← Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
01:35:37
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Yeah, yeah, what's going on? How are you? Hope you're having a good week. Hope everything's going good your way and whatnot. I have an exciting announcement. The 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit will be Sunday, May 18, as always, at the New York City center, which is 131 West 55th street, between 6th and 7th Avenue, New York City. Doors open at 7pm show starts at 7:30pm the lineup is Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, D.C. benny, Tim Dillon. I hope I say this name right. Nemes Patel. Sean Pat. So funny. That's a. That's a big last name in Glengarry. Glen Ross. Patel, Sean Patton. Rich Voss, as always, will be hosting it. I'm going to do a little time in there and we might have a special guest drop in. I'm working on that right now. You never know. Tickets go on sale today at 12pm Eastern Time. All tickets are 75 bucks. Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org Patrice2025 or by one more time. That's www.nycitycenter.org patrice2025 Patrice is P A T R I C E or by calling the box office at 212-581-1212. All of this info will be posted on my social handles and on my website. Shout out and thank you as always to the captain of the ship, the producer, the booker, everybody, all the minutia of it is Maureen Taran. And that's it. It's, as always, it's my favorite thing. Every year I. It's like a. I don't know, it's like a high school reunion. I get to see all these comics I never get to work with now because I live in la. And then I also get to see young up and coming comedians that were influenced by Patrisse's body of work. So there you go. That's that. Oh, here's something I forgot to bring up on the Monday morning podcast. You know, my whole life they've always wondered why hockey wasn't popular. How come it was always a distant fourth. You know, I can't see the pug. It doesn't translate on tv. I love the fucking saying that, but they got women's lacrosse with that cameraman. How about you zoom in once every fucking while? My eyes are fucking too old to watch that. Sport. But anyway, the thing about it is, is not only is it like more of a rogue sport, they've made just one fucking bonehead move after another. And even when they go to do something great, it doesn't make any sense. Like, I remember back in the day, they were on ESPN, which was great for the league in the 80s, and then the USA Network came along and offered him an a hundred bucks more. And they said, fuck espn and they went to usa. They've always been doing shit like that, right? The brawling got out of control in the 70s. They always been doing stuff to shoot themselves in the foot. They fucking took teams out of Canada and brought them down to like fucking Florida and Phoenix and all this dumb shit. And then they start getting going, they start doing smart. They Nashville. Who knew? Boom, huge city. Vegas. Boom, huge city. Seattle. Who knew, right? All of a sudden, okay, they got some momentum. They got some momentum and then they got this fucking world championship. Can somebody explain to me how Canada is the champion? It doesn't make any. Like, why do they do everything so fucked up in hockey? Right down, they don't have quarters, they have periods, they have two breaks, which I understand if you ever played you fucking exhausted sprint in the whole goddamn game. But like, we beat Canada a couple of Saturdays ago, all right, with Connor McDavid all the way to fucking Sidney Crosby. Unbelievable team. We beat him. Great game. Three fights in the first minute. Like old school hockey and then just great hockey, right? So we beat him to advance to the final, all right? So then Canada's got to play. Play their way in. I don't know who the fuck they played. They played like fucking Iceland or some shit. They win, and now they're in the final with the American team. So now America is in a situation. USA has to go two and oh. Against Canada or else we're the Lou. If we go one and one, we lose. If Canada wins, they're one in one against us, but they're the champion. Who was going to beat that Canada team twice? You weren't going to beat the USA twice. It was. Fuck. It's the dumbest. And the Russians weren't involved. They weren't invited the whole fuck I came. If I brought this up. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how you go one in one and you're the better fucking team. So all you up in Canada, you know when you chant and we're number one, why don't you chant we're one and one where one. It's the dumbest Fucking tournament I've ever seen. Like, how does that work? I. I get tournaments where it's just, you know, sudden death. You lose, you're out. I've never seen one where you fucking lose. You can play your way back in, and then the other teams, they got to beat you twice, but you can have a 500 record. And then you're the better team. I mean, I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know. But congratulations, Canada, your number one and one. I still love the sport, but it, I. That's the one I'm just. I knew all Saturday, I go, there's no fucking way. But we almost beat him too. We almost beat him again. Took him all the way to overtime. And I was like, there's no fucking way. You're not gonna beat this team two times in a row any more than gonna beat us two times in a row. So what was the move? Lose, lose first and then play fucking, you know, Luxembourg and then fucking get into the final and Russia's nowhere there. And then, then we were one in one. And then we're the champions. Canada beat the United States to win the world championship. They won the series one game to one, clearly demonstrating that they are without a doubt the best fucking one in one team you're ever gonna see. It's fucking stupid. The whole thing was fucking stupid. Makes no sense. And why would you rob hockey fans of having another game? Right? You got another game, and then we get to see. Okay, all right. Best two out of three. I like that. Nice and quick. You know, these fucking. All these other leagues with their fucking 58 rounds of seven game series, including the NHL. Jesus fucking Christ, how long you gonna drag it out? How many fucking cars do you got to sell while we watch this shit? Anyway, Just another thing that makes me love and just completely confused as to how hockey does their math. And it's not a metric system thing because I watch sports around the world. I've traveled, I've seen him. Nothing makes less sense than the way the nh NHL does their shit. It just fucking does it. Well, I guess it was the NHL, whatever. The hockey, the sport of hockey, it's just a bizarre. It's a fucking bizarre. It's a great game. It's a beautiful goddamn game. But I swear to God, you make sense of it. You're a better man than me. Anyway, exciting news here we're in our last week, you know, at the rehearsal space, which has been going great with dialing it in, and pretty soon we're gonna be over at the theater working things out, and next thing you know, we're gonna be in for premier premieres and preview. Sorry. And then we have opening night. Buddy of mine, he corrected me on all my terminology. Opening night. Then there's, at the end, there's a curtain call. I'm gonna get. I'm get all this terminology down because I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about. So anyway, I'm getting. Getting pretty goddamn excited about that. And yeah, I guess that's, that's really all I have going on in my life. I've been running around, doing spots. I went up to the west side, the Upper west side comedy club. Great room. Went out there on new jokes night, new material night. You just go up and kind of riff on. On whatever you want to talk about, which was really fun, man. It was a nice, perfect sized crowd. Went up there, fucked around, man. Did a little bit of this, little bit of that. Added to some shit. I mean, it wasn't all brand new material, but I was able to expound on it. Is that a word? Is it? I have no idea. So it's going good. So all I got to do now, I got about, like four or five lines left that I have to get word perfect. And then I am, I'm off and running here. But we've been having a great time. I've never gotten to work on anything this long other than editing a movie. But even then, it's like the performances are already done. You know, I never, you know, everything I've done in this business, you know, becoming a comedian. You want to be a comedian? All right, go up and do it. Five minutes. Go on. Come back next week, whatever. Write some shit, all right? And go, no rehearsal and perform it and eat your balls and come back again, right? And even, like, if, I know you get auditions for shit, you have like a day or two maybe, if you're lucky, right? You go in your audition, you hope you do, you know, you knock it out of the park, then you get the part and you show up. They rewrote a few things, they added something, they took something out, and action, go. This. Having a whole almost four weeks to work on this stuff. I really understand why so many actors, you know, love doing theater and anything. I'm having the best time doing this stuff. So hopefully you guys can come out and check it out and hopefully you like it. Yeah, I don't know. That's basically it. So I've been hanging with my family here all Week, which has been amazing. And just hanging out, just doing whatever, not doing anything, wrestling and all of that, playing all the games, reading all the books and everything. My lovely wife, seeing her, that's been fantastic. So I'm going to be doing this one week a month, seeing the family and everything. And the FaceTime has really been a. Has really been a savior. But other than that, I have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world. All I know is every day somebody calls me up and says this fucking, you know, they get rid of this now, they get rid of that. I mean, it's nice to see some politicians actually, you know, stepping outside their party and just fucking finally saying, like, what are you billionaire cunts talking about? The fuck are you guys don't even pay taxes. Like, how much you're going to. You're going to take away from the little guy. I kind of feel like a lot of us are like institution. Like when if you're in prison too long, you don't know how to survive outside of prison. I feel like a lot of us are like fucking institutionalized into believing that there's this, this party and that party and everything would be great if they just. You just did what my party wanted rather than being like, no, there's a lot of fucking corrupt, fucked up people in both parties