← Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast
Logos, Blinking Robots, A.I. Scam | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-26
01:33:55
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- [00:03]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's going on, man? How's it going? Oh, geez Louise. I went. Went over to Jimmy Kimmel yesterday. I didn't. I wasn't on the show, but a friend of mine, Frankie Perez, who has a new album out, was. Was on there, sat in with the band and he absolutely killed it. So congratulations to him and I want to thank Jimmy Kimmel for. For getting him on. Announced his album twice on the show, was awesome, and he killed it. And then I hung out afterward and just had a great time. Having a good week, man. Bruins won game two. Should one. Game one. Jesus Christ. We weren't so young if we knew how to, like, close out a team. We even did it in game two. We're up four to nothing. You got 13 minutes to go. Just fucking, you know, let them do all their dumb shit and just get the fuck out of there. Nope, not us. It's kind of funny. Like we. There's. There's not a penalty we. We won't fucking take. Um, I don't know. It reminds me of. Reminds me of the Bruins back in the 80s when we used to always get involved in all of this physical stuff with these teams, and then in the end we would lose until we finally beat the canadiens in like 87. But we would always get drawn into the fights and get involved in all of this and. But I gotta tell you, you know, either the Bruins or way better than people said or. I don't know, I mean, I like the Sabers and everything like that, but I. I don't feel like, you know, the way they were hyping this series up, like these guys were just gonna fucking kill us. They seem really like, you know, they're a young team too. I don't know. Whatever the fuck we're doing is not what the Canadians and Tampa Bay Lightning are doing. Jesus Christ. Flying all over the ice. That series isn't. That's the best first round series. I never pay attention to the West. I don't know what's going on. I know Edmonton won the first game against the Ducks, but that's. That's about it. But that Edmonton Tampa Bay series is bananas. Bananas like the level of hockey that everybody seems to be playing anyway. And the Bruins and Sabers game too. We had like an old school Jesus Christ with the construction. Everybody's doing construction in the neighborhood. The. The Sabers Bruins series looks like one of those old Adams Division playoff games. Like, I remember when I went to NC State for like a year and I was down in North Carolina in 87, 88. So it was like April 88 and in the first round of the playoffs, the Bruins were playing the Sabres and the game was not on TV in North Carolina. So I had to. I fucking put on espn and I'm just sitting there looking at the highlights and I'm seeing like fucking Neely Byers and Jay Miller are in the fucking like standing room only in the penalty box. And I'm like, you know, that's when we played in the Garden. They played in the odd. Oh my God, those were the days. Anyway, so congratulations to the Bruins. This will probably go seven. I think it's just going to go back and forth. I think these are two young teams pointed in the right direction. But you know, you know, we're. We're doing young team stuff. But I still, you know, I still, I still am really enjoying like compared to, you know, last year was obviously that was a tough year to be a Bruins fan. So this year I'm happy with whatever. So anyway, I went up like last night.
- [04:20]
Guest/Caller
I was sort of wired.
- [04:21]
Bill Burr
I couldn't go to sleep. And I was, you know, I've been paying attention to that Flyers Penguin series, which has sucked. You know, that's usually a great back and forth, but Penguins aren't ready yet. Evidently Flies are up three games to none. So I started looking, I just said, why the. Did they call them the Flyers? Like, what is that? And I guess they had a contest and that was the name they picked. It sounded cool. It sounded like how the game is fast flying up and down the ice or whatever. So that's what they went with. And I also never understood their logo. I never knew that that was like a p. Sort of angled, like doing that Michael Jackson thing from that video. And then like, that's sort of the vapors coming off the back had no idea. And then that was it. I was up till one in the morning looking up all sports logos, how they came up with them. So many of them back in the day were just a contest and somebody figured it out. Like the New England Patriots back in the day.
- [05:23]
Guest/Caller
Pat Patriots.
- [05:24]
Bill Burr
Somebody fucking drew that and sent it in. And they were like, yeah, that's what we're using. I went everyone from like the New England Patriots to the Quebec Nordiques and the Nordics. I never understood. I thought that was like a. I know it was a Hockey stick with, like, a red rainbow next to it. I never looked. Oh, that's an N for nordiques, you stupid bastard. And then I was like, well, what does nordiques mean? And it's northerners. It's French word for northerners or something like that. This is what I did. Until, like, one in the morning. And I just kept going, like, I have to go to bed. I have to go to bed. But how can you go to bed when you're on something that is just
- [06:08]
Guest/Caller
so
- [06:10]
Bill Burr
mindless and fun? That whole. That Vancouver Canuck jersey, you know, that was supposed to be a voice. That absolutely hideous uniform that is, like, literally so bad, it's actually good now. And as bad as the black ones were, the. The other ones, their home ones, whatever the hell they were, because back in the day, you wore the dark jerseys on the road, the lighter ones that look like. Like honey mustard with, like, a red and orange V in it. It was a fucking. That was even loud for the 70s. And that was something too. Like, in real time, people were going like, those fucking jerseys are ugly as hell. And then what happens is they make a movie years later, and they act like people didn't know. Like, I always said that about, like, the AMC Pacer. Remember that car that they.
- [07:16]
Guest/Caller
What?
- [07:16]
Bill Burr
What? The movie was that Dana Carvey and Mike Myers? The movie is that Amadeus? Amadeus? What the was that movie? Yeah, they had him. They had the. I'm gonna remember it second. I end this podcast. They had them riding around in that Pacer or like, if that 70s show or all those things, they always have somebody, like, riding around in a Pacer. Like, that's what people did. I remember that car came out. Everybody was like, what the is that? That's the ugliest car I've ever seen in my Life. And, like, 10 people bought it.
- [07:59]
Guest/Caller
Sorry, I'm drinking my coffee here.
- [08:02]
Bill Burr
Anyway, psyched. I got Atlantic City Saturday night, and I don't know why I already know I'm gonna murder on that show. Sometimes you just know. And I think just getting on the other side of just the fact that. That. That AFI thing that I had to speak on, that it went so well. You know, they asked me the day before to speak, and when they did that, I was like, dude, what the. Give me a couple days. But now I'm kind of happy. Like, I only had to stress for one day, you know, but that went great. And I just felt like. I don't know, I just felt like it was such a great night
- [08:46]
Guest/Caller
and
- [08:46]
Bill Burr
to get included with all of that talent was. Was just. It was beyond an honor. So I just feel like everything's kind of gravy after this, this past weekend. So I know I'm going to be in the perfect mindset. And I haven't been to Atlantic City in a while, and I got a bunch of friends with the family back, so I got a bunch of buddies are coming out to the show. Bunch of knuckleheads.
- [09:10]
Guest/Caller
And
- [09:13]
Bill Burr
I fucking love Atlantic City. I love New Jersey. New Jersey. Oh, I don't. It's gotten so much shit, dude. There's a lot of good food in New Jersey. Why? Because there's a lot of Italians, you know, And I, you know, how do you do better than Italian? Japanese, French, There's a lot of good food. Mexican, there's a lot of good food out there. But I'm just saying Italian, though, you know, I don't know. I grew up on that. So when I get back there, I. I always try to make sure I hit some sort of spot. I don't know, I might have some acting work out there later on this year, something that shoots that way. So that's going to be the hardest thing. I'm just going to do the fucking elliptical every day and do my acting job. But on the weekend, there's some pizza spot out there. Dave Portnoy gave, like, the highest rating he's ever given. I have it saved somewhere in my phone. I got to go to that place. I gotta do something, man, when I'm back there. So I'm excited to get back there. Fucking east coast, end of April, beginning of May, gorgeous weather, unbelievable food. What do I give a fuck, right? And then I got. On Tuesday night, Tuesday night I got the Patrice O' Neill the 13th, if you can believe it, the 13th annual Patrice O' Neill Comedy Benefit. All proceeds, after we, you know, pay for the building to rent it that night, goes to his lovely mother. It's Tuesday, April 28, at the New York City Center Theater in New York City. We have an incredible lineup. Adam Ray, David Tell, Drew Dunn, Jordan Jensen, Matt Richards, Zarna Garg, and me, Bill Burr. And as always, the great Rich Voss, who's been our MC every year, is going to be out there. And he always sets the tone. Great. Because he kind of. He doesn't bring you up as much as he sort of roasts you as he brings you onto stage. So I. And I think, like, the crowd always seems to really like that, you know, seeing us around as opposed to just being all professional, like, wow, they really do make fun of themselves, each other. So anyway, I was watching some of the hockey. Some of the hockey. How old do I sound? With my son? And there was a guy on the ice wearing number 55. And my son goes, dad, is that. He goes, is that 55?
