Nate Craig | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-18-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast — Episode Summary

Episode: Nate Craig | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-18-25
Host: Bill Burr
Guest: Nate Craig
Date: September 19, 2025

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Overview

This episode is a classic, wide-ranging Bill Burr hangout: a mix of sharp comedic riffing, honest personal stories, sports rants, social commentary, and the kind of loose, sometimes vaguely hostile (in a funny way) energy that makes longtime fans love the show. Comedian Nate Craig joins Bill and frequent contributors like Andrew Themless, with the conversation jumping from celebration of standup specials to honest confessions about past drinking problems, the state of American media, politics, parenting, and conspiracy theories. While the tone is irreverent and casual, there are fiercely funny exchanges about sports, relationships, therapy, society's lack of empathy and integrity, and the insanity of modern life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Nate Craig’s Standup Special & Comedy Culture

• Bill and the team start by genuinely praising Nate’s new special "Married to It," available on YouTube and Patreon ([00:33-01:00]).
• They riff on comics' attire, department store shopping, and the high/low culture of comedy.
  • Memorable exchange:
    • Nate Craig: "That's some 80s humor right there. Women, they shop in a department store."
    • Bill Burr: "We shop in a warehouse." ([01:37])

2. Sports — Gambling & Stadium Experiences

• The usual Monday Morning Podcast sports chunk, with Bill and Nate playing self-deprecating about their football gambling records ([02:11-04:34]).
  • Nate Craig: "I haven't won a game yet this year. I'm 0-7-1." ([02:23])
  • Andrew Themless: "Billy Red Ink Betty. Billy dead money." ([04:26])
• Extended riff on new stadiums and the artificiality of the modern fan experience — being "blasted" with noise, crowd prompts, and sensory overload ([05:55-09:33]).
  • Nate Craig: "Like if AC/DC played a ballad... At that level of volume." ([06:02])
  • Andrew Themless: "I would bring, like, those things like you're going to the gun range." ([08:30])

3. Therapy, Self-Improvement, and Comedic Growth

• Running gag about therapy for comedians — comparing bad therapists to bad comics ([17:49-18:44]).
  • Nate Craig: "You ever see a comic that, like, used to be funny?... And they got bitter, and all of that." ([18:15])
  • Bill Burr: "That happens with therapists." ([18:23])
• Bill and Nate riff on having "refined" — or not — over the years, with Bill’s self-parody about still being aggrieved by unfamiliar words like "soufflé" ([10:06-11:18]).

4. Social Commentary — Empathy, Integrity, and Media

• Extended social criticism of both political sides, lack of empathy and common courtesy, the toxicity of modern media/info ecosystems ([36:00–41:00]):
  • Nate Craig: "Everybody's really sensitive and people don't like being made fun of. It hurts their feelings." ([36:19])
  • Andrew Themless: "We are lacking empathy... and we have lacked it for quite some time now. People are not in. I mean, integrity is basically... you have to be able to lie to yourself..." ([37:53])
• Bill’s personal answer to consuming news: "I just travel around and I'm starting to read, and I got off Instagram and fucking leave me alone." ([42:23])

5. Parenting & Relationships

• Honest discussion about the real experience of parenting, fatigue vs. romanticization ([43:38-44:10]).
  • Nate Craig: "You're just trying to make it to 8pm at night. And then you say to your wife, 'hey, let's watch this show.' Five minutes in, you're out."
• Bill’s take on gender roles, marriage, and the myth of keeping the peace ([74:48-83:05]).
• Listener Q&As on relationships, infidelity, divorce, and the difficulty of blended families ([122:03 – end of main segment]).

6. Conspiracy Theories & The State of the World

• Playful jabs and quick dives into Illuminati, 9/11, Epstein, and NFL conspiracies ([66:22-67:36]).
  • Bill Burr: "Fucking Epstein island, fucking 9/11... I don't know why I'm doing a Southern accent." ([66:27])
  • Nate’s NFL-watching conspiracy: the league is "cycling down" the Chiefs the way it did the Patriots ([67:37]).
• Longer, more serious musings about DNA testing at stadiums and the commodification of personal data ([110:03-118:54]).

7. Recurring Podcast Bits — Self-Deprecation, Pop Culture, Movies & TV

• Multiple digressions into classic and obscure film/TV references, e.g., The Office, Reservoir Dogs, Wall Street ([12:19-13:33], [90:26-91:14], [177:09-178:27]).
• Bill and Nate’s endless "old man" energy about how sports, bars, fake IDs, and music festivals "used to be."
• Animal analogies — dogs vs. cats as humans, loyalty analogies, and jokes about "golden retriever people" ([161:43-164:34]).

8. Football Picks & Betting Woes

• Plenty of the signature betting segment with Paul Versi and Jake the Snake joining in ([135:19-end]).
• Bill and Paul commiserate over their terrible records this season.
  • Bill Burr: "I haven't had a win in two weeks. I'm 0-7 and one..." ([135:58])
• The group discusses the week’s big NFL injuries, lines, and make picks (Monday Night Special).
  • Paul Versi: "Do you think the Giants win it outright? Money line. I don't love that. I like the six and a half points." ([149:34])
• Sidebars on what makes great coaches, and tributes to beloved running backs like Roger Craig ([145:16-147:49]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On social media’s impact:
  Nate Craig: "It has kneecapped a generation of social activism because everybody's on their screens feeling like, 'I know, but it's all of us.'" ([43:05])

• On fake IDs and old drinking habits:
  Nate Craig: "That was like fucking Breaking Bad. Like, there was some legend that could exacto knife the numbers and flip them around." ([23:01])

• On the media/24hr news:
  Andrew Themless: "They should have one hour a day that they can call news. The rest of it's all sponsored content." ([37:12])

• On the new football stadiums:
  Nate Craig: "It's just so fucking loud... They have like 40 screens telling me. I know that they just got a first down." ([07:33])

• Relationship advice:
  Bill Burr, reading a letter: "You're already dating somebody that already has a kid, so that's gonna be already 100 times harder to make that work. And then the kid doesn't even like you..." ([122:03])

• On empathy and politics:
  Nate Craig: "And people on the right also have feelings... But somehow people on the left are the touchy feely people. I think everybody is very sensitive." ([36:19])

• On show's tone:
  Nate Craig: "I would call it vaguely hostile on my side." ([48:03])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:02-01:00] – Introduction, Nate Craig joins, banter about comedy & suits
• [02:11-04:34] – Sports gambling woes
• [05:55-09:33] – Rant on new stadiums, fan experience
• [17:49-18:44] – Therapy vs. comedy parallels
• [36:00–41:00] – Empathy, integrity, media criticism
• [42:23] – Bill on how he gets his news
• [43:38-44:10] – Parenting truths
• [45:20-47:35] – Left-handedness, right-handed world
• [66:22-67:36] – Illuminati & conspiracy theory riffing
• [110:03-118:54] – Listener Q: DNA testing at stadiums
• [122:03 – end main segment] – Relationship Q&A, marriage, divorce
• [135:19–153:00+] – Anything Better podcast: football picks, NFL, betting segment w/ Paul Versi, Jake the Snake
• [154:00+] – Bonus: Anecdotes, Broadway, dog analogies, pop culture jokes

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Closing Thoughts

This episode is a quintessential slice of Bill Burr’s world — the real-life gripes, the humility, the uncensored comedy, and the kind of wide-ranging, punchy discussion that veers from locker-room laughs to honest talks about life and society. Nate Craig holds his own as a sharp comic and real friend, willing to play both straight man and instigator. If you’re looking for laughs mixed with relatable struggles, nostalgia, pop culture riffs, and a good dose of anti-Instagram, anti-bullshit worldview, this episode delivers.

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Listen if you want:

• To laugh at the sports fan’s misery while commiserating with the regular guy
• To hear comic peers bust each other’s balls and talk honestly about life
• Candid, funny discussion of America’s cultural and political absurdities
• A no-filter look at betting, comedy, relationships, and why modern stadiums suck

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. It's being filmed, so you know we have a guest. All right. A white house approved guest. See? Running the country or is he running a TV network? Who do you think should come on after Alf?

[Nate Craig]

Mr. President.

[Bill Burr]

Anyways, this guy, one of my favorite.

[Nate Craig]

Comedians, has a new standup special out.

[Bill Burr]

That you can see on YouTube or on Patreon. Patreon. Yeah, above Patreon. Please welcome Nate Craig, everybody.

[Andrew Themless]

FCC mandated free independent comedy special, married to it.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, well, there you go. Married to it.

[Bill Burr]

I actually did my homework.

[Andrew Themless]

Thank you.

[Bill Burr]

I watched the whole special. I pointed at a camera, so you.

[Nate Craig]

Know I'm telling the truth.

[Andrew Themless]

You texted me about details of the special. I was honored that you watched it. Thank you, buddy.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. No, you killed it. You were looking sharp.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

You went to men's warehouse. She said you got yourself a little.

[Andrew Themless]

No, no, I went downtown to the. You ever go downtown to the. The district, go shopping?

[Nate Craig]

I didn't go downtown to buy a suit.

[Andrew Themless]

They go. They got. They got you. They got what you need. They got more than you need.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, they do.

[Nate Craig]

That's fantastic.

[Bill Burr]

I was gonna say it looked better.

[Nate Craig]

Than a men's warehouse suit.

[Andrew Themless]

It was. It's a much nicer get up. But did they say it's.

[Nate Craig]

It's a much nicer get up. I guarantee it.

[Andrew Themless]

They said.

[Nate Craig]

They said better than men's warehouse. Finest quality guarantee.

[Andrew Themless]

Only the finest here, friend. My friend, only the finest here.

[Nate Craig]

That's some 80s humor right there. Women. They shop in a department store.

[Bill Burr]

We shop in a warehouse.

[Andrew Themless]

What is the deal?

[Nate Craig]

What is the deal with that?

[Andrew Themless]

Where's the ladies warehouse? I want a warehouse for the ladies. They ladies. You deserve a warehouse, too. Sorry I interrupted.

[Bill Burr]

Is the ladies warehouse a whorehouse?

[Andrew Themless]

What? Can men shop at the ladies warehouse?

[Bill Burr]

Walter Wall vaginas.

[Andrew Themless]

Can I wear what they sell at the ladies warehouse?

[Nate Craig]

Anyway, what was I gonna say? You're a degenerate football gambler like me.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm a. I don't. I've learned enough. I've learned enough to not gamble on my. On my inclinations.

[Nate Craig]

I haven't won a game yet this year. I'm 071.

[Andrew Themless]

I am in my eight. My big pick them where I can win the most money I have. So yes, I do gamble. 5 and 11. I'm 5 and 11. Those are my best picks.

[Nate Craig]

I know, but it's an insane year.

[Andrew Themless]

It's insane.

[Nate Craig]

That guy from the monkeys, Davy Jones.

[Andrew Themless]

Who was with the Giants, what's he doing?

[Bill Burr]

They sent him to the Colts and he can't miss.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, yeah. Danny Jones, he. That. That. Those wheels will fall off. Although they just got the best offense. They've had the best offensive line in football for five years.

[Nate Craig]

Well, that's.

[Bill Burr]

Maybe that's all he needed, a line.

[Nate Craig]

Instead of running for his fucking life out there in the Meadowlands.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm. I'm not. I'm not betting anything.

[Bill Burr]

Jimmy Hoffa yelling up from under this. What's all that noise up there on.

[Andrew Themless]

Hey. Hey.

[Nate Craig]

Where?

[Andrew Themless]

The Indianapolis Colts. I'm not betting any fucking money on the Colts. No, no shot. I took him this week against the Broncos.

[Nate Craig]

No. Who they playing? The Broncos.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, you're taking them this week?

[Nate Craig]

I took them this week.

[Andrew Themless]

Okay. Okay. I don't. I haven't looked yet. This is all I'm. I got the kid, me and the wife, we battled norovirus last weekend.

[Nate Craig]

I took the jets last week against the Bills.

[Bill Burr]

Now this week, I go it.

[Nate Craig]

I'll take the Bills. Laying eleven and a half Thursday night. I'm sliding the weekend already before the game even starts. I'm down 11 and a half. I like it.

[Andrew Themless]

You know, tonight. You're talking about tonight?

[Nate Craig]

I am talking about tonight. What are you talking about?

[Andrew Themless]

But I thought you were taught. You said Jets.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, but when this comes out, it'll be. It'll be tomorrow.

[Bill Burr]

No, I said last week I had.

[Nate Craig]

The jets when they played the Bills. So now I'm taking the fucking Bills.

[Bill Burr]

It's like I bet the Pats the.

[Nate Craig]

First week and then I'm gonna go, okay. You know, it's.

[Bill Burr]

Fuck it.

[Nate Craig]

The Dolphins own us.

[Bill Burr]

I'll take the Dolphins.

[Andrew Themless]

It's a pendulum, and it just swings a half a point to this side of the point spread to a half a point to this side of the point spread. It's just like they got you tonight. That's a Dolphin's lock.

[Nate Craig]

It's like the Truman Show.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, the Truman.

[Nate Craig]

It's like they know.

[Andrew Themless]

They're watching.

[Nate Craig]

They're watching me.

[Andrew Themless]

Watching you fill out your card?

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, they have. They're playing with me. They say they usually give me hope. I'm usually.

[Bill Burr]

Billy.

[Nate Craig]

Win some, lose some. I go two and two every. I bet four games. I usually go two and two. And this. This year, I'm just. You know, I got a standing eight count. Two weeks in.

[Andrew Themless]

Billy Red Ink Betty. Billy dead money.

[Nate Craig]

I am on the Hot seat, Billy.

[Andrew Themless]

Dead money.

[Bill Burr]

What do you got going on, man?

[Nate Craig]

Are you.

[Bill Burr]

You out on the road these days? You building up the new one? Let's talk about the new hour you went.

[Nate Craig]

You went to. Oh, I just shot it.

[Andrew Themless]

Well, next week, I'm in Minneapolis at Acme, one of the best clubs anywhere.

[Nate Craig]

And then I never got past there.

[Andrew Themless]

You never got past.

[Bill Burr]

I wasn't good enough.

[Nate Craig]

I went there in person, in audition.

[Andrew Themless]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

I said, let me tell you something, you balding redhead.

[Nate Craig]

No, you can take.

[Bill Burr]

You. Whatever the. That was. No, no, you can go over Paul with that.

[Nate Craig]

We're at Twin Cities for a reason. So when guys like you come to.

[Bill Burr]

Town, we send you on the other side of the river.

[Andrew Themless]

Go see Paul.

[Bill Burr]

This was back when they were still.

[Nate Craig]

Playing in the Huber Hubert Humphrey Homer Dome.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, the.

[Bill Burr]

Was that right? Randy Moss was still playing.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, before it puked on its own.

[Bill Burr]

Although when I went to the game.

[Andrew Themless]

Remember when it caved in and puked on its own shoes? That was fun. That was a great day for Packer fans.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, it had the.

[Andrew Themless]

I want to go to the collapsed lung. Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Stadiums.

[Andrew Themless]

I like the new. The new place looks good on tv. I'm not going to lie. It's a mega church. But it. It does. The. The boy choir with the light from the. From the outside comes in, hits the field.

[Nate Craig]

I.

[Andrew Themless]

They did a nice job.

[Nate Craig]

They. They can take all of those stadiums.

[Andrew Themless]

Domes.

[Nate Craig]

You can take all of those stadiums. All of the new stadiums.

[Andrew Themless]

Tell me what you can do with them.

[Nate Craig]

And. And that the DJ and the guy.

[Bill Burr]

Goes, f. Yeah, you can take all of them.

[Andrew Themless]

You went to a Raiders game?

[Bill Burr]

No, the fucking Rams game.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

[Bill Burr]

Like, you don't even have to cheer. They're pumping in crowd noise, and it's just like.

[Nate Craig]

It's like at. Like if AC DC played a ballad, like, it's at that level of volume. They're going to give everybody tinnitus. Like, the thing about it, everybody's just.

[Bill Burr]

Like, comatose watching the screens.

[Andrew Themless]

It's a lot. I mean, they're just so big. The places are huge.

[Bill Burr]

My favorite part of the Rams game.

[Nate Craig]

That I went to was they had this male cheerleader out there, and it was like his dream. I've never seen a happier human being. It was contagious.

[Bill Burr]

We were all laughing, but with him.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, he was just.

[Andrew Themless]

People lost their mind. The Vikings did that, too. They got a. They got a male cheerleader. He's out there. He's. He's putting mustard on.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, my God, it's good. It's.

[Andrew Themless]

It's great.

[Nate Craig]

It lives somewhere between Hope and the Three Stooges.

[Bill Burr]

It was just. It was awesome. It made you feel good. But you were also laughing at it. But you were with them.

[Andrew Themless]

See?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

This is what therapy is doing for you, buddy. This is what therapy is doing for you. You see the one male cheerleader at the ranch, and you are like, I like this guy. I want to have an espresso with this.

[Bill Burr]

He running out. He was doing. He was running sideways doing like this with, like. He could not have been happier doing it.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, my darling.

[Bill Burr]

And I was with another buddy of.

[Nate Craig]

Mine, and we would.

[Bill Burr]

We didn't even say that. We just started laughing. And then when we were just like, dude, that was fucking awesome.

[Andrew Themless]

No shirt, tuxedo jacket.

[Bill Burr]

No, no.

[Nate Craig]

Just like.

[Andrew Themless]

I mean, dude, top hat, cane.

[Nate Craig]

Just. Just destined to be underpaid on Broadway.

[Bill Burr]

While still crushing it.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, man.

[Nate Craig]

Anyway.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, these new fucking stadiums.

[Nate Craig]

It, like, just everything. It's just so fucking loud.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, I don't mind if the.

[Nate Craig]

Crowd'S making that noise, but why do I have to listen to somebody? You have a microphone. You don't have to scream into it. A first down is. They have, like, 40 screens telling me. I know that they just got a first down.

[Bill Burr]

Even if I didn't. The wide receiver stands up after he helps me out, he fucking goes like that.

[Andrew Themless]

You can't escape.

[Bill Burr]

And then just in case. Is it for the. For the blind?

[Nate Craig]

Do they have a blind section there?

[Andrew Themless]

They just got a section. They just got the 70 through the 85th. Thousand attendees. They got a blast. You all the way up to. All the way down to the field, they're getting. Everybody's got their own speaker. Everybody's got their own.

[Bill Burr]

Why not?

[Nate Craig]

They always say the Chiefs and the Seahawks are the loudest fans, but I would say the loudest PA system I've ever been around was the Arizona Cardinals.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, I'm going Packers to be there next month.

[Nate Craig]

I would bring, like, those things like, you're going to the gun range. I talked to a security guard there.

[Bill Burr]

I had earplugs in.

[Nate Craig]

I said, dude, you better. Where's some earplugs? Are you gonna get tinnitus? He said, I already have it.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, wow. Should I hire.

[Bill Burr]

Going to football games, a big man.

[Andrew Themless]

To carry me like an infant baby with my.

[Nate Craig]

Have you ever done. Done the awful weekend with the loud middle who has, like, the microphone in his mouth? It's like that and the act doesn't end. It's a three hour act.

[Andrew Themless]

The loud middle. That's funny. I think that's kind of dead. Like that trick.

[Nate Craig]

What trick?

[Andrew Themless]

The talking to the. You know, like make the. You know, make people laugh because you get this much louder.

[Nate Craig]

No, I mean screaming. I'm talking about screaming like. Like. Like you're in Nine Inch Nails in 1991 and you're telling me how many yards were just gained on that play? It's. It's not necessary. I showed up. I am a fan of football. I'm a fan of a lot of things. I like to cook. I don't want somebody to scream the recipe at me through fucking Jumbotron.

[Andrew Themless]

I agree with you 100%. I. I don't. I don't need.

[Nate Craig]

And that's another quarter cup of flour.

[Bill Burr]

It's like I realized.

[Nate Craig]

I read it and I. I put it in the bowl.

[Andrew Themless]

Now. Now I kind of want. Now I kind of want somebody to. Near to read you a cookbook while you cook. I'd like to watch that, actually.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Some lady screaming at you while you're trying to make a souffle.

[Nate Craig]

Why a souffle?

[Andrew Themless]

Because it's difficult. I think I made the right choice and I don't need your skepticism.

[Nate Craig]

I don't even know what a souffle is.

[Andrew Themless]

A souffle is the one.

[Nate Craig]

I thought you were kind of challenging. Like my manhood. When you said that with the A. It was the A part, not the Sue. Huh? Sue's a chick name.

[Andrew Themless]

This strikes me as a regression, Bill.

[Nate Craig]

The sue part, the chick name of. That I was all right with. When you got to the flay.

[Andrew Themless]

Flay.

[Nate Craig]

It started with an F. It was.

[Andrew Themless]

You speak French?

[Nate Craig]

Huh?

[Andrew Themless]

You speak French. I was trying to. I was trying to put it in your wheelhouse.

[Nate Craig]

What is a souffle?

[Andrew Themless]

It's. It's like a dessert. I don't even know now. It's a. I think it's like a.

[Nate Craig]

You're using words that you don't know.

[Andrew Themless]

An egg bake.

[Nate Craig]

Craig, Everybody has a new special. He uses words he doesn't know because they sound vaguely French.

[Andrew Themless]

Bill. Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen. He reacts negatively to just the. The mention of a word he doesn't recognize. It's all an attack on him. Have you not. Have you or have you not gotten to know this man? Listening to his podcast for well over a decade. Most of you.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, that might have been the truest thing ever said.

[Andrew Themless]

She.

[Bill Burr]

Not by my wife.

[Nate Craig]

On this podcast. She Knows me. She lives with me, man. She's in the locker room. She knows what's happening. But you, on the other hand, I've regressed because I'm sitting down, I'm slouching again. But listen, I'm more refined. I'm a more refined Bill Burr since the last time he came on this podcast.

[Andrew Themless]

I feel the same way. I've been watching you. I've been watching your refinition.

[Nate Craig]

What's my.

[Bill Burr]

What is that?

[Andrew Themless]

That's a made up word I made. That one is made up fair and square. I like that one reference. I've been watching your refinery.

[Nate Craig]

My refinery.

[Andrew Themless]

But there's no. That's not refineries.

[Bill Burr]

Speaking of refinery nouns.

[Nate Craig]

Speaking of refineries, in the Valley there's a. Some sort of refinery and they built this big apartment complex like up the street from it. And when the wind blows, smell all this. Yeah. They're trying to sell them and everybody's calling them the apartments.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, that's. That's a hard pass, dude. Like, if they ever did rentals, like keep those rentals.

