North Carolina, Jokes, Bankruptcy | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-10-26

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary

Episode: North Carolina, Jokes, Bankruptcy | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-10-26
Date: April 10, 2026
Host: Bill Burr (with co-host/guest contributions)
Theme: Rants and reflections on travels, comedy, sports, American bankruptcy, development, drummers, and listener advice

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Bill Burr delivers his signature blend of comedy, personal storytelling, sports fanaticism, and rants on modern life. The central thread is Burr’s recent trip to North Carolina for a Bruins vs. Hurricanes game and his stand-up shows, but the episode quickly expands to his observations on American culture, bankruptcy, gentrification, music, and listener relationship questions—always keeping the tone irreverent, personal, and brutally honest.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. North Carolina Reflections & Bruins Game Experience (01:28 – 06:59)

• Opening Mood: Burr’s tiredness sets the tone: “It's about 6am...Tired, dude...I got back from North Carolina.”
• Bruins vs. Hurricanes Game:
  • Burr can’t get the stadium’s theme song out of his head:

    “North Carolina, come on and raise up. I cannot get it out of my head...I am not in North Carolina. So there's no reason to be singing. Evidently, that's their state song.” (02:07)

  • Game breakdown with comedic frustration over the overtime 3-on-3 format.
  • Hilarious interaction with a Hurricanes fan who apologized as her team took the lead:

    “She goes, I'm sorry. I just go, no, you're not.” (04:38)

  • Props to Hurricanes’ gameplay and a self-aware admission of only following his own team.

2. Comedy Shows & Demographic Realizations (11:29 – 13:06)

• Performing in Durham:
  • Burr notes a diverse audience and realizes email marketing had pigeonholed his audience:

    “I finally realized that...The way I've been getting promoted...is just like fucking white comic white email blasts.” (12:04)

• Comedy Process:
  • First show: Tight, practiced set.
  • Second show: “Just bananas,” with Burr improvising and embracing more musical, jazz-inspired spontaneity:

    “It's almost like you got to be a little arrogant...just sort of letting it fly.” (14:13)

3. North Carolina Nostalgia, Community, and Food (15:13 – 17:36)

• Old Friends: Every tour stop, friends from high school pop up, making reunions unnecessary.
• Southern Food Review:
  • Rave review for Dame’s Chicken and Waffles, esp. the cheesy grits:

    “The waffle blew me away...And then the cheesy grits...When you have something just perfect and you eat it...then it sort of haunts you for a couple weeks.” (15:13)

4. Regional Change, Gentrification, and Development (17:37 – 19:51)

• Discussion of “Cary” (Concentrated Area of Relocated Yankees).
• Gentrification/Growth:
  • Critique of developers destroying unique places for bland, unaffordable housing:

    “They just keep knocking down places where people went and did something and then they just put up just the ugliest, stupid fucking building with a bunch of apartments nobody can afford.” (18:45)

5. Banter on American Bankruptcy & Political Cynicism (19:25 – 20:11)

• The U.S. is bankrupt:

  >“This country has been bankrupt since...we went in and claimed there was some country in the Middle east...We're bankrupt. We've been bankrupt since before Obama...” (19:31)
  

  -
  >“If any one of us was running our lives the way these politicians are running this country, we'd be homeless, we'd be in debtor's prison.” (19:59)

6. Riffs on Car Culture, Urban Ennui & Synthetic Heroin (21:06 – 24:58)

• Classic Cars vs. Soulless Apartments:
  • Burr raves about classic American cars, contrasts with ugly modern apartment developments.
• Social Commentary, Satire:
  • On the surrounding “research triangle”—

    “That's pharmaceutical companies. They're up there making synthetic heroin and robots you can fucking right...But if you're a comedian and you say the wrong thing...You got 90 days [of punishment]. Which you can make synthetic heroin and kill like half a million of your own countrymen. Nobody even knows your name.” (22:33)

7. Gigs, Connections, and Appreciation (25:18 – 26:53)

• Thanks local venues and cigar bars; continues the theme of connecting with people from all walks and ages, from college students to older fans.

8. Petty Annoyances: Coffee Shop Slogans and Musical Pedantry (27:06 – 29:24)

• Making Fun of Coffee Shop Platitudes:

  “The chorus of a day always sounds flat without its quarter note. I immediately thought of Ron Burgundy. I was like, that doesn't make sense.” (27:11)

• Amused frustration with shallow corporate attempts at authenticity.

9. Tribute to Drumming Legend James Gadson (29:24 – 32:39)

• Heartfelt eulogy for the legendary drummer:

  “If you are a drummer and you're not familiar with James Gadson, I'm almost like jealous because when you discover that guy...how can somebody be this good?” (30:43)

• Highlights Gadson’s legacy with Bill Withers, Jackson 5, and influence on other drummers.

10. Listener Questions & Relationship/Life Advice (102:10 – 111:28)

• Handling a last-minute date cancellation:

  “I would just write back, just say...If one little spat like that makes you think about breaking up with me, I kind of feel like you're not that into me anyway. So before one of us really gets hurt, let's just...end as friends.” (102:47)

• Interracial dating and family tension:

  “That's a fucking major issue...I would pump the brakes on the ring until you work that out...Because this is the thing. You don't marry her. You marry her family. And if her family hates you, dude, you're gonna be miserable.” (107:09)

11. Extended Sports Rants (54:05 – 82:20)

• Detour into sports and pop culture:
  • Revitalization in midwestern towns (‘the natty’, ‘the berg’)
  • Social insights on gentrification, city change
  • Commentary on the experience of flying, the airline loyalty myth
  • F1 race analysis, Lewis Hamilton critique:

    “He reminds me of Peyton Manning early in his career, always fucking finger pointing...He was on the mediums, the other guy was on the super soft...” (76:51)

  • Amused reflections on women in sports broadcasts:

    “Most of broads can't get it over the plate. Guys are just better at shit, right?...That's right. You got a husband at home. I'll slap the shit out of you, you dumb bitch.” (69:21)

12. Reflections on Virtues, Vices & Sobriety (73:12 – 76:51)

• Burr shares his journey on cutting vices, sobriety, and uses references from games (snakes and ladders) as an allegory for life improvement.

13. Endnote: Peace, Love, and Musical Outro (113:06 – end)

• The episode closes with a poetic, musical segment themed around kindness and unity:

  “The hardest thing besides love is cowardice. You want to be brave...Peace and love is the toughest, hardest thing you can do. Build a bridge, it's where the courage is. Shine your light.” (113:58)

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Notable Quotes / Memorable Moments

• On hockey culture:

  “All the best players in the NHL right now are from the fucking United States. All the top players, and even a stupid Tim Hortons eaten donut Canadian. You can't argue that.” (06:42)

• On American sports announcers:

  “I love a homer fucking announcer, and I cannot stand when fans get upset by that. I fucking love it.” (07:19)

• On gentrification:

  “They just keep knocking down places where people went and did something and then they just put up just the ugliest, stupid fucking building with a bunch of apartments nobody can afford.” (18:45)

• On American bankruptcy:

  “We've been bankrupt since before Obama came in. We were hopelessly bankrupt.” (19:51)

• On relationship advice:

  “You don't marry her. You marry her family. And if her family hates you, dude, you're gonna be miserable.” (107:09)

• On career and creativity:

  “You sort of hoard every funny thing you said when you first start out...and then after a while, you just kind of like that. Whatever. I can't remember. I'll think of something else.” (14:13)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• North Carolina trip & Bruins game: 01:28 – 06:59
• Comedy in Durham, crowd diversity: 11:29 – 13:06
• Southern food and nostalgia: 15:13 – 17:36
• Development, gentrification rant: 17:37 – 20:11
• Synthetic heroin, robot factories (Research Triangle riff): 22:33 – 24:58
• Coffee shop slogan roast: 27:06 – 29:24
• James Gadson tribute: 29:24 – 32:39
• Relationship/life advice: ~102:10 – 111:28
• Extended sports and city revitalization: 54:05 – 82:20
• Virtue, vice, and sobriety reflections: 73:12 – 76:51
• Peace, love, and poetic outro: 113:06 – end

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Tone & Style

• Language: Raw and direct, liberally laced with swearing and comedic exaggeration.
• Tone: Candid, self-deprecating, observant, and often absurdly philosophical.
• Structure: Stream-of-consciousness, moving between stories, rants, and asides, interspersed with advertisements.

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For Listeners New and Old

Whether recounting an overtime hockey loss, remembering the taste of perfectly made grits, eulogizing an underappreciated drummer, or skewering American politics and development, Bill Burr keeps things just as irreverently insightful as ever. This episode is a mosaic of grumpy wisdom and observational comedy, unfailingly honest and unexpectedly touching in its moments of nostalgia and advice.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

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[Bill Burr]

hey, what's going on?

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm not gonna yell this week. It's Friday morning. It's about 6. It's about 6am 6:04 if you want to get technical. Tired, dude, you know, you know what I'm saying? It's just like I got back from North Carolina.

[Bill Burr]

North Carolina, Come on, a raise up.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Jesus Christ. I went to the Bruins Hurricanes game and anytime the Carolina Hurricanes did something, they would play that old rap song,

[Bill Burr]

North Carolina, come on and raise up.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I cannot, cannot get it out of my head and. And I'm starting to lose my fucking mind because I went to that game Tuesday night and it's Friday. Friday fucking morning. It's Friday fucking morning. I'm in California. I am not in North Carolina. So there's no reason to be singing. Evidently, that's their state song. Oh, Billy Freckles went to the Carolina Hurricanes Bruins game. We lost 6 to 5, 3 on 3 overtime, which you got to hand it to these just Coaches of any league, there's any sort of new rule or whatever, they just figure it out. They figure it out and they come up with the fucking system. And then all of a sudden, the league has to change it again. Three on three. Hockey was fucking amazing in overtime. It was fucking so goddamn exciting. I don't know what happened in the last six months. Now all of a sudden, if you lose, you never get the puck back. Like, they deliberately take it back outside the zone. They cycle it around from, like, the red line in. It's amazing to watch as far as, like, just how they figured that out. We never touched the puck, and then they came in anyway. We were up one nothing, I think. And then. Or we tied it one one.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Then it was two to one after the first period.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Then they scored three in a row. So what did that make it? They were up like 5 to 3 at some point, something like that. They would just score them in goddamn bunches. So we pull our goalie, Swayman, and the other guy. Can I. Kipper Salo? There's been too many kipper softs, Kucha, whatever. You know, I can't ever remember, right? So they bring that guy, and that guy just becomes lights out. We tie it up five to five, and all of a sudden, they're their fans. Shut up.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Some lady, when they went up five

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

to three, looks at me, she was smiling.

