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Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning podcast for Monday, December 9, 2024. What's going on? How are you? How's it going, man? How was your weekend, man? I actually had a great weekend. I really did. Look at me sounding surprised. I actually had, you know, I had a weekend and I enjoyed it. God damn it. I didn't do much of anything. I took a drum lesson finally. I haven't taken a drum lesson in forever. I've sort of been revisiting some Alex Van Halen stuff that always confused me, and I'm still confused because he's a beast. But all of a sudden, you know, a lot more of it makes sense as far as I can understand it or whatever. So I played my drums there and I'm trying to have, like, Billy Chill days, which I don't know how to do, you know, I just fucking try to just sit down and do nothing during the course of a day. And what happens is then my demons catch up with me. So, you know, if you have somebody in your life and they just cannot fucking sit still and they're always moving around, you know, what do they used to call people like that? Oh, he's always fidgety, he's always fussing about, blah, blah. It's like, no, he had. He or she had a lot of fucked up shit that happened to him when they were a kid. Like, if there's somebody that you live with and they move about the house like a moth, a bat. Yeah, that means something. Look, well, I don't have any background in psychology, all right, Obviously. But, like, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that some happened to him and they're trying to avoid it. In other words, what I do must be what everybody else does. That's a classic human point of view, you know, like these idiots, you know, I just meet on the road who just like, wherever they're from, like, that's their worldview, which is understandable, but there's no other worldview under. Other than their worldview. That was a big thing when I was growing up, too. You know, when I grew up outside of Boston, I was like, this is how the world is. And anything that goes against that is either stupid, wrong, or gay, which has got to be the dumbest way you could ever go through life. And I did that for the first, like, I can't see. Well, the first 10 years of your life, all you do, all you're doing the first 10 years of your life, you're like, gathering information from people who think anything different is stupid. Whatever the. I just said stupid. Dumb or gay or whatever, whatever that they, they put all of that into your head. And then in your teen years, you start to apply it. And then in your twenties, you begin your journey as a up adult. And hopefully you start to turn the ship around in your 30s. If, you know, if you're, if you're, you know, open to it. If you're open to it. I don't know if you're open to new information. And maybe the way you look at the world isn't the way it should be. You know what's annoying me about this, this kid who killed this CEO, is none of these news programs are talking about the incredible lack of empathy from the general public about this because of how these insurance companies treat people when they are at their most vulnerable. After we've all given them our money every fucking month. And now we finally need you and all you do is deny. And then these pussies and all of these things are taking the pictures of their CEOs off their websites. You know, I gotta be honest with you, okay, I Love that. Fucking CEOs are fucking afraid right now. You should be. By and large, you're all a bunch of selfish, greedy, fucking pieces of shit. And a lot of you are mass murderers. You just don't pull the trigger. That's why it looks clean. That's why these people look. Oh, my God. Oh, he was just, you know, walking into a hotel. It's like, okay, well, what was his job? What did he do? What was the results of it? Did I tell you, like, out here in 2026, like, they're gonna not have a sell by date on food anymore. And they're trying to make it like they're trying to save regular people money. It's like, no, they're gonna let grocery stores sell food past the fucking sell by date because they, they weren't legally allowed to sell it. And then I don't. They probably have to eat that. They have to eat, you know, no pun intended. They. They have to eat the cost of that. So now they're going to pass it on to us. Okay? And that thing went through with Democrats and Republicans once again selling us all out. They don't give a fuck. Um, I saw this thing on the Internet that was allegedly. It was Al Capone that came up with the sell by date. I refuse to believe that that's true. I feel like that lives in the world of Fred Rogers. You remember Mr. Rogers? And then all of a sudden there was this rumor that he had sleeve tattoos and he was in Vietnam and he fucking killed a bunch of people. That rumor got out there. Maybe this one's true. I have no idea. All right. But you know, I will tell you that this country was way better when the Italians ran it, meaning the Mob. It was much better because they were. Because what they were doing was illegal. So they were just. Through the fact that it was illegal, they were sort of. I can never remember the. What's. What's the proper terminology in business? Not governed. They were regulated just by the simple fact that what they were doing wasn't legal. And then the problem was they got rid of the mob. And then all the corporations took all of the mob scams. Both the government and these corporations, they're running the same scams. Running the same scams. You know, the fucking. I've talked about this before. Like, they used to have the news to run the numbers which they stole from black people that became the lottery. Loan sharking, ridiculous interest rates is what banks are doing. And I always love people. Oh, well, you know. You know, what's the difference between a bank and a lung shark? What's the difference? And they're like, well, a bank doesn't have to break your legs. Yeah, because they have the law on their side. Make no mistake. If they didn't, they'd be breaking your fucking legs. They don't give a fuck. And then all of these corporations profiting off of fucking war. They're. They are murderers. The people that fucking poisoned our food supply and giving people cancer, Those are. They're fucking murderers. They're just not standing there with the gun, you know, shooting you into. In the back when you go into the grocery store. So it doesn't look that