[Nate Craig]

No, but if they ever did, like the real estate version of the office, like that is an episode that they have to sell these things that people are calling the apartments. You don't see that Steve Carell acting like he doesn't smell it.

[Andrew Themless]

I do. And all the employees have to live there for their, like their temporary assignments.

[Nate Craig]

I know. That really was such a, like unbelievable.

[Andrew Themless]

This office is great. How come nobody stays here?

[Nate Craig]

Well, it's a very low key, unbelievably sad, soul crushing show. If you watch it on a certain level, if you just sit there for the jokes, it's hilarious. But underneath all of it, those people.

[Andrew Themless]

Got to go home.

[Nate Craig]

It's just like nobody there is following a dream. Yeah, it's a dreamless office.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Well, that's what I got out of it.

[Andrew Themless]

Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen. Not afraid to.

[Nate Craig]

And then what? And then I'm supposed to like emotionally get excited that this man who lost his dream is now attracted to a woman who also has lost their dream. And they're going to have a child and not know how to tell it, how to get out of this. And that's going to be that kid's life work to not end up like mom and dad who work at this paper company. I really wish I knew the theme song because I would have hummed it right then, but I just don't know how it goes. It's a piano, isn't it? I like when they do the Exteriors and they're clearly in la. And they try to act like they're in Pennsylvania.

[Andrew Themless]

The Scranton exteriors, I've never seen those aren't la.

[Nate Craig]

I'll tell you what's great is the palm tree in Scranton is always my favorite. Talk about the Mojave dirt.

[Andrew Themless]

Talk about somebody that quit the palm tree. What are you doing?

[Nate Craig]

I would say the B team. The B team shooting on that thing.

[Andrew Themless]

You're not meant to be here. Palm tree. I don't know. I met a girl in college, her family was here.

[Nate Craig]

I quit the band, man. I thought I found love.

[Andrew Themless]

I had a spot in Malibu, man.

[Nate Craig]

That's somebody that just randomly moved out to Pennsylvania and they said that they love it, but you got it.

[Andrew Themless]

You got here in Pennsylvania.

[Nate Craig]

Exactly, yeah. Pennsylvania is one of the most surprisingly gigantic fucking states.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, it's massive.

[Nate Craig]

Yep. New York's another one where everybody, you know, they're so busy trying to be down there near Bobby Flay to try out his burger that they have it. It's all about Manhattan in the boroughs. But you get north and I'm gonna tell you right now, that's a stretcher. That's a stretch of road, man.

[Bill Burr]

I'm gonna tell you, that's a stretch road.

[Andrew Themless]

You know, it takes a day and a half to get across. Texas, man, I'm tell you right now.

[Nate Craig]

I'll tell you right now.

[Andrew Themless]

New York City, I lost half my.

[Bill Burr]

Mind going to Albany, the other half making a left out to Buffalo, New.

[Andrew Themless]

York City, Syracuse, man.

[Nate Craig]

But, but it's, it's. It's weird how you go to Vermont and you're looking like this is God's country. I think because it's, it's. It's a state that's a size that you can mentally deal with. That's for me anyway. Like I need to know that I can get the fuck out of here. And what I love about Vermont is if you go left, right or down, you're out of that fucking place. That south, you go up, you fucked you up.

[Andrew Themless]

You're in Canada, right?

[Nate Craig]

Oh yeah, you got right.

[Bill Burr]

And I'll tell you, you try to.

[Nate Craig]

Cross the border by yourself, they're tearing apart your car.

[Andrew Themless]

You straight out your fucking car.

[Nate Craig]

Cuz sadness is not an excuse. Salt at the Canadian border, they throwing.

[Andrew Themless]

Salt at your gears.

[Nate Craig]

I told you that time I crossed the border by myself to go to an Expos game. I was doing some gig up there and I crossed the border by myself to go to an Expos game. And they had maybe 130 games that year. And they just did not believe me. And they just started tearing.

[Bill Burr]

And I didn't understand it.

[Nate Craig]

And then they. Because I didn't understand how pathetic I was until like half hour, they're like.

[Andrew Themless]

This guy's got tearing up bumpers full of cocaine.

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Nate Craig]

And then I realized, and I just started laughing and I came back to the car and had this big shitty grin on my. On my face, like. And I'm also so happy that I.

[Andrew Themless]

Went, I am going to the Expos game. I also have bumpers full of cocaine. I am also selling the cocaine to the Expos.

[Nate Craig]

No, to buy the Expos. See, if I was going to buy like a real baseball team, I would have to have two bumpers. But to buy the Expos with the dollar exchange, I just need one.

[Andrew Themless]

You're good.

[Nate Craig]

Do you know there's the. In Keith Richards book, a big reader. The key, the Keith Richards autobiography, he talked about in, like the late 60s, they wanted to see some of America when they were on tour, so they just bought an Impala. I think it was white too, which is, you know, the late 60s. Impalas are gorgeous. And they had drugs on them and they didn't want to get caught, so they took off the door panel and they put it behind there. This is before drug sniffing dogs. Like, dogs were really dumb back then, you know what I mean? They. They weren't allowed to reach their potential, so all they did was bite people that wanted equal rights, but they weren't able to.

[Bill Burr]

Weren't able to smell drugs.

[Nate Craig]

So they put it in there and they were just such drug addicts. They forgot that it was in there and they either sold the car or abandoned it or whatever. And Keith was saying every once in a while he thinks about that and wondering if it's still on the road. And somebody realizes this. A copious amount of smack or cocaine or something in the panel.

[Andrew Themless]

It's in there. They bought new drugs. They replaced the drugs. Yeah, this was. This was in the six days. So they were huge already. They just want to drive around.

[Nate Craig]

Whatever it was, it was. If it was the 60s, it was probably pure. Right. This is before the man got involved in selling drugs. You know, this is when it was natural. Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Wow.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. When I used to buy cocaine, it was literally the leaf. Wow. Yeah, it was like churning butter.

[Andrew Themless]

But cocaine, Bill, I never talked about your cocaine days.

[Nate Craig]

That's why my nose is so small and cute.

[Andrew Themless]

Wow. Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

No, I just blew out all the.

[Andrew Themless]

Caved it in.

[Nate Craig]

I blew out all the cartilage. I used to have a big Roman nose. People never saw that part.

[Andrew Themless]

Wow. Well, that therapy will help you with that.

[Nate Craig]

No, but you know what? Therapy. Therapy is just like comedians. I mean, comedy's great if you have a good comedian like yourself with a brand new special.

[Andrew Themless]

Yep. Married to it. MGM Grant live on Patreon and YouTube. That's right, Bill. That's a good point.

[Nate Craig]

See, there you go. Dress to the nines. I guarantee it. Right. But like, if. If therapy. But if it's a bad comedian, that's the longest fucking hour.

[Andrew Themless]

You know, you got an open mic therapist. You got a. You ever.

[Nate Craig]

You know. You know what? You ever see a comic that, like, used to be funny? Oh, yeah, used to be funny.

[Andrew Themless]

That's a wild scenario.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. And they got bitter and all of that.

[Bill Burr]

Well, that happens with therapists.

[Nate Craig]

They can't listen to. I got diddled by my mailman again. And they just.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, God, not this occupation again.

[Nate Craig]

And they just get bored and they.

[Bill Burr]

Try to fast forward.

[Nate Craig]

They need to evolve the solutions that.

[Bill Burr]

They found with other ones. And then it's you just like that.

[Nate Craig]

Like that.

[Andrew Themless]

Leave out steps. They leave out steps for people like you.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, that. You get that therapist that. That closes doing 43 minutes. Doesn't do the quite 45. Doesn't want to deal with the check spot. You can have those types of therapists, so you gotta. You gotta watch it.

[Andrew Themless]

Wow. I haven't even thought about that. You know, I've never gone to therapy.

[Nate Craig]

That's pretty good, man.

[Andrew Themless]

That's not true. I did. My mom thought I had a drinking problem when I was in high school, so she sent me to see somebody. But I have. I. Not that I don't.

[Nate Craig]

Was she right?

[Andrew Themless]

Yes. Yes, we all did. It was. That was. We've drank. Kids don't drink anymore. That's one thing. I was. I was. Wait a minute.

[Nate Craig]

Let's go back to you. And like, what was your excuse? Like, mom, we're in Wisconsin. What am I supposed to do?

[Andrew Themless]

I think that probably was my excuse.

[Nate Craig]

Then go see a major rock act. They don't come out here.

[Andrew Themless]

We also did that.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, did, did, did Summerfest and Yeah, I mean, Summerfest, they try to get it all out of the way. They put 12 bands on at once.

[Andrew Themless]

I saw Aerosmith at Summerfest. Saw Pearl Jam. So let me say, I mean, you.

[Nate Craig]

Two, Mini Pearl, they were all on the same show.

[Andrew Themless]

I saw Pink Floyd. They came.

[Nate Craig]

Let's get Wisconsin out of the way.

[Andrew Themless]

They. Yeah. No. Why? I don't Know, we just drank. I mean, it was a boozy town. It was just half the economy in Madison, and Milwaukee is all bars.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Massachusetts was like that. Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, for sure. And. But I mean, what.

[Nate Craig]

You know, I went to someplace the other day.

[Andrew Themless]

It was just something you could do that was breaking the rules, but also, like, not, like, kind of, like, dumb. Like, you know, like some people like stealing. Some people like, fighting. But drinking is like, you know, you can do it all. You know, it's like you. Yeah, you can do it all together. And. And, you know, you take a keg out to the woods. We did that all the time. That's all we did.

[Nate Craig]

So what, you were drinking, like, too many nights a week?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. By the. Yeah. Or just like, a lot? A lot. Yeah. We had, you know, a couple. Couple friends, parents were negligent, and we would just go over to their house and just drink all the time. Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, they were all right with you drinking as long as they knew where you were?

[Andrew Themless]

No, she wasn't okay with us. Me drinking, but, like. And the parents just didn't know, and we were just. We were just. We just would drink all the time. It was just like. And, you know, we were learning how to drink, so it was just ugly, you know? You know, you're a kid. You drink 14 beers before you know that you can only drink 10.

[Nate Craig]

Or if you're gonna drink 14, like, how long you should stretch that out?

[Andrew Themless]

You don't know that yet. I mean, I had a couple buddies who drink a case of beer in a night. We were high school children.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. It's like, we had one kid who could do that. That was literally his claim to fame.

[Andrew Themless]

We could drink a case in a night. That's my case.

[Nate Craig]

And he had groupies.

[Bill Burr]

He had groupies.

[Andrew Themless]

Groupies that would, like, what would they do? Sit on his box?

[Nate Craig]

No, like, hype men.

[Bill Burr]

They would walk around, go like, he can drink a case.

[Nate Craig]

He's on 15 right now.

[Andrew Themless]

Look at him.

[Nate Craig]

I've seen him do it.

[Andrew Themless]

He could do the NBC's backwards.

[Nate Craig]

I've seen him do it.

[Andrew Themless]

I've seen him do it.

[Nate Craig]

You know what the best part was? Aside from the fact he was a great guy? He was thin as a rail.

[Andrew Themless]

Dude, that's my buddy Chad.

[Nate Craig]

You didn't even know where it went.

[Andrew Themless]

My buddy Chad.

[Bill Burr]

Like those guys who win Nathan's Hot.

[Nate Craig]

Dogs every year, it's always, like, some.

[Bill Burr]

Guy that weighs, like, 130 pounds.

[Andrew Themless]

How are you processing this?

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. Yep, that was it. And the old we Used to have the old. Did you have these? The, like those old. They were cardboard, but it was like finished cardboard or something. Like those old fold open cases.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, finished. I thought you said finish. No, no, like imported your.

[Andrew Themless]

I don't know. I'm. I'm only saying that because I don't know what they were. But like the hard cardboard where you would open the box of beer and there'd be 12 here, 12 here. That was like the old school case. You, like, build furniture out of them. That was like all my friends entertainment centers.

[Nate Craig]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

Ours came on.

[Nate Craig]

Like, you could get the TV tray, one that had the six packs. You could just bring those up if they didn't have a K. Ours was like a suitcase, like an attache case. And you come walking up swinging those fucking things.

[Andrew Themless]

Aw, thanks for coming, doctor.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, and then you fucking set it down and hope you didn't get carded. It's what we would call carded. New York. They called it proofed. What'd you guys call it when they asked for your id?

[Andrew Themless]

Carded.

[Nate Craig]

Carded.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. I had a fake id. All you had to do was somebody had to do it for you. There was somebody who could do it for you. They were. That was like fucking Breaking Bad. Like there was some legend that could exacto knife the numbers and flip them around.

[Nate Craig]

That was the great. And then stick it in your mom's typewriter. That totally didn't even match colors. It didn't even match.

[Andrew Themless]

Like a ransom note.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Give me this case of beer.

[Bill Burr]

You know what?

[Andrew Themless]

I don't come home when I got close to 21.

[Nate Craig]

I just started handing them my real ID because they.

[Andrew Themless]

A lot of times, yeah, they're just looking. Then they'd hand. Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

No, because they're not looking at the date because they know it's going to say you're 21. They're looking for other shit to see if it's real. So I would get in.

[Bill Burr]

Not a lot, but a couple times.

[Nate Craig]

I got in and I had one time. The guy.

[Bill Burr]

It doesn't even say it twice. Get the fuck out.

[Nate Craig]

He was mad.

[Bill Burr]

He got mad and I laughed. You asked me for my id. I gave it to you.

[Andrew Themless]

So I can't come in.

[Bill Burr]

And he goes, I know what the fuck you're doing.

[Nate Craig]

Get out of here.

[Andrew Themless]

So I can't come in?

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

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[Nate Craig]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Nate Craig]

Yeah, those were the good old days. I definitely had a drinking problem like three times in my life for like nine year periods.

[Andrew Themless]

Late teens, late teens, late twenties now.

[Nate Craig]

No, I would say late teens into early twenties, mid thirties and my forties. Well, each time it was longer and then I was just like, all right, I gotta.

[Andrew Themless]

That's when I met you in your early 40s, I think.

[Nate Craig]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

That's when we started. We had a couple go around. There was one time you, you told the casino we were up in Canada. You told the casino to keep. To open the bar back open for us so that you and me could sit at the bar and drink a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue. Do you remember that? No. That was good. All right. All I remember is that I was like, there's nobody else in here. This lady, she just sat there and just like I vaguely remember that poured whiskey for us. It was great. Edmonton, some like casino in it.

[Nate Craig]

Okay.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, it was way back. It was the, it was a trip. We drove.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, I had some bad ones in Canada.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, I mean, what else are you gonna do? I didn't actually. I just went to Winnipeg.

[Nate Craig]

Dude. I had one. One time rumors.

[Andrew Themless]

Great club.

[Nate Craig]

And one time we, we stayed out until forever. Right. And the next morning I had to return this rental car and I was still hammered because I went to bed like two hours before and I get up and it's. Of course it's like zero visibility, fog. It snowed out and I can't get reception. We're like three hours north of Toronto. So I'm trying to remember how get to get back to the airport and I, and I can't.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh man.

[Nate Craig]

And I'm driving, I'm Gonna get busted for drinking and driving. So we drive back to the hotel, and I ended up having to tell the guy behind the counter, dude, I'm too shit faced. Can you bring it back? And he's Canadian. So he goes, oh, yeah, no problem. Okay, yeah, I got it. And then we took a cab. And that's how I made my flight, right? And I vaguely remember the night.

[Andrew Themless]

I love Canada.

[Nate Craig]

Wait a minute. So like two months later, I'm walking my dog, or a month later, and the rental car company calls me and starts telling me that I never returned the car. And I had totally forgotten. I didn't know what they were talking about. I go, what are you talking about? I returned the car. But blah, blah, blah. And I just, you know. And they called me like three times in a week, and I was, like, getting annoyed. I was yelling at him. And they. I don't know. It finally something jogged my memory. I was like, oh, my God, is that car still sitting at the fucking hotel? I don't think. I don't think he ever returned it. Or did he drop it off with the wrong one. I had no fucking idea. So I just fessed up to that. And then they said, okay, and they never called me again.

[Andrew Themless]

Did they charge you for the month?

[Nate Craig]

No, I don't think so.

[Bill Burr]

Wow.

[Andrew Themless]

All right, so Canada. So Canada. Still made good there.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, but Canada. Don't fucking say you're gonna return a rental car, would you? Not Canada, dude.

[Bill Burr]

Let me know something in the.

[Andrew Themless]

Got a lot to deal with. Canada. You got Trump talking bullshit to you.

[Nate Craig]

No, no.

[Andrew Themless]

You don't need to clean up after this guy.

[Nate Craig]

Let's be. Yeah, let's be honest. We were like.

[Andrew Themless]

You were bombed.

[Nate Craig]

We were bombed. And he was just going, okay, all right.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Okay, buddy. Yep. Okay.

[Andrew Themless]

That's not the guy.

[Bill Burr]

That's. That's. That's what he was doing. Yeah, I'm sure that that's what he was. That that's what I would have done.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Nate Craig]

I'm just gonna agree with you until you fucking leave.

[Andrew Themless]

Sure. The red Sentra. I'll get it right there for you.

[Nate Craig]

So. But I'll tell you this. I would have returned rental car.

[Andrew Themless]

You would have.

[Nate Craig]

I would have.

[Andrew Themless]

I would have.

[Nate Craig]

You know why?

[Andrew Themless]

Because you said you did.

[Nate Craig]

Why?

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Andrew Themless]

Integrity Bill.

[Nate Craig]

No.

[Andrew Themless]

That's what we're missing in this country.

[Nate Craig]

No, because I'm dumb enough to get myself in that situation too. So I got a soft spot. I got a soft spot for fucking summer school kids that do shit like That I just do. I will look the other way if nobody's really getting hurt.

[Andrew Themless]

How long did you say three hours to the airport? No, you said 30.

[Bill Burr]

No, we were.

[Nate Craig]

We were like three hours north of Canada. That was the problem. I couldn't get cell service. And then it was like fucking, like, totally, like, dude, it was like the sun was just coming up and it was super foggy, like after a storm or something. It was the middle of winter. So I just had everything working against me and I just. I. You know. You know when you just know you're going to get pulled over, I was just. Guy, I'm not fucking doing this. I'm not getting arrested in another country.

[Andrew Themless]

Bill Burr. Even if it is Canada, Everything working against me.

[Nate Craig]

You remember that show Arrested Abroad?

[Andrew Themless]

No.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, dude. It's the scariest show that was ever on tv.

[Andrew Themless]

Is that. This is just bad.

[Nate Craig]

Right up there, Right up there.

[Andrew Themless]

Stories from breaking the law in other countries.

[Nate Craig]

Right up there with To Catch a Predator.

[Andrew Themless]

You. You could. You would empathize. You would empathize.

[Bill Burr]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Andrew Themless]

Pedophile in a kitchen.

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Nate Craig]

What was scary about that was how fucking normal those people were. They were coming to abuse those kids.

[Andrew Themless]

My favorite rabbi. My favorite was a rabbi.

[Nate Craig]

My favorite one was the teacher, right?

[Bill Burr]

And he tries to run out of the house.

[Nate Craig]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

And he runs through the garage and all the cops come out and he had glasses on. He just went, God damn it. And he threw his fucking glasses.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

You know, I never thought a sex.

[Nate Craig]

Offender could make me laugh. It was just something.

[Bill Burr]

There was something about the genuine emotion of it.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, those guys. But.

[Bill Burr]

And I can laugh. I can laugh.

[Nate Craig]

And I can laugh at that because I've been that kid waiting at the house.

[Andrew Themless]

You earned it. You earned it.

[Nate Craig]

You know what? I was doing that TV show before there was a TV show. What do you think about that, kids? So anyway.

[Bill Burr]

Arrested Abroad.

[Nate Craig]

And that's not like. It's not like. Like little. It's literally like these people. You like, what the. Like, I'm gonna go to Columbia and I'm gonna tape a kilo of cocaine to my stomach.

[Bill Burr]

They just got.

[Nate Craig]

It was half. The reason they got caught was so stupid. I just remembered this guy talking about being in prison and he asked the person interview him. He goes, do you know what it sounds like to hear a man being raped?

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, my God.

[Nate Craig]

That's what he said.

[Bill Burr]

I had to shut it off.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, my God. Dude.

[Bill Burr]

Dude. It was like, I think that travel agencies paid.

[Andrew Themless]

I don't know what does it feel like to wait to be next. Jesus. Oh my God. Dude, that is. You think what travel agencies paid to get that taken off the air.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, I'm telling you, I didn't want to go to Florida after watching that fucking thing. I was going to go to Florida.

[Andrew Themless]

Florida.

[Bill Burr]

Now I don't want to go anywhere.

[Andrew Themless]

They need to reboot that show and make it come on floor. Arrested Abroad, American Edition.

[Nate Craig]

Florida's fun. It's got everything.

[Andrew Themless]

Just don't go to alligator Alcatraz.

[Nate Craig]

Everything you need. Well, they got that.

[Bill Burr]

But they also got Miami music. Let's just make it all about.

[Andrew Themless]

All right. Just don't.

[Nate Craig]

Mothers who aren't with their kids anymore surrounded by just alligators.

[Andrew Themless]

But they can taxpayer working a seasonal gig. And you're good.

[Nate Craig]

I know, I know. And you know what's funny is with all of this shit that's going on, our food supply is still poison. You have no idea what you're feeding a baby.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh well, don't worry.

[Bill Burr]

But let's. Let's worry about the late night schedule.

[Andrew Themless]

I'll tell you this. I mean that's a. Let's talk about that. But actually that's a great point.

[Bill Burr]

I think he makes a good head of a network. Let's see what he does.

[Andrew Themless]

That's a great point, Bill. That's a great point. The poison in the food supply, don't worry because it's all sitting in silos now. No, but China ain't buying it. Nobody's buying it. All these farmers got. My cousins can't.

[Nate Craig]

How do you know that?

[Andrew Themless]

I'll tell you exactly. I asked my cousins if they got their beans sold. They got none of them sold. Where they usually sell their beans, I mean the market is global.

[Nate Craig]

They sell China. Those fucking commie bastards.

[Andrew Themless]

China buys like 60% of our soybeans, dude. It's real. This is. This shit is real.

[Nate Craig]

Wait, we allow that.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, yeah, we do.

[Nate Craig]

Do we have made in the USA in our beans like they do on our MAGA hats?

[Andrew Themless]

Every goddamn one. That's. That's what. That's what Roundup does for you, buddy. Kills the bugs and lets them know come from. Because that's. Because there's. Because it's China, Bill. There's a billion people there. Who the f. You don't sell beans to a one kid eating a birthday cake.

[Nate Craig]

That's true.

