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Foreign. Please put your hands together for the host of the Monday morning podcast, Mr. Bill Burke. All right, what's going on? How's it going? Nice to be. Do I walk around the front of the table or behind? This is a nice little strip club here. That's what I'm seeing. The piano here, the old school one. This is old, old horse, old whores dancing on this fucking stage. Oh, is this like an iconic music venue? You guys all got like, I never know how to read Austin, Texas, you know what I mean? It's like, I know you guys think you're liberal, but you live in Texas, so I think it's a little skewed. You're like, we're the good Texas people. I have a rainbow on the back of my pickup truck. Just to let you know that I'm thinking about the queers being dragged to death behind pickup trucks outside of Austin. I don't condone that. And when it happens, I check in with my gay friends. That's what liberals love to do. When something horrible happens to a marginalized groups, they like to check in. Hey, black person just checking in. Yeah, that must have been hard to watch. Bye. I'm on the right side of history. I fucking care. Oh my God. I saw a grip of stupid fucking whores just walking. Are there no whores in Austin? That's the second time I've said whores. I know the sun is still out and you guys are maybe church going people, but there's a reason that word exists, okay? Because there are whores. Yeah, there are. They fuck and suck for money. Do I need to define this to you? I saw that. I don't know what the fuck they were. They were riding on one of those, you know, those fucking bicycles where everybody faces each other. Oh my God. Just. Just a bunch of soccer moms and they were all singing jealousy. What's my fucking life right now like? And like fucking walking out to get breakfast. And I was trying so hard not to judge him, you know what I mean? Just to be like, really? Like, that does it for you? So stupid. Like, why do I. Why can't I just let 10 women face each other and ride a bicycle down the street singing their favorite song? Why can't I do that? Why do I want to be across the street screaming, how could you be that unexamined? Why am I doing that? I've learned to be like, what am I really frustrated about? I don't fucking know. I'm in a mood today. I don't know what it is. I was doing so well with my fucking anger, and I went out to breakfast. Oh, fuck you. I'm trying. All right, sure, you have your issues. I like the light there. Adds an ambiance. This feels like a precinct. I didn't know she was a prostitute. I was. I was asking directions, officer. I'm gonna commend all of you for never, ever being involved in any way, shape, or form in the sex industry. I feel the way you've pulled back. Prostitute, whores, you all, like. Are those words in the English language? I have no idea what that means. Anyway, so I go out to breakfast, and, you know, it's one of these deals. You walk in and the hostess welcomes you, and then she seats you, sets the table, and then also gives you a cup of water. And then you're like, all right, no waiter is gonna come here for 20 minutes if you're doing all of these jobs. They just eliminated five other fucking jobs between you being a hostess and coming here. And there's some dude on a yacht right now because he saved the company more money. You know, Are you guys pro CEO? Do you guys like streamlining businesses? That was so fun for, like, that week when Luigi killed that CEO. And just to see them afraid, just to see them, like, worried about the future, like, oh, fuck, can this whole thing turn around on me? Wouldn't that be amazing that there could be a bump in their road on the way to Epstein Island? You know, if you really look at Epstein island, which I'm really starting to forget, because there's a war in Iran right now, and if it isn't on the front page of the paper, all of that just goes away. What was that? What the fuck was that? Iran. What was the. What was. Was that? Somebody's. The original cell phone from 1990. What in the fuck was that? All right. This must be Trump's new America. I must have said a word I'm not supposed to say. That was my first warning before ICE comes in here. How is ICE not taking those pedophiles to fucking. What is it? Danger Island? What do they call it? Alligator Island? I think Epstein Island. That was really, like a fucking. That was like the real world meets, like, billionaires, you know? Like, what if we took 500 billionaires, gave them their own island, and we saw what happens next? I know, it's all. Listen, it's all been redacted, okay? So it's never happened. What level of society do you have to get to where gets redacted? That's. That's that's what I want to know. No, you know what is. I haven't been on tour for about a year and a half, and I've even noticed, like, just how much has changed. Like, I went into, like, the hotel gym, and there was like, two people on their cell phones on speaker having business meetings while they worked out. Like, I was over by the weights and there was this guy just doing curls. Oh, he had his on. He had his. He had his earbuds in. And he was just sitting there, like, doing curls, going, totally doable. Totally doable. Absolutely, absolutely. I'll be like, right on that. No, I can be there. And you know, afterwards, you're like, fucking crush my workout. And that zoom. And I was just thinking, how could you just be so fucking inconsiderate that somebody doesn't want you to listen to that shit? It's just so fucking weird. And then other guy, he had it on, like, speaker, you know, And I wanted to say something, but I'm almost 58. And he was like, fucking jacked, you know? You know what's really funny is when you watch a lot of those 80s action movies, this feels weird with the table to be standing up. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing up here. Oh, look at this. This is for whores. They walk up here. Yeah, they do. See, there you go. Listen. Ya. Y' all start hootin and hollerin'. All right, you do know what, whores. I love these fucking lights. I want to tell somebody to turn in their badge. All right, you went too goddamn far. Put it on the desk. And if I get wind you're still sniffing around this case. I've had it up to here with the mayor. I just got over being sick and now my wife's sick, so she's mad at me. Like, I can control that. Yeah, I was sick. You live with me. That's what happens. What was I supposed to do, sleep in the yard? You fucking went out last night till 10 o'. Clock. How do you know you didn't get it from somebody out there? You don't have to answer. This is just what happens. It's just these questions, they never come in the moment. You just like. You're just so caught off fucking guard. And then afterwards, that's when you say him to yourself, right? And then you sit down, and then the waiter starts asking you questions. And then you fucking take it out on him. Fucking guy comes up to the table, he's like. He goes, hey, welcome to wherever the fuck I was. He goes. He goes, first time. I'm like, what? He's like, first time at blah blah blah. It's like, yeah, what the fuck do you. I've ordered a breakfast. What is it different? I go, can I get your fucking. Your regular breakfast, Egg scrambled. He goes, you have any allergies? And I just plowed through it. Sourdough toast. Do you have any allergies? And I heard what he said both times, and I still went, what? And he goes, allergies. Do you have any allergies? And I'm like, no. And he goes, all right, well, I have to ask you. And it's like, what do you. What? I forget, you know? Like, oh, my God, that's right. Holy shit, if I have lettuce, I'm gonna die. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you for fucking reminding me. I almost forgot. Then he left. I'm like, he's gonna spit my eggs. And that wasn't his fault. The corporate lawyers are making him say it. I love how you can fucking eat yourself to death in this country, but you can't get a fucking. You can't take a steam at a hotel that is, like, higher than, like, 81 degrees because they don't want everybody to have a fucking heart attack in there. We got a steam room. No, you don't. You go in there, it's just some homeless guy through a speaker going. You go to any other country, you take your steam, you come out, you feel 10 years younger. America, you just. I don't know, you just feel like humidity. Like you just. You went to New Orleans in July and you just walk out. Like, that was not enjoyable. They had a little spray bottle up there that said, what's not incubus? That's a band. What's that? You put it. Eucalyptus. Eucalyptus. And now you understand my high school trans transcript. That's how it all just jumbles to incubus Eucalyptus. It's. There's I's and u's. It's all confusing. Just flunk me. I'll go to summer school with the fucking class clowns. Anyway, it says, so then I. At least. At least they got eucalyptus. And I go up there and like. And it's like, empty, just sitting there. I don't know. Here's one for you. You think the four seasons with global warming is going to have to change it to two seasons? Oh, my God. That's somebody's laugh. That's not a. Is that somebody's laugh? Oh, my God. I thought that was like, oh, it's agreement. Oh, all right. Well, just. Okay, all right. I did not. Okay. I learned something. I guess I don't have to do duolingo. Does that count as a lesson? All right, Where is that from? I just do it. Huh? You just do that. Until what? Somebody asks what it is, and then I say it's agreement. And then they go from where? And then everybody's talking to. We found the narcissist. Oh, my God, it happened. There we go. Now let's. I'll do my whole show and just bounce it off that person and then send