[Bill Burr]

She goes, I'm sorry.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I just go, no, you're not.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

And I smiled.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I thought it would make her laugh, but she kind of turned around abruptly.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Southern people are weird.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

You know what I mean? They're, like, super nice, but also not really offended by slavery. You know, I. I can't figure. You just never know where you stand by them or with them, I should say. So anyway. And I'm sitting there watching the Hurricanes going like, this is a solid hockey team. Their power play is amazing. Their penalty kill is even better. Right at the beginning of the game, one of my buddies that I went to the game with was going, I was talking about one guy in the Hurricanes going, dude, that guy has four shorthanded goals. There's teams that don't have that. And I found out they had the most shorthanded goals. I also found out they have the most points in the NHL. So me being impressed with them was pretty silly. I don't pay. I don't look at the standings. I just watch my team. That's all I do. So what's his face Pasta? Had some. He had two amazing assists to geeky Morgan. Geeky and I was thinking, all right, you know, but you know, we have to, like, we were playing catch up the whole goddamn game. And anyways, then the overtime comes, we lose the draw, we never get the puck back. Just did not get it back. And. And that was it. They scored about a minute and a half in. We lose six to five. Still got a point.

[Bill Burr]

We still.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

We still have like 94 points. It's all right, man. You can't complain about that compared to where the hell we were last year, missing the goddamn playoffs. So anyway, then you also have to love that, like, you know that kid on whatever those fucking name is on. On. The Montreal Canadiens just scored his 50th goal. America.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

America.

[Bill Burr]

You gotta love that.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

All the best players in the NHL right now are from the fucking United States. All the top players, and even a stupid Tim Hortons eaten donut Canadian. You can't argue that. Let's go around the league, all right?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

We'll go.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

We'll go player for player, and I'll match you and my list will keep going and yours is going to stop.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

You guys got Connor McDavid. Just kidding. I just want to get some Canadian people upset.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Oh, what's he talking about? That's still my favorite thing I heard all year. Oh, and posternachs like, how did that go in? Is that what Posnock's saying? How did that go in? I love a homer fucking announcer, and I cannot stand when fans get upset by that. I fucking love it. It's the funniest shit ever. They're telling you something that is, that isn't, or they're trying to spin it in a positive way when you know they're full of shit. You know, that guy lost the fight. And they go, you know, they just. What did they say the other night that Flyers won? Tanner Jeanneau clearly beat the other guy. And the guy tried to say it was a fucking draw or whatever, said, oh, they both got gas there at the end. Oh, did they? Joe had like four fucking right hands in a row to the guy's face. And then they were both gassed. I love that shit. It's funny in. In sports. It's not funny in politics.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

That's why I don't watch the news and everything. Because they'll fucking tell you, you know,

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

they'll tell you that a country is threatening you, is a threat to us, when you clearly know it isn't just to get some fucking pedophile story off the front page. They'll do stuff like, that's not Funny, but watching a guy get punched in the face four fucking times and then the refs break it up and somebody be like, ah, they're both gas there at the end. Oh, heck of a toe save by Mountain blow. Anyway, so that, that game that I went to, that was it. That was the last professional sports franchise

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

and all four sports I needed to go to and it was astoundingly anti climactic. That was awesome. I want to thank the people at the Hurricanes organization for getting us some great seats and everything, treating us awesome. It was crazy. I didn't realize that that arena, I thought it was up the street from NC State. It's kind of like. Well, maybe the campus it is, but it's. It's right there on NC State's campus, right across the way from their football stadium, which I remember all these years before. Like in like August or September of 1987, I went to NC State, North Carolina, UNC football game there. And it's kind of a weird situation. Like I was living in Massachusetts and I thought I was going to go to like, I forget, I can't remember where. Northeastern or something. I can't even remember. I can't even remember. And then all of a sudden I was in, you know, some family. All of a sudden I was in North Carolina and classes had started like a week ago. I'm like, what, what am I doing?

[Bill Burr]

And

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

anyway, I went down to that, I went to that game and that was still when in the end zone. I was sitting on the grass. They didn't even have seats. I got a grass seat like as I was. I was at Great Wood woods or some. So all those memories came back. Hillsborough street. There was a restaurant down there called Daryl's, some little chain or whatever. And what I also didn't realize was that there was a comedy club right down the way. Good Nights Comedy Club, which people always called Charlie Good Nights. I guess the restaurant was Charlie's and the, and the, the comedy club was Good Nights. I don't know. I don't know, but

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I thought I was going to graduate there and it turns out I ended up being a comedian. So who knew? Who the hell knew? So we ended up going there. We had two shows in Durham and had a great mix of people come out to the crowd, which is fucking great. I finally realized that I've been. That I. The way I've been getting promoted. You know, this country is just like fucking white. Comic white email blasts. So like

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

then I would be walking around town And I would run into somebody who wasn't white, and they would be like, oh, my God, I'm a big fan. Are you doing a show around here? I'd be like, yeah, I did one last night. I had no idea. So now I'm trying to do a

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

broader scope of an email blast. So everybody knows. Everybody knows that I'm coming. So that's what it was like. I did two shows, which I hadn't done in a long time, and I could not have had a better time. The first show was very, like, getting ready to do a special. The act was tight, wire to wire.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, God, I gotta stop doing these early. I know I'm making you guys yawn.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I'm sorry. I just gotta make breakfast for the kids and take them to school and do all that here in about 10 minutes. Not 10 minutes. I got more time on that. Don't say that, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Don't freak me out.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Yeah, so the first show was, like, really tight or whatever. Like, I was psyched, you know, I didn't have to glance at the piece of paper or nothing like that to try to remember the order. And the next show was just bananas. The second show, the 10:30, I came out and because of the faces I saw in the front row, a nice mix of people, it caused me to think of a joke that I was doing, like, 50 minutes into my act, and I just was like, I'm a. This one feels right. I'm gonna do this one and then see what happens. And the whole. My whole act got, like, inverted. And then the way I went to joke, to joke changed and said a bunch of. I had never said before. Granted, I wasn't taping it, but I don't give a. Remember a long time ago, I used to be into that, taping your sets. You know, I'm not saying don't do that. If you're a younger comic, you should definitely do that. But I used to, like, you sort of hoard every funny thing you said when you first start out, and then after a while, you just kind of like that.

[Bill Burr]

Whatever.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I can't remember. I'll think of something else. It's almost like you got to be a little arrogant, if that makes sense. I kind of learned that from watching, like, musicians who every night they would play the same song, but they never played it the same way, and they weren't recording it. Being like, okay, I gotta play it. That, brother, that little improvised thing I did, now that has to become a part of the song. And I have to. You know, and then I can be back between my ears again as opposed to just sort of letting it fly. So the way that they would do that, I was just like, I should be more like that. When I was in high school, if I said something funny during lunch, I didn't think, like, okay, I gotta write that down. I gotta make sure I say that again. Say that again at tomorrow's lunch. And it's like, well, no, I'm. It's the same crowd. So I couldn't.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I didn't worry about it. But they also. No one was paying to see me eat lunch. Oh, you know something that's. That's when. That's when the innocent goes.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

That's when the innocence goes away. When you get older. Anyway, so also had another bonus was a friend of mine from when I went to high school came out. That's why I never really need to go to high school reunion. So when I go out and do my shows, invariably, like, it feels like every third show there's somebody I went to high school with hit me up, come out. We get caught up. It's pretty cool. And then also, I went to Dame's Chickens and Waffles, my favorite waffle in the country. And I got a side of, you know, I'm in the South, I got to do it right. I got a side a cheesy grits that had a little bit of heat to them. And that might have been the first time I went there. The waffle blew me away the second time. This time I had a waffle with the chicken cutlet and the chicken cutlet with the sauce that I got. And then the cheesy grits. Oh, my God, I remember the cheesy grits. I was thinking like these, you know, when you have something that just is just perfect and you, you eat it, it's amazing. But then it sort of haunts you for a couple of weeks, if not a couple of months. You just walking around thinking about it. Like that song that won't get out of my North Carolina. That won't get out of my head.

[Musical guest or poet (performing a song or spoken word)]

I

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

yeah, if you're in the Raleigh Durham area, you gotta check out Dame's Chicken and Waffles, man. I I two thumbs up. And everybody there was really, really cool, very nice, including the owner. So, of course, was telling my lovely wife, you know, she does her at the table show. I'm like, you know, if you're ever in North Carolina, that's definitely one you got to go to. So anyway, so obviously the whole area has changed I lived in Carrie a long time ago and over 30 years ago, 38 years ago, 39 years ago, hell. Oh, Billy was 19 years old. Yeah.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So I was talking to some of

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

the people down there, said, yeah, I used to live in Cary, and they used to call it Carrie, stood for concentrated area of Relocated Yankees. And they're like. They're like, oh, yeah, people still say that. People still say that. And I met somebody else, I want to say, one of my buddies, friends, Dean Del Rey, who has all, like, new stuff, man, he's killing it, man. It's awesome. I love working with comedians that keep writing. You know what I mean? It inspires you. So anyway, one of their friends came and they said, like, oh, do they give you shit for being a Yankee down here? I remember they did that when I. When I was living down here. She goes, no. She goes, my neighbors were like, yeah, we don't care about you as long as you're not from New York.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I was like, yeah, you know, I

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

love New Yorkers, but they're a little tough to stomach once they get outside of New York.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

All they do is they just. Everywhere they go, they just say it sucks because it's not New York. And you just kind of like, well, then why don't you just go back to New York?

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Because I will tell you, we drove all over the fucking place. We went to, you know, NC State to do the show, and then we drove over to Chapel Hill because I had a later flight because I wanted to take a direct flight back to la. And that part of the country is absolutely gorgeous. But I will say, the same thing that's happened into LA happened out there with these fucking developers. They just keep knocking down places where people went and did something and then they just put up just the ugliest, stupid fucking building with a bunch of

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

apartments nobody can afford. I'm telling you, there's something going on there where, you know, this country has

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

been bankrupt since the last time we went in and claimed that there was some country in the Middle east that was a threat. And we never found any of the

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

shit that we said that was there. And we're still there. We're bankrupt. We've been bankrupt. We've been bankrupt since before Obama came in.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

We were hopelessly bankrupt.

[Bill Burr]

And we're still.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

It's.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I just try not to think about

[Bill Burr]

it,

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

but I swear to God, if. If any one of us was running our lives the way these politicians are running this country, yeah, we would be

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

homeless, we'd be in debtor's prison.

[Bill Burr]

But anyways, they just

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

the area that I saw, okay, some of the most

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

beautiful old buildings I've ever seen. And then just the ugliest.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

They don't even make sense.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Like we went to this one place for coffee

[Bill Burr]

and.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Oh my God, it was a good cup of coffee too. Oh, that was the other day. We went to this place for coffee and we come out and I look at this apartment building. It was next to this, this car shop that was building all of these killer cars. Like they had a four door Oldsmobile over there that was almost like the Chevy Biscayne versus the Impala or whatever.

[Bill Burr]

Or was.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

This was the Chevy? Yeah, it was sort of like, you know, you want the, the, the son wanted the dad to go out or the parents to go out and go buy like the, the 442 Oldsmobile Cutlass supreme or whatever. And instead they bought the sensible, you know, not as powerful probably V8 four door sedan. Car was gorgeous. And it reminded me of one of my favorite cars I've ever seen is, is the one that Dirty Harry drives in the first one, he has like a midnight blue Ford Custom. You can't even find him anymore because all the hot rod guys only wanted

[Bill Burr]

the two door cars.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

So now I think maybe some of those four do.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I get really frustrated with car magazines.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I'll get back.

