Ms. Pat | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-25

Summary

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Monday Morning Podcast – Ms. Pat | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-25

Date: November 20, 2025
Host: Bill Burr
Guest: Ms. Pat
Network: All Things Comedy

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Overview

This episode features comedian and television star Ms. Pat joining Bill Burr for a lively, hilarious, and honest discussion on career, authenticity, parenting, TV culture, real estate, and even online trolls. The first hour is an in-depth one-on-one with Ms. Pat covering her multiple shows, standup insights, and her journey from section 8 to property mogul, while the latter portion is classic Bill Burr solo style: sports rants, relationship advice, Illuminati conspiracies, and a roundtable NFL picks segment with Paul, Jake the Snake, and Andrew Thomas.

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Main Segments & Timestamps

• [00:32] Bill Burr & Ms. Pat – Candid Sit-Down
• [27:14] Ms. Pat’s Real Estate Hustle and DIY Chops
• [37:03] Social Media, Online Haters & Ms. Pat’s “Give It to God” Philosophy
• [43:10] Promoting Ms. Pat’s Shows and Standup Tour
• [56:52+] Bill Burr Solo: Sports, Parenting, Food Fads, Politics, NFL Picks

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1. Bill Burr & Ms. Pat: Authenticity, Comedy & The Grind

[00:32–27:14]

Highlights

Judge Show & Authenticity

• Bill introduces Ms. Pat as “one of the funniest and most authentic people I have met in this business” [00:35], noting her growing TV presence (BET, "Ms. Pat Settles It").
• Ms. Pat discusses holding court on her BET judge show:
  • She doesn't literally have "Hollywood jail" authority, but:
    Ms. Pat: "I do have the authority to say shut the hell up several times...people know what they're walking into." [01:37]
  • Her approach: people see her like an auntie or older family member, making guests less performative and more cooperative [02:08].
• Bill: “If somebody is just being who they are, then I can relax because I don't have to...do all the math.” [02:24]

The Life of a Comedian

• Both discuss the independence of stand-up versus the instability of TV/acting.
  • Ms. Pat: “Comedy is the one thing you own...we can literally go to a bar and sell five dollar tickets and make us some gas money.” [03:50]
  • Bill: “As a comedian, once you prove you're funny, you're funny. With an actor, it's...can you do this?” [04:15]
  • Stereotyping and typecasting in Hollywood:
    Ms. Pat: “Everybody think I can sing because I'm fat and I'm black. I'm horrible.” [06:15]

Comedy, TV Typecasting & Stereotypes

• A playful riff on typecasting: Bill’s repeated casting as cops/firefighters, Ms. Pat’s disinterest in being assumed as a singer because of her looks.
• On sitcoms and American TV nostalgia: Both reflect on which 90s shows “felt like them” (Bill didn’t watch "Friends"—“I couldn't relate to it” [12:37]; Ms. Pat didn’t grow up on "Martin").

Parenting, TV & Generational Differences

• Parenting in their 50s:
  • Bill's kids are 8 and 5; he’s “the reverse”—starting later [10:26]. His kids have old-school TV tastes, like watching "Kojak" [10:50].
  • Ms. Pat: “You got some shelter babies. My kids watch any damn thing.” [10:41]
• Generational relationships with TV—Ms. Pat prefers nothing before late ‘90s, only watches “Golden Girls” marathons by accident [11:55].

Authenticity in Ms. Pat’s Sitcom

• Bill’s praise: “This woman is a star. I was so struck with how mean the stuff you were saying, simultaneously with the amount of love that was underneath it. I absolutely loved the show.” [16:38]
• Ms. Pat on mothering styles: “I'm an inner-city black mother...we say, 'sit the fuck down.' A white mom might be saying, 'no, we need a time out.'” [18:11]
• Family backgrounds are never as simple as TV tropes. Bill: “If you knew what the fuck was going on in my house...I wish my dad left!” [18:29]

Notable Quote:
"One thing I said...I can't let anybody change me. Cause I can only be Ms. Pat." — Ms. Pat [43:48]

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2. Ms. Pat, DIY & Real Estate Empire

[27:14–37:03]

Highlights

• Behind Ms. Pat’s success is a hustler’s work ethic and DIY spirit. She discusses building a real estate portfolio, starting “long before my career took off.”
  • Learned from HGTV: “AGTV gives you the energy to tear it apart...nobody tell you you got to know how to put that crap back together!” [29:08]
  • Her husband, a house framer, helps; between “that and YouTube, we made mistakes but kept going.” [29:16]
• Bill is in awe: “That’s fantastic. That's money that's just always going to come in. So you're never going to be broke.” [30:24]
  • Built her own 15,000 sq ft house on 7 acres with no general contractor. “I built them [her dogs] an 800 square foot house.” [33:14]
  • Tease: “You have built an 800 square foot house for your dogs?”
    Ms. Pat: “Yeah, they got air conditioning, cable and AC, a washing machine, a shower.” [33:34]

Memorable Moment:
"When you were saying how I couldn't relate to friends in their giant apartments...and you just told me you built an 800 square foot house for your dogs." — Bill Burr [33:27]

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3. Social Media, Trolls & Ms. Pat’s Response

[37:03–43:10]

• Ms. Pat’s strategy for dealing with online hate: “You say something to me online, I'm gonna talk back...Yeah, I'm fat but I make...your whole salary in one week.” [37:05]
• Sometimes, she’ll “tear their ass up for about an hour” searching their profiles for material, but says, “If I don't have time, I say it and give it to God.” [38:13]
• Bill warns: “There's crazy people out there.” [39:09]
• Ms. Pat on her safety: Highlights her large home security (three huge Cane Corsos, plus family) and her status as a convicted felon unable to own a gun, but surrounded by those who can [39:21].
  • Joke: “The day I get [the felonies] off, I'm just gonna be shooting in the air. Pow, pow, pow!” [39:37]

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4. Ms. Pat’s Criminal Past, Comedy Evolution, Career Shoutouts

[40:01–56:10]

• Ms. Pat shares details from her past—the difference between survival crime and malice:
  • “I was trying to survive—two kids at 15, eighth-grade education...I wasn't the dope dude that did the drive-bys. Now, I put the gas in the car for the drive by, but I didn’t personally go unless it was on my baby daddy." [40:22]
• Both comedians reminisce about Atlanta stadiums, sports, and road life [41:02].
• Bill calls Ms. Pat a “phenomenally talented artist” who deserves a shot at dramatic acting, not just comedy, because “you are so grounded and real.” [43:48]
  • Ms. Pat’s philosophy: “I can only be Ms. Pat.” [43:57]
• Ms. Pat reflects on how TV, beauty standards, and pop culture have changed:
  • "Nobody wanted to have a big butt. Now everybody want a big butt.” [46:49]
  • Bill: “The fake ass is the white people's conk.” [48:12]

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5. Sports Rants, NFL Picks & Roundtable Banter

[56:52–End]

Bill Burr Solo: Parenting & Sports Fandom

• Bill’s “old man” dad moments—watching sports, struggling with new parent sleep deprivation, and generational shifts in TV consumption [56:52–61:00].
• Riffs on nature documentaries and media “setups” [62:31].
• Entertaining digressions into nutrition conspiracies, feminism, relationship power struggles, and practical advice for listeners [100:02–114:16].

NFL Picks Roundtable: Paul, Jake the Snake, Andrew Thomas & Bill

[127:35–End]

Key Moments

• The group breaks down week 12 NFL lines, betting quirks, and shares football war stories with their signature irreverence.
• Long riff on “head cases” in sports:
  • Paul: “A walk off home run in the World Series...My pants would be off by the time I got to home plate.”
  • On showboating: Bill: “Can you imagine killing on stage and you get an applause break and you just go like this [shushing gesture]?”
• Ms. Pat pops in for comic jabs and football talk.
• Heavy sports-betting banter: The over/under, "Monday Night Special," and why Panthers +7 is fun [165:01+].

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Notable Quotes

• Ms. Pat:
  “Comedy is the one thing you own...we can literally go to a bar and sell five dollar tickets and make us some gas money.” [03:50]
• Bill Burr:
  “If somebody is just being who they are, then I can relax.” [02:24]
• Ms. Pat:
  “I can only be Ms. Pat.” [43:57]
• Bill Burr (on casting):
  “Once you prove you're funny, you're funny. With an actor, it's...can you do this?” [04:15]
• Ms. Pat (on trolls):
  “Yeah, I'm fat, but I make your whole salary in one week. Stop letting your daddy fuck you.” [37:05]
• Ms. Pat (on generational fashion):
  “Nobody wanted to have a big butt. Now everybody want a big butt.” [46:49]
• Bill Burr (on diversity in audience):
  “Let's bring a crowd together and freak people out.” [55:21]

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Final Thoughts & Tone

The show retains Bill Burr's trademark blend of observational rage, self-deprecation, and sharp but fair social commentary. Ms. Pat matches him in candor and comic timing. The tone is raucous, frequently explicit, but grounded in real-world stories, deep mutual respect, and a shared sense of survival and authenticity.

Whether you’re a comedy fan, sports obsessive, or someone seeking advice on hustling through life’s craziness, this episode blends laughs with surprising wisdom and a reminder that “nobody can change you but you.”

Catch Ms. Pat on tour and on BET, her podcast, and look for her upcoming self-produced standup special in Baltimore in February!

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(All timestamps approximate. Summarized to highlight core themes, insights, memorable moments, and direct speaker attributions for key quotes.)

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Give it up for Chicago.

[Paul]

Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand up special, It Ain't Right is now streaming on Hulu.

[Bill Burr]

Thirty years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht.

[Paul]

And the boxes keep coming. Watch. Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers terms apply.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, what's going on?

[Bill Byrd]

It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on your week, see how's it going. Obviously, you see that I'm filming, which means I have a special guest, which means I'm not talking to myself like a lunatic. My special guest is one of the funniest and most authentic people I have met in this business. This person is who she is everywhere she goes. It's why I'm such a huge fan. We've been trying to do this for a while. Please welcome from bet. And what channel is the Judd show on? I don't know.

[Ms. Pat]

Bet.

[Jake the Snake]

The queen of bet, Ms. Pat.

[Bill Byrd]

Ms. Pat. Settles it.

[Jake the Snake]

I gotta ask.

[Bill Byrd]

The thing I've always wanted to know about those judge shows on tv. Like, that's the settlement is like, they sign shit. Like, whatever you say. Yes, that is real. Now, what if they just won't shut up, right? Is there like, contempt to court on, like, do you have, like, a Hollywood jail you can actually stick? Do you have that authority?

[Ms. Pat]

No, I don't have that authority, but I do have the authority to say shut the hell up several times. And the good part about my courtroom, I think people know what they're walking into. So I really don't have that, you know? You know, I really don't have nobody, like, just getting out of control because I come away from around there and have a real conversation with you. Hey, let's talk. I don't need to talk.

[Bill Byrd]

You seem like such a fair person.

[Ms. Pat]

I am a fair person.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

So I wouldn't be like if I was in your courtroom, if you came at me, I'd be like, all right. It must be something I'm doing.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, a lot of people look at me as like a auntie, they mama, they sister. And so when they walk in their courtroom, they are. They automatically feel like I'm family member and I'm the older person in the family, so they're gonna listen. And so I've never had nobod just act a fool.

[Bill Byrd]

Right? But I think when I. I anyway, how I'M wired is if somebody is just being who they are, then I can relax because I don't have to like, okay, they said that. What do they really mean? And do all the math. Recently had an experience like that where it's just like, you know, there's what you're saying, you know, I remember this guy. I can't, I don't name names, but this person always pretends like they're friendly with me and they got a big smile on their face, but his wife is like staring daggers at me. So it's like, all right, this is what you're saying in public. That's what you say.

[Ms. Pat]

Get out my face.

[Bill Byrd]

You guys need to get, you guys got to get on the same, like, face page to like, sell what he's saying. It's, it's, it's super awkward. So I just always go like, all right, man. Yeah. Hey, thanks. Appreciate it.

[Ms. Pat]

He haven't taught his wife how to act in the business.

[Bill Byrd]

I don't think she's in the business. She's in real life.

[Ms. Pat]

That's why she got that place.

[Bill Byrd]

If she was in sales, maybe she could have. Do it. Do it also. But anyway, so Ms. Pat settles it. I gotta ask, how do you have time? You have the Ms. Pat show, Ms. Pat settles it. And Ms. Pat on tour. Always, always on tour.

[Ms. Pat]

Always somewhere doing some comedy. Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

Don't you like when people say that, like, when are you going back out on the road? Or like, when does your tour end? It's like, never.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, in this business, I've learned the comedy is the one thing you own. You know, they're gonna eventually cancel the MissPass show. It's in the fifth season. And then Ms. Pat Sellers and who knows where TV is going today. But one thing you know, we as comics, we can always count on. We can tour. You know, we're not like actors and actresses who gotta wait on somebody to call us and give us a job. We can literally go to a bar and sell five dollar tickets and make us some gas money. Right.

[Bill Byrd]

And also, what the hard part about acting is, is after you, like, as a comedian, once you prove you're funny, you're funny.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

With an actor, it's like they prove that they can act and then it's like, but can you do this? And it's like, I can act. Like they, I feel like actors have it harder because they have to.

[Ms. Pat]

They.

[Bill Byrd]

There's no, like, I did this. So now you can have faith that I am a good actor. All they do is like, okay, so you played a copy. That's what you can do. We're just going to keep sending you cops up so then you have to fight this, this whole thing, this, what do you call that?

[Ms. Pat]

Stereotypical.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get. Not stereotypical.

[Jake the Snake]

What is it?

[Ms. Pat]

A typecast?

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, yeah, the typecast. And now all you do is play a cop. I'm talking about my career. Fireman.

[Ms. Pat]

What did you play?

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, me?

[Bill Byrd]

Oh my God, I played so many cops and firemen and like that.

[Ms. Pat]

That's the face you got, Bill.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know, but I'm not a cop or a fireman.

[Ms. Pat]

I know, but you don't look like a princ either.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, what?

[Bill Burr]

Because.

[Bill Byrd]

Because of why? Because TV told you what, What a principle looks like? That's like Germany with all of that World War II shit. Everybody think who's never been to Germany thinks it's all like Hitler's dream, like blond hair and blue eyed.

[Jake the Snake]

That's not.

[Bill Byrd]

That's who we saw across the way. That's the Swedish people. And even then, that's just in Stockholm. You go outside of Stockholm, Sweden, that's where they, they keep their brunettes.

[Ms. Pat]

Which, okay, next time I'm there, I look for them. But you, you gotta, you gotta have. I mean, I think when people is cast for certain things, they gotta be able to play the role and then they gotta look like they belong in their role too.

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

Like, listen, I'm not saying that you.

[Ms. Pat]

Wouldn'T hire me to be a dance teacher.

[Bill Byrd]

Why not? Because immediately. That's an amazing backstory.

[Ms. Pat]

I can't dance on one thing. I give you another injury.

[Bill Byrd]

You had too many kids, you lost your dancer.

[Jake the Snake]

There's a whole way, the whole way.

[Bill Byrd]

I could go with that.

[Ms. Pat]

So I give you another example. Everybody think I can sing because I'm fat and I'm black. I'm horrible. So nobody ever put. Say you're a comedian. They automatically, you seen gospel? No, I don't sing at all.

[Bill Byrd]

But everybody thinks, everybody thinks my backstory is goodwill hunting. Did you grow up in Southie?

[Jake the Snake]

Were you good at math?

[Bill Byrd]

Did you say, did you like apples? No, none of that.

[Ms. Pat]

None of that.

[Bill Byrd]

I grew up in the suburbs. Was nothing like that. Yeah, yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

So, I mean, you. So I can see you playing a firefighter, a police officer. I can see that you're like working.

[Bill Byrd]

Against me right now.

[Ms. Pat]

If any like casting directors, will you Bill Burr. You don't need no damn castings director.

[Bill Byrd]

You'd be surprised.

[Ms. Pat]

Huh?

[Bill Byrd]

You would be surprised.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

Look, I'm not young. I mean, it took me a long time. It took a few people. You know what it took me? It was me going bald. That's what helped me. Cause then I shaved my head and I ended up looking like the asshole that I really am. So I got to play an asshole. But before that, like, they had.

[Ms. Pat]

Was holding you back.

[Bill Byrd]

They. Well, they just would. I would walk in, like, occasionally. I've told this story a million times, but back in the day when there was black and white headshots and it was the 90s and you put mousse in your hair. My. It could. It looked dark, so it looked brown. And a few times I got brought in for the lead, and there was an unwritten rule that a redheaded male is not a lead in a movie. And I would come in there and I would see their faces drop. And you know that shit where you prepare like three or four scenes and they'd be like, you know, you know.

[Bill Burr]

We'Re just gonna do the first scene.

[Ms. Pat]

Uh oh.

[Bill Byrd]

And like, nobody's looking at you as you do it. And I. And I knew why, but I also knew in the back of my head, I'm like, I just need one person to give me a chance to play an asshole.

[Jake the Snake]

So.

[Bill Byrd]

Actually, you know something? It was Breaking Bad. It was Vince Gillian. It gave me a chance. And I still had hair, so. But I also got to stand next to Lavelle, so.

[Ms. Pat]

Lavelle Crawford.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah. Yeah. So I think I look maybe tough.

[Ms. Pat]

By proxy tough or either smaller or.

[Bill Byrd]

Definitely smaller.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

So tell me about this, the. The Judge show. And as far as, like, how long does it take you when you. I always wonder on stuff like that. Like, do you just like, knock that out when, when you go. When you, you do like your taping of a season, whatever. Whatever it's called nowadays for the, the. The. The Ms. Pat settles it. Settles it.

[Ms. Pat]

So the way it works is we.

[Bill Byrd]

I want to say, Ms. Pat, that's.

[Ms. Pat]

That.

[Bill Byrd]

That's what I thought they should have called it, like, the Verdict. And it's over. Right. Ms. Pat settles it. How long does it take you to shoot that thing?

[Ms. Pat]

Two weeks. It's how many episodes we film about 70 episodes.

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. Two weeks is. Is crazy. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. And I don't know, five days a week.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, five days a week. By 10, 12, 13 hours.

[Bill Byrd]

What day do you start going crazy?

[Ms. Pat]

It's what time I start going crazy? Probably about 4 o'.

[Jake the Snake]

Clock.

[Ms. Pat]

I've had enough of it. After lunch, after you done fed Me, it's time to go.

[Bill Byrd]

You become a hangman judge before you.

[Ms. Pat]

Know, it's just long. Then it's all ablip for me. So none of that stuff is written. So I have to come off of my top of my head to keep the interesting. They make sure it's funny, and then you do. I do have a jury on the side, but it's all really on me being able to pay attention to everything and make the crap funny. So it's like doing crowd work.

[Bill Byrd]

That's a funny thing, though. Jury on the side. I didn't know what that meant for a second. I got a jury on the side.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, they ain't wolf of, but they funny.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, they are.

[Ms. Pat]

Carlos Miller. D. Ray Davies.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, D. Ray's on that show.

[Ms. Pat]

D. Ray is on it, too. Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay.

[Paul]

And it's.

[Ms. Pat]

It's pretty funny. It's pretty funny.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Bill Byrd]

Well, I got little kids, so I. I can't watch stuff like that.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, we're not cursing on that one.

[Bill Byrd]

I know, but they just. They're not going to get into adults arguing over, you put your fence on my property. And I didn't appreciate that. Like, they're gonna get. They watch like, Jurassic Park. Oh, and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm kind of in, like, that world right now.

