her, don't get beside yourself. And what I liked was he projected his being beside himself to telling her to not get beside herself. And I actually feel like the way he used it. Don't get beside yourself is visually, you know, brings the point home. Don't get beside yourself. Like, I don't know what his definition.

[A]

Of the word is.

[B]

Like, he is, you know, I'm sure he has, like, different definitions for a lot of words, As most people that come from, you know, that sort of toxic upbringing they, they have. Like, What it is, is when you have somebody that fucked up in your life, when you go to figure them out, it's like they're speaking English the.

[A]

Same way you are.

[B]

But you have to, you have to understand what their definition of. Like, they don't abide by the agreed upon Oxford Dictionary definition of certain words. So what? In order to understand them, it's like you have to relearn their version of English. That's if you can't get them out of your life. But if you can get them out of your life, you just sort of set them down the way. But anyway, that's what he said. He said, don't get beside yourself. And whenever somebody said, I'm beside myself, I always just took that as, you know, they were upset. But when Diddy said, don't get Beside yourself. I literally saw. I visually saw this woman sitting next to herself, which is crazy. Which is kind of what he was saying. You're talking gibberish. How many languages do you speak?

[A]

One.

[B]

The only one that matters. Do you speak any other languages? What do you mean? All that gibberish around the world. Gibberish.

[A]

Fuck it. That is like. That is one of the dumbest things.

[B]

I think anybody's ever said. Anyway. Oh, man. Yeah. I don't know how you got talked into that one. Do you want to do the alternative.

[A]

Then?

[B]

Just as a performer? You paint yourself into that corner. I just feel like if you're an artist, you want to perform to everybody, don't you? It's just a strange. I swear to God, it's got to be the CIA, like, they have, like, destabilized even the halftime show at the fucking. The Super Bowl. And I think Trump, I'm starting to think, is a CIA Manchurian Candidate. He just goes. I mean, his ability to just divide people and create anger and violence and all of that is just. It's really unprecedented. I mean, if. If he ever took over the wwe, it would be incredible. The Olympic hockey, I believe, started today. I'm at work. I think the Czech Republic, Chechnya, whatever they're calling themselves, they're playing today.

[A]

So I wanted to.

[B]

I'm going to watch them USA and Canada, and I like Chechnya because David Posenock's on that team. I like usa, you know, that's where I live. And then Canada always has, like, the best team, and they take it so fucking seriously. And I'm still. Whatever. That last fucking tournament that we played them in, where we beat them, we played them twice. We beat them, and then we lost to them. And then somehow Canada was considered a better team than we were.

[A]

It was so stupid.

[B]

We beat them to move to the championship game, and then Canada get to play, like, the third or fourth seed, beat them, and then play us again. Again. Like, you weren't beaten Team USA or Canada twice. You just weren't. So we both went one and one. But it was like college football back in the day before they had a playoff. It wasn't how many losses, it was when you lost. So then Canada's chanting we're number one instead of we're one and one, which is what they should have been chanting. But, like, what else are they gonna do? You know? What else are they gonna do up there? That's their fucking sport. So it would be great. I figure they have to be the favorite so I'm sort of rooting for anybody, you know, not in a bad way. I like Canada. You know, those knuckleheads up there, you know, they're a simple people. No, I'm kidding. Anyway, they do have a higher opinion of themselves when they compare themselves to the United States, which, you know.

[C]

All.

[B]

Right, you got us. We're in a bad place right now, but you know, we're going to make a comeback. I don't know, I don't know what I'm saying right now. Let's, let's, let's do a little, let's do a little fucking reads here. All right, all right, all right. Anyway, hey, everybody relax. Everybody take it easy, all right? Momentous, everybody.

[A]

You know, by this point in the.

[B]

Year, routines are real, not aspirational. And when it comes to supplements you're taking every day, trust matters. But choosing the right supplements can be confusing, especially in a low regulation space, which means a lot of products cut corners, skip testing, or don't fully disclose what's inside.

[A]

Dude, these people are terrorists.

[B]

How is anything that you're going to ingest be a low regulation space?

[A]

Oh, these politicians, they just, they just want to go to an island. That's exactly why I partnered with Momentous. Is that why I did it? I didn't know what, I don't know.

[B]

Why I did this.

[A]

They built a reputation as the high trust brand and a low trust category in holding themselves to a higher bar. What they call the momentous standard.

[B]

It's their commitment to doing things the right way, not the easy way.

[A]

Well, what is your standard when you're.

[B]

In a low regulation space?

[A]

What do you got to be slightly regulated momentous sources? Only the highest. Here we go. The only the highest quality ingredients. Their whey protein comes from grass fed European dairy cows. Oh, you ever see European dairy cows? Their pants don't go all the way down to their hooves.

[B]

Their creatine uses the purest form of creatine monohydrate.

[A]

And every formula is made with clinically backed, highly bioavailable nutrients with no fillers and no artificial sweeteners. You know what truly sets Momentous apart is their testing and transparency. And every product is independently certified by NSF for sport or informed sport, meaning.

[B]

It'S tested here we go from contaminants.

[A]

Heavy metals, banned substances, and verified for label accuracies. In other words, other supplements don't test for contaminants, heavy metals and banned substances. How can you use a banned substance? Because it's a low regulation space. What does that mean?

[B]

Low regulation space.

[A]

You're still in America and you're still feeding this to your countrymen. So anyway, so you know exactly what you're putting into your body. And if a product doesn't meet their standard, it never hits the shelves. What does the shelves mean in America?

[B]

Where does it hit?

[A]

In a space where trust is rare.

[B]

Sorry, I need a drink of water here.

[A]

Momentous is redefining what trust looks like. Well, good for them. If you have a favorite, whether it's their protein, creatine or omega 3, you feel the difference when the quality is intentional. Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with the promo code BRRRR. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code BRRRR for up to 35% off your first Order. That's live momentous.com promo code burr. All right. Had to go back out and retrieve my water. All right.

[B]

Okay, back to the podcast. In conclusion, what do I have to say here? In conclusion, I'm going to watch some Olympic hockey. I watched a little bit of that downhill skiing stuff. And that 41 year old woman blows out her ACL, still goes down the mountain. And I don't know what happened. All of a sudden she just went in.

[A]

Probably she was going 80 miles an.

[B]

Hour with one less ACL than she needed. No, then she. One less than needed is how we should say it. And she broke both tibulas. Oh my God. I mean, and my wife brought up the highlight. It's like I looked away, you know.

[A]

Ever since Joe Theisman, Monday Night Football.

[B]

Against the Giants, I just look away. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see somebody's dream end like that. But whatever her name was, shout out to her, you know, I always, I mean, she was like the Philip Rivers downhill skiers, you know what I mean? It makes old people feel good about themselves. So God bless her. And it's still in a major, major accomplishment. Somebody else sent me one where somebody was just going 70 miles an hour and hit one of those gates with basically their dick. And I got to say, they're always talking about in hockey, people that go out and block shots and how much guts it takes and when it hits you in the foot, how much it hurts, you know, and they always talk about women, you know, giving birth and all of that. I would love to know on the trajectory you got giving birth, I mean, that just, that has to be number one. Pushing a baby out of an orifice that's got to be number one. And then I would. I would say, you know, Al McGinnis slap shot off your foot or going 90 miles an hour and dick first hit a plastic tube with your dick. I mean. Yeah. And to just. I mean, there's no way half his helmet wasn't fucking purple. Can you imagine that, Bruce? Then you got to take out your fucking dick. You know, downstairs, whenever you get downstairs, the bottom of the mountain downstairs, you get down to the thing, and then there's some fucking guy down there. There's rubber gloves on, going, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's kind of from the pee hole.

[B]

To the right of your.

[C]

Your.

[B]

To the right. So I would just make sure that you junk the.

[A]

I would tape it to the right side of your leg. Hey, have you considered wearing a cup?

[B]

What kind of an.

[A]

Why wouldn't you wear a cup? I don't understand it. Well, you're going down. You're basically a hood ornament.

[B]

Indiana Jones, even then, he wasn't going 90 miles an hour. Can you imagine the road rash? Typical Hollywood, you know, Hollywood magic. Guys dragging behind a fucking F250, hanging onto a bullwhip, wearing a leather vest. And I'm supposed to believe that this guy doesn't get any sort of fucking road rash, Comes back and with. With his. His arms. His forearm should look like roast beef at that point. And he beats the. Out of this German guy driving the truck. I haven't seen it in a long time. But anyway, shout out to. Shout out to all the Olympic athletes hitting their dicks on plastic poles, flying through the air, missing an acl, an unconnected acl. You got a bad connection, blowing out your legs, you know, the luge, I mean, you might as well just be sledding down on a fucking coal shovel. I mean, the Olympics in the wintertime, it takes a lot of balls, you know, even though they're probably pulled up into your body because of how cold it is. I was just over there in Milan. You guys got to go over to that place that the lovely Nia took. Nia always hooks me up. By the way, that sandwich that I was mentioning was. It was sent over to me care of Nia's request. Those sliders that I got up at the prime rib slightest that I got up in Berkeley, California. The reason why they were sent over the table is because my lovely wife thought about me going there and looked out for me, okay, that right there, you know what that is? That's called love. All right, now with that we're going to end the podcast on something loving. That's how I needed to end it. You know, when you talk about people breaking both legs or fucking, you know, having a hematoma on the right side of the helmet on their dick, I mean, I think there's only one way to go. All right, okay, everybody. That's it. Have a good weekend. Do the right thing. Going to an island is overrated. That's one of the truths in life. If you're flying private with a bunch of other white men in suits and you're going to an island, nothing good for humanity is about to happen. All right, that's it. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Theless. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

[A]

Have a great weekend, you c.

[C]

SA.

[A]

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September. No, February 12th. There's a fucking comedian. I don't even know whether I know where the Fuck I am. February 12, 2018. What's going on? How are you? Usually. Usually I do these by myself. Usually I'm just sitting alone. But it's like, you know what? Fuck this. My buddy called me up. He's got a podcast he wants to promote. He. And he's a fucking Eagles fan. So I figured, why not? I got to go on. Because for some reason, people think I actually fucking hate Philly just because I.

[C]

Got booed there because of that video.

[A]

Yeah. And it's just like, no, I got booed in Philly. If you got booed in Texas, what do you do? You make fun of fucking pickup trucks, chicks with too much makeup, all of it.

[C]

You just make fun of Texas in general. I think everyone just goes to Texas. My go to stay is Kentucky.

[A]

I like Texas. Well, it's Kevin Shea, everybody.

[C]

Oh, hey.

[A]

From the Kevin Shea Podcast. Podcast.

