← Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast
Monopolies, Fighting Animals, Distractions | Monday Morning Podcast 4-20-26
01:04:28
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:02]
A
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 20, 2020. 6, 6, 6, 6. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, Jesus. Jesus H. Christ. What a liver shot. That Bruins loss was yesterday. I have to tell you, I didn't flip out at all. I didn't scream. I didn't. I was sitting there with my kids and I was just, like, expressionless. I don't know what it was. I just kind of felt like when it was two to nothing with like 10 minutes to go, even before that, I had this sinking feeling. I thought it was going to happen in the second period, but I had this sinking feeling. I'm like, they're gonna tie this game up and we're gonna lose it in overtime. I don't know why. I don't know why I was thinking that, but in no way, shape or form did I think they were going to score four goals in the final 10 minutes. Yeah, I just. I was kind of thinking if we could just. With five minutes left, if it's still two to nothing, I think we can win this game. But I just. I knew if they get. If it became 2 to 1, I knew we were going to be on our heels, and then they were going to score and they were going to tie it up, but I did not think that they were going to win that in regulation. That took me back to when we thought we forced a Game 7 against the Blackhawks. And then they tied it up and then they won it, and then all of a sudden, they were skating around with the Stanley cup and you're like, wait, what the fuck just happened? Is it over? I do take a little. That fucking guy on the Sabers was like, well, you know, we weren't scared. This is what we do. All you're fucking. You weren't scared? Yeah, I saw the looks on your faces. You were freaking out. So was the crowd. It's Buffalo. You just. They. You. They all stopped waving their pom poms for, like, almost two full periods. We went up one nothing. The pom poms came down and it was quiet. It was like a funeral in there. And then all of a sudden, that guy had that little C backhand, the seven foot guy. And then they were like, oh my God, I think it could happen. Then you guys all came back. So let's, let's, let's not, let's not fucking. Okay, you won the fucking game. But don't, don't insult me by acting like there's anybody confident in Buffalo in a sports sense, okay? You had Rick James, that was a confident guy, but he was making, he was making music. There has never been anybody in the history of sports in Buffalo, New York that was ever confident that, that, that success was coming. Get the out of here. All right? And I'm speaking from experience because I grew up in Boston, outside of Boston, during the dark ages. We did have the Celtics, but even then, even then Len Bias dies and then that all of us, we still got three, though. Oh, God. What? What? What? The would have happened. Lakers definitely would have at least one less banner hanging from their rafters. Maybe Larry Bird wouldn't have to play so many minutes his back doesn't get up. Who knows? Who knows? Oh my God, dude, I saw this, the comments section sometimes on some of these videos, like the level of funny that the average person is now, I'm telling you, it's like, it's like on stand up comic level. So there was this guy, he was playing pick up basketball. He didn't have a shirt on. He was like rail thin, but not like high metabolism thin, like more like meth thin. And he had on these acid washed jeans and with basketball shorts peeking out of the bottom and basketball shoes on. He didn't take his pants off. And he was just out there schooling people, passing the ball and shooting it. And I can't remember all the nicknames. Just my favorite one was somebody called, somebody called him Kevin McInhale. I was just like, jesus Christ. I couldn't come up. I allegedly do this for a living. I do do it for a living, but Jesus Christ, that's brilliant. So whoever wrote that, thank you for that laugh. Anyway, so as much as Buffalo, I can't believe they had pom poms at a fucking hockey game. It's bad enough there's no fights anymore. There's no, Nobody really takes the body. They're just out there skating around. It's. But it is good though, you know, because I don't like talking that shit where, you know, everybody. Oh, it was better back in the old days and it's just like, all right, but why don't we put your brain out there on the ice and you take One of those hits as you follow through on a shot and Scott Stevens just comes by with a fucking chin high elbow, you know, remember those guy, you know, he plays right on the edge. That's the best thing a homer announcer would say about a fucking a guy out there headhunting, trying to end careers. But what, it was legal back then. It's like, yeah, it was legal back then, but most people out of respect wouldn't do it. You know what I mean? So it's like hooking up with the 16 year old in most states, but you know, that's like, you know, so what? It's legal. They apply that to sports. Same guys. Same guys. It's like, yeah, you know, it's legal, but you know, what are we doing here? What are we doing here anyway? I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I'm still. That was as surprising to me that we lost it in regulation as me not flipping out was. But whatever. Maybe I didn't flip out because I had an absolutely incredible, incredible weekend afi, the American Film Institute, which I didn't know what that stood for, made an ass out of myself on the red carpet was, was honoring Eddie Murphy. And they asked me to, you know, they, if I wanted to go to the event. I was like, absolutely. I mean, it's Eddie Murphy. And the day before the event they go, do you want to go up and say something? And I was like, in my head I'm like, no, I'm gonna be too nervous to do anything with Eddie watching. But I knew I was just, I just immediately said yes before I chickened out. And then for like the Next, you know, 24 hours, I'm like, you couldn't give me two days notice before this thing. But I kind of had an idea of what I wanted to say. And I don't know, I can't do the teleprompter thing because I just sound like a robot. So I just sort of, I had an idea of what I was going to say and I just went out there and winged it and sort of made fun of myself from the beginning. But I gotta tell you, my. It went great and I got off stage. You know, it's one of those things. I mean he was, it was him, all 10 of his kids in laws and everything. It was like the Kennedy compound. They were just fucking all there, right down the barrel. And yeah, it was fucking nerve wracking. But once the second I got out