- [12:03]
Guest/Caller
So I start cracking up.
- [12:04]
Bill Burr
I'm like, no, 55. And sometimes he laughs with me, but sometimes he gets sensitive. He'll be like, hey, don't laugh at me. I'm like, I'm not. It's just. Just what you said was funny. I'm not laughing at you. I'm. I'm trying to laugh with you. Does that work? No. Anyways, did you guys go out and go see Bob Odenkirk's movie this past weekend? I hope you did Normal, if you like, an action movie, slash comedy, slash, like, badass story. It was such a fun movie released. I. I did. I did real well this. This month. Like, some of the movies that I saw. I saw Roommates, Adam Sandler's daughter Sadie in. That was hilarious. And. And then that same week, I went out and I saw Bob Odenkirk's movie Normal. You got to see this. Go out. Go out and go see human beings in movies while you still can. I saw this stupid thing the other day. They saying this robot ran a half marathon in 50 minutes.
- [13:17]
Guest/Caller
So what?
- [13:19]
Bill Burr
And first of all, how do I know it ran the whole thing? I wasn't there. I swear to God. I. I am starting to think this AI and all of this robot, they're just. They're just. They're just hyping this up because everybody. What they're trying to do is to get some dumbass to pay $500 million for their app or their technology. Because all of these billionaires, they know that at any second, the landscape can change, you know? And I remember Jimmy Iovine one time, I saw him on this great thing, like, when they did this whole thing on him, and he was talking about. I forget what it was. Some new music technology came out, and he was.
- [14:07]
Guest/Caller
He was like, what. What is that? What is that?
- [14:10]
Bill Burr
Because I don't want to be the last guy trying to sell a cd. And that just. I remember that stayed with me, like, the brilliant business mind of that guy. And then also, like, you know, you have this idea that, oh, man, you make $1 billion. You got your business, you just fucking cruise. And it's just like, no, no, that this just keeps going. So with that little, like, it's funny out of all that whole thing, that was a great documentary with him and Dr. Dre. And the two quotes I remember is, I don't want to be the last guy selling a CD. And Dr. Dre going, I wear the same thing every day. I don't know why those two things stuck out. But anyway, I think this AI and everything that they're claiming that it could do and all of that, I think they are just. They are exaggerating and they are getting these. They're scaring them. The established money and they're all running out trying to. It doesn't even make sense what they're doing. And they keep saying it's going to save. It's going to save all this money. And it's like, for who? It's going to save money for people at the top, and it's going to fire everybody in the middle class. And then how can they buy what you're selling? Like, this is a disastrous formula that all of these. These. These super rich people are excited because they don't want to. They've never wanted to pay anybody. That's why they want a robot. Okay? I just. I buy it once and then I'm done.
- [15:57]
Guest/Caller
I don't know how much it costs.
- [15:58]
Bill Burr
Fee to hire a person versus buying a robot that can run a half marathon in 50 minutes. What the fuck do.
- [16:04]
Guest/Caller
What?
- [16:04]
Bill Burr
Are you going to race somebody else's robot?
- [16:05]
Guest/Caller
What the.
- [16:06]
Bill Burr
What the fuck are you going to do with that thing? I love how people are all freaking out. There's fucking things. They're going to come running after you. There's going to be no escape. It's like, dude, our whole life we've lived with nuclear weapons. Okay? Some guy nods off and his fucking, you know, face plants on a red button and we're all gone. I mean, it's just.
- [16:29]
Guest/Caller
We just.
- [16:30]
Bill Burr
It's what we do. We fucking. Most people are cool and they just fucking hang out. And then you just got psychos at the top. Just constantly keeping us in conflict. Oh, wouldn't it be great if people ever. Everybody just is like, yeah, we're not. We're not doing this anymore. We're not. No, no. We're not buying the next thing. We're not going to war. You guys all need to fucking relax. You have a yacht. You have a giant fucking house. You got whores and a mountain of cocaine. Okay, you did it. Congratulations. You know the. Are you doing? I'm telling you, I saw. I saw that this. This guy was talking about this thing that he had come, like his technology, and he was hyping his and he goes. And then it just keeps going exponentially. And it could, it could, it could do 25000 years of thinking in, in like one second. It's like. Did you just pull that out of your ass? What the does that even mean 25,000 years of thinking in one second. Thinking about what? What is it? They're not even saying what it's thinking about. What is the ramification of a machine doing 25,000 years of thinking in one
- [17:57]
Guest/Caller
second
- [18:01]
Bill Burr
when it's a human being telling them what? Who the fuck are you? How do you vets the person you're going to sell that to? You're going to give them that level of power? I like how we can do 25000 years of thinking in one second. You still haven't sold it like that. Why don't you tell the thing how to figure out how to become something somebody wants to buy. None of it makes sense. No stupid boxes going down the street. Those little robot things from the. I like how. Why, why are the eyes, why their eyes? Why is it blinking? Why did, why do you have to make it like do you think I'm going? Oh my God. It's so relatable. Those are lights. It doesn't think it's not alive. No self driving cars. It's like climbing into your telephone. It's like jumping in a fucking microwave and just cooking your fucking brain. And they're not going to say anything about it until people cook their brains. And they're going to be like, oh yeah, you know, here's 40 bucks, You know. You know would be amazing is if you gave these lunatics everything that they wanted, okay? You just gave them everything that they wanted. All the money in the world, the biggest boat, you know, the hottest woman, you know. What, what? Whatever the you wanted. You know, you can eat an endangered species every night for dinner, whatever the you want, right? But like they get it and nobody gets harmed. Would they still be satisfied? Like I feel like they need people to suffer in order for them because what they're chasing is empty. If you don't believe that, watch that Murdoch document on the Murdoch family. I mean Jesus Christ, those people, they wipe their asses with thousand dollar bills. And it's the one of one of the saddest families. I, I, I remember watching that documentary. I just kept looking at that Rupert guy like just will you just hug your son? What are you doing? The you guys are suing each other. You're telling the lawyer to say all this horrible shit. What the Is. Everybody has to have their own yacht now because they're not talking to each other. I don't know. Then you got that sweaty guy over there on Twitter. Does he look even remotely happy? Shark Tank. You watch Shark Tank? All of those. None of them seem happy. None of them. They're all in their egos. And just like, I'll give you, I'll give you this for that percentage company, you know, because of that, I'm out. I love when they say that I'm out. And that's like supposed to be this big traumatic thing.
- [21:09]
Guest/Caller
Like, wow.
- [21:11]
Bill Burr
See, that's the difference between me and them. They know when to say I'm out. It's like, jerk off. You're doing a TV show. How do I know if any of this is real? The are you doing? You just. I'm gonna go on. I'm gonna go on TV and just be rich.
- [21:33]
Guest/Caller
That's, that's, that's what I'm gonna do.
- [21:39]
Bill Burr
What do you got there? Some ping Pong Table 2.0.
- [21:42]
Guest/Caller
Oh, yeah.
- [21:43]
Bill Burr
Well, what if somebody wants to use it as a sunbed? A tanning bed? You can't do that. Right there. I'm out. Those guys, Shark Tank, they should call it the Cunt. The Cunt Tank. I'm sorry, I barely watched the show. I just can't stand when they're sitting there with their stupid legs crossed. And then there's some has got to go up there and dance with his dream to try to, to, to get in front of these people who all they're going to do is just try to him out of whatever. You know, if it's actually a good idea, they're going to. You get to watch in real time them fucking them out out of whatever the fuck they bought. And then you see, like when they try to negotiate back so they maintain some sort of leverage, they get like, pissed. Like, I gave you money, you should just say yes. You know, and then they get mad. Like, it's funny. Like they don't. If they put themselves in a position that they can totally fuck you over, they got a smile on their face. But if you push back against that, they, they get like visibly upset. You know why? Because that's how business is done. Isn't that what they say? That's how business is done. The guy with more money bends over the guy with less money, but he does it with a smile on his face. Because that's how business is done.