way. It's. It's fucking unreal. And I tell you, it's. It's really annoying how hard they're trying to find this kid that shot that guy. Okay? How much they're trying to solve that fucking crime where if it was just some regular fucking jerk off walking in there. I. Are they trying that hard? I know they're trying to solve it. I'm not shitting on the cops here, but I'm saying that the political pressure would not be there. I don't know. I guess one fucking healthcare person, you know, company, like, they didn't cover. They only covered anesthesia for a certain amount of time. Do you realize how fucking evil that is? Like, they sit in meetings and have that. And now they're like, no, no, we'll cover it for the whole. Oh, you going to cover the whole operation? Is that, Is that what it is? I don't have to wake up halfway through a fucking appendix removal appendectomy anyway. So I feel like if the motive is what they're saying, it was inevitable. There's only so long that you can go around doing that and treating people that way, in the evil way that they treat people before somebody's going to retaliate and get the right person or the wrong person. Because I don't know anything about that guy. I'm just saying. And it's amazing that that story, it isn't amazing. It's expected that it's not going into mainstream media. They're just treating it like, my God, it was a cold blooded murder and that's fucking it. And they're ignoring the general public's reaction to it. That's what I think is going on, even though I don't watch the news at all. You know, why don't you watch the news, Bill? I guess because I was disappointed so many times by it. I'm making a joke, but it's the truth. All right, guess what I did this week on the Anything Better podcast. I was just like, you know what? I'm just going to bet dumb shit because I don't recognize the game anymore. If I watch one more fucking game where some team is up by 25 points and all of a sudden it's Tyler Miller. I mean, how many times it's. It happens like every weekend. Every weekend that happens. I don't know if they changed the rule. I don't know if it's because they're. They're there. There's so much other to watch out there that they just have to make. This is the most incredible game since. Since the 1:00 game. Oh my God, is the Sunday game gonna be even crazier? I just. It's not how football was. Games were over in the third quarter. They were done and they were done and that was it. It wasn't. It wasn't like a Rocky fight every fucking weekend. So anyway, I was just like, you know what? I'm just gonna bet all dumb shit. I'm gonna bet everything. That doesn't fucking make sense. And guess what? Out of the four games I bet the Monday night game, I'm three and oh, three zero. I bet the Panthers, I didn't remember who they were playing. They're supposed to get the shit kicked out of them. I'm like, yeah, you know that one? That won't happen, right? That won't happen. They played the Eagles. I had the Panthers getting like fucking 12 and a half or something. I'm like, yeah, that's not gonna happen. Some reason the Panthers will probably even win this game. And they came damn close to doing it, but the guy dropped the ball. I didn't watch a second of it. I don't watch NFL anymore. I don't. Okay. It's just like. It's kind of like music. Music has passed me by, you know? I don't understand. I don't understand it. There's so many people out there with beautiful voices. Why am I listening to it? Like I'm getting serenaded by a robot. I hate that auto tune sound. I just. It drives me insane. And then just knowing that it's probably somebody who can't even sing, and then they're singing into this auto tune thing as if they can sing, like going on these. These runs or whatever. So I don't with that now. I took the Panthers and then I took the Rams because they're playing the Bills and the Bills should kick the out of them. Right? Three and a half point spread. Why is it so fucking low? Why? Because the Rams end up winning the fucking game. And then I took the Buccaneers. I don't remember who they were playing, but I just believe in Baker Mayfield. And, you know, when Colin Cowherd went after him and then he went on his show and he was still just sitting there completely unathletic, not getting picked in gym class, telling this pro athlete that he's a complete waste of a pick with his money or, you know, and then he's done all these great things that I've yet to see that guy be like, all right, I was wrong about this guy. This guy's a winner. I was like, fuck it. I'm gonna bet on Baker Mayfield. And they won and they covered. So tonight I don't even know who's playing, but it's the Dallas Cowboys that has my third cousin under center. They're not a redhead coach and they have a redheaded quarterback. Now, if you notice that they're sort of ginger friendly. I feel like they're allies over there. I don't even know if he's. I don't know if he's a redhead. Anyway, so I'm taking them. I forget who they're playing, but they're playing some team that's, you know, should kick the out of them. So that's my new. That's my new way of going, oh, by the way, I shouldn't say that people can't play anymore. That is bullshit. It's just sort of like what is happening in all facets of art is the people that are rising to the top are not the most talented people. It's the people that are best at the Internet. Because I'll tell you, I'll tell you, this old man Billy threw my wife. My wife likes watching those tiny desks on YouTube, the NPR channel. Hang on a second. Tiny desk. Sort of like the. I would say the liberal Austin City Limits. You know, where like Austin City Limits. I just assumed it was a conservative show because it was in Texas. I've never bought this, that Austin is liberal. I think they're liberal for Texas. So anyway, I'm probably going to mess up all of these names. So Nia goes, can we watch this tiny desk thing? And I was like, absolutely. Because, you know, the bands always play live and they. I've just watched enough of these and they have killer bands. So there was this artist who came on Dochi, I think is how you say the name. And she comes on with one of the best bands I've seen in years. Like everybody was destroying it. And she, the, she was like just this supernova of talent. Like one of these people that makes me question, like, how am I also in show business? You know, I'm sort of a one trick pony, right? I tell jokes, I act like an. I don't apologize and then