[Bill Burr]

What, Let me, let me get back to what I was doing.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So we walk out of the coffee

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

shop, we see that place with all the classic cars.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

We go over there and right next

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

to it was this fucking apartment building.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Like I can't even tell you the colors.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

It was like, like a dark blue

[Bill Burr]

and then a light gray. And then every window was framed with bright orange. It was just like what, what is was that?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Just leftover materials. The cheapest paint you could find. It's horrendous. Absolutely soulless.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Then I love how they have like balconies and every unit looks the exact fucking same. Like the hotel we were staying at

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

right near the airport had like warehouses and everything.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

And they were just, they just built

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

like the same warehouse 10 times in a row. No windows. That's the, that's a research triangle up there. That's pharmaceutical companies. They're up there making synthetic heroin and robots. You can fucking right that's what they got going on there. The nerds, Weird science. That's what they're doing and nobody's stopping them. You know what I mean? But if you're a comedian and you say the wrong thing or do a festival where they don't want you to do it. You, you got 90 days of. Which you can make synthetic heroin and kill like half a million of your own countrymen. Nobody even knows your name. Making your way in the world today. Takes everything you got. Making synthetic heroin all fucking day long. Don't tell me that you're not. Then you fucking kill a bunch of people. Sometimes you wanna go when nobody knows your name do do do do. Because all the bodies look the same.

[Bill Burr]

Boo boo boo.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You want to make some robots you can stick your dick in? Nobody cares because you don't have any windows in your warehouse. Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway,

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

kind of a little nuts there. So we go into this, that car shop, and they were just all over the map in a great way. They had this old, like Chrysler Imperial. Imperial. They had this killer Porsche. Then they had like a Thunderbird, like a 1950s Thunderbird. Then they had like a Dodge Viper. I mean, they just had. They had a Jeep Willys. I mean, they just had everything, like a little bit of everything. And every car was, was amazing. We just kind of like talked cars with them for a while or whatever. And I was mentioning, I goes, you know, I'm sliding into 60 in my 60s. I want to have a 67 Cadillac El Dorado. And they were like, we'll find you one. So the only thing I don't like

[Bill Burr]

about the car is it.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

It's front wheel drive. I'm kind of not into that. And they're like, we can change that.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I was like, all right. I like these guys. These guys are cool. So anyway, I was. The day before, I was at this, this coffee shop.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

And this just struck me as so goddamn funny where they had this. Oh, and I also got to thank the venue, D Pack Chopra. I played the D Pack and they gave me this really, really cool cigar box where they had etched in the. The state of North Carolina on top of. It was really nice, man. It was really, really nice.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Oh, and then I also.

[Bill Burr]

What am I talking about?

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I also went to an amazing cigar bar when I was out there. The Tinderbox or something like that. That one.

[Bill Burr]

I.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

What the fuck was the name of that one? And I ran it.

[Bill Burr]

You know what's great?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I'm all over the map here, people. I did a gig right the day before.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I went to the, To North Carolina.

[Bill Burr]

North Carolina.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I. I did a gig at USC

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

on the college campus. And it was basically, you know, it was a. It was a benefit, but there was

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

college students there and it was My first, essentially college gig.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I hadn't done a college gig in, like, 20 years. I was going like, oh, man. Like, these kids, they're gonna think I'm a cornball. Blah, blah. And I went out and I got this really great round of applause. So these young kids still give a. Know who I am. Made me feel good. And then when I went to that cigar lounge the next day in North Carolina, there was a guy like my age, a little bit older. He's like, oh, my God, Bill Burr. I love you, man. So we're like, all right, man.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

We got some tickets for the second show. You want to go?

[Bill Burr]

He's like, yeah.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So I was like, all right. That's a good. That's a nice wide Bertha people.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Whatever.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So, anyway, we go to this.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

We go to this coffee shop, quarter note, right? Lovely people working there. Delicious coffee and everything.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

But I. I do take Umbridge.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Is that.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

That the right way to say it? They have a sign in their wall. It says, the chorus of a day always sounds flat without its quarter note. And I immediately thought of Ron Burgundy.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I was like, that doesn't make sense.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

The chorus of a day always sounds flat without its quarter note. A quarter note is not a note, per se. It's a measure of music. Like, I. I don't know any music theater theory. But, like, when you play a G chord, there's different notes. Like, G is in it. It starts and ends with G, and then there's different notes in it that give you the G note. A quarter note is just like.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

It's just.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You're just counting. So it wouldn't make it sound flat. And that just reeked of, like, corporate trying to sound like they have a soul when they're really soulless. And then they just alligator armed the

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

creative budget on that one.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

That's like people who just have a

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

casual knowledge, I think, of music or whatever. Not like, I have a greater knowledge.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

But I do know that a quarter

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

note is just a measure. You wouldn't. That has nothing to do if something sounds flat. Something would sound flat because you.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

If you were singing, you. You didn't quite get there. Or if you were playing an instrument

[Bill Burr]

and it was flat, is it sounds

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

flat because you played the wrong note.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

It has nothing to do if you

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

played a quarter, an eighth, or whatever. Whatever. So it sounds good, though, doesn't it? The chorus of a. Of a day always sounds flat without its quarter note. You're like, yes, I do need this cup of coffee. Like, I guess that's what I was supposed to do.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I don't know. It was good coffee though. I will say that. Speaking of quarter notes and speaking of music, this was a sad one. James Gadson, one of my favorite drummers of all time, passed away last week.

[Bill Burr]

And

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

that guy's contribution to music, the amount of people that he influenced is just immeasurable. He played with Bill Withers, he just always had a smile on his face. Just absolutely, absolutely killed it. And trying to think of some of my favorite tracks. Jackson 5, dancing, dancing, dancing, that quick dance machine, that song, Kissing my love. His one handed 16th notes. I've always been telling you, trying to. The Gadson 16th. And all of those guys that came up, Jeff Picaro, rest his soul. All of those guys in the amazing studio system that. Not studio system, sorry, studio scene that was out here in LA in like the 70s and 8, 60s, 70s and 80s or whatever. But they were all, all those drummers were influenced by him and

[Bill Burr]

just one

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

of the most killer groups of anybody ever. And oh man, it just sucks. But anyways, he was also close to 90, so he had an amazing run and his music will live on. But like if you are a drummer and you're not familiar with James Gadson, I'm almost like jealous because when you discover that guy you just like, like how can somebody be this good? So I don't know, it's sad. But he did have a great run. So now I think everyone from that band is gone. I think the guitar player, the bass player, Bill Withers, died the last. I can't even remember anymore. James, I think was the last one. And I remember reading an article, this is really sad, was he had a snare drum that Miles Davis gave him and somebody stole it from him and he thought it was some. A friend or something like that. I could just remember watching him talking about how emotional he got about it. I'm like, man, somebody should just give that drum back to that guy. Anyway, I gotta read some fucking advertisements here. Oh, also, I gotta let you guys know the Patrice o' Neill comedy benefit is coming up on Tuesday. I want to say April 28th. Oh my God, it's coming right back up again. Yeah, Tuesday, April 28th. There's still some tickets left. Every year this happens about 10 days out, then we get a flood of people and the last hundred or so tickets get sold. So if you want to go, you got a small window here. We have a great lineup as always. And we have Rich Voss, who really is, as much as he shits on everybody, is really One of the nicest people in comedy.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

He really is.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

At the end of the day. He wouldn't be making a face right now, but he's a fucking sweetheart of a guy and he has hosted every single one of them. And I also put it together with the amazingly talented Maureen Tarrant. She's the engine behind the whole thing. So definitely come down. It's for a great cause. We take care of Patrice's mom. Okay. All right, we got some advertising here.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Normal, everybody. From the creator of John Wick. And nobody comes. The new movie normal. A double barreled shotgun blast of pure mayhem.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I've seen the first two. I love these.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

For sheriff Ulysses, played by Bob Odenkirk. Know that dude? I did Broadway with him. It's not Bob Odenkirk.

[Bill Burr]

The.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

The Tony nominated actor Bob Odenkirk who absolutely crushed his Shelley Levine I put right up there with Jack Lemons. Anyways, he's playing sheriff Ulysses, played by Bob Odenkirk. A new job as temporary sheriff in the quaint town of Normal, Minnesota was meant to be a welcome respite from recent troubles. Yeah, he had a hell of a time with that carnival.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

The last one.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

But when a botched bank robbery interrupts the piece, a dark secret is explode exposed and Ulysses discovers that the town is anything but its namesake.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

This is when the movie becomes fun.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I love how unapologetically just packed with

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

all that action stuff from like the 80s. The last one was. These are such fun movies if you haven't seen them yet. Suddenly everyone is trying to shoot the

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

sheriff and he has to rely on

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

his wits and some crooks if he's to survive the night. And that's all before the. Oh, man, I'm gonna go see this. This is all before the Yakuza.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Is that how you say it?

[Bill Burr]

Show up.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Y, A K U, Z A. That's the.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

The Japanese mafia.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Starring Bob Odenkirk, Henry Winkler and Lena Heady.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I don't have my glasses.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

See it only in theaters starting April 17th. I am all over that movie.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Henry Winkler, another sweetheart of a guy he came out to. He came out to Glengarry and I had met him when he was on Barry with Bill Hader and he's also a fellow Emerson graduate. And I was saying how I wanted to go back and, you know, talk to the kids in the comedy department. And he was like, so go.

[Bill Burr]

Just go over there.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I'll tell you right now, you could go over there and just say, hello,

[Bill Burr]

I am Bill Burgess.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Just went in there's like, oh, my God, this guy, he's just a sweetheart. He's the nicest guy ever. And he was right. I did. I called up Emerson and I went over there and I had a great time. I got to go back, though. Anyway, see it only in theaters starting April 17th. All right. Fast Growing Trees, everybody. Did you know Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees and plants and

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

over 2 million happy customers.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You didn't know that? Well, where you been? They have all the plants for your yacht or your home needs, including fruit trees. Hi, fellas. Privacy trees. Get the fuck out of here. Flowering trees. All the trees are brown. Shrubs, potheads and houseplants. Could you just take care of these

[Bill Burr]

while I'm on the road?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

All grown with the care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. Well, isn't that a fucking given? What are you gonna give me, a dead bush?

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Sounds like an insulting thing. Name you'd call a woman. How is she in bed? Man, she was a dead bush.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Plus, get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape, choose the right plants and learn how to care for them every step,

[Bill Burr]

step of the way.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You don't need a big yard or a lot of space.