it over this way. Jesus Christ. You're not sorry. You're not sorry. You're not even remote sorry. You don't even know what sorry feels like. You don't feel feelings. You don't. I feel bad for you. You're a fucking rep. All right, it's. Dude, it's enough. It's enough. It's fucking obnoxious. You know it's obnoxious. You wanted your fucking moment. Stop saying you're sorry. You're not sorry. You're a cunt. You're a cunt. Oh, my God. There's nothing worse. That's like watching somebody. Now, the people that are walking away from Trump, they're like, I didn't know he's gonna be like that. I respect hardcore Trumpers. Just stay away. All right, that's your guy. I get it. But don't fucking midstream. He was already there four years. You saw how it ended. That fucking food court gone wild on January 6th, whatever the fuck that was. People died. Like, he didn't shake hands when he lost. He's like, the Detroit Pistons, the fucking Presidents, Couple of old guys. Get that one. All right. I mean, I knew he. I can't believe he didn't do what he said he was gonna do. He has done that his whole life. His whole life. I've been working his casinos for fucking 30 years. They're always going out of business, and everybody's fucking mad at him. This is not an indictment on conservatism or Republican. There's nothing fucking wrong with it. This fucking guy. That's all I'm saying. No, I know, it's weird. It's weird. They politicized pedophilia. You would think that that would be something everybody could get on board with, like, yeah, you know what? I can get behind not fucking children. Probably not the way I should have said it, but, you know, that's what I'm saying. I feel that I can reach across the aisle. Once again, not the way to say it. All right, so I fucking leave the gym. That's all my podcast is. I just talk about my day. I just realized I miss my wife. How nice is that? I do. I do. So I leave the. That's what this really is, is I'm. I fucking feel feelings now. So I actually miss people. When I go out on the roads, when I go to some soulless fucking gym with the homeless steam room, it fucking affects me. So I walk out of the gym in the sadness of hearing. Like, at first I was upset with that guy, listening to the conference call, and then I was actually getting, like, a window into this guy's life. And, like, this is what has to fill this guy. There's no way he laid in bed as a kid. In dreams, someday I'm gonna carry this device around, which makes me at work at all times. And I can't even just go to the gym and fucking listen to my favorite song. I gotta talk to these folks. So actually, you know, that's the way I kinda try to stay out of my anger, you know? You know, I try to have empathy. Like, that poor fucking guy, he doesn't even have time to go to the goddamn gym. And I was like, all right, yeah, okay, good for him. Maybe he'll get out of that. He'll start a mom and pop business that Starbucks will crush. And people will care, and there'll be a startup, and he can, you know, make 3500 bucks to live the rest of his life on. So I go to walk out of the gym, and I swear to God, I walk out of the gym, and there was a woman standing there in workout clothes. She had. I swear to God, she had a fucking smartphone with, like, the ear thing, but it was wired to the phone because we now know that it gives you brain cancer, which they always knew, but there's no reason to prosecute that either, right? We can just let that go, right? She's got that. And she was holding a laptop. She had her own office. She was just standing outside the fucking elevator. Was that the fallout of the pandemic is you don't even get a cubicle anymore? You just gotta, like, carry your office. Like, she should have had, like, a fax machine on her back, like a turtle shell. I don't know. It's. It's fucking sad. So whatever. I made up with the waiter with my vibe and my tip. I think afterwards I made sure I. I tipped him. Like, I don't know. I don't Want to be like this people. The. Is that. Oh, that's somebody's stereo. You hear that? Getting tinnitus because he never got hugged by his dad. A tale as old as time. They're literally shaking the fucking car apart. Like, you're making everything in there, like, a little looser. It always. Whenever I see those people that go down the street and they have the bass, like, it's just always when they go around the corner, expect, like, all the wheels to just fall off on that side. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like, that's another thing. People do that and they ride like, a bicycle and they have, like, this really loud fucking radio. Like, what is that? All right, I guess we have to wait. Like, I'm literally. I'm inside. I want to say this place is insulated. I can still hear the fucking stereo. Back in my day, the stereo wasn't that loud. You had a cassette tape, and if you liked the song, you had to wait for it to come around again. No, that was the eight track. The eight track. You had to wait for it to come back around again. It was fucking torture. And then the cassette tape came out, and that was great. Then you kept rewinding it, but then you would fuck it up. And then you had to buy it again. And then they came out with the cd, and the CD they came out with, which was an absolute piece of shit. And it came out, it was like 1799, which was fucking. I swear to God, like a third a week's pay for you. And they were so expensive, when they came out, they were in, like, these giant. Like, the CD was this big and the case was down here, so if you stuck it down your pants, you'd have to walk out. And everybody knew. He's stealing, hauling oats. He's stealing, hauling oats, right? And these cunts in the record industry, these lion cunts, they said the reason why it was so expensive is because unlike all the other Generations records and tapes and eight tracks, this thing would never. It was. It would sound brand new the entire fucking time. And of course it didn't. They were fucking lying again. I swear to God, the amount of lying in stealing that is done on the. What would you call it, the legal side of stealing business? You know, like, they always love to point at other races of people that they've oppressed and talk about their stealing and all of that, while they, you know, they justify. Anytime this is for all you youngsters out there, anytime you're in a business meeting and you ask a question, and they can't justify it. And they say, like, well, that's the standard deal. That means they're fucking you in the ass. Or if they say, well, you know, that's how business is done, it's like, oh, yeah? Is that how it's done for you? Is that how it works for you after you succeed? Are you then offered less money the next time you come to fucking work? I don't think that's how it works, judging by your car. You know, when I picture Jesus coming back, I. When I picture him coming back, I don't picture him coming back saving people. Like, I don't need him to save me. Like, I don't want him. I don't want to be Like, I don't want to be in a group, you know? Like, I don't want to go. I don't go to heaven, per se, you know? Like, if that whole grip of women that were on that bicycle going, jealousy was my fuck, if they make it, too. And I'm gonna have to hold my temper for eternity as they're singing that song. You know, what it was that just. I think that really irritated me was just the freedom of it. Like, how not concerned they were about just getting the living shit beat out of them. Like, I. Like, just as a man, if I did that jealousy, if I was on a bike with a bunch of guys and just whooping it up like, fucking, you know, white moms, like, there's different rules for everybody. So maybe it was envy. I know it's me. I know it's not them. They were just singing a song on a bicycle built for nine, right? So. So anyway, I feel like when Jesus comes back, first of all, I love that people think that he's going to come back, you know, and he's still not upset about what happened the last time. I don't feel like he's going to come down here to try to save the good people. I kind of feel like he'd come back. Like, you know, I already tried that once. Didn't work out. I just sort of. I don't know. I'm picturing him coming back. Like, what's. What's his fucking. Oh, my God, the guy from the Matrix. Keanu Reeves. No, the actor. Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves. Thank you. Thank you. Keanu Reeves. I'm picturing him coming back is like more like the Keanu Reeves style, where he's just got, like, these fucking, like, silver pistols. And I don't think he saves the good people. I just think he doesn't Kill them. I just think he comes back, you know, with the white doves coming up with like one of those John Woo movies. And he's just jumping sideways in conference rooms at like fucking like pharmaceutical companies, corporations with like war contracts, the CIA fucking who's the guys who poisoned our food supply? Who are those kooks that nobody knows what their names are? Right? Monsanto. Yeah. Just comes back, he just fucking shoots all of them. Narcissists, you know, just goes out. Like when it. Maybe I don't. Maybe it's not that big. Maybe it's just the little people. Like, one of my favorite narcissists is the spiritual narcissist. The ones who give like self help advice while still totally like about themselves, you know, I like them. And then I also like, like men who think they figured out women, you know, they give you like. You know, when you get into a relationship, you gotta set the table. You gotta. From day one, you gotta let her know. It's just like you're gonna try to play the game of manipulation with a woman. You're going away from your strengths, dude. Like, why don't you, why don't you take some stuff that really matters to you in a relationship and have an arm wrestle? Then I think, I think you got a shot. But if you're going to try to outthink that, like, it's not going to work. It's not going to work. Like, I've actually found, believe it or not, I've actually found that women are not that complex, you know, But I'm smart enough, I would never tell them that. The same way they have to act like they think you're strong. You have to act like you just can't believe. Oh, that's like, it's so complex. It isn't. Like, I've just found, like, if you're just nice to him, if you just be nice, it's really hard. Unless you're married to a cunt. And then. I'm starting to understand, Austin, words. Some words are hard for, for you. But if I laugh at that, does that mean I'm anti woman? No, there's cunts. Like, if you described a guy that's a rapist as a rapist, I wouldn't be like, it's just, just that word. No, if you're raping women, you're a rapist. You guys all pulling back. Like, I just, I think we're seeing like the result of people growing up just on camera everywhere you fucking go. Like, I like how that's like, people solve arguments now. Like, I see that, like, people, like, Instagram or whatever try to be off that thing. And, like, people get an argument in, like, a fucking parking lot. And it escalates, and it escalates. And in the middle of it, they both start filming each other for this fucking news channel they don't own. Like, it's just like, what are you guys, like, what is the fucking threat here? And I don't understand why the other person just doesn't punch the other person and then just break their phone and then it's. It's over. Like, nobody ever thinks to do that. It's like they're holding a gun or something. They're just like, ah, fuck, there goes my black belt in jiu jitsu. You're filming me. Anyway. Yeah, no, I've said a lot of stupid shit about women over the years, but none of that had to do with anything. It all had to do with my fucking intimacy issues and I actually wanted to be married and all that type of stuff. But you're not allowed to say that as a guy, or else you're gay. And Austin, you can sit there in your fucking muttering silence right now. All of you moved here because you know, that's true. I want to go somewhere that's more understanding. Do you guys. And then you move to Austin and then what'd you see? Skyscraper banks. And you're like, it's all the same. I will tell you. You know, when I was in. I was in Houston. Club Soda Kenny, everybody. The lovely Club Soda Kenny. Legend in this business. I take him on tour, we're going overseas to Europe. And I asked him, you ever been over to Europe? He's like, no. I'm like, all right. So I thought he was going to be like, how I was when I went. You know, first time I went over to Europe, like, I was performing on stage. Like, I was. It was in English speaking countries. And even then, like, I was on my heels and it was, like, affecting my shows because it's weird. Like, the audience, like, senses it. Like, one of the stupidest things they always say about stand up is it's always. It's just you, man. And it isn't. It's you and the crowd. And there's this exchange of, like, energy where they're telling you, speed up, slow down, we're bored. You went too far. I don't like that word, right? It's like you guys are doing it and I'm, you know, we're connected, right? So I would be up There. And I would be like, first time at this place, Leicester Square Theater, and I felt it like I was on stage and I was like. I was doing some bit about a squirrel or some shit. This is some of my better material. I'm gonna show you what American comedy's all about. I was doing this bit about squirrels or some shit. And like in my head I started thinking like, oh, fuck. Do they have squirrels here? Are there squirrels here? Well, you're all laughing. Do you know? I didn't know. Do they? You just. I said, do they have squirrels? And you go, yeah. And I go, do they? And you go, I feel like they're everywhere. So there's some doubt in there. They would sense that. Right? So that's how I was doing it. So I didn't have like the best sets I could have had. Turns out they do have squirrels. All right, don't fucking act. Yeah, you guessed, all right. Yeah, you guessed. Okay. You did do that. All right. You didn't have to phone a friend, I'll give you that. They have like. They have like red, red ones. Gingers over there. They have red squirrels. And then some stupid fucking asshole who didn't know how to talk to women back in the day had to bring American squirrels over there to be like, roy, look what I did when I went out there, Will you fuck me now? You know that's what men do, right? And he introduced them and they were bigger. You know, like Americans are. We're bigger, we're fatter, and they. They beat the fuck out of that fucking English ginger squirrel and they're going away. And now it's yet another petty reason for those cunts not to like us. Which is fucking hilarious. It's really hilarious. Don't ever let an English person shit on America. Whenever they do that, like, whoa, I was ruined. Your country, you started it. That's what's fucking wrong with it. You fucking assholes. Don't walk away from it. You guys, this was your business. You. You set this thing. You set this whole fucking thing off. That's why. That's why there's black and white people now. Like, you know, and all my non white friends will always say, like, what's up with white people? You with. You don't have any culture. You don't fucking do anything. It's like, well, the culture, any white culture, that's nationalistic or whatever, not national. I don't want the fucking word is. It's over in Europe. There it all is. French cuisine, Italian, all of that shit. It's all over there, the music and all. But you came here, England was running it. And you had to let go of all of that shit and act like those brown tooth cunts. Because then you could work your way up as a white person. Then we lost all our language, all of our shit. And now we're just sitting around waiting for Cinco de Mayo. Wait for a cheesecake factory to open up. Just sup. We don't. We're floating. We don't know what it is. But as a white person, when you go back to the motherland, when you go back to Europe, you feel this phantom limb, like, why am I vibing? Why is this filling up my soul? It's because those brown tooth cunts took it away. That's what they did. They did it everywhere. They up India. India was like leading in everything. Everything from science to drumming, the best drummers, yoga, all of this, it all came out of there. And they went there, that whole country up, you know, for turmeric. That whole country up to this day. And they're like, roy, look at all those mothers. What? Because you were there. Because you were there and you fucked it all up. And this is what kills me. This is how fucking. You know. I know we're super racist here. Oh, Jesus, not the throw pillow. I fucking hate these. It's like a fucking person you don't know is sitting there. They're not adding to the conversation. It's not comfortable. This is for a 4 foot 11 woman with a bad back. Let me just. Just stick these here. Oh my God. Oh, yes. Oh. Oh, that's so better. Little feet, you gotta pull it closer to her. And everybody laughs at her. Everybody laughs at her because she's so fucking short, right? And then what does she do? She visits all of your deathbeds because she's only this tall. And her heart doesn't have to work, it just has to go. And the blood goes all the way to your extremities. You know, when was the last time you saw a 7 foot 90 year old guy? You don't. They're fucking hard. It's fucking working. These little people, these little people, These little baby adults just living amongst us, they're gonna see the calendar turn to fucking 2100. Anyway, back to the English, right? So they fucked that whole country up. And they take the spices and what's fucking hilarious is you go to England today and the food is still fucking horrible. It's still horrible because they're so fucking racist, they couldn't get themselves to Ask the Indian people how to use them. Right. I have a white brain. I'm not talking to you with your brown brain. And the only good food in England is Indian food. I swear to God, the rest of it. You want some bangers and mash? No, I don't. And I don't want beans on toast, you uncreative cunt. Beans on toast? What am I, living on the prairie? The fuck are we doing here? They put their fish in yesterday's newspaper in, like, literally, like, the last 10 years. This is a leading nation. They finally realized that they shouldn't do that because you could literally read the score of your favorite fucking football team backwards on your friend as he's fucking eating the fish. Anyway. The fuck was my point of all that? I don't even know. I know what the hell I was talking about. Oh, yeah, don't ever let English people. Anybody else, you know, you can be like, yeah, you know what? We're pretty fucked up, you know. Canada. Canada's another one. I give them shit, too, you know? They try to act like they're better than us. It's like, no, it was just colder up there, so you couldn't do what we did down here. You did your shit, too. I realized, you know what? Recently, I just found out they had to change. They had to change their. Edmonton Eskimos was the name of their team. Had to change it to the. The. The Edmonton Elks. That's what they did. And then, of course, there's a bunch of white people up there. Like, fucking name sucks. I like people who do that shit. It's just like. Well, the group that you're talking about is saying that they don't like it. The fuck? What the fuck? They were always fucking cool. Doesn't fucking mean anything. I hate those people because