[C]

It's the All I'm saying Podcast.

[A]

All I'm saying.

[C]

Let me ask. That's. That's easy right, to remember. Do you know every host?

[A]

And it also kind of gets you off the hook or whatever you just said.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

All I'm saying is there's too many people. I didn't mean to specifically pick out that group. Like, they needed to go, but there's too many people.

[C]

Every host it up, though. It's kind of funny because they go, what's your intro? I go, all I'm saying. Podcast.

[A]

All I'm saying.

[C]

All I'm saying. I Said you can write it down easy. They ask two more times before they go on stage and they go, oh, I'm talking about what you doing? How's it going? And so we.

[A]

No, you didn't. They're getting all sassy.

[C]

Yes. And we always bet.

[A]

And all I'm saying isn't really.

[C]

That's pretty mainstream vernacular, you know, I thought it was. I fucking getting a title is hard. Like, you have the best title ever. It's just. Yeah, it's simple. It's so simple.

[A]

That's why I did it. Is that why you remember when it.

[C]

Would come out funny?

[A]

And then people go, we used to one every day of the week. It's like, well, then it's not the money.

[C]

You got the Thursday I do the.

[A]

Third, but Thursday, just before Friday. Monday morning podcast. I love when people just. They go fucking all out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you show up at some of these. Some of these comic studios. You feel like you're doing Howard Stern.

[C]

I.

[A]

You know what you want to be like, dude, you could really keep your overhead way. Look, I'm not talking about guys like Rogan. Like Rogan in. In will have, like, you know, super, super famous people.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm just talking just like, oh, it doesn't matter. It's a jerk off like me, and I'm having you over. The reason why you're not in my house right now is because my daughter's sleeping.

[C]

Yeah, I figured that. I figured. Because your daughter's sleeping. Yeah. And then I didn't. I didn't know you moved. Like, when you texted me, the jerk off to the studio. I know, but when you text me.

[A]

I thought you meant me.

[B]

Oh, you mean this.

[A]

This student?

[C]

No, you. You. When you texted me, I was like, what? Why would he move to Burbank? I was like, bill, I was like, you're doing well.

[A]

You got more bang for. Get more bang for my buck out here.

[C]

Why would you move to Burbank?

[A]

I like the Valley. I like the Valley. You know, you're getting better, better conversations out here. You know what I mean? You meet some guy who did something on MASH way back in the day. Bunch of Trump supporters. You know, the Hillary stuff gets old, man. In Hollywood, it's like, I get it. I get it. You know what I mean? I want to hear it.

[C]

I want to.

[A]

I want to hear somebody actually think something good's going on. I love it. I fucking. He's making it better every day. My burrito tastes better. Does taco tastes better?

[C]

I don't. I Don't really talk to a lot of people. You know that about me.

[A]

Well, then why did you come down here?

[C]

Well, for you, it's just because your.

[A]

Team just won the Super Bowl. The E A G L E S, by the way. I mean, cunt Eagles.

[C]

I'm a fucking huge Eagles fan, but I hate that fucking song. The fight song. Fly.

[A]

How does it go?

[C]

I don't know. Fly.

[A]

Oh, it has to be old, right?

[C]

It's not. It's not. I did a whole research. I thought it was from like, 19, 20 or 18.

[A]

Because it's not. Fly, Eagles, fly. When I see that sounds like it was written the same week of for he's a jolly good fellow back when that wasn't corny to say.

[C]

It's. It's weird because it's supposed to sound. Oh, it's got the boom, boom, boom, like the drums up front and goes, hit him high, hit him low. So looked it up.

[A]

Razza Mataz 23.

[C]

Skinny 1985 or something like.

[A]

I mean, that is like 30 years ago. 32 years ago. Put it this way. If you. If you were in 1985 right now, and that song was 32 years old, it would have been written in 1953.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, but I gotta be honest. Hit him high, hit him low. Is. Is very, like, still, like that sounds like it's written in the 40s.

[C]

It sounds very college.

[A]

Very.

[C]

No, not even college. Like high school.

[A]

I would say college. Don't be too, too hard.

[C]

No, no, I. I love the song. I love. Here's the thing.

[A]

It's.

[C]

It's one of those songs where I love it, but I acknowledge it's corny.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I mean, it's cheesy, but I love it.

[A]

Is it fly eagles fly up, up to the sky? Is it like a disco remake?

[C]

I'm, like, getting uncomfortable.

[A]

You sing it, I'll sing this whole podcast.

[C]

Do you know the.

[A]

But He's a jolly good fellow. The Eagles won the fucking Super Bowl.

[C]

Remember when we were going to Brea? This is, like, years ago.

[A]

I block all of those gigs out. I hate those drives.

[C]

You hate those fucking drives?

[A]

No, I swear to God, dude, I almost, like, was ready to fucking just leave L. A yesterday.

[C]

No way. I did. I did that.

[A]

It was, like, fucking Saturday. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was like, in rush hour traffic. And you want to get mad, but you're going to be like, well, I'm also out here and they're all just fucking. Nobody is fucking talking about doing something about this population Problem. And I'll tell you one thing we have to get a problem of is touching the desk and hitting this. This is going to be annoying in this. We have a new podcast studio here.

[C]

Oh, shit. Are we doing that?

[A]

No, I just. I've been hearing it. So, like, we're going to have to put some sort of padding here. I don't know why, but anyways, I like nature, right? I enjoy, like, watching animals and that type of shit. But I always have my. I never take the remote out of my hand when I watch a nature show because right when they start talking about what's going on with them and how they're all gonna die off because of us, I shut it off. Well, my daughter always, you know, takes the remote and it's amazing. My fucking remote sucks. I can literally be pointing at the TV like, change, change, change. What the fuck? It won't do anything. My daughter picks it up and is like walking away with it and we'll somehow turn on the fucking DVD player. I still have one of those.

[C]

Is it digital?

[A]

The remote.

[C]

Is the remote all digital with, like.

[A]

No, I have DirecTV and I love DirecTV, but their remote sucks. You look at it, you have to fucking reboot the thing. It's like. It's like. It's like it was in an abusive relationship. It's oversensitive. I feel like it was recycled. Like some racist had it before me was constantly throwing it at the tv funny. And then they just like, you know, like all our old phones that you watched a bunch of porn on over there in, like, Thailand or the Philippines.

[C]

Do you know, do you have a. I have a laptop that I use just for porn. Yeah, that's. I just throw that in there. I'm very specific.

[A]

Jizz proof or something?

[C]

No, it's just. It's just the hard drive, so.

[A]

Made out of latex.

[C]

It's just so old and shot. So I don't give a fuck if it gets diseases, right? I'm like, yeah, fuck it, I don't care. It stays separate. But it's old. It's big.

[A]

You know what that reminds me of? You ever see these people that get, like, foster kids and they feed their. Their real kids and they just take the checks for the foster kids. The kid will look like he's fucking eight years old and really bony and you'll be like, how old are you? And he's like 26.

[C]

I didn't know that was a thing.

[A]

That is a thing. Feed him like, fucking paste and shit.

[C]

But here's what's confusing? When I was younger, I'm adopted. I never.

[A]

Doesn't surprise me. You're irritated.

[C]

I don't know the difference. I didn't know the difference between foster and adopted.

[A]

So you thought there was like foster a kid means you just take them for a little while, right?

[C]

Yeah, but they were always like abused and I was never abused. And I couldn't racked my brain as a kid. I called my parents mom and dad. But then my friends down the street who were a family but they were divorced with kids, called them by their fucking names.

[A]

Well, it's right there. That's why they got a divorce. They were never committed. They weren't committed to each other. They weren't committed to having the kids.

[C]

But it's weird, like when they would call their mom by their first name.

[A]

Well, my daughter learns how to speak. I'm gonna be like, this is Mr. Shay. She's not gonna call you Kevin.

[C]

I don't like that.

[A]

I don't like it either.

[C]

I fucking can't stand when people do. Like, my buddies will talk to their other parents and they say, hey, John Paul. It's weird.

[A]

It would help if we kind of dress like adults, though.

[C]

What are you talking about? I mean, you got a hat. My hair.

[A]

You got a hat. There you go. You're an adult.

[C]

There you go. It's not. You don't have a.

[A]

No. You know what it was? No, but back in the day, like, you know, people just to fucking like, if you want. I was. I tape recorded all. Like they had all the NFL films, Super Bowls in a row on NFL films. And I taped all 51 of them and I'm just working my way through them. I love them. I can't get them.

[C]

They're awesome.

[A]

They're awesome. So I was watching them and first of all, like the first like 11 Super Bowls were played in like the afternoon. I know they played like Rice Stadium or Tulane, you know what I mean? And there was just like, like, like a fucking college band. Like one of them, like the Michigan Marching Band.

[C]

That's so funny.

[A]

Went out there and played.

[C]

Didn't. Didn't. The Niners.

[A]

I thought you were scatting horn. Did it. I thought you would start doing a band or something.

[C]

Did it. Like now I'm. Now you're in my head.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Didn't. The Niners. Yeah, they played in Golden Gate park, remember, for one of the championships.

[A]

Probably an NFL championship. But you guys sucked back then, so I don't know. I think you had like One good year in the 40s and 50s.

[C]

I used to know that it was one. It was one in the 50s. And then 1960 was the last one. And we used to. We always get into this discussion about, like, you think it matters what the NFL championship.

[A]

NFL titles should count.

[C]

They do count, but they're not Super Bowls.

[A]

And you know, I don't get that.

[C]

I don't.

[A]

You know, Barbara, there was no other league.

[C]

I, I get it. I get it. But now there is another league. There's two.

[A]

No, there's still. There was. There was. There was still a fucking. No, you don't understand. The AFL started in 1960. Before then there was. There was only the. No, there was the NFL. And then the AFL came in. I'll give you a little history lesson. The first year, the afl, okay, all the NFL loaners laughed. Baha. Ha ha ha. Look at these fucking morons wasting their money. But while they laughed at him, they. Then they made two moves to fuck over the afl. The first thing they did was the team with the most amount of money was.

[C]

Was.