[Bill Burr]

You can grow.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I love this. You can grow lemon, avocado, olive or fig trees indoors, along with a wide variety of house plants, all grown with care and hand selected to thrive in your home. Can I grow coffee? Coffee beans? Can I do that? I kind of feel like considering nobody's going to do anything about global warming because lizard people run the world and they say that like coffee and chocolate are going to go away. What about if you have like, you know, rather than central air conditioning, you're going to have like, like old school earth climate in your house and you'll be able to grow like chocolate and coffee beans. We're just going to be inside with these robots and refrigerators that have screens with advertising on them unless you pay a fee. Anyway, get all your plants you need without the messy car or the trip to the garden center. Right now they have a. They have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off on selected plants. And listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when using the code burr at checkout. That's an additional 20% off. Better plants and better growing. @fasttrees.com using the code burr at checkout fast growingtrees.com burr imagine that being in your kitchen going, I need some lemon juice. And just picking a fresh Lemon right off the tree. Like your Adam or Eve or Adam and Steve or even Guinev

[Bill Burr]

or used

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

to be Adam, now Eve or Eve. I think I want to be Steve. I covered everybody. Now's the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use bird to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. Momentous everybody. You know, when people talk about energy, recovering and performance, they usually jump straight to training, protein or supplements. But one of the most overlooked pieces is gut health. That is where momentous fiber comes in.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, you can be shitting your brains out.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Momentous Fiber plus addresses one of the most overlooked foundations of long term performance and that is gut health. Fiber is not just about digestion.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

It's.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

It's a key driver of gut health which directly impacts nutrient absorption, energy stability, recovery focus, mood and overall performance. That's why Momentous believes in a relentless commitment to fundamentals and doing them differently than they have ever been done before. Fiber plus is built to support the entire gut health process, not just one piece of this. Momentous fiber plus is a complete 3 in 1 formula was soluble fiber, insoluble fiber and prebiotic research resistant starch. This combination is designed to support your gut health from start to finish by feeding beneficial gut bacteria, improving digestion and help stabilizing blood sugar or steady energy without spikes or crashes. Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code BURR. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code BURR for up to 35% off your first order.

[Bill Burr]

That's live.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Momentous. L I V E M O M E N t o u s.com promo code Burr all right. Simply safe. If you're like me, I hope you're not. You're desensitized to dozens of notifications on

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

your phone each day.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

But if that latest ping is from your security camera, ignoring it could spell disaster. Picture this. Somebody's breaking in that piece of shit. But you're giving a huge presentation at work.

[Bill Burr]

You got your fucking little flashlight. You're pointing at a squeegee board, whatever

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

the fuck you call those things, those, those erasable boards. You know, you're at the movies, you're on a flight at 30,000ft. You'll see the footage in a couple hours, but by then it's too late. They took your headphones and your fucking,

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, your underwears.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

That's why I choose Simply Safe. Simply Safe is customizable whole home security System backed by 24, seven monitoring agents I. I can rely on to act even when I can't. Traditional security systems only act after someone has broken into the house. Hey, bring that back. That's too late. Simply Safe's active guard outdoor protection can help break ins before they happen. While other security companies lock you in. Simply Safe comes with no long term contract. They'll earn your trust every day by keeping you safe and satisfied. They are so confident in the protection they provide, they even back it with an anti theft guarantee. I'm not the only one. Simply Safe protects over 4,000 million every day. They have 20 years of experience at home security. Right now my listeners can get 50% off a new system by visiting simplysafe.com burr that's simply safe.com burr. There's no safe like Simply safe. Can I have that lemon tree that grows inside?

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

It doesn't grow inside.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

What the are you talking? We just said that it's. That was just something we said for

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

a limited time, but no.

[Bill Burr]

Do you want a fern?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

All right, Simply.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I'm kidding.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

They have trees.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Lemon trees, according to them.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

All right. Simply Safe, everybody. Look, we all want to feel safe at home. But for a long time, home security has meant expensive monthly fees and ironclad contracts that lock in, you know, not if you got a AR15. I don't need no. God, I hope so. You know what? I hope somebody would. I hope somebody would come through that front door. Monthly fees and ironclad contracts that locked you in for years. You know, one time, a long time

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

ago, I used to work with this comic, Michael. Like his last name escapes me. I used to work with him in Atlanta and he was a southern dude. He used to talk about his dog. He had this really hardcore southern accent when he would do it. And I could just tell him how much he loved his dog and, and that's how I knew before I really even met him. I'm like, this guy's a good dude. He had a dog named Mitchell. He goes, my dog Mitchell.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

And I was like, this guy fucking loves his dog. Anyway, I choose Simplisafe because they offer a better way.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Oh, wait a second, I missed a whole paragraph here. Oh yeah, ironclad contracts that. Locked in for years. None of that shit. I choose Simply Safe because they offer a better way.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

It's comprehensive protection sensors, cameras, 24,7 monitoring, but on your terms. Easy to get secured easily, easily, easily. Customize a system that's right for your home. It's simply safe. And it ships to your door in

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

A few days with app guided setup

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

and no drilling required, you can install your and arm your system in under an hour. No need to wait around for a technician appointment. Comprehensive protection. It's not just a camera, God damn it. It's a comprehensive, whatever that word means. Ecosystem of. Ecosystem of sensors. Creepy cameras. Or for Inside and out and 24, seven professional monitoring. In the event of a break in fire or flood, Simplisafe agents are ready to take action. People, please be careful. Don't put cameras inside your house. They'll see you fucking. The crooks are on the outside. No long term contracts for your business. I get no long term contracts. No lock ins or hidden cancellation fees. Simply safe earns your business by keeping you safe, not by trapping you in a contract. Proven trust. Over 5 million people trust SimpliSafe every day. And U.S. news and World Report ranked them the best home security system of 2026. I want you to experience the same peace of mind I do. Which is why I've partnered with SimpliSafe to offer an exclusive discount to my listeners. Right now you can get 50% off your new system by visiting simplisafe.com 50% off. Jesus Christ. Only thing left to do is they come over and beat up the criminal that's half off@simply safe.com bird. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. All right, who do we got next?

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Oh my God. Jesus fucking Christ. We got.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Oh, look who it is. It's all zip. Did you know that the average employer has to sort through roughly 250 resumes per job opening? Talk about time consuming. Well, it's better than running for your life as a fucking country comes in bombing you. But I imagine that's pretty tedious. Well, regardless of who makes it to the final round, one thing's for certain. It takes the most talented people to build these incredible teams. The same goes when you're hiring. If you want your business to be at the top of its game, you need the best people on your team. The place to find them.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Zip.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

And right now you can try it for [e-mail] Brrrr. Zip Zip. ZipRecruiters Smart matching technology immediately finds qualified candidates that check all your boxes. Want to see who's recently active? Zip recruiters? Filter.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

This is getting unhinged.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Can show you score the best for your team with Zip. Four to five employees who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for [e-mail] Spur. That's Zip.com. meet your match on ZipRecruiter. All right, last one. Squarespace. Jesus Christ. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Do you want to show your private parts to make a little bit of extra money that your boss isn't paying you? Go to square.

[Bill Burr]

No, I'm kidding.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Whether you're just starting out your skate or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain. Showcase your offerings with the professional website, grow your brand and get paid. God damn it. All in one place. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer, you need to offer services and get paid online. All in one place. From consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email email marketing tools. Just like that, somebody got fired. Mark, make smart Streamline. That's the new way of putting making people unemployed. Streamline your business. Keep more of the money for yourself. Ignore the crying people outside of your window. Make way for the robots. Make smarter business decisions with Squarespace. Squarespaces. Intuitive built in analytic tools. Review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement and track revenue from bookings, invoices or product sales. All from one place. Check out squarespace.com burr for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use Offer Code burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And that's squarespace.com spurr for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use Offer Code burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. There we go. All right. Well, that's the podcast. Holy shit, I did 44 minutes. That's the podcast, everybody. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thelis. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast after that. Have a great weekend.

[Bill Burr]

You can and I'll talk to you on Monday.

[Musical guest or poet (performing a song or spoken word)]

It.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 9, 2018. How the are you doing? Huh? Oh, that's good. That's good. I just got back from Cincinnati, or as they call it, the Natty. The night before I was in Pittsburgh, or as they call it, the Berg. About a year ago this time I was in Cleveland, or as they call it, the land. I've always wanted to do a gig in Akron. Or as they call it, the Ron. What is with that part of the fucking country? What is St. Louis? They call it the Lewis, the Louie. Hey, welcome to the Louie.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Hey, welcome to the walkie.

[Bill Burr]

Welcome to the Innota. Not the state. Minnesota. Ineota. Welcome to the appolis. Welcome to the poll. No, it only works with the berg, the natty, the land. And I'm Bilbao, the douchebag. And when we return, we're going to be discussing the upturn in the stock market. You know, it's funny, I didn't give them shit about that at all. I didn't even think about that the whole time I was there. I was too fucking tired. I flew in Thursday night so I could get up early the next day and go do WDVE with Randy and Bill. And I went in there, Ian Bagg sitting there like the fucking headliner he is. And there's Joe Bartnik. And we had a great time. And I evidently I said bullshit twice. And I said once. I knew when I said because everyone. Oh, and I'm such a foul mouth, freckled jerk off. I didn't even realize I did it. I felt bad, whatever. I had a good time. So I want to thank Randy and Bill for having me in all these years. That's why I sell tickets in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh was a very difficult ticket to sell for a long fucking time. You know, I used to work that goddamn cavernous improv. It's not a comedy club, it's not a theater. It's just a giant. Like, they should have a fucking DJ in there. Well, those big rooms with no chairs, right? And the guys just start spinning. Everybody's on drugs, whatever it is they do. Actually, you know, I've seen some of those DJs lately. I've seen some of those YouTube videos and they have little Casio keyboards, you know, to add to their beats. Do you think it's harder to play drums with just your little fingers than actually play drums? You know what I'm getting sick of? I'm getting sick of the one man band guy. You know when they got that little thing where they, they do a drum beat first, then they add the bass and then they yell some shit and then they fucking do something else. I mean, how many people are going to do that act? All right, It's like, I get it, you have no friends. You know, it's like the baseball kid. For a musician, the whole point of making music is to go do it with Other people. Look, if you're doing it at a high level, I don't mind, but there's a lot of people on, on YouTube who just go get. And then they hit the thing and then they just stand there and they can still hear his voice going. I know somebody gonna turn this into a song, so I'm not gonna make the rest of the fucking noises. All right. You probably just used like the, the part of the podcast or maybe that laughter. Put that over the top, right? And then add your own stuff and

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

then you have a.

[Bill Burr]

There you go. They make, make a podcast theme or whatever.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

The.