serving these fucking super fucking rich assholes who evidently just cannot have enough fucking money. I don't understand, like, it's got to be like, I don't know, like their, their quest for power. You ever see somebody who just can't stop getting tattoos? They get like addicted to them and next thing you know, it's like they're drowning in them and it starts creeping up their neck and then they're getting them on their face, they tattoo their whole head and then they just run out. I kind of feel like they're like that. It's just like, dude, like, what kind of a has a billion dollars and is still going to work? Like, what the. What do you do with. If I had a fucking billion dollars? Like, you could literally go to a town and help everybody out. You could go to a state and just be like, you know, I want to be the best ever. The best. As they say, use a good shit. That's a Massachusetts. I want to be the best fucking guy ever. You just go and you just rescue a state. Like, I feel like that the Tesla guy, like, if he really just wanted that dopamine of like feeling like a God, just take your money and go to West Virginia. God knows those people need the help. It's one of the most exploited fucking states in the universe, right? In the country, I mean, right? Go there, fix the fucking schools, turn the fucking place around and live there. It's beautiful. Turn the whole fucking thing around, then name the state after you. You're not going to do better than that. You're not going to do better than me. They don't. They'd rather just keep it for themselves. Like, what do they want everybody to be peeking over their fence being like, oh, wow, it's got to be amazing to be you, man. I know I say this all the time, but, you know, you got to look at that guy and realize that God created that guy. You know, that's. And that's the thing that I don't believe in the afterlife. That God is an angry God. I just don't. If, if, if you believe in God, I just. There's no way you can make a man that's named Elon, right? Elon. Whatever his name is. You can't make a guy named Elon and he ends up being this big of a douche. He already has a douchey first name. He can. Then he's going to be that big a douche and cause this amount of fucking suffering just for the fucking hell of it. And you created the guy. And then you're going to get mad at me, what, because I called somebody a content traffic? You know, can you imagine I'm the balls to say that when you're getting judged by God and he starts giving you a rough time and be like, hey, God, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to step on your, your, your creative toes here, but I think you got bigger fresh fish to fry, don't you? You know, I think maybe you have some things that you, you know, maybe you should answer to, like why you've created all these megalomaniacs throughout. Why do you create sociopaths? Why do you create narcissists? Why do you create serial killers? Why do you create these fucking people? Child molesters? Why do you create these fucking people? What's wrong with you? What, what did I do exactly? How many years did I cheat on my taxes? Well, what are we talking? What, what exactly I did versus what you did, by the way. You made me. So I'm your fuck up, right? You know, this is another one of your mistakes. I don't think you get that far in the discussion. Oh, my God, what if God's a narcissist? He Just blames you for everything. Well, they kind of do that, right? He was definitely an absentee father, huh? I don't know. Just a lot of it. I don't know. A little bit. A little bit doesn't add up there. Anyway, so I went for a walk last night when I walked up to the, the Upper west side Comedy Club. Great fucking place. Amazing restaurant above it. Right around the corner from the Beacon Theater. And because I'm going to be here for so long and I have this gig and I have Sunday nights off, I'm kind of thinking like, you know, there's a whole bunch of shit that I've never seen in New York. Like, I've never gone to a show at the Beacon Theater. I've done shows there, but I've never sat in the crowd. So I'm gonna try to find a good show to go there. I've never, I've done a show a long time ago. Something for Dennis Leary, I want to say. I can't remember what it was. It was at Lincoln Center. Never been in the crowd. I kind of got that because I, I went to that SNL band thing and I got to sit in the crowd at Radio City Music hall. And I was just like, this is amazing. You know, Sit down. I just watch all of this talent go up there and destroy. This is fun. I used to do this before I became a whore and became one of the idiots up there, you know, I used to go to shows and I had a good goddamn time. I want to do this. So, you know, because you know what? You know, a thing that every Monday night, Les Paul, rest his soul, used to play at this open mic. Just because he loved playing. He didn't need the money, he didn't need to do it. He just did it. It was this little ass bar and he could go down there and he would just fucking wail all night long. Les Paul, the guy who created the best looking guitar ever. The most beautiful fucking guitar ever created, in my opinion. The Les Paul, he created it and he mastered it. He was an unbelievable guitar player. And then famous guitarists every once in a while would drop in and it was, I swear to God, where my apartment was. I, I, I could have walked there in 15 minutes. And I was, every, every Monday night, I think he did it. I was like, I got to get over there, I got to see that guy. I got to get over there. I got to see that guy. I got to get over there, I got to see that. I never did and I never did. And then he passed away. And I was like, I'm a idiot. And I didn't. Because I was running out doing spots which I know I had to do, what the fuck I had to do. But, like, still, he could have taken one night off to see Les Paul with like 80 people. The fuck was I thinking? I wasn't. So when I first got here, you know, Josh Adam Myers took me to go see Paul McCartney and seen him in there, I just. It just ignited this thing in me that I has been dormant since I used to go to metal shows in the 80s before I became a comedian. Which, by the way, my 33rd fucking anniversary of my first time on stage ever, ever is. Is coming up. I cannot believe it's just flown by. Absolutely flown by to. What freaked me the fuck out was. I remember Mickey Mantle passing away. Okay, I was 27, he was 63. And you're 27. 63 seems like a long way away. I'm turning 57 this year. And I'm like, jesus Christ, that guy was born in 1931. I was born in 1968. This guy had a 37 year head start on him, and I am now. He was almost 64. So I am only seven years away from how old he was when he passed away. What the. What happened? Where did it all go? I don't know. Anyway, plowing ahead here. I. You guys remember Todd Parker? Todd Parker, he came on my. Came on my Thursday podcast. He wrote a book, a great book which. What the fuck is it? What the hell was it called? God damn it. Billionaire something or other. Now he's gonna kill me for this. Whatever. He came on my podcast and he wrote this great book. I've known him. My first time ever doing stand up, it was a contest, and he was one of the judges. So I have a running joke that I'll. I never forgave him because I didn't win that night, and believe me, I did not deserve to win. He didn't do anything wrong. So anyway, he sent me as a congratulations for doing Broadway, and he knows I'm out here missing my family and stuff. He goes, I took a chance on this. I don't know if you're into it or not. So I'm looking at it going like, that's too big to be a book unless he wrote like a fucking encyclopedia or a phone book. This is huge. And I unwrapped it, and it was a model of one of those Hemi cars that. I have not built one of those since I was a kid. Like, Literally, like, you know, you opened it up and everything was white. And then, you know, he had the grid with all the parts on it. He gave me paint, the paint, brushes, the glue, everything. And if you could have seen the ear to ear grin that I broke into, I was like, oh, my God, this is amazing, because I remember I used. I was like, too impatient. I'd start gluing shit together before I finished painting him. I would paint the shit after I took it off, and I have fingerprints on it and everything. And for whatever reason, just thinking back to it going, like, I should have painted all the parts first, let them dry, you know, then put all the decals on, let it dry or whatever. I don't know what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to put the decals on or whatever, and then put it together and followed the steps. And I was always impatient. I'd start. They always made you start with the engine. And I was bored shitless with it. Wanted to get to the car, and I would skip steps and all of that. I just, you know, I was an idiot. Like, doing standup is the only thing I was ever good at, right? I just sucked at everything else. So now I get the chance to kind of redo that. And I cannot wait to, like, you know, I'm gonna wait till we're done with rehearsals and we start doing the show when I have the time. And I was telling him, like. Like, because I kind of need something to replace cigar smoking, because I don't even think about smoking cigars anymore. But I do miss the quiet and the solitude of doing it. And I equated it with the smoke. And it really wasn't. It was just that, you know, you can only smoke in a few places, so you just kind of had to sit there. And, you know, if I was smart enough to not have my phone on, if I just sat there, it was a really nice sort of reset. You know, you look at your life, you think of all this, that doesn't mean anything yet. Start to think about the stuff that matters, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah and all that. And I'm thinking, like, maybe making these cars is a good way to fix that. So then I don't go back, because I really don't feel like going back. I do enjoy a cigar, but I think I've had enough to get enough of them, you know, I don't know. There's other things to do. So anyway, let me. Let me do. Do I have any reads? I don't think I Have any reads? I do not. I do not have any reads. I do not in fact have any reads to do. So anyway, still been hitting the gym. Stomach is coming down. I'm still like, just cannot believe when I sit down and I just look at the damage I've done and I've took a lot off already, you know, and it's still a show. You know, it's easy to look good with clothes on, especially if you're wearing a pea coat over the clothes. What are you talking about? You look great. It's like I'm wearing 600 