there, I was fine. I was fine and it, and, but it Was one of those things too, where you get off stage and you can't remember what you said. And so what I always do is I always ask Nia. I was like, how was that? How was that? And she goes, it was perfect. It was perfect. And oh, my God, fucking. The level of relief. And then the next day she showed me. She took the video of it and they had behind you. It was weird. It was like you and a video of you. And then they were cutting to Eddie and they cut to it at one point and I was making them laugh and. And I borderline got emotional. Like, that's what. How big a deal that guy is. So I know the. The thing is going to be airing, I think the end of May, but it's one of the coolest things I've ever got to do. And the level of comedian, musician and all of that that was, going up on that stage, to be asked to be a part of that was, I know, probably the biggest honor I've gotten as far as being a comic and all of that type of stuff. So thank you to everybody involved with that. And I still, like, can't believe it happened. And it was such a high the next day when she showed me the video and that I almost had like a depression come down afterward. It was, you know, and then that. The after party afterwards, I, you know, I hung out with a couple of comics that I totally love and respect. And we were all just saying the same thing of just how like, it was. It was a amazing night. And Eddie went up in the end and he was so goddamn effortlessly funny, of course, as always. But then also was like. You could see he was really touched by the whole evening. And it was just. It was. It was unreal. It was unreal. So definitely check that out. And now today, something burst on my street, so my whole street is. Is cut off, so I can't get out of my driveway and. Which is awesome. This is like a adult snow day. So, you know, we. I woke up the next day after yesterday after the Eddie Murphy thing, and Mia and Nia did like a little like 36 hour, you know, staycation. Just stayed at like a hotel and we had breakfast out on this little balcony and we ended up. She goes, all right, Leno, right? Right before we get home, can we stop at this. This little place, you know, this little bookstore that also sold records. And I was like, all right, come on. Because I've been trying to find. Not trying to find. I mean, it exists, but I've been trying to get The Beastie Boys, Paul's Boutique on vinyl. Because I got my hi Fi stereo set up out here, man, in my, my office out here. And ended up buying that. What the. I get like, listen to this. That I got, I got, I got the Beastie Boys, Paul's Boutique. Then ironically enough, one of the, one of the Beastie Boys samples. I got that Root down album, Jimmy Smith Live. I got that one. I got the hiccups now. And then I found this other one. It's a double album. The Jimi Hendrix Experience live at the Los Angeles forum, April 26, 1969. And then what was the last thing I got? Oh, this is for me and Nia. I got Daryl hall and John Oates, rock and soul. Something I can't see. I still got the price tag on it, but it's got all the, all their, all their hits on it. And I got. We have a bunch of records but like it's Nia's collection and mine and they're all kind of mixed together so I gotta alphabetize them or do something. But I don't know, the older I get like this, the more like I just want to go back to doing that I used to do before the world got so up. I don't know about you guys. Do you feel like you're just trying to make your life really like small? It's like a, a stress response to the level of just outta control corporate greed. Um, how about Live Nation finally getting called a monopoly? Jesus Christ. Well, there you go. I think the, the smoking gun for that was the emails within the office of them openly laughing at how bad they were fucking their own customers. If that isn't a statement of a monopoly, I don't know because like I was saying, like back in the day, you know, when capitalism was regulated, you know, they would break up monopolies so all you had was the quality of your product and how you treated your customers. So if you're fucking your customers and you're just sitting there openly discussing it and laughing and calling them stupid, that is a testament that you are a monopoly. Because it's like you don't where else you're going to go. We own all the venues, we own all the fuck. We fucking own everything. And just also the arrogance of that of them that hard because who gets blamed for it? Nobody knows their names, the person standing on stage. And then, you know, I would get all those emails going like, dude, what the this amount to part? Like they literally think that like we're involved in how much they you get paid for parking. It's like, dude, they're us too fucking 20 Ways to Sunday anyway. So I hope more of that happens in the future because this is not good. The combination of unregulated capitalism and the technology that exists that you now, once you get your foothold in a certain area of business, you close the door behind you. And nobody else can make money in that fucking area of business except for you. And you're going to get rid of everybody. And this is what I love too, this AI technology. How come they're just, they're using AI to replace the working man. You know, if you really want to cut costs, why don't you make an AI CEO? You know, that is empathetic, cares about the middle class, you know, worries about the future of the planet. Why don't you do that? Doesn't take a fucking nine figure bonus every Christmas because he fired 4,000 fucking people. That would be better for everybody, including the rich fucks. Because I don't think they're do. They're not doing the math. It's like if you lay off 4,000 people, they can't buy whatever product you're fucking making, you know, because they just do what it's fucking legal, you know. You don't want me to do it? Fucking make a law, say it, don't fucking do it. As they're bribing politicians to make new laws to say that they could do this up. All right, I'm off my stomp here. So anyway, I have a gig coming up where I'm gonna play a little bit of drums. So I have to learn, I have to learn some fun songs and then one like sort of diff. What was really difficult for me the last time I played. So it's a Zeppelin song, so. But I, I've been playing a lot and really freeing myself up. Like finally there's not me and the drums. Like I feel like we're becoming closer together, you know what I mean? Like, you just gotta be like, I don't know, any sort of like, however you're performing or whatever you're doing, you just got to be like, you want to be chill? Like, I'll tell you, you know, before I went out on