I leave. You know, that's kind of. That's, that's, that's the, that's, that's the hallway of talent that I have. She goes out absolutely destroyed and then had a band that was playing at the level that she was performing at. And I've been trying to get the names of the people in the band because everyone was killing. All I got so far is the bass player because I hate how bands like, nobody knows the players anymore. And I've gone to these fucking concerts with my wife and it's like the star is out on the stage. Like, I went to go see Lady Gaga one time, which, by the way, that was the last concert my wife has ever gone with me because she didn't like my behavior at it. Let's. What happened was some of you who listen to this podcast remember this story. I was watching the Patriots during the day and they lost a playoff game. They got smoked by the Ravens. So I was like a six packet and a couple of whiskeys. It's back when O'Billy Boo's face, right? And then I was going to go see Lady Gaga, and I went down there, you know, she's great. She can sing great. Hold on. I'm not on or anything, but, like, I go there and, like, the. She has a live band, but they were like, in, like, this castle behind her. And, like, they basically put a house in front of the band. It was a castle, this facade, and there was like these little windows, so I could see sort of the drummer's head, and he was killing it, and I couldn't watch him play. Then she's out there riding on a horse and all of this, and she's going like, I don't give a. Do you give it? I don't give a. She kept saying that, right? And then she goes to her backup dancer, like, fucking so and so. Do you give a fuck? He's like, I don't give a fuck. And they just kept doing that. I understand. What do you mean, you don't give a fuck? I paid for a fucking ticket. You better give a fuck. Give me a goddamn show. Everybody but the horse was telling me that they didn't give a fuck on stage. And then I just couldn't take it anymore. And right as. And it was just bad timing, right as the crowd wasn't screaming and it got quiet, I went, jesus fucking Christ. So anyway, the rest of the concert happens, and then we go home the next morning. I can feel my wife, she's giving me the cold shoulder there. And I knew she heard what I said, so I said, I'm sorry. And she goes, yeah, all right, whatever. And I was like, come on. Yeah, I, I, I, I said, I said it once. She goes, you said it like six times. I didn't remember because I was drunk. So anyway, but that's been my thing. Like, I went to go see Madonna and she, you know, she's singing to track. She doesn't even have a band there, you know, I go, I, I just. Where is the band? So anyway, now there is a band. So I'm trying to track down the names because these players, like the trumpet player, the bass player, the drummer, everybody, the saxophone player, the backup singers, her hype woman, whatever the hell you're supposed to call them. The only name I track down was the bass player who was unfucking believable. I'm not going to say the name right. Zuri. Oh, here we go. AP L Y B Y All right, look that name up. Zuri. Z U R I and I'M not going to disrespect her by attempting to. To say her name this, because I don't. Because she played so amazing. It's like, apply by A, P, P, L, Y, B, y. It's only 25 minutes long. You know, there's so much out there. If you just want to see a bunch of artists performing at the highest level, I highly. I highly recommend that. And like I said, this isn't me. Like, my wife told me about it, all right? And I was just sitting there, and I was like, all right, I'll watch this. And I was immediately, within two seconds, I was like, oh, my God, this is a whole other level. And that's where it started. And it just kept going up. And it was probably the fastest 25 minutes I can remember in a long time. So I'm hoping that this woman is on tour and she's bringing that band. That's what I'm hoping. I'm hoping that that's what's happening, because I don't want to go to any more shows where I'm watching somebody and there's no band, you know, or they're in a house for whatever reason. I love that. Oh, yeah. I got. I'm thinking, like, this castle theme. It's like a castle theme. No, it isn't. It's. You're. You're putting a wall between the band and yourself. I know a guy did a big tour for this artist, and they played underneath the stage. All eyes must be on me all the time. Anyway, anyway, check that one out. It's the tiny desk. Check out that whole series. The tiny Death series, man. It's amazing. And what's funny is my stupid generation is always talking about how nobody can play instruments anymore. And the reality is there's a million, not a million. There's a whole bunch of people in this generation that are unbelievable players. You just have to find them, which is hard, because, like I said, there's, like. You know, there's being good at what you do, and then there's being good at the Internet. And, you know, the problem I think female artists have right now is there's so many who is walking around in their fucking underwear on Instagram, like, getting a zillion clicks. Like, how do you. How do you push? How do you get your shit, you know, in front of that? I don't know. All I know is I just picked three fucking games this week because I was so sick of trying to, like, predict what I thought was going to happen. I finally realized that whatever I thought was going to happen wasn't going to happen. And I am now into this total conspiracy theory that they have manipulated the game with the rules, the officiating, and got in bed with gambling. Now that, like most games now, are going to come down to the wireless on purpose, not because it's better for the game, it's because it's better for their wallets. Because you're going to watch until the end, you're not going to change the channel, and they're going to get money for all the advertising. All right? All right. So anyway, I. I had a great weekend here with the kiddos. I hung with my son, like, Saturday, I hang with my son, and then on Sunday I hang with my daughter. That's how I do the weekends, right? Whatever. The Daddy Daughter day. And then I hang with my son the previous day. So he just wakes up and told me that he wanted to go to the drum store. Because I was asking him, hey, you want to go out, you know, into the garage and go play drums? He goes, I want to go to the drum store. I said, all right, let's go. So I took him over to the best drum