pounds of clothes right now. Of course I look like I'm in shape. So yeah, I gotta like, if I was a car, you know, there's no way I would be at the Mecham auction. No way. This is something you pull out of the woods, you know, and then, you know, whatever you want, you get half of that. Engine block is seized. Engine block, the engine is seized. Anyway. Oh, speaking of that, I saw like, I saw this really cool car and it was an Australian ford from the 1970s. It was sort of like that, it was like a Lando or something like that. L, A N D A U or something. And it just looked like it was made out of leftover parts. Like the rear end looked like the back of the Mercury Monarch or the Ford Granada had like those brake lights. And then the front, it looked like the grill off of like of a like a mid-60s Lincoln Continental. And then the body was sort of like, like a mid size or sometimes a two door coupe. It was really weird. It had like a bench seat. It's kind of a cool car, dude. Australia and then also Latin America has American cars that you don't even know know existed. Like I went last time I was in Australia, which was 2015, 10 years ago, I used to go there every couple of years. And then I had kids and I don't know, there's just something about being that far away from them in a different hemisphere. It just kind of freaks me out. But like they're getting older so I, I gotta, I gotta get back there. But I went down there last time I was there. I got there on Australia Day, which is basically like their fourth of July. And you know, Australians get after it. They don't need an excuse. And I landed the day they had an excuse. And I got out there 14 hours to Sydney from LA and then flew another six hours to Perth. And me and Nia landed and they were just drinking and driving and just. It looked like Massachusetts on Like a Saturday night, like Boston, like in the 80s, back when I was going down there with the Combat Zone and all the college kids and then the southy Dorchester North End kids. All of that just all sort of coming out of these dance clubs and there was just fights and puking and all of that. It was, it was like that vibe. I just remember being like, I don't know how this plays out, but I'm not going to find out. I'm going inside and. Because I don't know if it's cool to be out here or not, but I don't feel like it is. So I went inside. But anyway, they still, at least 10 years ago, still made an El Camino style car down in Australia. And I was freaking out. I was going. I go, Neil, look at it. They get fucking. They still making El Camino's down here. This is fucking amazing. So they also had a thing in, in Mexico. Oh, fuck. I used to know the names of these things they had like, you know, it was weird. In the States, the Chevy Suburban, the four door basically Chevy Blazer. Ford never went to compete with that. Never made a four door one, but they actually did. And they sold it in Central and South America. And I forget what the fuck it's called, but they're really fucking cool. And it's basically their answer to the Suburban. And I have have no idea why they never sold one in the United States. And every person from the USA that I show it to thinks they're fucking sick. I want. It was like a. Not an F400. It was something weird, some weird number. And you know, you can get them, you know, you can go online and find them. But I always thought they were cool. Especially, you know, if they had like that 1970s, like the. I was never a fan of the 7879 Front End Grill. But like the other ones, the one that they had from basically like 73 to 77, that one with the four doors actually looks really fucking cool. All right, I'm babbling here. Once again, Patrice O'Neil comedy benefit. Thank you in advance to everybody that comes out. You have no idea how much this benefit has helped. You know, Patrice was taking care of his mom and all the comics. We all know that Patrice would fucking kill us if we ever let anything happen to his mother. So we've been able to take care of her because you guys show up every fucking year and the place sells out and we always have these great shows and it's really just such a great thing. And if You're a fan of Patrice when you go to the show, a way to give back to him and his comedy legacy is to help out his mother. And that's it. All right, have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 27, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Sorry, the podcast is a little bit late this week. You know, fucking checkout was, you know, 10am at this place I was staying at and I thought I could sleep till 10 and then do the fucking podcast and leave at noon. That's what I thought, you know, I'm sorry, am I still in America? Checkout time is maybe 11. Where the fuck is it? 10:00am the fuck is Trump not president anymore? I mean, I thought this was something that he thought, he thought he was going to make it great again. Make it great again. Have me check out at 1 in the fucking afternoon. Wouldn't you sign an executive order order for that, you orange headed cunt? How about that? This podcast is not funny. It's sad. It's a lonely man by himself. Sorry for the bad Trump impression. Anyways, I am in Gainesville, Florida right now and you're probably wondering, Bill, what the fuck are you doing in Gainesville, Florida, home of the Florida Gators? You know, you're on there, you there in a fucking Monday and it's not football season. Why are you here? It's because I have to do the makeup date for the show that I was gonna do back in November when I was gonna go to the Florida Gators game down there at the fucking swamp. I was gonna do that and go to the Florida Gator LSU game and that game got rained out, whatever. They had a fucking hurricane and everybody freaked out because Jacksonville was going to get the shit kicked out of him. Gay Gainesville was, you know, as far as I'm concerned, was safe, you know, with my complete lack of a meteorological background. Is that the right word? I don't know. So I'm back here, I'm back here, you know, in February when nothing's going on. Oh shit. What about their team? What if their fucking team has a basketball team, has a game tonight? Maybe that's it. Maybe that's what's going on. I don't fucking know. Anyways, I'm here in fucking Daytona. Gainesville had a great time this whole weekend being out there in Daytona. Daytona Beach, Florida. And Jesus Christ, dude. Some of the fucking locals in Daytona, your heart just goes out to, you know. I mean, it's just these. These f. All these. It's all those people that. That people in Hollywood trash, you know what I mean? It's just a bunch, you know, a lot of white people that are just. Jesus, life is just fucking kick the shit out of them. Not saying everybody, but I'm just saying I fucking came into town. I'm walking down the street the first night I got video of this. I'm walking. There's like a fight about ready to break out outside of a pizza joint. And everybody there is like, my age, except they look my age. You know what I mean? They might have a better hairline, which isn't hard with me, but they're just fucking fat. Big fat fucking. What's that Prilosex that people eat? That was it called that Larry the Cable Guy talks about, right? He goes, Prolo6ATC. When you go out and you eat a whole pig and your stomach's like, what the fuck did you just do to me? Rather than not eating a whole fucking pig again, you can take this shit and it'll make it feel like eating a whole pig yourself is okay. That shit. They had those bodies. Lot of cargo shorts that were just frayed at the bottom. A lot of bad tattoos. A lot of fucking people that look like even if they weren't on drugs. You know, when people do drugs for so fucking long, there's only so. So coherent that you can get back to. We went to this restaurant, right, on the Strip. And this lady, Jesus Christ, if she wasn't high, she just done. She had just done so many drugs. She brought the wings over, right? And they were like. They weren't ice cold. They were room temperature, which is ice cold. And I'm like, yeah, and I hate sending food back. We're sitting in this fucking restaurant, right? And we're sitting in. It's like basically a NASCAR because we're there to go to the Daytona 500 the next day, right? It's like a NASCAR that they cut in half and put a booth in the. In the middle of it, right? Or some shit. I don't know what the fuck it is. And we looked up later, and evidently, this was the worst restaurant me and Nate ended up going to. This fucking thing ended up being the worst restaurant. It wasn't bad. I ordered the fucking. It Looks Shady. And the music they were playing, they were playing like, ZZ Top, She's Got Legs. They played George Thorogood twice. They played. Yes. Owner of a lonely Heart. I was just sitting there. It felt like it was 1985. I was joking on stage that night. I was waiting for fucking Marty McFly to come walking in. Keyword there, fly. And there was just some guy walking around sort of mouthing the words to this joint. It wasn't even a good George Thorgood song. It wasn't Bad to the Bone or that. Whatever that. One whiskey, one scotch or one beer. It wasn't that one. It was that the. That. Cover my back door now my don't come no more Moving on over Rocking on over it's just sitting there going, oh, my God. The waitress fucked up. Every possible way she could have fucked up, other than just blowing her nose into the bread. I mean, other than that, she. Every fucking thing you could do, she fucked up. It was hilarious. I felt bad for her. I could see, you know, she just, you know, we all do it. We all do it in my business. We stay out there too long. Madonna did it. You know, she's still twerking. She's like, 60. It's like, Madonna. For the love of God, can you dress your age okay? Could you have a shred of decency for yourself so that people can just, in a general sense, look in your. Your. Your direction? You know what I mean? There was a bunch of guys down on Daytona beach dressing the way Madonna was dressing. There was a bunch of guys my age still. Still wearing tank tops where your arms have no muscle definition anymore. It's just. It looks like. You know what it looks like? It looks like, you know when somebody has, like, cankles, you know that part of the leg where it just. You know, there's no shape to the calf? That's what the arm looks like. And it's all flabby and just these awful, horrific tattoos. Just shit. You pick off a wall, somebody with the shakes just puts it on your arm. And so she comes over, by the way, when you go into a place like that. Because once I sit down, I'm not leaving. Just go with the grilled cheese. You get a