[A]

Was. That was the Dallas Texans. They were red and white, right? They literally became the Kansas City Chiefs. So what the NFL did was immediately or gave Dallas an NFL franchise. That's how the Cowboys started. That started so that there would be a team in the same city as the wealthiest AFL team. They're trying to cut the head off the snake here. So then basically they're figuring both are going to be low quality of players because they're both brand new. However, you could see Jim Brown or whoever like the superstar of the day was, would come in and play the Cowboys. So you're going to go that game rather than the Dallas Texans. And it kind of worked because the Texans ended up moving to Kansas City and became the Chiefs. All right. Then the other move they made was one of their franchises. The Minnesota Vikings were initially going to be an AFL team. And they came in and they said, hey, you want to join the NFL? And then they said, hey, fuck the afl. Let's go with this team. So that's what they did. They tried to fuck over two teams. That's what they did. Now the NFL continues. There's all these fucking championships being won. The Green Bay packers won like fucking 13 of them. And they're the New York Yankees. They're the fucking Celtics. They're the. They're the Montreal Canadiens of football, but they just don't recognize their first 12. So they say the Steelers are with six Super Bowls. So in 19, after 1969, when the jets beat the fucking Packers. No, Colts.

[C]

Was it Colts.

[A]

They beat the Colts. And there was a merger talk was already there. And the AFL was actually doing so well and was such an exciting product that it was kind of looking like they actually might take over the NFL. All right? And the only guy who had the balls to say, fuck the new NFL merger deal was. Was. Was. What's his face there? Jesus Christ. I just spaced on his name with the Raiders.

[C]

Oh, Al Davis.

[A]

Al Davis. Al Davis was. Fuck that. He just didn't want to beat him. He wanted to bury him. He wanted to put him out of business. And everybody else was like, no, fuck that. Let's join. So they joined. Okay. Now that has happened in other leagues. The NHL with like the IHL with Wayne Gretzky's. Where the fuck. He played with Indianapolis. Like, I guess that was his first team. I used to know all of this shit. But they. They've absorbed teams from other leagues. The, The. The NBA took in ABA teams.

[C]

Yeah, but they. They.

[A]

But they still count the Celtics championships.

[C]

But they didn't change the name of the title. I think it's because of the vent.

[A]

Oh, changing the name of the title.

[C]

I'll go with. That's what it is.

[A]

Maybe that's what it is.

[C]

I haven't thought of it because it's that you're changing the name of the title. The basketball never changed the name of the title.

[A]

But here's the thing. The first two Green Bay ones were the NFL AFL championship game, as was the third one, which. The Jets. The jets was an NFL AFL title.

[C]

Game, which is great. But you know what's funny about the whole story? You heard. You just. You told me. I was just thinking, oh, my God, the Vikings still suck.

[A]

But yeah. Do you know the Patriots now have tied. They've lost the most Super Bowls, but they also.

[C]

Oh, they don't have.

[A]

There's also. The thing is, we've also been to the most.

[C]

You've been a fucking 10.

[A]

We're five and five.

[C]

You're. You've been to 10. Here's the thing. I saw.

[A]

There's not an LFL fan out there that wouldn't take that. Except for the Steelers. The Steelers or the 49ers in the. The 49ers and the Cowboys, because they already have five, and they've been like eight or something.

[C]

Denver's been five. Denver's been five.

[A]

Denver lost five and has won three. So they've been to eight. The Cowboys have won five and they see they lost to the Colts. They lost to the Steelers twice. I think that's. I think they've been to eight.

[C]

Do you. I saw your clip.

[A]

One other one they've been to.

[C]

I can't remember Conan. And you go, oh, I've been through five of these losses. I'm like, how old are you? Because the first Patriots Super bowl was 86. Okay, that makes sense.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's not that bad because I was.

[A]

But I am old. I'm turning 50 in June.

[C]

Well, congratulations. I turn. I turned 42 on Friday in America.

[A]

Yeah. You look great.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Considering how much both of us drink, I mean. Yeah, we're both in good shape, too.

[C]

I know. I know. This is the Suck Our Dicks podcast.

[A]

So anyways, before we get into your big win, because I really. Because I got to be honest with you, I actually. As a spot, I'm old enough to remember when all the Boston teams sucked, except for the Celtics and in the 80s, but then Len Bias died and Reggie Lewis died, and then it was just fucking over. I remember what it felt like the first time. So I was actually. When the Patriots were not looking good to me. Okay. You know when we played the Steelers and we had the game one, and we let up that 90. We let up 90 yards on a screen pass.

[C]

And then the first year, they won.

[A]

No, this year.

[C]

This year.

[A]

This year in December, we did that against the playoff team, and then they threw a touchdown to win the game. But the NFL now is like, oh, when he had the ball, did he really have the ball? So it's not a catch. But that was. That game was a fucking loss, and that gave us home field advantage, and that helped us fucking go to the Super Bowl. Go to Super Bowl. Yeah. So here was the thing. My. I was kind of watching you guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I was just going, all right, who am I going to root for? I was like, oh, la Rams would be cool if they got something. The fucking Eagles would be cool because they never won. So here's the thing. If my team isn't fucking in it, I'm going to root for the team that isn't.

[C]

Oh, there you go.

[A]

I'm not doing. I'm not a dick. I'm not a dick. I'm not a dick. All right, so. But, you know, if it's the Yankees, fuck the Yankees. And if it's the Canadians, fuck the Canadians. And if it's the Lakers, fuck the Lakers.

[C]

But other than that, I got to ask you, why. Why are the Canadians.

[A]

Oh, Bruins. Canadians is a Huge. Used to be a huge rivalry. And what happens is, is one team never wins it, and then the other team always wins it. And then. Then what happens is, then you win it, and that's the end of the movie. Then the credits are rolling. Like, they try to make, like, the Red Sox, Yankees thing.

[C]

It's not the same.

[A]

No, it's over. And it's kind of like, you know, when they make the sequel, but the star of the movie doesn't sign on to do it again.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Or like back in the day when.

[C]

Like, a movie like Major League 2 without Wesley Snipes, they took Omar Epps, slashed.

[A]

Oh, he was out.

[B]

Okay, there you go.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

Well, I would say at Major League without Charlie Sheen.

[C]

Yeah. Okay, the third one, then.

[A]

Okay, the third one. Or Jaws three D. Jaws three. Jaws to the second. Spielberg goes, nah, I'm not doing it. It just became. It became good.

[C]

You didn't like it.

[A]

Was that the one. What was the one where the shark started roaring?

[C]

That was the third one, right?

[A]

It was going like the fourth one. The fourth one.

[C]

That's bad. Okay.

[A]

That's bad, Aaron. You knew that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's hilarious.

[C]

He just. He was so immediate with the four.

[A]

I was like, that's why that's so fucking funny. Everybody looks at Sharknado like it's this worst thing ever. It's like, no, dude, the groundwork had been laid.

[C]

But I like bad movies.

[A]

Well, let's get back to this real quick. So I. So I was gonna sit there and, you know. You know, I got a lot of friends. Yourself?

[C]

Yeah, I got, like.

[A]

I have a good half dozen people that I know that are from Philly. Yeah, you know, there's a lot of cool chicks from Philly, too.

[C]

Great chicks. Yeah.

[A]

Women from Philly are cool.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So I wasn't gonna be that fucking, you know, asshole. So anyway, so you guys beat us, and now, you know the deal. You lose a big game like that, you go on radio silence. I'm not going on fucking the Internet. I mean, I kind of still have to because of the podcast, but I'm not going to watch espn, so I didn't get to see you guys. My favorite thing ever is fucking grown men crying over sports. It's the funniest. Like that Eagles fan who called in when Carson Wentz went down. Did you hear that, dude?

[C]

I didn't see that one.

[A]

He's like, when's it ever going to happen for us, man? And, like, it was. Funny thing is, the sportscaster gets, like, freaked Out. He's like. He's like, buddy, you crying? He's like, we'll win it next year, man. Relax.

[C]

That's so funny. Did you see the guy who was waiting at the fence when they won the Super Bowl? And when they're landing just to watch, he was crying. He was like a 54 year old black dude, just sobbing.

[A]

Black guy.

[C]

Yeah. He's just like. My whole fucking life. My whole fucking life I've been waiting for this. And here's the thing.

[A]

That Patriots, that kind of got me, hurts way less now.

[C]

They kind of got me.

[A]

And that hurts way less now. Knowing that somebody, an Eagles fan, ended up being that fucking happy. Come on, man. We. We fucking. We're drowning. We're drowning in rings over here, Kevin.

[C]

But here, here's the thing. Your first one, you know, you.

[A]

I was at the game.

[C]

I. Shut the fuck up. People were losing it.

[A]

I was at the game. No. And when I. Everybody, like, we were in the exact opposite end zone and he like kicked a field goal. And I remember I put my hands out like I was holding back the crowd on Beatlemania in my row because my brother and dad were there. Was like, oh, oh. And it went through and. And it just. I was. I couldn't believe it when it went through. Then I saw the confetti and dude, all of a sudden, next thing I knew, I was on the ground.

[C]

What?

[A]

Just the whole section just tackled each other. Fucking insane. That's fucking insane. And then I was worried about my dad because I was there with my dad and he was like in his 60s at the time, and he got up and he just. He couldn't fucking believe it. Right? And I looked over and there was one guy still standing up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he was just standing there. And I looked over him. He was for some reason staring at me and he just had tears in his eye and I. I was kind of locked.

[B]

I had to like.

[A]

Oh. I had to like look away like, dude, what the fuck? And I remember walking out of the stadium like, just because I. I went to the one we. When we lost to the packers. So I know what that feeling feels like. And then.

[C]

But that won it. But that wasn't close though, that one.

[A]

It was until the opening of the half, so to have to. So I basically had faith through fucking 18 and a half games. So, yeah, it was close. And then they kicked the fucking ball off. And Tyrone Wheatley. What was his name?

[C]

Desmond Howard.

[A]

Desmond Howard. I know.

[C]

It was a Only kicker to win a fucking MVP in the super bowl kick returner. Kick returner.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he ran the fucking thing back right at us.

[C]

That's funny.

[A]

I might have been in the same end zone. I don't know. Both times I had upper deck end zone seats. So then when we won it, I was thinking, like, every time the Patriots go, I'm going at such a great experience. So the next time we played, I believe we were playing the Panthers. And I was gonna go, but it was on Sunday, obviously. And then that Monday, we were shooting the World Series of Dice sketch in the morning for Chappelle's Show.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So I couldn't go. And I went there. And that's the first time I met Charlie Murphy, rest his soul. And I remember being pissed that I. I was psyched. I had the acting work, obviously psyched to be on the Chappelle Show. But I was like, fuck, man, I really wanted to go to that game. But I remember when the game was over, yeah. And I was in my apartment, we won. I was psyched. And I still had two grand in my pocket. I was like, wait a minute, this is kind of fucking cool. So then I was just like, yeah, I don't need to go. I saw the first one ever.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Why am I gonna go there and use up a ticket somebody else could have and like, someday, you know, if I have a kid now I have a kid, if she ever wants to go, I'll take her and I'll do that. But other than that, you know, I'm on the road all the time. Do you.

