NFL Hall of Fame, Live Sports, Childhood Music | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-29-26

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast – NFL Hall of Fame, Live Sports, Childhood Music

Episode Date: January 30, 2026
Host: Bill Burr
Guest (from [33:23] onward): Todd Rex

Episode Overview

In this wide-ranging Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast, Bill Burr delivers his signature stream-of-consciousness rants covering a spectrum of topics: sports controversies (including Bill Belichick's Hall of Fame snub), the shifting fan culture in live sports, reflections on childhood and nostalgia via music, parenthood, relationship advice, and the realities of aging in show business. Comedian Todd Rex joins midway for an extended chat about comedy, family, and life’s big and small absurdities.

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Key Topics & Highlights

Sports Rants: Hockey and Sports Commentary

[00:01 – 10:00]

• Bruins and Hockey Broadcasting:

  • Bill critiques hockey commentary, especially biased “homer” announcers, noting the Canadian broadcasters' slant during a Bruins-Canadiens game.
    • “The color guy goes, ‘Oh, that was a heck of a toe save by Montebolt’ … and he never even said that we scored.” — Bill [01:19]
  • Praises Bruins player David Pastrnak's skill:
    • “That guy's ability to use his body to shield one, two, sometimes three defenders … nobody's passing the puck better than that guy.” — Bill [03:11]
  • Playfully mimics Canadian accents and rants about Canadian homers.

• Morgan Geeky’s Hot Streak & Sportswriter Critique:

  • Excited about Morgan Geeky's recent goal streak.
  • Calls out sportswriters for quick criticism “as if they should understand ebbs and flows” [13:53]

Bill Belichick & NFL Hall of Fame

[03:57 – 09:43]

• Belichick’s Hall of Fame Exclusion:
  • Bill is amused and indignant that Bill Belichick was not voted into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot, arguing it’s emblematic of the media's longstanding lack of respect.
    • “Never seen a guy, like, so brilliant just get shit on the entire fucking time.” — Bill [04:17]
    • “He’s got eight fucking rings ... all he’s got left are his thumbs.” — Bill [04:36]
  • Blames sportswriters' pettiness, jealousy, and desire for easy quotes.
    • “Who do they like? Meatheads. That’s who the press likes ... Rex Ryan … a fucking quote machine and they fucking loved him.” — Bill [06:57]
    • “I also think it didn’t help Belichick’s cause that Tom Brady was an absolute dreamboat at the time.” — Bill [08:26]
  • Lesson: Jealousy is an inevitable part of success.
    • “Part of being successful is what you're seeing happen to Bill Belichick … unfortunately, what comes with success, there’s a certain amount of people who will resent you.” — Bill [05:44]

Live Sports Culture & Aging as a Fan

[11:05 – 14:14]

• Considers attending the Super Bowl but laments ticket prices and the changed sports crowd.
• Misses the days when fans dressed casually—now compares games to “Comic-Con” with elaborate costumes.
  • “You look at the crowd at a Raiders game and it looks like you're at Comic Con. I don't understand that ... I’m old, and time has passed me by.” — Bill [12:23]

Old-School Stand-Up & Music Nostalgia

[15:48 – 22:13]

• Shares stories of stand-up gigs, Kevin Nealon’s mischievousness, and struggles staying away from sugar.
• Delights in nostalgia for music from his youth (Pantera, Aerosmith, AC/DC, etc.), noting how returning to favorite bands brings back memories and motivation.
  • “Pantera is one of the great ‘I’m going to the gym’ bands … nothing replaces the music from when you were young.” — Bill [22:14]
• Reflects on how music, friends, and memories are intertwined [25:20+].

The Everyday Joys & Struggles of Parenthood

[19:14; 63:01 – 66:59]

• Shares stories of playing catch with his son, injuries from schoolyard wrestling, and the bittersweet speed with which kids grow up.
  • “... I go out. I love it. My son goes, ‘Hey dad, can you throw me some hits?’ It's just the best.” — Bill [19:14]
  • “Just say, you know how fast the NFL football season goes by? It's like that, but with a person.” — Bill [31:40]
• Expresses nostalgia and mild sadness as his daughter transitions from baby to toddler, and the often judgmental or fear-driven advice parents give each other.
• Riffs on “organic” food marketing and weaning his daughter off “addictive” toddler snacks.

Stand-Up Career Evolution

[19:54 – 21:02, 74:00+]

• Describes his shift to longer stints in fewer cities for more enjoyable, less frantic tours.
  • “I'm doing the road now like an old guy ... I just wanna play the same place for two, three nights in a row.” — Bill [20:53]
• Reminisces about early days in comedy: being paid $5 for a gig; open mics with Patrice O’Neal et al.; music that reminds him of those nights ([26:39 – 27:45]).
• Advises comics to own their craft and store in “the mall” of show business—avoid chasing trends.

Guest Segment: With Todd Rex

[33:23 – podcast end]

Comedy, Relationships, & Parenting

• Bill and Todd talk shop about nerves before taping a stand-up special, the challenge of perfectionism, advice from other comedians:
  • “You work this hard to get there; don't forget to have fun.” — Bill [36:25]
• Remembering fallen comics and the sobering reality of friends dying as you reach your 50s [46:59 – 48:35].

Relationship & Family Life Real Talk

• Discuss how relationships mature, how long it took them to propose, navigating commitment phobia, and the changes kids bring to social circles ([58:58 – 64:18]).
• Todd shares his stealth ‘let’s get married’ phone call to his wife:
  • “I just said, hey, I just was out here thinking with my friends ... I think I'm ready to settle down and marry you.” — Todd [59:57]

Hilarious Parenting & Guest-Kid Stories

• Bemoan the challenges of hosting other people’s kids, changing standards for discipline, the nerve of kids calling adults by first names: “You can call me Mr. Burr.” — Bill [69:19]
• The struggle with rude or “crazy” kids and how their parents dismiss it: “Yeah, she's a little crazy. She's a little thing.” — Todd [70:29]

Pet Ownership, Hard Goodbyes

• Shares the saga of his beloved but unmanageable dog, Cleo—a pitbull with a wild rescue, now happily rehomed but still visited.

Hilarious Audience and Music Observations

• Talks about aging rock bands versus those who let themselves go, what aging gracefully really looks like on stage, and why Madonna should stop twerking:
  • “When Madonna starts twerking, it’s just like, mom, what are you doing?” — Bill [97:12]
• Favorite from a guest: “He used to come out in leather chaps in a cup. Now his leather pants in the back look like a diaper.” — Todd Rex on a veteran funk musician [96:23]
• Both hosts talk about how audience demographics for these bands have aged into Camp Lawn Chair, and how some musicians (after divorces, being ripped off) are still gigging on the nostalgia circuit.

Helicopter Piloting Adventures

• Bill discusses commuting to gigs via helicopter, learning night flying, and flying his parents around LA.
  • “I would love to fly solo ... but at night it’s a whole different ball game.” — Bill [104:16]

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Notable Quotes

(with timestamps)

• “Never seen a guy, like, so brilliant just get shit on the entire fucking time.” — Bill Burr [04:17]
• “Who do they like? Meatheads. That’s who the press likes.” — Bill Burr [06:57]
• “It’s just how fat man-titted petty sportswriters are.” — Bill Burr [08:10]
• “You look at the crowd at a Raiders game and it looks like you're at Comic Con.” — Bill Burr [12:23]
• “Pantera is one of the great 'I’m going to the gym' bands ... nothing replaces the music from when you were young.” — Bill Burr [22:14]
• “I don't feel good right now ... eating sugar, it's the exact same feeling I have after watching a porno. I just don't feel good afterwards. I'm ashamed.” — Bill Burr [17:56]
• “The second the workday ends ... it's creepy. If the Suns don't have a game, it's over.” — Bill Burr [41:12]
• “You can call me Mr. Burr.” — Bill Burr [69:19]
• “His leather pants in the back looked like a diaper and he would come out and do a little, like, trying to be sexy and swivel his hips ... he needs to stop.” — Todd Rex [96:25]
• “When Madonna starts twerking, it's just like, mom, what are you doing?” — Bill Burr [97:12]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Segment | Start Time | |------------------------------------------|--------------| | Bruins/recent hockey games | 00:01 | | Rant: Bill Belichick & Hall of Fame | 03:57 | | Fan culture & live sports today | 11:05 | | Kevin Nealon’s gig & sugar confession | 15:48 | | Music & nostalgia | 21:02 | | Parenting stories | 19:14, 63:01 | | Stand-up, career evolution | 19:54, 74:00 | | Guest (Todd Rex) joins | 33:23 | | Comedy, relationships, aging, parenting | 46:59+ | | Parenting & rude kids | 67:02+ | | Aging rock bands & appearance | 94:17+ | | Helicopter flying stories | 101:16+ |

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Tone & Style

• Bill’s conversational, irreverent, and profane humor is on full display.
• The episode alternates between heartfelt nostalgia and unfiltered rants.
• Frequent self-deprecating asides and tangents, balanced by genuine affection for friends, music, and family.
• Occasional serious insights on success, parenting, and aging tucked between jokes.

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Conclusion

This episode encapsulates Bill Burr’s style: unfiltered, meandering, hilariously honest, moving from pointed sports culture rants to warm reminiscences of music and family. With guest Todd Rex, the conversation gets even more candid about the comedy grind, relationships, and the peculiarities of everyday life as middle-aged parents and performers. If you’re looking for the full flavor of Bill Burr’s worldview—brutally funny, self-aware, nostalgic, and ever-observant—this is a quintessential listen.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.

[B]

It's time for the Monday morning podcast.

[A]

For Monday. Fuck. You know, for Thursday.

[B]

Sorry, it's a Thursday afternoon just before.

[A]

Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Ooh, what's going on? How are you? I'm watching the Little late today. My apologies.

[B]

I mean, it's Thursday afternoon where I'm living there. I'm watching the Bruins, the replay of the. I recorded Nashville, Boston, which I already know the score. I think we won 3, 2 in overtime. And what's his face, Morgan geeke got his 30th goal. He scored five goals last five games.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

I was getting caught up on Bruins games. You know what's funny was when they played the Canadiens over the weekend, I didn't realize, I thought it was Hockey night in Canada feed. I think it was actually the announcers for the Canadians, so they were like pro can. Because I was sitting there listening to the game. I going, jesus Christ, I get it, you're from Canada.

[A]

What's going on here?

[B]

Like, we actually scored a goal on a rebound. Somebody threw it across the crease. The goalie sticks his, you know, pad out, goes off his skate for a.

[A]

Sweet rebound, and we score.

[B]

And the color guy goes, he goes.

[A]

Oh, that was a heck of a tool save by Montebolt when he was doing.

[B]

And he never even said that we scored. The main guy did, the color guy when he was talking about the play.

[A]

He goes, oh, you know, he throws it across the crazy heck of a toe save by Montreal.

[B]

And then there was another one, that first line left winger who had the hat trick for the Canadians, by the way. The Canadians look great, man. They're fucking fast. And that kid Cole, whatever, had a hat trick, pure hat trick. And he scored one of those like no angle goals, you know, where what's his face is like, you know, hugging the post. And there's like a, like, like a puck size opening a swayman like above his right shoulder. And the guy still something like shot it off his neck and into the thing. And the color guy, once again, Posternak was in the box for interference.

[A]

And they go and they cut to like the goal and they show Posternach coming out of the box. And the color guy's like, oh. And David Posternach's like, oh, how did that go in? Pasternak who scores goals like that all.

[B]

The fucking time, is blown away.

[A]

He's more like, I can't believe you.

[B]

Called interference on me. I'M one of the best guys in the league. I thought I was allowed to do that. I could see that.

[A]

Like, oh, what'd you call interference for? I score 30 to 60 goals a season. I could see that. But according to this color guy, he's.

[B]

In awe of this. I mean, actually he is a really good player. But I'm just saying, you know, it was, it was ridiculous. I will say this about Pasternock. Forget about his goal scoring ability and his, his. The unbelievable assists that he had. He had this incredible assist in the Canadiens game. That guy's ability to use his body to shield one, two, sometimes three defenders. I don't even know how he does it away from the puck. His body is always between himself and the defender. The puck and the defender. And then he's got his head up.

[A]

And I think, I don't know.

[B]

I'm only watching Bruins games, but as far as I've seen, everyone we're playing, nobody's passing the puck better than that guy. So no disrespect to the color commentator of the Canadiens. I really don't think he was in.

[A]

The box going, oh, oh. How did he score that goal? How did he get the puck? Oh, oh, I am in awe of that guy that I have more goals than.

[B]

Anyways, what was I going to say? I had a bunch of people ask me about Bill Belichick not getting into the hall of Fame, and I thought that was absolutely fucking hilarious. And I thought it was fitting. I thought it was fitting to his career where he was never given any respect.

[A]

All people did.

[B]

I'd never seen a guy like, so brilliant just get shit on the entire fucking time.

[A]

He was.

[B]

You know, Bill Parcell's never won a Super bowl without Bill Belichick as his defensive coordinator.

[A]

He won six as a head coach, two as a defensive. The guy's got eight fucking rings. All he's got left of his thumbs. That's all he's got left.