[Andrew Themless]

There's people. You got to sell the beans to the people.

[Nate Craig]

That's true.

[Andrew Themless]

Yes. So anyway, back to your. Back to your Trump. Running a network. A television network.

[Nate Craig]

Joke I always thought if you had a lot of people to feed, you went with lasagna.

[Bill Burr]

You.

[Nate Craig]

You go with beans.

[Andrew Themless]

I mean, beans. You can go put corn and beans in anything.

[Nate Craig]

Well, sure, yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

It's a country. It's all right.

[Nate Craig]

You don't have to throw that word. You don't have to weaponize soy. I like the way you just said that to me.

[Andrew Themless]

I said it just fine. This part is loaded. But soy was just fine.

[Nate Craig]

I thought, you know what he does?

[Andrew Themless]

You're in the middle of making a good point, you're in the middle of answering his question, and he'll be like.

[Bill Burr]

I, I think you're attacking me. Another classic attack.

[Andrew Themless]

Everything working against me in this conversation.

[Nate Craig]

You didn't launch your head a little.

[Bill Burr]

Bit when you said it was soy. You didn't, you didn't do one of those.

[Nate Craig]

I don't know.

[Andrew Themless]

I don't know. Leftover on the tape. Maybe I did get a little neck into it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, that's like the. What do they call.

[Andrew Themless]

What do they call something I would do?

[Bill Burr]

It was a false start. We both stood up pointing at each other. He moved his head. No, I didn't. I didn't win.

[Nate Craig]

That's my favorite one.

[Andrew Themless]

What a jerk.

[Nate Craig]

I just love watching £300 adults telling on each other. That's my favorite part of a football game.

[Andrew Themless]

They can remember when they only used to be able to remember when they only be. Used to be able to call that on the offense. Now I don't now that. Now if the defense, you remember, like, the defense could like jump across the. The line of scrimmage. But if they got back in time.

[Bill Burr]

I remember that as a quarterback, if.

[Nate Craig]

You ran across the line of scrimmage, you were treated like a running back. I do remember that. Yep.

[Andrew Themless]

Not anymore.

[Nate Craig]

I mean, they thought women were being beaten back then. You should have seen what happened to the quarterbacks we're going to be backing. Oh, my God. Can you imagine if a quarterback was domestically violenting his. Whatever the word is. His wife.

[Andrew Themless]

Beating.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, beating his wife. And she complains about, you know, beating his domestic. Try playing the fucking Steelers with the offensive line. I have. It's all. What I'm trying to say is life is about perspective, Nate.

[Andrew Themless]

How you feeling, Bill? I feel good. Feel good. My wife's offensive line is in shambles right now.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, no.

[Andrew Themless]

So let's talk about the president's TV network. Bill, when you. When do you. When do you start?

[Nate Craig]

When do we start pitching him?

[Andrew Themless]

When do you start? When do you. When do you start this lucrative business of washing politicians balls that comedy has embraced.

[Bill Burr]

Well this, this is what I've learned.

[Nate Craig]

What I've learned is that when they were saying fuck your feelings and you're a bunch of snowflakes, they were projecting. And what the reality is is everybody's really sensitive and people don't like being made fun of. It hurts their feelings.

[Andrew Themless]

It does.

[Nate Craig]

And people on the right also have feelings.

[Andrew Themless]

Yep.

[Nate Craig]

Okay. And when their feelings get hurt, they get sad. But somehow people on the left are the touchy feely people. I think everybody is very sensitive. And what I think is what's wrong with the world right now is there is just an astounding lack of common courtesy and respect, empathy. And I would say it come like.

[Bill Burr]

If I was running, if I was running shit, I wouldn't be getting rid.

[Nate Craig]

Of talk show hosts, okay? Because they were doing impressions of me with bald caps on. And it hurt my feel feels. I would shut down cnn, I'd shut down Fox News, I would shut down all social media and I would remove the ability to leave comments on the Internet. And also the Internet rules of libel and slander would apply.

[Andrew Themless]

Well, it's a little late for that, Bill, but I have always had an opinion about 24 hour news networks. They should have one hour a day that they can call news. The rest of it's all sponsored content, one hour a day.

[Bill Burr]

No, no, no. The rest of the rest, I like that. But the rest of the day you.

[Nate Craig]

Gotta show like Teen mom or something.

[Bill Burr]

You're not allowed to say the sky is falling because of the other side. 24 hours a day, 365.

[Andrew Themless]

That is the problem and that is whittled away the middle in this country. And now we are just so on both sides. But I mean, I'm be honest with you buddy. One side's winning and they're not interested in freedom of speech anymore.

[Nate Craig]

So.

[Andrew Themless]

Well, if they're speaking, we are, we have a. We are lacking. We are lacking empathy like you said, you know your boy, the Twitter guy, he says empathy is a weakness. That is something that a dead eyed robot would say because it's how you make it as a species in an evolved society. But we are also lacking integrity and we have lacked it for quite some time now. People are not in. I mean integrity is basically, you know, you can lie to other people, but you have to be able to lie to yourself in order to do it with the efficiency of Donald Trump. And that's what people like about him. He just is able to float his own lies with zero problem. And it makes him feel like that's a way to be and it's just not.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. No.

[Andrew Themless]

And that's why he hates my plan.

[Nate Craig]

I would stick with my plan. So then everybody would have to.

[Andrew Themless]

I didn't have a plan.

[Nate Craig]

Everybody has to live in reality. So we stop blaming each side and this, that, and the other thing. In the same way that people who look at Donald Trump don't want to look at this guy like he's a lying, ambulance chasing, sue happy piece of shit. Liberals didn't want to act. They acted like fucking Mr. Magoo had all his faculties. And they also are acting.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. I don't know if there's a comparison. Dude, straddling the fence is getting a little bit harder. I gotta be honest with you.

[Nate Craig]

You don't have to be on. Just be honest with me. You don't have to tell me you're being honest. And also I got to be honest with you.

[Andrew Themless]

Okay, just be honest.

[Nate Craig]

Be honest with you. Just be honest is the Democratic Party has not let Democrats pick who the fuck they want to vote for for president. Since I'm not going to get hung up on.

[Bill Burr]

I didn't even get to finish it. I heard it before.

[Andrew Themless]

It's because I've heard it before. I get it. They sunk. Bernie Sanders, I wasn't happy with.

[Bill Burr]

Can I just vote for you?

[Andrew Themless]

I gave money to them.

[Bill Burr]

I just agree with you. Let's just do that.

[Nate Craig]

Let's just agree with.

[Bill Burr]

I agree with you.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, it's, it's, that's, that's.

[Andrew Themless]

This is a slippery slope. This is Donald Trump's ego, the slipperiest slope of all time. And that's where we're at. So, I don't know, going back and rehashing Democratic primaries from elections that we somehow lost because of the electoral college is maybe not, I don't know, maybe not relevant right now.

[Nate Craig]

Bernie Sanders and the Democrats said, no, fuck you, you're going with this company man. I thought that that's what happened happened. I thought that happened twice.

[Andrew Themless]

So we're talking about talking box.

[Nate Craig]

I'm talking boxing here. What's a better fight? Crazy Bernie versus Crazy Donnie or a company man fucking Hillary Clinton looking like she's gonna sell you a fucking something in the Poconos. Okay?

[Andrew Themless]

I don't know, buddy.

[Nate Craig]

It's like a real estate agent, Pastor fucking Prime.

[Andrew Themless]

I mean, she'd be, she'd be.

[Bill Burr]

She had no star. Like, I, I could have been a manager in this business and I could look and be like, she does not have it.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm not here to hear this on snl, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

How. Didn't have the time to run on issues you should have hoarded up.

[Andrew Themless]

How are we talking about Hillary Clinton right now, Bill? People, taxpayers are getting stuffed into rental cars by. By Johnny Sign up neo Nazi with fake federal patches on their gear, and we're talking about Hillary Clinton. Come on, guy. I mean, I don't. Jimmy Kimmel just got kicked off the air and Stephen Colbert off the air. Like, this is. There's no time for both sides. Shit.

[Nate Craig]

It's your perspective.

[Andrew Themless]

It is my perspective.

[Bill Burr]

There you go, buddy.

[Andrew Themless]

I think it's also your perspective. You just don't like that I'm having an opinion and you want to kneecap me.

[Nate Craig]

Wait, are you stealing my act? Now you're feeling attacked? I just fucking agreed with you.

[Andrew Themless]

You put a little agreement bow on a disagreement and called it an agreement.

[Nate Craig]

No, no, I said, let's just fucking agree.

[Bill Burr]

And then you said talking to Hillary Clinton. You did that to me a little bit.

[Nate Craig]

Dude, listen.

[Andrew Themless]

You fucking listen.

[Nate Craig]

I don't watch it.

[Andrew Themless]

It's good. Don't, don't.

[Nate Craig]

But I think all of you guys that watch it are fucking insane.

[Bill Burr]

I got. I went.

[Nate Craig]

Where the fuck was I? I came out of something. I got in. I got into an suv, and it had CNN and Fox News on, and I was in a good mood, and I looked at the headlines.

[Bill Burr]

Like them.

[Nate Craig]

Just like everybody's head was on fire.

[Bill Burr]

I just said to the guy, can you do me a favor?

[Nate Craig]

Can you shut this shit off?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, I agree with you. We don't have to pay attention to that. But where do you get your news then? People want to know. When you do absorb information. Bel. Bur people don't know. Where does it come from?

[Nate Craig]

Travel.

[Andrew Themless]

The real life experience. Good for you.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, I just travel around and I'm starting to read, and I got off Instagram and fucking leave me alone.

[Bill Burr]

Stop.

[Andrew Themless]

Would you stop with the.

[Bill Burr]

You act like, no, I couldn't handle Instagram.

[Nate Craig]

I was totally addicted to it.

[Bill Burr]

I. I had to move the app.

[Nate Craig]

To the end of the thing, and.

[Bill Burr]

Without even thinking, like a robot, my thumb would go beep and then click on it.

[Andrew Themless]

Well, now I know why you haven't shared my special trailer. But that's okay, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

I haven't.

[Andrew Themless]

No, no, I'm with you. I'm.

[Nate Craig]

Text me.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I don't want to be on that anymore.

[Andrew Themless]

I don't either.

[Bill Burr]

I don't want. I don't watch all of these people.

[Andrew Themless]

It's too much.

[Nate Craig]

I don't.

[Andrew Themless]

It's.

[Nate Craig]

My Instagram is in.

[Bill Burr]

In the water tank.

[Andrew Themless]

It has.

[Bill Burr]

Behind my toilet.

[Nate Craig]

It has kneecapped like a bottle of scotch.

[Andrew Themless]

It is kneecapped. A generation of. Of social activism because everybody's on their screens feeling like, I know, but it's all of us.

[Nate Craig]

It's all of us.

[Andrew Themless]

It is.

[Nate Craig]

And our generation, or the generation after us created it. It's like. It is when people used to trash millennials. It's like, well, we raised them or. So when you got you adults that. Are you bitching about the kids that you raised?

[Andrew Themless]

The parents. Yeah. It's the parents who are also on the screens that are the problem.

[Nate Craig]

That's who I go after. If I was in office, I go after the parents.

[Andrew Themless]

Parents. Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

That's who I'd be rounding up. Sticking down an alligator alley.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm your huckleberry.

[Nate Craig]

I'd fucking do that in a second. How you've been enjoying parenting?

[Andrew Themless]

It's great, man. The kid's great.

[Nate Craig]

That's awesome.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, it's busting my ass a little bit. But you can't complain when you got one kid. Nobody wants to hear that shit.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. And also, you don't listen to those people who go. It goes by. It goes by so fast. And they romantic take in every second. They're looking back on it now. You know, they get eight hours sleep every night. They forget what it was like to be in the shit. Okay. You can't take it all in. You're just trying to make it to 8pm at night. And then you say to your wife, hey, let's watch this show. Five minutes in, you're out. That's what it is.

[Andrew Themless]

We don't even try to watch this show. Yeah, we are out, dude.

[Nate Craig]

That's why it's so amazing that you took the time to find yourself a snazzy suit and fucking put out an incredible special that I actually watched as a stand up comedian.

[Andrew Themless]

That's the highest praise I could possibly do.

[Nate Craig]

That's like. You think Ted Koppel watches the news?

[Andrew Themless]

He does not.

[Nate Craig]

He is the news.

[Andrew Themless]

He is the news. Bill, you are comedy. That's a great point.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, but not in a good way.

[Andrew Themless]

Comedy is endorsing my comedy special right now.

[Nate Craig]

All right? And I did with my legs crossed, too. And when a white man crosses his legs and points at a camera, okay. God damn it. He wants to be hurt.

[Andrew Themless]

I just. We're getting into martyrdom territory. That's. I mean. And it's Nice. The left has a martyr now. You know.

[Nate Craig]

You just want to talk.

[Andrew Themless]

I do.

[Nate Craig]

Who do you think you're going to change, Bill?

[Andrew Themless]

I'm not trying to change anybody. I'm talking to my friend right now. And I value your opinions.

[Nate Craig]

The second we sit here with cameras on, we're in show business. I don't hope you realize that. I'm gonna tell you something.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm under no illusion that we are not in the business.

[Nate Craig]

Somebody told me something a long time ago. There's no business like show business. And I want you to sit there and think about that.

[Andrew Themless]

Do I have to sing the song too?

[Nate Craig]

Well, everything's fucking show business, right?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Well, so where do you go next? What do you take your Comedy cavalcade?

[Andrew Themless]

Minneapolis, next week, September 24th through the 27th. I'm Texas.

[Nate Craig]

Can I give you a VHS tape of my act from 20 years ago to see if they'll pass me?

[Andrew Themless]

I'll take it to him. He's a big fan. I know him. I know he is.

[Nate Craig]

Let me tell you something.

[Andrew Themless]

That club's great. That's so funny though.

[Bill Burr]

It's easy to be a big fan.

[Nate Craig]

From states away, okay?

[Bill Burr]

But when old fucking Billy Freckles showed up, he told me to hit the bricks.

[Andrew Themless]

Hit them bricks, buddy. Well, you.

[Bill Burr]

I didn't even meet him.

[Nate Craig]

That's how disgusting he was with my ass.

[Andrew Themless]

It probably hurts you that you asked them to return your rental car for you.

[Nate Craig]

You.

[Andrew Themless]

That didn't. That's not a good look. You were ham. You were cockeyed drunk on my stage.

[Nate Craig]

But he was a fellow American and he didn't do it.

[Andrew Themless]

You didn't do it. He didn't do it.

[Nate Craig]

It's.

[Andrew Themless]

I'll be in Texas middle of November. I'm doing Houston and Austin, I think the 19th and 20th. And then I got my whole. My holiday run.

[Nate Craig]

Houston. Houston's fun.

[Andrew Themless]

It'll be fun. We did.

[Nate Craig]

They have the best guitar store if you're a left hand. Left handed guitar player. They got a place, exotic. South Park.

[Andrew Themless]

Sounds like some tourism.

[Bill Burr]

Because they don't.

[Nate Craig]

They don't make them for us. They just.

[Andrew Themless]

Are you left handed?

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

You fucking freak. I never knew that about you.

[Nate Craig]

Well, I'm sort of both. Because when I was growing up, they didn't let you be left handed like.

[Bill Burr]

The word the world was for right handed people because they wanted you to get in that cubicle.

[Andrew Themless]

Right? It is, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Get in there at that paper factory woke left handed.

[Andrew Themless]

Bullshit.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

And marry the sad chick at the front Desk and have mediocre sex because.

[Bill Burr]

You don't know what it is.

[Andrew Themless]

Stay and stay and don't even talk about it in public. Don't. You don't need to teach my children about your left handed ideology.

[Nate Craig]

Yes. Yeah. Everything.

[Andrew Themless]

Victims.

[Nate Craig]

That's scissors, baseball gloves. Everything was just for right handed fucking people. So I throw right. I can bat both sides.

[Andrew Themless]

And you write left hand.

[Bill Burr]

I right.

[Nate Craig]

Left handed. I play guitar left handed.

[Andrew Themless]

Definitive right. That's.

[Nate Craig]

I play drums right handed. I'm a mess.

[Andrew Themless]

That's also responsible. You had the capacity to evolve. You've been engaging both sides of your. I don't even know. Is your dexterity one side of your brain? I don't even know if that's the case.

[Nate Craig]

Listen, I love that. That diagnosis from your non medical degree.

[Andrew Themless]

I'll give that diagnosis over and over again.

[Nate Craig]

Can I frame it?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. And this was a positive thing I said about you. And you're still. There's still a. There's still a tone in your voice.

[Nate Craig]

No, I, I'm going through some pointing right through some. You know everybody does. Everybody goes through some.

[Andrew Themless]

You're handling it pretty well. Bill. I know this, this conversation has been relatively enjoyable despite any contentiousness.

[Nate Craig]

I would call it vaguely hostile on my side.

[Andrew Themless]

Well, I. You know what? Thanks for pulling back the curtain.

[Bill Burr]

Well.

[Nate Craig]

Do you know when a comic has no point of view, my anger has no point of view. It's sort of rudderless.

[Andrew Themless]

That's. It is easy.

[Bill Burr]

I lost the engine. I ain't got a sale. I'm just out here on this lake. Anger man. I'm out here by myself.

[Andrew Themless]

Anger is easy. That's what. That's what I think kind of the problem that nobody.

[Nate Craig]

Whoever said that was a cunt who. Anger is easy.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm saying it right now.

[Nate Craig]

Well, you're a.

[Andrew Themless]

It is easy.

[Nate Craig]

And I, I.

[Bill Burr]

Look how easy it is for you.

[Nate Craig]

My endorsement away from your special.

[Andrew Themless]

Look at how easy it is for you to just start hurling sea bombs.

[Nate Craig]

You know, if you had points, you wouldn't have to point at me. How about that? You would just say what you had to say.

[Andrew Themless]

Whoever said that is a. And then. And then put your finger away. You're gonn me that?

[Bill Burr]

What do you mean?

[Nate Craig]

I'll.

[Andrew Themless]

You.

[Bill Burr]

You point right at you.

[Nate Craig]

I'll off sides on you.

[Andrew Themless]

Two spider mans right here. Oh my God. Buddy.

[Nate Craig]

Listen, dude, it's a silly world. It's. It's what you gonna do.

[Andrew Themless]

You're gonna envision a better world. That's what you're gonna do well.

[Bill Burr]

Why don't you tell the cunt upstairs to start tightening down the fucking bolts.

[Nate Craig]

And make some human beings?

[Andrew Themless]

Because that's not my God. My God is integrity, buddy. You can't.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, my God works for the Chrysler.

[Nate Craig]

Corporation in the 80s and he's making. He's making Dodge K cars with plastic wood paneling. That's what he's making. Like, it's just like. He just makes sociopaths and meatheads.

[Andrew Themless]

My God brews beer in Wisconsin.

[Nate Craig]

My God thinks my God's all right with everything I've ever done.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm only. I'm only guy. I'm the only guy I ever met got a. Got a God drinks beer on Tuesday.

[Nate Craig]

I'm the only guy I've met has God's email.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, man, I got direct.

[Nate Craig]

And he gets back to me that day.

[Andrew Themless]

Which. Which one of God's emails you got?

[Nate Craig]

The God, like, you know, the Ohio State, he's got.

[Andrew Themless]

I still. I'm still on the dot.

[Nate Craig]

God at Hotmail. Damn the God [e-mail].

[Andrew Themless]

I'M on the guy ever met in the text thread with Jesus and Moses.

[Nate Craig]

I'm the only guy I've met wanting to meet Frank Stallone instead of Sly.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm only guy I ever met. I'm only guy I ever met. Knows all all the mother, grandmother and granddaughter that slept with Bob Seeger in 1972.

[Nate Craig]

I used Bob Seeger as a reference recently, and it was perfect and everybody didn't understand it. I was trying to explain what my dad looked like when I was a kid. He had long hair and a beard, and one day he got a haircut. Oh, I know what this was. I went to see Sandler at msg and he was fucking hilarious. He had this song about a dad shaving off his beard. And it took me back to when I was a kid. My dad had long hair down, you know, down to here, just the earlobes peeking out. Like that time post 60s Beatles had already broken up and he had a big bushy beard. And he just, I guess, decided he was gonna go back to his old 1950s look. And he came back with fucking a haircut above his ears, clean shaven, and came walking in the house, had no idea who he was, and he kissed my mom. And I was just like, what in the is going on? Who is this guy?

[Bill Burr]

Why is mom cool with that?

[Nate Craig]

And then he started talking and then I realized who he was.

[Andrew Themless]

You actually didn't know who your father was?

[Nate Craig]

I know, I do Oh, I just.

[Bill Burr]

Realized how funny that is.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, Billy Blackout.

[Bill Burr]

All my dad had to do was shave and get a haircut and I.

[Nate Craig]

Didn'T even recognize it.

[Andrew Themless]

He's in the house. He's all the way in the house. Not across the street.

[Bill Burr]

That is an old school dad. Dads went to work back then. They got. They left before you woke up, came.

[Nate Craig]

Home, you were scared of him, you.

[Bill Burr]

Went to another room.

[Andrew Themless]

Who is this?

[Nate Craig]

So all it took.

[Andrew Themless]

Why is mom kissing the refrigerator?

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, I had an old picture of him rambling.

[Bill Burr]

This is dad.

[Nate Craig]

Who's that guy over there?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, we got to get your new updated photo because will carry this around in your wallet.

[Nate Craig]

Anyways, why did we do it? I think we did it. That was really enjoyable.

[Bill Burr]

This is what we do when we're on the road.

[Andrew Themless]

Hold on. Let me do the. Let me do my holiday dates. I'll be in Janesville. I'll be in Bozeman, Montana, December 19th. I'll be in Janesville, Wisconsin, December 20th.

[Nate Craig]

Isn't my show beautiful that time of year?

[Andrew Themless]

It's. I can't wait. I can't wait to see it. And this awesome place. Oh, last best comedy in Bozeman. And then I'll be. My show in Madison is at the Majestic. December 27th.

[Nate Craig]

Lucas Seeley up there. Who? Lucas Seeley.

[Andrew Themless]

I don't know.

[Nate Craig]

I mean, he's the best person I ever met from Montana maybe. I met him in Seattle and then he booked me for a gig up there. I think the only time I ever had a gig up there and I loved it.

[Andrew Themless]

I think. So he does the. Does he do the Big Sky Comedy Festival?

[Nate Craig]

I don't know. I'm not tapped in like that. It was a while ago that I went up there. I remember most about Montana was I was driving by and some guy in his yard had one of those coe fucking Jeepers Creepers trucks. You know, the cab over engine. Fucking gorgeous. Like, you ever see when guys like redo those things. They're so fucking beautiful. I don't know where you would drive them.