[C]

Did you. You obviously got the feeling. I don't. I don't know if I'd be like. If I was at this super bowl, my buddies went, they lost, they lost their minds. But they actually came back immediately and watched the game because they said they couldn't really believe it. Yeah, they could believe it. One or two. They didn't really see what was going on.

[A]

Well, you don't get the analysis and the breakdown and all of that. Let me ask you this. When. When Brady fumbles the ball and you guys recover, man, dude, what did you do?

[C]

Dude.

[A]

But by the way, you thinking, like, fuck, he's going to drive down the field. We're going to lose.

[C]

No, no, no, no. I, I never. This is what's crazy. Normally with all the Eagles teams, I'm like, ah, they don't got it. Something that weird stomach feeling. But this team, it was just this, this year. And I sound destiny. They lost their fucking quarterback. I'm getting misty eyed thinking about It. But then I was like, ah, it's not about Tom. It's about the Eagles. That's how I felt this year about this team.

[A]

So I didn't like how you guys all ran out as a team and everybody's like, well, sure that you're gonna win. It's like, we've been doing that. You stole our fucking. That was our thing, by the way.

[C]

I think that's stupid.

[A]

What?

[C]

From the year you guys did it to now, I think it's stupid. I loved the intros.

[A]

I kind of missed. It was like, I gotta tell you, dude, we went. We've. We've gone. We've gone five and three doing it that way, and we've been to eight of them, so you might want to keep doing that. You know what else was driving me nuts was Chris Collinsworth flipping out about that trick play. That might be the most unbelievable fucking thing. It's like, dude, we just ran that fucking play.

[C]

But here's the thing. I saw, I saw that clip. And when you were coming, you said, oh, I wish Tom would have laid out. I wish he caught it. And the only reason, because I wanted to get. I wanted him to get hit.

[A]

Oh, you did.

[C]

Just, just.

[A]

Can I be honest with you? That guy. Every fucking super bowl has driven us down for the win.

[C]

Everyone.

[A]

You know, and I actually looked at all the Super Bowls and I would say that we very easily could have been seven and one. And the one game we should have lost was the Seattle game. They should have just given it to Marshawn Lynch. Both Giants games, we had Brady Welker. Boom. First down over Asante Samuels intercepts the fucking ball that hits him in both hands. We got that one.

[C]

But that Asante Samuel. But this Eagles one minded. I was pretty fucking drunk by the end of it, by the end of the game. And I just. I. I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

[A]

I never felt good about this. I never felt good about the team or the game going in. I said, I believe I said on a podcast, take the Eagles and the.

[C]

Points on the points. Yes. Yes.

[A]

Yeah. And I thought you guys. I thought, I thought you guys had an unbelievable defense. I'm like, these guys. This is looking like the fucking Giants, dude. Where was the defense in that game? It was like a fucking Pro bowl, by the way.

[C]

I watched the game four times afterwards just to watch it. Only Tom could have done that against that defense.

[A]

You know what's funny?

[C]

Only Tom, because I was watching some of those passes and how, how he got out of the pocket. Only Tom could have done that well against that defense because most, most line. Most.

[A]

I'll have to watch, I'll have to watch it again because I didn't think you guys, dude, I thought both quarterbacks had like all day. I didn't think he really got to Brady.

[C]

Nick Foles had all day. Tom got hit like 12 times. But your line was better than most.

[A]

Yeah, dude, we just didn't have a defense. I gotta tell you, I, I, I, I would never question our coaching staff. The Malcolm, but anytime we do that, I remember that time Wes Welker, like made all the. When what's his face found out he had the foot fetish. Rex Ryan. So Welker does this whole interview, like sort of giving him shit, going, you know, hey, we're just, you know, you're playing the jets, whatever. He goes, yeah, we're gonna put our best foot forward, you know. Yeah, it was funny. And then they kept him out for the first quarter. Anytime we do that, I don't know if we've probably done that other times, but it just reminded me of that game. Be like, oh, we're fucking with the chemistry here. But, but I'm a stand up comedian, Kevin. I'm not a fucking offensive coordinator. So what? Our defensive coordinator. What do I know?

[C]

But I watched that game four more times. Like I said, oh, it's the best, dude.

[A]

I still have the fucking Seattle and the Atlanta games. Still, still on my. Fuck. I still have it. I bought and I got the thing. Never erased. And my wife's like, you're never gonna watch. He's like, yeah, I am.

[C]

You are. You will. But you, you're bored or you want to get your spirits up?

[A]

She goes to bed early. Dude, I'm never going to watch this. I just taped the highlights of all 51. There's like, there's five losses in there. Well, four losses now. We got a fifth one. And I'm still going to watch those.

[C]

No, it's, it's the best. By the. I'm trying to.

[A]

I remember Super Bowl 20. We were up three nothing against the 46 defense. Tony Franklin, speaking of feet, his bare feet came out and kicked one. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know. Bears are talking all this shit. I'll do that. That was the most dominant defense that I ever saw. Here's a good one. Super Bowl 6. Super Bowl 6 is the Dallas Cowboys and the Miami Dolphins. What's interesting is Tom Landry and Don Shula, two legendary coaches. But when that game went down. They were both considered losers. And, like, one of them's finally going to get their monkey off the back. Dallas had the thing. They could never win the big one, and they'd only been around since 1960, but they lost the Ice bowl up in Green Bay. I don't do it. I'm a fucking nerd.

[C]

Yeah. I'm trying.

[A]

And then the year before they played the Colts, they got there again and they fucking lost to the Colts in a really messy game. And then Don Shuler, his big thing was he was what he was coaching the 69 Colts that lost to the jets, the first NFL team to lose to an AFL team, was a major embarrassment. And that ended his career there. And then he went over to the Dolphins.

[C]

Wasn't that the undefeated season?

[A]

No, no, they went. They went three years in a row. One of, I think, two teams to ever go three years in a row, and only one has ever gone four years in a row, and that's the Bills. They lost to the Cowboys, and then the next year, they beat the. Did they beat the Reds? Yeah, they beat the Redskins. That was the undefeated year. That was the year that they had them beat for. There was 14 to nothing, and they were lining up to kick a field goal. This is how much the NFL has changed. It's like there's like two minutes left in the third quarter, and if this thing goes through, they're like, the gut announchers are going, this game's over.

[C]

It's in the third quarter.

[A]

Yeah, because no one's gonna score that because, dude, all they did was fucking run because they were, like, greasy. Was 4 for 4 in the first quarter.

[C]

That's funny. Do you know, I love. I love the fact that back then, how much cocaine those guys. Did you ever see that cocaine Cowboys and the one.

[A]

Isn't that a movie?

[C]

It was a documentary and it was about, you know, the cocaine trafficking.

[A]

But what? The cocaine in the Super Bowl. Wasn't it about cocaine trafficking?

[C]

Cocaine trafficking. They remember they were telling the story about the Steelers and the Dolphins in the AFC Championship game, or Steelers in the super bowl in Miami. That entire old line went out the night before, and the guy gave them all the coke they wanted up to, like, 4 in the morning.

[A]

It's also a jailbird trying to get into a fucking documentary, right?

[C]

No, no, he was. He was the main guy.

[A]

Well, here's the thing, though. They also like the medical industry, whatever you call them, said cocaine is no more addicting than coffee or caffeine.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's what they initially said. If you ever want to read an unbelievable book, read the Hollywood Henderson. He was basically the Lawrence Taylor before Lawrence Taylor, and he got crazy on drugs. And the reason why Lawrence Taylor looks like he just fell out of the sky. And no one ever played the game like that. He is. Because Hollywood Henderson messed up his career so bad. But there's highlights of that guy. That guy was unbelievable. In fact, I believe Super Bowl 10, 1976, when he played. When the Cowboys played the Steelers, they kicked the ball off. He's a linebacker. They had him return it, and he ran it, like 55 fucking yards. The only person who stopped him was Roy Jarella. Dove to knock him out of bounds and had his ribs exposed. And Henderson's knees hit him in the ribs, and it fucked him up. And it caused Jarella. It's really interesting. Caused him to fuck up a couple of kicks. And so that was a big thing for the Cowboys, but they fucked up because on the second miss or something, or the first or second miss, Cliff Harris from the Cowboys gets in Roy Jerrello's face going like, hey, you fucked up, buddy. And Jack Lambert was on the field and just picked fucking Cliff Harris up like a rag doll and threw him under the ground, like, basically.

[C]

That's amazing.

[A]

Yeah. And didn't get a penalty. There's another thing, too, when you watch those old highlights. Yeah. Back then. Hey, knock it off, fellas.

[C]

Yeah. They didn't give a fuck.

[A]

Yeah. They were in helmets. They bought at Sears.

[C]

Brian Dawkins. There's videos of him suplexing guys.

[A]

Well, here's the thing. The Cowboys had that fucking game one in the first half, they called all these trick plays. They were loose. They were throwing the ball, doing all that they got. In the second half, they played fucking Marty ball. And I'm telling you, man, no sport. You more when you play not to lose than football. I don't know what it is.

[C]

That's just. The Falcons are doing. Yeah, granted, Tom played fucking lights out.

[A]

But, you know, dude, that's a. That's a colossal.

[C]

It's a collapse. It's a collapse. I mean, you know more about football history. I'm more recent, but I don't know shit about football.

[A]

I've just watched a lot of video on it. Like, I watched super bowl highlights. The way Tom Brady actually watches game, by the way.

[C]

I don't want it. Here's the thing. I like Carson Wentz, and you must love Tom Brady. I don't want to see their personal.

[A]

Life I don't, I could give a shit.

[C]

No, I'm not built that way.

[A]

I don't like pre or post game analysis.

[C]

Yeah. I don't like any of that shit. I don't want, I don't want.

[A]

As I sit here talking about the game.

[C]

No. But I don't want a human moment. I don't. This is going to sound fun. I don't want to see him as human. I just want to see him as athletes.

[A]

Here's the thing. I think they're entitled to their privacy. I think that you should be able to go out as an NFL quarterback and if you want to go out and do some blow in a titty bar. Yeah. Here's what I can't stand about people today with their phones. If they saw the local quarterback doing blow in a titty bar, he was rather than thinking, well, I'm here too. You know what I mean?

[C]

No, I get it.

[A]

They will literally film the guys and go, oh, my God, I can't believe it. There's our starting quarterback. It's like, what do you do?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You work with heavy machinery.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What the do you do? You're, you're in the titty bar too. And that's the like, the whole, like, just let somebody go out, have a good time, just shut the up.