[B]

And they're still shitting on the guy.

[A]

You know, all the butthurt fucking sports writers. Because Bill Belichick wouldn't give him anything.

[B]

Cuz he knew anything that he said.

[A]

They were gonna blow up. Like the same way they blew up those stupid accusations against the Patriots and they completely blew them out of proportion. And they straight up fucking lied and made a mountain out of a molehill. Oh, they made a mountain out of a molehill and then let Jim Ursay skate. It was the biggest fucking scumbag in the league. So what's really going on here? Is not so much a Bill Belichick slight as much as it's a life lesson. Everybody out there, if you're out there, if you're going after a dream, part.

[B]

Of being successful is what you're seeing what happens to Bill Belichick. You know, if you're a happy, confident.

[A]

Person, you're happy for another human being's success. If you're not.

[B]

You resent them. You resent them. And what, unfortunately, what comes with success is there's a certain amount of people that are going to be happy for you, will be inspired, will now think.

[A]

Oh, well, if he can do it.

[B]

I can do it too. Or she can do it, I can do it too. And then there's going to be the.

[A]

Rest of them who are gonna go overrated.

[B]

You know, it's cuz his dad fucking knew the person that did this. They gave him all the fucking excuses.

[A]

In the world because either, I don't.

[B]

Know, I don't know what their deal is, but it's somehow there. Your success becomes their failure, which this is not new shit.

[A]

So Bill Belichick.

[B]

Made sports writers work and it was the sports writers fault because they would take the littlest thing and they would gas it up and it becomes bulletin board material. Belichick knew that. And the second he won on Sunday, he would clam up about the person next week and no matter how bad they were, he would act like that they were a threat. Well, you know, they were a good team. And they don't go out there. All we can do is see how we match up again. You know, I'm not going to comment on that.

[A]

Blah, blah.

[B]

And they fucking hated him.

[A]

Who do they like?

[B]

Who do they like? Meatheads. That's who the press likes. The press loves a loudmouth meathead quote machine or somebody losing their composure and screaming and yelling playoffs.

[A]

They're exactly who we thought they were. Oh, that's what they want.

[B]

That's the kind of person those people, you know, if they had the wins, if they were up to be in the hall of fame, they, they would.

[A]

Fucking, they would be first ballot. That's how it works. Like Rex Ryan. Rex Ryan.

[B]

If that fucking guy had enough wins, that fucking guy. Nobody made the press's job easier than that guy. He was a fucking quote machine and.

[A]

They, they fucking loved him. They loved him. And meanwhile they watched Bill Belichick, who's arguably the greatest coach of the modern era, right up there with the Bill Walshes.

[B]

They never enjoyed him, they never gave him his props.

[A]

You Know, even to this day. Even to this day.

[B]

Like, I remember when he lost the first game as a coach at unc.

[A]

There was all of these people so.

[B]

Fucking excited about him getting his ass kicked. And, like, evidently, he was supposed to turn that whole program around in one game.

[A]

It just.

[B]

It is what it is. And I don't think this is a reflection of Bill Belichick or anything. What it really is, is it's just how Fat man titted petty sports writers.

[A]

It's just how they are.

[B]

And I also think it didn't help Belichick's cause that Tom Brady was an absolute dreamboat at the time, married to a supermodel. I mean, these are people that eat Cheetos and their mantits, sit on their beer bellies, and just to have to go into that locker room and interview these people and then leave, you know, and go out and get into a Honda Civic, you know, it's just. It wears on you after a while. And then when. Someday, when you get your chance to fucking, you know, write a hit piece or not vote for them, they.

[A]

They do it.

[B]

So there you go.

[A]

I mean, that's what it is. I mean, the guy, he's got eight fucking rings.

[B]

I don't know how you don't get in, but okay.

[A]

I guess the guy who never played.

[B]

The game at the level feels that.

[A]

That'S he's gonna get in and nobody's.

[B]

Gonna remember that he didn't get in the first time. Nobody gives a fuck. Anybody that knows anything about football knows what the fucking guy did. You know what I mean? It's like that kid on the Montreal Canadiens who just scored that hat trick against the Bruins.

[A]

It would be me, like, saying, that.

[B]

Guy sucks, or that the refs did something, or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, I would never do that. That kid can fucking play. And Montreal looks. They got the best team that they've had in a while, and they look really fast. There you go.

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

How hard is that to do now.

[A]

As far as their color commentator, I mean, that guy could, you know, I get it.

[B]

He's a homer. I like that guy, too. If I was a Canadian fan, I would be happy that when we let up a goal, he still brought up the toe save.

[A]

That fucking let.

[B]

That was the sweet rebound that the other team knocked in.

[A]

Oh, heck of a toe save by Mardenbo.

[B]

Anyway, I will tell you this. If. If he's like that in his marriage, he's going to be married forever.

[A]

Oh, you let up the credit card Honey. But, oh, look at the nice stuff you bought, by the way. My apologies to every Canadian person out there. I know. This is the worst. This is the worst Canadian accent ever. Admit it.

[B]

I admit it, okay? I get it, I get it.

[A]

But he just kept going, oh, And I gotta tell you, it was pissing me off when I was running it. When I was running.

[B]

I was watching it.

[A]

I was running it back with my.

[B]

Built in vcr, my tv, whatever you call the dvr.

[A]

I was just watching the Taos downstairs in the living room, just watching it, just going, oh, just yelling at the tv.

[B]

I mean, it's really ridiculous. Anyways, so it's a couple of weeks.

[A]

Here before the Super bowl, maybe 10.

[B]

Days or some, and I'm contemplating whether.

[A]

I want to go.

[B]

It's right up the street there, right outside of San Francisco. I'm going to be up in the area anyway. But I don't know, man, it's at my age, like, I'm not gonna spend. It's like four grand or something. I'm gonna spend four grand to sit next to an adult who's wearing everything.

[A]

But cleats and 12th man written across.

[B]

His face and, you know, is not.

[A]

Gonna sit down for the whole game.

[B]

Listen, I'm not saying all Seattle fans are like that, but like, when I was growing up, like, you people went to a game and you just. You wore what you wore when you shoveled the driveway. Like, I just don't understand, like this Star wars level dressing up that people do.

[A]

They'll put like the black under their eyes.

[B]

When I was a kid, there was one. There was like always one per. Every fan base had that one guy. Kind of like the jets, they had.

[A]

That guy with the.

[B]

The fire helmet. You know, you had that. The Orioles had the guy that got up on the dugout.

[A]

You had one lunatic.

[B]

And it was fun. And he sort of led the crowd in cheers. This is before the giant, you know, scoreboards and the DJs and all of this other fucking horseshit. And, you know, I didn't mind that. But when it became like everybody in the crowd, I mean, you look at the crowd at a Raiders game and it looks like you're at Comic Con. I don't understand that. But I also know that I'm old and time has passed me by. So I'm not saying what they're doing is wrong. I'm just saying I don't want to sit next to that. I don't want to listen to some fat person wearing a football jersey screaming let's go. This is what we do. Beast mode. And then having to sit there for 10 minute breaks of commercials. It's a really weird thing. I'll tell you what's another weird thing is I just fucking ate. My stomach is still growling. I ate healthy. I ate a salad.

[A]

I mean, what.

[B]

It just doesn't make any sense. Anyways, I'm psyched for Morgan. Geeky, though. 12 games, didn't have a goal. And all these, you know, once again, guys with man boobs sitting on their fucking beer bellies are just talking about how he's in this. You know, it's weird. You would think sportswriters, how fat and out of shape they are, would understand the ebbs and flows of life and that, you know, it's not during the flow period that you see who you are.

[A]

It's the ebbs.

[B]

It'S the down periods.

[A]

That's where you get to see what.

[B]

You'Re made out of.

[A]

All right, so they don't get it.

[B]

It's like, you know, you think he's the first goal scorer that went through fucking 10, 12 games.

[A]

He didn't score anything. Now look at him. He scored five, five games in a row. He went from the third line back up to the first.

[B]

First line, right? I don't know. Anyway, I like that kid who came up though that Marat.

[A]

Oh, Husnadinov.

[B]

I like that guy. I like that dude. And then what's his face? Jonathan Aspero. I thought it was Ass Burrow, not Aspero. And I kept joking with my wife when they would say. I thought they were saying Aspero. And I said to her, I go, I think the first eight years of my standup, I did gigs in Aspero. Sorry, that is literally a dad comedian joke. But I like that guy.

[A]

He's an old school dude. He's got that.

[B]

He's.

[A]

Guess he has like an old school.

[B]

Guys, guys mustache, like the Burt Reynolds, you know, Tom Selleck. And then that guy, I always forget his name. And I love the show too. That guy on Matt Houston.

[A]

And he.

[B]

Had like a real like cowboy name. I gotta get that guy's name down. I always use him as a reference. And I always say that guy from Matt Houston. Because I was a kid, I watched the show, he didn't have a name. His name was Matt Houston. You know, I really look at him. He couldn't have been further from a mat than I've ever seen in my life. He's definitely a Houston. Sean Corrali.

[A]

Fourth Line, center, grinding it out.

[B]

Sorry, I got the game on right now. Anyway, what the fuck else was I gonna talk about? I gotta do a show tonight. I had a great, really fun show the other night. Just tried a whole bunch of new shit, and it was Kevin Nealon's show. And that guy truly is one of the most fun people and funniest people in fucking show business. And whenever I run into him, all he does is try to wind me up. And I know he's doing it, and I don't give a fuck, and he just wants to hear all the stupid shit I'm gonna say. And I swear to God, like, I showed up at the beginning of the show and I went on later, and when he was hosting, just in between, that's all we did. We just sat there trashing each other. And it was one of the most fun gigs I've had in a while. And it was a benefit, you know, And I got a tin of cookies for doing it. And I was doing so well, not. Not fucking with sugar, even this morning, I went out to breakfast and they gave me this complimentary something or other, and I didn't eat it. And I just had a salad, as I mentioned, that was fine. And I opened it up, and it's those cookies. You know, those cookies that are as big as a hockey puck. Not flat.

[A]

They're big, chunky.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, if you were playing pickup hockey with this cookie, people would be like, no lifting. Like, no one's wearing pads. And I saw that thing, and I'm not gonna lie to you, I am ashamed. I just fucking grabbed the first one I saw and just wolfed it down. And I got halfway through it, and I already started feeling like shit. But, you know, I grew up old school, you know, the clean plate club. So I didn't throw the other half out. I ate the other half. And I gotta tell you, I don't feel good right now. And I swear to God, eating sugar, it's the exact same feeling I have after watching a porno. I just don't feel good afterwards.

[A]

I'm ashamed.

[B]

I say out loud, just remember how you feel in case you're ever tempted to do this again. That's how I feel right now. But like all viewing of porn, it was glorious while it happened. All right, I'm being an asshole. Anyway, Bruins up two to nothing after two periods, so we must let up. We give it down, we're let up, too. I like Stamkos closing out his career in Nashville. That must be Fun. You know, that guy has played in front of rednecks his entire career. He was in Tampa, which is a.

[A]

Oh, he scores with 34 and a half seconds to go.

[B]

You look at Marco Stern. Jesus Christ. How many times we're going to give up the. Oh, imposter was in the box too.

[A]

Oh, and he was like, how did he turn the puck on his side like that?

[B]

Oh, that was this nice goal. That was a beauty. That was a beauty. Two to one. Okay, so they score one goal, then they tie it up and then. All right, I get it. Then we're playing the Filthy Flyers tonight.

[A]

That should be fun.

[B]

So I mentioned I got my kids some baseball stuff. So we, we play catch every day after school and in the morning I go out. I love it. My son goes, hey dad, can you throw me some hits? It's just the best. He's got a little black eye. Was wrestling with some kid at school. It was funny. I go to school, oh, you know, blah, blah, see him and some other kid, they kind of had a little play fight or whatever.

[A]

I was just like, I got my son do. She's like, he did all right. I was like, all right, you know, what are you gonna do? Hey, kid, take down a number.

[B]

Anyway, what do I got coming up?

[A]

I don't have any fucking reads.

[B]

I don't got any fucking reads, dude. But I got some stand up gigs coming up. I gotta get a gig in February. I need to go do my hours somewhere. Cause then I start back up in March. I'm really excited about that. I'm doing the road now like an old guy. So I'm going out there, I'm having fun. I'm not gonna be like running around, you know, three nights, three cities. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm gonna do this thing where I just wanna play like the same place, like two, three nights in a row. Be able to unpack and enjoy all of these cities that I've been going to. Cause you know, for a while I haven't been doing that. I've been doing like one night's one nighters everywhere. And you know, that's all right if you're in a city you don't give a about, but if you're in a city you actually like, you know, it's like you're landing that day and you got to do the show that night and then leave.

[A]

Phil, we get it.

[B]

It's a one night. All right. Yeah, well, I ain't doing it like that anymore.

[A]

That's all I'm trying to. That's all I'm really trying to say.