that, that AFI thing, like I was freaking out and I was like, I just paid attention to my breathing. I was like, all right, diaphragm, diaphragm, breathe in the diaphragm. If you breathe from the diaphragm, it. Even though you know what you're about to do is Nerve wracking. Your body will be like, oh, there's no. There's no reason to get into fight or flight. If you're new to stand up comedy. Here's. Here's some information that you probably organically know. To be in the fight or flight mode and then to try to go out and make people laugh is not a good place to be in. So anyway, I've been. I just been, like, just forcing myself to make mistakes. I always made mistakes, but I was always trying not to. Now I'm just like, no, completely the bed on the drums. Just hear something and try to play it. You know, I'm not playing at a really fast tempo, but, like, just try and try to come out on one. And if you don't. Guess what? Who gives a. Who gives a. Chris, I didn't realize that, like, I was making all of these rules in my head. I can't. I can't. I can't do that. I. I don't. I don't know how to do that. And it's just like, well, yeah, nobody does, Bill. And then. Then they try and then they keep doing it, you know, unless you're a prodigy. I saw this thing the other day. I heard this Buddy Rich story, and they were trying to sell Buddy Rich on a new bass drum pedal and go, yeah, yeah, you get this new bass drum pedal. It's got all this technology, and it'll. It'll make you play even faster. And Buddy Rich coast. He goes, faster than who? That's amazing. That is some. That is just like, oh, that's right. I forgot. And we. I'm talking to Buddy Rich. I heard that story. Did I already tell you these stories? I heard two really good ones. I heard another one, and there was some trumpet player who won the. The downbeat trumpet player of the year award, you know, back when jazz was mainstream popular music. And it was literally like winning a Grammy or an Oscar. And I think it was Chet Baker. Was that who. I can't remember the guy. I'm not. I don't know enough about that type of music. But anyway, I think he won it. And of course, he's sitting there going like, jesus Christ, I want it. They didn't give it to Miles. Were they sick of giving it to Miles? So he ends up running into Miles and he goes, oh, man, I'm sorry. Like, he's literally apologizing for winning it. He goes, I almost wrote you a letter of apology when I. When I don't know why they gave it to me. And I, I almost wrote you that letter of apology. And Miles goes, you got about 15 other people you got to write letters to before you write one to. Oh, wait, I think I told you that. Did I tell you guys that I can't remember. I'm a, I'm a old man. I can't remember what the hell I told you anymore. And I'm also flying high off of that gig Saturday night. Thank God. Oh my God. You know what's funny was right before they asked me, I was so excited to go. I was just happy that they asked me and I said Nia was going like, you know, she's always checking on me, in on me, because, you know, in the past, when, before I fucking got on the other side of this shit, I was such a moody, depressed person at any moment that she was, you know, would sort of try to get the temperature of the water, she'd be like, how you feeling? How you feeling? I'm like, this is fucking great. This is great. This is like, you know, anytime I go to these events, I'm usually going on at some point, so I gotta like be in my head and thinking about what I'm gonna do and da, da, da, da, da. This is great. I can just go here and enjoy all of these brilliant people going up there talking about Eddie and then I'm going to say, yeah, I'm just, you know, happy to be an audience member. I was like super chill. And then like fucking. On our way over to the hotel, hey, guess what? You're going in. Ah, like backup goaltender. Billy. Okay, okay. What was that thing from, what was that great Canadian movie? Protect the short side? What the fuck was that one? Hey, you hosers. Those fucking beer drinking guys. Was it Rick Moranis? In the end he's playing. They're playing hockey against those robots. They just come down and they just skate right into him, slam into him, like just absolutely destroy him. And he gets up and he just like nonchalantly goes, hey. He was in the crease. I watched that movie a thousand times. What the fuck was it called? I don't know. Ah, what the fuck you gonna do? You know, you try and then it goes away anyway. Oh, everybody, next week, this time next week, I'll be in New York city for the 13th annual Patrice O' Neill Comedy Benefit. Tuesday, April 28th at the New York City Center Theater in New York City. We got an incredible lineup. We got Adam Ray, we got David Tell, we got Drew Dunn, another Boston guy, Jordan Jensen, Matt Richards, Zarna Garg, and me. Bill Burr. As always, the great Rich Foss will be our mc and we'll have some special guest drop ins. Tickets are on sale now and they can be purchased@patrice comedybenefit.live. oh, sorry. @patrice comedybenefit live. All right, everybody, it's time for the advertising here. Advertisements for this week. Look at who it is, everyone. It's him. Erectile dysfunction is way more common than most guys think. Millions of guys deal with it at some point. And that's exactly why HIMS offers a straightforward way to handle it. HIMSS connects you with licensed healthcare providers online, giving you simple access to legitimate erectile dysfunction options from home. No awkward appointments, Doc. My. My fucking dick doesn't work. No pharmacy lines. Just a complete. Just complete a simple online intake and a provider will review your information to determine if treatment is right for you. If prescribed, your treatment ships directly to your door in discreet packaging. And that includes. I don't know how to say this. Silden A Phil Sildenafil. S I L D E N A F I L Also known as generic for viagra. Available through hims at up to 95% less than brand name versions. People, do you really want to go 4 stripe adidas when it comes to your dick? Do you really want to do that? I mean, I think we can make some cuts somewhere else and just go full fucking Viagra. Give me the V, Jimmy V. Don't ever give up. Don't ever give up. That's what Viagra is. That's the Jimmy V speech for your dick. And if that option isn't right for you, there are additional treatment options available so you can find what works best for your body. It's straightforward, transparent and designed to make. To make getting care feel easy. To get simple online access to personalized affordable care for erectile dysfunction, hair loss, weight loss and more. Visit hims.com burr that's hims.com burr for your free online