[C]

Just like there's everybody telling on everybody. Just, they're just so mad being Jimmy John's managers, and it's just like the guy.

[A]

You can be a Jimmy John's manager and you can have a hell of a.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

You could tell a week. You could have a fucking weekend that would make Tom Brady be like, get the fuck out of here.

[C]

Well, Tom doesn't do that. Tom's not doing that.

[A]

What do you mean?

[C]

He's not going out and getting fucking nuts?

[A]

No, I'm not saying he is, but I'm saying he should be able to. Second you said that. All I thought about was Ken Stabler. I heard this great story, used to play for the Oakland Raiders before that horrific trade where they got Dan Pastorini and they switched them both and he became an oiler and finished up at the Saints, I believe.

[C]

And he farts full of snats today.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, No, I, I, that's all I did was look at football cards back then. So his coach was giving him one time because he went out boozing the night before.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's just like, hey, what the, you going out? I'll party the night before you have a game. He just goes, coach, he goes, how many hours Sleep. You need to go play a couple hours of football.

[C]

That's awesome.

[A]

And there's nothing to say. There's nothing.

[C]

You're like. You're right. You're right.

[A]

No. And those guys used to go out there, and they would just sling it, like, I. I don't know. So, anyways, real quick, how far into this are we?

[C]

Half hour.

[A]

Half hour. Fuck. At some point, I got to read some advertising. So when they finally fucking win it. Are you with other Eagle fans? Are you crying? Are you talking people? You in stunned silence by yourself?

[C]

No.

[A]

Where'd you watch the game out of.

[C]

Do you remember that casino we played in San Diego? We flew in the helicopter. It's north.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you were there.

[C]

So we were there. The girl I'm dating, the girl I'm saying, the lady friend, she's like, I know you're not gonna want to be around anyone, so I'll get your hotel. So she got us a hotel, and then she's like, I want to sit by the pool, so I'll rent us the cabana with the tv. It was fucking awesome. We had a whole entire cabana, just ourselves.

[A]

I don't put any pressure on the relationship, but you got to marry that girl.

[C]

I couldn't believe it. She goes, she's a Steelers fan. She loves football, too. But she goes, I get it. She goes, this is your day, dude. She's.

[A]

You understand.

[C]

I know I could.

[A]

How many times you said to a woman, I get it, and you were right, and you made that day.

[C]

No, I'm telling you, when she. When I said to her, find a.

[A]

Woman that gets it.

[C]

And I totally said to her, I go, you can totally buy my love. I'm all. I'm all for it. So I never day drink.

[A]

Classic guy. She does something great. All you have to say was something sweet. And then you made it seem so hookerish. Maybe.

[C]

Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. So I. I don't ever day drink. That's one of the reasons why the Rose bowl thing is out the window. Because I. I'll get. I turn. You see me when I'm drunk.

[A]

Do you think that's why you've never been?

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

Because the reason they're actually. I'm gonna come clean.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We've never had you there.

[C]

Well, the first couple years.

[A]

No. You've never been there?

[C]

No, no. I'm saying, the first couple years, you say, hey, come. I said, I don't think I.

[A]

Then I got to know you better.

[C]

Yeah, I told you.

[A]

And then we had a talk, me and Bartnik, we're like, listen, we love Shea, but the year we bring Shea is the year we get kicked out. Yeah, in the first quarter.

[C]

And I, and I admit I told you guys that. I even told Bartlett. I go, bart, it. If you, if I come and I'm start drinking at 10. Oh, it's done 10.

[A]

So we try seven, we get there when it starts.

[C]

How the fuck do you even go to the game? I'm always blown away.

[A]

I literally drink, pass out, wake up with a hangover and recover before the game even starts. I still can't believe it's Sunday.

[C]

That's amazing.

[A]

I always fall asleep when liheid lied. Always makes some fucking insane. Like for the, for the main course. I never make it to the main course. I always wake up. I always wake up, it's already over me. One year I was so shit faced, I actually had the after dinner cigar first. And then all of a sudden he brought over like a pork shoulder and I was smoking a cigar, shit faced, trying to eat pork shoulder with my hands. And occasionally I would look up and see families walking by with children.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

I was just like, wow, man. I remember going to Sullivan Stadium back in the day and seeing guys like me.

[C]

That's amazing. Oh, real quick. So I got wasted.

[A]

End of the year by yourself. What are you drinking?

[C]

Jameson soda. All the time. Jameson soda. And she's.

[A]

Are you pacing the room? The bed's still made, right?

[C]

Oh, no, no, I'm pacing the cabana. Oh, the cabana. That's the cabana with no shirt, just shirt, shorts, no shoes, a hat, and just a drink in my left hand. And then the other commander next to us was all Patriots fans. They were all like big white dudes. Oh God. But they were great. They were like nice guys. Because I became the loud one, obviously I became nuts. So there's one guy who was like this big fat white dude with a beard. Every time he walked by the tank, go Pats. I go, eh.

[A]

I couldn't even speak.

[C]

I was just so like angry. I'm like, so at the end of it.

[A]

Well, he's being a cunt.

[C]

Yeah, I know he's being a cunt. But he actually came over.

[A]

He's being a big fat white cunt.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. But he came over and he was really cool. He shook my hand and congratulated me. But by the end of the game, dude, I lost it. I started throwing the flipping over the lounge chairs.

[A]

Oh God.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know why?

[C]

Because I was just fucking excited. That's. That's how I get. So I just started flipping over the lounge chairs.

[A]

Do you think that. That Eagles fans are really that bad or. The rep was there, so now they just try to find the gu. Eating horseshit. You gotta admit, horseshit's pretty big.

[C]

It's all sports fans are bad.

[A]

That whole, like, Eagles fans are pedestrian compared to out here.

[C]

Yeah, like Oakland fans, dude.

[A]

You can get. You can get killed out there. A guy got killed at a Dodgers game, dude.

[C]

A guy.

[A]

Eagles playing, they'll throw full beers at you. They'll dump one over your head. You want to get into a fist fight, they'll do that.

[C]

A guy.

[A]

They'll eat farm animal.

[C]

Evidently stab at a Raiders preseason.

[A]

Preseason game like, Raiders 49ers.

[C]

Who cares? And I'm so sick of the fucking snowball Santa. Who gives a fuck?

[A]

You know what I was making fun of?

[C]

Who gives a fuck?

[A]

Anytime you guys are in a big game, like, the big cheesy thing, whenever Boston is in a big game, what they talk about is. They'll talk about, you know, they'll show, like, fucking the Paul Revere statue or something in North End. All this shit that nobody from Boston ever went to unless you went on some field trip that you. That you probably psyched as a kid because you didn't have to go to school. The freedom trail and the foliage and some lobster fisherman tying a sailor's knot. I don't even know what. I don't even know what they do, you guys. It's always. You know what it is.

[B]

What is it?

[C]

It's the Rocky statue, Philly cheesesteak snowball Santa. I'm like, did you just say Pennsylvania is a fucking.

[A]

Can I. Next time I go to Philly. Next time I go to Philly, I'm going to. Going to one of those fucking cheesesteak places. I'm gonna say this. Hello, I would like a Philadelphia cream Philadelphia cheesesteak sandwich with peppers and onions and provolone cheese, please. I'm so sick of them telling me how to. You gotta give me a whiz, Whit. I'm not saying that.

[C]

It's so stupid.

[A]

I have legal tender. Make me a sandwich. It's the only city that's like that. Oh, in Boston, you want some clam chowder, you gotta go.

[C]

So stupid. I'm like, I don't. I love Philly cheesesteaks. I'm from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. I love them, but I don't love them enough to say this. Is what I'm about. I'm not a fucking hoagie.

[A]

Can I tell you something, dude? I hate clam chowder. Clam chowder tastes like it was in. You know what it tastes like?

[C]

Fish jizz.

[A]

No, it isn't. You know, it is that shit that cows chew when they're in between their three stomachs and they just yak in a bowl. That's what the fuck it tastes like.

[C]

You took it to another level. I like clam chowder.

[A]

Fish. Just fish. Just to me still seems like it'd be clear or else. Or else every part of the ocean would be foggy. Their eggs are clear. They got clear jizz.

[C]

I like, I like clam chowder. And I don't even like milky shit. I'm like lactose intolerant. I like clam chowder, but. But it's not a big deal. Like Philly cheesesteaks out. It's just so fucking nuts. And they show it cooking, like them cooking it every football game.

[A]

Poor cut of meat. I actually, I like, I really like cheesesteaks, but I just hate that whole thing. You gotta say it this way. I know.

[C]

I don't, I, I, I haven't played Philly in so long. I don't, I don't. I've never eaten at any of those places.

[A]

Oh, all right.

[C]

Yeah, I, I stay away from.

[A]

Oh, I gotta, I gotta tell you something. I had a. You know, I got this old truck, so I listen to AM radio. So it's just either sports talk, somebody speaking some sort of Korean, or like political.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Right wing stuff. So I'm listening to the sports talk, and they were talking about that, whatever, that whatever our coordinator's name is Josh or some shit.

[C]

Daniels.

[A]

Yeah. He interviewed for the Colts job. All of that, all of that shit. And then he walks away the last second. And then they're talking about it, and this one guy's going like, looks it. You know, there's nothing not illegal about it. I don't like the way it went down, but blah, blah. And this other guy on the show, he goes, this is just indicative of the Patriots once again bending the rules. It's like, you've got to be shitting me. It's like the level that people didn't pay attention to Deflategate. It's like what that guy did to us if that's all we do back to him. Let's just say that was a conspiracy.

[B]

Okay, Josh, you're gonna go in there.

[A]

Even though we're preparing for the Super Bowl. Fuck all of that. We're gonna have this big conspiracy. We're gonna just waste their fucking time. If that's all we did to them. He got off easy. He cost us a million dollars and two draft picks over some bullshit.

[C]

And you guys deserve that.

[A]

Why?

[C]

I'm fucking with you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, but here's the thing.

[A]

I was hoping you had a point. I could actually become the piece. My favorite thing. But cherry on top of that story. The cherry on top of that story is not that the fucking idiot found deflated balls on the cold side, too. It's that the fucking guy in the Colts that caught the ball, the initial one that started all that bullshit. Allegedly. Listen to this. Yeah, that guy. You know what he did in the next year, the two years within that? He tested positive for Steve. Steroids. Where was ESPN there?

[C]

You still are mad. You won the super bowl that year. Like that.

[A]

No, he didn't.

[C]

Yeah, he did.

[A]

No, he did. Remember? We did.

[C]

For four years. Are you talking about the suspension or the flake?