[Ms. Pat]

How old are they?

[Bill Burr]

Eight and five.

[Bill Byrd]

I started late. I'm the reverse. I started.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Really?

[Bill Byrd]

Is that okay? There was like two O's. Oh.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, it's legal.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, you got some shelter babies. My kids watch any damn thing.

[Bill Byrd]

Well, you know what? I kind of go with their vibe. Like, my son will watch, like, Kojak with me and stuff like that, and he doesn't care. But my. Yeah, I'm old, but my daughter is not into that stuff. Stuff. She. She doesn't like violence. She's like a good person, you know? And me and my son are like.

[Ms. Pat]

You took him all the way back to Kojak.

[Bill Byrd]

It's a great show.

[Ms. Pat]

Bill Barr, you sit here sound like my damn husband. Well, you might know my husband be watching like old World Series game with Beirut. Sentiment. Just dumb crap.

[Bill Byrd]

It's not dumb crap. It's better.

[Ms. Pat]

It's black and white tv. Everybody at that stadium is dead. Everybody on that show is dead.

[Bill Byrd]

Kojak.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, yeah, Kojak.

[Bill Byrd]

Dead Cracker just passed was Bob Crocker. Bobby Crocker.

[Ms. Pat]

I was like, Cracker. I remember Cracker. I remember him being on there, but I don't remember nobody name Cracker.

[Bill Byrd]

No, I like going because I like the cars, the Dialogue is funny. And he's so old.

[Bill Burr]

I'm so old, I. I can't see.

[Ms. Pat]

How old are you?

[Bill Byrd]

57.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm 53.

[Bill Byrd]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

But I don't watch that. I don't watch nothing. I don't watch nothing past the 90s.

[Bill Byrd]

The 90s is 30 years ago. What's another 20 years?

[Ms. Pat]

I'm going to the end of the 90s. Geez, I don't even know if I watch it.

[Bill Byrd]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Jake the Snake]

What.

[Bill Byrd]

What is the oldest. You won't watch like an old, like Fresh Prince Martin, was that in your wheelhouse? What were you watching?

[Ms. Pat]

It was in everybody wheelhouses. I don't watch a lot of Martin. My assistant love it. My. I had a friend that love it. You know, I can't tell you. I was. I watched a whole bunch of Martin. I did watch some.

[Bill Byrd]

I'll tell you. I didn't watch a whole bunch of friends.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Bill Byrd]

I couldn't relate to it.

[Ms. Pat]

Why not?

[Jake the Snake]

What do you mean, why not?

[Bill Byrd]

Because they don't.

[Ms. Pat]

Your people.

[Jake the Snake]

Huh?

[Ms. Pat]

People?

[Bill Byrd]

Come on, you know better than that. You know better than to lump everybody all into one thing? You think I would sit there and have something to say to the. Whatever they were talking about?

[Ms. Pat]

You couldn't.

[Bill Byrd]

I'll tell you, you know my favorite.

[Ms. Pat]

You a white man that didn't get drinking coffee in a cafe.

[Bill Byrd]

I didn't start drinking coffee till like two years ago.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, shit.

[Bill Byrd]

What other ideas of white people do you have?

[Jake the Snake]

Wait, how big do you think my.

[Bill Byrd]

Apartment was when I was in New York? Did you think I had a step down living room and I left the door unlocked and my friends would just come walking in? We had those types of issues.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know, Bill Bur. I don't know.

[Bill Byrd]

I think you do.

[Jake the Snake]

I feel like you're pulling back right now.

[Ms. Pat]

I mean, you white. I thought you had the good life. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, you said suburbs. That right there was a big thing for me because I said what?

[Bill Byrd]

I said sherbert.

[Ms. Pat]

Suburbs.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, suburbs.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I forgot. Your wife have a college degree. So you don't talk slow.

[Bill Byrd]

No, you have. You have a southern accent. Can you please say suburbs again?

[Ms. Pat]

Suburbs.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay, all right.

[Jake the Snake]

Now I got.

[Bill Byrd]

Reminds me of before southern rap became mainstream. I remember this. This one of those, those Def Jam poets. He came up to New York City with a hardcore southern accent and they were just laughing. He had this poem he was doing and he'd be like, because you're scurred.

[Jake the Snake]

And he goes, scurred in the crowd.

[Bill Burr]

And he kept coming back to it.

[Bill Byrd]

And he had no idea why he.

[Jake the Snake]

Was bombing because he was scared.

[Bill Byrd]

And in his head, people just go, because you're scared. And just laughing at him.

[Jake the Snake]

I felt bad.

[Ms. Pat]

I do have a Southern accent. I'm from Atlanta.

[Bill Byrd]

All right, well, okay. Yeah, So I didn't. Yeah, there's different kinds of people.

[Bill Burr]

It is.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, there's different kinds.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

So not all white people looking at Friends like.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

For a lot of white people, maybe that was something to aspire to, to have an. To have an apartment where you could actually buy, like, full size furniture. Like any apartment that you see on TV in New York where you actually have room to have a table on tv.

[Ms. Pat]

They were supposed to be in New York.

[Bill Byrd]

I think so, yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I didn't watch Friends.

[Bill Byrd]

I didn't either. I didn't either. I mean, I thought the women were beautiful, but I mean, it wasn't enough to make me sit there and watch their shenanigans every week.

[Ms. Pat]

I watched. What was the show that they stole it from? I watched Living Singer.

[Bill Byrd]

I don't know what that was. Now, wait. How are you gonna sit there and look at me and be like, I know you watched Friends. If that's your idea of me, why would I know what Living Single is?

[Ms. Pat]

Living Single with Queen Latifah on it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

I watched sports. I didn't watch the Golden Girl. I didn't realize the Golden Girls was a good show.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, that was such a good. I watched the Golden Girls, okay.

[Bill Byrd]

Until I had a baby, right? And I'm holding. I couldn't get up because my daughter fell asleep. And then this Golden Girls marathon came on. I was like, oh, my God, this is the worst. You know, the remote was over there, and it's like, I can't move because the second she wakes up, I'm in trouble. And I just was watching it, and it was. It was great. It was fucking. It was fucking hilarious. Yeah. All right.

[Ms. Pat]

It was hilarious.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, you found some common ground here.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. I love the Golden Girl. And they talked about real stuff.

[Bill Byrd]

All right. I liked Martin.

[Ms. Pat]

I like Martin.

[Bill Byrd]

I didn't. I didn't watch Fresh Prince. I wasn't into that.

[Ms. Pat]

I like Fresh. I watched.

[Bill Byrd]

I didn't watch that Golden Girls. It took me a while.

[Bill Burr]

A lot of shit.

[Bill Byrd]

I get to it late and I go, oh, this is good.

[Bill Burr]

Like.

[Ms. Pat]

Like, I know you haven't watched my shit, Dan. What? The Mispad show.

[Bill Byrd]

I did watch your shit. Because you've supposed to come on this show for years now, and it's never. It's never worked out. And when I watched it, I was like, this woman is a star. And I was just so struck with, like, how mean this stuff you were saying simultaneously with the amount of love that was underneath it. And I absolutely loved the show. See that.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I'm sorry.

[Bill Byrd]

And I was like, she's an amazing actor, and she has this authenticity to her, and she could do stuff way beyond this, like, dramatic shit that a lot of times they don't let comedians do. That's what I thought. And then I went back to watching sports, but I watched, like, four or five episodes of. What it reminded me of is the great sitcoms of the 70s that I grew up on, where they actually had real characters rather than, you know, somewhere along the line, people started speaking in setup and punch rather than in character. So what I loved about your show was that it was. It was deeply rooted in character, in as much as you were trashing your kids. And you could see, okay, tough love.

[Ms. Pat]

Black mama.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay, I'm gonna go around that. And.

[Ms. Pat]

You looking at me like, not my damn wife. Inner city black mother. I am an inner city black mother.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay, what is that? Okay. All right.

[Ms. Pat]

We say, sit the down. Oh, wow. Might be saying, no, we need to time out.

[Bill Byrd]

No.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay.

[Bill Byrd]

No, not in.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm just telling you the two difference. So, you know.

[Paul]

I know.

[Bill Byrd]

No, but that. That's. That's once again, that whole thing that, like. Oh, you were in this. I remember, like, my friends, because they all came from divorce, were sitting there going like, oh, yeah, look at Bill's family. Because we were rode around in a station wagon, had paper routes. They're like, oh, yeah. They probably sit down for breakfast, and they have two pieces of toast with that square piece of butter and the half a grapefruit and all that type of shit. And I was thinking like, dude, if you knew what the fuck was going on in my house. I wish my dad left.

[Ms. Pat]

Really?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, I saw your car.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, it was.

[Ms. Pat]

It was.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, that.

[Bill Byrd]

That is the. That is super light. Super light. And that's not even. That's more me than my dad. That. That was. And that was another thing. That was an amalgam. There's, you know, it's 10 writers in the room. So that was an amalgam of everybody's dad. I mean, I want to put all the stuff out there. I also wanted to have a funny show.

[Jake the Snake]

It was good.

[Ms. Pat]

I did watch that.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay, so I didn't want to. Yeah, look, it was before therapy.

[Bill Burr]

People.

[Bill Byrd]

People did the best they could. This look.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

There was, like. People drank. My parents weren't drinkers, but they were like. People had kids so they didn't have to get up off the couch to make a drink.

[Ms. Pat]

That is the most realest shit ever.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, all of my friends, like, were like, could pass. Could pass the bartender test. By the time they were, like, eight, they could make whatever you wanted, like a screwdriver, Cape Cod or a Manhattan, you know, how do you like it? Do you like it dirty? You know, it was insane. I used to sit there and I was funny. Was. I used to look at them and think their parents were cool. And it wasn't until I got older that I said, no. My parents not doing that was cool. It was cool because I was just starting to get drunk with my, you know, underage drinking and stuff. So, you know, with my teenage brain, seeing parents behaving like teenagers to me. Oh, they're cool. Like, that's how I'm gonna be when I'm an adult. And then you realize that that's. That's not the way to be.

[Ms. Pat]

My mother used to make us light her cigarettes on the stove. I don't know why. She never had a lighter or no damn matches. And she was like. She would give us a cigarette. So I think we probably. Probably six or seven or seven and eight. And we would have to go in there, and if we didn't pull it, she will whoop our ass, because if we didn't pull it, it would burn the cigarette down the side. And I. When I remember being in school, and then it was this thing called Smokey the Bear, and Smoking the Bear. Smoking a bear would tell you, don't do drugs and don't smoke cigarettes. Everything kills you. And if. If, you know, if somebody touch you, you know, Smoking Bear taught you all the right things.

[Bill Byrd]

And so you had a different Smokey the Bear than I did. He just told us not to pollute and don't light the forest on fire.

[Ms. Pat]

No, this. Who told I was in my neighborhood?

[Bill Burr]

The bear.

[Bill Byrd]

And this is all your loaded Glock?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

Keep you.

[Ms. Pat]

Keep your thumbs out your ass. Tell the truth. I was smoking a bear.

[Jake the Snake]

We were just like, we're not sending all those mascots down there. Have Smokey the Bear come down there and just say all this.

[Bill Byrd]

We don't have time for this.

[Ms. Pat]

Smoking Bear was like, no alcohol. No. Keep the thumbs out your ass.

[Bill Byrd]

I had Mickey Mouse come to my school to watch out for sexual predators. And then I had Smoke?

[Ms. Pat]

No, we smoking the bear just did everything. So he said, don't smoke, smoke. But my mama would make us light her cigarettes. And I remember burning her cigarette up the side because smoking the bear say, don't smoke. And she was like, why you burn my damn cigarette up? I said, smoking the bear said, don't smoke. She slapped the out of me, said, who the is smoking the Bear? And I'm like, the man at the school say don't smoke. So she didn't like me to light her cigarette because I wouldn't pull it. But my sister pulled it and she been smoking since elementary school.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, your sister smokes?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, crack everything now. And I, I still went back to my mama having her pulling that cigarette. I refused to pull it.

[Bill Byrd]

You just burned it up.

[Ms. Pat]

I burnt that up so many times. And I took that slap like a man. I took that slap like Jesus, you know, turn the other cheek and let him slap you again.

[Bill Byrd]

But weren't you just trying to get out of having to do that or was it actually because you didn't want her to smoke?

[Ms. Pat]

Well, no, she smoked Winston too, so that was very strong. And for a 7 year old kids to be puffing on a Winston, you might have would have had me puffing on.

[Bill Byrd]

You didn't just light the end, you had to get it going.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I had to get it going because it was on the fire on the stove. You know, you just light it, it's gonna burn it up. If you don't pull it, it won't catch.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, that's. I thought you meant pull it out of the fire. Oh no, my parents didn't smoke.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, no, pull it. Like I had to put it in my mouth and pull the cigarette to get it going. I ain't like cigarettes, so. And my mama watched a lot of soap poppers, so I could never understand why she didn't smoke Virginia Slims like the lady on the sitcom, cuz they look warm, like very female. My mama, she was a lesbian.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh. Because of the size of her cigarette.

[Ms. Pat]

Thick ass cigarette. She told, she never told. A purse. I've never seen my mama with a purse. She told her wallet. And she kept everything in that man's wallet. Our birth certificate, her panty liner, her prescription, everything. By the time she stick that in her back pocket, it would get thick. My mama had no ass, but one side was always sticking out.

[Bill Byrd]

Wallet, butt cheek on one side, she carried a wallet. It all right.

[Ms. Pat]

I used to think that she was a lesbian, but she wasn't.

[Bill Byrd]

I, I can see that though she carried on. I thought that I would watch Friends and be like, oh, yeah, I get this.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know, Bill, Burt.

[Bill Byrd]

I just love Chandler.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

[Bill Byrd]

I felt like it was sort of like, like all of those Sex in the City, all of that stuff. Like I've never been into that.

[Ms. Pat]

What have you been into?

[Bill Byrd]

I watched a lot of sports and then I just.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, you talk about the damn sports, huh?

[Bill Byrd]

We talking about. That's all I, that's all I did. You asked me what I did.

[Ms. Pat]

Is that what you do now too?

[Bill Byrd]

Well, I've, I've finally gotten. Now that my kids are up and running now, now they, they're getting into sports. So I can watch it now. Like my son likes hockey and my daughter likes baseball and stuff. So they're coming around. But like, you know, early on it's a lot of like Bluey and, and these other cartoons and stuff. And it's, it's, you know, and then you're just like, all right, once they go to bed, I'll sit down and I'll watch this game that I tape. But you're just exhausted from raising them, so you just fall asleep. So I kind of have like a five year period where I didn't watch much of anything, but I watch a lot of movies and I watch sports. I don't like a lot of the new TV shows. It's just there, it just the way they compel you to just watch, keep watching and binging. It's like, I don't know, it's like, like Doritos. You start eating them, you can't stop. I just want to be up at three in the morning going, I'm just gonna watch one more episode of this shit. I'm signed.

[Ms. Pat]

It's good tv, isn't it? What to continue to watch, you know, episode after episode and yeah, well, it's.

[Bill Byrd]

Just like booze is good until it like fucks up your life. And I just look at all of that stuff, the Internet and TV and all of that shit like that. You really have to like, you know, you have to drink responsibly. You have to like watch responsibly. You just can't just put on a streaming network and just lose nine hours of your fucking life. You know, like, I gotta get caught up. I gotta get through this. I don't have to do any of this shit. I always tell people, I'm like, just tell me what happens, tell me what happens. And literally save me 30 years of my 30 hours of my life.

[Ms. Pat]

You. You literally at that edge where it's just male midlife crisis.

[Bill Byrd]

You like, I'm having a midlife crisis because I don't like to stream television shows. I'm going to want to live and say, you just misdiagnosed me. If you were my doctor and you said that to me, I wouldn't even argue with you. I would just sit there with my eyebrows up, like, in my head, being like, I'm firing her.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, this.

[Bill Byrd]

This is my last appointment.

[Ms. Pat]

You just at that point in your life, like, I like most people who's overfit the. You know, forget the. I just get to the point. Like, I hate long conversations. I hate a long test. I don't like to read. Literally, I do not like to read. I don't want to read all of that. Especially no text message, because you could have called and told me this, and it was way easier than me squinting my eyes and opening it.

[Bill Byrd]

That's like a book on tape. It's like a text on tape.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't want to text at all. Just pick up the phone. So I'm at that point in my life. So I understand you don't want to binge. And, you know, I don't watch a lot of TV either right now. But those are the things that I don't like. You know, I'm not holding my gas anymore because I'm 50 some years old, and I don't have those type of organs that can hold gas back. So, you know.

[Bill Byrd]

All right, so we'll do like a half hour. All right, here's something that fascinates me. One of many things about you is. And I didn't know about this until Pam told me.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, Lord.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

Because I was just like, I'm not gonna ask her the same 12 fucking questions that she gets asked. So this. This whole thing that you. You're, like, into real estate and buying properties. I don't own them or flipping them. I don't know what you're doing. But, like, that was really interesting to me to see an artist. Usually we're done with our money, but to see somebody actually, like, you know, creating, like, a revenue stream outside of considering how this business is shrinking, which isn't. It's, like, as big as it's ever been. What has shrank is the amount of people actually getting paid to be in it. So the fact that you're like, all right, so I got. You know, when you were talking earlier about. You got your stand up and nobody can touch that. And that's your thing to then create this other. Like, to me that as much as, okay, you gotta deal with tenants and that type of stuff, it seems like a really smart, liberating, putting you in a really great position of power in this business that if they, if somebody comes to you with something you don't want to do, you're not in a situation to be like, I don't want to do this, but I have to do it because, you know, I got to keep my, yeah, my, my SAG car.

[Ms. Pat]

So I like, I like, I'm a DIYer. So I was doing this before my career ever took off. My husband used to, before he worked at General Motors, he used to build houses. And I will watch. I was on Section 8 at the time and I watched a lot of HG TV and I would dream of having houses like those on hgtv. And so when I, when I bought my very first property, I, I just tore it apart. Now AGTV give you the energy to tear it apart.

[Bill Byrd]

I just say, how did you have the guts to do that?

[Bill Burr]

I would be so scared because they pump you up.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, you could do it.

[Paul]

You could do it.

[Ms. Pat]

But nobody tell you you got to know how to put that crap back together.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

But my husband was, my husband was building houses at the time, so he knew a little bit. And between that and YouTube, we made some mist over the years. We just kept.

[Bill Byrd]

If he's building houses, what do you mean? He only knew a little bit. It sounds like he would know.

[Ms. Pat]

He framed them. So he didn't do all the inside. He just framed them up.

[Bill Byrd]

So he didn't have any plumbing or electric?

[Ms. Pat]

No, he don't have, he don't have any of that.

[Bill Byrd]

But he knew what a load bearing wall was.

[Ms. Pat]

He knew.

[Bill Byrd]

Yes, that's the big thing.

[Ms. Pat]

He just removed one for me today. But give it up for Chicago.

[Paul]

Sebastian Maniscalco's new standup special It Ain't Right is now streaming on Hulk Hulu.

[Bill Burr]

Thirty years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped the shreds on his super yacht.

[Paul]

And the boxes keep coming. Watch. Sebastian Maniscalco It Ain't Right. Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers terms apply.

[Bill Byrd]

That's awesome. I think that that's fantastic.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. So I just started. I only own three properties. Seemed like a lot to pa what it was so fascinating.