[Andrew Themless]

Just the flat front buses.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. And what they did was because they thought trucks were getting too long, they put a limit on the size of the trailer. So what they did so they could keep the trailer just as long, they basically put the driver on top of the engine right with the fucking windshield.

[Andrew Themless]

Instant fatality.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, back in the day.

[Andrew Themless]

Instant fatality.

[Nate Craig]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That fucking flying saucer steering wheel cut you in half and then the rest of you goes right through for a 710 split at the local bowling alley.

[Andrew Themless]

Do not drive with any topography in this thing right here.

[Nate Craig]

But weren't those the best looking trucks? I love those fucking things just coming down the street.

[Andrew Themless]

I like them for you, Bill.

[Nate Craig]

You do?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

I fucking, I drive one of those things.

[Andrew Themless]

Grand Rapids, New Year's Eve. I'll be there the 2nd and 3rd of of January as well. And then I'll be in Chicago at the Lincoln Lodge. January 9th, and I'll be in Boston. January 31st. Finally booked. Boston Comedy Studio.

[Bill Burr]

Get out of here, buddy. That one.

[Nate Craig]

Cambridge?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, I think so.

[Bill Burr]

All these years, somebody has a smart act.

[Andrew Themless]

I never played Boston. We'll be there January 31st, and I'll be in Milwaukee.

[Bill Burr]

I started in Boston. I never played Cambridge.

[Nate Craig]

They were like, no, no, no.

[Bill Burr]

Other side, other side. Well, you can, you know, get on the fucking.

[Andrew Themless]

They were waiting for you.

[Bill Burr]

Massive. Go over the bridge. You're over the bridge.

[Nate Craig]

You get on that side of the river. You don't come over here. This is the smart side with Cambridge and Somerville. Kidding.

[Andrew Themless]

I honestly don't know where it is. I've never, I've never played Boston. So. Boston, what's up? January 31st. Put that in your calendar.

[Bill Burr]

January 31st.

[Nate Craig]

Hopefully my Bruins will be all right this year.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Celtics.

[Andrew Themless]

They, they.

[Nate Craig]

Tatum. Is Tatum out for a whole year?

[Andrew Themless]

Man, I don't know. I feel like those. There was like three superstars that popped their Achilles last year, and it's just like, dude, what is happening?

[Nate Craig]

It kind of cost the Pacers a championship.

[Andrew Themless]

It kind of did, yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Like, and also cheated basketball fans out of an EP at Game 7. Had he led them.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, that. It was still, it looked good for a quarterback.

[Nate Craig]

It was good for the Thunder to win.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, yeah, it was good for the Thunder to win. I, I, but it sucks, man. That guy's a really good. I mean, he just crushes the Bucks. But I still, I mean, you can't miss what a good player he is. Like, he's just, he was that guy. He did the, he did the. Reggie Miller. He took out the Knicks in dramatic fashion.

[Nate Craig]

That was, that was the easiest money I ever made.

[Andrew Themless]

Oof. That series or that game.

[Nate Craig]

And the guy never paid me. He ducked my phone calls.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, you got some money out there from Knicks fans?

[Nate Craig]

New York sports fans believe that.

[Andrew Themless]

That's better.

[Nate Craig]

New York sports fans, dude, Hell yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

It's better owed.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, believe me, dude, sweet money. He owes me 500 bucks. But I've gotten, like, I've gotten at least 1500 worth of talking. I went, sean Connery.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Isn't that just like a Knicks fan?

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, man.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, yeah. Talking. Because he had be beating the Celtics, right? You know, after Tatum blows out his Achilles. So he's giving me all of this. I go, dude, all right, all right. I go, you're still gonna lose the next round. You know, I'm not sudden. All this sun, sun, sun. All right, dude, I bet you 500 bucks in the series.

[Andrew Themless]

500.

[Nate Craig]

Bang, bang, bang.

[Andrew Themless]

That game one killed him.

[Nate Craig]

It was that the text thread went.

[Bill Burr]

Like this.

[Nate Craig]

And then he just fucking disappeared.

[Andrew Themless]

Slowed.

[Bill Burr]

Where did he go? Where did he go? New York City is the home of.

[Nate Craig]

The whack a mole fan. When them.

[Bill Burr]

When they went in, they pop up. Oh, dude, fucking. You see what the Yankees did? And then when they're losing, like, the.

[Nate Craig]

Fucking Yankees almost got seasonally swept into August.

[Bill Burr]

They couldn't fucking beat the Red Sox or whatever.

[Nate Craig]

They won. Like, I couldn't hear from anybody. Then they took three out of four from us, and all of a sudden.

[Bill Burr]

Like, bears coming out of hibernation.

[Andrew Themless]

Hoity, Toity.

[Bill Burr]

Hoity and toity. Both Hoity and toy. You know what?

[Nate Craig]

You hate to see it. Yeah, you hate to see it.

[Andrew Themless]

It's tough on them. It's hard underground for a Yankees fan.

[Nate Craig]

No, they're not to. The fucking. The sports media blows them.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, the level of.

[Nate Craig]

The level of media coverage on Knicks fans every year in the playoffs, like, they're a part of the NBA. Like.

[Bill Burr]

Like they're like.

[Nate Craig]

It's like. It's. It's.

[Bill Burr]

The Lakers and Celtics are the NBA.

[Nate Craig]

And then I would say, like, the Miami Heat, the Golden State warriors, like.

[Bill Burr]

People have been there.

[Nate Craig]

People have done the Knicks.

[Andrew Themless]

I like the Knicks. It's better when the Knicks are good. So when the. Now that the Knicks are finally good, I like it. I'm not going to lie to you. I like it when the. When Madison Square Garden is in the playoffs.

[Nate Craig]

I don't mind coverage, but, like, the.

[Bill Burr]

Level of fucking coverage, right? Like. Like, like we're 30 years of an episode.

[Nate Craig]

We're watching, like some storied franchise return to the Summit. It's like they've won twice, right? They won in 1970 and 1973.

[Bill Burr]

This, like expansion franchises like the Miami.

[Nate Craig]

Heat, who've been in the league for fucking 35 years, have, like twice as many rings as them. I don't understand it, but it has to do with the size, the media size.

[Bill Burr]

They tried to hook him up. They fixed that lottery.

[Nate Craig]

They gave him Patrick Ewing. And then along came a guy named Michael Jordan. And they said, fuck that storyline.

[Andrew Themless]

I mean, fuck Jordan. It was Reggie Miller. Reggie Miller took him out just as many times as Jordan did.

[Nate Craig]

No, no, no.

[Andrew Themless]

That's why it was beautiful.

[Nate Craig]

Patrick Ewing was 85.

[Andrew Themless]

Halliburton did.

[Nate Craig]

Was 85. This was before Reggie Miller.

[Bill Burr]

Miller.

[Andrew Themless]

No, Reggie Miller beat the Knicks, too, in the 90s. Yeah. Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Are you trying to out old guy, old guy with me?

[Andrew Themless]

No, but I thought. I thought. I guess I just didn't hear. I missed what you were saying. Yeah, no, I mean, the Knicks had a couple different skeletons.

[Nate Craig]

Like, I love those early Knicks teams. To me, that was a.

[Bill Burr]

That was.

[Nate Craig]

That's what basketball teams look like, Oakley. And that was one of the toughest teams ever. Oh, my God. Everybody always talks about the Detroit Pistons, the fucking early 90s Knicks. If it was a street fight.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Other than Mahorn, they would have been in trouble. Yeah, dude.

[Andrew Themless]

Oakley.

[Nate Craig]

And.

[Andrew Themless]

What was homeboy's name?

[Nate Craig]

John Sally. Not John Sally. I'm sorry.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Wrong team. With the. No, no, no.

[Andrew Themless]

He always had the sick haircuts. Wow. Damn. Why am I blaming his name? I would thought.

[Nate Craig]

I think he passed away. Began with an S. And now I said John Sally. And I'm not my old brain. I'm not gonna be able to.

[Andrew Themless]

God damn it. Starks.

[Bill Burr]

Not. No, no, no.

[Andrew Themless]

The power forward dribble.

[Bill Burr]

Come on.

[Andrew Themless]

Thank you.

[Nate Craig]

I have no idea.

[Andrew Themless]

Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

Oh.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

I'm gonna be driving home.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, my God.

[Nate Craig]

I'm gonna be driving home and I'm gonna scream like Willis Reed or something.

[Bill Burr]

It isn't that Anthony Mason.

[Andrew Themless]

Thank you. Nice job.

[Bill Burr]

Condolences.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Anthony Mason.

[Andrew Themless]

Yep. And Charles. Charles Oakley, who they kicked out of the stadium. Didn't they kick him out of the arena? Didn't Dolan have him kicked out of the stadium?

[Nate Craig]

Hey, listen, buddy. You know, I don't kick a franchise when they're down.

[Andrew Themless]

Well, they're good now. They're fine now. You can kick them, Bill. You can kick them.

[Nate Craig]

No, no, they're fine. They're fine. Look, I actually. I root for the Knicks. That's what's funny. Where. Because they're not in the rivalry thing. You know, it's like when Charger fans try to come at Patriots.

[Andrew Themless]

That's why I root for the Bears.

[Nate Craig]

It's like. I didn't know we had a rivalry. Right.

[Andrew Themless]

I get it.

[Nate Craig]

You know what I'm saying? It's just like.

[Bill Burr]

That's what always surprised me, that Yankee fans.

[Nate Craig]

I was always like, touched that they took the time to hate us at least until the last, like, few years, but it was just like they owned us. Like, what are you so upset about?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, I get it. I get it.

[Nate Craig]

But I like when the Knicks are good. And I also. Paul Versi is one of my great friends and I just want to see. I know he's going to cry and I have to be there when it happens because he's not going to want to cry in front of me. And it's going to be. It's going to be an ugly cry. It's going to be like his, his wedding and he's the bride.

[Bill Burr]

That is. Oh, man. Paul, I'm talking shoulders shaking.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, man.

[Nate Craig]

Men looking away.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, my God.

[Nate Craig]

That is the level.

[Andrew Themless]

I got some Bear fan buddies that are like that right now. They're, they're, they're. Because they, they. I mean, I don't know if you. Have you watched the Bears? Have you watched Kayla Williams playing the NFL?

[Nate Craig]

I know that coach is Ben Johnson, and I'm glad he got back on his feet after that Olympic suspension.

[Andrew Themless]

They got this quarterback from usc, won the Heisman Trophy and he can throw. He's got a top. He's got arm talent, as they say, Bill. He can make throws that only couple guys in the league can make that throw that.

[Nate Craig]

How do USC offensive play that five.

[Andrew Themless]

Yard out to the other. To the long side of the field.

[Bill Burr]

You know what I always loved about?

[Nate Craig]

I always loved about USC's football program. For some reason, for like two decades, they were the only ones that realized that Samoans were like the most insane linebackers and strong safeties. And they just, like, they just had.

[Bill Burr]

A. I don't know if it was the climate.

[Nate Craig]

Then it's like, all right, if I have to leave this paradise of an island to go to the fucking home.

[Andrew Themless]

Of the Cheesecake Factory, I'm not going past the beach.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm not going.

[Nate Craig]

I'll play for San Diego State.

[Bill Burr]

I'll play.

[Nate Craig]

Dude, those fucking guys. And I just remember because I used to. I forget who I used to. It was Notre Dame, usc. So, you know, being from Boston, he voted for the Irish team. And I was just be like, why doesn't Notre Dame get some of these fucking guys? These guys are unbelievable.

[Andrew Themless]

Some of these apostrophes. Those are the original apostrophes.

[Nate Craig]

Fees. Yeah, Everybody. Yeah. Anyway.

[Andrew Themless]

All right, well, Tagovailoa was Junior.

[Nate Craig]

What did we. Junior.

[Andrew Themless]

He doesn't have an apostrophe. Say, I'll play It. Well, did he play college?

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. Yes, he did.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

I was gonna say, like, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Troy Palomalo. Did he play there?

[Nate Craig]

I don't know if he's Samoan. Those guys with that.

[Andrew Themless]

That's gotta be. That's got to be Samoan. That's gotta be Paloma Palomalu.

[Nate Craig]

You know, I'm old enough to know when I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Which might be the name of this entire episode.

[Andrew Themless]

Not me, buddy.

[Nate Craig]

All right. I'm excited for your new special. I'm excited for people to see it. Thank you for schooling me on your worldview. I enjoy.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, no, thank you for agreeing with my worldview. Yeah, you agreed.

[Nate Craig]

You know what?

[Bill Burr]

That's my new move.

[Andrew Themless]

Every five minute span of disagreements out of you was. Was the cherry on top was an agreement. And I appreciate you for.

[Nate Craig]

I'm just gonna do that for now.

[Andrew Themless]

Thank you.

[Nate Craig]

Mm.

[Andrew Themless]

You're good at that, doing this, and everybody knows you mean it. And that's why. That's why people like you. Integrity.

[Nate Craig]

I never looked at it that way, man. Thank you. That's a great worldview. You don't mind, I'm gonna leave right now without you getting violent. All right, I'll see you later. That's. That's how I'm ending every conversation. I'm only. And I'm just gonna change my accent. I hear you, dude. I hear you. All right, bro.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm only guy.

[Nate Craig]

All right. Hey, hey. Go Pats. And then I walk out.

[Andrew Themless]

That's good. That's good. It makes me feel welcome.

[Nate Craig]

Ah, geez. You know, I never looked at it that way.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm gonna Yelp your podcast.

[Nate Craig]

My mom's outside. She got us some pop. Ma, I'll see you later.

[Andrew Themless]

Hey, how do you like your pop? What flavor?

[Nate Craig]

Oh, you gotta go. Cherry coke. What do you like?

[Andrew Themless]

Root beer. What do you like? Cream soda.

[Nate Craig]

What do you like?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, root beer.

[Nate Craig]

That's lemon.

[Andrew Themless]

Lime.

[Nate Craig]

I can't. I can't do. I have to be in the Midwest and I start to pick it up, up.

[Andrew Themless]

It's a fun one. It's a fun one.

[Nate Craig]

It is. It is.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

You guys have pleasant cornered. You guys are some of the most pleasant racist people I've ever met in my life.

[Andrew Themless]

Chicago, January 9th and 10th at the Lincoln Lodge.

[Nate Craig]

The Lincoln Lodge.

[Andrew Themless]

Milwaukee, the next weekend, whatever that is. 16th, 15th, 16th.

[Nate Craig]

The. The Laverne and Shirley comedy Hut.

[Andrew Themless]

The you're laughing Fonzarelli.

[Nate Craig]

Fun, funny. Yeah, they got all those statues out there all Right. We're just babble and babble and babble some more. All right.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. Check out the special. Like it? Share it, Comment, subscribe. That's how people got to watch the thing. And then you got to. You got to let it play. The algorithm likes that.

[Bill Burr]

And we're going to end with, I like your free speech. As long as it's stuff I like to hear.

[Andrew Themless]

Clean up all that other bullshit.

[Bill Burr]

I don't want any out there that I don't like to hear.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm gonna tell you what I'm. I'm tell you.

[Bill Burr]

Free. Free speech ain't shit I don't like.

[Andrew Themless]

Don't you say shit about that guy that said that thing that my wife's friend told her.

[Bill Burr]

As long as what you say and I can fucking process, then it should be on tv. All right, but if it isn't, if they shit the fuck out of here.

[Andrew Themless]

If it challenges my worldview, or if it insults the fragile lizard brain ego of my king and lord and savior, and.

[Bill Burr]

If I can make it about this rather than a real issue, if.

[Andrew Themless]

I could tether our social democracy. We're about to find out how well the federal government actually ran, buddy. That's what I'll say is because these people are tethering.

[Nate Craig]

But they have agreed.

[Bill Burr]

The fucking.

[Andrew Themless]

The FCC, FEMA, the CDC. There's no scientists at the CDC.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking Epstein island, fucking 9 11, the.

[Andrew Themless]

Movie, all the Seas. Bill Moon landed.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know why I'm doing a Southern accent.

[Nate Craig]

Because I'm into conspiracy, too. I'm into two. I have. I got a lot of them. Conspiracy theory right now is that the NFL is done with the Chiefs. They feel like they've exhausted it and maybe that they need to, like, they're going to let them chill for a few years before they come back. Like the Patriots, right? And I think they're testing the waters. Like, I watched a game the other night, for some reason, I was looking at Josh Allen's wedding photos. I don't. To me, that seems like a reboot of Sandy Duncan and Tony Gonzalez there.

[Andrew Themless]

They've moved on. They've moved on, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I think.

[Nate Craig]

No, but I'm thinking.

[Andrew Themless]

I mean, he's. He's here, he's.

[Bill Burr]

No, but I think that the amount of eyeballs of.

[Andrew Themless]

Travis.

[Bill Burr]

Travis.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

God damn it, Travis.

[Nate Craig]

I'm a dog.

[Bill Burr]

I picked it up. Travis Kelsey and his fiance. The amount of eyeballs that they got.

[Nate Craig]

They'Re just like, okay, let's do that.

[Bill Burr]

That works. You know, like comics.

[Nate Craig]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

Crowd Work, post, post, crowd work. Now they're like, let's get into these players.

[Andrew Themless]

Well, wait until Josh Allen's wife advocates for women's health. Then that shit's over.

[Bill Burr]

Then I got it.

[Andrew Themless]

Then I got a deal. Well, I mean, that's why people hated Taylor Swift. That's why they don't. You know, are they really upset about a pop star in a box for three second of a broadcast, or are they mad that she advocated for women's health care, Bill? You tell me. Conspiracy. You're the conspiracy theorist here.

[Nate Craig]

How come she didn't advocate for my health care?

[Andrew Themless]

Because your healthcare is right where it needs to be, buddy. I'm guessing you got pretty shiny blue chip insurance. Should we text.

[Nate Craig]

I can tell you this right now.

[Andrew Themless]

Should I text Taylor Swift to.

[Bill Burr]

I can't tell you the last time.

[Andrew Themless]

Bill Burr on her counter.

[Nate Craig]

I don't even take out my insurance card anymore. Anymore. Because they just say no. I just go, how much? What do I owe you? Well, maybe we're on insurance. Let's just not do this. I want to get out of here. And you're going to put that in there. And.

[Andrew Themless]

What, copay?

[Nate Craig]

My insurance card?

[Andrew Themless]

How do I have better insurance than you?

[Nate Craig]

That should be because you fucking. I don't know. You married a doctor.

[Andrew Themless]

She's not a doctor yet, but yeah. Yeah, maybe.

[Nate Craig]

My insurance car. We gotta get a picture of a.

[Bill Burr]

Front desk lady gone.

[Andrew Themless]

We gotta stop buying your insurance off billboards, Bill. Who's in charge of this?

[Bill Burr]

It's the SAG shit. And they don't take it anywhere.

[Nate Craig]

Like, any place that actually goes where.

[Bill Burr]

You go, where the person knows what the fuck they're doing, they'll send you some generic place.

[Andrew Themless]

I've had that SAG insurance.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not going to some Costco dentist.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, I got my first cortisone shot with SAG insurance.

[Nate Craig]

Bill, we gotta go.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, we gotta go. All right, we gotta go.

[Andrew Themless]

That's it. All right.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you guys for watching. All right, just, you know, do what you want to do out there and. And it would. Anything that happened was his fault. It was his fault.

[Andrew Themless]

He did it.

[Bill Burr]

Nate Craig, everybody. We'll see you later, guys.

[Nate Craig]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 18, 2017. What's going on? How are you? You? How's it going, everybody? How are you Starting a new week? Getting out there, putting your pants on one leg at a time. Joe Six Pack going to work. I Got to keep it down. This is new. This. This is the new, more subdued, quieter podcast. Now that I have a baby daughter, I'm recording this Sunday night and that's all you need to know. My. Are you hearing that? Am I hearing some sort of weird noise there? I don't know what I did. My fucking mixer is acting weird. What happens if I push this button? Anything. Anything? Oh, there you go. Just goes into one speaker and then the other. One headphone and then the other. How are you? Did you enjoy your football Sunday? Did you enjoy a sports weekend? Did you follow politics? Did you watch college football? Did you stare at the wall, drinking booze, ignoring your loved ones? Well, if you did, I'm jealous. Oh, Billy. No booze. Billy. What hit Where? Oh, tell me where'd your booze go? Billy boy, Billy boy, tell me where did your booze go, Charming Billy. It's sitting over there. And every night I fucking stare But I can't have a fucking drop Cuz I got acting work Yes, I can't have a fucking drop Because I got acting work See, I'm slowly losing my mind. What if I just had one? Billy boy, Billy boy. What if you just had one Charming Billy? Well, then I drink the whole bottle and I'd fucking puke on the couch. And I'd be a fat fuck on camera. And HD, I'm down to 176 and change. I haven't been working out because I was playing catch and fucked up my fucking calf. That's how old I am. So I've just been eating like an angel, you know, after every bite, I count and I chew fucking 27 times on each side of my mouth. And then I take the napkin I wipe off like a angel. If there is a God, Allah, whatever the fucking peanut butter sandwiches you're into, remember that. Allah, peanut butter sandwiches. I wonder if fucking the Count's getting any death threats from extreme Muslims. Or maybe he was Muslim, I don't know. They never really said. God knows Sesame street was liberal enough, they probably would have thrown that in back then, right? And then Bob would be singing that song. What is it? Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood? The people that you meet each day. Oh, fucking puppet vampire that happens to be Muslim is in your neighborhood. It's too long. That's what it was. It's too fucking long. Haven't had a drop of Booze in fucking 32 days. 32 fucking goddamn days. I'll tell you Right now, I'm not even gonna lie to you. This was the longest month in a day of the year. Without a doubt. It's fun in the morning, it's not in the evening. Like right now. I just want to get fucking blasted, you know? I don't know. Can't do it though. Can't do it. Gradually coming down. I got to get down to a buck 72. My fighting weight. As Bob Pogo says on F is for Family Season two. Are you watching? Are you liking. Are you giving it a thumbs up? Whatever the fucking scoring system is over there at Netflix, you know, I don't know what they're using now. I think they said they were going thumbs up, thumbs down. And I think they stuck with the star system. I have no idea. I. I don't pretend to know. My whole fucking weekend has just been about keeping my fucking leg raised. I went to this fucking party on Thursday night with my lovely wife and the host of it was giving a big speech and I was stone sober and I had to go over and sit in the corner. It was outside in this guy's lawn with like a tent, right? And I'm sitting, I go off in the corner to sit down, stone sober with a fucking. I had like club soda and lime. The hardest thing for me to order because I can never remember what you say. I could just. For some reason, I can never remember club soda because I never order it. And half the time I go up to the bartender, they'll be like, what can I get you? I'm like, what's that thing people drink when they don't drink? And then they go, club soda. I go, yes, with a lime. I'm not even trying to be funny like a third of the time. That's how I have to order it because I can't remember what it is because I never order it. So I'm on my second club soda in lime, and this guy who's hosting the party, fabulous host, he's fucking thanking all these people. I had to go outside the tent because I see a stone wall where I can sit down because my fucking ankle is filling up with fluid.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Nate Craig]

It'S becoming twice the size of my other ankle. But, you know, I went to the, you know, I just went into some walk in clinic and the guy looked at it go, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I can tell.