[A]

Eight happened and then. And then the next year, like, he got fucking suspended. Then they went to court, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it got up there. And then he got fucking suspended. It got laughed out of court. The judge was mad. You're wasting a fucking time. Then the NFL was butthurt that we beat him. And then they fucking come back and they go, all right, Is the NFL a corporation? Yes. Is Tom Brady an employee? Does a corporation have a right to suspend an employee? That's how they suspended him. They found a loophole. Then he got suspended. It's like three years of shit.

[C]

Fair enough.

[A]

But we wasted fucking a week of that guy's life and fucked him over a season. Fuck that guy.

[C]

All right, fair enough. I don't like that guy. I don't like the Colts. I agree with you, but you got a super.

[A]

I don't mind Colts fans.

[C]

Well, fans, I don't really do.

[A]

We would. We would have got the fucking super bowl anyways.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Well, you know, we did do.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

You know what? And then the 49ers, when they had to spend all that money on a guy who's played five games.

[C]

Oh, Garoppolo.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

That.

[A]

What are they doing?

[C]

He's gonna be good. You know he's gonna be good. Garoppolo, dude.

[A]

Okay, He's.

[B]

He.

[A]

He looks like he's gonna be good. Dude, there's been. I'm not saying he's not gonna be good, but, dude, that guy's making More money than like Aaron Rodgers.

[C]

You know what, I do disagree with you. Tom Brady would not have played as well if he didn't get suspended those first four games two years ago.

[A]

Listen, I will say this. I liked a 39, four year old guy getting four games off. I like that. But I don't think it added any more. Dude, he's like psycho driven. Anyways, my only thing about him is I don't want him to go out like Brett Favre. I don't. Because this whole fucking thing, Tom versus time. If he plays. He's 45. You know, as long as he's still competitive, I just don't want to see him like on the Rams like Joe Namath fucking Johnny Unites wearing a fucking Chargers uniform.

[C]

He's too proud. He won't.

[A]

I hope he doesn't do that.

[C]

Why the fuck is he doing this weird reality show? I don't get it. What, what is that?

[A]

I'm not going to pay attention to him, but that makes me fucking nervous.

[C]

He.

[A]

Because he never did shit like.

[C]

That's what I mean.

[A]

Peyton Manning did like 400 commercials a year. I thought that helped us.

[C]

Yeah, because Peyton is kind of like the. Every guy like he comes off like a dumb farmer. I mean people like that in the fucking Midwest, I fucking hate. I can't. I don't like the Colts in general.

[A]

You have to beat the Chargers. That's what I would have sunk. Somebody asked me today like hey, you know, where does. Where does it. This is just going to be all football talk. Where does. Where does. You know Tom Brady having the greatest coach of all time in the Brady versus Peyton Manning argument. And that's a fair point. But I be honest with you, I actually liked Eli. I would rather have had Eli in January.

[C]

Yeah, Eli's a better playoff quarterback than Eli.

[A]

His brother can stink in September, October. But then when you know you need him to turn it on, turns it on.

[C]

Dan Marino. Wouldn't you say Peyton Manning is the greatest regular season quarterback of all time?

[A]

First of all, Dan Marino gets an unbelievable bad rap, okay? Peyton Manning was part of a three headed monster.

[C]

Already won that Super Bowl.

[A]

No, just like Edger and James and, and what's his face there? Wide receiver. Just forgot his name.

[C]

Marvin.

[A]

Marvin Harrison. I never had his football card, so I'll never remember.

[C]

Silly guy.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Shot two people.

[A]

No, he didn't.

[C]

He legend.

[A]

Allegedly. Allegedly.

[C]

Well, alleged.

[A]

Maybe they allegedly. Maybe they ate his horse shit. He was upset. They fucking. Dan Marino had no running game and no defense.

[C]

That's great.

[A]

His entire career. What was he supposed to do? I'll tell you right up. Tom Brady would not have won a fucking super bowl with fucking and Don Shuler. Everybody stole all his tricks. By the time the dude Davarina would have thrown easily for 6,000 yards in today's NFL.

[C]

Yeah, well, today's NFL. Do you like it?

[A]

No. No, I don't like it. They went too far. And what I'm liking about watching these first Super Bowls is I like more the running. I like the defenses had nicknames and stuff. It was. It was a meaner game, and it was a more strategic game. And dupers. He said the funniest fucking shit about that Eagles, Patriots, Super Bowl. He's like, dude. He goes, that's the kind. That's the kind of game your girlfriend likes.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You know, I mean, like, if soccer had that much scoring, I'd be like, dude, that was a great fucking game. Then all those English guys would be like, right.

[C]

Made it fucking.

[A]

They would be able to break down the game as to why it sucked.

[C]

Everyone keeps telling me, what a great game. Congratulations. I'm happy because the Eagles won. I'm happy. But it wasn't a great.

[A]

It was a shit show.

[C]

It wasn't a great game. There was no fucking defense. And I said it was viewer friendly.

[A]

Yeah. But then I have to be honest with you, that is all those rule changes, I always blame Jim or say because I'm a cunt, but it's all of them. It's because they're trying to expand the game. And you know that they've done studies and you know that offense sells the game. That's why I think MLB looked the other way when everyone was all roided up and they actually act surprised. All the owners get to act surprised. Like, oh, we had no fucking idea.

[C]

Really.

[A]

Like, we don't know the comics that are partying. Yeah, the MLB doesn't pay the guy a zillion dollars a fucking year. You don't know what he's doing. But it's like the NBA, like, that game was fucked. That. That when they had the strike and they didn't have the World Series and all of that shit, they needed something to come back.

[C]

By the way, that was a fucking awesome year, though. It was like.

[A]

It was fucking amazing.

[C]

It was. It was fucking amazing. I remember watching in college, every lunch, every. In the cafeteria, we'd watch the fucking highlights.

[A]

Like, who I went to.

[C]

Like, I never.

[A]

I went to the game when Mark McGuire hit his 27th or 28th home run. It was down in San Diego when they're still playing at Qualcomm Stadium. I went there with this Boston comic, Dan Smith, and we were sat in the upper deck and went, Fucking McGuire, dude. The place was packed for his, for his. When he, when he would take batting practice and the whole place. He came up to the plate for batting practice. Standing ovation, it was like 3/4.

[C]

Amazing.

[A]

For batting practice. Everybody's going to this. The funniest shit ever. The first pitch in, he laid down a bunt and everybody booed. And then he laughed and everybody laughed because it was kind of a cool way to get rid of the stress. Here, let me. I got to read a couple of advertisements here and then I want to talk about what's going on with mailboxes.

[C]

What?

[A]

I'm going to talk to you about it, all right? Mauled and groped by fucking cougars that never, never, never are they brought to.

[C]

How do you print the stamps?

[A]

Well, I don't know. You fucking use a computer. You have your assistant do it. That's what you do, actually. And right now you too can enjoy some of somebody born in the 90s. You have to do it. And right now you too can enjoy the stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in Burr that stamps dot com. Enter Burr. Use your computer and your printer. That's how you do it.

[C]

I don't have a printer.

[A]

Then you use. You don't have a printer?

[C]

I don't have a printer.

[A]

All right. You know you went negative on all the ads. No, I like them all. You're not getting a touch. You don't need a home security system and evidently you don't mail shit. Do you mail shit?

[C]

I, I don't mail shit. I return. The only time I ever mail shit, I have to return a Fuck.

[A]

How do you pay bills?

[C]

Online.

[A]

You pay online?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And do you use like your banking online?

[C]

Yeah. Do you not do that?

[A]

No.

[C]

Do you. You do not fucking mail checks all the time. You're fucking with me.

[A]

No.

[C]

Do you know? Do you. So you need. So wait. Well, hold the.

[A]

I'm one of the last ones because what's gonna say is no fucking. They're starting to get rid of mailboxes. They're starting to weld them. Shut up. You go up to one, you're like, oh, good. And then you can't get it. In there.

[C]

What?

[A]

Yeah, they're going away. Like, remember those, those, those phone booths? The big red phone booths that they had in England?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And now for some reason, they sold all of them over here because we're weird and we want to.

[C]

So they're turning those into new mailboxes, I think.

[A]

I think a bunch of people in England are going to buy our old post office boxes and someone just stick them in their man caves.

[C]

Someone just bought the LA Times. So how the fuck are we going to get the LA Times if there's mailboxes don't work?

[A]

Don't you have a paper boy now? There's no paper boys.

[C]

I do. See. I see Mexican moms driving their kids around in the mornings when I'm up in the mornings and they fill their.

[A]

Fucking paper, God bless them. My dad used to do this with us. That's why I have the work ethic. I had a paper from third grade till the point it got weird. Yeah, my voice was starting to change. I couldn't walk away from the money. All my friends were always broke. I. Dude, I had no overhead. Football cards and candy were my biggest fucking expenses. That was it.

[C]

I wish. Wouldn't life be great if we could just.

[A]

I used to ride my bike up to the bowling alley. Go bowling. I paid for the whole fucking thing.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. Never had to go to my parents. Hey, man, can you owe me a couple of bucks, man? Never had to do that. I was fucking independent. Where you going, Bill? I'm going on a bike ride, all right? Get the fuck out of here. They didn't give a shit. We were. We were bowling and you were.

[C]

But you were exhausted at school. Guarantee you I wasn't. Oh, you were up at like 4 in the morning.

[A]

I rode a bike. I didn't go boozing. Plus, I was a kid. My. My body was brand new. All right? Premier League football. People write in, they ask questions and all this. All right?

[C]

Oh, nice. I like this.

[A]

Premier League football. Premier League. If I swear to God, the level of excitement, like whenever I put these games on, every time when I watch them, like, you know, they love it. I can get into it and then it's always. It's always like nighttime and shit. No, it makes you want to booze. You wish it was cold. You stuck on.

[B]

Ah, I got.

[A]

I gotta buy a scarf. I gotta start singing some songs.

[C]

I hate to be the cliche American, but I don't. I don't.

[A]

I don't like soccer.

[C]

I don't get soccer.

[A]

Sir William of Albinoville.

[C]

That was actually pretty.

[A]

That's a great one. They usually just go, hey, Billy Red Tits. Hey, you freckled cunt. You know, it's usual. I like that Sir William of Albino Bill that's almost begging for a picture. I think I got to dress up in a regal way. I got to make sure we wrap this up because I'm going to go see Todd Rex's Rex. Yep. And he sold out both of his shows. Oversold them. So thank you to everybody. Listen to Todd on this show. And bought a ticket. All right? There is only one team you can support in the English Premier League, and that is Liverpool. I'm just going to pause and wait for everybody in England. Listen. Oh, fuck. You fucking cunts. Beatlemania. It is deeply working class with a long Irish history. All right. I'm in. The city itself doesn't consider itself English, but a separate entity from the rest of the country. Oh, grow the fuck up. What are you, the South? You gonna secede from the Union? Liverpool Football Club is currently owned by Fenway Sports Group. That's the Red Sox.