visit hims.com burr Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Sedanola Fill is a generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Beatrice Specialty, llc. HIMS Incorporated is not affiliated with or endorsed by Beatrice Specialty, llc. All right, look who it is, everybody. It's Helix. Helix. You know, there's nothing more important than a good night's sleep. Well, I mean, not having a false flag war I think would be a little more. You'd probably get a better night's sleep, right? A bad mattress can hinder your sleep, which can affect your mood and your longevity. It's time to upgrade your mattress, staying comfortable inside with your Helix mattress. A good nice Rhett sets you up for a great day. That's true. And I'll tell you right now, if your wife, your husband, your partner, your he, she or they, if they get a good fucking night's sleep, how great is your morning? How great is your morning? You go downstairs, you make them a cup of tea, you bring it up there, you give them a little kiss on the forehead. You're fucking cruising. That's like warming your car up instead of just starting it up and tearing down the street. You got to warm up the oil pan. Everybody with a nice Helix mattress. Helix Sleep quiz matches you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. Making buying a mattress easy, free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping. In the US The Happy with Helix guarantee rests easy with seamless returns and exchanges gross. The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress, 120 night sleep trial and limited time warranty. I mean, they let you sleep on that fucking thing? That is four months of sleeping, fucking jerking off, eating in bed. How many nights do you need before you. I mean, it's usually for me like one night, I'm like, God damn that mattress. I guess you got to break it in like a glove, huh? A study they ran found that 82% of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helex mattress. Go to helixsleep.com burr for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com brrrr for 20% off site wise. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Squarespace reminds me of MySpace. Remember MySpace? Remember when social media was new, you know, for adults? Anyways, I know you guys were on Friendster and other before that, but Squarespace, is that when MySpace became they pivoted? No, I don't think so. All right, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. You just fucking said that. Is that like optional? Whatever. I'm reading both. Oh, and it goes right back to the top. It went right back to the top. Now I have to scroll down. Awkward silence. All right. From consultations to events and experiences, showcase your offering with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and auto generated sitemap and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Check out squarespace.com burr b u r R for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code BRRR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain that squarespace.com brrrr for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code BRRRR to save 20% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Oh, the advertising just keeps coming. I want to fucking do this right here. I want to grow food inside my house. You know, I saw Martha Stewart talking about gardening for some reason the other day. I know she doesn't do it anymore. I know she has people to do it, but she was talking about starting a garden on your own back porch, growing your own herbs, you know, growing your own spices. I know you can grow up herbs. I'm really confused about how you grow a spice I know that's ground up something or other. By the way, I made crepes this morning for my kids. It was a disaster. I don't know if I need to put butter on that little French skillet thing or if it just wasn't hot enough or if I put too much on it wasn't thin enough. I think it was a little too thick. That's what she said. And I have to figure it out. But you know what? You know, this is what you do. You fail and fail and fail. And that is why I succeed. Michael Jordan. I'm going to be the Michael Jordan crepes. No, I'm not. Okay, Fast Growing Trees, everybody. Hey, man, did you know Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees, thousands of trees and plants, and over 2 million happy customers. They have all the. All the plants your yard or home needs, including fruit trees. Hi. Privacy trees. Get the fuck out of here. Flowering trees. Shrubs. Shrubs. That's just, you know, when can we stop foundation shaming our houses? That's what the fucking shrubs for. To cover up that. You know, like back in the day when guys would get the hair plugs where they made that smiley face slice across the back. All grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. Plus, get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape, choose the right plants and learn how to care for them every step of the way. You don't need a big yard or a lot of space people in the city. You can grow lemon, avocado, olive or fig trees indoors. Dude, you can start selling those out in the common area around the pool. Avocados. Come on, man. What are they charging down the fucking street? Along with a wide variety of houseplants all grown with care and hand selected to thrive in your home. Get all the plants you need without the messy car or the trip to the garden center right now. They have great deals on spring planting essentials. Up to half off on selected plants. And listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when using the code BRRRR at checkout. That's an additional 20% off. They wrote that all in capital letters so that they must be feeling really generous. Better plants and better growing@fast growingtrees.com using the code BRRRR at checkout fast growingtrees.com BRRRR now's the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together using BRRRR to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. All right, there we go. All right, Ship station, everybody. I will tell you, in my. In my 60s that are rapidly approaching, I wouldn't, I wouldn't mind having a nice garden that I putts around it, you know, chasing away rabbits. And, You know, the other day I was, I was, I was riding that Indian motorcycle. And I. I came around a turn. You know, I never, I never like when I go around a turn, I always anticipate that there's someone just stopped, you know, their car is right there. I never go around a blind turn fast and I go around this turn and this baby deer, what do you call it, a fawn, was slowly crossing the road. So I was able to slow down in time. And I also had my head on a swivel waiting for. Waiting for that fawn's mother to come in. Like Warren Sapp. Remember that time he hit that guy during that fucking interception. Keep your head on a swivel. I never, I never forgot. Never forget that Warren Sapp hit. I always like that. That was just like. To see that happen to a guy that big and see how fucked up that guy got after that hit. I just remember thinking like, okay, Always be looking at the other hand instead of being like, oh my God, is that Bambi? It's this. I mean, what is a. What is a full grown buck or a whatever you call a female deer? What are those things weigh? It's got to be somewhere between 4 and 600 pounds. 