store in la. Professional drum shop on vine, just south of Willoughby. Oh, will it be? And I go in there and my son, he always has to play, like, all the drum kits that are on the floor. And what I absolutely love about my son, and I am, like, so proud of him, is he is not shy at all. Like, little Billy Burr would have been like, you know, you know, playing like, quietly and all that stuff. He doesn't give a. He goes in and just plays. And. And the only problem I have in that store is that once I get him in the store, I can't get him to leave. And then it becomes like a sad thing because he's leaving, right? And you know what's funny is, you know, Jerry and Stan, the brothers that own it, they're starting to get to know him. And I just love that. I just go, you know, one of these days he's going to be coming in there buying drumsticks or a cymbal or something like that, and they're going to be going, I remember when you were this high, you know, and they've been doing that forever. And that if you. If you ever come out to LA and you play drums, you have to go to that store. And you have to understand that everyone from Max Roach, John Bonham, Tony Williams. Oh, God, Steve Jordan, Vinnie Colliuda, all the guys, Steve Gad, all of these guys, since way back when they first came around, have been going to that shop and some of the bass drum heads that they have on the wall hanging up. It's, it's, it's unbelievable. It's like a working museum. And it's also, at the same time, totally up to date. And it's everything. That guitar center isn't like, it's personable. If you have, if you have, like, if your gear's messed up, they can repair it in the back. They have all these relations with all relationships with all these drum companies and everything. It's, you know, it's why, you know, I prefer to go to, you know, privately owned businesses because the service is just always better, always better. And, you know, that's a way to get back at these CEOs. You don't have to shoot them in the back as they go into a hotel to get a grand slam breakfast. You can just start going to mom and pop places and deal with a little more, you know, inconvenience, you know, I know you like going into the big box stores, but, you know, whatever. Why don't you try to do both? Start with that and just compare your experiences as you just sit there. You're like a orphan in a Best Buy, walking around trying to find somebody to help you, you know, or you walk into a mom and pop, hey, how are you? Can I help you? They're like right there for you. So anyway, so he's in the drum shop and I'm trying to get him out. You know, we're in there 40, 45 minutes and I'm like, all right, buddy. You know, Tony's like, no, I play. You know, and then he has to go over the hi hats and hit all the hi hats. And it's so hard for me to get him out of there. He has this ear to ear grin the entire time he's in there. He just thinks it's the greatest place on earth. But, you know, eventually, you know, comes. It's like, I gotta get him home. I gotta get him out of there for nap time. Or I'm just old and I'm tired of standing up, you know, So I had to bribe him to get him out of there. He was like, dada. I want play. I want play this. And I finally just look at him. I go, hey, buddy. I go, hey, buddy. I go, you want to get a donut? And then he looks immediately right over me and he goes, a donut. I almost burst it out laughing and I go like, yeah, you Want to get a donut? And he just goes, yeah, like, super enthusiastic, you know, like the same energy of will as Will Ferrell and Elf. Like Santa, you know, he like. And immediately, like, jumped off the stool. And then I just love him. He just says goodbye to everybody. He shakes hands with everybody. He's a little man, right? Yeah. And then we got in the car and we went to go get a donut. So drums and donuts. That's what works with my. With my son. Right. And then yesterday, with my daughter, I've discovered this new activity because I always, you know, take her to the playground and stuff. She likes that ninja climbing stuff and all of that, and she's really good at it. But she also likes going to the mall. And just when I was thinking, oh, God, I'm gonna buy more. We don't need. She's totally content to just look at stuff and not buy anything and then go. Go get something to eat, you know? So that's what we ended up doing. And like. Like sweat. It felt like nine times. She said to me, going, like, dad, this is really fun. This is really fun. Of course she likes the Apple Store, which kills me, but, you know, they just grew up with these goddamn computers, and they just. They just. They relate to them. So I was like, all right. You know, she went to the Apple Store twice. I don't know. Those people. Geniuses. So dumb. My cell phone's all fucking cracked. So I was asking, how long does it take you to change out a screen? And they go, what phone do you have? It's just like, dude, just generally speaking, before you go to the fucking iPad and try to find my retina or whatever the hell you have on that fucking thing, he goes about two hours. I go, great. I don't have that time today, but that's good to know. Thank you. And then I get the fuck out of there. So anyway, I had, like, two great days with that. I discovered all these great new musicians on that. That dochi. Tiny desk. You know, it's been a while since I've just. I've seen a band playing at that level. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. So I'm really hoping that I can see that band live. That would be incredible. But if I can't, that's all right. I can follow each musician and see when they're. When they're playing, so I can at least go see their, you know, the individual bands. All right, now where am I here? Oh, my God, 29 minutes in. Oh, Billy Babbleface. Here. Oh, so the Van Halen song I'm working on is that song I'm the One, which I always was, like, my favorite cut on that album because they played everything else to death. They Running with the Devil, Eruption, you really Got Me. And whatever that next song was, they always played that one. And I always think, like, I. Like I'm the One. Like, I think Eddie's playing on that is just crazy. And then Alex, that double bass triplet shuffle. And then he got the Diamond Dave Lounge Lidges breakdown for no reason. I just felt like that song, out of everything encapsulated, sort of like the recipe of that band and. And Michael Anthony's amazing bass playing and. And high harmonies on it. So anyway, I've been working on that, and I was leading with my left foot because it made sense to me to come down with the right foot. And then I went to my drum teacher, Dave Elitch, and he goes, you know what? For whatever fucking reason, it's easy for people to lead with the right and play the downbeat with the left. And we were trying to figure out why that is. And it's like, oh, that's because, you know, a lot of times you're tapping the downbeat with your left foot on the hi hat. Now it's just on the bass drum. And it's not weird to play an offbeat with your right foot, but it's way more weird to play the offbeat, the upbeat. The offbeat or whatever with your left foot, because you don't do that a lot with the hi hat, but with the bass drum, you know, that's all. You know, you do that all the time while you're tapping. 