[B]

Anyway, Anyway. Anyway. Had to go pick up my kids. I'm back. A little quick edit there. Here's some that I've got. I gotten back into Pantera, all of these bands. I always end up circling back to them and listen to that album, the Great Southern Treadkill. And Vinnie Paul's drumming, rest his soul on warnerv. It's just. It's a masterpiece. It's just such a fun. I just. I just was listening to. It's funny, like, when that album, when that band first came out, it was too hard for what I was listening to, to try to, like, get caught up. And then like, 10 years later, you know, I started listening like, oh, my God, I was so wrong. These guys are fucking amazing. And now kind of where I'm at is I still think they're amazing. And, like, I. But I'm just not that angry anymore. I wonder if their singer is.

[A]

And then, that's weird.

[B]

He still has to sing those lyrics like that. You know, you chill out as you get older. But there was definitely a time I was listening. You know, I still love the. I mean, Pantera is one of the great. I'm going to the gym bands, you know, like, you don't feel like going. You put on Cowboys From Hell or I'm Broken, all of that shit. I. And, like, I will say, okay, Vinnie Paul, like, the drum parts that he came up with to fit those incredible rips by his brother Dimebag. It's just so much fun to play to. And it's making me get back into, like, double bass because I haven't touched my double. I mean, I have it hooked up on my kit, but, like, I'll play drums for two hours and never once use it because I was never that guy. I was always more single bass drum player. And I was never into, you know, a lot of that shit that I ended up getting into. Like, you know, my family and, like, friends of mine were listening to Metallica and Slayer. I didn't get into that shit till later. And by then I had already started being a comedian. I was living in New York, and there was no place to play drums. Forget about. Learn how to play double bass. But anyway, you just. I don't know, for as much new music that I was listening to, that Daniel Caesar guy, Cleo Soul, all of this amazing, amazing music, there's just nothing replaces the music from when you were young, because you were young and you had your whole life ahead of you and you had all these ideas and dreams, and they're all connected in with that music. And it just becomes like, I don't know, bigger than life. And there's this youthful joy even as an old guy going back, listening to that. Memories and concerts you went to and stupid that you did and first crushes, all of that comes back. And as much as, you know, modern music, you know, there's so much good stuff out there. It's just really hard to find now that it's. Everything's all spread out. But I always end up going back. Like, you know, Aerosmith, acdc, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, all of those. All of those bands. Def Leppard, Motley Crue, all of those fucking bands that I was listening to. And then when I got into warehousing, you know, I worked with these guys that were into more 60s, 70s shit. And then I got into, like, Bad Company, Led Zeppelin, I don't even know what else. All of that's Crosby, Stills and Nash. They were playing. I got into that shit and. And then I started doing Stand up. And I started out with the late, great Patrice o'. Neill. And I still remember being in Tower Records on Newbury street, which I don't even know what that is now, and him handing me the Biggie Smalls cassette tape and asking me if I listen to that. And I said, I haven't listened to that yet. He goes. He goes, this is the right here. And he handed it to me because I forget what the fuck I was listening to. I had an Ice Cube tape that he liked. He was very like, with rap, it was either, you should be listening to this shit, or I'm gonna throw this tape out the window. So I had this Ice Cube. America's Most Wanted was handing the gun to you. He liked that one. And then I had another one. I think it was an iced tea. And he wanted to throw that one out the window. And then we went to fucking. He went to Tower, and he's like, bill, if you can listen to this, he goes, listen to this. I go, I should listen to that guy. He goes, yeah, that guy's the. So whenever I listen to Biggie, that first album takes me back to meeting Patrice, going at Nick's Comedy Stop. And all of those guys that I started out with, Robert Kelly, you know, Dane Cook, Bob Malley, all of those guys. Rick Delia, Pete Cummin, rest his soul. Wayne Previty, rest his soul. Nick Costas, all of these guys that I started out with.

[A]

And.

[B]

Yeah, that was another thing. Like, I couldn't believe that I was doing open mics. I couldn't believe that I was becoming a comedian. I couldn't believe the first time I got $5 gas money. Who the fuck's room was I working the was that guy's name? I can't even remember, but I just, I couldn't believe it. I got $5 for which, but you know, a couple gallons of gas, which was no joke back then. And, but these would like. And when I, whenever I listen, here's one for you. Here's one for you. Whenever I, I listen to that Alice in Chains album, Jar of Flies, the acoustic one, all I think about is driving in my 83 Ford Ranger back from a gig, having to work the next morning going down 95 or 93 or 495 or 24 or Route 3, just somewhere doing some gig in the fucking pizza parlor or a sports bar.

[A]

And.

[B]

I still remember getting a flat tire listening to that album. And I had finally gone out and bought and put a long pipe so I could get leverage. You know that fucking bullshit jack they give you? You know, with just that little L shape, you can't get any torque on it, any leverage. So this comedian that was a, a mechanic during the day, he goes, two things. Get a fire extinguisher and get an extension of pipe in case you have a flat so you can get the lug nuts off. And I right, and I got that. I remember it was on the left, left hand driver's side in the back, of course. And I'm on, you know, I pulled off two wheels on the shoulder, but I got to make sure, you know, it's like level ground. I knew to do that and like the cars were flying by and I was scared shitless. And I changed this tire and I had my spare tire. I made sure it used to be like underneath the truck. And I saw the bolt was all rusted on. And, and what I should have done looking back was just maintain that bolt because I used to always have it in the back of my truck. And eventually somebody stole this spare, but no one had stolen the spare. And I had it right there and right in the back of the truck. And dude, I changed that fucking tire like a one man NASCAR crew just because I didn't want to get run over, hit by a fucking drunk driver or whatever. And I had that thing changed in like two minutes. And I'm not exaggerating, like I, I remember had that stupid vinyl seat. I made sure that I, I, I got out on the other side the Passenger side, put the seat. I grabbed it, and then there was these two screws you had to get. Oh, no, that was another thing, too. Oh, I. I got a. I got a real jack, too. Not the one that came with the truck. I got one of those. Those really good ones, you know, the ones that when you let it down, it kind of. It goes down like. Like. Like hydraulics down like that. You remember when you had a boombox, there was two different kinds with the cassette tape. There was the one that opened. Oh, it opened nice and slow. And then there was the other one. That's when they.

[A]

Bam.

[B]

Almost like it was like it got the Heimlich and was spitting your tape out. I got the jack version of the nice boombox ejection of the cassette tape. Anyway, so that's to say that I'm back to listening to Pantera. And not all the lyrics are bad, but, like, some of them, you know, just that one war nerve. It starts off. It says, the world for all it's worth, every inch of planet Earth. And I just like, all right, this guy needs a hug. Probably needs some feelings acknowledged from important.

[A]

Role models when he was a child.

[B]

And I don't think he really means every inch of planet or all of it. You know, you don't like any of it.

[A]

Even the part that has a nice breeze, you know, blowing through the trees.

[B]

Peanut butter jelly sandwich, some potato chips.

[A]

Sitting on a back porch.

[B]

That. That part, too? I don't think so, but we were all young, angry men at one point. All right, I don't know where this podcast went, but.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's it. I think that's it.

[B]

All right, with that, please listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thelis.

[A]

And then after this, we're gonna have.

[B]

A bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast from a Thursday gone by in the past.

[A]

That's it. Have a great weekend.

[B]

You can. MotoGP is coming up, as is the.

[A]

Super bowl the following week.

[B]

And then that is the official end of fucking football season, if you can believe it. It came and went again. That's what parents have to say when they try to tell a new parent how fast your kids grow up.

[A]

Just say, you know, how fast the NFL football season goes by.

[B]

It's like that, but with a person.

[A]

All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Monday. Sam, Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 29, 2018. What's going on? How are you? All right, well, this was a born. This would have been a boring Sunday because there was, you know, there's no football, right? They got the. You got the week off in between there, between the super bowl and the championship games. They had the Pro bowl today, which was kind of cool. Look like football in the future where they would, you know, they'd start to tackle somebody and they're like, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. You know, I don't know if that's the concussion thing or the Me, too. I don't know what it is. He does not want you touching him. Do not throw him to the ground. I have a special guest to liven up my Sunday there. Right there.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

The one and only Todd Rex. For Christ's sake, Todd, you're one of my favorite fucking people in this business. And you are one of my favorite comedians. So it is a pleasure, dude.

[C]

I feel that the feeling is mutual, man.

[A]

You don't have to compliment me on this.

[C]

You're one of my idols, man.

[A]

Dude, you are. You are the silliest fucking dude. You make me feel mature. That's what I like. Todd Rex, okay? Yes. Todd Rex, who checks off a lot of boxes in this day of caring. That's right, you do.

[C]

I don't even know what that means.

[A]

I don't know what it means either. I'm just trying to be progressive. You would think that somebody would come his way and finally tap the magic wand on his head and make something happen and say, todd, you've been destroying at least three times as hard as ten times of the. Whatever, whatever. The math is all the fucking comics out there. I love working with you, but I hate following you. You fucking murder. Finally, this fucking asshole, he got himself a special that he's taping, and he needs some people to come down. And then you can, you know, go on and I can open for you, make you sweat a little there.

[C]

Not a chance.

[A]

All right, he's gonna be at the Satellite Theater in Silver lake. The satellite la.com for tickets.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

February 11th, you're going to be doing the show.

[C]

It's a Sunday there, but you should come out there and support there.

[A]

All right, Sunday, which is a week after the super bowl, right? So everybody knows. 7:30 and 9:30.

[C]

Two shows.

[A]

Two shows. Two shows. 2 shows. So you're gonna go out there, you. You knock the first one out. You go, all right, I got it. And then the next one, you just go off cruise.

[C]

Is that what you do when you do yours? You like you button. The first one's tightened up.

[A]

And then I spend the whole night trying to forget that I'm taping one. Really stop trying to think like, oh, my God, I missed that tag.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

That needed to be documented in the comedy universe. I just try to look at it like, all right, this is just. I'm just documenting where my hour was on this night, and this is how it came out. And then once you do that. Because every night when you go up there, I don't know about you, but, I mean, I'm constantly fucking up jokes, constantly leaving shit out, and then it adds to something else, right? And I never think of it. Never think about it. Like, I never thought to get you a glass of water before you sat here for a fucking hour. What an idiot. I might have to hit pause here in a minute, but I'm good. That's just how I had to do it that way.

[C]

Just because I wanted to think about your. I wanted to ask you about your thought process because I was curious. Like, I know the night before going to be a wreck, you know, just.

[A]

Thinking about it and making all the funny guys worry. Hacks. Don't worry. Hacks are already working on their next hacky hour. Yeah. They're not even nervous. They're just. And they'll go off stage with their shitty material, be like, dude, I crushed.

[B]

I crushed.

[A]

And every funny guy's like, was it good? Oh, my God, that was terrible. I do that every. Every time. I just really, in a roundabout way, compliment to myself. I know. I'm. You know, I got a ways to go, people I gotta rush.

[C]

You're one of them dead beasts.

[A]

Yeah, so I. Someone told me. I think Louis CK Told me, and I think he heard this from fucking Bill Cosby. How funny is that? He heard that you work this hard to get there. Don't forget to have fun. So make sure, because if you're having fun, that's going to be. You're going to feel better about it afterwards. If you're someone who nitpicks at himself, there's no way you're going to be happy at the end of it. So just be forgiving. Just be the silly, hilarious guy you are. You'll be fine.

[C]

Yeah, I'm not really too worried about it, but I just want to make.

[A]

Sure that I already can tell you worry about it. You see? You seem tighter than usual. Yeah, geezed it.

[C]

While I'm doing your podcast, this is kind of a Big deal for me too. I feel like it is.

[A]

Didn't the whole thing. Now that you've peeked behind the curtain, it's just me with a 99 mixer from Good Times Santa.

[C]

We're sitting here on the couch like Ernie and Burt.

[A]

I know. All I did to prepare for you is I turned on the AC and I squirted some Febreze. That's it. I know everybody has these fancy studios. I just did. I did your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Brzanski. I just did theirs. And they have this whole fucking studio. Rogan has like a literally like a stern level studio.

[C]

Jeez.

[A]

And I should say step it up at some point.

[C]

Yeah. But your house is dope. I don't know. No one can see it, but your house is dope.

[A]

Oh, thank you. It wasn't when I bought it, but now that I've dumped all this money into it and I can never get my money back. Yeah, it is pretty good. I, I, this house was like almost 100 years old when I got it. Almost 90 years old.

[C]

People living here before though, right?

[A]

Yeah. I don't want to talk about that though. Because then people will figure out where I live.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[A]

I already have to edit out one of the comments you made earlier. That will do. People are lunatics and that's what they. I'll tell you later. Just. It was just enough of something to make some psycho just turn around and face his speaker and start writing down information.

[B]

But I'm a paranoid dude. Yeah.

[A]

Anyways. What was I talking. What the fuck we just talking about my add I don't know either. I had no idea you've been watching any hockey. Did you see Marshawn's elbow? It was a thing of beauty.

[C]

Really.

[A]

It was a thing. It was so. It was perfect. Filthy.

[C]

Really. He's in league.

[A]

I know. He's the size of Barney Rubble. So nobody. He's not going to get called out. Like. ALF was probably one of the worst, but dude, he was. And I love Marshawn and I love the Bruins, but I love him. Come on. He's. But, but the thing is I don't like that aspect. Like doing that.