800 pounds. What is Warren SAP weigh? A deer is faster than war. It's like three Warren Saps running. A2, A2 flat 40 coming at me. Jesus Christ. I think that's part of the defense of deers, is that fawns are so adorable. You get enamored with them or they're so helpless. If you're like a bear or something that you don't see, you don't see the Warren sapphire coming spinning your fucking helmet around anyway. All right, I got one more read. All right. Oh, Ship station, everybody. Ship station. Not shit station. This isn't a truck stop ship station. You know, we used to ship all our merch ourselves before we found out about solutions like ship station, I guess is that this is. Oh no, we have. We have merch, we have podcast, tees and all in one e commerce tool to help you focus on what matters and let Ship station handle the shipping for you. Whatever you want to ship, wherever you go, however you want to ship it, whatever you do, Ship station can do it for up to 90% less. They don't say 90% less of what? Here's how that works. Ship Station rates, rate shops. Wait, here's how it works. Ship Station rate shops across the major carriers like UPS, USPS and FedEx to get you the best rates up to 90% off. If your company happens to already have negotiated rates with the carrier, you can keep those. Ship Station is end to end order fulfillment for your. I like how they just talk shit. If you already negotiated rates with those carriers that you can keep those. We don't give a shit. Where's shipstation? We know we have the best deal out there. Shipstation is end to end order fulfillment for your e commerce business, inventory management, shipping, returns and more. Do it all with Shipstation. Over 1 million businesses have trusted Shipstation. Try it for free for 60 days at shipstation.com code burr. That's shipstation.com code burr for 60 day free. 60 days free. Sorry. Shipstation.com burr. Oh, look who it is. It's OL Zip. Did you know that the average employer has to sort through roughly 250 resumes per job opening? But I imagine that's pretty tedious. Well, regardless of who makes it to the final round, one thing's for certain. It takes the most talented people to build these incredible teams. The same goes when you're hiring. If you want your business to be at the top of its game, you need the best people on your team. The place to find them. Zip it up. And right now you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com Burr Zip Zip ZipRecruiter. Smart matching technology immediately finds qualified candidates that check all your boxes. Want to see who's recently active? Zip recruiters? Filter can show you score the best for your team with zip four to five employees who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at ziprecruiter.com spur that's zip.com meet your match on ziprecruiter. No shipstation.com code burr. There we go. Sorry about that, everybody. Look, I do my best, you know. What did I just do? Clicking. I'm clicking. There's the screen I want. Okay. Oh, we got. We got the reads here for the week. Not the reads. We have the questions asked by you guys. And by the way, thank you for all you guys continuing to come out to my shows. I really do appreciate it. No bullshit. You know, it's a tough goddamn economy. There's a lot of shit out there to choose from. You know, everything from stand up comedy to people hammering nails into the end of their dicks. I mean, these people are. This is. This is all the competition out there. All right, I'm gonna lay down on the couch here for the rest of this podcast because God damn it, what do I care, huh? What do I care? I had a great weekend. All the stress is gone, all the worry. And as always, I worried, I worried, I worried. And then it went. Great, Great. All right. Attack by seagulls. Oh, my God. Now, are seagulls and pigeons really dirty birds? Are they really that dirty or is it just they're close enough for us to see how filthy all the birds are? I don't know. I will say, the other day I was sitting on my back porch, as I do, I'm in my back porch years. And the amount of birds singing in the trees, it was like I was in the beginning of a Disney movie with Snow White skipping down the trail about without, you know, no bear, mace, nothing. She doesn't have to worry about anything. She's a princess, right? That was like the level that these birds were singing. And then all of a sudden they just stopped. And I looked up in the air and there was these two hawks just circling around And I was like, oh, I see what happened. Dad's home. Dad is home. All right. Attacked by seagulls. Hey, Billy. Orange Taint. Very specific. All right. Greetings from Dublin, Ireland. You know, a few weeks ago, a few weeks ago on your podcast you were talking about birds and your lack of trust of them. I am 26 and have been attacked by seagulls 9 times in my life. Well, you must live on the water, huh? Stop eating your corned beef sandwich outside. Why don't you go inside, you silly cunt? Is that one what you guys call each other over there? I'm not going to bore you with each beating, but I'll give you the story of my first avian altercation. Jesus Christ, dude, you should watch that movie, that Alfred Hitchcock movie, the Birds. The first time I was 8 years old. Jesus Christ, that must have been traumatic. I was eight. You know what, you might have just been old enough. If that happened at 6, that would have altered who you married. But 8, 8 is when you're starting to get a little protective lining outside of yourself. The first time I was 8, during. I don't know how to say this, sus beg. S u s B E A G Irish for lunchtime, I was strutting around the playground with a mighty ham and cheese sandwich in my hand when suddenly a massive seagull swooped all in capitals down and tried to take the fucking thing out of my hands. I then began to battle this winged demon. There you go. I love eight year old you. You didn't just quit. Went out of the corner of my eye, two teachers blissfully ignored me and walked straight past. Well, I mean, that's the Irish way or the Scottish way. I