- [23:11]
Guest/Caller
Foreign.
- [23:13]
Bill Burr
I'm telling you right now, these robots and AI, it's just A fad. It's going to come and go. You know, think about it. Remember pagers. It just, it comes and it goes. This whole idea that we're just going to be walking around with, with like robots and, and, and like, you know, people are going to fall in love with them and all of this, that they're pretty. None of that, none of that's gonna happen. None of that. The way we're destroying this planet and the amount of raw materials that it would take to create an entire populace. Everybody's gonna have a robot, you know, that's gonna go clean the gutters or you can have sex with it or whatever the they're selling you. You know, all of this fucking crazy shit. It's not going to happen. Do you remember in the late 90s when pets.com went for like $50 million?
- [24:16]
Guest/Caller
I.
- [24:16]
Bill Burr
This, this feels like another one of those. And it's the same thing with all of these stupid apartment. They keep knocking down shit. You know, here's a bowling alley. Now it's gone. Now here's an apartment building where nobody can afford the apartments. And then they're just empty. This. I don't know what that is. It's some sort of, that's all going to come crashing down and guess who's going to have to pay for it when it does anyway. I'm not buying any of it. I don't buy any of it and I'm not going to participate. That's, that's how I feel like I'm going to become that guy. I'm just going to walk around smiling, saying hello to human beings and I am not going to participate. You know, it's funny if that, that like that'll be considered like the new racism like if you don't with robots. Because at that point like two people will own all of the media in the world and mouth breathing morons will still be watching air quote the news and commenting about it on Facebook. That'll be like the new racism. Like if you don't, if you don't. How would they do it? They would say, oh, he thinks he's too good for him. He thinks he's better than them. Where it all ends is when robots start getting rights. You know, so then you literally can't like so and so was in love with that robot and you poured a bucket of water on its back and now it doesn't work. They'll be like, like there was some sort of. That's still destruction of property. I don't know. I mean but who am I? I can't do 25, 000 years of thinking in one second. That truly is one of the wildest things I've ever heard. Like, out of all, like, the music, the music, man. Oh, we got trouble. Like, that was one of the wildest lines I've ever heard in my life. What does that sound like? 25, 000 years? Oh, like a. Like a symphony of that for one second. All right, we gotta do. We gotta do the ads here, everybody. You know, this is why I just stay up late at night looking up the history of sports logos. You know, you can't stand still, man, or the whole game passes you by. Hey, have fun playing the game. Good. Fantastic. You.
- [26:55]
Guest/Caller
You go.
- [26:56]
Bill Burr
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- [27:52]
Guest/Caller
Oh, God.
- [27:54]
Bill Burr
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- [31:45]
Guest/Caller
Hi.
- [31:46]
Bill Burr
Privacy trees. Get the fuck out of here. Flowering trees, shrubs. Dude, I'm going to get a row of fucking shrubs to hide my house and my foundation. That line there. And house plants. Tell me you have cats without telling me you have cats. When you have house plants all grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy, well, wouldn't you assume they would arrive healthy? What are they going to come there with fucking, I don't know, what, gypsy moths on them? That's like somebody who goes, you know something, dude, I'm a very honest person. Anytime somebody says that, they fucking lie their asses off. Plus, get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape. No, I wouldn't do that if I was you. That's them helping you plan. I was going to stick a shrub over there. Really? Wouldn't you go with a fern? Choose the right plants and learn how to care for them every step of the way. You don't need a big yard or a lot of space. You can even grow lemon, avocado, olive oil of our fig trees indoors. That's crazy. Along with a wide variety of houseplants. Like, it's like you're living on the moon. Fucking Matt Damon come. Oh, he was on Mars. All grown with care and hand selected to thrive in your home. Get all the plants you need without the messy car or the trip to the garden center. Right now they have great deals on spring planting essentials up to half off on selected pants. And listeners of our show get 20% off their first purchase when using the code burr at checkout. And that's an additional 20% off. Better plants and better growing at fast growingtrees.com use the code burr at checkout. Fast growing trees.com burr. Now's the perfect time to plant. Hey, let's grow together, man. Use burr to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. Jesus Christ. There's another one. Ship station. Are you gay and you're on a boat? Go to ship state. No ship station everybody. I'm stationed on a ship. We use ship station. We used to ship all our merch ourselves before we found out about solutions like ship station. Almost sounds like shit. Station Ship station. An all in one e commerce tool to help you focus on what matters. And let. And let ship Station handle.
- [34:12]
Guest/Caller
Jesus Christ.
- [34:13]
Bill Burr
Let's start Ship Station, everybody. We used to ship all our merch ourselves before we found out about solutions like ShipStation. All in one E commerce tool to help you focus on what matters and let Ship Station handle the shipping for you. Whatever you want to ship, however you want to ship it. Jesus. Whatever you want is chip man. Birthday gifts. Whatever you want to ship or ever you want to ship it. You know, we don't ask, we just ship it. Ship Station can do it for up to 90% less. Here's how it works. Ship Station rates shops across the major carriers like UPS, USPS and FedEx to get you the best rates, up to 90% off. And if your company happens to already have negotiated rates with the carrier, you can keep those. Dude. So those pinnacles of shipping now have to fucking try to outbid each other because Ship Station came in and stood between them and you. This is the Jimmy Iovine shit. I don't want to be the last guy shipping a fucking cd. Ship Station is end to end order fulfillment with your e commerce business, inventory management, shipping returns and more. Do it all with ship station. Over 1 million businesses have trusted ShipStation. Try it for free for 60 days at shipstation.com bird that shipstation.com code burr for 60 days free shipstation.com code burr oh, look who it is. It's all zip. Did you know that the average employer has to sort through roughly 250 resumes per job opening? But I imagine that's pretty tedious. Well, regardless of who makes it to the final round, one thing's for certain. It takes the most talented people to build these incredible teams. The same goes when you're hiring. If you want your business to be at the top of its game, you need the best people on your team. The place to find them zip. And right now you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com bird zip zip out. ZipRecruiter's smart matching technology immediately finds qualified candidates that check all your boxes. Want to see who's recently active? Zip recruiters? Filter can show you score the best for your team with zip. Four to five employees who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at ziprecruiter.com spur that's zip.com bur meet your match on zip recruiter. You're listening to this podcast so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary. All right, that is the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. God bless you. Or if you're not religious, fucking have a nice day. All right, that's it. I'll check in on you Monday. Oh, wait a second. I'm supposed to say listen to the music. And then this bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. There we go.
- [38:07]
Guest/Caller
So I can barely survive out of my mind. So I've got a plan. I'm going to find out just how long I am going to have a good time.
- [38:29]
Bill Burr
Ever since I tried.
- [38:31]
Guest/Caller
Hey, what's going on? Bill Burr? And it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 23, 2018. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? I'm actually recording this on fucking Wednesday, April 25th, in case you're listening to this in the future. And you wanted to know what was going on with me as far as my health goes. Now, notice I said as far as my health goes instead of health wise. I learned in vocabulary improvement back in high school. There's no such thing as the wise guys. Health wise, weather wise. You know, that's why I can never listen to Come Fly with me.
- [39:09]
Bill Burr
Weather wise.