[Bill Burr]

You what you did right now. I can tell you from across the.

[Nate Craig]

Room without even doing an X ray, you know, walk in clinic type shit. You know, So I go to sit down. The guy's in the middle of this great speech. Everybody's fucking listening. And I don't know how, but I set my glass down and I reached back to get something. I knocked it off and it made the. And it was like a fucking wine glass, so it sounded like a booze glass in the middle of his speech. And like half the tent fucking looks over at me. I spilt it on my leg. I did all of this stone sober. So my chaf comes walking out, she's laughing at me going, what did you do? And I was all embarrassed going. I was going, nia, stop making a scene. Like, I felt bad enough as it was. And then she got mad at me because I got like, I got, you know, I got emotional with her. So she didn't talk to me for like two fucking days because of that two fucking days, she started talking to me, you know what I mean? Like, if she ever spilled a drink on herself and half a tent of people looked over at her and I walked over and said, like, what did you do? You know, mad she'd be at me. But that's how it works in the male, female dynamic, all right? You're either wrong or you were too mean when you were right. That's basically how it was. That's what it was. I think I was guilty of being too mean. So anyways, I. I watched a little bit of the Patriots today. I saw the first quarter, I taped the game. I'm gonna watch the rest of it. Patriots looked a little bit better today. Obviously it's early in the season. You know, this is what they always do. They hype up shit because people are. When beating teams or losing to teams and all this shit that you're not gonna see in January, who gives a fuck, right? That's just getting going. And I actually went to. I went to the StubHub center today and I saw the new Los Angeles Chargers. Their first game against the Miami Dolphins. I went down there. I got to tell you, that might be the best stadium I've seen a football game in at the NFL level, simply because there was only 25,000 people there. I can't believe the Patriots are playing the Chargers on the road. If I could see Tom Brady in a 25,000 seat stadium, that'd be fucking incredible. That's like old. That's like what the old NFL used to look like back before, you know, we out fucked all of those other stadiums back before Lady Gaga and fucking Whitney Houston and everybody brought all These other people into the game, all these people who were just like, oh, my God, what else happens after the concert? And they started watching football. So they had to build 50, 60, 70, 80, 100,000 fucking seat stadiums. 25,000 seat seats. I got to see two Wiley veterans, two gunslingers. Philip Rivers. Philip Rivers against. What's his face there? Jake Cutler. Is it Jay or Jake? Jay Cutler, that's right. Jay Cutler. Right? Am I going to say his name right? Jay Cutlet. I like it. One guy's a fucking religious freak with 90 kids. The other guy's like, set him up. Up, set him up. Let's have another drink. Right? Jay Cutler. There you go. That's right. Jay Cutler. So San Diego had the goddamn game one. Wait, this is showing me a bodybuilder, is it Jake? This is the age I'm at now. I don't know anybody's name anymore. Jake Cutler. There we go. Where are we? No, it is Jay Cutler.

[Bill Burr]

All right, whatever.

[Nate Craig]

This fucking guy, right? He leads his team down the field. They go ahead by three points. And then San Diego comes down the field. Philip Rivers, he doesn't give a shit. You think he's worried about a fucking two minute offense? This guy's got nine mouths to feed. Imagine having nine kids. You just come home to a standing ovation, everybody's freaking as you have a crowd. You have a fucking crowd of kids. How amazing is that? Till they all become teenagers and then there's a 10 to 15 year period where they hated you. You know, you never made sure that.

[Bill Burr]

I also got staked, dad. You always sat down the other end of the table. I wanted to sit closer to you.

[Nate Craig]

I think he's gonna deal with all of that shit, right? Was a great game. Fantastic. Fucking stadium had great. There's not a bad seat in the house. I'm telling you, before they moved to some giant monstrosity of a fucking stadium that they're sharing. Rams, I believe. And it's gonna, you know, bankrupt the city before they do that. If you get a chance, definitely go to the StubHub Center. It's phenomenal. You know, it's funny, I was, I was sitting there, I was watching the game, and I see this guy flying over in this helicopter, the Robinson 44, during a game, he's. He looks like he's not even 500ft off the ground. Flies right over the stadium. And I, with my limited knowledge of aviation, realized that when this, a big event like that, it's an automatic temporary no fly zone. An hour before and an hour and after the game. I believe that. What is if not two hours before and after, right? This jerk off flies right over the stadium. I'm sitting there with my buddy going, that didn't look like a copper.

[Bill Burr]

I.

[Nate Craig]

You can't. I don't think you can do that. I'm just a novice, but I do not think you can do that. This jerk off comes by again. He's on his side, showing all the passengers down in it. And then like two seconds later, like, a police helicopter comes flying over. I don't know if he got in trouble or what, but I don't know. I know some pilots listen to this shit. Like I said, I don't ever pretend to know anything about that stuff. As far as my limited knowledge. You are not allowed to do that. God forbid something happens, and then you fucking land on 25,000 people watching. Fucking Jay Cutler, right? With keg booze coming out of his pores, going up against the other guy from Ash Wednesday, right? Are these Kansas City Chiefs for real? So I, I got a taxi on the way down, and then on the way back, I called the car service and I'm telling this guy, I'm like, meet me at 184 in Avalon, all right? There's a Kentucky Fried Chicken right next to a donut place. Can you fucking meet me there? Right? So the guy's like, yes, I got donuts. All right, great grab. Great, right? So we get down there, right? The game ends. I walk out there, 4:15. He's supposed to pick me up at 4:30. I call the guy up, he's like a city block away, everything's going good. Then all of a sudden, the cops are everything. They're like, they're like uber and Lyft 192. Walk down, walk down to 192, right? And I'm sitting there going, well, I'm not Uber or Lyft car service. I'm like, these guys are going to with me. So I try and call this guy. I call the guy up and I keep telling the guy, he's going, okay.

[Bill Burr]

I'm a block away. I'm a block away.

[Nate Craig]

And I'm going, yes. Yeah, forget the Kentucky, the kfc. I'm going, no, no, no, no, no, no KFC now. No kfc. There's a donut shop right next door. I'm gonna walk over, see if you can turn in there. And he goes, okay, okay, kfc. I'm going, no, no, listen, I'm walking over, I'm walking over, all right? Forget it. You can't walk into the donut place. I'm gonna go down to 192 in Avalon.

[Bill Burr]

He goes, okay, the up parking lot, KFC.

[Nate Craig]

He just kept saying that, like a prank show. And I'm literally getting angry, yelling, no 192 in Avalon into my phone. And, like, people with kids are turning around looking at me. So I'm trying to put more of a happier tone in my voice, and it's just not working. And he just kept going, okay, KFC parking lot. I come. No, 192 in Avalon. And then I finally go, dude, just repeat it. Repeat it. He goes.

[Bill Burr]

He goes, yes, yes. I go, repeat what I said.

[Nate Craig]

He goes, 192 Avalon. I go, fine, fine. And then, like, he calls me back.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, I'm pulling into the donut shop.

[Nate Craig]

And I'm going, I finally had to fucking take a picture of 192 in Avalon and send it to the fucking guy. Then he showed up, right? And he was the greatest guy ever. Greatest guy ever. And I was like, all right, you know what? Maybe I got a little emotional, okay? There's 25,000 people walking up and down the goddamn street here. I don't know what to do here. Maybe, you know, I don't know what. But I will tell you. When I was at the game.

[Bill Burr]

Kafcy.

[Nate Craig]

When I was at the game, the. These people in front of me, I've never seen this before. We're drinking. What's that? Mexican beer that begins with an M. Begins with an M. It's fucking gold, right? This looks like a trophy. Looks delicious. Especially after 32 days of not boozing. So these people in front of me are drinking this shit out of a can, and they had this shit on top. I'm like, what the fuck is that? Is that crushed red pepper flakes? What is it? This guy next to me goes, chili powder. They put chili powder around the top because I don't like it. I'm like, is that like white people putting a lime in a fucking Corona? He goes, yeah, it's something like that. He goes, you know, I don't really like it. I was like, well, I gotta try that. I mean, not right now, but eventually I'm gonna try them. It looked like the shit that you put on, you know, that are the warning tracks of these new baseball stadiums. That's sort of sanded, sort of rubber. That's what it looked like from fucking far away. So that guy proceeds to get absolutely plastered. And after three fucking quarters, he comes back up and yells to the crowd that they stopped serving beer at the start of the fourth quarter. And he's yelling about how dumb it is this. And that's one of those moments where it's good that I also wasn't drunk, because I would have been like, yeah, buddy, you're the reason. You're the reason they do that, because you can't hold your alcohol. Look at you. You're a mess. So I actually went to this game, and this is like a record for me. I didn't have any booze, and I didn't eat any of the food. I had, like, two handfuls of peanuts and drank, like, three waters. That's it. Because I can't be a fat on this thing, you know? So I fucking go downstairs to take a piss, right? And there's this fucking guy just yelling at the police. And there's, like, two cops there, and then there's three, and then there's five. And I'm walking by, I go down, I take a piss, and I come back, and there is, like, half the police force is standing there, and there's this white dude screaming at all of these cops, screaming, you gotta do something. Go up there and do something. Another white guy's yelling, dude, it was like, total white guy moment. Like, yelling at 20 cops. He's not getting the kicked out of him. And they actually listened to him. He went up, they kicked two guys out. And the other guys were like, really? Like, oh, all right. They just sort of left. I don't know what they did. I don't know what the fuck they did. It was the weirdest thing, was the two guys screaming, looking like the ones that were gonna get fucking arrested. Like, we're demanding that these cops go up and do something. And then they finally fucking did, and they threw these guys out. It's a really bizarre day, but once again, a phenomenal fucking sports experience if you go there. So I apologize. A lot of this shit is gonna be all sports stuff. That's kind of what I did this weekend. I kind of hung out with my daughter, and I just watched a bunch of sports. And did anybody put on the NFL Network and watch Dan Marino? A Football Life? It was amazing, but, like, you can't do the Dan marino story in 30 minutes. That should have been an hour and a half long, at least. And as much as he. I feel like he finally got his due. As you're watching Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, all of them saying, this was the guy. This was the guy them finally Putting to bed this whole thing that you know that because he didn't win a Super bowl, like that's some sort of like black mark up against the guy's fucking name. The guy. He was so ahead of his time. He was such an unbelievable fucking quarterback. It took 25 years, a quarter of a century, and a massive change in the rules of passing and how you could defend against the past for people to start fucking with. What this Guy did from 1983 on, he was unbelievable. You know what kills me is his dad taught him how to throw, bro. Ball arm comes up, ball comes out. And I can't even tell you how many times as a Patriots fan we played him twice a fucking year. I thought Andre Tippet had him. His arm, the football would still be at his waist and Andre was bringing his fucking arm down to get him and somehow his arm would come up and it'd be out. 40 yard fucking laser. Oh my God, he used to kill us. He used to kill. For all you young Dolphin fans out there that fucking hate Tom Brady, you know, because he's been beating your ass two games a year for like almost his whole career. Just about that's payback for Dan Marino, I'm telling you. Dan Marino, today in his prime, would easily throw for over 6,000 yards. Easily. And if you could actually win without having a running game, which you can nowadays, the way the fucking game is changing, change, he would have at least one super bowl ring. Okay? I'm telling you one of my favorites of all time. And I'm glad they finally did the Football Life. And I think it was at least an hour too short. All right, there you go. I've said my piece. That's coming from a Patriots fan too. And when he played, I fucking hated him because he killed us. I didn't really hate him, but you know what I mean, I wasn't pleased with him. Alright, let me do a little bit of the. Something has to break up this sports talk. Guys, I gotta. I gotta do the fucking. I gotta do the reads here. Here's a new category I wanted to start and I should really fucking know this guy's name. I want to start a new thing to write in, okay? So this podcast doesn't get any more stale than it already is. Is your favorite performances by non stars in movies where you and your friends still quoted. It's an unknown actor and you may never even saw him again. Never even seen the person again. So me, I'm gonna kick it off. I don't even know this actor's. Name. Let me look this up. He was in Reservoir Dogs. Cop, buddy actor. Let's see if I can find the name of this guy. I don't know what this fucking guy's name is. I got to give him a shout out, you know, I'm gonna hit pause because I want to give this guy a shout out. Up. Okay. Unknown, unheralded, unheralded actor. As far as I know, Rich Turner in Reservoir Dogs. It's one of my favorite fucking just one scene actors. I don't know, I don't watch a ton of movies, but I fucking love this guy. He plays the cop in the bathroom when what's his face, Tim Roth is sitting there with all the drugs and he comes out and there's a dog, dog sniffing the drug. Sniffin dog. Sniffin drug sniffing dog. See, he was in Pulp Fiction too. Meaning also. Yeah, he wasn't in a lot of movies, but he plays my. The way he. He's being the cop and he's telling that story just the way he. Like the line. I said, buddy, I'm gonna shoot you in the face if you don't put your fucking hands on that dashboard. That's just the way it's written. And the way he. It did it, he goes, I said, buddy, I am gonna shoot you in the face if you don't put your.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking hands on that dashboard.

[Nate Craig]

Just the way he said it.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know why.

[Nate Craig]

That sounds exactly like a fucking cop to me. So that was like something just me and my friends, we would be fucking hammered, striking out with chicks, and you'd just be walking out to your car and one of you invariably would just go, buddy, I am gonna shoot you in the face. And everyone just start laughing, you know, put your fucking hands in that dashboard. Who are your favorites? Who are your favorites? They just had that one thing. Your fucking friends. You still quoted, man. I just knew a bunch of those. There's obviously a zillion guys. There's a zillion lines in fucking Pulp in Goodfellas, by the way. Rest in peace, Frank Vincent, the first big guy to go from Goodfellas, man. I mean, what an absolute legend. What an absolute legend. He was as amazing as an actor as his hair was. What a head of hair that guy had. Good Lord, Jesus Christ. What a head of hair that guy had his whole friggin life. That's what you say when you're bald. You fucking see that on people. Look at that guy. I don't know if I ever had that hair Some people, you know, some people, they just fucking. I don't know what genes that guy has. That guy, he must have had a Roman emperor or something in his fucking family tree. Credible actor and so goddamn funny. Comedic timing was incredible. I even loved that commercial he did. I think his only line was, oh, that guy was like stocking up the freezer. And he was disrespect him. His buddy just kept going, oh, oh, definitely gonna miss him. And that was definitely somebody on my bucket list. You know, I get a movie, I have like two, three lines, but I. That was definitely a bucket list to ever be able to do a scene with him. And what was so cool, Michael Rapaport, quite possibly the funniest guy in social media right now with his videos. I was so goddamn funny. He actually posted a picture on his Twitter account. You should check it out. I think it's amrapaport and it's him working with Frank Vincent in the early 90s. It was like really early on, and he got a picture of him shining Frank Vincent's shoes. And he said, at one time, Frank Vincent made me go home and get my shine box. And what I love was a lot of people now can look back on it as a classic, and everybody's quoted it a zillion times. But Rapaport already knew, go home and get your shine bucks. He was on that early 90s. They've barely done editing it. He already knew that. That was an instant classic. I gotta get him back on the podcast again. He has so many amazing stories. Anyways, let's get back. Let me finish this. I had to break up up the podcast reading. I mean, the advertising reading. Why do I always say the wrong thing first before I correct it? I don't know, Bill. Because you're dumb. Because you have a zillion things on your mind, you know, Fair enough. All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. What you might not know, there's a lot of things you do know. 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I can mail any letter package trying to be interesting with my line. Read like that guy, buddy. I will shoot you any package. I'm going to read the next fucking sentence. The way he broke that up. Let me just finish this one first. Any package using my computer and printer and the mailman to Pick it up right. Avoid the hassle of the post office and mail everything from the postcard. I can't. Still can't do it. Doesn't have the rhythm. And everything from postcards to envelopes to packages domestic and or international. Create your stamps account in minutes online with no equipment to lease and no long term commitments. Stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail or your based on your needs. No need to lease an expensive postage meta. I use stamps.com whenever I send out my posters because I'm going to whore myself out at the end of my shows for a couple of bucks. I'm a moron if I can figure out, so can you. And right now you Too can enjoy stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long term commitments. Go to stamps.com Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr B U r R. That's stamps.com enter burr. All right, all right. Well let's get back to what the fuck. Okay, okay. Formula one. Did you think I wasn't going to talk about Formula one? What'd you think I was going to talk about? How Mississippi State fucking trounced my LSU Tigers? You know, another one of my favorite teams, SMU giving away 56 pounds per player on the offensive and defensive line against TCU. Come on Frogs. How SMU was whipping that horn toned ass for the first half before they wore him down. They just leaned on him. Do you think I was going to congratulate the Cleveland Indians on an unprecedented 22 in a row? Is that what you thought I was going to do? You think I was going to do all of that and I wasn't going to talk about that Formula one race down in fucking Singapore? That race made me sick. It's one of my favorite races of the year. It's at night, it's in Singapore. It's one of the most beautiful, amazing, kind of freak me out cities I've ever been to in my life countries. It really is one of the most beautiful, like amazing fucking city where you just feel like you're overbearing parents are home all the time. It was fucking raining. It was night. It was raining out. Okay? The Ferraris were running great. Daniel Ricardo was running great. Mercedes wasn't doing that well. You know, I don't know if Hamilton had a fucking. I thought it was all tied up. Maybe he was up by three points. I can't remember number, but Ferrari needed to show up on this day, all right, and if you watched when they were doing the time trials on Saturday and you saw what was like trying to drive behind somebody doing 100, 50, 60, 70, 80 miles an hour with that rooster tail of water coming up, I mean, it was going to be an unbelievable race. God knows whoever's in first place and then first turn is going to win the goddamn race. Race. All right, so Sebastian Vettel, the Ferraris, they get first and third, all right, with Daniel Ricciardo. And the Red Bull is in second place. I believe that's the way it was, right? Fucking Mercedes are back in fourth and fifth. So the goddamn race starts. All Ferrari has to do, all he's got to do is just make it to the first turn in first place unscathed. He's gonna win this race. Okay, worst case scenario, Hamilton gets second place. That's only 18 points. Vettel's gonna get 25. He'll pick up, you know, whatever. What is that, seven points? The race starts. Kimmy Reagan, he acted like Greg Brady when, when he, when the pressure was on to beat him. Gotta beat Marcia. Gotta get close to that quarter of an energy, stomps on the gas, tries to go around. Oh, I'm sorry, it was Max Verstappen, not Daniel Ricardo. Tries to go around the guy. Their fucking tires get all interlocked there and they go up and over. He up his car, slams the Red Bull car into his teenage. The other Ferrari, Vettel makes it to the first turn unscathed. Meanwhile, fucking not unscathed. But he makes it there, but his car's fucked up. It got hit in the back. Meanwhile, fucking Louis fucking Hamilton, he drives right around the shit, right as he's sneaking by, fuckhead comes back in with his fucked up car. Greg Brady, right, smashes in to the fucking Red Bull guy again. And who does he hit? He hits the fucking Alphonso in the fucking orange car trying to do the exact same thing as Lewis Hamilton. But Lewis Hamilton's the Derek Jeter fucking StarChild just blessed 3000 hit. You hit a fucking grand slam. One of these guys. And fucking Vettel drives like, you know, two more turns and the whole front of his car comes off. Both Ferraris out of the fucking race. They were in first and third place or first and fourth. I can't. I don't remember.

[Andrew Themless]

Remember?

[Nate Craig]

They had him. They had him and they let him off the hook. They were both out of the race before it even fucking started. And all I could think is what my dad used to always say, when somebody would do something like that, you'd be, ah, Christ, this guy, that guy. Christ, that guy. He could fuck up a free lunch. That's the first expression that popped in my head. I think I tweeted it. I was so fucking pissed. Ferrari could fuck up a free lunch. I mean, that was a free lunch. Lunch. No one could drive fast that day. Mercedes weren't running well the whole fucking weekend. So what do you do? You take out yourself and your fucking teammate. You clear out the whole fucking front row for fucking Lewis Hamilton, who just drives along unscathed. That guy, Lewis Hamilton is a blessed man. That's one of those deals. He's one of those guys makes you believe in a higher power like this. Just somebody that just fucking loves. I mean, I'm taking away all the preparation to man does, but, you know, he cuts around the outside, no problem. Alfonso goes through the same thing. His day's over. Unbelievable. And then the rest of the race, they're riding around the rain and Hamilton wins. No problem. Unfucking believable, man. I wanted to see a race. I knew that Hamilton was going to try to. He wasn't going to be happy sitting in, you know, all the way back there.

[Bill Burr]

You're right.

[Nate Craig]

Right. Who would be right? I wanted to see what the fuck he was going to do with his car not doing that well in all of that rain. Would he actually crash? I mean, you know, he's going to push it to the fucking limit. All of that was out the second it started. Like, remember that year the jets were supposed to be good in like 99, in like the first game, Vinny Testaverde goes back and blows out his Achilles. And then Keyshawn was crying after the game. Game. That was the original.

[Andrew Themless]

That's my quarterback.