remember one time seeing this Scottish comic on stage in Scotland. I couldn't understand a word he was saying and everybody was dying laughing. And then me and Nia were laughing because we couldn't understand him. And the only thing I understood was he tagged a joke with, you know, what do you say he toughen up your weak hunt? So that's probably what they were thinking. So they walked straight past. Even at eight years of age, I knew the fight was pointless. Was I really going to continue to eat this sandwich if I won? Yeah, but could you have the satisfaction of looking at that bird as you threw it out? The seagull got away with most of my lunch. I fell to my arse. And just like that, my battle against the gull species began. Oh yeah, dude, I go yourself, Ginger Obolix. Hey, you know, that's. That's a great beginning to a movie. Like one of those revenge karate movies. Like, at some point I have to think that a seagull grabbing your sandwich. You know, I feel like the move is you pull this sandwich in close to you as your other hand comes in and smashes that thing right in its face. It's sort of like a right hook, depending on what hand you carry your sandwich in. But like, at that point, I. I think you get. You give it three quick ones and then you break its neck, and then you pick it up by its feet and then you shake it over your head. So all the other birds, I don't. You know, seagulls don't rattle. They don't give a. They just think, good, one less ham and cheese sandwich for me. Those things try to eat other birds and they, like, swallow them whole. Pelicans do that. It's. I don't know, man. Nature is. I don't know. I swear to God. Forget about what human beings do to each other, what predators do to prey, and. And then you go to church on Sunday and they talk about a loving God and that there's a hell after this. If you're an. It's like, it's. It gets worse than this. Like, worse than what I see on the news, worse than what I see out there. The inequality, the greed, false flag. It gets. It gets worse than this. That. That's what you're telling me. I watched this. This is a horrific story. I saw this thing one time where this baboon. Not even that. I think, like a spider monkey. It wasn't even like a. A big, bigger monkey would go up there. These. These little. It's weird. Even at full size, they look like the size of like a baby deer. I mean, like a giant chihuahua. So when they. They get like, big enough, they have like these horns and these monkeys come down and they try to take their babies. And what they do is when they take the baby, they break the. Their back legs so they can't run away. And then they eat them alive from the back end and they do it from the back. So they want. For whatever reason, it tastes better to them if the thing is still alive when they eat it. It was. I had to shut it off. It was one of the most horrific thing. Like, like, God really did a good job with. With cats as far as, like lions, tigers, mountain lions. And what I love about those predators is they. They choke you out. And if you talk to, like any of these professional fighters in the ufc, they say out of Any. If they're going to lose a fight, they would like to be, you know, choked out or like, submitted. You don't want to get knocked out, obviously, for the long term effects on your life in your career. And it's just like that. That's what lines do. They just. They take you back, they fucking put you to sleep. Like, I mean, this is a up thing, but if you watch that video of Sig Free and Roy, that fucking tiger grabs Roy by the neck and he just goes limp. That's it. Done out over. And if there weren't people there, he would have had a nice quick death. But of course, humans intervened and then he had a fucking lay in a hospital bed. I don't know that he ever Grant regained conscious. I mean, obviously it was fucking horrific. But that was way better than, you know, if Siegfried and Roy, if their fucking act was to have a, you know, make bears, you know, ride bicycles, and somehow one of them decided to jump off that fucking Apollo 3 speed and ripped off his muzzle like, and get mauled to death. We all said that Leonardo DiCaprio movie, right? Or Grizzly Man, Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Anyway, so I think to move. I think what you should do to heal your inner child, my Irish friend, is I think that you should be walking around with a ham and cheese sandwich maybe in the same fucking area and like, like entrapment. I mean, this wouldn't hold up in court, but let one of those birds come down and then I just think you give me all right there, Fred. You let him get a good fucking hold on it. Maybe don't punch it. I think you just go in and you just grab that right by its neck. Right by its neck. And then you do the old to and fro, right? Fucking body slam to this side. Body slam to. That's like you're waving the checkered flag at the end of a race. You that bird up, then you chop its head off, you take the feathers off, you throw it on the grill. I don't even think PETA gives a fuck about seagulls. All right, Super Size Me guy. Hey, old Billy Sideburn tits. I don't even know what that even means. When you mentioned Super Size Me and how Trump eats exactly like that guy and still hasn't kicked the bucket. In your most recent episode, I had to write in because I recently found out the guy from Supersize Me was actually an alcoholic who admitted to never being sober for more than a week in 30 years. The doctor in the movie looks at his horrible health results at the end of the movie and said any alcohol abuse? And he totally denies he's been binge drinking and up his liver since he was 13. Oh wow. The best part is I can guarantee you Trump doesn't know about that. Which means he's been eating all of that processed horse meat on a bun all these years, not caring that he's going to end up like the guy in the movie. Yeah, but if he's not drinking, dude, he's the president. He's got like fucking 20 doctors, the best guys in the world keeping him alive. But to be fair, I don't think you could supersize old Donnie Trumpel Stiltskin any more than he already is. The guy looked like half an inflated beach ball got rolled around in turmeric and blasted with a leaf blower. Yeah, I heard he's not looking too good these days. I, I, I don't watch any of that nonsense. I don't watch any of that nonsense. It's all nonsense. That speaker of the House, she is worth $100 million. She's as big a criminal as Donald Trump is. She just doesn't have the opportunities that he does. They're all pieces of shit. And if you're picking a team, I don't know if that makes you feel better. Yeah, do do that anyway. But yeah, it might not have been the McDonald's