1, 2, 3, 4. 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 with your left foot. So that was kind of cool, but, like, I don't know, I'm kind of getting it up to speed. And it's exciting because I never thought I'd be able to even attempt that song. And then secondly, by learning that song, I don't have to deal with my demons. So it's all working for me. All right, with that, let's. Let's do some of the reads here for the week. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's simply safe, you know, if you ever. If you ever worry about the safety of your home and family, there's no better time to act. Hey, some CEOs ought to get this shit right. Now. Simplisafe is extending its massive Black Friday deal for my listeners. Get 50% off a new Simplisafe Security System Simplisafe is the home security I trust get 50% off today just by visiting simplisafe.com brrr. Sorry I got the hiccups here. 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Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account and use your Use the code Burr B U R R for 20 off your first purchase Terms apply again. Create an account and redeem code spell out Burr I already did. For 20 off download game time today. What time is it? All right. And with that. And we're back. Let's do. Oh, we got a controversy here. We got. We got some reads here. So anyway, somebody, you know, somehow I brought up John Cougar or John Mellencamp or John Cougar Mellencamp. I mean, tell me that guy shouldn't be investigated, going by all those aliases. You know, I think what it was is he was John Mellencamp. And then the label said, you should go by John Cougar. They were big on last names that were animals. You know, Eddie Horowitz became Eddie Rabbit. He wasn't Horowitz. I don't know what his last name was, but Eddie. It was Eddie Rabbit. It was John Cougar. You know, Freddy Pheasant. I don't know. There must be another one. You always have to have three, though, for people to believe. As long as you have three. You know, if you have three. If you have three examples, people believe you. Two. They're like, this guy's full of four. They're like, shut the up already. But three. Three is a magic number. Yes, it is. When you people. I'll give you the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. We believe about God. People like parrots. Just. Just. Just repeating the. On the third day, he rose again, right? He said, in the second day came, I get the out of here. He didn't come back in two days. On the fourth day, what the. Was he waiting for the third day? Oh, my God, I believe I can fly. So anyway, I was talking about that. That John Cougar. John Mellencamp. John Cougar Mellencamp song Jack and Diane. And he goes, sucking on chili dog outside the shady tree Take out my fucking dick. And then I start to pee, whatever the fuck he says, right? Jackie's gonna be. Oh, football. Does he gotta sing the whole song. It's a hit, even if you don't know the lyrics. So anyways, I was saying sucking on chili dog. I always thought that was a disgusting reference for, you know, him getting blown out there in the fields of Indiana. You know, one night in the field, there's corn there. The next night, there's a cross burning. And the next night, John Cougar Mellencamp, fucking pheasant face is getting his dick sucked. Like I thought. That's what I thought it meant. So somebody goes, no, Chili Dog was a. It's like a Slush Puppy. But that's what there was a. There was a chain of restaurants called Chili Dog. And I Guess that was what the drink was called. That's what somebody claimed last week. But this week somebody's saying, no, no, that is not what happened. Sucking on chili dog dash. Correction, Bill. Last week that guy was wrong about this. It's about chili dogs. At Tasty Freeze, Diane sits on Jack's lap eating a dog. Here's the video where she's eating it on John's lap. All right? I mean, I don't know, the whole. Can we just say that it's a fucking really weird lyric. You know, you eat a chili dog, you don't suck on it, right? And to use that as sort of a sexual innuendo, which I know he had to have been. When chili looks like shit. I mean, he's got to have some German blood in him. No? Is it a song about scat? I don't know. But I can tell you right now, it's Monday. I have a bunch of to do. And the last thing I need to do is spend my time trying to figure out what. What, what that lyric means. I have no idea. All right, you know what? It's art. It means. It means whatever you want it to mean. Do you know what I mean? I'm just looking for a reaction. All right? The price of a haircut in Boston, men versus women. All right, well, I can tell you right now there's a lot of things, I don't know how much they cost, and a haircut is one of them. Oh, my God, I have not had to pay for a haircut. Woo. I'm going on like a decade. It's like I bought an electric car and I have no idea how much gas costs. You know what's funny? Those fucking electric cars. I was so into those things. Yeah, fuck these other companies. It's all the same shit. You're just going into a new, different. A new kind of evil, a new kind of waste, a new shit that's bad for the environment. And now people are saying, like, you drive around electric cars like you're riding around in a fucking cell phone. And you know your cell phone, you keep it in your pocket. They're starting to do studies that can cause cancer of the balls. There you're sitting on that giant battery. I don't know. I'm telling you. Oh, Billy's having a sale on his vehicles. Everything must go. And I'm gonna drive. I'm gonna drive a analog car, gas combustion engine, five speed. Okay? I'm starting