[Nate Craig]

That was the original. That's what it was like. I still watched the race. It was still. It was still exciting, but Jesus Christ. Anyways. And then I also. I watched the boxing. That's all I did this weekend, is I just watched. I'm writing an episode of F Is for Family. So I just stayed in the whole weekend. And when I wasn't writing, I was just watching spring sports. And I'm not a big boxing guy just because I've gotten over so many times on the pay per views, so forgive me if I up the pronunciation. Is it Golovkin versus Canelo? And that took me back. That's what pay per view boxing used to be. I'm not saying you didn't get every once in a while back then. But it was just, dude, it was forehead to forehead. Just. It was a war, feeling each other out, respecting each other and all that shit. And then the usual bullshit happened. You know how that fucking lady saw it, 118 to 110. I mean, I, I, Jesus, I, I don't know shit about boxing. And I was like, what the fuck? And I loved how Roy Jones in the fucking end goes like, he goes. I love that it was a draw, you know, because that means we get to see this again and next time there's definitely going to be a decision. And I, I felt like, I felt like he was like, they were like, roy, don't bring this up. This is the Illuminati script of boxing. Please don't bring this up. That this whole thing is, that it was going to be a draw if we had any way to make this thing be a draw so we could do it again. But it was great. It was a great fight. It sucked. I thought Golovkin clearly won the fight. I just thought he was backing him up the whole fucking time. And I know Canelo had some big shots towards the end, but he, Golovkin just fucking walk. He ate them all up. He ate him up. He just. And he would back off for a second. You just come back and then he would fucking give him, you know, if he took two, he'd come back and give him two. I just thought, you know, I don't know. I agreed with. Dude that, that guy who screams all the time, I'll tell you right now, I got to fight nine rounds of. That guy's always screaming. Do they have him in the crowd so he can't hear himself? Does he not have headsets on? I love that he yells every fucking time. I don't know. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The decision obviously stunk, but I did not feel that I got fucked on my money. I feel like the fighters got fucked. And I retweeted this rant that Teddy Atlas went on and it was, you know, somebody has to say, I just don't understand how it's still that corrupt. Corrupt. It's just they've never like it was weird. Like Vegas was totally corrupt and totally mobbed up. And then they cleaned it up by putting those corporations in there. Who then you on everything, including the steak. Why can't they clean up boxing?

[Bill Burr]

Can they get the mob out of.

[Nate Craig]

This so that the corporations can come over on the legal side of stealing and people more than they ever have.

[Bill Burr]

Maybe they have.

[Nate Craig]

I have no idea. I don't understand it But Teddy Atlas said, I'm not. I'm gonna butcher how he said it. He said those guys went in the ring and came out less of who they were, meaning that they. You do permanent damage to yourself. I mean, when they were breaking down the. They were breaking down the power shots and all of that type of shit, it's like. I was watching Rogan's recap of it with Jim Norton, and Rogan read some stats where this guy, he took. Okay, you know, here's the blue. His head. He took 118 punches to the fucking head. I haven't taken 118 punches to the head in my life. My older brother used to beat the shit out of me all the time. But we knew you kept it to the body. That's why your father wouldn't see it when you came home home. So. But other than that, I mean, it was. It was great. It was everything that I knew that Mayweather and McGregor wasn't going to be. And that's why I didn't rent it, and that's why I spent my money on that. I still got. But is Tommy Morrison still alive? Okay, I have to hit pause on this because I got to watch this. He's a relative of fucking John Wayne, in case you didn't know. Sorry. He's a boxer back in the day. All right, I gotta read some of the shit here for this week. I can't see anything here doing this in my fucking living room. We bought these things when we. Yet another thing I had to fix on this house. They had these fucking awful lights on the wall, so we bought these sconces, these really fancy fucking things. And the thing. The fancy thing in front of the light is so goddamn thick that it always seems like it's on a dimmer. It probably should have just bought a higher watt bulb. I don't know. This has got to be one of those moments where you're like, why the fuck am I listening to this guy? He's talking about the fucking light bulbs in his living room. I'm sorry. All right. DNA testing at Ravens game. Oh, boy. Dear Bill, I love the podcast. Love you stand up. I love efforts for family. Thank you. I have to start promoting that at my standup shows, too, because I feel like a lot of people. People still don't know the show's on. So if you get a chance, if you give the show, tell your friends about it and everything just so we can continue doing the show, it'd be awesome. He said, I wanted to hear your opinion on this very weird giveaway at Sunday's Ravens game. I'm a season ticket holder for the Ravens and it's not unusual to get little freebies when you enter stadium. Commemorative coins, beer koozies, flags, etcetera, etcetera. Sunday is the home opener and some company is giving away free DNA tests. So I guess this happened yesterday. Free DNA test. What are you trying to do? Figure out if you're a fucking human being and it's not even some Ancestry.com type shit that could give you some semi useful information. You're not getting any useful information from Ancestry.com they're doing what this company's doing. I don't know what they're doing, but they're not trying to help you out. Do you really need to know how much Scottish blood you have in you? Do you really need. So what you can do?

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Nate Craig]

Go out and go feel justified buying a fucking kilt? You're not Scottish, you're a mutt. The article I linked says they're testing for four genes. The test offers insight into your mind, body and health is what they claim. It seems like this company just wants a bunch of data and they figured that an NFL game is a great way to, to get 70,000 mouth breathing fucking morons. That part was me. 70,000 people's DNA all at once. The company is also partnered with the 49ers so testing might come to San Francisco soon. What are your thoughts? Keep up the good work and go fuck yourself. I think I know exactly what this is. In the future, people's DNA is going to be. It's just starting to become a revenue source. Source. The way your phone number and all of this other shit that they get from you at CVS and all these fucking places. It was another revenue stream where you were buying shaving cream, tampons, whatever the fuck you were doing. And then they would get personal information from you that then they could then sell to other fucking companies. I think it is now that they've exhausted all of that. They're now moving on to fingerprints, face recognition and DNA. And they're going to share this with everybody. And I know the robots are coming. I don't know how to. I don't know where this all lands. I know that there's talks in the future that human beings could be meshed with robots, if I had to guess. They're probably going to get to the point where with your DNA they can grow another you and say, well, that's not really you, the real you is going to the Ravens game. So we're going to do all kinds of kinds of Nazi doctors, Nazi doctor esque type experiments on this with the robot before we release this to the public. That's where I think it's going. All right. And you know, I don't want my twin adult brother coming into this world at 51 years of age. Because I figure another two years, they'll probably start doing it and getting a fucking, you know, bionic arm put on as he's screaming in fucking pain. Because God knows they're not going to use fucking anesthetic because that, that DNA version, you will be the property of a corporation and will have no rights to fucking anesthetic. Why don't I write sci fi? You know, I did the whole thing about how you had to take a taxi test, and if you flunk the test on the population control, you just walk into the ocean. And now there's a movie coming out about that. I don't know, maybe I'm just not original. Maybe I should start writing these things. That sounds like a cool movie, right? You have to go save yourself. You know, Hollywood. Do some creepy happy ending where you're just staring there at yourself, touching each other's face and everybody, everybody's crying. I don't know, you throw Will Smith in there, somehow it's a winner. All right, whiny fan complaining. All right. Howdy, Bill. I'm a four year podcast listener and I saw you live in San Antonio early this year. I think you're a hilarious guy. And obviously it's your podcast and I should go myself, but I think your Trump positions are kind of unfair. Oh, God, not another political fucking person. He did call himself Alpha being. I think your Trump positions are kind of unfair. Well, then you think my Hillary ones are fair. All right, God bless you. I know you're just a comedian. I know you have a lot of fans in the, quote, real America. Oh, there's the left talking down to the right. Okay. And so you have to tow a line. Fine. Isn't. This is the classic. I really hope the person who wrote this is listening. Sir, you are inventing all of this in your head because you're upset about something politically. Okay. Are you mad at what I'm talking about? About Trump? Is that what this is? You feel I have to tow some sort of fucking, what, liberal line because I'm out here in Hollywood. But Trump is, to my mind, obviously a dangerous guy. I won't go through my whole list of grievances, but he thinks climate change is A Chinese hoax, supports white supremacists. And just this week, through the lives of 800,000. He didn't use any comments. 8 million people who were brought here as children into disarray. I know every president has skeletons, but even a liberal like me, oh, this is a Hillary person can see this guy is nothing like WW or George H. Dude, when did I say I like this guy? I never did. I never said that I liked the guy. I just said people freaking out about him and losing their fucking shit. I should have been more specific. Like fucking white people. Acting like the needle in your life, life was going to change that fucking far. All right, by the way, you know, if you really want to see a bunch of skeleton, both of these people. I mean, this election was essentially 2am at a bar. I mean, you had to go home with somebody, right? Probably shouldn't have. Listen, this fucking guy thinks climate change is a hoax. Fine. All right? Hillary was all for bailing out these fucking banks in 2008, which is exactly what the happened. And all these people who stayed in Florida riding out the storm and everybody's making fun of them and saying how dumb they are for staying there. They're probably upside down in their house and unlike the bankers, don't have another house that they can go to. Yeah, evacuate the area and do what? Go with half of the Florida and sit in a fucking Waffle House in Georgia. And then what? I don't have enough gas money to get back. I love the complete lack of sympathy for people that completely fucked in 2008, which Hillary was totally all about. She was also all about fucking, you know, ignoring the wishes of the people on the left who voted more for fucking Bernie Sanders according to this trial, and colluded with the Democratic Party to ignore those votes and box Bernie Sanders out. And she just took the nomination. And now all of a sudden she's got the fucking balls to sit here and talk about the Electoral College. Okay, she's not a good person either. And I'm not saying W was. I told you I was done. I'm not saying W. I mean, sorry, Donald Trump. I said I was done with Donald Trump. When he said that both sides contributed to the violence, that he couldn't even get himself to say that those Nazis might be a little out of their fucking minds. The neo Nazis. I told you I was done with the guys guy. Okay, but you hate the guy so much. You're hearing what you want to hear. All right, maybe I don't trash Trump enough. On this podcast But I don't feel that I need to. Everybody, at least in my profession has a bit on how stupid the guy is getting dry mouth talking about this. So I, I, I don't. And for you to sit there, you, after four years of listening to my podcast, acting like a I tow some sort of line. Did you ever listen to my fucking advertising? I lose advertisers all the fucking time, okay? If I was toeing some sort of line, I would read those things like I was on fucking Lawrence Welk hyping Geritol. I don't. Okay, I tow a line as far as I say what the fuck I think is funny. That's the line that I am toeing here, sir. I'm sorry. The guy that you wanted to fucking win, didn't fucking win. I know, I know. Trump's out of his fucking mind. And I don't need you wagging your fucking finger at me and give me a goddamn fucking lecture as if I don't understand that. This guy's fucked up, okay? So why don't you look at your own up your own fucking skirt. It'd be a little more even handed. All you fucking guys. I mean, I guess you got to whine about Trump because he's actually the fucking President of Jesus Christ. The fucking pass. I don't know what the fuck it is that Hillary gets is unbelievable. P.S. hillary sucks. That's all I get on this side, you know, he said, look, man, I just think that despite what you're saying about being comedian, you do have a platform. Fuck you, buddy. Fuck you. You're not putting that on me, all right? I can tell you this right now, dude. If you get your political information from a fucking stand up comedian who can't even read out loud, you use this thing to decide who the leader of the, quote, free world is going to be.

[Bill Burr]

Be.

[Nate Craig]

I can't help you. What am I supposed to do? You know what I would say to you? Send your fucking DNA into the Ravens. Um, anyways, you do have a platform. And while I'd never dare to tell you what to say, I hope you will consider what happens when you play down the danger of his behavior. Um, let me ask you this, sir. What exactly would be happening now if the other fucking bought and paid for twat went in there? What do you think would happen? What do you think would happen? Huh? Do you Honestly, while she admits that global warming is real, what do you think would happen? Do you think she's going to do anything? The most she could be in there for is eight. They just wait him out. Al Gore in 1992 said that there has to be a car that gets at least 100 miles a gallon by the fucking year 2000, something like that. And just kept delaying the project and delaying it and delaying it and delaying it and delaying it. And then they were out of office and it just fucking went away. There you go. So I don't know what to tell you. I have to tell you, buddy, I always vote outside of the Democratic and the Republican Party, okay? Unless I find somebody within them, like a Bernie Sanders, who I feel will actually hopefully make more people within those bought and paid for fucking groups, I don't know, take a stand for fucking regular people. I mean, that's what I do, okay? I don't like Trump. The guy makes me sick to my stomach. I think he's. I absolutely think the guy's fucking racist. But I also think Hillary is the fucking devil. And in a lot of ways, we sidestepped a bunch of other shit, okay? We walked into a bunch of other shit with Trump, but you definitely sidestepped. Come on, man. Everybody, anybody with any remote sense of intelligence knows that, you know, that was the Blue Bonnet bull, all right? That wasn't the. That wasn't Alabama versus Clemson or that was, you know, that was the holiday bull election, all right? Actual money based. But I'm, you know, I don't know. I don't know why you needed to send me that. Dude, you honestly think that I want to see kids get sent out of this country? I don't. I don't. I don't. Okay? So stop turning me into the fucking. You know what it is? Do you know why this country's fucked up? There's a guy who can't read out loud that does a podcast twice a week. And I'm telling you, that is, if we could just get him to politically say what we feel, I think we could turn this country around. We're taking callers. I said, buddy, actual money based on gold. Hey, Billy. Gold bullocks. That'd be great. Have some gold bullocks in that fucking diamond encrusted pouch. I was listening to Rogan's podcast recently, and he had a guy called Peter Schiff on, and he was talking about goldmoney.com. this is basically a private gold reserve where you can buy gold, which is held in a secure vault.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, is it?

[Nate Craig]

Listen, you give us our money and we'll have. We'll hold your gold. Great. So they keep my cash and the gold. Do I got to send them a donkey too. And using a prepaid MasterCard, you can pay for goods and services with your money backed by gold or platinum. If you'd rather buy that, I would do that immediately. Or when the dollar crashes. Effectively, what the bank banks used to do before they sold the foundations of our currency here is here in the uk, Gordon Brown sold all the diamonds that back sterling when the bank shit the bed. I don't know what any of that means here in the uk, Gordon Brown? Who's Gordon Brown? Or is that a bank, like fucking JP Morgan? Sold all the diamonds that backed sterling when the bank shit the bed. Oh, okay, so you got your money back, Is that what you're saying? I just this minute signed up. This sounds like a commercial. And I'll be putting some money into it. Although not all my money, as it's always best to diversify when you stash your saving. I think it is much better than Bitcoin as it's actually based on something of value. I love you and go fuck yourself. Sir, why don't you just take your money and go buy a gold coin? Why don't you just do that? Why don't you take your paper and go buy some gold and leave with the gold rather than giving your money to this fucking person you're not going to meet. And he tells you that he has. How do you know there's gold there? He's basically doing what they're doing with Fort Knox, where they say there's all this gold in there and then there's rumors that it's fucking empty. I like the direction you're going in, but I think you went out of the frying pan into the fire with that one, Grant. I don't want to shit on whatever that guy's doing because I got your abridged version of it. But that reminded me of that movie Blow, where Johnny Depp's character gives him $2 million in cash and they give him a book that says $2 million on it and he goes to jail. He never gets his fucking money. All right, My girlfriend's daughter is causing us to break up. Is that a bad thing? Thing? Jesus Christ. I mean, you're already dating somebody that already has a kid, so that's going to be already 100 times harder to make that work. And then the kid doesn't even like you. So, I mean, maybe she's doing you a solid here. Hey, Bill. Okay, here we go. So my girl and I of seven years both work for the same company, and I was Offered a better position in Florida. And she was also offered a position as well. Now, here's where the daughter comes in and fucks up the flow. Yeah, because she probably wants to stay at her school. Her daughter's 14, is just starting high school and refusing to move. And her mother is going along with not forcing her to move and is going to pass her. Is going to pass on her position. We agreed I will not move down and get things in order until she. Wait. We agreed I will move down and get things in order until she gets there in four years. Now, for the past few weeks, we've been getting into more fights, and her reasoning for the fight is, sit down for this one, Bill. She says it's easier for me to leave when she's mad. She's fighting you because it's easier for you to leave when she's mad. I think that's the dumbest fucking reason I've ever heard. Also, she keeps saying, I'm going to go down and find myself some black ass and end up cheating on her while I'm there. Would love to get your take on this situation and get your insight on what I should do. Thanks. And pick up a fucking drink, you pussy. Fuck. I would say. I'd say there's a staggering lack of trust. I think the key here is to not get into an argument with her, is to just sit down and try and discuss it with her and just say, listen, listen, we agreed that this is what I was going to do. And now what it is is, you know, I think this is what happened. What she did was she did what was best for her daughter and she put herself with you in second. But she still sounds like cares about you and the fact that you're down there. She's worried that you're going to leave and she misses you. I think that that's what's happened. So I would just ask her, is this some, like, misdirected anger where you're actually just saying that you miss me and you love me? Is that what you're saying here? We could work through this. And then if you're really not going to fuck around on her and you're really going to see it through, then you ought to be able to just say, listen, I'll do whatever it takes. I'm going to be there in four years. If you're not lying, I think you ought to be able to work your way through it. And I think this has less to do with the daughter than it has to do with the fact that she just missed it. You. And she's afraid that you're gonna find somebody else down there, evidently. Wherever you moved. Where there's a bunch of black ass down there. That's what I would guess. So you guys need to get on the same page. And you need to have an honest moment with yourself before you fucking slowly tear the band aid off. Either get the fuck out of it or totally commit to her. I mean, seven years at this point. Why aren't you dropping a fucking ring off? That ought to shut her up for a good couple of weekends. It won't shut her up permanently. I can tell you that right now. Oh, I can tell you some stories. Oh, can I tell you? So sit right back and hear a tale, a tale of a married guy who jumps through all the fucking hoops and still gets the evil lie. All right. My wife. My wife is a whole. Dear Billy Butter Tits. Fuck you. I'm losing weight. My wife. My wife decided to have an affair four months ago. Oh boy. Before I knew what was going on, she told me she didn't know if she wanted to be married to me anymore and that it was because I was too controlling. And by controlling she means. I told her as a stay at home mom, I had expectations. I expected her to keep the house clean and take care of our children, as we agreed when she quit her job. Yeah, I mean, which is a totally fair ask, you know, but nowadays in this world of hyper fucking feminism, not all feminists are bad. But the fucking, the, the God is great. Fucking crazy ones there. Yeah, they would say that that was sexist. That, you know, well, why don't you work all fucking day and then come home and also have the house clean, you know what I mean? I mean, look, if you got a bunch of kids, it can only be so fucking clean. But the least you could do is order a pizza, right? Anyways, I would come home to her friends being at the house and her drinking all afternoon. Well, Jesus Christ, she's not even making an effort. This is what happens when you have in the first round, buddy. You know, you get those second rounders, they got something to fucking prove, you know, that's what happens when you marry a 10. I'm assuming she's good looking. If you're putting up with this shit, I would get home from work after being gone 15 hours and have to say something about how I felt that the house was a wreck and there was no dinner in sight. It never seemed to matter. Back in January, we moved to Denver from Atlanta, thinking everything would be better. And she met this 25 year old guy who she proceeded to sneak around behind my back with and bring our children around. No way. I'm 38 and she's 35. We have two children and we've been married for almost 12 years. Yeah, dude. Yeah. This is a wrap. Yeah. And now she wants a divorce and plans to move this kid into our home with our children. Oh my God, dude. This is the worst person ever. I am beside myself with the thought of the divorce and this punk kid living with my children. Oh my God. I know it won't last, but the fact is I don't want my children to be around this piece of shit, let alone living in my house. She thinks this is perfectly okay to put the kids and I through this. I do love her and would do anything to save our marriage. But the truth is she is delusional in at this point and I guess I am too. What do I do to stop this? I know this is not my fault because I busted my ass to build the life she always dreamed of only for her to think she can kick me out of it. Any advice and or the lovely Nia you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Yeah, man. I mean, this is the things. This is what can happen to a guy. But you're not allowed to talk about this on television, are you? You never, never, never. You can talk about guys being overbearing, domestic violence, all those things that should be brought to light, but they will not talk about this. You watch Dr. Phil talk about this. You watch him blame the guy. So she saying the reason that she sucked his was because you weren't paying enough attention to her. You need to try to pay attention more to her while she's sucking his dick. What do I do to stop this? I don't know. At this point I would be thinking about my kids and how I could make this as. Look, dude, is this what the fuck she wants to do? This is what the fuck she wants to do. Do how you make this as easy a transition your divorce. I can tell you this. I know you called her a here. Don't ever say that to your kids. Because at the end of the day, it's still their mother and you gotta, you know, you gotta look the other way. I don't know, dude. This is. This is outside my realm. I can tell you this. Dude, you're fucking 38 years old. You sound like a great fucking guy. I would just. Whatever you got to do for your kids, I would do that her is a fucking lost cause, all right? And I would. Yeah, I would do that. And I would start P90Xing and go out and get yourself a fucking beautiful, good hearted fucking woman. Maybe even if you have time. I would go to therapy and figure out. Figure out how the you ended up. Unless she's just a total psycho, like, so you don't go out and marry that again. Figure that out. What the. I'm trying to marry you off already. Jesus Christ. You're just getting out of something. I don't know, dude. This is my head spinning over this one because I'm putting myself in your shoes. I don't know what the I would do. Oh, man, that's a rough one. Some other guy going and telling your kids to pipe down. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I would talk to somebody about this way beyond my fucking educational level. That's what I would do. I hope you get through this thing. And what a fucking mistake she's making, I can tell you that. But the way you described her. Granted, I only get your side of it. She does not sound like the point of person that even when she does does it up, she'll admit it. She'll probably still put it on you and. But you know what? It'll all come out in the wash and your kids are gonna know that you're a fucking good guy. So. Whoa, geez. Can we. Can we end on that? I don't know. I don't think so. Hang on a second. Nia. Okay, my fault. I thought she could. Come on. She can't. She's got to do mommy duty. I gotta have her back on more, man. Man, miss having her on here. Anyways, that's the. That's the podcast for this week. How about those? Dolphins 1 and O, top of the AFC east, you know, Patriots 1 and 1 in second place. It's still early. Kansas City looking tough. What else? Cowboys defense is in shambles. Brett Ernst called me or text me all concerned about that. But it's still early. It's still fucking early. We'll see. What's going on. My beautiful daughter's crying downstairs, so I'm gonna go handle that shit. And literally and figuratively. God knows. That's it. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Enjoy the Monday Night Football game tonight. And once again, congratulations to The Cleveland Indians. 22 in a row. I've not, you know, obviously never saw that ever. That's fucking incredible. That's almost. It's almost one in a month's worth of games. Yeah, Bill. There's 30 days in a month, and they almost play every day. Yeah. Thank you, Bill. All right, go yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.

[Bill Burr]

What's up, everybody?

[Paul Versi]

And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast for NFL week number three. Everybody's hurt, guys, and the. The season is flipped upside down. I'm your host, Paul Versi.

[Nate Craig]

Over here.

[Paul Versi]

You got Bill Burr over there. We have the injury report. As always with Jake the Snake and the Greek Fre Andrew Themless in Beverly Hills. Dude, Joe Burrow. I just got to talk about this because every year I pick a team to really make noise. I'm saying Joe Burrow and the Bengals are gonna. Gonna. They're gonna go toe to toe with the Ravens and the Bills. And poor Joe Burrow is out, Bill. Not for a week or two months. Months.