grilled cheese sandwich, and what can they do? You know what I mean? Fucking Nate ordered a hamburger, and I was just like, all right, dude. You know, but if you get fucking Ebola, I mean, I don't want to hear you bitching about it or whatever. E. Coli, whatever you get. I knew it was something with an E. So she comes over and she's just like, hey. Well, it was like one in the afternoon. The sun just fucking blazing through the windows. Just like, hey, welcome. I'm gonna be your waitress for this. This evening. Evening. And she caught herself saying evening. And she just fucking plowed forward. You know, you got a specialty. It was like, listen. It was like literally like listening to a cell phone going in and out, right? And she brings the fucking orders over. And she kept going, how's your meat? Which I've never heard anybody say that. I ordered a burger and the wings, I got a little dangerous with the fucking wings. And I had the grilled cheese sandwich. And I think it was just too much for her fucking blown out brain to try to remember what kind of protein we ordered. So she just kept coming over going, how's the meat? She came over, she gave me the burger. She gave Nate the fucking grilled cheese sandwich. We had to swing that fucking thing around. The chicken was fucking stone cold. And she just. She started to, like, turn sideways when she fucked up the order. And she was like, almost trying to hide behind her own shoulder. She's like, I'm sorry. I have the manager take it off and really apologize. And she fucking disappears and comes back two seconds later, which was a big thing in Daytona, ordering food that should have taken at least 15 minutes. And it returned in like two seconds. It was very disturbing because the first night when we saw those fucking old guys with the flabby arms pushing each other outside that fucking pizza parlor. Well, let me. I'll take you through the whole fucking shit show. We went into this place that we thought was a Hooters, a fucking hooters. And I'm like, I'm not eating it here. Any place that that is sort of in the sex industry. It's got one foot in the sex industry. I'm not ordering food in. So I went in there and got a beer and we walked in and the chicks didn't have hooters, but they all had asses. And they had shorts, like up their ass. Like half their ass was hanging out. And it was just, you know, it was a shit show. And we're trying to figure it out. We're like going, what the. What the kind of hooters is, is Hooters finally admitting that hip hop went mainstream about 25 years ago. And now they're focusing on asses. And wasn't till the next day we walked out, we realized it wasn't a hooters, it was some wings joint. And I think they're going to put hooters out of business because I don't think people care about titties anymore, you know what I mean? Plus, you can have a nice rack and, like, your fucking ass can be as flat as a goddamn desk, a desktop, right? You know what I mean? So then the money guy, then you just got. You got like a pair of tits, you know? What are you gonna do with that? I love an ass. And you can't have a nice ass and be out of shape. It just doesn't fucking work. That is the nucleus of the body. If that's in shape, then everything else is fine. You can have a fucking pair of tits on you. You know what I mean? And it can just be a shit show show when you go south, you know what I mean? That's like. You know, guys, when they, they, they keep lifting weights, you know, and they just keep trying to keep their chest out in front of their beer belly. And then they keep pushing the jeans down further and further so they still have their 32 inch jeans, you know? By the way, I think white people were the first one to wear saggy jeans, you know, I think we were the first ones to do it. And that was with the guys who. Who just refused to buy a 34 inch, then a 36, 38 inch waist. They just kept pushing it down and letting their stomach come out over the top. So anyways, she's like hiding behind her shoulder going, I'm sorry. I managed to take it out. So she. Oh, no. I know. I remember what I was trying to say. Yeah. How quickly the food came. So the night before we went out, after we left the fucking. The bar where these girls had to walk around with half of their asses hanging out. And now that I'm a dad, it was even worse. I just kept thinking, what if my daughter ends up working? This is. Fuck. I wanted to meet the father of all these guys and be like, what did you do that had them end up here? So I don't do it so my daughter doesn't end up here. So we go down the fucking street and we go to this other fucking bar. They're like, they got a biker bar down there because, you know, Daytona has that crazy biker week and some shit out here. And I'm just like, all right, I am not a biker and I'm not gonna go in there and get, you know, I don't know, a pool cue fucking shoved in my ear. I don't need this shit, right? So we go to this other bar. It's sort of a sports bar. We walk in, everything's cool. So I ordered some food. I go, let me get the. What's. What's the raw tuna? The. It's not sashimi, is it? Tuna tartar. Tartar. Is that what I ordered, you know, in, you know, this sports bar? Why would you. Why would you order raw fish in a place like that? It's nuts. But I did, and I ordered chips and salsa. And I swear to God, this woman walked into the kitchen. They had the. In. In the outdoor, you know, the swinging doors. She walked in there and the door went. And then she came walking right back out and with the food, like, too, like, disturbingly, like. It came back so fast. The look on my face. Nate was crying, laughing, and all I can say about the food is, you shouldn't have to chew raw tuna. It should be like butter, like, melts in your mouth kind of thing. And I. And I was chewing the. Out of it. So anyways, back to the fucking other place. You know, this is so stupid that I'm fucking shitting on the food there. When you're sitting in a fucking NASCAR that's been cut in half and they put a fucking booth in the middle of it. Can you really complain about the food? Well, you know what? I have an hour to fill here, so I'm gonna. So this poor woman who, you know, probably had some shitty dad and she ended up doing drugs is trying to get her fucking order right? And, you know, the guy's walking around, mouthing the words, moving on over. And this guy in the corner starts eating this burger, dude. And I can't even. The way he was fucking attacking this burger. I was crying, laughing, and I had to. You know, I had to do like that, you know. You know when you're with somebody and you're. The person you're laughing at kind of catches you looking at him, and then you want your friend to look at him too, so you got to do like that kind of that stretch thing where you look back. Fortunately, there was a flat screen TV above his head. And I just sort of like, without even. Like a ventriloquist, just like, just turn around, look at the tv, you know, did like one of those things. And dude, the way this guy would. He attacked this burger. Like he. He lunged at it rather than. Like, it was almost like his. It was. Someone else was holding. It was the way he was trying to steal a bite of somebody else's burger. That's the way this guy was eating. Like, his first bite into the burger, he fucking lunged at it so hard, he hit himself in the face with, like, the. Lettuce they had this big piece of, like, fucking romaine lettuce hanging off the side, whatever the fuck it was. Iceberg lettuce. And when he lunged in at it, it, like, it fucking hit him in one of his eyes, and he had to stop and blink. And then he just fucking. He came up higher and just lunged at it again. He was eating it like a fucking komodo dragon. You know, they just sort of fucking lunge at something and just. Just saw and rip away. It was a animal. And every time he would lunge at this thing, it was. I could not look at him. And I was crying, laughing. Of course, by three bites, he looked over, and he caught me looking at him laughing. And then I. I looked at Nate, and I pointed at the menu like I was laughing, like, oh, my God, they have chicken fingers. Isn't that hilarious? Like, I was trying to somehow get away from it. But long story short, the grilled cheese was all right. The fucking wings were horrific. Even when they were actually heated up, they clearly made them hours ago. The way they came over, ice cold. And then they brought me some hot ones, like, three seconds later. And so the lady comes over, and she picks up our check. She walks over the register, and in that shirt. Short amount of time, she already forgot where we were sitting. And then when she came back, you know, Nate picked up the check, she gave it back to me. It was just. Was horrific, man. But other than that, Daytona beach was beautiful. We did a show that night. Everybody's gonna be like, what are you shitting on Daytona for? Because. Because that's what I saw. I didn't know where to go. So anyways, I. I played the. I want to say Peabody Theater, because where I'm from, that's how you say it. Peabody. The Peabody Theater. It's like, when you. When you're in New York, it's Carnegie hall, and when you're in Pittsburgh, it's Carnegie. All right? When you're in Massachusetts, it's. It's Peabody, and everywhere else, it's Peabody. So we played the Peabody Theater, had a great time, did an hour and 20 minutes, you know, all new shit that got left off of other hours. Just had a great fucking time. The crowd was awesome. Got a bunch of heckles, but they were all great. I liked. I like that shit. I don't mind when people yell out, you know, to a point. I don't mind it. And I had a good time. And I made a point of saying that, because sometimes people in the crowd go, sorry for all the fucking heckles. I enjoy it. I don't mind a lively drunk ass crowd. I'm a fucking drunk, okay? And now that I've shit on everybody, you know, that I met basically in a 12 hour period in Daytona, let's talk about the. We went to the race the next day. And by the way, thank you to everybody who came out to the show. I mean it was such a big fucking event the next day. I mean there should have been three people in the crowd. So the fact that it was sold out was fucking amazing. So thank you to everybody. I will definitely be back, but I will not be eating at that fucking place with the cars that are sawed in half. So anyways, plowing ahead here. So the next day we go to the race and we weren't really thinking that there's going to be 250,000 fucking people. That's like two and a half Rose Bowls all descending on the same fucking the same place. So all the locals are going like, oh man, I'm