off, maybe looking at a BMW, but I'm not gonna buy a car Until I know, like, until I don't know, I, I, it really gets me excited. I haven't found one yet, but I'm gonna start with, with an older German car because I still remember I rented a BMW 3 Series in the 2000s, and it was one of the most fun cars I ever drove. I loved the size of it and it was, it was just an automatic and it was so much fun and it was tight as a drum. This is before they started, like, you know, trying to lease their cars out to college age kids and they weren't making them right. Like, there's a period in the, I think it was last decade where they weren't making them right. I guess they're making them right again. But they, they got a little American car in the 80s type of deal, which was, was really bad for the brand. Like, speaking of which, what about Jaguar with their new logo? Like, talk about like, like, in what world are we bringing all of that into buying a car? And like, you're a corporation. You give a, you, you, your, your ally is money. All right, so I don't give. Give a what your, oh, the leaves are brown and our sign is pink. You don't give a. All right, you give a fuck about fucking British racing green. Cash out of here. Trying to be fucking socially active with a new car label. All I hear is your cars aren't selling well, so now you gotta, like, brand yourself anyway. Where the fuck is, where the hell are all the goddamn. This always happens to me. I touch my phone and it goes back to the top. I touch my phone when I think about you all right, the price of a haircut in Boston. Men versus women. Dear Billy. Balderdash. I've heard that word before. Balderdash. Is that an insult? Is it, is it a character in a classic tale? I don't know. All right, I, A man recently instigated a fight against nine women about the cost of haircuts. Oh, really? I like this guy. That's great. Instinct. My wife, he says, had a bunch of female friends over and they were all talking about how expensive it is to get a haircut. We're all drinking wine. I'm being quiet. We live in Boston, usa, where things are very expensive. I sat there listening to them complaining about how much it costs to get a haircut. My wife said she paid $450 for her last haircut. My wife hair. My wife's hair is about halfway down her back, and it's blonde and beautiful. Her friends all agreed on the price and they have a variety of hair. Black women with different styles, white women with short hair, native women with long black hair down to their butt. While they all bemoan the cost of hair. I was doing mental math. I'm a regular white male with boring brown hair. Don't say that about yourself. You're a special white guy and your brown hair isn't boring. It's all how you wear it, honey. I get a haircut about every four weeks. A haircut in Boston, including a tip, cost anywhere between 40 and 65. So the average price is 52, 50. But let's round that down to $50. Sir, what you're doing right now is you're presenting a rational argument. Now this is going to make sense to all the men out there. This is going to make sense to them. And a lot of times, both men and women, when they're complaining, they just want to. Just want to get it out, okay? And everybody feels that whatever is happening to them, generally speaking, is the worst fucking thing happening and the most important thing right now. But what are you going to do? You're sitting there, six against one, and you're going to come at them with logic. Gee, you got into an argument with them anyways. 50 bucks, 52 weeks a year times a haircut every four weeks equals 13 haircuts a year. $50 per cut times 13 is 650 bucks. I'm a hairy Irish potato guy, so toss in a few times where I need to pay $10 to get my neck cleaned up for a wedding or an event. And even as a conservative estimate, I'm spending close to 700 a year on haircuts as a basic man, okay? So rather than just keeping that information to yourself and then calling one of your guy friends and laughing about it, which is what the an older guy does if they're mature. Because I'll be honest with you, I would do the same fucking thing. But there's a 20% chance now that I wouldn't. Where before it was 100%, I was all in boots on the ground, as they say in military. The military. I finally spoke up and made this point to all the women, and they all berated me. Oh, what a surprise. They said, there's no way I spend that much. I presented my math and explained it. Then they switched their argument. Oh, yeah, there you go. From you don't spend that much to we would get haircuts more frequently if they were affordable. I said, maybe if you went in and just got the ends cut a few Times a year. You wouldn't have to spend $450 to get a full cut color, champagne and all of that bullshit. They hated that. I sat back knowing that $700 is more than 450 while they all hollered about how expensive women's hair care. Oh dude, I love what you did. You fucking threw a rock at the hornet's nest and then just sat back in your beekeeper outfit and watched them all buzz around the room. That's entertainment where I come from. So I sat back knowing that $700 is more than 450 while they all hollered about how expensive women's hair care is and acted like men don't spend a dime on haircuts. Well, I would also say this. My wife doesn't just get her hair done once a year. She's going in there quite frequently. So I have no idea, I have no idea what she spends. But I know, depending on what hairstyle you have, you know, and then how you want to keep it or whatever, like they're not just going in once a year, all right? So you can't treat them all like they're Crystal Gale, like they're just fucking hair down to their ankles, just not getting it cut for years and years. I wonder what Crystal Gale has spent on haircuts over the years. You know what's funny? All the money she spent, she saved in not getting a haircut. She, she then spent in time washing her fucking hair. All right? Anyways, while they all hollered how expensive women haircut is and acted like men don't spend a dime on haircuts, my conclusion, oh, but black guys go to the fucking barber like once a week it seems. So it all, it all, you know, it all depends on where you are. That's actually a fascinating fucking argument, which could have been. You could have presented it in a more fun way. But what's more fun if you're just sitting there listening to six women bitching to throw logic in the middle of it just to piss them