[C]

Did you see when.

[A]

But I also destroyed him. Oh, dude.

[C]

My God. That was a brutal hit.

[A]

Oh, I thought he had like internal bleeding after that look, like. Because he kept. He kept skating, but he kept skating. Yeah. And he was just going like. And it seemed like beyond.

[B]

The way.

[A]

The thing about PK Well, I'm so glad he placed for Nashville. Not for Montreal anymore. It was. He.

[C]

Racist bastard.

[A]

He used to. He used to get us all the time. And everybody knew that was his move. And I don't know why. No one could. He just knew exactly when your head was down for a second. It was two crossovers. He was inside, and then all of a sudden he was just in front of you and he just ended your life for like, I don't know, like two shifts. But, yeah, I'm. I always like that guy. I never take it to the. To the point. If there's a guy on a team that I don't like.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You know, like when Derek Jeter played for the Yankees, I couldn't. I couldn't get myself to.

[B]

To.

[A]

To get to the point of, like, actually hating him. It's like, the guy's great, right?

[C]

He is good.

[A]

Yeah. All you're saying is, I wish this guy was on my team.

[C]

Yeah. I've been watching some hockey, watching my son play hockey. He's a beast.

[A]

Of course, I know. You showed me all the. The video of him.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he, like, picked it up in 2C. He was, like, playing drums or something. Right.

[C]

He also plays the drums, too.

[A]

And he plays drums and he plays hockey. Jesus. Kid's gonna be crushing it.

[C]

He's gonna get more leg than I am.

[A]

You could be a grandfather by the time this special comes out, you know? Jeez. Where you been working to?

[C]

I just. I just flew back today from Phoenix. I was with Craig. Craig Robinson, you know, I've been doing with him for like a couple years now when he's not shooting television shows.

[A]

Which is all the time that guy works, so.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Where were you guys working?

[C]

We were working at Stand Up Live in Phoenix.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I know that place.

[C]

Five sold out shows. It was fantastic. Had a ball.

[A]

I did the. You know what's funny? That's fucking nuts. About as far as, like that downtown area, how lively it is. Yeah. If there's something going on. But the second the workday ends, like during the week, if you're there, like at 5:00'. Clock. Yeah. It's creepy. If the Suns don't have a game.

[C]

Right.

[A]

It's over.

[C]

Right? Yeah. I love it, though. I mean, I couldn't live there, I don't think, but I had a really good time there. I had a good time traveling with you, though. We went down south. I was just, like, reading some comments about. Give me the keys. Just give us the keys.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, that lady.

[A]

I thought about that the other day. We went to Check in that hotel. And that lady was just with the instructions. Our gym is on the fourth floor. It's open from nine to nine. There's a continental breakfast, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like. And I'm sitting there going like, oh my God, how long is this gonna take? And she's in the middle of. You go. Just use the keys. She got like, offended.

[C]

She was mad for real.

[A]

Dude. I was laughing like I was in high school, man. It was one of those laughs. I was just like. Because what it was, was the fact that she didn't find it funny, right? It was already hilarious. But the fact that she didn't find it funny, it hurt her feelings. She didn't know how to deal with it. Then she got mad all in like, like half a second. Right then I felt like I was in class again, where it's like, oh my God, don't start fucking laughing or you're going to. You're going to get like the tension or something. Yeah. You also took me to that, that fucking. Was it that barbecue place or something?

[C]

Oh, yeah. What is it called? Was it.

[A]

Don't say the name of it, cuz it was terrible.

[B]

Well, what.

[C]

The first place we went to, then we went to the.

[A]

We went to that. We went to that one where it was a giant fucking place and they had like 40 fried murdered chickens that you could see. You don't remember that place. It was gigantic, you know? Oh my God, this place is fucking unbelievable.

[C]

Is that the place where you ate? And then we went to the, to the NASCAR track and then you were like T. Rex, wishing he had a salad.

[A]

Where was that in.

[C]

I was in Charlotte.

[A]

That was Charlotte. Okay. And we did the NASCAR experience.

[C]

That was very cool. Talking about crushing it. That dude who was driving us around, he's 20 years old, named Dylan.

[A]

Remember that? I know. And he weighs as much as a jockey, right? Because he doesn't want to slow the car down. I couldn't believe what, what a piece of a race car looks like when you walk up to it. I've seen Formula one cars up close. They look like absolute, like. It looks like if you've stepped on it, the whole thing would fall apart. Because all it is, it's just. It's just an engine, suspension and tires and everything else is just the lightest.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Did you see the, the gas pedal.

[C]

Which looked like a stick.

[A]

It was like a bent coat hanger. It's like really like if you had like that just the floor thing, whatever that the pedal is to rest your. Your foot on if you have that in there. That's the difference between you, I guess, winning the race or coming in, like, third. Because that thing's sitting there, the piece.

[C]

Of rubber that's going to weigh the car down.

[A]

That race that actually they're. NASCAR's not doing well.

[C]

It's not. The numbers are down.

[A]

No. When I went to the Daytona 500, they painted the seats, like every other seat. Like, they had, like, three colors, and they would paint them.

[C]

They make it look like there's people in the seats.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Cameras flying by and, you know, you.

[A]

Used to have it like that was the Minnesota North Stars really used to have seats like that. I thought it was cool. And now I'm thinking, well, maybe because nobody showed up for the game and maybe that's why they moved to Dallas. So when I hear all those Minnesota North Star fans still complaining that their team left. I mean, if there was people. Well, if there was people there, I wouldn't have noticed.

[C]

Right, right, exactly. You wouldn't have been able to see the season.

[A]

Ah, they were out there skating on thousand lakes there. You watch any of the football?

[C]

What's that?

[A]

You watch any of the football?

[C]

I haven't been watching any football. The only team I like is the Washington Redskins, and they're terrible. Number one.

[A]

Oh, that's right. You're from Baltimore. How did you become a Redskins fan?

[C]

No, I'm from Silver Spring, Maryland, right over the DC line. Like, people always think Baltimore. Okay, but, you know, I had grass and shit in my yard, two cars, both parents are around. Not saying that that's not available in Baltimore, but people think of the wire in the corner when they think about Baltimore. But that's not where I lived.

[A]

Oh, that's why. Because that's where I met you. I met you at the Baltimore Improv.

[B]

With that.

[A]

That long, you had to walk down, like, that three quarters of a mile.

[C]

Hallway, the last mile or whatever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was the worst location ever for a. For a. For a comedy club. I was all thrilled. They let me come down there and they asked me if I wanted to close out the Sunday one time because somebody canceled. And I was all excited. And I drove there from New York City to do it, and I was like, I'm gonna get in with the improvs. And I showed up and there was like 10 people there. And the owner talked, was talking to the booker, never talked to me, and then walked out while I was on stage. And I remember being on stage, like, I think I knew when I was on stage because I was kind of glancing over like, okay, well, is that.

[C]

Works at Sonic Burger?

[A]

Ah, man, it was. Yeah, it was really fucking annoying. I don't know why anybody who ran a club, why the fuck he would ever do that. Because you don't know who's coming down, and for all you know, they're gonna go on, you know, and do something. The fact that you would. I was driving down from. He didn't even say thanks. Classic fucking club managers. You fat, big 50 inch fucking waist.

[C]

Oh, my.

[A]

You know what I mean? With those slacks, that giant fucking belt.

[C]

Right, the gabardine, whatever they're called. What are those slacks called? Action slacks.

[A]

Yeah, the action slacks. Yeah. Yeah, I ran to a number of those people. That's my big thing, though, this year. I. Do you know I'm turning 50.

[C]

Are you really?

[A]

Turning 5. 0 in June.

[C]

49 in May.

[A]

You do all right there, youngster.

[C]

Behind you there.

[A]

You want to know what the next year your life's gonna be like?

[C]

I. Hopefully it's gonna be something like yours.

[A]

No. Well, I've decided that I'm gonna. I'm gonna get myself that, like, rather than looking at 50 with dread, which I'm really not considering. I. You know, so many of my friends have died. Didn't even make it so.

[C]

Holy. You. You know Joe Rekka in dc?

[A]

Don't tell me he died.

[C]

He swear to God he did. Yeah.

[A]

No, he didn't.

[C]

He did last weekend. Last Sunday.

[A]

He died?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Of what?

[C]

It was like some kind of cardiac event. One of his friends was, like, coming from Connecticut, going down to Florida. Hadn't seen Joe in, like 15 years. Stopped by his house and they were gonna go to the Improv to watch Lavelle Crawford. And Joe said he had a headache and went upstairs to take some, like, aspirin or whatever and, like, sat on the bed and, like, laid back and croaked while his buddy was there that he hadn't seen in 15 years.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah. Isn't that crazy?

[A]

Oh, my. Dude, that guy had one of my favorite fucking jokes.

[C]

What, about the kung fu?

[A]

No, the joke he did when he was having unprotected sex with the woman. You know, he goes, I'm doing my thing and I'm doing my thing. She goes, joe, don't you come at me. Don't you come at me, Joe. Joe, God damn you, don't come at me. And he goes. I blocks all that out.

[C]

Joe is hilarious.

[A]

I haven't seen him in. I haven't seen him in like 15 years.

[C]

It's gonna be.

[A]

I just said no. Oh, jeez. Ah, fuck.

[C]

Yeah, but we're getting at that age where people are just dying and say.

[A]

You know, what's really fucked up is people are dying.

[C]

That I don't. It's not even, like, shocking to me anymore.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Like, when I hear it now, I used to be like, oh, my God. But I was at my son's hockey game when someone called me, and he was like, yo, Joe, reckon. I was like, you serious? And he was like, yo. But I said, how? And he's like, I don't know. I'll find out. And I was like, all right, call me back. I'm on my son's hockey game five years ago.

[A]

You know what it is, is the first wave that goes is. It's usually be bad genetics, bad luck, or bad diet. And then after that, it's like, if you had half a bad diet, half bad genetics, just literally like, when the grim reaper is going to get you. So speaking of that, becoming a dad at this point, I was fucking old as I am. I got it. You know, I've cut back on the boozing, and so I'm trying to get myself down to my. To my fighting weight and actually maybe get a person.

[C]

You look fit.

[A]

Yeah, I took four months off of booze, and then for the last month, I've been drinking, like, lightly. But I don't know, I think I'm just too old now because I took those fucking four months off. And now going back to it just. I get two in the next. I drink two, and I'm just, like, banged up the next day. So I don't know. I think I'm gonna go. I was joking that I'm gonna go. I'm gonna be like sting in my 50s. Just do, like, fucking Pilates and yoga, tantric sex. Try to learn how to come for 40 minutes. That's how a lot of his music is. Is recorded. A lot of people don't know that when it's actually him coming in the beginning of Synchronicity. Whoa. Yeah, that's him. That's him. They record him and they record him. They record him bagging his wife, right, for the first 40 minutes. Then the last five minutes, he just sings the song. And right as he comes, that's the hook. Gordon Sumner, come there. Oh, geez. I saw him at. I saw him at the Hollywood bowl with Elma Said Gaylord Perry. That's a picture.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Who's the guy from Genesis that sang Sledgehammer? Peter Gabriel.

[C]

Peter Gabriel.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They both were fucking awesome. And they had like. And I was like, all right, who's gonna hit? Who's gonna open? Who's gonna close? And they just. One would sing a song, and then the next one come out and sing a song. And then they were just both out there. And if it was the other person's song, they would just sing back up.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's dope. Peter Gabriel had like synchronized dance moves and shit. It was. In the end they were bad, but that was part of the joke. But you just see was he didn't give a fuck. It was like two guys.

[C]

His daughter plays with him too sometimes.

[A]

Is that right?

[C]

Plays like the violin. And she comes out and crushes on the violin.

[A]

I'm trying to remember if he had a violinist. I just know that he was just like the guy who just aged and said fuck it, right where Sting was, you know, still in shape and shit.

[C]

So Peter Gay look terrible now.

[A]

Oh, dude, he came out looking like, you know that headliner that didn't make it who just doesn't give a fuck anymore, comes out with like wearing like the same sweatsuit he was wearing when you picked him up at the airport. Just walks on stage, maybe put a hat on. He had a beat up big onesie on.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And then Sting always has one of those. Those clothes that looks like he's gonna do. What was that movie he did with Tina Turner where she shaved the side of her head?

[C]

Oh, my. Thunderdome.

[A]

Thunderdome. I feel like he got a bunch of clothes from that movie that still fit him, right?

[C]

He still has the trailer, the. The wardrobe trailer.

[A]

All that mesh, Spider man looking flashy underwear peeking out of the back.

[C]

Chain mail shirt.

[A]

Well, I saw those guys. They. They absolutely killed it here. I got to make sure we're 20 minutes in. some point. I do have to read a little bit advertising, but. Dude, who's your Internet provider at and T? Mine is just. It's just not happening for me here.

[B]

I think I might. I don't even know who I have.

[A]

NIA handles that. And it's. It's just been on the fritz. I gotta drive the fritz. It's been on the fritz. I gotta drive over to Starbucks, buy something Starbucks. I don't drink coffee. All right? I mean, I guess the coffee has to be amazing.