- [39:10]
Guest/Caller
It's such a lovely day. Hey, Frank, I know you're connected, but that's improper grammar, all right? I'm not attacking you or your heritage or the fact that you're from New Jersey, all right? You're overly sensitive, so and so I'm just saying that that's, you know, I don't know who wrote that song, okay? So why don't you Scooby doo de Boo over to a fucking dictionary and you. You find me weather wise. Francis, am I really trashing a dead fucking Frank Sinatra? Sorry, I'm. I'm not. I've almost lied and try to tell you I'm on cold medication, but I don't take cold medication. Cold medication is for fucking millennials, all right? And even if you're older and you take it, you're a millennial at heart, you can't deal with the fact that you got yourself sick. You need to lay down, get eight hours, and let your body fucking go through it, all right? The reason why your nose is running is because it's trying to get the virus out of you. Just let it happen. These fucking assholes. I swear to God, man, the amount of people that gave me advice, you know, there's no cure for the common cold, but everybody thinks they have one. You know what? Zinc. Try some zinc. Shot of whiskey, dude. My manager told me. He goes, vitamin D. Everybody thinks it's C. Vitamin D. Unbelievable. One of the greatest managers in the world, and he also knows the cure for a cold. I mean, who knew that? Just fucking with you, Dave. Ah, let's get that out of the way. Jesus Christ. This is just a cold that won't quit. This is the cold that's letting me know that Mother Nature is regrouping. You know, right now we're squeezing her, all right, like the way Andre the Giant was squeezing fucking Hulk Hogan in that documentary. And they're lifting Mother Nature's arm and they're dropping it down. They lift it up, they're dropping it down. They're like, oh, my God, the bad guys are going to win. And at one point, her arms just gonna stay there and she's gonna start shaking a fucking blonde hair. That was always my favorite part. When Hulk would start coming back and he'd give him that one big hit, and then he'd walk around the ring looking up and looking up at the rafters, just shaking his head. That was the best. I watched that documentary, like, three times. And when. When I watched that. That part of the fight with Nia, we were both laughing our asses off in a great way. Like, they just. Some of the greatest performers of all time and professional wrestlers, you know, when I was growing up, right through the Rock and all of those guys, like, their ability, Stone cold, all of them, their ability to work a crowd, it's just. It's second to none. You know, I got a buddy of mine still going like, dude, yeah, but isn't it like a fake fight? You know? Is it. But isn't it like a fake fight? It's just like, I. How fucking dumb are you? It's like, yes, it's entertainment. They fucking said it, like, 30 years ago, and some guy cried, all right? And the greatest thing they ever did was say that it was all arranged and all of that shit for the most part, so then they could actually talk about how fucking hurt they got when they actually were doing these fake fights. I had to tell Virzi that, like, Virzi, if you knew, okay, we had a fake fight and I said I was going to pick you up and throw you across the room and you were going to land on your back. You know that would still hurt. Even though, you know, we arranged that it was going to happen. Right? Physics is still in play there. No, sorry, I'm a little hot here with this fucking mics. I was having a problem with my recorder here. Oh, God. So believe it or not, I'm actually on the other side of this thing. I completely lost my voice by. By Sunday. And so I started gargling with a little bit of apple cider vinegar and some salt in there. And that kind of cleared me up a little bit. I'll do that shit. But I'm not going down to the fucking drugstore. Even though I did and I bought all this shit and I just looked at the ingredients. I'm like, I'm not putting this in my fucking body. So basically what? I kicked the shit out of my fucking liver so this medicine can fool my fucking nose that I don't have a cold. I apologize, dude, for how stuffy I am, but I got to do this because I'm going to be fucking backed up on podcast because I got the Thursday one tomorrow. I'm liking that I Love Lucy sketch where they got the chocolates coming down. Except it's podcasting. I mean, Christ, I don't have time for this shit. Guess what the fuck? I watched yesterday on the plane coming back, actually went up to Boston and I visited my family baggished and on. Dude, by the way, the fucking anger, that is still in Massachusetts. It's not really with the younger kids, which kind of makes me happy and a little bit sad. You know, at some point you do have to let go of the anger, but I hope, I hope all the characters are still, you know, around. But I was driving through my. My old neighborhood and I. There's this cop directing traffic at a little three way stop. He tells this guy to stop and evidently he didn't. And the cop starts flipping out. Now I'm like two, three cars down the line. So I. I can't hear what the guy's saying, but he is fucking flailing his arms like Earl Weaver, right? He manages the orioles about fucking 40 years ago. Sorry. And I'm laughing my balls off how fucking angry he is at this guy, right? And then when he gets the guy to stop and then the other, he waves us to start going like that's not enough for him. He walks up to the guy's car and starts screaming at him. So I'm thinking maybe this is some young punk with his radio turned up and he's not listening to the cop. I show up, it's like some old dude with like white hair. This fucking eight foot cop is screaming at him, ah, I don't know how you do it. I would not, I would not have handled that well. If he came out to my window, there's no way. I would have been like, relax. And then I would have been, you know, in cuffs because you can't tell a guy who's flipping out and screaming at you to fucking relax. I need to learn my rights for those moments because I am a control freak. And I forget that I don't know how to fight in those moments. And I just immediately go to go fuck yourself. And then, and then the ramification comes that I am not prepared for. I actually got angry for that guy and started, drove past the cop, saying all the shit to the cop in my car, to myself, as if I was that guy talking to that cop. How fucking nuts is that? Or is that normal? Is that something you do? I just feel like for me, Oh, Jesus Christ. I haven't been this sick since I've been a dad, which is fucking brutal to get this sick when you're a dad. Because then you can't hug your kid, which is the worst. I mean, that's what you have a kid for. So you can hug him, right? And lie about what you did when you were a kid, right? That's what you do. Well, I used to make my bed every day. I did all my homework. I was never a problem for my parents. Anyways, I. I had a amazing weekend. So I got to work the Ryman once again. That's the third time I've been there. I did Vince Vaughn's Nashville comedy festival in 2014. Then I did it again in 2016. I taped my last special there, walk your way out. And then I got to do it one show Friday, one show Saturday. And they brought me a drum kit and shit to play on. And I was so sick I couldn't play. I felt bad and I had a splitting fucking headache. But the shows were really fun. And I actually, I always hit that Jack's barbecue next door. And then I went to the Woolworth. They got a wool war sale with a fucking lunch counter. Like where they had like back in the day during segregation where they're just like, only white people can sit here and get a grilled cheese sandwich. God made everybody in his image, but he made us closer to his image, and he loves us just a little bit better. And because of that, we get to sit at this shiny counter, and the rest of you unwhite, white, unwhite fucking people gotta go around the back. So I sat down. I got a fucking cheeseburger there, you know, taking pictures, just. I went into Woolworths like a white person going, oh, my God. I remember these things, you know, Used to be able to buy fucking a shirt and then get a cheeseburger. So I walked in, not realizing the historical magnitude of what I was walking into. I was just walking. You guys still sell shirts here? No, buddy, we don't. We don't. I walked right up to the fucking counter. I was taking pictures and shit. And everybody thought I was, like some fucking historian. And I wasn't. I was as excited. That had the same emotional, historical context to me as if I walked into a Jordan Marsh. Do they have Jordan Marshes anymore? Do you remember all those. All those defunct superstores? It's funny, they were evil when they came out because they put out the mom and pop businesses. And then eventually when you watch them get eaten, you know, you ended up feeling bad for them. Places like Mammoth Mart. You remember Mammoth Mart, had a big woolly mammoth child. World got destroyed by fucking Toys R Us, Leechmare. They lost out to the fucking Best Buys, Radio Shack. There's still a few of them left over, you know what I mean? They're like fucking old Nazis. There's still a couple of them running around, scurrying around South America, you know what I mean? Trying to get a fucking tan, fit in with the regulars, right? Some of the other ones that they used to have, I can't even remember anymore. So long ago, Filenes, Jordan Marsh. Then Macy's just came along, just fucked them all up. Just fucked them all up. Bloomingdale's beat the fuck out of everybody. And then you had all those, like, stores you just heard