[Bill Byrd]

Great. But it's like, that's money that's just always going to come in. So you're Never going to be broke.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. And I paid the properties off. So I built my house two years ago. I. We was living in Indiana and my, I told my husband to retire. I was like I think I can, I think I got this. Just come on back to Atlanta. So we get back to Atlanta and he, he told me where he wanted to live at. And I bought a house for $480,000 on seven acres and I knocked it down.

[Bill Byrd]

Seven acres?

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. And I built 15,000 square feet house and I just saved my money and I, I didn't have a G. G.C. i got an architect, I, I don't know a general contractor. So they, they, they the person that you give all the money to and then they take a percentage of your money and they build your house and they make sure every, they, they keeps the product.

[Bill Byrd]

How long did it take you to like design it? And then from designing it and then.

[Ms. Pat]

It took me about six months with architect. Cuz what I did is I'm not a designer interior out I neighborhoods. And I just told, I told the architect, I said well my, I want my front porch to look like this. I want this to look like this. I want that to look like this. And I just went on tick tock and stole everybody designs.

[Bill Byrd]

But you didn't, you didn't have any like specific thing like I want a home movie theater.

[Ms. Pat]

I do have one. Okay, you got, I put all of that in there. I knew I wanted that because I had that in my other house. So I just, it's like when you walk in my house. I didn't want to walk in directly to stuff steps.

[Bill Byrd]

So I told her it's the split entry.

[Ms. Pat]

No, it's just over to the side and have back steps for the kids to come in when they come, when they come from school. And I knew what I want the railing to look like, the bedrooms to look like. I knew how many bathrooms. It was crazy because as I was building I put one too many bathrooms there and I didn't realize I was like what the hell is this? And mother's like it's a bathroom. I said this is supposed to be a closet but it was already plumbed up.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh God.

[Ms. Pat]

So it turned into an extra bathroom. So I ended up with 13 baths.

[Bill Byrd]

Well let me ask you. That's what I never understood is on these giant houses the amount of bathrooms versus bedrooms, there's always like three times as many bathrooms. Like these people have weak bladders. Like It'll be like seven bedroom, 43 bathrooms. It's just like, I think, can you not make it to one of the seven? It seemed like it would be like seven bedrooms, like eight bath. You'd have one one downstairs off the living room, the kitchen or whatever. But why, why do they always have of. It's like a third more.

[Bill Burr]

I think they run out of ideas.

[Bill Byrd]

They do to do with all of that space.

[Ms. Pat]

I have 11 bedrooms and 13 baths. But I built a little podcast house next door for one of my kids. So I have a two bedroom house connected to the big house and my daughter stays over there and I go there and I do my podcast.

[Bill Byrd]

So you have like llamas and stuff running the property? You got animals or any of that stuff?

[Ms. Pat]

I have a dog. Three dogs.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay. Yeah, they have an acre.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I built them a house too. So they have an 800 square foot house.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Bill Byrd]

Let'S back up. When you were saying how I couldn't relate to friends in their giant apartments. And you just told me you built an 800 square foot house for your dogs.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, they got air conditioning cable and AC in the washing machine, a shower. They're Cane Corso. They bigger than you.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, but you took all their motivation away to have to bark and defend you. It's like they made it.

[Ms. Pat]

No, they bark. They do bark. They really do bark. But they are spoiled. They are spoiled.

[Bill Byrd]

That's amazing.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. So I think that's what fascinated.

[Bill Byrd]

Do you want to like continue to grow? This is going to get money. They call it your portfolio.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

And your real estate portfolio. Increasing or decreasing your presence in the real estate market. That's how they talk.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I don't know about that. But I'm. I want to increase my daughter, one of my daughters, right on my show. And so she's very good with her money because she went to a much better school than my Medicaid kids did. So she invests. And I just went to it one day. I was like, hey, let's, let's let me show you how to your money to make more money. You just sitting here living for free in the other little house, you know, let's buy some houses together. And she was like. And I was. I didn't think she was gonna do it, but she did it. And so she was like, well, how much you did? I was like, just give me 75, 000. And I was like, she never gonna give me 75, 000. And I looked up and she tried. I said, this got some money.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, so she's been doing it. That's Amazing.

[Ms. Pat]

So we bought. We just bought our first property together. And she let me do all the remodeling. And I just told her, I said, you got to think about it like this. It's money. When you need it, it's there. And the houses. The houses that we're buying is paid off. So I'm just buying, like, you know, some raggedy crap, and. Because I' What I do, and I just fix them up.

[Bill Byrd]

That's great. My. My wife watches this show. This. This couple. I don't know where they're from, but they're always flipping houses. It's a huge show, and they do the exact same to every house. They come in and they just go, all right, we're going to open it up. We're gonna get some windows, put in, some hardwood floors. And, like, I just say that every time. Like, right as they look at it, I say it, and then they end up doing it. So they've had a couple of cool ones. Like, they.

[Bill Burr]

There was like, this, like.

[Bill Byrd]

I don't even know what it was. It's almost. I don't know. It's a shotgun shack. What do you call it? It's like one of those, like, you call them railroad apartments in New York, but it's one of those things where you just. You walk in. Here's the living room, and then you walk into the kitchen and the bedroom.

[Ms. Pat]

That's the kind of house my granddaddy had.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah. So somebody. There was only a few of them left, so now they're kind of historic because that style of house doesn't exist anymore.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, they're bringing them back into new model homes, them shotgun houses.

[Bill Byrd]

I know. I feel like that has to do with the. How wealth is spread out at this point that we're sort of reverting back. And now they're, like, lowering the age.

[Bill Burr]

Where kids can work.

[Bill Byrd]

You know, they're trying to get it.

[Bill Burr]

Down to, like, 14 and 13.

[Bill Byrd]

I mean, this is shit that people, like, died, like, fighting cops and strike busters to prevent. They're literally going back to that.

[Ms. Pat]

They try to.

[Bill Byrd]

What kills me is it's nerds. I always thought, like, it would be like some, you know, remember Jack Nicholson look when he was playing Jimmy Hoffa with that square jaw and that buzz cut. Like, if it was somebody like that doing it, you know, with the Joseph Stalin haircut, you're kind of like, all right, I get this. But to have some nerdy Star wars fan. Yeah, take all the music, and then this guy's taking all of this.

[Ms. Pat]

You don't do social media.

[Bill Byrd]

No, I got off that in the beginning of September.

[Ms. Pat]

It works for me. I can't stress over, you know, somebody opinion about me. And I had to learn that too, because when I first started, they would say. Would say mean stuff about me. Oh, you fat and you this and, and all kind of shit. And so I. But I talk back. You say something to me online, I'm gonna talk back. And I was like, yeah, I'm fat, but I make you clocking in at McDonald's, you poor bitch. And I'm going out here making your whole salary one week me and stop letting your daddy you. So I was fine back. So you say something to me. They don't, they don't really say anything to me anymore because I will fight back. I told them I'm not Beyonce, I'm behind this phone. When you send a message, it pop up and I can read it.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Ms. Pat]

And I talk about it and I go straight to their page and find they slow kids. Oh, and then they mama in had that in a wheelchair and they inbreded family.

[Bill Byrd]

But you just told me you say it and you give it to God. And now you're doing a deep dive into complete.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I don't do that as much as I used to.

[Bill Byrd]

Going after their whole families.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

What is their slow kids have to say? They don't even know how to type it.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I gotta talk about them. Get that slob off your baby bottom lip. Who you had that baby by a llama? A duck baby look like a cash back kid. That's when I have time. If I don't have time, I just, you know, I say it, I give it to God. But if I'm just laying in the bed a couple days and ain't had no bath and my wig is off, you gonna get it like a hard dick. I'm gonna give it to you.

[Bill Byrd]

The whole family's gonna get it.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I sent a message to my assistant. I said, make sure I spelled everything right. She sent it back. And I tear their ass up for about an hour. She'd be like, stop it, Stop it. I said, I ain't gonna stop you. You said something to me? You said something. Don't say nothing to me. I said, I will meet you at Starbucks and beat this out of of you.

[Bill Byrd]

You gotta be careful with that.

[Ms. Pat]

What?

[Bill Byrd]

There's. There's crazy people out there.

[Ms. Pat]

Come on over my house. Come on over my house.

[Bill Burr]

You don't mean that.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes, I do.

[Bill Burr]

No, you don't yes, I do.

[Bill Byrd]

No, you don't. You have this beautiful 15,000 square foot house.

[Ms. Pat]

I got three dogs that eat white and black people, Asian, Mexican, anybody who jumped the fence. And I got a couple bullets. Now, I can't shoot you because I'm a convicted felon, but I got a lot. I live with a lot of non convicted felons.

[Bill Byrd]

As a convicted felon, even in the south, you're not allowed to have a gun.

[Ms. Pat]

Not right now. Not till I get the other felonies off my record. The day I get them all off, I'm just gonna be shooting in there. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. I'm gonna get on the back of my cane, corso back, and I'm just gonna start shooting in the air.

[Bill Byrd]

Wait a minute. How many do you have left? I don't want to get involved in them, but how many do you have left? You gotta get.

[Ms. Pat]

I got about what, three felons to go. Three?

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, that must have been a long list. She just said just like three.

[Ms. Pat]

It was like four.

[Bill Byrd]

We're into single digits. Holidays are here. The judges are feeling a little more forgiving.

[Ms. Pat]

Believe it or not, it was a lot.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, well, you know, you.

[Bill Byrd]

Well, you became a wonderful person. I don't know.

[Ms. Pat]

I was already a wonderful person when I was committing those crimes. I was trying to survive. Two kids at 15, eighth grade education. I was trying to get some money. I wasn't trying to kill nobody. I was just trying to steal a little bit, sell a little crack. You know, made a few mistakes. You know, I was just. I was not. I wasn't the dope dude that did the drive bys. Now, I put the gas in the car for the drive by, but I didn't personally go on the drive unless it was on my baby daddy. I drove by, shot up his baby mamas, but just a regular person. No.

[Bill Byrd]

Wait a minute. Some more.

[Jake the Snake]

More.

[Bill Byrd]

Your past is coming.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

I beat up. I did not beat up the teacher. He lied.

[Bill Byrd]

You defended yourself. You defended your honor.

[Ms. Pat]

No, I was so. I used to. I used to do vending at the Dome, at this hot dog space at the Dome. And I would take Georgia Dome. Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

I still don't understand why they tore that place down. There was nothing wrong with it. Put that whole city in debt with the Mercedes Benz, whatever the they call it.

[Ms. Pat]

And the fact that.

[Bill Byrd]

And then they tore down Fulton County Stadium. Build a brand new stadium. My people don't want to go in town because of the traffic. And then the.

[Bill Burr]

They.

[Bill Byrd]

They built another one out There and there's still just as much traffic.

[Ms. Pat]

It's just as much traffic.

[Bill Byrd]

I had a show out there when there was a Braves playoff game. Like they have a little like theater near the ballpark. And I was sitting there, I could see the venue for like an hour and 15 minutes.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't think it was because white people didn't want to come. That's the only people that went there. Cuz I used to work at the Brave stadium. The problem was they wanted a new stadium and the city said no.

[Bill Byrd]

They just got that one.

[Ms. Pat]

That 14 county been around a long time.

[Jake the Snake]

No, no, no.

[Bill Byrd]

Then they built him a new one.

[Ms. Pat]

No, no.

[Bill Byrd]

And then they got another one.

[Ms. Pat]

No, they don't.

[Jake the Snake]

They only built.

[Ms. Pat]

It's from 40. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Atlanta. Atlanta. I forgot, I forgot. Fourteen County. God damn. How you know all this?

[Bill Byrd]

That's what I did when I was on the road.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, so I didn't, I didn't work at 14 count. I worked at the other one.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

And so they didn't, they wanted, they wanted that one tore down and a new one. And he said no. So they was like, forget you. We moving the brace to Cobb County. County.

[Bill Byrd]

But what I'm saying is they tore down Fulton county stand, which I understand that was the cookie cutter. You know, football and baseball, those things were ugly and they, they didn't put any thought into them. So then they made him this beautiful stadium. And then it was like nine years later they said we want another one. We want to get out of here. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And then they left it and then they gave it to like Georgia Tech or some shit. And they draw and they draw like 800 fans sitting in this thing that you could play a major league baseball game. Gaming.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, it's bizarre. I and you as a convicted felon can't have a gun in that state, but they can do that. When does the. The Ms. Pat and that's that show.

[Ms. Pat]

When does that settles. It's come on every Tuesday night.

[Bill Byrd]

So are, are you here to promote a new season is what I'm asking.

[Ms. Pat]

It's just started. New season.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, so it is just starting. Okay, that's great.

[Ms. Pat]

All right, well, I'm going to night.

[Bill Byrd]

I'm gonna check. I think you're a sweetheart.

[Ms. Pat]

I think you want to be a.

[Bill Byrd]

Bird despite all of your, you know, gassing people up for drive bys or whatever the fuck it was you were doing. We all have a pass. No. And I think you're A phenomenally talented artist. And I think if they give you a shot to do something dramatic in a movie, I think you would absolutely kill it because you were so grounded in such a real person and really interesting.

[Ms. Pat]

Thank you. I am a real person. One thing I said about when I went to Kane Hollow, I can't let anybody change me. Cause I can only be Ms. Pat.

[Bill Byrd]

Well, there you go. My thing that I said to myself was like, no matter what happens to me, I'm coming out the other side looking like a person. I am not doing this shit or this shit. I'm not doing that. I'm not getting hair stapled. And I'm just gonna be like, all right. I guess I'm a character actor. I guess I'm gonna look like.

[Ms. Pat]

Like, you know what the craziest thing is? Like, you know, white women need lips, cuz white people have thin lips. But now black women are getting negro lips. I don't get it. It. It's so. You can't. You.

[Bill Byrd]

First of all, they can only make one pair of fake lips. Everybody has the exact same lips.

[Ms. Pat]

Ass too.

[Bill Byrd]

And you can tell them from a little behind on the side. You automatically go, those are, those are those.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

Make. I'm trying to do it, I can't do it. But it's the exact same. Why don't they. A little more. A little. It's not like fake titties where they could. Any cup size you want. They have like, you remember, like the old haircut, like, which haircut do you want? They go, which lips do you want? They got one pair of lips and everybody gets them.

[Ms. Pat]

And do you know those lips go down and they have to get them pumped back up. They go down like every three to four weeks and they have to get them pumped back up.

[Bill Byrd]

It's, it's, it's insane, people. And nobody wanted them until they went online. And, and that's the thing, I think what it is, is regular people get trashed. Like entertain, like entertainer. You just have to take it that it comes. Okay? If you're gonna get up on stage and run your yap and a mouth into a microphone. Sorry, run your mouth into a microphone. Someone's gonna, you know, you're gonna get heckled. People are gonna say mean shit to you that comes with the gig. But now the people in the crowd, they have their own little Instagram TikTok page. And you know, people just, like, that's like a sport. Like. And the people who are the meanest, like, have no accounts. Like, they just Go in to like, trash people. So I, I think it's giving like, like, dude, I, I, I know somebody in New York. He's, he's a, a superintendent of a bill and he got a hair system.

[Ms. Pat]

A hair system.

[Bill Byrd]

He got, he got like his shit. He was going bald and he was.

[Ms. Pat]

Just, can you imagine? No, but I'm just, you know, Billy Ocean is.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, I know who Billy Ocean is.

[Ms. Pat]

You know the lips on him, you know, Billy Ocean lips?

[Bill Byrd]

Well, I never, I never looked at him like that.

[Ms. Pat]

Can you imagine? They tease him about his lips and today they buying his lips. Oh, what do you mean? Mr.

[Bill Byrd]

Potato Head Lips?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, that's a good ass. I never thought.

[Bill Byrd]

You can't even see the nose.

[Ms. Pat]

Mr. Potato Head Lips. That's what they buy and, but they go down. That's so crazy.

[Bill Byrd]

No, all of that stuff does.

[Ms. Pat]

And it's like asses. I used to hate having a big butt. I have a big butt and you know, big butts wasn't always in style. But my, my daddy side of the family, everybody got an ass. When I met my dad, I was like, oh, okay, I see why I was shaped like, like this. And nobody wanted to have a big butt. Now everybody want a big butt.

[Bill Byrd]

It's Sir Mix. A lot's problem is what he brought it into the white community with that rap video. And then all of a. Yeah, you see. Basically was talking about flat ass white women, right? And he did, Wasn't into that. He liked this. And then that was the first thing. The first thing. It, it just.

[Ms. Pat]

What's the song? Remind me, isn't it?

[Bill Byrd]

I like Big Bus.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I like Big Bus. Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

That was my people's first, like, what the is this?

[Ms. Pat]

That's what made white women go out and say, we ain't got no ass.

[Bill Byrd]

I think that that was the beginning. Oh, I know the beginning. And then like, and then also during that time, that was when like, hip hop started overtaking, like, pop music. And then it became the mainstream. And then there was all of this money and then all of those women were in those videos. And then that big. The same way it was reversed, you know, where black people were watching all these white people looking at that. It was like, the fake ass is the white people's conk, basically.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, like, fake ass is white people.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, Conk. Like straightening your hair.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

So now I guess I have to have a fucking ass so I can look like the people on tv. It's gone. It's gone the other way. Anyway, we're getting off track here, so I don't know what else to talk about. Let's talk about your live dates coming up, and then we can wrap this up before you start getting gassy.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm glad you remember. I don't. I don't have my dates on me. Just go to miss. This is.

[Bill Byrd]

This is how you know she's funny. If she was a hack, she would know all of her dates, all of the fucking information. Truly talented people cannot promote their fucking tours to save their life. Life.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know. If I didn't have this young lady in my life, I wouldn't know where the hell to be at.

[Bill Byrd]

You're like, me, Like, I'll be going to the airport and my wife will call me up, be like, do you know what airline you're flying?

[Jake the Snake]

I'm like, I don't.

[Ms. Pat]

Damn.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know. I just.

[Bill Byrd]

I. I just deal with, like, I get picked up at this time, and then I get in the vehicle.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

And then I handle some phone calls, and then when I start getting close to the airport, that's when my brain goes, okay, what airline are we flying?

[Ms. Pat]

You don't fly the same airline?

[Bill Byrd]

No, I just fly when I want to. I never got into that miles thing.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, my God, you leaving so much money on the table.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah, but you know something? I. I don't become like, they keep moving the yardstick. That's what I don't like. And they got all of those idiots.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, by now, you at the yardstick. It's not for you to worry about the yardstick. I'm a million miler, so. You've been doing this shit way longer than me, so I know you would have been there by now. Now, I only fly Delta. I try. I don't.

[Bill Byrd]

I'm not on there to, like, play.

[Ms. Pat]

Their, well, mama's coupon type person. If it's a credit card, it's got to be some type of coupon or something. I'm gonna get out of it. I'm a. I'm a miles person. I'm a points person. Every hotel I stay at, like, make sure you use. Make sure I get my points. And they be looking at me like, you want points? Yeah, I want all my points.

[Bill Byrd]

Points.

[Ms. Pat]

Every time I swipe my American Express card, I'm concerned about points. Home Depot give me points. Lowe's give me points. I mean, I mean, that's a different. You know, I'm a woman, so I watches everything. Everything's about points and coupons for me. I would literally have somebody, one of my kids, hey, clip that coupon and go buy this today.

[Bill Byrd]

You got to call it a coupon.

[Bill Burr]

Coupon. Coupon coupe.

[Ms. Pat]

What?

[Bill Byrd]

Coupon.

[Ms. Pat]

What? I say it Q. Q.

[Jake the Snake]

That can't be a coupon.