[C]

With the strong as it is, you could. You don't need any caffeine.

[A]

Oh, I know, I know. I'm the worst.

[C]

Like, wired as hell.

[A]

I'm the Worst.

[B]

Dude, I. I need like the reverse of that.

[A]

But you go in there, all of their food just sucks. All of their food just fucking sucks. All right, let me, let me read.

[B]

A little advertising here.

[A]

How much time are you going to do on your special?

[C]

I'm doing an hour.

[A]

Hour. That's it.

[C]

Doing an hour, maybe a little longer so we can cut it down.

[A]

Oh, do as little long as I would do, like whatever you. You want it to be. I would only do a little bit more than that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because. Yeah, it makes your life so much easier. If you want to do an hour special, do like an hour and 10, then you usually just lift a bit or two.

[C]

The same guys that are shooting my special shot Ornie Adams special that he just did, and they said that the only did like an hour and 20 minutes and that they wanted to cut it down to an hour because Showtime wasn't buying an hour 20 minute specials. They were just buying our special.

[A]

Oh, then you got to start killing your babies. Yeah.

[C]

But he refused to cut it, and so they just took it at an hour and 20. So if you watch the special that's on right now, that's on Showtime right now. It's an hour and 20 minutes.

[A]

Jesus. Horny Adams telling the business which way it's going. Wow. I would have been like, all right, I'll cut it down. All right. Oh, look. Oh, zip RickRuder.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Talk about the challenge of finding great talent. Well, usually I have a hack on here, but this week I found Todd. Rex. Thank you. I found you on ZipRecruiter. I looked up hilarious guys shooting a special in fucking silver. Like, all right. ZipRecruiter knew there was a smarter way, so they built a platform that finds the right job candidates for you. ZipRecruiter learns what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experience, and invites them to apply to your job. If read by the wrong person, this would seem really racist, wouldn't it? Yeah. These invitations have revolutionized how you find your hire. In fact, 80% of the employees who post on the on zip get a quality candidate through the site in just one day. You got to do something interesting or they won't listen to it. And ZipRecruiter doesn't stop there. They even spotlight the strongest applications you receive, so you never miss a great match. The right candidates are out there. ZipRecruiter is how you find them. Business. Businesses of all side trust SIP for using their higher needs. See, now you're doing now, right now, my listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com/that's ZipRecruiter.com Burr ZipRecruiter.com Burr the smartest way to hire. Oh, Jesus. Look who's here. But up, up, up. Me undies. Me undies. No more sweaty balls.

[B]

Me undies.

[A]

Me undies. You can buy them at the fucking mall. I'm on my podcast with Todd Rex. He's shooting the special. What the heck? Go down and get yourself some fucking tickets. And your balls will feel great in these underwears. All right. You want to look good, Fake Todd. Do you want to look good with your significant other?

[C]

I do.

[A]

This Valentine's Day, you want your fucking junk to be sliding around silky smooth here. Then check out meundies matching pairs. Would you ever do this with your wife? A unique, fun gift for you and your valentine. They're the perfect balance of comfort, fit and exciting prints. Don't spend another Valentine's Day giving the same old gift. Check out Meundies.com find the best match for your match. Meundies are the most comfortable and fun undies you and your significant other will ever own. They're made from the softest materials on earth. We're talking three times softer than cotton. And I believe that at this point because the cotton lobby has never debated this.

[C]

Fetus. Foreskin. It's made out of fetus.

[A]

I heard that. That they dip in organic dyes so it doesn't give you ball cancer. This Valentine's Day, get your partner a gift. That's for the both of you. Order by February 5th at 10am for free standard shipping so your gift arrives in time. Matching pairs are fun, thoughtful, comfortable gift. They're going back in. They should have ended it right there. It's a comfortable gift you share with Your significant other. 100% satisfaction guarantee. Me undies guarantees you and your significant other will love your matching pairs or your money back. You know what they should do next year for? They should have everybody. Whoever sends in the cutest picture.

[C]

Picture of them in their.

[A]

In their matching pairs gets a free tip. Trip to matching Paris. Oh, no.

[C]

God. Matching Paris.

[A]

Nothing to get your 20% off. That was just an idea, people. That's not an actual offer. So don't send people in with your goddamn with your spare tire hanging over your silk John's there long johns. To get you 20 off your matching pair. Free shipping. 100 satisfaction guaranteed. Go to meundies.com that's meundies.com. oh, sorry, meundies.com Burr. That's meundies.com Bird. This will be the best Valentine's Day gift that you will give. Start matching your bottom half to your top. Better half go to meundies.com burr right now.

[C]

Do you have a pair of promotional here?

[A]

They gave me some. Did you?

[C]

Do they really?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you rock them?

[A]

I, I definitely won, but they, they definitely, they gave me the Greg Louganis cut on one of them. That was the west. The one, the, the, the West Hollywood cut there. So I, I, I was not in, I was not in gay male shape when I got him, so I did not look good. I'm trying to get it in as good a shape as those fellas down there, but who used to have the pit like that. I want to get in shape. No, I want to get in gay shape because I had a buddy of mine. All he does is he just loses, like, 10 pounds and then he just sort of pushes down his shirt going, dude, I look good. You know, he. You, like, pat your stomach? I think. I think I'm looking all right. Do you and your wife. Do you guys. Do you guys.

[C]

We have four kids. Of course we do.

[A]

No, do you guys. Do you guys celebrate Valentine's Day? Is there. No. At this point?

[C]

No.

[A]

How long you guys been together?

[C]

Since 95.

[A]

That's great, man.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Look at you. 23 years.

[C]

Yeah, but it took me till 2004 to tie the knot there.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Wanted to make sure she was the one there.

[A]

So how many years Was that?

[C]

Like 10 years down there?

[A]

Wait, 2001.

[C]

2004.

[A]

2004. So that's nine years.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Years.

[B]

All right. It took me.

[A]

What it was. Dude, it took me nine years, too.

[C]

Really?

[A]

The. Yeah, yeah. Stupid. I knew in nine months, but I was just like, I don't know.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then also, my wife was a little bit of a commitment fobe. We're both, like, commitment phobes, yet totally like, relationship people, so it totally worked. You know what I mean? So we lived our whole Sid and Nancy fucking lifestyle for a while, you know, not married, no kids, partying. Right. Had a great time.

[C]

We did that for a while, too.

[A]

Hit all the water parks with the matching T shirts. Oh, yeah. Matching me undies.

[C]

It took me forever to propose to her. But I'm gonna tell you why it happened. I went out party with friends of mine one night, and I ended up spending a night out in Virginia. And I was on my way back the Next day at like 10am and my wife was furious. She was my girlfriend at the time. We were living together, and she was furious. And she called me, and she already left me a message. And I checked the message, and then she called me again when we were driving home.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

And so when I picked up the phone, I just said, hey. I just was out here thinking with my friends. The reason I was like, I'm out here with my friends to spend the night is like, I was talking to a man. I think. I think I'm ready to settle down and marry you. Wow.

[A]

How mad was she that you had to come up with that? Did she know that? She better.

[C]

She will now when she listens to this.

[A]

No way. Oh, dude, I want to get you in trouble. So what did she do?

[C]

Was sad. She was like, really? And I was like, oh, my God, I can't wait for you to come home. And I was like, dude, I didn't want to have a fight when I got home for spending the night out. So. Yeah, so that defused the whole fight.

[A]

That was coming up and set you up for another thousand more over the next year. I. I just. Why the Did I do it? I finally just realized. Yeah, I just knew she was gonna leave. Some days off the pot. No. Some days when I was mad at her, I would fantasize about breaking up. But even in the fantasy of her breaking up, when she would walk out, even in the fantasy of that, I would still go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I was like, all right, I gotta make. Oh, yeah, that's. That's. That was the. Paul Verzi helped me get through that. Paul Verze has actually helped a number of comedians get over that. Like, that thing, you know, you think it's a mountainous. You're just stepping up on the curb. But it's just like, dude, where are you going?

[C]

Right? What do you do?

[A]

You know, she's going to be so happy. You're gonna be happy once you get through the vows and all of that. Then you just had a party with all of your friends and his. He was. He was 100, 100% fucking right. So I was gonna ask you, do you guys go out on Valentine's Day?

[C]

No, we don't really celebrate, like, what. I don't get our chocolates or nothing like that, or carbs. You know, we might. You know, we have the kids, so a lot of the times we're just. We'll wait till the kids go to sleep and then we'll, like, Have a bottle of wine and watch a movie or something downstairs. Something corny like that.

[A]

No, that's way better.

[C]

We're going out and go out to dinner. Like, dude, we're so old now. Sometimes it feels like we want to go out and have a good time. So we're like, we're going out to dinner and then go into Hollywood and get some drinks and maybe go to a dance club or whatever that by the time we're done eating dinner, we're like, you want to just go home?

[A]

Oh. And it's. How psyched you when the other person says that?

[C]

Yeah, it's like, yes, yes, I do just want to go. I don't want to go to Hollywood right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I. I for years would rather drink at home. I got better stuff here than they got out at the bar. They always have some shit, stuff, stuff.

[C]

I'm trying to rape you on the price also.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And once you're with the person you're going to be with that they got the worst booze. I'm not interested in meeting anybody.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So all I'm going to do is go out there and then I got to deal with, like, how am I getting home? This is before, like, Uber and all that. I've been. I've been drinking at home.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

For. For years.

[C]

Have some, like. Yeah, we have. What? Bourbon.

[A]

I have bourbon. Whiskey.

[C]

Scotch. I think tequila. You had this really smoky, I think whiskey one time I was here. Didn't you?

[A]

It was probably a scotch.

[C]

Scotch.

[A]

Yeah. Was it good?

[C]

Yeah, it was good.

[A]

Oh, did we smoke cigars?

[C]

Oh, no, no, I don't think we did.

[A]

Because as I was thinking, my daughter just had her first birthday and I was looking at the house. Dude, we had like 16 kids over here.

[C]

Really?

[A]

All our friends have kids now. Because, you know, once you have a kid, all your friends who don't have kids, it's just like, they keep living their rock star life. And you're like, you just. You get like six more calls. Like, I gotta watch the kid. And he just. They just. You just fade out. Start.

[C]

Yeah, they start disappearing over the horizon.

[A]

You just fade out. Like that band member who's on the first album. Then you was like, whatever happened?

[B]

That guy?

[A]

Then, you know, they never see that guy until, like, the VH1, behind the Music, he's just like, all right. You know, I didn't even know they're putting out a second album. They just never called me. And all of a sudden I was just like, right, guess get some out. Yeah, So I was looking around the living room and I. We had like, like 16 little kids in there, like ages. Yeah. And just like toys galore and just shit all over the place. And I was just looking, thinking like, you know, 18 months ago this would have been five of my friends. We would have been getting shit faced, right? Watching a game and smoking cigars and just how, like, how much it changes in a good way. Like we went to the, went to the park today for the first time. I went over, I put her on the swing and shit. She loved it, right? Oh, yes. Screaming.

[C]

It's the greatest. You got pictures of video that, man. Because it goes by so fast. And you'll look back at those pictures with a tear in your eye.

[A]

Oh, I know, I'm already doing it. I'm already like, there's a part of me that's like as psyched as I am to be a dad. There was a mild depression with her turning one right? Going like, she's not a baby anymore, man, she's a toddler.

[C]

Next year she turns 2. Her age doubled in a year. Yeah.

[A]

No, but I see why people keep having babies because you just want to keep hitting reset, right? Because it's so awesome. And I like talking in a positive way about it.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Because when my wife got pregnant, just so many people said all this negative shit like, oh, dude, you know, no more drinking.

[C]

It's over for you.

[A]

Yeah. No more getting hookers in black and big. No more going to Thailand and seeing.

[C]

What'S up over there.

[A]

Like all this degenerate. And I was just like, right, yeah.

[C]

This is way better than that though.

[A]

Yes. No, today we were over there and it was just like I was having the best time and I, you know, it was, yeah, it was like good clean fun. I was actually getting a little bit of exercise, right? Clean air. Yeah. She kind of took her first step in the park, which was cool. And so, yeah, so now we figured out what the motivation tactic was to get it going. Dude, I see. I'll tell you what's up though, is the amount that is the definition of organic in the deaf in the dictionary versus the definition of organic within the food industry.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Like they literally changed it like with law, what organic means. Because I know when, when we're giving her like poisonous, right? She's so excited to eat it. Like, what do you give her?

[C]

The real, the real organic?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. The shit that they're calling organic. But it's really got like this like, like they try to get you Addicted to it. Like cigarettes, Right? The same fucking thing. So we had these little puffs that said organic on them. And I just noticed that, like, we would have, like, really good food, and she would start pointing at the other ones like a lab rat. And then one time I went to reach. Just reach for the can, and she started, like, hopping up like, yeah, man, give me a hit.

[C]

So she needed her fix.