I see, like. Because I'm a fucking. I'm a meathead, too. You know what I mean? Like, I. It's something I struggle with, you know? That's arguably one of the dumbest things I've ever said. Well, yeah, Bill, I imagine you struggle with a lot of things. You're a fucking meathead. I don't know. I'm trying. My wife's telling me to fucking dress better. So I'm listening to her, you know, wearing sweaters in the middle of the day. You know, I think it's right. I'm almost 58. I should be wearing sweaters, have a special chair. You know, sit there with my legs crossed, have a fucking pipe, Be that guy. Simmering with anger. Wife out in the kitchen, hands trembling as she makes deviled eggs. You know, Eisenhower's America. Why did he take the heat? He tried to warn us. Speaking of the heat, people. Oh, there's a segue, Andrew. You know, my favorite thing to do right now is to watch local news. I don't want to watch the national news because there is no national news anymore. It's just CNN and Fox. You know, there's two guys, the heads of both of those networks, that fucking Jesus is going to fucking come blow their fucking brains out. Be funny when Anderson Cooper's all like, me too. But I thought I was one of the good ones. Jesus knows your real last name. Oh, you guys, you're with me. Robert Barron. Sorry, I didn't know that. Vanderbilt. Is that. Why did you act like I just said something anti Semitic? I was going like. I was going like Robert Baron. Where did you guys go? Is that what you do in Austin? You groan and then you don't explain yourselves and I gotta fucking figure it out? All right, be that way. I like your hostile tie, dyed liberalism that you have down here. The fuck was I just talking about, Andrew? I was on my way to something. I swear to God I was. I swear to God. Oh, being a fucking meathead. Is that what it was? Oh, the local news. Thank you. The local news. So my favorite thing to do is when you watch the local news, weather report, it's like the meteorologist has a gag report. Like they're not allowed to talk about global warming. You know, if anybody knows what the fuck's coming, they do. And they just gotta sit there in January, like another record high. Get out. Got those swimsuits this weekend. It's really gonna be a warm one. Back to you, Kathy. It's gonna be dangerously high surfs this weekend. I saw this guy bought the Weather Channel and I was like, that's probably a smart fucking move. Come the future, that's gonna be like a fucking real life Tom Cruise movie every fucking weekend. It's getting dark. Are we almost ready for the. The advertisement? Are we okay? How far in am I? 35. See, I can feel it, man. You know, man, you do comedy long enough, you start to feel time. How many arranged marriages happened on this fucking couch? There's just something about it. It just feels like extra clothes were worn. They sort of stuck. Sat like this. So tell me about yourself, sir. Why would you like to fornicate and reproduce with my daughter? Why would you like to make her your property? I don't know. I don't Want to start any fights, but I think it's high time we went back to that. I think we took this women's lib thing a little too far, if you ask me. All right. Anyway. Okay, so we got to do some reads here, people. This is how. This is how we. This is how we pay for this beautiful set here. I'm supposed to talk about that green screw there. Am I supposed to do that? You can. You don't have to. Okay, Ship station. That's the first one. Ship station. Oh, that is a. I switched it all up. Yeah, I'm like that lead singer, man. That's out of control, man. He's not looking at the set list. He's just gonna do what he wants. And then you talk about it behind the music. And there we were on the MTV Music Awards and we were supposed to do unskinny bop. And he started singing I like your pussy that way. And we were like, what the fuck? You know, you really look back at the 80s, the music was just complete fucking denial. Was the fallout of Vietnam, fucking Nixon and all of that shit. And everybody don't eat nothing. Everybody just. Just fucking blowing rails. You happy? Yeah, bro. I'm fucking woo kick stop my heart hope it never stops. People od' ing and they're just writing songs about it. Kickstart My heart is about Nikki Sixx od. And that's one of the happiest songs ever. I listened to that song after I did my first open mic and I drove home. I was so excited that I did it. And I'm fucking doing that. All these years later, I found out it was cuz Nikki almost died. I'm like, these fucking guys are out of their minds. And then what happened? Seattle came around and reminded us that everything sucked. I wish I was like, you, easily amused. I always hated that line. It's like, fuck you, Kurt. I'm not that fucking shallow. All right? I'm a little easily amused. It was really fucked up. I went to one of those. I want to not a tractor pool. I went to those monster truck things. I brought my kids and they had like a great time. And just being like fucking jaded in show business is like. I was at that event for like fucking 10 minutes watching it. And I mean, it was like, they're not paying these drivers shit. No. After you get fucked over in this business so bad, you can break down a cost report in your fucking head, even if you're not in that part of. It's all fucking show business, right? No, like Charlie Kirk, that was show business. It was. And I could have told him not to do that act. It's like, dude, I'm not saying. Don't say what you gotta say, but you gotta. There's gotta be a punchline. There's gotta be like, hey, what do I know? You gotta get something. You gotta let. There's gotta be a rest area for a second. You can't. You just can't keep fucking going. I just wanted to give you something to edit out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't just go and get a microphone and start saying crazy shit. Crazy people. I mean, you live in Austin. I don't need to tell you this. You see these people standing out on the street? All regular people leave. Crazy people, like, they start fucking coming over, and then shit. Shit goes down. Anyway, anyway, let's get back to the fucking. The truck story. It's gonna be a tough edit. Andrew, you got more than one camera here? All right. Okay, cool. All right. So I'm at this thing, and I'm looking at the trucks, and they, you know, they do these jumps and they fucking. They're slamming down on the ground. You have no idea how many times they fuck up the front end or break an axle. And then they. They gotta tow them. They gotta have a big. A fucking giant. I don't know what crane comes out, picks the truck up. Something else drags it off. These mechanics have another axle. They're bringing extra axles. They're traveling with extra axles, mechanics to fix these fucking things. Oh, and then they gotta have a tarp to cover the whole baseball field, and they travel with the dirt. It's not a lot of meat left on the bone for the guy driving the Grave Digger is all I'm saying. He's getting a little wild with it tonight. I felt bad. I met, like, one. By the way, wearing a sweater was a bad idea. Like, these fucking lights is really starting to. I'm gonna look like I'm testifying here in a minute. I talked to one of the drivers after, After. After the race, and I was just going. I go, dude, like, how much of that landing does your back take? Cause you know, the older you get, the more you wince when you see people doing things. Like, when I see little kids, like, fucking jumping up and down, I go, dude, dude, easy. Those knees gotta last you forever there, youngster. So watching a guy like, you know, 20 years younger than me take a pickup truck and fucking. Way up in the air and just, boom. And the fucking axle blows out. And the guy Was just like. I thought he was going to sort of chuckle about it, didn't. He goes, well, the truck takes about 90% of it on a good night. He goes, but you learn that after the first jump every night. He told me a story. He broke his sternum. He said for nine months my wife would have to move me out of bed with her fucking foot. Oh, dude, it's fucking brutal. And then I'm trying to, like, break the tension, and I just go, hey. I go, well, how tall were you when you started this job? And he goes, I definitely lost a couple of inches. Like, he did not come out. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. So, like, the next time you go to one of those events, just know those guys, they're like NFL running backs. What they're doing to their bodies there. Oh, and I was going to tell you was in the middle of the show is, you know, when. When they were fixing the trucks, you know, they kept cutting. They had one of those stupid robot dogs, and it was rolling over and, like, having its robot feet in the air and everything. And I was looking at all the people, like, looking at the monitor, watching it all going, oh, like, fucking laughing. And I'm like, dude, that's not a real dog. It doesn't feel feelings. It's not going to be happy when you come home. It's not going to feel any sense of loyalty. That thing's going to do, like, whatever the nerd on the other side of it tells it to do. So if he punched in right now, instead of roll over and fucking wag your robot legs in the air to make, you know, fat people feel. I really feel how out of shape Texas is with every fat joke that is bombed here. Oh, fuck. I just did Houston. This is the first time I never did. I did this joke every fucking time I went there. Houston. At one point, I swear to God, this is true. They won. Fattest city in the United States. Back to back, which is practically impossible to use, because every year you lose your best players. And you don't lose them to free agency. They. They would. Nobody has ever gone back to back. They fucking did it. They fucking did it. You know, what do they talk about? The Astrodome, the eighth one of the world. Well, give me a. There's other things that are happening here. All right? Sorry. All my references, dude, I'm really feeling old. The Astrodome, like, that's. That's. It's not there anymore, is it? Or is it. Oh, it's still there. All right. Yeah, but they're at the other place with the choo choo train. You know, as more rights they take away, the more silly things they add at ballparks. It's got a choo choo train when it don't run. And then my team, the Patriots, they have a lighthouse. Oh, it's like we're by the ocean. Now. When I was younger, that type of shit was called gay. And it was an accurate portrayal of what it was. And I know that it offended gay people, so you can't say it anymore. So what do you say now? Lame. That's not enough. Go further. You're gonna be like my non homophobic thesaurus here. I can't say gay, so it's lame. So go further. Just feel your feelings. Don't be afraid to say is gay. It just goes, it is gay. There's nothing you can say. It is. Well, so were the 1890s, sir. So were the 1890s. The 1890s were the gay 90s, and it just meant really fucking happy. And you know, white people came up with that because during the gay 90s was also the insurrection of 1892 in Wilmington, which was not a gay event on any way, shape or form. Sorry. All right, everybody, it's time for the advertising. Oh, man. Oh, my God, Andrew, I need my glasses. I gotta have my glasses. God damn it. Where's my bag? Jesus Christ. What would you do if, like, I just started just being belligerent to him and then. And then years later, they did the behind the scenes like they're doing with Tyra Banks. Have you seen the Tyra Banks? Oh, my God, no glasses. There you go. Andrew Themelis, everybody. The brains. The brains behind this is like when I go to. I don't. I don't recall that day that you're questioning. I mean, I'm sure if she said that's what happened. I imagine there was some sort of interaction, but I don't. I don't recall. All right, okay, Ship Station. This is the big green thing. And this is when I. When I get done reading this copy, this is going to make sense. The green thing. These guys are the fucking money. The reason why we're in this old titty bar right now is because of Ship Station, which I think is apropos, because everybody knows that those guys join the Navy not to serve their country. It's the fuck whores around the world. We all know this. And to help spread super Gonorrhea, this podcast is brought to you by Super Gonorrhea. No. All right, well, this light Is not working. All right, Ship Station, everybody. We're here live at south by Southwest in Austin, Texas. I gotta get the light here. Yay, Texas. Home of our sponsor, Stevie Ray Vaughan, right? Home of our sponsor, shipstation. When your company is growing fast, order fulfillment can make or break your success. I hate when I do that in a sentence. I lose momentum and then it doesn't even sound like English. When your company is growing fast, order fulfillment can make or break success. I like how I whispered that. It added like a sense of urgency. Shipstation's intelligence driven platform brings order management, rate shopping, inventory and return warehouse systems and comprehensive analytics all in one place. Well, thank God for that. You know, it's about time somebody took all whatever the fuck that is and put it in one place. Cause I'll tell you, it was getting pretty goddamn messy. I'll tell you if we accomplished anything today, we fucking finally got fucking rate, shipping, inventory, returns, warehouse systems and comprehensive analytics all in one place. I mean, what are they going to think of next? I mean, it's just fucking amazing. It's 97 degrees out on March 13th. With Shipstation, everything you need to manage getting orders to customers is in one place. Connect to over 200 sales channels. Instead of five to seven disconnected tools, you got one. ShipStation compares rates across all major global carriers, US Postal Service, UPS and FedEx, including your own discounted rates if you have them to find you. To find what? To find you the best shipping options on every order with discounts up to 90% off. You know what it is? When I read copy, I start breathing up here. That's fight or flight. I need to come from my diaphragm and I need to feel like everything, everything's going to be okay. All right? To find you the best shipping option on every order with discounts up to 90% off. Have negotiated carrier rates. Bring them. We don't give a fuck. You think that fucking scares us over at Ship Station? We'll fucking eat those carrier radio you fucking bitches. Keep your discount rates. We don't need them. Keep your discounts. Add shipstation's automation and intelligent features. Set up time saving automation. Shipstation picks the best carrier, finds you the best rate, prints labels in bulk, sends trading updates. Done. Sharing tracking details, cuts. I get what they're doing. Just fucking whatever the fuck you want to ship however you want to do it. We could do it under here. Sharing tracking details cuts customer Service inquiries by 12%. Shut them the fuck up. Had enough of their questions. Returns management gives you data on what's coming back and why? Analytics show you where your savings, where you're saving, where to optimize. Over 1 million businesses have trusted ShipStation. Try ShipStation for free for 60 days with full access to all features. No credit card needed. Go to shipstation.com and use code BRRRR for 60 days for free. 60 days gives you plenty of time to see exactly how much time and money you're saving on every shipment. That's shipstation.com code burr. B u r r shipstation.com, code burr. There we go. That's one. All right. And thank you. This is like the old school Ed Sullivan where they would stand next to the product and thank you to shipstation for sponsoring us. Right down here at Maggie's Whorehouse and Waffles. If your dick's big enough and you can fuck this, you get a free plate of waffles. Come on. We'll be right back. Who does that? Who's that? We'll be right back. Just Adam Ray, my favorite Adam Ray. We'll be right back. All right. Meundies everybody. Okay. Oh shit. Me undies. All right. Oh, I got to do the song. Me undies. Me undies. No more sweaty balls, but doot doot doot. Me undies. Beyond these, you can wear them out in the mall if you like. Tie dye or fucking burlap, it doesn't fucking matter. It cradles your sack. When you're fucking wearing me undies, you're gonna love it. And your fucking ass will not sweat. At least for now. Summer time's fuckin coming. Alright. Me undies. All right. Your underwears is either working for you or against you. That the truth, Fellas? Have you had a domestic violence charge? Because your underwear was not sitting right on your nuts? And she asked the wrong question at the right time. All right? That was a fictitious relationship, okay? A woman did get slapped in that scenario, but it was no more realer than that robot dog. All right? This is one of the most liberal crowds I have ever been in front of you. You guys are. I don't know, maybe I just got old in the last fucking you know, I was off the road for a year. I'm telling you, this is like music. You got it. You got to be in there, man. Next thing you know, you're playing disco. All right? Do a little dance, Slap a fucking bitch. Get down tonight. All right. Your underwear is either working for you or against you. Mine was definitely working against me. Look at them putting words in my mouth. It was grabbing My freckled sack at the most inopportune time, working against you, constantly readjusting everything, riding up that whole situation. Then I tried Biondi's ball caddy boxer briefs. Oh, my God. That's kind of crazy. That makes me feel like I'm gonna put it in that ball washer and they're gonna fucking twist down and come back up. That's gonna be like an Instagram hack, you know? Do you have an enlarged prostate? Stick your nuts in a ball washer at the. I can't believe. Then I tried Meundies ball caddy boxer briefs. They have a contoured pouch. This is like the push up bra for your nuts. They have a contoured pouch that keeps everything in place. Are people's balls flying around like that? I don't know. No squishing. I mean, I don't think about my balls until somebody kicks them or licks them. No squishing, no sticking, no bat winging. Why are we coming around the corner? We pulling three GS like a test pilot. You fucking balls. He got a little wild on that one. Tore up the car in his ball bag. All right, no bat wing. I feel like. I feel like they're just creating problems with your nut sack to justify another brand of underwear. All right, just. Just hold them. That's fine. You don't need to, like, fucking fight physics here. The fabric, this ultra soft model that feels broken in from day one. Oh, my God. It's almost like someone else with the exact same shape ball bag wore these. Isn't that a comforting feeling? You know, every snowflake is different people, but evidently there's a lot of similar nut sacks. This. Do they even pre fruit? I mean, there's no way. There's no way to write copy about ball bags and not have it be hilarious. All right, all right. Honestly. Okay. No bat wing of this fabric. Build broken in from day one. And it breathes so you're not overheating. Honestly, I threw out my old underwear, and now the porpoises have to deal with them. There was nothing wrong with them. These just fit my nuts better. Okay, styles for everyone. He, she's, and they's. Whether you keep your nuts, just got some new ones or only got rid of one me undies as a pair of ball bags. Fucking caddy boxer briefs