[Bill Burr]

Coupon.

[Bill Byrd]

Coupon.

[Ms. Pat]

What?

[Bill Byrd]

It's C, O, U, P. Oh, am I losing my mind here? I know what you're saying. I just think it's. It's cute the way you say coupon coupon.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, okay.

[Bill Byrd]

No, the way. No, no.

[Ms. Pat]

Who's saying it wrong?

[Bill Byrd]

This is becoming like good fellas. No, the. The way you say it, it's just funny the way.

[Bill Burr]

The way.

[Bill Byrd]

The way you say. Oh.

[Ms. Pat]

Nobody ever told me I was saying it wrong. But okay, let me.

[Bill Byrd]

No, I was just quoting Goodfellas, which I knew halfway into it, I'm like, she's not gonna get this reference.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm not.

[Bill Burr]

Now you.

[Bill Byrd]

Now you quote living single or whatever, you talked.

[Jake the Snake]

I tell you this.

[Bill Byrd]

The whole cast of living singles would walk by me, and I would have no idea. Queen Latifah, I would know, but only because of MTV Unity. That's a.

[Bill Burr]

Unity.

[Paul]

I remember that.

[Bill Byrd]

With the big priest hat.

[Ms. Pat]

That was not a preset. That was a. The chocolate.

[Jake the Snake]

That was not a preset.

[Ms. Pat]

That was a.

[Bill Byrd]

That was an African whatever. I know African hat.

[Ms. Pat]

All right, so I'm in.

[Bill Byrd]

Well, if you're a white person, you wear a hat like that, you're the Pope.

[Ms. Pat]

You really are the Pope, but not with the dashiki on the front.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay, then you African. Fair enough.

[Ms. Pat]

Philadelphia.

[Jake the Snake]

What.

[Ms. Pat]

What is this? So I did. I was like, I look like I already been all these days. My next date is.

[Bill Byrd]

I thought you had on slip on clogs. I say clogs. Never had that thing on the back, did they?

[Ms. Pat]

No, these are slip on Gucci. I'm in Miami, Florida.

[Bill Byrd]

Did you have a coupon when you got those?

[Ms. Pat]

It was a gift.

[Bill Byrd]

It was a gift.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. Charlotte, North Carolina. I'm at the comedies on December 5th and 6th.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

Right after my mama and daddy birthday. December 12th through the 13th. And San Antonio Comedy Club. I'm coming that away. Laugh out loud. New Jersey, the theater.

[Bill Burr]

Vict.

[Ms. Pat]

Victoria's Theater. Make sure you get your tickets.

[Bill Byrd]

What's the date of that?

[Ms. Pat]

New Jersey, December 19th.

[Bill Byrd]

December 19th. There we go. All right.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, but the most.

[Jake the Snake]

Give one more.

[Ms. Pat]

The most important. I'm gonna give you two more. The most important one. New Year's. Alabama. I'll be there at the Star Dome. But guess what?

[Bill Byrd]

I love that place.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, really? I do, too.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

February 13th and 14th, I will be in Baltimore at the Baltimore Center Stage.

[Bill Byrd]

You ever used to work that improv? We had to walk, like, nine miles down that hall. It was, like, buried into the bobbles of this building. It was the worst location I'd ever. I. I don't think they still have it. They had, like, something, like, right down on the water, and you would, like, walk.

[Ms. Pat]

I think I. I think I did that with. When I used to open for Arnes. J and D right there.

[Bill Burr]

Davis, Arnaz, J. I was talking about.

[Bill Byrd]

Him the other day. That's one of the funniest dudes ever.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

How?

[Bill Byrd]

Like, when I first started out doing comedy, I remember seeing him on TV being like, Like. Like that. That is killing.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

He would murder.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

And all of those comic views, all of that stuff.

[Ms. Pat]

I. I for him for about eight years. Him and D Ray around the same time.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, okay.

[Ms. Pat]

So I have to give a shout out to D Ray. D. Ray taught me how to head.

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

I used to do that. Moet on Mondays.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

I haven't done that in forever.

[Ms. Pat]

It's still there.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

I haven't done that. It's a grumpy crowd sometimes.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, I think those.

[Bill Byrd]

Because it was Monday. It was just Monday. It wasn't. People just sitting there like, I got to do this four more times. Then you'd be going on stage.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, how are you?

[Bill Byrd]

I'm a comedian. I don't have to do.

[Ms. Pat]

They don't want to laugh. They just. I'm here to see this. Hilarious celebrities. I don't ever stop through. But I love D Ray.

[Bill Byrd]

I love D Ray, too. No, and Monday nights is good. But I'm just saying, every once in a while, they. The crowd would remind you that it is, in fact Monday night.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

Not a weekend, but they dress up.

[Ms. Pat]

Like it's a weekend.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. Yes.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

They came to show some skin.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah. It's not how I roll.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh.

[Ms. Pat]

February 13th and 14th, I'll be at Baltimore Center Stage, and I'm shooting my second special there.

[Bill Byrd]

That's amazing.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you.

[Bill Byrd]

Where are they gonna put it on?

[Ms. Pat]

I'm paying for it myself, so we don't know yet.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, okay.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

All right. Well, let me know if you want to come back and promote it. I would be happy to promote it.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I'll be more than happy to come back too, Bill. It took us five years to get together.

[Jake the Snake]

I know.

[Bill Byrd]

Well, you're busy. Your tour never ends. My tour never ends.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. And when you I tried to catch you last time you was in Atlanta, but I was leaving the day you got there.

[Bill Byrd]

As you always on the road. All right. And I would do a date with you at some point if you wanted to like do like a road gig or something like that.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, most definitely. Hell, hell yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

Let's bring a crowd together and freak people out.

[Ms. Pat]

You'd be surprised how diversity mine is.

[Bill Byrd]

No, I, that's like. No, I think you're, you're an old, you're an old school star. You're an old school star. All right, before we just have off camera conversations, I'm to going try to bring this back into like a professional thing and just, and wrap it up here. I'm so psyched we finally got to hang. I'm so psyched and I'm so happy for you and all of your success. I think, like I said, I kind of said all the compliments earlier, but I'll say them again. I think you're phenomenal. You're a star. And beyond all of your comedy and your real estate portfolio and all of that, I'm dying to see when somebody gives you a shot in some movie where you got to do some drama stuff, because I really think you would kill it. I really think that you would kill it.

[Ms. Pat]

Thank you. And if that don't come, I would love a DIY show.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, okay.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay.

[Bill Byrd]

Do it yourself. I got a production company. I would put that, I would put that together in a second.

[Ms. Pat]

Do it your damn self. I wanna, I, I, you know. Cause TV is so fake.

[Bill Byrd]

All right, that is The Thursday podcast, Ms. Pat, everybody check her out on the road. And if you're in the Baltimore area, please check her out when she's going to be doing her stand up Special on the 13th and 14th of February.

[Ms. Pat]

Go.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, Valentine's Day.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

What a great date night. All right, that's it. Thank you for watching. We'll see you on Monday.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 20, 2017. Right off the bat, the first thing you should notice is my hushed tone. Not a hush tone, a hush hushed tone. My daughter is sleeping downstairs. It's like 5:30 in the morning and this is the only time I'm gonna have to do this podcast if I wanted to kind of come out on time today. So that is what I'm doing. I was with my daughter all day yesterday. It was awesome. Nia went out with some friends and then she went out to dinner. And I just sat there. We watched the Patriots, Raiders. I had taped the Celtics, Hawks game. I watched a little bit of the Dallas Philly game because on inside the NFL, I said Dallas was going to win. And my only reasoning was division rivalries.

[Bill Byrd]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

It's like, look how bad the Buffalo Bills got fucking raped yesterday by the San Diego Chargers for whatever fucking reason. Reason. They're going to give us a tough game. They're at least going to cover this spread one goddamn time for the simple fact that we see him twice a year going back to, like, 1960, back in the AFL, you know? So I was wrong. I'm big enough to say that I was wrong. Carson Wentz, I guess, six foot five, unbelievably mobile. Yeah, Eagles put a thump. But I'm a big enough man to say I was wrong. I'm a big enough man to let you know that I'm sitting here drinking tea all alone. So, yeah, I just did that. Was just hanging out with my daughter. Dude, she's amazing. She really is amazing. She is, like, all over the place. She can say mama now and she can say dada, but she doesn't know what they mean, you know, and she doesn't know when the word ends. So you, like, say mama. She just goes, mama, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. Say da, da. She'll go like, mama, ma. Come on, say da, da. She go, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And then pointing at myself, she'll just smile at me like, what the fuck is with you? And she just crawls away. She can stand. She can let go of stuff. Still stand for good. Like, I don't know. I think a record's like eight or nine seconds. And you always think that they're gonna, like, fall back and hit their head. Drives you nuts. But some reason, they just. They sit right down in their butt.

[Bill Byrd]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I still don't trust the whole. Still don't trust the whole thing. And I did the classic dad moment. Somebody bought us a toy that I think is a little advanced for my kid. It was basically, you know, like the walkers that old people have. This is like the same kind of thing, except it's, you know, it has a smiling cow's face on it and sings songs on the front, but essentially it's an old person walker. So my daughter was pushing it around, like, on her knees first, and then she started standing up. What I did was I put my iPhone slightly in front of it, you know, because they love any sort of computer system screen. And she was, you know, started taking steps with it or anything, but there's like no break on it. It's like really dangerous. So I always have to be hovering over. So the one time I go to film her doing it and no, I'm not going to show you this footage. She starts to walk and I'm filming her and all of a sudden she like, leaned back and the whole thing, like, tipped over on her. She fell down, hit her head. She was on the rug though the carpeted area. But if I were to show you that video, you'd see the second she was in danger, I threw the camera down and tried to catch her. As opposed to most of these parents out there. I swear to God, it's like they're trying to put him in bad positions. And then the kid falls down and you hear the parents laughing. They don't even try to help them because they're all giddy thinking, like, this is going to get me a bunch of hits. Like, I haven't seen this one. There's some kid, I guess somebody was telling me, like, hanging from something and falls into a fish tank, Breaks the fish tank or something. That's water, that's glass. That's dead fish. That's the kind of used to get you sent to bed. The second your parents saw it, they'd be like, dude, what the are you doing? Okay, they didn't say dude, but everything else they said. Now the parents just sit there and they, you know, it's like watching one of those nature shows. Like anytime they show a snake eating, somehow it always finds a fucking mouse. Do you know long you'd have to sit there following that goddamn snake around with an entire camera crew. The thing keeps turning around, looking at you, trying to strike you. You're freaking it out, right? Plus you and your camera crew are making all that goddamn noise. You're going to scare all the mice and away. But somehow they always seem to capture the moment. The snake fights the other snake, you know, it kills a rabbit, it kills a bird. I want to know why all of these people out there, right, all of these animal lovers, they're talking about the Japanese beating all those dolphins to death in the COVID They're talking about, don't leave your dog, you know, in a.

[Jake the Snake]

In a.

[Bill Burr]

In a car with the windows up, all of that shit. What about these mice, okay? On these, these, these nature shows, I think I've told this before. I watched one one time. They're following this snake through the. We'll Say air quote, woods, okay? The snake is completely oblivious of the goddamn camera crew. They must be just tippy toeing around bringing right craft services just off in the distance, you know, so they got one camera team is following this mouse, the other team is following like this rattlesnake or something. So the mouse goes down into the hole, and then the snakes goes down in the hole. And then next thing you know, I'm in the hole too. The camera is in like the giant living room part, the open area, the great room, the room over the garage, if you will, of this hole, okay? The game room, the man cave, right? And the camera's already in there. The mouse is standing there like what the. You know, like Joe Pesci and Goodfell's like, ah, no, the second it sees the camera and then the snake comes in and kills the thing. I want to know, PETA, they're so busy, you know, wrapping themselves around some fucking half dead armadillo layman in the streets. Where the fuck are they on this issue? How in God's name could that camera crew possibly. In all the fucking holes in the woods. Of all the fucking mice in the. Are there mice in the woods? I don't know, right? Of all the fucking rodents in the goddamn woods. How the hell did they know that this fucking mouse was gonna go down that fucking hole? And that snake, that they was going to follow that mouse down into that hole, into that part of the hole. There's only one way, people. It was a setup, okay? Set up the same way they set up those sharks to look like a bunch of lunatics when they hang that fucking steamship round. Hanging off the goddamn boat. Steamship round, everybody. I told you I'd work it in. Just basically, half the hindquarters of a cow, they got that hanging off the side of the.

[Bill Byrd]

The boat, right?

[Bill Burr]

The great white shark shows up. It's got that Arsenio thing where, you know, when it smiles, it shows way too much gums, making it not a sympathetic character. Which is why I think when they brought Arsenio back, it didn't last that long. I think, personally, I don't think it was because of the talent of the man. You know, Go back and watch Coming to America, going blow for blow with Eddie Murphy, you know, Same thing with these great white sharks. Majestic, beautiful, doing their job. God forbid. You got crooked teeth in America. I'm telling you, the mice have crooked teeth. They got pointy teeth, right?

[Bill Byrd]

Are they meat eaters?

[Bill Burr]

The fuck does a mouse eat? It's got to suck when you figure out that in the pecking order of nature, you're just sort of this, like a slider. You like this appetizer. Like there's, you know, all of that shit. Christ, they're fucking like rabbits. It's like rabbits have to produce the way they do or a bunch of other species die. And I imagine some egghead with a lab coat would say that eventually human beings would die unless we ate a plant based diet. Fruits and vegetables, grains and nuts. I'll get into this later on. You know, I watched this video saying that, you know, meat and butter and, and eggs and dairy wasn't that bad. So you know what happens the second you say that, you know, this food isn't bad? A bunch of people, people, other non experts come out of the woodwork and start telling you about the videos that they, that they just watched and the, that they think is right. You know, it's literally like these food people and nutrition people. I'm done with them. You know what they're like, they're like religious people where they think God loves them best. Their story about God, Buddha, Muhammad, Jesus. Oh, Jesus, right? I don't want to start a race war here, not a race war, a religious war here. But you got to admit, Jesus is the coolest out of all of them. You know, hey man, like guys, want to see me walk on water?

[Bill Byrd]

I mean, he's just doing all these tricks, right? He's like a fucking lounge act in Vegas.

[Bill Burr]

He's pulling all the fucking bread and the fish shout.

[Bill Byrd]

You know, in fairness to Muhammad, I have not read one word about him.

[Bill Burr]

I've never read the Quran. I never even read the Bible. You know, in the afterlife, I just hope I die in a, in a group accident, you know what I mean? So that way we're all just kind of sitting there. I can kind of skate with the smart kids. You know, when the teacher would come.

[Bill Byrd]

In, did anybody.

[Bill Burr]

Read the short story last night? Y' all read it and everybody was.

[Bill Byrd]

Kind of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like, try not to make eye contact. Then the dude would start asking questions. You're like, ah, come on, man. You start looking at the smart kid, like, dude, put your hand up and ask God damn, answer these questions. That's what my afterlife thing's gonna be about. You know, I actually don't think it's going to be that bad because I am a big believer that either you just dead like that poor mouse or the Arsenio hall reboot of the talk show She's Dead. Did I Just wake my daughter up. I can hear her downstairs, but she always wakes up this time anyways. It's amazing when you're a parent, the second your kid stirs in the crib, you wake up, up. I'm still not getting eight hours sleep. It's probably why I'm talking about this mouse right now at 5:47 in the morning, Pacific coast time. Yeah, I think either you're dead or you just kind of show up and God's just like, yeah, sorry about that. You know, it's just a big experiment. I just, you know, I wanted to create a bunch of things that destroy each other. I mean, that's what happens if you do watch those nature shows. The level of fucking murder that goes on out in nature just all the time. Does anybody die of old age? Like, die a natural death in nature? I think, like, elephants do, but even then, they're trying to walk back to that place that they remember. And I know they're always hyping up elephants about everything that they remember. It's like, I get it, I get it. They're smart, okay? I get it. There's 30,000 fucking muscles in their goddamn nose. I'm just with you. You gotta love Element elephants. You know, rhinos and hippos are the cunts of elephants. You know what I mean? I can feel like an elephant, you kind of got a shot as long as that kid's not around. Like, an elephant just kind of looks over at you and it's just like, all right, man, you know, keep. Keep your distance, Everything's cool. And rhinos and, like, hippopotamuses, those things are. Did I say rhinos and elephants are the cunts of the elephants? Did I say that earlier? Did I say rhinos and hippos? Hippos, I don't even know. It's early. Rhinos and hippos are the cunts of elephants. You know what I mean? Little short. They didn't get the long nose right? Just one of those guys coming out playing pickup hockey, a pickup hoop, and just taking it way too seriously. And you just instinctively try to stay away from them before they blow your knee out. Ever watch one of those animal videos when, like, the hippo is, like, chasing after the boat, going under the water, coming out of the water, coming under the water, coming out of the water. It's like, how the. Is it producing that speed? It's a tub of shit. It's got a giant head. It's not aerodynamic whatsoever, and it's got those little short legs. I Think it's doing the butterfly. It's definitely not doggy paddling. When it gets going, it's got to be doing the butterfly. It's got to be front legs forward, you know, and then both legs at the same time. And then thrusting back. Like a hippos. Like that fat kid at the pool who won't always goes into the pool with his shirt on. Right? The fat kid and the fucking redhead like me. I don't know why I never thought to do that. I would just take the fucking side. Sunburn. It's going to turn into color later. Is it, Bill? That or skin cancer. Anyways, how about those New England Patriots number one offense and the lowest rated defense? I don't know about you guys, but I think that spells success in January. I'd have to look at the numbers and see how. Just see how they've been doing over the last if. The last few weeks, if they've been letting up less points, you know, like, God knows we got the shit kicked out of us. Not even. It was just the final quarter and a half. We got the shit kicked out of us by the Kansas City Chiefs, okay? And everyone was going like, holy shit, Brady is old. Here comes Kansas City. And now look what happened. Kansas City just lost to the. Fuck New York Giants. The lowly New York Giants. Whoever thought you would say that? All right, Patriot schedule results. Yeah. 2014. That's what I want to see. 2017.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Jake the Snake]

What?