[A]

Yeah. So, yeah, we phased those out. I'm actually. That's not true. We have. We have one more can down, so we're going to wean her off. And then so, you know, she's a kid, so she doesn't see it. She's not going to be thinking of them. But that's the thing. That's. That can also drive you nuts is that type of shit. And then if you have any sort of friend with a kid in your life that is totally up on all these issues, and then they. It just. They just come to you. It's like a fucking. It's like this cloud of fear that they just dump on you.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Go to this website. You have to fucking.

[C]

But we have friends like that, or at least a couple, and they're fucking annoying. And it's like. And even though our kid likes their kid, we have to, like, cut them back a little bit. And like, my daughter's like, well, when is she coming over? I'm like, if the kid comes over, that's fine, but I can't have the parents come over here, too. Like, did you get your kids vaccinated?

[A]

How do you. How do you handle that? Because that's what I realize now is that you can have, like. You can be friends with people. Like a couple. You and your wife are friends with a couple, and then all of a sudden, and they have kids, but you don't have kids, so you're not dealing with them on that level. But then when you have a kid, the relationship changes. Now you. Not only do you guys have to, like, get along socially when you go out, you know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You both vibe. You got to kind of on. They got to be within your wheelhouse of how they raise their fucking kid. And if the kid comes over and he's a fan. Lunatic.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like biting the dog and like, going, what. What is this caveman? You got to kind of be like, I don't want my kid acting like that.

[C]

Right. No, we have. I'm not saying any names because I don't want to alienate any people that are. Might be listening to this, but we have one family who Has a kid that's just rude.

[A]

And, oh, yeah, you can't have it.

[C]

And I just. I cannot stand. But my. My kid wants this kid to come over, and we're always like, jesus Christ. So he lets this fucking kid come over. And then, like, maybe they changed over the last six months, and they come spend the night, and it's a fucking nightmare.

[A]

What.

[B]

What.

[A]

What are the rules if a kid comes over and he's rude? Like, what can you say now to a fucking kid?

[C]

Then I started just getting serious with him. I like, dude, go back to bed. Go back to bed. Stop fucking waking up every 10 minutes and calling for your mommy. And then when I say, all right, I'll call your mommy. No, no, don't call my mommy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, then, dude, what the fuck are you doing? I don't.

[A]

You say, no, no, no, Because I don't know how I'm not going to be. I mean, shut the up. You're being a.

[C]

Right. Stop being a little. No, just. I tell my wife. I'm like, dude, if he gets up one more time, I'm not talking to him. You got to talk to him, because I'm going to start getting mad.

[A]

Do you remember back in the day, like, if your friend's dad said anything you were. You were afraid of? Right? Yeah.

[C]

Hell, yeah. Go back to the room and go to bed like, oh, this serious.

[A]

That needs to come back.

[C]

I hate that they call me by my first name, Todd.

[A]

No, they don't.

[C]

Yes, they do. Todd.

[A]

I'm scared.

[C]

Can you call my mommy?

[A]

I'm old school, right? I'm old school. You can call me Mr. Burr.

[C]

Right?

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Look at him. You. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. What's to eat here?

[C]

Right? Right.

[A]

No, dude, I would literally be like, what the did you say to me, you little shit? I won't say that, but that's what I'll be thinking. So that, of course, as I say, please address me as Mr. Burr. The subtext he will hear is, what the fuck did you say to me, you little shit? And then he'll say to his mother, you mean, man, Right?

[C]

Yeah. This one little girl comes over to our house, and she was like, she'll come downstairs, like, sleeping all morning, and then come down in the kitchen where my wife and I are. My daughter's still asleep. And she'll come downstairs before everybody, and she'll be like, what's for breakfast? And my wife was like, well, you know, pancakes and sausage. She's like, yeah, I don't like that stuff. What else is there? And my wife just looks at me and is like, this is serious right now. Like, go the back upstairs.

[A]

Yeah. What the fuck? Oh, my. I would love to hear a kid now to say it to my mother.

[C]

Right?

[A]

My mother would just be, well, that's all there is, I guess. You know, I'll talk to you at lunch.

[C]

That's what my wife said. My wife says, I guess you'll just be hungry then, because that's what we're having, and if you. If you don't eat it, you're just gonna be hungry. It's amazing how, like, some of these kids are rude as shit in the. You say something to the parents like, yeah, she's a little crazy. She's a little thing.

[A]

Like, no, no, that's. That's like when people have a dog that's fucking nuts. Like, I did, but I. I quarantined the thing when people would come over. Except one time I got a little confident. I watched too many of the dog whispers. And then my friend ended up getting bit. Jay Law had got bit by my dog.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bit him on his calf, gave him a nip.

[C]

Yeah. That dog scared the little. Out of me. One time we were downstairs and she was in a cage.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I didn't know that she was in there. And I was, like, walking past, she was like. Like, went at the cage with the metal of the cage and scared the piss out of me.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God. If that cage was in there, I'll be shredded right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. She was an adorable hellhound. She loved the hell out of me and about six people and everybody else she treated as a intruder. And I would just, you know, it was the smartest, most painful decision I ever made. But I didn't understand that I was still gonna. Like, I saw her, you know, the last two days in a row she's in town, right? Yeah.

[C]

That's good that you keep it. Like, you kind of still take care of her in a way, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. And I get pictures of her all the time. And when. Like, once every two months, she'll come to town and I just take her for a hike every single day.

[C]

Is it like, does she remember you, like, the same way she did?

[A]

She does, she does. And if.

[B]

When I.

[A]

When I go out to where the guy lives, if I show up, she's kind of look. Because she's not used to seeing me there. You know, first they see the shape, then it's the smell, like the whole way the dog brain works or whatever.

[C]

Right?

[A]

And then, then, you know, then she's all back to normal and everything. But I gotta tell you, I was nervous meeting her because of the way she was. Because I knew at that point she had bonded with the new person and then might view me as like a threat. I mean, the dog was like, dude, that dog, My buddy said that they're Cleo. Yeah. Versi goes, dude, there should be a 30 for 30 on that dog. That dog's life, like how it was abandoned by the LA River. I mean, so many times this thing should have just been like, you know, like whenever the Olympics come around, they always have like those crazy stories that make you tear up all the. That they went through. Like you could do that on that dog. Yeah. And like as a pit bull being that big of a pain in the ass like that. Those things, if those things sneeze, they get put down. It's fucking terrible. But the fact that she's still like living this awesome life makes me feel good. And every time I see her like, you know, the dude who got him is my former trainer. So. And he just like, she has her first dog friend now. Every dog she tried to murder, now she's like friends with the dog. But like, they needed like his level talent. Like as he says jokingly, he said, yeah, I've been slow cooking her. She's not someone that you like. Okay, this is how it is. And then boom to that. It's just been this year long thing that she's now finally ready to just. And even when he started hanging, she started hanging out with another dog. There was this whole fucking process that he had to go through and totally keep an eye on my dog. Because my dog does this shit where like when she's going to attack, she's in the cage. She did that, but she was out in the open. She just made the decision. There was no growling, there was no warning. She just did it. She just. Yeah, she would just do it. Let me read, let me read some of the questions here. All right, Todd, by the way, you're gonna, you're gonna. I can already tell, dude, you're already wound up about this thing. You're gonna murder, dude, that. Thank you.

[C]

I'm excited about it. I really am.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I feel like this is like, you know, I've been doing this for so long and I'm at the age right now, like, if it doesn't fucking pop for me right now, it's not gonna fucking happen.

[A]

No, that's. That's the old. Dude, that's the old way of thinking. You're totally in control, right? I. I view this business like it's a giant mall, okay? And I have my little store in the mall. And you walk into my store, hey, how you doing? I tell jokes. I do a podcast, right? Got a cartoon. See anything you like? That's what I'm selling. If you don't like it, I get it.

[C]

Right?

[A]

See you later. But when I first got into this business, I would. You know, it's like you're walking around the mall, oh, my God, they're selling shirts. I gotta sell shirts, right? Oh, they. They got sneakers I gotta be doing. You try to, like, do everything with the Joneses, right? Yeah, that dude, just.

[C]

By the way, your cartoon is hilarious.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[C]

Frank Murphy and. And Vic are my two favorite guys.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you wait till the. You wait to see. You wait for the third season. We're. Oh, no, we're editing, like Fiends. It's going to be out later on this year. I'm not allowed to say exactly when. I don't have an exact date either. But, like, Netflix has, like, you know, they're like the geniuses of this new thing as they. They. I remember last, like, last time when I had a special coming out there, they wanted me to come in to meet with them to, like, talk about discussion, promoting it. And I'm thinking, like, what the are we going to discuss? Throw up a couple of billboards, I'll talk about my podcast.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

I went in there, right? There was like, Bill Belichick. I can't even. I can't even explain it. Like, I went in there going like, this is ridiculous. That this is just a idiot like me with a bunch of dick jokes. And then I just. I. I watched them breaking down how they were going about promoting it, right? Like, two people who are watching Netflix and their fucking algorithm and all of that shit judged by what you watched and all that shit not saying it's a perfect system, right? It blew my mind. Fucking blew my mind. No, listen to. There's a reason why they're global right now, and it's not from hanging out with me there. All right. Peach cobbler recipe. Hey, Billy Crust king. I like to bake, by the way.

[C]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

I made my dog.

[C]

You told me that before.

[A]

I made my daughter a birthday cake. I'm doing that every year of her life.

[C]

Are you doing the non GMO with the no gluten?

[A]

The non tasty frosting. Oh, no, there was a bunch of sugar and fucking nice. That's what I'm talking dead baby seals in it. That's a big politically incorrect cake. All right. Dear Billy Kresking, I am invited to a Super bowl party. By the way, you know the Patriots are in it again this year. Yeah. Do you realize if Tom Brady gets another ring.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Him and Bill Belichick will have more rings than every franchise in the NFL except for the Pittsburgh Steelers. They'll be tied.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Then their entire 50 years. Crazy 50 something years of every franchise trying to win one.

[C]

Brady doesn't lose, though. I'm just letting you know that right now.

[A]

Yeah, he does. He lost twice to the Giants. I think this is going to be.

[C]

Just give him the ring.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. That talk makes me nervous, dude. The Eagles. The Eagles got a horrific, horrifically terrifying running game.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And Nick Foles is not a backup quarterback. That is a starting quarterback who lost his job and he's coming back like a revenge movie. The defense looks. Looks great.

[C]

Right?

[A]

And I don't think we would have done to the Vikings what they did, so.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. I would say take the.

[C]

Just trying to be humble there to keep the gods happy.

[A]

Take the Eagles and the points. That's what. That's what I would do with my money. No, dude, Edelman's out. Gronk got a concussion. Amendola had the game of his life. Did you hear that song? The Amendola song? It's like that song Lola.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, dude, it's D O L A do now. They're playing Nick Foles in the Super Bowl.

[C]

That's funny.

[A]

In Minnesota. All right. Hey, Billy Kresking. I'm invited to a Super bowl party. Don't worry, just dudes. And nobody interested in commercials or halftime shows, thank God. And I am the designated dessert maker. You were talking about peach cobbler on a Monday morning podcast, but I can't quite remember if it was a recent one or an old one. Anyway, would you mind sharing your recipe with me? Because I want to have the real deal. I'm from Germany and can't figure out if the recipes I find here are any good. Hope to hear from you and go fuck yourself. I just googled and looked at pictures and then I found one that looked good.

[C]

Look delicious.

[A]

This is what I would say. I would say. I would say if the cinnamon, nutmeg, whatever they tell you to fucking put in, add more because it'll always be like an eighth of a teaspoon, a quart. They're gonna make it taste good, but they're not gonna make it taste great. So definitely be tasting your filling. And don't be afraid to get a little. A little heavy handed with some of the spices, especially the cinnamon sugar. A little bit of some butter in there and then I give it a little dusting before I close the pie up there.

[C]

Do you really?

[A]

Oh, yeah, you gotta. It's gotta be a big fucking delicious gooey mess. That's how I do it, dude. Everything's gonna be all fucking baking. I'm trying to get you. All right, political relationship advice.

[C]

Oh, God, here we go. All right, I want to hear this one.

[A]

I literally unfollow people on Twitter if all they do is talk politics.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Unless you're rational, you're kind of trashing both sides. But like, you know, if it's gonna be like, you know, so Trump just did this. It's just like, all right, tattletailing. Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, Trump one sided, dude. Conan o' Brien had the funniest fucking joke about Trump. They go, how do you handle the whole Trump situation? What's the hardest part about the Trump situation right now? He goes, it's. He goes, trying to write a joke that's more absurd than what's actually happening. I like how him Twitter like Trump on Twitter just is just considered normal now that like a president has the time. I don't even like people shit on me all the time. I don't even get back to him.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Watching the quote, leader of the free world.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Just so you know, that wasn't a stain on my tie. That was actually a presidential seal here. All right, political relationship advice. Hey, Billy Willy cunt cock. I don't know what that means. That's a, you know, one with a little bit of alliteration to pair. Love the podcast and of course the stand up. Thank you. You're the only comic that actually makes me bust out laughing. Wait till you see Todd special. So I'm a 21 year old guy and I've been seeing this girl now for about nine months. She's great, treats me good, loyal and is pretty. All of these relationship things, they always start off like a horror movie. Well, that was all Sunshine, everything. I'm 21, prime of my life, about.