[Bill Burr]

I was just doing. Every time everybody flips the out like, holy, I can't believe they just did that. It's like musicians have been doing that for years, haven't they? I remember Steven Tyler way back in the day when they had them making a pump. He was on every fucking instrument in there, I guess, because we never saw it. I don't know what I'm talking about. This is one. I never, I try not to do podcasts on days that I flew on an airplane because I feel like for me, they're never funny. They're always scatterbrained. Oh, man. We got. Me and Bartnik drove from fucking Cincinnati, from Pittsburgh over to Cincinnati. I thought it was like a three hour drive. I always forget like that fucking. The Conehead part of West Virginia is in between that part of Pennsylvania and Ohio. And I'll tell you, man, I, for the life of me, I do not understand the poverty of that state. Pennsylvania's doing fine, Ohio's doing fine. And you just drive through that little triangle on the 70. I was joking. On stage you're on, you're driving by on the highway and you look off, you see people like waving, asking for help. You know what I mean? Like Willem Dafoe in Platoon. Such a gorgeous state. I don't get it. I don't know. I think one day that, that place, that place is going to turn around the way downtown Cincinnati did. I remember 10 years ago I did that funny bone that just across the river, the Ohio river, in Cincinnati. I was in Kentucky and I stayed there. Like, you want to stay out in the Kentucky area? I was like, nah, nah, I want to stay in downtown Cincinnati. I want to be downtown where, where. Where shit is happening. And I was there 10 years ago and it was one of these fucking towns, man. Everybody comes into work at 8 and at 5 everybody leaves and it's. You're. You're alone, there's nobody there. There's homeless people, there's people who need medical, mental assistance, you know, crazy people. And all the stores is fucking closed up. You got to get your last meal by 3 o' clock or you're fucked. And I had been there, I feel, it feels like forever. And I, I immediately went into downtown areas. It's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing, actually. A whole article. The second I got there, I was like, this is not the Cincinnati that I remember from that fucking gig. And that I carried with me the next two times. Even though it was slowly getting better. I had such a bad experience the first time. They actually. People writing fucking articles on it. Where the hell is it, Bill? There you go. Cincinnati Streetcar. They got a fucking streetcar. Okay. By the time the first passengers boarded Cincinnati Streetcar in September, its advocates had already been on a wild 15 year ride that included surviving two ballot initiatives to derail the project. Whatever, I'm not reading all this boring shit. They got all this fucking cool stuff to do down there now. And evidently I was talking to this guy in the plane. They revitalized a bunch of bad areas, but they didn't kick the people out. Now this was according to a white male in first class. So who knows, who knows what happens? Because that's what I'd like to see done, you know, have that done. And for poor white people too. I never understand where it's just like, oh, we're making this area better. It's like, what about the people that were there? They would have made it better if they had any money. I don't understand why, like areas like that, this point, you know, we're doing all these startups and all of this. We ought to do it for our, our own countrymen, shouldn't we then? Every place is nice. Everywhere you go is a nice little cupcake area or whatever. I don't know. Do you think then everything would be the same? Because you already have that problem. You know, there has to be a way to go into different neighborhoods of people and fucking help out broke ass people. Yet they still, they don't lose their vibe, you know, the music, the food, the people, the whole fucking thing. Because once, like I don't know what's once. Once the fucking people, they, well, what's. White people come in, then it just becomes white, you know, it's got. I really don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I just don't understand West Virginia. It's fucking gorgeous. I don't know why people don't want to. It's being a minor, the only fucking job. Is that why? You know, they see the people there mining? Isn't that fucking Honey Boo Boo from there? Fucking dirt floor cabin she grew up in. It's one of the saddest things I ever. I tried to watch that show one fucking time. And they were going down the grocery store and they were having an auction. Food that was at the grocery store that they no longer could legally sell. And they weren't even buying shit that at least used to be healthy, like perishable shit, like fruits and vegetables, which God knows what the fuck they sprayed it with, right? They were. They were fucking bidding on like Double Stuff Oreo cookies. It's like they've already expired and they're not good for you. And she's sitting there looking like Haystack Calhoun. I mean, what. What the fuck do you. When I. Here's a question. What do you do with that? You know what I mean? That's just like. I mean, it's just a shit show and it already fucking procreated. So now you got half of that and somebody else, maybe they'll be half as stupid. Maybe some smart person got drunk and fucked her. That's the best thing you can. You can hope for and knock down her stupid by 50%, right? Because certain people, you see, they're broken. You're just like, all right, well, maybe if they had some opportunity, then there's other people. It's just like, nah. You know, even if she was born rich, I just don't. Then once the parents died, I think I don't see that fortune surviving. Let's look up Honey fucking Boo Boo. Honey Boo Boo was the moment. No, that was the kid. Honey Boo Boo. Mother. Come on, Internet. Mama June, Mama June of Here comes Honey Boo Boo, famous for raising pageant prisoners. Where the is she from? Amazing weight loss. Jesus Christ. You know when people are really fat and they lose all that weight, then they got to figure out what they're going to do with the skin. Then they need to do a startup to get rid of the skin, right? I mean, Jesus Christ, she'd need an extra startup just for the shit underneath her chin. She has that unfortunate thing where it like, you know, it's like your chin is flush with your chest. And she's way too young to have that level of a double chin. And that's what happens, people, when you go down to the grocery store because you're so fucking broke and you have to. You have to bid on already expired Double Stuff Oreo cookies. Her neck Is full of the cream. That's what it is. I know, it's disgusting, isn't it? But you know what? In this day and age, I imagine she's a hero. All right, let's see her. Let's see her loss. She lost a bunch of weight. Good for her. Good for her. Now she's going to live longer. You know what they should have done with the facelift? They should also fucking. They should have fixed her. I know this is harsh, people, but there's too many fucking people. There's too much traffic, okay? You can't have dumb people, like making more fucking people that are gonna be out there on the road, you know, and their DNA is full of fucking expired Oreo cookie double stuff. You just. You can't fucking do it. And this is the thing that liberals cannot handle and conservatives go too far with. There has to be a feel good solution. I would just say, listen, if you, if you're dumb and you don't have kids, the government will give you Oreo cookies that have not expired. How about that? We'll start with that as, as a. As an. Taxpayers will pay for that. That'll come off the top, right? I don't know how to solve this. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. I can't tell you this. Guess what the I'm doing on April 13th?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I'm going to be in Charlotte,

[Bill Burr]

North Carolina, at the Rough and rowdy event. I cannot fucking wait for this. I think I got the suit that I'm going to wear. I'm very excited and I'm going to be there. It's going to be 1599, if you order now, 1999, the day of the event. I'm going to be commenting the entire night. God willing, I'm going to be there with El Prez, Dave Portnoy and the big cat, Dan Katz. And guess who's fighting on the cod, the one man thrill ride. All right, he's not wrestling. He's fighting. He's not wrestling. He's fighting and he's going to show why he's an absolute savage. I can't fucking wait. I'm very excited for this event. I hope I add to it and bring some more humor to it. And check it out. 16 bucks. The fuck do you care? What are you doing? Sixteen bucks. Go down there and bid on some cookies. So anyways, I had a great flight back from Cincinnati. Congratulations, by the way. Very excited for Cincinnati. After watching Pittsburgh, their whole downtown area start to get going Again. All right. Cleveland's made a huge comeback. Cincinnati has made a comeback. It's fucking tremendous. I hope this keeps happening, because I've been on the road since the 90s, and those places were really sad. And I remember in 2004, when Nick Costas opened Hilarities, I remember looking across the street and talking to one of the comics there saying, if I had money, I'd buy that fucking building right across the street. And it was just like this beautiful building that was just empty. Just fucking empty. And. And the Hilarities were the only lights on on that block. And I would finish my show and the cop would walk me to my hotel around the corner to make sure I didn't get jumped or anything, right? So. And here we are now, like, that whole street now is lit up like the fucking Bullwinkle show. And bad. If I was where I am now back then, I would have invested in all those that I wanted to invest in. Detroit. Now that's fucking coming back, too. But I still might do that. You know, I think that's a great thing to do. Buy a fucking. In an up and coming city that needs a money in there. You buy something there and you don't kick the people out and you give them a nice safe place, you know, they're paying rent, the fucking. These fucking assholes, they redo these things and then they kick everybody out. Then they try and flip it, you know, those fucking heartless cunts that'll go into some beautiful building and just gut the place and come back with like Home Depot bullshit and then kick everybody out and try to get fucking, you know, 20 and 30 somethings in there. I don't know. I'm against it personally, but then again, I never try to do it. Who knows? Who knows? Maybe someday I'll become a slumlord. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. All right? Anyways, plowing ahead here, so my flight back, I overslept, but fortunately, the airport was right down the street and cruise through security and all that shit got there in plenty of time. And I get on the plane and Delta Airlines. I always fly different airline. I'm not fucking loyal to any of them because I never used the fucking miles, all right? I have no interest in getting on the phone, trying to figure out, you know, when I can use them. You know, I don't give a keep. Keep the miles. What am I, George Clooney in that movie up, up and Away? Up, up and away with my salt and pepper perfect hair? You know I love most about that movie. I'm gonna ruin it. Here is when he finally finds love, and he comes and he finds out that woman's married. And she looks at him like, get the fuck out of here. And he has to get the fuck out of here. That was one of the realest things I've seen in a movie in a while. That's how it usually works out. You know, something happens. So anyways, the. Why would I say that? Why would I. Why would I put that sort of negativity out there? Oh, because I'm a cunt. That's right. So I get on the plane, and I made sure I told my husband to take the F1 race from Bah, Bahrain. And I get on the plane. Lo and behold, I have espn, too. And I'm like, holy shit. The fucking race is coming on at 10 past 11, right? So I sit there and I'm watching fucking ESPN, which is hilarious now, you know, I mean, every sports talk show now, it seems like a woman has to be, like, running it. And then the guys are sitting there like, she's the teacher now. Just like the overcorrection, you know what I mean? So now, like, a guy can't run a show. I don't fucking get it, right? So I'm watching this shit, and they show this woman from the women's hockey team throwing out the first pitch. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, she uses a hockey stick, and she takes a fucking wrista and sends it to the catcher. And the guy comes out of his crouch and he catches it. It was a fucking ball, by the way. So there's a good woman and a man commentating on this fucking shit. She goes, see that?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You see that?

[Bill Burr]

You know, most. You know, a lot of the dudes can't even get it over, you know? That's why I've been telling you women are just better. They're just better at things. The guy's like, I'm not even. I'm not even gonna say anything. She goes, that's right.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You got a wife and a daughter.

[Bill Burr]

It was just like, what in the. What the fuck was that? Just imagine that conversation, and you flip the sex. The guy's saying it to her. Hey, you see that? Most of broads can't get it over the plate. Guys are just better at shit, right?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I'm not even gonna say anything.

[Bill Burr]

That's right. You got a husband at home. I'll slap the shit out of you, you dumb bitch. All right. Dumb bitch. I put a little bit Too much mustard on it. But that's basically what the fuck they said. And then she came back again and she said it again, which is hilarious. And you see that a lot now. And at first it bothered me. Then I'm just like, this is actually just. It's not coming from a place of strength. It's coming from this really insecure place. Like, right, see, we can do stuff. Nobody said you can't. I guess they did back in the day, but nobody now is saying that. I just like hate how every guy has to have his tail between his legs. I wish I was commentating with her. I'd be like, that's astoundingly ignorant and reverse sexist. What are you talking about? I could fucking do what she just did if you gave me three tries. It's a fucking wrist shot with a baseball. You got it teed up on a mound.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I didn't even play hockey.