[Bill Burr]

What in God's name is. The hell scores are these? All right, here we go. What the hell's going on with Kansas City? Like, how many fucking times can you do this to your fan base? How many times can you get these fucking people excited only to turn around and just shit the bed? I don't understand it. All right, preseason, Preseason. Preseason. All right, we gave up 42 points to the Jets. Then we gave up 20 points to the Saints. 33 to the Texans, 33 to the Panthers, 14 to the Buccaneers, 17 to the jets, seven to the Falcons, 13 to the Chargers. All right, we're doing all right here. Sixteen to the Broncos, but they stink. And eight to the Raiders. All right, I think we're all right then. I thought I overheard that stat yesterday, that we were last in team defense. It's nice to actually see us get pressure on the quarterback. I felt bad for Derek Carr, though. Jesus Christ. I don't know if the. The Raiders have been dropping as many passes as Tony Romo was suggesting, but how great is Tony Romo in the broadcast booth, the guy Knows the game and he's not afraid to on people. I love it. I feel like he's doing everything that people think Chris Collinsworth is doing. And Chris Collinsworth I thought was always fair. I'll tell you right now, the Patriots are just not getting it done on defense. Like I always felt. As much as it was annoying to hear, like, I know Chris, I'm watching the game. He can't get mad because the guy's right. On the other hand, Tony Romo just takes shots at guys. It's hilarious. Like when they were sitting there saying how Tom Brady is the only player to ever throw a touchdown pass in three different countries being the United States of America, England, and now Mexico. So Tony Romo goes, yeah, you know what that means. He's a great quarterback and he's really old. You know what I loved about that? It was funny listening to somebody make fun of Tom Brady. And then it was also funny knowing that you could just hear Tony Romo bitching to his girlfriend about how much attention fucking Tom Brady was getting, you know what I mean? As he was trying to be a Dallas Cowboy quarterback, which God knows, you know, there's no fucking, I don't know, whatever, whatever. No good deed goes unpunished when you're a quarterback for that team. Forget the fact that Tony Roma had like 11 quarterback coaches in like 10 seasons or whatever, however long he was there, you know, I bet he was just going like, oh, you know, every fucking thing I do in this fucking one horse goddamn town that thinks that this giant city just gets scrutinized. Oh, but Tom Brady, oh, he's so fucking good looking. Hey, I'm just as good looking as that guy, right? You know, he's thinking all of that, so it's fun listening to on people. I thought it was funny when he made fun of Deion Sanders, and then Deion Sanders, who was so above the conversation, took the time to on him back. I enjoy all of that. Anyways, Hi. Hey, by the way, how great were the Mexican fans behind the way, you know, I know a lot of Americans flew down there. Well, I guess we're all Americans, right? We're all part of North America. All people from the United States of the Americas flew down for those games, but. And the Raiders are the perfect team down there, if I wasn't mistaken. I thought I heard the Patriots getting booed down there, which made me feel great. Nice to know we get respect down there too. And I don't know, I thought it was a great game. I am a Little concerned though, considering we lost Andrews, our center, and then we. Nick, not Nick Cannon. Marcus Cannon is out. And then the backup to Marcus Cannon also has gone down. So I don't know who the fuck we play next week, but I tell you right now, these Patriots, their offensive line better get healthy or that's gonna spell nothing but trouble come January. Hang on. It's. My daughter's still. Jesus Christ. I think I'm waking her up. She's still downstairs making noise. I got to talk even quieter. I'm sorry. I'll turn up the volume. I'll turn everything up. There we go. Why don't you use the volume build to your advantage? All right, I'm going to whisper for the rest of this, I swear to God. The first whispered podcast ever. I'm not going to do that to you.

[Bill Byrd]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

I would never do that to you. All right, let's talk about some more bullshit. I watched my first Bruins game and my in a half of two Celtics games for the first time this year. First of all, who are these 2017, 2018 Boston Celtics. I barely recognized anybody's face, but all I can tell you this is we're fucking young as shit, okay? We got Jason Tatum. This kid's like 20 years old. We got Brown, who I think they were saying is 20 years old. That's our start. In our starting five, we got Al Horford. You know, he's like the Zidane Ochara of the team. We got. Mark is smart, he's still on the team. And I don't know who the else. We got some other guy on there. And all I know is we beat the Golden State World warriors and. And they barely scored any points against us. I forget what the final score was, but like, both teams were like in the 80s anyways. All I know, if it was under a hundred, we made the warriors play our game. We slowed it down, okay? And God knows if you can beat the Golden State warriors in November, November, what's going to happen come January? I'll tell you right now. The Celtics won one game against the Warriors. Does this mean they're going to sweep them in a seven game series? They're going to start doing that shit. I obviously think the warriors are still too strong. I think we. I think we have a better head coach than Brad Stevens. But I also think we still have to get past LeBron James and the Cavaliers first. I just said, I forget who the other coach guy was. It's the guy from the trade there with the plastic mask. Kyrie Irving. I'm very excited to watch them. I watched my first Bruins game of this year, and I watched the stinkeroo against the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. I think we beat the Kings the next night, and I missed the game against the San Jose Sharks, but I think Brad Marchand is coming back. But we're pretty. We're pretty banged up right now. Whatever. It's good to be banged up this time of year rather than the end of the year, because that's when you play for the trophy.

[Ms. Pat]

There.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry. Listen, I think she went back to sleep. All right, cool. Jesus Christ. How much quieter can you fucking talk? These damn kids. I swear to God, they spoiled brats. They spoiled brats. Dude, what the is going on with the Kansas City Chiefs? I don't get these guys. I just don't get it. Now the Saints are coming on, but when the Saints come marching in, they got Drew Brees and they have a running game. I actually looked up yesterday, my daughter fell asleep on my chest, right? And it's just like, all right, rookie move, rookie move. I should have had to fall asleep on the bed. And then I could have got up and got on with my life. Life for 50 to 90 minutes. So she's sleeping on my chest, and I'm just like, well, how do I. How do I make this time productive? And I realized on inside the NFL how little I know about the players in the league. I mean, I was already working too hard on F is for family. Now I got the kid. I barely know anybody. So I started looking up the starting quarterbacks of every team, trying to see how many I could name. All right, see, here we go. I swear to God, I don't have them in front of me. I'm gonna try to remember as many as I can. Okay? Tom Brady, the greatest of all time, up there in New England, playing in Foxborough. And you got Tyrod Taylor in Buffalo. I don't give a who his backup is. I'm not going to waste my time memorizing a backup's name, all right? Until. Until they do something. Until they win the job. The jets have Josh McCown, Eli Manning, the Patriot Killer. The Eagles got who? Carson Wentz, and then the alias Joe Flacco, the name you give to the cops. What's your name? Joe. Joe what? Joe Flacco. Oh, then who the do the Redskins have? You like that? You like that? Whatever his name is, there's like 20 Carsons. I feel he's another guy with a C name. It's not cunt. Cam Newton. Then Jacksonville has Blake Bortles, Jameson Winston in Tampa Bay, and then Jay Cutler, Matty Ice in Atlanta, Drew Brees at the Saints, Marcus Merryweather. Is it the Titans? I couldn't name any of these. I just tried. I'm trying to test my brain here. All right? Then you go to the Bengals. You got the fucking. The redhead there, all right, the giant ginger Andy Dalton with the hipster haircut mocking my hairline. And then the Browns, one of the great names in of all sports have. DeShawn Kaiser. I love that name. Is he a black guy? Is. Is. Is he fucking celebrating Hitler's birthday? You don't know? I don't know. Kaiser just sounds like a fucking German officer to me. I don't know why. All right, and what do you got? You got that guy out there from the Lions. What the fuck's his name? Tommy Hilfiger. I don't know why that name just popped in my head. Come on, man. This one got one of the best. Eric Hipple. The fuck do they have? I just went blank on his name. Andrew Luck is with Indianapolis. I know they got that dude from NC State backing him up. Aaron Rodgers. I know he's hurt. My ribs still feel why he's hurt. I don't know who the Vikings have. The Bears have some guy, Mitchell fucking Trubisky or some fucking thing. Alex Smith. Smith. Zach Prescott. The Texans. Who the do they got? I know there's some fantasy football people just rattling what they got. That kid from Clemson who got hurt and then Denver. I always forget that guy's name. Some regular name. And his last name is like oscillation or some. I don't know who the fucking Cardinals have. The LA Rams have. The fuck is his name? Jared Goff, Philip Rivers, Derek Carr. And then this one killed me. C.J. beat hard, Jack Off, Murder your meat, whatever his fucking last name is. And then he got Russell Wilson. See us? Not bad. That wasn't bad. Now ask me to name all the receivers. I can't name anybody. That's what I knew. I realized when I was inside the NFL that I'm going to bore you guys to death trying to fucking get caught.

[Bill Byrd]

Back up.

[Bill Burr]

You know what me over is when I stop collecting football cards. I'd love to get back into it, but they won't. They won't just let you buy a whole set, you know? At least they wouldn't last time I tried to collect, like 10 years ago. I think I'm going to have to give in and start playing fantasy football. Football Or I'm just not going to know anybody. All right? I need to promote some things here. I'm doing a benefit tonight at the Laugh Factory in Long Beach. If you want to come down and watch me do a headlining set and a wonderful comedy club and watch all of the money go to go to the victims of the hurricane out there in Puerto Rico, please come down. There's some tickets left. All right? That club has not been doing the greatest job promoting this show, all right? So please come down. I'll do a meet and greet afterwards. I'll shake your hand, I'll sign you tits, whatever the hell you want me to do. But I'll ask you first before I sign your tits, before I get in trouble. Oh, also. Jesus Christ. Oh. All things comedy. We got our new website up, redesigned it and all that type of stuff. I could. I couldn't find the TV shows that we've made yet. Those things should be coming up soon, too, so please check that out. Allthingscomedy.com and now for some sad news. Not even sad, just an amazing life. Malcolm Young of ACDC passed away. And all the football I watched yesterday in the NFL, I was a little perturbed. I was a little annoyed that there wasn't any sort of tribute to Malcolm Young, considering. Considering he's arguably the greatest rock and roll rhythm guitarist of all time. He's written so many classic riffs, all of those ACDC albums, and there's like four or five that are just absolute masterpieces. They're all great. But he has five masterpieces, all right? As much as I love Pink Floyd, as much as I love Led Zeppelin, I mean, they're right there with them. Masterpiece. Highway to Hell. Masterpiece. Back in Black. Masterpiece. Let the B Rock Masterpiece. Power Age Masterpiece. Flick of the Switch. Masterpiece. All right? And if you don't think they are, it's because you're not. You don't know. You know, you don't know what the. You're about talking. Talking about. I even like for those about the rock, everybody was all fucking. This isn't as good as Back in Black. Shut the fuck up. Anyways, I would have thought the NFL would have done something. For how many years have they been playing Hell's Bells and Thunderstruck and all that, getting their stadiums all amped up? And how many years did his band, you know, then come back on tour and sell out those same football stadiums? How much money has the NFL? You know, that's a great partnership. They're made off of that band. And during the off season when they try to have soccer in their stadiums and the fucking place is half full, who comes in to save the day? Fucking Malcolm Young with his band, acdc and some of the greatest riffs of all fucking time. You know, I was lucky enough to see him. How many times did I see him? I think I saw him three times. I saw him in 86 on the WHO made who tour, on the Heat Seeker tour. I saw his nephew who's now in the band. Then I saw them. Oh, I think I only saw him twice. Then I saw him on Black Ice. I've seen ACDC three times and I saw him on the Black Ice tour. That was the last time I saw him. And he's just the coolest, greatest, yeah, rock and roll rhythm guitarist of all time. Just the way they would they build a song. I was listening to Livewire, you know, Only he could just make those chords sound so fucking evil. And the way he builds them, it still gives me chills. Tnt, I don't know, there's just too many. Overdose. The way that song builds. I know everybody knows, the classics Gone Shooting, the whole Second side of Power Ridge, Down Payment Blues, all of that stuff, it's just absolute giant. I don't know, I thought, did Google do a tribute to him? I mean that's the level of guy that, that passed away here. But anyway, anyways, thanks to him and his genius and that unbelievable. That was my band growing up. I was actually laughing, listening to all the music. I wasn't really even like sad that he was gone because I think he lived like such an amazing life. And I was just thinking of all the fucking classes that I flunked in high school and how depressed I was, how stupid I thought I was. And then I would just go out and I would get in my piece of truck and I would turn it on and pop in that cassette. And then I would just go into fantasy world that I was in their band and knew how to play guitar. And then I would instantly be in a good mood again. And I used to always sing on multiple choice tests that I knew I was flunking and I was just guessing and I was running out of time. That Bon Scott LA lyric, I don't even remember what song it's from that Take a chance while you still got the choice. Rock and roll Damnation, that song would be playing in a loop as I was guessing. I forget what I got on my se sats, but I got like a 300 something combined. And I'm gonna tell you I tried. I took a prep course. I did everything, and I just fucking shit the bed on it. And I'd love to tell you people that had a major effect on my life, but it didn't. Anyways, let's read some. So rest in peace, Malcolm Young. There's never going to be another one like you. That's it. Him. I always thought. He always thought he. Malcolm Young and Phil Rudd with two. The two coolest guys in the band. That was it right there. Those two guys, Malcolm and Phil Rudd, sitting there with the cigarette dangling out of his mouth, just crushing it. I think even Billy Joel said, you know, that was the greatest live band he's ever seen. Speaking of which, has anybody had the Howard Stern interview with Billy Joel? Jesus. Amazing. What a talent. There's a guy I've go see live. I can't believe I've never seen that guy live. I was such a douche in the 80s. If you didn't have a guitar, I just thought you were the biggest ever. I watch this guy playing his piano. Did your parents pay for that? Your recital? Meanwhile, he's this total badass.

[Bill Byrd]

I never underst.

[Bill Burr]

This is such a bad thing to say, but I never realized how talented and what a badass Billy Joel was. I honestly didn't really even pay attention to the guy until he started getting hammered, driving his car into the fucking fronts of people's houses. You know, I remember when he was singing, like, Uptown Girl and all that type of shit. That was an Uptown Girl. What was that song where. One of those songs where he was singing like, you know, he was in love with this girl across the track, like, he was this badass guy, and he's just like, dude, you're this little Jewish guy playing fucking piano. That's about as safe as it gets. You're a model citizen. That's what I thought. I didn't realize. And he starts getting hammered, driving his car into people's houses, and just trying to sit down and eat dinner. And I was like, oh, you know what? I guess he is from the other side of the tracks. Gotta love a booze hunt. All right. Speaking of which, I'm 95 miserable days in, and I was hanging out with these two alcoholics this weekend who are now clean, and they're both sitting there going, yeah, you know, I don't miss it. I don't miss it. I was just like, oh, yeah, I do. I do. All right, that's it. Okay, let's get into the questions here. For this week. I really apologize for the whispering. But what do you. What do you want from me? All right, Malcolm. Every, everybody, Bill, if you read this, please refer to me as Steve. Okay? Steve reads. I don't know why. I'll never understand why my friends gave me such a hard time for attending the ACDC show in Madison, Wisconsin in 2001. Being a high school sophomore, ACDC with a. As far as I was concerned. But at the same time I didn't give a about top 40 and let my classmates know they had shit taste. ACDC never let up. The most hardworking band of the last 30 years. They never let down their fans. I just queued up if you want blood. Oh, what a song that is. The drums are insane in that perfect drum beat. Everything is just the. He said there's nothing better. Oh, unless you're talking about the live album. It's another amazing thing. When I actually went to Glasgow, Scotland, I looked up the theater because I wanted to go in there where they recorded. Recorded that. And thing doesn't exist anymore. Anyways, wanted to keep this short. Hope you're well, you freckled cunt. All right, I don't know what. You didn't really ask a question, but I share your opinions on AC DC and I've already talked about that. All right, all right. Front flipping robot. I actually saw that. Hey there, Billy 2000. Did you see the video of the extremely agile robot robot that was going around last week? Yeah, it was kind of looked like a white dude doing flips. Okay.

[Bill Byrd]

Man.

[Bill Burr]

Bill, this thing is legit. It's the first robot machine that I've ever seen where I thought, I cannot disarm this. Oh, yeah, it's total Robocop. Even with the extreme flames or large amount of water, I think it could kill me first. You're right about all this robot. No one is going to be scared enough to stop this. Also, if we didn't make robots that could fight, wouldn't we just be sending our guys into. Wait. Also, if we didn't make robots that could fight, wouldn't we just be sending our guys in to fight Russian or Chinese robots? Now you just went the exact opposite way.

[Bill Byrd]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

This is how human beings we. Out of fear and just the seduction of power, we just keep making these things. It would be great if somehow we could all just get on the same page, you know, so we wouldn't do this type of. To each other. Because this is. Yeah, it's not. It's not going to end well. It really isn't. But we're never Going to get on the same page. Painters. So I, you know what I do? I just sort of give in to the fact that we're doomed to destroy ourselves. All right? And I have to think a robot death has to be a quick death. I would like to think that the Illuminati, who is making these things to replace all of us, because they totally fit the bill for everything the Illuminati wants, which is basically slow slaves. Do what we say, do whatever we say whenever we say it. And what have we said for years? Like we, like, what are we? Robots? And what did the Illuminati do? Robots. And they went out and they made the things. I just want to talk to all the nerds out there and everybody who thinks these nerds are harmless. These are fucking, fucking egghead nerds who are so smart that they are going to destroy us because they are listening to the fucking sociopaths of society. The people who are in power and they go out and they make these fucking things for them. You stupid nerd cunts. I mean, what do you do if you're held captive by a real robot? You just have to wait till the thing powers down and just hope you can find a screwdriver and just start unscrewing and just ripping out wires. But you know what they're going to do? They're going to make these robots like the ones that are designed to kill all of us. They're going to make them out of like the same material as that door on the cockpit of a plane that nobody can get into. That's what it's going to be unless you have the codes, man. Yeah, that's all, that's all scary shit. And back when I was just a fucking guy who was married and I didn't have a kid, it wasn't as scary because I was already thinking like, you know what? I've had a great fucking life. I really have done all kinds of stuff. I got to made a dream come true. Becoming a comedian. Everything else has been gravy. I got a great way wife. This, this is the kind of, that I think that when I see robots, I'm like, you know, I've had a great life. When that thing comes in and just grabs me by the throat and just crushes my windpipe, that's what I'm going to be thinking. I'm going to be thinking, this robot, as much as it's killing me right now, is never going to know joy. It's just going to know inputs anyways. That's What I'm going to say to the robot.

[Bill Byrd]

Robot.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. At least I know what happiness feels like. Temp robot gets all mad, Shut the up. But if it could feel anger, then I could feel joy. All right, sorry. Okay. MMP Advice. A lady requests your advice on men.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

Hi, Bill. How are you? I love your work, especially your specials and your, mm, podcast advice. I learned a lot from your advice about the male point of view. That's really. I feel like there's a lot of layers to that compliment, and I would be grateful for your insight. All right. I don't know why you're listening to me, but, okay, here we go. I have no background whatsoever other than failing a lot. All right? No professional background. I am a happily married woman with a toddler baby girl. Oh, isn't that the best? And I'm currently pregnant with another girl. He hit the lottery twice. I am writing you. I'm writing to you because by listening to you, it seems that in general, you feel that women have the upper hand in life. However, I disagree. Well, yeah, the grass is always greener, sweetheart. That is one thing that I always. I do ask feminists, I say to them, is there any scenario, is there even one scenario where you can think that, hey, you know, as far as men and women go in this scenario, it's good to be a woman. They can't do that because their whole business model falls to the fucking ground every fucking scenario. It's so much harder for us. Is it? Everything out there is harder for a woman. Then why do you outlive us? If your life is really that much more difficult than mine, why do you outlive a man on average by like, 8 to 10 years? Let me guess. Because the man is doing something wrong? Blame the victim, ladies. The exact thing you don't want done to yourself. You ever think that maybe you have something to do with it? Here's a classic one. You know when my wife leaves the house, you know what I think? I think, cool, I got the house to myself, right? When I leave the house, you know what my wife thinks? What? Can I now text him and tell him to go out and go get me? What can I add? He's out there having fun. Let me add a fucking errand to it. Hey, can you go to Trader Joe's? Could you just go to Trader Joe's really quick, quickly, the Saturday before Thanksgiving, and wade into that Black Friday food mosh pit? Sorry, that was my Yesterday. Anyways, I disagree. I think men have the upper hand in general, especially when it comes to job prospects, salary, and sexual aggressions. Oh, Jesus Christ, here we go again. What is sexual aggression mean? I don't even know what the that means. I would agree with job prospects and salary, but I think the biggest problem women have is you guys don't go out and start enough businesses. You keep coming working for men. We've been you over since day one. At what point are you going to become self sufficient? And I feel like I'm not just going. I'm not like being like, do as I say, not as I do. That's what I did in this business. I am self sufficient in this business. If this business took everything away from me, I can still be a stand up comedian and do my podcast. I'm completely self employed. Those two things make me the most amount of money and I can easily live off either of those.