just staying in tomorrow, that's going to be a shit show, blah, blah, blah. And when I had driven from the airport, you know, when you get off, what's so cool, when you get off at the airport you can actually hear them racing. You know, I think there was a truck race or some like that if you land, you know, I didn't get into like one in the morning or midnight actually. So the race was already over. But when they got there, you could hear him racing. You pull out, you can see the Daytona International Spirit Speedway which is amazing, right? Legendary place. And as you're driving by there's all these people in RVs and all that hanging out, wait to go on the race. And dude, these people do not around the way they were doing it up like is the way I wish we did it at the Rose bowl. Like I've never seen so many like, I mean legit. Like you could, you could like a rock star could tour in some of these Mars mobile homes. And the setups that they had and the flat screen TVs you know, on the outside with the generator and they had smokers going and everybody just having a great time waiting for this race to happen. And evidently people who park on the infield can get there like something a week or 10 days they've just been in there as these guys are driving around the track, you know, getting ready to go to the race and all that, you know, testing out their cars and shit, qualifying for pole position or whatever the fuck it is that they're doing. These people are sitting there like. I mean, that's. That. Those are die hard fans, right? So we ended up calling a fucking Uber. The venue the night before hooked us up with this guy, this driver, and he knew all these back ways to get there, which was a godsend. And he got us, like, right to where it says Daytona International Speedway. And Nate Barotzi is, like, hooked up with some of those NASCAR guys, and they came by about 20 minutes later, picked us up in this little golf cart, and just gave us the. The. The total VIP treatment. And this is the one thing I will say about NASCAR versus the NFL is the level of fan access to all these different. You can. You can walk right down onto pit row. We were sitting on the track before the race, like, a couple hours before the race. They let you go up there. Everybody was, like, taking pictures at the finish line. And one thing I couldn't believe was how fucking small it is as far as the width of it. It's like these people will go three side by side, 200 miles an hour. They're out of their minds. You got to be right down there on pit row. I met Mario Andretti. Got to shake his hand. And that was another thing, too. Like, just the array of, like, famous people that were there. I guess the appeal of NASCAR was fucking nuts. Like, you'd see Mario Andretti, which makes sense. Race car driver. I saw Gronkowski, Guy Fieri. Who else? There was some model, this gorgeous model there. Keanu Reeves, Ladanian Tomilson. It was just. It was like, all over the map. Then you'd see, like, oh, that guy. He's the senator of, you know, whatever South Carolina. We got to go in and, you know, we got to sit in on, like, the driver's meeting and all of that, which is really fun. Interesting. I thought it was just gonna be the drivers and, like, four of us, but it was this giant room where they let this whole crowd go into. It's just sitting there talking to the drivers, going, all right. You know, it's been a lot of trying to bump guys off the track into the fucking stands. You got to stop doing that. I mean, I don't know what. I didn't even know what they were saying. I was kind of sitting behind the guy, so I couldn't quite hear him. But, man, I can't imagine going to, like, a fucking any NFL game and you got to hear the referees talking to the head coaches before the game. You know, the NFL is like the goddamn CIA. You can't get Anywhere near anything. So we ended up watching the race from the infield. And, you know, I knew some people there. So at one point, we were with the people from Cisco Brewery down on Nantucket. If you ever go to Nantucket, crazy good beer. And then they got this vodka, they have like this blueberry vodka and cranberry vodka that you fucking lady's gonna love. And we hung with them for a while. And then we also were at this other fucking place and our view was absolutely insane. It was a bunch of, I don't know, crashes and cautions. It's. The fucking race took forever, but I don't know. I can't. I still can't believe that I got to go. Go to it. But thank you to everybody at NASCAR for hooking us up. And I'm trying to remember, who the fuck won? Was it Kyle Busch? Kyle Busch won, right? I went there and I just rooted for Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. You know, it's been so long since I watched NASCAR. I'm like, is Jeff Gordon still racing? It's like, nah, he's retired. Like, everybody I knew was gone. Like, I. I watched it big time in the early 80s, late 70s, early 80s, when it was like Bobby Allinson, Cale Yarbrough, Harry Gantt, Richard Petty. I saw him win like his last Daytona 500, like 81 or something. Then Cale Yarborough won it two years in a row. Then it was the Bill Elliott era. And I don't know, somewhere around there, I was trying to get through college and I started doing stand up and I kind of lost touch with it. But I. I still paid attention right through the Dale Earnhardt years. And I don't know, I haven't watched it in a minute, but it's. It's fucking amazing, dude. The whole thing, it was just such an amazing experience. And I'm. I don't know, maybe I'll go to Talladega. Who knows? I think that one's in May. We'll see. But the big thing I was excited about was the fact that I was able to do like an hour and 20 minutes and not bore people with shit that they'd already heard before. So, you know, that's like the big fan fear when you go back out on the road after you had a special come out as you're like, all right, how do I fucking do a bunch of new. Without these people over? Sorry, I'm adjusting the microphone here. Without these people over and them still thinking that I was funny. Especially after going on after Nate Bargazi who, by the way, is one of, like, six people that got half hours on. On Netflix. I think Netflix is trying to do, like, the HBO One Night Stands. So he was running his Ready to Tape special in front of me, and that guy's one of the best joke writers I know, and he fucking murdered. So I was relieved that I was able to go on after him and have a good time. So anyways, is it time? Yeah. How about a little bit of advertising here, everybody? All right, where are we? Wondery. The fuck is this stuff? Never heard of this one. Wondery. Here's a podcast you should listen to. Wait a minute. Somebody else's podcast is advertising on my podcast? Yeah, don't listen to my podcast. Listen to this one. All right, One. I remember this shit. This one's actually sounded cool. All right. Secrets Crimes and Audio Tape. It's a podcast that has a different story every week. This week's story is called this is Not a Banksy. It's about a guy who wakes up in the morning and realizes Banksy drew on his ass. Who the fuck is Banksy? He gets it tattooed and now people want to collect his ass. It doesn't go well. It was. It has high production values, it's funny, and Mario Lopez is the guest star. Go listen to it. All right. This is why I like that podcast is because it sounds different. And also, the copy was nice and short. Is Banksy. He's an. He's an artist, right? I only know this because Nia's into all that shit. Let me. Let me look this fucking up. So he drew on somebody's ass and then he had it tattooed, and now what? Who the fuck is Banksy? Banksy is an anonymous English based graffiti artist, political activist, and film director. If he's anonymous, how come they know who he is? Of unverified identity. Oh, there you go. There's satirical street art and subversive. Well, then how the fuck did this guy know Banksy drew on his ass? Man, he's got great work. I'm gonna judge him on the two that are on his Wikipedia page. Ah, these are amazing. What a talented son of a bitch. He must be really shy. So he does this in England. What if it's. What if it's somebody from the royal family? And the reason why they don't say it is because, you know, graffiti is looked down upon by the Aristocrats. You know, stop drawing on our buildings. Maybe that's who it is. So I guess he drew on somebody's ass. Somebody who knows Him. Well, well, I'm surprised the, the Illuminati doesn't kidnap that dude and his ass and goes, tell me who the Banksy is. Tell me who Banksy is or I'll fucking scalp your ass and that painting and then your ass won't work and it won't be worth. How about that? No pun intended. Right? Let me. Let me select all of this and then delete it so I can get to the fucking questions for this week. Dollar Shave Club. Which was the first one? The first one was the. The Banksy. Banksy fucking tattooed my ass. All right? Oh, by the way, everybody, I mentioned lately that I'm. I'm going to be starting to post some videos up to my YouTube, my YouTube page. I'm going to a bunch of videos from the Daytona 500 I'm going to have at www.YouTube.com users/Monday morning podcast. I'm going to give the fucking video to my guy this week. He's going to edit it and get the shit up there. Okay? I'll tweet about it when it gets up there. All right? So, speaking of stamps, I bought some stamps today. I did not use stamps.com. i was driving from Daytona beach up here to Gainesville, and rather than going like the highway way, I took the longer route because I want to see some shit, right? Like going by this fucking. My brother told me it's called folk art. I guess I drove by this woman's house or this guy's house. I don't know why I thought it was a woman. But you don't have like a giant Tyrannosaurus rex, a bull, like, kicking its legs up, like all these giant things that you can put on your lawn. I guess I don't know what. All this crazy stuff, you don't see that when you take 75 north, it's just going to be a bunch of Arby's. We got the meats. It's going to be the same 10 chains in a goddamn Walmart. I've seen that a zillion times. But if you, if you take the old school, the, the Route 66, Jack Kerouac Ways, it takes longer, but you see a bunch of cool. So I was driving along there and I came upon a post office and lo and behold, I had a. I had a bill that I need to pay and I didn't have a stamp. So I pull in and the locals are in there and I'm listening to this guy tell this hilarious story. First of all, I love the pace of it too. I love the pace of a small town where I don't give a that this guy's telling the story. He's such a character. I'm