[C]

To get dark as shit.

[A]

Everything's going great.

[B]

All right.

[A]

The main problem I have though is she is a big Democrat, big Democratic. His problem is she's a big Democratic and he's a super conservative. She's black, and I'm almost as white as you. Oh, God. This is like a fucking bad porno. She gets upset when I post political stuff on Facebook, like, pro. A pro video of Trump, but yet she posts all this stuff about kneeling for flags and Obama is all that. Yeah, dude, this relationship's not gonna fucking last.

[C]

It's doomed.

[A]

She wouldn't even talk to me when I wore a Trump shirt.

[C]

Oh, my.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, dude, like, this is. This is a guy who, like, sort of saw how the Nazis were baited into running over somebody with a car going, well, you know, there's hatred on both sides. Dude, I really wanted to side with you, but, you know, this is. This is like, astoundingly fucking. Like, I respect the fact that you like Trump and all of that shit. You want to wear his T shirts. But your confusion that she gets upset is a little fucking weird. It pisses me off, but I don't want to ruin the whole relationship over something as dumb as politics.

[C]

That's too late.

[A]

Since you are already in an interracial relationship and for and for a lot longer than me, period. What's your advice? Question mark? The lovely Mia. It's Nia with an N. Can tell me her two cents as well, even though she'll just side with the chick. Just kidding. Thanks. And as always, go fuck yourself. P.S. tom Brady's the greatest of all time. Sir, I gotta be honest with you. Like, if you don't understand why she is upset, you'd have to try to put yourself in her position and then read some of this shit in. Some of his opinions, I guess, would be the best way to do it. But, like, you're not just a conservative if you're, like, rocking the T shirt like, you're all in. You know what I mean?

[C]

Like, my Jewish girlfriend hates when I wear my swastika T shirt.

[A]

Do you think that's. It's that bad? I mean, he has. He hasn't run, like.

[C]

I mean, no. I mean, no, but I'm just saying.

[A]

Is he like a. Is he like a Trump? Is he like a Hitler light? What kind of booze would Hitler be?

[C]

What's that?

[A]

Hitler's got to be like moonshine. So where's Trump Jaeger? He's a Jaeger bumper.

[C]

He's like a shitty bourbon gold schlager. Yeah, he's like aluminum flakes instead of gold flakes.

[A]

Yeah. Johnny Walker Red. And there's. There's no. Yeah, there's no whatever soft Drink to fucking mix with it. What's the worst. When you were broke is what's the worst beer you ever had? Yeah. College Age.

[C]

Milwaukee's Best Milwaukee or Natty Bow. National Bohemian was pretty damn bad.

[A]

Oh, you know what I always hated was Bush Light.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Bush Light was like. Bush itself was just. Yeah, that was just like. Yeah, it was like water. And then they watered. That town. We used to. We used to. I never. You know something? I never got into Pabst Blue Ribbon because I resented the hipsters that were drinking them because it used to be this blue collar beer that all these fucking townies drank. And then all these hipster people were wearing their flannel shirts. Well, you know, those shirts for a while where they were wearing, like, the gas station shirt that had somebody else's name on it, where they actually had to do the fucking job and they found it in some thrift shop. Like, my fantasy was that they ran into the guy who owned the shirt and they just walked up like, yeah. Hey, I'm Jim. You know, oh. Oh, I just needed a shirt. And then he gets the. Kicked out of him. But most of my fantasies are violent. My advice is to, I don't know, get a bunch of empathy. I don't know. I don't. I don't see this thing working. I just don't see it working. That's gonna be like. Because you guys are so. If you're that far away from each other, you're not gonna get married and have kids.

[C]

No.

[A]

Yeah, that's like.

[C]

Yeah, you'll be fighting over them politically, too. Like, so what, they're gonna be Democrats or conservatives when they grow up.

[B]

Right.

[C]

That's a whole nother can of worms.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So enjoy banging her and while she lets you. While she lets you. And then I would fucking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would just be like, yeah. But he's also 21.

[B]

He doesn't know.

[A]

He generally seems like he doesn't understand. Unless that was just. You know, sometimes people just lie and they're writing crazy shit. All right. Girlfriend drinks too much. Dear Bill, I was hoping you could help me out with the problem I've been having. I've been living with my girlfriend for almost a year now. We were in our mid to late twenties. Just for some background. Everything's going great except for one thing. We worked regular nine to five type jobs, which means most of the fun we have is on the weekend. And like most people, we tend to lube up on the liquor while we're out and about or even just Staying in. Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with drinking. My girlfriend doesn't know her limits. Often she will drink way too much too early and end up passing out or throwing up. Though commonly both will occur.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. She doesn't know how to drink. You got to pace yourself out there. Few examples. She will insist on watching a movie. After we've had a few drinks, we finally decide we'll put it on, and then after 15 minutes, she passes out. Then I'll have to stop because of course I can't watch it without her. Yeah, well, teach her a lesson. Watch the whole movie and be like, you missed a great one and in the end, the butler did it. So lay off the booze, because I'm gonna start fucking doing that to you. Number two. We went to a hockey game a few weeks ago, and when we got to the arena, she ordered me a beer and herself two double gin and tonics.

[C]

Oh, my God. Yeah, she has a problem.

[A]

We had already had a couple before arriving. She then proceeded to down both of them in 10 minutes before the puck drop and passed out soon after. At a hockey game.

[C]

Oh, my God, That's a fucking problem.

[A]

I had to drag her up to stand for the anthem. And again when they were honoring the troops. This is fucking. This is like a Kristen Wiig character. She then left for the washroom. That's one of my favorite scenes, though, when she gets fucking wasted on the plane in Bridesmaids.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And she just go when she goes, motherfuckers. When she's walking out. She then left for the washroom, but came back with two more double gins, a hot dog, and a bag of popcorn, which she spilled. Spilled and blamed it on me.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Sounds like an episode of Intervention. Even if I did do it, the first thing you're going to do is snitch on me. All right, that just took a left turn. Get the fuck out of here. We're supposed to be a team. But I digress. Sorry for the rant last weekend. My God, these are all like bullet pointed, by the way. In the Uber ride home, she proceeded to whip out her tit to try and seduce me. I told her to put it away because she was in no condition and I didn't want to up my Uber rating passes out. Wait, what? The passenger gets an Uber rating?

[C]

Oh, yeah, the passengers get Uber ratings, too. From the drivers that might actually boosted his rating if the driver would have looked back and saw a sloppy titty hanging.

[A]

With gin and tonic on it. Anyway, they don't fuck up my Uber ain't. She passes out 30 seconds later and pukes in the elevator on the way up to the apartment. It didn't make it a lot. It didn't make a lot of a mess as she was able to hold it back before I got her to the toilet.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

This guy's just okay. The piece de resistance. She passed out during the Bill Burr show at the Sony Center. How do you pass out for that great man who just came here to entertain us? Just a brief face. I had an allergic reaction that morning, was toast. Had a little bit of weed before the show, and I was able to be fully alert. But yet you are the one that's falling asleep. Jesus Christ. This is like the fucking War and Peace. This is like barfly saying all this. However, I have to admit that I'm no saint either. I arguably drank much more than I drink much more than she does, but I hold my boobs a little better than she does. I probably made her sound worse than she actually is. Are you gonna take it all away now?

[C]

Right, don't backpedal now. You already made her look like a drunken mess.

[A]

Yeah, but in truth, she's a wonderful girlfriend who cooks with for me, cleans for me. It's very beautiful. Well, and fucking live happily ever after, which is not three sheets. She's not puking on the sheets, and as you can tell, is willing to come to a hockey game with me. And yes, she did buy me Bill Burr tickets for my birthday. She's a truly amazing person, and I plan to marry her someday, but this is just getting out of hand and I want my weekends back. Can you do me a favor and turn that light on? My fucking eyes are shot here. The sun's going down here. I'm not trying to have a romantic podcast with you. Let's see here. I've had conversations with her before, and when she she's sober, she gets it, but it doesn't stop her when she's drunk. And she will get angry at me when I tell her she's had enough. And I can't stop her from sneaking off to get secret drinks with my money. She feels bad. And I honestly feel guilty writing this to you. And she is truly amazing. I feel like he wrote the first half and then she walked into the room and is looking over his shoulder. But it's tough. Not only for me, but I know this is not easy on her. But sometimes her body, sometimes as well. I just want her to be all Right. And for us to be able to have a good, healthy time. I'm not quite sure what to do here. Am I right to tell her that she's got to take it easy, particularly when we go out, because it seems to be working. Do I have to set a better example and drink less, if at all? Yeah. I mean, if she's a fucking booze hound, maybe. Maybe you both. Maybe you both try to drink a little bit less. She might be one of those people, you know, where once she has a kid, she'll just fucking knock all that shit off or.

[C]

Oh, God, I could just drive her over the edge completely where she just stays hammered all the time.

[A]

Yeah, you'll have a drunken baby, you know, coming out.

[C]

Fucking stop emailing him, Bill Burr, and start emailing Drew Pinsky.

[A]

Kid comes out dressed like Foster Brooks to do a. I love Foster Brooks.

[C]

The simulated drunk comedian dude. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Hilarious. And he. And he never really drank. I am Foster Brooks. He had it down to, like, reference, dude. That's back when, like, being an alcoholic was, like, funny, Right? This is how much I have to be careful, though, is talking about all that drinking made me want to drink.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Like, I love it. I fucking. I hate how it makes me feel, though, now. So I kind of. I just lay off.

[C]

Craig Robinson didn't drink for a year. And then we just had drinks in Arizona this past weekend. We felt like trash both mornings that we drank.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And so he was like, yeah, I thought I was back after taking a year off. I thought I was back, but I'm good on drinking. I think I was like, yeah, man, I don't feel good either. I had a headache every day that I woke up.

[A]

It's an age thing. Like, it's really. It's a young person thing. Like, it, it, it, like.

[C]

But we had fun. We were down to, like, when we were doing those shows, those theater shows, and we would go to, like, the cigar bars.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Have a drink with cigars.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, I. I still, like. I think what I. My drinking maybe will be is, like, this year when I go on the road, I think, like, if I go up for three days, like that middle day.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Not the first night because I traveled and not the. Not, you know, the night before I have to go to the airport, but just that middle one and finding a good place. I don't know that that might be the. That might be the way. Oh, dude. You know what I went to last night? Oh, my God. I went to this. This 80s. Like, all these bands, this crazy lineup.

[C]

Was it the real band? Was a tribute band?

[A]

No, it was like, dude, it was. What was it like? Drama Rama.

[B]

Remember them?

[C]

Holy, I think.

[A]

I can't remember the song. Is it Flock of Seagulls? The Romantics.

[C]

They were all really there.

[A]

Tone Loke. Oh, my God, The Violent Femmes, Melly Mel, then the Furious 5. Five and boy George closed. No way, dude. It was. It was.

[C]

What was this?

[A]

This was at the Microsoft Theater, which used to be the Nokia. Me and Nia went down there and it was awesome. But I learned a lot about show business watching those. You could tell, like, who was sick of singing their hits, right? And it was also like this. I'm bringing it. And then I also learned, you know, watching, you know, you got to take care of yourself.

[C]

I have a story about that.

[A]

Because I swear to God, dude, if you see a band that let themselves go, it's like, depressing. Like yours, because you love them and they look like. And then all you're thinking is like, oh, my God, I'm. Oh, I'm 20 years older than he was when he put. Put that song out. Oh, we're all gonna die. But when you just see a band come out and they kept themselves in shape and they're killing it as much as they're older, it's. It's like, like, I'm not gonna name names, but I. I saw one band that made me think, like, dude, I'm never drinking again. And then I. When I saw the Violent Femmes.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, dude, they just came out and were just a tight, sick ass band. Like, I watched them. I was like, man, I want to go play drums. I want to practice. I want to get better. Like, there was nothing, like, negative about watching them. They just came out and they. They went on after Melly. Mel and Furious Five. Who fucking killed, right? And you couldn't be more of a different band. Like, literally the stage would just turn.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's badass. They did that, the iHeartRadio music festival thing. They have, like, the bandwidth. The stage of rotate 180.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then they'd have the band and then they'd do the set dressing behind, and then it would keep turning.

[A]

Dude, I. I loved it. I loved it. They got, like, down in Anaheim, they had it and, like, salt and pepper was on it and a couple other people too, was nuts. It was. You just knocked out, like, 10 of the bands that I should have seen back then, right? And, you know, they all sounded great. There was just. I'LL tell you off. It was just one person that I looked at and it was just like, my God. But he was still singing. Great. But it's just like, dude, right?

[C]

See, we saw a cameo like six months ago down, I can't remember, but it's like by the water somewhere here in la. And Roger Troutman, I remember Roger Blackman. What's that?

[A]

Yeah, what songs does he sing?

[C]

She's on a brick.

[A]

Oh, yeah. House. Okay.

[C]

Although, dude, he came, you know, because he used to come out in like leather channel chaps in a cup, you know.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it was the seventies.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Coke spoon around his neck.