for your pronouns. Style for everyone. Meundi says cut. It's a cut for every guy with over 10 different styles. I think they said 10 inches of ball bag. From boxer briefs to jock straps to their Signature ball caddy pouch. Underwear designed to keep everything in place. People still wear jock straps for the people who pull people over for no reasons. Becomes me. Undies, jockstraps. Unmatched. You want to step out of the car, please? Unmatched. My balls are feeling really good. Get out of the car, please. Unmatched comfort. I think you've established that Meundy's signature softer than soft, ultra modal fabric is breathable. Stretchy and unbelievable. Unbelievably cozy. Perfect for all day wear whether you're in back to back meetings or hitting the gym. Responsibly sourced, all right? No other ball bags were fucking killed or kicked or twisted in making this. They're lying. You know, in a third world country, they made all those sweatshop people try on the uncomfortable ones. Come on. I said walk around in it. Quit your crying. It doesn't hurt that bad. All right? We got to make them softer. All right? Responsibly sourced. They are sustainably sourced. They're sustainably sourced materials and work with partners that care for their workers. I don't know what that means. Hopefully they're paying them fucking livable wage. Problem free philosophy. No hap. No happy with your underwear? Not happy. I didn't read it the right way. Sorry. I thought they were going international. Not happy with your first pair of undies? It's on meundies. Who loves meundies? With more than 30 million pairs sold and 90,000 five star reviews, guys everywhere are making the switch. Evidently Meundies crushing it right now. As a listener of my show, you can get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping at MeUndies.com Burr promo code Burr. That's 20% off plus free shipping at MeUndies dot com Burr promo code Burr. Give it up for meundies, everybody. Come on. All right. Oh, we saved the best for last, everybody. One of the stars of the show. One of the. A friend of the show, everybody. It's ol Zip recruiter. All right, Right now I'd like to give out a shout out to all those people whose job it is to hire. This is like when they do that shit, you know, support the troops, you know, all the real heroes out there. People out there hiring people instead of flying a fighter jet. It's just like a Cessna. I'm sorry. All right, let's. Let's start over again, okay? Ziprecruit, everybody. Right now I'd like to give a shout out to all those people whose job it is to hire from small business owners growing Their team to HR directors hiring under hundreds across the nation. You have one of the toughest jobs there is. You know, there's ball washing and then there is ball. You work in hr. Oh, my God, bro, thank you for your service. I mean, Jesus Christ. I can't imagine the training. What was the training? You watched a baby without its mother drop its pacifier and cry for four hours and you did nothing about it. Sorry, that was supposed to be a joke about how they don't give a fuck about people. Don't you be queer about that baby. Don't you care about that baby? You care about that baby. You ain't getting hired, motherfuckers. All right, how come nobody here, down here talks like that? Why aren't you guys lassoing shit? I mean, you're in Texas. East Texas. East Texas, not west. Not like fucking, huh? Oh, oh, it's one of the. Everywhere you go. Everywhere you go, everybody thinks they live in the better part of the place they live. Oh, that's over there. Not here. Here's where it's at. Cause I'm here. All right, I'll go with that. East Texas. Why am I going to fucking East Texas? You know, I've only seen two people on a horse since I got here and they were both cops, so that doesn't count. And they weren't chasing anybody. Dude, what are they gonna do on that horse? I mean, they're gonna kill people. This is a foot traffic city. You can't just start chasing somebody on a fucking horse. Moms with baby carriage, pulling it out of the way, jumping over a family of five like a steeple. I think that falls under police presence. That's a couple of people that are way up there, seem like they have authority. All right, Zip recruiter's not gonna like this. Let's start over again. All right, everybody. ZipRecruiter. Right now. I'd like to give a shout out to all of those people whose job it is to hire. You know, from the small business owners growing their team to those HR directors, the heroes of this country, hiring hundreds across the nation. You have one of the toughest jobs there is. I don't even need my glasses. My patriotism is going to get me through talking about all these heroes in hr. I think Bruce Springsteen is this close to writing a fucking song. And you're working in HR and doing the job and everybody's out drinking, fucking. All right, he's from New Jersey. I didn't know if you knew that. You have one of the toughest jobs there is. But what if I were to tell you there's something that can make your whole hiring process faster and easier? It's zip. Zip recruiter. Yes. And right now you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com Spur Zip. Zip. Zip. Zip is trusted by millions of people, so you don't have to worry. Zip, That's when they drive by. Has helped making hiring. I'm going to do the Iron Maiden Devil one next, just to let you know. Has helped make hiring faster and easier for businesses of all sizes. In fact, over 4.8 million businesses have come to Zip it for their hiring needs. If you play it backwards, it says, worship the devil. Hiring heroes. Let ZipRecruiter help you make your job easier. Four to five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself. Go to this exclusive web address to try Zip for free. That's falling to their death. ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter.com Burr Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com Burr B U R R ZipRecruiter. The smartest way to hire. All right, there we go now. Now we are on to your. Oh, my God. Look how fucking long these are, Andrew. Huh? Oh, the font is big. Font. Yeah, so you can read it. Oh. Oh, all right. No, they gave me the big font. All right. Jesus Christ, Andrew. Are these all right? Well, how much time have I done? This sweater is really getting to me. Hour, nine. An hour and nine. All right, well, I'm contractually obligated to do an hour. I'll see you, guy. No, I'm kidding. I just went straight union worker on you. Fuck off, man. There was supposed to be two people up here. One to watch me do the podcast and me to do the fucking thing. Oh, all right, here we go. The first person AI told my girlfriend she was toxic. In what fucking world? In what fuck? Why does this even. I don't understand the world, you know, Tommy Lee Jones in fucking no country for Old Man. That's what I feel like now, you know, when he tries to, like, wrap his head around the evil of the world. I'm not a lawman. I'm just a podcaster. That sounds like, you know, the end of my career when I'm just doing testimonials. Hey, I'm not a lawman. Hi, I'm Bill Burr. I'm not a lawman, but I'm a podcaster. And I'm here to tell you I have this aches and pains in my joints. Jesus Christ. See that cop fell off his horse. You're not supposed to ride a horse in the street. Right, like they invented horses before they invented streets, didn't they? Like asphalt. All right. AI told my girlfriend she was toxic. Billy of the 21st century, I'm a bit old school. I still use CDs in the car and I've never used a flashlight. A flashlight to jerk off. For starters, my girlfriend is awesome. Wait, you're fucking old school? You listen to CDs but you asked AI if your girlfriend was toxic? Like, I don't get this guy. It's like he's churning butter and he's Buck Rogers all at the same fucking time. For starters, my girlfriend is awesome. Oh, Jesus. In other words, she's standing here as I'm writing this. It's spelled A W, E. She's really talented and smart. I'm sensing a hostage situation and I have no complaints. But like all couples, we have disagreements. Oh, she had to go to the bathroom. Okay, here comes the real story. Backstory. She thinks AI is going to be great for certain things. And while she has Some good points, I.e. diagnosing medical charts and other things that would remove human error, blah, blah. It's not going to remove human error because human beings are going to be behind what they look at. In the medical. It's all fucking corrupt. They came up with synthetic heroin and they're going to be the ones using AI. And then you're trusting that. Okay, I'll go with that. Sure. That'll be great and all. But overall, I get sick of hearing the term AI. So we're having a friendly argument over something small, nothing heated, but it was a week long disagreement. That sounds pretty fucking heated. Maybe they just were smiling. Fuck you too. You know, for the whole week. I don't agree with that. All right? So I say to this fucking Bruno. So I say to her, let's let AI settle it. Ooh, that's a fucking cool move. She kind of looked at me like, well, how are we gonna do that? She was also, I bet her fucking asshole puckered up because she knows that she can't argue with what AI said because she's endorsed it. That was a fucking. Ever watch two nerds playing chess and you pretend you know what's going on and then somebody does something and then the other guy just fucking shakes his hand and leaves and you're like, what the fuck just happened? Because they can see 20 moves ahead. I think that that's what she just did there. So I input everything about our disagreement. She agreed to the wording I used, and then I hit the enter key and let the enemy of mother nature do its thing. Dude, this is amazing, Bill. After