[Bill Byrd]

Those.

[Bill Burr]

I got a TV show. I have a cartoon called F is for Family. But I was never dumb enough to be like, well, I got a TV show now and quit standup comedy like I saw so many comedians do, because eventually your show goes off the air and those residual checks dwiddle down to like, you know, I get residual checks routinely for like under $3. So I'm trying to say this to empower you, but, you know, quit your fucking whining, all right? There's all these studies out there that clearly show that women are smarter than men. So if you're smarter than us, then you can build a better mousetrap. So get together with some of your smart lady friends and start a fucking business. But for the love of God, quit your fucking whining. Everybody out there is eating a giant shit sandwich. Now granted, there might be less shit in my sandwich than yours, but make no mistake, it's still a shit sandwich.

[Bill Byrd]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

But there's nothing stopping you from picking out the bread because when you do start your own business, you're going to work more than you ever worked. That whole thing where it's like, I will start my business and then I will delegate gate and it will run on its own and I'll sit on a yacht. Yeah, and they will rob you blind anyways. Sexual aggressions. All right? But you, I think you guys make up more than make up for sexual aggressions, whatever the that means. Is that sexual assault? Are we talking about? We're the ones who have to have an opening line. I think you guys more than make it up with divorce court aggressions, okay? And your whole thing where, you know, I wish that women could just beat the out of guys instead of just taking every. Because an ass kicking. It's like, you know, a week of Epsom salt. You go to the dentist, you can put it behind you. All right? But when a woman kicks. Kicks your ass and just they, you know, they just take everything. Everything. The house, the kids, your guitar collection, your car, whatever the you collect that you love, they're going to make you sell that. Not even because they need the money, just because they know it's going to put another hole in your heart. All right? So there you go. So here we go. I'm going to play my little violin. As I listen to the rest of this, I agree with George Carlin, my hero, when he said 99% of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated, enabled or continued by men. Yeah, absolutely. But that's only because women haven't been given an opportunity to show how out of their minds they are. I gotta be honest with you. I don't understand why to compliment a woman you have to trash men anyways. He says, and in the course of lives, compared with men, women have far more to put up with. They bear greater burdens. Extra spoonfuls of shit. Oh boy. I don't 100% agree with that. I also agree with Louis CK that men are the number one threat to women. Men are the number one cause, cause of injury and mayhem to women, and men are the worst thing that ever happens to women. Yeah, but you can say that right back to about women to men. No one can destroy a man's life like a woman. Look at all of these powerful men who. Who ascend the mountaintop. And what brings them down? Marrying the wrong woman will your life over worse than cancer. Anyways. I do not. I do not know any woman who has not been in some way physically and emotionally assaulted and minimalized by men. I don't know any guy out there who's dated a woman and hasn't had his heart stepped on. See, what you're doing here, sweetheart, is you're just looking out your own head, okay? There's the yin and the yang. Okay? I don't know. I've never seen a happier woman out there than when she actually meets a great man and vice versa. There's a positive way to look at this. And in this age where they're just constantly trashing men and where you can just hashtag white male trash, which is you're combining or racism and sexism and you're being called a hero about It, I, I don't get it. Unless you're just going to fight fire with fire. I don't know. So anyways, I would like to teach my daughters to defend themselves from physical aggression and belittling comments from men. Now this I agree with. Yeah, it's called mma. Get your kid involved in mixed martial arts. Get your kid involved, involved in sports. Big believer in that. However, I do not, do not want to make them biased against men as I want to raise confident, polite women who view men as their equal but know when to defend themselves when necessary. Well, I got to be honest with you, if you look at the millennial generation, they've turned Manhattan into bed, Bath and Beyond. The vibe, I mean, older generations literally turned it into a giant bed, Bath and beyond. But like, I mean, I never thought I'd say this, but I feel like the stand up scene is better in LA than it is in New York. Just as far as the groan factor, I get way more groans in New York City. It's unreal. Anyways, you had a dollar recently and I would love to know your opinion on what you will say to your daughter about defending themselves without making them psychotic or biased against men. Because of the news, the MeToo movement, the wage gap, and my own personal experiences, unfortunately, I find myself more and more enraged with the opposite sex. Yeah, that's because you're just being inundated with these fucking images. It's also why you probably think everybody in the Middle east is a terrorist because that's all they're showing. You know, social media is a massive failure and there's all these studies coming out now that show that it actually, it, you know, it makes you angry, it makes you depressed. It's not a good thing anyways. And I certainly do not want to to pass that on to my daughter under any circumstances. I have talked to my husband a little bit about this, but I do not want to tell him the extent of my disappointment in the male species because I plan to stay with them for the rest of my life. I would love to know your opinion and especially your defense of men so that I have a different point of view and a more balanced opinion of men that I can pass on to my daughter when I grow up. Thank you very much. P.S. i am from Spain and I apologize for any question grammatical or spelling errors as my English is not my native language. Well, first of all, Like the way that you wrote all of this and just sitting there, you didn't say one good thing that men do. And even trashing Men to the level that you do. You're still playing the victim here. And I have to sit here and do some tap dance for you to try to figure out why your fucking life is actually also great because of men. Go fuck yourself. It's not my job to not make you a sexist cunt. All right, I get it. You hate men. What am I gonna do? Evidently you don't like central air conditioning, heat, all modes of transportation, meditation, modern medicine, fucking, some of the greatest music ever produced. I mean, we have done some good things out there. Jesus Christ. A couple of flashes and a few thousand fucking wars and all of a sudden all your good deeds are just gone. I don't know what to tell you. All I can tell you is I feel bad for your daughter and I feel really bad for your husband that you bake basically don't like men. I gotta be honest, as much as I trash women, I realize that most of my shit is fear based because I grew up with a bunch of men that feared women. And then I also got into this business where most of us get divorced. Divorced. And I watched so much go down that is really fucked up. And it's just. Everybody just looks the other way. But having said that, the older I get, the more I realize.

[Bill Byrd]

How wrong.

[Bill Burr]

I was about women. All right, having said that, now I'm not watching, walking down the street, not having my guard up either. You know, I am a big believer is you should let. If you're a nice person, if you're a good person, you have to let people earn the fact that you're a nice person. You just don't give that away. Because when you're a really nice person who's open minded, you become a psycho magnet. And some of the worst people ever are really going to come into your life because. Because they need someone as nice and as forgiving because everybody else is not going to put up with their bullshit. But a lot of shit that I've said about women has been 100% in the wrong. And I understand that.

[Bill Byrd]

So.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, you kind of sound like where I was at about 10 years ago with the opposite sex. And you're also kind of making yourself out to be a human hero. I don't know.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

When I see guys on stage trashing men like that, I always just think they're just trying to get laid.

[Bill Byrd]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

This whole thing, oh, man, done this, man done that. Yeah, they have. We also done a lot of great things too. We Also have done a lot of great things too, okay? And at the end of the day. Day. To always be talking about women as victims and in these victim positions is not empowering to women. All right? To just sit around and just say, all of my problems are because of a male dominated society, like, where is that going to get? And then your solution is to just about men and then hashtag white male trash as white male trash here. I can tell you we're not having any meetings concerned about any of that shit. You're just fucking talking to other women that believe the same way you do, okay? In life, if you want to get out of your situation, you have to fucking take control of it, all right? If you don't like working for men, start your own thing, all right? I don't like working for other people. That's why I do this and this is why I do. Stand up and we'll continue to do that. So you always have to have that ability to be like, well, that's the deal you're offering me. Yeah, I don't want it. Go fuck yourself. And you walk away. So what would you do for your daughter? I would. First of all, I would not give her probably 90% percent of your negative opinions on men because she'll become a man hater. But it's your kid, if that's what you want. And I would, I don't know, if I was running, I would secretly teach every woman out there mix martial arts and, and then that Israeli martial arts where you disarm people that have weapons happens. You know that thing where they got a gun in your face and you, that little flat move and all of a sudden you're holding the gun, pointing it at them. Yeah, that type of. I would also tell your daughter to never go back to a hotel room with a guy ever, ever, ever. Guys do not want to talk to you. If guys want to talk, they go hang out with the fellas, okay? They're trying to find you. That's it. And hey, let's go back to hotel room. Just talk. That's just part of him trying to get you back there. I don't know. I feel bad for your husband. That's all I can tell you because I just inserted myself into that things. It's like, oh my God, you know, you didn't say one positive thing about men and you just wrote a giant. There wasn't one positive thing in there. And. And the worst thing about where we're at right now as human beings is you would be complimented on that. And you would be called strong. And that's the direction that we're headed in, you know. And you know what? I don't dictate it. So I don't know, I guess mix martial arts and I teach her how to run a business. And along the way, you know, if you don't know how to do that, I would learn that. That too. So you don't have to work for men. For the record, men treat other men like too, by the way. And that whole feminist idea that if a guy's a dick that he gets respect, like, is the stupidest thing ever. No one likes a dick. No one wants to work for a dick. And everybody secretly hopes the guy crashes on the way home. Hey, you know what I loved about my boss? He treated me like. And I don't know why, I just really respected him. Nobody likes being treated like that. Is something a woman made up because it fit that argument and everybody ran with it. Yeah. If you're acting like an, you're an all right, Joe Rogan is going to get you killed. The Is this all right, Bill Burr? On the podcast 1116 17, you said, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I can eat this much meat. Oh God, here we go. Here's another nutritionist with no background whatsoever is now going to tell me Everything that I watch is now bullshit, right? Is that where this is going? Okay. Because you can't. Bill, I know you love. I. I know you love your buddy Joe Rogan. However, your buddy, the self proclaimed contrary conspiracy theorist. So am I. Is dead wrong about nutrition. All that meat and animal saturated facts will line your arteries with disease laden plaque. Do not eat this stuff in abundance. Minimize it. Forget the notion of moderation too. That's all horseshit. This is. This right here. This. I'm telling you, they're like religious nuts. All of it is horseshit. Explain the French then in their rich diet and their lack of heart disease over there. Listen, there's elements of truth in everything. And the second you're going to sit there and tell me that your diet is the diet, it's all horseshit. The bulk of your calories should be from beans, peas and legumes, vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds, and whole grains, crushed water. And eat your salads as per usual, of course, but add walnuts, pumpkin seeds, blueberries, mushrooms, potatoes, sweet potatoes and greens to your daily routine as well as countless other whole foods of your choice. Minimalize all oils, processed foods. Who doesn't know about processed foods? Meats dairy and eggs. I don't care where the fuck they come from. Like Rogan's elk from the mountains of gods or wherever the fuck he has hunts. Go to nutritionfacts.org now, did you vet nutritionfacts.org do you know where this came from? For all published nutritional science in all the esteemed peer reviewed worldwide reviewed worldwide medical journals and science papers? Yeah, buddy, they have blood money behind them. Okay, I'm not saying it's all but there is an element of in there. The food industry lines those people's pockets. He said forget the nonsense from the media advertising in these pseudoscience pushing fruitcakes like Rogan. I know he mean well, he means well, but he's wrong. Look at the works of Dr. Joel Fuhrman, Dr. Michael Greger, Dr. John McDougal, Dr. Dean Ornish, Dr. Cosmic. I can't read this guy's name. Eliston and others. Just looking out for you, buddy. Hey, tell you what, thanks for looking out for me. I'm gonna do what the I've been doing anyways because I have low blood pressure. You know, I'm doing fine and I'm keeping the weight off, all right? I'm not gonna just sit there eating two handfuls of bacon, all right? But you know, and I'm also not going to just eat a plant based diet. I'm not doing that. I'm going to continue to do what the I'm doing because it's working for me. And with all due respect, sir, at no point there did you say you were any sort of nutritionist. You just read a bunch of that made sense to you, all right? And then you also went to like, you went to like the mainstream thing and that mainstream thing has a bunch of money behind it, okay? From people in the food industry that want to sell the food that they grow. So that place is also naturally perverted or corrupt. I'm not saying it's all, but there is an element of. Would you not agree in that. There's elements of in every thing, including this goddamn podcast. So don't listen to me either. All right, here's the last one here. Accidentally killed girlfriend's cat. Don't know what to do. Billy Choed. That's something I never found funny, that word chod. There's like a certain portion of like part of the country that thinks that that's a funny word, which I believe is like a short fat dick. Got myself in into a little bit of a moral dilemma. I'd appreciate some advice. My girlfriend of Seven months, has an outdoor cat who was really smart and could always find her way back home. Anyways, you can probably see where this is going.

[Bill Byrd]

Where?

[Bill Burr]

I can see where it's going. In the title, he said you accidentally killed your girlfriend's cat. I'm driving to her place, less than a block away, not really watching the road, and I hit the fuck. Thing died on impact, practically in two pieces. Hey, that's all we can all pray for, huh? A quick death. I hit the thing, all right, but my girl had this cat for some four years and has a serious emotional attachment. I'm not trying to be the asshole who killed her cat. So I had a couple of sturdy plastic bags in my car, a towel and a water bottle. Sounds like you just came from the gym in a 7:11. And without getting into the gritty details, within 10 minutes looked like nothing ever happened. I chucked it into a dumpster a few blocks away.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh, God.

[Bill Burr]

Get. Get a car wash to be extra cautious and drive back to her place. So it's been two weeks and I haven't told you. Told her she's freaking. Posted at least 30 missing cat photos all around the neighborhood and anywhere even remotely nearby. Crying and all of that. It's messing with my conscience and our sex life. There's. There you go.

[Bill Byrd]

There you go.

[Bill Burr]

You selfish bastard. I feel like if she knows it's dead, Zo, she'll be able to move on. But also, with me covering it up for so long.

[Bill Byrd]

Long.

[Bill Burr]

I'd be in a good bit of trouble, so to say the least. Help me out here on what I should do. Yeah, dude, the. The SS Coming Clean. That ship sailed. That ship sailed right after you cleaned up the crime scene and threw it in a dumpster. Here's what you did do. You don't say a word. You don't say a word. It's over, dude. It's over. There's no. You let her cry for two weeks, and you knew that.

[Bill Byrd]

It's over.

[Bill Burr]

And then also, you have to. You got to ask yourself, am I going to marry this person? All right, here's the deal. If you're going to marry this person, don't ever tell it, all right? If you don't want to marry this person, you got to do a two. You got to do a two for one here, all right? You have to break up with her and then also tell her that you killed her cat, but not in that order. You tell her that you killed her cat, all right? And then hopefully she'll break up with You. Oh, wait, do you open with killing her cat? Oh, dude, this, this. No, I don't know. If this is around the holidays, I think you got to do it. Look, if you want to stay with her, if you love her, are you going to marry this woman? If you're going to marry this woman, don't tell her you killed her cat. If you're not going to marry a woman. You know, I don't know. I know there's a lot of people also horrified by this fucking story, but. But, like, I mean, the cat was dead. What are you supposed to do here? I mean, he should have told her, but, I mean, as far as, like, throwing the thing in the dumpster, I mean, if I die and somebody throws me in dumpster, I don't give a shit. My biggest concern is how bad I'm gonna smell up that parking lot. Other than that, I'm dead. Don't need some fancy fucking box. You know, I don't understand that when people die and they them in these. These beautiful caskets, it's like it's a piece of fruit that went bad, you know, and you're putting it on display, throw it in the trash. All right, that's disgusting. Okay, that's the end of the podcast here. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Do your cardio, eat your salads, go nuts on Thanksgiving, but hit it again right on Friday. All right, get after it. I wish I could actually meet that woman from Spain. And we could sit down and I'd talk about all my women hating, and she could talk about our guy hating. Maybe we could find a middle ground before we both up our daughters. No, I would never say anything negative about women to my daughter.

[Bill Byrd]

I would.

[Bill Burr]

All right, that's it. Go yourselves. Happy Turkey Day. And I'll check in on you on Thanksgiving. Look at that, not even taking a day off.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, I'll see what's up, everybody.

[Paul]

And welcome back to the Anything better podcast for NFL week number 12. Dude, it's over. Every time it starts, I don't even know what's going on. But I'm your host, Paul. That's your host.

[Jake the Snake]

Say that I love about a lot of things. Hey.

[Paul]

We are here. I'm in New York. Bill's over there. We got Jake the Snake on the injury report coming in soon. And of course, we can't forget the Greek freak Andrew Thomas. Before the show started, we were talking about head cases. Let me ask you this question to start the show, Bill, name a head case because, you know, I love him. You know I love Him I got. The Randy Moss is one of my favorite. The Allen Iris.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't think Randy Moss was a head case.

[Paul]

No, he had his moments, but name it.

[Jake the Snake]

I had. I don't think he was. I. I think he was misunderstood. Yeah, I wouldn't call him a head case.

[Paul]

He's one of my all time favorites. All right, but name a head case. That one in any sport. Well, baseball doesn't count because there's so many of them that. Maybe football too, but name like a. A football player or a basketball player. Head case. That one. Because it's rare. It's rare.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Paul]

Especially.

[Jake the Snake]

Not in basketball. There has been plenty of fucking. I got to send this to this guy.

[Bill Byrd]

He's asked me about this fucking coffee shop.

[Jake the Snake]

It's a very important thing to me.

[Bill Byrd]

But Paul, sorry.

[Jake the Snake]

There is so many fucking head cases that have won fucking NBA championship.

[Paul]

Ron, or test. The first one, I think is Ron Artest, Metta World Peace. He won one, right? He won a couple, yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

But him, I feel like he was like, is he a head case or is he on his own fucking? He's in his own method matrix. Because I love that guy. And at the end of the day, he delivered and he didn't take away from the team a head case. To me, I'm going to speak in code. Here goes. You got to choose between this guy and that guy. You got to get this coach out of here. I need more free agent help. Like, okay, now I just described like five people off the top of your head in the fucking NBA who have rings. That. That's how they operate.

[Paul]

All right, I think we have different definitions of head case. I'm thinking of, like the state of the coach.

[Jake the Snake]

You got to get these guys the fuck out of my way.

[Paul]

Yeah, I guess that's a head case, too. I guess there's two of them. I'm talking about the trouble guy off the field. I'm talking about.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, off the field.

[Paul]

I'm talking about the guys that were like.

[Jake the Snake]

You're talking about sending a dick pic and taking public funds to finance a volleyball. You're talking about like that. I thought you meant in the locker room part. I'm sorry. No, we're talking about two different things. Paul, you're fading away again. You're blaring out on me. I meant like that camera, dude. I swear. What do you want for Christmas? A new anything better camera?

[Paul]

Right? When he said I look crisp, too. Yeah, I'm talking About the guy that, like, dude, why is he at a nightclub the night before? Because he's good. I'm talking about the good player that does dumb. Have any of them won one?

[Jake the Snake]

What about the guy who had the Glock in his sweatpants and somehow pulled the trigger and shot himself in the leg? I have names. Didn't he win one with you guys?

[Paul]

No, that's common now. He's. He talks about all the time. That's Plaxical Burst. But he did that, I guess, after they won. But yeah, you know what? That's a great call because that's why Pittsburgh got rid of him. Pittsburgh got rid of him because they said he was a head case.

[Jake the Snake]

But is that a head case or is it just someone who didn't take a gun safety course? I don't want to do that to Plaxico. I love that guy.

[Bill Byrd]

I love.

[Paul]

Dude, Plaxico was huge for us. And he really helped Eli too.