[C]

Is it? Yeah.

[A]

Up until recently, we were the most successful team in England. But a barren spell due to tragedy and mismanagement finally seems to be coming to an end. Much like the Red Sox during their winless run. So why the fuck do I want to jump on the bandwagon? No, we had the most exciting attacking line in the league, possibly Europe. Our manager is an utter lunatic. A very rich history. Okay, I'm kind of in right now. Not all of it is good. Including 18 league titles and five European Cups, the best team in the whole of Europe is the European Cup. We've been targeted by the press, the media, and even the government. Oh, this is like the Patriots.

[C]

What is he.

[A]

I'm a fucking Liverpool fan. This isn't a franchise, Bill. Once you pick your team, or once your team picks you, that's it for life. No changing, no moving cities through good and bad. Up the reds, Billy boy. Hey, I don't switch teams. Don't even fucking suggest that I do that, you fucking cunt. But, yeah, I was going to pick Liverpool just because I like the Beatles.

[C]

He was just trying to get you to switch to Liverpool.

[A]

My favorite Beatles song of all time. We, we are. Isn't that them? We, we are the Beatles. All right, views. Do you get into soccer at all?

[C]

A little bit. World Cup.

[A]

World Cup. World Cup's kind of fun. Except that one year. That one year in Africa when they had those horns.

[C]

The. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

What were those things?

[C]

I don't know. I didn't watch much.

[A]

Dude, that instrument if, like, a kazoo fucked a bagpipe and Yoko Ono played it. All right, views on public speaking fees. Hey, Bill, longtime fan and listener, and I always enjoy your point of view on things. Look at that. He just went straight ahead.

[C]

Yeah, there you go.

[A]

Anyways, was listening to the most recent Monday morning podcast, and I was surprised to hear your point of view on speaking fees. Considering that you are in. In essence, a public speaker. I guess that you have some understanding how much more money this is relative to other named acts. I would be curious to see how much money other famous people get to talk if you knew those without naming names. Apparently Obama gets 400 grand per speech. No, I'm not a public speaker. I'm a. I'm a comedian. Yeah. You know, I mean, at that point, like, somebody going, like, you know, extra, extra, read all about it.

[C]

I don't like the ones who. I don't like motivational speakers.

[A]

Yeah. There's a reason that someone's called a public speaker.

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

It's because they're boring and they're not funny. You're called a comedian. You're actually entertaining.

[C]

It's like TED Talk.

[A]

Yeah. No, my problem that I had with these guys say, like, Obama, where everybody's looking at this guy like he's a fucking saint, is he's doing what all of these guys do. They all go into public office. They say they're there for the people. And by the. By the end of his, like, administration, he was already worth $80 million when he was making, like, four or five hundred grand a year.

[C]

But you gotta make some. I mean, everyone wants to make money.

[A]

No. Yeah, but I mean, they should give the president, fuck you, money. I'm not upset that he's making. It's the fact that I don't have the money to be like, hey, Obama. Hey, Trump. When you get in office, make sure the comedy club always has fresh calamari. His fucking 10 million bucks. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like they do, except they do it on a fucking global level.

[C]

Is he asking how much performers get paid?

[A]

I don't know what he's asking.

[C]

I don't know what the fuck he's asking.

[A]

On the flip side, should we even care how much money they get after they're out of office? Sir? Yes. All you have to do. How does the president get into office? How does he afford to get into office? He needs people to make campaign donations. All right. And when these fucking rich people make the donations and then after, after they're done and he does everything that they want to, then they go on the tour. That's them washing their bribe money.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, I'm gonna give you 400 grand to give an hour long speech. Yeah. The whole thing is rigged. Yeah, it's. It's, it's so fucking. That's what it is. I'm not, I'm not upset that this guy. I'm not upset that anyone can go out and make money. It's just the fact that you got these guys, they need $100 million to get a job that pays 4 or 500 grand a year. And before the. They're making 500 grand a year and by the end of it they are. They're already worth like 80 million bucks. Like, how the fuck did that happen?

[C]

How does that happen?

[A]

How does that, does that happen, Kevin? Someone should get to the bottom of it.

[C]

How the fuck does that happen?

[A]

Cuz it's all fucking corrupt. That's my problem, sir. And I think that the only true, like really decent, like truly public servant that I've seen as a, as a president in my lifetime was Jimmy Carter. I'm not saying he didn't go out and do public speeches. I didn't even look up to that. But the guy has spent his fucking, his golden years when he could just be sitting there painting like fucking George Bush, you know, he could be out there tagging broads like Clinton. He's fucking building homes for the home.

[C]

Isn't he shaking hands on an airplane too?

[A]

He's a fucking great dude.

[C]

Is that the guy? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You know what's funny? You know what's funny? He was the most human, most humane guy I've seen and he was considered to be an absolute pussy.

[C]

But we know that's the truth. That's how it works. You can't be nice and not be considered a pussy.

[A]

No, you can be. You can be. You can be a decent.

[C]

You can be decent.

[A]

Thing about it is, is he was nice enough when that whole fucking Iran shit with the hostages went down. He settled that without getting dragged into a war. So he's considered a pussy because big business could have gone in there and made their money, you know? Yeah, that's kind of not. Have to wait for another event to go in there and try to get a bunch of fucking oil.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Cheating with a boyfriend.

[C]

I like these.

[A]

Yeah, I like these. Here we go. Hey, Billy Burr. It's cold.

[C]

So we fuck.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, no. That's making fun of my last name.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

That takes me back to, like, grade school. All right, I'm a female. I got a lady writing in. By the way, dude, you're a fucking great guest, man. And you're a fucking great comedian. Kevin Shea. You gotta see Kevin Shea and listen to the old fuck. Don't. Wait, wait, wait, wait. All I'm saying.

[C]

All I'm saying. Oh, no, no. S. But that was pretty good. All I'm saying.

[A]

And where are you performing next?

[C]

I'm at the Ice House Tuesday.

[A]

Give me a paid gig, man.

[C]

Oh, West Palm beach this weekend. But that's. I'm with Ken Jeong.

[A]

Ken John. All right. The guy from Hangover. Oh, there you go.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

The improv.

[C]

Yeah, West Palm Beach.

[A]

Improv. Improv. There you go. They can go to kevinshay.com.

[C]

Go to Kevin Shea TV. Some fucking white guy in upper upstate New York has Kevin Shay.

[A]

Kevin Shea tv.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And go down, check him out. He's fucking hilarious. All right, Bill, I'm a female. This story isn't about me. It's about my friend.

[C]

That's a lie. I know.

[A]

My friend wants to fuck around on her husband. We're in our early 20s and have been friends since high school. We've always been there for each other, and even though our friendship has been long, it has been long distance since then. However, now we have a slight problem. She's been dating a guy for a year and they've been butting heads lately. One night, she got high with her roommate, who's a guy, and they started to kiss. And then, of course, one thing led to another. Apparently her roommate has been having feelings for her for a long time and wants to be in a relationship with her instead of just banging her. She broke up with her boyfriend using their conflicts as the reason instead of saying she cheated. We've all done that.

[C]

Yeah, we lie.

[A]

All three of them have been. Have a bunch of mutual friends. So she wants to lay low on the fact that she cheated. She also wants to give her now ex boyfriend time to heal before he finds out she's dating a roommate. This is called being a class act. Why bring extra hurt, right?

[C]

Yeah, but why not? I mean, at this point, if she's feeling guilty, just fucking say it.

[A]

That's easy to say at our age, but when you're young.

[C]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

When you're younger, you don't know how to do it.

[C]

She doesn't even have. She doesn't even know that it's Obviously her that.

[A]

Let's keep going here. I keep trying to tell her that it'd be better to come clean about what she's done now than to wait it out. I know whatever their. Whatever their gender. I know people know whatever their gender have the ability to cheat. Growing up, I've seen how being cheated on has affected people around me, including myself. I. I never thought that she would be the person to cheat. So my question is, I. People cheat. Whatever. And then, like, now she's judging her. So my question is, how can I get it through her head and she needs to handle this situation better, but also be a good friend to her at the same time. If Nia's there and has any advice, it would be great. Thanks. To go fucking fuck yourself. Second date problem. Oh, this is a different one.

[C]

You know what?

[A]

I think you need to butt out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

If we.

[C]

If we actually think this isn't about her, which I don't.

[A]

I think it's about her and someone's saying that to her.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. So if it's. If it's you. If it's.

[A]

This is. Actually, I don't think she would have worded it that way. I believe it.

[C]

Okay. If we believe it, it says none of your fucking business. You know, people make mistakes. We all human, you mean, so if you. If you're a good. This is the actual. If you're a real fucking friend, you wouldn't judge her.

[A]

Can I tell you something?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Once you get past the pain, she did you a favor.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause, you know, you weren't married, didn't have any fucking kids. You didn't have a house together and all that. So who gives a fuck? And then, you know, they were already butting heads. They weren't getting along. It was the end. Like it. And there were 22 that it's already over relationship. And you go fuck somebody.

[C]

I mean, it's not girls.

[A]

You know what? That's like an empty net goal. You know what I mean? I mean, I'll applaud it, but I mean, you know, you didn't fake out a goalie. It's garbage time. They got all the starters on the bench. It's garbage time. It's garbage time. Fucking.

[C]

You know what?

[A]

You.

[C]

Have you ever.

[A]

That's how I've done it. I've had it done to me. I found out later that she did it to me. I got mad. I was just like, it gives a fuck. It was over. It was over.

[C]

It's more. More than that. Whatever. Time you're in a relationship, it was over a half. Like, if you're in four years, it's been done for two years. That makes sense.

[A]

I would say a year and a half.

[C]

Year and a half. Breakups just don't happen overnight. You don't wake up like, you know, I'm fucking out of here. You draw it out, you start to get distance. You start fucking.

[A]

There should be a fucking course on how to break up in high school. In high school, they should teach young people how to do it. It would be so much better, I think, just so you don't fucking drag someone or you don't get dragged along. All you had to do is you just got to sit down. I remember one time I had to get out of a relationship, and I remember Steve Byrne had just got out of one. This was like fucking, you know, years ago. 20, 25 years ago. Right. And not 25. Like 20 years ago. And I literally asked him. I was like, what did you say? He goes, I just sat down and said. I just said, I'm not happy. That's what he started with. And I've given that advice on here, because I used that. I don't ever told him that. I just fucking used it.