all off. That's also, there's a lot of fun to be having this to be had in this. My conclusion was that I spend more than women in Boston on haircuts. They don't believe me. They hate it. They think they're their victims getting swindled even though they spend less than me, a regular looking guy with blonde boring hair on haircuts. Well, I can also tell you this. There's a lot of men paying for those women's haircuts there's not a lot of women paying for. Like a guy goes to the barbershop. There's not some fucking. What are they? Not a sugar daddy, sugar mama paying for the fucking thing. I just want you to fly off about this because it's an example of women defying logic because they've already made up their minds about something. Well, sir, I would also say so of you because you're acting you by your math. A woman goes to the beauty salon once a year and that is not fucking true. I would think that they go in there every like three to four months, white women. And then I don't know. I don't know what black women do. I'm just basing it on my wife. My wife goes more than that. And I know. And it's a fucking. Not only that, it's a fucking all day event. But then if you want to sure up your argument, you then have to ask black guys how many times they go. You know, as far as my experience, black dudes go there on average once every 10 days, I would guess. Oh, you know what? Why do I need to guess? I have listeners. You know what, what the. Let's, let's open this up to everybody. All right, ladies, how many times? And don't be honest so we can get a good answer. Stop trying to win. I just want to know how often you go. I don't want to listen to you talking about how much it cost. Because how much it costs also depends on where you go. All right, you're getting your hair highlighted in Beverly Hills. So if you're getting it highlighted at the South Shore Plaza, that's the same procedure. It's two different prices. All right, so just tell me how often you go. White guys, how often you go. Once a month, once every six weeks. It all depends. Then there's other people, they buy those clippers with a guide and then they don't go at all. I don't know. That's interesting. But it's also interesting too if out of all those six women there, I would be willing to bet that one of them doesn't pay for their beauty visits. One of them, at least one of them has a man that is paying for their. If they're married 100 fucking percent, they're not paying for it. The guy's paying for it. All right? And you can call that sexist or you can call that the God's truth. I don't give a. I'm just saying my reality, I love when my wife goes to the Beauty salon. She comes home, she's happy, you know, and then I'm psyched to see her. She was gone for most of the day. Absent. Makes the heart grow fonder. And she comes in, she looks even more gorgeous than she did when she left. I don't give a. All right, Shitty sequel idea. Oh, yeah, here we go. This was the thing that I was talking about when I was. When I was on Thanksgiving. We were. We were joking about, like, doing sequels to movies that didn't need sequels and then just making them the worst fucking movie ever. So we came up with One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. We came up with Two Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. This time he's keeping the sink, all right? And the whole movie was about the Indian after he threw the sink through the window, you know, whatever happened to the sink? And it turns out the Indian is emotionally connected to the sink and he runs away with it like a football. And then Tommy Lee Jones, like in the Fugitive, is chasing him around the country, you know? I mean, who doesn't want to see that movie anyway? Shitty sequel idea. Hey, Billy Batts got stoned with some good old Puerto Rican premium ganja and got a plot for you. I present Do Fellas in Do Fellas, the wacky sequel to Goodfellas. Oh, my God, can you imagine doing that? Like Johnny Dangerously meets Goodfellas. An older, washed up noodles with ketchup eating Henry Hill watches in horror as his inept son Jimmy tries to rebuild the family's mob legacy despite having no skills. Wasn't this the Sammy the Bull story? Connections or common sense? Teaming up with his two equally clueless friends, Tony Two Left Feet and Vinny the Vegan. Vinny the Vegan is amazing. Oh, there's a question. Have you ever met a full blooded Italian that was ever a vegan? How could you walk away from the mastery that is Italian cooking? Jimmy embarks on a series of ridiculously low stakes crimes, from robbing porch packages to attempting a heist on a truck full of Black Friday toasters. Henry reluctantly steps in to help, only to make things worse. In a chaotic comedy of errors, the Hills must navigate their way out of the mess, proving that sometimes the only thing more dangerous than crime is sheer incompetence. He said, how about it? Complete shit, right? I'm gonna get the papers. Get the papers. Go fuck yourself, amigo. I love that. Oh, God. Shitty sequel idea. Schindler's Wrist, A sequel to Schindler's List about a man's struggle with carpal Tunnel syndrome after writing a list. Oh, my God, that's better than any of the I came up with, dude. I have this theory that regular people are becoming funnier than comedians. The comments section on Instagram is second to none. It's. It's funnier than the Dave Letterman top 10 list. And that was professional writers back in the day. All right, letting go. Hey, old Billy Green shirt writing from Canberra, the unknown capital of Australia, probably even said it wrong. Need some advice? That's the capital of Australia. I would have guessed Sydney or Melbourne. Need some advice? All is well in my life, but one thing that kills me on a daily basis is not letting things go. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's brutal. Oh, yeah. I'm sitting here roasting bacon, boiling. It's like a sauna. Without going into details, I just struggle to forget old arguments or how I've acted in certain situations. I find myself reliving these arguments or situations to the point where these people are in my dreams. It kills me. How do you let go from your past? As always, go yourself, get some hobbies, brother. Learn how to play some Van Halen on drums. You'll be preoccupied. No, how do you let go of things in your past? I would talk to somebody about. I think the thing you want to do first is to figure out why you're still holding onto that stuff. Like, basically where that comes from. Because a lot of things, like, you got to let go of it. Just breathe in, breathe out, write it down on a piece of paper, and then you just crumple it up and throw it into the waste basket. And it's like, that doesn't work. It doesn't work. So the best thing you got going for yourself right now is that you are aware that you're doing this and you're aware that that's a problem. And that is a major step to solving any problem, believe it or not, because a lot of times you're in denial or whatever the problem is. It's so encompassing that you don't even know you have it. So I would. I would talk to a therapist, dude. If it's to the point that they're in your dreams, I would definitely go talk to a therapist. And, you know, and therapists are just like comedians. Like, not all of them are good. Prime example, the one you're listening to right now. So you got to make sure that you get the davitel of therapist as close, as closely as you can, right? So that stuff is. Is. That's a really important thing to do for Your quality of life, because that will affect the one life you have. And it also, you know, that can lead to, like, health problems and stuff, carrying stuff like that. I used to do that. I don't anymore. And I went to years of therapy and that type of stuff. But I, you know, I don't really carry a lot of. I will say, you know, the times I've had problems with people is, you know, I used to do that. You're dead to me. And I can tell you when you. When you do that, when you say somebody's dead to you, they're gonna live on in you. That's what happens with that. You're dead to me. That guy, he's dead to me. Her, she's dead to me. It's like, they're not. What you need to do is, you know what I find is if I run into them, I squash it and I just say, listen, man, I'm sorry this didn't work out or anything. And then you shake hands and it's over. And it really helps you, you know, so if you have all of these people that, you know, did something to you, and like, if you. If you're of that ilk, which I, you know, I kind of, you know, always have vibed with people from Australia because they have, you know, there's an anger down there. They deal with their problems physically a lot. You know, they get into fights and shit like that and that. Like, Massachusetts, like, Australia is very Massachusetts, you know, a bunch of hilarious people. A lot of them drinking too much and a lot of them solving their problems physically. And, you know, you know, there's a lot of trauma down there. I mean, you think that the kinds of people that they brought down there to settle, you know, all these people that were like, I guess, you know, from the prisons in England, they'd already gone through that, and then they came there and then there was already people there. And then, you know, the usual white guy happens with the genocide. You know, there's a lot of. A lot of stuff going on there. So you live in a country like that. Like, there's a. Usually a lot of repressive solutions to problems. So, you know, I find I learned this in, like, my 30s or if I ran into an ex girlfriend, I used to just, like, totally ghost him and not talk to him. And the energy that that took. And then afterward, you know, when they reacted to me not talking to them, then they would do something like I was being a dick, and then they would be cunty, and then it just it just got it going again. And then I would be walking down the street out of the bar, talking to myself. Do you think I give a? I don't give a. You know, I'd be saying that you think I give a. As I'm walking down the street, still talking to this person who's not even there. So I would make, like, an effort, even if you're not going to run into them, to just in your head, forgive them and, like, think about, like, all right, so they did this to me and empathize. Like, you know, I've done shit like that, or I've done something like that, or, you know, what they did to me or said to me really had nothing to do with me. It's the shit that they're going through. And then say a prayer for them. Like, I hope they get, you know, whatever it is that's going on in their life and blah. I know none of that makes sense. I'm not praying for that. And I'm telling you, you. You're gonna carry it forever. And then they end up having this grip on your life. And, you know what's amazing is none of them are thinking about you. They're moving on, you know, unless you had, like a real. Like a real thing. But a lot of times they don't even. Like, I remember those shows where they had these talk shows and these people would confront their high school bully, and it was just. I could see it was just so not satisfying for the person that got bullied, because they would go there, and the bully was just sitting there with this fucking look on his face. And they would say, and I was in class and you said this about me. And the bully would start laughing and just being like, oh, I said, I don't remember saying that. And then they're laughing like, oh, that's a good joke. And then they still don't realize that it hurt you or whatever. And it's like. Like the person that got bullied just walks around and carries it for fucking decades. And the bully doesn't even remember they even did it. Like, that's how much it didn't mean to him. Which ends up making the victim even matter. Like, how could you walk around doing shit like that? And it's just like, you're not going to get what you want from this person. It's a. It's an internal thing, which is a good thing for you because you can work all of this out by yourself. And I don't know. That's kind of like what I was able to do. And I'm actually proud to say, like, I still get into it with people, but I don't, like. I don't carry it, and I don't have, like, this, you know, Now I just look at it, like, going like, all right, that was probably half me. Or maybe the way I joke. This person doesn't joke that way. You know, that person's a mess. I'm a mess. It didn't work out. But God bless them, I hope everything that they want in life comes true. And I'm telling you, it's a light feeling, as opposed to being like, no, no, fuck that guy. I hope that guy, he can die a ass kids in that guy. Yeah. That you're the one who's gonna get ass cancer. And that's one of the funny things about life. All right. Okay. That's the podcast. I will check in on you on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves. And that's it. That's all I got.