[Jake the Snake]

100%. Yeah, dude. So did your defensive line. It's kind of funny. All these years later, Eli gets the credit for beating Belichick and the Patriots. It's like, I kind of think it was their defensive front four was. It was taking time off his spot. He wasn't comfortable, at least in 07. Dude, I thought that whole. Your whole front four, man, were. Were just. They would. He would. You were in his kitchen the whole day.

[Paul]

It's funny you said that because Ocuminora said that he looked at tape and he saw a tick that Brady had and he like, talked to the defensive team, and that was the time Brady got sacked five times, which he never did before. It. Listen, it definitely was the defensive line. Why we won. Eli didn't make mistakes.

[Jake the Snake]

Your defensive line was like super sized linebackers. They weren't fat guys trying to bull rush. These guys were Adonis's and they manhandled our offensive line.

[Paul]

Yep.

[Jake the Snake]

Yep.

[Paul]

All right, well, before we start, we got to shout out our sponsors. It's the BETMGM app. Best lines out there, guys. You know what to do. If you listen to the Anything Better show and you want to follow our show, all you got to do is grab your device right here and download the BETMGM app. You guys put in as little as $10 into the account and you.

[Bill Burr]

You.

[Paul]

You make your first bet. If you lose that first bet, you will get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets. Okay? So enjoy. Bet responsibly. And don't forget the first touchdown promo that they have going on right now. You pick any NFL player in Any NFL game to get the first touchdown of the game you win. If that person does not get the first touchdown in that game, but in fact gets the second, you get your cash back. So there you go, have a lot of fun. Bet responsibly. We are going into week number 12.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, you got that down. Dude, you were like an auctioneer. Speed on on that one.

[Paul]

Oh, dude, you know what I mean? This is what I do. I'm back.

[Jake the Snake]

Tell the people what you did last week, Paul. Tell them what you did.

[Paul]

I went, listen, I went 3 and 1 and I'm still in double digit losses. So I didn't do much. I need more. And once again, once again I get burned by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

[Jake the Snake]

But time out, time out. I want to give a shout out the fact that you didn't do this after one week of winning. Like you, you said like I love when people do they shush a crowd and they're down by 14 because they just, they scored a touchdown. It's like, dude, you're losing, dude. The Patriots played the Falcons and their wide receiver, what the fuck's his name? He's fantastic. Drake London.

[Paul]

Oh, that kid could play.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, he get like three touchdowns every time he did this. And every time they were losing and then they lost the game. Game. It's like, it's like we're winning. I'm allowed to cheer, man. I don't have anything all week. This is the one thing I got. Don't take it away from me.

[Paul]

The celebration should be when the game is clearly over and determined by that play. Period.

[Bill Burr]

Period.

[Paul]

Walk off home run, all bets are off. I mean, walk off home run, all.

[Jake the Snake]

Of that shit, dude, all of that shit is just, it's so normal now, now. But I mean when people started doing it, it was always like, yeah, it's just like self congratulatory. Paul, can you imagine killing on stage and you get an applause break and you just go like this.

[Paul]

Dude. But I will say this, I'll walk off.

[Jake the Snake]

No, no, better off. No, no bombing for fucking 10 minutes and then finally getting a fucking laugh and then shushing, shushing, shushing your heck.

[Paul]

Dude. I gotta say though, a walk off, walk off home run in the World Series for me, you do anything. Hey, my pants would be off by the time I got the home. A walk off home run to win a World Series. The guy could do Joe Carter, the.

[Jake the Snake]

Toronto Blues the way Joe Carter did it was great.

[Paul]

Yeah, jumping up and down like a little kid.

[Jake the Snake]

But that thing flipping the bat and then Saying every curse word as you look down at the dugout, it's the stupidest. Even if you're a good baseball player, seven times out of ten, you're going back to the dugout. Failing at that point. You suck. You. Why don't you do that?

[Paul]

That's the only thing about Kevin Garnett that drove me nuts. Kevin Garnett would hit like a mid range and just be backing up and going. It's like, all right, dude. It's like, come on.

[Jake the Snake]

I love Kevin. But he did do that, and it got worse. Towards the end of his career, I think he knew. I think he knew he had lost his steps, and now he's just trying to. He was trying to make up for that half a step. You lose as you get older by like, you know, with the attitude, oh, that's great. Well, and it'll lay up. What the was that? It's like, hey, man, you know, it's seven of four first quarter.

[Paul]

All right, we got. We got week 12 here. Okay. We got week 12 here. It's an. It's an even number, which means I believe it's my first pick this week.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, Paul, what? The first thing I noticed is it's week 12, and most of the spreads are greater than 12. Oh, my God. It's just a person I want to talk to. Jake. Why am I looking at 10 and a half? 13 and a half. 13 and a half even. Like, there's a bunch of six and a half a half big spreads this week of people hurt.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yes. Probably depending on which game we're looking at. The Browns Raiders game is one I'll bring up first because Shador Sanders is going to make his debut. And I'm very excited because we both went to Boulder. So I'm excited to see him out there get his first start.

[Jake the Snake]

You guys both had a big rivalry when you were there.

[Andrew Thomas]

Absolutely.

[Jake the Snake]

I heard he was a little intimidated by your swagger. Man, I don't want to start anything thing, but it's nice that you guys are friends again.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Dion was, you know, had to intervene, but. But yeah, this thing out there and then I don't know if you. I sent the video to you guys, but Jamar Chase and Jalen Ramsey got in a fight on the field. And then the NFL looked into it and realized Jamar Chase spat at. On Jalen Ramsey. So he's suspended for the Patriots game.

[Ms. Pat]

Game.

[Jake the Snake]

But there was such an odd choice.

[Andrew Thomas]

To spit on someone.

[Jake the Snake]

Somebody that is never. That has never entered my head to ever Do.

[Paul]

I had a friend spit on me, and after he spit on me, we just both started swinging. It was not. It's the most. Basically, it's over. It's the most disrespectful. It's nuts.

[Jake the Snake]

You would think, like, llamas and camels were getting the. More fistfights, the way that they. The amount of people they spit on. You ever see that you come up. I mean, even if you got to hit the thing, you got to start. You have to start swinging, Dude.

[Paul]

A camel screaming is one of the most terrifying. The camel. You see that video where the camel goes, Dude, it's horrifying.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah, I remember. Sh.

[Jake the Snake]

I can't do the obvious joke with.

[Paul]

That's okay.

[Andrew Thomas]

I was just saying. I remember Shannon Sharp was saying, like, you spit on the ground, but not a person. So you're saying. Saying the person's like, worse, you know, worse, worth less on the ground. So I don't know. That always stuck with me.

[Jake the Snake]

Written on the ground. I mean, that's sort of a classic. That's almost that. That lives in the world of. Of slapping someone with a white glove. You spit on somebody.

[Paul]

Italians and Greeks would do this thing where they would go, like. You know. Remember? Even Karen said it in Goodfellas. She would spit on a floor. I never understood. It's almost like a You, you know, but like, you know, on her own floor.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, Paul, what do you think? What do you think when someone's in a conversation with you and they accidentally spit on you and they try to play it off like they did, you should be able to slap them, Right?

[Andrew Thomas]

No accident is different than I'm intentionally spitting on.

[Paul]

Wait, so wait, is chase out?

[Jake the Snake]

No, but, you know, they see it. Then they see you go like this, and they still don't do any. What, you give them one of those.

[Paul]

Oh, dude. When somebody does that and you just go, I don't like when somebody gets it on my hand. And then I don't know if I like the person. I don't tell them. I just kind of secretly wipe it if I like them. If I don't like them, I go, whoa, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

There was a comedian I worked with a long time ago, so you ever talk to somebody? I don't know if he still does the bit, though.

[Bill Byrd]

The guy doesn't write enough, so maybe.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't want to do it.

[Paul]

I saw the bit 30 years ago.

[Jake the Snake]

It go, hey, Paul, some people don't write, you know, hey.

[Andrew Thomas]

So. Yeah, yeah, he's suspended. For the game. So he won't play. But there was a report yesterday saying Joe Burrow practiced fully, so it's possible that he returns this week instead of for Thanksgiving.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, I wonder why the Patriots Bengals was six and a half. I'm like, Joe Burrow's coming back. We're in Cincinnati and that's six and a half.

[Bill Byrd]

Okay.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah. So it's. It's 50, 50 now. You know, we'll know more later in the week, but that's the news right now.

[Jake the Snake]

The Bengals have Tyrod Taylor.

[Paul]

No.

[Andrew Thomas]

Flacco. Flacco is still out there.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, Flacco.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Tyrod Taylor is one of the best names in the NFL.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Andrew Thomas]

He's actually starting this week for the Jets. They bench Justin Field, so it's funny you brought that up.

[Jake the Snake]

That poor bastard can't get a break.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah. And then the Texans aren't going to start CJ Stroud tonight against the Bills. Mills gonna be another Davis Mills start for them.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, okay.

[Paul]

That changes things. And what about Aaron Rodgers? Is Aaron Rodgers not playing for the Steelers? Broken wrist.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah, he's probably not playing, but there's. They're saying he's trying to play. I don't. I can't imagine he's gonna play on a fractured wrist, though.

[Jake the Snake]

I mean throwing hand or the other hand.

[Andrew Thomas]

It's the other hand. So you know, that's kind of like what they're saying. Like oh, he's trying to play through it with whatever anti vaccine.

[Jake the Snake]

They don't really hit quarterbacks anymore. No quarterback with a sling at this point. Just have you handy.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah. The catcher like this.

[Jake the Snake]

The snap scrambling for a first down.

[Andrew Thomas]

Is.

[Paul]

Is Daniel Jones playing for the Colts?

[Andrew Thomas]

Yes, he is. And then the packers have a made have an injury too. They're running back Josh Jacobs might not play. So that's. That's a pretty big one. He's a really great player for them.

[Paul]

And Jackson Dart is back. Jackson Dart is back for the Giant for the Giants against the Lions.

[Andrew Thomas]

That's what it sounds like. Yeah, he's. He's back practicing at least. You know, concussions are tricky, you know and they're a lot more strict now thank. Thankfully they're a lot more strict now about.

[Jake the Snake]

Is it true the Lions aren't dressing their puncher this week?

[Andrew Thomas]

I don't know. I've never heard you guys hear. Oh, you guys hear about this once we get head cases. The Cowboys, they. They bench their two receivers for the first drive of that Raider game. I guess they're out in Vegas partying is like. What came out later. They said they saw one of them throwing up. I think it was lamb, actually. Even though you would expect it to be Pickens. But. Yeah, I don't know. I thought that was an interesting story.

[Jake the Snake]

I mean, one of the. It's such a crazy. Like, I remember when I was a kid, they said Las Vegas would never have a sports team because they don't want to have people around that. And now look at us. We're doing a sports gambling podcast. Podcast.

[Bill Byrd]

And now they have.

[Jake the Snake]

They have a football team, a hockey team, they're getting a baseball team, and.

[Andrew Thomas]

They'Re gonna get a basketball team, too.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, my God. The NBA is gonna do that. Jesus. That's the easiest game to fix.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Paul, this is the end of times, dude. I'll tell you what this is. This is Jesus right now waiting to come back. Is when. When the. The Vegas whoever has their. Their first. Now, dad. Now. Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay.

[Jake the Snake]

All right.

[Paul]

You know. You know in tag team wrestling, when the guy's getting beat and the other one's going like this?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul]

So, dude, if I'm.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm.

[Paul]

This lovely lady asked me if I wanted to go to the hot tub. I'm gonna say no. She's a fan. It's a hot.

[Jake the Snake]

I mean, I was. I was doing it for the franchise.

[Andrew Thomas]

Doing it for the fans.

[Paul]

We have a hot tub in the facility for our muscles. What am I gonna do?

[Jake the Snake]

Did we or did we not talk about being a little more friendly with the fans to help the NFL product?

[Andrew Thomas]

That's right. Fans are the most important part of the day.

[Jake the Snake]

I didn't have to bring those three women back to show them my rings.

[Andrew Thomas]

They wanted to see them.

[Jake the Snake]

We watched four episodes of the Office. That's what we were doing in there.

[Paul]

Oh, God, that'd be hilarious. All right, well, I'm offended.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm offended that you think I would do something like that.

[Bill Burr]

Come on. I'm a man of God.

[Andrew Thomas]

What are we doing?

[Jake the Snake]

I'm a man of God. I was trying to get her on the straight and narrow.

[Paul]

Oh, yeah, exactly.

[Andrew Thomas]

Jesus says, that's why I have all these chains, the cross chains.

[Paul]

Oh, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

And the way she was committed to her job. I got something out of that. I got something out of that for Sunday.

[Paul]

Dude. She was dedicated, prepared. What do you want me to do?

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, they all bought in.

[Paul]

They bought into the system.

[Jake the Snake]

They weren't overt. The casino looks the other way. We are in a recession right now, and I'm a big believer in spreading Your money around, if you have it.

[Paul]

Dude, the sushi restaurant just put in a foul fountain. The guy, the owner, asked me to come by. What am I gonna do?

[Jake the Snake]

Ask my wife. I love a fountain. I love a fountain. I, I, I, I was so upset we weren't staying at the Monte Carlo. I could watch that music with those fountains and a couple of hookers all night long.

[Paul]

All right, well, Jake the Snake, you just, you just changed me with the. I was going to take the Texans tonight, but you know what? I do not like no C.J. stroud. So I'm gonna. And that line just changed, which means there's a lot of movement there. So I'm gonna do something here I didn't think I was gonna do. And this is a team I didn't think I was gonna ever take. But you know what? I am the Chicago Bears. The Chicago Bears keep proving to me every week, every week that they win. The Chicago Bears are, what, 7 and 3?

[Andrew Thomas]

3 first in the NFC North.

[Paul]

Chicago Bears keep showing up in the end of the game to get it done. It's less than 3. They are at home. And Aaron Rodgers has a broken wrist. I think it's irresponsible of the Pittsburgh Steelers to put him in that game, even though it's his opposite hand, which means the second guy's coming in. And I love the home team minus two and a half. So I am taking the Chicago Bears.

[Jake the Snake]

Andrew, what's my record?

[Bill Byrd]

How the fuck was I?

[Jake the Snake]

19 and 19. I lost three games, and now I have 23 losses.

[Bill Byrd]

So you were.

[Paul]

Yeah, you, you were 16 and 19.

[Bill Burr]

We thought you were 19 and 19.

[Jake the Snake]

This is the final fucking way to beat these cunts. So I don't give a fuck how many good weeks you have in a row. Every time you get your nose above the fucking water, these cunts come back.

[Andrew Thomas]

Bill, how do we.

[Bill Burr]

Bill and I are all tied.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, Jake, you, me and Bill are all tied.

[Paul]

You guys are only three and a half games back.

[Bill Burr]

I am 19, 23 and 2.

[Jake the Snake]

That's pretty funny because Jake was up. Yeah. And a half back, Paul. And there's, there's, there's week 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. Paul, you could do this. I have it. Andrew, you got to go 3 and 11 the rest of the. Do you do this, Paul? This is what you do, Paul. This is what the you do.

[Paul]

I thought I, I thought I was 13 and a half back. This says 14 and a half back.

[Jake the Snake]

But you know what?

[Paul]

I'll go back and look, too. But I think it's off by a game.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what I do, Paul? I slowly fade away during the holidays.

[Andrew Thomas]

We'll see. No, don't say that. You got this, Bill.

[Jake the Snake]

No, no, I got busy. I had acting work. I didn't even walk. Watch any games. I. I can't pick any.

[Bill Burr]

I.

[Jake the Snake]

Nobody likes me. All right, sorry, I'm catastrophizing.

[Andrew Thomas]

But yeah. Oh, and for last week, I gotta bounce back too.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, but Jake, you know when you're a playboy and you don't get in until 5 in the morning, you miss those early games. Forget about the one, dude, what did Spain do that they deserved that game last week. Jesus Christ. Can we send them a good product? Are they trying to go great, global? They are.

[Andrew Thomas]

They are the last international game of the year.

[Jake the Snake]

Thankfully for us, Paul, it's getting late in the season.

[Paul]

It's getting late, early. As the great late Yogi Baris says. It's getting late early.

[Jake the Snake]

Getting late, early. I'm gonna take the Eagles minus three going into the Cowboys. I don't know, they just haven't fucking. They're going to shake off the super bowl win, Paul. Are they finally going to do that? Is everybody healthy? Like, when are they going to start being what they could be? Yeah, why not this week? Yeah. And it's only a three point spread. I'm only laying three points. And all those other games scare the.

[Bill Burr]

Shit out of me. Half.

[Jake the Snake]

Thirteen and a half. Thirteen and a half.

[Paul]

Half, thirteen and a half is nuts, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

I had that last week. I had 13.

[Bill Byrd]

I was late.

[Jake the Snake]

I had 13 points and I pushed. I know.

[Paul]

Well, I think. What's it called? I think that with the Eagles going to A.J. brown now and Saquon is starting to really get back to kind of business. I like that pick, especially at three. Speaking of three, Speaking of three. I am giving Trevor Lawrence one. I'm giving Trevor Lawrence and the Jacksonville Jaguars one more shot at the plate. I'm letting them get in the batter's box one more time. Okay. They are playing the Cardinals who just got smoked. I know my homecoming theory with the line, but I, I gotta, I gotta see the Jacksonville Jaguars one more time to see. I, I think they're the better team with the better quarterback. I'm gonna take Jacksonville to win by three. Three. In Arizona, the line was two and a half. Right before we did a half hour ago, the line was two and a half, which pisses me off. But I'm going to take them to win by a field goal.

[Jake the Snake]

You know, Paul, I Got to tell you, I am terrified of the NFC South. And you have, you put on your bathing suit and you've grabbed your nose and you've just jumped the Buccaneers, the Jaguar you didn't want, you've gone right in. I don't know what it is about the NFC South. The games never come on. I don't even know what's going. If they got rid of those four teams, it would take me about five weeks to realize it even happened. I commend your courage. All right. Speaking of courage, I don't know why. I just think Joe Burrow is a really experienced quarterback. I think six and a half points is a lot of points to get at home. The Patriots are winning. They're not necessarily, you know, dominating mid range teams. You know, I know we beat the jets by 13, but like, I just like that half. If it was six, I would have stayed away. Six and a half at home. I think the Patriots win. I don't think they win by a touchdown. I'm taking smoking Joe Burrow. A tale of two Joes this year out there in Cincinnati. I'm taking the Bengals. And Paul, you know what, if they, if they win next week, when Joe Burrow comes back, they might be my AFC Jaguars.

[Paul]

Okay, I like it, I like it.

[Ms. Pat]

I like the pick.

[Paul]

I'm gonna do something wild here. I'm gonna take a dog. I'm gonna take a dog and I'm gonna take the Carolina Panthers on Monday Night Football on the road getting seven. I just think that they, I think they're coming, they're coming off of a. Are they coming off a buy or not yet?

[Andrew Thomas]

No, they won. They beat at last Atlanta. No, it wasn't Atlanta. Well, they won last week. They beat Atlanta.

[Jake the Snake]

I think it was Atlanta.

[Ms. Pat]

They, yeah, they're playing.

[Paul]

They're kind of turned a corner. The Panthers have turned a corner. And I know, I know Brock Purdy's back, but I think seven points is a lot. I could see a little back door touchdown there at the end to, to get Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Keep it clean, huh?

[Paul]

Hey, I'm gonna take the Panthers getting seven on the road on Monday Night Football. Bryce. Yeah, he's under the lights, right? He's under the, the lights. Prime time game.