[Bill Burr]

I think you give me five attempts, I think I could fucking do that. But you know what's funny is if I went and I failed, that woman would feel justified because a stand up comedian couldn't get a baseball 90ft or 45ft, whatever the fuck it is, with a hockey stick. That would be considered a victory, I guess. I don't know. So then I'm still watching, right? And then they have this really weird commercial. You got to see this one. I actually wrote it down on my phone so I wouldn't forget. Where am I? You get in the notes. Women are just better. They're just better. I was around with that this weekend where they just sit there going, you know, the future is female. Like all guys are just going to step aside after we built everything up. We're just going to give you the airplanes. Go yourself, earn them. I'm with you ladies. But you know what? Something, here's how you divide and conquer the cool ones, know what I'm saying? All right, There's a commercial out right now that you have to see for new genic that has the big hurt in it. And I swear to God, he's standing there because he lost all this weight. And this woman standing there with this guy who I assume they're kind of together, right? She goes, he says something, oh, wow, is that the big hurt? She says, wow, he looks. That's the big hurt. And she said she should call him like the big handsome or something. She compliments on the way he looks. And then the guy, rather than being like, the fuck are you looking at another man for? And commenting it in front of me. Fucking disrespect me like that in this grocery store, you know, is there something I need to know? Instead of saying that, he just goes, yeah, or he kind of agreed with her, right? Then they get over there and there's this really weird conversation where they're talking about this stuff that helps you lose weight and every and subtly makes you fuck better. I swear to God, the way the dialogue went, I don't. I. You know, I couldn't write it down fast enough. I thought in the end, the dude was going to ask Big Hurt to fuck his wife. Listen, I don't know. It might. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's me. Maybe all of this is playful and I just have too diseased a fucking mind, and that's how I'm seeing this shit. So don't take it seriously, all right? Speaking of diseased mind, April, I am going to be no vice, Billy. No vice. No drinking, no smoking cigars, no online porn, meditating, yoga, working out, eating right, drinking water, all of that fucking Little House on the Prairie shit. Okay? And I am. When you hear this, I'll be nine days in. All right? Old Billy, no vice, hashtag Billy. Nice. Nice, old Billy. Boredom. What else? Oh, William. Without fucking. I'm almost halfway through the month. No, I think I'm gonna try to go to my birthday, right? I'm gonna go to my birthday, you know, get myself, you know, in the shape I want to be in. So turning 50, you know, turning 50 wasn't bugging me. Now all of a sudden, now that it's like two months away. As of today. No, as of Tuesday, it's two months away, it's starting to fucking hit me. Even though I know I'm not going to feel any different. It's just that you can kind of lie to yourself through your 40s that, you know. No, no. You know, I look good for my age.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Blah.

[Bill Burr]

You turn 50, you're old. You're. You're. You even. You're even old to people that are old. Like somebody 70 would love to be 50, but they're not looking at you like. Like, you know, they're not picking. They'll. They'll take 50. You know what I mean? But if, you know, if they've. Nobody's picking that age. If they rub a genie lamp and a genie comes out, what age do you want to be? Nobody's saying 50. Even if you're fucking 120, who's getting who? Nobody's saying 40 or 30. I don't give A fuck. Anyways, so it's been going good. It's been going good. I like not drinking. I guess I do, but I don't know. Do you go to Pittsburgh? Pittsburgh's just a town. You're just like, man, I'm getting drunk. How do. How do you not. This is just. It's too amazing. We went to that Primanti Brothers, however the you say it, you know, we went to the place, the Italian market, Bartnik's favorite one, where he gets the Gaba rule, right? The Gaba guy got all of that and just, you know, was eating that all weekend. Stuffed olives. I ate like a lunatic. But I didn't eat at night, so it wasn't that bad. But I definitely did not eat healthy over the last couple of days. But anyways. But I didn't booze. I didn't smoke any. Both towns had cigar bars, and I had to walk by them. And on the plane ride home, I was watching top 10 tight ends of All Time. And they got to Mike Ditka, and he was talking all this, and then he just took, you know, a, you know, couple of poles off this fat cigar. I was just like, ah, but I'm gonna get. I'm gonna make. I don't know. I don't know. You know what it is? It's like every day I wake up and I don't miss not doing heroin because I never did it. And that's the thing, like they say, once you open the Pandora's box. Oh, fuck. Speaking of that shit, you know that. You know that ACDC song, Sin City? And when they do the Breakdown, whatever the fuck. I can't remember. I can't remember the bass line of that. But boom, boom. Oh, yeah, and the kick drums on, too, which is weird. And then Bon Scott goes, ladders and snakes. Ladders give snakes take, right? And I was always like, what is he saying? That. Ladders. Ladders and snakes. Liars. Sounds like he's saying ladders like something you climb up. I never knew what the fuck it meant. Did I tell you guys this the other day? I can't remember. And Mike Devin told me. He goes, no, it's. It's a. He said that's in Australia. That's like Shoots and ladders. But the original was called Ladders and Snakes. And then I looked it up. It's actually from India, if I'm right. And it has to do with vices and virtues. And it's called Snakes and Ladders. So as you play, it's sort of the Same board game as Chutes and Ladders, right? So you know, if you get on a snake, that's a vice and you slide down. If you land on a snake, I should say you slide down. But if you go on a ladder, that's a virtue and virtues bring you up. So I'm basically, you know, after years of sliding down in device, I'm now

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

going to try to go up a

[Bill Burr]

couple floors on the ladder, I guess. I don't fucking know. I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is every once in a while I got to shut down. But every time I have to shut it down, like the window is shorter. I used to go hard for 10 months and then shut it down for a month. Now it's like I go hard for two, three months and then I shut it down for like four or five. I don't know. I don't know. Can you hear? It's just all the comedy just left of this fucking podcast. It's just, it's just not fun. It's not. I don't give a fuck. People have, you know, I fucking love being sober. I love being sober. You know, I'm sitting next to this guy, that one of these guys that says yes, and that's the worst when you're sober. Can I get you something to drink? I'm like, yeah, I'll have a water. And he goes, I'll have a Bloody Mary. Like, ah, fuck, I'd love a Bloody Mary. He finishes his Bloody Mary. She goes, would you like another one? He's like, yeah. How about you, sir? Nah, I'm fine with my water. I was just clocking this guy, right? I flew out, another guy was just like that, had a Jack and Coke. Then he got the fucking meal, you know, Then got another Jack and Coke. And then the lady said, hey, you want some ice cream, right? And he's like, yeah, but can I wait? She goes, yeah. Then later he had the ice cream. He said, yes the entire flight as I sat down. Just have a water. Anyways, plowing ahead, by the way. That's what you can look forward to. You work your ass off, you sit at the front of the plane, they bring you ice cream like it's a. Like you're a 2 year old. But here's the thing. Then here's the thing, all right? You die sooner because you're up there eating and drinking like a. All right? At least if you're in the back, you know what I mean? You're back there starving, but you're going to live longer, all right? And the worst thing is to ride up front and be sober and watching somebody acting like they're in the Roman empire and you're sitting there drinking waters or eating a sad salad. Anyways, let me do the. Let me do the. The reads for the week here. What do we got here? Do I have any advertising left in this? Oh, right, that right there. That was textbook advertising reading. Oh, did I? So anyway, so I watched the F1 race. Congratulations to Max Verstappen. Congratulations to the Ferrari team. I don't know what the fuck's going on in the pits. I hope that guy from Ferrari is all right. You knew he broke his leg. What's his face, what the fuck's his name there? Kimmy something or other. Kimmy Rigatoni, the other guy in the fucking Ferrari team. I thought. I thought I fucking knew his name. Anyways, he comes in for a pit stop and they've been having all these problems like the Haas team. Both their cars last the previous race in Australia. Sorry, I'm typing this in here. They went to go change the tires and they didn't get them on properly and they left and the cars were unsafe and they both got knocked out. Oh, Kimmy Rakonen. He came in for a pit stop. They didn't put the right rear one on right. Or they didn't get it on in time or they thought it was done. I don't know what. The guy with the jack lets the fucking car down. I don't know who fucked up. There's like 40 people that run up to the car and they're all dressed exactly the same. And when he went to drive out, the guy's fucking. That giant back rear tire went right over this guy's foot and leg. And you know, and he's sort of peeling out too, so. Jesus Christ. So that knocked their car out of the race. Lewis Hamilton had a great race. Started in ninth, got all the way up to third, got to the podium. What's his face. Max Verstappen accidentally crashed into him or whatever. And Lewis Hamilton once again fucking whining about it, said, max is a dickhead. It was a dickhead move. He wasn't showing him any respect out there. It's like, Louis, he's doing what you did when you came up. What's he supposed to do? But, oh, my God, that's Lewis Hamilton. I'm not going to try to beat him through this turn. I didn't have a problem what he did. And neither did the judges. So what's the problem? He had this whole thing where he was saying, you know, he was disrespectful. It was a move and all of that. Hey, I don't know that guy. That guy is. I totally respect him. He's a fucking amazing driver. But I swear to God, if he doesn't win, he fucking. He's always bitching about something. He reminds me of Peyton Manning early in his career, we had protection issues. You know, always fucking finger pointing. Oh, you know, my radio wasn't working, so it only was very difficult to try to figure out when I was supposed to drive or not. Have you done enough of these? There's somebody in front of you. Go get them, Bill. It's a little more sophisticated than that. He was on the mediums and the other guy was on the super soft. Anyways, it was a great race. I'm just with Lewis Hamilton fans, relax. I'm just around. I know he's your Beyonce and I'm gonna have to deal with the. The. The Lewis hive coming at me.