enjoying it. I'm already second in line because there's nobody there, right? And he's telling this story about how somebody cut him off, you know, and is not driving too fast. So then the woman behind the counter then tells her story about how she was doing 15, someone pulled out in front of her and her son, and her son blew the horn. And when they pulled up next to him at a red light, the guy fucking had a pistol and he fucking just brought it up. Looking at him like, you know, pointing at the ceiling of his car. He just sort of brought it up like that. And then the guy's like, he goes, can't do that, can't do that. I write that that's a terrorist act. That's brandishing, brandishing a weapon. They just start talking about brandishing a weapon. You can't do that. That'll make somebody want to, you know, do some sort of self defense is what they were saying. And I was just like, this is fucking crazy, crazy out here. But actually I think that they said that that happened up in Charlotte or something like that. I guess the road rage is off. The chains in Charlotte, North Carolina. That's what I love about a small town. I never would have heard that, you know, this fucking guy with his white Uncle Jesse beard telling a story, brandishing a weapon. And I was just sitting there, totally not even giving a fuck that I was standing in line at the post office completely enjoying the story and praying to God that this guy then took out his weapon. Because I, I wanted, I wanted to see where this was going to go next. But, you know, they didn't say anything like, I should have got his license plate and blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. That's why I stay off the 75 north, because I never would have heard that, you know, if I stayed on the 75 North, I would have heard, you know, can I get the, Can I get a double cheeseburger with the. I don't want to hear that shit. Oh, I know a lot of you guys are expecting me to talk about the Oscars, but I didn't watch them, okay? I don't watch award shows unless I'm home. If I'm home, then my wife's watching them. And then I watch him with her because I like making fun of them while she watches them because it makes her mad. She doesn't get mad. Mad, but she gets, like, upset. But I heard about the big. The big fucking thing there. And the end where Warren Beatty came out, and he's like a little winner for the best picture. 2017 goes to LA La Land. And evidently the poor people from La La Land went up. There were two speeches in before they realized that it was actually going to moonlight, starring Cybil shepherd and Bruce Willis, I believe. I don't know what the fuck happened. All I know is, once I heard that that happened, I didn't want to watch it. You know, I don't like watching people like that level of awkwardness, you know? And just seeing Warren Beatty be that old. I just realized his last name was what that robot was saying on Close. Not Close Encounters. What was that. What was that stupid Buck Rogers where they had that little stupid robot going, bd. Is he saying Beatty, Beatty, Baby, Baby. There was a stupid. Like, somebody came up with somebody who's sitting in a fucking writer's room, and they're like, all right, Star wars is all the rage. We got to somehow make money off this. All right, we're gonna do Buck Rogers. That doesn't seem that bad. I mean, it was around before Star wars. And one of the things we got to have, like, an R2D2 and a C3PO, and the network's like, well, we're not fucking hiring two actors. It's gonna be too expensive. Combine both characters and stick a fucking in that goddamn suit. Right? It's all right. Well, C3PO is kind of a smart cunt with an English accent. All right, well, just have this thing be a. Just. It has a catchphrase. I don't know. What's the catch? Well, you come up with it. The writers are probably so pissed. All right, let's just come up with the dumbest we can possibly say and see what this industry person says. All right? He's a little. He looks like a little kid George Washington, but he's painted all silver and he's made out of metal. And before he talks, he walks around, he goes, beatty. Beaty. Beatty. Beatty. You know, and then they just sat there and they kept the fucking straight face. And that's one of those moments in life, you know, when you throw it on the table. You know, you're looking at that person, they're looking at you, and it becomes one of those moments where whoever talks first loses, and you just fucking wait it out. And then the fucking person goes, all right, yeah, go with that. They're like, great, awesome. Let's go do some cocaine. It's not fucking addicting, right? It's fucking the late 70s. Yeah. So I didn't. I didn't see. I didn't see any of it. Sorry. I know. I got a bunch of tweets. Can't wait to hear your take on the Oscars. I did not see it. What I did see was that the fucking Boston Bruins won again. One again. And all my fucking whining about, whining about, you know, them getting rid of Chloe Julian. According to Bob Bears, the Bruins are playing much looser and more confident under Butch Bruce Cassidy. Sorry, I say Butcher Bruce Cassidy. So with the new man on the bench, the Boston Bruins look like a new team. The B's are 61 since Bruce Cassidy took over as interim coach, averaging four goals per game while scoring scoring. The first in six of those contests. They exploded for six goals. And Sunday's matinee went over the stars. But the stars sucked this year and 98.5. The Sports Hub Bruins analyst Bob Beers says he's seen a much looser and more confident team take the ice since Cassidy took over for Chloe Julian. They have a little more leash and a little more freedom to make some plays. Not to the point where they're being reckless or carried away, leaving themselves exploring at the other end, but they're encouraged to play more offensively. I gotta tell you, man, they've been playing great. So I don't know what it is. So, you know, I guess I was wrong. I still think Chloe Julian's a fucking great coach. What are you gonna do? Maybe everybody needed a change, you know, Maybe that's what it is. Like, you stay with the same person for a while, he just gets sick of them, you know, and this is like the new girlfriend. You're all excited. You can go all the old places, but it's new for the both of you to go there. I don't know. All I know is it's fucking working. And I absolutely loved, loved the Boston Celtics not making a move before the trade deadline. I think that was genius. It was. It would have been so stupid to give up draft picks and some players that we had, you know, that they were going to want, like Marcus Smart and fucking Jay Crowder and a bunch of draft picks. At the very least, we were going to have to fucking give up that to bring in who, Carmelo Anthony, you know who's going to. He's going to tell fucking everybody to clear out and then not get back on D. You don't need that Shit. And even if he got us past the Cavaliers, nobody's beating the fucking warriors this year. We're certainly not. You give up all of that shit to do what? Come in second place instead of fourth? Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? This is the Boston Celtics. We got to win another championship. The Lakers are lying about the amount of fucking champions championships they have. They padded their resume with one. We need to win another one. Put a little distance between them. And I think this fucking move right here, being patient enough to just say, no, we're staying the goddamn course. We got all these draft picks. You know, who knows? Maybe that kid from Duke comes out. Tatum. Maybe he's one and done. Who knows? You know, they got that. Who's that other kid? There's some kid on Kansas. I guess he's like a point guard or something like that. I don't know what the fuck we need. I don't know shit about basketball, but I love not giving into the stupid pressure that, you know, you're supposed to make a move. You know, that'll make you better in the short run. But fuck you. Fuck over all the work you've been doing over the last three, four years. So. Danny Age. Danny Age. Love it. Absolutely love it. All right, let's do some reads for this week because I'm actually gonna drive down to Tampa tonight, and I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go to the fucking Tampa Bay Lightning versus the fucking Ottawa Senators game tonight. Never. Never been to a game there. We'll see how it is. All right. Four reads. All right, this is what I got here. Oh, four reads was the advertising. It's not. Four questions. Let me get rid of that. Okay. Boyfriend, birthday gift. Hey there, Billy. Birthday boy. My boyfriend, my man recently celebrated a birthday, and I contemplated for weeks what I would get him. After listening to many podcast episodes, I picked up on your advice to freshly single men. Get yourself all the sports packages. I took old Billy boy's advice and bought my guy a subscription for NHL tv. Holy shit. You're a fucking angel. For the remainder of the hockey season, parentheses Go Pens. That's great, too. So his team is a contender, so it'll be fun to watch. And NFL Sunday ticket for the upcoming football season. He's beyond thrilled. Of course he is. Thanks for the laughs. And most importantly, thanks for the birthday suggestion. R. All right, ladies. Did you hear that? You know what's great about all of that shit is it's so easy to do. That's one phone call you don't have to go out and go shop. You don't have to go get something engraved. It's perfect. And if anybody wants to outdo this woman, you know, what you do is you get them the perfect chair to sit there and watch, you know, and then what you do is you get life insurance. And as he slowly eats and drinks himself to death watching all these sports, you know, you're going to win either way. Either he's going to be around and he's going to be this big, lovable, fucking, you know, grizzly bear over there watching his games, or he's going to fucking die, and you're going to get paid, you know. There you go. Good for you. That's. That's a great gift. I would love that. I would be thrilled with that gift. All right, who versus whom. A little aristocrat conversation here. The actual rule, I always get these confused. And I love that you guys are going to help me out here because I actually used whom the other day. Somebody told me that when you use who is is if you could substitute it with he or she. But if you're talking about a they or us or a soliloquy, then you use whom. I don't know. Anyways, he said the actual rule to use who with the subject and whom. Oh, the actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object. So is the