about, but, you know, like, Saks Fifth Avenue when I was a little kid, they might have been one in Boston, but I think if you wanted to go to Saks fifth Ave, you had to go to Fifth Avenue in New York City. And nobody really fucking knew. All of the. All of that. All of that designer shit that all the kids wear nowadays, like. And I was like, mobile, Alabama. And they had, like a fucking Louis Vuitton store. They never Used to have that shit, you know what I mean? They only had three series of the BMW. The three, the five and the seven. No, they also had the six. And you couldn't afford one of those. Go fuck yourself. They didn't make a fucking suv. I didn't think, I don't think they did. They didn't have a one series, a two series, a four series, you know, just fucking doing anything they can. That's like when Mercedes Benz dropped their. Not their quality, but they dropped it all the way down where you could buy the. Was it the 190E? The baby Benz they used to call it. Now sudden you're driving around a Mercedes Benz that cost the same amount of money as a Monte Carlo, right? And you were this Monte Carlo fucking T top pot dealing douche, you know, who would have looked right in his Oldsmobile Cutlass. But instead you're driving around this 190e like you're fucking sophisticated. Everybody saw right through you, you know, second he got out of the fucking car, right? All your personal belongings fall on the fucking ground, you know, some scale to weigh your product. I don't know what I'm talking about. But when I was a kid, all the cool older guys, the guys who were like 25, which to me was a man, you had a mustache, you had your own place, your chick was living with you and you could fuck her whenever you wanted, you know, My idea is a 14 year old dude, he lives with her, he can fuck her whenever he wants to. Not realize it. Not realizing like the fucking. That he was probably looking at me, envious of me going, look at that fucking orange headed hairless faced fucking loser over there, he's got it all ahead of him, doesn't have any credit card bills, doesn't have some broad living with him, bitch moaning and complaining about where he leaves his fucking neon green fucking sunglasses anyways. But when I was looking at them, they were the coolest people ever. And there was the Buick Regal, the Monte Carlo and the Oldsmobile Cutlass and they were these two door coupes and if you got the T top, you know, I love, I love the guy that went down to the, on whatever, the whatever auto parts store that the autozones ate all up. You go down there and I remember people would get their, they put curb finders on them, they cut T tops at them, they get the glass tinted, the fucking headlights tinted, all this cheesy shit. They'd get a custom license plate on the front. Said like Mikey, you know, and then you were the fucking. Man. If you actually had a CD player in it, I remember that was the big thing. Like, you got it. Like it was an external thing. I remember this guy I knew, he had a fucking Volkswagen Scirocco, which was. I swear to God, that was the name of the car. And he had this fucking CD player, and it was like. It was like an external hard drive. Like, you had to plug this cord in that then plugged into the CD that was mounted on the armrest between the two bucket seats. And if you even hiccuped in the car, the CD skipped, but it was still fucking insane. And then, of course, you had to have your radar detector for the fucking stadies, dude. And all of that is gone, you know? And back then, if you got a cold, you put a little Vicks vapor rub on your fucking chest, and that was it. Now what do they got, huh? Jesus Christ. I mean, if they could fucking. They can hold off the HIV virus now. You'd think that they could fucking, you know, do something about the cold. But you always pay a price. There's always a price to pay, you know, he's always pay. You know, the battered fucking wife of your organs is your fucking liver. Your liver always takes it, you know what I mean? You up in other areas and then you take your medicine, right? You're a scatterbrained lunatic. You can't get to sleep, so you take some Tylenol pm. And who pays for it, huh? Your fucking liver. How many times you gonna have your liver have to walk around with its eyes looking down at your fucking colon, you know, as the other fucking organs are going, what happened? I walked into the ribs. Is he making light of domestic violence? Yes, I am. I think that's the problem with this country. There needs to be more domestic violence. We actually live in an era that someone wouldn't even look at that even remotely as fucking absurd. And in an era where fucking. I can't say the word anymore, people on, like, the. The Internet will just take that clip and they try to get you in trouble, you know what I mean? Everybody's ratting everybody out. Like, you know, I really looked at that fucking Conor McGregor thing. What was that guy videotaping it for? And then he fucking puts it up on the fucking Internet and just gets this guy in all this fucking trouble. I'm not saying Conor McGregor was right, but, like, who's this fucking. Like, if I was there, I wouldn't videotape that shit. I would just be like, wow, glad I wasn't on that bus, right? You know, I mean, that guy's the reason everybody on that bus is making a zillion dollars anyways, isn't he? You can't every once in a while throw a fucking two wheeler at a goddamn bar? Me, if you're the fucking champ, you know, you don't get a little bit of leeway. All it takes is one fucking douche with his flip phone, and all of a sudden he's down there talking to the cops. I don't know what I'm talking about. Guess what today is, everybody? Oh, it's game seven for the Boston Bruins. Everybody's freaking out and all this shit. Oh, my God, we have three games to one. Who gives a fuck? All we got to do is win tonight. All you got to do is win tonight. No one remembers so many series that are three to one. Go to game seven. It happens all the time. I will say, though, as a Bruins fan, if I see and have to listen to one more commentator tell me that it was a stretch pass, you know, and Jesus Christ, that Anderson is playing so great for Toronto. I don't know why he does all that flopping around. You literally skate by the guy. Wind knocks him off his fucking feet. Just shameless. Shameless. But I like the fucking Maple Leafs, you know what I mean? Despite their timidly cocky fans on Twitter who said absolutely nothing. And now all of a sudden, you know, they're like meerkats, you know what I mean? When a fucking cobra comes around and they all sit there lunging at you and shit, talking all this shit as they back up, but they're not really gonna fight, and they're trying to appear bigger than they are. I got no beef with Toronto. You guys win tonight, congratulations. I can get past it. I don't give a fuck. Right? I know that we're a team of the future, and so are you guys. This would probably be the beginning of a great rivalry. That's what we need, God knows, because the Canadians are in the fucking shitter. I have this fucking guy that, like, I can't remember how the fuck I met him. I was doing, like, a gig a long time ago, and he drove us there, and somehow he got my phone number. And this fucking cunt. Every year during the playoffs. What's up with the brewers doing so good? One of those douches. So I finally. I just finally blocked his number. Like, I don't. I don't get this. It's like, I get it. You drove me to a couple of gigs. I gotta Listen to your horseshit every time we're doing bad. There's so many cunty sports fans like that. And after almost 20 years of owning a cell phone, I finally learned how to block people. I love it. Fucking love it. It's just like, you know, there's somebody I used to work with in this business. Fucking, I don't know what the fuck his deal was. He fucking started calling me and emailing me. You know, block over. You know what I mean? It's like you get to assassinate somebody without having to kill them and deal with the guilt, you know, I wonder if in the future when we're all just being watched by robots and every last thing you do is videotaped so you can't do anything wrong. I wonder if they'll have to switch the commandments just so they can get somebody in trouble because nobody can do anything anymore. So rather than thou shall not kill, the fifth commandment will be, thou shall not block somebody on your cell phone. You shall not assassinate them digitally. I'm sorry, did I just be. Did I just float out a perfect premise for the next Blade Runner? No, I didn't. I did not. However, there was that movie that came out where people had to take a test and if, you know, when the world was overpopulated. Those fucking cunts. Where the hell did you get that idea? God bless them, but you know what I mean. How about a tip of the cap? Anyways, sorry, people, I'm just in a fucking. I've just had a headache for so fucking. I did buy some bear aspirin. I did that. Celtics, everybody. How about those Boston Celtics? How about the hot of the Boston Celtics? And how about those fucking Milwaukee Bucks? This is the best they've been since back with like Sidney Moncrief, you know? And then they got that white dude from fucking the Seattle Sonics. What the fuck was his name? Jack Sickma. But I have to be honest with you, dude, the basketball is so fucking awful that I'm watching that. I even play in hoop. It looks like a fucking pickup game at an unbelievably high level. How many fucking times can you throw up a three with nobody underneath? I mean, I don't understand that new little semicircle there. I gotta read up on it. In the paint, is it illegal if you don't have the ball