[C]

Dude, he's still doing this. Like he, he came out with the belly, you know, like, oh, no, bad hips and knees. And he's still wearing a cup. But he was like, his leather pants in the back look like a diaper. And, and he would come out and he just like do this little like trying to be sexy and swivel his hips and my wife is dying laughing. She was like, he needs to stop.

[A]

Yes, stop.

[C]

Stop doing that.

[A]

That. No, but even, even when, even when you keep yourself in shape.

[C]

Yeah, he was not in shape. He was.

[A]

You have. But you, you can't do that. Sexy and that. I'm telling you, that is a self involved baby boomer thing that is being passed down. Like, dude, Madonna is an unbelievable shape for her age. But when she starts twerking, it's just like, mom, what are you doing?

[C]

Right?

[B]

You can't.

[A]

Yeah. And then it's like the older guy, what you got to do is you got to like. I talked to Derosa about this, you know, you got to dress like Dana White, right, When you get older, right? Like, Dana White is roughly my age. Dana White, you know, he wears a suit, he wears the collared shirt, doesn't have the tie, so he's a little bit relaxed. But he's dressed like, he doesn't look like a creep, you know what I mean? But if he was to show up.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

I'm not just putting it on him. Just saying that, that fucking look just. You take a guy the same age, my fucking age, and you're going to try to fucking pull off like a tank top. Like even like when you watch these, these, those P90X things, right?

[C]

The old guys that are working the.

[A]

58 year old guys with the abs, it's like, dude, amazing, put your fucking shirt on. Because there's nothing they can do for the loss of elasticity in your fucking skin, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're decomposing in front of me. Should be sitting in a giant fruit bowl.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

Little, little fruit flies flying around you. So I learned a lot. Like I watched those bands and it was the people that were comfortable with their age and kept themselves in shape and came out and were having a good time.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

It was just like, oh man, this is great. You would like, you just were really excited. But if they came out like, you know, they'd, they're still partying like, you know, Keith Richards back in the day. And then they're coming and you're gonna still wear like leather and.

[C]

Right. HD Net had this concert series a couple years ago and they would show these commercials for the, for the concert series and they would show, they showed Steppenwolf, right?

[A]

You, you don't know what you can find. Gotta come with me, little girl. And then that middle section that goes on for ever. Remember used to work in a warehouse, that whole. The psychedelic part.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Goes on for. Sorry I interrupted your story.

[C]

That's all right. But they would show like them playing concerts back in like the 70s, and it'll be jam packed arena and people going crazy in the crowd. And then they show them now like it was smash cut from then to now. And now they're playing on like an outdoor stage and the entire audience of only about 300 people are sitting on this lawn in like lawn chairs.

[A]

And I'm like, I know because we're old too.

[C]

Yeah. All the people that loved it back then are old now too. So that's like watching people perform at like Shady Acres Retirement Community.

[A]

I know, but those guys are like 70.

[C]

I know, it's fucking.

[A]

I'm sure, sure the guy, the band still sounds great and everything, but it's.

[C]

Got to be weird having fun or they're just like, we still have to make money.

[B]

I'm like, yeah, well.

[A]

And a lot of those guys, they got, they got so stolen from and just completely ripped off. And then you add that if somebody got divorced and shit. Yeah, you're gonna be singing that song. I just realized I crossed my legs wearing slippers in front of you. I'm sorry.

[C]

Those are great slippers.

[A]

They are great slippers. No, I finally bought some new socks and I just want to, I want to try to keep them white for a while.

[C]

Is that a thing for you? That's why I wear black socks.

[B]

Oh, that.

[A]

Well, I, I can't wear black socks if I have on like dark sneakers though.

[C]

Why not?

[A]

I mean, I can't wear White socks with dark sneakers. No, if. I'm sorry. If I have white sneakers, I need white socks.

[C]

Really? Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

[A]

I have mostly white sneakers. No offense.

[B]

No.

[A]

But I think a lot of those guys that. That's what ends up happening. So I think the way to do it is, and I haven't figured out how to get into the game yet, is you get to a certain point when you're at the height of your. Your earning power. I think you should already be planning your graceful exit from this business because it's so brutal. So I think rather than going out and buying flashy hovercraft and all the dumb that, that artists buy, start buying rent rental units.

[C]

Helicopter. There's.

[A]

I'm not buying a helicopter. I'd love to, but I. I can't. I can't justify, like maintaining it too.

[C]

Pain in the ass.

[A]

I got a kid now, man. I can't smash cut. You know what's cool is I'm doing Irvine.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

On Tuesday and Wednesday.

[C]

You know, that's like, down there.

[A]

You know, it's like two hours of traffic. Oh, dude. Yeah, I'm renting a little 22.

[C]

Shut the hell.

[A]

I'm going right over it. Like 22.

[C]

Oh, my God, that's awesome.

[A]

It is awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God, dude.

[A]

The five. I did my time. I did my. I'm not doing yet. Another comedian talking about how horrific the traffic was during the first 10 minutes. How about I go up there and be the comic who's in a good mood.

[C]

Right?

[A]

That's what people are coming out for.

[C]

10 minute helicopter ride. Oh, yeah, that's fantastic.

[A]

Oh, right. Up and over it. And this is the thing.

[C]

Wait, it was land, like in the parking structure.

[A]

I'm gonna land right on the roof of the improv. No, we're trying to find. You got to call up. It's interesting. Like I'm. Every time you fly, you learn something. So I'm learning this time is like they'll have this, all these helipads. So you can even go beyond the airports. Because I was thinking like, John Wayne is close by, but then there's another one that's even closer. But then there's like these helipads on top of buildings and all, just all around. But you have to. You just have to call them and tell them.

[C]

Are you gonna fly down a solo?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I, I don't have confidence to fly at night. I fly solo during the day, but at night it's just a whole different ball game. And I'LL never forget one night doing a night flight. I was with an instructor. And how you transition the airspace at LAX is either you fly under. You're not underneath it, but you. You're along the coastline flying like 100ft off the water, which is awesome and scary as shit, right? And. Or you fly over Sepulveda over, like those glow stick things at like, you know, I think it's like 2000. I've only done it once, like 2000ft or above. So at night we flew over. Over the Sepulveda one. And you know, it's fucking freaky because there's all these jets coming in that if you're at the same altitude. Altitude with T Bone you. So we're flying. I go, yeah, man. I go, look how big that airport. That's crazy. And how big these planes are landed here. And he just goes, yeah, there's one right there. And it was like almost underneath us, but. Because when you're looking down and there's not a lot of street lights and there's just the lights from the city, I didn't see like a fucking, you know, 740, not 747, whatever the fuck they fly now. I don't know what the numbers are anymore. Was like going right underneath us. And I was just like, wow.

[C]

You didn't see that?

[A]

No. But he did, right. This is when I was getting my license, so I didn't know how to. To look for shit and everything. So night flying is an entirely, entirely different game. So I'll be flying down with one of my instructors.

[B]

So.

[A]

But if it was. If it was like the. If it was the fucking summertime, though. But every time, every time it's gonna. By the end of the show, it's gonna be dark out. But that is a goal of mine, right? Was I would love to fly solo.

[C]

Now, let me ask you this. How much does it cost? It would cost you to do that to fly down because you have to, like, rent the vehicle.

[A]

And It's. It's like 300 bucks. I mean, it's a. It's a decent amount of money. But it's also like, that's not that bad, though.

[C]

Yeah, it's not like it's going to cost me eight grand, but.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that. It's like 300 bucks. And then. And it's fun. And then I get another. Like, I'll get like another. I'm going to get another two hours under my belt flying at night and I Got this killer fucking instructor right now. My auto rotations are the best they've ever been.

[B]

When they.

[A]

Basically. So we'll fly around now and he just sort of like. He'll just out of nowhere go, you know, engine failure and then you just have to pick a fucking spot and, you know, you just. I mean, we don't take it all the way down to the ground and I land on somebody's fucking front yard. But I have learned so much. I always had great instructors. But this guy that I have now is. Has really got my confidence back up again, where for me to go solo and everything would be, you know, I would have the confidence to do it. But I like. But what's good is I. I'm super fucking cautious. I'm not one of those people, you know, with the fucking 90210 look on my face, you know, show up with like a fucking scarf. No, but there's a lot of people that get. They get their. They get their license, and once they get their license, they stop their training and because they got it well, because they know how to fly. And then, you know, and then they just. They just start flying around.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So did you fly your parents?

[A]

Yeah, then when they came out here and visited. But I also did that with, like, an instructor. And that was.

[C]

Were they impressed, your parents?

[A]

Blown away that they definitely. They had a good time. They're very conservative people. So, you know, sometimes you don't necessarily know right, what they're thinking.

[C]

They weren't going to speak crazy.

[A]

They weren't going crazy. They were just like. That was nice. That was very, very enjoyable.

[C]

It was exhilarating.

[A]

My heart is beating out of my chest right now. No, my. My dad had a pilot's license. Has a pilot's license because once you get it. So, like, he. No, he had fixed wings, so he knew a lot of the. That was going on. So, you know. But my mother thought it was awesome. She loved it and wasn't scared at all. My dad, I think because he had a license, understood that probably more the danger of it and that type of shit. So he probably thought it was a little squirrely when we were 100ft off the fucking water, flying underneath, you know, the jets or whatever. But I tell you, it's one of the great things that I've done in my fucking adult life. And I don't know. But we're not here to talk about me. We're here to talk about you. We've already done an hour and 15 minutes. Just like that. Hey, can I. Can I come down the night of your taping?

[C]

Dude, I would want nothing more than to come down there.

[A]

All right, well, some people, you know, like me, I'd be like, no, I don't want anybody there. Nobody I fucking know. So it's just one more thing for me to think about.

[C]

We're gonna do, like, you know, I'm gonna. Come on. I'm gonna be brought from off stage. I have another comedian opening for me, a guy named Frankie Quinones who does the Cholo Fit videos, and he usually tours the Craig and I. And so I'm gonna have someone bring me on stage from offstage. You got that voice there.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I'll definitely do it. I'll definitely do it. Yeah. I mean, just double check my schedule. I'm 99% sure I'm in town.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Okay. February 11th.

[A]

February 11th, Sunday.

[B]

Yeah. What do I got?

[A]

I got Reno, I got Santa Barbara, and then I guess I got the Patrice o' Neill benefit towards the end of the month.

[C]

Oh, man. That's right. I met Patrice's mom and sister with you. That was. That was amazing. Oh, yeah, that was great.

[A]

They're the best. They're the best. Hey, so I'll. I'll tell you this. When you do sound check. Yeah, just make sure. Speaking of Patrice, because I remember one time he did some taping, and the sound wasn't right. And when it came time for him to do his taping, you know, they thought he was a pain in the ass, but he was like, this sound isn't right. And he was like, I want to be the loudest thing in the room, so make sure your monitors. So, you know, you got to just make sure that is right.

[C]

Right?

[A]

That's fucking right. Then it's like, yeah, your lightsaber is totally on.

[B]

And you.

[A]

You know. You know that deal if you get up there and you can't fucking hear yourself. And God knows, when you go to tape, there's always somebody who. Something like that. Oh, I thought it'd be good to just have the sound way down, you know, Just make sure all of that shit's right, and then just go up there and kill it.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's the plan.

[A]

I've never seen you so nervous. Nervous?

[C]

Dude, I'm not nervous. I'm just like. I'm anxious, and I know you are.

[A]

Wouldn't it be great?

[C]

I'm a little nervous.

[A]

If you were doing it tonight.

[B]

I could tell.

[A]

This whole podcast.

[C]

Yeah. Well, also, I don't want to be loud because I know your daughter's leaving.

[A]

Oh, okay. I know, dude, but.

[C]

And I'm tired and a little bit hungover.

[A]

Other than that.

[C]

But other than that.

[B]

And a little bit.

[A]

Yeah, I always want, like this. Whenever I have one of those coming up, I just feel like just. Can you just bring me up now in my slippers?

[C]

Right.

[A]

So I just go out there and just. That.

[C]

Just do it.

[A]

The waiting.

[C]

Worst part, right?

[A]

That's the worst. All right, well, that's the podcast. Dude. I'm so psyched.

[C]

I'm so.

[A]

And I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to see it. And I can't wait to promote the hell out of it. And I can't wait to see you finally getting your name out there and everybody knowing how hilarious you are. I need this more than anything in.

[C]

The world right now.

[A]

You got four kids. They're going to be in college at some point, right? You're going to need.

[C]

This one's already out of college, so.

[A]

I know. Yeah, you got a nice spread there, right?

[C]

Yeah. 24 to 7.

[A]

Yeah, 24 to 7.

[C]

There you go. 247 there.

[B]

All right, man.

[A]

Todd, Rex, everybody. Once again, if you're just walking into the room. Yeah. The satellite LA.com for tickets, I'll definitely be tweeting this out.

[C]

Appreciate it.

[A]

February 11th. It's a Sunday, 7:30 and 9:30 in Silver Lake, Los Angeles. Ang, it's the weekend after the super bowl, so you know you're gonna be all depressed that football is over for another six months. Come on out and see one of the best comics I know. All right. That's the podcast. Go yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Oh, geez. It. Sam.