I saw what it said, I'm thinking I might have been wrong about AI. He goes, it went hard in the paint for me. It was fucking throwing elbows hit the outlet, pass even. I was like, damn, dude, take it easy. That's my girlfriend you're talking about, dude. So I'm reading it, and I'm laughing because it's like I'm having a ruthless attorney do all the grilling for me. But the kicker is this. By the end of the response, it's telling me that she's showing signs of toxicity and that I should consider ending the relationship if counseling doesn't work. Is this thing any way, shape or form attached to a therapy app? And it's just trying to drum up business. That's the only thing I'm thinking. Dude, that is fucking wild, insane stuff to think people actually make life decisions because of these stupid fake robots. Anyways, did he just bail? I'm probably gonna propose soon, and everything is great. Thanks for the laugh. Love the podcast. There's no fucking way that's real. Do you know what the worst thing is? I get that. I get it. You know what that's like in show business? Like, if your agent does something fucked up and people go like, you should fucking fire him. And it's like, and do what? Get another agent. That they're all the fucking same. I'm gonna get a call on Monday. Hey, when you. When you said that you weren't talking about me. I know. You know you have a couple of agents. You weren't talking about me, were you? All right, all right, shitbirds. We've been talking about birds. Your top five birds that you just don't like for whatever fucking stupid reason you don't like it. And I know you guys are all outdoorsmen out here. You know, I know none of you go to the grocery store, you harvest your own meat in the morning, right? You go out and the chickens scatter because they can sense one of them's going down. Two of them are not laying eggs anymore. Who's going in that pot? And you bring your kid out. Who named that chicken that you're going to kill? And you realize it's time to make that little boy a man. All right, shit birds. I never thought I would be in a part of Texas that would have empathy for. For walking out killing a chicken that doesn't lay eggs anymore. You guys really are weird. This is. It's a good thing. No, it's nice. I get it. All right. Shitbirds. Hey, Billy. Regular balls. I assume everything checks out down there? Longtime lady listener. I love when the ladies write in. All right. I got a bird story for the books. Lovebirds are assholes. Despite the name, there is nothing there to love. I don't know who named this species. I don't even know what these are. Where. Where are these things at that you can domesticate? I guess. A small bird that you can own. Yeah. Like a parrot type shit. Oh, they quit. The sellouts. Yeah. Like parakeets. Yeah. Vacation. Yeah. Like nobody has a raven for a pet. They don't need it. Yeah. If you get a raven and you think that. Yeah. They make you the pet, don't they? They, like, hold grudges and shit. Yeah, fuck all of that. Probably somebody on the Internet has a raven for a pet. If you wake up with a fucking raven in your room. Like, tell me you never saw the Omen without telling me you never saw the fucking Omen. Like, why would you do that? Why don't you just fucking have Jason Voorhees in there, you dumb fuck? All right. My mom thought the bird would be a neat pet after all the fish we flushed. There is no more of a loveless pet than a fucking fish. Even a kid can't cry if its fish dies. You don't give a fuck. You just take it. You got like that. It's slimy. It smells. You never loved it. It never loved you. You were just a psychedelic trip that just walked by. Right? First chicken, now fucking goldfish. I don't know. All right. I'm fucking bombing now, Andrew. Let me. Let me get this fucking back. Okay? So we named this little bastard Sunshine, Perhaps in the hopes that he would someday live up to that name and stop being a little piece of squawking shit. This is such human behavior. I took a bird that squawked, and then I brought it in my house and it continued to squawk. So therefore it's now a squawking piece of shit. I learned to blink almost constantly near him as to not be seen as a predator. I did homework. He would make nests in our hair. Perfect bowls. Dude, I'm not reading this. I am not. Is it worth it? You want me to spoil the ending? No, I'll fucking read it. But, like, I don't have. Like, have you seen these people? People get, like, Fucking raccoons as pets. Yeah. Okay. And they're fucking sitting on the couch, like, sharing a box, like a bag of Doritos with them. And it's just like, if that mauls you to death. I don't have. Yeah. Yeah. No empathy. Right? Okay. All right. Okay. So what would be. They're building a nest in their fucking hair. Okay. We'll build nests. Where the hell was I? I did homework. He would make nests in our hair perfect bowls. And then he would shit in that nest in Fly away. No left turn so far. The coward wouldn't even face you after. Which made it personal for my kid. Maybe he's shitting in your hair because he wants to go outside. Which made it personal for me as a kid maybe 10 years old. The amount of shampoo my mom was buying was ridiculous. Karma got this feathery little fuck. Here comes the left turn. He was always so macho when it came to other birds. Males. He ate through the bread ties. The ones that have the thin metal wire on them inside. Again. My mom used to keep this to latch the thing shut. But this time he did it while we were at school and she was at work. We all saw the bird in the cage as we left. Zero Doubt Sunshine went to the bathroom where there was a big mirror. And he must have saw the other male in his own reflection. We assume he attacked and knocked himself either unconscious or dead. He fell into the laundry hamper hard enough that the clothes covered him. We thought he was hiding somewhere. Being a dick. I love. Like he became like that fucking teenager you can't control in the house. So no one checked up on him. We didn't notice until we switched the load over from the washer to the dryer and found his body. Fuck this bird. We washed that son of a bitch. And I was missing and feathers were everywhere. We threw the entire load of laundry away. Not gonna trust a sock after that. It keeps going. What is it? Mom and my siblings were sobbing. But I was grinning. I was grinning from ear to ear. The sun was finally shining. With his ass out of our hair. He's in hell with whoever's named whoever named his species. Thanks for all the laughs you've given me. Please bring Nia on. Please bring Nia on again soon. It's been too long. Best wishes and all the love to you and your family. Go fuck yourself. All right. I judged that too soon. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I get dogs because we took the part of them like that they could survive the Wolf part out. So they need us now, Right? But I wouldn't even have a cat as a pet. It's like, you know what you're doing. Get out of here. Get on with your life. What am I fucking opening can for you for? You could go out and go kill something. You play with your food out there. Cats are like, I've really grown, too. Like, I would never have a cat. But just watching them, when a snake or something tries to with them and they can get in their kitchen, the cat is, like, right there, and it's just not even worried. And the snake goes to lunge, and they're able to jump back and whap. It's like. Like house cats. It's just fucking unbelievable to me, like, how that people have them as pets, you know? Like, if you die alone, if you're a cat lady. Yeah. They eat your face, like. And I want all of you guys to think of that as I go to read this next thing. All right, this is Mercy. This is the last one. There's two more. This next one came. This next one, full disclosure, came six months between the last one. So they're similar stories, but they're completely different people, and they came six months ago. Andrew, Is this a theme? Andrew Coming up with a theme here. All right, iguanas, everybody. Do you guys have any overly sensitive feelings about these? Like, I feel like because you guys are such animal lovers, like, everything was going great, and then that's. Oh, my God, the fucking parakeet. The fucking. What was he. Oh, no. You did, like, the psycho chick, right? All right, iguana. Am I bad? Am I a bad guy here? Hey, Billy Freckles or Andrew, whoever reads this shit, it is Andrew. And then I read it. Love the podcast. Longtime listener, first time email. I need your wisdom on this ridiculous event. So my neighbor has a pet iguana. I don't get it. I don't get why people have reptiles as pet. It's like, you already work for a corporation. Isn't that enough? You want to come home to that same look on their face? Non. Feeling all right. My pet might be. So my neighbor has a pet iguana. Totally legal. That's what he says. I didn't know it wasn't. And even if it wasn't, I wouldn't care, as long as he wasn't abusing the thing. The problem is this thing gets out of his yard and occasionally comes over onto our lawn. Dude, it's gonna get killed, right? Something's gonna kill it, right? I would Think so. Which I really. At least a landscaper with a fucking lawnmower, which I really don't have a problem with. I've seen enough birds in my time and seeing a lizard is kind of refreshing. I let him know, hey, man, your lizard is my yard. What he meant say, in my yard. Yeah, hey man, your lizard is in my yard. Oh, well, he wrote, hey man, your lizard is my yard. See, I want to let you guys know it's not always me. Hey, man, your lizard is in my yard. No issue. Just wanted to let you know. Okay. Last week, the thing somehow crawled into my dryer vent. I think it climbed. Probably wanted heat, right? It's