[Andrew Thomas]

You know, to your point, Paul, The Panthers are 6 and 5, so if they win this game, they have a chance. They could potentially win the division because they're only half came back with Tampa.

[Jake the Snake]

And Jake, would you say this is a statement game?

[Andrew Thomas]

Statement game for both teams? Yeah. Because Niners are 74. So I mean, we'll see.

[Paul]

I just picture a topless woman walking past Jake going like this to his head rough and just keep going right now. How you doing?

[Jake the Snake]

Nothing would surprise kisses him on the cheeks. Hey, thanks for listening last night. I, I, I know that was just sex, but it was worth it. See you next time in town. I'll see you the next time I'm in town, honey.

[Paul]

Go ahead, Bill. It's up. You're up.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm gonna take the Vikings getting, getting six and a half going into Green Bay. I like six and a half in a division rivalry. They live right next to each other. They're not afraid to be outside in the cold, even though they play indoors in Minnesota.

[Bill Burr]

Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Right. It's gonna happen. They got Sam Darnold. Sam. Gosh. Darnold.

[Paul]

Sam. Dude, that's a no they don't.

[Ms. Pat]

Who?

[Paul]

Who are you talking about?

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah, that was last one.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait, J.J. mcCarthy. I thought he was a couple coach. No, you're thinking of a quarterback. Dude. I'm still out of the loop.

[Andrew Thomas]

You know what?

[Jake the Snake]

Whatever. I like the color purple. You think that's why Prince picked purple? He was from Minnesota too. Was that his way of saying he was a Vikings fan? I think the Vikings, like Prince are going to go crazy like it's 1999 at Lambeau Field. There you go. There's some catchphrases for you. I'll take the Vikings not knowing who their quarterback is.

[Paul]

All right, well, I don't like the half a point. I've been bitten on the half a point. We've all been bitten by the half a point. But I'm going to do something because I truly believe right now that the, that the Kansas City Chiefs, I really believe this is it. They're five and five. They keep losing games. The look on Mahomes face after the last loss was the first time I saw. Now they're going, hey, is he going to go to the jets if they don't win and is he going to rebuild that? You start hearing things like that. I'm like, it's way too early for that. I don't like to have a point, but the Chiefs are coming off of a bad loss at home minus they're going against Daniel Jones and the Colts. But I'm going to take the Chiefs to, to have a, to have a bounce back, as Bill says, a statement game to save their season now because I think that if this is the time. So there you go.

[Jake the Snake]

I agree with all that. That half a Point is scary. I swear to God, if it's 2219, dude, I, I, I know this guy. He's in his 80s.

[Bill Burr]

80S.

[Jake the Snake]

It's been playing, you know, been in Vegas for a long time, and I can't say it on the air, but.

[Bill Byrd]

What he said about the half a.

[Jake the Snake]

Point, it's a fucking great joke. It's wild, but, like, I can't do it on the Internet. I'll. When we, next time we hang.

[Paul]

Yeah, I'll let you know.

[Jake the Snake]

And if you're a fan of my shit and you come out to go see me and there's an opportunity, I will tell you the joke. It is a joke, but it is not a joke that you can, can do on a sports podcast, you know, with somebody as wholesome as BET mgm, you know, that just, you know, I know they're involved in sports gambling, but I feel their heart is in the right place.

[Paul]

Absolutely.

[Jake the Snake]

Like, if Julia Roberts playing a hooker was running a sports gambling site, I.

[Bill Byrd]

Feel like it would be BET mgm.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm expecting a card from them for complimenting them like that.

[Andrew Thomas]

How was the whiskey? A Go Go show, by the way?

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, I had a great time. You know, they try to say that was the first stand up show there ever. I can't believe that that would be true. The amount of comedians that. Musicians, Sam Kinison, Steve Martin, Woodrow Allen. I mean, somebody must have gone down. He took out his. He probably electrified his clarinet, came down there, opened the runaways.

[Bill Byrd]

All right, that was just for me.

[Jake the Snake]

Okay. Oh, Billy. Punch drunk this week, Paul. My God. Jesus Christ. I should have brought my glasses to look, to look at all these spreads. I, I got nothing. Paul. Paul. I don't have anything. I would literally throw a dart at this right now for some reason, like an Paul. I am, I'm gravitating towards that Raiders Browns game.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Thomas]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul]

Shador Sanders. First start.

[Jake the Snake]

I believe you got Pete Carroll. Why does it have to be four? Why can't it be three? The holidays.

[Paul]

I can't.

[Jake the Snake]

You know, you don't have to. Can't you just have a holiday line?

[Paul]

Just one game, dude, I got, I.

[Jake the Snake]

See it sponsor win.

[Paul]

I, I see a degenerate talking to his bookie before, like, legalized, and he's like, come on. Come on, dude.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Paul]

Come on, Joey.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Paul]

It's Christmas. Give me half a point. Come on. How long we've been working together, Joey, Give me half a point. I'll give you the. You can make the vig a little More. Take a little more juice on the back end. Just give me the three.

[Jake the Snake]

Joy. Look. Look at your car. We both know I'm making the payments. Me.

[Paul]

Joey, I know your mother. I know your mother. You know, Come on, Joey, give me four.

[Jake the Snake]

And then he does when he goes, hey, you know, I took a shot.

[Paul]

I tried, I tried.

[Jake the Snake]

My mother always told me it never hurts to ask.

[Paul]

Hey, Bill, Bill.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, yeah, Come on. You said, oh, that is the darkest video on the Internet. When he stands there going, this is so stupid.

[Bill Byrd]

This is so stupid.

[Jake the Snake]

I, I, I have to know what he had riding on that, that game.

[Bill Byrd]

Oh.

[Paul]

Oh, my God.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm so happy his horse won, but I'm also sad for him because I know he's going to come back the next day and do it again because he won. Talk about this classic clip of this guy watching the ponies. All right, it just to keep the show going, I'm going to take the Raiders minus four. Sneaky Pete, I think he stays in that night. Doesn't go down to the Vegas strip like some of those guys on the Cowboys. I think he focuses on it. He's got an eagle go. I think he's going to be extra chewing that gum this week.

[Paul]

He's putting on a crispier pair of khakis this week. New balance.

[Jake the Snake]

That I'm taking the Browns plus four. That I'm not going with it. I'm not, I'm not doing it. Oh, no, no, no. I want to root, I want to root for that kid. It Raiders.

[Paul]

I do, too. Why would you root against him? Because he's Dion's son. I get the whole Rolex and the Rolls Royce around school. I get that. And I get. But, dude, you don't root against a kid.

[Jake the Snake]

The guy likes to dress nice.

[Paul]

And here's the deal.

[Jake the Snake]

He likes to have a nice car. He likes the women that like that stuff. Who is the egos of fat sports writers.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Wearing Hawaiian shirts never, never came close to top shelf pussy. That's why they don't like him.

[Paul]

Hey, Bill, let me ask you a question. If me, your friend who you've known Paul Verzey for a long time, if I was able to drive a Rolls Royce and have a fucking Rolex on college campus, would I do it?

[Jake the Snake]

100%. I'd be walking around, pull up, shirtless.

[Andrew Thomas]

Wearing a fur, especially at Boulder.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what? You'd still be a great guy.

[Paul]

I would be a great guy.

[Jake the Snake]

You would still be a nice guy.

[Paul]

I bet my dad's a coach. What do I mean to do. Can I still have a drink? Hey, if you.

[Jake the Snake]

I'll introduce you to the boosters. I don't know what tell you. Am I supposed to say no to this?

[Paul]

I'd go up to the fat writer who talks. I go to. Come to my. Come to my dorm. I'm having a little party. Some people I'll introduce you to next write up. Be incredible.

[Bill Byrd]

You know, I had this guy wrong.

[Jake the Snake]

This guy's a nice guy. Now, he would burn you. He'd burn you. He would take all the accoutrements in your party and then he would write a hit piece.

[Paul]

I'm like, I got you blown, you fat nobody.

[Bill Burr]

Why did that.

[Paul]

I talked to her. All right, Sorry. This is a clean show.

[Jake the Snake]

I spread the ball around the field. How am I the bad guy?

[Paul]

You got the balls to write that about me when I had. I hooked you up with her, you fat.

[Jake the Snake]

You're gonna show up in a Camry and you get your dick sucked by that. And this is the article I get.

[Paul]

Oh, God, it's great.

[Jake the Snake]

Band aid colored Camry.

[Paul]

Oh, that's so funny. I let you. I let you take the Rolls Royce around campus. I let you ride the Rolls around campus.

[Ms. Pat]

We're good together.

[Paul]

All right, there you guys go. Those are our picks for week number 12. And right now it is time for Bill to sit because. Wait, have we. We. We are on a little cold streak, guys, with the Monday Night Special. We. We've hit a drought.

[Jake the Snake]

We've had a little lake effect snow on our Monday night picks. Let's be honest.

[Paul]

We came out of the gate. We came out of the gate. Hey, man. Oh, yeah, we're in the corner.

[Jake the Snake]

We were flipping the bat. We were yelling. People in the dugout. We were pointing, shushing. Oh, yeah, the whole thing.

[Paul]

We got to get one here. We got to get one here. So let it ring the dirty bird. It is time for the Monday night.

[Jake the Snake]

Okay, I'll do it. All right, everybody. Okay, this time to let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. Let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. Come on, Paul. What do we got this week? Look at the Panthers and the 49ers.

[Paul]

What say you? We got the Panthers 49ers. It is a touchdown spread. Seven points. Hey, Andrew, can we get the under over on this game? I'm gonna say 46. My guess.

[Andrew Thomas]

It seems.

[Jake the Snake]

I would say 44.

[Andrew Thomas]

And there so specific. I feel like one of those guys would be right.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, just.

[Jake the Snake]

Jake, you don't have to be nice Tell us what it is. I know you know it.

[Andrew Thomas]

I don't know. I don't know. Totals like that.

[Jake the Snake]

No, it's 49 and a half. 49 and a half.

[Andrew Thomas]

49 and and a half takes back the high scoring game.

[Bill Byrd]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

What didn't.

[Jake the Snake]

Paul. Scoring game, Paul, you know, I mean, one team's not going to score 49 points.

[Andrew Thomas]

Paul.

[Paul]

I picked the Panthers, but I like the. I like San Fran in the money line.

[Andrew Thomas]

Okay? That's a good way to hedge.

[Paul]

I. I like. I like San Fran in the money line. I just think the seven points is a lot. So.

[Andrew Thomas]

You can take.

[Paul]

We know a guy. We know a guy that said, I'm a lot. I'm a lot.

[Andrew Thomas]

You shouldn't be. Probably me. I mean, you can take McAffrey, Jake, you.

[Paul]

Compared to this guy. It. It's not even. I. I couldn't even do a comparison. That's how opposite it is. Oh, wow. It's probably the most contrast, opposite thing I've ever seen. You.

[Ms. Pat]

You couldn't even.

[Paul]

I couldn't even give you an example.

[Jake the Snake]

You're a nice, humble guy who's really good at what he does.

[Andrew Thomas]

I appreciate that.

[Jake the Snake]

Never forgot where you came from.

[Paul]

No guy takes.

[Jake the Snake]

He's got all this money, he won't even buy a picture to put it on his wall. That's. That's how humble this guy is.

[Bill Burr]

The first time Paul and I really.

[Jake the Snake]

Hung out together, this person was around. And Paul.

[Bill Burr]

Paul goes, I really liked how you push back.

[Andrew Thomas]

I was like, we're gonna get along just fine.

[Bill Burr]

Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, he finally figured out he's a baby.

[Paul]

He's like, oh, literally 10 seconds.

[Jake the Snake]

So Paul goes, oh, you're Greek and Italian. I go, yeah, I'm half Greek, half Italian.

[Bill Burr]

You don't meet a half Greek, half Italian everywhere.

[Andrew Thomas]

Literally six seconds has been spent on this topic.

[Bill Burr]

And yeah, yeah, we get it.

[Jake the Snake]

We get it. Paul and I look at each other.

[Bill Burr]

Like, no, no, we just. We just finished the sentence. We didn't even get into it.

[Jake the Snake]

The only person I knew who didn't have a weak bladder but still needed adult diapers.

[Paul]

I didn't know where you're going. That's hilarious. I think we. I think the 49ers at home. Money line, right? Or. I mean, unless you guys want to go the other way to. And take. Take the Panthers with the points. Whatever you want.

[Jake the Snake]

No, I. I like the money line because I don't want. I don't want to be rooting against your bet, so I like the money line. I think the 49ers eke this out. Although, Paul, I kind of like the way you're looking at this game.

[Andrew Thomas]

Paul McCaffrey to get a touchdown is probably.

[Paul]

You know what I think it is? I think this is going to be a game where the Panthers score and they need one score and have to do an onside kick and don't get it. One of those deals. But I do like the Niners with the money line, so we can.

[Jake the Snake]

And I like the Panthers with the points. However you want to do it, Paul. I just got to. The Panthers are a tough team, dude.

[Paul]

The Panthers are 6 and 5, getting 7. You want to take them?

[Andrew Thomas]

I think you're onto something, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, the Panthers, you know, they want to walk around, Paul.

[Paul]

Hey, they need a little walking around money. All right, all right.

[Jake the Snake]

It. Let's just put our balls on the table. The week before Thanksgiving, we're gonna roll with the cats. We're gonna go on a. That's right.

[Paul]

All right, so we got. All right, so that's the first leg of our bet is we are going to take the Carolina Panthers on Monday Night Football. Football getting seven. What's phase two? Throw us. Throw us a bone here, Jake.

[Andrew Thomas]

Couple people you can take to get a touchdown. I mean, McCaffrey is definitely the most popular choice, even though he's on the Niners. And then Bryce Young and the Panthers running back Rico Doddle is very good, too. So those are kind of the three that I would look at.

[Jake the Snake]

Here's a question I have, Paul. Do you think it hurts us, like, every week we. We like. We pick a team and then we start betting all the. The offensive. The other team's gonna do.

[Paul]

I mean, you know, let's go. Let's go. Bryce Young to throw one of the Panthers. Let's do that.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah, I like that a lot.

[Paul]

And then I think we. You guys want to go. You want to do. We haven't done this in a while. You want to go under the 49 points or you want to go over or you don't want to touch it?

[Jake the Snake]

I have no feeling on that.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

I have a strong number that the Panthers could win this game. Definitely cover. I like all of that stuff that over under is.

[Bill Byrd]

Is.

[Paul]

It's.

[Bill Byrd]

It's.

[Paul]

It's poison. Yeah.

[Bill Byrd]

I don't like. I would stay away from that.

[Paul]

Jake. What's the. By the way, I want to let the people know, Bill, we've never done that. So you people that don't know. Jake, the snake gives us a report every week this isn't just. He's not just here to show off his good looks, okay, and, you know, take the time off of his fucking crazy date. No, he does the work. He puts the work and he gives us an amazing report. He breaks everything down.

[Jake the Snake]

It's all written out. It's a. He sends a document. Document.

[Paul]

Dude, I didn't write that much. Hey. I didn't write that much in all high school.

[Jake the Snake]

All right.

[Paul]

Jake, are the Panthers got a good defense or no?

[Andrew Thomas]

It's a good question. It's been like, kind of up and down, you know, Like, I think the Niners will be able to move the ball on them. That would be my prediction. But they're much improved from last year that they can get. They can get stops, but, like. Yeah, it's tough to say. Probably middle of the road would be fair characterization there for sure.

[Paul]

Andrew, are we able to do anything fun? Are we able to do like a. Like, is bet MGM going to let us do like a four?

[Andrew Thomas]

Have fun.

[Bill Burr]

What do you want?

[Paul]

So can we. Can we do, like, can we do a kicker to kick over a 50 yarder?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, yeah, those. I mean, they're probably.

[Andrew Thomas]

The odds are probably available.

[Paul]

Why not?

[Jake the Snake]

Let's have fun. We're taking the Panthers.

[Paul]

All right, let's do that. And it doesn't matter what kicker. So here's what we want to do. Either kicker kicks a 50 or more, so five, zero counts or more, and then we'll take the Panthers with the points and we'll take Bryce Young of the Panthers to throw one. I think that's a fun one.

[Jake the Snake]

I think Paul Versi has found his. He's. He's. He's got it back.

[Paul]

If I win this week, I'm gonna come in here a little. Little more arrogant.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm gonna say you're gonna wear a button down, but you're not necessarily gonna button all the buttons.

[Paul]

I'm going in here. And then if you're gonna show a.

[Jake the Snake]

Little chest, this is why. You know what, how Paul has been doing is how much chest hair is.

[Paul]

Showing or how many chains the next three weeks. I was just shirtless.

[Jake the Snake]

Jake goes, how many chains are out? Well, I have not seen your gold, man. I haven't seen. Seen that this season.

[Paul]

I know, I know. You know What? I went 3:1 last week. Let's take it out.

[Andrew Thomas]

Yeah, that's a nice one.

[Jake the Snake]

You, like. The athlete at the end of his career has one more good game, and for a brief moment, you saw flashes of his youth to end a Fantastic career. All right, Paul.

[Paul]

There you have it, guys. We got our picks, we got. Our Monday night special is the Carolina Panthers getting set, Bryce Young to throw a touchdown and any of the NF, any of the kickers in the game kicking a 50 or longer field goal will be the Monday night special. So you guys can root for a field goal, which will be great. And there you go. Download the app to your device, put as little as $10 in for your first bet. If the bet doesn't hit, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets. And you could do the touchdown promo, which is you pick any NFL player in any game to get the first touchdown and you win. If they don't but get the second touchdown, you get your cash back. There you go. Good luck this week.

[Jake the Snake]

I got to tell you real quickly, betting either field goal kicker to kick over a 50 yarder is like one of the most exciting bets of the year for me. I'm going to watch this game. This is just such a funny level to watch the game on.

[Paul]

Well, when we were, when we were younger, I almost said when we were kids but when we were younger four years ago, a 46 yarder, you'd be.

[Bill Burr]

Like oh dude, this isn't.

[Paul]

Now it's like dude, it was no.

[Jake the Snake]

Shame in missing a 48 yard yer unless you did it on the Bills for the, for the Super Bowl.

[Paul]

None. Yep. Now they're like dude, it's 54 as long this year is 59. You're like, what?

[Jake the Snake]

Oh yeah, I, I remember Adam venteri kicked a 57 yarder. My buddy called me up. Yeah, dude, north of 55. North of 55 was instead was the field goal versus version of your boys catch there in the back of the end zone. Yeah, yeah. Like people didn't. Maybe it's not that far that was the 63 yard but like to kick a 57 yard, it's like man, dude.

[Paul]

I remember in the late 90s the guy in the the Denver Broncos tied the record with 63 and they ran out on the field like they won the Super Bowl. Now the guy in the Cowboys kicked a 70 yarder, it's like, it's nuts. But I like this bet. This is going to be fun to watch and this will make everybody, everybody on our thing because if Bryce Young throws one now it makes everybody in it. So there you guys go. That's the, that's, that's the show. We'll see you next week. Jake, Bill and Andrew are three and a half back and I believe I'm 13 and a half back. Not. But I'm gonna go back. We're gonna see either way. Hey, I got my work cut out for me, but let's get it.

[Jake the Snake]

Let's get it to.

[Paul]

Let me just get it to single digits in the next two weeks and we'll see what happens.

[Jake the Snake]

Paul, they're letting you hang around. They're making a big mistake.

[Paul]

Don't do it. All right, guys, that's our show. We'll see you guys next week.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Jake the Snake]

Bye. Bye.