[Bill Burr]

What happened?

[Paul Versi]

Ah, Jake. Jake. What happened to him isn't the story.

[Bill Burr]

Isn't the story. I know there's a lot of big NFL stories, but how about. I've done almost the impossible. I haven't had a win in two weeks. I'm 07 and one. So I just hope all you guys. Dude, if you realized I didn't know what I was talking about early this season, last season and the season before, you have made a lot of money betting against me, Bill.

[Paul Versi]

I'm two and six. The show is not off to a start this year. What can you say?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, but you always do that. And then October comes. You're Mr. October on this, and then you start spanking that bookie ass in November. You do this, Paul, you have a flair for the dramatic. I've always been Billy. Win some, lose some. Yeah, you're Steady Eddie. I'm the two and two kid. You're. You know, maybe what I said happens, maybe it doesn't. I. Nothing. No, I'm right in the playoffs, but the regular season, I. Dude.

[Paul Versi]

All right, Jake. Jake the Snake is back. Jake, what happened to Joe Burrow? And what is the time frame on this guy?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, unfortunately, he basically fractured his toe in that Bengal game. So they call it turf toe, but, like, when you actually look it up, it's really just a lot more serious than the name. So he's about three. They said three months. So, I mean, that's pretty much the entire season. And our friends.

[Bill Burr]

Wait, Turtle was a broken toe all of these years? I thought there was something about playing. Playing on Astroturf that gave you some sort of toe plantar fischeritis, that it was some special thing. They break that toe, dude, yeah, there's no turf anymore. Maybe that's what it is.

[Paul Versi]

It basically shut down. It shut down Deion Sanders, last few years of his career. Deion Sanders, like, they kept saying turf toe, and I never knew what it meant. I was like, can't they just fix that? But it, like, it's. I guess it's bad.

[Bill Burr]

Is it like tennis elbow, but with your toe?

[Paul Versi]

It's like the ligament. And now he'd lost his toe.

[Nate Craig]

Toe.

[Bill Burr]

He doesn't have that.

[Jake the Snake]

He got his toes off because his toes are off.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Paul Versi]

Dion. Dion does not have three toes on that foot.

[Bill Burr]

Time out. I want to hear from the rugby people now over in England. So sick of them saying, like, these. Roy. Bunch of. It's just like, dude, when I guys. When I guys have done. I've seen a guy, he had his foot removed, toes cut off. Ronnie Lott, his finger cut off. Suicide. I don't. Does that happen after you play rugby?

[Paul Versi]

Oh, Bill, you know, we got to talk about. I'm not. I'm glad that we watched this, Bill and I, at the same time we're watching. We got to talk about the Canelo bud Bud Crawford fight. First of all, dude, watching two hall of Famers go at it and. And everybody saying Canelo's gonna win, including Max Kellerman, who called the. Who called the fight. Everybody's saying Canelo's a heavy favorite. Favorite dude. Terence Crawford's game plan to. To let him walk him in the corner and then run out and combo and the defense. Dude, that was as good of a fight, Bill. How great was that?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, he was too good of. Of a boxer. What amazed me is that Canelo was cutting off the ring like he always does, and he would get in that. This. He was just too fast. I was thinking of Monday morning quarterback because I guess canal. I mean, I don't know shit about boxing, but I guess Canelo never jabs. He's more of a counter guy. Guy.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like, that might have been, you know, if they fight again, if he developed a jab as opposed to just standing, because that guy was so quick. A couple times he got him with his classic left hook to the body, but he kind of figured that out. But in the sixth round, when he just smiled after, like, I got this guy, it was like. And then he just started standing there kind of showboating a little. Not showboating. He wasn't, like, disrespectful, but, like. Like, I also love that Canelo, like, will fight a guy, you know, that that is. Has that much left in the tank. That is 42 and.

[Nate Craig]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

Or whatever he was. Yeah, you know, that's the thing that kind of hurt boxing. For a long time, it was just like guys ducking other guys and ducking them and ducking them and ducking them and then building up these wins, fighting, bumps, what I like. I loved it, though, but just as far as, like, like the strategy of it, I can't tell you how many times I've seen that, though. I kind of feel like a boxer usually wins that matchup if. If they have a chin, if they can sustain it. But, I mean, I understand why people pick Canelo just because he kept, like, you know, Crawford kept moving up in weight. So usually what happens is they're just not strong enough with that extra £20 or something that they behind the punch to take. I guess.

[Nate Craig]

I. I don't know.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah, that's what they said, like that Terence Crawford went up two weight classes and they were like, dude, it's going to exhaust him. But he kind of was ready for it, and I thought it was great for.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, that's the first time I watch.

[Paul Versi]

A boxing match in years where I go, oh, boxing is the best. Like, I love boxing again, because, you know, UFC usually has them all the time, but good for that guy, man.

[Bill Burr]

What do you know? Joe Biden starts showing up to every major boxing thing and everybody starts chanting usa just so they can balance it out. And how weird is it? The fighting becomes like CNN and Fox.

[Paul Versi]

News and dude, Bruce Buffer and his brother. What's the other one's name?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Michael Buffer.

[Paul Versi]

Michael Buffer and Bruce Buffer both having those jobs in those different organizations is really wild.

[Bill Burr]

And then they start a point counterpoint political talk show. Because, Paul, you can't get away from it as much as you try. Try watching sports, try watching a talk show, Try going for a walk. Yeah, it's just fucking. This just in. We're all doomed. It's like, can I just get away from it?

[Paul Versi]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

If you're not gonna fix it, can I. Can I. Can I just, you know, can I walk out of the room for a second?

[Paul Versi]

That's. That's what sports are for. That's what sports.

[Bill Burr]

It was.

[Paul Versi]

That's. That's what NFL.

[Bill Burr]

Now there's politics and women in them, and there's nowhere to go. Paul, It's Water World. It's Water World.

[Paul Versi]

It's all right. Bill Burr is going to get off the schneide. Jake, give us the report. Who is out this week other than Joe Burrow.

[Bill Burr]

Because it's. I should be suspended indefinitely. How come no bookies are coming for me?

[Paul Versi]

Who you got?

[Bill Burr]

The bookies love me. What am I talking about?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, so Vikings quarterback J.J. mcCarthy is going to be out for a few weeks as well with the high ankle sprain. And then.

[Bill Burr]

Why are you wearing a red shirt? Are you trying to say something politically?

[Jake the Snake]

I think it matches my hair a little bit.

[Bill Burr]

Now, why do you think Joe Burrow got a turf toe? Do you think it was the liberals or the conservatives who put down that turf?

[Paul Versi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I want to know.

[Paul Versi]

All right, we need answers.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

So then Justin Fields for the jets is also out for the concussion. So those are the quarterbacks that are kind of out about Jaden Daniels, Jane, Dan. Yeah, we're not sure about Jane Daniels, but I think the books feel as if he's not gonna play because that number has gone from. It open at seven and a half and now it's three and a half. So I think they feel like he's out, but I think they think Brock Purdy's gonna play because the. The Niners are pretty decent sized favorites. So there's a chance Brock Purdy comes back, but we're just not sure yet, so.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, dude. So we got. We got quarterback. No Burrow, no Jaden Daniels, no J.J. mcCarthy, no Justin Fields. All right, Right. This is backup quarterback Sunday here.

[Bill Burr]

Paul. I'm going for it, man.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, you're going for it.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, no. I just feel like. I feel like the fans are behind me in that they're betting opposite. So I think I just might do this.

[Paul Versi]

Well, you.

[Bill Burr]

I might do this for them. I might go, oh, by the way, first time, I like how I'm acting like I'm trying to do this. I'm trying to pick winners.

[Paul Versi]

No, by the way, Big Will, first time in anything better history, back to back, Monday night specials hit.

[Bill Burr]

First time in history, back to back. Goose eggs. I did have the tie. You had a half.

[Paul Versi]

You had a half, but you go first.

[Bill Burr]

Paul. Paul, you got a good heart. You got a good part. Not rubbing my fucking nose in it. Oh, Paul. I mean, I did. I feel like I'm at the DMV right now trying to look at the eye chart so I don't have to wear gloves glasses to drive a car. That's. That's where I. That's the level of confidence. I fucking picked against my Patriots and they come out and play a hell of a game up at that Stevenson kid. That running back we got. Yeah, dude, he was Running over people. And at one point, dude, he's running in the flat, full speed. And Drake May threw one with not a lot of air under it. I'm telling you, like, 15, 20% of the receivers in the NFL might have dropped it and he caught it on the run as a running back. What do you mean Of Roger Craig? Is Roger Craig not in the NFL hall of Fame Fame?

[Paul Versi]

I don't think he is.

[Bill Burr]

I don't think. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. First, you got to listen to me pick games, and Roger Craig's not involved. Paul, what I'm doing right now is filibustering.

[Paul Versi]

What do you think about your new Patriots?

[Bill Burr]

I don't have any answers.

[Paul Versi]

What do you think about Vrabel so far?

[Bill Burr]

Well, so, exactly. It's two games in. It's like I just saw a comedian. He's opening for me. He's done two jumps.

[Paul Versi]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Bill Burr]

That's what I think so far. Far. All right. You know, we're one and one. Okay.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Bill Burr]

Listen, dude, I would say go 500, but mathematically that's impossible now because there's 17 games. But if we win eight, seven or eight. I'm not even saying nine, Paul. Not even saying nine. I would be happy that it's. It's turnaround. We have targets now.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Drake May can extend plays he can run, which we haven't seen since, I think Steve Grogan at the quarterback position.

[Nate Craig]

Wow.

[Bill Burr]

We have had some of the slowest. Tom Brady, Drew Bledsoe, Tony Eason. No wheels. No one's had wheels since Jimmy Carter was in the office. All right, I'm just going to pick a team just so I can shut up and give everybody a goddamn break. Oh, Paul, why am I going to do this? You know why?

[Nate Craig]

Because it's funny.

[Bill Burr]

I'm going to bet the fucking Thursday night game and I'm going to lay 11 and a half points. And I'm just going to say that the Bills and the Dolphins are who they're showing. We are. Mike McDaniel. Daniel the cocaine Cowboy man. We shouldn't be saying that. You know, that's a. Yeah, it's a joke.

[Paul Versi]

It's a joke.

[Bill Burr]

Kid likes you could get if you need it. He could get.

[Paul Versi]

He knows a guy.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, we kind of like the party back. I mean, hang on. He'd be real cool about it, too.

[Nate Craig]

He would.

[Bill Burr]

He would be smart enough to not to get it himself.

[Paul Versi]

I'll text you later. Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

[Bill Burr]

Let me check the analytics, see if I can get you that eight ball. All right, I'm going to take the Bills. Oh, excuse to watch a goddamn game tonight.

[Paul Versi]

There you go. Oh, by the way, Roger Craig is a candidate in the seniors category of the hall of Fame.

[Bill Burr]

That. It's the most ridiculous thing. He literally showed people the future.

[Paul Versi]

I remember he ran out of his socks. Remember that? Because his socks would fall down. And they said he ran out of his socks. I remember that in a playoff game, his socks would always fall down to his ankles. And they go, he's so good, he runs out of his socks. Roger Craig.

[Bill Burr]

Running backs could not catch passes other than, like, Walter Payton. Like, they just had hands of stone. It was like, once you became a running back, I don't think anybody threw you a pet, maybe a screen pass. Yeah, this guy was running patterns in the 80s, 80s. Doing what all of these kids are doing now. All right, I think you should be in.

[Nate Craig]

I think it's an abomination.

[Bill Burr]

An abomination is an abomination. All right, I'm taking the bills. Paul Lane, 11 and a half.

[Paul Versi]

Lane, 11 and a half.

[Bill Burr]

Down big, just like my record this season.

[Paul Versi]

I see these quarterbacks being out.

[Bill Burr]

All right, well, that's why I didn't. Listen, Paul, I'm just going with my gut.

[Paul Versi]

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take. Because they look good. They're at home. Jim Harbaugh's got them two. And, oh, Justin Herbert looked good. I know it's a division rivalry, but I like the three points. I am going to take the Los Angeles Chargers at home to beat the Broncos by three.

[Nate Craig]

Paul, you're going back to your old girlfriend.

[Paul Versi]

I can't leave.

[Bill Burr]

Ran into her at the mall. She's looking good.

[Nate Craig]

She was nice.

[Bill Burr]

Why did we even break up? What happened again?

[Paul Versi]

She was nice to me.

[Bill Burr]

I. I just. I saw her in a kiosk. We were both getting a new cell phone case.

[Paul Versi]

I was just gonna say that.

[Bill Burr]

All right, I'm an idiot, Paul. And I'm gonna take the 49ers. Oh, two and a half, Lane. Two and a half. Stop that water bug around there.

[Paul Versi]

They're at home.

[Bill Burr]

They were at home. You know, they're out there in Levi's Stadium, which is used to be a roller coaster, and they stuck a stadium in the middle of it.

[Nate Craig]

All right.

[Paul Versi]

Am I gonna do this? I am gonna do this. I'm going to the game. I'm gonna be there Sunday night with my son. I'm going to Sunday Night Football with my son. New York Giants getting six and a half against the Chiefs team that has not shown much.

[Bill Burr]

A must win. Paul.

[Paul Versi]

It's a must win for both.

[Bill Burr]

Both.

[Paul Versi]

I like the Giants defense. Russell Wilson, almost 500 passing yards last week. Malik neighbors. Our defense is good. Not saying, just for the record, I'm going to do a little homage to Jimmy the Greek here, rest his soul. Not saying because Jimmy the Greek would say. I'm not saying it's going to be a win but I like the three. I'm saying I like the six and a half points in this game. Do I think the Giants win it outright? Money line. I don't love that. I like the six and a half points. God forbid we lose. I could see it being a heartbreaker by three but give that Giants defense the points. I'm taking my New York Giants with me and my son in the building.

[Bill Burr]

Is your coach's last name Dabble?

[Paul Versi]

Dable.

[Bill Burr]

Dable. I thought I was like Dan. I dabble a little in coaching.

[Paul Versi]

Table.

[Bill Burr]

Brian Dable. All right.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. And what is it? Kyle Shanahan.

[Bill Burr]

All right. You know, let's look at the other side of the legend here, Paul. I want to pick two favorites and I'm going to pick two underdogs. I kind of like the Chiefs minus six and a half but what I don't like doing is rooting for the Chiefs. I did that once this year and it just hurt my stomach doing it. Watching them doing their, their little dink and dunk down the field. I just. That brand of football, you know, I'm not into it. All right. So I'm going to take. Oh no, Phil, don't do it. Am I going to take Sneaky Pete and the Raiders to go into Washington after the Commanders lost to what they lose to the Vikings last. No.

[Nate Craig]

Who they lose to?

[Bill Burr]

The Vikings played the Falcons. Who do the Commanders lose? Oh, the packers commanders had a nice. They're going to have a nice 10 day rest.

[Nate Craig]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I just, I wasn't impressed with their quarterback.

[Nate Craig]

LSU kid.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Versi]

Jaden Daniels and he's actually banged up.

[Bill Burr]

You know what, I'm gonna take Sneaky Pete and the Raiders to go in there. I think Pete's gonna maybe swing by the White House and say what's going on. Say hello to the, to our king.

[Paul Versi]

I like, I like the half point there, Bill. I think the half point there. I like the half point.

[Bill Burr]

Listen, when the half. He goes by the Pentagon. They, they let him fly a F16 and then he the Jefferson Memorial. He takes in the Blossoms.

[Paul Versi]

Listen, Sneaky Pete will find a way to get a flight.

[Bill Burr]

Sneaky Pete staying at the Watergate Hotel.

[Paul Versi]

Sneaky Pete knows a guy for sure.

[Bill Burr]

Doesn'T storm the Capitol. P. Smiles, smiles as he comes up.

[Nate Craig]

He shakes hands.

[Bill Burr]

They let him. Yeah, they let him in. He runs the stairs. Paul, I love Pete. Carol back. He's my favorite. He's my favorite coach to tease.

[Paul Versi]

Dude, I'm going to take for my next game. They just look good. They find ways to win. The jets are hapless, and the jets are without Justin Fields. I'm going to take Baker Mayfield and the Tampa Bay Bucks to not just beat the Jets. That's a great pick to stomp the Jets.

[Nate Craig]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

I heard a little bit of your heart in there. The two things I don't understand about New York sports is Yankees hating the Mets. It's different. I just. I just like the fact that you even dignify them with hating them. And then the Giants fan hates the Jets. They haven't won since we walked on the moon, Paul.

[Nate Craig]

Allegedly.

[Bill Burr]

Soundstage or not. Paul, it was on tv. We're gonna go with what happened.

[Paul Versi]

It was on tv. That's.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You know what, Paul? I'm gonna choose to believe in something.

[Paul Versi]

Was that.

[Nate Craig]

That.

[Bill Burr]

That we. That we went to the moon?

[Paul Versi]

Oh, dude, I actually have to take this. Can we pause this one second?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, let's say something. I'll talk about something real quick that is real. That has. You never hear this on a. On a. On a sports podcast. I went to a Broadway play. Hi. I went to go see Bobby Cannavale, James Corden and Neil Patrick Harris in art.

[Nate Craig]

Amazing.

[Paul Versi]

Great.

[Bill Burr]

It was fucking amazing. It was. It was opening night. I finally got to see Bobby. Bobby Broadway. Bobby Cannavale.

[Nate Craig]

Absolutely. Dude, they fucking. Dude, they killed.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I literally saw it. You know, now that I've done one, Paul, you know, I was sitting there going, like, I would love to come back and see this in about six weeks, when, you know, because this is like, if this is the performance when this is still new to them. Dude, Cordon did like a. Does like a five minute rant. Like, I don't even know how you could memorize all those words. And in the end, his character sits down on the couch. Dude, it got an applause break. It died down. And then there was another applause break.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, dude, that's sick.

[Nate Craig]

It was like a minute long.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it's like the. It's like louder than the applause that you get at the end of this football season every year when you beat the book.

[Paul Versi]

Hey, not this year.

[Bill Burr]

Not yet. Yeah, no thing. No intermission, and it's about 85, 90 minutes. So that's a guy. Exactly. If you want to take your wife to something and get credit for going to Broadway, but you don't have to watch, like, Fosse and all of this shit.

[Paul Versi]

Perfect one. I love it. I actually told her about it because you recommended it, and I think we're gonna try to go.

[Bill Burr]

Nice. Paul, you know, who.

[Paul Versi]

Who am I?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. You walking through the kitchen, they find a table for you. Bobby.

[Paul Versi]

Bob, you remember, you could go.

[Bill Burr]

From rags to riches.

[Paul Versi]

During the. During the play, he goes like this to my table.

[Bill Burr]

Table. They break character.

[Paul Versi]

You just hear Stacy go, there was nothing like it. Remember?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. How do you know all these people?

[Nate Craig]

I'm in constructions.

[Paul Versi]

It just shows how dumb the wives were.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Paul Versi]

Of a construction.

[Bill Burr]

They're not dumb.

[Paul Versi]

She goes, it doesn't feel like you're in construction.

[Bill Burr]

No, dude, first of all, they're not dumb. They're practicing for where the feds show up.

[Andrew Themless]

Up.

[Bill Burr]

And they can play dumb.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. The whole thing is. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Don't tell me.

[Paul Versi]

What did he say to her? Don't give me the babe in the woods. What did he say?

[Bill Burr]

Hey, Karen, don't give me the babe in the woods speech. That's one of my. That's one of those underrated.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, that's great.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I have to go to, I don't know, like, acting like she had no idea.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Your husband stays out all night and he comes home with, like, a gun belt of cash.

[Paul Versi]

Not without your keys, you're not. All right, I think you go, Bill.

[Nate Craig]

Oh, dude, I need to be replaced on this.

[Bill Burr]

I'm on the hot seat. All right, I'm going to take the Colts.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

Minus three and a half playing the Titans going in there. And, you know, old Daniel Jones.

[Paul Versi]

Billy, taking points this week? I like.

[Bill Burr]

No, no, no, no. I took two favorite taking points. Paul. I'm laying eleven and a half with the Bills tonight.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, you need a. I always bet.

[Bill Burr]

The Thursday game this year because I like to get the first slap in the face out of the way, you know? Gives me a couple days to shake it off. So when the next three come on Sunday.

[Paul Versi]

I'm just struggling, dude. Dude, we're both struggling, Paul.

[Bill Burr]

It's two weeks in. I already got three standing eight counts. I'm doing this like the ref's looking.

[Paul Versi]

At you, the ref.

[Bill Burr]

He's looking. Max Keller. I would stop it right now.

[Paul Versi]

What do we.

[Bill Burr]

What do.

[Paul Versi]

I have one more pick. Andrew.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Paul Versi]

All right. So with my fourth and final pick. Oh, my God. Dude, that Lions Ravens game is so scary. I can't touch it. Not touching it. Don't worry, I'm not touching. I know you're touching. I'm not touching it.

[Bill Burr]

So what about the Steelers?

[Paul Versi]

I saw that one, too.

[Bill Burr]

I. I just. I just. I don't know. Aaron Rodgers. Think he's got a little more in the one and a half. As always, Paul, hats off to the bookies. Just. Just picking that perfect number every goddamn week. It's almost like they have a sea of computers going up against.

[Paul Versi]

I'm struggling with this last pick because it's between two games.

[Bill Burr]

Well, Paul, if you're struggling, don't be afraid to reach out for help. In fact, anybody out there, if you're struggling, call me. And whatever I say, do the exact opposite. Opposite.

[Paul Versi]

The Browns and Packers, I don't like. I'll tell you what.

[Bill Burr]

Should I take part of the original NFL?

[Nate Craig]

How could you say such a thing?

[Bill Burr]

Actually, no, they're not.

[Nate Craig]

The packers are the NFL.

[Paul Versi]

Should I take the Rams getting three and a half against the Eagles, or should I take the Jaguars at home?

[Bill Burr]

You know, Paul, that's what makes America great.

[Paul Versi]

I'm gonna take.

[Bill Burr]

If you have choices like this.

[Paul Versi]

Jake, are the Rams hurt? Nobody on the Rams is hurt.

[Nate Craig]

Right?

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Jake the Snake]

No, Rams are good to go.

[Nate Craig]

That.

[Jake the Snake]

That should be one of the. The better games of the week.

[Bill Burr]

I thought Matthew Stafford was going through a breakup. Is that not true?

[Nate Craig]

Not true. Not true.

[Jake the Snake]

As far as I know, I'm gonna.

[Paul Versi]

Take the Rams getting three and a half in Philadelphia. Philadelphia has been okay, but they haven't wowed me.