subject, like a person? No, I don't. I'll never get this down. It's like, lie versus lay the baby on the bed lies down. But when you put the baby on the bed, the baby is laid down. All right, like, how is that supposed to help me? All right, let's try to figure out the subject and the object. Oh, my God. I'm gonna start fucking hyperventilating. This takes me back to high school. They call on you like, I don't know. I don't know. Just give me a fucking zero. Jesus Christ. How many fucking times you gotta call on me? I don't know the answer before you figure out calling somebody else. Quarterback keeps throwing to somebody, they keep dropping the ball, they go to somebody else. Fucking idiot punt. All right, the baby on the bed lies down. All right? So the baby is the subject, Is the bed the object? But when you put the baby on the bed, that's an object. The baby is laid down. All right, well, what the fuck? Who laid the baby down versus Billy Blue Balls laid whom down? All right, I gotta slow down. Who laid the baby down? Who laid the baby down? You did. You did. Shoot that Poison arrow through my heart Shoot that poison arrow. Thank you. Good night. Took me back. I always sing that song to Nia. And I always say, whoever sings that fucking song, you know, that they close with it and then that's how they end that song. That's how they end it. They go, shoot that poison arrow through my heart Shoot that poison arrow. Thank you, Good night. You know the surprise ending. Oh, I thought you were going to go through my heart again, but you didn't. All right, so who laid the baby down? All right, versus Billy Balls laid whom down? Okay, who laid the baby? Okay, so if I went like, who drank all this fucking beer? Billy Blue Balls was whom drank all the beer? I can't fucking do it. Who drank all this beer? How come I can't plug that in? All right, well, somebody says something about a baby. I have a baby in my life, so I have a chance. I can at least get that one right now. Jesus. Sent right back down to the Miners. Once again, he grounds into an inning ending double play. Fucking kill that goddamn dream. I don't understand. I just don't fucking get. This has been explained to me. For 50 million, I never understood how fucking planes flew. And then I got my pilot's license and they were able to fucking explain it to me. Who laid the baby down versus Billy Blue Balls laid whom down? All right, so I'm the subject in the first one, and then what, the baby becomes an object? Like, are you talking shit about my kid here? Believe Blue Balls laid whom down. The actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object. So I'm more important than my kids. So I'm the object here is that I'm the subject. But then that doesn't make any sense because a king has subjects, and they have to do whatever the fuck they, you know, he tells him. I'll tell you right now. I don't. I don't feel any closer to. To the. The finish line than I was. Jesus. The amount of empathy that I have for all the teachers in my life that this is the putty they're trying to mold into something. All right? You know what's great for Great Barrier Reef? For fuck's sakes, Bill, stop saying the Great Barrier Reef is dying. Get your pasty White Ranger art down here, get in the water and have a look for it. It's not dying. Yeah, it is, you cunt. What are you, a scientist? I'm going by what the fucking scientists are saying. And they wanted to go fucking snorkeling over there said you better do it now because they're not gonna let people go there much longer if you don't know what a ranger is that we Aussies call redheaded fucks like you. Ranger being short for orangutan. Oh, I guess in that Cute. Well, you know what? Maybe you can say that to me next time I come down there and do a fucking show, all right? Why don't you do that? I don't give a fuck. You think I give a fuck what some cunt lives at the bottom of the fucking world with like three quarters of your goddamn country? You can't even go to the entire middle of that fucking content is you continent. You can't even live there. What else do you do on Australia Day? Do you drive around in your poor excuse for a fucking El Camino anyways? Oh, that's he's one of those fucking guys. It's fine. It's still fucking there. You know, I'm going to look this shit up right now. All right. Great Barrier Reef. Let me see what I get. Let me guess. Because it doesn't agree with you, then it's going to be fake news. Great Barrier Reef dead. The Great Barrier Reef is not actually dead. Cnn dramatic. What about dying? Let me see. Dying. Dying. Let me see. Dying. Corals are dying on the Great Barrier Reef. Scientists have discovered an unprecedented die off in the world's largest reef. The Great Barrier Reef. Prom. Yeah, there you go. Right there. Okay. Great Barrier Reef not dying. Australia insists. Oh, I get it. This is your big tourist attraction. This is your Ferris wheel. So you want people to keep flying down there so they can jump in the water with a bunch of great white sharks because there's nothing to see on land down there because three quarters of your country is unlivable. And God knows if you go out there, it's so unlived. That's why they have snakes and everything down there is so poisonous because there's such a lack of food that, that a snake, if it just grazes somebody, they got to make it count because God knows they're not going to see anything else edible for weeks. Australia insists that it's not dying. I love it. Okay, well that's incredible. That's how you make all your money. All those cunts going down there in their scuba gear because they learned how to hold their breath and breathe underwater in a swimming pool and they got themselves a little scuba card and now they're going to go into God swimming pool a ocean. All right, that's got all this, that can kill. Oh my God. That's what it is. Okay, I get. I'm sorry. I was with your tourist attraction. That'd be like you guys down there saying that you can't go up into the arm of the Statue of Liberty anymore. It's going to snap off. It is dying, you stupid fuck. All right, all right. Anyways, I absolutely believe that it is. Why wouldn't it be? All the shit that we're doing, why would. Everything else is fucking dying. Everything else is completely fucked. But that isn't. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. Let me. You know what? I actually, I looked it up. Let me look up not dying. Let's see what this said. Great Barrier Reef. But if this is all from fucking Australia, I'm not buying it. Great Barrier Reef not in danger. Me a big picture of fucking Trump scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef not quote in danger. Tourism and mining groups have welcomed a whatever recommendation that the Great Barrier Reef be left off. The World Heritage in danger. Yeah, touring, tourism, mining, these people all make money off it. Should the Great Barrier Reef be listed as in danger? UNESCO Great Barrier Reef is not in danger. But needs care. UN expert experts say Great Barrier Reef is not. Yeah, this is all because you're not making money off of it. Great Barrier Reef outlook poor but not in danger. This is like what you guys are doing with the Great Barrier Reef now is what we do with our food supply. You know, it's not the best for you, but it doesn't necessarily cause cancer. You know what, buddy? I hope you're right. I hope you're right. I hope it isn't. But I know good and goddamn well that you're not a fucking scientist. I know I'm not a scientist and I know that scientists just say that it is dying, but anybody from what I just did my research for 30 seconds was anybody that makes money off of it say it says that it isn't. So I don't know, can I, can you? If you can write me back with a scientist or some sort of group of them that don't make money off it are not getting paid to say that it's dying. It's not dying, then. Then I'll believe it. Okay, so whatever. I'm still open minded. All right? Obama news censorship. Hey, Mr. Bill. Bill Burr. I have listened to the past couple of podcasts where some of your listeners have messaged in about Obama's supposed censoring of news media. And after a bit of further research, it seems like they are most likely inaccurate or just wrong. Now, let me ask you this, sir, because I looked it up, okay? And from what I could tell, it was accurate. But what I'm guessing is you're an Obama fan, so now you're going to tell me this is fake news. Now, you just saw where I was able to look up shit where it said it was dying, and then it isn't dying, and it's just all what you choose to believe, right? While the bill is real, the conclusion that it would cause the shutdown and silencing of dissenting opinions seems incorrect. It's supposed to follow the identity when foreign countries are involved in spreading propaganda to allow US News sites to know where information is coming from. I have a liberal bias and am probably overlooking some things. Oh, there you go. This guy's an adult. Okay, you know what? I take back everything I said. But it seems like that the bill is not nearly as bad as certain sites are making out to be, which I would agree with, because that's going to be the Fox News people. Thanks for the podcast and the latest special. This is what I would guess, which is obviously a total guess, because I'm a fucking moron. I'm guessing it's not as bad as people on the right are saying it is, But I am definitely of the belief that there's always that wiggle room in there that, you know, is there preventing something, you know, that everybody wants to be prevented, which would be propaganda from our fucking enemies, which I actually don't even think is that bad. I'm not against hearing their take on things, but it would also allow them. It's kind of like, you know, after 9, 11, where it was just like, we need to listen. We need to be able to listen in on people's phone conversations. But if you're not doing anything wrong, you know, it's not a fucking bum. You know, it's. This is just for terrorists. And then it just becomes a way for them to spy on you even more. And then years later, you see that whole fucking Snowden thing and he's taken off, basically saying, I'm not going to help you guys build this thing. The greatest nerd of all time is that Snowden guy, you know, as opposed to those other fucking pussies who just keep fucking. You know, I've always said it, you know, total psychos. Like a complete psycho has no fucking power. You know, without nerds, Nerds. Give them the ability to be a cycle on a psycho on a fucking global level. Okay? As nuts as Trump is as nuts as fucking Hillary is as nuts as fucking Bush. As much