as an offensive player to get under the fucking rim? When's the last time you saw a center post up and put his hand in the air and do a couple up and unders, you know? A little Kevin McHale action, little Skyhook. It's all fucking gone. You just run down the court, a little pass and then the guy just takes a three pointer that didn't go in or somebody does some and one shit to try to get around a guy and draw a foul. It's fucking. It's horrible. I think about the entire second quarter, I don't think I saw one pick and roll, you know, There's a reason that they did that for fucking close to 80 years. It works. I don't know why everybody's trying to do this. Globetrotter. Having said that, I love where we're going in the future. I just don't like the future of the game. I guess people got too big. Is that what it was? I missed the banging down low in the paint, you know, and that fucking old school yard play where the guy's leaning against you and leaning and you stepped out behind him like you pulled his chair out, he falls down. Then they'd stand up and get in each other's grills. Then the little fucking ref came up to their dicks, was trying to push him apart. I miss all of that. I miss it, man. I miss the way you smell. I actually gotta be honest with you. I shut the game off because I was so fuck. Because I fucking hate NBA hoop. I just hate basketball. I just hate how no lead is safe. It's like you're up by 40, you go in the kitchen and then you make a sandwich and it's like the
- [62:26]
Bill Burr
other team on a 38, 2 run
- [62:30]
Guest/Caller
foul on the three pointer. This could tie it up. It's just like, can there ever be. Can you ever just have an easy win? I just felt myself getting ready to throw something at the fucking tv. And I got a kid now, so I can't. So I just shut it off. And I was just. Then I just watched the score throughout the fourth quarter and they won. And I was like, good. I'm more of a hockey guy, obviously. And having said that, you know, of course I have to edit some shit for Episode Family tonight, but I'll get to watch most of the game. It's only a game seven. You know, I'm very excited for this. You gotta love a game seven. Even if your team was up 3:1, who gives a fuck? Gotta love a game seven. And here's the deal is, if we lose to Toronto, that's my team for the rest of the playoffs because they haven't won since 67. And I think it's a high time that they get. And it'd be cool to see Winnipeg get their first one. So Those are my two teams. Those are my 1Z. 2Z. All right, so there you go. There's your fucking Bruins. There's your NBA and NHL. Hey, fever. Fucking talk for the goddamn week. Oh, you know what I forgot to fucking mention. I started to mention it. Well, maybe I'll mention it after I do a little. I got one read for this week. All right. But. Oh, do do. All right, so I've teased it twice. Let me see. Liverpool football schedule. When do they play next? I was on the plane and I actually watched Livelihood Liverpool verse fucking Roma. And it was a. It was a blowout. It was an awesome game. Liverpool went up 5 to nothing. Saturday, 4:30am I don't. I. I just. I just don't get how this works. They're playing Roma. Isn't that like Rome? That's the Champions league semifinal leg. Two of two aggregate. Two to five. Yeah, they won five to two. So they're going to play again on May 2nd. Is that because they scored five goals and Roma scored two? What's the coincidence of that? I just don't understand it. Because they were up 5 to nothing and then all of a sudden Roma scored a goal. And then they scored another one on a penalty kick. And then they were saying. And the announcers were going nuts. I'm like, what are they. There's like fucking two minutes left. Why are they flipping out like they're going to lose this game? I think they're in some sort of tournament that happens at the same time that the Premiership is being played. It's weird. Like that's the Champions League. And I think Liverpool, Chelsea, that's the Premier League, Premier League, right? They do it at the same somebody, for the love of God, somebody over there in Great Britain somewhere around the world. Explain to me what's going on. Because I actually really enjoyed the game. Dude, this guy. Holy. This Egyptian dude who kind of. He looks like an Egyptian. Judd Apatow. Mo Salah. This guy put on a goddamn clinic. First of all, he used to play for Roma. So he scores a goal, then he does his big dramatic. I'm not gonna celebrate. You know, which was more annoying than if he just celebrated because then he scored again. The first one was like a fight. It was like. A lot of. It's like hockey. He went fucking top shelf corner on the far side, I believe, with his left foot. And then a few minutes later, whenever he comes back down again and he just in that one, that. The first one was a fucking blast. And the next one is nice, soft touch right up and over the fucking guy. The goalkeeper, I believe, for his second goal. Once again, he starts praying, getting on his knees and fucking kissing the ground and doing all this shit. Like he's not gonna have a threesome after the fucking game, you know what I mean? Like he's gonna go fucking rescue a cat out of a tree. So I. Dude, take your junk out and shake it in the other team's face. You know you want to. And then he set up, he had two assists, whatever they call them, helpers. Two fucking crumpets. I don't know what the fuck they call a guy had like four points if he was playing hockey. Two goals, two assists. It was incredible. Then there was this other poor bastard. I think he finally scored a goal. He had a breakaway. He fucked that up. Then he was in hockey, what would be called the slot, and he just fucking miskicked it, blasted it over the fucking net. I think he spent more time on his fucking Mohawk than he did on his fucking learning how to shoot the ball into the goddamn net. But there was seven goals. It was like the kind of fucking soccer game that a Yank could enjoy, but I was stuck on a plane and we had a ridiculous headwind. And I was like, I'm gonna sit here and watch this fucking thing. And I totally got into it. By the way, Liverpool's fucking coach, his dentist should be fucking disbarred. He should have his license fucking revoked, you know, I'm sure it was the coach's idea, but if you're gonna fucking go tannin, you don't get your fake teeth whitened to that level. Jesus Christ. He looked like the plant in Little Shop of Horace, except he had glasses on. So anyways, I was really into it, so I guess they're gonna. Why is there so much time between games, though? Oh, no, the next one's April 28th. That's it. I'm gonna watch. Fuck, I'm gonna support Liverpool. I like the Beatles. Who gives a fuck, right? Like I got time for this shit. There's no way to watch it. Not all of a sudden want to have a fucking beer, though, I will tell you that. You know, And I've been fucking Billy. No fun Billy. No vice. Other than four hits of weed one night, which I immediately regretted because all it does is make me sleepy. And I'm trying to become one with the world. I don't get munchies. I just fall asleep like a Cat on a fucking windowsill. I don't give a fuck where I am. I'm going to sleep, you know. Anyways, let's get on with the questions here. I still haven't watched that MotoGP. I know that Mark. Mark has won it. And there was a big anticipation that him and Valentino Rossi were gonna be fucking donkey kicking each other in about fucking 200 kilometers. But he just fucking blew by everybody by the second turn. I don't know. I gotta watch it though. I fucking love that sport, though. Okay, emails for the week. I might have to do a little short podcast here, everybody. My fucking voice is bucking the shit out of me. All right, Belgium. Hey, Bill, would you consider to come back to Belgium in 2019? Please keep us posted. Absolutely I would. I was only there for like 24 hours and I loved it. I was an ant twerp, I believe. Excuse me. Gross. Disgusting. Sorry. It has to be done. It has to be done. You gotta blow it out. I should have do a kid show sketch about having a cold. You know, you just have some Muppet that's always fucking sick. And then the kids can't fucking say, touch the thing cuz it's sick. And then you make the Muppet act all sad because it's lonely. And then when the kids come over because they feel bad for it, you chastise the hell out of them for giving into the weak emotion of love. And you set them up for the real world Fish starter pack. You know what? I downloaded one of their CDs. Their harmonies are amazing. The music, it doesn't quite grab me. They're incredible. Fucking musician, but they just, they. There's. I don't know, there's something. I'm gonna keep listening. All right? You're talking about a fucking band that sold out Madison square garden like 18 in a row or something. So it's. It's got to be me on some level, you know what I mean? I look at Fish the way I look at Beyonce, like, it's got to be me, right? I have to be the person. That's when somebody fills up the Rose bowl, you know what I mean? The second they say they're going to be there and you're like, yeah, I don't get it. And then at some point, it's you. It is you, right? I don't know. Dearest Billy breathes breaths I always say when I appreciate. While I appreciated the last Fish suggest, Fish suggested of starting with Rift. It's a very specific album. Pretty ballsy of that guy to start you with rift. It's as if he wants to make it hard on you. Okay, I like this guy. I like the other guy, too. They thought I was smart. I like this guy because he knows I'm stupid. All right? Yeah. Make it easy, man.
- [71:53]
Bill Burr
Give me the answers.