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I make fun of Lewis Hamilton because he is the best. The guy's the best. Mercedes last year was the best. The last couple years they've been the goddamn best. And I'm new to the sport, so what am I going to do? Am I going to jump on the bandwagon? I can't. I'm actually. I'm rooting. I root for High Haas. The American team, when we came. Kevin Magnuson came in fifth place. That's 10 points. Unfortunately, our other driver, Romaine, like the lettuce Grosjean, however you say his name, he came in 13th. It was a great fucking race. And I hate to say this, ESPN2, their coverage of that race was fucking phenomenal. It was phenomenal. I got. I gotta kind of knock a little. Fuck. I gotta knock sports a little bit. Because they just used to just follow the leader, whoever was leading, they were just up there. And then all the racing was going on in the back and fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, like the level that ESPN2 was covering the race and showing that all that passing and like, you know, when anybody gets like. It was a good driver gets like some sort of penalty, a gearbox penalty or whatever, and they move back. You don't get to watch him come through the field. In these past years, the way espn, you know, was following Lewis Hamilton coming up, it was fucking great. I love the race. Now, granted, I don't know shit about racing and I watched it on, you know, the back of somebody's fucking chair. On a flight, I could barely tell how many laps were left, so I imagine I missed a lot of the drama. But I went back and I looked at that. It's just like Max Verstappen. You can see he's. He's going to be one of those guys. He's probably going to win a championship. He's really young. He's a great driver, and he's got balls. You know, it takes a lot of balls to go into a term with Lewis Hamilton to be like, fuck this guy. I think I have position. Good for him. Unfortunately, you know, it fucked up his car. I don't know. I think Lewis is a little scared. You know, he reminds me of. It was like when you see that. That interview when Milton Berle is trying to get Richard Pryor to fucking, you know, stand down because Richard Pryor has the nerve to fucking laugh at him. And then Milton Berle does that. He goes, I'll give you some advice. He goes, pick your spots, baby. And then Richard goes, all right, sweetheart.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Fuck you. Would you invent comedy? You didn't go fuck yourself. I'm funny, too. That's how I filled Max Verstappen. Yeah. He's a fucking race car driver. Supposed to fucking get out of the way. That's not reason. Not racing anymore. Now he's just driving around. I could fucking do that. Poor Red Bull team. Jesus Christ. Fucking Daniel Ricardo, AKA Ricky Rican. And he fucking. His car just died. Verstappen, after he tried to pass Lewis Hamilton when his tire went out and his differential got all fucked up. But whatever. That's opening the doors for the American racing team. Ha. We were doing great in Australia till we couldn't put tires on. It was hilarious watching our pit crew coming out. They were so goddamn nervous. They came out with, like, laces out energy. But it was a great race. And next week, everybody. The Moto GP race, I think is next week. It is. Is it? No. Wait, is it in two weeks? Was there better not been one today if there was one today. I recorded it. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. I was trying to go to that one. And after I do Nashville, I was trying to go down to Austin to go to the race. I just. I got a kid, man. I can't fucking do that. If I was in Austin, I would do it, but I'm not gonna fly out of my way and not hang out with my kid. What am I, a fucking degenerate? Huh? Yes. I'm not that big a degenerate, though. All right, MotoGP. Come on. Load, load, load. This is how bad my Internet is. I have to. I have to cheer it on. Come on, you could do it. I took, like, Lamaze classes with my fucking Internet. Come on, do it. Push. Push. You look so beautiful. It's still loading. This is fucking. I pay. Like, it's. I gotta get somebody. I gotta get like a tech nerd over here, you know? But before they do, they gotta wear a helmet with a chin strap so that jaw doesn't hit the floor when they see how much I'm fucking paying a month for cable, you know, Said they'd help me out with it. I gotta take them up on it. Red Band told me to help me out with that shit because he told me a story, said he went home to his parents house and saw how much they were paying and then called up their. Their provider and, you know, tore my new asshole with his algorithm. It's still fucking loading. All right, I give up. I give up. Whatever. Let's. Let's. Let's read some question here for this week, by the way. You know, I gave up arguing with my wife for lent, and I'm continuing it. And I'm going to tell you right now, I am getting some wins. I'm getting some wins, you know, because. What. Look, I'm still losing a lot, all right? But, you know, I look, I'm looking at like a 7 and 9 season. I think that's what I'm projected at. But, you know, I was like, oh, and 16, like the Browns last year. Because I'm finding, like, what's good about not losing your temper is when you're right, and if you can somehow keep your wife on topic, you're actually gonna win. You know? I don't know. Who knows? Who knows? I already know. She's already adjusting her game to my new style. Why won't this fucking thing load. What is the fucking problem? How much money do I have to fucking pay? Wait a second. Let me just bring my energy back down. Bringing it back down again. It's not that big a deal. All right, here we go. Come on. Load, load. There it is. Oh, there was one today. There was one in Argentina. I gotta watch it. I gotta watch it before somebody tells me the results. I'll talk about this one on Thursday. Nice. Then I also have to watch the. The ufc, even though I already know the results there. I gotta watch this. The big fights Rose Nama Yunus Verse Yonana, Yoana Yendraitric I say, right, Yoana Yendreitric. You know, I know how to say that because I listened to this Russian guy. Is this it? Yeah. I listened to this guy for like an hour. It was Rose Nama Yunus verse. Did you guys get that? It was. Once again, the fight was Rose Namajunas vs. At some point in her life, she has to meet Axl Rose so he can sing her name.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Right,

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

Sorry.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Boogie woman is coming for you.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what she was trying to say. Like the boogeyman. She probably read up on the boogeyman. I mean, it's a second language. It's pretty good that she could come up with that. But that was oddly terrifying when she was saying that Boogie woman is coming for you. I'm like, I don't. This brought me back to when I was single. I was like, man, I remember I dated Boogie woman a couple of times.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You know, one of those women you break up with, you don't even go

[Bill Burr]

back for your stuff. It's like, fuck this, you can have it, man. I'm fucking out of here. Goddamn witch. All right. Des Moines, Iowa. Billary Swank. Hey, Billory Swank. Just checking in on you, giving you some ammo when you go back to your advertisers. Of all the podcasts that I listen to on a regular basis, your ad reads are the only ones that I will not skip through. Yeah, exactly. That's why I fuck around through them. So I got. You got to keep it entertaining because there's nothing stopping you from fast forwarding through, you know, understands that stamps.com, you know, didn't. Nature's box. They didn't get it. And those other fucking cunts. Blue apron. All right.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Of all the podcast.

[Bill Burr]

Also, how many corn fed asses do I need to get into seats to get you to make a stop in Des Moines, Iowa? I've been up there. I was up there in the last year. I did a gig at Iowa State. I don't know if that's Des Moines. I'll get out. I don't give a fuck. I'll go out there. Hippie music blind spot. Always something I learned with drumming, that thrash. The thrash drum beat is the same beat. And like. Like shout music, basically it's just the bands they're playing with. How they phrase. The music on top is different. Punk, thrash and shout music. There's a lot of similarities and that's one to grow on. Hippie music blind spot. Dear Billy, Curveballed. I love your podcast and I'm coming to see in Denver. Thank you. I love to hear you talk about music and drummers in particular. All right, I got somebody new that I'm following on Instagram. Instagram. She just came up in my feed and she blew me away. What is it? Oh, the Pocket Queen. And I thought it was funny because I don't know if she's a Guns N Roses fan or if it's just a coincidence, but you know, Rocket Queen, Guns N Roses fan, and then the Pocket Queen. And she's just an amazing, amazing drummer who's having the time of her life when she plays. I think it's the underscore Pocket Drummer. But I started following her and that'd be. I don't know. She's just a fucking amazing drummer. So anyways, plowing ahead here. Where is it here? I love to hear you talk about music and drummers in particular. Have you ever taken a listen to John Fishman, the drummer and Fish. I know. A bunch of hairy hippies. I get it. You know, it's not that. It's that their songs are 17 minutes long. It's just such a fucking commitment. I will say, because of Fish, I learned about the Little Feet album Waiting for Columbus. So I do want that live album. I do want to thank them for that. Anyways, people always put them in the hippie music category, but they aren't the fucking Mamas and the Papas. I don't mind the Mamas and the Papas. My mother loved them. So when I listen to them, reminds me of driving around, you know, in the car when I was a kid with my mom. They've put on more sold out shows and consecutively, my computer just died.

[Musical guest or poet (performing a song or spoken word)]

The.

[Bill Burr]

All right. They put out more shows consecutively at MSG than anyone ever. Wow. Even more than Billy Joel, huh? And at any rate, love Ephesus Family and go yourself. All right, well, give me a. Give me a album that I can, you know, that's a good jump off that I can get into their. I saw them live in the early 90s at the old Boston Garden. They headlined the Spin Doctors Were there off their first album, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong. All of that, it was like a. A grunge thing. I don't know what the. It was. It was like overnight. All of a sudden it had just changed. It was 1992 when I saw him. Let me see if I can look that up. See if I can find that. The whole lineup. I think I want to say WBCN was a part of it. Let's see here. Fish, Spin Doctors, Boston Garden, 1992. Yeah.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

No way.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. October 30th. And the reason why I went there was because the sketch comedy group Al and the Monkeys had won the BCN Comedy Riot. Al Delbene, Dane Cook, Bobby Kelly were in it and they performed there too. And I got to watch them perform at Boston Garden. Let me see if they got the lineup. This was a semi Halloween themed Devil's Night one set show at the WBCN new music concert Rock a Boston event. It was Fish first show at the Boston Garden. Oh, no way. I saw that show. This is how old I am. They actually have to describe the Boston Garden. A historic basketball and ice hockey arena built in the 20s with a capacity of about 15,000. Addition to fish and the Spin Doctors. The level Levelers, Material Issue, Michael Penn and a comedy troupe that include Dane Cook, Alan the Monkeys performed between. It was called Alan the Monkeys. The comedy troupe comedians were. Okay, we won't. We won't get into the rest of that. Anyways, plowing ahead. Yeah, I saw them, I guess, October 30th. That's right. That's right. I just started doing comedy right around them was right when I met Patrice.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So there you go.

[Bill Burr]

So I've actually seen them. So there's a lot of like psycho Fish fans that would be like, oh, my God, you saw him for the first time at the Boston Garden. I saw one of their legendary shows and had no idea who they were. I just remember they had these little workout trampolines, personal trampolines that they were jumping up and down on the whole time, and the crowd was jumping with them and I thought they were cool, but I never really got into them. All right, race documentary. Hi, Bill. I was listening to your podcast where you talked about your new interest in Moto gp. Yeah, it's fucking. I'm obsessed with it. You should check out this documentary about the annual Isle of Man TT race. I was trying to go to that the last two years and I can't get anybody to go with me. It's not MotoGP, but it has similar bikes, I think. Yeah, it's a. Yeah, it's. It's a road race around the island and more people have died than years. They've had it. So I mean, it's incredibly dangerous. I'd like to go see it, see people driving that fast, but I don't want to watch somebody die either. Or die myself with shit flying into the crowd. It's road racing instead of track, so there's no tire walls to crash into, etc. It's insanely dangerous. Usually a couple riders are killed each year, and this documentary follows one of the riders for one of the years. I have only. I only have a passing interest in racing, but this illustrates the danger of the sport really well. In case the link doesn't work, the doc is called TT3D. Closer to the edge. Love the podcast. You crack me up. I might even buy some of your shit. You're pedaling. I'm really not, pet. I don't sell anything on my website, all right? So I didn't need the little snide fucking comment. Oh, maybe you just talk about the shit that I'm advertising. In that case, fucking have at it. All right. Evil woman. Evil woman. Dear Billy Hale. Bop. I don't get that. Oh, my daughter's up here. I gotta finish this thing. All right. I was watching the documentary called Wild, Wild country with my girlfriend. It's about a group of followers of a guru from India who set up shot shop in a remote town in Oregon. Everybody's watching this right now. I won't get into the higher question of what is a cult and what is a religion? Oh, I'll tell you the exact thing. A. A cult is a new religion. A religion is a former cult that took over. That's the only difference. While watching my girlfriend. While watching. My girlfriend didn't seem as angry with a particular person as I was. The first in command under the guru was a woman named Sheila. I don't want to spoil the dog for your listener, but she did some evil shit in the name of her cause. Oh, yeah. Yes, she did. She was a fucking lunatic. Like most guys who are in power, she acted accordingly. See, and that's the thing right there, where they sit there and they act like if women ran the world, there would be no war. It's. It's not. It doesn't have to do with sexual. Most people, when given power, do not handle it well. They either hurt other people, they hurt themselves. They sabotage it because they can't deal with the fucking pressure, or they just become a cunt like me. She's a very compelling person to hear and speak. And I understand how some of her might find her charismatic. I liked her to a point. I liked that she was just, like, standing up to everybody. But then, you know, she went too far. She kind of went like, you know, I'll fucking kill everybody, instead of just the people she was upset with. She didn't try to hurt them. She tried to Fuck over everybody. But when you get to the part for the this six part series, you start hearing about the town's water supplies being poisoned under her authority. He goes, um, this is disgusting, isn't it? No, that's fucking terrorism. But this is, you know, what, 25 years before. 20 something years before 20 years. Maybe before 9, 11. So she was just considered a, you know, bitchy. I think my girlfriend started giving me a hard time for calling this Sheila a cunt, saying, I worship guys like Tony Soprano and Walter White. Yeah. He goes, yeah, I do. I worship fictional characters that they were. But I never defended waste management, racketeering, and lying to my family about being a meth chemist. It ended with her telling me that I'm biased towards the achievements of men. I can't deal with this lack of rationale. I'm considering breaking it off with their thoughts. Keep your calm and just say, listen, the difference between me liking, you know, anti heroes in a movie versus you liking antihero that actually existed and really poisoned the town. You just say, listen, if Tony Soprano and Walter Wright were real people, I wouldn't be a fan of them. But, you know, you like the Sopranos, you like the characters, you like the acting, the writing, the way it's shot, you know, Breaking Bad and all that. That's all that is. If you're considering breaking it off with her over this, then I would say, you know, I think you should. I mean, if this is enough to make you break it off, you might as well, you know, just, you know, I wouldn't drink your tap water for a couple of months. Apparently I'm Controlling is the name of this. Yeah, I'm gonna say just by that title, I'm gonna say that you are. Apparently I'm controlling. Like people who always, like, get called out on their shit, you know, it's like that bearded cunt on the Flyers every time he fucking takes out somebody's knee. And every time it's like so blatant. What the he just did. It's like totally away from the pocket. Complete penalty. He always puts his hand. I was like, what the.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