that killed him. Might have been the liver giving up after a 30 year alcohol onslaught. I, you know what, I, I would agree with that. I remember Bill Maher said one time he talked about at, you know, every man at some point has to stop drinking or you're going to end up looking like Ted Kennedy. That's what he said. And it's the truth. Like nothing as far as, I mean obviously meth and that, harder drugs. But like as far as like, you know, the sort of legal drugs that they're allowed you to do nothing you up like and ages you like alcohol. You know, taking a couple of hits off a joint as opposed to, you know, having a couple of stiff ones at the end of the night. Jesus Christ. Bloats your face and all. Like none of it's good. We all know that none of it is good. But you know, how else do you combat the news? Anyway, that's all good points. It's weird. Then they'll go like, oh, having one drink a day is actually fucking good for you. Yeah, dude, that's how it starts. One drink and then it's just like, I can polish off that bottle in three nights. Dumb viral story. Hey, Bill, you remember months ago that couple got caught cheating on their spouses when the Jumbotron cam caught them at a Coldplay concert? Dumb story. I didn't give a about it. Hey, I. None of that was any of my business. I hated hearing people's takes on it. It's just a distraction. Yeah, and also the amount of people that were also around that were judging them, it's insane. And also then you found out that they were actually both separated. It was just. They were getting out of the way because it was bad for the company. I don't know what the story was, but I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about anybody's personal life. That's your personal life. I, you know, whatever you do for a living, I don't give a shit about. Even if it affects my life. That's what I give a fuck about. It's like how I watch espn. Just tell me who won and lost the game. Break down the game. That's fine. I don't need. I don't need to see anybody's wife and kids and all of that shit. You know, a lot of people blame Patrick Mahomes, but that started with Kurt Warner. It started with him. Well, they just kept cutting to his wife in the crowd for whatever reason. Anyway, this person says it's just a distraction. Anyways, the story went on, but then the. That got caught, started doing. I like how you said you didn't care and then you're calling her a. The woman that got caught started doing interviews and is probably writing a book or something. Well, yeah, you. All of these trolls got her fired. She's got to go make some money. In these interviews she mentioned that Chris Martin didn't even check in on her once. Wow. Now I'm not bringing this up to dive into this story some more. It kind of seems like you're involved in the story, sir or ma'. Am. Okay. Hey, lady. I watched a kid get dragged out of rubble because bombs I'm forced to pay for, but I'm not allowed to complain about for optical reasons. Okay, so what you're saying is there's another false flag war out there. Yeah. Okay. I really don't want to hear anything about how anybody feels about anything about another 10 years of living in an open therapy session while the techno authoritarians take over every part of our life. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Yeah, I mean, I think your overall point was the amount of attention that that couple at the Coldplay Concert takes versus these fucking nerds who are saying clean air, fresh water and soil should be privatized and owned by these corporations. I mean, dude, that is the most insane fucking thing that could come out of somebody's mouth. And cnn, Fox News. Nothing, Nothing, nothing. What do they go after? Two people fucking around at a Coldplay concert. Comedians tweeting something or doing a comedy festival. This or somebody hoarding hand. An individual hoarding hand sanitizer. And at the beginning of COVID got absolutely fucking dragged and shamed as all these big corporations were price gouging on masks. The fact that the, the, the, they turned our food supply into poison. The Foreigner super company. Those people are like, you get them sick and we'll fucking air, quote, treat them. They just turn a blind eye to all of that type. It's all. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. But I think, you know, I have been seeing out there. There's another, another few people got plotted, got arrested for plotting to try and kill some of these people at the top. And it's like, it's funny. Then the news sits there and they report it. Like, that is horrific. And that these people plotting to assassinate these CEOs is horrific. Right. But they don't sit there and they go like, why, why are they plotting that? They don't look into what CEOs are doing. Because I can tell you that if I was doing their fucking job and doing what they're doing to everybody, like it's only a matter of time before some lunatics going to come for you. They have to fucking know that. They got to know that. And then also, if you're just selling widgets and you need that level of security, you should probably be looking at the ramifications of your widget making and what it's doing to people that you now become a person of interest to Lunatics. They're lunatics now. But in the future, if the level of greed, this level of fucking greed, this is what, what that, that whole fucking draft is about. That all of a sudden everybody's going to have to serve in the future. Yeah. Because what the armies is not big. It's not big enough for their level of greed and the shit that they want to do. And they are. When we are literally in the process of making the exact same mistake that Germany made where they were fighting a war on two different fronts and they attacked too many fucking people. And then what eventually happens is, is the world gangs up on you and kicks your ass. And that is the exact fucking thing that's going to happen to us if these fucking cunts at the top don't slow their roll, as the kids say? And who's going to pay for it? The regular person? Unless we are so crushingly defeated that all of these people, the upper 1%. And you know what? They're not going to face the, the music. They're going to commit suicide. They're going to in their fucking. Their home theaters or whatever instead of a bunker, all right? Air, water, soil. Dear Billy Bonkers, the Tesla guy. They'll probably shoot him down in his fucking rocket. Longtime Canadian fan living in the UK here. I wanted to address something that came up on April 13th podcast about that quote from the World Economic Forum in Davos. The listener who sent it in probably meant no harm, but the way the quote was framed to you was