[C]

I. I don't.

[A]

We need to. I'm just not like. Yeah, I just, you know, it's. It's just not working. It just doesn't feel right. I'm not happy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And this is the thing. But this is the thing. You have to get it all out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think we should break up. And you got it. You like. I think you just go, boom, boom. It's like monkey bars. Boom, boom, boom. Get across it. And then you say, we gotta break up. And she's gonna drag you through it like 50 times. It's like lying to the cops. You just stick to your fucking story.

[C]

Yeah, it's. But that whole. I'm not happy. I've heard it and I've said, usually drags out for seven more months.

[A]

No, it does. No, but that's you. It's. No, we're not happy. It's not working out. We need to break up. You know, I want to break up. What the fuck? It's done.

[C]

Yeah, no, I get it, I get it. But it never works that way. Usually the other person is like, no, we can work this out.

[A]

Then that's when you have to go. Al Madrigal. Listen, if you're living together. Yeah, if you're living together, it's hard. Then it's hard. If you're not living together. You have to go. Al Madrigal.

[C]

What? What now?

[A]

Al never told you that?

[C]

No, I want to know.

[A]

Dude, Al had a breakup one time. This chick had some shit at his house. He knew he was going to break up with her. Before he broke up. He said he told her, hey, I'm going to come over tonight. I think we need to talk about some things. So she's like, oh, okay. He fucking got a box, packed all his shit up that was at his apartment, walked over, set the box down and said, we got to break up. It's not working, dude. It was fucking clean. Yeah. Over.

[C]

That's. That's easy for Al because Al's a fucking maniac. Like, he does he. When he has learned from maniacs. No, I love maniacs. I'm kind of a maniac. I am kind of a maniac.

[A]

I'm a psycho.

[C]

When it comes to breaking up, they've never been good.

[A]

No, they're never good. That's why you got to get through it.

[C]

If you live with them, it's harder. If you don't live with them, it's easy.

[A]

And that's why people fucking hang in. And then they start cheating and they're doing all of this fucking shit because they're basically mentally broken up. So that woman there essentially didn't even. Like, as far as like. And on an emotional level, yeah. Didn't fucking. On a physical level, she cheated. But on an emotional level, she didn't because she already fucking broke up with the guy.

[C]

She was done. I find that when women are done, they're done.

[A]

Here's one. Here's one. When you know the other person was already other people. Okay. When you. Someone breaks up with you and they're not even crying, like, that means they already cried it out with their friends. They got no tears left. And it's just like, wow, man. This. How long is this? Yeah.

[C]

You know, I've never cried at a breakup. I can't. And they get.

[A]

Guys don't cry.

[C]

All the girl. All my ex girlfriend. All my ex girlfriend's ex boyfriend. They're like. They cry. They cry. I was like, because they're friends. I was gonna say the other word. So I'm glad I did it, but.

[A]

Which I would have known.

[C]

This is how I know. This is how I know. This is how I know when it's done. When they don't kiss you goodbye in the morning, like, because I don't get up for work.

[A]

This is how I know it's done. When. When they're mad at you and you.

[C]

Don'T give a. Yeah, yeah. You're like, ah, yeah.

[A]

And then they come in and they start doing the cold shoulder thing.

[C]

Yeah, you're like.

[A]

And they're not fucking you. It's just like.

[C]

And you're like, good, good. No, you're right. You're right. Because then you start getting more productive because you got so much mental time.

[A]

Oh, there's nothing worse than getting dumped. But if you're the one breaking up with some, I. Dude, I've been on both sides. I've broken hearts. I've had my heart broken.

[C]

It's brutal. It's brutal. I think that's why I'm so numb to it all now.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Just fucking numb.

[A]

But, oh, no, I already know if my. If my marriage never worked out, I would never get married again. And I would just give my wife everything. And then I would. I'll just go. I'll go live in a fucking trailer.

[C]

My. My buddy.

[A]

I'm not doing it again. I'm not. I'm not getting on the fucking ride again. Yeah, that's it now just fucking wherever she lives. I'll just drive the trailer down the street so I can still see my kid.

[C]

You can send in one of those AirPods. You ever see those things?

[A]

I don't know. I would get a fucking. I'd buy one of those VW buses. No, I get a studio. I get all the sports packages. That'd be it.

[C]

I don't.

[A]

Electronic drum kit. I just go back to what the fuck I had.

[C]

I'm actually shocked that you got married, to be honest with you.

[A]

Best thing I ever did.

[C]

Well, Nia's great, but it's weird.

[A]

It's.

[C]

I don't know. I don't know if I'm ever getting married, to be honest. It's like, I want to get married, but I don't know if I'm too.

[A]

You'll do it when you're ready.

[C]

Yeah, I'm too 42.

[A]

I wasn't married. I got married at 45.

[C]

I got three more years.

[A]

I mean, it's great. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, five years in. I'm already going to turn 50. Where the fuck am I going? Actually, where am I going? What am I gonna go back to fucking the club? Hey, ladies. You're looking for a bald redhead.

[C]

God, it's so sad. I saw. I see comics like that. I don't mention any names, but when you see.

[A]

Oh, believe me, dude, that was a motivation I'm not gonna be the cliche.

[C]

It's so fucking sad. I was like, oh, God. I don't. It's so sad. I don't like dating. I don't. I don't. I can't tell you. I haven't dated since I started doing stand up. Really? If that makes any sense. Like, I meet girls and then we just start hanging out and then I send end up picking them. That sounds weird.

[A]

You start what?

[C]

We start hanging out and then I just picked them. I was like, oh, this is the one. I'm gonna hang out with this one for a while.

[A]

Do they know that's what you're doing?

[C]

I don't know if they do.

[A]

Yeah. You need to just listen. The best thing I have fucking learned is you just gotta fucking say what you're thinking.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's one of the reason most of the women that date like me, because I pretty much say what I'm thinking.

[B]

That's all.

[A]

How happy would you be if a woman did that?

[C]

It'd be fucking amazing.

[A]

I'm not saying like, hey, you look ugly today. I'm not saying that. But I mean, like, you know, don't be mean. But like, just say, dude. I remember one time the watershed moment my relationship was Nia had one of her friends was having a fucking birthday party, right? The same night the Celtics and Lakers were playing like Game 6 of the NBA Finals, okay? She's like, what are you doing Tuesday? Right? She doesn't talk like that. That's just how it sounds in my head. So she's like, what are you doing? So I'm like, I'm watching the game. She's like, does the pouty face, you know, the manipulation starts, Sexy voice and then the pout, right? So she's already tried two fucking tactics. And not only is a friend having a birthday party, it's like some fucking 1920s themed birthday party. So I have to buy a fucking costume flapper. Yeah. I get addressed like I'm in the purple gang or some shit, right? So she goes, do you want to go? And I just. I said, no.

[C]

I like that. I like that.

[A]

Yeah. She goes, what do you mean no? She goes, why not? I go, that sounds horrific. She goes, she laughed. She goes, what do you mean? She goes, she's a friend of yours. I go, no, she isn't. I go, she's your friend. I've become friendly with her because you know her. Yeah, but she's not my friend. I was sick this week. She didn't know, she didn't call me. She's not my friend. I just kept. I just kept saying no. And the more I said no, the more she thought it was funny. But she got frustrated. Then she just started laughing. I go, I'm not going fucking down there dressed like Charlie Chaplin. I want to watch this game. I don't want to fucking do this. So then she was. She goes, can't you just. She goes, well, what time does the game start? I go, you're such a asshole.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So now I got to go to this fucking party and then race back. So then I just made a compromise. I said, all right, the game fucking starts. Are you wet at whatever? I said, here's the deal. I go, I will drive you there. I will make an appearance. I'm not dressing up, and I'm leaving with plenty of fucking time to get back.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So the. Before the game starts.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. And I don't want you going.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I don't want to hear that. Once again, that's not how she sounds. That's how she sounds when she says shit like that. So she said, fine. So I fucking show up. I drop this thing off, and I show up, and there's all these fucking guys there dressed like fucking Charlie Chaplin and Al Capone and shit. And I come walking in with, like, a fucking Celtics shirt on, dressed all regular. It's like, hey, you didn't dress up. I said, no, no, mom getting out of here in, like, 10 minutes. And they go, where you going? I go, I'm gonna watch the Celtics game, and it's the finals.

[C]

That's fucking hilarious.

[A]

And I remember the look on their faces, and I was thinking, yeah, I felt awesome.

[C]

I bet they were so jealous.

[A]

Dude, you know what? You know how many times I've been the guy in the fucking. Really Chaplin outfit?

[C]

You know, I've always been pretty hard about saying no. Like, I'll just say no. You know what I mean? But then I'm pretty good about compromise, though, if they want to do something important to them. So as long as I get to do what I want, and then if they have something.

[A]

No, I have a bunch of compromises.

[B]

I have the.

[A]

Okay, but you're driving and I'm drinking. I go to brunch if you drive and I can drink.

[C]

That's the thing, you know, that is.

[A]

The one thing I still don't. I don't do brunch.

[C]

Yeah. That's the one thing I.

[A]

This is. Every time they walk, there's a line and then they walk and they come on. They go, it's gonna be 40 minutes.

[C]

Is that all right, dude?

[A]

No, it's not all right. This is my day, too.

[C]

And it's just.

[A]

What the. It's a. I'm actually gonna get pissed. Dude. What the do we take them to on a weekend where we walk out and be like, if they said it's.

[C]

Gonna be 40 minutes, they would lose their.

[A]

What? They would.

[C]

They would lose their house.

[A]

They would pout. They would pout. All right, do I have time to read? How far into this are we? Fuck. All right. Hour and 20. We got to wrap this up. I'll read the rest of these some other time. Kevin, this was effortless.

[C]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

You're fucking hilariously funny. And everybody should go out to the Improv in West Palm.

[C]

West Palm Beach, More importantly, listen to.

[A]

The podcast and listen to the podcast. All I'm saying.

[C]

All I'm saying. Podcast with Kevin.

[A]

Kevin Shea, one of the funniest dudes for the longest time. All right, everybody go yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

[C]

I can't believe that we would lie in our graves wandering if we had.

[A]

Spent time in living days where I.

[C]

Can'T believe that we would lie in our graves Dreaming of things that we might have been I can't believe that.

[A]

We would lie in our graves wondering if we had spent our living taste well? I can't believe that we will die in our graves dreaming on things that.

[C]

We might have been could have been maybe Would you not like to be? Would you not like to be? You would not like to be? Would you not like to be? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.