a reptile. I'm just grabbing for straws here. Maybe it was using again and it was ashamed. Didn't want to see its owner. And that's like skid row for a lizard, you know? Hangs in the dryer with all the dust balls and all. It's fucking hitting the pipe. Fucking eyes even more fucking looking around. Not the old fucking crack addicted iguana. How many times have you seen this? Anyways, I didn't notice it. Oh, Jesus Christ. I think it climbed on top of my grill and made its way in. I didn't notice until I went to do the laundry, turned it on, and it suddenly sounded like a mariachi band was trapped in there. I love animals, but this is funny. I opened it up and the iguana shot out like a scaly torpedo. Luckily wasn't in there. Dude, his blood temperature probably shot through the roof. Like, hey, I'm feeling a little bit chilly. Think I'll go in there. It's amazing. Why didn't you take a picture of this? This is fantastic. Come on. He didn't die. This is like watching a human fall off a bicycle. It's funny. Come on, he can still talk. I opened it up and the iguana shot out like a scaly torpedo. Luckily wasn't in there long, so it didn't have a chance to heat up. Just a couple of tumbles. Dude. I had friends of mine, they used to put their cat in a pillowcase and they'd fucking. They'd swing them around like that. You could do this in the 70s, there was no one there to document it. Yeah, they used to. To torture that cat. They would put it in the dryer. They would do experiments to see how they could get it to not like land on its feet. They would like tie up its tail to its back and like, second floor, they drop it out. It's. I I didn't see it happen, so it's funny to hear about it. I'm just doing this because I know you like animals. All right, Sorry. He's only there for a couple of tumbles. Rated PG Abuse of an iguana. I'm thinking, thank God I wasn't washing sneakers or that racket would have sounded normal and I wouldn't have checked. Good point. Our dryer is old, but heats up a lot. Routinely shrinks clothes. It might have killed it. I know lizards like heat, but this might have been a little well done. By the end of it, We got the neighbor to come by and get the scared thing out of here to comfort the guy. My girlfriend said that we'll put a screen over the vent so he couldn't do it again. I know she's being nice, but do I really have to lizard proof my house now? I say if you own a lizard the size of a dachshund, you gotta be the first and last stop to making sure it doesn't wander into the 20th century. What do you say, Bill? I mean, I think it all depends on how much you give a fuck about that iguana. You know, I will say you need to talk to your girlfriend for speaking out of turn, saying, we'll put a screen up. You know, she's speaking for your time there. You know, that's when you got to be like, what the. Shut the fuck up and walk to the car. Watching March Madness. I'm not putting up a fucking iguana screen. All right, the last time. All right, last one here. Thank you. Bye, everybody for coming out. I really appreciate it and for listening to the podcast and all that. All right, now this is a good time. The time I almost flew an airplane. Oh, shit. All right. Dear Billy Burley, in case you couldn't figure it out from the subject line, this is completely. This is the completely and totally true tale of when I accidentally flew a plane. Back in 2010, I did a college semester with National Outdoor Leadership School in Western Australia. All right, now it tracks. At first I was like, how the fuck could anybody get into that position? And then you're like, I was in Australia. All right, I get it. Totally understand it. If you don't go to Australia during Australia Day, I recommend Perth. And then you will totally understand how somebody could end up in this situation. It was a three month backcountry expedition, all tracks consisting of 110 mile canoe trip down the Drysdale river, then a 90 mile or so hike to a cattle station where we Would then be picked up by an all terrain bus. Oh my. Dude, the most poisonous reptiles in the fucking world live in their badlands all in the middle. This is the level of balls. This is like such a white person thing to do. Just like, you know, your whole house smells like a candle store. It's just too fucking tranquil. You just have to go out and find fucking danger. I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go walk amongst taipants. You know, I thought you guys wanted to be a little more worldly. All right. It was a three month backcountry expedition consisting of 110 mile canoe trip. I already did all that part on the bus. Somehow I managed to. While on this bus trip, I somehow managed to ball tap myself with my dick. But that's a different story. Yeah, yeah it is, it is. And it's for a different podcast. I already did the meundies read I don't need this. And driven to the coast where we lived with aborigines of the Bardi tribe for three weeks. Dude, are you like running from the law? What is this? But first we had to get to the fucking river. So after a day's prep and packing, we head to the Brome airport and loaded up a flock of six seater airplanes. Somehow I ended up being in the co pilot seat with one of these people when one of these planes were about to take off. Being an adventurous college kid, I was psyched to be the co pilot in the co pilot seat. However, I quickly noticed how old this particular bird was. She had a pair of push button cigarette lighters in the dash and ashtray. And fucking duct tape. It wasn't speed tape wrapped around the strut connection to the wing. Yeah, I'm gonna say the FAA is probably not out in this part of the world checking up on these fucking planes. That's like in Australia. They just fly those helicopters like cowboys crashing them all the fucking times. They're out of their minds. You're supposed to bring them in every 50 hours, right? Fuck that, mate. They herd cattle with them. Just fucking yanking the guts out of them. That's a tip for you, don't ever buy a used helicopter from New Zealand. The you have a better chance with a jaguar. The first 30 minutes or so were pretty standard flying. Besides realizing I'm in an almost antique airplane, once we pass the last bit of civilization I'll see for months, the pilot takes out this clipboard and started checking off the flight checklist, which personally I feel should have been done before we were in the air. But just my thought though, maybe it's some sort of in flight check. Once you get. I don't know. That's scary. Oh my God. While he's alive, he's writing this. There's no reason to be nervous, okay? While he's doing this, not paying attention to the controls of the gauges or anything else besides the checklist, while the plane decides to nose dive towards planet Earth while the pilot was otherwise distracted. Bill, my bald headed brethren. This little ass plane felt like it went up in just a bit. And then it took a nose dive and it pointed at the fucking ground. I've seen a few movies and reacted without thought. I grabbed the controls and pulled the fuck up. Did it work? I have no idea. I know you do something else with your feet. I don't fly planes. The pilot reacted in a similar fashion, Throwing the clipboard aside and grabbing the controls. Well, the plane leveled out in a few terrifying seconds and we started climbing back to our cruising elevation. Just as I was about to apologize for touching the controls or fucking anything up, the pilot looks at me and goes, oy, thanks mate. And that's the true story. When I accidentally flew a plane. Thanks. And go yourself, you cunt. Jesus Christ. Before I wrap it up, there is a. There's a video that scared the out of me. Now, like I said, I don't fly planes, I fly helicopters. So however the physics works, if something's turning this way, it wants to turn you the other way. So what happens is if you, if the main rotor turns clockwise, it wants to turn you counterclockwise. And that's what the tail rotors for. It just, it changes your attack. It bites in so it keeps your nose forward. So I guess with the prop plane, it's the same thing. If this thing's turning, it wants to turn the fucking plane. But whatever you're doing with your feet stops from doing it. So this student pilot was coming in for a fucking landing and for one second they didn't do it. They were like coming into the Runway and you're like on the camera behind them and the fucking plane just did like a 360 spin before he stopped it. He was like flying, going like this. Some plane goes like that and he just goes, whoa. And plane pilots always tell me like, what? Fixed wing always tell me that that shit is safer. And I always tell and I understand what they're saying, but whenever I see that, I go like, I don't know, man. It seems like, you know, you got a little sciatic nerve and your fucking foot falls asleep. I mean, if that happened at night, you know, you don't have an instrument rating. There's no moon. You don't even know you fuck. Whatever. It's fucking scary shit. All right, let's not get into the nerd shit about this. All right, Before I get out of here, people, this was fucking amazing. I want to thank all you guys for coming out here. I really had a great time, and if you enjoyed this, Andrew, we're going to start doing these a little more often. I got a lot out of this. I hope you guys had a great time. Thanks to everybody here at south by Southwest. Thank you to Ship Ahoy Green guy, whatever the fuck these dudes are. I got a ship station for financing most of this stuff. I really appreciate it and thank you to Austin for always being an awesome comedy town. And thank you for all you guys listening to my dumb jokes. Thank you so much. I'll see you next time. Good night, Sa.