misleading. Oh Jesus. As I just went off on it, let me start by saying fuck every single tech billionaire and all the circle jerking aspiring Silicon Valley wannabes who look up to them. They are a cancer and a plague on our lives, our livelihood and humanity as a whole. As you once put it, they should all be buried under the prison. However, the statement that air, water and soil should be assets on a balance sheet is not malicious when you look at the theme and context of what the speaker was saying and who she is. It was said by Lindsay Hooper, CEO of the University of Cambridge Institute for Sustainability Leadership here in the uk. Okay, can I just tell you something? In my country, the nicer the thing is named, the more toxic it is. Holistic, natural, for the people. That all means that you are going to get cancer from it. So this is a wonderful name. Institute for Sustainable Leadership. That all sounds great, but I'm a little jaded. And what I have learned, unfortunately, that in business, and everybody has a side deal, everybody cuts the side deal. You know who does that? The most? Leaders. They talk out of one side of their mouth that they're going to hold these corporations, you know, or whatever, like leaders of unions in my business have notoriously had side deals with studio executives and been patting their pockets as on one side as simultaneously. They're given speeches to working actors that they're going to look out for. Okay, so anyways, let me hear what they're saying that they're doing. Her whole thing is holding businesses across all sectors accountable for the shit they do to the environment and getting funding for sustainably focused education programs. For Cambridge and beyond, the full point she was making was about assigning a monetary value to air, water and soil. Why would you do that. Why would you make those commodities like that? That's a good thing. So that the damage companies do to their environment can be quantified and put on their balance sheet as a liability. It has nothing to do with the private privatization of the profiting from those resources. Well, it sounds to me what she's doing is placating that they are going to be privatized and that what corporations plan on doing is putting the responsibility on the regular person and not on them. That's what they're trying to do. So I guess what they're. They're rolling with that. And now we're going to police these guys. This feels like it's going to have be like Greenpeace anyway. It has nothing to do with privatizing or profiting from these resources and everything to do with highlighting they're finite and that we need a tangible way to hold larger corporations accountable for the near irreversible damage they're doing to the planet. No, it is irreversible. We've already gone past. Might sound pedantic. I'd have to look that word up. But you've always seemed to care about the environment. And as someone who works in sustainable energy and food security in emerging markets, I thought it was important to correct the narrative on this because this isn't the first time I've heard that clip thrown out around out of context. That is not to say everything is peachy or that the WF Davos summit isn't mostly an excuse for Mark Kuckerberg and his troop of tiny dick Revenge of the Nerds type assholes to hawk their latest privacy invading AI solution to the highest bidder. Yeah, that's the other side of the coin. But if there was one positive thing said at that conference that came from this lady. And the clip bouncing around the Internet is way out of context. Yeah, it's probably because everybody else at that thing said really evil shit. So then if she's the only one there with a good heart, they're trying to make her be the bad guy. Like the people in Ireland where they were talking about the farmers, how they're trying to demonize them as they privatize farming. Anyway, I hope to catch a show of yours one day. Go yourself. Yeah, well, she was probably the one good voice at that summit. Anyway. Anyway, I don't know. When I look what little I know about history, when shit gets out of control at this out of control, the only way it gets righted is by force. And there's many different ways that force comes about, but usually it's violence and it's wars and a lot of people suffer. These people are just completely out of their minds. They are just addicted to money and they are just serving money and not people. And they are justifying all of it in their. It's like no different than watching an addict who just can't stop using. These people just can't stop acquiring things and buying. They can't have enough power, they can't have enough money and they can't make enough people suffer. And then simultaneously they have an ability to just justify all of it in their head by saying, if I don't do it, someone else would. This is how business is done. They have no conscience whatsoever. And I don't want to get stereotypical here. It's, it's. They're pretty empty. Like if you guys watch that documentary on the Rupert Murdoch's, it is just like you're looking at people that have more money than they could ever need and they are fucking miserable and they're all suing each other and they hate each other. Like, can you imagine being a father and when you grow up, in the end your job as a father ends with your kids hating you. They don't call you on your birthday and they try and sue you. I don't care how much money you have, your life, you're a failure, an abject failure. And now you have all those kids with all of those issues and all of that money are now going to go out into the fucking world and do God knows what to innocent people. Oh, Jesus. It's a quagmire. Anyway, well, now that you've corrected me on that, my apologies to her and, and whatever good fight she's fighting, I hope she wins it. But it's going to take a bunch of regular people like you and me to get behind her and I don't know, somehow sift through all of this bullshit and somehow, you know, keep your eye on the ball and stop letting us. Stop letting them divide us. There is no conservative and liberals. That's just fucking bins that they stuck us in. And then they throw one scrap of meat in between both of us and watch us fight us out as they eat the rest of the fucking. Ow. Jesus, Bill. We know, we know. All right, all right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. I'm excited to go to Atlantic City this weekend. I'm excited to go to New York. Gonna be checking out some Broadway plays there, you know, me and my lovely wife, and we're gonna be doing the Patrice o' Neill comedy benefit. One of my favorite things to do every year. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you later.