as all these fucking lunatics are. They're not shit without nerds creating the technology for them to, you know, go psycho on a global fucking level. I mean, if it wasn't for fucking nerds, we'd still be attacking each other with sticks, you know, I couldn't figure out how to make a gun, all right? Lost my 401k. Hey, Bill. Well, to cut to the chase, I'm 51 years old, divorced, son is in jail for hitting his mother, who is a lunatic. Jesus Christ. And I received a $49,000 settlement and blew it all on the California lottery. This can't be real. I really feel like throwing in the towel. Can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes? All right, if this is even remotely real, let's see. It's probably fake, but whatever, I can. But other people have completely up their lives, so I'll talk to them. And you, sir, if you're actually telling the truth, the biggest thing you got going for yourself is, you know, that you're a. And you up your life. So I would sit down and I would look at the decisions that I've made, figured out why I made those fucking decisions. I refuse to believe that you're dumb enough to get $49,000 and spend all of it on the California lottery. I would think that some of it went to Bear, some of it went to Wade. Come on. Some of you get 49,000 bucks, you didn't get yourself a new truck. I mean, come on. I don't know. Can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes? I would get a fucking job. First of all, I would stay away from. I'd stay away from your ex wife. Your son's in jail for hitting your mother. So that would mean he's of age. So you're not paying any child support, so maybe there's some alimony. I don't know. I try to teach my son not to hit my mother. I mean, my. Not to hit his mother. I don't know. Dude, you got water coming in from all sides here. I don't know what to tell you. If you get money, I would save it rather than gamble it away and. But you're only 51 years old, dude. This is what I would do. I would start P90Xing get a little bit of fucking self esteem and have a little more belief in yourself that you can make it other than trying to do a fucking nine zillion to one shot, which you tried to cut down to 49,000 with 49,000 shots at a billion to one. Yeah. Dude, I don't know what to tell you, man. I think you're gonna be fine. You're 51 years old. You know, you still got. You still got some years ahead of you, but I would just. I wouldn't throw my fucking money away like that. I mean, I don't know how to give you advice if you blew all your money on lottery tickets, but I don't want you to throw in the towel. You know what I would do? I would write a fucking book. Stare into it, you know, like, there's the comics. Comic. You might be the loser's loser. Write a book about it, you know? Or make some YouTube videos and just tell your story. Get some advertising, right? Maybe you can make a little bit of money that way. Shit, it's easy to make 49,000 bucks off the fucking Internet. There's enough people that people love. People failing you. Who the fuck's failed more than you? Turn it around. Turn that failing into a fucking positive. Tell your fucking story. Start going around to schools telling people what not to do. I don't know what you should do, but don't do what I did, right? That's like country lyrics, they always. They're always doing that shit. Like I was thinking on the drive over here talking about this person in front of me was driving so slow, I was like, jesus Christ, you got all the time in the world. I'm like, that's such like a country lyric that they would flip around, you know, I got all the time in the world and I don't want to go on living, you know? You see, it's a juxtaposition there, you know what I mean? It's like I got all this time in my hands, but I don't want any time because I'm. My woman left me. Or something like that, right? It's like when a bull wants to a cow but ain't running around but a pig. You know what I mean? It's one of those type of things. I would just stare into it, sir. I would turn it into entertaining stories and somehow tell them. But I'm also a comedian. That that's what the I would do. Other than that I would stay away from your ex wife and I don't know. I don't know what to do with your son. Try to set a better example by not blowing all your money on lottery tickets. Maybe that's that's the thing, I don't know. Sorry you're in that situation. If you actually are. All right. Text sent to the wrong person at work. Oh Jesus, this is never good. Dear Billy Graham Cracker Tits. I never thought I'd be in a situation where I needed to write into you like this, but here I am in a pinch. For the last couple of years, certain people at my work have been getting very relaxed with their work ethic and punctuality. So much so that another co worker and I have written an album of songs about its absurdity. Since our office is. Well, maybe you can write a song about the guy who just wrote in above me. You know, you guys, you know, then you go on American Idol. I don't know. Anyway, since ours is an office of about 10 people, everybody's job directly relates to everyone else's and it puts extra strain on the rest of us. Recently, two of the worst offenders, both ladies, not that it matters, have actually, but I mentioned it, have actually gotten promotions for some reason. With that said, this morning I noticed one of the ladies accomplished a quote task in our project manager to bring food to an office potluck lunch. Being the snarky asshole I am, I took a screenshot to send to my like minded co worker with the text quote think. And then the person's name is going a little overboard here. Somehow she only creates to do she can get done. Can't get shit done for work, but for food. The bitch is all over it. When I didn't hear back from him after 10 minutes, I felt this first wave of panic. I knew it immediately. The text had been sent to the lady. Yeah. Cause what happens is you're thinking about that person and you're thinking about their name and oh my God, we've all done this. Completely flustered. I sent a flurry of apology texts but she didn't respond. All this was happening around 8:30, which is when people are supposed to arrive. This worker usually shows up around 9:45 or 10, but that's beside the point. What? Can you unsend a text? I don't know. Does some nerd know how to do that? Anyways, after I didn't hear from her, I checked the calendar and saw that she was on vacation for the next ten days. Oh no. But I know she got the text and now I'm worried about what she thinks and whether it's going to be weird in the office. What do I do? She's not a bad person. You called her a bitch too And I have to work with her regularly. Before realizing she was out, I already bought flowers and put them on her desk in order to cover the stench of my own failure. Now dude, you can't because she knows what you really think. I'm guessing I shouldn't leave them there and let her come back to dead flag flowers either. Congratulations on your baby girl and of course your latest special. Sincerely, I done up. Where is she? On vacation. And is there a way to unsend all of those text messages? That's what I would try to do over the next 10 days. I would not apologize anymore. I would not give flowers. And this is what you got to do. Dude, you got a man up. And when she calls you out on it, be like, yep, I was. I'm not going to tell you who I was sending it to. Don't rat out the other person on any fucking level. Do not rat out the other person, you piece of shit. If you do it, do not rat them out. I would actually say I was actually sending it to this girl I know who doesn't work here. Okay, just say that. And I always bitch to her about people at work. And when she calls you out, I would just say, listen, you know what, no sense sugar coating it. You're supposed to be here at 8:30, you show up at 9:45, 10:00, you're dogging it. You're setting a bad example. And I like working hard. And that text came from the frustration of watching you working, setting the example of not working up to your potential. It makes it a bad experience out here. So that's why I did it. If you're mad at me, I understand. But you know I stand by that text message. I shouldn't have called you a bitch. I was just saying that the way, you know, Richard Pryor says it. I was just trying to be funny. But you know, you showing up an hour and 15 to an hour and a half late every day is not good for the morale around the office. That's what. That's where that came from. So there you go. And I'm sorry I sent it to you. But you know, that's it. Fuck it, Fuck it. That's all. That's the only card you got to play. Be like, yeah, I sent it. Although you did fucking put your hat in your hand and apologize. Oh boy. Can you please write back and let me know how it pans out? I'd love to know. All right, with that. That is the podcast for this week. I'll check in on you on Thursday. And this time next week, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona, doing two shows a night at a commodity club, also known as a comedy club, and be fucking polishing up this fucking hour so I can go on the road, not embarrass myself like this guy did with his text message. You poor bastard. We've all been there. You know what? Even the lady that you. You're writing to, I bet she's done it, too, but she's letting you squirm. Or. Or she's in Aruba or she's someplace where she didn't get the text message. Maybe you can undo it. Maybe you can fucking undo what was already done. This is. This is another fucking movie. This is a fucking movie. This is like Weekend at Bernie's meets Steve Jobs fucking. One of those things when we used to walk out and be like, look, now you can swipe text, and everybody's like, oh, my God, Right? That's what you do if you get fired, sir, you should write a fucking script. Write a fucking script about somebody who sent the wrong text message to their boss. Send a text message to the wrong person, that person's on vacation, okay? And then eventually you're gonna have to fly down there. You know, that You. You can co star with the guy with the eyes. He always did the eyes thing that he got from fucking Al Pacino. What was. What was the name of that actor he was in about last? Andrew McCarthy. Right, you guys, maybe he can fucking executive produce it. See that. That's the great thing about entertainment. No matter how bad you fuck up, it makes. The more you fuck up in your personal life, the more material you get as a comedian. You get a script out of it. I don't know. You don't sound fulfilled. Maybe. Maybe you could be a script writer. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Thursday.