- [71:56]
Guest/Caller
You should download Hoist. Is that how you say that? And as the last guy suggested, a live one that'll give you something fun to work with again. I love riffs, but I also want you to have a fair shot. Also, Story of Ghost is funky. And Billy. Billy Breaths is fun, too. Or is it Billy breathes? I'm so dumb. And not to sound cliche, but have you seen Dead and Company yet? It's a really fun show and definitely worth checking out, man. Yeah, those hippie shows, there's just such a vibe of insincerity at them that I can't handle. From the crowd where everybody's just trying to, like. I don't know, you know, like when you see a mom and she's talking to her kid in public and talking really loudly, some cute conversation, and looking at you smiling, it's like. Will you shut the fuck up? Will you bring the volume down? I get it. Kids are cute. It's not my kid. You know, I don't care that the kid just counted to five. No, no, Bitsy, you have to sit there. You need to put this on here first, okay? And then they look at you and smile as they do the play by play of the kid putting a fucking marshmallow in its mouth. I feel like when you go to one of those hippie things, people are doing that, but they're kind of doing it, you know, to show, like, how everybody's. You know. This is, like, how society should be, man. Oh, and the. The body odor. I don't mean, like. I mean the cologne that they wear. Whatever. The. It is just the. The. The. The douche gumbo. That's what I can't handle. When I'm there, it's always hot, you know? And everybody's wearing a sundress. It's just. I don't know. I'm too much of a curmudgeon. Why? I think we bombed Syria. Oh, good for you. Help me out here. Oh, Bill. Bald bag. I believe we blew their chemical weapon plants up because they gassed little kids. Okay, just a guess of what I read. I think you overly simplified it. I think some kids also died. But if we're going to start doing that. Buddy, if we're going to start bombing People because they gas people or bomb people and killed little kids. If everybody who does that is a piece of shit, I don't know how. Well, we come out in the wash there, pal. Just a guess from what I've read. But you're not allowed to say that, because if you do, that means you're in isis. You're not allowed to criticize anything and be like, what the fuck are we doing? But I do understand your fear of debt, love the cast, and your work. As unimportant as it may seem, we couldn't live without laughing. Peace. Okay, man, you got your sundress on there? Yeah. Okay. I understand that. Syria. Okay. What they did was horrifically wrong. But, you know, shouldn't we have a lot more of our ducks in a row before we start policing the fucking world is all I'm saying. You know what I mean? If we're gonna fucking bomb those guys because they gas little kids, that sounds good, but, you know, at what point were they gonna fucking shoot some missiles at the people who poisoned our food supply? That food supply that we're now trying to sell around the world. And people like, you're not bringing that shit in our country. Do you know they're saying that about our food? Like France and India. France is like, all right, but you're gonna have to say what's in it. And we're like, no, we're not. We are. There's no way we're gonna say what's in our food. How fucked up is that? And I gotta try to navigate those waters with my kid, you know? And there's no explanation to it. There's no. Well, listen, man, if you want to somehow make 300 people not starve to death, you got to cut some corners, then. I understand it. But there's. There's nothing. They're not saying anything. They're like, shut the fuck up and. And eat it. You know? I don't know. The key in this world to making it is you got to make so much money. You can donate to politicians, campaigns, and then they just fucking leave you alone. And you can do whatever you want, like poison the food supply of a country, which, if I'm not mistaken, is a terrorist act, when you then become an evildoer. Dude, I'm fat. This is all shit. You're not allowed to. If you. You can say it about anybody else, but if you actually fucking have constructive criticism about your own team, you're immediately a conspiracy theorist or you're a socialist. You know, I don't understand I don't know when the that happened, but it's brilliant pr, so evidently I'm a communist right now. Oh, Billy. He's got a red beard. I mean, it's all right there. Probably jerks off to Stalin's fucking headshot every morning. How dare he want healthy food for everyone in his country. Hey, Bill. No fun. Hey, Billy. No fun. Love the podcast. I'm a fat guy. Totally agreeing with you. Fat people blame everyone around them, but I'm one that knows that I shouldn't be shoving cheeseburgers down my gullet. Yeah, dude, and that's the power choice right there. If you start blaming everybody else, then all this other shit outside he has to change is, you keep fucking chowing this shit. Now, granted, I don't have a psychology degree or even know anything about nutrition as I trash what's in our food supply, you know? You know, Kenny Rogers was the gambler. I'm the hypocrite. Anyone. Anyway, my question is, do you think it's worse to know that you. You are ruining your life and eating like a fat fuck or pretending like it's a thyroid problem or some excuse. Anyways, please come to the Bay Area. I am. I'm doing a whole week of shows in May up in San Francisco or Reno because I missed you on the last one. All right. Do you think it's worse to know that you're ruining your life and eating like a fat fuck or pretending like it's a thyroid problem? I think if you pretend like it's a thyroid problem is a good way to go. If you're abs. If you had no power in this situation, like a lot of the shit that I allude to, you know, like our food supply, like, I'm powerless against that. So it's something I will joke about. And then I quickly don't think about it because I don't know what to do. You know, you go down to a farmer's market and those cunts have infiltrated down there, too. And you start asking the fucking hippie down there, hey, stop. So this is, blah, blah, blah, where did this come from? And they start getting all fucking shifty themselves. And then all of a sudden, you feel like you're an invasion of the body snatchers, you know, so. But I think the fact that you're addressing that, you're the one shoving the cheeseburgers down your gullet. I have found that. You know, the longest time, I didn't think food was a drug. I totally believe it now. And Dean Del Rey put Me on this, I guess it's a gluten free diet and I'm on this and I barely have to work out, you know, and quinoa is like this fucking. The food that I eat on this diet. Afterwards I don't feel like, ugh, I gotta take a nap. I feel like energized. Even though I feel like shit right now. But I don't know. And I was taking a multivitamin. Somebody shit all over that doesn't have enough of this, enough of that. You need to take this. It's just like, oh, God. All right, all right. So I think it's, it's. Well, look, if you're not going to do anything about being a fat, it's going to be more painful. If you're just going to continue to be a fat and not do anything about it, then I would lie. That's your thyroid problem. You know what I mean? You know, that's like if you put out something artistic and it doesn't do well and then you blame the left or the right or some shit like that. Like I've seen with some movies and other shit. You can do that if you want. It's not gonna help your next fucking project. The project of you Navy training in Australia. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's the last fucking place I would be in the goddamn Navy is Australia. Oh my God. What do you have to do to become a fucking Navy SEAL in Australia? You have to stab a great white shark to death after they cut you. They probably make you bleed before you get in the fucking water. All right. Hey, Bill, just watched at voice clip, I think that voice clip of you on YouTube about how you watched the Two Weeks in Hell thing. I was in the Australian Navy and it was similar. But you got shit for not keeping your own. I don't know what that means. Preface. This was before the media cared about all genders. We had Big Bertha, which on the second day of recruit school, we were kept up until 2am and were only allowed a breakfast bar the night before. They woke us up by smashing trash cans in each of our dorms right there. I'd be out, I'd be out. I'd be like, dude, fuck this. And I'd walk out. They'd be like, good, you're too weak. And I'd be like, you're right, I'm going to a holiday and I want to thank all of you for protecting me in my eight hours sleep. All right. Then we had to run downstairs and carry the rope called Big Bertha, which Was the equivalent. Oh my God. Of the old ship's anchor lines. And we ran for about 6 kilometers, 3.7 miles. What the. Until we were allowed to have food. After that, anyone that couldn't continue, we were partnered up with and had to carry them. And Big Bertha shaming the people that couldn't continue. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. Dude, were they up on the rope weeping? Did they literally get broken that bad? And we went. When, when we eventually got back to base, we were allowed breakfast and then had to go on with the eight hour drills and fulfill our duty watches. Wow, dude, that is some psychological breakdown right there. Holy shit. The most fucked up thing about all of this. Hey wait. Dude, did you make it through all of this? Oh my God. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be me? Has your girlfriend ever said that to you? When you're thinking about that Big Bertha March was this. Okay, this was in 0203. And the Australian Defence Force, our military, God forbid we seem aggressive. Oh, you say. Defense Force had instituted a policy where females could only be treated or ordered for so many hours a day. So handing AVs dash, gas, helicopter fuel. So handling okay, helicopter fuel was only be performed by men because it caused impotence in women, but also men. But females could hold positions on the. Yeah, but they can also make a baby and they know anybody will them. So your dick and your balls are expendable at that point. That's simple math. But females could hold positions on the the Hilo refuel team. Well that doesn't make sense. But when it came to actually handling fuel, they get volunteer males to do it. After dealing with shit like being blamed because my ship couldn't get any new workers from land because the ship was a fucking grinder. And being in charge of people when I haven't even been promoted, I decided to just start drinking so much I got kicked off and it was my best decision ever. This is like a great movie. Spent my last year of my contract at a base in a rich part of Sydney, Australia, surfing in the morning and banging a few of the new female sailors that all over 21 he puts in parentheses that had never been to sea. My proudest moment was when I was awarded the humanitarian aid medal because I build hospitals in Sumatra. After the 05 tsunami, I spent days helping and building. And the people of Sumatra were some of the most thankful and kindest people I ever met. What a fucking great story that is. Oh my God. Can you imagine if you quit like how tired you'd have to be. How excruciatingly tired you have to be to climb up on that rope and be carried back 3.7 miles. I just have to go mentally with every step. This humiliation is one step closer to being over. What do you say when you get off? G', day, mate. Sorry about that. Yeah. Fucking. Oh, my God. I can't imagine what people said to you on the way back. Overrated. Underrated. All right, Overrated. New York and Los Angeles. I've lived in both cities for over four years each. I love them, but I've also lived on a creek in Virginia and a farm in Vermont. Unless you need to be in one of those cities, just don't go there. I agree with that wholeheartedly. You should visit them. Underrated. Wayne's World. I never heard you talk about this movie. You should definitely rewatch this next time you take a hit, man. All right, I'll check it out. I will definitely check it out. I had an overrated. Underrated. Okay, you know what? Overrated. These new fucking elevators where I got a fucking hit, like 20 goddamn buttons to let the elevator know that I'm going to floor four so it can fucking compartmentalize all the people there when I'm the only fuck person there, you know? And I got to take my key out and run it over this scanner. I like the old school ones. We just got in. You push the button first. Ten years I was on the road, that was. That was the way it was. And I never had that guy from no country, from Old Men blow out the lock on my door, you know? It was completely fine. I remember one time I stayed in a bed and breakfast in fucking Colorado with this dude from Germany. It was so fucking creepy because he was walking the halls at night and I was just sitting there and the hall light would be on, and I was looking at the light and I didn't have a lock. Did I think maybe I had a skeleton key. And I was just sitting there. Oh, wow. I just remember my luggage. I had this ugly ass green, like, made out of cloth. Bag cloth and plastic that this guy puked on one time. Oh, my God. Remember that? Jesus Christ. I've been through a lot of shit, people. All right, let's tell the German one first. So I'm fucking. We'll tell the puke one. No, you got to close with the puke. I've already told that story, and it's so fucking gross. I've been puked on twice in my life. Once on My head, you know, everybody in my family had gotten sick and we had this bathroom. It was a half a bathroom with no door. You were around the corner. No privacy whatsoever. We lived in a duplex. Squirrels got into the walls. I had to scare them out. And then my dad would kill him. You know, this is 70s, 80s, you know, shit like that happened. So there was no place to. You couldn't. I couldn't make a Facebook video and shame my landlord, you know, or my dad couldn't do that, you know, so you just. He had to kill the fuckers. I remember I had a broom and I was fucking shaking it, trying to get the thing to come out. And my dad was on the other side. He had this giant fucking butcher knife or a metal bar or something, I can't remember. And it was a metal bar. That's what it was. Like a big piece of lead or something. And he flushed that thing out. And that fucking thing came running up the broom, up the broom handle. I remember its eyes were wide as shit, its tail was straight up. In the end, it's a little brown cutie pie. Fucking ran up my arm and launched off of my shoulder. I went. And then it ran into the half a bathroom. And there was one way in and only one way out. My dad was in the way and he fucking brought that lead thing down right on the back of its neck and just slowly killed the thing. And I watched him do it. So anyways, one time we were all sick and I was in there finishing puking in the bathroom with no door. My brother came running in and just ran. And rather than puking in the sink that was readily available, you know, we were young, so it was just like you puking the toilet. And my head was obstructing the toilet. And it was like how low pressure goes to high pressure. It takes the most direct route, which is right through the airfoil. And that's how you get lift when you fly. He used those same principles when puking into the toilet. My head was the airfoil and I fucking puked on my head. And I just freaked out. And I was punching him as hard as I could in the stomach as he was continuing to puke. My parents came in. They were laughing their ass off at me. And the kitchen sink was there. And she just fucking dunked my head in there and fucking washed it. I was so gross. So gross. So then the second time I got puked on, I was trying to save money and I was taking a bus from Manhattan to LaGuardia Airport. We were almost at my terminal. I'd taken the subway up to Harlem and then took the bus over the bridge. And this dude just got up, looking all gray, and he fucking projectile vomited. And he hit this sweet old lady in front of me on her chest. And it was like the Kennedy assassination where the spray just went back, except it didn't go to the left. It went to the right where I was sitting. And it got on my foot, my sock and my lower pants, and all over my luggage. And then he just stumbled off the bus. And I was like, you motherfucker. And I wanted to beat the shit out of him, but I was broke and I needed the money and I had to go to my gig. I just glared at him. That's all I could do. And then I had to go in there, got off the bus, and now people look at me like I'm an animal because I smelt like fucking puke. And I went into the bathroom, like, beyond Tourette's. Took the sock off, shoe off, fucking. But I only had one pair of footwear, so I threw out the sock. It's disgusting. Had to wash off my pant leg the best I could. My sneaker was soaking wet. I had one sock on, one sock off. Walking in a squishy wet sneaker and my fucking green cloth bag. I wiped off all of the puke, but it was, like, stained and it had, like, the little fucking paper towel balls on. Was so fucking gross. It was so fucking gross. And I then had to get on, like, a fucking flight to, like, Minnesota, just sitting there, smelling of stomach acid. And I. I got off the plane and I immediately went to a mall and I bought some sweatpants and the cheapest fucking sneakers and socks, and I just fucking threw the shit out. And I bought a bag, but I didn't have time to do that before I went to the. Oh, my God. It was a terrible trip. What a terrible trip that was. But, you know, it's not as bad as what happened on Southwest. Could have been worse, you know, that poor woman. Jesus Christ. You know, it's the second time I've heard of somebody getting sucked out like that. You read that story that that fucking mechanic put the new windshield in on the plane, and they used the wrong fucking screws. They weren't long enough. And they fucking fly in like, you know, they're cruising altitude, so they gotta be going 4, 500 miles an hour. And the fucking windshield flew off. And the captain got sucked out, but his legs got stuck on the yoke and he was outside the fucking plane, and they were trying to hold on to him. And the door to the cockpit got blown in, and the guy couldn't slow down because it was on the controls. They somehow, the stewardesses helped out, you know, when the air pressure, I guess, leveled off where they could move and not get sucked out. And they were trying to pull him in and they couldn't. One of the stewardess could see the guy outside the window looking at him. He wasn't blinking. And she goes, I think he's dead. We should let him go. Fortunately, they didn't. They ended up landing. It turned out the guy was in shock, Fucking nuts, just sitting there like catatonic. He got frostbite in one of his eyes. It was just. And this is what kills me is the fucking maniac was flying again in a couple of weeks. I think he still flies. I can't imagine. You know what? The thing is, is what they really should have in the back of the plane is you should also have those shoulder harnesses. You should have that, you know, where it goes across your lap and then over your shoulder. So then if you're sitting next to the fucking window, God forbid, if the fucking thing blows out, you're still fine. But that would be prohibitively expensive. So I guess what I'm saying is get the aisle seat. All right, everybody. Go Bruins and go Celtics and. I don't know, I'm gonna go take a hot shower and try to clear my goddamn sinuses. I'm gonna do another podcast tomorrow. I'll be all caught up. All right, go yourselves, you cunts, and I'll check in on you tomorrow. Yeah, thank you very much.