[Bill Burr]

They haven't.

[Paul Versi]

They haven't wowed me.

[Bill Burr]

Paul, this is the second time you.

[Nate Craig]

Went into your feels.

[Bill Burr]

No, I really, like, want the jets to be done. Oh, they are. You want the Chiefs to be done?

[Paul Versi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And you want the Eagles to be done. Oh, dude, think about what you're doing here.

[Paul Versi]

Don't psychologically do it.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, you bet with this.

[Paul Versi]

Don't.

[Nate Craig]

Don't.

[Bill Burr]

That down here. That's what I do, Paul.

[Paul Versi]

I like that. The, the. What's his name? The coach that's all jacked up. He's got the haircut. Sean McVeigh, the Rams. He's all jacked up. He works out with the team. Stafford's looking good, everybody.

[Bill Burr]

He's got Sneaky Pete's old workout stuff from USC. Dude, Sneaky Pete is almost 80 and I guarantee you he can run up a flight of stairs faster than me.

[Paul Versi]

He doesn't even yell at the refs. He chews his gum and asks questions and nods. There's something about Sneaky Pete, dude. As much as we call him Sneaky Pete, Bill, how much would we love having a beer with that guy?

[Bill Burr]

That. How much would I love having his disposition?

[Paul Versi]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

Oh my God.

[Paul Versi]

If he's a dog breed, that's what you want around your kids.

[Bill Burr]

Like you want golden retriever with a pitbull heart come Sunday. Don't let the Ned Flanders look fool you. That guy is a killer.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, dude, he's.

[Bill Burr]

Speaking of which, dude, with I, I want to get another dog. I want to get a red nosed pit bull. I love those dogs.

[Paul Versi]

Are you guys looking for a family dog right now? You gonna do it? You got to do it, dude. Kids gonna, kids are asking, right?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I want to go to a.

[Nate Craig]

Breeder too, just so I can get people yelling at me.

[Bill Burr]

I like, I don't know, why don't you go down to a shelter? I already did that. Try to eat my baby.

[Paul Versi]

You did do that.

[Bill Burr]

I did do. That thing was nuts. I loved her, though.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah, dude, you did love her.

[Bill Burr]

Dude. My relationship with my first dog was like Dairo and Sharon Stone in Casino.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah, yeah, you do. You did more for that dog than people do for people.

[Bill Burr]

I can't even get into what the situation I'm still in with that dog, dude, obvious.

[Paul Versi]

You told me some things you did for that dog and I was just like, wow, I'm a piece of. I would never do that.

[Bill Burr]

Paul, Once you get in here, it's over. I love that. I still, I still every once in a while, yell that dog's name as I go down the street. Makes me feel good. Oh, dude, I just yell as I go down the thing. I love that dog.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, dude, dude. Yeah, you got. Are your kids asking? My kids want another one?

[Bill Burr]

When I think of going to heaven, like that's what I'm thinking of seeing is my dog. They say you do.

[Paul Versi]

That'd be awesome. That'd be awesome just getting up there.

[Bill Burr]

Can we just have that? Can that just happen?

[Nate Craig]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

That'D be funny. If God's letting you in heaven. Yeah. I, I, I, I don't, I'm not, I don't need all that. Just. I had a dog from 2000, 2008 to 2017. If I could just hang out with that dog and smoke a cigar and not get heaven cancer. Can I, can I, Can I? That's all I need.

[Paul Versi]

I won't.

[Bill Burr]

We got a buffet, and I. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't. I'm good.

[Paul Versi]

I won't mention his name. I won't mention his name. But we. I have a friend in comedy, you know, home. And we were on the road. He was on the road for a long time. He was on the road for a long time. And I go, dude, do you miss your family? And he just goes, I miss my dog. And here's the thing. It was wholehearted, and he meant every word of it. Like he. He meant was true. It was true. He goes, I miss my dog. And I was just like, don't you have a. Anyways. Anyway.

[Bill Burr]

Well, part of being the man of the house is coming home and feeling like a non entity, just walking up the stairs.

[Nate Craig]

Do I matter?

[Bill Burr]

I think I matter.

[Paul Versi]

I mean, dude, dogs are special, though, aren't they? Dude, they know they are the best. My wife wasn't feeling good, dude, and Lloyd was just new next to her, chin on her knee, just like dogs.

[Bill Burr]

Dogs get it.

[Nate Craig]

They get it.

[Paul Versi]

They don't. They just get loyal.

[Nate Craig]

Yep.

[Bill Burr]

And cats are the real world. That's what's out there.

[Nate Craig]

That's why you have a dog. Because most people identify as cats, but they. They say that they're a dog, and they're not. Oh, you're my dog. No, you're not a dog, dude. Yeah.

[Paul Versi]

Unwavering loyalty and love. Unwavering love.

[Nate Craig]

Simple, borderline stupid. Always in a good mood. Cats, too smart for their own good.

[Bill Burr]

Think too much.

[Nate Craig]

Always a problem, never happy.

[Paul Versi]

No trust.

[Nate Craig]

No trust.

[Paul Versi]

They're always on their toes, looking.

[Bill Burr]

They want affection. When they want affection, they control it, you know? What are we talking about, right? We still talking dogs and cats? I can't forget.

[Paul Versi]

I think we're talking about our wives.

[Nate Craig]

Okay.

[Paul Versi]

It's on their terms.

[Bill Burr]

All right? It really just gets to the point of, like, I would just love to just be left alone. Can I just. Like, that's what the back porch is for. When they put a back porch over. We got to have some place for the guys.

[Paul Versi]

No, dude, can I be honest? I'm gonna get.

[Nate Craig]

Get.

[Paul Versi]

I'm gonna get. I'm gonna get real on anything better. I'm not having the greatest week.

[Nate Craig]

Okay.

[Paul Versi]

Going through some things. Life. And the other day I was down, and, dude, my dog was just looking at me like, dude, I got you like, he just looked at me like I got. I'm here and I was like, they know, they know.

[Nate Craig]

They give a he.

[Bill Burr]

He gives a he checks in with you, Paul.

[Paul Versi]

His eyes. He knows. She don't do it. She don't do it.

[Bill Burr]

God bless them, Paul. They, they, it's not their fault.

[Nate Craig]

They, they just, they're just not wired. Wired that way. It's just not how it works. All right, it's getting bleak.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah, it's getting Paul.

[Bill Burr]

But two or nothing like special. Let's turn the bus around two and.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, Monday night special. We have all four of our picks right guys? All right guys, before I am happy copy. Before we get into our Monday night special, we got to shout out our sponsor. It's the great sponsor. It's the BET MGM sportsbook. We've been with them for years now and we love them. They're the best lines out there, guys. And here's what you do if you want to get involved with the anything better. And listen, don't let the first couple of weeks shake you. This is the best show. We're going to get back on the horse. We're going to be fine. We got two Monday night specials. Here's what you got to do. All you got to do is go to your device and download the BETMGM app and use our code easy, Code Burr B U R R and you put in as little as ten dollar deposit and you will get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus. Your original wager is settled. Okay. Also, we have the first touchdown thing going on where you pick any player to get a touchdown in that game. The first touchdown in any NFL game. If they do, you win. If they don't but they in fact get the second touchdown, you will get your stack back in cash. Read the disclaimer, all that stuff. Please bet responsibly and again, use our code burr and you'll get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets after you deposit as little as $10 in there after your first, first wager is settled. Our Monday night special hit, we had Justin Herbert and two touchdown passes. He did exactly that. We are two for two, Bill. Are we gonna do the unimaginable and go three Pete to start?

[Bill Burr]

We already did back to back. We've never done that. So we're playing with house money here.

[Paul Versi]

And it's a big game.

[Bill Burr]

Two games. It's one game, right?

[Paul Versi]

No, it's. It's one game and it's a doozy. It's the Lions coming off beating up the Bears bad and it's the Ravens coming off a big win and it's in Baltimore more.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, dude.

[Paul Versi]

I mean, it's a. I, I. Oh, look here. Oh, Jake, you know, you know, you know, you know, it's important when Jake just shows up.

[Bill Burr]

What do we need to know? Should.

[Jake the Snake]

Should be a good game. I mean, do you guys like a side in this one? Like, do you think the Ravens maybe money line if. Or like maybe like the Lions to cover?

[Bill Burr]

I like the Ravens money line. I like Lamar Jackson. I don't think anybody can stop that guy.

[Paul Versi]

I agree.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

I was thinking definitely get Lamar Jackson involved in some way and I like.

[Bill Burr]

John Harbaugh against Dan Campbell. I think I got to give the nod with experience to John. John Harbaugh and they're also at home. So if we're doing the money line, I like Lamar Jackson to do some dazzling shots.

[Jake the Snake]

Is there a way to get Lamar to get an anytime touchdown? Or maybe, maybe we can do like rushing or passing. I feel like there's a way to get that, something like that down because.

[Paul Versi]

Lamar, anyone? By the way, can I say something before we do this bet? I've seen these sports shows where they have the guys in the little boxes the way us three are. I don't know many with better looking than these three. I mean, we look good, dude. I'm not gonna lie to you. We look, we look good, you know, know.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, I don't know about this. I like this Brady Bunch setup though that we have. I guess I'm Peter.

[Paul Versi]

Start looking up point. I like Lamar Jackson scoring a touchdown any. Yeah. Can we do that?

[Bill Burr]

Andrew?

[Paul Versi]

Can we do a pass or a run and Ravens money line. Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. Should be able to build it.

[Jake the Snake]

Do you want to throw in a third leg at Almond Ross St. Brown of the Lions to get over receiving yards? Something like that. He's. I love that he's really good. Maybe not a touchdown, but I like, I like him to have a big day.

[Nate Craig]

I would build it out, but because.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm in California, I can't properly log in, so.

[Bill Burr]

Got it. Write it down. Right.

[Paul Versi]

Do you want to do catch one or do you want to do Jared Goff to throw one?

[Jake the Snake]

I don't trust golf personally.

[Nate Craig]

Okay. But I mean, he could.

[Paul Versi]

Hey, Jake, you've. You've helped guide us to 2.0with the money we go with you.

[Jake the Snake]

It's tough with golf because he was so good last week and he was so bad week one and so you don't know which one you're gonna get and they like to run it in the red zone.

[Paul Versi]

I kind of. I kind of agree with Bill here.

[Bill Burr]

I like the Ravens money line, and I like Lamar Jackson to do whatever. Run, throw.

[Jake the Snake]

Exactly.

[Bill Burr]

The guy is unstoppable. Yeah. What. What Jake the Snake does. You know what? Not only does Jake watch games, he remembers them. That's the problem I have.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, for sure. Dude.

[Bill Burr]

You know what's hilarious? I got a drinking game for you. No, I. I can't on.

[Nate Craig]

I always get in trouble when I do this.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, I'm just gonna say this. I saw a movie. It was on the flight back. I think it's called exposition. Is when characters, rather than speaking like they're characters, they just say what's going to happen the whole fucking movie, dude. Should be a drinking game. Anytime anybody explains what's going to happen, not only do you have to, like, drink, you have to drink the entire time they're explaining. This dude said, this one character says something, and then the other character goes, let me get this straight. You're saying the only chance we have is if we all meet in the. At the exact same time at the exact same place at the bottom of the Baltic Sea and one of those contraptions over there. And the guy's like, yes, they did everything but explain taking his shit. You're telling me if I go in that little room and sit on that chair with a hole in it, I've.

[Jake the Snake]

Got an interesting one for you guys. So I was watching this Charlie Sheen doc, and we don't need to get into this person.

[Bill Burr]

Personal life, but I saw that.

[Paul Versi]

What did you.

[Jake the Snake]

What do you think about him as the Karate Kid? How crazy would that have been? I was kind of curious to see what you guys had thought about, like, that potential or maybe the butterfly effect from that.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Jake the Snake]

I think he was.

[Bill Burr]

He was. He always had, like a badass vibe to him. And I think what Ralph Macchio brought to the role was a vulnerability. Like, I would believe. You know, Ralph getting like. Like, you know, I think, you know, Charlie Sheen always looked like. And I mean.

[Nate Craig]

Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, he always look. He'd grow a beard by the seventh grade. He looked like. He looked like a two Cobra Kai. I bet that's what it came down to. Like Ralph Macchio, you believe? Like, yeah, this. This. This kid would. Would have a tough time if he.

[Nate Craig]

Was new kid in the neighborhood. The.

[Paul Versi]

The one thing that I. I loved about the doc was that small part he played in Ferris Bueller's Day off was so impactful that people watched Him. And they were just like. Even though he's not even close to a star in this, like, that's the guy. I thought that that was really cool.

[Bill Burr]

He was the coolest guy in the movie.

[Paul Versi]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

What are you in here for? Drugs? No, what are you in here for? He goes, drugs just. I can't even do it the way he did that. The timing was perfect. And the way he was just leaning, looking at her.

[Paul Versi]

How amazing was it that, like, his drug dealers, it was like the first time ever they said that a guy weaned them. Weaned off of drugs by the drug dealer, where the drug dealer was like, all right, I'm not gonna lose this guy. So I'm gonna give him the same dose, but we're just gonna keep making it less potent until he gets tired of it. And it was just like, I know it's enabling, but it was kind of crazy and brilliant.

[Bill Burr]

Drug dealer with the heart. What about the hidden message in Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

[Paul Versi]

What's that?

[Bill Burr]

Sister's problem was she wasn't getting any dick. That's why she was so fucking focused and on Ferris and what the fuck he was doing. And then she finally meets a guy that's gonna bang a right. I mean, that was kind of what they were doing. Yeah. Got all fucking giddy. Second she met Charlie Sheen's character, she didn't give a fuck what Ferris was doing. Am I wrong?

[Paul Versi]

No, that's true. That's actually a good point.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

They were all written by guys back then, Paul. So that's. I'm not saying.

[Nate Craig]

Saying that.

[Bill Burr]

That's the truth. I'm just saying that that kind of seemed like the message and how.

[Paul Versi]

And another cool thing about the doc, People got to see the doc. Another cool thing that I loved about the doc was he loved sports. He was like an athlete. He loved sports. But how about Nicholas Cage being like, I'm outside. I'll meet you at the party? Like, Nicholas Cage was his. Like. Like Nicholas.

[Bill Burr]

You know what? They left out one time? Guy, one time he went to an Angels game and bought a whole section of seats right out in left field so he could catch a home run. He wouldn't have any competition and nobody hit one. And he was just sitting out there super famous by himself with like 80 fucking seats around him all bought up. And he just sat there with his glove. And by the same thing, he's like, dude, what the fuck?

[Paul Versi]

Oh, dude, that's awesome.

[Bill Burr]

You know what's even better than that is that the tickets were available.

[Paul Versi]

You know what they left out of the doc, which I would. I would have loved them to talk about. Major League was such a great sports movie where he played Ricky Vaughn. I would have loved to hear, like, if he. How many real pitches he threw and, like, if he was accurate or, like, something on the set of, like, a baseball field would have been cool.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, it was.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, It's.

[Bill Burr]

It's also like. I don't know. I also. I don't know. I love that guy, man. I was just. Just seeing him aft now. He's sort of clean, right? He's. He clean?

[Paul Versi]

Oh, he's been clean for eight years.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, great. Yeah, he said. He said.

[Paul Versi]

What did. It was. He said he used to start drinking in the morning with his coffee, and he said, like, it was awesome because he would, like, love his coffee and booze, so he would start his day with it. And then he had to take his daughter to something. He told it on a talk show, too. He had to tell. He had to take his daughter somewhere. And he realized he couldn't drive her to school because he wasn't sober. So he had to have that dude Tony Todd, or, you know, his best friend friend. And he said he, like, sees his daughter's face in the mirror, kind of knowing, like, why isn't my dad driving? Like, he's like, she never said anything, but he's like, why? She's like. He's like, what? My daughter's got to be thinking, why isn't dad driving right now? Like, what's going on? And he said it just stuck with him. And he's like, I'm done with this.

[Bill Burr]

How about Denise Hooker? Denise Hooker. I mean, Denise Richards. You made the sandwiches for the hookers. That's what I was trying to say.

[Paul Versi]

Nothing will. That is a Andrew bookmark that. That is one of the funniest moments in the podcast history.

[Bill Burr]

Denise Richards. I mean, is that the coolest wife ever?

[Paul Versi]

Oh, she was cool.

[Bill Burr]

Comes out to the guest house, makes. Not only makes you a sandwich, but the three hookers you banged the night before. I mean, when she said for better or for worse, she took. She took that to heart.

[Paul Versi]

I love her, dude.

[Bill Burr]

What a champ.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, she's great.

[Bill Burr]

Denise Hooker. I'm sorry, Denise.

[Paul Versi]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

I got a little ahead of myself, Paul.

[Paul Versi]

All right, guys, how cool is it?

[Jake the Snake]

Him and his back beat up Charlie and his dad beat Michael Jordan in a game of two on one. That car ride home must have been amazing.

[Bill Burr]

What was even better? You. I saw that live Was Dick Van Patten doing The announcing from 8 is enough? I just remember he just kept going. Oh, and the she, by the way, how awesome. We all know Michael Jordan. Bet the Sheens. Come on, man. You saw the last dance.

[Paul Versi]

How awesome was Martin Sheen, dude, as a father, dude, Martin Sheen just showing up to hospitals, going to the press conference. Just do. Just a dad, dude.

[Bill Burr]

I'll tell you. If you want to. If you want to see a lot of some of Martin Sheen's best work. There was a time when he was doing movies, and then he. Then he went to, like, made for TV movies and then went back into the. To cinema again. You know, he's got some really good ones. He had, like, the class. I forget the name of the one. I found a lot of them on YouTube, like the full thing. It's really cool. Like the ABC movie of the week, and it would be starring him, and it was always a good story. I saw one of him and what was the name of it? It's a classic thing where there's a dirty cop and he comes to town and he's a young kid with the cool car, and people keep going off this cliff and they're trying to figure out who's killing them. And the cop with. With. With Martin Sheen. And that's his big mistake. Vic. What's his face? Vic Morrow. Is that his name? The guy who died in the helicopter crash and the. Yeah, he's in that. In a helicopter. Is he in a helicopter in that? Or is that in Crazy Larry, Up Mary. Whatever that movie is. I'm just gonna stop talking.

[Paul Versi]

Dude, they did Wall street together. How sick is that?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah. No, you're looking at a man who doesn't judge another man by the size of his heart. That became a catchphrase in our house. What are you doing? I'm looking for my wallet. Like he couldn't say wallet without screaming.

[Paul Versi]

All right, guys. Well, there you have it. That's the show. You got our picks. Week three is in. Starts tonight with the Buffalo Bills and the the. And the Miami Dolphins. You guys know what to do. You download the app, use our code burr, put in as little as $10. You get $1,500 in bonus bets after the original wager is settled. First touchdown bet. You bet any player in any game to get the first touchdown, and you win. If they get the second touchdown, you'll get your stack back in cash. Read the disclaimer, bet responsibly. Don't go nuts. Just have fun with us, all right? Right and we're going to try to get the Monday night special for the third week in the row. We got Lamar Jackson to score at any time. Touchdown. We got the Baltimore Ravens to win money line. And we have. Was it Aman St. Brown?

[Nate Craig]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Look at Birsy counting like a German touchdown yard.

[Jake the Snake]

Let's see yards.

[Bill Burr]

Yards just went in. Glorious bastards.

[Nate Craig]

Paul.

[Paul Versi]

Dude.

[Bill Burr]

1 3. Like Dirk Nowit. Funny you said that.

[Paul Versi]

I. I did a podcast. We talked about Inglourious bastards. I watched it again. Dude. Every time I watch that movie, I realized how incredible it is. It's incredible. Every scene is incredible.

[Bill Burr]

And Christopher Walls, I gotta see that one again.

[Paul Versi]

Dude, Christopher Wall's eating that cake. He said like that he ate like 15 pieces of cake while they like with all the takes. But when he was eating it with the cream and she was just trying to not throw up. Oh, dude, incredible.

[Bill Burr]

I got a good one for you on the Criterion channel. Channel, which is Cinemax for smart people. There's still titties in bush, but it's cinematic the way they do it. Go see the. Watch the Parallax View with Warren Beatty.

[Nate Craig]

It's a thriller.

[Bill Burr]

Paul.

[Paul Versi]

Bill, I'm sorry. After the Denise Hooker, I can't. After Denise Hooker, I just can't. It's, it's.

[Bill Burr]

I gotta open up, dude. I'm a mess right now. I'm a mess, okay? I'm overworked, appreciated. I got more work today. You know, I got some gigs coming up in a crazy part of the world. I got friends getting fired. It's just, it's just been a crazy week.

[Paul Versi]

You know what you need to do? You need to go down, get a golden retriever, bring it home to your two kids, let them freak out about it, and then all good is in the world again.

[Nate Craig]

Yeah. Come on. Want to.

[Bill Burr]

Why can't I get like a little red nosed pit bull looking like me back in the day when I used to go to the gym and I had hair?

[Paul Versi]

You did that once.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Billy. Back in the day.

[Paul Versi]

Because a golden retriever, you know what you're getting, you know?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, but I need something that's gonna do something.

[Paul Versi]

A golden retriever is like a Japanese car. A golden retriever is a Japanese car.

[Nate Craig]

Car.

[Paul Versi]

You put. That's it.

[Nate Craig]

You feed it.

[Paul Versi]

It's like putting oil in it. It's not going anywhere.

[Bill Burr]

It's done. You know what? You know what a golden retriever is? A gold retriever is pleasant. And what pleasant people do is they attract sociopaths and narcissists because they're the only ones that put up with them. If someone has a golden retriever that I'm telling you right now, there's like, an 80% chance there's something psychologically wrong with the owner.

[Paul Versi]

Like a comic.

[Bill Burr]

No evidence to back up what I just said.

[Paul Versi]

Like a comic that doesn't curse. But then you find out. You find out.

[Bill Burr]

You find out what's under the bed.

[Paul Versi]

Bill Cosby told Eddie Murphy, you cannot say.

[Bill Burr]

And. Yeah.

[Paul Versi]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

We didn't say anything about not putting in drinks.

[Paul Versi]

Denise Hooker is the.

[Nate Craig]

It's the.

[Paul Versi]

It's the. It's put a little shine in my day. All right, guys, we'll see you guys. Enjoy NFL Week 3. Go Giants. I'll be in the building. Jake the Snake is gonna be in the building against the Charger with the Chargers.

[Jake the Snake]

That's right.

[Paul Versi]

So we got a couple of the guys on the show going to games. Enjoy everything, and we'll see you next week.

[Nate Craig]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

We'll see you.

[Nate Craig]

All right, Sa.