What the did I do?

[Bill Burr]

Dear Billy Bunghole, I recently started dating this lady. And everything was going well, so I decided to invite her to a Mariners game for opening weekend. You know, had I known you were going to say the name of the baseball team, I would have switched it just to. In case, I don't know, somehow somebody figures this out. Anyways, I knew she was a baseball fan and would be excited to go I invited her and she said that sounded really fun, so I was really excited as well. I told her I would take care of the tickets because I knew finding tickets for opening weekend would be hard. So she agreed and said she would pay for food and drinks. Look at this. Everything's going great so far. It's like a classic horror movie, you know, they get to the fucking Crystal Lake, everybody's having a good time, it's all enjoyable to the first time they go, chee, chee, chee. A couple of days later, she started having truck car troubles and was worried she couldn't make it to the game because she wanted to fix her car by Monday and the game was on Sunday. I live in the city and don't have a car, but offered to rent a car to pick her up. Or we could ride the bus together since we would be drinking and the bus drops people off right outside the stadium. She didn't answer my text for a couple days and told me less than 24 hours that she wasn't going to make it. I sent her a text back saying that I was upset about it and that if we had just had a regular day date scheduled, I wouldn't mind, but the tickets weren't cheap, front row, lower level outfield, and I don't get to go to many ball games. That is important to me. She didn't reply until the next day and said she wants to stop seeing me because the text seemed controlling, but I was honestly just trying to tell her how I felt about being ditched. I'm usually a pushover, and this was the first time I sent texts like this before. So do you think that I was being controlling? I would appreciate some advice. Thank you. And go fuck yourself. P.S. bring back the Sonics. Oh, you're going to get a hockey team instead. Sonics on Ice column. The Seattle Soliloquies. No, but I understand both. She has to get to go to work on fucking Monday. She wants to make sure her car's all right. I get that. But to say that she you're controlling and she wants to stop seeing you. I would say she dated a psycho before and is a little gun shy. Or she wasn't that into you. Anyways, to quote Greg Barron, you know, I hope he just went to the game with a buddy yours and got fucking hammered. Yeah, I don't know. I would just write back, just say, you know, I guess we had a miscommunication. But I have to admit, if, you know, one little spat like that makes you think about breaking up with me. I kind of feel like you're not that into me anyway. So before one of us really gets hurt, why don't we just. Let's just end as friends and really try to end as friends. That is. That is a skill I wish I had. And to end the way you end as friends with somebody, this is for men and women is you just. You have to be 100 honest with them, you know? And if you haven't been honest with somebody and you're in a relationship right now, if you're really honest with them now, they're still probably going to hate you. But you still have to do it because what you're doing now is you're setting up healthy relationships in the future. All right? So then you could just. Got it all out there. They knew from day one. From day one, when you meet a woman, you do. What's. What's going on between us? Nothing. I'm just, you know, I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now. I'm just having fun. That's it. So what, you just want to have sex with me? Yes. Well, yeah, I do. What? You're gorgeous. I'm attracted to you. You know, I'll practice safe sex. Do you want to get fucked? I'm the man for the job. You don't have to be that honest. All right, anyways. Black girlfriend's family. Hey, Billy. Burnt pubes. You guys are killing me today. I'm a 24, 5 year old guy and I've been with my girlfriend about 8 months. 25 year old guy. I've been with my girlfriend for about 18 months. Sorry. Things are great between us and she's awesome. We're both single parents of a. Four of four year olds are both in school and both work decent jobs. All right, I have to ask you this before we go any further. At night, do you dress up like a black woman? I'm just, you know, this is too many coincidences. Is this like some fucking psycho shit where it's your Norman and you're your mother?

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

No.

[Bill Burr]

All right, I'll continue. She's a great mother, Very sweet, encouraging, beautiful woman who keeps herself in great shape and is working on her doctorate in nursing. The total package. The only problem is her family. She's a black woman and I'm the first white guy she's been with. My daughter is mixed and I'm used to dating interracially and my parents and brothers love her. But with her family, her brothers and dad just don't like me. They barely speak to me even though we have a lot of the same interests in sports, music, etc. This sounds like a. Like a fucking ice cube movie. Her mother, grandmother, and sister love me and we get along great. But I plan on marrying her and would like a good relationship with the brothers and her dad. They have no reason to dislike me as I treat my girlfriend very well and have never acted like an asshole around that. Well, yeah, you're getting judged probably by other white people and the shit that they've done. The only thing we can think of is they don't like me because I'm white. Because she said her. She said her ex and them were cool and even hoop together often. Oh, wait a way. Okay, so her ex. Oh, they like the other boyfriend better. Her brother said to me a few weeks ago when I tried to talk him and invite him to play ball, he said, we got nothing to speak on. You're never gonna be my be family. It came out of nowhere before. They were just cold to me. I've come across people being prejudiced to me while hooping and in my area. I grew up, but it's just weird because they actually know me and know how much I care about their sister. Any advice from you or the lovely Nia on how to approach the situation or if you've ever run into this problem? I'm saving up to buy her to buy a ring and would like to rectify this before committing the rest of my life to her. Thanks for all the laughs over the years. And go fuck yourself. That's a fucking major issue. That's a major issue. And relationships are hard enough. Forget about when one whole side of the family doesn't like you. I would just use humor. That's how I'd get through it. I'd go over a house like, hey, everybody, it's the white guy nobody likes. Hey, you guys want me to stand outside while you talk to your daughter or sister? I don't know. Or act extra white? I go over there dressed like, in it with a Donald Trump extra long red tie. I just started having fun with it, you know. Hey, did you guys see that? That fucking great speech by Trump? I don't know. See, I'm a dick. I would. I probably start doing that. But I got to be honest. That's gonna wear on things. I think I would pump the brakes on the ring until you work that out. And I think you guys, maybe you need help beyond some dick joke fucking comedian. Yeah, because that sounds like that's going in a Direction where you're going to have to. She's going to have to make a choice. Either be with you or have a relationship with the family. I don't know, but that's. That's above my pay grade. So my advice to you is I would talk to her about it, and, You know, I would tell her, say, listen, you know, I'm ready to commit to you for the rest of my life. But, like, I. I don't know if I can. I don't. I don't want to commit to that. Because this is the thing. You don't marry her. You marry her family. And if her family hates you, dude, you're gonna be miserable, all right? And haven't been with somebody for as long as I have, you know, there's ups and downs. And even without that, unfortunately, Nia's family is awesome. So I lucked out there. And even then, we've still had difficult times, mostly because I'm a fucking idiot. But,

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So I would try to work that out. All right? Yeah. What the fuck are you in a rush for? You know, you already have a kid, okay?

[Bill Burr (main speaker, podcast host)]

And

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, I would just be. Listen, I'm not going over your head. They don't fucking don't want me around there. You fuck them, you know, I don't give a shit. I'm tired of going over there being like, hey, well, you want to fucking hang out? And they go, yeah, get the fuck out of here. So it's just like, all right, I get it, I get it. But there's no reason to be stubborn, you know about it. It's weird because your heart's involved, but anybody with a brain would be like, well, dude, that's going to be a fucking miserable marriage, you know? Ah, Jesus Christ. And then what? They're gonna show up at the. At the wedding, just mean mugging you the whole time? I'll tell you this, if you marry a. A Lope, that's the way to do it. You know, I. I would go. I would go. That I don't know, dude. See? See what? Now you got to do all of this. Now you got to do all of this. It's already gonna be hard enough, you know? It's already be hard enough. You're getting married. It's already going to be hard enough, and now you're going to add that. That I don't know. But you love her, so I. I don't know what to tell you. Get. Get help. All right. Talking in circles. All right, that's it. I'm gonna watch that UFC and that moto. Gpl even. I'll be old news. I don't give a. I'll make it funny. I'll talk about on Thursday. Have a great couple of days, you cunt. And I'll check in on you in a few days.

[Musical guest or poet (performing a song or spoken word)]

Sat in the air. Who's your neighbor? Who's your friend? Ah, there's hate all around. I don't care about your fucking politics. I don't want to hear about your politics. Well, he said boom. She said hooray. Now we're human beings right here. Human beings. We're here together.

[Guest/Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Come on, mom,

[Musical guest or poet (performing a song or spoken word)]

What you going to do? What you going to do when it falls on you? You're scaring a kid. The beautiful kid. Ah, yeah. They want to know. The children want to know. It's the ugly coming and the gun. Is the army coming? Why not the sun, the blood red sun. The blood red sun. Concentration camp. My blood runs cold. I'm feeling hate all around. There's no solution. It's never been a solution. Come on, are you with me? We all know what it is. Build a bridge, Shine a light. Build a bridge, Shine a light. Build a bridge, Shine a light. Build a bridge, Shine a light. Build a bridge, Shine a light. Build a bridge, Shine a light. Make something beautiful. Cancel all Scrap a squiggly crayon on a paper. Make something beautiful and see somebody give it to somebody. I'm not being corny, this is real. Live peace, Live for love. Live peace, Live for love. Live peace, Live for love. That's all we got. See the God in everyone. Come on. See the God, see the God. I see everyone. Yeah. Peace, love. Come on with me. Everyone just wants to be loved. Everyone wants love. You see the God in everyone. Everyone leaves out no one and everything. The hardest thing besides love is cowardice. You want to be brave. You want to be tough. Peace and love is the toughest, hardest thing you can do. Build a bridge, it's where the courage is. Build the bridge, it's where the courage is. Shine your light. Shine it true.